They don’t always say these things in a mean way. That is even more confusing. They say it in a kind way, making you believe they actually are looking out for you, until you look deeper.
Yup! Then you feel like crap for calling them out on this piss poor behavior. And they get a leg up on saying things like, “I’m just trying to help you.” It’s so, so sinister.
Same here. I was refused to take a job. After ten years of bondage I decided to leave and thank we didn’t have any kids to keep us connected. I left four months ago 🎉. I pray you leave soon because that’s you truly begin to live and heal 😢
That’s my mum. When you grow up with a parent like this, you will give up your autonomy and don’t know what you want in life. I tended to hang out with friends who booked the venue they liked, ordered the food they wanted and did the things they liked. Until one friend said I was being too nice and asked me if there something I really wanted, I began to question my submissive nature. I think this is due to my controlling mum’s behaviour towards me for so long.
I didn't even know what music I liked when I started trying to figure out who I was, my whole family got their validation from making me like their thing.
There is a very fine line between someone who seems to be caring and taking care of you and someone else who seems to feel the need to insert themselves in your life to "take care of you" out of the need to insert themselves. Being overly caring and being a busibody can become quite toxic.
@jessicadrake652 That's because I have had the experience. The person who did this seemed on the surface to be quite caring. But after a while it came across as rather controlling. And I did not like it.
@rakheepatel9212 be aware 🙂 Awareness may not change your circumstances, but it surely changes your perspective and with that you'll feel a kind of freedom and a sense of boundaries 🤗 Then, either your circumstances will change or you won't care about them at all. Internally things will feel different than now.
@artifundio1 sadly you're so right... (my mom), in 'eyes of everyone' such caretaker, in many ways... it's sickmaking... doc Ramani is an expert, she is always 'spot on', sadly it is partly bc she went thru this as well 😢
@@chrisnam1603 you know? While I was in my first years of the road to healing, I realized that I didn't need anybody to know the real truth about my circumstances. The truth of the matter is that the people who believe my mom's lies are not good for me either. So, why lose time and energy in convincing them of anything? They are not stupid or anything, those people just aren't curious or invested enough to care who's right or wrong. I decided to keep in my life the people who did care. And that's it. They have to choose to heal too, and until then, there's nothing I can do for them (or them for me). ❤️
On point! I used to first angry, then amused that whenever I feel ill, my family of origin would suddenly wake up to the fact that I exist 😂 And they would quickly get extended family and friends involved with this 'newsflash' that I am unwell...and they would follow the script and check up on me...
Trust your instincts. If your guts tells you "Why am I feeling like I'm a child?", you are being controlled. My MIL does this. Ever since I married her son, I always felt like her son and I are playing 'house' and she, the mother, has to overlook everything we do and decide. I thought I was crazy, until the day she yelled at me and said "Your friends need to be approved by me because I care!" Sure you do.... 😂
Oh my gosh talk about it..I moved in with my bf and his brother. Who unbeknownst to me is a narcissist just like their mom. He has raged out several times. Due to us asking him to do chores in the house he lives in too. She has come over twice to "help" him clean up. She's rearranged kitchen items and made snide remarks. She controls his brother and tries to control my bf ( doesn't work) with money. His brother got a visa gift card to buy a game station. So their mom wouldn't see the transaction on his card and criticize him for spending money. (His money that he worked for may I add) when the card started giving him trouble he raged. All of us are adults by the way.
Mother In Laws are enemies till you become one yourself.. understand that women ( many/most) self compromise their identity when they get married and society puts them in a slot of good mother, good wife, good this, good that'..a lot of self validation of women's own sense of self and identity is deeply ingrained through societal conditioning And it's tough for them to let go of that little area of control and attachment she has ..her own children.. Women who are victims themselves of MILs ought to open their eyes to what it really means to be in a MIL situation
The best way I could describe it is when I was a rebellious teenager and I always had that nervous feeling because I was in some trouble with my mom. All warranted because I didn't do homework or respect the house rules or I was disrespectful or lied. Minor offences of a hormonal 16-year-old. But this time I was an adult and did nothing wrong. Yet still had that scared-of-mom or waiting-for-mom-to-find-out-feeling - but instead of my mom trying to raise me well. it was my boyfriend trying to parent me with no specific outcome.
This is 100% my experience. Whenever my exes' mother got involved, it was always her way or no way. It was exhausting. Things like coming round for dinner and changing the menu, always going where she wanted to go and doing what she wanted to do. This transposed to my ex and she was slowly trying to do the same with me as she had seen the way her mother had hen-pecked her father and thought this was a "normal" relationship. I used to call her mum out on her behaviour to my ex and she would defend her till her last dying breath! My ex would say that I was being selfish by denying her mothers unsolicited decisions on our behalf and bad behaviour if I resisted. Even when it was obvious it benefitted no one else but the MIL! It was almost like it was a cult member defending the cult leader. Absolutely astonishing at times😅
Dr. Ramani, I just had a huge realization. He would control everything in the home ( finances, what was said and done, etc.) but he never did anything himself. He would scream that he did all the heavy lifting but I was tasked with taking care of everything with the kids and the household, both inside and out. So, if someone is telling you to do this, that and the other but doesn't lift a finger themselves, that's a huge red flag!!🚩
Im guilty of giving unsolicited advice. As a child of a narcissistic family i was turned into their mother, if i wasn't on their heals inquiring, caring, cleaning, offering aid upon guesses a their passive agressive behaviour i was a "careless and unloving daughter", they took their feelings out on me and if i wasn't constantly problem solving and offering help i was punished by the removal of the foods i was able to eat, so now if someone confides in me (like my parents would trauma dump or use me as thwir counsellors or source of triangulation) i immediately offer information that pertains to whats wrong and this includes advice, im getting better at asking first if they'd like advice or to just vent but sometimes that comes with verbal attack for they claim i should know
@ … and another soul with the capacity to be understanding. Whoever you are, I am sorry you went through that and I am grateful for this reply. You try. Just that says a lot about who you are. Why can’t it be you that gives the unsolicited advice then??? Bc then we can at least discuss how we can discuss it better!!! Oh thank you truly for this comment!! Then let’s say someone does get all huffy with their should haves what is a way YOU would appreciate being told no thank you. Bc I do not say anything at times out of fear of hurting their feelings or saying “I know, I tried that already, I’m not totally dense.” And then putting them off. Yikes! It’s the pushover inside me I’m trying to retrain.
@@kurttoy5035Same. Everything I’ve ever been “given” since childhood was done in exchange for absolute obedience and breaking down all my boundaries and decisions, no matter how good they were for me. Now, I don’t care to play her games, so she bad mouths me to anyone who will listen just to make me look bad. I prefer being seen as “difficult” by whoever believes her BS now.
my therapist told me that when my parents say “well i gave you a roof over your head” that it’s a birth right and to not feel guilty or let them get to me
I couldn’t even start a home project without him stepping in and taking over…even when he was exhausted from taking over every other household or work project. Then it was, “I do everything around here, why can’t others (meaning me) do more??”
Oh, my gosh yes!! Same. He would have no intention of doing a certain project, but it was important to me so I start doing it and then get lashed out at or he'd jump in as quick as he could to not let me keep working or complete it! Infuriating, actually. Sometimes it would be accompanied by a ranting lecture on how I'm not experienced enough to do it right and/or how knowledgeable and great he is at doing these things!
Such brilliant advice. I went through this, and yes it's very confusing. I think covert narcissists are the ones who do this the most. Giving something always comes with a display of annoyance and superiority. Thank you, Dr Ramani for having the BEST channel on this topic. So, so helpful.
I realised that all his "care" and "concern" would be held over my head later. Every argument started with all he does for me! Been out of the relationship six weeks and the pain is hell bc of traumatic bonds. I broke up because of several factors- but a massive one was this caregiving piece/because I am getting ready to have abdominal surgery and I don't want the anxiety of him making me feel guilty for being sick! No I don't want you to take care of me! No I don't want the guilt along with physical pain! 😢
Thanks for sharing. Been there too. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you? That really helped me. Wishing you much strength and fast healing ❤️🩹 ❤ Hugs 🫂
Mine told me he had a panic attack when I was rushed to the hospital, exaggerating. It was guilt inducing and I think he wanted an apology for me needing medical help. Also yelled at me while I was fainting saying I need to get blood tests, etc. I hope you recover wonderfully from both the narc and your surgery. Good for you for leaving, I did too and am so much better off. Watching videos like this are so great.
I wish you well, we’re actually better on our own then with them, even when sick, I’ve been there too. Trust in God, except everything for what it is, and I don’t mean stay or go back I mean that’s what they are, what you’ve seen is who they are, and always will be.
I like that song too. You know the one The Wedding Singer and what's his name I can't remember the fellow's name Adam Sandler's character and he sung to that lady that was going to get married to that ragtag that was tom cattting around on her and he sung on the plane he said all I want to do is grow old with you or something like that I love that song he sung to her. It seemed like a song of caring but not controlling.
I'm from The Deep South, and while listening, I couldn't help recalling plantation owners saying, "WE take care of our slaves. They are WAY better off than they'd be on their own."
And often, much the same sentiment thrives in modern day business. But, at least in my life, I get waaay more accomplished on my own, than I do at work. I am there, because there’s an attendance policy. I am pretty sure, however, that the powers that be, see themselves as nothing but a gift.
Brilliant comment. Narcissism is not just about individuals. Societies and possibly civilisations are based on narcissistic patterns... High time to break the patterns and build healthy relationships, both on the personal and global level. Cheers and thank you.
OMG this was the missing link to my understanding! His 'caring' for me incapacitated me in more ways than one to the point that I felt kidnapped, no autonomy, no say in anything, just overriding fear to do anything, then self-isolating which made it all worse. Couldn't even do the dishes right. Came to a point I was counting the days to die... but myself and everyone else thought he was a saint and I was meant to be grateful. I left the relationship and still struggling with fear when having to make my own decisions. It will take sometime but I'll get there. We all will. I am eternally grateful to you Dr Ramani xx
Been there & after more than a year the trauma bond has faded to a bad memory now but it’s still strong enough to stop me from ever getting intimately involved with anyone ever again
I am micromanaged on a daily basis. From the time I wake up until I go to bed. He offers ”suggestions” all throughout the day. When I am preparing a meal he stands there and literally watches me and will, inevitably, interject with his comments and suggestions. When I ask him why he’s staring at me he’ll say “I’m not, I”m just trying to help.” That is just one instance. All in the name of “helping.” It happens constantly. He treats me like a child. It drives me insane and is exhausting. When I push back I get nowhere and it is a never ending cycle. And I when do anything that remotely resembles this with him and the situation is “reversed” he loses his mind. It’s do as I say not as I do. And even though it’s mind boggling exhausting, I don’t tolerate it.
I always marvel that parents I see today give their kids a say in what their bedroom looks like or clothes they wear. My narc mother had to control all of that when I was growing up. I caved because watching my sister push back caused war-zone trauma in the house. I'm just frustrated it took me this long to understand what was happening for the whole of my life with that woman. And now that I'm pulling away and asserting my boundaries and sticking to them, holy cats there's hell to pay. Thank heavens I don't have to cave anymore to keep the peace. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤
Same. So sorry. That’s spot on with the experience with my mother with things. Everything had conditions. Even as a kid, bc they’re paying for it, she picks it. I wanted a rustic bedroom nothing victorian looking, I was an 80s kid… and for my desk to be in front of the window. Those were my two requests bc kindly enough I thought, she asked. So she chose a beige victorian style, and a desk with a built in bookcase in it. I did not express disappointment aside from asking if the bookcase could be detached and moved on something else bc I saw screws in the back - I was 9 lol, and she said no and that I should be grateful that they can afford to get me a bedroom set bc other children had so much less. At that point I started learning when to pretend and I can’t stand faking it to this day. Yay. In the end, thank you for not letting this mold you into an extension of them and doing your part for you and those around you, to pave a loving way.
@@user-wi9hv2pb2q that’s awful. I’m sorry. We know better and won’t repeat in whatever ways we can. Thank you to all the warmth and kindness I surely know you share with others. Love never fails! 💜
My Dad would say things like "You don't know what you're doing" or "You don't know what you're talking about". It was always "You don't know, They don't know"
that doesnt make your dad narcissist. could be that he feels entitled could be that he is coping but not necssarily a narcissist . every kid is now finding ways to fit their parents behaviour as narcissism because of this gossip monger ramani. \ this woman really enjoys takng about only this one topic. look at the glee she shows eveyrtime she speaks about it. i fail to agree she isnt having traits of some disorder herself. before you know it , she will take her revenge by diagnosing me wiht it and or worse.
Well said! This is how the narcissist manipulate others into thinking that they care about the person, when really behind the scenes they are trying to be that persons puppet master. In this way, the narcissist is looking for a double opportunity in order to receive supply. 1st the audiences attention about the matter and then the person that they say they are trying to help. When they crave attention and the spotlight, this is one of the ways they move or behave.
3:30 - I experienced a similar minimizing with my abuser, but instead of "taking care" of me when I was sick, they would constantly tell me my symptoms were just psychosomatic and I wasn't actually as sick as I was acting. And in the moments we were intimate, they acted like they knew my body better than I do and wouldn't listen or took offense when I asked for something different. I'm still working through the anxiety I have around relationships now because of the way they treated me.
This is a wonderful video I feel seen. My two narcissitic parents always enjoyed when I was sick and could control me and then complain out loud when I had recoverd, it was twisted. They also isolated me from everybody so now I'm a 45 year old hermit and I'm struggling financially so my narc mother is very happy that she gets to control and humiliate me by giving me money, It's a horrible situation and I can't find a job to support myself, I'm trapped and I hate her
I had to move back in with my family due to financial issues from a car accident that left me unable to work for a while. I was also helping my family by paying them rent and taking care of my nephews. But my mom would say that I ‘couldn’t handle my finances’ and my dad would say ‘no one asked you to help’ and so they painted me as this messed up incapable person whenever I expressed concerns. The dynamic was awful, after horrible fights with them, where my mom said horribly emotionally abusive things about me, she would buy me gifts and expect me to then be ok. It was super messed up. Grateful for therapy and this program to help me get back on my feet and remember who I am. Everything thinks my mom’s a saint cause she gives so much to people, but it’s very much used to control them and make herself look good. I don’t care what others think now. So many blind enablers all around. I know the truth and am taking myself back. Disengaging keeping boundaries and focusing on me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I’m sorry that you had to experience this type of pain, keep on looking after yourself,so that you can share your positive self with others and you can experience a healthy relationship that is about you,me and us ! You should only care about what others think about you or your behaviour if they are truly concerned about you,me and us . Otherwise it is toxic.
OMG. I just described my father. It was a total lack of freedom in every field of my life. What a painful childhood. I finally found the strenghth to go away. Thank you to bring so much clarity and awareness ♥
This word minimization really gave me a light bulb moment helping with the dissonance. It's the difference between care and control. It chips away slowly at identity and self worth until you get burnt out and just can't speak up anymore. Thank you for this word minimization. X
There IS no care, only control. Have experienced it a billion times with so many people that now i think the majority of people are narcissistic and the rest are their enablers and only a few live their own lives.
1) mild: Minimization/ demeaning comments extreme: always asking about my whereabouts 2) We do things they they want so that they feel in control. They program our minds with fear that if we don’t do things their way, they will be angry and we can’t afford to make them angry because of their rage. 3) They do everything for you in “favour” or buy “gifts”. They will bookkeep all these favours and demean you in exchange, sucking out your self-esteem. 4) they can ask you anything but if you ask them the same thing, they are offended.
@@maryyoung4046 why do they all sound the same!! Mine said..Who is going to love you when I''m gone? We were both practicing Christians..so I said Jesus? He blanked out.
OMG my ex used to ask "are you OK?" to throw me through a loop. Also, "I worry about you" with a scrunched up super concerned fake expression. I thought something was off and will never get involved with a narc again!
That's a putdown, or devaluation, for sure. My mother would often say, "I pray for you every day." "I'm so worried about you." "You poor thing." "You look so tired." Then she would criticize my looks, clothes, job, parenting and house. I would primp and prime for two hours before visiting. Not once did she notice that I was relatively happy and successful. I would arrived well-rested and end up exhausted for three days after every visit.
I am a 44 and finally living alone after super intense therapy work. I was in my parents' basement for the last six years. At least once a day I came upstairs to the immediate greeting, "what's wrong?" from my mother. It made me question myself every day.
Being controlling obliges others. Being caring obliges me. Controlling: I need your safety, so I don’t want you to date anybody but the people whom I approve. Caring: I need your safety. That means, if you ever go out with somebody and find yourself in a dangerous situation, you can call me and I will come get you and help you.
Watching this in the middle of applying for jobs to get the hell out of dodge. After my car died a year and a half ago I am not allowed to use either of the cars (there are 2 of them) to work a job. Being absolutely controlled. Been looking for a virtual job to save money. No luck. Now searching for one that is close enough so that ubering will allow me to at least pay for food...it is horrific. Please people, get financially stable regardless of whether or not your abuser is a parent or significant other.
in the exact same situation to the point that I'm shocked you have a different name from me and I didn't make this comment! I'm at the point of gathering evidence to report them to the IRS for reward but even then can only think of 'teaching lessons' if I'm first out and in safety. For me the job doesn't have to be virtual, I'd rather it be in person so I'm forced to relocate and the company pays me accordingly for where they're located - in my line of work and many other skilled/white collar jobs similar to mine, many companies have used remote work since 2020 as an excuse to outsource as many as humanly possible, and those they don't outsource they keep remote so they can somehow justify paying less "because you don't have to live [here]" (which isn't true, if you try moving to somewhere cheaper, and don't have a legit VBN set up they don't clock, then they dock your pay). It's hell.
@@lolaloliepop Oh I hear you! Yes! if you can get a job where a company will move you away then definitely do so!!!! That's ideal! I don't have a career. Abuser made sure of it. I've only had retail jobs and entry level jobs in healthcare here and there which makes it unrealistic for any company to move me out. I wish! But I am praying for you so that you can find a job like that! I truly hope you will be hired, reimbursed for a move, and perhaps even be payed a stipend. One of my ex-boyfriends a long time ago was given a stipend for housing on top of being paid for a move and earning a good salary. He was a chemical engineer. So yes those situations are definitely possible. I hope you can find something like that!!!!! That would be amazing!
Wished I realised that before I married my Muslim husband. Needless to say that I brought thousands of kilometres between us to be safe from this insane controlling behaviour. Never again!
my mum would say, “ I know you better than you know yourself” , coupled with me being chronically unwell. I now know it was mostly my CPTSD from the stress of living with her.
Wow, thank you! That 'care' becomes a comfort zone. They make you emotionally uncomfortable and then comfort you through 'care', making you more emotionally dependent on them. So you eventually just give into the control to experience some comfort and tenderness. I always felt my ex was happy when I was sick and being sick gave me a lot of relief from the stress he put on me. My boyfriend now tells me he knows I am strong and takes good care of myself. And he doesn't worry about me when I have something as mild as the flu... He is more of a cheerleader than a caregiver (of course not for serious things.. speaking of flu and headaches or cramps). Encourage me to overcome through natural remedies and rest not pumping me with pills. In the beginning, it triggered me because I felt he didn't care. Now I realize the respect and autonomy I am experiencing, he complements my inner strength.
"I'm doing this for your own good". "I'll help you whether you like it or not". This is my parents. And now they are doing it to a number of their family members while complaining about how busy they are "helping" all these people when these people didn't even necessarily ask for it or even want it.
Martyr syndrome is a popular outlet & manipulative technique for gaining self-generated feed 😂 among them. They think they look so righteous. Nope. It's pathetic & transparent & ridiculous, & also frustrating.
Another caring as control tactic is the person constantly saying “I’m worried about your (sport / hobby / recreational activity).”When they worry because they have absolutely no experience about the activity. Even though you maybe an expert at the activity they say they are worried. Patronizing. Worrying is not the same as caring. When I asked the person to stop worrying, she became angry and cutoff communication
Your videos always feel so timely for me, Dr. Ramani! I’m at a point in life where your videos have helped me realize sooner than I would’ve thought that I AM ready to leave. This week has been especially hard with my husband “helping” me with tiny things around the house and his toxic control emerged and certainly did confuse me! So I appreciated your video more than I would have! Thank you for all that you do!
I always got "listen to my words", talking to me like I'm a 5 year old and he was my husband. He also tried to give me time outs, talk about control and degradation! That's when I would walk away, otherwise I'd scream!!!!
We received a long lecture from the stepMIL filled with care and concern about decisions ranging from our home, our coffee choice, my education, our dog, yada yada. After receiving this lecture, I realized it is a miracle that we made it to our 30's using our own brains..... This same inlaw is not talking to us any more because we responded to her long apology with boundaries. We also reminded her of her own words that we aren't children any more. It's been over 1.5 years since she has talked to us. She recently went online and claimed she was living her best life and unapologetically removing toxic people.
It is extremely frustrating when they see you as toxic, especially when you really tried. So much of it is wrapped up in their image maintenance. I had to have faith that people who are actually mature would be willing to determine my capacity for themselves.
My ex still says "I'm the only person who ever truly cared about you" - and he always says it in a tone with an underlying (almost hidden) aggressiveness to it
My ex would insist on “helping me” by taking over of what I was doing and by making decisions for me, and saying it’s cuz he cares He’d create problems where there weren’t any, and tell me that it’s cuz he cares and cuz I never ask for help. I told him I don’t ask for help if I don’t need it and I ask if I do, and I specifically don’t ask him cuz he forces himself onto and into my situation. Again, he said he does it cuz if he doesn’t, he knows I won’t ask for help… He basically was doing this to try to get me to feel like I can’t do anything by and for myself, and also to make himself feel like the hero in every situation I truly hated it
I truly appreciate your work. You have opened my eyes for the very first time! I have all the feelings that you have described in all your videos. I've been married for 17 years, and truly thought I was going crazy, but I'm married to a narcissist. Thank you for opening my mind! You gave me my voice and identity I lost a long time. Thank you so much!!!! You're so insightful and have done wonders for people. I can never show you enough gratitude for what you have done. You're absolutely amazing thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. You're definitely changing people's perspective on relationships. Thank you for being so kind and I admire your ambition to help people out.
You are just describing my mother! It looks like you know her !!! Everything is a nightmare when you just want to be yourself, choose a cake or a dress for your wedding or color for your daughter's party, and this is the top of the iceberg! Is so painful growing up with them. I have currently not been in contact with my mother and my abusive brother from about 4 years ago. And I can tell you that in the beginning it was very difficult but it was the best decision I ever take!!
Oh my, when you went into the things that they would say about finances I was snatched back to those early days with my ex where he would say that to me, among other horrible things. The whole time, HE was MESSING UP the money. I had to clean up his credit and his financial messes in order to close on our home, then he accused me of being petty about finances. I couldn't even spend money on my hobbies - but boy, DID HE.
Oh my goodness yes! Thank you so much for these clear Nuanced treatment of subjects that are anything but cut and dry black or white. You're helping us all learn good solid discernment, which seems to be highly needed.
this one hits home so deeply especially the telling you you can't take care of yourself right and need to listen to every minute thing they tell you to do because they know better. that they can engage in something detrimental but write it off as they have more experience or more control of themselves than you so it's not a problem for them (like alcohol).
Whenever I voiced an opinion different from my senior colleague he would become angry and say things like "Maybe you should think about leaving" or "You are going to tear this department apart." One time I found it so threatening that when he left I felt compelled to write a letter (in which I copied the Dean) saying "If you ever do that again, I will call security." When he came in on Monday (before he saw the letter) he sought me out to not apologize but smooth things over. Once he saw the letter, he said something to the effect that he didn't realize how serious I took it. He had absolutely no self awareness of the inappropriateness of his behavior.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! ❤ My original family is dysfunctional, and I survived an abusive relationship. Now, I'm looking to understand what healthy relationships are about. When I am dealing with my parents, siblings, and friends, I am always worried not to be controlled. I value my freedom so much now, and I think I am quite sensitive to controlling behaviours
Take it from someone who was controlled their entire childhood, you will struggle with doing things for yourself. Learn how to manage finances on your own so you can start to manage your life on your own.
@@ginkgo2021 I admit, I learned that very same thing. The moment I do ask for help, it comes with attachments I don't want. Having narcissistic family members has made me a stronger person though. I value my alone time. I don't have to be around them just because they hold the title of family.
@@TheDerangedBlood this made me sigh in relief. Bittersweet to read relatability but man, to know others get it. The control piece is intense and the power they feel when you ask for anything… it’s like they’re seeing an all powerful ring or something. Puppet masters. It’s hard to accept the slander going on and at the same time there too, better alone than in bad company.
I never got the contempt or criticism with the control but was still manipulated to eat, wear, and do things I didn't really want to. I complied because I felt guilty and ungrateful not to. I thought he was being so nurturing and generous at the time. Now I realise he didn't actually listen to what I wanted or care about my values and I can't believe that my vegetarian self was eating curried sausages because I felt rude not to.
Mine told me that when we move into our new house that “things were going to be different”-by which he meant that we would 1.) not visit my family 2.) not get to know the neighbors 3.) not make friends or invite people over. I knew at that point that my life was about to close shut like a heavy door and I had to get out.
A person who loves you desires to empower, enhance & encourage YOU. A controller is involved n a dark theater involving their own past relived in undecipherable way. It therefore involves deceit. One discovers ultimately that though zealously seif-willed, they are at the same time very weak and intererpersonally ineffectual-- not strong, which they hide under all the controlling. Part of the weakness is avoidance of honest self-disclosure. Underneath all their posturing & obsessive will to power in my experience is a tiny voice within them afraid to say:"Help me!! Help me!! Sorry if name icon comes up 2x. Some sort of computer glitch we don't know how to fix.
Dr Ramani you described me (narc mom), and many of her friends (narc women with now unsuccessful children). They sit around talking about how great moms they are and how much their kids are losers. The truth is myself, and the other examples, are emotionally scarred picking up the slack of their parenting. We are the older parentified children, who only learned to be extensions of them. I am lucky life found a path out for me, but I am working on it. Right now she still has control over me, and possibly could have more. And that includes a path to control my daughter in the future too. I’m trying for a life that avoids that. Now is a critical time for me. But the young people out there now are so lucky to have this info online, that took me a decade to realize the pattern!
My current partner is *not a narcissist* . We've been together nearly 30 years and I became severely disabled roughly 10 years ago. Disability completely derailed the dynamic of our relationship. I know that a lot of unresolved trauma from childhood, as well as my first marriage, bubbles up and interferes with my interpretation of "caring". It's really difficult because disability puts us both in a position that neither of us signed up for. Neither of us lost our empathy, though. This video has been very useful flagging up the differences.
Toxic control. One lovely weekend day, wasband and I were sitting on the porch. He casually said he'd been thinking about ways to kill me, if I became seriously sick. OMG...
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
I learnt their intense anxiety gets externalized where they can't regulate within the environment they are stressed by. So they try change the environment to regulate. It's almost like an infant mentality. Primal sense to get someone or something else to regulate them.
...could be a parent, sibling, children, friends, relatives, Boss, colleagues, etc...that feeling of being shelfed into a dark corner😔although very insightful indeed, many thanks Dr. Ramani as always, hope you are well🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
thank you dr. ramani, hearing this from an actual professional has been so validating to me. my mother is like this and she's always been enabled by people around her, and anytime i try to open up or reach out to people for help, i've been dismissed and my problems belittled. i really appreciate you doc
I take care of myself; Dad(narcissist) doesn't need to control me! I don't live with him and am 60(me). He has no business oppressing me! I stopped contacting him after a miserable phone call to him in August. I feel free, now!
My experience has been with a covert narcissist making me responsible for their health. In order to control the situation they have put the responsibility of their health and well being on me by refusing to make good choices for themselves. It has been a living hell and one I wish on no one. No one can guilt you better than a vulnerable, covert narcissist. They truly live in a world of delusion and don't care who they take down as long as they maintain their false sense of control even at the cost of their own demise.
Informative video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
@@carlossoler-m4yif you love them let them go. Life is giving opportunity to find your path forward any spiritual whatevers just going to empty your pocket and it may hurt you more
"Feel incompetent in adulthood".. Yes, my mother still 'helps' with everything. She barges in and tries to take over. Now it's hard to adult, because wanting to "help"...she's like that with everyone. Her mother does the same.
Hello dr. Ramani and all viewers. Just here to say thank you and to share a thought. I find the tv series Columbo extremely interesting for anyone interested in the "narcissism" field. I'm now re-watching "Murder: a self portrait" and I recommend it and the series to everybody. Greetings everyone and congratulations on your pursuit to freedom.
Dr Ramani I’m Indian and I just need to say how happy and seen I feel knowing people like you and Dr k who come from my community care so much about mental health
Wow, you just described my childhood and marriage! 'Not Allowed, No, Can't, Shouldn't, Don't' etc Controlled who, what, when, where, why, how I was allowed to exist. All about Power and Control.... Some acts are terrifying or their rage if I didn't comply became terrorizing. Up, a grown ass adult here who hasn't a clue how to adult myself. 😢
Ugh. This really sucks. My mother definitely took over everything. She made me a scrapbook of pictures from my childhood. She “borrowed” it for showing a friend. I haven’t seen it since. She still has it. And there’s a ton of things I didn’t know and wasn’t taught until I learned it later.
It has been imp to hear and realise that people dont change their characteristics ....really saved from someone very close because of your guidance Also Happy Diwali 2024!!!
Yes! I’ve silently referred to it as micromanaging. When I was last sick with a virus, I’m feeling lousy and in bed. She wanted me to take some OTC pain reliever. I declined, and she stomped out of the room in a huff saying I’m just trying to take care of you!! I’m a nurse, and I know what I want to take or not. I was sick but felt like I had to take care of her feelings.
Ever since i was a child, my parents had ultimate say on everything i did, to the point of how i acted or what i said among relatives that i could look at their eyes every time i said something to see how they react and would constantly be in an anxious state. Other relatives applauded this parenting, that i was so “obedient” . Every time we were in a family gathering, or at someone’s house, I’d worry if I’ll get scolded when we get home. I’ll worry if i said anything wrong. I’ll worry if im going to get scolded in the car ride back home. And as i grew up, i subconsciously resented family gatherings and extended family. I hated them coming over. Things also got more intense . With every move i made constantly watched like a hawk,without even realising i became paralysed. Then one day when i was 19,my dad suddenly told me to do my own school chores because now i should be “independent” and would shame me for being why and him doing everything for me if i didn’t. It was nerve wrecking but I’d rather do it than get humiliated by him. It’s so strange. I felt like a mouse. Suddenly told to fill my own bag of grains when every breath i took was watched and monitored.
The person I'm no contact with won't believe a single thing I say unless someone else says it too. I have to get a psychologist to agree, and then they back off for a little bit. But after a while, they are back at their old tricks, maybe sneakier, but I'm never allowed to have my own opinion. I can't possibly be right, she knows better, no matter how many times I was right. Her response? "What if I'm right" uhh, that's literally never happened. But she needs me to be incompetent so that she can force her shit help on me..
They don’t always say these things in a mean way. That is even more confusing. They say it in a kind way, making you believe they actually are looking out for you, until you look deeper.
VERY true, good point. Often it’s the incessant communication, paternalistic, without giving room for autonomy
Yup! Then you feel like crap for calling them out on this piss poor behavior. And they get a leg up on saying things like, “I’m just trying to help you.” It’s so, so sinister.
OMG YES!!!
Ultimate goal controls someone's life. Being financially controlled is the darkest thing Narcissist do. I've been there.
Me too, Although I'm still stuck because they made me dependent but I'm planning my escape. Most probably by starting next year
When enabled they honestly feel they are entitled to take money of others to ensure they can control it
Same here
Same here. I was refused to take a job. After ten years of bondage I decided to leave and thank we didn’t have any kids to keep us connected. I left four months ago 🎉. I pray you leave soon because that’s you truly begin to live and heal 😢
@@FavourIkhina Thankyou 🙏🏼
That’s my mum. When you grow up with a parent like this, you will give up your autonomy and don’t know what you want in life. I tended to hang out with friends who booked the venue they liked, ordered the food they wanted and did the things they liked. Until one friend said I was being too nice and asked me if there something I really wanted, I began to question my submissive nature. I think this is due to my controlling mum’s behaviour towards me for so long.
I didn't even know what music I liked when I started trying to figure out who I was, my whole family got their validation from making me like their thing.
You are lucky to have stumbled into a good person.
This is me.
Abusing someone ill is utter cruelty.
Sure is 😢
There is a very fine line between someone who seems to be caring and taking care of you and someone else who seems to feel the need to insert themselves in your life to "take care of you" out of the need to insert themselves. Being overly caring and being a busibody can become quite toxic.
exactly
This happened to me.
That’s wonderfully said.
@jessicadrake652 That's because I have had the experience. The person who did this seemed on the surface to be quite caring. But after a while it came across as rather controlling. And I did not like it.
@ same thing happened to me. He got me fired & now I’m trapped with no help to get away.
Yes! Thank you. They enjoy controling people through illnesses, because it makes them look useful and competent in front of the community.
And being disabled wtf can you do?!
@rakheepatel9212 be aware 🙂
Awareness may not change your circumstances, but it surely changes your perspective and with that you'll feel a kind of freedom and a sense of boundaries 🤗
Then, either your circumstances will change or you won't care about them at all. Internally things will feel different than now.
@artifundio1
sadly you're so right... (my mom), in 'eyes of everyone' such caretaker, in many ways... it's sickmaking... doc Ramani is an expert, she is always 'spot on', sadly it is partly bc she went thru this as well 😢
@@chrisnam1603 you know? While I was in my first years of the road to healing, I realized that I didn't need anybody to know the real truth about my circumstances. The truth of the matter is that the people who believe my mom's lies are not good for me either. So, why lose time and energy in convincing them of anything? They are not stupid or anything, those people just aren't curious or invested enough to care who's right or wrong.
I decided to keep in my life the people who did care. And that's it. They have to choose to heal too, and until then, there's nothing I can do for them (or them for me).
❤️
On point! I used to first angry, then amused that whenever I feel ill, my family of origin would suddenly wake up to the fact that I exist 😂
And they would quickly get extended family and friends involved with this 'newsflash' that I am unwell...and they would follow the script and check up on me...
Trust your instincts. If your guts tells you "Why am I feeling like I'm a child?", you are being controlled. My MIL does this. Ever since I married her son, I always felt like her son and I are playing 'house' and she, the mother, has to overlook everything we do and decide. I thought I was crazy, until the day she yelled at me and said "Your friends need to be approved by me because I care!" Sure you do.... 😂
Oh my gosh talk about it..I moved in with my bf and his brother. Who unbeknownst to me is a narcissist just like their mom. He has raged out several times. Due to us asking him to do chores in the house he lives in too. She has come over twice to "help" him clean up. She's rearranged kitchen items and made snide remarks. She controls his brother and tries to control my bf ( doesn't work) with money. His brother got a visa gift card to buy a game station. So their mom wouldn't see the transaction on his card and criticize him for spending money. (His money that he worked for may I add) when the card started giving him trouble he raged. All of us are adults by the way.
Wow! Crazy! My husband makes me feel like a child, and when I state that, he insists its just being caring! No, it's definitely more than that!
Mother In Laws are enemies till you become one yourself.. understand that women ( many/most) self compromise their identity when they get married and society puts them in a slot of good mother, good wife, good this, good that'..a lot of self validation of women's own sense of self and identity is deeply ingrained through societal conditioning
And it's tough for them to let go of that little area of control and attachment she has
..her own children..
Women who are victims themselves of MILs ought to open their eyes to what it really means to be in a MIL situation
The best way I could describe it is when I was a rebellious teenager and I always had that nervous feeling because I was in some trouble with my mom. All warranted because I didn't do homework or respect the house rules or I was disrespectful or lied. Minor offences of a hormonal 16-year-old. But this time I was an adult and did nothing wrong. Yet still had that scared-of-mom or waiting-for-mom-to-find-out-feeling - but instead of my mom trying to raise me well. it was my boyfriend trying to parent me with no specific outcome.
This is 100% my experience. Whenever my exes' mother got involved, it was always her way or no way. It was exhausting. Things like coming round for dinner and changing the menu, always going where she wanted to go and doing what she wanted to do. This transposed to my ex and she was slowly trying to do the same with me as she had seen the way her mother had hen-pecked her father and thought this was a "normal" relationship. I used to call her mum out on her behaviour to my ex and she would defend her till her last dying breath! My ex would say that I was being selfish by denying her mothers unsolicited decisions on our behalf and bad behaviour if I resisted. Even when it was obvious it benefitted no one else but the MIL! It was almost like it was a cult member defending the cult leader. Absolutely astonishing at times😅
'You may need that cup of tea, but it may not be worth the psychological sting' ❤
Spot on dr Ramani. Unsolicited advice equals criticism and whoever wants to control you doesn’t trust you and is your enemy not a friend.
When they start with the “you should haves” I have learned, do not nurture that acquaintance for anything more.
Dr. Ramani, I just had a huge realization. He would control everything in the home ( finances, what was said and done, etc.) but he never did anything himself. He would scream that he did all the heavy lifting but I was tasked with taking care of everything with the kids and the household, both inside and out. So, if someone is telling you to do this, that and the other but doesn't lift a finger themselves, that's a huge red flag!!🚩
Im guilty of giving unsolicited advice. As a child of a narcissistic family i was turned into their mother, if i wasn't on their heals inquiring, caring, cleaning, offering aid upon guesses a their passive agressive behaviour i was a "careless and unloving daughter", they took their feelings out on me and if i wasn't constantly problem solving and offering help i was punished by the removal of the foods i was able to eat, so now if someone confides in me (like my parents would trauma dump or use me as thwir counsellors or source of triangulation) i immediately offer information that pertains to whats wrong and this includes advice, im getting better at asking first if they'd like advice or to just vent but sometimes that comes with verbal attack for they claim i should know
@@sunnystardust1008agree 💯 %
@ … and another soul with the capacity to be understanding. Whoever you are, I am sorry you went through that and I am grateful for this reply. You try. Just that says a lot about who you are. Why can’t it be you that gives the unsolicited advice then??? Bc then we can at least discuss how we can discuss it better!!! Oh thank you truly for this comment!! Then let’s say someone does get all huffy with their should haves what is a way YOU would appreciate being told no thank you. Bc I do not say anything at times out of fear of hurting their feelings or saying “I know, I tried that already, I’m not totally dense.” And then putting them off. Yikes! It’s the pushover inside me I’m trying to retrain.
This is my mother. I'm 28 and she still tries to control me, and it seems like she's "caring" to others.
I was controlled by my late mom until she died when I was 38.
I was controlled by my late mom until she died when I was 38 years of age.
@@kurttoy5035Same. Everything I’ve ever been “given” since childhood was done in exchange for absolute obedience and breaking down all my boundaries and decisions, no matter how good they were for me.
Now, I don’t care to play her games, so she bad mouths me to anyone who will listen just to make me look bad. I prefer being seen as “difficult” by whoever believes her BS now.
This is soo my Aunt, I cut her off but she didn’t care because she thought I would go back to her. I didn’t now she knows I meant it when I left.
Literally same
my therapist told me that when my parents say “well i gave you a roof over your head” that it’s a birth right and to not feel guilty or let them get to me
I couldn’t even start a home project without him stepping in and taking over…even when he was exhausted from taking over every other household or work project. Then it was, “I do everything around here, why can’t others (meaning me) do more??”
Wowww😮
Yes!! They think they're the only ones who can do anything "the right way." It is crippling!
Oh, my gosh yes!! Same. He would have no intention of doing a certain project, but it was important to me so I start doing it and then get lashed out at or he'd jump in as quick as he could to not let me keep working or complete it! Infuriating, actually. Sometimes it would be accompanied by a ranting lecture on how I'm not experienced enough to do it right and/or how knowledgeable and great he is at doing these things!
Yes!! Except,my mil would do this with me.
oh boy (groan)
Such brilliant advice. I went through this, and yes it's very confusing. I think covert narcissists are the ones who do this the most. Giving something always comes with a display of annoyance and superiority. Thank you, Dr Ramani for having the BEST channel on this topic. So, so helpful.
I realised that all his "care" and "concern" would be held over my head later. Every argument started with all he does for me! Been out of the relationship six weeks and the pain is hell bc of traumatic bonds. I broke up because of several factors- but a massive one was this caregiving piece/because I am getting ready to have abdominal surgery and I don't want the anxiety of him making me feel guilty for being sick! No I don't want you to take care of me! No I don't want the guilt along with physical pain! 😢
Thanks for sharing. Been there too. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you? That really helped me. Wishing you much strength and fast healing ❤️🩹 ❤ Hugs 🫂
Praying that your surgery goes well and with no complications. God bless you. Amen!
Mine told me he had a panic attack when I was rushed to the hospital, exaggerating. It was guilt inducing and I think he wanted an apology for me needing medical help. Also yelled at me while I was fainting saying I need to get blood tests, etc.
I hope you recover wonderfully from both the narc and your surgery. Good for you for leaving, I did too and am so much better off. Watching videos like this are so great.
I wish you well, we’re actually better on our own then with them, even when sick, I’ve been there too. Trust in God, except everything for what it is, and I don’t mean stay or go back I mean that’s what they are, what you’ve seen is who they are, and always will be.
Good foresight and good decision.
i used to love the song, Someone to watch over me, but when you've been watched over incorrectly, you never want that again.
There's a mystery novel with that song in it & as a title, & it's based on a truly sick individual, the perpetrator.
I like that song too. You know the one The Wedding Singer and what's his name I can't remember the fellow's name Adam Sandler's character and he sung to that lady that was going to get married to that ragtag that was tom cattting around on her and he sung on the plane he said all I want to do is grow old with you or something like that I love that song he sung to her. It seemed like a song of caring but not controlling.
I'm from The Deep South, and while listening, I couldn't help recalling plantation owners saying, "WE take care of our slaves. They are WAY better off than they'd be on their own."
And often, much the same sentiment thrives in modern day business. But, at least in my life, I get waaay more accomplished on my own, than I do at work. I am there, because there’s an attendance policy. I am pretty sure, however, that the powers that be, see themselves as nothing but a gift.
Brilliant comment. Narcissism is not just about individuals. Societies and possibly civilisations are based on narcissistic patterns... High time to break the patterns and build healthy relationships, both on the personal and global level. Cheers and thank you.
@@kitiamuriel narcissism and racism are known to be close relatives.
Wow
Lot of people down south think this way
OMG this was the missing link to my understanding! His 'caring' for me incapacitated me in more ways than one to the point that I felt kidnapped, no autonomy, no say in anything, just overriding fear to do anything, then self-isolating which made it all worse. Couldn't even do the dishes right. Came to a point I was counting the days to die... but myself and everyone else thought he was a saint and I was meant to be grateful. I left the relationship and still struggling with fear when having to make my own decisions. It will take sometime but I'll get there. We all will. I am eternally grateful to you Dr Ramani xx
Been there & after more than a year the trauma bond has faded to a bad memory now but it’s still strong enough to stop me from ever getting intimately involved with anyone ever again
I'm so sorry you went through that
I am micromanaged on a daily basis. From the time I wake up until I go to bed. He offers ”suggestions” all throughout the day. When I am preparing a meal he stands there and literally watches me and will, inevitably, interject with his comments and suggestions. When I ask him why he’s staring at me he’ll say “I’m not, I”m just trying to help.” That is just one instance. All in the name of “helping.” It happens constantly. He treats me like a child. It drives me insane and is exhausting. When I push back I get nowhere and it is a never ending cycle. And I when do anything that remotely resembles this with him and the situation is “reversed” he loses his mind. It’s do as I say not as I do. And even though it’s mind boggling exhausting, I don’t tolerate it.
I feel so bad for you dear I wish you weren't going through that.
I feel you
Is there is no way for you to get out from him?
I am too with everything and I mean everything.
Yep! Same thing this a away 🙄
I always marvel that parents I see today give their kids a say in what their bedroom looks like or clothes they wear. My narc mother had to control all of that when I was growing up. I caved because watching my sister push back caused war-zone trauma in the house. I'm just frustrated it took me this long to understand what was happening for the whole of my life with that woman. And now that I'm pulling away and asserting my boundaries and sticking to them, holy cats there's hell to pay. Thank heavens I don't have to cave anymore to keep the peace. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤
Same
Same. So sorry. That’s spot on with the experience with my mother with things. Everything had conditions. Even as a kid, bc they’re paying for it, she picks it. I wanted a rustic bedroom nothing victorian looking, I was an 80s kid… and for my desk to be in front of the window. Those were my two requests bc kindly enough I thought, she asked. So she chose a beige victorian style, and a desk with a built in bookcase in it. I did not express disappointment aside from asking if the bookcase could be detached and moved on something else bc I saw screws in the back - I was 9 lol, and she said no and that I should be grateful that they can afford to get me a bedroom set bc other children had so much less. At that point I started learning when to pretend and I can’t stand faking it to this day. Yay.
In the end, thank you for not letting this mold you into an extension of them and doing your part for you and those around you, to pave a loving way.
same. all clothes good will and 5x too big and usually the wrong gender. no say in 'my room' it was literally a closet with a broken door
@@user-wi9hv2pb2q that’s awful. I’m sorry. We know better and won’t repeat in whatever ways we can. Thank you to all the warmth and kindness I surely know you share with others. Love never fails! 💜
the way you described you and your sister and the war zone. same here
My Dad would say things like "You don't know what you're doing" or "You don't know what you're talking about". It was always "You don't know, They don't know"
that doesnt make your dad narcissist. could be that he feels entitled could be that he is coping but not necssarily a narcissist . every kid is now finding ways to fit their parents behaviour as narcissism because of this gossip monger ramani.
\
this woman really enjoys takng about only this one topic. look at the glee she shows eveyrtime she speaks about it. i fail to agree she isnt having traits of some disorder herself.
before you know it , she will take her revenge by diagnosing me wiht it and or worse.
@@montyniranjan5344 She doesn't need to. We are not blind around here. 😂
@@WildWoodsGirl65 lololol
Well said! This is how the narcissist manipulate others into thinking that they care about the person, when really behind the scenes they are trying to be that persons puppet master. In this way, the narcissist is looking for a double opportunity in order to receive supply. 1st the audiences attention about the matter and then the person that they say they are trying to help. When they crave attention and the spotlight, this is one of the ways they move or behave.
Yes. The tyranny of “care”
Well said 👍🏽
The instances of "help" are so spot on, it chills. Poisoned help.
3:30 - I experienced a similar minimizing with my abuser, but instead of "taking care" of me when I was sick, they would constantly tell me my symptoms were just psychosomatic and I wasn't actually as sick as I was acting. And in the moments we were intimate, they acted like they knew my body better than I do and wouldn't listen or took offense when I asked for something different. I'm still working through the anxiety I have around relationships now because of the way they treated me.
Omg 😳 you’re literally talking about my narcissistic parents. It’s like you’re talking to my soul and I have chills about it right now.
Same😢 my my mom
I'll soon move in with my sister
She's a scapegoat
@@warhead9095 Amen......validate others as you want to be validated......say how nice thing are (even IF you thot otherwise).
This is a wonderful video I feel seen. My two narcissitic parents always enjoyed when I was sick and could control me and then complain out loud when I had recoverd, it was twisted. They also isolated me from everybody so now I'm a 45 year old hermit and I'm struggling financially so my narc mother is very happy that she gets to control and humiliate me by giving me money, It's a horrible situation and I can't find a job to support myself, I'm trapped and I hate her
Im in the exact situation, and I fuckin hate her too!!!!!!!!!!
I had to move back in with my family due to financial issues from a car accident that left me unable to work for a while. I was also helping my family by paying them rent and taking care of my nephews. But my mom would say that I ‘couldn’t handle my finances’ and my dad would say ‘no one asked you to help’ and so they painted me as this messed up incapable person whenever I expressed concerns. The dynamic was awful, after horrible fights with them, where my mom said horribly emotionally abusive things about me, she would buy me gifts and expect me to then be ok. It was super messed up. Grateful for therapy and this program to help me get back on my feet and remember who I am. Everything thinks my mom’s a saint cause she gives so much to people, but it’s very much used to control them and make herself look good. I don’t care what others think now. So many blind enablers all around. I know the truth and am taking myself back. Disengaging keeping boundaries and focusing on me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I've been in your shoes and I'll be praying for your fortitude of mind. Stay strong in your Spirit! God bless you. Amen!
I’m sorry that you had to experience this type of pain, keep on looking after yourself,so that you can share your positive self with others and you can experience a healthy relationship that is about you,me and us !
You should only care about what others think about you or your behaviour if they are truly concerned about you,me and us .
Otherwise it is toxic.
OMG. I just described my father. It was a total lack of freedom in every field of my life. What a painful childhood. I finally found the strenghth to go away. Thank you to bring so much clarity and awareness ♥
This word minimization really gave me a light bulb moment helping with the dissonance. It's the difference between care and control. It chips away slowly at identity and self worth until you get burnt out and just can't speak up anymore. Thank you for this word minimization. X
yes exactly
There IS no care, only control. Have experienced it a billion times with so many people that now i think the majority of people are narcissistic and the rest are their enablers and only a few live their own lives.
Absolutely that cup of tea comes inequitably loaded. Choose your cups of tea with wise discernment. Yeh, this sucks too, nothing is off limits 😮
Word for word
1) mild: Minimization/ demeaning comments extreme: always asking about my whereabouts
2) We do things they they want so that they feel in control. They program our minds with fear that if we don’t do things their way, they will be angry and we can’t afford to make them angry because of their rage.
3) They do everything for you in “favour” or buy “gifts”. They will bookkeep all these favours and demean you in exchange, sucking out your self-esteem.
4) they can ask you anything but if you ask them the same thing, they are offended.
My narc bf said ‘im the only one who cares about you ‘
I got: "nobody will ever love you like I do!"
@@maryyoung4046 why do they all sound the same!! Mine said..Who is going to love you when I''m gone? We were both practicing Christians..so I said Jesus? He blanked out.
I am the only one who can take care of you properly!
OMG my ex used to ask "are you OK?" to throw me through a loop. Also, "I worry about you" with a scrunched up super concerned fake expression. I thought something was off and will never get involved with a narc again!
That's a putdown, or devaluation, for sure. My mother would often say, "I pray for you every day." "I'm so worried about you." "You poor thing." "You look so tired." Then she would criticize my looks, clothes, job, parenting and house. I would primp and prime for two hours before visiting. Not once did she notice that I was relatively happy and successful. I would arrived well-rested and end up exhausted for three days after every visit.
@@justlookalittledeeper9953 Indeed! I'm so sick of recovering from people.
Yep! Same!
I am a 44 and finally living alone after super intense therapy work.
I was in my parents' basement for the last six years. At least once a day I came upstairs to the immediate greeting, "what's wrong?" from my mother. It made me question myself every day.
A devaluation.... Huh.
Being controlling obliges others. Being caring obliges me.
Controlling: I need your safety, so I don’t want you to date anybody but the people whom I approve.
Caring: I need your safety. That means, if you ever go out with somebody and find yourself in a dangerous situation, you can call me and I will come get you and help you.
Watching this in the middle of applying for jobs to get the hell out of dodge. After my car died a year and a half ago I am not allowed to use either of the cars (there are 2 of them) to work a job. Being absolutely controlled. Been looking for a virtual job to save money. No luck. Now searching for one that is close enough so that ubering will allow me to at least pay for food...it is horrific. Please people, get financially stable regardless of whether or not your abuser is a parent or significant other.
in the exact same situation to the point that I'm shocked you have a different name from me and I didn't make this comment! I'm at the point of gathering evidence to report them to the IRS for reward but even then can only think of 'teaching lessons' if I'm first out and in safety. For me the job doesn't have to be virtual, I'd rather it be in person so I'm forced to relocate and the company pays me accordingly for where they're located - in my line of work and many other skilled/white collar jobs similar to mine, many companies have used remote work since 2020 as an excuse to outsource as many as humanly possible, and those they don't outsource they keep remote so they can somehow justify paying less "because you don't have to live [here]" (which isn't true, if you try moving to somewhere cheaper, and don't have a legit VBN set up they don't clock, then they dock your pay). It's hell.
@@lolaloliepop Oh I hear you! Yes! if you can get a job where a company will move you away then definitely do so!!!! That's ideal! I don't have a career. Abuser made sure of it. I've only had retail jobs and entry level jobs in healthcare here and there which makes it unrealistic for any company to move me out. I wish! But I am praying for you so that you can find a job like that! I truly hope you will be hired, reimbursed for a move, and perhaps even be payed a stipend. One of my ex-boyfriends a long time ago was given a stipend for housing on top of being paid for a move and earning a good salary. He was a chemical engineer. So yes those situations are definitely possible. I hope you can find something like that!!!!! That would be amazing!
Wished I realised that before I married my Muslim husband. Needless to say that I brought thousands of kilometres between us to be safe from this insane controlling behaviour. Never again!
I am sure your quantum belief system wished you had managed your trajectory, too 😊.
🩷🙏🩷 So grateful that you escaped!
😭 One told me that I HAD to become Muslim... Leaving him almost destroyed me.
💞💞💞Peaceful Blessings!💞💞💞
@TouchdownJesusMB weird. Do you have the internet on your timeline?
my mum would say, “ I know you better than you know yourself” , coupled with me being chronically unwell. I now know it was mostly my CPTSD from the stress of living with her.
Wow, thank you! That 'care' becomes a comfort zone. They make you emotionally uncomfortable and then comfort you through 'care', making you more emotionally dependent on them. So you eventually just give into the control to experience some comfort and tenderness. I always felt my ex was happy when I was sick and being sick gave me a lot of relief from the stress he put on me. My boyfriend now tells me he knows I am strong and takes good care of myself. And he doesn't worry about me when I have something as mild as the flu... He is more of a cheerleader than a caregiver (of course not for serious things.. speaking of flu and headaches or cramps). Encourage me to overcome through natural remedies and rest not pumping me with pills. In the beginning, it triggered me because I felt he didn't care. Now I realize the respect and autonomy I am experiencing, he complements my inner strength.
This is my mother helping me take care of my kids when I had back issues. It came with a cost.
"I'm doing this for your own good". "I'll help you whether you like it or not". This is my parents. And now they are doing it to a number of their family members while complaining about how busy they are "helping" all these people when these people didn't even necessarily ask for it or even want it.
Martyr syndrome is a popular outlet & manipulative technique for gaining self-generated feed 😂 among them. They think they look so righteous. Nope. It's pathetic & transparent & ridiculous, & also frustrating.
Another caring as control tactic is the person constantly saying “I’m worried about your (sport / hobby / recreational activity).”When they worry because they have absolutely no experience about the activity. Even though you maybe an expert at the activity they say they are worried. Patronizing. Worrying is not the same as caring. When I asked the person to stop worrying, she became angry and cutoff communication
Your videos always feel so timely for me, Dr. Ramani! I’m at a point in life where your videos have helped me realize sooner than I would’ve thought that I AM ready to leave. This week has been especially hard with my husband “helping” me with tiny things around the house and his toxic control emerged and certainly did confuse me! So I appreciated your video more than I would have! Thank you for all that you do!
I always got "listen to my words", talking to me like I'm a 5 year old and he was my husband. He also tried to give me time outs, talk about control and degradation! That's when I would walk away, otherwise I'd scream!!!!
We received a long lecture from the stepMIL filled with care and concern about decisions ranging from our home, our coffee choice, my education, our dog, yada yada. After receiving this lecture, I realized it is a miracle that we made it to our 30's using our own brains..... This same inlaw is not talking to us any more because we responded to her long apology with boundaries. We also reminded her of her own words that we aren't children any more. It's been over 1.5 years since she has talked to us. She recently went online and claimed she was living her best life and unapologetically removing toxic people.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out 😂
It is extremely frustrating when they see you as toxic, especially when you really tried. So much of it is wrapped up in their image maintenance. I had to have faith that people who are actually mature would be willing to determine my capacity for themselves.
My ex still says "I'm the only person who ever truly cared about you" - and he always says it in a tone with an underlying (almost hidden) aggressiveness to it
Dr Ramani, what a breath of fresh air you are! Thank you for your work. ❤❤❤
My ex would insist on “helping me” by taking over of what I was doing and by making decisions for me, and saying it’s cuz he cares
He’d create problems where there weren’t any, and tell me that it’s cuz he cares and cuz I never ask for help. I told him I don’t ask for help if I don’t need it and I ask if I do, and I specifically don’t ask him cuz he forces himself onto and into my situation. Again, he said he does it cuz if he doesn’t, he knows I won’t ask for help…
He basically was doing this to try to get me to feel like I can’t do anything by and for myself, and also to make himself feel like the hero in every situation
I truly hated it
I truly appreciate your work. You have opened my eyes for the very first time! I have all the feelings that you have described in all your videos. I've been married for 17 years, and truly thought I was going crazy, but I'm married to a narcissist. Thank you for opening my mind! You gave me my voice and identity I lost a long time. Thank you so much!!!! You're so insightful and have done wonders for people. I can never show you enough gratitude for what you have done. You're absolutely amazing thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. You're definitely changing people's perspective on relationships. Thank you for being so kind and I admire your ambition to help people out.
You are just describing my mother!
It looks like you know her !!!
Everything is a nightmare when you just want to be yourself, choose a cake or a dress for your wedding or color for your daughter's party, and this is the top of the iceberg! Is so painful growing up with them. I have currently not been in contact with my mother and my abusive brother from about 4 years ago. And I can tell you that in the beginning it was very difficult but it was the best decision I ever take!!
Oh my, when you went into the things that they would say about finances I was snatched back to those early days with my ex where he would say that to me, among other horrible things. The whole time, HE was MESSING UP the money. I had to clean up his credit and his financial messes in order to close on our home, then he accused me of being petty about finances. I couldn't even spend money on my hobbies - but boy, DID HE.
Oh my goodness yes! Thank you so much for these clear
Nuanced treatment of subjects that are anything but cut and dry black or white. You're helping us all learn good solid discernment, which seems to be highly needed.
this one hits home so deeply especially the telling you you can't take care of yourself right and need to listen to every minute thing they tell you to do because they know better. that they can engage in something detrimental but write it off as they have more experience or more control of themselves than you so it's not a problem for them (like alcohol).
Everything he does for me comes with a sense of obligation for me to be loyal to him, help him and do more for him
Thank you for this powerful video. It reminds me of too many situations. It also echoes with the recent "I'll protect you whether you like it or not"
Yep. ( FDT) the ex narc bf too.
Whenever I voiced an opinion different from my senior colleague he would become angry and say things like "Maybe you should think about leaving" or "You are going to tear this department apart." One time I found it so threatening that when he left I felt compelled to write a letter (in which I copied the Dean) saying "If you ever do that again, I will call security." When he came in on Monday (before he saw the letter) he sought me out to not apologize but smooth things over. Once he saw the letter, he said something to the effect that he didn't realize how serious I took it. He had absolutely no self awareness of the inappropriateness of his behavior.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! ❤ My original family is dysfunctional, and I survived an abusive relationship. Now, I'm looking to understand what healthy relationships are about. When I am dealing with my parents, siblings, and friends, I am always worried not to be controlled. I value my freedom so much now, and I think I am quite sensitive to controlling behaviours
2:25 Exactly! Sometimes it's a mixture of both which makes it more difficult for people who don't know.
Take it from someone who was controlled their entire childhood, you will struggle with doing things for yourself. Learn how to manage finances on your own so you can start to manage your life on your own.
@@TheDerangedBlood I kind of went to the other extreme. I won’t ask for help when I should.
@@ginkgo2021 I admit, I learned that very same thing. The moment I do ask for help, it comes with attachments I don't want. Having narcissistic family members has made me a stronger person though. I value my alone time. I don't have to be around them just because they hold the title of family.
@@TheDerangedBlood this made me sigh in relief. Bittersweet to read relatability but man, to know others get it. The control piece is intense and the power they feel when you ask for anything… it’s like they’re seeing an all powerful ring or something. Puppet masters. It’s hard to accept the slander going on and at the same time there too, better alone than in bad company.
I never got the contempt or criticism with the control but was still manipulated to eat, wear, and do things I didn't really want to.
I complied because I felt guilty and ungrateful not to. I thought he was being so nurturing and generous at the time.
Now I realise he didn't actually listen to what I wanted or care about my values and I can't believe that my vegetarian self was eating curried sausages because I felt rude not to.
Mine told me that when we move into our new house that “things were going to be different”-by which he meant that we would 1.) not visit my family 2.) not get to know the neighbors 3.) not make friends or invite people over. I knew at that point that my life was about to close shut like a heavy door and I had to get out.
wow! good for you for getting out
A person who loves you desires to empower, enhance & encourage YOU. A controller is involved n a dark theater involving their own past relived in undecipherable way. It therefore involves deceit. One discovers ultimately that though zealously seif-willed, they are at the same time very weak and intererpersonally ineffectual-- not strong, which they hide under all the controlling. Part of the weakness is avoidance of honest self-disclosure. Underneath all their posturing & obsessive will to power in my experience is a tiny voice within them afraid to say:"Help me!! Help me!! Sorry if name icon comes up 2x. Some sort of computer glitch we don't know how to fix.
omg I cant even describe the games that went on financially. So glad its over with
Dr Ramani you described me (narc mom), and many of her friends (narc women with now unsuccessful children). They sit around talking about how great moms they are and how much their kids are losers. The truth is myself, and the other examples, are emotionally scarred picking up the slack of their parenting. We are the older parentified children, who only learned to be extensions of them. I am lucky life found a path out for me, but I am working on it. Right now she still has control over me, and possibly could have more. And that includes a path to control my daughter in the future too. I’m trying for a life that avoids that. Now is a critical time for me. But the young people out there now are so lucky to have this info online, that took me a decade to realize the pattern!
My current partner is *not a narcissist* . We've been together nearly 30 years and I became severely disabled roughly 10 years ago. Disability completely derailed the dynamic of our relationship. I know that a lot of unresolved trauma from childhood, as well as my first marriage, bubbles up and interferes with my interpretation of "caring". It's really difficult because disability puts us both in a position that neither of us signed up for. Neither of us lost our empathy, though. This video has been very useful flagging up the differences.
This is why I do not ask for help. Ever.
The passive "isolation" tactics......
Those traits are nauseating.
Please continue to educate.... makes a huge difference. ❤️ 1:28
And when you state your preference that doesn’t go along with or match his, you’re screamed at that YOU’RE controlling?! It’s a mindf*ck
But your life should be yours to control and enjoy.
@ well, yeah. That’s my point :-)
Thanks!
Toxic control. One lovely weekend day, wasband and I were sitting on the porch. He casually said he'd been thinking about ways to kill me, if I became seriously sick. OMG...
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks..
You wont regret it
Stupid bot
Thank you! I always wonder about the boundary between care and control!
I hate what these ppl had done. We need a community
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
@Ratgirl2 ❤ yes, I need this right now
This soooooooooo resonated with me. Thank you.
I learnt their intense anxiety gets externalized where they can't regulate within the environment they are stressed by. So they try change the environment to regulate. It's almost like an infant mentality. Primal sense to get someone or something else to regulate them.
...could be a parent, sibling, children, friends, relatives, Boss, colleagues, etc...that feeling of being shelfed into a dark corner😔although very insightful indeed, many thanks Dr. Ramani as always, hope you are well🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
And the narc who thinks your care is control. Hypocrisy!
My mother. My childhood. The ex husband. No contact with them both. I recover daily. They are control freaks. Emphasis on freaks
thank you dr. ramani, hearing this from an actual professional has been so validating to me. my mother is like this and she's always been enabled by people around her, and anytime i try to open up or reach out to people for help, i've been dismissed and my problems belittled. i really appreciate you doc
I take care of myself; Dad(narcissist) doesn't need to control me! I don't live with him and am 60(me). He has no business oppressing me! I stopped contacting him after a miserable phone call to him in August. I feel free, now!
Please we need a whooole series of explanation on this subject ❤️
My experience has been with a covert narcissist making me responsible for their health. In order to control the situation they have put the responsibility of their health and well being on me by refusing to make good choices for themselves. It has been a living hell and one I wish on no one. No one can guilt you better than a vulnerable, covert narcissist. They truly live in a world of delusion and don't care who they take down as long as they maintain their false sense of control even at the cost of their own demise.
Exactly
This video's title is revelation enough. This has been my life.
Informative video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@carlossoler-m4yif you love them let them go. Life is giving opportunity to find your path forward any spiritual whatevers just going to empty your pocket and it may hurt you more
Im so messed up from a lifetime of this sick garbage. I can barely function anymore 😢
Also being followed everywhere is control.
Elderly with no food is abuse
"Feel incompetent in adulthood".. Yes, my mother still 'helps' with everything. She barges in and tries to take over. Now it's hard to adult, because wanting to "help"...she's like that with everyone. Her mother does the same.
Hello dr. Ramani and all viewers. Just here to say thank you and to share a thought. I find the tv series Columbo extremely interesting for anyone interested in the "narcissism" field. I'm now re-watching "Murder: a self portrait" and I recommend it and the series to everybody. Greetings everyone and congratulations on your pursuit to freedom.
Dr Ramani I’m Indian and I just need to say how happy and seen I feel knowing people like you and Dr k who come from my community care so much about mental health
That's what feels so awful about the relationship.
Wow, you just described my childhood and marriage!
'Not Allowed, No, Can't, Shouldn't, Don't' etc
Controlled who, what, when, where, why, how I was allowed to exist.
All about Power and Control....
Some acts are terrifying or their rage if I didn't comply became terrorizing.
Up, a grown ass adult here who hasn't a clue how to adult myself. 😢
Ugh. This really sucks. My mother definitely took over everything. She made me a scrapbook of pictures from my childhood. She “borrowed” it for showing a friend. I haven’t seen it since. She still has it. And there’s a ton of things I didn’t know and wasn’t taught until I learned it later.
You just described my Mother.
I hope many people hear this!!
Thank you Dr R
It has been imp to hear and realise that people dont change their characteristics ....really saved from someone very close because of your guidance
Also Happy Diwali 2024!!!
Yep, the comments and unwanted advice and feedback. Thanks Ramani. You’re the best always ❤
Yes! I’ve silently referred to it as micromanaging. When I was last sick with a virus, I’m feeling lousy and in bed. She wanted me to take some OTC pain reliever. I declined, and she stomped out of the room in a huff saying I’m just trying to take care of you!! I’m a nurse, and I know what I want to take or not. I was sick but felt like I had to take care of her feelings.
For longest time, I never realised that I was being controlled, all long under the guise of concern or care, to be labelled ungrateful or cold.
Ever since i was a child, my parents had ultimate say on everything i did, to the point of how i acted or what i said among relatives that i could look at their eyes every time i said something to see how they react and would constantly be in an anxious state. Other relatives applauded this parenting, that i was so “obedient” . Every time we were in a family gathering, or at someone’s house, I’d worry if I’ll get scolded when we get home. I’ll worry if i said anything wrong. I’ll worry if im going to get scolded in the car ride back home. And as i grew up, i subconsciously resented family gatherings and extended family. I hated them coming over. Things also got more intense .
With every move i made constantly watched like a hawk,without even realising i became paralysed.
Then one day when i was 19,my dad suddenly told me to do my own school chores because now i should be “independent” and would shame me for being why and him doing everything for me if i didn’t. It was nerve wrecking but I’d rather do it than get humiliated by him. It’s so strange. I felt like a mouse. Suddenly told to fill my own bag of grains when every breath i took was watched and monitored.
The person I'm no contact with won't believe a single thing I say unless someone else says it too. I have to get a psychologist to agree, and then they back off for a little bit. But after a while, they are back at their old tricks, maybe sneakier, but I'm never allowed to have my own opinion.
I can't possibly be right, she knows better, no matter how many times I was right.
Her response? "What if I'm right" uhh, that's literally never happened.
But she needs me to be incompetent so that she can force her shit help on me..