Same here. I was refused to take a job. After ten years of bondage I decided to leave and thank we didn’t have any kids to keep us connected. I left four months ago 🎉. I pray you leave soon because that’s you truly begin to live and heal 😢
There is a very fine line between someone who seems to be caring and taking care of you and someone else who seems to feel the need to insert themselves in your life to "take care of you" out of the need to insert themselves. Being overly caring and being a busibody can become quite toxic.
@rakheepatel9212 be aware 🙂 Awareness may not change your circumstances, but it surely changes your perspective and with that you'll feel a kind of freedom and a sense of boundaries 🤗 Then, either your circumstances will change or you won't care about them at all. Internally things will feel different than now.
Dr. Ramani, I just had a huge realization. He would control everything in the home ( finances, what was said and done, etc.) but he never did anything himself. He would scream that he did all the heavy lifting but I was tasked with taking care of everything with the kids and the household, both inside and out. So, if someone is telling you to do this, that and the other but doesn't lift a finger themselves, that's a huge red flag!!🚩
Im guilty of giving unsolicited advice. As a child of a narcissistic family i was turned into their mother, if i wasn't on their heals inquiring, caring, cleaning, offering aid upon guesses a their passive agressive behaviour i was a "careless and unloving daughter", they took their feelings out on me and if i wasn't constantly problem solving and offering help i was punished by the removal of the foods i was able to eat, so now if someone confides in me (like my parents would trauma dump or use me as thwir counsellors or source of triangulation) i immediately offer information that pertains to whats wrong and this includes advice, im getting better at asking first if they'd like advice or to just vent but sometimes that comes with verbal attack for they claim i should know
I couldn’t even start a home project without him stepping in and taking over…even when he was exhausted from taking over every other household or work project. Then it was, “I do everything around here, why can’t others (meaning me) do more??”
I realised that all his "care" and "concern" would be held over my head later. Every argument started with all he does for me! Been out of the relationship six weeks and the pain is hell bc of traumatic bonds. I broke up because of several factors- but a massive one was this caregiving piece/because I am getting ready to have abdominal surgery and I don't want the anxiety of him making me feel guilty for being sick! No I don't want you to take care of me! No I don't want the guilt along with physical pain! 😢
Thanks for sharing. Been there too. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you? That really helped me. Wishing you much strength and fast healing ❤️🩹 ❤ Hugs 🫂
Mine told me he had a panic attack when I was rushed to the hospital, exaggerating. It was guilt inducing and I think he wanted an apology for me needing medical help. Also yelled at me while I was fainting saying I need to get blood tests, etc. I hope you recover wonderfully from both the narc and your surgery. Good for you for leaving, I did too and am so much better off. Watching videos like this are so great.
I wish you well, we’re actually better on our own then with them, even when sick, I’ve been there too. Trust in God, except everything for what it is, and I don’t mean stay or go back I mean that’s what they are, what you’ve seen is who they are, and always will be.
Such brilliant advice. I went through this, and yes it's very confusing. I think covert narcissists are the ones who do this the most. Giving something always comes with a display of annoyance and superiority. Thank you, Dr Ramani for having the BEST channel on this topic. So, so helpful.
I always marvel that parents I see today give their kids a say in what their bedroom looks like or clothes they wear. My narc mother had to control all of that when I was growing up. I caved because watching my sister push back caused war-zone trauma in the house. I'm just frustrated it took me this long to understand what was happening for the whole of my life with that woman. And now that I'm pulling away and asserting my boundaries and sticking to them, holy cats there's hell to pay. Thank heavens I don't have to cave anymore to keep the peace. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤
Same. So sorry. That’s spot on with the experience with my mother with things. Everything had conditions. Even as a kid, bc they’re paying for it, she picks it. I wanted a rustic bedroom nothing victorian looking, I was an 80s kid… and for my desk to be in front of the window. Those were my two requests bc kindly enough I thought, she asked. So she chose a beige victorian style, and a desk with a built in bookcase in it. I did not express disappointment aside from asking if the bookcase could be detached and moved on something else bc I saw screws in the back - I was 9 lol, and she said no and that I should be grateful that they can afford to get me a bedroom set bc other children had so much less. At that point I started learning when to pretend and I can’t stand faking it to this day. Yay. In the end, thank you for not letting this mold you into an extension of them and doing your part for you and those around you, to pave a loving way.
@@user-wi9hv2pb2q that’s awful. I’m sorry. We know better and won’t repeat in whatever ways we can. Thank you to all the warmth and kindness I surely know you share with others. Love never fails! 💜
@@kurttoy5035Same. Everything I’ve ever been “given” since childhood was done in exchange for absolute obedience and breaking down all my boundaries and decisions, no matter how good they were for me. Now, I don’t care to play her games, so she bad mouths me to anyone who will listen just to make me look bad. I prefer being seen as “difficult” by whoever believes her BS now.
I'm from The Deep South, and while listening, I couldn't help recalling plantation owners saying, "WE take care of our slaves. They are WAY better off than they'd be on their own."
And often, much the same sentiment thrives in modern day business. But, at least in my life, I get waaay more accomplished on my own, than I do at work. I am there, because there’s an attendance policy. I am pretty sure, however, that the powers that be, see themselves as nothing but a gift.
Brilliant comment. Narcissism is not just about individuals. Societies and possibly civilisations are based on narcissistic patterns... High time to break the patterns and build healthy relationships, both on the personal and global level. Cheers and thank you.
I had to move back in with my family due to financial issues from a car accident that left me unable to work for a while. I was also helping my family by paying them rent and taking care of my nephews. But my mom would say that I ‘couldn’t handle my finances’ and my dad would say ‘no one asked you to help’ and so they painted me as this messed up incapable person whenever I expressed concerns. The dynamic was awful, after horrible fights with them, where my mom said horribly emotionally abusive things about me, she would buy me gifts and expect me to then be ok. It was super messed up. Grateful for therapy and this program to help me get back on my feet and remember who I am. Everything thinks my mom’s a saint cause she gives so much to people, but it’s very much used to control them and make herself look good. I don’t care what others think now. So many blind enablers all around. I know the truth and am taking myself back. Disengaging keeping boundaries and focusing on me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I’m sorry that you had to experience this type of pain, keep on looking after yourself,so that you can share your positive self with others and you can experience a healthy relationship that is about you,me and us ! You should only care about what others think about you or your behaviour if they are truly concerned about you,me and us . Otherwise it is toxic.
Oh, wow, is this timely. I am a stroke survivor, and am part of a Facebook group for survivors. A couple of days ago someone posted that their spouse insisted on controlling all aspects of their life, and that they thank them for doing it, because the stroke had made them helpless and incompetent. The survivors was clearly frightened and confused. Every alarm in my head went off and I commented that they should watch some of the videos here. I hope they see this one. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
We received a long lecture from the stepMIL filled with care and concern about decisions ranging from our home, our coffee choice, my education, our dog, yada yada. After receiving this lecture, I realized it is a miracle that we made it to our 30's using our own brains..... This same inlaw is not talking to us any more because we responded to her long apology with boundaries. We also reminded her of her own words that we aren't children any more. It's been over 1.5 years since she has talked to us. She recently went online and claimed she was living her best life and unapologetically removing toxic people.
Well said! This is how the narcissist manipulate others into thinking that they care about the person, when really behind the scenes they are trying to be that persons puppet master. In this way, the narcissist is looking for a double opportunity in order to receive supply. 1st the audiences attention about the matter and then the person that they say they are trying to help. When they crave attention and the spotlight, this is one of the ways they move or behave.
This is a wonderful video I feel seen. My two narcissitic parents always enjoyed when I was sick and could control me and then complain out loud when I had recoverd, it was twisted. They also isolated me from everybody so now I'm a 45 year old hermit and I'm struggling financially so my narc mother is very happy that she gets to control and humiliate me by giving me money, It's a horrible situation and I can't find a job to support myself, I'm trapped and I hate her
Your videos always feel so timely for me, Dr. Ramani! I’m at a point in life where your videos have helped me realize sooner than I would’ve thought that I AM ready to leave. This week has been especially hard with my husband “helping” me with tiny things around the house and his toxic control emerged and certainly did confuse me! So I appreciated your video more than I would have! Thank you for all that you do!
That’s my mum. When you grow up with a parent like this, you will give up your autonomy and don’t know what you want in life. I tended to hang out with friends who booked the venue they liked, ordered the food they wanted and did the things they liked. Until one friend said I was being too nice and asked me if there something I really wanted, I began to question my submissive nature. I think this is due to my controlling mum’s behaviour towards me for so long.
I didn't even know what music I liked when I started trying to figure out who I was, my whole family got their validation from making me like their thing.
Wished I realised that before I married my Muslim husband. Needless to say that I brought thousands of kilometres between us to be safe from this insane controlling behaviour. Never again!
Oh my goodness yes! Thank you so much for these clear Nuanced treatment of subjects that are anything but cut and dry black or white. You're helping us all learn good solid discernment, which seems to be highly needed.
Trust your instincts. If your guts tells you "Why am I feeling like I'm a child?", you are being controlled. My MIL does this. Ever since I married her son, I always felt like her son and I are playing 'house' and she, the mother, has to overlook everything we do and decide. I thought I was crazy, until the day she yelled at me and said "Your friends need to be approved by me because I care!" Sure you do.... 😂
Oh my gosh talk about it..I moved in with my bf and his brother. Who unbeknownst to me is a narcissist just like their mom. He has raged out several times. Due to us asking him to do chores in the house he lives in too. She has come over twice to "help" him clean up. She's rearranged kitchen items and made snide remarks. She controls his brother and tries to control my bf ( doesn't work) with money. His brother got a visa gift card to buy a game station. So their mom wouldn't see the transaction on his card and criticize him for spending money. (His money that he worked for may I add) when the card started giving him trouble he raged. All of us are adults by the way.
OMG my ex used to ask "are you OK?" to throw me through a loop. Also, "I worry about you" with a scrunched up super concerned fake expression. I thought something was off and will never get involved with a narc again!
That's a putdown, or devaluation, for sure. My mother would often say, "I pray for you every day." "I'm so worried about you." "You poor thing." "You look so tired." Then she would criticize my looks, clothes, job, parenting and house. I would primp and prime for two hours before visiting. Not once did she notice that I was relatively happy and successful. I would arrived well-rested and end up exhausted for three days after every visit.
"I'm doing this for your own good". "I'll help you whether you like it or not". This is my parents. And now they are doing it to a number of their family members while complaining about how busy they are "helping" all these people when these people didn't even necessarily ask for it or even want it.
I truly appreciate your work. You have opened my eyes for the very first time! I have all the feelings that you have described in all your videos. I've been married for 17 years, and truly thought I was going crazy, but I'm married to a narcissist. Thank you for opening my mind! You gave me my voice and identity I lost a long time. Thank you so much!!!! You're so insightful and have done wonders for people. I can never show you enough gratitude for what you have done. You're absolutely amazing thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. You're definitely changing people's perspective on relationships. Thank you for being so kind and I admire your ambition to help people out.
Thank you. I've been there. Staying independent is the best antidote to keep controllers at bay. Control is not love. Unfortunately the world is filled with controlling people. I don't allow them to do that to me. I learned to take back my power. I continue to do it until they get the point. A lot of controlling people need pet projects. To make themselves feel better. It's really about them. Because they feel so out of control, controlling someone else is how they maintain their emotions. It's all about them, not the person who they're trying to control. I don't allow anyone's need for control to interfere in my life. My marriage was a lesson in how control can destroy you. The amount of people my ex has damaged is a lot. He even financially exploited his own family. He's like the terminator. If there's something he wants, he won't stop until he gets it. He can come across as friendly, but he's one second away from exploding. He has endless energy and never stops manipulating and planning until he gets what he wants. I'm lucky to be alive today.
Ugh. This really sucks. My mother definitely took over everything. She made me a scrapbook of pictures from my childhood. She “borrowed” it for showing a friend. I haven’t seen it since. She still has it. And there’s a ton of things I didn’t know and wasn’t taught until I learned it later.
Oh my, when you went into the things that they would say about finances I was snatched back to those early days with my ex where he would say that to me, among other horrible things. The whole time, HE was MESSING UP the money. I had to clean up his credit and his financial messes in order to close on our home, then he accused me of being petty about finances. I couldn't even spend money on my hobbies - but boy, DID HE.
Hello dr. Ramani and all viewers. Just here to say thank you and to share a thought. I find the tv series Columbo extremely interesting for anyone interested in the "narcissism" field. I'm now re-watching "Murder: a self portrait" and I recommend it and the series to everybody. Greetings everyone and congratulations on your pursuit to freedom.
Another caring as control tactic is the person constantly saying “I’m worried about your (sport / hobby / recreational activity).”When they worry because they have absolutely no experience about the activity. Even though you maybe an expert at the activity they say they are worried. Patronizing. Worrying is not the same as caring. When I asked the person to stop worrying, she became angry and cutoff communication
OMG. I just described my father. It was a total lack of freedom in every field of my life. What a painful childhood. I finally found the strenghth to go away. Thank you to bring so much clarity and awareness ♥
The food one... My dad and I were talking about what we should have for dinner one night when it was just the two of us and I suggested scalloped potatoes as a side. He said he didn't like them. I've seen him eat scalloped potatoes many times and asked him about it and apparently it is "required" by my stepmother. I was stunned. Unfortunately, that is only one small example of the kinds of things going on.
Yes! I’ve silently referred to it as micromanaging. When I was last sick with a virus, I’m feeling lousy and in bed. She wanted me to take some OTC pain reliever. I declined, and she stomped out of the room in a huff saying I’m just trying to take care of you!! I’m a nurse, and I know what I want to take or not. I was sick but felt like I had to take care of her feelings.
I never got the contempt or criticism with the control but was still manipulated to eat, wear, and do things I didn't really want to. I complied because I felt guilty and ungrateful not to. I thought he was being so nurturing and generous at the time. Now I realise he didn't actually listen to what I wanted or care about my values and I can't believe that my vegetarian self was eating curried sausages because I felt rude not to.
Is this why I feel SO EXTREMELY uncomfortable when genuinely nice people do something for me? My mom issa narc and has been controlling me my entire goddamn life in disguise of "oh I care so much about you" with a side of humiliation
My ex would insist on “helping me” by taking over of what I was doing and by making decisions for me, and saying it’s cuz he cares He’d create problems where there weren’t any, and tell me that it’s cuz he cares and cuz I never ask for help. I told him I don’t ask for help if I don’t need it and I ask if I do, and I specifically don’t ask him cuz he forces himself onto and into my situation. Again, he said he does it cuz if he doesn’t, he knows I won’t ask for help… He basically was doing this to try to get me to feel like I can’t do anything by and for myself, and also to make himself feel like the hero in every situation I truly hated it
My current partner is *not a narcissist* . We've been together nearly 30 years and I became severely disabled roughly 10 years ago. Disability completely derailed the dynamic of our relationship. I know that a lot of unresolved trauma from childhood, as well as my first marriage, bubbles up and interferes with my interpretation of "caring". It's really difficult because disability puts us both in a position that neither of us signed up for. Neither of us lost our empathy, though. This video has been very useful flagging up the differences.
It has been imp to hear and realise that people dont change their characteristics ....really saved from someone very close because of your guidance Also Happy Diwali 2024!!!
Toxic control. One lovely weekend day, wasband and I were sitting on the porch. He casually said he'd been thinking about ways to kill me, if I became seriously sick. OMG...
Take it from someone who was controlled their entire childhood, you will struggle with doing things for yourself. Learn how to manage finances on your own so you can start to manage your life on your own.
@@ginkgo2021 I admit, I learned that very same thing. The moment I do ask for help, it comes with attachments I don't want. Having narcissistic family members has made me a stronger person though. I value my alone time. I don't have to be around them just because they hold the title of family.
@@TheDerangedBlood this made me sigh in relief. Bittersweet to read relatability but man, to know others get it. The control piece is intense and the power they feel when you ask for anything… it’s like they’re seeing an all powerful ring or something. Puppet masters. It’s hard to accept the slander going on and at the same time there too, better alone than in bad company.
My dad can wear whatever he wants out in public and he can look however he wants and I don’t question it. And conversations with someone toxic and malignant that I don’t promote nor practice into my other normal every day life,is for specifically my survival, I’m not going along with the helping him with his public persona and how he looks in public, he wants to look like his age .poor , elderly, ineffectual, confused, mild quirky, and benign. It’s not a caregiving role that I’m doing. I am just here for somebody’s pleasure. And when I’ve come to find out is, I have complained to him before and he’s used to that so if it’s common and he’s used to it, then you go along with that in order to gain more clarity so putting myself in this position of answering your video caregiving is very important. Caregiving is a beautiful thing to offer and to spend your life doing if it’s for the right reasons. Caregiving is a mutually beneficial experience. my environment has to do with something else and so I know what happens behind closed doors and I know what happens for appearances sake in the outside world. know he’s been planning my entrapment for a while. setting me up for a while and now I know that I can get away from it because I stay here and I listen to you and thank you so much for always covering so many different subjects!!! Go Dr Ramani!!! Let me always work to better myself
I always got "listen to my words", talking to me like I'm a 5 year old and he was my husband. He also tried to give me time outs, talk about control and degradation! That's when I would walk away, otherwise I'd scream!!!!
A peter I've noticed is them inserting themselves in everything and saying how stuff should be done, when it should be done or not done. Yet if I ask for advise it's "I don't know", or some kind of insult over what I want to do.
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
It was so strange. My parents wanted me out of the house, always trying to get me to date. So when I did, and things were going well and their control started to slip, they desperately tried to rein me back in. Didn't work. Unfortunately my partner's mother is also a narc, and she tried to push me away. I didn't care. My partner and I love each other, that's what matters and they've helped me realize how bad of a situation I was in and I've showed them their mother was exhibiting the same behaviors. (I'm using gender neutral terms for privacy reasons).
Best form of expressing how you truely feel, to anyone who doesnt know you or took the time to know you it seems ljke a madness and crazy confusion to me all i hear and see is more excuses on why u couldnt "love me" why u chose to not csre for the one who u began the relationship with what a move but ur loss u shouldn't of messed with my sanity when it's clearly the only thing j can rely on anymore
My experience has been with a covert narcissist making me responsible for their health. In order to control the situation they have put the responsibility of their health and well being on me by refusing to make good choices for themselves. It has been a living hell and one I wish on no one. No one can guilt you better than a vulnerable, covert narcissist. They truly live in a world of delusion and don't care who they take down as long as they maintain their false sense of control even at the cost of their own demise.
My Nex was super controlling but never contemptuous. He loved doing things, and I allowed him to. But when he finally left, his parting shot was that I was not grateful.
Whenever I voiced an opinion different from my senior colleague he would become angry and say things like "Maybe you should think about leaving" or "You are going to tear this department apart." One time I found it so threatening that when he left I felt compelled to write a letter (in which I copied the Dean) saying "If you ever do that again, I will call security." When he came in on Monday (before he saw the letter) he sought me out to not apologize but smooth things over. Once he saw the letter, he said something to the effect that he didn't realize how serious I took it. He had absolutely no self awareness of the inappropriateness of his behavior.
Someone told me once I was controlling them for refusing to discuss certain topics with them. They had expressed to me that they felt I controlled them or influenced who they dated or how they spent their money. They were constantly finding themselves in toxic relationships and in the process of claiming bankruptcy due to poor financial management. I was tired of watching this cycle continue and gave my advice. When told I was always “influencing them,” I suggested we not discuss those topics anymore. I didn’t want them to feel controlled, I had only wanted to be real with them about their actions having consequences that were now negatively impacting them. When I told them I refused to speak about these topics but would gladly speak about anything else they ghosted me and told me I was being controlling. Still don’t know if I did the right thing or not.
Every communication w/my Malignant mother is a 1- sided interrogation/lecture/yell fest as she points her finger @ me the entire lecture. All I can say is "can you please holster your finger?" And if we're dining out...she'll substitute her finger w/her fork. I feel like I'm checking in w/my lifelong perole officer. It absolutely sucks.
I we been în a weird relation with someone that discard me life a toy, telling me things that keeps running into my mind. I have the impulse to hurtmyself to stop thinking about that person.
Be careful of fishing in comment sections. Yesterday what looked like a reply from Dr.Ramani was left on one of my comments and it included a phone number. But I don't believe it was really from Dr.Ramani. i think it was a scam. Don't give any info to these jerks.
Mine told me that when we move into our new house that “things were going to be different”-by which he meant that we would 1.) not visit my family 2.) not get to know the neighbors 3.) not make friends or invite people over. I knew at that point that my life was about to close shut like a heavy door and I had to get out.
My father pushed my psychiatrists in early childhood to diagnose me with mental disorders so he could isolate me throughout my life, especially in school. He seemed to get more and more intense about it as I got older. My family would always attack me every time I disagreed with him like he was god. Everyone on the outside says to me "you have such a perfect loving family he's just looking out for you," even to this day. I'm on SSDI right now and he's living his boomer dream where he has his sense of purpose "taking care of me." I've been set up to stay poorer than he is, and on top of that he's financially abusive.
I wasn't even allowed to pick my clothes or have control of my paycheck had to all go to him and he would take care of it. Wasn't allowed to choose what I drank was forced to drink zero soda and had to have a fallout over not wanting to wear dental floss in winter or just anything I was forced to hand my money over beg for what I needed and have his approval whether I deserved to have it or have what I wanted as in bra's that fit and how ungrateful I was for getting sex toys that I didn't want and I have always been poor and trash and am nothing without him. How my birthday and mothers day didn't matter cuz I wasn't his mother and he didn't care about his birthday but he was spending it out of town with his side pieces lol I would rather live in a tent and wash my azz in the creek than tolerate a soulless meat sac like that again.
My confusion about control vs. care is that the N just is boundaryless, tells me how to do things that are personal. It is infantalizing and enraging. These are often things one would tell a child. This causes me to lash out in extreme anger. They did this to someone once and they were so angry they had an accident and died in the moment. True story
Watching this in the middle of applying for jobs to get the hell out of dodge. After my car died a year and a half ago I am not allowed to use either of the cars (there are 2 of them) to work a job. Being absolutely controlled. Been looking for a virtual job to save money. No luck. Now searching for one that is close enough so that ubering will allow me to at least pay for food...it is horrific. Please people, get financially stable regardless of whether or not your abuser is a parent or significant other.
I just went through this kind of thing few days ago. Long story long :D. When i was still home with our small kids, I was struggling with money. I was working at that time for his bussines, which he calls "family bussines" but offcourse, I was working for free, that's why I was struggling. What surprise huh? When water heater in kitchen broke, I had to wash all dishes in freezing cold water or carrying it to opposite part of apartment to wash it in bathtub in warm water. I just didn't have money to repair, and offcourse permision to do anything about it. When I complaint, he washed oily dishes in cold water to prove me wrong. Guess what. I had to wash them again in bathroom after, cause they where oily af. Remember, I had to wait two months. Now things changed. Kids are older, so now I can work, so I'm working 3-4 jobs, to repaire damage he made with his "family bussines" that ate thousads of my time for literaly nothing. So he now have to be more involved. So, our washmachine broke. I have contact for amazing handyman who repaired that washmachine years ago. I just did let him know, that washmachine is broken, but I allready called handyman and taking care of it. He didn't like it offcourse. When I was at work, he opend that machine and tried to repaire it. I came home, got feedback that motor is burned, he find where to buy new one and he can change it. I remaned him, that handyman is comming tomorow and we will see. He was playing dumbass and told me he didn't know. He litteraly wasn't able to process 5 word message or just lied. Anyway, commanded me to call him when handyman comes, cause he need to talk to him for sure. Cuase I'm dumb shit who can't get my own fucking washing machine repaired without his controle. I didn't called him this time. Handyman came, did his work in 20 mins. and asked for 5× less money than buing new motor, because it wasn't that case-not surprise for me. I paid and was glad. I felt pretty nervous to call him happy news, why? After two months of washing dishes in ice cold water or in bathtub in bathroom a got money from him to repair, with the same command. Seeing handyman on that call at first confused and after minutes vissibly anoyed was really discomfortable for me. But in this time he was not screaming at me, but just complaints, so happy me. It can sound like paranoia, but I believe this plot is about me not under his financial control anymore and older kids, so he can show of. He didn't forget to tell kids "mommy broke washmachine" and forgot about "kids hear, kids tell". For context, that washingmachine is 25 years old! He knows it. What surprise it needs some little service time to time. Anyway, from outside view it seems like amazing hubby-daddy who is caring and doing his best. In whole context just insecure controle freak. In healthy relationship a would assume maybe "Oh that's bad, you would handle it? Good! Call if you need some help". In years, he did much, much, MUCH worse things to me, so this is just fresh funny story and remander for me, who he really is. If anyone readed this whole, I thank you very much. My little selftherapy for a day. 🙏
This was a good video. Unfortunately, it's not something a survivor can listen to, and they get it, and then every decision or move will just fall into place in line. Like you said, it's a paradox of these relationships. It can sometimes take a long time.
Ultimate goal controls someone's life. Being financially controlled is the darkest thing Narcissist do. I've been there.
Me too, Although I'm still stuck because they made me dependent but I'm planning my escape. Most probably by starting next year
When enabled they honestly feel they are entitled to take money of others to ensure they can control it
Same here
Same here. I was refused to take a job. After ten years of bondage I decided to leave and thank we didn’t have any kids to keep us connected. I left four months ago 🎉. I pray you leave soon because that’s you truly begin to live and heal 😢
@@FavourIkhina Thankyou 🙏🏼
There is a very fine line between someone who seems to be caring and taking care of you and someone else who seems to feel the need to insert themselves in your life to "take care of you" out of the need to insert themselves. Being overly caring and being a busibody can become quite toxic.
Yes! Thank you. They enjoy controling people through illnesses, because it makes them look useful and competent in front of the community.
And being disabled wtf can you do?!
@rakheepatel9212 be aware 🙂
Awareness may not change your circumstances, but it surely changes your perspective and with that you'll feel a kind of freedom and a sense of boundaries 🤗
Then, either your circumstances will change or you won't care about them at all. Internally things will feel different than now.
Spot on dr Ramani. Unsolicited advice equals criticism and whoever wants to control you doesn’t trust you and is your enemy not a friend.
When they start with the “you should haves” I have learned, do not nurture that acquaintance for anything more.
Dr. Ramani, I just had a huge realization. He would control everything in the home ( finances, what was said and done, etc.) but he never did anything himself. He would scream that he did all the heavy lifting but I was tasked with taking care of everything with the kids and the household, both inside and out. So, if someone is telling you to do this, that and the other but doesn't lift a finger themselves, that's a huge red flag!!🚩
Im guilty of giving unsolicited advice. As a child of a narcissistic family i was turned into their mother, if i wasn't on their heals inquiring, caring, cleaning, offering aid upon guesses a their passive agressive behaviour i was a "careless and unloving daughter", they took their feelings out on me and if i wasn't constantly problem solving and offering help i was punished by the removal of the foods i was able to eat, so now if someone confides in me (like my parents would trauma dump or use me as thwir counsellors or source of triangulation) i immediately offer information that pertains to whats wrong and this includes advice, im getting better at asking first if they'd like advice or to just vent but sometimes that comes with verbal attack for they claim i should know
I couldn’t even start a home project without him stepping in and taking over…even when he was exhausted from taking over every other household or work project. Then it was, “I do everything around here, why can’t others (meaning me) do more??”
Wowww😮
Yes!! They think their the only ones who can do anything "the right way." It is crippling!
I realised that all his "care" and "concern" would be held over my head later. Every argument started with all he does for me! Been out of the relationship six weeks and the pain is hell bc of traumatic bonds. I broke up because of several factors- but a massive one was this caregiving piece/because I am getting ready to have abdominal surgery and I don't want the anxiety of him making me feel guilty for being sick! No I don't want you to take care of me! No I don't want the guilt along with physical pain! 😢
Thanks for sharing. Been there too. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you? That really helped me. Wishing you much strength and fast healing ❤️🩹 ❤ Hugs 🫂
Praying that your surgery goes well and with no complications. God bless you. Amen!
Mine told me he had a panic attack when I was rushed to the hospital, exaggerating. It was guilt inducing and I think he wanted an apology for me needing medical help. Also yelled at me while I was fainting saying I need to get blood tests, etc.
I hope you recover wonderfully from both the narc and your surgery. Good for you for leaving, I did too and am so much better off. Watching videos like this are so great.
I wish you well, we’re actually better on our own then with them, even when sick, I’ve been there too. Trust in God, except everything for what it is, and I don’t mean stay or go back I mean that’s what they are, what you’ve seen is who they are, and always will be.
Such brilliant advice. I went through this, and yes it's very confusing. I think covert narcissists are the ones who do this the most. Giving something always comes with a display of annoyance and superiority. Thank you, Dr Ramani for having the BEST channel on this topic. So, so helpful.
Omg 😳 you’re literally talking about my narcissistic parents. It’s like you’re talking to my soul and I have chills about it right now.
Same😢 my my mom
I'll soon move in with my sister
She's a scapegoat
I always marvel that parents I see today give their kids a say in what their bedroom looks like or clothes they wear. My narc mother had to control all of that when I was growing up. I caved because watching my sister push back caused war-zone trauma in the house. I'm just frustrated it took me this long to understand what was happening for the whole of my life with that woman. And now that I'm pulling away and asserting my boundaries and sticking to them, holy cats there's hell to pay. Thank heavens I don't have to cave anymore to keep the peace. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤
Same
Same. So sorry. That’s spot on with the experience with my mother with things. Everything had conditions. Even as a kid, bc they’re paying for it, she picks it. I wanted a rustic bedroom nothing victorian looking, I was an 80s kid… and for my desk to be in front of the window. Those were my two requests bc kindly enough I thought, she asked. So she chose a beige victorian style, and a desk with a built in bookcase in it. I did not express disappointment aside from asking if the bookcase could be detached and moved on something else bc I saw screws in the back - I was 9 lol, and she said no and that I should be grateful that they can afford to get me a bedroom set bc other children had so much less. At that point I started learning when to pretend and I can’t stand faking it to this day. Yay.
In the end, thank you for not letting this mold you into an extension of them and doing your part for you and those around you, to pave a loving way.
same. all clothes good will and 5x too big and usually the wrong gender. no say in 'my room' it was literally a closet with a broken door
@@user-wi9hv2pb2q that’s awful. I’m sorry. We know better and won’t repeat in whatever ways we can. Thank you to all the warmth and kindness I surely know you share with others. Love never fails! 💜
the way you described you and your sister and the war zone. same here
This is my mother. I'm 28 and she still tries to control me, and it seems like she's "caring" to others.
I was controlled by my late mom until she died when I was 38.
I was controlled by my late mom until she died when I was 38 years of age.
@@kurttoy5035Same. Everything I’ve ever been “given” since childhood was done in exchange for absolute obedience and breaking down all my boundaries and decisions, no matter how good they were for me.
Now, I don’t care to play her games, so she bad mouths me to anyone who will listen just to make me look bad. I prefer being seen as “difficult” by whoever believes her BS now.
This is soo my Aunt, I cut her off but she didn’t care because she thought I would go back to her. I didn’t now she knows I meant it when I left.
Literally same
I'm from The Deep South, and while listening, I couldn't help recalling plantation owners saying, "WE take care of our slaves. They are WAY better off than they'd be on their own."
And often, much the same sentiment thrives in modern day business. But, at least in my life, I get waaay more accomplished on my own, than I do at work. I am there, because there’s an attendance policy. I am pretty sure, however, that the powers that be, see themselves as nothing but a gift.
Brilliant comment. Narcissism is not just about individuals. Societies and possibly civilisations are based on narcissistic patterns... High time to break the patterns and build healthy relationships, both on the personal and global level. Cheers and thank you.
@@kitiamuriel narcissism and racism are known to be close relatives.
Wow
Lot of people down south think this way
I had to move back in with my family due to financial issues from a car accident that left me unable to work for a while. I was also helping my family by paying them rent and taking care of my nephews. But my mom would say that I ‘couldn’t handle my finances’ and my dad would say ‘no one asked you to help’ and so they painted me as this messed up incapable person whenever I expressed concerns. The dynamic was awful, after horrible fights with them, where my mom said horribly emotionally abusive things about me, she would buy me gifts and expect me to then be ok. It was super messed up. Grateful for therapy and this program to help me get back on my feet and remember who I am. Everything thinks my mom’s a saint cause she gives so much to people, but it’s very much used to control them and make herself look good. I don’t care what others think now. So many blind enablers all around. I know the truth and am taking myself back. Disengaging keeping boundaries and focusing on me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I've been in your shoes and I'll be praying for your fortitude of mind. Stay strong in your Spirit! God bless you. Amen!
I’m sorry that you had to experience this type of pain, keep on looking after yourself,so that you can share your positive self with others and you can experience a healthy relationship that is about you,me and us !
You should only care about what others think about you or your behaviour if they are truly concerned about you,me and us .
Otherwise it is toxic.
i used to love the song, Someone to watch over me, but when you've been watched over incorrectly, you never want that again.
Oh, wow, is this timely. I am a stroke survivor, and am part of a Facebook group for survivors. A couple of days ago someone posted that their spouse insisted on controlling all aspects of their life, and that they thank them for doing it, because the stroke had made them helpless and incompetent. The survivors was clearly frightened and confused. Every alarm in my head went off and I commented that they should watch some of the videos here. I hope they see this one.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Best wishes. Love.
We received a long lecture from the stepMIL filled with care and concern about decisions ranging from our home, our coffee choice, my education, our dog, yada yada. After receiving this lecture, I realized it is a miracle that we made it to our 30's using our own brains..... This same inlaw is not talking to us any more because we responded to her long apology with boundaries. We also reminded her of her own words that we aren't children any more. It's been over 1.5 years since she has talked to us. She recently went online and claimed she was living her best life and unapologetically removing toxic people.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out 😂
Well said! This is how the narcissist manipulate others into thinking that they care about the person, when really behind the scenes they are trying to be that persons puppet master. In this way, the narcissist is looking for a double opportunity in order to receive supply. 1st the audiences attention about the matter and then the person that they say they are trying to help. When they crave attention and the spotlight, this is one of the ways they move or behave.
The instances of "help" are so spot on, it chills. Poisoned help.
Absolutely that cup of tea comes inequitably loaded. Choose your cups of tea with wise discernment. Yeh, this sucks too, nothing is off limits 😮
Word for word
This is a wonderful video I feel seen. My two narcissitic parents always enjoyed when I was sick and could control me and then complain out loud when I had recoverd, it was twisted. They also isolated me from everybody so now I'm a 45 year old hermit and I'm struggling financially so my narc mother is very happy that she gets to control and humiliate me by giving me money, It's a horrible situation and I can't find a job to support myself, I'm trapped and I hate her
Dr Ramani, what a breath of fresh air you are! Thank you for your work. ❤❤❤
Your videos always feel so timely for me, Dr. Ramani! I’m at a point in life where your videos have helped me realize sooner than I would’ve thought that I AM ready to leave. This week has been especially hard with my husband “helping” me with tiny things around the house and his toxic control emerged and certainly did confuse me! So I appreciated your video more than I would have! Thank you for all that you do!
That’s my mum. When you grow up with a parent like this, you will give up your autonomy and don’t know what you want in life. I tended to hang out with friends who booked the venue they liked, ordered the food they wanted and did the things they liked. Until one friend said I was being too nice and asked me if there something I really wanted, I began to question my submissive nature. I think this is due to my controlling mum’s behaviour towards me for so long.
I didn't even know what music I liked when I started trying to figure out who I was, my whole family got their validation from making me like their thing.
Wished I realised that before I married my Muslim husband. Needless to say that I brought thousands of kilometres between us to be safe from this insane controlling behaviour. Never again!
I am sure your quantum belief system wished you had managed your trajectory, too 😊.
🩷🙏🩷 So grateful that you escaped!
😭 One told me that I HAD to become Muslim... Leaving him almost destroyed me.
💞💞💞Peaceful Blessings!💞💞💞
@TouchdownJesusMB weird. Do you have the internet on your timeline?
Thank you for this powerful video. It reminds me of too many situations. It also echoes with the recent "I'll protect you whether you like it or not"
Yep. ( FDT) the ex narc bf too.
Oh my goodness yes! Thank you so much for these clear
Nuanced treatment of subjects that are anything but cut and dry black or white. You're helping us all learn good solid discernment, which seems to be highly needed.
Trust your instincts. If your guts tells you "Why am I feeling like I'm a child?", you are being controlled. My MIL does this. Ever since I married her son, I always felt like her son and I are playing 'house' and she, the mother, has to overlook everything we do and decide. I thought I was crazy, until the day she yelled at me and said "Your friends need to be approved by me because I care!" Sure you do.... 😂
Oh my gosh talk about it..I moved in with my bf and his brother. Who unbeknownst to me is a narcissist just like their mom. He has raged out several times. Due to us asking him to do chores in the house he lives in too. She has come over twice to "help" him clean up. She's rearranged kitchen items and made snide remarks. She controls his brother and tries to control my bf ( doesn't work) with money. His brother got a visa gift card to buy a game station. So their mom wouldn't see the transaction on his card and criticize him for spending money. (His money that he worked for may I add) when the card started giving him trouble he raged. All of us are adults by the way.
OMG my ex used to ask "are you OK?" to throw me through a loop. Also, "I worry about you" with a scrunched up super concerned fake expression. I thought something was off and will never get involved with a narc again!
That's a putdown, or devaluation, for sure. My mother would often say, "I pray for you every day." "I'm so worried about you." "You poor thing." "You look so tired." Then she would criticize my looks, clothes, job, parenting and house. I would primp and prime for two hours before visiting. Not once did she notice that I was relatively happy and successful. I would arrived well-rested and end up exhausted for three days after every visit.
"I'm doing this for your own good". "I'll help you whether you like it or not". This is my parents. And now they are doing it to a number of their family members while complaining about how busy they are "helping" all these people when these people didn't even necessarily ask for it or even want it.
This soooooooooo resonated with me. Thank you.
I truly appreciate your work. You have opened my eyes for the very first time! I have all the feelings that you have described in all your videos. I've been married for 17 years, and truly thought I was going crazy, but I'm married to a narcissist. Thank you for opening my mind! You gave me my voice and identity I lost a long time. Thank you so much!!!! You're so insightful and have done wonders for people. I can never show you enough gratitude for what you have done. You're absolutely amazing thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. You're definitely changing people's perspective on relationships. Thank you for being so kind and I admire your ambition to help people out.
Elderly with no food is abuse
I'm over all of it must move forward!!👊👊👊
Says our brain but body is stuck in lockdown
In solitaire ugh
@@rakheepatel9212
The other one won't even do a signed separation. I'll win I will fight the good fight!!😁😁
Thank you! I always wonder about the boundary between care and control!
Thank you. I've been there. Staying independent is the best antidote to keep controllers at bay. Control is not love. Unfortunately the world is filled with controlling people. I don't allow them to do that to me. I learned to take back my power. I continue to do it until they get the point. A lot of controlling people need pet projects. To make themselves feel better. It's really about them. Because they feel so out of control, controlling someone else is how they maintain their emotions. It's all about them, not the person who they're trying to control. I don't allow anyone's need for control to interfere in my life. My marriage was a lesson in how control can destroy you. The amount of people my ex has damaged is a lot. He even financially exploited his own family. He's like the terminator. If there's something he wants, he won't stop until he gets it. He can come across as friendly, but he's one second away from exploding. He has endless energy and never stops manipulating and planning until he gets what he wants. I'm lucky to be alive today.
Ugh. This really sucks. My mother definitely took over everything. She made me a scrapbook of pictures from my childhood. She “borrowed” it for showing a friend. I haven’t seen it since. She still has it. And there’s a ton of things I didn’t know and wasn’t taught until I learned it later.
Oh my, when you went into the things that they would say about finances I was snatched back to those early days with my ex where he would say that to me, among other horrible things. The whole time, HE was MESSING UP the money. I had to clean up his credit and his financial messes in order to close on our home, then he accused me of being petty about finances. I couldn't even spend money on my hobbies - but boy, DID HE.
Hello dr. Ramani and all viewers. Just here to say thank you and to share a thought. I find the tv series Columbo extremely interesting for anyone interested in the "narcissism" field. I'm now re-watching "Murder: a self portrait" and I recommend it and the series to everybody. Greetings everyone and congratulations on your pursuit to freedom.
Another caring as control tactic is the person constantly saying “I’m worried about your (sport / hobby / recreational activity).”When they worry because they have absolutely no experience about the activity. Even though you maybe an expert at the activity they say they are worried. Patronizing. Worrying is not the same as caring. When I asked the person to stop worrying, she became angry and cutoff communication
Im so messed up from a lifetime of this sick garbage. I can barely function anymore 😢
🏆 Thank you ❤️
OMG. I just described my father. It was a total lack of freedom in every field of my life. What a painful childhood. I finally found the strenghth to go away. Thank you to bring so much clarity and awareness ♥
The food one... My dad and I were talking about what we should have for dinner one night when it was just the two of us and I suggested scalloped potatoes as a side. He said he didn't like them. I've seen him eat scalloped potatoes many times and asked him about it and apparently it is "required" by my stepmother. I was stunned. Unfortunately, that is only one small example of the kinds of things going on.
You read my mind. I have been thinking about this a lot. Thank you for making this clear. ❤
Yes! I’ve silently referred to it as micromanaging. When I was last sick with a virus, I’m feeling lousy and in bed. She wanted me to take some OTC pain reliever. I declined, and she stomped out of the room in a huff saying I’m just trying to take care of you!! I’m a nurse, and I know what I want to take or not. I was sick but felt like I had to take care of her feelings.
And the narc who thinks your care is control. Hypocrisy!
I never got the contempt or criticism with the control but was still manipulated to eat, wear, and do things I didn't really want to.
I complied because I felt guilty and ungrateful not to. I thought he was being so nurturing and generous at the time.
Now I realise he didn't actually listen to what I wanted or care about my values and I can't believe that my vegetarian self was eating curried sausages because I felt rude not to.
Is this why I feel SO EXTREMELY uncomfortable when genuinely nice people do something for me? My mom issa narc and has been controlling me my entire goddamn life in disguise of "oh I care so much about you" with a side of humiliation
8 mins in 💯🎯💥
Chilling. You just described my father.
Fabulous explanation of the nuance! Thank you Doctor Ramani❣️
My ex would insist on “helping me” by taking over of what I was doing and by making decisions for me, and saying it’s cuz he cares
He’d create problems where there weren’t any, and tell me that it’s cuz he cares and cuz I never ask for help. I told him I don’t ask for help if I don’t need it and I ask if I do, and I specifically don’t ask him cuz he forces himself onto and into my situation. Again, he said he does it cuz if he doesn’t, he knows I won’t ask for help…
He basically was doing this to try to get me to feel like I can’t do anything by and for myself, and also to make himself feel like the hero in every situation
I truly hated it
Thank you ! You just summed up my childhood, minus the helping parts!
My current partner is *not a narcissist* . We've been together nearly 30 years and I became severely disabled roughly 10 years ago. Disability completely derailed the dynamic of our relationship. I know that a lot of unresolved trauma from childhood, as well as my first marriage, bubbles up and interferes with my interpretation of "caring". It's really difficult because disability puts us both in a position that neither of us signed up for. Neither of us lost our empathy, though. This video has been very useful flagging up the differences.
It has been imp to hear and realise that people dont change their characteristics ....really saved from someone very close because of your guidance
Also Happy Diwali 2024!!!
Please we need a whooole series of explanation on this subject ❤️
Toxic control. One lovely weekend day, wasband and I were sitting on the porch. He casually said he'd been thinking about ways to kill me, if I became seriously sick. OMG...
Take it from someone who was controlled their entire childhood, you will struggle with doing things for yourself. Learn how to manage finances on your own so you can start to manage your life on your own.
@@TheDerangedBlood I kind of went to the other extreme. I won’t ask for help when I should.
@@ginkgo2021 I admit, I learned that very same thing. The moment I do ask for help, it comes with attachments I don't want. Having narcissistic family members has made me a stronger person though. I value my alone time. I don't have to be around them just because they hold the title of family.
@@TheDerangedBlood this made me sigh in relief. Bittersweet to read relatability but man, to know others get it. The control piece is intense and the power they feel when you ask for anything… it’s like they’re seeing an all powerful ring or something. Puppet masters. It’s hard to accept the slander going on and at the same time there too, better alone than in bad company.
Thank you Dr.R.....it's sooooo helpful
Yes, there is control but not the criticisms and mean insults
My dad can wear whatever he wants out in public and he can look however he wants and I don’t question it.
And conversations with someone toxic and malignant that I don’t promote nor practice into my other normal every day life,is for specifically my survival, I’m not going along with the helping him with his public persona and how he looks in public, he wants to look like his age .poor , elderly, ineffectual, confused, mild quirky, and benign. It’s not a caregiving role that I’m doing. I am just here for somebody’s pleasure. And when I’ve come to find out is, I have complained to him before and he’s used to that so if it’s common and he’s used to it, then you go along with that in order to gain more clarity so putting myself in this position of answering your video caregiving is very important. Caregiving is a beautiful thing to offer and to spend your life doing if it’s for the right reasons. Caregiving is a mutually beneficial experience. my environment has to do with something else and so I know what happens behind closed doors and I know what happens for appearances sake in the outside world. know he’s been planning my entrapment for a while. setting me up for a while and now I know that I can get away from it because I stay here and I listen to you and thank you so much for always covering so many different subjects!!! Go Dr Ramani!!! Let me always work to better myself
I always got "listen to my words", talking to me like I'm a 5 year old and he was my husband. He also tried to give me time outs, talk about control and degradation! That's when I would walk away, otherwise I'd scream!!!!
Thank you
Thank-you for this ❤
You just described my Mother.
My dad 🎯💯
It's so annoying they give unsolicited advice. It's utterly meaningless. I no longer listen to it. 😖
A peter I've noticed is them inserting themselves in everything and saying how stuff should be done, when it should be done or not done. Yet if I ask for advise it's "I don't know", or some kind of insult over what I want to do.
I hate what these ppl had done. We need a community
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
Yes I think an advocacy home for women for this type of abuse. They can tell their stories and get the support they need Homeless shelters are not the place to go. I think it would be such a helpful process. There are physically battered shelters out there not what this type of abuse needs. It would just add to the suffering emotionally. Any opinions on this idea? I tried to help my friend with resources there is nothing out there searched several counties in my area. She feels so alone. She isn't the only one. 😢😢
Interesting timing for this message
6:54 word for word
And EVERY other flag as well 😔
My mother. My childhood. The ex husband. No contact with them both. I recover daily. They are control freaks. Emphasis on freaks
Thank you!
Thank you Dr 🙏🙂
It was so strange. My parents wanted me out of the house, always trying to get me to date. So when I did, and things were going well and their control started to slip, they desperately tried to rein me back in. Didn't work. Unfortunately my partner's mother is also a narc, and she tried to push me away. I didn't care. My partner and I love each other, that's what matters and they've helped me realize how bad of a situation I was in and I've showed them their mother was exhibiting the same behaviors. (I'm using gender neutral terms for privacy reasons).
Best form of expressing how you truely feel, to anyone who doesnt know you or took the time to know you it seems ljke a madness and crazy confusion to me all i hear and see is more excuses on why u couldnt "love me" why u chose to not csre for the one who u began the relationship with what a move but ur loss u shouldn't of messed with my sanity when it's clearly the only thing j can rely on anymore
Mommy dearest and my last two long term relationships. Fun times. Maybe if I had been educated…
Thanks!
Yes! Spot on!
🔥🔥🔥If they pickup your Prescriptions🔥🔥🔥Please check them for your safety!! The "mistake" was Not the Pharmacies!
❤ Yourself & be Safe!
My experience has been with a covert narcissist making me responsible for their health. In order to control the situation they have put the responsibility of their health and well being on me by refusing to make good choices for themselves. It has been a living hell and one I wish on no one. No one can guilt you better than a vulnerable, covert narcissist. They truly live in a world of delusion and don't care who they take down as long as they maintain their false sense of control even at the cost of their own demise.
Exactly
My Nex was super controlling but never contemptuous. He loved doing things, and I allowed him to. But when he finally left, his parting shot was that I was not grateful.
Whenever I voiced an opinion different from my senior colleague he would become angry and say things like "Maybe you should think about leaving" or "You are going to tear this department apart." One time I found it so threatening that when he left I felt compelled to write a letter (in which I copied the Dean) saying "If you ever do that again, I will call security." When he came in on Monday (before he saw the letter) he sought me out to not apologize but smooth things over. Once he saw the letter, he said something to the effect that he didn't realize how serious I took it. He had absolutely no self awareness of the inappropriateness of his behavior.
And when you state your preference that doesn’t go along with or match his, you’re screamed at that YOU’RE controlling?! It’s a mindf*ck
But your life should be yours to control and enjoy.
@ well, yeah. That’s my point :-)
Someone told me once I was controlling them for refusing to discuss certain topics with them. They had expressed to me that they felt I controlled them or influenced who they dated or how they spent their money. They were constantly finding themselves in toxic relationships and in the process of claiming bankruptcy due to poor financial management. I was tired of watching this cycle continue and gave my advice. When told I was always “influencing them,” I suggested we not discuss those topics anymore. I didn’t want them to feel controlled, I had only wanted to be real with them about their actions having consequences that were now negatively impacting them. When I told them I refused to speak about these topics but would gladly speak about anything else they ghosted me and told me I was being controlling. Still don’t know if I did the right thing or not.
Every communication w/my Malignant mother is a 1- sided interrogation/lecture/yell fest as she points her finger @ me the entire lecture. All I can say is "can you please holster your finger?" And if we're dining out...she'll substitute her finger w/her fork. I feel like I'm checking in w/my lifelong perole officer. It absolutely sucks.
I we been în a weird relation with someone that discard me life a toy, telling me things that keeps running into my mind. I have the impulse to hurtmyself to stop thinking about that person.
Be careful of fishing in comment sections. Yesterday what looked like a reply from Dr.Ramani was left on one of my comments and it included a phone number. But I don't believe it was really from Dr.Ramani. i think it was a scam. Don't give any info to these jerks.
Also being followed everywhere is control.
The psychological sting is demonic 👿. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🇯🇲🤲🙌
Mine told me that when we move into our new house that “things were going to be different”-by which he meant that we would 1.) not visit my family 2.) not get to know the neighbors 3.) not make friends or invite people over. I knew at that point that my life was about to close shut like a heavy door and I had to get out.
For longest time, I never realised that I was being controlled, all long under the guise of concern or care, to be labelled ungrateful or cold.
This video is very accurate. How to duck away, especially when they are elderly and it makes you into the inept ungrateful one?
My father pushed my psychiatrists in early childhood to diagnose me with mental disorders so he could isolate me throughout my life, especially in school. He seemed to get more and more intense about it as I got older. My family would always attack me every time I disagreed with him like he was god. Everyone on the outside says to me "you have such a perfect loving family he's just looking out for you," even to this day. I'm on SSDI right now and he's living his boomer dream where he has his sense of purpose "taking care of me." I've been set up to stay poorer than he is, and on top of that he's financially abusive.
I wasn't even allowed to pick my clothes or have control of my paycheck had to all go to him and he would take care of it. Wasn't allowed to choose what I drank was forced to drink zero soda and had to have a fallout over not wanting to wear dental floss in winter or just anything I was forced to hand my money over beg for what I needed and have his approval whether I deserved to have it or have what I wanted as in bra's that fit and how ungrateful I was for getting sex toys that I didn't want and I have always been poor and trash and am nothing without him. How my birthday and mothers day didn't matter cuz I wasn't his mother and he didn't care about his birthday but he was spending it out of town with his side pieces lol I would rather live in a tent and wash my azz in the creek than tolerate a soulless meat sac like that again.
My confusion about control vs. care is that the N just is boundaryless, tells me how to do things that are personal. It is infantalizing and enraging. These are often things one would tell a child. This causes me to lash out in extreme anger. They did this to someone once and they were so angry they had an accident and died in the moment. True story
Thank you❤
Mine told me I never promised you a rose garden. Well come to think about it. He’s never promised me a damn thing and if he has he never fulfilled it.
Watching this in the middle of applying for jobs to get the hell out of dodge. After my car died a year and a half ago I am not allowed to use either of the cars (there are 2 of them) to work a job. Being absolutely controlled. Been looking for a virtual job to save money. No luck. Now searching for one that is close enough so that ubering will allow me to at least pay for food...it is horrific. Please people, get financially stable regardless of whether or not your abuser is a parent or significant other.
At this point I think I'm being controlled/constricted not taken care of 😢
I just went through this kind of thing few days ago. Long story long :D. When i was still home with our small kids, I was struggling with money. I was working at that time for his bussines, which he calls "family bussines" but offcourse, I was working for free, that's why I was struggling. What surprise huh? When water heater in kitchen broke, I had to wash all dishes in freezing cold water or carrying it to opposite part of apartment to wash it in bathtub in warm water. I just didn't have money to repair, and offcourse permision to do anything about it. When I complaint, he washed oily dishes in cold water to prove me wrong. Guess what. I had to wash them again in bathroom after, cause they where oily af. Remember, I had to wait two months. Now things changed. Kids are older, so now I can work, so I'm working 3-4 jobs, to repaire damage he made with his "family bussines" that ate thousads of my time for literaly nothing. So he now have to be more involved. So, our washmachine broke. I have contact for amazing handyman who repaired that washmachine years ago. I just did let him know, that washmachine is broken, but I allready called handyman and taking care of it. He didn't like it offcourse. When I was at work, he opend that machine and tried to repaire it. I came home, got feedback that motor is burned, he find where to buy new one and he can change it. I remaned him, that handyman is comming tomorow and we will see. He was playing dumbass and told me he didn't know. He litteraly wasn't able to process 5 word message or just lied. Anyway, commanded me to call him when handyman comes, cause he need to talk to him for sure. Cuase I'm dumb shit who can't get my own fucking washing machine repaired without his controle. I didn't called him this time. Handyman came, did his work in 20 mins. and asked for 5× less money than buing new motor, because it wasn't that case-not surprise for me. I paid and was glad. I felt pretty nervous to call him happy news, why? After two months of washing dishes in ice cold water or in bathtub in bathroom a got money from him to repair, with the same command. Seeing handyman on that call at first confused and after minutes vissibly anoyed was really discomfortable for me. But in this time he was not screaming at me, but just complaints, so happy me. It can sound like paranoia, but I believe this plot is about me not under his financial control anymore and older kids, so he can show of. He didn't forget to tell kids "mommy broke washmachine" and forgot about "kids hear, kids tell". For context, that washingmachine is 25 years old! He knows it. What surprise it needs some little service time to time. Anyway, from outside view it seems like amazing hubby-daddy who is caring and doing his best. In whole context just insecure controle freak. In healthy relationship a would assume maybe "Oh that's bad, you would handle it? Good! Call if you need some help". In years, he did much, much, MUCH worse things to me, so this is just fresh funny story and remander for me, who he really is. If anyone readed this whole, I thank you very much. My little selftherapy for a day. 🙏
Praying 🙏
@keariewashburn4680 Thank you dear. I'M working on my way out and feeling happy and strong 🖤
This was a good video. Unfortunately, it's not something a survivor can listen to, and they get it, and then every decision or move will just fall into place in line. Like you said, it's a paradox of these relationships. It can sometimes take a long time.