Signs a Fearful Avoidant Misses You After a Breakup
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In this video I’m going to talk about 4 Signs a Fearful Avoidant Misses You after a breakup. Enjoy!
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Being an anxious attachment with a FA is by far the most heartbreaking situation I’ve ever been in in my entire life. Push pull push pull. Absolutely wonderful to absolutely horrendous. And it will drive an AA literally in crazy panic mode. The best thing to do is walk away unless they actually do work.
One thing I learned as an AA being with an FA is that a lot of times, they did not have their emotions seen or reflected back to them growing up, so it is comforting to them when their own inner turmoil is reflected back to them through their partner. It can make them feel like they are being understood, and I don’t doubt (subconsciously) they push and pull their partners trying to get them to show that they understand the pain they are going through themself
Please leave them until they do a huge work on themselves. It is not worth it.
This sounds like a mirror image of what I just went through...wow
a rollercoaster of hell ! i have ptsd - i thought he was secured at the beginning how constant he was ! nah was his anxious part lol
That’s why I’m doing the work I would hate to put someone through that and it’s hell being the FA too
Your work on fearful avoidants is really helpful.
I think this explains one of my exes. Sadly, I think the Fearful Avoidant can be really unintentionally hurtful. Things had been going great. She'd asked me to meet her parents, initiated kisses good-night, asked me if we could go on picnics in the park. I was smitten.
Then after 3 months, just 2 weeks after meeting her folks, she dumps me. Says we're not suited for romance and just "better as friends." As I'm sitting there just barely processing what she's suddenly come out and said, she forces a weird fake laugh and says "Aw well we had fun!"
We had fun? 10 minutes ago I was thinking about this cool, fun lovely person who's been indicating they want something long term, and now you're trying to get me to just go along and say "aw shucks, you're right. Fun while it lasted?!"
I gave her time and space to explain herself that day but she the then made small talk for the rest of this break-up encounter and I basically sit there feeling baffled, hurt and annoyed. She cheerfully mentions she's going to meet her bestie later to watch fireworks. (Seriously?) I say "well, I should let you go then." As I'm basically out the door, she suddenly looks crestfallen and says "I'm sorry..." I have no idea what to do so I just turn to her, shrug, and say "Don't be."
I feel that I didn't voice my truth to her and I decide to text her the next day to say "Hey. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I admit I'm sad, but I'm glad you told me how you were feeling. You're a great person and I wish you well."
She texts me back to say "Oh thank you so much, you're great too, and I want to stay friends!"
I don't hear from her for a month and a half after that. Then out of the blue she texts me, super super cheerful (basically inappropriately cheerful, seeing as our last encounter was miserable.) telling me she's made plans with some mutual friends of ours, and that they're all going out tomorrow night and asks me if I'd like to come. This makes me feel really cheap and like a total after-thought. I knew the other people she had invited. We had all been in the same class and friend group. And she basically makes plans with all of them, sets a day, time, place, activity, etc. And then, she just casually texts me last to basically say, in not so many words: "so hey, we're all hanging out. You can come along if you want."
It was this moment that made me basically not want to spend any more time with her. it felt like she wasn't remotely asking because she valued my company, but just because she didn't want to feel guilty, or wanted our mutual friends to see us hanging out so she could push everyone (herself included) to believe nothing was wrong and we were still on great terms. I gave her a polite excuse not to come and then tried to just move on.
Except, she kept pestering me. Liking my social media posts, wishing me happy birthday, and even making public posts and tagging me in them asking when we all (the friend group) might get together. I even encounter her in person at a volunteer event. At this point I basically have nothing to say to her so I nod at her awkwardly. But she steam-rolls ahead with some fake cheeriness: "Oh how are you! You getting some free time lately? Wonderful weather!" It's so awkward and weird I want to pull my hair out. I think I basically mumble or grunt some half baked answers back at her and that's it. Lol.
Eventually I forgive her and come to terms with the fact that she's just another imperfect person (like all of us) trying to make the best out of an awkward and painful situation. We eventually become "friendly" if not necessarily friends, but I'm able to communicate with her and I do my best to show her respect and compassion and honour the fact that there must be something we admire about each other. And later on, I learned she had been struggling with a variety of mental health issues, and I do come to realize I only had a few pieces of the puzzle. I was dealing with getting dumped. She was dealing with a lot more.
Listening to this series you have on Fearful Avoidants helps because it gives me greater sympathy for her, and helps me remember I wasn't disposable. She just couldn't maintain a relationship with me and so set me free. Now, I don't have any evidence she really is a Fearful Avoidant and to be honest only she would have a right to identify herself as that. But still, her erratic behavior makes more sense to me now. And I feel more peace and compassion instead of hurt and resentment.
Thank you.
yes move on. I had a boyfriend who was like this. and for the longest time I actually hated him. it wasn't to recently I realized he is just wired this way and I began to not take ot personally. he was volitile and cruel and emotionally abusive. sadly enough I do realize that it's aome.type of coping mechanism. I actually never want to see him again or speak. it's only been 2 weeks since no contact, but he broke up with me 2 months ago. I cried so much because of the pain I endured, what's worse,is knowing he will never understand the depth of his actions. he now is with someone else, and still has said he loved and wanted to be with me. it took time but I finally broke the cycle, wished him well and cut off contact. I don't want anything to do with him anymore, and am hopeful that I will get over this by the end of summer. do yourself a favor and cut them off. they don't care anyway, coddling them and always understanding does not help them. they need to leave us alone. date each other. as of now I have sympathy, but also believe as an adult you should know right from wrong.
You sound really secure
@Fue Chee personally I think it is better to move on and find better more secure people than to waste time on avoidants. If I wanted drama, I can turn on HBO.
"And she basically makes plans with all of them, sets a day, time, place, activity, etc." This sounds to me like this was an show she orchestrated just for you, but you did not participate.
Man thanks for sharing so much! I’ve been definitely going through something similar with someone. I’ve been doing my best not to take her behavior so personally, but I admit it’s difficult at times! It’s nice to hear stories about other people’s experiences. It helps to know I’m not the only one
You know what’s funny.. my ex and I are both fearful avoidants and I’ll watch certain videos to get insight on his behavior so watching this I’m like yes he totally does this... then I realize.. damn I do the exact same thing too 😂😂😭😭🤦🏽♀️
Yup! lol me toooooo
I in love with an FA and also an FA. Lol what are the chances
Lol 😂
Same. I'm a FA that leans heavily AP
Me too 😅
Thank you!
0:57 starts
2:15 FA can cancel their feelings Bc their triggers can be so strong
7:00
- when they reach out to you
- when they’re willing to work on their wounds (abandonment, etc)
- removing the thoughts of abandonment, etc
- when they learn to be conscious of their deactivating & patterns
So acurate. Last week I was very anxious and I missed my ex, I texted him and when he didn't responded in a few hours my thoughts were "this is it, I'm never reaching out again, I didn't even wanted him anyway, he is too much" etc. Etc.... On spot
The last time I heard from my FA ex was over two years ago when I sent her a funny text to try and rekindle things, she called me up yelling at me, telling me never to contact her again and that she was blocking me. I told her calmly, reach out in the future if you change your mind. She hung up. Well, two years later, last night, she prank called me using her number, but it was a friend of hers pretending to be a different girl with a different name, not the name of my ex. Saying how I ghosted her and should call her back. I could hear my ex laughing in the background in the message. My plans are to ignore it, even though I'd love to see her again. I'm just not sure if the prank means she wants me to respond, like her way of reaching out, or she's plain old just messing with me. I'm not sure what the right thing is to do
@@steel128I am sorry man , that is horrible , I can't imagine the confusion , and changing thoughts and emotions u must have around that.... Sometimes it just seems so sick and twisted , even if that's not their intentions or conscious decision at the time.
I still find it spooky how accurately Thais reads my brain. I would love to hear more about activating and deactivating as well.
I will bring this comment back to to Thais and the team! thanks for your comment
-PDS team member
I agree it’s like she knows you personally. I would also love to hear about activating strategies for dismissive avoidant
Great information 👍
Fearful Avoidant here, managed to discover all
about attachment styles & Thais’ channel (and courses, very satisfied and grateful for her work!) after a breakup in the beginning of this very year. It did hurt a lot, but helped my learn and really see/face so many of my FA attachment strategies/fears/tendencies over the year. I know 2020’s been tough but stick out, everybody, I feel like we’re learning and growing so much! Keep the faith, love yourself, be grateful & thankful for all the work and surviving this year! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎
Beautiful wods Iliyan, thank you for sharing :)
-PDS team member
Why even waste your time and energy on someone that needs to fix theirself, before any relationship
because you love them and wish to make them happy :/
Intro ends at 0:57
Thanks she rambles too much 🙄
The activating and deactivating that comes from your partner who is an FA and being and FA yourself is hard to navigate at times because it’s hard to tell when he’s pushing me away if he means it or not because of the hot and cold rollercoaster.
Thais can you please provide some reassurance that FA’s do make mistakes can can hugely regret and feel remorse over decisions they’ve made when they were triggered 😭
For me I had the craziest unraveling of emotions when a friend of mine broke things off with me. We had been on the verge of taking our friendship to the next level and were kind of in the beginning stage of a relationship or whatever comes between dating and a relationship and he suddenly broke it off with no real reason (for me anyways at the time)
And that was the first time in like I think 15 years when I really really felt something It was really weird because I always thought I was so tough and nothing could faze me but boy was I wrong and I had the most damaging thoughts like he didn't think I was attractive, something is wrong with me,I'm not this enough, that enough
And I was so dumbstruck by my thoughts and how damaging they were I mean I'm 30 years old and I never noticed my thought patterns before?? It was such a wake up call and simultaneously I discovered your channel and I just know that was a sign
I still have so much healing to do but your channel is already helping so so much and clarifying so many things for me! Together with meditating and the healing work I'm already doing and everything that is about to come to me I just know that I will heal completely and have a healthy and loving relationship someday soon
So thank you so much for the work you're doing and the effort you put in this channel.Just know that you are helping so many people on such a profound level! You have the greatest purpose! 🙏 much love from Germany
Thank you for sharing that! So happy you founds the channel and you are here with us. Dankeschön!
-PDS team member
I think hearing how FA’s activate and deactivate would be a very helpful video.
I will bring this feedback back to to Thais and the team! thanks for your comment
-PDS team member
There are already a couple of videos on this.
Would love to see more about activating/deactivating and how a partner can help support. My bf definitely self sabotages right when we’re in a healthy stable state and pushes me away but can’t see it’s his pattern would love a video to assist! Thank you for all you do!
Now I'm understanding why my last breakup hurt so much. I'm an FA and he was DA. I was pushing past the oscillating but in typical DA fashion he was withdrawing, which only reinforced my fears. Your video on how to tell if a DA misses you shows that he did after the breakup, but neither of us made an effort to reach out and rekindle things because we were too fearful. It's all for the best anyway. It doesn't matter how much you like each other when you have a dynamic that's volatile and hurtful
Same story here i am a FA and I miss him everyday so so so much it drains all my energy from missing him
@@yehhshhs I might be wrong and we were both FA but he leaned DA. Idk if that changes anything. We reconnected but it didn't end well
Helpful! My fiancé and I broke up (?) recently while both of us were grieving a miscarriage. This and another of your videos gives me hope. The whole sensing rather than communicating is quite relatable. I’m autistic so I’m very much a rules guy so it’s a bit jarring simply on the communication level
My fearful avoidant ex-girlfriend has broken up with me six times. On each occasion she has asked if we could still be friends. When I agreed to maintain a friendship, she romanticized and sexualized all of our conversations. It was so frustrating and painful.
Hoping to get some answers here. I'm AP and was in a long distance relationship with my FA ex, We were together for 4 months, had a pretty good relationship and was broken up with 5 weeks ago because of some minor dissagreements. My ex went away for a trip to Greece for 2 weeks, but the second week went to Paris with their sister which I found out, when they returned I asked my ex why the lie and was then broken up with the next day (so confusing). It's been 5 weeks since the breakup and I've recently reached out and made all the contact after 3 weeks of no contact. We were talking about how things have been (just small talk) and my ex seemed distant and cold. 2 days ago I reached out again and asked if there were still feelings there of which they said there was. I said I felt the same and if there was a chance to work things out, they said it came as a surpise and that they had not considered it and that they would get back to me on what they thought about it.. Almost 24 hours later they txt back saying they wanted to just be in a friendly relationship and not a romanitc relationship and thay they didn't want to cut ties with me completely, and that they cared for me still and that they were always there for me. I'm super confused by it. Does anyone think there's a chance of reconciliation in the future as what we had was pretty good, just don't know why they deactivated when caught out on a silly lie?
I am so sorry and feel for you , it sounds like emotional torture if you're more anxious or even secure.
But my take is , possibly she realized the label or stating it's committed adds a level of fear , and thus her abandonment kicks in ...Maybe she feels removing the label , will remove the fear and allow her to feel more comfortable in a light manner in enjoying one another.
I've oftentimes mulled this over myself ..... because I can easily say being left behind my a romantic partner you love deeply is the hardest thing I've been thru , and it lasts so long , but the on the other hand , I realize my insecure side , my ego , and my desire to feel unique and special to this person , makes me desire loyalty and exclusivity from them....Then you wonder where their motive is coming from , is it simply fear of intimacy and being left? Or is it because they're selfish , and don't wanna feel guilty if they're less than loyal? So they don't have to shutdown other individuals when they pique their interest by telling them they're in a relationship? Because FA's Oftentimes are people pleasing , flippant , and struggle to maintain boundaries with people that don't matter ....While ironically , blocking out the people that do matter sometimes very coldly and strictly.
@@MAXIMUSWE thanks for your response, you detailed this in a way that makes sense. It’s been 43 days no contact and nothing, I’m more confused how this person says that don’t want to cut ties entirely and yet I hear nothing from them. Their behaviour has confused me no end.
@@russellcaten You and me both 🤣🤦
They oftentimes come from households which were very chaotic , abusive , and lacking being modeled a healthy style of communication......But believe me I UNDERSTAND 💯 ....So when it comes to how they act in public , vs privately , or their words privately not matching up with their public " mask" or persona they have to put on to feel comfortable ....We are left perplexed, but I believe as hard as it is to understand , it stems from them never feeling heard , or emotional needs being met consistently as children.....They end up people pleasing to their caretakers to feel accepted , because when they showed heightened vulnerability or sensitivity they were met with anger or neglect.
So these people who we once met who were so open , honest , forthcoming , unique , once they reach a point in the relationship where they're scared to lose you .....or if it's still in the "power struggle" phase ....They get spooked , it's actually the strength of the connection or love that's drives them away , because they enjoy it so much , but they fear if they don't take control , and reject it first , it will inevitably leave like everyone else , or neglect them like their parents ......which trauma from childhood reminds them it made them feel completely powerless.
So she asked to be friends , because they feel they can live up to that label better in a more casual manner , many of these people are only triggered deeply by intimate and romantic relationships ....Which I can relate to. It also allows them to put their protective mask back on , step back from the vulnerability ....and be confident again, because you're no longer so close you can damage them.
I believe that's what their subconscious is telling them anyways.....Either way , losing that love and connection is gonna hurt them....but it simply affords them a little more control over it.
@@MAXIMUSWEMate it’s like you’re in my head I’ve been thinking the exact thing. The ego/need to be unique point was spot on too I haven’t ever addressed that within myself until you mentioned it. Cheers for the comment
😳🫢 so true. The swing from hot to cold is not on purpose. It just happens so fast. the fear wins every time
It’s even better when they speak the deactivating thoughts out loud…so that’s great it’s from core wounds and distancing to feel safe…the effect is still abusive
Thank you Thais. My pattern of black and white, all or nothing thinking was so obvious during your video. It is an emotional roller coaster. One minute I have renewed faith that we can get back together and work on our relationship. And then I swing back the other way, and I'm like he's dead to me, why do I try, never again. It's emotionally draining and leaves me confused half the time. I don't know if I'm coming or going. ;)
Jajajajajajajajajaja SAMEEEE I love the "He's dead to me"
@@Jasyc207 Haha! Give it a couple of days, he'll be the love of your life. It's so hard sometimes. Can hardly wait to start my classes at PDS. I want to find peace within me.
@@user-ww1ow5yi2u Do you have an anxious attachment?
@@user-ww1ow5yi2u Hi Meesh, for me personally when my extreme FA side is activated it's like a vault door shutting. The happy memories are closed off and filed away. I'm just left with the idea that I only have me to keep me safe and will not allow another hurt. My situation is with a DA and I'm at the tail end of a break up so the feelings are more compartmentalized after months of swinging back and forth. I could start off new, as friends but we can go back. This has been going on for years though. Just from my perspective if they are saying they are needing time to think, they are weighing the pain of being together vs. the pain of being alone. Personally, I had a lot of panic attacks from being in a loving relationship. So would look for excuses to be apart. I'd recommend the PDS classes. I'm looking forward to the 6 classes Thais recommends for becoming secure. And it sounds like there are a lot of people and web classes to help. Wishing you all the best.
@@grrlinglasses I'm in the school and it's been the best thing I have ever tried. I've done 1 on 1 therapy for years and multiple administrated drugs and nothing helped like PDS honestly. Even my dearest friends have commented on my changes. It's changed my life for the better, wish I could have started this 20 years ago 😄
It's amazing. They bring about the exact reaction they try to avoid. After four years, I had to walk away forever. I would never have left. I experienced the slow fade, bread crumbling and all distancing methods they use. After being monkey branched and offered "friendship", I had no choice but to leave. it's really sad.
so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this isnt gonna work anymore. she did it while crying and said that she didnt want to move on, if i need her she’s still there for me, she didnt want me to leave but also still think that we should break up. i didnt beg or chased her at all, i respected her decision and go no contact, i blocked her in the first two days. suddenly on the third day she sent me “.” message as if she wants to check if i blocked her or not, but she didnt text me again. after that she add a few song about sad and regret and still love me on the playlist she made me. i don’t know what stage she’s in and what should i do? i still want to be with her, please is there any FA that can give me an advice regarding this?
The matter is he never accepted there’s something wrong with him and getting help,you can’t support someone who doesn’t admits he was wrong
It sounds like borderline personality disorder
This is me, unfortunately, and has cost me at least two relationships, one of which with a person with whom I was completely in love with. I caused her great pain and confusion. I came to an understanding of this on my own though, having the wherewithal to realize something wasn't right and seeing the patterns in my relationships. When I came back to her, she was so kind, but the damage was done. I am grateful though that I was able to apologize and her her offer forgiveness, even though it stung to hear how much hurt i caused her. In reflection I realized that we were both wounded, but at least I discovered that on a much deeper level, I was struggling with trauma and still am. But it least I am aware of it. I have resolved to stay single for now to try and gain healing and insight on why I sabotage relationships with otherwise amazing women. Maybe people like us should just remain single so as to not cause harm which is tough because we are also starving to give and receive love. 😢
Great video and explanation.
Please do the video about activating and deactivating!
I feel like I am in a loop...I initiated the break up, then I felt that it was the right thing, then I missed them, then I wanted to stay friends with them, then when they moved on and could accept friendship I realized that it might be too much for me to handle. I wanna stay friends, but then I also don't...I know this is really confusing for the other person...as it is for me too...Please do a video about the FA after the break up from their point of view, I feel like you understand me...more than I understand myself.
Yes please a video on activating & deactivating for the FA ❤️
I will bring this feedback back to to Thais and the team! thanks for your comment
-PDS team member
Hmm, I think she kinda went off tangent on this video and didn’t really stick to the question so it was a little confusing. Seemed like it was more about the fa’s activating and deactivating than if they miss their ex. Anyone else get a bit confused on this video?
I understood it as, if FAs miss you they will reach out but even though they reached out because they miss you they’ll still be hot and cold if you reply back.
I am confused too. The activating and de-activating part is interesting but... where are the signs?
Sighhhh this is so spot on ! Ughhhh 🤦🏻♀️
What I find difficult to identify is when I am pushing others out from a place of self-worth and believing I deserve better vs due to fears. I find myself swinging every 2 weeks. When I start getting close to people I feel I need to retreat, gain some space because of course at the other end of closeness (in my mind) there’s rejection and abandonment. I stay deactivated a lot because it feels safer. Sometimes I know I need it other times I know it’s fear based. Do I incorporate more time with people - or do I remove the need to have people around....? as you can see I am textbook FA. I can never find the balance between both sides. Sighhhhh Im tired of living in constant fear / sometimes I feel the only way this can stop is to have stability with someone romantically to subside the discomfort of all the noise that constantly exists within me..
Maybe from this share Thais you can pull a few ideas for some other videos. This one was fantastic (but of course triggering for me 😔) ❤️ thank you for all you are doing for us!
So interesting! I’m also FA and for me it seems that the easiest way to not deal with all this volatility - is to not engage in romantic relationships lol, cause for me that’s the place where it all starts. No any signs of that in other relationships. That’s why I was surprised that you mentioned stability in romantic relationship as a way to get comforted))
Heyo Wazzup oh that’s so great that you only have it in romantics. Mine shows up across the board with friendships, family, and in romantics. But if there is stability from one person friendship or romantic I feel safe. If I can be myself and express vulnerably about my fears and have someone accept me and still love me then I feel safe. If I feel criticized, rejected or abandoned , then i shut down and run or push people away. Maybe I have a very strong DA side. When in a romantic relationship with a DA who would also go hot and cold it was horrible. I was triggered he was triggered.
I used a lot of words and emotionally dumped but I wasn’t loud. I’m the silent volatile FA .
How does your volatility show up?
Heyo Wazzup maybe! Like Thais was saying - the romantics calms the fears and the feelings and so then I feel more leveled. Again , that’s all from an external peace and validation which I need to learn to give to myself
@@lizp2512 Interesting to hear your perspective! I’m also never loud. I guess I’m just more DA with friendships and family - not in terms of insecurities, but behavioral patterns. Maybe it has to do with introversion - I just don’t need much contact and communication generally. But in romantic relationships - yeah, that’s the place where anxiety kicks in and push-pull starts once I feel hurt by person's actions (even if it was totally unintentional), heh.
Heyo Wazzup yessss exactly this! So you get anxiousness in relationship and for us FAs it shows as hot and cold - ughh to one day be healed right !
Where or how do you get your connections need met?
To summarize: A fearful avoidant is a head case and a waste of time. They will make you miserable with all their baggage and their flaky behavior and you should have nothing to do with them.
I understand where you are coming from but think how unspeakably cruel and unfair that is. Someone grew up with childhood trauma and developed a coping mechanism to deal with abusive behaviour. They had to in order to get their needs met in that environment. They then grow up and carry around these deep wounds with them that have become subconsciously wired into them. Then, people such as yourself are saying they are a waste of time. Are these people essentially condemned to never experience love - even as adults? Think of how unbelievably sad that is. I understand where you are coming from with this however. The person on the receiving end of this behavior also does not deserve to go through the crazy behaviour that FAs exhibit, so I get that too.
@@thepalantir7321 She approached me and spent 3 months acting like she wanted to be involved with me but gave me noncommittal non-answers when I'd ask her out. Anyone who does that is a POS, trauma notwithstanding. Now she's a 53-year-old single mom with no significant other. She's going to grow old and die alone and that's exactly what she deserves.
@@thepalantir7321what's cruel and unfair is emotionally abusing someone who just wanted to love you, and saw the light in you no one else saw.
You two are assholes. Lots of fearful avoidants have been through extreme trauma.
It's not like they're all consciously/intentionally acting in those ways.
Shows a major lack of emotional intelligence and empathy on your parts.
@@W_T_D Thank you. I commend you for making amends with the people you know.
I've been working on my fearful avoidant attachment and came across your videos last year. They have been so helpful and informative. Thanks Thais!
So what are the signs that the FA Ex misses you? I think this covered everything BUT that.
She said: They may contact you, and say "Hey, how are you", but then they might freak out totallyif they don't get the response they expect and deactivate again.
as an FA leaning avoidant (core wounds abandonment: mother emotionally distant, parents divorced at 6, father died at 14. etc) honestly, I think what we want is someone to push for us to work things out and reassure.. not smother but try to reach out time and again until we accept it and hear you love us and it would take a lot of work, effort and time to ever truly win an FA so only try if u really love them and you know to some degree they loved u.
@@paniq_fnite So basically the other person has to do all the work to get a fearful Avoidant back?
@@paniq_fnite wow spot on.
@@paniq_fnite so it’s like babysitting
Just had this happen to me recently... I was on a roller coaster of massive lows and highs trying to understand WHAT IS GOING ON!! My partner simultaneously began talking to someone else and is now randomly in a relationship with this person. They pushed me away and pulled and I finally am going no contact. Being on this end was miserable.
Any update?
This is so tough…. All I wanted her to do was communicate…. 😕
I know your pain all too well.
Thais, you’re surely the best. I’m so proud of you and your work and the channel, as well... Thank you!
3:30 it's like in Orlando by Virginia Wolf when the clock struck midnight and Orlando decided it was not to be.
My ex and I brokeup 7 weeks ago. It was our second go around. The second time was much stronger and fun. But once again she was pushing me away. 1-2 weeks, she needed space. And it tends to come out of nowhere. I just got tired of it. It sounds like she is a fearful avoidant. It just hurt, and I was mad, that while I am doing all the running around for her, she was essentially self sabotaging our relationship.
Tidbits, she lives next door.
She has reached out once but that was about 10 days after the breakup.
She wanted to remain friends.
She initially took the breakup well but a few hours later, she exploded with anger towards me.
Her anger was also taken out on others.
She still allows me to enjoy activities with her kids.
Her son still resides with me.
She claimed to have some of my things and xmas gifts and was gonna drop them off the next day. Did not show up
She immediately asked if I was still spending Xmas with her and the family (we brokeup a week before). I said no.
She still has a lot of things in my garage. I have not pushed her to come get it
I do regret breaking up with her because we were so close in all regards. And I have told her that.
She continues to ignore me.
Im just doing NC right now. Growing myself. It would be nice if we can work on our communication but it needs to be 50/50 not 70/30.
One day at a time I guess. Not sure what she is thinking or where her head is at. I sometimes see her glancing over at my place.
Did I miss something?? The title is "Signs a Fearful Avoidant Misses You After a Breakup" I didn't hear anything about what this video is supposed to be about...
Thais... you’re legit reading my brain waves and posting!!!?!
Thank you Thais, you’re videos really make me feel seen, and for the first time myself included.
I’m a Fearful Avoidant that’s been doing work lately through Thais’s courses which have been super helpful. To tell you the truth just by understanding that I WAS avoidant in the first place opened my eyes to my subconscious behaviours being MINE and not just things that were happening to me for no reason. Coincidences? I think not!
I had a relationship recently where I really made the effort to dig my heels in and face the tsunami-sized emotional wave of fear I get when I feel close to someone. When you feel exposed and vulnerable and you can’t breathe because of the sheer terror. To the point my partner was the one to leave and not me!
Weirdly enough I was more proud of myself for my own efforts than upset at the “rejection”, “abandonment” or “worthlessness” that I used to feel 😅
Now I don’t find it so scary. I’ve had a lot of past trauma from neglect, and sexual/emotional abuse so it’s a REAL effort to trust people once I let my guard down - but it’s not impossible. You only grow tougher skin by exposing it to the elements, not by building a shell around yourself.
BE BRAVE FELLOW FEARFULS! WE CAN DO THIS! 😊
❤️❤️❤️
so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this isnt gonna work anymore. she did it while crying and said that she didnt want to move on, if i need her she’s still there for me, she didnt want me to leave but also still think that we should break up. i didnt beg or chased her at all, i respected her decision and go no contact, i blocked her in the first two days. suddenly on the third day she sent me “.” message as if she wants to check if i blocked her or not, but she didnt text me again. after that she add a few song about sad and regret and still love me on the playlist she made me. i don’t know what stage she’s in and what should i do? i still want to be with her, please is there any FA that can give me an advice regarding this?
I would really like to know more about activating and deactivating as well. I would like to know how to respond with an FA after coming out of complete and long deactivating. Thanks for your great videos!
Im an FA...if they deactivated its cause they think you didnt like them or care about them. They need reassurance that that isnt true. If they dont know about attachment styles, tell them. Like she said, we are hypervogilant in trying to work through things. As you do, reassure them you dont hate them
Fantastic explanation 👏 I'd really like to know more about activating and deactivating to learn more about my FA patterns if you're planning a future video Thais! 😁👍
I will bring this comment back to to Thais and the team! thanks for your comment
-PDS team member
Woaaahhh iv never been first to comment! Love the content
Thanks for your support Georgina. Happy you enjoy the content :)
-PDS team member
I like the content of your videos. But I oftentimes feel that I am not getting the answer to the question suggested by the title. Maybe a better structure (e.g.. Sign 1: blabla, Sign 2: blabla etc) would help
So just to clarify if FA'S miss their ex they will 1. Be direct and anxious 2. Be hot and cold
Sorry if I'm not understanding it correctly😭
accurate for me as an FA...
So for example they could be quite harsh in their manner saying they want nothing to do with you and then on the other hand trying to make you see how much they care about you? My FA is so confusing to deal with. Sometimes its throwing anything at me to push me away and get me to leave and other times its like they dont want me to leave at all 😞. How can you ever tell which side to listen to
Your second listing is not accurate. I'm not hot & cold, if my directness in your #1 is met with openess & compassion. I only go hot & cold if the other person is NOT receptive of my vulnerability. Then the hot & cold texts will start/ go on, until I get fed up with the other person's cold, emotionless (usually a DA) responses. Then I cut them off, indefinitely!
@@user-ww1ow5yi2u - both can be true at the same time! Listen to both. The intensity is when I'm disregulated and not taking care of myself, usually about not saying something I should be talking about but afraid of what will come out of my mouth!
@@sxylala74 that’s me too, to the tee!
Exactly the behavior i m experiencing with my ex... He keeps giving these mixed signals.. 🥺its tough.
And yes he did have a traumatic childhood.. There has been serious personality changes coz of it...
And thts the reason i as a partner used to make sure to make him feel loved... But he used to say he feels choked up.. When i try alot... And thts why he broke up with me.
Ok, so after all that, what ARE the signs a fearful avoidant misses you after a breakup? I watched this video three times and still didn't catch that part.
- when they reach out to you
- when they’re willing to work on their wounds
- when they learn to be conscious of their deactivating & patterns
Ahahahaha! Self awareness is excruciating 😅
This comment is underrated 😭
A couple weeks ago I texted my FA ex a message basically saying that I don't have any hard feelings and that how learning about attachment styles has been really positive for me and that he should check it out and offering to be friends and get to know each other very slowly. He read it but didn't respond. Btw I'm FA leaning anxious with this particular relationship. Before this we hadn't spoken in over 2 months. He broke up very suddenly and confusing. A few days ago I got a random snapchat no written message picture of his shoes sent at midnight. I was confused. Was it an accident? Then later I realized it was shoes he bought with me during a good period. I never responded because I didn't know what to think and it was vague af. I wonder if he is wanting to reach out
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 well I ended up texting ' hey' a couple days ago. For 24 hours it was basic how you doing, he told me what he's up to..then after leaving me on seen for a couple hours he came out and asked if I'm just trying to make conversation or if there was something I wanted to say. It had an air of gauging my motives. I said that I was just trying to make conversation..because idk if he remembers but I suggested we could just be friends and get to know each other for real. My thinking was that if there's no fear and we could just be ourselves then we could establish trust over time. But he hasn't replied since. That was a day ago. So we'll see..as far as my advice to you is just be patient and let him talk when he's ready and in the meantime work and focus on yourself. Fix whatever needs fixing. And maybe it'll be better second round with this guy..or you will meet and have a better relationship with someone new with your upgraded new perspective. I kinda regret not being more honest and truly not letting my wall of fear down..but it's done now. I'm not going to bother him.
@@sarazephyr8224 Any update?
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 Any update?
@@sarazephyr8224 Any update?
Yes, please do that video on the FA activating and deactivating that you mention at 7:54
Thank you.
Do you have a video on if the FA blocks you on everything?
Yeah!
Is it possible for FAs feelings to change back and forth to the opposite feelings when they switch from anxious to avoidant?
Damn gosh. I wish I'd known about all this years ago!!
The title definitely didn't cover signs fa misses you...adds a list maybe in desc.box
Omg this is so accurate, I feel like you're talking about me 🙈
Yes!! More FA videos please ☺️
couldn’t wait for this !!!
Yes!! Was waiting for this one 😀
Thank you, I'm 100% sure my ex is a fearfull avoidant
So basically if im the ex and he’s hot and cold as hell than he misses me? Greatttttttt
I’m realizing I thought I was becoming secure but I’m actually still FA leaning heavy avoidant😕
Does it also involve putting up whatsapp pictures far more frequently? Especially when they do not have the habit of putting them up too often?
Wait so what are the signs?
omgness you're speaking life right now lolll wow
Wow this is so accurate about me! Thank you, this ALSO explained me perfectly especially @6:17 onwards! ❤
Another thing, after the DA responds, via text, my anxiety goes COMPLETELY AWAY & I lose interest in responding to them. It's like a switch goes off, then I'm ok & I'll take my time responding back to them.
It's like I got my " fix "..
I did this with both my DA exes. I continued with this " brain game ", until I FINALLY lost complete interest in them.
This texting goes off & on, for a week or so, ( depending on how aloof/cold they are & the content ) then I completely lose interest & cut them off! They do text me for a few days after I cut them off, but I ignore them completely. They actually HELP me get over them, this way!!
I have never found a video like this one, to fully explain my thought process!! Thank you so much!
*** if you have an anxiously attachment style, I don't react the same way, there's a big difference than how I react to DAs
@Globe Lights Do you have an anxious attachment? I'll be able to tell you after I know your attachment style.
@Globe Lights I'm a FA/leaning dismissive as per numerous quizzes/tests.. Therefore your anxious side may be triggered more than mine. I revert back into my world when someone becomes too anxious & I need some space. I'd suggest to try to calm your anxiety a little bit & give them a little space. They'll come back I promise. When they do reach out or respond, take it lightly & be present, but don't overwhelm them. Your anxiety is you trying to fix things in your head & then projecting these thoughts onto the other person via text/calls..hope this helps
@@sxylala74 how would you react towards an AA? Would that change if it was just a very short relationship/situationship? You seem so open to answering questions, I thought I'd try my luck! Thanks :)
@@Bee-sp2yf How short?
@@sxylala74 only 2 months. It just feels longer because at first we were talking all day every day (sometimes up to 16-18 hours per day through text). And we are 30 now but went to the same high school - we didn't talk back then, but it kinda feels like we've known each other a long time in a weird way.
Starts 00:54
I feel like I am an avoidant person to an extent. But when I got into a relationship with my ex, she was actually more avoidant than me and In turn, I became the more anxious one. She broke up with me because of my insecurities and lack of confidence saying that I lied to her for over a year and that I put up a front to be someone that she would fall in love with. Truth is, for me, I just wasn't the type to show all my insecurities from the jump. I thought relationships were all about getting to know more about your partner as time goes on. Her best friend unfollowed me, she herself unfollowed me. I really want her hack because I feel like the problems that arose were so small and easily fixable. I understand I need patience on my side and understanding AND more secureness in myself. Sometimes it feels like talking to an immature kid who doesn't wanna make things better and just runs away. What do yall think I should do? You think she gonna come back to me? I felt as if there really was a connection, but we just have different perceptions of the world that we both felt misunderstood.
I'm new here. Please clarify the definitions of
" activating" & "deactivating."
Thanks.
Yay im not crazy, woohooooo
Im a fearful avoidant- have been going through this breakup cycle for two years now!! How do you heal this? And move on for good??
Reflect on the reality of this person. That's how I do it. You feel strong 1 min & the next, the ex is texting/calling you to lure you back in. I see through their BS & remind myself of why I broke up with them in the first place. Remember how they " left you " emotionally when you really needed them, realize they DON'T CARE about you, the way you care about them, & they'll never change or love you. MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT & THERE'S NOTHING YOU DID EMOTIONALLY, TO PUSH THEM AWAY..
You can do this! ❤
@Globe Lights As per your response " When I'm paying them too much attention " ... you need to pull back a little, be present but not to go overboard with questions etc.. And don't over text/call them. Be polite & then pull back a little, this will create curiosity. As a FA I am really independent but I don't act like a cold DA. I like attention, emotional connections, romance etc. but I also like my independence. I think you're trying to hard on both ends cause you don't know what to do. That's fine, instead find a balance, pay attention to their responses & don't push them too hard when they're pulling back. Most importantly don't take it personal! I'm a FA working on becoming a SA (securely attached)
@Globe Lights I'm sorry you're going through this. I am thinking that either this person isn't really into you OR is a DA. If you're putting all the work in & you know they'll fade away if you stop, try it out. Pull back, see how they react & when you gain some " power back "
ex: when they look for you & if they show genuine interest in YOU, then become more balanced by not overwhelming the dynamics after you reconnect.
This person knows you'll always be there, so don't. I know it sounds like a mind game but this is how you create balance with those who take you for granted. ❤
My ex FA out of the blue liked a social media post after a year. What could this mean?
This is interesting as my ex hadn’t spoke to me for 2weeks...then text me @22:50 on Friday..So I said I was in bed but would be happy to chat whenever she likes. found out she’d had too much to drink and moment of weakness. So I said that’s ok, I’m open to chat but be careful calling when your drunk 😆. Enjoy the super bowl. She then tried calling me last night at 7:50pm...so I said was in shower, can I call you tmrw at set time. Does she miss me and being hot and cold also?
so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this isnt gonna work anymore. she did it while crying and said that she didnt want to move on, if i need her she’s still there for me, she didnt want me to leave but also still think that we should break up. i didnt beg or chased her at all, i respected her decision and go no contact, i blocked her in the first two days. suddenly on the third day she sent me “.” message as if she wants to check if i blocked her or not, but she didnt text me again. after that she add a few song about sad and regret and still love me on the playlist she made me. i don’t know what stage she’s in and what should i do? i still want to be with her, please is there any FA that can give me an advice regarding this?
She looks like Lala
Did I miss something?
My ex is fa and Im anxious and he is the most amazing boy ever and I try to handle him better but he brokeup with me as I will be in my country and he is moving out to usa and I can't be there for atleast next 4 yrs so he cant trust me but I really really love him ,idk what should I do
What the heck do I say not to scare my fa ex off. I’m ready to reach out. My mind is clear. I want her. We have so much in common. I wrote a letter but then my ap came out (I am fixing this) and I scared her by sounding like I stalked her fb and she cut me off all social media. Now it has been three weeks and I am at peace and know what I want. Her
and how did it work?
@ didn’t. Let them go. Never again will I even look back for a second. If they walk away I will force myself to.
@@tomb3869 Could you elaborate please? You wanted her, your mind was clear... and then what happened?
@ She probably activated or deactivated & was cold & or cruel to him. We FAs can be horrible people when we're triggered. Poor guy.
Oh dear, this sounds exactly like me, and DA is my ex 🙄
Thias
Please do a video for when the FA is the one getting dumped. I know it's usually the other way around but those of us in this unusual gray area need help. Please!
I dumped a DA with narc tendencies… that’s when I was able to be more secure and emotionally intelligent. Took them back - 6 months later they projected and blamed me for everything wrong… refused communication for weeks and wanted me to buy them an expensive dinner to “fix” it as was the pattern after every fight. Sadly I could not remain cantered and was filled with horrible anxiety after every fight where I was shut out with excuse after excuse. So much work. I eventually blocked but she texts she misses me etc. sad really. I loved her and she loved me but it was very cold and manipulative in the end
👀
This is me
I did not understood a word. This sounds crazy
my now ex is fearful dismissive and I wish he would work on it and get therapy but I can't make him do that...gotta work on my secure attachment
Any update?
@@FM-zg5hz he has done some of his own growth and is more secure now, I am very happy for him
She jumps around all over the place, can’t follow her at all
As an FA leaning dismissive.. absolutely agree at 4:00…. yes when I broke up w my ex I wanted back after 1.5 weeks, things were good day 1 but day 2 he was being cold’ish to me.
Nope
I said bye. Unfriended and bye.
I would go the rest of my days never reaching out so if he cares he can reach out however long it takes. I’m in self healing anyways to get to secure but, the point is… Thais is right. It’s too hard to put yourself out there and if you are not so gentle and careful with a fearful, you may lose them. 😐 core wound being: abandonment, is so needing reassurance, not smothering or avoiding.
Wait, so YOU broke up with your ex, and you're upset that he was cold when you wanted to get back together? I wonder why...
@@johnp4548 My reaction exactly. It’s like they want other people to do all the emotional labor and find excuses to blame them instead of realizing they did the breaking up. Any self respecting healthy person would keep their distance - her ex wasn’t wrong for keeping space. The FA is just angry that she didn’t get her way even after breaking up with him. It’s selfish.
@@FM-zg5hz My FA ex was genuinely shocked that I didn't want to become her "special friend" (in her own words, that meant 0 commitment and total freedom on her part) and continue going on dates with her after she broke up with me. Then the shock turned into anger, and I became the bad guy for not going along with the downgrade. No one is worth disrespecting yourself like that, and you should question the kind of person that would ask you to demean yourself like that. Remember everyone, you have value and worth too.
I'm an FA too. Dumped by FA. I get you, but if you dumped him you created a power imbalance & the onus is on you, the dumper, to fix it; you broke it. It's not necessarily that he doesn't care. I certainly care. We can't have it both ways.
I think she is a narcissist
I really dislike how you refer to people, with these types of attachment styles, AS their attachment styles.
It makes it seems like you're just using keywords to get more views, when in reality It's actually just super dehumanizing. :)
If you have seen enough of the PDS content, you would know 100% that Thias does not believe people are just their attachment style. One of the things that makes the PDS/Thias stand out from other teachers, is the fact that she is so well known for humanizing all people.
She is incredibly empathetic, and gives unbiased and accurate information. She has also stated numerous times what the driving force behind her work is, and it has nothing to do with getting more clicks.
I personally don't hear her talking about people as though they are their attachment style, but if you are, then I would like to reassure you that it is not her intention, and if anything it is just for the sake of time efficiency (just like most names/conditions/long words are abrieviated when they are repeatedly spoken about in seminars/presentations/talks/etc, or when written about in books, articles, research papers etc etc).
@@georgieeve2026 literally look at the titles for all of their videos, they reference people by their attachment styles constantly
@@thankyouforever42069 because that is what people are coming here to learn about lol. Shall we reference people by the pets they own so we can learn about driving? Your comment makes no sense.
@@garytravers117 You could call them "persons or people with avoidant tendencies", instead of "avoidants", whereby you dehumanize them and make them into their tendencies...
Your comment be the one that makes no sense, lad.
@@thankyouforever42069 I am not so sensitive to such things. If someone calls me Anxious Preoccupied I am also ok with that. Everyone gives different meanings to things.... you may think it is dehumanizing but I do not.
So what are the signs that the FA Ex misses you? I think this covered everything BUT that.