Fearful Avoidant No Contact: Are you abandoning your avoidant ex?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ค. 2024
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Are you abandoning your fearful avoidant ex if you do no contact with the fearful avoidant? What if they're breadcrumbing you? Will doing no contact ward off your avoidant ex forever? Watch this video to learn about the fearful avoidant attachment abandonment wound and how to do the no contact rule properly to avoid hurt feelings.
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I dated an FA for 2 months. She knows she sabotages relationships but she still did sabotage ours. The worst break-up experience ever. Nitpicking, hot and cold, silent treatment, no resolution, no emotions.... How understanding and caring you are doesn't change the outcome. They leave when they feel overwhelmed.
honestly you should let it go and walk away. you deserve someone healthier. you can't fix it.
Did the avoidant ever try to come back? I just went through an identical situation.
I wish i dated her for just 2 months and not waist almost 3 years and change country and everything
I went through a similar relationship that she ended abruptly just when it was getting good. Broke up over text after 3 days of peak connection and her assurance: "I'm not going any where". She wasn't as erratic as your ex-, but similar patterns were there. Even though the relationship was short and ended before it really got going, it was extremely painful for me. I only learned about FA after the breakup. That information helped me go No Contact, and I have kept it up for 11 months. I wished her well on her journey, but I don't want to be part of the FA chaos.
I hope your grief and healing process has gone well and that you are on to a better life.
Absolutely great video and advice. I have never had such a strong connection as I had with an FA. It lasted only four months but she got into my heart live no one else has ever done. Then bang it collapsed due to a new job, family and other understandable issues. There was no thought of working through it together - she had to do it all alone. Words like being overwhelmed were used. I simply didn’t understand until I researched attachment styles! The crazy thing being I’m took the test and found I was a secure attachment style but I allowed myself to become anxious. I know everything she was going through was real but I know now I couldn’t help as she didn’t want it.
Thanks for your feedback and for sharing your experience.
My FA monkey branched to a new love after a four-year relationship/situationship, and offered me "friendship". Our time together was mostly peaceful and enjoyable. I guess he got bored, took me for granted, or just found someone he liked better. I said " NO" to the friendship offer and left without a tear. NC at first and now radio silence forever for me. We could have had a mutual breakup months before and gone our separate ways. That way we could have remained cordial. Apparently, he is too immature for that. Very sad.😕
Nah fuck all that. He left. He made his choice.
excited to watch your channel grow. congrats on all your hard work and thanks for the insight.
Much appreciated! And thank you for the well wishes.
Oops. Seeing this a bit too late.
In my defense, he was triggering my deep abandonment wound.
What a mess.❤
I appreciate your videos ♥
Just Exited a re-try relationship after a Dear John episode back in 2005. She 100% fearful avoidant, me 100% anxious / neurotic… the truest love I’ve had, maybe her too, and subsequently the most deepest pain ever. Katya is very right here and in other videos, from what I’ve experienced and observed thus far.
In my case, my ex cheated on and dumped me.
I am open to reconcile, but I already chased more than I should've. If I chase and it brings her back, she would never respect me and it could just happen again.
She needs to reach out if she wants to come back.
This sums up my situation to the T.
Why would you want someone that cheated on you? Cheaters are always cheaters. They won't change because they're forever chasing that high.
❤
I’m not going into no contact with my FA, I’m not coming back.
I wish I saw this video before going no contact 😅
Please never turn towards a life of crime, Professor 🙏
this makes me feel better about the blunt email i sent callign her out for gas-llighting me.
Can this still work if the breakup was okay and weeks later I screwed up cried and texting out of anxiety and panic and later I tried reaching out later and she told me to move on I wanted to stay in contact but give her space
Is it necessarily to message my ex when she initiated the break up and said this is my last message, goodbye. But we didnt unfollow or unfriend each other. When she said that, I just went no contact and didnt msg her nor check her stories, reels, changed dp..i know she wants a reaction from me but im dead decided to do no contact. I felt drained eventhou I really do love her..thats why im lost if this post breakup text is necessary? Its been 5 days now
Maybe I'm too stupid, but I cannot understand HOW a person with fear of abandonment can abandon someone first? It's so important who did it first when you have the same result?
As AP I have a fear of abandonment too. But it includes not just fear that someone will leave me, but for example, that we won't be able to be together bcs of some external factors, that we both can't change.
I’d like to offer my experience with this…
Basically, when you have an attachment to someone in some way (while carrying around a fear of abandonment), anything the other person does that we *perceive* as a rejection can cause us to totally go cold and believe "I knew it, this person actually doesn’t want me around". And, going cold feels 100% justified in the moment because every little negative thing that person did was seemingly out of rejection. Sometimes it’s not even that the other person even did anything bad; maybe we ruminated a lot one day and got caught up in fears (rejection, abandonment, betrayal) we’ve had since we were little. But since these fears are so strong, they can cause us to feel cold about someone for weeks/months.
healed FA, leaning secure here. If I might add, these subconscious beliefs are often triggered even if the other person isn't necessarily doing anything to cause upset, but having these 2 attachments can often be very confusing because we tend to overanalyse and ruminate and sometimes even make up stories in our head on what the possible outcome could be, thus sabotaging through actions. Without awareness, it's a loose-loose situation. Strong communication and self awareness is the most powerful tool to overcome this patterns.
I did this in the past, when I was young, just realized it (and the why) years later. I broke up with my first boyfriend because I was in love and thought he wanted to break up (thoughts only in my mind), so I left first (it's less painful this way). We went back together after months (1st months we didn't exchange a word and we were in the same class) and then broke up again. You get caught in your fears and feel the need to run away
We're 22 days after breakup, almost full no contact (she broke up, I believe she's FA). Now she wants me to take her things back to her (we had just moved together to a new city). I don't know if me not contacting and delaying driving with all her stuff on my own, is abandonment for her. Even though she broke up with me
Something to consider is if she broke up with you why does the burden of responsibility lie on you to get her, her stuff? Thanks for watching and commenting.
8 months no contact & the template was, "Hop on the bus, Gus. Don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee & get yourself free..."
PS
It's still a heartache... nothing but a fool's game, crying in the pouring rain...."
I feel soooo glad as it's size and significance rapidly diminishes in the cosmic rear view mirror of life.
❤❤
PPS
With breakups and boundaries, like most things, perfect practice makes perfect 🎉
I love this template! 😆
@@KatyaMorozova
Template says nice things about you, too!🙏✌️☮️
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No contact for 18 months now. Havent heard a peep from her. After the initial breakup , I did beg her back for about 2 months . I think I ruined my chances when I did that. If i did no contact right away , i believe she would have came back by now .
There’s no way you can really know that. I hope you can be easy on yourself. 🙏
@KatyaMorozova You are right. I just always heard "no contact" directly after the breakup is the most effective. I can't afford coaching . wish I could. I'll just remain in no contact and move on with my life. Maybe one day she will text me. Either way I will be fine.
You didn't ruin it by begging, you showed your feelings and were authentic. No contact is for you to heal.
What you are not getting is that no contact is not for her, it’s for you. It’s for your mental health, you can thrive in overcoming this toxic relation, setting boundaries for new partners. It’s about you guys. Not anyone else.
@@maranhazz 💯 FACTS.
As a FA that have been in relationships i dont agree with your analysis.
You are assuming that " no contact" is the right and adult thing do, while staying in touch with ex's is clingy and unhealthy. I see it differently, although its true im alive and also thriving after my breakout, i see the no contact tactic as an emotional abuse that leads to perspective of mistrust in the benifits and honesty of relationships, if someone needs a special video and attention is the question why people who having breakups from the love of their lifes have to go to the extreme direction of making their ex's more distant than strangers, is it healthy, and which core wound and personality disorder does it come from. What does it say about them as a family member, as partner, and the ability to trust them and their emotions to be true and honest and no selfish and manipulative.
Im in a state where my ability to get into relationships deeply damaged by a "no contact" ex, im getting sick only from the thought of it.
Did the person who went no contact state why they did this? Did you have many conversations before about the dynamics in your relationship? Did you consider the perspective of the other (asking here, don't what attachment type they are)? Most people are not out to get you and also need time and healing, so maybe it's worth looking at it from that perspective (not knowing your personal situation, of course).
@@KateVeeoh
hes doing it as a habit with all his ex's, when we first dated i saw his ex was broken from the sudden break up (due to relocation of my ex), and he needed his closure, i begged to my ex to treat him well and stay in healthy contact with him and even meet him to closure meetings but he refused bery harshly. i thought that there are things that happened in that relationship that i don't know of and those are the reasons for his behavior, but i was wrong, it just the way he is. i always feared from it, and i told him that i fear he will treat me the same way if and when we will be done, he dismissed my fears but also never gave me the assurance that I'm wrong, i felt like this is my sign to cut it, but i didn't, i fought my fears, i was on anti depressents and it gave me the chance to behave differently as I'm used to as FA, so i expressed my fears but i stayed in the relationship. and here i am, 3 years of relationship, ended just as i expected, while if i was acting as i felt in real time i wouldn't be in this situation from first place.
his perspective? being the ultamative emotional victim, putting his need first, being loyal to himself, his job, and his new partners (that will be abandoned too eventually)
sounds like you needed to get out of there sooner rather than later, and find time to work on yourself without focusing on the other (who clearly hurt you). Glad you got to move on, and I hope you can find that not everyone out there is like your previous partner.
@@KateVeeoh
Im talking with many people about this subject, most of them are certain that since a break up, keeping in touch is a big no no, thats something very common culturaly, at least here...
@@s0me0nelse personally I'd also not stay in touch, especially when it was a turbulent relationship like you went through. It keeps you in the past and the anger and hurt doesn't let you go. Your feelings are valid, but I bet there's better things ahead as an FA who's working on themselves, knowing that there are good people out there, too.