Real Narcissists - Early Warning Signs
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2024
- Real Narcissists - Early Warning Signs
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book
Narcissism isn't always obvious--a fact you'll learn if you've been watching my videos. In fact, the loud, brash chest-thumping narcissist is really just one of many types. And when we get too focused on this caricature or stereotype, we miss signs that have absolutely nothing to do with someone being loud or vain. There are reliable signs no matter what kind of narcissism someone struggles with--extroverted narcissism, introverted narcissism, and even communal narcissism--as long as you know what to looks for. Hint: its not a lack of empathy that gives all narcissists away. But there is something that does. And in this video, I tell you all about what drives extreme narcissism and the tells that are alway present in narcissists, whether they're quiet and self-effacing or loud and insulting.
To learn more about all five early warning signs and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism. tinyurl.com/j4t7hmh
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Hi Dr. Malkin - My partner with NPD has completely changed in therapy over 1.5 yr period which seems like a relatively short time. He went from being in denial to taking responsibility, acknowledging childhood abuse and its effects, realizing that infidelity is hurtful/wrong etc. But recently I discovered another recent infidelity which I was shocked by. He apologized and promised to amp up therapy etc. But when asked why he repeatedly answered "I don't know." How do you know when to stay and when to give up on a person with NPD?
Contrary to public opinion, people with NPD can in fact change, *especially* when they address the trauma and attachment injuries that fuel their pathological narcissism. As long as you don't see the three stop signs--denial, psychopathy, and abuse--which I address elsewhere th-cam.com/video/aX6qkz8nEnc/w-d-xo.html, the rest of the decision comes down to how willing you are to stay with a partner who's struggling with infidelity; that can be addictive as well. And if even if they're trying to change, as with any addiction--or any problem for that matter--they may well have slips into old behavior. Which means more cheating.
Another matter to consider: Are you saying he doesn't know *why* he cheated? Or *why* he's changing? Either one is a cause for concern: unless and until he can tell a coherent story about why he coped the way he did, and what he knows and does now to *prevent* slips back into old behavior, how can you be reassured he won't?
I always use this as a litmus test: "what made you choose to be abusive, manipulative, deceitful, unfaithful?" He needs to know the answers to those questions--and you do as well." It was my NPD, my alcohol abuse, my abuse, etc." are not sufficient answers. Those are causes, not choices.
Hurtful behavior is a choice.
th-cam.com/video/aX6qkz8nEnc/w-d-xo.html
Thank you Dr. Malkin. Just to clarify he is not actually diagnosed with NPD by a professional but shows the classic signs. I don't know if his therapist diagnosed him with anything. But I do know therapy has helped him tremendously not just with relationships but his entire life (work, self esteem etc). Infidelity has been the main issue for us. And prior to meeting him I have never seen anyone in my life juggle as many women and need as much attention as him. Once I started looking under the hood of the car the amount of women was extremely shocking. I cannot even fathom how someone develops this skillset. Prior to meeting me "women" took up most of his time. Anyways, when I wrote you and he answered "I don't know" he meant he doesn't know why he cheated. And I fully agree with you, while he made significant progress (I truly believe that) the one thing he couldn't connect the dots on was with cheating. Mother had him young, left him to an emotionally/physically abusive father who acted like he didn't want him and who I believe was a narcissist as well. He did at the end of the day blame it on "I was stupid I thought you were holding me back." And while my ex grew and developed since I first met him, he just couldn't understand really why he cheated. Also we have not been together or spoken since my last posting. And my experience is that as the other commentators wrote NPD is extremely hurtful to other people. But obviously it comes from some hurt place as well which kept me there. You just feel so bad for them. But I guess in the end I started to feel worse for me. Thanks for answering me. Really appreciate it.
If they've *ever* shown contempt or hostility, then rest assured that even if they are *now* acting nice to your face, behind your back they are trashing you to others and plotting all kinds of abuse. Looking back at the age of 60, I've seen it over and over, never knowing it was NPD.
Been there, it's horrifying. They deny, without any remorse just to do it again. And yes, they just turn it around and say we are with tons of guys. I was completely faithful.
Sorry you had the same pain.
"Your concern here shouldn't be whether or not they're narcissistic. Your concern should be that they are abusive, regardless of what causes it." Thank you for saying that. It's so important to redirect that concern / focus!
This answered my question. Narcissist or high functioning asbergers?
EXACTLY. It's hard to accept but if we are here looking for what the hell is wrong with my boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, dad, friend, whatever, then 99.99% they are a toxic abusive asshole and you need to stay away.
Stephanie Amada, I agree. Toxic is toxic whether it's Cluster B individuals or narcissists. The key is if someone is causing you stress, it's time to give them a wide birth or cut them out of your life. If something doesn't feel right it isn't right, no matter what reason or excuse you are given.
Within 2 weeks he moved me in to his place and the abuse began immediately speed is a weapon along with quick isolation.
I've just seen this video, and I'm so glad that you quoted THAT 4 years ago . People try to threaten those (behind their backs) who dare to spend time on anti-NPD sites as supposedly playing doctor. The funny thing? Their estimation is absolutely wrong. It's all about splitting hairs to me at that point in that desperate defense.
Great thing you quote because-- AT THE END OF THE DAY-- it's all about the "Is it good or bad" test. Whether it comes through anti-narcissism sites, does it really matter?
7:40 "Nobody who cares about you should call you mentally ill or crazy. They should be supportive. They should shore up your self-esteem even if it is true that you were struggling and that's what you're hearing. That's abusive. That's emotional abuse. Nobody who cares about you would approach it that way. They just won't. "
Thank you for explaining this.
After showing my Narcissistic mother this video her response was " Well I tried to warn you about these kind o people"
WOW! They just don't get it! Much love to you for trying.
Lol... Sort of thing I'd do...
I loled
Wowoow... be strong... you are not alone... ❤❤❤
Sounds familiar
Don't stick around hoping for a change that's NEVER going to happen! Waste of time and energy!!
Wish them well....then MOVE ON!!!
yes but do it silently. my mistake has been i came back 8 times with her lying, ill change, plz, pz, abd soon as that door shuts im trapped hostage, call bruce Willis someone plz, now im trying again, but she becomes dangerous if i try, AND TO SCARED TO TRUST THE COPS, to help or sort it out, shes lies so much and well, i fear it will end up backfiring on me, shes pure fucking evil, with a black heart, and a bath in holly water would only evaporate it, allowing them to just do us 7 billion people more harm, 7 billion, why me? what about bob or fred or jim... im lucky shes been giving the silent treatment since yesterday, came in threaten me once and assaulted me, i ignored it.. i may die but dying trying, if only i as fast as forrest..
@@johnking8523hard stuff. 😳
Tommy Chong hope you got out
Carol Loraine wonderful lady
Your right!!
I’m a therapist. So my most recent narcissist boyfriend really had to play a subtle game. I set limits and expectations from the beginning and still he eventually duped me for three years. Boiling it all down- despite “improvements” with me, overall it was “all about him”, he was unable to really put himself in the shoes of others, he was very rigid, and was happy to attack if he thought he could get you to do what he wanted. He also learned how to really get under my skin emotionally by withholding. I reached my lowest low before I saw it.
I’m a mental health professional and I was at the receiving end of terrible narcissistic abuse from my ex.
You're a *THERAPIST* and you use this internet pop psychology moral panic language??
Holy fυck.
Your ex wasn't "a narcissist". He was (maybe) a bad person, and (surely) YOU have been spending too much time on the internet.
Recently I dated a guy who quickly went from being that nice guy to out of the blue ripping apart my looks and had the audacity to look at me as if I was crazy because I refused to have a relationship with him. When I talked about mutual respect and I will not deal with his insults he mocked me as if I was too sensitive and all he was trying to do is be "honest" and that's how relationships work *rolling eyes. Well the good news is I cut him off completely even before understanding about narcissism.
Tamara Woods ai
Good discernment... a gift from God.
Tamara Woods you're a rare, smart woman.
I believe, that is because you are emotionally healthy. in other words you have a 'secure attachment' style. and you are not a doormat. congrats!
Tamara Woods i
My ex never saw my discard coming.
He had become so grandiose I watched very calmly as he totally knew he was busted. My prior work to finding him out also gave me back my
pride in who I had been in our marriage. He had many addictions & relapses , social media became such a power to him, it was repulsive to watch.
This information Dr M has helped me so much recover from this long term
life with someone that will never want to get help. Rinse repeat will be his life.
I on the other hand will find grace & pride & return my self respect TY
yes i finally made the rule that if a 'friend" keeps refering what i am, do or say is crazy or makes me look crazy they are no longer my friend. period
That's an important guideline.
great boundaries!
wow.. something so smart stated so simply.
yeah I had "friends" who made me feel that way. They made me feel devalued and as if I'm insane
Yes, but what are you exactly ;) Perhaps you actually are crazy... hopefully if the other friend calls you crazy, then they want to leave. You might want to consider why people are calling you crazy and you’re posting it on here. Favourite narc tool that’s learned is to discard people who call them out on their shit, then claim it’s abusive and derive sympathy from it. Such as posting this on TH-cam ;) Dr. Craig - seemed to go right over your head on this one.
I was raised in a narcissists home. Brother may be sociopath. Father a narcissist and probably bipolar. Took 63 years, but I am free now. Life gets better every day. Stork left me on the wrong doorstop. #nocontact will be in therapy for life.
So much love to you Fern💝I am keeping you in my prayers for healing deep wounds and having peace that surpasses all understanding.💝
Thank got your still alive
James Smith Jackass
Fern Webb it took me 40 years to leave my gaslighting narcissistic husband .
Fern Webb your statement gives me life 😭💚💜💙 thankyou. I am so happy for you that you can say this 😊 thankyou for sharing. I am looking forward to the time I can say what you said and with such healthy smile x namaste
Make no mistake , even with mild narcissists in your life a codependent will end up being emotionally hurt. It is done very subtly. It feels like they destroyed your soul & you only realise once you leave. Would love to see these people healed for everybody's sake.
For the time being, I am staying away, as much as I can.
jurejo
I wish I wasn't this monster, some people bring it more out of me
You seem to be confused as to whether you are a narcissist, or in a relationship with one. Maybe it's a misuse of grammar/syntax etc. but that's how it sounds.
Yes soo true ended up twice in the hospital
Same 😢🙏🏽🙌🏼
@@Strange99526:49
The narcissist never told me I was crazy or mentally ill. He said I imagine things when he gaslighted me.
the one I worked with did to me.
My ex husband would say that I was crazy when I stood up for myself and would try to get him to stop abusing me. He would chase me around the house yelling at me, saying that he was not yelling. I had to lock myself and my girls in the bedroom, and he was beating on the door yelling that I was crazy and that he was not yelling. 🙄🤨🤔
My ex boyfriend did not say I was crazy, but he would say I was imagining thing, insecure, jealous, etc. -as he stared at other women, flirted with other woman, watched porn, talked to other women on the phone and text and had other Women's hair on his coat, shirts, car. As well as having other Women's earrings and makeup in his car and had condoms in his travel bag when he was going out of town WITHOUT me. 😕😲 He is such a liar and cheater. He yelled and raged at the drop of a hat as well.
So happy to be away from both of them.
One year free and happy to be by myself. 😁😄💕💛
Same thing...just a less confrontational way of saying it.
He wasn't "the narcissist", YOU have been spending too much time on the internet!
I believe I was in a relationship with a narcissist......it was the most gut retching, damaging experience I've ever had in my life......and I mean damaging on a deep soul level.....I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. I have never cried so much in my life and been so overwhelmed........The picture I have of this scenario is I was a plate that was destroyed and smashed to pieces on the floor.....abandoned and rejected....left to pick up the pieces of my life....while he moved on into another relationship.....I am so angry, hurt, betrayed on all levels........it's the most horrible and tragic experience anyone could ever go to........it was the biggest mind fuck that left me feeling like an empty shell of a person.......
I do hope you have good supports and help. It's possible to work though the pain, but not alone
Just know that just because he's moved on to another relationship, she's gonna get the same exact treatment you got. You've been spared.
Sydney Lau That is so very sad. I too have had that several times. Never again tho. Sorry for what happened to you!
I know that empty feeling. Narcissists do damage us on a deep soul level as you said. Its their way of eroding our identity. The best advice I can give for you to heal is to think of narcissists in general terms, all these people behave the same way(their motives are usually the same). They only see people as tools, not as people with feelings or a soul. They could care less about listening to our soul and connecting with us because they cant. They can't form true connections with people, even the most educated narc can't. They don't see people as individuals with needs, wants, dreams. They literally cant handle listening to our needs because it requires them to think outside of themselves for once, which they cant. We are, you were, an empty shell to this person. Its a blessing in disguise for them to leave because they never gave you the love, attention, affection and security that you deserve. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you are not alone. The more you educate yourself on this topic, the more you'll become aware of who you can trust. You'll realize who is important to you, and begin to choose the people who will be good for you to spend time with. Its important to have boundaries.
Sydney Lau I
I am fiercely independent because I've learned you can't trust people. Over and over in my life I was betrayed and abused and used by people who I trusted. Some of your warning signs are vague and are shared by people who've survived abuse but are not narcissist themselves.
I was thinking the very same thing...
I, also, do not enter into relationships and keep most people at arms length. I have found it hard to maneuver through life without snagging on the odd narcissist here and there. I have learned, after many years of therapy, not to get sucked into their vicious vortex. Considering that my narc mother destroyed all hopes of ever having love from my family, I spend most of my time working, writing, going to school and creating art. I am actually healthier than I have ever been but I hold out hope that the next incarnation will be kinder and gentler to me.
Cilly Honey, yes!!! 100%. There’s a lot of things this guy says are warning signs of a narc, but they’re the same things that I said to my narc ex once I figured her out. Watch Dr. Les Carter in the Surviving Narcissism channel, he’s the best.
100% agree. Same here. I've never been a co-dependant but I was raised by an overt narc mother and atracted several other narcs (husband included) during my adult years. I had to work hard to overcome all the negativity and turn into the best person I can be: highly educated, assertive and fiercely independent. I am very pleased with the results and, in order to protect myself from future damage, I decided to never enter another relationship. I only see men the same way I see women: as friends, and as soon as I notice someone is attracted to me I make clear that I don't date and I'm not looking for a partner.
This is not being narcissistic, it's being in a constant, necessary self protection mode.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
At the end of the day, there are 100 shades of narcissism.
no it's more like 4 or 5
But only 50 shades of gray?
No, actually, they are completely predictable, and have only a few shades (5 maybe?) since they are so shallow, hollow, and weak.
Watch Dr. Les Carter, surviving Narcissism channel. Best guy out there on the subject.
Indeed. They present themselves in every imaginable way.
“Exploitation, Entitlement and Empathy Impairment”
Well said.
I believe, It's hard to recognize 'All' types of Narcs . Narcissism comes in all shapes and sizes. You have Fathers, mother's , step parents, siblings, husbands, wives ... etc
They all don't 'act ' nor 'react' the same way.
But the signs are there!!! My Eyes are wide Open!!
no they are all same,you just need to be conscious. talk lees
Everyone's a narciccist to some degree...everyone
Changing the story or giving you gifts to calm you down.
gifts = bribery
I work with a covert Narc....A wolf in sheeps clothing. Switches from victim to perpetrator with each new audience member
pavanatanaya probably my son
@lisa, wow.
haha ur the one that raised him i bet it's your fault
To Lisa. Do not take the blame based on one of the comments. I honestly believe that narcissism can be inherited. We have soooo many in my husbands family. Each come in a different package. Some with money, some without, it all full of themselves and looking down upon everybody else. They tried to use me as a scapegoat, I didn’t play the game because I knew better. When you need family in a foreign land, sometimes to put up with more than you should. At last they are filed away.:)))) it is wonderful. I saved my health and sanity.
Sounds exactly like my ex best friend
My ex narc would wait hours or days after I had raised something negative about him & then say something to me to really hurt me..personal things that struck at my core being. & I was always left confused as to why he would say that...then I worked it out its because I put him down albeit constructive criticism. they don't forget a single thing. they keep a list & then attack!!
Trae May omg me too!!!! I would raise a problem or something he did that hurt my feelings and he would tell me he would respond later just to come back to tell me I'm wrong and that make himself the victim
My narc ex would wait 6 months or more to punish me for any unintended slights on my part. Very scary and controlling, and escalating violence.
It's because it's what they are used to being put down and abused so they expect that from people. They don't forget what you said or do because they hold on to the pain just like when they were abused in childhood. The abuse struck them and they held on to it until they were completely changed mentally! They are covert and wait because of the fear of being punished like in their childhood. It's all aimed at their caregivers and themselves. they show people who are closet to them what happened to them through treating others the same way. Everyday they relive the trauma, there's a war going on inside of them we don't see. They are always in survival mode fight or flight.
@@dragon2195, that's not an acceptable excuse for treating others with abuse. Either repent and change your behavior or be ostracized --- that's how it's supposed to work. I don't care if your relationship with Mickey Mouse never worked out for you; I'm not letting you treat me like shit. Understand or not?
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
This is an excellent video on simply explaining why narcissist do what they do. I have often found with my ex relationships with narcs is that they do often talk about how their exes are "crazy" they use this and other put downs a lot at the beginning of the relationship and this is actually a form of triangulation and gas lighting at the very beginning. It is a very cunning form of manipulation because they do it in order for you to feel sorry for them and it can often be a part of a poor me story. Also they love to slag off their exes as being "crazy" etc as way to put you in your place to actually tell you as the supply to not dare be crazy like the ex. This is a manipulation tactic to say to you in a back handed compliment (you are not "crazy" like my ex you are so chilled etc..) don't you dare call me up on my shit! Like my ex. They are testing you to see if you can be put in your place as the perfect supply for them and at the same time doing all this unrealistic love bombing to the max! Also in devalue when they start putting you down it is in fact projection and protection, they are in fact protecting themselves from being hurt like the past so in order for them to control this fear they project how they truly feel on others. They are addicted to living in the idealisation stage and therefore repeat this toxic behaviour. Also in devalue they will use triangulation by putting an ex or a so called friend (flying monkey) on a pedestal to put you down by comparing you to them by putting you in a negative light and the ex or friend (other or new supply) in a positive light. They will flip it around and they go from one extreme to the other and go into a flip flop mode or a yo yo mode. Again this is emotional abuse because they are playing emotional games to be in control! To gain SUPPLY!
Very well said! Yes it makes me sick when they complain and have pity parties about their ex when you are with them. It is a way of training you to become unlike the ex. My ex narc did this, it was like he was training me to hate this person, even though he still talked with her. So stupid.These people complain about people to you and get you emotionally invested in their bullshit, only to confuse you by still communicating with their ex. "playing emotional games to be in control" is exact.
Lol every single one told me that. "My ex was crazy"
I was totally hooked in w/ this method. She trashed her ex and I felt sorry for her. I got slammed w/ a divorce this past month. No empathy. no remorse, she got a new supply. She charmed me good.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
Regarding apologizing, have you considered the covert NPD who does eventually apologize only after an exhausting hour or two of emotional abuse and trying to convince them of the actual facts they have so conveniently twisted in order to always remain the "innocent victim" of what they deem as your constant critical negativity towards them? In my experience the apology is typically ingenuous, comes with a obligation to instantly forgive them, and merely a means to an end that will benefit their self-interest alone in one way or another. Later on they use it as a tool in their smear campaign against you to convince you and everyone else how "cooperative" and "spiritual" they are because they apologized and you just won't forgive them (assuming they even bothered to keep the details of the story accurate and in context which is highly unlikely). So, from their perspective you not forgiving then becomes "the problem" and the main reason why neither of you can resolve your differences and move forward. They are master manipulators, lying even to themselves, in order to avoid feeling any sense of shame, guilt, or remorse leading to true repentance, hope and healing.
Wow. You just hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I have just experienced
OMG.... YOU JUST TOLD MY WHOLE STORY!!!! SO, I'M NOT ALONE!!! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY
Wow. That is exactly the pattern.
My ex gf in a nutshell
Spent 3 years of my life supporting her and paying for all the bills and rent alone.
In the end I couldnt put with the lies and especially this blame game that you perfectly described and I sent her on her merry way.
Best thing I've ever done
You just described my sister in law. She did something horrible, has never apologised and my husband and I are the horrible people that won’t forgive her. My husband’s entire family thinks we are to blame.
Dr. I have excellent experience dealing with a true narcissist. I can vouch that is it NOT always possible to quickly or easily observe behavioral signs in a person with NPD. In fact, the NPD person can be very engaging, personable appearing, funny, attractive. The average person finds out by mistakenly getting into a personal relationship with the NPD person. Then you will find out. For the true NPD person is incapable of a long term loving relationship as you know. What people don't often understand is that the NPD person can in fact not know that he or she is an NPD person because it is their natural way of living life. But in the end it is destructive to those who get involved with such a person. And of course, the NPD person can not achieve happiness in life. I could write a book on the subject. I was a victim.
h
And that's precisely part of my experience with narcs.
But if you knew more of their life and behaviors then it would definitely tell you something is not congruent and it would seriously warn you. So - there ARE many ways to tell someone is a Narc.
Humans see the outside appearance- and go based off of that.
The Narc works very hard at this appearance- that’s literally all they have and care about.
It’s not easy to see a Narc if you have no idea what narcissism is as a disorder.
But once you know it and have experienced it - you CAN def tell.
I don't know. I got burned twice and I thought I was pretty self-aware. The key I think for me was both times I was vulnerable. The first narcissist came into my life 3 years after my husband of 25 years died. 17 years later I married a covert nerd but it was during COVID, again I was isolated and vulnerable. So for me moving forward if I do at age 63, I need to make sure I'm extremely healthy on my own. That's my goal right now
I have been coming to the realization that since escaping a family full of Narcissistic abuse that you run into the danger of bringing in other Narcs into your life. Somehow still having Narcs as family in my life guarded me against having Narcs in my long-term romantic relationships. I just broke up with a covert-narc 5 days ago and I entered into this relationship willingly as if I was missing the emotional abuse. It is so important that you fill in those holes they leave behind because more Narcs will come flooding in whether you seek it or not. They sense the hole and will try to fill them in.
You said the true sign of narcissism is 'being loathe to depend on others in any way'. What about persons who try to be as independent as possible in order to protect themselves from being abused? I say this because I would never want to be financially dependent or interdependent with a spouse because I know that I could be set up for abuse if the partner had financial control or supported me in any way. I feel like this is the main way that women get stuck in abusive dynamics. Once they decide to depend on their partner, they are set-up for the partner to have all the power and control in the relationship and that would make it very difficult to leave if things became abusive.
ThePaintedLady 100% true.But independance itself cant assess whether someone is narc or not.Narc is nothing but who gets happiness by putting down others.
I get what you’re saying. I was abused my my parents financially as well. That’s the way they kept control over what I could and couldn’t do. I agree it’s great to be independent especially in this situation
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
ThePaintedLady that is where I am at at 42 years old !!
He said in any HEALTHY way.
My older brother has been an emotional bully (my term) all his life. When we were kids, his abuse was physical and also sexual. As adults, things between us improved for a long period while he was married and for several years after his divorce, 7 years later. As he's aged, he's become noticeably bitter, cynical, conspiratorial, etc. Over the last 10 years or so, I've once again been the victim of hateful, accusatory, mocking emails and texts from him. I finally, with the help of videos like these, put together the pattern of these more recent abuses. They all involve my mother. About 10 years ago, he became her self-appointed advocate, genuinely doing helpful things around the house,, etc but all the while sugfesting to me and my younger brother that she was "losing it" and probably needed to move to an assisted living center. I spent lots of time with her and never noticed anything much. During these years, part of his "helping" her included verbally berating all sorts of people he believed were trying to take advantage of her in some way. This included me several times. In my case, he would send me disturbing emails/texts accusing me of exploiting her, lying to her, ignoring her, etc. The missives always started with "Mom tells me you . . . " Back then, I immediately adopted his viewpoint,, felt guilty, ashamed and responsible, even though I knew I hadn't done what he accused me of. It was devastating to me to think Mom apparently thought I had. I would immediately cancel or change my plans or otherwise "correct" my allegedly offensive behavior. I never directly asked Mom if I had, in fact, hurt or taken advantage of her. I realize that sounds crazy, but I was embarrassed, ashamed and just wanted to fix whatever it was.
I've pieced together the pattern, which is that she did, in fact, discuss with him personal things I've shared with her. She then speculates with him "what's really going on." She tells him (not me) that she disapproves with a decision I've made, for example to spend Christmas with my husband's family, and I will then get a nasty email telling me that Mom is hurt and angry because she "knows" I'm threatening to spend Christmas with others to manipulate her into doing something for me or giving me something. (My husband and I are very comfortable, financially, and in no way dependent on her.. My brother is retired at 55 and lives in a house she built "as an investment" in exchange for maintaining the property) I realized this was the dynamic when I observed them doing this same thing to Mom's brother, a trusted and well-loved uncle. He usually sends the tax documents for a family business they own, and I listened while they discussed how the document had come later than usual and was sent by my uncle's son-in-law. They were upset and confused because SIL "isn't even a family member" and wondered why he hadn't asked my brother to handle it, etc. As they talked, I realized they did this all the time - speculating about the probable malignant intent of close family members. When I interrupted to remind them that my uncle's wife was in the hospital in serious condition after a fall, they seemed annoyed with me.
My question (finally) is what do you call someone who behaves like Mom? She's very open about expecting to be able to rely people for help with all kinds of things. However,, she is an integral part of my brother's hostile and abusive treatment of others. I tried to point out that he was being abusive to her neighbors and other people in her name and on her behalf,, and she seemed o.k. with it. As for his abusive treatment of me, she said I was being too sensitive and should know ""that's just how he is".
Is she also a narcissistic person or just his enabler? He has said incredibly condescending, contemptuous things about her to me in the past, and talks to her often as if she's a child.
I'm confused and wondering if anyone has any insights to share.
I hope you're ok
Check child hood wounds and create major boundaries and best way to deal with narcaccist if they truly are ..don't play victim ..take action ...boundaries and move on ..allot of us are emeshed in families but boundaries and sometimes separation is needed for your own wellbeing and ya own family well being
I have been told often by the narcissist in my life that I drive everyone off and that no one likes me. This is also how others in the narcissistic families treat me without actually saying it. When someone is the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, there is a continual demonstration of contempt on the part of all those who like each other but despise the scapegoat. Once I began to go no contact with nearly all of them the joy rushed back into my soul. Once a year I have to see an adult narcissistic child and the anxiety floods back in. I dread the visit and am relieved when they leave again. Its been my experience that narcissists don't trust good people because they are not trustworthy and think everyone else is like them.
Wow. You just described my whole family. At first I thought I was born with a sign on my head that said: "abuse me." Now I realize that I am the handy scapegoat.
He used to tell me I was insecure when I questioned him about his behavior. When all the time he was the one that was insecure.
When I'm angry, a certain anger where I feel pushed over the edge, it's as if I can intuitively sense what the other persons insecurities and weaknesses are, and I viciously attack those in people, I see their egos crumbling and I feel a sense of success.
I recently had to cut out a best friend for 15 years because he is a narcissist. I brought up issues to him, and he just called me delusional. Before confronting him, I asked others who saw how he talked to and treated me what they thought of him, and they all said he's selfish and only respects himself. I can go on and on about what this relationship did to me in the end, but one important thing I did learn was to let go.
Yup the people observing their behaviours will tell you if somethings wrong. My brother told me several time during the course of 2 years that this is not a healthy relationship. I said well not everybody is the same. and guess what ? I fucked up my own self
Thank you for saying "no one who cares about you would call you crazy or mentally ill"! It took me almost 12 months to work out that I was not bipolar, schizophrenic or had a personality disorder through confirmation from my GP of 17 years and a psychiatrist. He was totally, totally convinced there something wrong with me.... and at this point so was I. When I started standing up for myself again, telling him that I had seen a specialist and my doctor and they believed me to be traumatised etc but not suffering from any of these illnesses, he left for someone else he had lined up. Marriage counselling was a disaster as he worked hard to even get her on side' The last session we came out of he said to me because I had brought that I believed there to be a trust, control issue in our relationship...."how dare you bring that up in front of our counsellor". It was then that I knew there was nothing more I could do. Yes, the trauma and PTSD is huge from these mind games. I am so worried for my teens that he is now manipulating and controlling with threats and as they see me as a weakling, my thoughts don't count. And of course, now that he has destroyed me emotionally, he is doing everything he can to destroy me financially. Until you have lived this horrendous thing called 'narcissism' you can not possibly understand it to its fullest. It is only when you step away from it and watch it from the outside, do you really start to see it for how it really is. My ex is putting on a text book display. Somehow now I have to put my life back together and continue on.Thank you for your videos Dr Malkin that helps to bring things more into perspective. Whenever I have doubts or feel unsure if it is real, I just look up more information on narcissism and remind myself how lucky I am to be free.
Belinda Bryce my Ex called me mentally ill in court to get custody of the kids and it worked. The judge and opposing attorney were BFF’s and that didn’t help. My kids were telling the judge the truth and what they wanted, but their words were swept under the carpet. Based on his/their lies and calling me crazy cost our family dearly. I even have a letter from the oppposing Attorney calling me mentally ill....
She told that to me too and I was like what? I have a mental problem when you are the one who acts crazy and keeps changing your statements and lies constantly, but i didnot say anything. I was madly in love with her. I allowed the abuse. Though i feel fine and confident in myself now. I am still vulnerable to the tactics. Hope to not fall for it again
All credit to you Belinda for getting out. My story is the same. Sadly, social services and legal people often just don't see the wolf in sheep's clothing. Getting out and going minimal contact is the best way. And self discovery and living your best life the ultimate reward.
the story changing literally made me crazy.
It really is "crazy-making."
joan baczek I so get that. I was told for years that I was imagining the traumatic events, I honestly thought that I was crazy, I went to loads of psychologists seeking help for the pervasive "false " memories. Just before my father died he admitted that my memories were true, he had just hoped that eventually I would forget, it's pretty hard to forget facing life and death situations from my mother.
They make you question your reality, rock the foundations of your being..... anyway I could drone on but you get the picture
Dr. Craig Malkin staying in that situation is "crazy". Now that I look back on it I see it. But it's hard to get out when you are in it, and when they are charming you
Mine said he didn't recognize his own cheating face on his completely laughable untrue profile online. " It's not me" he said...along with "who is that"?
So, a sociopath? Perhaps. In any event, severely mentally ill, twisted events, devalued constantly, never complimented, approve, or be supportive. Never any remorse or admission of wrongs. Accused me of WILD unbelievably absurd things. He demonically taunted, deceived, twisted,, slandered, stalked, bullied, omitted, and gaslighted. I was hoovered repeatedly,moved twice. I am known as highly accomplished, so no one believed me or the abuse I endured. I have extreme guilt and shame at allowing this to happen, dealing with PTSD.
And sorry, I do believe they are demonic or under satan's grasp. No " human" would do these things to another unless demonically influenced.
My sisters had to take over my Mom's position as "being my mother". THEY terrorized me when I was a small child, and still do. Making me afraid of everyone and everything. THEY are Narcissists, feeding off my fear and controlling my life, sabotaging my relationships with others. They are abusers, conduct smear campaign against me while representing themselves as 'Better" I did go NO contact because there is no point in me trying to stand on a slippery slope with them any longer! I always am pushed face first into the mud.
No Contact is super in your situation. Why don't you pick an activity and try it for a while and when that class our course is over, try a different one. You can always pick up the first if you find it was better. Or try a third activity! There is no one royal road to recovery but time and living your OWN life.She sounds like a total narcissist, so typical. I'm glad you got out.
Machete.
If a person was abused as a child, then it seems reasonable that person does not want to depend on others and be vulnerable. That doesn't mean they are narcissistic.
Ngoc just because it explains the behavior doesn't mean their behavior is right. It's not just not being vulnerable, it's how they manipulate people and milk them for all theyre worth. Narcissist basically see any kind of reliance on other people as an extremely scary thing, and so they need to manipulate that person and control them, and then they take what they need as much as they can and then discard the person. It is extremely wrong and evil, and having an abusive childhood is no excuse.
Ngoc the worst is when they are forced to rely on other people, when they have no other choice but to rely on other people. They will basically make you think you are doing nothing for them, and anything that you do for them, they deserve it and are entitled to it, so instead of feeling like they are relying on you and you are doing them a favor, they can tell themselves that you are doing it because you owe them, and therefore they don't have to show any gratitude for what you did.
Ngoc I agree... Neither did I agree with him on that....Also the part of about a narcissist trusting people. He makes anyone seem as if they are a narcissist....You cant even think your in love from what it sounds like. People sometimes do have grand emotions when they meet someone they like and may even put the person on a pedestal...He seem like a story twisting narcissist.
Ngoc Exactly. He got that wrong for sure.
Agree I’m not a narc I went through horrendous abuse and I just don’t trust many people...etc...I have a lot of triggers and cpstd. And have avoidant behaviour sometimes but I wouldn’t hurt a fly...I’m just protecting myself and on guard a lot but I think people don’t understand me a lot of times....and the answer is how could they...you know what I mean.....I don’t tell everybody my story....it’s my story. I have to just live and get through my life the best way I can scars and all...and most important to me is raise my children in a loving ,safe environment and that they will never go through what I went through.😉
Wow, this makes so much sense now. As an empath, when I am involved with narcissists, I get so confused, overwhelmed, and feel so bewildered. The gaslighting and projection is does a toll on me emotionally. Doing what needs to be done to heal those wounds they created by learning healthy boundaries. Tired of being a doormat. Thank you Dr. Malkin.
"To apologize means to acknowledge disappointment"...........great nugget I needed to understand!
I have to clear something up about telling someone they are mentally ill. I’ve dealt with two narcissists and due to the career path I’ve taken plus years of research into psychology once I became aware that the person I was dealing with did appear to show signs of some form of personality disorder, because of the hurt and anger I experienced from the abuse, I did tell them they have some disorder and need to seek professional therapy. That they’re not normal. I was beyond caring anymore and was sick of being mistreated. I’m sorry that doesn’t make me abusive or a narcissist. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. If you’re being abusive, I will have no hesitation to tell you exactly what you’re doing and that I won’t tolerate it. It’s totally different if we’re talking about a normal healthy respectful relationship.
My boyfriend is a doctor. I had a professional career but was diagnosed with a severe illness. He showed signs that concerned me. He called me constantly and asked me what I was doing. He loved bombed me by offering to take me places. He rushed into the relationship by pressing marriage and children upon me. Then he began to insult me. He said, "Well what if your new business idea doesn't work and, "Aren't you ever going to work?" I am retired as a result of my condition. Now he keeps saying, "Well I want children and a family and it is a deal breaker if you can't give that to me." He knows that
I am not fully recovered. I can not have children because I am ill. He keeps pressuring me to speak to a doctor about a surrogate. I think he is using me. I feel uncomfortable. I also discovered that he is a hoarder. He calls his x wife crazy as well. He lacks empathy for my feelings and holds love back from me. His clothes are stained and he has made comments about my clothies. I was wearing a silk designer dress and he said that it looked like a rag. He put down my clothes twice. I have attended alalon for codependency issues and that is how I discovered narcissism. I was listening to Begood4000's videos and he specified all the things to cause this. I ignored the warning signs, my gut feelings and I told him my history. Telling people your history is like throwing blood to the sharks. I really feel unhappy. This mand doesn't pay my bills. I pay for everything yet he questions me about my dream goals. I don't feel like he has the right. I just ended it in my ow way. I said, "I can't take the pressure of your threats to leave me if I can't have a baby and I can't handle being afraid to say I love you and receiving no response or I don't know. He actually said that once. I don't know...and ended with I don't know how I feel. You didn't see the doctor about a surrogate. He told me that his father was an alcoholic and abuser. He never received any treatment. I surely think that staying with him is detrimental for my health. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and saving lives! Yes all the warning signs mentioned are clearly there.
He also does not see me Monday through Friday. His excuse was that his second office kept him up late. He closed his office. I believe that he is a liar and I was just naive to believe him. I was so busy that I just did not pay attention. They lie. Yes. I do not ever want to see him again.
Run for the hills & further still!!. I've been there with my estranged doctor husband so am talking from experience. I've reclaimed my soul & can see a future after all the unimaginable pain. Good luck!
Private private You have the answer already, you already said in many words that you don't want to tolerate his covertly and overtly abusive behaviors.
For the love of God - break up with this jerk!!!!! NEVER marry or have kids together! EVER!! Take charge of your life and break free! I am divorced and share custody with a narc. If you think things are bad now, you cannot imagine what a nightmare is to divorce a narcissist and share custody. Please! Save yourself when it is time!! (I wish someone had told me that a few years ago!!!!)
Private private
never bring a baby into crazy. you did the right thing
They reallyyyyy ..'just doooont get it' do they ??!?! What I tell them is - 'If you try n lead me ...into a false sense of security. I will lead you...into a true sense ..of YOUR INSECURITY.' You have to try it. ;) xx
So does it work?? :P
Dr. Malkin,
As a DV advocate for over 20 years here in California, I was soooo impressed and thrilled to hear you say that narcissism is not the issue of focus in an abusive relationship! The abuse is the problem! Having done this work for so long, I understand that survivors of this abuse NEED to know why it happened to them; they believe it will help them to heal. I've never seen it work that way, unfortunately. But, if they can get a clinical diagnosis for why their abuser abused them, it means two things: he didn't CHOOSE to behave this way, he's just sick, and also that they didn't deserve the abuse. I love the website you refer people to, but I also want to publically put my email address out there. Anyone with questions or who just needs support can contact me in complete confidence (I'm also a licensed attorney), and I will always he honored to help. Congrats on your reissuance of your book! I can't wait to pick up my copy. Thank the Powers That Be for men like you. -elizabeth [voorhees.liz@gmail.com]
P.s. Unfortunately, even though we have some really great laws here, in Cali especially, courts still really suck at recognizing this kind of narcissistic control as "real" abuse. Judges and lawyers need training, but you can also put pressure on the AG in your state to make certain the judges are getting the mandatory training and following the laws.
I've read that narcs don't have deep feelings. All their feelings they may actually feel, but at a shallow level. After being apart for a year, I sent him pictures of us on vacation & asked if he could remember where it was. He had no idea. I think they forget emotional attachments quickly once they move on to a new supply.
Is it possible that the narcissist might apologize for the sake of manipulation and to hoover you back in but then when things really end between the two of you they won't apologize because they no longer see it as beneficial to them?
yes they're not going to apologise for any reason other then personal gain for themselves
Yes!
Apology at night for a good reason, negating the apology the next morning... isn’t that sickness? That’s narc. Lying left and right.
yes my mother apologized but it left me more confused because she didn't explain WHY or WHAT she was apologizing for
yes
If you have social anxiety or AVPD you might already be isolated. My experience is that even counselors won't be able to see that you are with a dangerous partner because they don't know the history of what the partner has done to you.
most narcists have a chain of relationships, like they can't find the right person, don't feel sorry for those impatient ppl, also when it looks like he/she trust you their pityfull stories, they want you to feel pity for them, its the only reason when a story leaks through the crack of the shell
@Lia de Mooij Have you heard Vital Mind Psychology? He is a clinical psychologist also and he talks about the reason that empaths are vulnerable to narcissists, or targets of Narcissists.
thanks, dont need them anymore, waiting lists here are bt 2 months, besides that they have not tric in the box directly available, but the main problem for most ppl is, that they are into the relationship much too fast and too deep, because they used to not wait and see first who that person really is, and then its too late, just put restrictions in the beginning, it gives time to discover the main problems
i was a victim tooo--took me long enough to realise what was happening ---so i eventually left her and have had no contact since .
Hi Dr. Malkin-- I'm pretty sure that my sister-in-law is a covert narcissist. From the beginning of her relationship with my brother she has been subtly abusing and undermining me and my parents. She pays lip service to the importance we play in her kids' lives, but obviously only tolerates our presence when we are together. I've basically made my peace with realizing that she is probably never going to treat me as a part of her family. However, she seems very loving to both my brother and her kids. She seems like the ideal wife and mom. For example, after she gets mad, the kids will stay away for a few minutes, but then a little while later they feel comfortable coming back to her and saying "can we have tacos for dinner? Can I go play next door?" To me that shows that she doesn't ever stay mad with them for long. She also really seems to appreciate what a great guy my brother is. I figure if my brother and his kids are being cared for and loved, it doesn't really matter how she treats me and my parents. It bothers me that my brother has given her so much ammunition to badmouth us with, and it bothers me that he never apologizes for her behavior, as if he is condoning it. And my parents are heartbroken that they have had so few opportunities to spend quality time with their only grandkids. But again, as long as his day-to-day life is good when we are not around, that would at least be some comfort. Is it. ***** My question is, is it possible for a person to have narcissistic traits towards some people but not to others? Is it possible that she actually is a loving wife and mother? ******
I remember saying to my almost x covert narc of 7 years - please don't put me on a pedestal - I have a long way to fall, wow, that was an understatement.
Me to narcissist: "what you said/did was very hurtful"
Narcissist: "why do you always persecute me? You hate me so much it blinds you"
Me: 😳
7:11 - 8:02: This is the worst. You're already having trouble stabilizing and have no problem admitting it, then this happens. Hearing your take makes me think of it differently. Great way to separate the people who actually care and the ones who just don't. And you're right-- the people who care about me have NEVER said it that way. Thank you for this.
I've learned fast that confirmation while dealing with setting boundries is so important. Having a trusted person confirm that you aren't crazy. Taking advantage of online groups is a great idea. Sometimes ppl dealing with this get lost and forget that they are aloud to seek help . At least I have.
What you said at 7:29.....it has changed my life! I just left my verbally abusive husband after 13 years....he constantly belittled me n made fun of me in front of our kids....thank you for saying this!!! And I think I do have emotional pts-D from what I've been through❤
Amanda Moe,You don't need a narcissist in your life....
A real one will never say sorry . If they notice you will not tolerate there demands they will seek a more naiev person to control and manipulate. Don't put up with any negative comments from there mouths .
Or they will say it in a way that's not even believable in front of others and even maybe cry... I know a couple that can cry on cue
If they can't control you they leave you, simple as that
Wrong. They will say 'sorry' because they know it's the right thing to say in certain situations, it's a learnt behaviour. The problem is, they don't mean it and will keep repeating the behaviour that prompted the apology. 'I am sorry' has no meaning for narcs.
Your video on denial was very eye opening, thank you. I've had to deal with a lot of projection from a family member and ex, it's been horrible.
I realize I was narcissistic or a narcissist in my last couple relationships. I hope that each day I can strive to be a better man and be a decent person. With God all things are possible!
i just found this channel. i like the diagnosis and in depth analysis. my father has NPD and my Mother lived with him for 35 years developing a protective mode that is almost similar to NPD. please do take this topic up sometimes. The victim is a strong person before the targeting and develops characteristics of an NPD to protect themselves from other people ( but they are not - but can be perceived as one ( my mother ) ) i am aware of NPD only recently ( 10 years ) since personal experience with my partner that had Bordeline D. I am at age of 46 and only now my life and childhood makes sense. The society is not helping along really.. it is very obsessed with narcissism and it can be a devastating downwards spiral for humanity at large. trying not do be dramatic .. but just speaking my heart.
Is it possible for a narcissistic grandmother to so over-spoil a grandchild that he turns away from his own parents and normal discipline and boundaries and becomes a narcissist? (She spent a lot of time with him, at her own insistence.)
Thats is what they do. They "still" your child from you. Dont let your child around them. My mother tried the same strategy.
Watch the movie hereditary
that's what happened to my son .. so regret letting her have him .. having both my kids but my daughter was scapegoat like me .. my son was her favorite golden grandchild and ended up being worse than her to the point he won't work he is literally a homeless by choice and has been since 18 he's now 39. so very sad. just wants money handed to him and gets mad when you point out he should be responsible for himself at the very LEAST .. once again after telling him that he is not talking to me.. the silent treatment .. then the cycle goes around again IF I decide to continue to allow it I may not I don't know
Jillian Smith: OH YES!! This is exactly what my covert narc mother did to my daughter! They will cause "parental alienation" between you and your child if you are the Scapegoat!
thank you so much for these videos and podcast; I am going to get your book as soon as I some money. I can't wait to read it. Your information on Narcissism is refreshingly detailed, precise and insightful. I have listened to many life coaches and therapists on the topic and they just don't fully seem to explain my experience of Narcissism in my child's father. You do an amazing job of really pin-pointing this "fluctuating empathy" and their deep-seated fear of being vulnerable. It really explains so much and humanizes people who struggle with narcissism. You really do a great job of putting together all the missing pieces of information out there about Narcissism. Thank you!
WOW your comment on apology really hit the nail on the head! Thank you! Glad to hear that!
My husband didn't have to tell me I'm crazy..he hid my things, and then set back and enjoy the show..I eventually told my Dr I thought I was developing dementia..he had me right where he wanted me..till I caught him putting back my things he took..I don't know how to trust him now..he only changes to the point to return back to doing the abuse cycle again
Yeah ive had that happen and he would even help u look for it sometimes. He was also like an oversized 6 foot toddler that thought he knew everything and could do everything but it always went in a negative direction. He would cost us money or break something, cause problems constantly and then act like poor me or blame it on anyone or anything. Exhausting!
Gaslighting. It's a tool they ALL use. They keep you disoriented so you focus on thinking what is wrong with You and not Them.
Sirley Ray get the he'll out! I too have experienced This! Find a way to leave otherwise your health, and we'll being are at stake.
Sirley Ray leave him run fast dont look back
That is as terrifying as a horror movie that won't end. How can you stay with such a monster?? He doesn't need to hurt you physically, when he has already murdered your soul, your core, your sanity. He sounds like a serial killer that's how bad I see what he is doing to you. You must believe in yourself for once, and walk away
So what about those who can't handle your healthy attachment and healthy vulnerability, i.e. when you go to someone who says they'll be there for you, but they never really are. They make empty promises, say they'll call, come over, etc. but then what do you get? Crickets. Nothing. And this back and forth, approach you then avoid you dynamic goes on. Oh, I did get a card once in awhile but even with that it was to literally say "i know i'm not being there for you...." and then to go on and tell me about the 79 things they're up to. And then, after months of hearing nothing, I'd get a call and now all of a sudden, she needed me. And expected me to drop everything.
When I finally woke up to what had been happening, for a long time with a friend, I finally called her on it. Not with blame, but to let her know how I felt. I felt bad. I felt invisible. She said "I'm sorry 'you' misunderstood." "I knew 'you' had other friends 'over there.'" (over there meaning near where I live, which is fairly distant from my friend). And things like that. It was basically my fault for bringing up my feelings and sharing what I needed. After years of being "friends," I had been doing a lot of growth and finally woke up to these unbalanced dynamics, and wow, all of a sudden I'm the problem.
What's that about? It almost feels like your "emotional hot potato" at work. "Here, you take my discomfort because I couldn't possibly have disappointed you, or take responsibility, for my action." Nope, not any more.
Great stuff. Loved the book. Need to reread it again.
LinYouToo--- your friend sounds a lot like my mother...after 61 years I finally--FINALLY--realized she was never "there for me" but would keep promising and letting me down. AND blaming me for it--She simply never came through, not even with a card when I was sick. NEVER a visit, NEVER help, nothing...always about her, the, as you say, 79 things she had going on and I was supposed to drop my life to assist her. I went No Contact. It's been going on 3 years now and sometimes I still get letters from her--the latest one had my sister's name as a return address--I sent ot ti my sister without opening it--inside, she told me (which was also rather mean) was a stack of literature about people with brain disorders/mental problems. That was all. From "my" narc. I'm not wrong to be in No Contact. One thing about it, though, life is less "intense." I had to and stll sometimes have to get used to the lack of endless crises needing quick fixing! It's sad that I sometimes miss the excitement! And, really, I don't. It's like being an adrenaline junkie. Life is better No Contact. Glad for your post and insights!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
It's amazing how you can have so much knowledge of these types of people. I work with a narcissist and it is really affecting my life at the moment. So many things you said was like hitting the nail on the head in relation to my co-worker. He is a mastermind at manipulation, gossip, power seeking, sadistic behaviors. I've only been with the company for 2 months but I have already figured out that i'm working with a monster.
He's likely VERY envious of you! ...your character and your work ethic. Hopefully he'll leave/retire or you'll be moved to a different department or be offered a great position elsewhere. I hate when people try to fuck with my income/livelihood! I've dealt with far too many of those assholes and they have made me want to quit on day one of meeting them. They are utterly insecure, morally bankrupt, very sick, vicious people.
Godspeed to you, Erik.
Having been in a relationship with a raging narcissist who also used stealth control, I learned that one of the characteristics of narcissism (though I may be over generalising) is self-righteous anger, an inability to take the other person's potential motivations into consideration and simply believing that because one is angry, one is RIGHT. The self righteous (verses righteous) person behaves as if the other is purposefully trying to harm him or her. (I typically do not believe that anyone who professes to love me is purposefully trying to hurt me; I give them the benefit of the doubt.)
I also recognised that after apologising for years and years that I was being abused, and so I stopped apologising all the time. I tried to be aware of what in the dynamic belonged to me and what belonged to the other person. What I also recognised, after I'd reached the point that I gave up being responsible for someone else's out of control behavior, is that I could not hear my partners concern any time loud displays of anger entered the picture (this also happened with a future partner who rarely exploded but did explode on occasion into self righteousness). Just because someone is being self righteous doesn't mean that their concerns are entirely invalid, and it's still important to be able to acknowledge disappointment and be able to apologise. However, I simply became defensive--I would point out how they had done similarly rather than validating their upset, and then eventually talking about the process. I know this is something I have to work through.
Also, my experience is that people who eventually display self righteous behavior devalue the other. I've had two partners, since the raging ex, who once they saw the clay feet I've always had, began to devalue me--either out loud or in their heads, often displaying passive aggressive behavior. They seemed to be people who acted like they were capable of intimacy until they felt "secure" in the relationship. Meanwhile, as I learned more about them, I valued them more only to later find out I was being devalued.
I now wonder if it is ever okay for people to yell at people they love? I don't think so; I've never thought it was okay, and when I was young, I worked not to repeat what was done to me as a child. But have I been twisted as the result of abuse and do I now expect too much from others? How do you know what's normal if you never saw it and TV and Hollywood show people screaming at each other a lot. Am I just being inflexible in believing that it is never okay to yell at a partner?
I think I could currently validate someone who was angry and loud, but not yelling, and hopefully, communicate effectively without being defensive.
Thanks for your channel! Excellent info.
Thank you so much for this video, and for explaining the dynamics of "emotional hot potato" (or some form of projection). I found it explains things so clearly, how easily the narcissist will attempt to rid himself of his own feelings (about his own failings or predicament) by trying to rattle another with his own issues. Very interesting.
You touched my heart. And finally answered the questions I had about when your so called loved ones, use in you. Wow, that is just sick of them to do that. You explained it completely in a kind, caring and sane manner. It is Gaslighting calling you "crazy". It is sick. These ppl are sick.. They start with "your too sensitive" in the early days. Then they move on to say "You are crazy"...! They are evil and sick individuals. !
Congratulations on your book !!! WOW, that’s a lot of hard work.......
Thank You SO much always, for your time and help.
🙏🏼
Now I'm really confused. I've been working for some time now on what me and my therapist consider to be a codependent need for validation from my wife and other close family members around my misguided efforts to prove my worth and value through externals like education, money, and work. Considering my wife of 23 yrs has been unwilling or incapable of validating these accomplishments no matter how hard I pleaded my case, I assumed we fit the classic codependent/covert narcissist relationship.
While Ive done a ton of therapy to reclaim my personal power and work on my issues of self worth, I still get triggered at times for what seems to be a complete lack of empathy and accountability from her and her manipulative behavior. The gas lighting, blame shifting and her projections have made me feel like I'm going nuts at times and I've lashed out by calling her crazy for thinking it's okay to play with someone's mind this way.
I understand you're unable to speak directly to my situation, but could you help clarify your comment about defining someone as a narcissist if they accuse another as being the crazy one. I know it's not right to say this to anyone and Ive had momentary lapses of progress by allowing her judgements to get to me and making these types of accusations to her, but I also have to admit, her behavior is more than a little crazy-making and I've allowed it to take its toll on me. Thoughts?
The most interesting thing that I notice in all these comments is the phrase "i was left as an empty shell of a person" That is the most accurate description. What do you do with your empty self?
JESUS is THE answer.
fill up what empty with something better
im hated, unloved, need heart surgery, out of important meds, broke, she blew car up, powers off on 1st, evicted 3rd, my 3rd home i got her in 4 yrs, and she dont care, robs me, literialy, i used to be someone, nice cloths, had friends my kids loved me, had family, all gone, dont even have food, its all funny to her, and yet today shes still going, none of that other stuff matters i guess
next time i might make the step up to better myself and date a serial killer, or pedofile, if they tried to give me that heart in heart surgery, ill hope for Kevorkian as the surgeon, im all alone, with no one but her, ive thought about suiside in past, theres no one to hear me, shell just take them from me, i feel so alone, uncared for, i hate my life
Wow, I'm watching this just now and am glad I've found this channel. Secure attachment, I could write a book about the family I grew up in, where, except my dad, my mother and elder brother would instantly blame me for anything that caused me pain. It hit the top when I was robbed and threatened in a major way: in such a situation you do call your mom even if you're an adult now. The first response was: what did you do? While going through the events with my therapist, a big chunk of time is reserved to get over my family's reaction to my trauma. It's a long hard road to recovery.
I attempted to speak with two family members after being on the receiving end of yet another rage attack today. (the last one was 3 days ago and they seem to occur 2-3 times per week). I was non-reactive, non dramatic, and simply attempting to leave the house to attend to a "check engine" light that was on in my vehicle. the narc flew into a RAGE , followed me, attempted to block my exit, got in my face and of course I had every foul female slur thrown my way... because I declined his help and said that I wanted to go to a mechanic's shop to have the code read before proceeding.
One family member told me that it was my fault and the other said that they did not want to "get in the middle" ...the denial is so thick.
I am so thankful that these videos have been made available here on TH-cam. When I received the email notice about this series, I was disappointed that I could not be part of the live viewing on Facebook. As the scapegoat daughter of a very malignant narcissist, I ended my FB account years ago when my family of origin discovered FB. I would love to go back on FB some day, but I need to do some more healing first.
The damage that a gaslighting, projecting, lying, extremely narcissist parent can do to one's soul and reputation is... horrendous. But I am still here, living happily and peacefully, thanks to the tremendous healing that has come from learning about severe NPD and finding out that I am not the only one to experience these crazy-making things.
Thank you, Dr. Malkin, for shedding even more light on this very important subject.
I'm so glad that you found my series of videos helpful! Thank you so much for letting me know. I wish you well with your continued journey of recovery and healing.
Best point for me: "Even if you have post traumatic stress disorder from the hell that you've been through, nobody who cares about you should call you mentally ill or crazy, they should be supportive, they should shore up your self esteem.... nobody who cares about you would approach it that way."
I can’t thank you enough for these videos. When I first started noticing I was in a toxic relationship, I started to dig deeper into my own issues and came across the book, Attached (A. Levine & R. Heller). I immediately realized I had an anxious attachment style and he had an avoidant attachment style.
However, we recently ended our relationship and I’ve been struggling and obsessing to answer the questions- What is the difference between a love avoidant and narcissist? Is he a covert narcissist? He clearly shows many signs, but there are other things he does that don’t fit the characteristics.
Your posts have finally answered my question- IT DOESN’T MATTER! The fact that he emotionally abused you is not okay!
This is exactly what I needed to hear during a moment of temptation to break no contact this evening. Thank you again. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
From my vantage point today, I can see that my partner started my discard about 3 years ago. The last 3 years have been chaos. She suggested that I go to a doctor for a referral to a therapist- I was unhinged, in her opinion. He didn't think there was anything wrong with me-the advantage of having a family doctor who has treated me for years! I have always been and have been known by my friends and family as a resilient person. Some of the things she put me through...The thing I am having trouble with is the deliberateness of her actions. The plotting. Sometimes I could see the conflict she was having in her head. Like Darth Vader in Star Wars. Just recently I found out what and who I was dealing with. Funny how things show up when you need them. Dr. Carter and Dr. Malkin popped into my TH-cam feeds. Thank you, thank you to you both!
I was the crazy one cause I called him out on his abuse. He even acused me of making him depressed.
Have do they constantly seek out sex
Then if they get it
This person is dismissed abruptly until the next time they want it.
How have they the cheek to continue this cycle over and over.
Because the "victim" is always a "willing" participant.
It is dangerous. I became ill, he became abusive mentally, physically, brainwashed the kids against me(parental alienation). I've starved before sick, missed 3 meals a day at one point in time. These people are not good especially for the unhealthy. They cut finances etc. which can affect your well being. This is against the law. Sometimes you're put in positions that are hard to get out especially when you've been Ill and have depended upon these folks. Now I'm trying to gain my power back.
Gday Dr. Malkin -
I was in a relationship for 5.5 years with a partner who was NPD...during that time everyday was an emotional battle.
I had no idea what I was actually dealing with...im generous and forgiving in nature, and I can see now (having ended it nearly 3 years ago) just what a unending struggle it actually was.....
Your videos are so informative and enlightening to me and ive also taken much of the last 3 years educating myself and healing from all the hurt, grief, manipulation and loss of self-worth that I was subjected to...
its strange when one is in a relationship bubble with a narcissist - its like being in a dark room with no light bulb looking for a dark switch.....I wish id known about narcissistic personality disorder all those years ago.......
5.5 years of struggle - 3 years of recovery and healing and ill be honest I thought when I was in the rship that id never get out and when I did and began to reclaim my SELF I thought for a long time that id never heal.....
I am and are.
Thankyou so much for your clarity and these videos,
BUT additionally id really like to know where I can get a copy of your book 'RETHINKING NARCISSISM' .....
I dearly love to have that among my bookshelf to refer to and learn from...
and to help others who are going through similar situations.....
Thanks again
When it comes to npd in most cases you don't have to be a professional to figure it out.
Even if you dont know about NPD, you very well know that somethings wrong with the other person
I feel like I could be a narcissistic abuser. I am afraid of that. That is also a good reason to stay alone. It's that a good thing?
Trish Page i think we all have tendencies, but true narcs dont recognize the behavior as bad. If you are worried, talk to a professional, no one should feel beinf isolated is the only answer
Covert Narc can recognize their behaviour with education and knowledge Kristie McCann and Trish Page
I think in a pathological narcissist, the key features of denial and self delusion aren't able to be overcome. Their mind can't escape from creating a method to flip it and fight against taking responsibility.
Even the decision to protect others from your automatic ways of responding shows empathy for others' needs. Narcissists live in the moment, so wouldn't make a forever alone decision based on how they think it would affect them if they affect others negatively (impulse control would win in the end).
I think it's more likely that shame and self blame are driving your decision, therefore quarantining yourself off from people feeds into that self punishment. From what I gather, having hope and the belief that it's our own actions that dictate what changes or not, is counter to pathological narcissism.
Imho, healing involves self responsibility, self awareness and (to counter over-intellectualisation 😄) connecting in the present moment to our experience, feelings and identity. As opposed to focusing on the fake selves of ourselves and others.
My point is I think it's sane to heal first, but to frame it in a less self denigrating way, as that leads into despair and self sabotage.
Is this is true or a generalization? At any rate I'm going to get some diagnostics done when the testing center opens, get some answers once and for all. I've heard over and over that this isn't something that ever gets cured or treated, only skillfully faked. It would be best to know, and take a handle on my life, reduce the suffering of others.
I feel this way too unfortunately. My ex - who i now get along well with - called me narcissistic 😣 was I gaslighted?
Actually brilliant talk. Thank you so much. I feel some validation re what I have endured over years and years, including lots of negative, derogatory labelling that has harmed me so much. I could almost cry here hearing that what I've endured is a product of narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, story twisting. I have been almost broken, but instead I'm doing a Masters in Psychology. I need to heal but I also need to understand what, how and why i have been subjected to so much narcissistic abuse, invalidation, coercive control. Lump in my throat just feeling that some validation for what I have been subjected to is out there. Narcissism is a construct. I can't believe this. I need to believe this. But the healing will take years, maybe never. I've just ordered your book. I gather I'm an empath but I need to learn more about this construct too, and how it may predispose one to narcissistic abuse in all its forms. They're out there, narcissists...all I know is that I am most definitely NOT one thank heavens. I'd rather live harmed, hurt and a semi-failure than be one of them. X
Perfect description & analysis of my late father, my only & older brother, my first great love (relationship lasted six years & could easily have gone on forever), my first husband, AND my second ex-husband (of 30 years!). It has taken me my entire 74 years of life to understand what happened to them and to me. I think psychoanalysis should be mandatory from the first day of nursery school throughout one’s entire academic education. Sophie
I have found your video series extremely helpful.
Your delivery is so supportive and informative.
Thank you!
I'm so glad you find them helpful!!
I can't wait for the day I escape my mothers words in my ears. I need to run
I was raised by a Narcassitic mother...and had boyfriends with this problem. So now I can smell it out better. I am sending my friends here and getting your book! Thanks!
OMG Dr. Malkin, I bet that was your Mom from the other side knocking down the thing off of your shelf when you said to put up a firewall so the narcissist can't contact you willy nilly. I love this channel, it's so insightful. Thank you!
This is a great video! Thank you!
I find it difficult to buy into the theory that narcissists are insecure, i.e. that they are more insecure than you or I. I used to believe they were indeed insecure because the narcissists I've met talked about and desplayed, sometimes theatrically, their alleged insecurities. The more I got to know them though, the more the insecurities magically disappeared and more true, cruel, cold, callous, arrogant faces appeared. Their vulnerability is a facade that they use to gain trust, compassion and favours from people. They surely do have some insecurities. We all do! But this is not why they abuse and manipulate! There might be some exceptions to this, but they are few and far between. They don't dare to 'attack' people who are prettier, wittier, wealthier, or in other ways more powerful than them. If anything, they looove associating with their betters and will probably lick their arses. Why? To gain benefits from such associations. A truly insecure person would avoid associating with people who are prettier, wittier, wealthier, etc, because it would most likely create negative emotions and thoughts about their own self-esteem. No, narcissists only attack those who in one way or another are more vulnerable. If you are their family and are hitting a rock bottom, they are likely to try and get rid of you. Why? Because you shed a negative light on them. You're 'worthless' and a burden. You don't fit their grandiose, hedonistic plans for themselves. They cannot derive any benefits from you. They will abuse you to lose you..with impunity. They do it because it works, as Dr. George Simon said. I absolutely love Dr. Simon's talks. His account of narcissism is by far the most convincing. Please stop explaining away abuse with insecurities, vulnerabilities and other nonsense. It doesn't help anyone, neither the abuser nor the victim. It is not true. If you don't agree, please provide references to research that is convincing and robust enough to prove me and Dr. Simon wrong.
Sylwia Kurpie attachment insecurity --which is what I described--is well established in the research as underlying pathological narcissism. I've reviewed this research in #RethinkingNarcissism and my many free articles and videos. It doesn't excuse abuse.
To me a true Narc has a black heart . They are so up in down in emotions and actions they are fighting conflict. You can blame the domino effect and then its passed onto others like a cancer. Mental illness is rife today and i have been amongst the chaos from my ex partner that sunk me mentally problem is i have little tolerance with others i invest time in if its not reciprocated. Everyone wants love and attention but people seems to feed what they fight.
In my experiences they abuse those who they secretly envy (kind hearted, empathic, intelligent, truth loving souls) not necessarily "vulnerable" people, whom they tend to use as pawns in their dirty little game. Basically, anyone who has a mind of their own and can through all the BS and don't agree with the narcopath's fake narrative will get covertly sabotaged by them.
I really needed to hear everything you said. Thank you.
Great information, thank you for sharing!
People have told me other people are emotional vampires on Facebook then turned out to be that way themselfs as well hard to know who to trust these days 😞
growing up my stepdad called me a psycho b/c he could see how much it got under my skin and turned me into a psycho.
Sarah Fountain exactly👌
7:30 I am grateful that you said that. I was diagnosed with depression as the marriage got progressively worse. And that was used as a reason to not tell me things he was doing behind my back "for my sake".
Thank you so much for your kindness and loving warmth heart to listening to me. I will like to apologize for that, the universe and cosmic told me to do so, to get the truth out from my chest. Hope you and your family’s have Merry Christmas and love xoxoxo
GASLIGHTING. A term I learned only two years ago. When I used the term with my friends and family, nobody knew what I was talking about. Now, thanks to the current election season, it's entered the pop lexicon, and everybody is talking about it and using it in everyday conversation.
Aves Raggiana then..?
I am confused, I think my girl is narcissistic. She blames me for every single thing in her life, twists facts (or leave half out), everybody is bad, She feels everybody is treated better. But I am the one who call her crazy because what she says or thinks is really upsidedown. When I confront her she will never admit apologise or act constructive. I can also not get her to show empathy. I dont know what to do. I never had these problems with anybody in my life before. I feel like I only deny and she only blames. Its always my fault if she is unhappy. No matter what. Any tip[s?
chris wiebers : Run!
Get out bro serious her spine is weak and she possibly feeding another camp. Ive been through it.
Thank you for these videos Dr. Markin. I have been diagnosed with an attachment disorder which makes me fear my emotionally abusive family who routinely stop associating with me if I fail to submit when they demand I behave in a way that serves them even if I tell them it would be to my detriment to agree to their demands. When you described echoisim you described me exactly. After more then 3 years of no contact on my part a relative recently contacted me and told me again that I need to learn to be vulnerable with them. Their insistance that I be like a duck and let the verbal abuse just roll off my back and that I just need to get over it triggers me unbearably. These are my family members but they don't treat me like they do one another and never have. They would rather shrug their shoulders and say that I'm mentally ill then ever acknowledge how traumatized I am because of our very disordered mother and her flying monkeys. I feel like this is hopeless and I need to just permenantly go no contact with all of them and forget they exist for my own peace of mind.
Dr. M,
Thank you for making public your work that touches the lives of do many of us. Would you raise the volume of your videos? It would be a shame to miss out on this great information.
If you dont have someone to depend on maybe cause youre stuck in a narcissistic family scoegoated etc ? Then they have no choice than to search help and get away and depend on themselfes..
They always need to … 'hook their fingers - into your stuff.' ;)
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
I've been watching ur videos lately and others but nobody has covered my situation yet. My son met and married a girl who's in so many ways like this. My son went from being a close to his family to for the last 25+ yrs ignoring us all. Let me just started sum it up by saying, I can never doing anything that pleases her and she rags on my son about everything she thinks I'm doing wrong and he believes her, then he ends up screaming at me.
They have kicked us out of their lives so many times, and taken out grandkids from us as well to teach us a lesson. Nothing is ever their fault.... nothing..
I think my son is one too or it's been her vudoo crap towards him that's changed him into the awful person he s now.
So thanks for clarifying a lot for both me and my husband . 👍