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When I'm alone and someone comes into my space it feels like I was caught "being" or "existing". It feels like I'm about to be attacked, punished, berated, etc.
My partner comes from a difficult family system and expressed this to me once. Prior to him explaining how he felt, I’d sometimes suspect he might be doing something nefarious based on his reaction of startle and shame when I walked into the room unexpectedly sometimes. Turns out he was just punished and criticized for being a kid/person for so long.
Omg I transferred to another location at my job and my new female boss has npd. My parents had different manifestation of dysfunction, my mom codependent but also had some warmth. This women is giving me ptsd. It's like when she approaches I feel I'm doing something wrong by existing. So critical, so negative, you would think I was awful. I always get stellar reviews. We work like dogs in healthcare while she lollygags and then she complains were not fast enough while training! I feel so bad for her kids and it reminds me she's the mother. !! My dad was the problem I shudder to think of having such a cold mean mother. When she comes out of her office I thought today oh no the dragon 🐉 is emerging from it's lair. 😬 I'm working on my escape plan asap. So sad to be reminded these people exist and they're somebody's mother! 😳
I was locked in my room for hours nearly each day for reasons I will never know. There was a chain On the outside from age of two. I was told all kinds of lies. I shut down and focused on academemics as my escape plan form about the age of five, until I handed in my thesis and was on a plane never to return. I made it. Took another 20:yrs to undo all the knots and find self love
I have two more to add: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and moods. I grew up surrounded by narcissists. Both of my parents. My three older siblings.
@@bernadette573 I completely relate. Me and my siblings could all make the same mistake, and I would be the only one called out for it. And nothing I did right was ever seen as good enough.
Yes, yes, yes - Feeling on edge. Waiting for that other shoe to drop and also the overemphasis on, sometimes total, of Others happiness; Always, if others get upset have to fix it ‐ then become a "weirdo", deemed selfish, because needed So much alone time & sleep! Thank God it's now time to heal.
I’m not so young either and went no contact 7 years ago with my family of origin. My eyes were opened and the stuff I thought was normal I seen clearly was not. Hey at least we have seen some die with the lie.
@@christinerobertson9596always way worse at the end I’ve been listening to hospice nurses on TH-cam talk about that. A narcissistic person flares towards the end!
Symptoms of NPD abuse: 😢Smile your way through hell 😢Loneliness, isolation, lack of lasting relationships 😢startled by everything (ptsd response) 😢changing your behavior when someone enters the room 😢feeling overwhelming guilt and shame in normal life (job eval - you feel waves of shame) 😢overshare or secretive 😢struggle with authority 😢seeing good families and wanting that 😢regressing w parents 😢we don't know ourselves (our thoughts,feelings,preferences) ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
The last one on the list hits home the most. I have asked counsellors since my early twenties to help me understand who I am, how I feel what I want. I haven’t found the right support with this yet and now that I am in my mid 50s I am losing hope. How can I still be so clueless and feel like a child yet I am a mature adult who should know who I am at this juncture in my life. I appreciate the existential experience but it is not enough to just know things weren’t okay in my childhood and beyond. Now what? I can start by listening to the free seminars I suppose. Thank you for moffering access to these for free 😊
Being hypervigilant and monitoring my siblings' behavior so as to keep them off my father's radar. It was a way of trying to control the only variable that was in my power to exert some control over that might prevent a blow up of my father.
Confrontation--exactly! I made a pledge to confront a bureaucrat as part of my activism last spring. Months later, the memory of the bureaucrat, who doubtlessly forgot all about me in 5 minutes, still causes my stomach to clench.
My mother was extremely violent, when people get angry I have a bodily reaction like I become tachycardic my body is getting ready to be attacked but it doesn't happen, but I still react to confrontation like they are going.to try to kill me it's scary, I can't deal with angry people as an adult
My husband gets mad at me for loving my alone time so much. Being alone doesn't bother me. I don't have to deal with any one else's emotions or possibly do anything wrong on accident. Having friends is a waste of time. Every single one I've had always hurts me in the end so I'm okay not having a bunch of friends.
I had 4 friends who dropped me and accused me of things that i never did. Then this year i made a new friend, but she started to treat me badly, despising my easy job, making fun of my slow pace, making fun of my feelings for my cats. I think people are triggered by my kindness, politeness, and tolerance. Is it possible?
@@ChandChandramukhi Absolutely, they just want to attack you and give you a bad feeling about yourself, because you are friendly and they are not and they are mostly very insecure, unhappy people. Just stay away from those people as far as you can, for your own benefit. ❤️
That’s a lot to carry! Acknowledging it is a strong step forward. I recommend joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
Something that I have experienced, in addition to the fantasising about being a part of a fuctional family, is feeling pain when you see parents being attentive and affectionate towards their children. Witnessing that parental warmth hurts my heart and has caused me to well up in public.
วันที่ผ่านมา +2
Your experience of that specific kind of searing pain in the heart💔 How tears welling up feel like broken glass. I’ve had that experience
me too - absolutely that motto - 'dammed if I do, dammed if I don't' - just said it recently to my oldest sister earlier this month (she's still angry with me for something _she_ and another sister did to me earlier this year)
It was clarified to me at age three (a good chance my father was drunk--but I didn't know what that was) that any mistake I made was because I wasn't thinking enough and that the damage would be permanent. It wasn't until recently with "Wise" advice that I trotted that notion back out for reexamination. I'm still dealing with paralysis on important tasks--If I don't think enough, I'm sure I'll do it all wrong!
Yeah, I remember my mom freaking out over me having a flat tire on my bike. She went hysterical mode over the smallest thing, laying on the floor pounding with her fists and feet like a toddler while screaming. Grandpa called them "fits"
That feeling of deep loneliness is what I have tried to escape my whole life. Having happy relationships seems like a dream. And yes, oversharing... paid dearly for my naivety! But I've hopefully learnt
@@Sundaylamb3Always felt I wasn't good enough. But am learning that nobody is perfect. I just wish I could get rid of self sabotaging, it's better nowadays but am not sure how I'd behave with a great person. Like to think I'd feel an equal - finally. Guess most of us struggle with self-worth, hopefully we'll be able to recover with this new-found knowledge ❤
@@SibyllaCumana I also wish to overcome self sabotaging. With exercises to act out in a healthy way decades long suppressed anger and disgust (two emotions that rise up during boundary crossings that weren't safe for us to express towards our "care" givers) and exercises to increase capacity (orienting for example) I hope things will change (better self awareness, -esteem). My goal is to feel safe, secure under people, no more childlike behavior so they see I am no threat and so on. Hate being a narc magnet with these behaviors. "Anger As Medicine: How to Cure Self-Sabotaging Behaviours" by Irene Lyon
@@SibyllaCumana I seem to keep attracting them but that's not true. I just dismantle them very soon because I am unable to meet their expectations from the very first attempt they try to cross my boundaries. A "No" (that I say) is for them an invitation to try to make me say Yes and the more disempowered I feel the higher the chance that I say Yes even though I make myself sick when I do what they want from me. Self hate, "I, my intuition, knew it, that it's not good for me, why did I say Yes" - another opportunity for me to exercise empathy for myself. Sometimes I am just curious and want to take opportunities to see if I can stay present, if my exercises show effect or if I still need more practice. Yes, still need more. I dissociated (shutdown freeze response) last time due to an emotional flashback (highly triggering "social worker" that acted just like my mother. I'm the boss, you're nothing!). That's ok. I know we can make it, let the past behind us and make the best out of all we experienced and endured. Maybe we write a book, volunteer and make great experienced Zen-like teachers (I want to become a Laughter Yoga teacher).
Number 10 was the beginning of my knowing that something was terribly wrong in the household I grew up in. After I moved away from home and saw others parent/child relationships, my eyes started to see all the damage that was done. All the other signs I experienced as well. My heart goes out to anyone that had to live through this.
Same here. My mother used to isolate me from friend's and their family. It shocked me to see what a "normal' family looked liked and functioned. I didn't realize how effed up my parents were and how they treated us was not 'normal".
Thank God my friend's parents treated me like a normal kid - they knew what I dealt with in my family. They are long gone, but when I pass, I want to see them again up there, and thank them!!@
I'm so sorry. I too am a 45 year old mother of two grown men and a mom who thinks I am not capable of being an adult and able to live my own life and make my own decisions. This is why she lives in Georgia and I live in Nevada close to California
@@LorettaRyden it's definitely for the best that there's distance. It's weird.... She doesn't think I'm capable, but yet will want me to parent her when she can't regulate herself. It's maddening as hell, that's for sure. Out of 5 kids (I'm the middle) I'm the only one she does this to.
I've realized I still become totally on edge when the front door opens or closes. Only when my ex is here, but still - it's a fcking DOOR and I become TERRIFIED and want to tell whoever it is to stop...what....OPENING AND CLOSING A DOOR?! Being human is so phcked sometimes.
I had to move out of a beautiful apartment because I could hear the neighbour upstairs walking around. It reminded me too much of my mother angrily marching around the house when I was a small child. I could never relax.
Same here. My father had this thing about noise (specifically if I made a noise he didn't like). One particular incident I was sat on the sofa next to my mother and he acvused me of slamming a door (I had not, I was outside just before and shut my rabbits cage door), he started to pound his fists on my thighs trying to get me to admit it. As admit kid he would say he was going to sleep in the day because he was tired (in the living room) so I'd have to creep around him and not talk. It was miserable.
Because that is more specific to ****individual coping responses****. That avenue of coping is under a larger umbrella that can be in form of many other interests/needs. It depends on each persons history & specific personality which way they'll go. This video is an overview of the most common denomenators/generalized behavior traits indicating seriously problematic upbringing - in general. Some turn to animals with deep connection, some become deeply, even obsessively invested in animals welfare/rescue. Others pour all that into trying to have "repair relationships" & investment in other people... or becoming completely consumed by their career/workaholic. For some it is gardening, pet plants, or some other hobby or skill that becomes all consuming. And for others, they cope by detaching from all such connections... keeping their lives clear of anything that could be taken away, create liability, or used against them somehow. But these can't be used as identifiers in & of themselves. Some very normal, well-raised folks take on "missions" in life, or have deeply invested connections to animals or other concerns/interests.
having a pet is safe. They don't judge, don't get angry, don't lie to you or hurt your feelings or stab you in the back. They're always there for you. Their love for you is genuine you'll never have to wonder about that and they won't cheat on you or steal from you.
@ateachableheart2649 Yes! My dog is what got me through my childhood, age 5 to 17. The only time I didn't have a dog since then was while I was away in college. I think it's the unconditionally love that goes both ways.
I never realized just how bad my own childhood was until I had my own children. I have basically raised them by just always doing the opposite of whatever my parents did (ex., frequent moves = no moves, yelling = no yelling, do as I tell you = tell me about you, don't tell anyone = nothing to tell, etc. etc.) But your list for me is spot on.
I have always had trouble finding friends. However, I have a pen friend I've known for 20 years. We have a lot in common and he is my best and really only friend. Bc he lives in another country, we dont have physical contact but even having a true friend at arms length is better than no friend at all. Thank you for your invaluable insights Dr. Wise ❤
To paraphrase Mark Twain When I was a boy of 14, my family was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have them around. But when I got to be 28, I was astonished at how insufferable they really were because they are all just idiot alcoholics and walked out.
The main pain point is the idea that my existence is unwanted by my “creators”. And there’s no way to fight or change yourself in order to “earn your right to exist”. I notice that people who don’t carry this primal trauma have no way of understanding how it influences absolutely everything.
Right there with you. I realize this week I was the non person. Didn't know I existed untill 4 months pregnant. Was 7 months pregnant at my 1st birthday and I'm #4 of 6. Just a house or sex slave. Didn't notice that I needed a bra until I was size B, 10 or 11 maybe? So trauma at conception. Yea for us!
@@quran_wrhso in your world I was supposed to be born to such bad parents? That I was supposed to endure 5 years of sexual abuse starting at 8? Where was God???????
@@andreapeters981 🙏And We will set up the balances of equity for the Day of Resurrection, so no soul will be wronged in anything; and though it be the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it. And sufficient are We as account-takers. (Quran 21/47) And when My servants ask you concerning Me: I am near. I respond to the call of the caller when he calls to Me. So let them respond to Me, and let them believe in Me, that they might be guided. (Quran 2/186)
Yes. Recognizing, understanding, and accepting that the conception was not completely wanted by both is a tall mountain for the progeny to climb. The tell is the parents don't see or hear the child.
I didn’t know I was highly masking highly functioning anxiety and cptsd. Criticism would jolt my heart and I would begin to silently panic, sweat and want to flee
I know right? A very apt name for this lovely man. Jay Reid is another good soul on YT who really understands. Only a recovered scapegoat could understand.
I am just realizing how neglected I was.I was in 3rd grade when I got my eyes checked and got my first pair of glasses. It was my teacher seeing me squint at the blackboard. I could not see the blackboard at all. I could follow what was happening in class until she wrote on the blackboard. My 6:49 best friend would let me copy her math problems, not the answer. When I got glasses, there was no apologies. When I first put them on, I could see blades of grass and every leaf on a tree, it was magic. My mother said remarked to her mother that :"I thought she just wanted to be in the center of everything", not " OMG my daughter has been almost blind for 8 years, why didn't I see that". What a strange thing to say.
Similar for me . Teacher brought my vision loss up with my mother . Then, when I had to get glasses I was called down for looking ugly in them , and that no one in the family ever had glasses . As if it were a shameful thing . I’m 72 now and doing ok in life, likely better prepared for being alone and marginalized as a senior . More careful and distrusting than most too, so immune to scams or being taken advantage of .
She sounds just like my mum - when I was 3 somehow or other I broke my arm my mother didn't bother to take me to a doctor until someone pointed out to her "I think you daughter has a broken arm" and when I was 6 a boy smashed a roller-skate in my face and broke my nose - again she did not bother to take me to a doctor - true - and like your mum she was always saying that "I wanted to be the centre of attention all the time" - needless to say I loathe her with a passion
My teacher in first grade noticed I needed glasses. I couldn't see the board and started crying because I thought I would get in trouble for not being able to do the work. My teacher was very kind, asking why I was crying, and I didn't want to say. I was afraid to say I couldn't see. Imagine that - I thought I was bad, because I had blurry vision. At age 6 or 7.
By the way, from a body and mind connection perspective - children who develop myopia is because of the contraction of the eye muscles. Why do the eye muscles contract? From fear. This is how specific this is - a disapproving glance from a parent in childhood. "Disapproving" can be substituted to "angry", "contempt" etc... Myopia is often associated with escape from the reality that surrounds. So, if you had myopia from childhood, you may find that by healing from your narc parents, your eyesight will improve or totally recover!
I was trying to run away, to better Moms, but they all gave me back to my parents 😔 I really asked for help my hole life, better never got it! So I tried to be so helpful as I could be, for Karma will.... until now, it didn't worked out, but I'm very low in energy! All I'm wishing is 1 human in my life which I can count and lean on for a short time 😢
Yes on the normalizing “loneliness and isolation”. I’m also hyper vigilant. “Small noises” startle me because I would always listen to sounds outside my bedroom door to know if my parents were coming to insult and scream at me.
I grew up with a monster, so i fear failure and displeasing others, it come with lots of pain. I struggled for years with feelings of inadequacy. I did go through a time that i couldn't keep a job because I felt guilt, shame and judgment constantly. I seek being solitude so i can never be judged or belittled. I can't stand anyone saying anything about what I'm doing [good or bad]. I'm 55 and went non contact 32yrs ago, and i still struggle with my reaction to perceived treats. I wish..........peace! I have no idea why I'm writing this, maybe its because i feel beyond help.
I feel for you. If it helps, I can tell you that I am in my 70s and only in the last ten years have started my journey of trying to be the person I was meant to be. It's different for everyone, the timescale, the struggle. There's no absolute formula, but this podcast is such a help. Please believe you are not alone. ❤
Hi, I’m 72 and would like to send you a hug. I also had a similar situation, very unwanted and neglected . I became a Christian and it changed my life. Now I have fellowship with trustworthy women who lift my spirits . I’m definitely wanted there , and I know God loves me .
About criticism is beyond help. We have been attacked so many times, that our survival instincts are triggered. I feel like an wounded animal in the jungle in many social situations. People are mean and overconfident that they know all the answers. What I started doing to help communicating better with people close to me is to set a boundary. I simply say that I grew up in a very judgmental family environment, so I don't accept criticism, as I already enjoy my own self-destructive critical authority on the inside. I say the truth that feedback is pointless as only a few people could give constructive feedback and it is usually not applicable as it refers to their understanding of life, work, relationships. I will gladly ask for their opinion and advice and appreciate any feedback, but on my request. At work, I show early that I don't care about any positive or negative feedback coming from colleagues, so they better stay out of my way with their little opinions. From time to time I request their opinion in an open way, so they feel heard and seen, even when I don't need it. When someone tries to trigger an emotional reaction from me, I know I am in the presence of someone with some personality disorder and treat them as they are a mental case. This helps to navigate, so I don't feel so attacked all the time, even if I am. What I've learned about how this trauma works is that we are the people who appreciate constructive feedback the most and have the ability to learn and change from it. I have experienced that several times in my life.
I couldn't share anything with my mom. She disapproved of everything..my friends especially..unless they were from church. She Had to control every aspect of my life. I had to hide the most innocent things. For example, I had to hide under the covers after I went to bed at night, so that I could listen to my little radio. I love music, still to today, but she didn't like it, so I had to hide. Oh man, I could write a book. I walked out the door when I was 16, and I never went back.
My mother was similarly hyper-critical over the smallest and most inconsequential things. I remember, when I was 17, sitting in the family room, just minding my own business and watching a rock band called Rush performing on TV, she swooped up behind me and said, "Turn that off! It's kid stuff!" Meanwhile, she knew nothing about the band, nor that it was not only wildly popular with teenagers, but with young adults too and even some middle-aged people. My reading now of hyper-critical people is that they are often weak and insecure people who feel the need to overcriticize others as a defence mechanism.
I didn't realize how damaged I was until I was in my 50's - always needed to please, overcompensated with "leadership" qualities thereby became attractive to losers. Took a few years to regain/rebuild my true self and get rid of fake relationships especially enablers of narcissistic abuse by my mother (family, friends, pastors, etc). Finally, by the grace of God, I am slowly healing and at peace with only a handful of people in my life at 60.
I have to say that having autism definitely amplified all of these things even more 😔 I wasn't aware of what it was that was different about me growing up, but realized that I was autistic at 30 years old. It made everything make sense all of a sudden. All the shame that was put on me and that I felt as a child was linked to the fact that I wasn't like other kids, and now I know it was not my fault. I wish I had known much earlier 💔
Getting yelled at or told to do something horrible or disgusting to you, when supposedly it was "normal" and for me, being told "Shut up" every day, being bullied and assaulted in and outside of school everyday, not getting any professional support or a diagnosis until my 40s when i knew since I was 4 and being tortured by your senses, always getting sick, people getting mad because you communicate differently or need people to me more clear and concise to understand. Developing cPTSD. 😔
Yes, know that feeling well. Had a wonderful fourth grade teacher who spent time explaining what we would do in class that day, that week, what we might learn, special trips. She presented such a prepared and nuanced world where she wanted us to know what was coming, and what was expected, it was the first time I felt comfortable and learned to anticipate pleasant activities. She changed my life doing ordinary things (ordinary for normals) but to me it was a glimpse of paradise.
I still jump from noises. My dad had a hair trigger temper, I remember being in my room waiting for him to hit me, and hearing the footsteps coming, my anxiety peaking 😢.
For me, one of the things that stand out the most from my childhood is the insane levels of open and obvious lying my parents did. Sometimes it was like reality was forbidden in our home. We had to look and act perfect every second of the day even though it was all so fake everyone could see right though it.
My dad raged out this one night, jumped up out of his chair, but he landed on my ankle, and sprained it really badly, it was almost broken. He took me to the hospital 🏥, and I had to tell the nurse I fell down the stairs, gotta keep up appearances at all times 😅. I feel that
I realized something only recently, and it's pretty profound and seismic. I'm gay and I have two narcissistic parents. Throughout my 20s/30s, I would find myself spontaneously in a rather melancholy mood and saying out loud without even thinking about it, "I want to go home." Often with a sigh, and even if I already happened to be home, at my apartment, whatever. I knew this didn't mean my parents house, because I definitely didn't want to go there, and for a long time this perplexed me. I realize now is that once you understand your sexual orientation and know that your parents will never accept you as you are, you never feel safe at their home again. I'd lost that around the ages of 12-15, and I couldn't ever get it back. The desire to return 'home' was a desire to return to a place of safety and acceptance that I hadn't had since my early adolescence. I imagine a lot of children of narcissistic parents feel the same way.
Yes. I still don't know where home is (in my 70s) but am learning to be happy with elements of what I need, even if I don't have it all. I hope you find some peace. ❤
I do this too. And I am more afraid than ever to go to my “home” because my dad is there. My mom died recently and although she wasn’t a good parent either she was the “safe” option. I literally can’t go “home” without fearing for my safety.
Dearest Jenny Jones- stay away and keep yourself dafe. You deserve peace and safeness. You owe your father nothing. Also you are experiencing what is complex grief. Take care and look after yourself in very small everyday ways. I send compassion your way.
one of my parental units is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath. every bullet point is the type of adult that kind of parent churns out. especially the startle response, even panic attacks. thank you for offering this video. ✨
i've always felt like my parents were super unaccepting of who i wanted to be deep down inside, and they were ashamed of me, and in my opinion it prevented me from growing up while also making me feel like i was super old in spirit because of how hard it was to cope with being ashamed of myself.
Holy Spirit, direct me in my career, and finances. As a single mother with two children with special needs life is an overwhelming journey, especially because I’m constantly faced with financial difficulties. Lord I struggle to provide the basic necessities for my sons, like groceries and rent. I pray for your divine intervention in my life, that you would provide for my children’s needs and guide me towards financial stability in Jesus name I pray.💕❤️❤
My parents conditioned me to believe that I was not welcome to participate, verbally, during any gathering with other people. My parents would talk about me, to others, making claims about my actions, intentions, goals, and aspirations while I was present, as though they were some kind of great authorities on me. I was supposed to shut up, and act as a mute while they talked about me. They seemed to have had an attitude that they somehow owned me, and that such ownership somehow gave them the right to claim that they were some sort of great experts on me. I believe that this ridiculous attitude that they had was part of the conditioning that caused me to grow up thinking that my words were not worthy to be spoken amongst others.
Same here. We were belittled in front of adults, and if anyone visited we were sent to our rooms. We had no personal possessions because there was no privacy and our mother took everything she wanted. I'd come home from school and find she'd been going through my things. There were people she knew for years who never realized she had two daughters. We were seriously unwanted.
Again, it seems you've had a direct glimpse into my toxic, dysfunctional childhood (and adult family dynamics). Thank you, thank you, Jerry, for the validation and wisdom. Jerry WISE indeed.
I have all of them, the smile one was not only that it was even performing and be funny whilst I was suffering a lot, I also think it is very unfair the isolation and loneliness part, ... physical abuse was also there so terrorised and it brought me a lot of abusive people in adulthood...I definitely think this is one of your best videos, thank you!!
I prayed this morning Mr Jerry & I told God I feel like a piece of Swiss cheese.. holes all over the place, lacking understanding feeling like I'm unstable/lacking. It's really difficult. Thankyou for your time and videos 💔
- 00:36 🙂 Smiling through pain as a coping mechanism for tough childhood experiences - 01:04 🌑 Deep feelings of isolation and loneliness due to early programming - 02:06 💔 Difficulty maintaining healthy, lasting relationships from past trauma - 03:27 😨 Startling easily due to childhood intimidation or trauma - 04:42 😶 Changing behavior in response to others, revealing past discomfort - 05:09 😔 Feeling guilt or shame in normal situations, especially with authority figures - 06:13 🎭 Oscillating between oversharing or withholding due to unhealthy boundaries - 06:52 🧍♂️ Limited friend circle, potentially due to feelings of unworthiness - 07:45 👮 Struggles with authority, leading to extreme submission or rebellion - 08:22 🥺 Longing for the healthy parent-child relationships seen in others - 08:57 👶 Regressing into childlike roles around parents, even in adulthood - 10:11 🔍 Difficulty understanding one's true self due to suppressed identity formation
I stumbled upon this comment when I was actively looking for such a list (to recheck that there are only 12, not 13, points in total) in the hopes of finding some good Samaritan who would've done this mundane yet quintessential task. Thank you for being that! @dameanvil
I remember the regression feeling when i was in the company of my mother. It was so weird and for so long i didnt understand. I just didnt want to be around her. I understand now and finally am entirely free of the emotional guilt and shame.
An intense process recovering from these traumas. Such a challenge to have our eyes opened. Sometimes reminds me of being in the dark and stepping into bright sunlight it can be painful a burning sensation. Sure isn’t for the faint of heart!!!
Checked every single box other than wishing I was in another kids place. Been alone no friends for 18 years. I've done therapy and tried all that. I've given up hope on trying to like myself. Every time I try, I get my hopes up and it fails I just fall deeper into a depression. No thanks I'll just exist in my little corner.
Getting anxious when speaking to a stranger because you feel like you're going to be struck in the face for having an opinion is a big sign you've had a narcissistic parent because that reaction comes from constantly being invalidated and gaslighted by the narcissistic parent. Walking away from a conversation and constantly asking yourself if you did something wrong is a sign you had a narcissistic parent.
This was very very interesting. This is the type of question I still have at 66 years old. What happened to that little child? What was the degree of the damage and what are the types of damage I experience from my specific dysfunction? THANK YOU Dr. Wise!!!!
oh my God, I definitely had a damaging childhood that spilled over into adulthood I just attended my 40th class reunion this week in Santa Cruz California. They had a slideshow people submitted photos from 1984, Of course, so many groups of people, laughing and playing at school and having a great time. Not only could I not leave the house, but I never had an allowance or transportation. It was a huge reminder of how bad my child sucked. I enjoyed seeing others in fellowship but on the same coin I felt so left out. My emotions were beat down from the earliest memories of my childhood so I don’t know if I would’ve even felt worthy enough to hang out with those people anyway. I’m glad I have better self-esteem as an adult staying away from the poison .
Those ppl were not having great times I grad 1983 Trust me, they were all dysfunctional & trying to make it thru the day I’m in very few photos in my yearbook
@ like I said I went to school then n grad 1983. School itself was very dysfunctional. I did very well and watched most everyone getting high and/or drunk then all the teen pregnancies including single 19 & 20yos. Suicides from jr year till 5 yrs after grad as kids just couldn’t hack it. I had an unusual experience of going to 3 diff high schools, in diff regions (I moved alot). Didn’t matter where, school kids were the same, faking it like their dysfunctional adults.
I tried to fight against and stand my ground against obvious abuse. As a 4yr old I used hollywood and 1960s TV to learn what was right or wrong. I'm like the Jim Carry character in the cable guy! Everything you have said in this video is spot on. Thank you for these videos.
Mr. Wise, this is my first time seeing you. I’m having a bit of a panic attack ( I can calm down). The severity and authenticity of your words were raw, accurate, and hit me like a brick wall! Wow !! I have been seeing a Therapist for 8+ years. I made my family go because I received a diagnosis of a fatal brain condition and felt we could benefit from it. We did, and she sees us as needed. However, I am her constant client. I was diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood, and a couple of others things, but the PTSD is the biggest, so we’re dealing with it first! I can’t wait to take your class. Thank you for offering it to us. I appreciated your calm, factual demeanor. I was so intent on listening to you, I didn’t notice my heart rate going up and my breathing becoming shallow and quicker. Thank you, again!
Hello Jerry, another short video that ticks alot of boxes for me, I wanted to add that a significant symptom that I have had through my childhood is amnesia . I don't remember hardly anything of my childhood. I have tiny fragments of memory only. And any memories that I do have were when I was alone. Its quite weird. but at 65 I don't worry too much anymore. My goal in life was to be a better parent to my three children, and I think I've done that reasonably well. : )
I subscribed. And hearing you talk when I work out. Seems to be very therapuetic. One for lettting the anger out. Punching the bag has been harder. And I've been pushing myself again. To learn and to better myself. I quit drinking. Ive been more aware of my actions towards my own children. Showing them love and understanding to the best of my ability. Especially when I make mistakes.
Your videos make me feel okay. I always knew there was something wrong with my childhood, but couldn’t put my finger on it until a few years ago. Everything you say resonates and I feel understood. I was twice divorced, but grew enough to find a wonderful man eventually. I felt at first I didn’t deserve him. I was in a deep depression. Neither of us is perfect, neither of our childhoods was great. But we understand each other. It’s so different from other relationships. I’m happy, and even better I know I deserve to be happy now.
My heart breaks as this is the first time I'm learning that you, too, came from an abusive family. My heart goes out to you. As always the calmness you bring with your words is priceless. 💜
I knew I had a crappy childhood but I didn’t know just how bad until I started experiencing flashbacks a few months ago. I got through them OK but it was a revelation.
I have many of these…but I would not call my childhood “damaging.” I had unhappy parents, one of them very detached, the other hyper critical. But, you know, I grew up and figured it out and it is what it is. Neither one of my parents set out to screw up my life. Both had my best interests at heart - they weren’t perfect, just products of their own upbringings. Things could have been much worse, there are kids out there who are truly abused, and I am thankful I was not one of them.
U are a Gen-X I’m betting lol That’s how we all look at life! We figure it out; they didn’t set out to do bad, they just failed at parenting. It could have been must worse. I was actually spoiled 🤷🏼♀️
2 วันที่ผ่านมา +3
All of these. It feels nice to understand why and it feels like identifying this leads to healing.
Growing up with a pack of wolves tail between legs as soon as you “Belly up” they go in for the kill…. So sad to never feel as if you belonged never knowing what a “Home” feels like knocking on a door that is locked and looking in the window leaves you feeling even more vulnerable and isolated.
The DING DING DING meter really going off on all of these. Add social factors like poverty, race/ethnicity, gender, and disability in the mix and it gets really complicated.
I share many of these signs. That said, the past is set. How is it that with so many damaged people out there with this invisible connection, we can't connect with one another, gain strength, and enjoy one another? Given our similar childhood experiences, we should be able to see a comrade in arms, so to speak, and form a friendship. It is time that we move on from the past and enjoy the present. A longtime friend of mine is toxic to me. It saddens me that our friendship is being lost. They literally still cry about the past and are jealous of me for my accomplishments. My friend is my negative, critical family all over again. There is no one day you will wake up and feel great. Each day, you take a solid step in a positive direction for yourself. Form a new chain of life experiences and cut the anchor chain holding you back from enjoying today.
Keep going this is me down to a tee. I am surrounded by narcissists in my family. Complicated by a being a child in the military. I always said from a very young age I was the adult in the relationship with my parents. I was getting on in years when I had the first best friend, they helped me so much and I lost them to aggressive cancer.
😅 Struggle with authority is spot on (and most of the rest). I did notice I am rebel whenever I strongly believe the boss is a jerk, or treats me or other people unfairly. I even got fired for standing strongly against one of my leaders long ago. Then there's the other side of me: Whenever the boss is kind, lovely, treats me well (usually in small companies or freelance work) then I comply like I'm the best employee.
Great info, I meet all the criteria you mention. Had a rotten childhood - never knew my grandparents, father died when I was 4, and mom at 22. I find myself using alcohol or weed to just turn everything off in my head and I’m 64 now
I am 75 and only started when I was 73 to understand why I was so messed up all those years.After a little counseling.Finally feel good about myself but it's been a long journey.
I have all these signs. Even though I’ve been in therapy for a few years now I have, however, been separating myself from my parents over the past 2yrs. I’m finding as I’m now in my safe space these symptoms seam to be getting worse the more I’m healing. I know this is from shutting out my feelings for nearly 3 decades.
I'm 50 and had to dive right back into this while having to take care of two terminally ill parents. They're just as bad now as they were when I was a child. All I can do is try to be the better person when they say the things the say.
You're a wonderful person to do that. I walked away and made it clear to the parental unit they needed to deal with it on their own, I was not going to let them guilt me. I moved 2500 miles away and the parental unit is still trying to track me down and telling the other relatives that " I owe them" to come take care of them. Not happening
You don't have to do anything. If abandoning them would do you better, just abandon them. I know you don't want to be like them, probably the one thing you know for sure is that you don't want to be like them... but that would not make you like them. It would just make you a person who does not put themselves in harm's way and you are definitely entitled to be safe and avoid harm. Okay?
Any sharing about my life experiences feels like oversharing. And I have definitely shared with the wrong people. Virtually no one can handle hearing about it so I don't bring it uo.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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When I'm alone and someone comes into my space it feels like I was caught "being" or "existing". It feels like I'm about to be attacked, punished, berated, etc.
Yes I feel like that as well!
My partner comes from a difficult family system and expressed this to me once. Prior to him explaining how he felt, I’d sometimes suspect he might be doing something nefarious based on his reaction of startle and shame when I walked into the room unexpectedly sometimes. Turns out he was just punished and criticized for being a kid/person for so long.
My heartrate spikes. Also, the sound of a vacuum cleaner makes me *VERY* tense. PS: NPD mother was extremely violent.
Thank you for expressing this. ❤ I have felt the same way all through life. I just didn't know how to put it into words. 😢
Omg I transferred to another location at my job and my new female boss has npd. My parents had different manifestation of dysfunction, my mom codependent but also had some warmth. This women is giving me ptsd. It's like when she approaches I feel I'm doing something wrong by existing. So critical, so negative, you would think I was awful. I always get stellar reviews. We work like dogs in healthcare while she lollygags and then she complains were not fast enough while training! I feel so bad for her kids and it reminds me she's the mother. !! My dad was the problem I shudder to think of having such a cold mean mother. When she comes out of her office I thought today oh no the dragon 🐉 is emerging from it's lair. 😬 I'm working on my escape plan asap. So sad to be reminded these people exist and they're somebody's mother! 😳
I was locked in my room for hours nearly each day for reasons I will never know. There was a chain On the outside from age of two. I was told all kinds of lies. I shut down and focused on academemics as my escape plan form about the age of five, until I handed in my thesis and was on a plane never to return. I made it. Took another 20:yrs to undo all the knots and find self love
They were such fxxx ing bullies-. Parents
That is horrendous!! I am so sorry you went through that! I am convinced that half the people on the planet should not be parents. 🙏🙏
🌈💖🌿
❤
You are amazing, well done 🎉❤
I have two more to add: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and moods. I grew up surrounded by narcissists. Both of my parents. My three older siblings.
Same here 😢
Yes, same, had the three older sibs who were the only ones who would ever get to matter.
@@bernadette573 I completely relate. Me and my siblings could all make the same mistake, and I would be the only one called out for it. And nothing I did right was ever seen as good enough.
Yes, yes, yes - Feeling on edge. Waiting for that other shoe to drop and also the overemphasis on, sometimes total, of Others happiness; Always, if others get upset have to fix it ‐ then become a "weirdo", deemed selfish, because needed So much alone time & sleep! Thank God it's now time to heal.
@ThatoneLisa I'm the scapegoat too.
These signs are spot on for me. I have a narcissistic mother. I am 60 years old and only recently did I figure this out.
same. It's like a sad, yet strong club. :)
I’m not so young either and went no contact 7 years ago with my family of origin. My eyes were opened and the stuff I thought was normal I seen clearly was not. Hey at least we have seen some die with the lie.
54 years old. You’re not alone.
I figured it out in her last years when I thought she would show some love, but the venom came out instead.
@@christinerobertson9596always way worse at the end I’ve been listening to hospice nurses on TH-cam talk about that. A narcissistic person flares towards the end!
Symptoms of NPD abuse:
😢Smile your way through hell
😢Loneliness, isolation, lack of lasting relationships
😢startled by everything (ptsd response)
😢changing your behavior when someone enters the room
😢feeling overwhelming guilt and shame in normal life (job eval - you feel waves of shame)
😢overshare or secretive
😢struggle with authority
😢seeing good families and wanting that
😢regressing w parents
😢we don't know ourselves (our thoughts,feelings,preferences)
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Too relatable!
Appreciate you!
The last one on the list hits home the most. I have asked counsellors since my early twenties to help me understand who I am, how I feel what I want. I haven’t found the right support with this yet and now that I am in my mid 50s I am losing hope. How can I still be so clueless and feel like a child yet I am a mature adult who should know who I am at this juncture in my life. I appreciate the existential experience but it is not enough to just know things weren’t okay in my childhood and beyond. Now what?
I can start by listening to the free seminars I suppose. Thank you for moffering access to these for free 😊
Soul Seeker- thanks for the list.
Struggle with authority has nothing to do with NPD abuse though. Authority figures are often antisocial pricks.
My mantra as a kid "Things can go wrong at any time! Be aware!"
I can relate but it's so sad and may hold us back
Mine was if I do this now they’ll love me…..😵💫
"The NPD mother is about to lose her shit (always over something very minor) flee! Hide!"
That’s like my Rule #13: When things are looking up, it means trouble is waiting around the corner!
Being hypervigilant and monitoring my siblings' behavior so as to keep them off my father's radar.
It was a way of trying to control the only variable that was in my power to exert some control over that might prevent a blow up of my father.
Those tics sure are familiar. Another item: avoiding confrontation -- pretty much across the board. Even demanding a raise is traumatic.
Confrontation--exactly! I made a pledge to confront a bureaucrat as part of my activism last spring. Months later, the memory of the bureaucrat, who doubtlessly forgot all about me in 5 minutes, still causes my stomach to clench.
Yes, asking for a raise was time & again extremely difficult - I even got counciling to coach on how to properly negotiate- still something avoid
My mother was extremely violent, when people get angry I have a bodily reaction like I become tachycardic my body is getting ready to be attacked but it doesn't happen, but I still react to confrontation like they are going.to try to kill me it's scary, I can't deal with angry people as an adult
Or asking for time off to go to a doctor
I'm retired now and never once asked for a raise.
My husband gets mad at me for loving my alone time so much. Being alone doesn't bother me. I don't have to deal with any one else's emotions or possibly do anything wrong on accident.
Having friends is a waste of time. Every single one I've had always hurts me in the end so I'm okay not having a bunch of friends.
I feel that way too. Hugs.
@@Laney_75 Hugs to you also 🌻
❤
I had 4 friends who dropped me and accused me of things that i never did. Then this year i made a new friend, but she started to treat me badly, despising my easy job, making fun of my slow pace, making fun of my feelings for my cats. I think people are triggered by my kindness, politeness, and tolerance. Is it possible?
@@ChandChandramukhi Absolutely, they just want to attack you and give you a bad feeling about yourself, because you are friendly and they are not and they are mostly very insecure, unhappy people. Just stay away from those people as far as you can, for your own benefit. ❤️
Hypervigilance, false self, people pleasing, isolation, guilt/shame - you've summed up my life so far
That’s a lot to carry! Acknowledging it is a strong step forward. I recommend joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
Something that I have experienced, in addition to the fantasising about being a part of a fuctional family, is feeling pain when you see parents being attentive and affectionate towards their children. Witnessing that parental warmth hurts my heart and has caused me to well up in public.
Your experience of that specific kind of searing pain in the heart💔
How tears welling up feel like broken glass.
I’ve had that experience
You are loved and your life has great worth❤
By the time I was 11 my moto was "damned if you do and damned if you don't".
me too - absolutely that motto - 'dammed if I do, dammed if I don't' - just said it recently to my oldest sister earlier this month (she's still angry with me for something _she_ and another sister did to me earlier this year)
❤
You cant do anything right.....
No good deed goes unpunished
At 10 I wanted to stay in a coffin; because when you're there people forget you.
Spot on. No mistakes allowed and if there were, it felt like the world was going to end, even with the smallest mistake. This is in the past now
Yup and there's nothing in their brains but looking to criticize, what horrible lives!
100 thumbs up 👍
It was clarified to me at age three (a good chance my father was drunk--but I didn't know what that was) that any mistake I made was because I wasn't thinking enough and that the damage would be permanent. It wasn't until recently with "Wise" advice that I trotted that notion back out for reexamination. I'm still dealing with paralysis on important tasks--If I don't think enough, I'm sure I'll do it all wrong!
Yeah, I remember my mom freaking out over me having a flat tire on my bike. She went hysterical mode over the smallest thing, laying on the floor pounding with her fists and feet like a toddler while screaming. Grandpa called them "fits"
@Vixinaful that was like a punch in the face without having to physically punch you in the face. We all are their punching bag
That feeling of deep loneliness is what I have tried to escape my whole life. Having happy relationships seems like a dream. And yes, oversharing... paid dearly for my naivety! But I've hopefully learnt
right but when you are with a great person you feel like you arent quite good or fitting in somehow right?
@@Sundaylamb3Always felt I wasn't good enough. But am learning that nobody is perfect. I just wish I could get rid of self sabotaging, it's better nowadays but am not sure how I'd behave with a great person. Like to think I'd feel an equal - finally. Guess most of us struggle with self-worth, hopefully we'll be able to recover with this new-found knowledge ❤
@@SibyllaCumana I also wish to overcome self sabotaging. With exercises to act out in a healthy way decades long suppressed anger and disgust (two emotions that rise up during boundary crossings that weren't safe for us to express towards our "care" givers) and exercises to increase capacity (orienting for example) I hope things will change (better self awareness, -esteem). My goal is to feel safe, secure under people, no more childlike behavior so they see I am no threat and so on. Hate being a narc magnet with these behaviors.
"Anger As Medicine: How to Cure Self-Sabotaging Behaviours" by Irene Lyon
@@kalima7446 Thank you, I'll look into it❤ I was a narc magnet as well 😢Hopefully not anymore!
@@SibyllaCumana I seem to keep attracting them but that's not true. I just dismantle them very soon because I am unable to meet their expectations from the very first attempt they try to cross my boundaries. A "No" (that I say) is for them an invitation to try to make me say Yes and the more disempowered I feel the higher the chance that I say Yes even though I make myself sick when I do what they want from me. Self hate, "I, my intuition, knew it, that it's not good for me, why did I say Yes" - another opportunity for me to exercise empathy for myself. Sometimes I am just curious and want to take opportunities to see if I can stay present, if my exercises show effect or if I still need more practice. Yes, still need more. I dissociated (shutdown freeze response) last time due to an emotional flashback (highly triggering "social worker" that acted just like my mother. I'm the boss, you're nothing!). That's ok.
I know we can make it, let the past behind us and make the best out of all we experienced and endured. Maybe we write a book, volunteer and make great experienced Zen-like teachers (I want to become a Laughter Yoga teacher).
Number 10 was the beginning of my knowing that something was terribly wrong in the household I grew up in. After I moved away from home and saw others parent/child relationships, my eyes started to see all the damage that was done. All the other signs I experienced as well. My heart goes out to anyone that had to live through this.
Same here. My mother used to isolate me from friend's and their family. It shocked me to see what a "normal' family looked liked and functioned. I didn't realize how effed up my parents were and how they treated us was not 'normal".
Thank God my friend's parents treated me like a normal kid - they knew what I dealt with in my family. They are long gone, but when I pass, I want to see them again up there, and thank them!!@
Smiling your way through Hell …so spot on…thank you Jerry
EXISTING THRU HELL MORE LIKE IT!
also insane sense of humour in hell like situations....
I’m 45. An accountant. A mother of two grown men. My mom still thinks she needs to parent me. It resulted in us no longer talking.
I'm so sorry. I too am a 45 year old mother of two grown men and a mom who thinks I am not capable of being an adult and able to live my own life and make my own decisions. This is why she lives in Georgia and I live in Nevada close to California
@ That sounds perfect. My mom is in Texas and I’m in Minnesota!
@@LorettaRyden it's definitely for the best that there's distance. It's weird.... She doesn't think I'm capable, but yet will want me to parent her when she can't regulate herself. It's maddening as hell, that's for sure. Out of 5 kids (I'm the middle) I'm the only one she does this to.
@@flamingsword777 It’s interesting how they pick the kids they will use as a scapegoat.
Guilt and shame is the worst. What a horrible legacy to leave your children. 😧
I love being alone, i really do now, i love being with my dogs alone at home, i prefer that over anyone's company.
Good for you. I'm somewhat envious. All I can manage is shared accommodation and no pets are allowed. I would love to have a dog.
Startled by the smallest noise, their footsteps actually said when they were angry and were about to transfer their aggression.
I've realized I still become totally on edge when the front door opens or closes. Only when my ex is here, but still - it's a fcking DOOR and I become TERRIFIED and want to tell whoever it is to stop...what....OPENING AND CLOSING A DOOR?!
Being human is so phcked sometimes.
How we felt with ALL the neighbo(u)rs?
Exactly.
I had to move out of a beautiful apartment because I could hear the neighbour upstairs walking around. It reminded me too much of my mother angrily marching around the house when I was a small child. I could never relax.
Same here. My father had this thing about noise (specifically if I made a noise he didn't like). One particular incident I was sat on the sofa next to my mother and he acvused me of slamming a door (I had not, I was outside just before and shut my rabbits cage door), he started to pound his fists on my thighs trying to get me to admit it. As admit kid he would say he was going to sleep in the day because he was tired (in the living room) so I'd have to creep around him and not talk. It was miserable.
I don't really hear about the deep attachments you can have to animals because of the toxic childhood you have.
Because that is more specific to ****individual coping responses****. That avenue of coping is under a larger umbrella that can be in form of many other interests/needs. It depends on each persons history & specific personality which way they'll go.
This video is an overview of the most common denomenators/generalized behavior traits indicating seriously problematic upbringing - in general.
Some turn to animals with deep connection, some become deeply, even obsessively invested in animals welfare/rescue. Others pour all that into trying to have "repair relationships" & investment in other people... or becoming completely consumed by their career/workaholic. For some it is gardening, pet plants, or some other hobby or skill that becomes all consuming.
And for others, they cope by detaching from all such connections... keeping their lives clear of anything that could be taken away, create liability, or used against them somehow.
But these can't be used as identifiers in & of themselves. Some very normal, well-raised folks take on "missions" in life, or have deeply invested connections to animals or other concerns/interests.
having a pet is safe. They don't judge, don't get angry, don't lie to you or hurt your feelings or stab you in the back. They're always there for you. Their love for you is genuine you'll never have to wonder about that and they won't cheat on you or steal from you.
@ateachableheart2649 Yes! My dog is what got me through my childhood, age 5 to 17. The only time I didn't have a dog since then was while I was away in college. I think it's the unconditionally love that goes both ways.
Oh boy, I need a hug right now. 😮 💞
❤
🤗 God bless you.
❤️
I’m 72 . In Canada , and I send you love and a hug. God Bless You
Ditto, Australia
I never realized just how bad my own childhood was until I had my own children. I have basically raised them by just always doing the opposite of whatever my parents did (ex., frequent moves = no moves, yelling = no yelling, do as I tell you = tell me about you, don't tell anyone = nothing to tell, etc. etc.) But your list for me is spot on.
I always did the exact opposite of what my parents did
I have always had trouble finding friends. However, I have a pen friend I've known for 20 years. We have a lot in common and he is my best and really only friend. Bc he lives in another country, we dont have physical contact but even having a true friend at arms length is better than no friend at all. Thank you for your invaluable insights Dr. Wise ❤
"protecting the parent-child relationship" in an abusive family is protecting the parent from the consequences
🎯
Being the enabaler, my parents would label
The problem child
Never Parents that are the problem.
I survived all of this ! I do have a great sense of self and always have. I was more mature than either of my parents.
Me too! I managed to hang on to my sense of self no matter what my parents did to harm it.
To paraphrase Mark Twain
When I was a boy of 14, my family was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have them around. But when I got to be 28, I was astonished at how insufferable they really were because they are all just idiot alcoholics and walked out.
The main pain point is the idea that my existence is unwanted by my “creators”. And there’s no way to fight or change yourself in order to “earn your right to exist”. I notice that people who don’t carry this primal trauma have no way of understanding how it influences absolutely everything.
Your true creator did intend your existence, which supercedes your parents' harmful view
Right there with you. I realize this week I was the non person. Didn't know I existed untill 4 months pregnant. Was 7 months pregnant at my 1st birthday and I'm #4 of 6. Just a house or sex slave. Didn't notice that I needed a bra until I was size B, 10 or 11 maybe? So trauma at conception. Yea for us!
@@quran_wrhso in your world I was supposed to be born to such bad parents? That I was supposed to endure 5 years of sexual abuse starting at 8? Where was God???????
@@andreapeters981 🙏And We will set up the balances of equity for the Day of Resurrection, so no soul will be wronged in anything; and though it be the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it. And sufficient are We as account-takers.
(Quran 21/47)
And when My servants ask you concerning Me: I am near. I respond to the call of the caller when he calls to Me. So let them respond to Me, and let them believe in Me, that they might be guided.
(Quran 2/186)
Yes. Recognizing, understanding, and accepting that the conception was not completely wanted by both is a tall mountain for the progeny to climb. The tell is the parents don't see or hear the child.
I didn’t know I was highly masking highly functioning anxiety and cptsd. Criticism would jolt my heart and I would begin to silently panic, sweat and want to flee
I used to get furious when people said 'doesn't take criticism well'. Why would a person who was criticized constantly take it well?
Jerry Wise? More like Very Wise...😂
I know right? A very apt name for this lovely man. Jay Reid is another good soul on YT who really understands. Only a recovered scapegoat could understand.
Very wise? More like Jerry Wise! Am I right or am I right?
Jerry wise is jerry good
@@TustinJimberlake LOL
@@byzantineroman2407 You're right! 😂
I am just realizing how neglected I was.I was in 3rd grade when I got my eyes checked and got my first pair of glasses. It was my teacher seeing me squint at the blackboard. I could not see the blackboard at all. I could follow what was happening in class until she wrote on the blackboard. My 6:49 best friend would let me copy her math problems, not the answer. When I got glasses, there was no apologies. When I first put them on, I could see blades of grass and every leaf on a tree, it was magic. My mother said remarked to her mother that :"I thought she just wanted to be in the center of everything", not " OMG my daughter has been almost blind for 8 years, why didn't I see that". What a strange thing to say.
Wow! You had my parents! The 1st part of your story was mine exactly.
Similar for me . Teacher brought my vision loss up with my mother . Then, when I had to get glasses I was called down for looking ugly in them , and that no one in the family ever had glasses . As if it were a shameful thing . I’m 72 now and doing ok in life, likely better prepared for being alone and marginalized as a senior . More careful and distrusting than most too, so immune to scams or being taken advantage of .
She sounds just like my mum - when I was 3 somehow or other I broke my arm my mother didn't bother to take me to a doctor until someone pointed out to her "I think you daughter has a broken arm" and when I was 6 a boy smashed a roller-skate in my face and broke my nose - again she did not bother to take me to a doctor - true - and like your mum she was always saying that "I wanted to be the centre of attention all the time" - needless to say I loathe her with a passion
My teacher in first grade noticed I needed glasses. I couldn't see the board and started crying because I thought I would get in trouble for not being able to do the work. My teacher was very kind, asking why I was crying, and I didn't want to say. I was afraid to say I couldn't see. Imagine that - I thought I was bad, because I had blurry vision. At age 6 or 7.
By the way, from a body and mind connection perspective - children who develop myopia is because of the contraction of the eye muscles. Why do the eye muscles contract? From fear. This is how specific this is - a disapproving glance from a parent in childhood. "Disapproving" can be substituted to "angry", "contempt" etc... Myopia is often associated with escape from the reality that surrounds. So, if you had myopia from childhood, you may find that by healing from your narc parents, your eyesight will improve or totally recover!
I was trying to run away, to better Moms, but they all gave me back to my parents 😔
I really asked for help my hole life, better never got it! So I tried to be so helpful as I could be, for Karma will.... until now, it didn't worked out, but I'm very low in energy!
All I'm wishing is 1 human in my life which I can count and lean on for a short time 😢
Yes on the normalizing “loneliness and isolation”.
I’m also hyper vigilant. “Small noises” startle me because I would always listen to sounds outside my bedroom door to know if my parents were coming to insult and scream at me.
Far too many. Thanks Jerry for validating my experiences
I grew up with a monster, so i fear failure and displeasing others, it come with lots of pain. I struggled for years with feelings of inadequacy. I did go through a time that i couldn't keep a job because I felt guilt, shame and judgment constantly. I seek being solitude so i can never be judged or belittled. I can't stand anyone saying anything about what I'm doing [good or bad]. I'm 55 and went non contact 32yrs ago, and i still struggle with my reaction to perceived treats. I wish..........peace! I have no idea why I'm writing this, maybe its because i feel beyond help.
I feel for you. If it helps, I can tell you that I am in my 70s and only in the last ten years have started my journey of trying to be the person I was meant to be. It's different for everyone, the timescale, the struggle. There's no absolute formula, but this podcast is such a help. Please believe you are not alone. ❤
This is significantly helpful to me, so thank you for sharing your honest experience. I’m 29
Dear 29 year old so glad upu are getting the right information now. ❤️🩹🌱
Hi, I’m 72 and would like to send you a hug. I also had a similar situation, very unwanted and neglected . I became a Christian and it changed my life. Now I have fellowship with trustworthy women who lift my spirits . I’m definitely wanted there , and I know God loves me .
About criticism is beyond help. We have been attacked so many times, that our survival instincts are triggered. I feel like an wounded animal in the jungle in many social situations. People are mean and overconfident that they know all the answers. What I started doing to help communicating better with people close to me is to set a boundary. I simply say that I grew up in a very judgmental family environment, so I don't accept criticism, as I already enjoy my own self-destructive critical authority on the inside. I say the truth that feedback is pointless as only a few people could give constructive feedback and it is usually not applicable as it refers to their understanding of life, work, relationships. I will gladly ask for their opinion and advice and appreciate any feedback, but on my request. At work, I show early that I don't care about any positive or negative feedback coming from colleagues, so they better stay out of my way with their little opinions. From time to time I request their opinion in an open way, so they feel heard and seen, even when I don't need it. When someone tries to trigger an emotional reaction from me, I know I am in the presence of someone with some personality disorder and treat them as they are a mental case. This helps to navigate, so I don't feel so attacked all the time, even if I am. What I've learned about how this trauma works is that we are the people who appreciate constructive feedback the most and have the ability to learn and change from it. I have experienced that several times in my life.
Smiling your way through hell is familiar for me...
Not beeing seen in the Family...
And only having a few trusted people arround...
Thank you, Jerry
I couldn't share anything with my mom. She disapproved of everything..my friends especially..unless they were from church. She Had to control every aspect of my life. I had to hide the most innocent things. For example, I had to hide under the covers after I went to bed at night, so that I could listen to my little radio. I love music, still to today, but she didn't like it, so I had to hide. Oh man, I could write a
book. I walked out the door when I was 16, and I never went back.
Well done for holding on tight to listening to your music and then getting out. I hope you are now experiencing peace and health
This is my story!
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 thank you. 🥀
My mother was similarly hyper-critical over the smallest and most inconsequential things. I remember, when I was 17, sitting in the family room, just minding my own business and watching a rock band called Rush performing on TV, she swooped up behind me and said, "Turn that off! It's kid stuff!" Meanwhile, she knew nothing about the band, nor that it was not only wildly popular with teenagers, but with young adults too and even some middle-aged people.
My reading now of hyper-critical people is that they are often weak and insecure people who feel the need to overcriticize others as a defence mechanism.
wise one be blessed....
I didn't realize how damaged I was until I was in my 50's - always needed to please, overcompensated with "leadership" qualities thereby became attractive to losers. Took a few years to regain/rebuild my true self and get rid of fake relationships especially enablers of narcissistic abuse by my mother (family, friends, pastors, etc). Finally, by the grace of God, I am slowly healing and at peace with only a handful of people in my life at 60.
I have to say that having autism definitely amplified all of these things even more 😔 I wasn't aware of what it was that was different about me growing up, but realized that I was autistic at 30 years old. It made everything make sense all of a sudden. All the shame that was put on me and that I felt as a child was linked to the fact that I wasn't like other kids, and now I know it was not my fault. I wish I had known much earlier 💔
Yes. All these things he mentioned refers to autistic people which I am too
Getting yelled at or told to do something horrible or disgusting to you, when supposedly it was "normal" and for me, being told "Shut up" every day, being bullied and assaulted in and outside of school everyday, not getting any professional support or a diagnosis until my 40s when i knew since I was 4 and being tortured by your senses, always getting sick, people getting mad because you communicate differently or need people to me more clear and concise to understand. Developing cPTSD. 😔
My husband just found out he's ASD level 1 (autism). He's 66. He has that on top of trauma as a child. It's hard for me as it is for him.
@@donnabowman9059 I found out at age 62. Everything made sense. It’s hard when nobody understands you.
Well, I was 38 before I realized that I was autistic, so it could be worse 😅
I am not so much startled, as automatically preparing or bracing myself for what comes next.
Always preparing for the worst.
Yes, know that feeling well. Had a wonderful fourth grade teacher who spent time explaining what we would do in class that day, that week, what we might learn, special trips. She presented such a prepared and nuanced world where she wanted us to know what was coming, and what was expected, it was the first time I felt comfortable and learned to anticipate pleasant activities. She changed my life doing ordinary things (ordinary for normals) but to me it was a glimpse of paradise.
@@bernadette573this is beautiful :)
Yes. I’m always waiting for disaster . I’m 72…
You are exactly right about the smile and the isolation.
I still jump from noises. My dad had a hair trigger temper, I remember being in my room waiting for him to hit me, and hearing the footsteps coming, my anxiety peaking 😢.
Same here. 😮
Same here. And I’m 70.
Same. I’m in my 60s
For me, one of the things that stand out the most from my childhood is the insane levels of open and obvious lying my parents did. Sometimes it was like reality was forbidden in our home. We had to look and act perfect every second of the day even though it was all so fake everyone could see right though it.
My dad raged out this one night, jumped up out of his chair, but he landed on my ankle, and sprained it really badly, it was almost broken. He took me to the hospital 🏥, and I had to tell the nurse I fell down the stairs, gotta keep up appearances at all times 😅. I feel that
I realized something only recently, and it's pretty profound and seismic. I'm gay and I have two narcissistic parents. Throughout my 20s/30s, I would find myself spontaneously in a rather melancholy mood and saying out loud without even thinking about it, "I want to go home." Often with a sigh, and even if I already happened to be home, at my apartment, whatever. I knew this didn't mean my parents house, because I definitely didn't want to go there, and for a long time this perplexed me. I realize now is that once you understand your sexual orientation and know that your parents will never accept you as you are, you never feel safe at their home again. I'd lost that around the ages of 12-15, and I couldn't ever get it back. The desire to return 'home' was a desire to return to a place of safety and acceptance that I hadn't had since my early adolescence. I imagine a lot of children of narcissistic parents feel the same way.
Yes. I still don't know where home is (in my 70s) but am learning to be happy with elements of what I need, even if I don't have it all. I hope you find some peace. ❤
So often thru my life I have had this overwhelming thought "I just want to go home" too. Even at home.
I do this too. And I am more afraid than ever to go to my “home” because my dad is there. My mom died recently and although she wasn’t a good parent either she was the “safe” option. I literally can’t go “home” without fearing for my safety.
Thich Nhat Hahn. I have arrived. I am home in the here and the now. I am solid. I am free. In the ultimate I dwell.
❤️🩹🙏🌱
Dearest Jenny Jones- stay away and keep yourself dafe. You deserve peace and safeness. You owe your father nothing. Also you are experiencing what is complex grief. Take care and look after yourself in very small everyday ways. I send compassion your way.
one of my parental units is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath. every bullet point is the type of adult that kind of parent churns out. especially the startle response, even panic attacks. thank you for offering this video. ✨
i've always felt like my parents were super unaccepting of who i wanted to be deep down inside, and they were ashamed of me, and in my opinion it prevented me from growing up while also making me feel like i was super old in spirit because of how hard it was to cope with being ashamed of myself.
Literally all of them.
Me too.
Holy Spirit, direct me in my career, and finances. As a single mother with two children with special needs life is an overwhelming journey, especially because I’m constantly faced with financial difficulties. Lord I struggle to provide the basic necessities for my sons, like groceries and rent. I pray for your divine intervention in my life, that you would provide for my children’s needs and guide me towards financial stability in Jesus name I pray.💕❤️❤
I’ve never been so called out in my life 😅
I resonated with every one of these…
Your videos are great - they’re so helpful. Thank You 🙏
My parents conditioned me to believe that I was not welcome to participate, verbally, during any gathering with other people. My parents would talk about me, to others, making claims about my actions, intentions, goals, and aspirations while I was present, as though they were some kind of great authorities on me. I was supposed to shut up, and act as a mute while they talked about me. They seemed to have had an attitude that they somehow owned me, and that such ownership somehow gave them the right to claim that they were some sort of great experts on me.
I believe that this ridiculous attitude that they had was part of the conditioning that caused me to grow up thinking that my words were not worthy to be spoken amongst others.
Yeah, the old, "Children should be seen and not heard" motto.
Same here. We were belittled in front of adults, and if anyone visited we were sent to our rooms. We had no personal possessions because there was no privacy and our mother took everything she wanted. I'd come home from school and find she'd been going through my things. There were people she knew for years who never realized she had two daughters. We were seriously unwanted.
Again, it seems you've had a direct glimpse into my toxic, dysfunctional childhood (and adult family dynamics). Thank you, thank you, Jerry, for the validation and wisdom. Jerry WISE indeed.
The adult family stuff is so sad. They let the abusers win.
I have all of them, the smile one was not only that it was even performing and be funny whilst I was suffering a lot, I also think it is very unfair the isolation and loneliness part, ... physical abuse was also there so terrorised and it brought me a lot of abusive people in adulthood...I definitely think this is one of your best videos, thank you!!
I hope to heal from this I train at the gym to get stronger. Yes I was terrorised. Thank you for this video.
I prayed this morning Mr Jerry & I told God I feel like a piece of Swiss cheese.. holes all over the place, lacking understanding feeling like I'm unstable/lacking. It's really difficult. Thankyou for your time and videos 💔
- 00:36 🙂 Smiling through pain as a coping mechanism for tough childhood experiences
- 01:04 🌑 Deep feelings of isolation and loneliness due to early programming
- 02:06 💔 Difficulty maintaining healthy, lasting relationships from past trauma
- 03:27 😨 Startling easily due to childhood intimidation or trauma
- 04:42 😶 Changing behavior in response to others, revealing past discomfort
- 05:09 😔 Feeling guilt or shame in normal situations, especially with authority figures
- 06:13 🎭 Oscillating between oversharing or withholding due to unhealthy boundaries
- 06:52 🧍♂️ Limited friend circle, potentially due to feelings of unworthiness
- 07:45 👮 Struggles with authority, leading to extreme submission or rebellion
- 08:22 🥺 Longing for the healthy parent-child relationships seen in others
- 08:57 👶 Regressing into childlike roles around parents, even in adulthood
- 10:11 🔍 Difficulty understanding one's true self due to suppressed identity formation
You deserve more likes, had ro scroll down way too far
I stumbled upon this comment when I was actively looking for such a list (to recheck that there are only 12, not 13, points in total) in the hopes of finding some good Samaritan who would've done this mundane yet quintessential task. Thank you for being that! @dameanvil
I remember the regression feeling when i was in the company of my mother. It was so weird and for so long i didnt understand. I just didnt want to be around her. I understand now and finally am entirely free of the emotional guilt and shame.
An intense process recovering from these traumas. Such a challenge to have our eyes opened. Sometimes reminds me of being in the dark and stepping into bright sunlight it can be painful a burning sensation. Sure isn’t for the faint of heart!!!
13/13. Also bonus is deep anger and lashing out
Checked every single box other than wishing I was in another kids place. Been alone no friends for 18 years. I've done therapy and tried all that. I've given up hope on trying to like myself. Every time I try, I get my hopes up and it fails I just fall deeper into a depression. No thanks I'll just exist in my little corner.
Be gentle with yourself. Keep on ❤
🤗
Getting anxious when speaking to a stranger because you feel like you're going to be struck in the face for having an opinion is a big sign you've had a narcissistic parent because that reaction comes from constantly being invalidated and gaslighted by the narcissistic parent. Walking away from a conversation and constantly asking yourself if you did something wrong is a sign you had a narcissistic parent.
💯 I never feel good enough either.
This was very very interesting. This is the type of question I still have at 66 years old. What happened to that little child? What was the degree of the damage and what are the types of damage I experience from my specific dysfunction? THANK YOU Dr. Wise!!!!
Same.I'm 60
Wishing you continued healing and many blessings!💟🙏
Same. In my 70s. A long long journey. I feel so sorry for that child.
Nailed it with all the 13 signs here !
Your videos keep me grounded and self differentiated
oh my God, I definitely had a damaging childhood that spilled over into adulthood
I just attended my 40th class reunion this week in Santa Cruz California.
They had a slideshow people submitted photos from 1984,
Of course, so many groups of people, laughing and playing at school and having a great time.
Not only could I not leave the house, but I never had an allowance or transportation. It was a huge reminder of how bad my child sucked.
I enjoyed seeing others in fellowship but on the same coin I felt so left out.
My emotions were beat down from the earliest memories of my childhood so I don’t know if I would’ve even felt worthy enough to hang out with those people anyway.
I’m glad I have better self-esteem as an adult staying away from the poison .
Your childhood sounds like mine
Those ppl were not having great times
I grad 1983
Trust me, they were all dysfunctional & trying to make it thru the day
I’m in very few photos in my yearbook
@
Oh, yes they had fun.
The entire school didn’t come from a dysfunctional family.
A ton of those people had parents who actually loved them.
@ like I said I went to school then n grad 1983. School itself was very dysfunctional. I did very well and watched most everyone getting high and/or drunk then all the teen pregnancies including single 19 & 20yos. Suicides from jr year till 5 yrs after grad as kids just couldn’t hack it. I had an unusual experience of going to 3 diff high schools, in diff regions (I moved alot). Didn’t matter where, school kids were the same, faking it like their dysfunctional adults.
I have severe BPD. Your kind honesty begs me to try your free course. Back to Basics. thank you ever so much.
It’s so Painful to watch I have to stop it. I’ll be back
Thank you, Sir
I tried to fight against and stand my ground against obvious abuse. As a 4yr old I used hollywood and 1960s TV to learn what was right or wrong. I'm like the Jim Carry character in the cable guy! Everything you have said in this video is spot on.
Thank you for these videos.
I've often considered the philosophic and psychological significance of the 1960's tv morality plays.
Mr. Wise, this is my first time seeing you. I’m having a bit of a panic attack ( I can calm down). The severity and authenticity of your words were raw, accurate, and hit me like a brick wall! Wow !! I have been seeing a Therapist for 8+ years.
I made my family go because I received a diagnosis of a fatal brain condition and felt we could benefit from it. We did, and she sees us as needed.
However, I am her constant client. I was diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood, and a couple of others things, but the PTSD is the biggest, so we’re dealing with it first! I can’t wait to take your class. Thank you for offering it to us. I appreciated your calm, factual demeanor. I was so intent on listening to you, I didn’t notice my heart rate going up and my breathing becoming shallow and quicker. Thank you, again!
Hello Jerry, another short video that ticks alot of boxes for me, I wanted to add that a significant symptom that I have had through my childhood is amnesia . I don't remember hardly anything of my childhood. I have tiny fragments of memory only. And any memories that I do have were when I was alone. Its quite weird. but at 65 I don't worry too much anymore. My goal in life was to be a better parent to my three children, and I think I've done that reasonably well. : )
Jerry, thank you and God bless you. Sending you a big hug.
This video is cutting through so many wounds I got.
I subscribed. And hearing you talk when I work out. Seems to be very therapuetic. One for lettting the anger out. Punching the bag has been harder. And I've been pushing myself again. To learn and to better myself. I quit drinking. Ive been more aware of my actions towards my own children. Showing them love and understanding to the best of my ability. Especially when I make mistakes.
Your videos make me feel okay. I always knew there was something wrong with my childhood, but couldn’t put my finger on it until a few years ago. Everything you say resonates and I feel understood. I was twice divorced, but grew enough to find a wonderful man eventually. I felt at first I didn’t deserve him. I was in a deep depression. Neither of us is perfect, neither of our childhoods was great. But we understand each other. It’s so different from other relationships. I’m happy, and even better I know I deserve to be happy now.
That's me to a tee. Working on them but the discovery road is worth it.
Thank You, Jerry!! I'll be 60 in December and you are the only person that has been able to HELP ME make any sense of what happened to me. ❤❤
My heart breaks as this is the first time I'm learning that you, too, came from an abusive family. My heart goes out to you. As always the calmness you bring with your words is priceless. 💜
Thank you for your precious work . God bless you Jerry Wise 🙏🏽
I knew I had a crappy childhood but I didn’t know just how bad until I started experiencing flashbacks a few months ago.
I got through them OK but it was a revelation.
I have many of these…but I would not call my childhood “damaging.” I had unhappy parents, one of them very detached, the other hyper critical. But, you know, I grew up and figured it out and it is what it is. Neither one of my parents set out to screw up my life. Both had my best interests at heart - they weren’t perfect, just products of their own upbringings. Things could have been much worse, there are kids out there who are truly abused, and I am thankful I was not one of them.
U are a Gen-X I’m betting lol
That’s how we all look at life!
We figure it out; they didn’t set out to do bad, they just failed at parenting. It could have been must worse. I was actually spoiled 🤷🏼♀️
All of these. It feels nice to understand why and it feels like identifying this leads to healing.
So many things to unpack here, i do still feel very alone 😓💔
Growing up with a pack of wolves tail between legs as soon as you “Belly up” they go in for the kill…. So sad to never feel as if you belonged never knowing what a “Home” feels like knocking on a door that is locked and looking in the window leaves you feeling even more vulnerable and isolated.
The DING DING DING meter really going off on all of these. Add social factors like poverty, race/ethnicity, gender, and disability in the mix and it gets really complicated.
I share many of these signs. That said, the past is set. How is it that with so many damaged people out there with this invisible connection, we can't connect with one another, gain strength, and enjoy one another? Given our similar childhood experiences, we should be able to see a comrade in arms, so to speak, and form a friendship. It is time that we move on from the past and enjoy the present. A longtime friend of mine is toxic to me. It saddens me that our friendship is being lost. They literally still cry about the past and are jealous of me for my accomplishments. My friend is my negative, critical family all over again. There is no one day you will wake up and feel great. Each day, you take a solid step in a positive direction for yourself. Form a new chain of life experiences and cut the anchor chain holding you back from enjoying today.
Respect! From Greece.
I love Greece
❤@@jerrywise
I love Greece and Greeks!
❤@@Lori1Cor15
❤@@Lori1Cor15
Thank you so much! Very useful!! Everything you said I have experienced
Keep going this is me down to a tee. I am surrounded by narcissists in my family. Complicated by a being a child in the military. I always said from a very young age I was the adult in the relationship with my parents. I was getting on in years when I had the first best friend, they helped me so much and I lost them to aggressive cancer.
Seeing your parents always arguing and fighting! Seeing my father with different women ! 👎🏽breaking generational curses 🙌🏾💪🏽🙏🏾💯
😅 Struggle with authority is spot on (and most of the rest). I did notice I am rebel whenever I strongly believe the boss is a jerk, or treats me or other people unfairly. I even got fired for standing strongly against one of my leaders long ago. Then there's the other side of me: Whenever the boss is kind, lovely, treats me well (usually in small companies or freelance work) then I comply like I'm the best employee.
Great info, I meet all the criteria you mention. Had a rotten childhood - never knew my grandparents, father died when I was 4, and mom at 22.
I find myself using alcohol or weed to just turn everything off in my head and I’m 64 now
Once again an A+ on this quiz
I am 75 and only started when I was 73 to understand why I was so messed up all those years.After a little counseling.Finally feel good about myself but it's been a long journey.
That is a long journey - so glad you are thriving now
Thank you Jerry. I become Wiser😊 listening to your videos.
I relate to so many of these!
Thank you for posting them
Glad you like them!
Oh, you explained this so well, I fit each one. At 76, I just need to live the rest accepting it..been alone so many years, no one is left.
Thank you for clearing things up and giving me the validation I needed, Dr. Wise. These videos are so informative.
I have all these signs. Even though I’ve been in therapy for a few years now I have, however, been separating myself from my parents over the past 2yrs. I’m finding as I’m now in my safe space these symptoms seam to be getting worse the more I’m healing. I know this is from shutting out my feelings for nearly 3 decades.
I'm 50 and had to dive right back into this while having to take care of two terminally ill parents. They're just as bad now as they were when I was a child. All I can do is try to be the better person when they say the things the say.
You're a wonderful person to do that. I walked away and made it clear to the parental unit they needed to deal with it on their own, I was not going to let them guilt me.
I moved 2500 miles away and the parental unit is still trying to track me down and telling the other relatives that " I owe them" to come take care of them. Not happening
You don't have to do anything. If abandoning them would do you better, just abandon them. I know you don't want to be like them, probably the one thing you know for sure is that you don't want to be like them... but that would not make you like them. It would just make you a person who does not put themselves in harm's way and you are definitely entitled to be safe and avoid harm. Okay?
So many of these hit the mark. Great video!! ❤
Any sharing about my life experiences feels like oversharing. And I have definitely shared with the wrong people. Virtually no one can handle hearing about it so I don't bring it uo.