Staying stuck or moving forward | Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko | TEDxWilmington
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 พ.ค. 2024
- This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Dr. Lani Nelson-Zlupko is the founder of LNZ Consulting and an Adjunct Associate professor at the University of Pennsylvania. She received her bachelor's degree from Harvard University and her master's and doctorate from the University of Pennsylvania. Lani is a solution-oriented therapist, consultant and researcher who specializes in transition management. Her treatment strategies have become a training model for mental health professionals across the country. Her research has been published in several leading psychiatric and social work journals. In addition to mental health counseling for individuals, couples, and families, Lani provides coaching and training to individuals and corporations regionally and nationally. She helps Fortune 500 companies as well as struggling non-profit associations to manage crises, plan for and effect transitions, manage and redirect difficult people, and effectively lead the people they serve. Dr. Nelson-Zlupko works as a bridge between scientific findings and real life people. She resists the notion that people’s problems are rooted in personal flaws, or that standard talk therapy is sufficient for change. She believes skills can and do transform mood, behavior, relationships, and organizations. She is passionate about her work and believes that well-adjusted, confident people are the backbone of each generation.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
TURN (into different direction)
LEARN (new strategies)
MOVE FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!
Hah yeah, i got stuck. My mom was mad and kicked me out to my dad's at 16 (messy divorce). I lived alone in my dad's house for 7 months until he decided me and him were gonna move in with his gf. Gf is unhappy with me (i was unhappy there anyway) and she wanted me out. Moved in w my boyfriend and his parents for a few months (still unhappy).
During all this time i felt horrible because i was living with people who either didnt want me there, that i didnt want to live with or both. But i couldnt just "get a place". It took me a over a year to find a house for myself. Now at 18 I have my own tiny studio appartment and let me tell you, i finally felt like i moved on from it all.
You are 18. So, time is the best treasure that you have in your life. ♥️
It is amazing what we go through as a child that we shouldnt but it is so normal for us. We take it on.
You’re gonna turn, you’re gonna learn and you’re gonna commit. Meaning you’re gonna turn away from focusing on the problem, turn toward the opposite, what you want, and create a solution. You’re gonna learn from trial and error, and most importantly stay committed because it will be challenging and you may slip up, but you can keep moving forward. One right step and then the next.
An additional tip I learned from Hassan Minhaj: do the hardest thing you can today. And that doesn’t mean like go start ur business or get into shape, but a goal that is achievable within one calendar day. Like maybe working for 45 minutes on a business plan, or apologising to the person you had a fight with, or going for a 25 minute walk.
A body in motion tends to stay in motion.
It's always easier to move once you are already moving.
It doesn't matter if you think it's not exactly the direction you want to be moving or that you don't know what direction you want to be moving.
Just move.
It's easier to change direction from there.
I've done what she says and it works. Problem: narc ex moves in over the road and bombards me with abuse. Solution: move, block, create new life with plenty of self care. Result: happier than I have ever been!
Good for you! 😄
Thank you
I am going through something somewhat similar but i am living with my ex and I KNOW overall despite good and not good I shouldn't be here but I dont have the money to live on my own. My goal is to finish school get a job and move... i just want to survive til then and I too am practicing self love, reflection and meditation.. you give me somewhat hope it will WORK.
Congratz moving away solves 80%of the issue.. Good decision.
2 years on and my life is more than I could have ever hoped for, I'm in the middle of a medical degree, I have met an extremely loving and caring individual and we are getting married next year and I have been very lucky to be able to get a house in the middle of the countryside, it is idyllic.
I still had problems with the narc, he sent the police to my house on a few occasions because he could not access me, making up lies saying I was harassing him. The first police officer was awful, the second one was very understanding. I just stood my ground, explained I was not interested in this person and showed the proof and evidence that I was not doing the things he said I was. I think after the second time he got a warning to stop contacting them unless something actually happened. The guy is complete demented and just could not grasp that I was not interested in him in the absolute slightest!!!!
I'm JUST KEEPING The FAITH day in day out I recommend this for YOU ALL
I was stuck and accepted he hurt me many times… Now I get power to move on ! 💕
Thank you so much🙏🏻❤️
As a person who has struggled with depression and have been stuck most of my life, this is the best and most effective Ted Talk I've heard. Thank you so much.
Samuel How have you been? Hope you're doing better
Goodjob samuel!
How the talk helped you? Can you share your experience?
Samuel I too struggle with depression, and I wholeheartedly agree- this Ted talk has given me a new game play.
Samuel I was thinking the exact same thing. I’m blown away at the perspective she defines on here. 👍🏼
Great message with great presentation. // One image stuck with me: little children learning to tie their shoes. We forget that we have all gone through that. The image is so beautiful: a little mind guiding little hands to master a task that at first seems complicated, if not impossible. But at some point it happens -- the look on a child's face when this trick is mastered is priceless.
Most of the people I know who are stuck have trouble deciding what to do next. They are stuck in a cycle of indecision. When they do decide something to do, the moment they fail, they quit. So I view "stuck" as a failure-indecision cycle.
Ezm23
You are so right. And your young age, knowing that is going to take you far in life. 😁
Very well put. But where’s the solution? :)
Very well put. I find myself in this situation. While I’m not happy about it, I do take solace in knowing I am not alone.
When you said "you're working hard to get out of this cycle", it meant you finally decided to do something, breaking the cycle of indecision.
@@akakonoha the first part of the solution is the awareness
Her talking is so clear. She is confident and structured which reflects in her speech. I also think this talk is informative and helpful.
I was stuck...until I heard this. I'll need to hear this more times and also to make a plan of action to move forward; away from my 'autopilot' mentality and into a conscientious step-by-step direction...with God as my Pilot. This will help in my finances too.
Thanks for Autopilot mentality. I'm victim of this .it's new word for me
Make a note of that and read it EVERY morning man ! Keep it up !
Persistence is a crucial part of moving forward. I need to remember this as being positive for a short period is easy but becoming an everyday habit is not easy.
optimistic
Well said claire.
Don't ever put power into other people's hands about your life!
Anon
That comes from telling others everything about you without restraint. I stop doing that a long time ago.
I didn't tell my last guy everything and it still didn't matter. You should be able to trust the one you love and "loves" you..... he would just go in circles. He was a master ☹️ but I'm a warrior at surviving. It won't be any different this time ❤️✌🏼 however I learned 💯
You are supposed to be able to count on your partner. You are supposed to be the one person that they can count on and they are supposed to be the same for you. Partners to the ground 💯
Indeed you've shared the point in a nutshell ...good stuff
DarkstarrAnon )O(
@@slimdudeDJC your comment has been stuck in my head and I needed to see your words...
It's easier said than done ...negative is not easily brushed aside for me...
Ty
DarkStarrAnon
she is such an eloquent speaker, i really admire that about her
I watch this video every time I find myself stuck. It works every time.
Chronic uniqueness is a red flag.. everything is manageable if I steer clear of embracing the temptation of entertaining my chronic uniqueness.. I love also what was said about not putting power in other people’s hands.. good stuff!! 🙌🏼
YES! When you're stuck, turn away from the problem and move your energy. If you can't run, walk or swim or do yoga. If you're me and you seriously want romance in your life but you struggle with it, you need to redirect your energy towards learning the skills that are the building blocks for what I want.
Right?
Turn,
Learn, and
Committ to always moving forward.
she's talking about growth mindset and resilience
Such a smart and motivational woman, need someone like her in my life. Very funny and practical. I think she's better than most men at solving problems.
Great talk. Ego, fear and pride are exactly what hold most people back in life!
I LOVE how blunt she is. Such a wonderful talk ❤
Turn - Learn - Commit to move forward! Massive thanks!
'Learned Helplessness' is a condition created when one suffers from a traumatic experience or persistent failure to succeed; it is a continuing sense of powerlessness in the brain that can be treated- depending on the persons thoughts, physical or mental actions to overcome the continuous thoughts of feeling powerless. Talk therapy and many other types of self help can/will work if the person actually "tries" and believes they can overcome this feeling.
Pocahontas Boyd I am suffering such trauma as you've described so perfectly. It has been going on for years and has completely overwhelmed me this year to the point that I completely fell apart. I isolated myself and was going down the tubes. Just last week I let other people know what was happening to me. It is so difficult to believe that everything is going to be okay. I'm stubborn though and I won't give up trying. That's why I'm watching these videos. I'm so grateful for all these TEDx talks. She reminded me of how Edison tried so many times to make a light bulb and failed over and over, but persisted until he got one to work. I've just found a bunch of ways life doesn't work and need to keep trying until I find a way that does. My dreams are real and I have to believe I can and will achieve them and never give up hope. I'm tired of being stuck! I was about to give up. I am so glad I let people know.
You can take flower essences; such as Bach Flower remedies or in America there’s also FES flower essence range. There are many emotional states you can heal with flower essences. Even not giving up, when one should in fact do so & sit back & take time out. Letting go & letting God. Which is the most underestimated crucial point of surrender.
@@jimmygriffis7415 He stole ideas from Tesla and others. But yeah, try until you get want you want 👍
@@jimmygriffis7415 listen to this little voice inside you who still believes and hang on to it...make it bigger day by day
Brilliantly put, thank you very much! ✨💖🙏🏻✨
Never put power in other peoples hands, about your life. If you have something that’s making you less the person you were meant to be. It’s time to look in a new direction. Your win is over here, just looks a little different ~ Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko
Absolutely LOVE this talk. Sending to a few friends who are in crisis right now. Thank you!
Thank you I needed this
Even her aura is saying problems ain't problems. Best advice, Pretend that It never happened. feeling unstuck thank you so much ma'am
lol
No, she's talking about what to do after you have already acknowledged a problem. She started her talk with examples of people who get stuck on that step, and then shows how to move forward from there
@@sariahhayford3331 uckguckg
this woman has given me inspiration and motivation
Absolutely the best Tedx presentation ever! Sound reasoning, and easy to understand. The speaker is solid in giving how-to ways of getting unstuck.
It is not even related to the problem itself, it is related to who stays stuck and who moves forward! People stuck in problem rather than move forward ... time to turn, learn, move ... Thank you Dr. Nelson-Zlupko! Face life unafraid, we can make it!
Thank you so much Dr Zlupko, I have watched this on the 8th of January 2020 now I know what I have been doing wrong all these years & i am going to make some changes. This is the best Ted talk which will brighten my 2020. God Bless You.
This is one of the best ted talks Ive listened to
I needed exactly this. For once TH-cam has recommended the right video.
She got to the point of not the problem as the focus, but how you approach it with an attitude to change.
She is good at what she does!
I want this woman in my corner at all times…amazing talk!
If I could give two thumbs up for her here, I WILL!
I would love for her to be my coach because I know I need it...no matter all the positivity and affirmations and meditations a part of me feels STUCK. Don't want to be stuck just want to have peace.. i watched this twice. Will rewatch again and again.
When I have trouble or sad story in real life, I tend to listen the Ted talk. I find it sympathy to listen my mind
There’s no problems, only solutions.
It’s how you view it which becomes a problem. As long as you deal with your own stuff, & how you deal with the situation will become easy. It’s all there to help us learn & grow.
She is SOOOO good! Preach it girl, you got me out of my egoic funk quick!
Best Ted talk ever!! She should have more videos on TH-cam. And it's amazing how the white dress cuts off exactly at the line of the white location words. For the first time in Tedx someone didn't speak in circles
Vidita MorePatil nah this was stupid. these Ted things never related to me
@james gentry then don't watch them, thanks..
James Gentry or keep watching, believing you will be given the ones that you need/ that are relevant in your experience, all while having the knowing that all the other TedTalks that though they may not be relevant to you,, they ARE helping others all around the Globe..
great comment @Susan D
Honestly, I got too bored by 3.13.
Excellent talk. She so accurately describes what coaching is about without really mentioning coaching. It's amazing how people's lives change when they focus on what they want, rather than on what they don't want.
Wow! She is on point, I think I might have conquered several key issues in just 15 minutes!
Just watched this. Aside from learning from the video, I also learn whenever I read some comments here. Very informative!
I lost my job 2 years ago after about 14 years going into depth that I never went. Now I'm tryi g to move on, GOD willing I can. Thank you Dr🤲
everything is perfectly and plainly delivered, don't stress it
This is a great talk. TEDx should start including sign languages
Very inspiring and informative. Very true the ways we continue to be stuck and great insights into how to turn from stuck to moving forward. Thanks
Amazed by her talk. Body language, tone of voice and structure of talk are all too good. Wonderful!
And..... pretty sure this just saved my life. Thank you!
The anxiety of being unprepared outweighs the pressure procrastination soothes.
interesting...but what if the anxiety becomes an addiction that motivates?
Get on the arrow! Turn, learn and always move forward, with persistence! Thank you Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko!
You are GREAT my DEAR! I belong to your world. Great words and all true.
Smart! Wish my mom saw this she thinks her situation is soooo unique. She has a dream life with no gratitude.
I totally get you. My mum also has everything but the way being she is, she doesn’t/CANNOT appreciate nor enjoy it because it’s gotta come from inside. NO PERSON PLACE OR THING can give us joy peace & all the good stuff. Gotta come from within.
@@akakonoha so sad, same for my mum
She's great! So inspirational, loved it!
She is not only very watchable. She has very helpful advice.
Absolutely amazing. I really needed to hear this. It was definitely right on time.
This talk was more helpful to me than I can say! I should play this on loop as I go to sleep so that it really sinks into my subconscious mind!
It is just...the best tedx L have ever seen..
Such a boost! Thanks I reckon watching it again n again to pursuade myself .
Best talk ever. I ordered Dr. Lani's book while I was listening to her talk from Amazon. I can hardly wait for the book to arrive. In the meantime, I listen to her talk daily. So motivating and inspiring talk.
Just awesome. Listened to her message 4 times already. Wow... She looks amazing toooo.... 😢
Often when people come upon the stage and talk, I have this habit of judging them: Are they able to understand those affected by those problems? Have they taken those people into account?
And this talk, had all the positive answers.
It seems simple, but it was worth a watch.
I need her, I'm going to see if she can take me on as a client. I'm stuck for 7 years now, going absolutely nowhere, being "Stuck" has come to define who I am. It's not a situation anymore, it's an existence.
I have been the same for 5 yrs & I've not left the house in 3 mnths. Just wish I knew ppl or someone who could help by guiding me, I'm a prisoner of my own home now. Goodluck & Godbless.
@@tradingpost2472 are you still stuck?
You need to be around people. Not to say that you have to be desperate about it but try doing something you like first, then participate in social interactions where that activity is practiced, and be open-minded about the new people you encounter. This will result in at least the following:
a) More positive thougts due to small victories along the way
b) More people you can share your thoughts with
c) General acceptance and enjoyment of how you spend your time.
Just a couple weeks I separated with my gf of 3 years. Everything was fine when we were fine, but more and more disagreements made me feel that I'm stuck, lost belief in my own decisions and actions, became more stressful and just generally sad. It's a bit hard some days now when I'm too lazy to start doing something productive but it must be hard I reckon when you move in the opposite arrow of what you thought was most productive but in reality was just the road of least resistance. I could've stayed in the relationship and comfortably kill myself by a thousand cuts but decided to be yet again on my own and prove to myself that I deserve to be happy, either alone or with someone else, not think about all the ways I could change myself or her just to make things better between us. Clearly it wasn't working.
Merry Christmas you guys and girls. :)
@@tradingpost2472 Yeah just doing something, anything, helps. get around people. look on facebook or your city's social media and find out what's happening around you. classes, music, events, volunteer ...any kind of interaction, even if its something you didn't think you would like. fill your free time schedule up. I had to do this. it makes a world of difference.
@@tradingpost2472 whats the root cause of ur stuck, indecisive and giving up easily hence not reaching destination, or keep doing same thing and expect differently, once ur aware of ur root cause then do the opposite of it, u need a strong desire to change, decide to be decisive, decide to be resilient etc, also social interaction helps, have a zumba class or rock climbing class, working on crushing your fear, shame, insecurities is the foundation, cox why u give up in the first place is also coz of ur insecurities and fear. So all in all... Its a combination of things done persistently that make changes, notice the small urges to do certain things and decide if you want to do it, as simple as rearranging ur living space makes a difference too, pay attention to those small changes that you feel urged to do, but also notice if you are doing too much of it and using it as escapism to ur real root problems, but do ensure at least ur environment is condusive fot u to make the right desicions for u eg, its nearby a zumba class, theres healthy food around ur place, theres cheaper grocery stall on veggies n fruits, its should be convenient for u to do the things u wanted to.. That way ur more likely to do it.. Over time it becomes a habit.
So true! Being honest to oneself is the hardest bridge to be crossed.. But so possible! Thank you so much for this talk!
Persistence is key.... Thank you so much ❤
what a woman, so inspirational. Thank you very much for this Talk
This is a great and very helpful talk! The way she explains and all are very clear, informative, and VERY PRACTICAL! 😄
This was deep, thank you a mill. I just recovered my bounce back muscles.Yeah the power is in our hands.xoxo
Thank You. Very well presented. Good Strategy
This is the best Ted talks so far till now I came across !!!c
Great perspective. I’m looking forward to hearing more from her. I will be looking her up to follow her.
I'm completely shocked!!!! This is the second TED impressed my so deeply in every few minutes!! And last time when I got over a bad romance, I did use the same strategy. This is right.
👏👏👏 standing ovation. !!
Excellent...I need to listen to this video every morning and I will.
Encouragement is achieved, I am moving forward and i will always remember that there is always a way out.
so true. funny yet full of compassion and completely actionable!
thank you
I really needed to hear this, thank you❤️❤️
Quote: “where attention goes, energy grows”. So be aware of where you put your attention. In my humble opinion, as much as possible, I wish to put my attention on God, Our Creator. The repetition of any name of God...such as Allah, or Christ, or Hindus says: Hare Krishna etc... you will " know" what's best for you. This mantra, zhikr not will help focus the mind, nut so purifies you.
Einstein once said: “If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” It is funny sometimes how views can differ. But I understand what she is trying to say in this Ted talk. It's never good to drown in your own personal problems.
Isn't it just a different side of the same coin? Doesn't focusing on the solution point out that there is a problem? (Especially if the solution isn't working)
Jo
@@Beatrichay 0ñb. Ñ
@@Beatrichay yes, I was thinking the same.
Wow! This is was great. Amazing flow of concepts and series of actions. Very good speaker. I will be using this in my Empowerment class that I facilitate.
I have watched many many talks . still I wasn't getting the answer to my career confusion. I think I have got the answer now. thanks a ton for this wonderful talk !
ameya marathe
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Me either tho 😢
And whats the answer?
This is fantastic, thank you.
Awesome..need more like you!
Great perspective. Nice to hear a different way of trying to get back on track.
this fine talk stood HEAD and Shoulders ABOVE an hour of videos I've watched this afternoon. It just all made such solid and influential sense in my confused "brick wall" thinking and was just so inspirational and motivational. All Kudos with Much Gratitude to Dr Lani Nelson Zlupko and I'll most certainly be seeking out more talks from this fabulous Lady !
Thank You !
Thanks Tedx n Dr.Lani..ur Great..
Superb! Thank you so much. So inspiring, insightful & helpful 😀 Wow! You are changing lives every day. God Bless you & everyone struggling to change 👼
I heard the talk 4 times back to back and its impressive. Keep it up !
I'd given up on TED but this talk gives me hope. Great job!
Wonderful! Thank you!
Brilliant talk! Funny thing how simple n logical it is y we get stuck!
jes gam ii
Go Lani I'm so thrilled this came up in my feed! Great talk! from fellow '89er
Brilliant . Thank you
I needed it years ago, yet I'm glad.
That was some much needed timely advice.
I love the last part. Just persist until you're able to reinterpret
Excellent talk - thank you.