Has a narcissist used THIS manipulative line on YOU?
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Mother's day is not a "happy" one for many here. Love and blessings to all who struggle to get through this day🩵🌸🙏💙🌷🙏🩵 🌺
Thank you for this acknowledgment!
Thank you ❤
I am being alienated by my adult children via brainwashing by x narc-
It's the most painful thing anyone could go through. 💔
Thank you for the much needed encouragement! ❤ God bless you! 😊
So true my parents were awful
"I never said that"
"Well , if that's how you chose to interpret it..."
Or "I didn't mean it that way"
@@popsylolI just got a "I didn't mean to... I was only..."
I don't know what to think about that. She at least listened to what I said. Otherwise she couldn't have said she didn't mean to do the thing I told her was not okay. And that she meant it differently. But that is after the things have been said and the hurt has been done.
The problem is the other person knows exactly what the other one said or didn´t say. So it is a try to manipulate someone - in the hope she/her doesn´t remember correctly. I don´t fall for that shit because I don´t have dementia. So I get very angry if you try such shit with me. (My head works very well!).
So true ❤
OMG how many times I heard this
Then they get enraged “that you put words in their mouth.” Now they demand an apology
And that will be the only focus for the rest of the evening, rather than it coming back around to the issue of them being assholes about things you do.
Based on my experience with my narcissistic abusing ex, I’ve learned to focus on people’s actions rather than their words.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss
@@genevalawrence801 I mainly learned to look at the 'why' people say things, rather than 'what' they're saying, as I grew up.
This about actions rather than words I only learned in the past year, the hard way.
Very wise lesson to learn, also trust your gut.
Omg yes “don’t put words In My mouth” was totally running through my brain and I immediately saw this comment on top!!
It's the complexity and nuance of this psychological abuse that makes it so evil. Not only are you suffering, nobody will understand it and will blame you for being too sensitive, a drama queen etc. So you keep it to yourself.
So sadly accurate. Affirmation of my reality
AMEN. I get my text happy mothers day once a year. That's the obligation text. I have never Been good enough for my son.
So we'll said. It's such a lonely experience. So grateful to Dr. Ramani for seeing us.
@@ruthslater6364 Get a pet. They love you unconditionally. ❤🦮🐱🍀
Happy Mother's Day. Give yourself the love and self-care that others withhold from you. You're worth it! 🌹
We are the ones that end up living with the consequences of our decisions. Even when those decisions were coerced. A very difficult lesson to learn; when the consequences of your decisions are present, the person rarely is there with the support they swore up and down would be provided (usually without witnesses and nothing in writing, either, so it is only hearsay if you try to get them to help, there is no way to actually make them help you.) To outsiders it appears entirely as if you feel entitled and are blaming them for your own choices. The whole thing is absolutely horrific.
I feel like I have to get out and get established somehow without telling anyone, because anyone I tell will think I'm making things up.
I dont know if I can risk losing the few people I have, simply because I open up to them about what is going on behind closed doors. It is "inconvenient" to be aware of an ongoing abuse situation, the victim is blamed for rocking the boat when they desperately wanted the boat to be steady. The victim has enough trouble accepting the reality for themselves. Sharing with others? Any dismissal makes it more difficult to get to safety.
The trauma bonded narcissist in my life has taken so much of me that I have arrived at ‘leaving it all’ as a viable solution to the suffering I’ve experienced for a decade. Be careful people. There are some seriously damaged and cruel people that don’t know themselves and can and will be a wrecking ball in your life, preventing you from deserved happiness. 😢
A wrecking ball is a perfect way to describe the damaging impact of a narcissist.
Yes... Got to be 60 years old to understand that nothing is to be done. No need to try to save them. They cannot save themselves. It is a case of possession. 😢
Your comment hit too close to home. Thanks I needed a reminder. Have a good day!
"that don't know themselves"
This 👆🏻
A good percentage of the time their lies are confabulations. There is no getting around it, if they cannot be "wrong."
Narcissistic has an extremely high motor of constant confusion, drama, lying and division. They are relentless and will never get tired of torturing people. It’s truly sickening🤮
I'm 47 seconds into the video, but I know this one. Narcs do this type of thing a lit, it's the emotional/psychological equivalent of the kid holding his finger an inch from his sibling's face singing, "I'm not touching you!" (But with malicious intent added).
They'll emotionally torture you out of even thinking of doing something and then play innocent.
My brother is one year and four days older than me, he did that crap to me all of the time. I would beg him to leave me alone, it never stopped unless he wasn’t around. I would yell for someone to come and help me, he never got into real trouble for torturing me. Our grandparents bought us a new ball each we were playing with them standing in a rocking chair by the front window. He was five or six. I remember him rocking the chair so hard my ball came out of my hands I jump off of the chair to get my ball and turned around my brother was gone. I made my brother disappear, oh my, LOL. I got up on the chair and looked out of a second story window and there he was on the ground. I yelled for my grandmother. She called for an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. Still to this day my family accuses me of pushing him out of that window because he was always so mean to me. He was fine after a few days in the hospital and a new toy. My mother was a narcissist, then I turn around and married one, Oh my. Just in the past few years I have learned about what I have been dealing with all of my life.
„Games of avoidance“ THIS is exactly how I experience it, being forced to mindread, not being allowed to discuss issues.
Yesssss! Refused to tell me what was wrong. He would say, "you know exactly what it is and I am not going to repeat it." To discuss issues he would say, "that happened in the past, I don't like talking about the past." I would say the past!? This happened 2 hours ago!! So infuriating.
YES!
Didn’t take a job.
Stopped seeing my son.
Stopped having friends over.
Stopped having friends..
Never said I couldn’t but made it impossible.
Their goal is to isolate you....
Mine tried the same thing. 9 years,left him and now I can do what ever I want!
Sounds all too familiar!!!
Why did you stay with that person? Really not trying to judge you, just interested in this kind of relationship.✌
@@chedamanamas3610 I’m still with him. He controls all the finances and we have 3 kids, just found out I’m pregnant with 4th. He wants me to abort.. I’ve been applying for jobs with no luck. Haven’t worked in 14 years. Got into school on my own. Hoping that will be my path out. I have no family to help and no friends. His family sees him as perfect & treat me as bad as he does. Be careful who you have kids with, folks. I’d be gone if it weren’t for them.
I remember no real conversations (2-way) with my mother. I do remember her making comments and then years later she would deny having ever said them. She was a master gaslighter. Having emotions was a big no-no. The one time I remember being hugged seemed like a show for the neighbors.
They drive your friends and family away and invite their own and expect you to host them.
I didn't even realize it was happening.
Since I'm in accommodating person I just thought it was normal
This was true in my marriage. My ex's father came from out of the country to visit us during the holidays. Every year. Every year from December first to New Year's, it ended the same way with his dad flipping out and doing passive aggressive childish silent treatments for two solid weeks until he left. Every year it was the same way. He made my ex miserable and then I was miserable because they were both miserable and taking it out on me. I got grief if I said anything about his father's awful behavior. His dad always got away with it because my ex was a coward. When I put my foot down to try to get some boundaries in place IN MY OWN HOME, I was made out to be a miserable harpy. His father was the male equivalent of my mother. I could not tolerate that behavior and didn't want it in my home over the holidays, which had always been horrible times growing up because of my mother doing basically the same stuff.
His mother rarely came to visit. When she did, she mostly spent time with him and not me. That's fine, knowing now what I know about her I'm glad she left me alone. She was a real piece of work. She never once thanked me for taking her dirtbag son off her hands and out of her basement.
My parents were not allowed to visit because we both hated them. In a decade, my dad came down twice for a few days but stayed in a hotel, did his own thing away from us. Having dinner paid for once or twice was all my ex would tolerate, and even then he whined about having to go. He was such a brat about leaving the house for an hour to get his hunger sated for free at a nice restaurant we couldn't afford.
My mother came down once for a weekend and got food poisoning, and I had to deal with her the entire time while he cowered and hid. Much support!
Completely different dynamics, all skewed in his favor. Just like that entire "marriage." If I expressed a word of negativity about his family and their obvious crap behaviors, I was the unreasonable one. Not them. Not what they were doing. Me.
Then I got blamed for my family's behavior too, so I couldn't win no matter what I did or didn't do. I had to stand there while everyone threw rocks at me and then wondered why I was bleeding everywhere.
I am so glad that's over with.
That is exactly what I experience. 😩
@@spacegirl226 you were surrounded by narcissist on all sides.
You just can't win with them
Oh god, this is exactly what happened to me. Separated me from my family for almost 3 years. When I took a stand and asserted myself I was called controlling, narcissistic, toxic, abusive, etc...I felt the need to keep every receipt I could because I never knew who I was going to wake up to at any given day...She constantly used pity and anxiety as a defense and justification for why I couldn't go visit my family, why I couldn't have any girls as friends (or even hug another woman for any reason), and she even punched me on several occasions and thought it was completely justified. I never laid a finger on her, but I sure was hit several times. It was the worst 3.5 years of my life and I am glad I escaped that monster.
The reason you can't win is that the game is always unfair. 😮
My ex-husband also prevented my parents from visiting us in the same way. He would ask me to invite them, but when they came, he would do everything to make them feel uncomfortable. As a result, they didn't want to come again. When they were supposed to visit, he would get angry even before they arrived, insisting that they shouldn't stay for too long. Then he would get upset that they weren't coming, and when I told him it was because of his behavior, he would say, 'I didn't tell them not to come, where are you getting these ideas from?'
This pattern is familiar to me.
Boy, I can really relate to this. I lived that also.
Definitely can relate! Holidays, birthday parties, celebrations for our children, all were problematic for my husband when we hosted. I got the brunt of it before the guests would show up - I made too much food, spent too much money, I should make sure everyone takes off their shoes, who is going to do all these dishes, etc. - he'd be mostly quiet during the event and not offer to get anyone a refreshment and ignore my requests for any help (even helping to set up his coffee maker I never used before), then he would go to bed as soon as family left and leave me with all the cleanup. I was fine with that actually, at least I could do the cleanup at my own pace and in peace - me and Netflix!
My narcissistic husband does this. It's maddening!
My ex-husband would do this too!
What baffles me is that the narc in my life doesn't seem very smart, how is he able to be so completely manipulative and devious? It's pure evil.
Cos he's been practicing his art since he was a kid x
He's using all his brain power to manipulate. It takes a lot to keep those balls in the air
A narc is not smart😂
@@user-o6ue45hz8nr2apThat's what she just said.
Happy Mother's Day for ourselves who are re-parenting our inner children 🌹
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers who deserve this title 🌹
And especially - Happy Mother's Day to whomever celebrates painful understanding of their dysfunctional mothers 🌹
You have brought clarity to a very difficult fact. Thank you.
Thank you,that's me.I raised myself up since 1999.And the parents and country and the society system of the world is dysfuncional and unconscious.
Happy mothers day to you as well❤
Happy Mother’s Day to you and Me and all of us who suffered from narcissistic abuse by our mothers, our husbands and our children.🌷💕🪻🦋🌷
Love peace and happiness to you all
Before I realized, I was being totally isolated from my family and friends. I had to step back and away from all the Talking Heads to really see what was going on.
At one point he said to me while dating, "It will just be you and me, only you and me, in our own world with no one to ruin it." I was like ummmm 🧐
Consistently being asked where I am going or where have I been “All day” is the most annoying thing ever
Yeh the minute I leave house even for a doctors appointment he goes crazy asking so many questions and giving so many chores to do after. It’s so annoying.
@@SS-jw9mm When I take my dog for a walk it’s fairly obvious where I’m going.
I told someone the other day I was tempted to say we’re going shopping
Ask them where they are or what they are doing and they’ll either straight up lie and make up some elaborate story or go on the defense immediately because they don’t think when they are screwing off it’s a problem because they are so grandiose and important that they get to do as they please…
Such a special disorder.
Wow! I feel this way everyday. Why do they always ask where you’re going?
To me it comes off like they’re insinuating something. It always makes me not want to go anywhere. Or makes me feel like I’m out too much when in reality he doesn’t go out at all. He sits in front of his gaming computer all day.
@@AromaticSympathy
Attempt to control.
Yeap! You nailed it! It never ends! Masters of manipulation! It’s exhausting!
There is a winning move with the narcissist.
The move is to walk away from the relationship.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
They are masters of being able to "do things in a way that is JUST under the radar, adds to the stress, the frustration, the anger, the confusion, the self blame, the isolation and the general awfulness of these relationships. " nailed it. I've never been able to put this into words that others will understand. Thank you!
Yes! So they can use that line, "Well, if that is the way you want to interpret it that's all on you"
@@remarkable937 oh my gosh. I hear this all the time now
@@orielwiggins2225 Yep. Just want to smash something sometimes.
This is why I try my best to keep things underwraps. I dont want the voice of “hidden” disapproval to affect me and hinder me from living life on my own terms.
I often envisioned my dad as going around knocking over stuff and digging pits in front of me to hinder me. Metaphorically that is what he did. Everyone blames me for the mess that I have to clean up and praise him for making the mess while denying he made the mess and accusing me of doing it. It's maddening.
Hey 👋🏻
@@daykibaran9668
hi 👋
@@dakoderii4221
yes indeed maddening. these ppl insane. id rather stay on mute around them. that way they dont have content from me.
"Then just disregard what I say! Why does it have to affect you so much?" My mother continues to say hurtful words and blames me for hearing them. Sometimes it gets me confused. Am I being too sensitive for reacting to her harsh or negative words? It is so painful, at 48 I now decided to limit contact to gain some peace.
Yep. The day a narcissist takes responsibility for their words is the day I’ll be at the window watching the flying pigs…
Maybe tell the narc that they did not literally say friends could not come over, but their hostile and aggressive behavior did.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Most politicians are Narcissistic
This kind of coercive control is insidious. That’s what makes the nuanced reality of narcissistic abuse so difficult to communicate.
Yes, you are very right.
A narcissist act like he has ultimate claim on you. Don't fall for it. It's a big lie.
My narcissistic mother not only did this when i wanted to see friends but if.i wanted to play sports or use the fitness centre in the building. She would get hostile, suspicious and if she didnt outright say 'no' she would insinuate that i was fooling around and have an angry look on her face. It only started when i was around 16 or 17. Previous to that age, I had a lot of freedom and was allowed friends. I wasn't promiscuous, did no drugs and won a scholarship for engineering
Happy Mothers Day to all of us that mother animals (ours and strays)day in and day out. 💐 🐶🐱🐰🐞🦭🦋
This is the first Mother's Day in my life I haven't felt hurt or upset at all.
*THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani!* 😃❤
I grew up with the unwritten rule that my narc mother's non-verbal anger, snubs, etc. had to be endured and catered to without acknowledgment. Now it DELIGHTS me to call out passive aggressive people who are safe to confront by calmly saying things like, "The majority of human communication is non-verbal and I notice you're doing X and Y. Is there something you'd like to discuss with me?"
It feels civilized and POWERFUL after having to tolerate so much BS in oppressed silence! 😀💪
*Happy FREEDOM Day!!!!!*
I don't feel anything. Mother's day was always full of drama. So grateful to be no contact with her
Happy Mother’s Day Dr. Ramani! Have a wonderful day!💐💐❤️❤️❤️❤️
Happy Mothers Day to everyone! Have a wonderful, peaceful day! 💐💐💐❤️❤️❤️❤️💐💐💐
I heard that a lot I never said that. Never ending drama,victim playing,and everyone against them.
Older brother is a severe Narcissists..crying, anger attacks, telling me how stupid I am,, all my life, manipulation in Severe attacks,,,,
His favorite phrases are - “that’s all in your head” or “that’s what you choose to believe” after he says that’s not what I said or I never said/did that
Thank you for bringing my reality to the front so I can continue to believe it
And … ‘this conversation is over’.
My mom did this all through my childhood, my 20s and 30s. Then I’m being considerate to her and she says I didn’t ask you to do that. Sooo ungrateful I consider her.
I feel sorry for people having to deal with such narcissists.
Me too! Because it even can get life-threatening!
Sneaky and manipulative tactics are described w precision in this video !
Brilliant examples of how Narcissists twist conversations to gaslight. I remember once after a very twisted and exhausting conversation, for the first time I actually let out a frustrated, "AAHHH!" Of course they looked at me like I was the crazy one for being frustrated over "nothing". You can't win with a Narcissist.
Happy Mother's day to all. You certainly can win. Don't play the game. Disengage, close the door and walk away. You're value need not be defined by the narc. No contact where possible and rediscover the wonderful aspects of your personality that the narc has whittled away. You don't need them but they need you. Supply is their fuel. Stop fueling them. Focus on you and building the life that you deserve. It's not about you. It never was. You're ok they're not ok.
Thank you. I cut contact with my brother (sociopath) two years ago and my mother (Narc) not quite a year ago.
It brought much peace but she upped her anti on berating me to the family (aunts, uncles, cousins). They aren’t all narcissists but many are and everyone plays their roles. I realized I just needed a clean break. I was waiting for the perfect time but…the perfect time is always now, isn’t it? There’s always going to be something going on that they’ll talk about how terrible for you to do this when so and so is sick or whatever.
Finally, 4 days ago, I blocked and deleted every last one. I’m free 😊
Absolutely true
What they say (or don't say) is one thing. What they do and how they behave is another.
This cropped up today for me. Our daughter is graduating this week and they “just realized” my family would be attending. It’s just too much for them and they can’t handle it. Makes you feel like you are choosing family over their mental health and impending breakdown. As usual they will come home from work barely in time for whatever event is happening, or be late, and enjoy the party along with our guests then go to bed before or immediately after everyone leaves. I ask nothing of them in preparing or hosting. Then they talk about what a great party we had and how much they love hosting. It’s such a crazy making dynamic. Now I ignore it and celebrate my kids like they deserve. You really really can’t win!!!
My stepmother would be deliberately rude to my friends, didn't like me going to friends' houses, then ridiculed me for not having friends. 'All my friends' daughters have friends they go out with, you're not normal!' Gave me a complex for years.
Sounds just like my mother was.
Yep! Definitely the type of shyt they’ll do and then make you feel crazy for trying to appease them and you’re totally unaware THAT will NEVER happen.
With time I became skilled at detecting the double-bind strategies so I would say out loud what was happening underneath. My dad hated this, but he would stop. I knew every path he could take to gain power over me.
I'm realising all this now at 34. I was raised feeling bad if I invite my friends over and if they overstay their welcome. I was afraid of being successful at anything, and I didn't really have time or will to due to the constant criticism and my never being enough, but tirelessly attempting to. The whole world was revolving around my mother.
I never managed to please her and she'd always put me down, even if she complimented me the day before. She turned me into what you call a needless person. Even today I'm afraid of expressing my own needs and feelings for fear of potentially losing people from my life, because my mum has been telling me my whole life that everybody would leave me, and although I never understood why, I believed her.
And then my sister repeated the very same thing last year when she was furious with me for cancelling our plans due to a headache which was the result of a procedure I had that day.
I still cannot help but wonder if I'm the bad person here and I'm terrified of being alone as a result, since the whole experience has made me terribly introverted and isolated.
Get Dr Ramani's book, "It"s NOT you". ❤🍀
Wanted to say what Teresa said. It's not you, it's them. Listen to more videos of Dr Ramani or buy her book.
Hi! I was 34 when I first learned about narcissism. It took me a few years to recognise and accept that it wasn't just ex partners, but also my mother and older sister.
I'm 44 now, and I have successfully rid myself of a lot of the toxic beliefs those two b*tches had ingrained in me.
You'll get there, probably faster than me since you're already on this channel. Trust yourself, body and mind. ❤
There’s an even nastier version of the “having friends over” scenario. My ex acted like this WITH OUR CHILDREN. And now he wonders why our adult children don’t have relationships with him…
I have this situation, as I am raising 2 granddaughters, 15 & 10. If we go to church and out to lunch, their mother gets angry, that we don't invite her. The granddaughters don't want their mother to go because their day will turn into all about her and her drama. If not invited, she screams I am trying to keep her daughters from her. Thanks to your classes , I do not engage in the hateful texts I delete without reading. I also know in her narcissistic nature she may go with them once or twice but truth is she would rather sleep in and tell everyone I would not allow her to spend time with her daughters. It's a cycle, and I do not want to get into it.
I am with you. I have grandchildren that I'm trying to protect and it's a nightmare. I keep wondering where do these people come from? Did they eat the twinkies and drink the koolaid? You know, I had really wanted my later years to be peaceful and joyful. With my daughter and her boyfriend, that will never happen. But I can't leave. They will destroy their children.
I raised my adult granddaughter, now 23 who is grown and flown. Her mom is an alcoholic, living with us. I endure her narcissistic abuse constantly. She is basically dying but trying to take me down as well. Dr. Ramani is right, in these situations, ‘you just can’t win’.
The other side of that coin is that a grandparent can be the narcissist and try to take control using 'protecting the children' as an excuse.
@@a.s.3267 Wow. Nothing like an internet troll who knows nothing about a painful situation to exploit it for their own benefit. Truely, you should refrain from "criticising" something that you don't know anything about. My grandson has suffered major skull trauma without the benefit of medical attention because of these ego maniacs. I have a theory that when someone defends the behavior of a narcissist it's because they resonate with the behaviors of that narcissist. Maybe you should gather more information before being so cavalier with your opinions.
@@a.s.3267 What was that? That you and your husband were both effectively sterilized? That was your original comment wasn't it? The original comment came up in my notification feed. I didn't read anything into it. You got caught. You commented on someone's post who is a grandparent trying to protect their grandchildren. Your badly stated and badly placed comment was abrasive and insensitive. If you wanted to talk about grandparents being narcissistic and your forced sterilization, maybe a better way would have been to state that independently of anyone else's comment. Countering a grandparent's concern by saying that it can grandparents who can be narcissistic is confrontational. Just for the record, anyone can be narcissistic even commenters on TH-cam.
My narc moved us abroad to his small, Alpine country and then shouted at me in the evening while I was sitting at the kitchen table studying German. I’d gotten up at 5:30 to make him breakfast, got our child off to school, made dinner, did the dishes, ironed his clothes for the next workday, and then finally sat down to study. He shouted, “Why are you studying now!” When I sat in my 8:00 AM German class the next morning, I had to run outside and burst into tears. This happened a few more times. I’m finally learning the damned language now, away from him.
Oh i have DEFINITELY experienced this. Multiple people, multiple ways. As soon as i claim that they altered my behavior, suddenly they will not stand by anything they had done or said in the past.
I had a narc roommate who got mad when I had friends over to visit. Which was not often. She would sulk and criticize me for it after even though we were quiet and respectful and had invited her to join as we all went to college together. It made no sense. She became jealous and possessive of me, getting mad if I had boundaries like not wanting to talk on the phone for hours with her everyday. She never took responsibility for her things and always blamed me. I had to walk away from it. Super unhealthy. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I’m not sure in my case. My husband constantly hid and lied about what he was doing and who he was hanging out with, saying he felt shame for wanting friends. I have said “I never said you couldn’t have friends or visit family” so many times now, I always felt like it was some manipulation in his part to guilt trip me.
I never understood it. I even encouraged him to see his family and friends but he’d always end up avoiding them. After therapy, he says it was because I didn’t seem genuinely happy for him. Which is more confusing. I went through some family trauma and felt both happiness and grief for what I lost with my own family. It was like he blamed my grief for why he couldn’t be happy. I just don’t understand narcs at all. It’s like I’m not even allowed to feel any negative emotion which makes them feel bad about themselves, even if it has nothing to do with them!
I had one sincere friend who completely ignored his sarcastic remarks when visiting while my children were young no matter how insulting he was to her She let it all go "woosh" over her head & I so cherished her friendship, she saw through him & his manipulative ploys that never worked on her
She later, baby - sat my children when I finally did separate from him ....she was the one & only friend that lasted & ignored his insults and never gave up on me
My kids are now adults & we are still friends
I could never go anywhere at night back then as it was always ruined by him putting kiddies on the phone maybe 10 minutes after I had just arrived at a friend's house who lived nearby....it simply wasn't worth trying to get a break out of the house back then
Confronting him wasn't a option for me as he was a grandiose malignant narcissist and am I blessed to now be divorced
Happy healing days
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your guidance, DrRamini ❤
Thank you for all!!🪻☘️🪻HAPPY MOTHER'S day!💐🌸💐
He definitely did that. I see it as a twisted confirmation of his “power” over me and my other relationships or activities.
He made it very difficult to have a life outside of him. I did it anyway until he relocated us away from my support system.
My now EX husband used to say how cool he was about me going out occasionally with friends or coworkers, in fact, he said it was healthy and that we should have parts of our lives that were separate. HOWEVER, when I did go out and text him he would ignore all my texts -- we texted each other multiple times a day as we had previously had a long distance relationship and it was a habit we never dropped, think of it like an ongoing conversation or sharing parts of our day. Then, when I would return, he would act just enough differently that I would be on edge, feeling like I'd done something wrong. He would inevitably gaslight me and tell me it was all in my head and that I was trying to make out he was a jerk. I lived like that for five years, and that was enough for me.
The "courtroom" situation whenever I try to talk about a problem.. sigh.. my mother really perfected that to a point, where my words and thoughts just turn to dust.
Thank you so much for your work 🙏🏻💜
Right. And having to ask the right question or word it in precisely perfect diction. Which doesnt work. The funniest is when im direct and no emotion whatsoever im angry or need to calm down.... but i wasnt i was just emotionless and soul distanced grey rock purely english paper dictionary informative.
And Meanwhile we have to make questions out of accusations or filter through fake scenarios. And i have to say im not great at the court-ish b.s. at this point the truth is sufficient. But even there no matter what you say, perfectly or not. There is no win. Only if we stick to boundaries and that can have consequences too.
Sorry you deal with the words to dust too.❤
Then there's the total twist of BS in the retelling later on, retold as truth if you don't fight it hard.
@@Anisette65 where the truth should be sufficient, its then carefully undermined by how we are percieved inside the realm of their truth which has one small grain of truth.
The good thing for those of us. Once we get out of or fight the cognitive dissonance. You dont have to remember the truth and the truth though can be confusing doesnt tend to change as much as theirs do. They do have to remember though.
Examples-
-i was accused of rape
*what happened
-went out with some military friends drank and did cocaine went home with some acquaintances
-was taken to the police station on allegations of rape
-i blacked out but didnt do it though.
true story told to me- He didnt do it- but cant remember. - the girl did not get any justice
Same man accused an 8/9 year old of molestation.
The girl was promiscuous and under dressed and was fine with making out
-but he blacked out
They skillfully and continuously get away with this. Until they reach the wrong victim
I asked my ex several times if his family was ever in the taffy business because everything was a struggle. One step forward twenty steps backward the narcissists cha cha. I can laugh most times now when you have something that triggers a memory but when you’re in that storm of their hell it’s never ending torture.
Separated for 1.5 years, though still co-parenting. This one stings. I have many examples, but one particular one springs to mind. I used to love golf, and tried to play once per week. She would say I should play, but invariably there was a drama just before or just after I left the house, and I'd feel guilty and anxious to come back. I'd often cancel golf last minute. This led to me quitting for a couple of years. She then encouraged me to re-join, saying I should do it and that it was good for me, so I did. The same day, she mentioned about joining the yacht club, but after discussing we decided it wasn't good value to join mid-way through a year, and that we'd look at it the next year. Same day: went to beach with all her visiting family. At a quiet moment, she casually said "we were going to join the yacht club as a family, but we can't afford to do it now as he's rejoined the golf club". I felt sick that she said that in front of me, our kids and her family, and as I turned to her open mouthed, she moved the conversation on. It still makes me feel ill.
The inner mechanism of control, brilliant! I'll add that what isn't said or done has such an impact and is so easy to deny. Dr. Ramani always has our back! 😍
To say that this is EXACTLY what I went through feels like an understatement. When it came to the last friend standing, he accused her of making a move on him. When I would start to make a new friend he would say I wasn't spending that quality time with him and our relationship was falling apart. The last family member standing he accused them of the potential to harm our child in the future by twisting a moment when this family member was only helping, not harming. The therapy that was required for weight loss surgery became a problem, a week post-op, that was tearing the relationship apart because what I was being taught to do was wrong for a "special, deeper, enlightened" kind of relationship like ours. When I left the house alone to do anything some kind of chaos would ensue to the point where I would get worried for what might happen once I got back that I stopped leaving alone. I couldn't even be in my own back yard alone at night without a fight. In my mind I didn't have specifics as to why I stopped leaving alone until hindsight happened, it was the repeated pattern of coming home to chaos that made my nervous system fear leaving the home at some point. I just wanted to share these specifics of mine for others to see more examples.
Narc tactics often have the behavior and the predictable two- or three-pronged set of potential responses. We know what how it's going to go. It's a toxic menu, so really we don't want to be there.
@@Anisette65 Yes, once you figure it out it's all so simple to see. For myself specifically, I was 17 and had no clue what Narcissism was. I saw this man as familiar because, in hindsight with knowledge, I had been raised by parents who both had their own set of narcissistic tendencies. By the time I realized that I was being abused in my relationship, the abuse had long taken its hold. When your brain isn't fully developed up until age 25, this kind of abuse runs ramped as most are obliviously unaware in this stage of life.
As soon as Dr Ramani said, "I never said you cant do that", I knew it was yet another spot on version of my last relationship. I have never had a past relationship explained to me with such precision as listening to this lady. Everytime i think there is no more to hear, bang, another thing that happened. Amazing.
Happened all the time! 🤦🏻♀️
Plausible deniability ALL THE TIME!
Watching it happen to our adult children now is so painful. Especially when it comes to his attempts to alienate them from me.
I still have to deal with it due to disabled daughter. It is never going to stop. Wish I could get off this merry go round. Doing all the ‘rock’ colors I can does help. Of course soooo many boundaries as well.
Best wishes to all the survivors and thrivers out there!
Making it Wretched, the life story of a Narc.
Exactly, unless someone has experienced it, it can sound like we are over analyzing things or.. looking for trouble where there is only apparently “innocent behavior”.
It is so insidious! Listening to this made me think this is why my long ago ex (who is not a narcissist but got involved with one)is pretty much a hermit now. It’s difficult to even get a text back. She used to be a funny lighthearted person who at least came out occasionally to socialize. Not only do they work it that way but also people don’t really wanna be around in their presence because it’s not an enjoyable visit to watch the narcissist pull the strings when you’re visiting. to make the rude comments to put down your friends ideas or behavior or cooking or etc, you name it.
Absolutely correct!! Yes I nodded and have too many examples. Yes the control extends itself to everything, because it’s literally about them and you are a toy they play with, not a person, I don’t care how much you self sacrifice.
THIS is exactly how you get trapped! They don’t usually explicitly say something terrible so then they get to deny all the shitty behavior.
I was taking Pilates classes on Sundays. I quit ´cause my Narcissistic Ex was telling me every Sunday we couldn’t do anything as a family because of it. It was a passive-aggressive comment. It works. I ended up taking care of the kids and he was “working”.
Recently, I had a conversation with my sister, and we both agreed that we have a narcissistic mother. My sister wanted to have this conversation with me but we both felt that we would tell each other, “no Mom isn't like that.”
My god another thing I've tried to articulate since childhood but most people don't understand this one. They make you feel so bad about it that you give it up. But you're coerced into it. Also I totally forgot it was mother's day. Happy mother's day to all the great moms out there🎉! And happy mother's day to those of us that had to be our own mother's❤!
Thanks for this video. My sisters are coming to visit this weekend, and my narcissistic husband is not happy about it. He will make me miserable all week leading up to their visit, then try to guilt trip me about him having to leave his own home for the day (even though he's welcome to stay).
Wow. This is my current Landlady-Housemate. I am not a young person, but a youngish, alert Senior who rented a large attic unit. The Landlady is definitely a manipulator. I feel sorry for her "honey-do" husband. Really nice guy. I do not want to be here if/when the day comes that she sticks him in a nursing home. He is 15 years older. They are a senior couple. Plus, she is always coming up with "symptoms" and wants everyone in her proximity to dance circles around her. Moving!!! Soon!!!
Yep. The sneaky, twisted way of pretending they did not STRONGLY IMPLY that you were being selfish and ignoring them if you made some plans with a friend that interferes in any way with time they were at the house...regardless of the fact they spend most of their free time playing video games and watching shows.
In my experience, the first person to start levying charges of toxicity is usually the toxic one...
My mother said these exact words about talking to other people in my family. “I never said you couldn’t see them! That’s YOUR choice, I just don’t want them in my life anymore and after all we’ve done for you as your parents we expected more, but I guess we were wrong again huh?”
I’m 30 with my own house, a fiancé, and a full time job… routinely spoken to like a teenager. Don't feel guilty for going no contact, regardless of who it is. Trust yourself and everything will fall into place, you don’t owe anybody anything…
After a breakup, I had no choice but to temporarily move back in with my parents. I was working, paying those people rent, and I still had to beg my mother’s permission to go anywhere. And I had a curfew.
My mother had an explosive temper, and one of the things she would say to screw with your head was to ask you if you were sure.
As in: “ I want to spend the weekend at my friend’s apartment. “
Her: “ Are you sure?” In an ugly warning tone.
Me: “ Okay, I won’t then.”
Her: “ Are you sure?”
What does she want at this point? And unfortunately, I got stuck with a narc friend too, who I just didn’t catch the warning signs with because of what I was convinced was normal thanks to mommy dearest. And she moved into my apartment and made my live a living Hell for five years. I couldn’t get rid of her. I tried to kick her out, and people would say I was being awful, or I would regret losing my only friend, etc.
Neither of them are in my life anymore and haven’t been for a decade. I feel great, and their lives are actually getting worse. Karma is real!
This special form of gaslighting needs its own name! Thanks for calling it out Dr Ramani
An aspect of experiencing passive -aggessive isolation by the narcissist 💩
After I divorced my husband I began listening to my kind of music which was country musics. My son said to me a few months later” mom what’s happened to you where this country stuff come from you don’t like country”. I said yes I do and my son said no you never listen to it and I said that’s because your dad didn’t let me listen to it. So my son goes to my ex-husband and tells him mom said you never let her listen to country music and he said I have never said she couldn’t listen to country music. My son comes back to me and he says dad said he never ever said that to you. I said you’re right in those words he never did say that, but in his actions and his behavior, he made it very uncomfortable he would mimic it and imitate it with exaggerated twang and what not it made it awkward that I would listen to it so I just caved and let him have it his way. My son said then that’s on you. Ugh 🙄
sorry your son doesn't get it
Sounds like he is in your son's head too
I actually believe that my son is narcissistic like his dad. He challenges everything anybody says argues, should’ve been a lawyer type thing but makes people around him uncomfortable because he makes big deals out of nothing. The list goes on.
Happy Mother's Day Dr. Ramani. You are our mental & emotional saviour Mother. Thank you. Having narcissists in our lives requires refresher talks to help us, and you have given that to me. ❤
@@daleswain9520 If there is any way that you can separate yourself from your son, you should really think about it. I have a similar situation and I have tried for 20+ years to bring my adult children (they are now 34 to 40) around. I have bent over backwards thousands of times, forgiven so much, overlooked incredibly bad behavior, and it's all been not worth it. I am now 65 and I'm giving up. No matter what their dad did, they have always sided with him. Think about your future. Think about giving yourself some peace.
No friends,
No support,
No love.
Can no longer talk to my mother over the phone.
No feelings of trust.
I feel betrayed!
So oh let's start there.
Every time you put one of these characteristic behaviors in perspective it is a pick axe to the wall of narc behavior
That is the stress I live with. I don't know how to react or what to day without ME looking like the narcissist. 😩
"Everything feels like court with them" 💯
I lived through this for years. I am thankful to God I got out alive.
Yes, he treated my friends like all was benieth him and was rude so, I didn't want my friends to go through that unwelcome feeling by no longer have ANYONE over
This happens in employment situations as well - You said xyz … I never said that, you’re recalling incorrectly. Then they start speaking to you as a 2 yr old and ask if you need to “write that down” with a fake expression of concern and care.
Not a Happy Mother's day. Just thinking of all the drama in life. Mental abuse is so much harder to deal with then physical abuse. These are scars that do not heal but lived with everyday.
I had to maintain quiet in the house at all times...so he could rest. Couldn't have friends or family over because it was a disruption. But he never said they couldn't come over. Weekends I quietly took kids in their pajamas to McDonalds as soon as they woke up and we went to a secluded park to eat and play ...When we came home I was yelled at for making too much noise opening garage door as I left!
I found myself being so drained from the toxicity of the relationship that the actual words didn't have to be said.
I snapped out of the 26 yr fog of mental abuse several months ago. I've been yellow rock (we have kids still at home) for 3-4 months and become enlightened and stronger everyday. 45 days ago I decided to compete for a highly competitive promotion. Took on the interview with my old confidence. Two days ago, I was notified I got the position.
I say this to inspire readers to reflect on who they were when they were happy and had goals, friends, hobbies or whatever that made them happy and/or successful. Look within and find that person again. It may be painful to move forward, but you really have to take the approach that a toxic relationship is really a slow mental murder of you.
Quietly working on a divorce strategy to exorcise the devil out of my space reserved for peace.
Congrats, dude!
@@Poodleinacan 👍 Thanks!
6:53 "Im always going to their place because you embarrass me. Your average looks, awkward personality, and social ineptitude make me look bad & that's embarressing"
I’ve heard that ‘I never said that’ so many times.
Omg yes! So many times. I stopped inviting friends over when i was 12. And he would thenbpick on me for being 'introverted' and im not.
Thank-you for saying boundaries aren’t a thing with narcissistic people. I kept trying that. My husband would literally say “spouses don’t have boundaries, what you’re doing will never work”!
I used to think he would make a good lawyer. It's true, he never said exactly that. He said words that went around and around that phrase and said everything but that phrase, but you can't get him for saying that exact phrase which gives him lots of wiggle room making you think you were wrong and misjudged his actions/words. Always reminded me of these politicians who used to be lawyers. Word salad.
Omg! 1,000’s of times! Since I was little I have wished that I had a tape recorder. At times I felt crazy because I knew that she had said it, but she would flat out deny it.
“I never said….” My step mothers classic line.
Dear Dr Ramani, I just wanted to say how much I appreciated the retreat. I was there for most of it, and at the end I felt a tremendous catharsis . . . I really haven't felt anything like that in a long time. Much love to you.
It was a constant guilt trip, I ended up just trying to keep the peace... isolation island...
Happy Mother’s Day Doc - thank you for your generosity, kindness and support towards survivors of NA. You go above and beyond the job and you truly are one of the big brain and big hearted tribe - a tribe that I see myself as part of too.
😉seriously I hope you can feel the appreciation and love ❣️🌹
This day use to be a mix of celebration and sometimes a difficult day for me. As a child it was really difficult but as time goes by and my own children are grown - I am a leaning in mom whom walks my talk and loves my own children - unconditionally. ❤ i detach from trauma bonds - and all the cv NPD projections dramas and toxic stuff - no matter who buys into the coverts false narratives- I know who I am and I know that I live as a flawed human who can function as love in action.
I won’t allow manipulators to affect or sour this day or my personal happiness.
I wish all moms and NA survivors peace and happiness. Sending all the tribe big hugs.
Enjoy your day ❣️🫶💝
Omg, I have heard this “I never said this” / “I would never ask you to […]” kind of thing so many times from my narcissists!! And I agree - this is one of the trickiest parts of those relationships. I would also add that this may equally concern unfair bans and unreasonable demands. Countless times have I been manipulated into doing something for the narcissist that I wouldn’t normally agree doing only for them to say this “I never said you should do this” / “I would never ask you to do this”. This is when you really want to bang your head against the wall…
Thank you so much to bringing attention to this, Dr. Ramani, and for all that you do for the survivors ❤
YUP. This reminds me of a demand a narcissist put on me to basically do an ongoing task. As I did this task it became increasingly stressful while the narcissist became increasingly demanding that I do the task. Finally I broke down and just told the narcissist I was too stressed to continue doing the task. The narcissist got a weird sort of sneer on his face and said, "Remember I said you didn't have to do it?"