Don’t share your secrets with them. Don’t confide in them or trust them. Don’t depend on them for anything. Use grey rock. Don’t give them your emotions.
@@dk5755be kind to yourself in all of this. You did not know what you did not know. Research all you can and learn to protect yourself. Your quiet is for you to heal. The Little Shaman on TH-cam had a video that said a narcissist is a blank canvas waiting for someone to give them something to be put on that canvas, give them nothing. Like Dr. Ramani has said “ they are not listening to you.” Also Dr. Ramani has said “This world needs you.” I hope you find peace in your life journey and I am sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Stay strong. 💕💪
1/ Never Over Sharing Anything with A Narcissit. 2/ Being Careful in Your Choice Of Words. 3/ Detecting Manipulations. 4/ Setting Firm Boundaries My Most Important Rule I've Learned Is Stopping All Communication Avoiding Them..
Me too. I’ve had a lifetime of abuse,neglect, sarcasm, and manipulation. Being by myself is my answer I’m 76 years old. At this point, I’m getting to know my inner child and being happy for the calm and peace that is in my life for the first time.
In their immature minds while you continue to interact with them you continue in their game, in their supply matrix. You have to use their language: When they discard a supply you literally do not exist. When they feel discarded as not useful, ignored, minimized, that is when they understand that you are no longer in the game. They are not normal people, you have to be radical with them. They know that if you could see them you wouldn't even talk to them, do it and they know that you still don't see their scam. Don't you see me? Don't you see that I use you and scam you? Do you speak to me? Do you share information about your life, your emotions, your thoughts, what are you going to do? Then you don't see me because no one would talk to a scammer without any emotional connection, so you continue in my game... you still don't know who I am and what I am capable of... let's continue.
Thanks for shifting over to managing a narc relationship Doc, as you say some of us can not just "get out" or "leave the relationship" like I have been advised by so many in the comments... wish I could !
A lot of well-meaning but ignorant people advise "leaving" and "getting out." A lot of abusive people advise that, too, just to be hurtful. Then they pretend that you don't leave because you're somehow "hooked" to being abused, and they decide that since you're Fair Game for Narky; then they may as well take a few pokes at you, too.
True. I think we're all working toward trusting ourselves. I had to do a lot of healing work to learn to trust myself in spite of self-doubt and pushback. I have the right to follow my best thinking and also to change my mind.
Happened to me with someone… wish I had never said a peep. Should know that when someone comes in spouting negative gossip about people in their life that you obviously can’t trust them with ANY personal information.
Seeing what was really happening in my relationship with my daughters gave me the strength to walk away from them. I stopped wondering what I was doing wrong, what I needed to do differently, begging for a little bit of their time, being their dog walker, housecleaner, cook,laundress, And punching bag. Thank God, those days are over. I live by myself. the rest of the family blames me for walking away from my daughters so they have nothing to do with me either. It’s difficult reframing your entire life at 75 years old. But the idea of walking back into that dysfunction makes me sick.
Bless you dear one...... you just described my life with my sons, except I can't walk away completely cause my elderly husband is still drinking their kool-aid and thinks they are mostly all wonderful n grand and even though we are on fixed income , we should still pay their car insurance and other expenses...... even though they make more money than we ever did....
7:27 just saying this for those new to the system. They WILL go the extra mile if they still need you for their ego or for something else in their life. But once they feel they have you, abuse resurfaces again. Watch more of Dr Ramani's for a well rounded understanding.
It's so whacked. If they'd just been normal we never would have left / kicked them out but they won't hear it or own up to their difference from the norm.
yes, when they need something, or when you have something that they want, or when they think they're losing you. THEN they'll treat you better and promise you anything...until you commit to them, again.
@@lindac6919 Exactly. Sometimes they'll start treating you good a few weeks before the time they know they're gonna need something big. Or for a few weeks when your relatives are around. Also like you said, if they notice you're beginning to be okay without them. They just get better until you give in again.
The eerie thing is that change can happen in a flip of a switch. He approached me with high commitment promises and I was always in doubt. One day i decided to give it my all. He sensed my submission and the gaslighting began. I didn't know what hit me.
@@purvamandlik4696 Somehow, they know when you "buy in" to their system. Sometimes it's obvious things, like if you marry them, or make a major purchase together, or loan them money, or get preggers. And somehow... they also KNOW when you've made a personal commitment.
13:42 when I realize that I was living with a narcisist I got into a panic mode as if I were in a horror movie. The call is coming from inside the house
38:00 a good analogy for me was always the "Chinese finger trap", its true with a lot of frustrations in life that the harder you struggle and stress yourself out fighting, the more trapped you become in the cycle of being exhausted and frustrated. You have to learn to let go and its SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Or the one my dad used was "Don't wrestle with the pigs, you're just going to get dirty and they like it that way"
You know gray rock is working when the narc begins to escalate and meltdown while you sit there with your boundaries intact and a deadpan look on your face.
lol that’s when they pull out the big guns like the “go f__ yourself” because they really have nothing of substance to say at all. Makes it easier to get away from these monsters when the mask is off.
Absolutely valuable info. You're right, not taking it personally does help but I AM still exhausted. Using skills is exhausting and I am using skills constantly to Grey or yellow rock. To anchor my reality, to "CBT " the unreality projected upon me and remind myself who I actually am. It's an ugly dance.
Thank you for your time and these videos. I honestly don’t know where I would be at this point in my mind if I didn’t have these and Dr. Carter’s videos. You have helped me understand so much. ❤
Dear Doctor Ramani Your allways my light, I’m struggling with so much but I find relief 😮💨 and comfort from your knowledge ❤ it makes me healthy again… if we had millions of you the world would be healthier 🙏so many thank you 🌈🧸
Very helpful, yes, for me too. Dealing with someone in family for many decades who repeatedly constructs false or slightly inaccurate narratives about me and publicizes in the family/ community. It is like a combo subtle smear campaign/lying/gaslighting with several sides of dismissive emotional neglect, abandonment, goalpost moving and manipulation. Possibly more.
36:18 - on. You always look to connect, it's the stuff of which relationships are built. They always look to disconnect and on to the next. Yes VERY exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming and humiliating to deal with. A black hole is the perfect term Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
No intimacy no romance insulted for trying to be silly and fun trying to make things light hearted was an even worse reaction she made everything worse again and again, would never admit they needed help as soon as I suggested it she rounded on me and went after every aspect of my character
Thank you for your explanation regarding how your reaction to a narcissist shows them you care, Dr. Ramani. This is very helpful. It's so difficult to realize that these people really get something from bothering and hurting.
I used to get upset when my narc mother came by (unannounced, boundary violation). My husband would speak to her and then immediately get busy in the garage or making a call in another room. He actually was protecting his peace. I finally stopped allowing her to cross boundaries and went no contact.
Excellent segment on grey rocking - and its toll on the grey rocker! Having to employ this method across time with certain others, I think it’s important one doesn’t grey rock one’s self into insignificance . . .
I had a huge trigger (for me) this week. Ohhhhhhh it was all about the public persona and the words he uses that seem so loving/gentle/kind/humble. And that public persona is who I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe the words he says. I think that’s who HE wants to be as well. But when the tyrant comes out in a rage/in entitlement/ in contempt/in psychological abuse? I KNOW that that is who he actually is. Identical to the way he described his father (the salesperson). He used to say that hundreds of people turned up to his father’s funeral talking about what a GREAT GUY he was and yet the family drove around in a limousine for hours after the funeral processing who could the man have been that people described? SAME THING happening with his 3rd wife and his public personal (online/as an author/etc). And my trigger on Monday was the public personal of his humility and then seeing photos and hearing about his rage and rampage that had actually occurred. I WAS TRIGGERED by by that discrepancy because I DONT TRUST MY OWN EXPERIENCES/PERCEPTIONS, given my experiences growing up and then being married to a Narcissist for 17 years. I was immobilized for nearly a day. FROZEN. And I haven’t even been married to him for 3 years now!!!
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
Hi Buckley. What u say here cld hve all come out of my mouth…. Just wondering. Aren’t many people lije this…. The false promises; the stupid excuses; the head in the sand; lacking capacity to deal with truthful n honest confrontation; narcissistic or…. Universally human….??
Don’t “Personalize” vs Don’t “Take it Personally”. I get it. I understood before this video, but now I’m more clear about the power shifts that occur. I have enjoyed the moment when I can successfully emotionally handle the bs that frames nearly every interaction.
Thinking about that, it is every interaction! They're always monitoring you, what you say, do, believe, behave. It's every interaction. I think that's where we become unglued, since we think we are just being open and honest but they aren't, they're collecting everything for perceived slights. They don't tell you that, instead you just get the backlash then or at a later date. There is no trust or authenticity.
Dr. Ramani - Thank you so much - words seem “not enough” for the depth of emotional expression you describe and address. Your dedication to victims of narcissistic abuse is invaluable - please continue to do this work. Truly thank you!
This video was so helpful, it's been so confusing for such a long time that we get lost in the confusion since we try to understand them and give them grace. I'm happy I found your page, because you've helped me see the light so to speak and after 10 years of the confusion, the stone walling and the severe lying.. I'm glad to finally be away from all of that. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom, it's a godsend to those of us who didn't know much about narcissism before.
Thank you Dr Ramani❤! I've watched you for a long time. This is one of the best presentations you've ever done! Your book has also been very valuable! It feels so wonderful to finally be on a "radical acceptance", awareness & heathy healing journey💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃
Your accuracy, clarity and courage still take me by surprise, Dr.! You are truly luminous. Thank you so much for your work! Your story-telling is also a gift. Not fawning, here, but rather amazed to receive your teaching just by subscribing on YT. I bought your fine book, but seeing you here and hearing your voice is so democratic and inclusive. Isn't there a Nobel Prize for luminosity? Namaste!🌷🙏🕊
Well done! Just want to add that's it's best to take should out of our vocabulary! Stop shoulding all over everyone 🤣 especially stop shoulding all over yourself, rather, say "I could" ; that's empowering! Great app analogy ! Thanks for the clarification on the depersonalizing ! Hugs to you Doctor Ramani. Bless you! 🌟💜🔥🙏🏼😇🕊💫
The difficul thing, is one you recieve the disdain, attacks and contempts of many narcissists in a family. That happened to me: Mother, uncle, cousins, brother, really, a hell of a situation, without any sense. A narcissistic family system it is possible the worst thing you can even experience.
I was so blinded I thought my mother was some kind of superwoman hero. Waking up to how much she has harmed and hurt me and was willing to do so has been painful and still is, just less so. I've found Jerry Wise to be invaluable as his channel is all about parents ✌
@@bereal6590 I see you. Realizing how much my mother's abuse was willing and intentional and even planned out, has been the hardest and most painful parts. And how she deliberately turned my Sister and Father against me. I was adopted into their family at age 6 weeks...because they didn't want Sis to be "single child" and "grow up spoiled." But really, she treated me like I was a whipping boy for Sis, and a place for Sis to dump all of her bad feelings on. I told myself that Mom was sick, that she must have had a hard life. I dumped so much healing into the sad, pathetic, vulnerable spider. And she sucked it up and spun her webs tighter and tighter around me. Jerry has really helped me, seeing the Golden Child vs Scapegoat dymanic has made so much of my past more clear to me. I wish you-and me- the best on our healing journeys.
Complete agree with the prior comment. Always fight for a bigger cause; not for a personal reason. And pick your battles/ priorities wisely based on how it could help you and everyone else around you and the entire universe too at times. ❤
This point Jase come to me at a crucial time in my narc marriage. I realize there will be backlash but you warned me about it!! That’s going to help me do this, making it a little better on myself. Thank you SO much for figuring out what goes on with the narc relationship and how to keep yourself safer and happy as possable in a relationship!
💖'Doctor Ramani, 'You , 'And You Alone, Are My Absolutely 'INDESPENSABLE' , Personal Doctor In LIFE. ... It is SUCH Intelligent and 'Caring' advice, that TRULY, You have changed the course of My feeling of being lost within the Labyrinth of Life. .... 'Thankyou. 💖
On some level I think I gray rocked (or disassociated?) my mom as a teen, she would get in my face yelling and screaming and all I knew to do was show zero face expression and not talk. I just blankly starred at her and not reacting would make her even more angry. I didn’t know what else to do. Speaking back was seen as talking back, nothing was acceptable 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you Sister Ramani once again you have help me in the middle of tough times. I started listening to you a number of yers ago. I drop back in to find strength in my own convictions. It made sense and I think I had become to take it personally again. Nervous system restored ahhh..... 🇬🇧❤👍🏽
I am listening this at work to remind myself that I have to stay professional and grey rock . It is very hard when someone lie, push your boundaries, always blame you and that person is your boss and you don’t have an immediate option to leave. I can’t wait to find a better place and a better work environment 🙏🏻
When you realize that you where all your life surrounded by untrusted narcissists, and that they will always betray you and your trust (mother, father, brothers, relatives), is really hard.
You have been my queen… in my journey through the grief and loss and for me most significant, the annihilation of my integrity. Your messages of hope and insight helped me regain my integrity with the knowledge that that seeming annihilation was a trick. It has been with me all along.
Because I am NOT the narcissist. They can try to destroy it, to effectually promote some sort of fake integrity they themselves portend to have, but as long as you hold strong to your truth and refuse to be baited, they will fail in their nefarious attempts to destroy you. Stay strong stay true. You can and will get through this… and find strength and resilience at the other end.
The lying comes so easily to them that ppl can't fathom that they are lying about everything, even stuff that doesn't matter. Esp when they have a religious title and a persona of the generous spiritual leader, at the same time they're actively sabotaging and trying to defeat their family.
Thank you, this is the confirmation I needed to make sure I was handling the situation wisely. It baffles me still after all the many life experiences I’ve had around this subject, just how manipulative and horrible “sweet and innocent” looking people can be.
i mostly appreciate you for your struggling to give any possible clue and i wish to see you enjoy your regained life. because in my case it is still a bit difficult.
The biggest regrets I have of 35 to 40 years ago is not working too much but talking to people I never should have talked to and never interacted with and instead just been very cold and grey rocked them.
It's a certain kind of migraine-inducing experience to be hearing all the mundane lies, the mundane information that doesn't ever really add up, that you realize you're trying to piece together as they're talking. Not fun, and you feel like you're being manipulated, like they're trying to hide something that actually is relevant to you. That grain of salt you have to apply just doesn't seem worth it. It's extracting a cost. And others can pick up on your reaction and react unsupportively.
The best results I’ve experienced with gray rocking an individual like this is. It gives you the patience and time to see what’s behind the mask. This is something I’ve discovered, is almost impossible while you are being lead by there chaotic nature.
Bickering and squabbling over minutia, and often in public. That fella I dated after my husband’s death couldn’t believe that we “never fought.” (We didn’t … for 35 years of marriage.) Silly me. I explained (in vain) that we had talked about a lot of things that were important … and one was that each of us wished to be treated with “scrupulous politeness.” He deemed that being shallow and artificial and said my husband must have been a real Casper Milquetoast. Yes, I no longer have any contact with this person. I deserve better than to be an outlet for someone’s insecurities and ineffectual need to dominate the landscape. I deserve far, far better.
A lot of well-meaning but ignorant people advise "leaving" and "getting out." A lot of abusive people advise that, too, just to be hurtful. Then they pretend that you don't leave because you're somehow "hooked" to being abused, and they decide that since you're Fair Game for Narky; then they may as well take a few pokes at you, too. Eff that sh*t. Not Today, Narky Nark Nark!
I’ve been gray rocking for months and the mental clarity once I saw the patterns for what they were is astonishing. I can almost predict what he’ll say. He’s now accusing me of ignoring him and withholding all affection. Which is truly ironic because he’s been doing that to me for years
Thank you for sharing your vast knowledge and understanding of surviving with a narcissist! I couldn’t rationalize or test this on my own!!! I hate to be so heavy but you have saved my life! Meaning I can stop setting on my bed feeling sorry for myself after 50 years of marriage with this-confusing person!!!
Completely agree. They can be very skilled about certain things, and you have to get tactical to not get on their narcissistic side. They do have a good side, but unfortunately they cannot sustain that level of empathy all the time.
After being fk'd over by a series of narcissists and the odd psychopath over my lifetime, I am done. DONE. Just ended a two year friendship of non-stop drama and then one last egregious bullshit move and that was it for me. There is no point trying to get them to see what they do or have done. They will never, ever, change or accept responsibility for their bullshit. So, byeeeeeee. It feels GREAT to not be hooked by their attempts to guilt. They created that in me and it feels great. *&#* them. I'm now free!
Your right about the personalizing , that's a very hard one for me I'm still dealing with my ex narc and even just to get my mail he best me down andade me feel terrible bc I left and now I have to contact him again to get the rest of my personal items I'm dred doing it bc it's very mentally exhausting with how he gets so I'll keep listening to your videos and hopefully get enough strength to do it. Thank you 🙏
Try smiling and being calm when they start to go off.....this has really worked for me. Then just walk away and have a really good chuckle in private. They are so stupid and predictable.
Hell Yeah you’re Right, holding on to that much emotion did take a toll on me, I call holding back that huge amount of emotions, swallowing the hand grenades!!!
i get it..narcs can't be kind and respectful but they expect that from us..and they pick and choose which of us they will treat like dirt..I resent that. I've tried going grey rock..and they publicly mock me calling me Miss Sparkles..can't win
This video is really triggering me. I remember all the times my daughter would scream at me and scream at me about absolutely nothing. If I didn’t react, she just screamed and screamed till I did if I did react, she screamed and screamed anyway. I’m so happy to be out of that relationship, it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen her.
Don’t share your secrets with them. Don’t confide in them or trust them. Don’t depend on them for anything. Use grey rock. Don’t give them your emotions.
Easier said than done when they’re supposed to be your “life partner”. They’re not even capable of being simple roommates. 😢
I understand, I'm having to ask God to help me...
that's the only way I will make it.
🙏🫂
I've dealt with this for 39 yrs and I completely approve of your message.
@@dk5755be kind to yourself in all of this. You did not know what you did not know. Research all you can and learn to protect yourself. Your quiet is for you to heal. The Little Shaman on TH-cam had a video that said a narcissist is a blank canvas waiting for someone to give them something to be put on that canvas, give them nothing. Like Dr. Ramani has said “ they are not listening to you.” Also Dr. Ramani has said “This world needs you.” I hope you find peace in your life journey and I am sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Stay strong. 💕💪
1/ Never Over Sharing Anything with A Narcissit.
2/ Being Careful in Your Choice Of Words.
3/ Detecting Manipulations.
4/ Setting Firm Boundaries
My Most Important Rule I've Learned Is Stopping All Communication Avoiding Them..
The last rule is the most effective and the most necessary thing to remember
@@Freethnkr Absolutely
wisdom
Me too. I’ve had a lifetime of abuse,neglect, sarcasm, and manipulation. Being by myself is my answer I’m 76 years old. At this point, I’m getting to know my inner child and being happy for the calm and peace that is in my life for the first time.
In their immature minds while you continue to interact with them you continue in their game, in their supply matrix. You have to use their language: When they discard a supply you literally do not exist. When they feel discarded as not useful, ignored, minimized, that is when they understand that you are no longer in the game.
They are not normal people, you have to be radical with them. They know that if you could see them you wouldn't even talk to them, do it and they know that you still don't see their scam.
Don't you see me? Don't you see that I use you and scam you? Do you speak to me? Do you share information about your life, your emotions, your thoughts, what are you going to do? Then you don't see me because no one would talk to a scammer without any emotional connection, so you continue in my game... you still don't know who I am and what I am capable of... let's continue.
Staying calm . Staying silent ... it's so very hard but worth it 🫤
It is hard to decide on worth, everyone situation is different. But it is certainly the only way to live/survive if the exit is not in the cards
Yeah, because your not supposed to be smart enough to stick up for yourself
Thanks for shifting over to managing a narc relationship Doc, as you say some of us can not just "get out" or "leave the relationship" like I have been advised by so many in the comments... wish I could !
Same
A lot of well-meaning but ignorant people advise "leaving" and "getting out." A lot of abusive people advise that, too, just to be hurtful. Then they pretend that you don't leave because you're somehow "hooked" to being abused, and they decide that since you're Fair Game for Narky; then they may as well take a few pokes at you, too.
Same and I've found not being able to, to be frustrating, stressful and anxiety provoking. If I could move I'd be gone. ✌
True. I think we're all working toward trusting ourselves. I had to do a lot of healing work to learn to trust myself in spite of self-doubt and pushback. I have the right to follow my best thinking and also to change my mind.
Dr. ramani- you are saving my life. Such powerful and usable information every single time!
Same here. She's amazing 💜
Amen to that!
Don't make anything personal, keep it strictly business.
Unfortunately the narc once they have you in their crosshairs insist on making it personal. Keeping your head down guarantees nothing.
Sometimes, you've over shared, unaware of them being narcs... So in those cases, once you see red flags, handle them accordingly.
YES
Happened to me with someone… wish I had never said a peep. Should know that when someone comes in spouting negative gossip about people in their life that you obviously can’t trust them with ANY personal information.
This is my favorite video so far because what you’re advising is extremely practical . I really want to thank you for helping people.
Seeing what was really happening in my relationship with my daughters gave me the strength to walk away from them. I stopped wondering what I was doing wrong, what I needed to do differently, begging for a little bit of their time, being their dog walker, housecleaner, cook,laundress, And punching bag. Thank God, those days are over. I live by myself. the rest of the family blames me for walking away from my daughters so they have nothing to do with me either. It’s difficult reframing your entire life at 75 years old. But the idea of walking back into that dysfunction makes me sick.
Live YOUR life
@@afterthestorm9355 thank you 🙏😊
Bless you dear one...... you just described my life with my sons, except I can't walk away completely cause my elderly husband is still drinking their kool-aid and thinks they are mostly all wonderful n grand and even though we are on fixed income , we should still pay their car insurance and other expenses...... even though they make more money than we ever did....
You just described my life.
@@bonniekesic8040 thank you for sharing. No one understands who hasn’t been through this how traumatic it is to walk away from family.
You are SO RIGHT about hesitating to give up because you want them to get better! 🥴
Ugh! Yep 😝
7:27 just saying this for those new to the system. They WILL go the extra mile if they still need you for their ego or for something else in their life. But once they feel they have you, abuse resurfaces again. Watch more of Dr Ramani's for a well rounded understanding.
It's so whacked. If they'd just been normal we never would have left / kicked them out but they won't hear it or own up to their difference from the norm.
yes, when they need something, or when you have something that they want, or when they think they're losing you. THEN they'll treat you better and promise you anything...until you commit to them, again.
@@lindac6919 Exactly. Sometimes they'll start treating you good a few weeks before the time they know they're gonna need something big. Or for a few weeks when your relatives are around. Also like you said, if they notice you're beginning to be okay without them. They just get better until you give in again.
The eerie thing is that change can happen in a flip of a switch.
He approached me with high commitment promises and I was always in doubt. One day i decided to give it my all. He sensed my submission and the gaslighting began.
I didn't know what hit me.
@@purvamandlik4696 Somehow, they know when you "buy in" to their system. Sometimes it's obvious things, like if you marry them, or make a major purchase together, or loan them money, or get preggers. And somehow... they also KNOW when you've made a personal commitment.
If there's one thing I learnt it was that to walk away silently would hurt them a lot more than violence because you give them no reaction. 🍒
This video is amazing Insight it saves a lot of people a lot of heartbreak, just thinking logically.And mentally about the narcissist relationship
13:42 when I realize that I was living with a narcisist I got into a panic mode as if I were in a horror movie. The call is coming from inside the house
Absolutely correct. I look at my daughters now and see their behavior as monstrous. They’re so cold so calculating so hurtful.
38:00 a good analogy for me was always the "Chinese finger trap", its true with a lot of frustrations in life that the harder you struggle and stress yourself out fighting, the more trapped you become in the cycle of being exhausted and frustrated. You have to learn to let go and its SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
Or the one my dad used was "Don't wrestle with the pigs, you're just going to get dirty and they like it that way"
You know gray rock is working when the narc begins to escalate and meltdown while you sit there with your boundaries intact and a deadpan look on your face.
Agreed. The ringside seat provides an interesting view.
...and when you say, in a clinical tone:" It's interesting you say that."
lol that’s when they pull out the big guns like the “go f__ yourself” because they really have nothing of substance to say at all. Makes it easier to get away from these monsters when the mask is off.
Absolutely valuable info. You're right, not taking it personally does help but I AM still exhausted. Using skills is exhausting and I am using skills constantly to Grey or yellow rock. To anchor my reality, to "CBT " the unreality projected upon me and remind myself who I actually am. It's an ugly dance.
Dr Ramani. Youre my super hero. I love you. 😅
Thank you for your time and these videos. I honestly don’t know where I would be at this point in my mind if I didn’t have these and Dr. Carter’s videos. You have helped me understand so much. ❤
Dear Doctor Ramani
Your allways my light, I’m struggling with so much but I find relief 😮💨 and comfort from your knowledge ❤ it makes me healthy again… if we had millions of you the world would be healthier 🙏so many thank you 🌈🧸
OMG! Doctor Ramani, this is the most hepful video for me!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Very helpful, yes, for me too. Dealing with someone in family for many decades who repeatedly constructs false or slightly inaccurate narratives about me and publicizes in the family/ community. It is like a combo subtle smear campaign/lying/gaslighting with several sides of dismissive emotional neglect, abandonment, goalpost moving and manipulation. Possibly more.
36:18 - on. You always look to connect, it's the stuff of which relationships are built. They always look to disconnect and on to the next. Yes VERY exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming and humiliating to deal with. A black hole is the perfect term Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
No intimacy no romance insulted for trying to be silly and fun trying to make things light hearted was an even worse reaction she made everything worse again and again, would never admit they needed help as soon as I suggested it she rounded on me and went after every aspect of my character
Ive never met a narc that was actually skilled at something else than exploiting people. All their supposed skills were just lies .
Thank you for your explanation regarding how your reaction to a narcissist shows them you care, Dr. Ramani. This is very helpful. It's so difficult to realize that these people really get something from bothering and hurting.
My ex wife frequently lied and gaslighted the kids and me. It took me a long time to give up on the relationship. In the end it was worth it though.
I used to get upset when my narc mother came by (unannounced, boundary violation). My husband would speak to her and then immediately get busy in the garage or making a call in another room.
He actually was protecting his peace. I finally stopped allowing her to cross boundaries and went no contact.
Excellent segment on grey rocking - and its toll on the grey rocker! Having to employ this method across time with certain others, I think it’s important one doesn’t grey rock one’s self into insignificance . . .
Rule #1 - Don't believe anything they say.
Amen!!!
I had a huge trigger (for me) this week. Ohhhhhhh it was all about the public persona and the words he uses that seem so loving/gentle/kind/humble. And that public persona is who I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe the words he says. I think that’s who HE wants to be as well. But when the tyrant comes out in a rage/in entitlement/ in contempt/in psychological abuse? I KNOW that that is who he actually is. Identical to the way he described his father (the salesperson). He used to say that hundreds of people turned up to his father’s funeral talking about what a GREAT GUY he was and yet the family drove around in a limousine for hours after the funeral processing who could the man have been that people described? SAME THING happening with his 3rd wife and his public personal (online/as an author/etc). And my trigger on Monday was the public personal of his humility and then seeing photos and hearing about his rage and rampage that had actually occurred. I WAS TRIGGERED by by that discrepancy because I DONT TRUST MY OWN EXPERIENCES/PERCEPTIONS, given my experiences growing up and then being married to a Narcissist for 17 years. I was immobilized for nearly a day. FROZEN. And I haven’t even been married to him for 3 years now!!!
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
THIS
Hi Buckley. What u say here cld hve all come out of my mouth…. Just wondering. Aren’t many people lije this…. The false promises; the stupid excuses; the head in the sand; lacking capacity to deal with truthful n honest confrontation; narcissistic or…. Universally human….??
The app analogy is brilliant. 😂
Mind blowing.
Enter the heart.
❤❤❤
Thank you for helping me so.
Don’t “Personalize” vs Don’t “Take it Personally”. I get it. I understood before this video, but now I’m more clear about the power shifts that occur. I have enjoyed the moment when I can successfully emotionally handle the bs that frames nearly every interaction.
Thinking about that, it is every interaction! They're always monitoring you, what you say, do, believe, behave. It's every interaction. I think that's where we become unglued, since we think we are just being open and honest but they aren't, they're collecting everything for perceived slights. They don't tell you that, instead you just get the backlash then or at a later date. There is no trust or authenticity.
@@bereal6590
Literally a state of dis-ease to live in 😢
@@Snivebyram like an alternative reality of perpetual confusion 👍✌️
Dr. Ramani - Thank you so much - words seem “not enough” for the depth of emotional expression you describe and address. Your dedication to victims of narcissistic abuse is invaluable - please continue to do this work. Truly thank you!
Tactical disassociation-spot on! I love that
This video was so helpful, it's been so confusing for such a long time that we get lost in the confusion since we try to understand them and give them grace. I'm happy I found your page, because you've helped me see the light so to speak and after 10 years of the confusion, the stone walling and the severe lying.. I'm glad to finally be away from all of that. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom, it's a godsend to those of us who didn't know much about narcissism before.
Thank you Dr Ramani❤! I've watched you for a long time. This is one of the best presentations you've ever done! Your book has also been very valuable!
It feels so wonderful to finally be on a "radical acceptance", awareness & heathy healing journey💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃
Your accuracy, clarity and courage still take me by surprise, Dr.! You are truly luminous. Thank you so much for your work! Your story-telling is also a gift. Not fawning, here, but rather amazed to receive your teaching just by subscribing on YT. I bought your fine book, but seeing you here and hearing your voice is so democratic and inclusive. Isn't there a Nobel Prize for luminosity? Namaste!🌷🙏🕊
Well done!
Just want to add that's it's best to take should out of our vocabulary! Stop shoulding all over everyone 🤣 especially stop shoulding all over yourself, rather, say "I could" ; that's empowering!
Great app analogy !
Thanks for the clarification on the depersonalizing ! Hugs to you Doctor Ramani.
Bless you! 🌟💜🔥🙏🏼😇🕊💫
I am there. Have stopped caring and have the clarity. It’s so freeing!!
The difficul thing, is one you recieve the disdain, attacks and contempts of many narcissists in a family. That happened to me: Mother, uncle, cousins, brother, really, a hell of a situation, without any sense. A narcissistic family system it is possible the worst thing you can even experience.
Yes it is. Family is the worst.
I grasp your hand.
I was so blinded I thought my mother was some kind of superwoman hero. Waking up to how much she has harmed and hurt me and was willing to do so has been painful and still is, just less so. I've found Jerry Wise to be invaluable as his channel is all about parents ✌
@@bereal6590 I see you. Realizing how much my mother's abuse was willing and intentional and even planned out, has been the hardest and most painful parts. And how she deliberately turned my Sister and Father against me.
I was adopted into their family at age 6 weeks...because they didn't want Sis to be "single child" and "grow up spoiled."
But really, she treated me like I was a whipping boy for Sis, and a place for Sis to dump all of her bad feelings on.
I told myself that Mom was sick, that she must have had a hard life. I dumped so much healing into the sad, pathetic, vulnerable spider. And she sucked it up and spun her webs tighter and tighter around me. Jerry has really helped me, seeing the Golden Child vs Scapegoat dymanic has made so much of my past more clear to me.
I wish you-and me- the best on our healing journeys.
🫂
Thank you Dr. Ramani. 🙏♥♥♥🌹🌹🌹😎
Love you love your content and the good timing of your videos whenever I need an advice about dealing with such monsters
Complete agree with the prior comment. Always fight for a bigger cause; not for a personal reason. And pick your battles/ priorities wisely based on how it could help you and everyone else around you and the entire universe too at times. ❤
This point Jase come to me at a crucial time in my narc marriage. I realize there will be backlash but you warned me about it!! That’s going to help me do this, making it a little better on myself. Thank you SO much for figuring out what goes on with the narc relationship and how to keep yourself safer and happy as possable in a relationship!
Loved you podcast.. the only logical thing to do in situations that call for tactical deregulation😊
I live in what Canada calls a remote community. Believe me narcissists are every where.
The APP idea is BRILLIANT!!! Makes so much sense!!!!! Thank you.
Fabulous Lady here. Love her material. Just the best.
💖'Doctor Ramani, 'You , 'And You Alone, Are My Absolutely 'INDESPENSABLE' , Personal Doctor In LIFE. ... It is SUCH Intelligent and 'Caring' advice, that TRULY, You have changed the course of My feeling of being lost within the Labyrinth of Life. .... 'Thankyou. 💖
On some level I think I gray rocked (or disassociated?) my mom as a teen, she would get in my face yelling and screaming and all I knew to do was show zero face expression and not talk. I just blankly starred at her and not reacting would make her even more angry. I didn’t know what else to do. Speaking back was seen as talking back, nothing was acceptable 🤷🏼♀️
Maybe your survival instincts kicked in. Thank goodness for those!
This information is so valuable. It affirms what my soul was all along struggling with. Now I have a confirmation.
Thank you Sister Ramani once again you have help me in the middle of tough times. I started listening to you a number of yers ago. I drop back in to find strength in my own convictions.
It made sense and I think I had become to take it personally again. Nervous system restored ahhh..... 🇬🇧❤👍🏽
Narcissists bait fights in every direction then step back waiting for you to clean up their mess again and again.
You kill me! In a good way, Dr. Ramani 😊 and I haven't even watched the video yet; the title did it, as I am in the thick of it.😣💪🏼✌🏼💜
I am listening this at work to remind myself that I have to stay professional and grey rock . It is very hard when someone lie, push your boundaries, always blame you and that person is your boss and you don’t have an immediate option to leave. I can’t wait to find a better place and a better work environment 🙏🏻
You are AWESOME!!!!!❤❤❤
Vulnerable narcissist plus dementia = torture to me. I'm just holding on by fingertips to my sanity. God help me. I just want to go to heaven.
Hold on and try Dr. Ramani’s online community. It helps, even if you’re only able to be on the periphery. ❤️❤️❤️
Same
You are not alone. Put up your wall and don’t react.
Take walks, sit on the porch and try to avoid them. They are a pain in the rear.
@@susanbradleyskov9179 Thank you so much. I don't have much resources but I will take a look.
thank you, dr Ramani! I liked it very much!!!
Dr Ramani you are quite literally saving my life! Thank you doesn't express the feeling enough. But... Thank you.
Cut off the supply.
This video was EXCELLENT ❤
❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani!!
When you realize that you where all your life surrounded by untrusted narcissists, and that they will always betray you and your trust (mother, father, brothers, relatives), is really hard.
It is really, REALLY hard 😢 And you are not alone ❤
this happened to me also, run away from toxic parents and siblings, ended married a covert husband, i’m 51 now, married for 25 years
You have been my queen… in my journey through the grief and loss and for me most significant, the annihilation of my integrity. Your messages of hope and insight helped me regain my integrity with the knowledge that that seeming annihilation was a trick. It has been with me all along.
Because I am NOT the narcissist. They can try to destroy it, to effectually promote some sort of fake integrity they themselves portend to have, but as long as you hold strong to your truth and refuse to be baited, they will fail in their nefarious attempts to destroy you. Stay strong stay true. You can and will get through this… and find strength and resilience at the other end.
Love the key words that Dr R is using because they are the same I used to describe the narc in my life
Radical acceptance saved my life and my mental health... Thank u Dr Ramani ❤
Thanks for sharing
The lying comes so easily to them that ppl can't fathom that they are lying about everything, even stuff that doesn't matter. Esp when they have a religious title and a persona of the generous spiritual leader, at the same time they're actively sabotaging and trying to defeat their family.
Observe. Don’t absorb 🙌
Good advice.
I just love Dr. Ramani
Thank you, this is the confirmation I needed to make sure I was handling the situation wisely. It baffles me still after all the many life experiences I’ve had around this subject, just how manipulative and horrible “sweet and innocent” looking people can be.
i mostly appreciate you for your struggling to give any possible clue and i wish to see you enjoy your regained life. because in my case it is still a bit difficult.
you are so awesome Dr. Ramani ! great advice and super helpful!
The biggest regrets I have of 35 to 40 years ago is not working too much but talking to people I never should have talked to and never interacted with and instead just been very cold and grey rocked them.
Thank you for the advice and great video 😊❤
It's a certain kind of migraine-inducing experience to be hearing all the mundane lies, the mundane information that doesn't ever really add up, that you realize you're trying to piece together as they're talking. Not fun, and you feel like you're being manipulated, like they're trying to hide something that actually is relevant to you. That grain of salt you have to apply just doesn't seem worth it. It's extracting a cost. And others can pick up on your reaction and react unsupportively.
The best results I’ve experienced with gray rocking an individual like this is.
It gives you the patience and time to see what’s behind the mask.
This is something I’ve discovered, is almost impossible while you are being lead by there chaotic nature.
Radical acceptance…
of the persons limitations
Love, Love!!
I wish I knew this when I was younger! But the understanding of all this information is well absorbed
Thank you!!!!
Bickering and squabbling over minutia, and often in public. That fella I dated after my husband’s death couldn’t believe that we “never fought.” (We didn’t … for 35 years of marriage.)
Silly me. I explained (in vain) that we had talked about a lot of things that were important … and one was that each of us wished to be treated with “scrupulous politeness.” He deemed that being shallow and artificial and said my husband must have been a real Casper Milquetoast.
Yes, I no longer have any contact with this person. I deserve better than to be an outlet for someone’s insecurities and ineffectual need to dominate the landscape. I deserve far, far better.
Thank you for excellent observations and brilliant advice dr Ramani ❤
A lot of well-meaning but ignorant people advise "leaving" and "getting out." A lot of abusive people advise that, too, just to be hurtful.
Then they pretend that you don't leave because you're somehow "hooked" to being abused, and they decide that since you're Fair Game for Narky; then they may as well take a few pokes at you, too.
Eff that sh*t. Not Today, Narky Nark Nark!
Am going off the grid . Road trip around Australia.
I’ve been gray rocking for months and the mental clarity once I saw the patterns for what they were is astonishing. I can almost predict what he’ll say. He’s now accusing me of ignoring him and withholding all affection. Which is truly ironic because he’s been doing that to me for years
Not taking things personally is good advice for all relationships.
Thank you for sharing your vast knowledge and understanding of surviving with a narcissist! I couldn’t rationalize or test this on my own!!! I hate to be so heavy but you have saved my life! Meaning I can stop setting on my bed feeling sorry for myself after 50 years of marriage with this-confusing person!!!
Completely agree. They can be very skilled about certain things, and you have to get tactical to not get on their narcissistic side. They do have a good side, but unfortunately they cannot sustain that level of empathy all the time.
After being fk'd over by a series of narcissists and the odd psychopath over my lifetime, I am done. DONE. Just ended a two year friendship of non-stop drama and then one last egregious bullshit move and that was it for me. There is no point trying to get them to see what they do or have done. They will never, ever, change or accept responsibility for their bullshit. So, byeeeeeee. It feels GREAT to not be hooked by their attempts to guilt. They created that in me and it feels great. *&#* them. I'm now free!
Your right about the personalizing , that's a very hard one for me I'm still dealing with my ex narc and even just to get my mail he best me down andade me feel terrible bc I left and now I have to contact him again to get the rest of my personal items I'm dred doing it bc it's very mentally exhausting with how he gets so I'll keep listening to your videos and hopefully get enough strength to do it. Thank you 🙏
I was in a relationship with one for 17 years...no more! Thank you for your videos ❤😊
Try smiling and being calm when they start to go off.....this has really worked for me. Then just walk away and have a really good chuckle in private. They are so stupid and predictable.
❤ u sister🎉
Yes!!! I don't have the luxury of getting away from that person.... and tactical savvy 😢... but must try!
Hell Yeah you’re Right, holding on to that much emotion did take a toll on me, I call holding back that huge amount of emotions, swallowing the hand grenades!!!
Also as a historian it is also important to understand that even napoleon was not Napoleon
...and Idi Amin was NEVER the King of Scotland.
i get it..narcs can't be kind and respectful but they expect that from us..and they pick and choose which of us they will treat like dirt..I resent that.
I've tried going grey rock..and they publicly mock me calling me Miss Sparkles..can't win
I'd rather be Miss Sparkles,
than be one of the Narkles.
This video is really triggering me. I remember all the times my daughter would scream at me and scream at me about absolutely nothing. If I didn’t react, she just screamed and screamed till I did if I did react, she screamed and screamed anyway. I’m so happy to be out of that relationship, it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen her.
I don't wish revenge upon a narcissist but great point on the app!