Narcissistic Parents: Healthy Behaviors that TRIGGER Them
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In this video, I talk about the healthy behaviors that trigger narcissistic parents. Learning about this will help you understand why your growth and happiness provoke such intense reactions from them, allowing you to finally break free from their control.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
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"Stay out of theirs" YES! THIS is so true. To survive children try to understand their parents and get in their way of thinking and in their heads. But it does not work as a grownup, just leaving - mentally, too, is the best for me.
I only realised about my true self when I was diagnosed with hormonal dysfunction. It came from my parents, and their behaviours and dysfunction came from their parents hormone dysfunction. How can I blame them for what they didn’t know about themselves. It was actually your program made me realise that, and no longer wanted to attend, how anger manifests from, progesterone, testosterone, oestrogen, iron deficiency, cortisol, I’m lucky I know that’s caused by my hypothyroidism and pituitary disease, add in my insomnia (pineal gland), my birth defects, from my mum or dad or both. Why don’t you or many therapists talk on why our parents may have been the way they were, and why I turned out the way I am. Everything from my birth defects, already the 1st indication my mums or/and my dads wasn’t functioning properly for me to have had a heart murmur and jaundice. All of my childhood issues and being symptomatic of everything diagnosed in later life, having all of my mums physical health conditions and learning abilities. When you’ve sat in a room with alcoholics, who come from backgrounds of bad parenting, and you find some of them have hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism, and if they don’t have it, it’s heir parents or grandparents did, when you talked to parents whose children have adhd, autism, and you find they have hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism, if they don’t their aunts, uncles, parents or siblings have it, when you find people with BPD’s with thyroid disease, or family members, maternal,/paternal or both, you can see a pattern emerging. Also how some people will never get diagnosed, through in my opinion and personal experience medical neglect and the fact it’s a data analysis machine that dictates whether you blood reference range gets you diagnosed. How these ranges can be different in other countries, how two members of the same sex in the same family get diagnosed on different ranges, regardless of being symptomatic and having abnormal blood results. Also in later years how you can be validated by another medical professional who says that they would have diagnosed that person when they were say 0.3 off the range you was diagnosed on. I used to judge a book by its cover, until I understood the devastating effects and impact on our minds and bodies, dysfunctional hormones and vitamin deficiencies, especially women who have trauma births and pregnancies, and the effects in babies, even more so if they are both in poor living conditions and lack of good nutrition and vitamins. Even for some of us, we can have malabsorption problems, so made need supplements.
And there is no way I would invalidate what anyone has been through.
My mother put me in therapy and on antidepressants from the time I was seven years old and was insisting for my entire life that there was something wrong with me. She insisted that I was just an angry depressed child who hated the world. In reality, I was just reacting to her and my father‘s abuse and neglect. She didn’t realize that putting me in therapy would teach me how to defend myself from her and eventually my boundaries started to drive her crazy. Finally my family sees her for what she is now. We’ve been no-contact for one year and it’s been the hardest year of my life, but it’s also been the most healing. Thank you for what you do! Your videos have helped me so much through this.
Same here!!! My mom made me out to be the crazy one. When in reality I was reacting to her narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. Her family stands behind her. So do my two siblings.
Sounds all too familiar.... weird but kinda comforting to hear my story told by someone else. Sorry you had to go thru that.
@@flowerchild89So difficult 😥 They seem to want to stay in this toxic cycle. They tend to gang up on us. Peace be with us💜🙏💜
Same here! My mom put me on meds because I was “too hyper” but really, she could see the strong personality I had and that I would speak on things no one else did at a very young age. She couldn’t have that, so yeah- she had me on meds my entire childhood and teen years. Even said that I needed them all through my 20’s. Now I have memory problems and ADHD. thanks mom👍🏽
@lauren_08 the memory issues are from the narcissistic abuse, not the meds. Im sure you had unexplainable headaches as well..... sorry fk narcs
I dont think it's really AdHD either.... i think it's more of a PTSD at a young age symptom
I wish I could get back my life I waisted trying to get love and approval from my narcissistic parents.😢
Ah, once you know! Be glad you do, cut your losses count your blessings, I can't imagine what it must have been before we were eventually informed, people had so little back-up, support, now mention narcism to a close bud who'se on the ball and be told they know enough narcists to last them a lifetime!
Same.
They ruin kids lives.
Makes life way harder than what it should be.
Same
So very, very, very true! 😡
I often wondered as I got older, why my parents constantly talked bad about people behind their backs. They would NEVER say those things to the others' faces. It took me a long time to realize that is not normal or healthy.
Yep . That’s my mom . It’s a critical spirit . And she’s possessed by it .
My nmother criticizes people who die . i guess they cant defend themselves!
Same here. I remember that we would have a fun get together, then as soon as they would leave, my parents would talk bad about all of these lovely people that I liked and it really confused me as a kid.
Yes! Agree
My mom is this way. She constantly has a bad word about everyone. It’s very sad and I’ve tried to distance myself from her. It’s really awful to hear about and be around. She leaves me vague voicemails and then of course they always end up having to do with someone she disdains when I eventually call back. Recently she called to gossip to me about someone we barely know and I just went silent. Honestly i wish i could move to another planet. It’s extremely stressful. God forbid I ever make a mistake she will remember it forever because she never forgives anyone
I don’t want to trigger them. I just want nothing more to do with them. Just want to acknowledge they no longer matter in my life and move on.
Sent to daughter and older bro comment someone wrote "Why would you accept criticism from someone who you'd never ask advice from?" is that reaching out? Ok, I'm more along the lines of.. Custard's last stand and this is where I stand on chosen minimal contacts with you! 🎠🏖
This isn't a how-to guide
Good.
Word.
Ummm. Its Custer and he was there only to kill natives(sioux). This is not a good idea for a stance. I am native who had a shitty native mother. Still not cool. Send the others messages but they won't care@joseenoel8093
If you're the Black Sheep they want you to feel defective, not worthy of being in the family but to somehow feel and act grateful for being there. If you push back in the slightest way you are going to experience a barrage of passive aggression, and they're willing to do that indefinitely. It's so messed up.
Proud black sheep here! I don’t want to be anything like any of those people in that sick family unit. Ik I’m a better person than all of them 😊
black sheep here as well. Perfect description
I'm there too with Blacksheep and scapegoat. Have the opportunity to save for a home. My intuition tells me i won't be there for long living with my dad... for a second time my dad is already telling me my seven year old doesn't need therapy but discipline. He isn't really gonna like my autonomy when I tell him no about respecting my boundary on things. I am going through some life changing things in therapy and I feel safe.
I call myself the lighting rod. Thick skin and mental toughness has been my armor and shield. I can control myself and how I feel about things. Deep down, I know anyone who makes someone feel awful about themselves cant be internally happy, so I try to learn from their misery
My parents were extremely triggered when I started making friends . They would scare the kids away. Then say how worried they were that I 'had no friends'.
Same.... 😢
❤❤❤same
Mine had no friends outside of the family. In 50 years not once did we ever have someone ever come to visit my parents who wasn't a family member. Seems really wild at this point now that I am out of that bizzarro world.
I relate so much to this and I'm so sorry they put you through that!❤
OMG SAME
3 years ago, I had a phone conversation with my mother. I kept calm, distanced myself, did not give her any information about me or my life. Just that everything was fine. I did not try to argue with her. Something shifted inside me that day. I was not the person I used to be. Since then, I grieved the mother I could never have, I grived the little girl I used to be. I never called my mother again, nor did she.
Wow. Good for you. You are a worthy person. Her loss.
I only talk to my mother twice a year. For about 5 mins. Mother's day and her birthday. She never calls me. NEVER! I have always been the one to call. So I went 98% contact. I have grieved the fact that I don't have a normal mother or family. My father was a narcissist too. It goes back for several generations on both sides. My mother scapegoated me and my brother is the golden child. She can talk to him. I stopped the abuse cycle. I did not have children.
^ Golden Child is stuck trauma mode
So brave of you. Stay healthy
"To keep a narcissist out of your head, you have to stay out of theirs." Absolutely 💯
My mother was triggered when I was happy. As I was a child and she caught me smiling, she would rush to me and hit me just to see me cry. Lucky for me, she was neglectful and mostly my neighbours were raising me. I went no contact too late - in my forties. Don’t wait, get out as soon as you are legally can.
God Bless you with peace..happiness..health..prosperity
I have the same mom. I just act crazy and she thinks I’m doing bad. News to the family--I’m not crazy, I just am done with everyone. Let them think I’m crazy and have a story to make their minds busy. Awesome!
Same here Friend, same similar things . Both of my parents were like this
My dad just yells and screams at us if we don't agree with whatever he says.
Ultimate punishment for using your brain!
My father as well. He died in August, never accepting accountability for his actions.
Same. He went off on me because I told him that I just need benadryl for my seasonal allergies rather than go to a doctor for a prescription
I don't expect an apology, I'm just glad he doesn't call anymore
@@joseenoel8093Exactly, the more rationality, the worse they react.
My favorite voicemail/text phrases from my mom are “no one understands why you’re being like this”…. “It’s time for you to make things right with your family”…. “You USED to be so sweet and we don’t know what happened”… “you’re making this a bigger deal than it really is”… “we’re sorry.. for whatever it is that we’ve done”….. insults and more insults
Yes !!! My last conversation with my mom ( over a year ago ) i literally told her the girl you used to know is gone , bye bye .
How could her sweet , loving daughter no longer want to please her ???? What a puppet I was . Thank God my eyes are open now.
Mine says "when are you going to grow up?" Or "I never said that." Or "That's never happened." My every memory is wrong according to her. But my final straw was two of my sister's put spyware in my phones apparently for years and my mother went a long with them using private things in my life as a weapon while repeating private conversations back to me. I thought I was loosing my mind. but what pissed me off to the point of no return with them was knowing they intentionally took money off my accounts to cause me to struggle. while my mother went a long with it all and kept calling me the problem.. And of course the 3 of them have been able to convince the rest of the family they are the victims to circumstances they created.
Me, too.
I love you as a similar soul sista. Many blessings to you.
Same here.
It’s really a shocking experience to wake up to these things going on.
Yes. I just told my husband - I think I used to be happier when I was ignorant of this stuff . But in order to heal, I needed answers to why my family is so screwed up. I used to think most people & families are good & normal . I sure don’t think that now . But , with wisdom comes acknowledging truth , even when it’s negative. There’s no other way .
Oh staying calm drives them CRAZY! They want the emotional high of causing a strong reaction. Makes them feel powerful. Don't give it to them.
So true. The first time I said no to my narc mother, calmly, and wouldn't take the bait, she asked if I was in a cult, lol. They're nuts.
They just feed on people’s emotions and hurt because they hurt a lot and making someone uncomfortable gives them power and power offers them some kind of value because they don’t feel valuable at core
There's a word for it: narcissistic supply.
@@shadowfax9177 that's two words, technically, lol. ;)
@@Kinesiology411 technically yes. I usually just call it their "supply".
This is why youtube therapy works for me: I do not have to talk. I only listen. I get so damn tired of repeating my childhood traumas and talking about how life has handed me a bad hand, etc. Here, Mr. Wise is so knowledgeable about my situation without even knowing who I am. Therapy, psychiatry, and psychology are a science if you will. He knows human behavior like I know how to do Algebra. He speaks VOLUMES to me. Thank you.
I do not remember algebra😮. Yes, Mr. WISE
IS A WISE MAN/ TEACHER
They hate this 3 things over anything:
- Word, NO.
- Independency
- Boundaries, all kind of them.
My mother can't stand and kind of disagreement with her.
But if i agree on force to avoid fight my stomach will hurt, so i don't know what is worse, to fight or avoid.
You can't win with them.
Just stay silent, let them talk their b.s and think in your head "i disagree with that"
That's silent disagreement, and it feels good and avoid further useless talk.
@@therollingstone9701 I do that, but if i listen her crap i get severe stomach pain and other physical symptoms, so it's not solution for me.
@@FreedomAboveAll4 yeah, its hard. You have to put your brain on stg else. Like you're not really listening. They send waves of toxicity.
You should really consider taking advice for a therapist who ll give you some better coping skills. My dad can make my anxiety level and stress in my.belly rise very fast.
My method is limiting interaraction. They are radioactive, limit and avoid exposure to their negativity. This is not good for you to stay in firing range
I’m so sorry. I relate. Mine wont take no for an answer either and it’s exhausting and incredibly stress inducing. I’ve learned to say no over time but she wont give up and respect my no
@@shieldoffaith8798 dont let her have access to what matters to you and your decision making. Protect all that as much as you can. Don't share your plans, decide for yourself. That will limit her nuisance capacity.
I love your definition of Self differentiation.
"Self differentiation is a skill and process of asserting your needs, preferences, and boundaries despite strong pressure to conform to the harmful norms, expectations, demands, and behaviors of your family or any relationship."
Reminds me of learning about peer pressure. Don't succumb to the crowd just to fit in. I don't want to "fit-in" with abusers, enablers, and bullies. If abusers, enablers, and bullies don't like me, I'm doing something right.
Bingo! And this is why a lot of (example) autistic people born into narcissistic families are scapegoats. It’s not that we’re defective; it’s actually a defense mechanism we’re born with.
This is the one time I feel sorry for normies. They don’t have this advantage I have. The peer pressure from these horrible abusers takes a toll on normies who might otherwise be healthy.
I have fought my whole like not to be anything like my parents were, and still are.
Preach 🙏✨
Narc parents don't want you to succeed or thrive in any area. They are envious if you do anything they aren't able to do. I remember struggling in math in high school and dealing with bullying, I was so stressed out with both, plus dealing with my controlling mother at home. It was ridiculous, and I asked my narc mother to get me some sorta of tutoring, but she refused to help pay for anything or seek help any other way, nor did she do anything about the bullies, I would come home breaking down in tears, because I couldn't defend myself or get help from teachers. My mother never advocated for me or went to the school and said anything. She just kept quiet and told my step dad to tell me to tell the teachers, but they never helped. She didn't care. She got pleasure outta seeing me struggle and dealing with pain. She used to tell all the time, " I had to go through it, and so do you. "
People always say, "Oh, just forgive your parents, they didn't know any better." That's a lie! Those saying that foolishness are narc parents themselves, looking for a pass because they are just as guilty. These narc parents know exactly what they are doing and the witchcraft prayers and words they speak over their kids everyday. They want them to fail. They purposely sabotage their destiny and future because they are evil & envious. Awareness must be brought to the forefront of what's being done and said. Especially those of the house of God. Religious Jezebel spirits are everywhere, in the church pews, in the home, in the pulpit. I pray they get exposed for who they are. They are damaging and destroying people's lives daily.
@@Freethnkr we had the same mother!
Same. I literally got physically sick now after years of narcissistic abuse. The daily headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, skin irritation are now the mental abuse that I need to endure while they watch and demonically smile or do not feel any empathy. They deny it but like you said this a witchcraft or demonic spirit that they attach to you so that you will always suffer their abuse without them being present. I am in my mid 30s but I still cannot detach. I got physically stunted and my speech is disordered so I am easy prey to bullying in public and at work as an adult. I also cannot find a quiet place to live so that I can meditate and rest due to housing costs and being denied leases. Society is full of narcissists.
We had the same mother, in all preciseness
Yes!!!!! I wish more people would wake up and realize it’s a spiritual battle too. You must use your voice and raise awareness!
Same!
I experienced that my parents don't want me to heal personally. I was very sick because of abuse and I had a rare disease. After I started to heal a lot after limiting my contact with them, they started to show more rage. They were really happy and grinning when I mentioned my illnesses, but after I started to feel well and be successful, their happy grin turned to a frown and their eyes were full of rate. That's when I realized I had to get away from them forever.
They don't want you to listen to your intuition and values cause it makes them think about their own stuff. Trying to control you is easier.
Narcissistic cultures devalue independence & for young women, it’s devastating as well as life threatening. We’re returning to only being baby incubators with no autonomy... Fortunately I turned 18 in 1976 & not only could I vote but also seek reproductive freedom. My younger sister & I got educations, then careers. We didn’t marry or have kids! I’ve been a successful college level teacher & owned many properties. Now I’m retired in Florida after going no contact & burying the past, including those parents. We stopped the family dysfunction dead in its disgusting sick craziness
And you stopped the lineage altogether? Theres nothing wrong with being a good mother, theres a lot more to it than being a “baby incubator”
I have the same opinion. I see, how patriarchy culture exploits women at many fields. Plus in career, there is a tendency in many men at high positions to give a career chance to men instead of better prepared woman. I also decided to be childfree nor marry and left my narcissistic family no contact; and am more and more happy with this decision.
Well, it is all possible with money to be able to detach, but if you are a kid you are financially dependent on them. You became an adult in the 70s so it was easier for young adults to find a job, find a place to detach yourself. This was expected. Being a 16 to 18 year old during the recession meant prolonging suffering by continuing to stay with narcissistic parents always hearing that you are lazy and still like a 1 year old depending on them for not being able to find a job or face homelessness if your parents kick you out as soon as you turn 18 and you were not able to find a summer job. I am in my 30s and I have suffered paralysis of 12 years due to not able to get a job during the recession.
You are in fact the issue...well played and in reality no man wanted a masculine acting female...huge turn off...
I remember being constantly put down, berated, threatened, hit, belted and screamed at, and then picked at and blamed for being anxious.
(In adulthood, away from them, I found that I'm naturally quite low in anxiety.)
And it never changes, even if you’re an adult, I say this because my dad tried to beat me as an adult and literally just recently tried to fight my brother, who’s an adult. Being away from crazy and unstable parents is the best thing you could have done.
@@sylviagonzales1680 If anything, it may increase, as they experience one's independence as an overwhelming threat to their needs for domination and control. You have my sympathy for your experiences with this.
blamed for being anxious!
like trying to resolve differences through conversation.......... nope. that's an attack. If i keep trying, I'm aggressive, if I try to keep going and re phrase it, i'm insane. I'm detached from reality. (there is one reality)
Made me just end up quit for a long time. Sabotage, made up stories. Based on their reality. Say anything to talk about it and it's "I don't want to argue". I don't even try now with family. It's sad.
Shallow relationships seem to be find for mother and family. It's interesting how everyone chooses to bow down to insane ideas from a narcissist.
I have to protect myself and my husband from going through this abuse that's amazingly ridiculous. I don't even live near family and I'm ok with that. I'm even hoping to make enough to live in a gated community. I want someone stopped pp from ruining my life and just showing up.
I had an abusive childhood (mental, physical, emotional). My parents made me feel unwanted and put me down whenever they had a chance. However they pretended to be perfect in front of people. I couldn't understand that why was i always anxious. Now although i am a grown man and live by myself, my parents, especially mother who is a narcissist tries to emotionally blackmail me and control my decisions. I wish someone could have helped me while growing up. Now I regret loosing my beautiful childhood and adolescence in vain after undeserving parents. 😢
My father and his wife threw my sister into a therapy/mental institution at 11-12 years old because she was being "difficult". Then they had the nerve to blame how my sister turned out on my grandmothers "mental illness".
When in reality she just wanted to be a child and play and ask questions and learn about things; but that wasn't good enough for my father and his wife who demanded nothing less than perfection from anyone in their orbit. And god forbid someone tell them no or establish boundaries.
Your poor sis, mine left home at 14 but instead of being smart she used everyone along the way, she's 70, twice widowed, mom's 86 and 3 times widowed, I can boost my 1st husband's still alive.. But your poor sis, my son put himself in the physch ward to get out of exams, he's even a licensed nurse now, has his own business and great girlfriend but shame on some docs, all a money maker for them! I knew long ago my parents weren't interested in raising me right, just marrying me off to help themselves somewhere, nope 🙅🏻!😊
Two narcissistic parents. They did / tried similar with me. Always creating and focusing on a 'problem child' when the problem is them. They don't want help. Don't want to work on themselves
Mine called me 'mentally ill' too. Threatened to 'take u to see a psychiatrist ' when I was 11, bcos I was so "withdrawn"...I was frightened and so tried to be more "present"...now I wish they had taken me to the Pdoc
My younger half sister finally tried to take her own life. I wish I knew then what I know now. Our dad and her mom (my stepmom) are/were horrific narcs who never loved us. She was never loved. She was desperate for love as a little girl. She lived 16 years in a wheelchair, paralyzed, blind in one eye and unable to speak after her failed suicide attempt. Our dad could hardly be bothered when she was dying from sepsis to go see her one last time in the ICU.
@@fifilafleur5555
Jesus
The more normal and healthy the behaviour, the more triggered the narcisist is. Calmness is key. Even if we try to stay a bit calmer and we change our emotional location, it changes a lot both internally and externally. I even significantly reduced the amount of coffee I drink in order to avoid too much stimulation. And it works 😊 thank you for brilliant observations and excellent advice. 😊
Don't you just live Mr. Wise?? He really tells us the truth.
Love not live😂
I have to stay after 10 years or watching videos about narcissistic parents on TH-cam, a lot seem to just re-traumatize me and never solve anything, but Jerry actually gives you a functional frame work/mindset about how to get through it. Thank you Jerry for all you do, you are literally saving lives. After being raised by a narc mother and leaving home at 18 I somehow found myself back living with my mother after my father died and she got Parkinson's during covid. So having to go back home and suffer the same abuse at 48 is a complete shock and your videos are helping a lot! Thank you!
These videos and the Out of the FOG forum are my tools. Get on the forum and scream and rant and get hugged, then consult this man on how to move on. *Hugs* because I'm not strong enough. I'd go broke hiring a nurse.
I’m sorry for what happened to you! I would not have cared for my mother and I’m glad that I didn’t (she had back surgery), to me that was grace. While having forgiving her, I’m glad I’m not around her, she was volatile and indifferent. She demonized me to my step dads side of the family even though she was the one physically abusing me off and on for 8 years until I left at 18. I pray God the Father who gives strength and sets us up in high places will keep your heart and mind until you see him. I know things will work out for you!
Ten years is a lot of dwelling.
You have made my life so much better, easier. I worked on me for years, but was missing this final piece of the puzzle to move on to a peaceful, healthy life. I've used every bit of advice you've given, no reactions, no asking questions they're incapable of answering, and all the rest, and lm truly at peace now. Can't thank you enough! ❤😊❤
❤😊❤
Absolutely, good luck to you. ❤
My abusive mother truly hated me for not conforming to her demands, i.e. i will always be the scapegoat in her eyes.
Both of my parents were Narcissistis and thankfully they are both deceased
That makes sense.I felt so guilty for confessing to my therapist I feel I would finally feel relief and peace when they pass on.
my father would always start crying at everything and one day I realized that he's doing to get my emotional support or drain my energy ....even when I cry he would break down crying and make it about himself instead of being there for me for once....and when I stopped supporting him in that way his phone calls got fewer and fewer, never even asking how I was doing....
When there were big problems, my parents reliably called me to action, and I'd take care of them. However, I was otherwise ignored/marginalized. The last interaction I had with my mother was in a grand jury room following the sentencing of the fool who murdered my father. She had asked me to pursue justice, so I did with great success. Post sentencing, the prosecutor made the grave mistake of praising me in front of a crowd. Immediately and repeatedly, Mom stood up and said, "It doesn't matter what (my son) said in there, he doesn't represent the family!" Later, I heard that she was telling people that I offended her by saying, "We have to respect the court", which were the verbatim instructions from the judge.
Though I had already walked away, after walking in on her backbiting and taking our time together out of context to make me look like a fool, her tirade at the time we should have been memorializing my father made it clear walking away was the only option.
Best way to get them out of your head is to walk away.
I love the phrase get your family out of you. My cousin keeps trying to go backwards and get answers and get people in the family to connect. I want to disconnect. I see things for what they have been and how much it set me up for decades of self-doubt and made me a target for others like them especially my late husband. I was so used to having to defer to him and I was a sitting duck to users after he died. I am embarrassed by how much I let people play me. It's so embarrassing.
Don’t be embarassed, it’s happened to so many of us
1:40 Narcissists do plenty of bad things and they expect you to never feel hurt, that's system feelings too. Thank you for this video, it is very helpful!
Anyone else's parents get triggered by how you are parenting your kids in a healthy way? Last week at my son's soccer game I was fully engaged and cheering on my son to the point of not really pay attention to my father. He then starts a conversation with the Dad adjacent to us about how he was a great soccer coach and supporter of my younger brother when he was a child. Notice he wasn't talking about me because I was the neglected and abused one. So he never cared enough to enroll me in a sport and then coach me. He was desperately seeking validation from a stranger.
Once you know the signs you see it so much more clearly and so often. It has to be all about them.
Oh my! This! My father said hubby and I were bad parents because we didn’t “force” our son to go to uni after high school! He’s an adult, it’s his choice!
My mother turned my son against me. He's now a narc to. Keep your kids away from them at all costs.
Ugh isn't their behaviour revolting!? He couldn't let his daughter or grandson have even a moment of joy and attention and made it all about himself.
My husband said the other day when he had to parent our kids when they were arguing with each other at my FIL’s house, my FIL got so mad that my husband briefly wasn’t paying attention to him that he blurted out, “You’re here to visit ME, not talk to them!”
DOMINATION and MANIPULATION are what every type of narcissist is about . As children we are faced into this situation but we can choose who we spend our time around as adults .
proof that they depend on us
My parents are both narcissistic, my brother literally called me last night that his son was acting out in front of my parents and that he got onto his son so he behaves, my dad told my brother to leave his son alone and my brother informed my dad that his son needs to know that him acting up is not okay. My dad literally tried to get physical with my brother…like physically fight my brother over this. I’m convinced narcissists are mental.
They absolutely are. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness.
Ugh my parents are so toxic, controlling and codependent. It is the worst combination! I pull away and happy being my grown up self but both need/want to see me regularly🙄😬 and when I go no contact they play the crazy card and say I am having an episode and not of sound mind!?
I missed piano lesson when I was 8-years-old. I was having a ball freely riding my bike all over the neighborhood and forgot about it. When I got home my mother was purple with rage and unleashed a screaming tirade upon my head. Talk about triggered by a child’s differentiation. Unfortunately my little self disappeared into shame and compliance that day. But Jerry’s information is so helpful - as I heal I’m getting my amazing little girl back - wd’re back in business now 👍🏻💕
It's encouraging to hear you're reconnecting with yourself, and resuming your person growth. Good job 👏
Wrote my family off at the start of this year. It is amazing how much easier my life seems to be now. Suddenly all the negatives in my life have disappeared.
Sometimes any conversation with relatives requires changing emotional location. They naturally dig for information and triangulate. Even as simple as asking if you ate dinner at another relatives house. Tricky. I’ll need to think about how to do that by phone with them. My best option is mostly to avoid.
On one hand the internet/youtube is a place to waste time, on the other hand, it is a place to learn skills to save your life!
1 thing that really gets to the narcissist family is when you tell them that you're done with their nonsense that you're your own person and that you can't just do everything they want you to do and just because they are your family doesn't mean they can treat you this way I've learned that over time and seeing things online that opened my eyes to toxic family and Narcissistic people. I use the word you're as in everyone.
I giggled watching this video 😆 I gave up trying to get on with my mother, my place of safety is currently estrangement.
This guy is spot on! It's so frustrating and I envy others who have parents they can open up to. My dad always goes along with her behavior and doesn't talk to me. LC for years😒
Same . My dad didn’t even wish me a happy birthday this year . I’m 45 & it still hurts. He’s made his choice . At least I know the truth now and can move on .
@@orangecat1672 my mom is the NM, it sucks 😒
My parents passed away, finally from natural causes and old age. I am just now in my 70s realizing the havoc they wrecked upon my life. I have always blamed myself for my poor relationship with them and my ability to face the world. I’ve come along way and spent 12 years in therapy.
Mr. Wise is hitting all my high points and giving me a lot to think about. I’m starting to realize that maybe it wasn’t my fault.
Were you sad when they passed away? Or did you feel Relief?
I hope this begins a cycle of relief, healing and a new lightness of being for you.
@@a.dahliaadler2566 that is a good question! I felt sad because I remembered some kindness of theirs. I was always grateful for crumbs. And I always thought I could make everything better, which you can’t do when they die. But I did feel relieved that I would not have to cope with the craziness anymore. Aging narcissist are nightmare to deal with.
Sometimes I wonder If I would cry when they passed away. I think I will not
Same, I don’t think I’ll cry..I’m just so used to not having them around.
@@sylviagonzales1680 I might cry as a release, or mourning what never was, but I wonder as well.
Going no contact, often the only option we have, really disempowers the narc offenders. They will do outrageous things trying to get in touch with you.
Not sure what it takes to get a restraining order. Probably getting beat up would do it.
Mostly just disappear and dont tell anyone in contact with your family. That person will throw you under the bus for "the family".
More accurately neutralize the witness to the crime.
I was the only one in my family who had to go to therapy but my sister and my brother are both alcoholics and very secretive. I'm delighted that they picked on me and made me the one who had to go get help because it made me get the f*** away from them
This video really puts in perspective the kinds of emotional games that people like to play, then gaslight you if u bite.
So what?? Is a perfect mantra😜
Jerry your videos are so healing. I am so sorry that some may not understand what we have all been through they won't until they experience the narc dynamic! . Thank you for all that you do!
❤🌸
Basically they are constantly manipulating. I tried that tonight on mom. I said what she wanted. She really opened up after that. Interesting.
My parent's entire agenda was about control. They wanted to control what I did and who I was with and what I would do in the future. When my parents visited, if I didn't do what they wanted from the second they arrived, I got a load of rage. If I did what I wanted to do, I got rage. Their visits turned into fights soon after they came out. The time from them coming out to descending into a fight kept getting shorter and shorter until the last time I saw them when it started as soon as they entered my house. My father came in with a prepared speech about how angry he was and my mother just looked angry. Their visit, their last visit, such as it was, ended that same night.
I tried for decades to get along with them. Nothing I did worked because I couldn't get past their anger and rage. I went no contact in 2006 and it was the best thing I ever did. They are now both gone. And I can honestly say I don't miss them at all. It is nice to just be happy and get along with people and not gear up for whatever the fight will be this time. There are no more fights. That all ended when they left this earth.
Same with my parents, my mom especially always tried to control who I was friends with, what I wore, who I dated and what career I chose. All hell broke loose when I met my husband and I wouldn’t break up with him, I no longer speak to them and I’m at peace with it. I only wish they kept my name and my children’s names out of their mouths.
@@sylviagonzales1680 - Wow, do I ever hear you. I went thourgh everything you just wrote about, except with your kids because I don't have any kids.
You brought up more stuff my mother did. When I didn't date in high school she asked if I was gay. When I met my future husband and started dating him she said how much she didn't like him. She even wrote me a horrible letter after one of her huge rages about everything she angry about. Of course she included my husband, who was polite and nice to her at all times.
You mentioned your clothes. Same here. My mother told me I looked shabby. She said my cousin looked better than I did. She hated my clothes and always let me know about it. She also hated my hair and told me about that, too.
Any time I was around her it was always bad. She never stopped with insults and blew sky high if I questioned them. I dreaded my parent's visits. They always wanted to go out to eat and the waitress was never fast enough in bringing the menus or the food. My father also complained about the food, and of course called the waitress over and let her know about it.
My mother got angry if we went to a mall and I went to a store I was wanted to go to. She wouldn't go into the store. She would stand outside, her arms folded across her chest, looking angry. Then she would do big gestures from ourside the store for me to leave it. She only wanted to go to the stores she wanted to go to.
In other words, it was all bad, all the time, my entire life with my parents. I envied people who got along with their parents and could even have fun with them. Fun was not in their vocabulary. I could never act like they did with anyone. What a waste. At least it is over now.
@@marilyndee969 I’m sorry you went through all that but my mom has always been that way about my looks and even up until the last time I talked to them she always made comments about what I wore. She literally would say things like “you look like trash”. As a mom myself I look at my own children and don’t see how any parent can say stuff like that to their children.
@@sylviagonzales1680 - Did your mother and my mother attend a special course on how to treat your own daughter in a horrible manner? Maybe they co-taught the course themselves.
How simply dreadful that your mother said that to you about your clothes. I got told I looked shabby. My mother would look at me with a look of disgust on her face, super exagerated, of course. How can they act like that? As you wrote, how can they say that to their children?
I also have no idea what they got out of it. After they would insult us, did it give them satisfaction? What was in it for them? I would feel awful if I thought I hurt someone's feelings, let alone doing it deliberately.
At least they are all gone. And neither you now I act like they did. So we both broke the cycle they were in. So it all ends with us.
@@marilyndee969 exactly and that’s what I tell my brothers also (both my brothers now suffer from depression and anxiety because of my parents), that it’s up to us to break toxic cycles of abuse.
Omg, this is exactly how my boyfriend's mother behaves around people. It always has to be about her feelings, needs, and wants. 99% of the time, it's about her desire to be the center of attention and control everything around her, including how people should feel or behave to avoid triggering her. Everyone has to appease her, or else she throws emotional tantrums, becomes defensive, confrontational, and manipulative. I almost broke up with my boyfriend, but I made it clear that I would not tolerate any toxic or narcissistic behaviour from his mother. Now, her latest tactic is claiming she might have 'dementia' despite not being appropriately treated for her depression, anxiety, obsessions, compulsions and narcissism just to excuse her manipulative actions. If I didn't love my boyfriend so much, I would have already ended things, because his mother is just too much. Thankfully, I can read her like a book, predict her strategies, and choose not to react and do my best to ahem any kind of private chat with her, and not be around her as much as possible. My sanity and mental health come first.
This is exactly what I'm going through with my boyfriend. On top of that he doesn't communicate well. His mom doesn't know how to handle me because I'm older than him and I can see STRAIGHT through her! But I'm hanging on by a thread!
You are a so powerful human being Jerry, so inspiring!! thank you
Jerry, we really appreciate you and all the hard work you put into these videos. You have truly opened my eyes to things I was so blind to. It’s really nice to have a safe community where we can all share stories, experiences, and advice.
God bless you!
Yes, thank you Jerry 💛
I had to save my life and never heard from my family of origin again. I was 53, am 57 now. Kind of wish I'd died before I woke up
You are worthy of a good life. I am 54 and have had passive suicidal ideation since I was 5 years old. Now it makes sense. Sending hugs🐝☀️
@@mollymclean-xj3qd Thank you 🤗
I regretfully admit my unconditional love towards my parents blinded me completely for 40 years before I realized everything this man in this video is 100% true. Thankfully my parents are both gone from this world now. ❤🙏
Thank you 🙏 for posting. The information you are posting is priceless. I wish the world had access to it 20-30 years ago..
Some people should have to wear a warning.
😶 I'm going through a very difficult time. It's always push-pull energy that I'm tired of. Your videos, time and again, bring me back to the centre. Thanks for helping people understand the specific situations/people that we have in the family itself.
Be blessed! 😇
Excellent video! I made the comment on another one of your videos that I don't like to allow the destructively abusive narcissist to feel comfortable in their projection and lies, so my go-to response is "That's you, not me", and variations of that.
This video shows they haven’t cognitive empathy and have their feelers out, for whether your default is open, malleable and compliant, so they can reach in, stir the pot, yank your chain, control, manipulate. Think about it maybe in terms of, “How much of myself am I owning?” Does the narcissist, particularly a narcissistic parent, own me emotionally, intellectually, etc.? If so, how much and how comfortable doing feel with myself, then and my relationship with them, to reel that in, as needed? Do I feel empowered to do so or have I handed the reigns to them?”
You are so fantastic explaning!
My mum keeps telling me, at my age (52): "shut up, shut up, shut up... Apologize to me!" for not offence at all. Even told me recently that my personality hurts her deeply. She is never mistaken, she has nothing to learn. We all are guilty for all her bad results. So who wants enemies having such family?!😅
I loved this! It all makes so much sense. You could be talking about my in-laws! Fortunately my husband has changed his emotional location, and they don’t know what to do with him now. Thank you, Jerry!
Made me just end up quit for a long time. Sabotage, made up stories. Based on their reality. Say anything to talk about it and it's "I don't want to argue". I don't even try now with family. It's sad.
Shallow relationships seem to be fine for mother and family. It's interesting how everyone chooses to bow down to insane ideas from a narcissist.
I have to protect myself and my husband from going through this abuse that's amazingly ridiculous. I don't even live near family and I'm ok with that. I'm even hoping to make enough to live in a gated community. I want someone stopped at a gate. Nobody needs to just be showing up.
I was taught from an early age to never look dad in the eye, because he considered that a rebellious challenge from kids. Took a long time to get over that with mentors and training.
Brilliant thank you 🎉🎉🎉
Thank you ! This time what you are saying is exactly the road I am on right now.
You are so welcome
THANK YOU❤ from Germany! ❤😊🙏🙏❤️🌸 My Inner Child feels so seen now. ❤😃🌸
**manipulative comment to affect the algorithm positively**
Thank you Mr. Wise🙏🏼
The actionable statements- feel like integrity- thank you for walking us thru how to shut down gossip and offense.
A bad trait of mine is intuitively seeing the play of system feelings. I call this a flooding or smearing us with their emotions. My bad habit is dismissing- and doing the next right thing- and assuming that the untrue systems feelings will eventually exhaust itself. Saying these neutral words you’ve framed feels very validating. It holds the other person accountable in an awkward moment they’ve created.
Good points
Dealing with this kind of people is a science
The perspectives of physics, systems, and philosophy lead to fundamental solutions to problems with them.
7:07 is GOLDEN! I Am telling you this is key.
Hello, Jerry. Just like always your videos are on time.
Love your comment about "so what" - for me, when my mother was trying to exercise control over me my comment was "whatever" which irked her and I knew she hated that expression, so it was my go-to to her meanness toward me.
That very thoughtfully considerate
My condolences to her family.
It's interesting how they can "have" completely different feelings when talking with one adult child vs another. The golden child who does everything they want, slavishly, is told happily, "We're doing great, everything's fine." One minute later they call up the individualized child in another state and sound weepy, anxious, pitiable, and needy - because even though they're doing fine, they miss having control over everyone. They want that adult child too back near them to be used - except in that case, used with cruelty, because they not only want more slaves, they rely on the scapegoat to be their emotional punching bag and trash can. Comparing notes between siblings, comparing together the version of reality they are being presented by the narcissistic parent(s), can be very interesting.
Yes👏🏽 I turned 18 yesterday and with becoming a legal adult I've just sorta gained more of this autonomy and voice that I've always had I'm just more vocal now not afraid to speak out I'm sure this will anger them since they'll try their best to control me as if I'm not an adult smh, I assume they are in denial when their children become adults
My family has a trio of narcissists (dad, mom, golden child oldest sister playing only child) we are 58. 56, & I am 54. It gets worse. Unfortunately now our parents are 79 & 82 and she, with my parents full endorsement, are enmeshed beyond belief. She talks to them 3 times a day and calls them her best friends. My mom says she and my dad have a “special” relationship. My middle sister was bullied by the three of them from birth. I was also bullied at home and at school. The trio mocked me relentlessly and still do. Anyway, could go on and on. Just wanted to say…we are in our 50’s, so grateful to learn this info. even now.
Great advise. Pull back and atop trying to work them out and be in their head. What's in their head is a very messy place and I have enough problems! Parents Andre Kent to lift their child up but instead they drag us down into the mud. I was trauma bonded to my mother, now I'm not though I can get triggered, it's so much less confusing! My mother made me psychologically responsible for her feelings and my father's feelings and rend anyone else she could think of. I was compliant.
Jerry, your words are precise and brings peace after years of subtle invalidation
Narc Parents Lash Out to get you back in line:
😮
when you don't comply with their Narc enmeshment / systems feelings
😮
when you detach from Narc enmeshment / and you remain calm and detached
😮
you become self-focused rather than focusing on their internal world (if you want the narcissist out of your head, stay out of theirs - don't argue, analyze, or react)
😮
your inner boundaries will trigger them (narcs sense they have no impact on you anymore:
"So what? Okay? It's a Coca cola. Thats you not me.") use your filter for negative, abusive crap
😮
we are non-reactive and calm to their triggers (they feel powerless to effect you)
Σε ευχαριστώ, με βοηθάει πολύ που τα γράφεις και τα μεταφράζω!!❤
Boomer Parents OFTEN = Narcissistic Parents
Gen X would like to have a word.
Narcissism also runs in the family, so it can basically happen to any generation/person. I don't think any one generation is to blame but I do know what you mean about boomers having a sense of self entitlement.
It's very difficult to break the cycle you don't aren't aware you're in, most people will not self investigate and self reflect and realize their shortcomings.
@@mattvdh Yep, I don't think it's biological though - people need to break the trauma cycle rather than copying and/or 'If u can't beat them join them' defence strategies.
Hi Jerry. I so enjoyed this lesson. I'm 76 and I can remember my mother & father playin these horrible games with my head. Thank you for putting a name to what was going on. Thanks for explaining what I had no way of understanding as a child or as a young adult. You have a great day too.
I just want to be happy, fulfilled and away from their insanity, especially my father’s. Your work is invaluable Dr. Wise it’s very important for every family scapegoat to hear.
I m new to your channel and enjoying your wisdom....at 69, my self esteem is finally intact....boundaries are getting easier....I had narcissistic Dad....then husband/now ex...then I realize my adult daughter is "bent" that way too....she was the hardest to say no too, but I did....and now I live in peace n contentment...able to maintain facetime contact with her children after the fallout...🙌💯❤️🩹🌀🦉✅
Once I've learned how to set boundaries and stooped caving in to the emotional pressure - my mom kind of lost interest. She doesn't call, doesn't share, doesn't offer advice, it's now some kind of a technical relationship, based on "political correctness".
Everything you said has been my experience.. When I stopped reacting it made them react even more.. Not only does that go for my parents but it also went with my environment when I moved back..
I like the image of the scrubber😅
Nice video of letting people know about the law of detachment. Many a times, we conclude not doing or saying anything as the narcissist may be a part of life..family or friends or spouses. Well, I want all to know, we may talk to those people, but to know, that we have the universe/ the heavenly powers of the almighty to get them for their wrongs by not their control over their karma. That’s absolute power and freedom…
I’m 30 now and I’m happy that over years I’ve only learnt detachment and no expectations…today I’m attached to none…absolutely no one good or bad…so I’m happy in life.
Brilliant. Thank you, 🦋
Listen to advice at 7:03. Thanks Jerry!
I love the concept of systems feelings…. It sums it up so well
"That's a systems feeling "
Great video, this applies to all narcissists, not just parents.
If you want them out of your head, stay out of theirs! 🫶🏼
they forced theirs into mine as a child…. now i can’t get it the fuck out
@@こなた-m1o It’s a struggle for me, but I try to catch my thoughts and redirect it! I try to clear my energy often and create a list of past crap I don’t want to consume me and burn it. At 50, I am tired of the Narc and I try my very best to transmute my energy to empower me rather than take from me!
@@こなた-m1o Also, I started to undo their BS and realize that I am worthy and I started to love myself! Once I started loving myself, I didn’t need their validation! Call your power back …cut the energetic cords! You got this! Wishing you all the best!
Wow. You just named something that I have never been able to put words to. System feelings or something. It was a major revelation and I love the part about the scrubber. I have been doing that without realizing it. Been doing a lot of what you are saying, bc I've been led by God to, and now I know why things have gotten so much worse!!! 😂 I have to laugh bc I'm autistic, just found out, and I live with my narcissistic parents. Pray for me. If I had the money I would take your course and plan on doing it soon as I do. God bless you. ❤
Very true. It applies to all narc relationships.
Just found your channel. Actually just started coming up on my feed. What I like about your videos is that you touch on subjects other channels don't talk about. The little things I've felt w my narcissistic parent but never heard another therapist mention these things. Thank you because now I know my feelings concerning these things are real.
Your comments reveal wisdom, and courage to share what you know. Thank you.