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Thank you for saying that if you do these four (4) things in a relationship, and things still aren't working, then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. I was with an avoidant for 4 years, and despite my best efforts, we could never build a shared space together. It's been a couple of months since I went no contact, and sometimes, I think about what I could've done better for them. In reality, I put in a lot of work, and never saw any changes on their end, so I know I did the best I could. It was validating to hear your insight on this, so thank you again & happy new year!
Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your story. It sounds like you did everything you could, and your self-awareness is a great strength. Wishing you continued healing in the New Year.
As a secure man, doing all of this for an avoidant when you are already giving everything as a secure person it will drain you, you get nothing in return
nah avoidants are healthy, you're just not making them feel safe enough, or too safe, or the perfect amount of safe, its just not it - the gaslighters in these comments told me so.
Doing the things Thais lists is just being a decent human being. So you are saying it's okay in your relationships to nitpick, to make demands agressively, to betray trust, to ignore their likes and dislikes, to neg your partner. Good to know.
@@gregvanpaassen by nature avoidants are suspicious. Whether you nice they guarded deep down they question why you are being nice. Whether you nice or aggressive it doesn't matter. Following these steps ONLY allows them to enjoy you for a while but never think you are IN. YOU just waste your time pleasing them and they have no care to please you it's about them. Unless you want to be in a one sided relationship go ahead stay. I followed this tips for 5 years, they only help you maintain but there's no groundbreaking. One mistake you make the whole relationship collapses and you are back to step one cos when they shut down they take you back to stage one HAVING TO PROVE YOURSELF that you can be trusted again and the whole cycle starts. It's exhausting and I'm DONE
I love your channel, your calm energy, empathy and I value your perspective ❤ Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing it with the world! As a psychologist myself, you really inspire me! 🥰
That first point you made is key for me. I keep having to relearn this again and again but putting it in a way i can understand helps me tremendously. Thanks, genuinely appreciate your wisdom ❤
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant then why dont they just be normal. life is challenging on its own andd love should bring peace of mind with all due respect to everyone.
That's because avoidance is a survival strategy they adopted over the course of years. She even says at about 6:20 that you'll usually see the needle move "in a couple of weeks." Healing isn't linear, and it's not instantaneous. If you don't have the patience to help someone deal with their mental health and emotional connection issues, maybe they're not the right partner for you. But you're here trying to learn how to help an avoidant come out of their shell, so you're at least making an effort, which is to be applauded.
@jamesgilbert124 If 5 years is not patient enough then I'm not patient and I accept the the crown gracefully. You need to understand that you are only maintaining a one sided relationship by doing what she is suggesting. avoidant need to realise that they need help or have a problem. If you love delusion keep dating them. I suggest you listen to ex avoidants to truly understand them and sadly they advise that we LEAVE them. You can't help anyone who doesn't want help. Good luck being a saviour
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant they aren't for ANYONE period unless you as sick as them too cos I don't understand who will ever want to be a slaving caterer to an avoidant master 😂
@@faithing88 what are you talking about? Just be normal, hold your boundaries and have some confidence. If you're not capable of having a relationship with someone that you can't talk to about things so you're on the same page then leave the relationship and find someone who wants to work with you. But first, heal your own attachment. Usually avoidants are in relationships with someone with an insecure attachment as well which makes sense if you're not holding your own boundaries.
I really appreciate this video and I agree with you that we should treat people with empathy. Nonetheless, I realize that as an INTJ, highly sensitive person and feminist, I would not be able to be in a relationship with an avoidant man again. It is soo draining, I can't do this anymore and I'm thankful that your video helped me to recognize that 🙏
Thank you for your honesty and self-reflection. It’s important to prioritize relationships that align with your energy and values. Wishing you the best on your journey 💜
So basically you're outlining four ways we can show avoidants that we care about their feelings. But they don't care about our feelings. We've already shown them that we care about their feelings and they rejected us. So why bother going the extra mile just to get more rejection?
100% if I continuously tell him that I hate being left on read and he keeps doing it, why am I going to keep saying it?? We are adults, if you show effort, I show effort. Lately these videos just sound like tip toeing around a person unwilling to care about anyone but themselves and still expect to have you in their lives. Everyone has trust issues, have been hurt, but if we all want connection we have to give, and communicate effectively. Period.
I would like to humbly point out that the avoidant does care about our feelings- they're just so fundamentally fucked up from their childhood that they don't understand how to process their feelings let alone express them. I have found in my experience (being married to an dismissive avoidant) that she feels many of the same feelings that I do about our relationship but expressing those feelings sends signals to shut down. Here's the bottom line in my opinion- do you love your dismissive avoidant? In any capacity? Give them some grace to grow... you may come across some people who just refuse to grow emotionally but the ones worth putting in some time and energy- need room to grow and maybe some understanding of where they came from. If you love them, show them the way
@matthewrenko7586 I have been with them for 5 years, I love the man. He disappeared on me during Christmas AGAIN I'm alone and it's new year, I don't know what I did, he didn't say, he's been quiet since I last spoke to him 15 December. He does this and works during holidays
@matthewrenko7586, I agree with you. But what should someone do if their avoidant is completely stonewalling them? My avoidant ex abruptly called off our engaged a month before, we still live together, and he refuses to speak or try and work anything out. Prior to this, we had an incredible relationship (the best ever, according to him).
I have no problems getting them to open up. But I’m sick of losing friendships after heavily investing in them for 2 years and getting ditched for no good reason other than the avoidant got the itch. So I’ll pass on this advice and save my people skills and energy for people seeking healthy attachments🍹
a period of a couple weeks did I do harm (in a compounding/exponential way) by being patient for 6 months (doing these things over and over) contributing to her false sense of belief (all beliefs are false, actually! potential realities are what to be open to/desire) that she could be in a relationship (whether the capacity is not there at all, or she simply wasn't ready for one), when I was sensing from very early that she might not have the emotional depth and ability to express and work on an emotional level that I desire in a relationship (I'm demi-seexual), but because of other things, had a selfish desire to both 1.) help her heal because 2.) she appreciated me in ways I never felt appreciated before (but how deep could that appreciation actually go for her who was emotionally underdeveloped?), and 'if only she did the work to heal' I (perhaps a false belief too) saw potential for lots of healing and growth together navigating caring is so hard
wounded healer in me, knowing I want someone who is able to express their thoughts and feelings openly, communicate in the raw but in healthy ways even if not perfect and not always healthy and work on ourselves in a mutually encouraging caring way, but still, attaching to others (I've been through relationships with manic bi-polar and other issue people, sociopathics, fearful avoidants...) and I keep knowing better intuitively and then watching my shadow go on anyway it's been a lot of healing and growth and learning - abstract understanding of these things vs. experiential understanding from a close caring way (we're all connectedf and part of each other!! everyone!) IS different because of the energy involvement (and then potential transmutation of such through the healing?)
Hmm... So in essence they need to feel safe. I can see this for all attachment styles, but yeah the avoidant needs to feel especially safe. Great breakdown!
If you get bored, scroll up to the comments on *faithing88" 😂 on this video. She called me demonic because I accept avoidants as they are and not try to change them. Very interesting thread. Lol
I honestly couldn't even finish this video.... friendly advice yall look up something called "covert narcissism" ...and understand alot of them work together to hurt you.
@ DAs have the same needs as all humans, food, water shelter. Everything else is wants. What we want is people to understand that and not try to manipulate us and others by claiming they “need” things from us and projecting that manipulation on us and expecting us to “need” them back. In other words we feel the word need has been weaponized to force and manipulate us to give others what they WANT.
It’s actually not all wrong. Especially if you as the avoidant are working on becoming more secure. If you honestly expect someone to cater to all of your needs without ever being willing to work on yourself well….so for those of us who are and we see a response like yours then it’s just a sign that you’ll stay stuck right where you are. Sad really
Take advantage of our Boxing Week Sale! Get personalized courses on relationships with avoidants, live webinars & Q&As, and more for FREE for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?F8ti1yEhsI&el=youtube
1. Show acceptance
2.Show Positive Reinforcement
3.Show support, acts of service, checking in
4. Show empathy, attune to their feelings
Thank you for outlining the key points! These are important tools for fostering healthy connections.
Thank you for saying that if you do these four (4) things in a relationship, and things still aren't working, then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. I was with an avoidant for 4 years, and despite my best efforts, we could never build a shared space together. It's been a couple of months since I went no contact, and sometimes, I think about what I could've done better for them. In reality, I put in a lot of work, and never saw any changes on their end, so I know I did the best I could. It was validating to hear your insight on this, so thank you again & happy new year!
Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your story. It sounds like you did everything you could, and your self-awareness is a great strength. Wishing you continued healing in the New Year.
As a secure man, doing all of this for an avoidant when you are already giving everything as a secure person it will drain you, you get nothing in return
nah avoidants are healthy, you're just not making them feel safe enough, or too safe, or the perfect amount of safe, its just not it - the gaslighters in these comments told me so.
Precisely, I'm drained, it's been 5 years on a treadmill going nowhere 😢
Doing the things Thais lists is just being a decent human being. So you are saying it's okay in your relationships to nitpick, to make demands agressively, to betray trust, to ignore their likes and dislikes, to neg your partner. Good to know.
@@gregvanpaassen by nature avoidants are suspicious. Whether you nice they guarded deep down they question why you are being nice. Whether you nice or aggressive it doesn't matter. Following these steps ONLY allows them to enjoy you for a while but never think you are IN. YOU just waste your time pleasing them and they have no care to please you it's about them. Unless you want to be in a one sided relationship go ahead stay. I followed this tips for 5 years, they only help you maintain but there's no groundbreaking. One mistake you make the whole relationship collapses and you are back to step one cos when they shut down they take you back to stage one HAVING TO PROVE YOURSELF that you can be trusted again and the whole cycle starts.
It's exhausting and I'm DONE
@@gregvanpaassen gaslighting 101
I love your channel, your
calm energy, empathy and I value your perspective ❤ Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing it with the world! As a psychologist myself, you really inspire me! 🥰
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your perspective as a psychologist. It’s wonderful to hear this resonates with you!
That first point you made is key for me. I keep having to relearn this again and again but putting it in a way i can understand helps me tremendously. Thanks, genuinely appreciate your wisdom ❤
If they gave something back … we would have some idea that we were appreciated.
I find myself better off and more fulfilled by being alone.
We should care about their feelings. But they don't care about our feelings. What kind of relationship is this...
It's a one way relationship. They should just stay single.
Avoidants wouldn't get into a relationship with someone they didn't care about.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant then why dont they just be normal. life is challenging on its own andd love should bring peace of mind with all due respect to everyone.
@@adelamin7297 because some of our trauma is so severe that we may never be normal. Try not to take it personal.
That’s a valid concern. Healthy relationships involve both people feeling seen and valued in return.
Nobody needs to do all this to feel loved just leave an avoidant because they will never get better until they get help
They feel safe for an hour and the next day they suspicious the cycle never ends
That's because avoidance is a survival strategy they adopted over the course of years. She even says at about 6:20 that you'll usually see the needle move "in a couple of weeks." Healing isn't linear, and it's not instantaneous.
If you don't have the patience to help someone deal with their mental health and emotional connection issues, maybe they're not the right partner for you. But you're here trying to learn how to help an avoidant come out of their shell, so you're at least making an effort, which is to be applauded.
@jamesgilbert124 If 5 years is not patient enough then I'm not patient and I accept the the crown gracefully.
You need to understand that you are only maintaining a one sided relationship by doing what she is suggesting. avoidant need to realise that they need help or have a problem. If you love delusion keep dating them. I suggest you listen to ex avoidants to truly understand them and sadly they advise that we LEAVE them. You can't help anyone who doesn't want help. Good luck being a saviour
@@faithing88 avoidants aren't for everyone. Best to have a relationship with someone you're emotionally compatible with.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant they aren't for ANYONE period unless you as sick as them too cos I don't understand who will ever want to be a slaving caterer to an avoidant master 😂
@@faithing88 what are you talking about? Just be normal, hold your boundaries and have some confidence. If you're not capable of having a relationship with someone that you can't talk to about things so you're on the same page then leave the relationship and find someone who wants to work with you. But first, heal your own attachment. Usually avoidants are in relationships with someone with an insecure attachment as well which makes sense if you're not holding your own boundaries.
I really appreciate this video and I agree with you that we should treat people with empathy. Nonetheless, I realize that as an INTJ, highly sensitive person and feminist, I would not be able to be in a relationship with an avoidant man again. It is soo draining, I can't do this anymore and I'm thankful that your video helped me to recognize that 🙏
Thank you for your honesty and self-reflection. It’s important to prioritize relationships that align with your energy and values. Wishing you the best on your journey 💜
So basically you're outlining four ways we can show avoidants that we care about their feelings. But they don't care about our feelings. We've already shown them that we care about their feelings and they rejected us. So why bother going the extra mile just to get more rejection?
Exactly! For 5 years I tried these tips and I'm ghosted again 😂😂😂
100% if I continuously tell him that I hate being left on read and he keeps doing it, why am I going to keep saying it?? We are adults, if you show effort, I show effort. Lately these videos just sound like tip toeing around a person unwilling to care about anyone but themselves and still expect to have you in their lives. Everyone has trust issues, have been hurt, but if we all want connection we have to give, and communicate effectively. Period.
I would like to humbly point out that the avoidant does care about our feelings- they're just so fundamentally fucked up from their childhood that they don't understand how to process their feelings let alone express them. I have found in my experience (being married to an dismissive avoidant) that she feels many of the same feelings that I do about our relationship but expressing those feelings sends signals to shut down. Here's the bottom line in my opinion- do you love your dismissive avoidant? In any capacity? Give them some grace to grow... you may come across some people who just refuse to grow emotionally but the ones worth putting in some time and energy- need room to grow and maybe some understanding of where they came from. If you love them, show them the way
@matthewrenko7586 I have been with them for 5 years, I love the man. He disappeared on me during Christmas AGAIN I'm alone and it's new year, I don't know what I did, he didn't say, he's been quiet since I last spoke to him 15 December. He does this and works during holidays
@matthewrenko7586, I agree with you. But what should someone do if their avoidant is completely stonewalling them? My avoidant ex abruptly called off our engaged a month before, we still live together, and he refuses to speak or try and work anything out. Prior to this, we had an incredible relationship (the best ever, according to him).
This has been so helpful to me. Thank you and a happy New Year!
I have no problems getting them to open up. But I’m sick of losing friendships after heavily investing in them for 2 years and getting ditched for no good reason other than the avoidant got the itch. So I’ll pass on this advice and save my people skills and energy for people seeking healthy attachments🍹
Weird videos to watch if you're not interested in using the tools she gives.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Protecting your energy and prioritizing relationships that align with your values is an important step.
With avoidants goal posts are foreve moved
It can feel exhausting when the cycle seems never-ending. Taking time to reflect on what you need can be a helpful next step.
a period of a couple weeks
did I do harm (in a compounding/exponential way) by being patient for 6 months (doing these things over and over) contributing to her false sense of belief (all beliefs are false, actually! potential realities are what to be open to/desire) that she could be in a relationship (whether the capacity is not there at all, or she simply wasn't ready for one), when I was sensing from very early that she might not have the emotional depth and ability to express and work on an emotional level that I desire in a relationship (I'm demi-seexual), but because of other things, had a selfish desire to both 1.) help her heal because 2.) she appreciated me in ways I never felt appreciated before (but how deep could that appreciation actually go for her who was emotionally underdeveloped?), and 'if only she did the work to heal' I (perhaps a false belief too) saw potential for lots of healing and growth together
navigating caring is so hard
wounded healer in me, knowing I want someone who is able to express their thoughts and feelings openly, communicate in the raw but in healthy ways even if not perfect and not always healthy and work on ourselves in a mutually encouraging caring way, but still, attaching to others (I've been through relationships with manic bi-polar and other issue people, sociopathics, fearful avoidants...)
and I keep knowing better intuitively and then watching my shadow go on anyway
it's been a lot of healing and growth and learning - abstract understanding of these things vs. experiential understanding from a close caring way (we're all connectedf and part of each other!! everyone!) IS different because of the energy involvement (and then potential transmutation of such through the healing?)
Hmm... So in essence they need to feel safe. I can see this for all attachment styles, but yeah the avoidant needs to feel especially safe. Great breakdown!
If you get bored, scroll up to the comments on *faithing88" 😂 on this video.
She called me demonic because I accept avoidants as they are and not try to change them. Very interesting thread. Lol
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantget ready for another cycle of suspected butt-hurt APs in the comments for 2025. 😂
@@sifublack192 yay!! 🥂🎊
Does this apply to FA with DA lean ?
Im trting to do the acts of kindness but all gets rejected or he is annoyed and says that he doesn't want it/need it/ or he can handle it on his own
Done all of these things but still the same. She may be something more? I am so drained.
The avoidants need to be the ones to do these things. Nit picking? Lol that's the avoidants calling card yet it makes them shut down?
These things are just basic human decency. How far we have fallen.
I honestly couldn't even finish this video.... friendly advice yall look up something called "covert narcissism" ...and understand alot of them work together to hurt you.
This is all completely wrong. As a DA I will warn you all if you do this to us we will leave within the hour.
As a DA, what do you need?
@ DAs have the same needs as all humans, food, water shelter. Everything else is wants. What we want is people to understand that and not try to manipulate us and others by claiming they “need” things from us and projecting that manipulation on us and expecting us to “need” them back.
In other words we feel the word need has been weaponized to force and manipulate us to give others what they WANT.
Good 👍 if your already have a negative beginning then you should expect a negative ending
It’s actually not all wrong. Especially if you as the avoidant are working on becoming more secure. If you honestly expect someone to cater to all of your needs without ever being willing to work on yourself well….so for those of us who are and we see a response like yours then it’s just a sign that you’ll stay stuck right where you are. Sad really
@@KristanWare-b7j he didn't say any of that.