Oof. What a question. 😂 here’s the good news: I am so much better at breaking up now than I was before. Breakups are much less traumatic and easier than my first earth-shattering heartbreak. The first breakup was the hardest and taught me so much about myself. It was beyond painful learning how to forge a relationship with myself (one I didn’t know I didn’t have). And looking back at that time, I do so weirdly with some fondness. I never had a time so focused on getting to know me and giving myself the attention I needed. Leaned on a lot of resources, Thais was a huge source of comfort. Though there were occasions I needed to step away because much of the content was focused on reconnecting with the ex/understanding their behavior and I needed to shift the focus back to me and my next steps forward. The thing that helped the most was writing. I wrote to myself (past, present, and future) all the time. I let myself work through the worst case scenarios and was honest with myself about how I contributed to the disconnects/re-opening my wounds. With time, I got better at understanding my grief and giving myself room (judgement free) to feel and figure out what I wanted and needed. Did I even allow my ex to get to know me? Was I able to be vulnerable enough to do that? Were they able to be vulnerable enough with me? The answer was no and I appreciated that more fully when I later got in a relationship where both of us were 💯 present/trying (though not def not perfect 😂). It was a very different experience. And that breakup was one I navigated much better because I knew with certainty I was making the right decision, I saw the relationship through, and we both showed up as best we could and actively worked on it. Trust is and was the hardest part when doubt creeps in and ghosts come knocking. Being patient with myself and trusting myself is like a muscle I keep flexing. I practice giving myself lots of evidence as to why I’ll be okay and how I’ve show up for myself/proved negative voice wrong before. I remember that I’m changing too and evolving into someone who has deeper capacity to love everyday. That I made my choices for a reason. I set the standard for what I want in relationships and I decide what’s next. To whoever’s reading this, this is the point where it gets better. ❤ you’re gonna be okay. Take a long, deep breath. You got this.
process it exactly as you describe it. spend a lot of time rationalizing and justifying why its no good and you need to leave. usually a lot of drinking. very dismissive. after a while you are regretful and doubtful about breaking up with them. in and out. fawn and flee. sober. drunk. 😢
It is a affectionate changing between missing and being convinced that it was the only and best solution. But yes, I would say, it takes around six months before being ready to really move on. I think it also depends on the significant other. I have an DA-Ex that dumped me and we basically play the game of who is sticking to no contact for longer. It is also interesting how FA react to the Ex having a rebound relationship. I have the impression that it changed the situation for me at least. Cause it triggers the feeling of not being good enough.
My FA goes to church with me. I see him 3 times a week. He and I have had 3 one week dating events and then he kicks me to the curb so to speak. I think, everyone says I'm in love with him. When he broke up with me this last time, he continued to flirt with me. I called him up and let him have it, not yelling but asking why he keeps doing this to me. I didn't understand at the time he was a FA. But I do now. So I've started to pull back and have as little contact with him as possible, although it is killing me. He still waves, flirts and even wants me to come talk to him. He tells me he's not in love with me but his actions tell me different. His first 2 wives cheated on him, the 2nd nearly killed him and he has been single for 24 years now. We are seniors. I have been binge watching every single video on FA's so I can handle this situation differently than I have before but all of them say no contact and that is just impossible since I go to church with him. I wish I new what to do. BC I want this amazing man back in my life for good.
Usually it's what you described but not this time. I've regretted it from the moment I broke things off 😢 but he's so DA and not working nearly enough... At the rate he's going we'll be in our 80's by the time he's secure. Well, he's reading your book now. We'll see what happens but I'm heartbroken. I miss him so much... Just not the negativity & emotional repression & emotional unavailability & emotional maturity. I know they all stem from being avoidant. I'm just saying
I am freaking traumatized from this breakup, I won’t reach out whatever their style attachment i am a human with feelings no one should be treated like that
Agree i am so sorry for what happened to you i dont think that having fearful avoidant is an reason for treating people badly. I think this video is more of an explanation of why it did happen and how it is effective on them.
She broke up with me last year, originally offered friendship. After the break up, a few weeks went by and she reached out. I set a boundary, said what I needed and gave an estimate on time, telling her I would reach out when I was ready. Some stupid drama happened, that she and her friends started. I reached out after 7 months, she lashed out at me. The lashing continued for the next few months with unfriending, blocking, and booting despite the fact I only sent her 2 messages. Through therapy, I have realised how harmful a lot of her behaviour was for me. I am thriving personally and professionally, I don’t expect to hear from her again, her loss.
Lol it exactly happened to me as well lol his best friend’s wife just blocked me everywhere lolll so childish, they are even older than me each 2 and more than 4 or 5 yrs lolll they are mid 30s…. Lol.. I can bare this game anymore, so I blocked her and him on my social media as well.. why.. there are so many immature people in the earth. Now I am even regretting my good memories with him and his friends loll You better walk away Rejection is god’s presence lolllllll
The more I've dealt with and listened to how FA's operate...the more interacting with them feels like an unworthy use of my time and energy. It sucks, because I know it's not "their fault", but they're a real pain in the ass to deal with. (I'm talking someone who seems deeply FA). Don't waste your time on these people if they're not trying to heal themselves...that's my advice.
@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il Well, again I'll emphasize the "If they're not trying to heal themselves part". That sounds like the case for your partner, and I'm happy to hear it. But when they are still unconsciously stuck in 'FA zone', it's a needless rollercoaster ride. As a man with lots of other options, it's laughably unappealing. I do wish you and yours the best, sounds like a right place right time sort of thing for her. There are plenty of more secure women that are also passionate and beautiful.
Comments like these are really sad and unhelpful, although I totally understand people feeling completely burnt by someone or that they went through something either very draining or even traumatizing with someone, and I know for me even this was my first response to the aftermath of my relationship with a DA. (I think I said something along the lines of, they should come with a warning label when even introducing themselves in potential relationship arenas. Which is not right.) I understand why I might have felt that way, but it's not a fair or accurate thing to say of anyone really. And DA's are in retrospect some of the wisest most amazing people to experience and learn from and know. Wherever they are at in their process. So I get it but, I feel qualified to say after feeling essentially destroyed - and I don't just mean emotionally but, many aspects of my life were impacted by that person, and I STILL don't agree with comments like this. It actually helped me to look into my own things more, once I paused and saw more than one perspective. I don't really like to even reference things like 'healing' or 'change' because I think that insinuates a brokenness in people that they need to address before being worthy of love or a healthy relationship. I think a better way to look at it - and this applies to ALL of us, even as evidenced by some of these types of comments, is that AWARENESS in general in life, of ourselves, and compassion for ourselves and other people, and our differences, is an invaluable tool to build on. And honestly, I don't think there really is a truly 'secure' category of really anyone, there's just a spectrum, and we are all constantly learning, growing and evolving emotionally as humans, just from our life experiences and wisdom. Some are more apt to being open to and curious about this process and taking it a step further by understanding attachment theory and personal development is fantastic, but we are ALL humans trying to figure out life as we go. And none of us are doing that perfectly. Lastly, with all of that said, I am an FA myself, with a past history of emotional and physical abuse, and a great deal of trauma surrounding that which I was not fully aware of until I actually met a DA who activated a side of my relationship approach that I had previously not encountered. And this prompted me to look more deeply at myself, and past relationships also. I have had several long term, healthy and functional relationships, and remain on good terms with mostly everyone I have ever dated or been close friends with. However looking back now I can see so many things that I didn't before, and I can understand my own handicaps and difficulties- but I was certainly not a terrible person or partner. And in doing the work actually, as I did essentially by accident after encountering a DA, some of the ways he treated me and our relationship, and my responses and interactions with that, which not only fed into this dynamic (since no relationship experience is due to one person on either end, there's just varying levels of awareness one or both are able to access regarding their own participation.) So this prompted me to look more at myself. That alone is indicative of an FA's curiosity, compassion and response to something versus people who just write off entire relationships because of the other person. Or a 'type'. Anyway in doing that work, and even before that, FA's are (IMO) some of THE most valuable friends and partners as far as being extremely aware, compassionate, willing to learn and grow, patient with themselves and others, generous, passionate, strong, creative, attentive, fun, massively loving, endlessly loyal and yes even extremely consistent and reliable beings that are just a blessing to this world. When they encounter potential partners who exhibit patience, curiosity for their experiences and potential weaknesses, a willingness to learn more about them without diminishing them, be open and supportive, showing trustworthy and emotionally reliable behavior themselves also (versus someone who just sees someone as needing to 'grow' while not examining their own contribution to the dynamic) they can and will build that consistency, and flourish in the right environments. Coming from any background of trauma that we FA's are usually arriving from, it is sometimes hard to even get up each day, want to be here, believe we are worthy of anything really, keep living and functioning sometimes when feeling our worst. Let alone to be able to work through issues, and show up in the ways that we do (even when we haven't fully worked through our issues, and it is a life long process for literally everyone as a human to do so) - it is a remarkable feat that unless you have walked in our shoes, another could not understand. Does that give someone a pass to act or treat others however they want? Absolutely not. But for ANY attachment style, and particularly those with histories of sometimes extreme cases of abuse and trauma, even when it is not always fully known or openly discussed with others (Like many FA's) - please do not make blanket statements about 'staying away from' or waste of time etc. As that is not only completely harmful and conveying a lack of awareness or support as a human, aside from even a relationship perspective - it is also completely false, no matter where someone is at in their journey, what attachment style they are, doing the 'work' or even not. No one is a lost cause. Like Thais herself, FA's are truly diamonds to know, if you are lucky enough to meet someone who has been through the worst things in life and not only gets back up, but helps pick up and lead others along the way. With the biggest hearts, the most wisdom, attention to detail and healing compassion supported by the rare gift of understanding so many different perspectives, given their own experiences. Please give them the same compassion, regardless of your personal experience or dating preferences, wherever they are at on their journeys. Ideally everywhere, but at the very least by refraining from making global and misguided comments such as this one, especially in a place where people are showing up to listen, and learn.
@@Kinteresting I think it's sad that you find it to be other people's responsibility to tolerate, help fix, and deal with your unhealed trauma. All under the guise of "romantic love". I'm Sorry if that stings, but it's not my job to fix someone else's shit. It doesn't mean you're broken, or anything of the sort. But it does mean you have issues that are affecting how you attach and deal with people over the long term. Is it worth creating extra 'trauma' in my own life, because some woman can't face her own issues? Nope, I'd rather find more secure and conscious women to engage with. I wish you the best in 'healing' or whatever term you want to use.
@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il Agreed sir, and it's all of our own responsibility to eventually figure our issues out...and I commend anyone brave enough to do so.
I have a secure attachment style and cannot understand why anyone would want to reconnect with an avoidant. That was a confusing lesson to learn. Why would I want to take them back let alone try to "help them heal" which really just sounds like trying to change someone?? That's their job, not mine.
Because there are other things about them that you're compatible with, you're also a trauma victim yourself and share similar life experiences and patterns of thinking that you can't find with other people. When you're in survival mode being with someone who had a very relaxed childhood and their bread buttered for them can be frustrating sometimes because it's ie you're aways thinking for them.
As a recovering FA, I focus on recentering myself on my purpose, then direct my energies into becoming a better version of myself after a breakup. Mind, Body, Spirit Growth. The more secure I become, the more I see every challenge as an opportunity. All relationships are such an awesome opportunity to expand self awareness of yourself and how to love others. If a breakup occurs, it's likely due to one or both parties requiring more awareness of their own needs, wants or desires. Learning to communicate and fulfill all parties needs, wants and desires while respecting all parties boundaries. It's a miracle any of us are able to have healthy relationships at all. That said, I am so grateful for PDS. Thais & the PDS team has done the seemingly impossible. PDS has given me hope that healthy love in this lifetime is not only possible but probable. For that beacon of optimism, I am eternally grateful. Cheers ❤🥂
this is SO on point! ofc breakups hurt & there is a grieving process. but once one gets past that, to see the lessons the breakup offers is worth their weight in gold. then to express gratitude to those nuggets of wisdom which is exactly that -- ppl aren't capable of meeting needs. then it's building a relationship exploring what Are my needs? why do I still choose the ppl I do who can't show up the way I need? what core wounds do I still have to heal? to accept there's no shame in having needs even if you've been told otherwise. to not take things personally & simply accept that's where they're at in their journey but it doesn't suit your personal needs fulfillment. & that you're absolutely allowed to have needs, esp after childhood traumas of the inner child in need of healing. out of so many comment walls of hurt feelings it's refreshing to see someone going thru their own transformation. best of luck to you! cheers!
@@fernfractalyou place way too much power in the hands of the hands of the victim. "Why do I chose people who can't meet my needs?" The answer is because usually they lie about who they are and pretend to be able to meet your needs then after they get what they want--sex, attention, a fun time, etc.--the real them shows up and they decide not to meet any needs and just do what they want. There is no way to prepare for it and no way to know if the person is question is lying. So stop acting like we all chose this. A lot of us are lied to.
Good lord. This does not sound easy. Atleast the anxiously attached are consistant but this sounds impossible. The re-intermittent behavior from the fearfull sounds like a recipe for a trauma bond.
Im still leaning on the side ofthe attachment styles dsting one nother unless healing is happening. narcissist together. da and narcissist, fa and fa, etc It is best not to get your self tangle in that because you will have to do the work to heal which is sometimes extra time waisted. Pray for them but wouldnt say be with them
I was an AP. My FA traumatised me, hurt me, discarded me and deflected and gaslit me. Never listened to me and created narratives. I have become numb and totally don’t ever want to trust another person. I can cope on my own. I view people as if I am a third party observer now.
beware of the pattern of becoming what you were hurt by - this is the first step of becoming a fearful avoidant yourself. Once you put a limit on your emotions and start numbing out when feeling something, you slip into being FA yourself
My situation is exactly how Thais outlined. We’re in speaking mode now.. I’m just not sure when to try having a commitment discussion.. so last week I initiated a convo while cuddling about my own healing and he first the time opened up about his fears of appearing needy. This was in the context of his male friends who don’t show up for him as he does. It felt like growth. I’m hopeful the momentum keeps going. I’m self regulating when he doesn’t reply back to my text same day and am spacing out reach outs to give him space. But man I miss the daily good morning texts and crave having a clear discussion on if we can work together to come together in a real way. So f’ing hard!
The best way I dealt with this is saying that I dont want any expectations and Im sure you care but Id really appreciate it if you could at least check in with me even if briefly daily. Id not expect they wont be cold every so often but if they truly feel safe it does get better and more consistent overtime.
Girl, value yourself more than this. He’s giving breadcrumbs and you’re accepting them as good enough when you aren’t happy with them. You want more from a partner , so why be with him when he’s not giving you what you want ? It’s not “secure” behavior to do this, it’s still very anxious. If you want more and he’s not giving it, you have to move on.
Return the favour and see how he scrambles. What his friends do to him he's doing to you. Men understand the language of actions. You can pull away too.
Accommodate the avoidant and pander to them. You're needs and feelings will not matter. You gain nothing. It makes no sense to even try to have a relationship
I'm an FA leaning anxious. It's been one month now, and my anxiety is through the roof. I want to reach out so badly, but I stop myself. Every time my anxiety gets really high, I go for a walk or do some exercise, and it gets better. The anxiety comes and goes. I know the relationship wasn't healthy, and I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I feel so much guilt for hurting them as well and i've been ruminating too much to cope (not good). These videos help me a lot. Thank you for what you do.
Apologize to them not for them but to forgive yourself. They may not respond or they may not even want to talk to you, but YOU will finally have peace. You only suffer in your mind. You got this! 💪🏾💪🏾
@@katie4122whoa I read your comment and I almost thought I had written this myself! my partner left at my worst moment and I feel like they were somehow repulsed by my need for support. I was the “strong one” in the relationship for a long time but illness undermined this identity. my partner was drawn like a magnet to strong free people without illness, and shut down communication completely with me, then backed out of relationship extremely quickly with zero explanation, almost like I had done something terrible to them (I didn’t). I think my weakness made them terrified and disgusted and scared witless with fear of being trapped….
@@katie4122also I’m sure shame, guilt and defensiveness for leaving was huge too. somehow they had to tear me down in their eyes to make up for that guilt. I was just there trying to survive, not even asking for support any longer as I could feel they were incapable of it.
@katie4122 I think he may be on the avoidant side. Fear is not logical. We need to work on healing our childhood wounds(subconscious). The chaos that happens within us is overwhelming. (We need a lot of space to cool down our thoughts and feelings. We find peace alone(no problems to deal with)). It is very exhausting. As an FA, I do a lot of flip-flopping. We don't want to hurt, burden people, or look weak. We crave love so much(and try), but we are so afraid to the point of giving up ("I can't do this"). We feel unworthy, not good enough, and that you deserve better. I'm guessing you're an anxious style. You may have been pressuring him in some way. (Problems may overwhelm him; he's not good at dealing with it, a burden) For me, I feel that we can only support you with your problems, not always solving them for you. You may have to teach us how you want our support.(have your own autonomy) It would be best if he was willing enough to get better (therapy/ self-awareness/ self improve) and communicate. I learned about attachment theory, so at least I am aware and communicative. This is just from my perspective as I do swing avoidant, too. He may be similar.Idk your situation. Check out other videos on fearful avoidant and dismissive. We have similar patterns when we deactivate.
You don't have to but if you mean that you haven't contacted them then you need to take responsibility for your own actions as well. My ex went no contact with me too, full on ghosted me. If he's not communicating with me then I don't owe him anything and am justified in living my life as I please, being intimate with who I want (he tried breadcrumbing me before he ghosted, telling me he wasn't closing the door but that I should see other people... "not sleep with them but go on dates"... f-that, I'm not his backup plan for other guys to entertain while he's deactivated) No contact is for you and bettering yourself, you can't control the actions of others. It's up to you to decide what is right for yourself and what you're willing to accept
I have been learning so much for a while on this but just today I realized the reason the FA I am seeing keeps swinging into the anxious side after deactivating is because I ignore him when he is deactivating. I don’t chase him or pressure him. I just let him go so then when he comes back he is super anxious! I’m now secure but lean AP at times. I have dated a couple DAs so when he deactivates it does trigger me a bit that he will leave but because we have been seeing eachother long enough and gone through this cycle enough with him I know he will be back so now I just go on with my life. Not sure how long this will continue because progress is slow with him like this. Time will tell!
I am impressed with how much responsiblity you take for your own life. How much trust you must have in a power that has your highest good always in mind. What a graceful dance of love you are able to partcipate in.
@@jeannined7532 Amen! Without Jesus I am nothing and it is Him who enables me to accomplish more than I ever could with my own power or will. Blessings to you!
Im sure Jesus doesnt want you doing things that would allow the healing he does in you to be taken backwards by dealing with same old situations. Its all forward movement in the Kingdom. The time we give to another does count because honestly how much time do you have? Nobody knows, so focusing on Jesus is our only hope, that God will send the right guy/girl and/or heal the other. You found strength in Jesus and so will the guy have to. We arent healers but we can participate through prayer and however the Holyspirit leads.
Worst mistake of my life. 10 years of it, and she destroyed my soul. Health conditions, multiple discard , abusive. Just discarded me now, and she's onto the next person already.
10 years also with me. He is ghosting me since 3 months Kind of. Crazy painful. Broke up, came back, gone and Said he dienst want to break up, but ghosting stonewalling, nooooooo emotions. I feel drained and aggro meanwhile
As FA leaning more DA now..if I’m the one being dumped..I generally won’t feel anything forever it’s a permanent deactivation..I won’t even have emotions to be repressed..like nothing is in there..I didn’t cry or feel any pain or longing as if “we never happened”…and I’m fine with it..but I was worried if I’m numbing myself or is it actually so over that I can’t remember how it felt?..that level of deactivating is so extreme for me and it’s a no return point I was waiting for my anxious side to kick in but it won’t I’ve been injured badly
This scares the hell out of me. I think my ex is probably the same as you even though there was some pretty major stuff happening at the time, stuff neither of us could control, and I regretted dumping him immediately and have since apologized
this is the perfect example of why not to date unless the person is also a narcissit or another da, or not until your healed so you can date an sa. So when anyone deactivates the other will not feel anything because alot of us do feel it. Blessings and wisdom to us all.
Just wanted to react, because I was recently discarded by an FA. While it has been the most confusing time of my life and the distance he put between us hurt like hell, he was also the sweetest, most helpful and generous person I have ever met. And if I had known he was an FA, I think we would have been great together, as we really connected (which sadly drove him away). But despite getting hurt, I do not regret being with him, because I know that if I ever get in trouble, he will be there for me
Same thing happened to me with my FA ex gf. Best relationship I have ever had. Most caring, most supporting person I've ever met. Then one day I get discarded.
@@bigbadlara5304 Sorry to hear it has also happened to you. It's a terrible experience to go through, and difficult to explain to others why it is so devastating... but with that said, I'm glad I got to know him, and I learned a lot about myself and boundaries. So I guess that's why he came in my life
i had a situationship with a FA before i learned and understood this attachment style. a complete and total pain in the ass with the dismissive side (the pull backs and disappearing for days) and then the anxious side (clinging, asking are you upset with them whenever you dont have time to see or talk to them, among others). i'm a man of options and typically i could care less what a woman does, but this FA was very feminine and nurturing and i lowered my guard a little and developed some feelings for her. if i wasnt a man of options she would have driven me insane. i can definitely understand how men without options who get involed with a FA literally have their hearts and self esteem run through hell.
Feminine women don't use and discard people. Femininity isn't about wearing makeup, dresses, doing hair everyday or colorful nails. Feminity is about care, cooperation, pleasure, sustenance. People who are nurturing don't hurt you when you've done nothing to them. The main reason why you fe for her nonsense was because of her aesthetic and you like many men associated that aesthetic with a personality type you think comes with it. Also every man has options. You're not extra special because of your income or looks.
A lot of these comments have been hurt by FAs and I completely can empathize with those situations - but as a FA person, I promise you all it is not an easy mind and if they seem like they really are trying to change and address all of the hurt caused, try to support and lead with empathy:)💗
I am an FA. In the past I could never break up with someone and hurt them, so I would just become a total crazy bitch so they hated me and wanted to leave. But then I always tried to get them back. I don’t know why. I could never stay away from anyone, they always had to leave me and go complete NC with me or I would ALWAYS contact them. Always. I just wanted to apologise, or be friends, or see how they were or get back together. Zero boundaries. 30 years and so much inner work and decades of shame I’m further down the line. I can speak my truth now, hold my own, know my worth and see what I do and dont want. There is still a lot of inner turmoil though. A non existent (physically and emotionally) father and an abusive, neglectful DA mother really made an impact on my inner child. The healing journey continues. Good luck everyone.
@@CitiesOfAsh But apparently you don't feel bad for the trauma she went through that made her that way? What a crappy comment, she's working on healing herself so she doesn't cause anyone else trauma
As a FA how do I trust anyone, I sabotage my relationships cause I have deep trust issues, I want to become more secure, also I am in a relationship with a DA, and let me tell ya I thought I was bad. This guy is the king of hot and cold, push and pull, I've been on his emotional roller coaster for over a year and I wanna get off...help😢
Start learning how to trust yourself. I would recommend these steps: 1. Write down everything that has happened during your interactions. 2. Seek professional psychological help with the sole intent to not repeat your past behavior patterns as the goal. 3. Set a time limit. Once you have established what is going on in this dynamic, set one time limit and stick to it. Give yourself one month before you end it. 4. Leave. If your boundaries are not being met, walk away and never return. Do no go no contact, go silent and completely goodbye. 5. Grieve. Take this time to mourn the loss and shed tears if you must. Heal yourself. 6. Establish your boundaries. Make sure people know you have them and leave them if you believe that they are dragging you down. 7. Re invent yourself. Take the time to change your behaviors to rid yourself of the people around you. Don’t feel bad they need to go. Even if it’s family, leave them and surround yourself with people who care. This will be hard but I have faith you will do this. May YAH bless you on your journey.
we have rebuilding trust course in the school... Self trust is key! Also other FA based courses and material to help with trust and reprogrwmming core wounds.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool The videos you have been very helpful. I had an interesting encounter with a FA or DA who made up an entire relationship in her head but it was never true. That’s all I’ll say. I’m secure now, just looking into these videos gives me perspective on how stuck they can be.
That sounds like my situationship with a DA. We triggered each other. So passionate and full of love at the core but I couldn’t trust him. He said my constant accusations pushed him away. It’s been 3 years and I’m really doing my best to back away. We aren’t compatible.
I have no idea how my FA is dealing with the breakup. I wish him well. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I like my space, also. Once a week or once every two weeks was perfectly fine with me. Apparently, his fears got the better of him. He did a slow fade for three years. He finally dumped me for another eight months ago after a mostly good four years together. He wanted to remain friends. Nope! I just let him go without a tear. NC forever for me. I will probably always have love for him, but I don't ever wish to reunite with him. No hard feelings on my part. I do hope he is happy and doing well, however. We have texted briefly: birthdays, holiday greetings. I understand the reasons for the behavior. He will probably not change at this point. We are both senior citizens. I have moved on with my life.
I’m having hard time with the separation with my wife, it’s only 3 weeks and sometimes I got some cool and hot. My anxiety is my weakness and it make me feels depressed hurting deeply inside my heart, regretting my behavior in the past. She’s my strength 😔 I’m emotionally exhausted of feeling like this.🥺
Mine didn't want to get back with me 3 weeks after I broke up, now suddenly is doing everything he can to win back my trust after I discovered this past weekend he was actually cheating on me online with two girls he knew sincr high school. Girls he gaslit me about the whole relationship and said not to worry about. Narcissistic lovebombing.
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case? Reply
This is me. A guy was moving so fast and very intensely. We’ve been friends since childhood but he was talking about marriage and family. I wanted to run. Very turned off but I communicated it to him and it’s better.
Do you have any insight on why the FA might be talking about marriage and moving in and saying I love you and then shortly after deactivates??? This has happened with the guy I am seeing several times now. I haven’t pushed anything in the relationship other than I don’t like when he deactivates and stops talking to me. I have told him that. I just don’t understand why after deactivating he comes back 1000 mph with all that stuff and freaks himself out 😥 It’s been this cycle a few times now!
@@nicoleflusk5434FA here. It’s the feelings minus fears math equation Thais speaks to in other videos. When I am vulnerable and tell someone I care, then I panic and go into hiding (deactivate), because being vulnerable triggers my fear/core wound of “I will be betrayed”. Once you know I like you, my mind then tells me you now know how to hurt, use, and abuse me. It’s all my core wounds and fears coming up; not what you’ve said or done.
@@lucytownsend1176 thank you for this! He has told me he is afraid I will hurt him. I feel bad because I want to be able to help and I don’t think I can. I know he has to work through it on his own but in the meantime it’s so hard to get emotionally close then have these periods of being cut off. I feel like we have to start over. Sometimes is just several days but sometimes like now it’s weeks before he comes back around.
Can I just speak for every FA out there (and DA and anyone else) and tell everyone in the comments there are NO two people alike and even these predictable unpredictable patterns are not predictable so please please just look after your needs, and do not try to understand what another attachment style is like. For example, i am not an asshole. Other people are. I have acted like an asshole. I don’t know what the word ‘healed’ and ‘secure’ even truly mean (even though i am now considered those things). Just also please remember some people suck and some people are great. Usually we are all quite a bit of both. Just take care of you and there’s no way to totally understand anyone else. We can all barely endeavor to understand ourselves in a lifetime.
No, it's not always in childhood. Although it is the foundation, attachment evolves with you. As you continue to accrue life experiences in relation to others, it can alter your attachment.
Your attachment strategy won't change due to a one of/few events. Its blueprint is set in early childhood relationships with care givers. However, we continously adapt and mature and can change our strategies according to new events /relationships experienced. In the case of real danger, avoidance is the common strategy, as it is about survival. So it's protective. That doesn't necessarily mean the person will be avoidant in future relationships unless it's sustained, ongoing and therefore adapting to avoidant would be an advantage for the person. Check out Patricia Crittenden's model of attachment the DMM, it's excellent (as are Thais' Videos) 👍🏼
Divorce can definitely cause the type of trauma that can alter a person’s attachment style. So can being in a toxic relationship. Our nervous system is ever changing and it can change for the better if nurtured or it can change for the worse.
Does it not come off as desperate to reach out to an FA just 6 weeks after a break up if they ended it? And if she is on dating apps (according to my friends) then does she even want to hear from me?
Yes, it shows anxiety to contact her 6 weeks after the breakup. The best plan for you AND her is to be No Contact forever. Don’t check on her through social media or mutual friends. (I am 4 months of NC with an FA ex-. Worked through the pain and grief, worked on myself, then started casual dating. I’m now indifferent about whether she comes back.)
So I’m pregnant and FA/DA ex left almost 8 weeks ago. I have not done any more than 5 days of no contact due to being pregnant with his child and my other kiddos wanting to FaceTime with him because they love him so much so they have been doing that weekly. I have asked to get back together twice and he has said bo that he is happy where he is with his space and time. My kids asked today and he said he left because he and I weren’t working well together as a team. anyway my question is how do I go about this. I do want him back because I want it for our son. he is not healed and is trying to do some shadow work on his own. I want my family together and for our son to not bot have his parents together.
@@seemu2927Friendly reminder: Avoid getting pregnant with or starting a family with someone who has an avoidant attachment style (DA), especially if they are unaware of it or unwilling to work on improving their attachment style.
@@seemu2927In the end, you might find yourself alone with children and they continually seek solitude due to their dismissive avoidant attachment style. They may come back again, but the cycle of running away and returning can continue indefinitely
I'm speaking from my own experience, but fortunately, I keep in mind that while I want a family, this person does not seem willing to take on the responsibility of a family running away and returning, making it an unsafe environment for a family to be in
I broke No contact at 6 weeks to return his stuff. Does that mean I might have pushed him back into deactivation? I didn't mention the relationship, kept it light and casual. He was very curious about my life, work and what I was doing and we only spoke for 30 minutes in person. I'm going back to No contacto though I don't expect him to reach out because he never initiated contact with me in these past 2 months. Does the period of 6 weeks to 3 months follow this?
Hi Thais, i love your videos. I’ve been following for several months now. Im interested in your courses. Every time I go on your site, I try to click “sign up” and it doest work (wont forward to the next page etc). I do this on my iphone. Is it not compatible for Iphones?
Curious to know (not for taking them back at all, more just learning) My FA did reach out after a month. saying they missed me and all the normal stuff and if we could go back to before. I declined and wished her well. 2/3 weeks later. she is already with another guy going for weekend retreats and all that fun stuff. Is that the last time I will generally hear from her as she has found her next poor victim and im free forever. (please say yes) Or is this a rebound and will just jump to and from still trying to be part of my life... understand its hard without the whole context, but i feel like all of this stuff is generalised into likely patterns.
The first time I brought me up with him ( he moved 3,000 miles either his “business partner” with no warning and then told me he was never coming back we didn’t talk for 4 months. I reached out to him and we were talking but then I saw his “business partner” post to her social media how glorious “their” new home in the state they moved to was. I confronted him. He said it was all fake and all their social media posts were fake. So I said you are saying you’re an accomplice to lying to promote your business and make more money? The conversation went downhill from there. I feel great! I feel free. I never knew that they had dating You Tube posts while we were living together 😢 He to this day stands firm it was all fake. They don’t have any social media posts together promoting their business , just them having fun together 😂 And there are no You Tube video of him alone promoting “their” business together either just her selling “their” businesses 😂
been no contact 8 weeks ( almost 2 months) - she ghosted me and ignored my messages before, so i went no contact. - after the 8 weeks, she started obsessively watching all my whatsapp posts, everytime i posted, she watched inside of an hour, she never did that before. i dont have energy and time for these games. its exhausting, i want to talk like grown up people. . i dont want to give someone else the privilege over my hapiness in life. so because she decided not to answer me for 2 months, i decided to delete her number after she started watching my posts. i want to talk like a mature person - i dont want to stay on pause for that person to grow up and wait forever, because unfortunately, im not a vampire
Is this process delayed if she jimps into a very foolish rebound relationship. Its obvious its hollow and just a band aid. But i believe thia has prevented her from reactivation ?
I have heard you 21 days to four weeks, no contact with fearful avoidants. Here you say 4 to 6 weeks with them, with emphasis on 6 weeks.It has confused me. Please be more consistent. Have I messed up my chance because I contacted them at 4 weeks?
So my FA gf discarded me over something minor. Only now do I begin to understand what happened. For two weeks I tried to reconcile platonjcally but she doesn't want to talk at all. I know on this channel she says the chance the FA will contact you again after multiple weeks is high. But please also think of yourself and your own well being. I don't know details of your breakup. But in my situation it really is simply the best way forward for me to let go of her. I still find myself caring a Lot of her. But I also realize there are others out there. And realistically. If you get back together what are the chances she is going to want to improve on the things that went wrong before. My suspicion is that you really reflected on yourself and want to change. I am in that same situation. But Please understand that she Has to do the same as well. Otherwise the same thing is going to happen. Please think of yourself as well. You matter.
I suspect my ex is FA, he refuse to communicate with me but he still put me under his Spotify family plan and from time to time he would remove me for a few days then add me back. Is this a way of indirect reach out? Or he simply want to play mind game?
I was dating an FA (he doesn’t know about this and I’m just figuring it out) for a month and a half, he had so much trust in me we talked all day every day. We spent weekend together and I didn’t like something he said, I said I had to go for a walk and I’d be right back. When I got back he was gone. He hasn’t opened any of my messages for 12 days, I think he’s embarrassed or shut off his feelings. Should I reach out and apologize and say I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk? Or should I leave him alone?
12 days of not contacting you after disappearing? I think you need to see this red flag loud and clear. It is abandonment and he should apologize to you and even then be very wary of this person and think hard about forgiving him after he explains very clearly where that behaviour comes from. But that kind of abandonment does not sound worthy of your love. Love yourself first.
I’m stuck in this cycle, I’m 9 weeks NC with what I believe is a FA. She’s done indirect hurtful things on socials to get under my skin. Though I’m just unsure when’s the right time to reach out?
Never. Don’t reach out. Stop looking at her social media activities. It just keeps you energetically addicted. If she grows + heals and later contacts you, then treat that as the start of a *potential* new relationship. In the meantime work on yourself and other relationships. (I am 4 months of No Contact with an FA. Seen each other 3 times at social events but no conversation or interaction. Not clear if she is working on herself or has changed at all. I am indifferent about whether she comes back.)
I may have been the rebound relationship with an FA that wasn’t always an FA until a traumatic relationship. We started talking 3 weeks after that relationship ended but didn’t date until 5 months after (we have known each other for 4 years and find comfort with one another). I brought things on a little too fast and caused her to leave to be alone as she said she isn’t ready, is it possible for us to reconnect. I am doing my own self healing and work to be better with or without her but I’m curious.
It depends what you are looking for. IMO if I cant get any commitment after 6 months. Im not talking anything too drastic. But somesort of understannding around where we stand, where it is going then for me its a sign to walk away. I beat myslef up so much for having the ‘being official’ convo becuase that was the downhill spiral of everything. But in reality we spoke everyday for hours for 6 months, we both said we had feelings and wanted it to work, she said she saw a future. I met her family and got close to them (she never met mine), we were sleeping togeher. literallly 99% of things at the start of a relationship. I was made to feel awful by saying id appreciate it if we were both on the same page with the fact we are not sleeping with anyone else or entertaining anyone else. Aparrently i was rushing her too much and i wasnt being chill anymore and ruining the vibe. Honestly baffles me.
Should you wish them happy birthday after 3 months of breakup. Have broken no contact 4 times, he responded every time, never initiated contact. I finally wanted to let go and sent his stuff back to him. He didn’t react to it. I am in no contact since 25 days. His birthday is in two weeks, would it be right to wish him? (I do want him back)
FA is so hard to predict. You never know what you need to do to make them happy. I’d just keep no contact. I know it’s hard but you have to accept it, no contact is the only way, even it’s their birthday or any special day. Just treat them as a stranger. Move on with your life and work on yourself, become more attractive. Make them regret! My breakup is just 3 weeks ago, it’s been really hard because I love him so much, but he didn’t love me. I have to let it go and respect myself. The same for you. Your life is more than just him; the person who doesn’t deserve your love
@@musicandart9711 I never reached out again. I have made peace with the thought that it’s over, i still do cry sometimes but it’s ok. You should be proud of yourself! They don’t deserve eternal and intense love, you are handling it well and trust me you will get through this. More power to you🤍✨
@@TheClumsyTinkerbell Heyy, thanks for checking. I did write him a letter 7 days before his birthday about how he had hurt me and how hurtful it is to know that he is been having fun after discarding me. He never responded. I never wished him on his birthday. It’s been 6months of breakup, he never reached out. Honestly i don’t care anymore, I am slowly getting out of the zombie mode, slowly getting back to life and in the process of finding myself. I don’t think he will ever reach out. And I am ok with that❤️🩹
will take back my FA ex if she works on her MANY MANY issues - but if she even kissed somebody else during no contact - 3 weeks will be over on tuesday - i will contact her to get my stuff worth couple thousand euros worth, back or should I not really mention my stuff as it only seems like me wanting my things but not working with her?
Such bs!! Too many hoops to jump through. I tried my very best, patience of a saint. Tonight he said he has other girlfriends. True or not? Idk. But I’m done feeling sorry for him and his issues. He was harsh & unfeeling, like a sociopath.
I’m going through a breakup with my fa or da idk which but breakup was okay but we just kept getting into it after arguing not communicating well my ex kept avoiding everything and then I tried to apologize for blowing my exes phone up and I said well can we still stay in some sort of contact and cause it’s not worth it otherwise and she said move on I said I don’t want to burn bridges and she was like well I’m telling you to move on but she still has me on snap sometimes looks at my stories I’m so confused I know there needs to be more information said but does anyone have an opinion or help to see if there’s even a chance also she’s transgender so Idk if that affects anything and we are both 24
Are you saying after 6 weeks of no contact they begin to want to reconnect or 6 weeks after the first 6 weeks of no contact? My ex is in the first 4 weeks with signs of curiosity viewing my story. Then posting the same day as me
Some may take it personally if they think youre doing it against them, best I can really say is limit your activity and try not to talk much about whats going on until they reach out but only if youre willing to wait around a month.
@xsenobe no, think of no contact as just not reaching out to them. don't change your social-media habits, but definitely don't post anything that looks like you're grieving the loss. i highly recommend Craig Kenneth's videos, he's a great help with understanding no contact.
Hi 8 weeks after break up with fa been in regular contact hot and cold she asked to go to lunch even asked to pick her up had a good few hrs kissed couple of times but she was still little distant but has opened up more about whats happening in her life when she never really used to we were in a 3yr relationship Should i go no contact for her to reach out
not been aaround for a minute, because you said you were gonna release a big special video interview with your guy, and talking about your struggles throuigh power struggle etc. but man, Thais you looking so good! so au naturelle, loving this look lovely!! the channel;#s levelling up up UP gurrl! good efforts!
FAs what is your experience of losing someone? How do you feel and how do you process a breakup?
Oof. What a question. 😂 here’s the good news: I am so much better at breaking up now than I was before. Breakups are much less traumatic and easier than my first earth-shattering heartbreak.
The first breakup was the hardest and taught me so much about myself. It was beyond painful learning how to forge a relationship with myself (one I didn’t know I didn’t have). And looking back at that time, I do so weirdly with some fondness. I never had a time so focused on getting to know me and giving myself the attention I needed.
Leaned on a lot of resources, Thais was a huge source of comfort. Though there were occasions I needed to step away because much of the content was focused on reconnecting with the ex/understanding their behavior and I needed to shift the focus back to me and my next steps forward.
The thing that helped the most was writing. I wrote to myself (past, present, and future) all the time. I let myself work through the worst case scenarios and was honest with myself about how I contributed to the disconnects/re-opening my wounds.
With time, I got better at understanding my grief and giving myself room (judgement free) to feel and figure out what I wanted and needed. Did I even allow my ex to get to know me? Was I able to be vulnerable enough to do that? Were they able to be vulnerable enough with me?
The answer was no and I appreciated that more fully when I later got in a relationship where both of us were 💯 present/trying (though not def not perfect 😂). It was a very different experience. And that breakup was one I navigated much better because I knew with certainty I was making the right decision, I saw the relationship through, and we both showed up as best we could and actively worked on it.
Trust is and was the hardest part when doubt creeps in and ghosts come knocking. Being patient with myself and trusting myself is like a muscle I keep flexing. I practice giving myself lots of evidence as to why I’ll be okay and how I’ve show up for myself/proved negative voice wrong before.
I remember that I’m changing too and evolving into someone who has deeper capacity to love everyday. That I made my choices for a reason. I set the standard for what I want in relationships and I decide what’s next.
To whoever’s reading this, this is the point where it gets better. ❤ you’re gonna be okay. Take a long, deep breath. You got this.
process it exactly as you describe it. spend a lot of time rationalizing and justifying why its no good and you need to leave. usually a lot of drinking. very dismissive. after a while you are regretful and doubtful about breaking up with them. in and out. fawn and flee. sober. drunk. 😢
It is a affectionate changing between missing and being convinced that it was the only and best solution. But yes, I would say, it takes around six months before being ready to really move on. I think it also depends on the significant other. I have an DA-Ex that dumped me and we basically play the game of who is sticking to no contact for longer. It is also interesting how FA react to the Ex having a rebound relationship. I have the impression that it changed the situation for me at least. Cause it triggers the feeling of not being good enough.
My FA goes to church with me. I see him 3 times a week. He and I have had 3 one week dating events and then he kicks me to the curb so to speak. I think, everyone says I'm in love with him. When he broke up with me this last time, he continued to flirt with me. I called him up and let him have it, not yelling but asking why he keeps doing this to me. I didn't understand at the time he was a FA. But I do now. So I've started to pull back and have as little contact with him as possible, although it is killing me. He still waves, flirts and even wants me to come talk to him. He tells me he's not in love with me but his actions tell me different. His first 2 wives cheated on him, the 2nd nearly killed him and he has been single for 24 years now. We are seniors.
I have been binge watching every single video on FA's so I can handle this situation differently than I have before but all of them say no contact and that is just impossible since I go to church with him. I wish I new what to do. BC I want this amazing man back in my life for good.
Usually it's what you described but not this time. I've regretted it from the moment I broke things off 😢 but he's so DA and not working nearly enough... At the rate he's going we'll be in our 80's by the time he's secure. Well, he's reading your book now. We'll see what happens but I'm heartbroken. I miss him so much... Just not the negativity & emotional repression & emotional unavailability & emotional maturity. I know they all stem from being avoidant. I'm just saying
I am freaking traumatized from this breakup, I won’t reach out whatever their style attachment i am a human with feelings no one should be treated like that
Agree i am so sorry for what happened to you i dont think that having fearful avoidant is an reason for treating people badly. I think this video is more of an explanation of why it did happen and how it is effective on them.
literally how i feel exactly
he used his trauma against me but gave no NO empathy whatsoever bc he was always the victim even when he was hurting me & i brought it up
She broke up with me last year, originally offered friendship. After the break up, a few weeks went by and she reached out. I set a boundary, said what I needed and gave an estimate on time, telling her I would reach out when I was ready. Some stupid drama happened, that she and her friends started. I reached out after 7 months, she lashed out at me. The lashing continued for the next few months with unfriending, blocking, and booting despite the fact I only sent her 2 messages. Through therapy, I have realised how harmful a lot of her behaviour was for me. I am thriving personally and professionally, I don’t expect to hear from her again, her loss.
Lol it exactly happened to me as well lol his best friend’s wife just blocked me everywhere lolll so childish, they are even older than me each 2 and more than 4 or 5 yrs lolll they are mid 30s…. Lol.. I can bare this game anymore, so I blocked her and him on my social media as well..
why.. there are so many immature people in the earth.
Now I am even regretting my good memories with him and his friends loll
You better walk away
Rejection is god’s presence lolllllll
Bruh FA is toxic as hell lmao
It was too long to reach out mostiky if they were AP leaning
If they reach out you gotta start over cant just jump into setting boundaries or talking about the past.
The more I've dealt with and listened to how FA's operate...the more interacting with them feels like an unworthy use of my time and energy. It sucks, because I know it's not "their fault", but they're a real pain in the ass to deal with. (I'm talking someone who seems deeply FA). Don't waste your time on these people if they're not trying to heal themselves...that's my advice.
@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il Well, again I'll emphasize the "If they're not trying to heal themselves part". That sounds like the case for your partner, and I'm happy to hear it. But when they are still unconsciously stuck in 'FA zone', it's a needless rollercoaster ride. As a man with lots of other options, it's laughably unappealing. I do wish you and yours the best, sounds like a right place right time sort of thing for her. There are plenty of more secure women that are also passionate and beautiful.
And their behavior touches something very sore in myself that I'd rather not look at.
Comments like these are really sad and unhelpful, although I totally understand people feeling completely burnt by someone or that they went through something either very draining or even traumatizing with someone, and I know for me even this was my first response to the aftermath of my relationship with a DA. (I think I said something along the lines of, they should come with a warning label when even introducing themselves in potential relationship arenas. Which is not right.) I understand why I might have felt that way, but it's not a fair or accurate thing to say of anyone really. And DA's are in retrospect some of the wisest most amazing people to experience and learn from and know. Wherever they are at in their process. So I get it but, I feel qualified to say after feeling essentially destroyed - and I don't just mean emotionally but, many aspects of my life were impacted by that person, and I STILL don't agree with comments like this. It actually helped me to look into my own things more, once I paused and saw more than one perspective.
I don't really like to even reference things like 'healing' or 'change' because I think that insinuates a brokenness in people that they need to address before being worthy of love or a healthy relationship. I think a better way to look at it - and this applies to ALL of us, even as evidenced by some of these types of comments, is that AWARENESS in general in life, of ourselves, and compassion for ourselves and other people, and our differences, is an invaluable tool to build on. And honestly, I don't think there really is a truly 'secure' category of really anyone, there's just a spectrum, and we are all constantly learning, growing and evolving emotionally as humans, just from our life experiences and wisdom. Some are more apt to being open to and curious about this process and taking it a step further by understanding attachment theory and personal development is fantastic, but we are ALL humans trying to figure out life as we go. And none of us are doing that perfectly.
Lastly, with all of that said, I am an FA myself, with a past history of emotional and physical abuse, and a great deal of trauma surrounding that which I was not fully aware of until I actually met a DA who activated a side of my relationship approach that I had previously not encountered. And this prompted me to look more deeply at myself, and past relationships also. I have had several long term, healthy and functional relationships, and remain on good terms with mostly everyone I have ever dated or been close friends with. However looking back now I can see so many things that I didn't before, and I can understand my own handicaps and difficulties- but I was certainly not a terrible person or partner.
And in doing the work actually, as I did essentially by accident after encountering a DA, some of the ways he treated me and our relationship, and my responses and interactions with that, which not only fed into this dynamic (since no relationship experience is due to one person on either end, there's just varying levels of awareness one or both are able to access regarding their own participation.) So this prompted me to look more at myself. That alone is indicative of an FA's curiosity, compassion and response to something versus people who just write off entire relationships because of the other person. Or a 'type'.
Anyway in doing that work, and even before that, FA's are (IMO) some of THE most valuable friends and partners as far as being extremely aware, compassionate, willing to learn and grow, patient with themselves and others, generous, passionate, strong, creative, attentive, fun, massively loving, endlessly loyal and yes even extremely consistent and reliable beings that are just a blessing to this world. When they encounter potential partners who exhibit patience, curiosity for their experiences and potential weaknesses, a willingness to learn more about them without diminishing them, be open and supportive, showing trustworthy and emotionally reliable behavior themselves also (versus someone who just sees someone as needing to 'grow' while not examining their own contribution to the dynamic) they can and will build that consistency, and flourish in the right environments.
Coming from any background of trauma that we FA's are usually arriving from, it is sometimes hard to even get up each day, want to be here, believe we are worthy of anything really, keep living and functioning sometimes when feeling our worst. Let alone to be able to work through issues, and show up in the ways that we do (even when we haven't fully worked through our issues, and it is a life long process for literally everyone as a human to do so) - it is a remarkable feat that unless you have walked in our shoes, another could not understand.
Does that give someone a pass to act or treat others however they want? Absolutely not. But for ANY attachment style, and particularly those with histories of sometimes extreme cases of abuse and trauma, even when it is not always fully known or openly discussed with others (Like many FA's) - please do not make blanket statements about 'staying away from' or waste of time etc. As that is not only completely harmful and conveying a lack of awareness or support as a human, aside from even a relationship perspective - it is also completely false, no matter where someone is at in their journey, what attachment style they are, doing the 'work' or even not. No one is a lost cause.
Like Thais herself, FA's are truly diamonds to know, if you are lucky enough to meet someone who has been through the worst things in life and not only gets back up, but helps pick up and lead others along the way. With the biggest hearts, the most wisdom, attention to detail and healing compassion supported by the rare gift of understanding so many different perspectives, given their own experiences. Please give them the same compassion, regardless of your personal experience or dating preferences, wherever they are at on their journeys. Ideally everywhere, but at the very least by refraining from making global and misguided comments such as this one, especially in a place where people are showing up to listen, and learn.
@@Kinteresting I think it's sad that you find it to be other people's responsibility to tolerate, help fix, and deal with your unhealed trauma. All under the guise of "romantic love". I'm Sorry if that stings, but it's not my job to fix someone else's shit. It doesn't mean you're broken, or anything of the sort. But it does mean you have issues that are affecting how you attach and deal with people over the long term. Is it worth creating extra 'trauma' in my own life, because some woman can't face her own issues? Nope, I'd rather find more secure and conscious women to engage with. I wish you the best in 'healing' or whatever term you want to use.
@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il Agreed sir, and it's all of our own responsibility to eventually figure our issues out...and I commend anyone brave enough to do so.
I have a secure attachment style and cannot understand why anyone would want to reconnect with an avoidant. That was a confusing lesson to learn. Why would I want to take them back let alone try to "help them heal" which really just sounds like trying to change someone?? That's their job, not mine.
Because there are other things about them that you're compatible with, you're also a trauma victim yourself and share similar life experiences and patterns of thinking that you can't find with other people. When you're in survival mode being with someone who had a very relaxed childhood and their bread buttered for them can be frustrating sometimes because it's ie you're aways thinking for them.
I love him :(
As a recovering FA, I focus on recentering myself on my purpose, then direct my energies into becoming a better version of myself after a breakup. Mind, Body, Spirit Growth. The more secure I become, the more I see every challenge as an opportunity. All relationships are such an awesome opportunity to expand self awareness of yourself and how to love others. If a breakup occurs, it's likely due to one or both parties requiring more awareness of their own needs, wants or desires. Learning to communicate and fulfill all parties needs, wants and desires while respecting all parties boundaries. It's a miracle any of us are able to have healthy relationships at all. That said, I am so grateful for PDS. Thais & the PDS team has done the seemingly impossible. PDS has given me hope that healthy love in this lifetime is not only possible but probable. For that beacon of optimism, I am eternally grateful. Cheers ❤🥂
Your vision of what's possible inspires me.
@@jeannined7532 Thank you for your kind words. Cheers 🥂🎉
this is SO on point! ofc breakups hurt & there is a grieving process. but once one gets past that, to see the lessons the breakup offers is worth their weight in gold. then to express gratitude to those nuggets of wisdom which is exactly that -- ppl aren't capable of meeting needs. then it's building a relationship exploring what Are my needs? why do I still choose the ppl I do who can't show up the way I need? what core wounds do I still have to heal? to accept there's no shame in having needs even if you've been told otherwise. to not take things personally & simply accept that's where they're at in their journey but it doesn't suit your personal needs fulfillment. & that you're absolutely allowed to have needs, esp after childhood traumas of the inner child in need of healing. out of so many comment walls of hurt feelings it's refreshing to see someone going thru their own transformation. best of luck to you! cheers!
Lovely to hear!! thank you so much for sharing that Marc ❤
@@fernfractalyou place way too much power in the hands of the hands of the victim. "Why do I chose people who can't meet my needs?" The answer is because usually they lie about who they are and pretend to be able to meet your needs then after they get what they want--sex, attention, a fun time, etc.--the real them shows up and they decide not to meet any needs and just do what they want. There is no way to prepare for it and no way to know if the person is question is lying. So stop acting like we all chose this. A lot of us are lied to.
Good lord. This does not sound easy. Atleast the anxiously attached are consistant but this sounds impossible. The re-intermittent behavior from the fearfull sounds like a recipe for a trauma bond.
Agreeeeee lmao
Im still leaning on the side ofthe attachment styles dsting one nother unless healing is happening. narcissist together. da and narcissist, fa and fa, etc It is best not to get your self tangle in that because you will have to do the work to heal which is sometimes extra time waisted. Pray for them but wouldnt say be with them
I was an AP. My FA traumatised me, hurt me, discarded me and deflected and gaslit me. Never listened to me and created narratives. I have become numb and totally don’t ever want to trust another person. I can cope on my own. I view people as if I am a third party observer now.
I feel I was in the exact same situation 😢
beware of the pattern of becoming what you were hurt by - this is the first step of becoming a fearful avoidant yourself. Once you put a limit on your emotions and start numbing out when feeling something, you slip into being FA yourself
Thank you so much for that realization
I wish I could numb out like that.
My situation is exactly how Thais outlined. We’re in speaking mode now.. I’m just not sure when to try having a commitment discussion.. so last week I initiated a convo while cuddling about my own healing and he first the time opened up about his fears of appearing needy. This was in the context of his male friends who don’t show up for him as he does. It felt like growth. I’m hopeful the momentum keeps going. I’m self regulating when he doesn’t reply back to my text same day and am spacing out reach outs to give him space. But man I miss the daily good morning texts and crave having a clear discussion on if we can work together to come together in a real way. So f’ing hard!
The best way I dealt with this is saying that I dont want any expectations and Im sure you care but Id really appreciate it if you could at least check in with me even if briefly daily. Id not expect they wont be cold every so often but if they truly feel safe it does get better and more consistent overtime.
Well ur giving him benefits of sleeping and cuddling with u, so why would he commit to more
Girl, value yourself more than this. He’s giving breadcrumbs and you’re accepting them as good enough when you aren’t happy with them. You want more from a partner , so why be with him when he’s not giving you what you want ? It’s not “secure” behavior to do this, it’s still very anxious. If you want more and he’s not giving it, you have to move on.
Return the favour and see how he scrambles. What his friends do to him he's doing to you. Men understand the language of actions. You can pull away too.
Accommodate the avoidant and pander to them. You're needs and feelings will not matter. You gain nothing. It makes no sense to even try to have a relationship
I'm an FA leaning anxious. It's been one month now, and my anxiety is through the roof. I want to reach out so badly, but I stop myself.
Every time my anxiety gets really high, I go for a walk or do some exercise, and it gets better. The anxiety comes and goes. I know the relationship wasn't healthy, and I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I feel so much guilt for hurting them as well and i've been ruminating too much to cope (not good).
These videos help me a lot. Thank you for what you do.
Apologize to them not for them but to forgive yourself. They may not respond or they may not even want to talk to you, but YOU will finally have peace. You only suffer in your mind. You got this! 💪🏾💪🏾
@@katie4122whoa I read your comment and I almost thought I had written this myself! my partner left at my worst moment and I feel like they were somehow repulsed by my need for support. I was the “strong one” in the relationship for a long time but illness undermined this identity. my partner was drawn like a magnet to strong free people without illness, and shut down communication completely with me, then backed out of relationship extremely quickly with zero explanation, almost like I had done something terrible to them (I didn’t). I think my weakness made them terrified and disgusted and scared witless with fear of being trapped….
@@katie4122also I’m sure shame, guilt and defensiveness for leaving was huge too. somehow they had to tear me down in their eyes to make up for that guilt. I was just there trying to survive, not even asking for support any longer as I could feel they were incapable of it.
@katie4122 I think he may be on the avoidant side. Fear is not logical.
We need to work on healing our childhood wounds(subconscious).
The chaos that happens within us is overwhelming. (We need a lot of space to cool down our thoughts and feelings. We find peace alone(no problems to deal with)). It is very exhausting. As an FA, I do a lot of flip-flopping.
We don't want to hurt, burden people, or look weak. We crave love so much(and try), but we are so afraid to the point of giving up ("I can't do this"). We feel unworthy, not good enough, and that you deserve better.
I'm guessing you're an anxious style. You may have been pressuring him in some way. (Problems may overwhelm him; he's not good at dealing with it, a burden)
For me, I feel that we can only support you with your problems, not always solving them for you. You may have to teach us how you want our support.(have your own autonomy)
It would be best if he was willing enough to get better (therapy/ self-awareness/ self improve) and communicate.
I learned about attachment theory, so at least I am aware and communicative.
This is just from my perspective as I do swing avoidant, too. He may be similar.Idk your situation.
Check out other videos on fearful avoidant and dismissive. We have similar patterns when we deactivate.
Sounds like a typical FA. Y'all are cowards.
How can you take them back if they've been intimate with other people in the no contact time frame? That stings.
You don’t have to take them back. It is a tough road ahead of you. Morn the loss and move forward. You got this! 💪🏾💪🏾
You don't have to but if you mean that you haven't contacted them then you need to take responsibility for your own actions as well. My ex went no contact with me too, full on ghosted me. If he's not communicating with me then I don't owe him anything and am justified in living my life as I please, being intimate with who I want (he tried breadcrumbing me before he ghosted, telling me he wasn't closing the door but that I should see other people... "not sleep with them but go on dates"... f-that, I'm not his backup plan for other guys to entertain while he's deactivated)
No contact is for you and bettering yourself, you can't control the actions of others. It's up to you to decide what is right for yourself and what you're willing to accept
And when with them.
I have been learning so much for a while on this but just today I realized the reason the FA I am seeing keeps swinging into the anxious side after deactivating is because I ignore him when he is deactivating. I don’t chase him or pressure him. I just let him go so then when he comes back he is super anxious! I’m now secure but lean AP at times. I have dated a couple DAs so when he deactivates it does trigger me a bit that he will leave but because we have been seeing eachother long enough and gone through this cycle enough with him I know he will be back so now I just go on with my life. Not sure how long this will continue because progress is slow with him like this. Time will tell!
I am impressed with how much responsiblity you take for your own life. How much trust you must have in a power that has your highest good always in mind. What a graceful dance of love you are able to partcipate in.
@@jeannined7532 Amen! Without Jesus I am nothing and it is Him who enables me to accomplish more than I ever could with my own power or will. Blessings to you!
Beautiful testimony. Thank you.@@nicoleflusk5434
Im sure Jesus doesnt want you doing things that would allow the healing he does in you to be taken backwards by dealing with same old situations. Its all forward movement in the Kingdom. The time we give to another does count because honestly how much time do you have? Nobody knows, so focusing on Jesus is our only hope, that God will send the right guy/girl and/or heal the other. You found strength in Jesus and so will the guy have to. We arent healers but we can participate through prayer and however the Holyspirit leads.
You described exactly how I behaved in my last break up. Crazy.
Worst mistake of my life. 10 years of it, and she destroyed my soul. Health conditions, multiple discard , abusive. Just discarded me now, and she's onto the next person already.
Damn brother, sorry this happened to you you don't deserve that. I understand this pain, good luck on your healing.
10 years also with me. He is ghosting me since 3 months Kind of.
Crazy painful. Broke up, came back, gone and Said he dienst want to break up, but ghosting stonewalling, nooooooo emotions. I feel drained and aggro meanwhile
@FilizUnal-dh3hh whatever you do don't react negatively. Mine is a narcissist and got me arrested for abuse and opened up a case against me.
@@MatthewDowlingthank you bro! What a hard journey this has been!
@@FilizAntoniowhatever you do don't react negatively! Mine got me arrested for "assault" and has opened up cases against me.
What an absolute nightmare.
As FA leaning more DA now..if I’m the one being dumped..I generally won’t feel anything forever it’s a permanent deactivation..I won’t even have emotions to be repressed..like nothing is in there..I didn’t cry or feel any pain or longing as if “we never happened”…and I’m fine with it..but I was worried if I’m numbing myself or is it actually so over that I can’t remember how it felt?..that level of deactivating is so extreme for me and it’s a no return point I was waiting for my anxious side to kick in but it won’t I’ve been injured badly
This scares the hell out of me. I think my ex is probably the same as you even though there was some pretty major stuff happening at the time, stuff neither of us could control, and I regretted dumping him immediately and have since apologized
If you learn earned security you will empathize with the other side and feelings will return. APs have to face their greatest fears too
this is the perfect example of why not to date unless the person is also a narcissit or another da, or not until your healed so you can date an sa. So when anyone deactivates the other will not feel anything because alot of us do feel it. Blessings and wisdom to us all.
Just wanted to react, because I was recently discarded by an FA. While it has been the most confusing time of my life and the distance he put between us hurt like hell, he was also the sweetest, most helpful and generous person I have ever met. And if I had known he was an FA, I think we would have been great together, as we really connected (which sadly drove him away). But despite getting hurt, I do not regret being with him, because I know that if I ever get in trouble, he will be there for me
Same thing happened to me with my FA ex gf. Best relationship I have ever had. Most caring, most supporting person I've ever met. Then one day I get discarded.
@@bigbadlara5304 Sorry to hear it has also happened to you. It's a terrible experience to go through, and difficult to explain to others why it is so devastating... but with that said, I'm glad I got to know him, and I learned a lot about myself and boundaries. So I guess that's why he came in my life
i had a situationship with a FA before i learned and understood this attachment style. a complete and total pain in the ass with the dismissive side (the pull backs and disappearing for days) and then the anxious side (clinging, asking are you upset with them whenever you dont have time to see or talk to them, among others). i'm a man of options and typically i could care less what a woman does, but this FA was very feminine and nurturing and i lowered my guard a little and developed some feelings for her. if i wasnt a man of options she would have driven me insane. i can definitely understand how men without options who get involed with a FA literally have their hearts and self esteem run through hell.
Tell me about it… just went through this.
Tell us some more about how many options you have
@@jwhite1559😅
Feminine women don't use and discard people. Femininity isn't about wearing makeup, dresses, doing hair everyday or colorful nails. Feminity is about care, cooperation, pleasure, sustenance. People who are nurturing don't hurt you when you've done nothing to them. The main reason why you fe for her nonsense was because of her aesthetic and you like many men associated that aesthetic with a personality type you think comes with it. Also every man has options. You're not extra special because of your income or looks.
@1559 LOL right? Bro, you don't have options if you have to tell internet strangers that you have options 3x in the same paragraph
My FA ex never missed me at all nor did they mourn the relationship. I’d love to see a video on these situations and/or post breakup suppression
A lot of these comments have been hurt by FAs and I completely can empathize with those situations - but as a FA person, I promise you all it is not an easy mind and if they seem like they really are trying to change and address all of the hurt caused, try to support and lead with empathy:)💗
I am an FA. In the past I could never break up with someone and hurt them, so I would just become a total crazy bitch so they hated me and wanted to leave. But then I always tried to get them back. I don’t know why. I could never stay away from anyone, they always had to leave me and go complete NC with me or I would ALWAYS contact them. Always. I just wanted to apologise, or be friends, or see how they were or get back together. Zero boundaries.
30 years and so much inner work and decades of shame I’m further down the line.
I can speak my truth now, hold my own, know my worth and see what I do and dont want. There is still a lot of inner turmoil though.
A non existent (physically and emotionally) father and an abusive, neglectful DA mother really made an impact on my inner child.
The healing journey continues.
Good luck everyone.
You're part of the reason why men nowadays become avoidants. I feel bad for the trauma and psychological damage you did to each of these people.
@@CitiesOfAsh But apparently you don't feel bad for the trauma she went through that made her that way? What a crappy comment, she's working on healing herself so she doesn't cause anyone else trauma
@@creatureofstyle Ahaha i feel bad how you ended up being a white knight simp for a TH-cam comment 😂🤣
As a FA how do I trust anyone, I sabotage my relationships cause I have deep trust issues, I want to become more secure, also I am in a relationship with a DA, and let me tell ya I thought I was bad. This guy is the king of hot and cold, push and pull, I've been on his emotional roller coaster for over a year and I wanna get off...help😢
Start learning how to trust yourself. I would recommend these steps:
1. Write down everything that has happened during your interactions.
2. Seek professional psychological help with the sole intent to not repeat your past behavior patterns as the goal.
3. Set a time limit. Once you have established what is going on in this dynamic, set one time limit and stick to it. Give yourself one month before you end it.
4. Leave. If your boundaries are not being met, walk away and never return. Do no go no contact, go silent and completely goodbye.
5. Grieve. Take this time to mourn the loss and shed tears if you must. Heal yourself.
6. Establish your boundaries. Make sure people know you have them and leave them if you believe that they are dragging you down.
7. Re invent yourself. Take the time to change your behaviors to rid yourself of the people around you. Don’t feel bad they need to go. Even if it’s family, leave them and surround yourself with people who care.
This will be hard but I have faith you will do this. May YAH bless you on your journey.
we have rebuilding trust course in the school... Self trust is key! Also other FA based courses and material to help with trust and reprogrwmming core wounds.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool The videos you have been very helpful. I had an interesting encounter with a FA or DA who made up an entire relationship in her head but it was never true. That’s all I’ll say. I’m secure now, just looking into these videos gives me perspective on how stuck they can be.
That sounds like my situationship with a DA. We triggered each other. So passionate and full of love at the core but I couldn’t trust him. He said my constant accusations pushed him away. It’s been 3 years and I’m really doing my best to back away. We aren’t compatible.
As a victim of an FA, how do I trust anyone?
No reward is needed or wanted..
Just listening 🎶 💥
You absolutely must do one of these videos for dismissive avoidants.
❤
I have no idea how my FA is dealing with the breakup. I wish him well. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I like my space, also. Once a week or once every two weeks was perfectly fine with me. Apparently, his fears got the better of him. He did a slow fade for three years. He finally dumped me for another eight months ago after a mostly good four years together. He wanted to remain friends. Nope! I just let him go without a tear. NC forever for me. I will probably always have love for him, but I don't ever wish to reunite with him. No hard feelings on my part. I do hope he is happy and doing well, however. We have texted briefly: birthdays, holiday greetings. I understand the reasons for the behavior. He will probably not change at this point. We are both senior citizens. I have moved on with my life.
🎶please, go on..🎶
no strings attached..
💥 subwoofer 💥
2 month since the break up and its sucks
I would have preferred the clean break than the constant reeling in I’m dealing with
I’m having hard time with the separation with my wife, it’s only 3 weeks and sometimes I got some cool and hot. My anxiety is my weakness and it make me feels depressed hurting deeply inside my heart, regretting my behavior in the past. She’s my strength 😔 I’m emotionally exhausted of feeling like this.🥺
Mine didn't want to get back with me 3 weeks after I broke up, now suddenly is doing everything he can to win back my trust after I discovered this past weekend he was actually cheating on me online with two girls he knew sincr high school. Girls he gaslit me about the whole relationship and said not to worry about. Narcissistic lovebombing.
Loved the video and the tips as always!
Glad to hear it! ❤
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
Reply
This is me. A guy was moving so fast and very intensely. We’ve been friends since childhood but he was talking about marriage and family. I wanted to run. Very turned off but I communicated it to him and it’s better.
Do you have any insight on why the FA might be talking about marriage and moving in and saying I love you and then shortly after deactivates??? This has happened with the guy I am seeing several times now. I haven’t pushed anything in the relationship other than I don’t like when he deactivates and stops talking to me. I have told him that. I just don’t understand why after deactivating he comes back 1000 mph with all that stuff and freaks himself out 😥 It’s been this cycle a few times now!
@@nicoleflusk5434 oh sorry, I’m the FA.
@@nicoleflusk5434FA here. It’s the feelings minus fears math equation Thais speaks to in other videos.
When I am vulnerable and tell someone I care, then I panic and go into hiding (deactivate), because being vulnerable triggers my fear/core wound of “I will be betrayed”. Once you know I like you, my mind then tells me you now know how to hurt, use, and abuse me. It’s all my core wounds and fears coming up; not what you’ve said or done.
@@Mermaid03_03 I want to hear your thoughts if you want to share 😊
@@lucytownsend1176 thank you for this! He has told me he is afraid I will hurt him. I feel bad because I want to be able to help and I don’t think I can. I know he has to work through it on his own but in the meantime it’s so hard to get emotionally close then have these periods of being cut off. I feel like we have to start over. Sometimes is just several days but sometimes like now it’s weeks before he comes back around.
Can I just speak for every FA out there (and DA and anyone else) and tell everyone in the comments there are NO two people alike and even these predictable unpredictable patterns are not predictable so please please just look after your needs, and do not try to understand what another attachment style is like.
For example, i am not an asshole. Other people are. I have acted like an asshole. I don’t know what the word ‘healed’ and ‘secure’ even truly mean (even though i am now considered those things). Just also please remember some people suck and some people are great. Usually we are all quite a bit of both. Just take care of you and there’s no way to totally understand anyone else. We can all barely endeavor to understand ourselves in a lifetime.
Does Avoidant Attachment style always happen in childhood? Could it be due to combat or divorce?
Great question!
No, it's not always in childhood. Although it is the foundation, attachment evolves with you. As you continue to accrue life experiences in relation to others, it can alter your attachment.
Always childhood
Your attachment strategy won't change due to a one of/few events. Its blueprint is set in early childhood relationships with care givers. However, we continously adapt and mature and can change our strategies according to new events /relationships experienced. In the case of real danger, avoidance is the common strategy, as it is about survival. So it's protective. That doesn't necessarily mean the person will be avoidant in future relationships unless it's sustained, ongoing and therefore adapting to avoidant would be an advantage for the person. Check out Patricia Crittenden's model of attachment the DMM, it's excellent (as are Thais' Videos) 👍🏼
Divorce can definitely cause the type of trauma that can alter a person’s attachment style. So can being in a toxic relationship. Our nervous system is ever changing and it can change for the better if nurtured or it can change for the worse.
Does it not come off as desperate to reach out to an FA just 6 weeks after a break up if they ended it? And if she is on dating apps (according to my friends) then does she even want to hear from me?
Yes, it shows anxiety to contact her 6 weeks after the breakup. The best plan for you AND her is to be No Contact forever. Don’t check on her through social media or mutual friends.
(I am 4 months of NC with an FA ex-. Worked through the pain and grief, worked on myself, then started casual dating. I’m now indifferent about whether she comes back.)
@@russellcameronthomas2116 I’m already with someone else lol I’m also indifferent now. She’s someone else’s problem now.
Did she come back though?@@russellcameronthomas2116
Will they go thru these phases even if they are in a rebound relationship?
This is about my five older siblings
I loled hard :))))
So I’m pregnant and FA/DA ex left almost 8 weeks ago. I have not done any more than 5 days of no contact due to being pregnant with his child and my other kiddos wanting to FaceTime with him because they love him so much so they have been doing that weekly. I have asked to get back together twice and he has said bo that he is happy where he is with his space and time. My kids asked today and he said he left because he and I weren’t working well together as a team. anyway my question is how do I go about this. I do want him back because I want it for our son. he is not healed and is trying to do some shadow work on his own. I want my family together and for our son to not bot have his parents together.
He is so gross and selfish what is wrong with people
@@seemu2927Friendly reminder: Avoid getting pregnant with or starting a family with someone who has an avoidant attachment style (DA), especially if they are unaware of it or unwilling to work on improving their attachment style.
@@seemu2927In the end, you might find yourself alone with children and they continually seek solitude due to their dismissive avoidant attachment style. They may come back again, but the cycle of running away and returning can continue indefinitely
I'm speaking from my own experience, but fortunately, I keep in mind that while I want a family, this person does not seem willing to take on the responsibility of a family running away and returning, making it an unsafe environment for a family to be in
I broke No contact at 6 weeks to return his stuff. Does that mean I might have pushed him back into deactivation? I didn't mention the relationship, kept it light and casual.
He was very curious about my life, work and what I was doing and we only spoke for 30 minutes in person. I'm going back to No contacto though I don't expect him to reach out because he never initiated contact with me in these past 2 months.
Does the period of 6 weeks to 3 months follow this?
Hey , hope you are okay. Did he reached out later ??
Hi Thais, i love your videos. I’ve been following for several months now. Im interested in your courses. Every time I go on your site, I try to click “sign up” and it doest work (wont forward to the next page etc). I do this on my iphone. Is it not compatible for Iphones?
Curious to know (not for taking them back at all, more just learning)
My FA did reach out after a month. saying they missed me and all the normal stuff and if we could go back to before. I declined and wished her well.
2/3 weeks later. she is already with another guy going for weekend retreats and all that fun stuff.
Is that the last time I will generally hear from her as she has found her next poor victim and im free forever. (please say yes)
Or is this a rebound and will just jump to and from still trying to be part of my life...
understand its hard without the whole context, but i feel like all of this stuff is generalised into likely patterns.
The first time I brought me up with him ( he moved 3,000 miles either his “business partner” with no warning and then told me he was never coming back we didn’t talk for 4 months. I reached out to him and we were talking but then I saw his “business partner” post to her social media how glorious “their” new home in the state they moved to was. I confronted him. He said it was all fake and all their social media posts were fake. So I said you are saying you’re an accomplice to lying to promote your business and make more money? The conversation went downhill from there. I feel great! I feel free. I never knew that they had dating You Tube posts while we were living together 😢 He to this day stands firm it was all fake. They don’t have any social media posts together promoting their business , just them having fun together 😂 And there are no You Tube video of him alone promoting “their” business together either just her selling “their” businesses 😂
That’s so confusing. So did he cheat on you? Any update?
I’m sorry for what happened. I hope everything is way better now for you.♥️
all this is assuming they dont rebound or meet someone else relatively quickly
been no contact 8 weeks ( almost 2 months) - she ghosted me and ignored my messages before, so i went no contact. - after the 8 weeks, she started obsessively watching all my whatsapp posts, everytime i posted, she watched inside of an hour, she never did that before. i dont have energy and time for these games. its exhausting, i want to talk like grown up people. . i dont want to give someone else the privilege over my hapiness in life. so because she decided not to answer me for 2 months, i decided to delete her number after she started watching my posts. i want to talk like a mature person - i dont want to stay on pause for that person to grow up and wait forever, because unfortunately, im not a vampire
Is this process delayed if she jimps into a very foolish rebound relationship. Its obvious its hollow and just a band aid. But i believe thia has prevented her from reactivation ?
An FA can stay in and mourn a rebound until they are like 50 so I would just probably do your own thing
I have heard you 21 days to four weeks, no contact with fearful avoidants. Here you say 4 to 6 weeks with them, with emphasis on 6 weeks.It has confused me. Please be more consistent. Have I messed up my chance because I contacted them at 4 weeks?
So my FA gf discarded me over something minor. Only now do I begin to understand what happened.
For two weeks I tried to reconcile platonjcally but she doesn't want to talk at all.
I know on this channel she says the chance the FA will contact you again after multiple weeks is high. But please also think of yourself and your own well being. I don't know details of your breakup. But in my situation it really is simply the best way forward for me to let go of her.
I still find myself caring a Lot of her. But I also realize there are others out there.
And realistically. If you get back together what are the chances she is going to want to improve on the things that went wrong before.
My suspicion is that you really reflected on yourself and want to change. I am in that same situation. But
Please understand that she Has to do the same as well. Otherwise the same thing is going to happen. Please think of yourself as well.
You matter.
I suspect my ex is FA, he refuse to communicate with me but he still put me under his Spotify family plan and from time to time he would remove me for a few days then add me back. Is this a way of indirect reach out? Or he simply want to play mind game?
Lol he is funky
I would say to focus on keeping the Spotify and leaving the ex
I was dating an FA (he doesn’t know about this and I’m just figuring it out) for a month and a half, he had so much trust in me we talked all day every day. We spent weekend together and I didn’t like something he said, I said I had to go for a walk and I’d be right back. When I got back he was gone. He hasn’t opened any of my messages for 12 days, I think he’s embarrassed or shut off his feelings. Should I reach out and apologize and say I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk? Or should I leave him alone?
12 days of not contacting you after disappearing? I think you need to see this red flag loud and clear. It is abandonment and he should apologize to you and even then be very wary of this person and think hard about forgiving him after he explains very clearly where that behaviour comes from. But that kind of abandonment does not sound worthy of your love. Love yourself first.
I’m stuck in this cycle, I’m 9 weeks NC with what I believe is a FA. She’s done indirect hurtful things on socials to get under my skin. Though I’m just unsure when’s the right time to reach out?
Never. Don’t reach out. Stop looking at her social media activities. It just keeps you energetically addicted. If she grows + heals and later contacts you, then treat that as the start of a *potential* new relationship. In the meantime work on yourself and other relationships.
(I am 4 months of No Contact with an FA. Seen each other 3 times at social events but no conversation or interaction. Not clear if she is working on herself or has changed at all. I am indifferent about whether she comes back.)
I may have been the rebound relationship with an FA that wasn’t always an FA until a traumatic relationship. We started talking 3 weeks after that relationship ended but didn’t date until 5 months after (we have known each other for 4 years and find comfort with one another). I brought things on a little too fast and caused her to leave to be alone as she said she isn’t ready, is it possible for us to reconnect. I am doing my own self healing and work to be better with or without her but I’m curious.
It depends what you are looking for.
IMO if I cant get any commitment after 6 months. Im not talking anything too drastic. But somesort of understannding around where we stand, where it is going then for me its a sign to walk away.
I beat myslef up so much for having the ‘being official’ convo becuase that was the downhill spiral of everything. But in reality we spoke everyday for hours for 6 months, we both said we had feelings and wanted it to work, she said she saw a future. I met her family and got close to them (she never met mine), we were sleeping togeher. literallly 99% of things at the start of a relationship.
I was made to feel awful by saying id appreciate it if we were both on the same page with the fact we are not sleeping with anyone else or entertaining anyone else. Aparrently i was rushing her too much and i wasnt being chill anymore and ruining the vibe.
Honestly baffles me.
Should you wish them happy birthday after 3 months of breakup. Have broken no contact 4 times, he responded every time, never initiated contact. I finally wanted to let go and sent his stuff back to him. He didn’t react to it. I am in no contact since 25 days. His birthday is in two weeks, would it be right to wish him? (I do want him back)
FA is so hard to predict. You never know what you need to do to make them happy. I’d just keep no contact. I know it’s hard but you have to accept it, no contact is the only way, even it’s their birthday or any special day. Just treat them as a stranger. Move on with your life and work on yourself, become more attractive. Make them regret! My breakup is just 3 weeks ago, it’s been really hard because I love him so much, but he didn’t love me. I have to let it go and respect myself. The same for you. Your life is more than just him; the person who doesn’t deserve your love
Hey, hope you are okay. Did you reach out to wish birthday? Any update ?
@@musicandart9711 I never reached out again. I have made peace with the thought that it’s over, i still do cry sometimes but it’s ok. You should be proud of yourself! They don’t deserve eternal and intense love, you are handling it well and trust me you will get through this. More power to you🤍✨
@@TheClumsyTinkerbell Heyy, thanks for checking. I did write him a letter 7 days before his birthday about how he had hurt me and how hurtful it is to know that he is been having fun after discarding me. He never responded. I never wished him on his birthday. It’s been 6months of breakup, he never reached out. Honestly i don’t care anymore, I am slowly getting out of the zombie mode, slowly getting back to life and in the process of finding myself. I don’t think he will ever reach out. And I am ok with that❤️🩹
will take back my FA ex if she works on her MANY MANY issues - but if she even kissed somebody else during no contact - 3 weeks will be over on tuesday - i will contact her to get my stuff worth couple thousand euros worth, back or should I not really mention my stuff as it only seems like me wanting my things but not working with her?
Such bs!! Too many hoops to jump through. I tried my very best, patience of a saint. Tonight he said he has other girlfriends. True or not? Idk. But I’m done feeling sorry for him and his issues. He was harsh & unfeeling, like a sociopath.
That doesn't sound like FA. Sounds like plain old narcissism.
@@MadisonEstes possibly but I don’t think so. Probably self protection, justifications, coping mechanism. Doesn’t excuse being so cruel though.
I’m going through a breakup with my fa or da idk which but breakup was okay but we just kept getting into it after arguing not communicating well my ex kept avoiding everything and then I tried to apologize for blowing my exes phone up and I said well can we still stay in some sort of contact and cause it’s not worth it otherwise and she said move on I said I don’t want to burn bridges and she was like well I’m telling you to move on but she still has me on snap sometimes looks at my stories I’m so confused I know there needs to be more information said but does anyone have an opinion or help to see if there’s even a chance also she’s transgender so Idk if that affects anything and we are both 24
Are you saying after 6 weeks of no contact they begin to want to reconnect or 6 weeks after the first 6 weeks of no contact?
My ex is in the first 4 weeks with signs of curiosity viewing my story. Then posting the same day as me
Mine was 4 weeks on the dot she messaged
What does no contact mean? Should I hide my posts/ig from them?
Do not initiate contact but be calmly responsive when they reach out. Play it cool
Some may take it personally if they think youre doing it against them, best I can really say is limit your activity and try not to talk much about whats going on until they reach out but only if youre willing to wait around a month.
@@gatorssbm so less online activity and no real details on what's going on?
@@xsenobe4396 helps to keep a minimum, most usually get curious after awhile especially if you seemed to have moved on without directly saying it
@xsenobe no, think of no contact as just not reaching out to them. don't change your social-media habits, but definitely don't post anything that looks like you're grieving the loss. i highly recommend Craig Kenneth's videos, he's a great help with understanding no contact.
Hi 8 weeks after break up with fa been in regular contact hot and cold she asked to go to lunch even asked to pick her up had a good few hrs kissed couple of times but she was still little distant but has opened up more about whats happening in her life when she never really used to we were in a 3yr relationship
Should i go no contact for her to reach out
Update?
Do my chances of reconnection go down if my fa ex is in a rebound?
Oh my gosh don’t reconnect !
Disagree!! Communication doesn’t work. They get nasty.
What a load of garbage 🗑️
I can see you try but you can't help it, even the subtitles don't understand you
not been aaround for a minute, because you said you were gonna release a big special video interview with your guy, and talking about your struggles throuigh power struggle etc.
but man, Thais you looking so good! so au naturelle, loving this look lovely!!
the channel;#s levelling up up UP gurrl! good efforts!
This is so, so cringe - dude, there's still time to delete this.
What if my FA reached out to me immediately 1 week of no contact. And still does here and there now its been a month