Be Friends with Avoidant to Get Them Back
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ค. 2024
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This approach has been working for us. I'm secure but I lean fearful avoidant. He's mostly dismissive avoidant. We had the experience you are explaining with the "expectations" and that didn't work. He said he wanted to just be friends. I was good with that and stepped back. Over the last few months, he's been steadily drawing closer to me. We started dating again and he's looking for ways to do things for me now. By just giving him the freedom and space to come and go as is best for him, he's doing more for me than I would have asked or expected. He's also beginning to show more vulnerability as the trust and security grows. I can actually see a future I want to have. It's like we are steadily balancing one another.
Same here. No contact worked wonders. We bumped into each other at a dance event recently, and he was mesmerised by my happy, relaxed, feminine energy. Plus, I looked absolutely stunning. All things combined, and we are back together, closer than ever. 🙏
Wow!! What a win!! God bless you both and stay blessed together forever!!🎉
@@veral2274Amazing!! This sounds so inspiring!! God bless you both!! And stay blessed together forever!!
u didn't go in no contact before? u went right into being friends?
@@user-jf3vw1og6z
In our case, we had a natural no contact period. We stayed friends on social media but just stopped chatting privately. We didn't talk for about a month in early fall. But we are also both around 50 years old with work, family, etc so, even now while dating, we generally only catch up with each other every few days. The periods apart are really only serving to reinforce our desire to continue getting closer. For us, the slow dance is just a more natural fit. No rush.
Yes, makes total sense. It's a personal choice whether you want to invest more time though playing this "dance" of trying to build a connection again while not pushing them away. I can't do it, can't be friends, even though I believe you're 100% correct that this is the right, no-pressure approach. I need someone who is comfortable with the "gamble" of expressing their feelings, so I'm moving on now. Your videos have made me whole again Alexis. Thank you so much!
The problem is getting contact in oerson due to their avoidance, to implement these things
I'm not sure what is tactical or strategic in terms of getting back our exes, and yes, I do want to get back my ex. But I don't want to be her friend, it would be very confusing and demeaning. I told her I would NOT be her friend, just as she would NOT be my partner/lover. So we have no overlap, and unless she contacts me, I will move on. Period, end of story.
I did stay friends with my ex and even tho some progress was made over time, where i believed they had true feelings for me again, it was not worth it in the end as it didn't last for very long. I just ended up getting my heart broken again when they met someone else, and threw me out like yesterday's trash and claimed they always saw me as a friend. So I left for real this time. If they want me, they will come back (altho unlikely). And I won't have to suffer through a demeaning period of constantly questioning if someone loves me or not.
I recently realized this is so accurate after two false (re)starts. Each time, she started opening up but I went in too fast and deep and I scared her away (again). I’m trying to go slow this time, re-establishing friendship, humor, flirting, and meanwhile reinstilling a sense of safety while we make plans to get together (LDR). It really is like winning her over, all over again. But eventually there has to be the discussion of how to prevent what caused the break-up. Talk about delicate timing, hope I can navigate that successfully. 🤞🏻
All the very best.
From my experience with my avoidant, I wrote this poem:
I was being a flood all the while,
I was led to being the river again, by him.
Is tip toeing around that person really worth it? I completely agree with bettering yourself, for someone who can reciprocate.
@@livewires8637 you never know the worth of anything/anyone until you have given your 100% to the relationship. Hoping and trying without expectation is much more resilient than just dropping it on some estimates about the person. God bless us all with that strong.
@@livewires8637valid question, I am not sure tbh. We had so much potential and it ended too soon. As Alexis said in the video, after reconnecting you have to assess whether the person is willing and able to do the work on themselves and the relationship. In my case it is more complicated because we live on different continents, so the effort of getting together is high and the outcome remains uncertain. But I want to try and see where it goes. Worst case, I hope to gain insight/closure regarding what really caused our breakup.
So what happened!? Are you guys back together now? Did it work out? I'm in a similar boat right now, made the same mistakes in the past and this time i'm keeping things very casual and light as not not scare him off again by accidentally putting too much pressure on him before he feels safe enough. Even just by expressing my strong emotions for him it would scare him away, because i think he felt this overwhelming pressure not to fail me and didnt feel confident enough. SO now after months of no contact we are back to talking but I'm not bringing up the past or him and I, just as Alexis has taught, and so far it seems to be working
Super interesting. Thank you
Oddly enough this has made my relationship better with my DA. The one thing that hasn't changed much is what to expect of this. Are we a couple or not? I don't mind the freedom but it feels too much like let's just wait and see how things go. My feeling has always been to just let it go where it wants to go. It may sound odd but going well never seems to be enough for her to overcome her fears. She continues to want to see me so I let it rest at that. This relationship is now in its 4th year after being friends for about 4 years before. I ended it one time but she insisted that we had to continue to see each other. So I did and now we are actually closer but believe me it is still an odd relationship.
Same! It’s very odd been with an avoidant, iv figured that they want you in their life but not share their life, two completely different things I’m nearly 5yrs in now but honestly feel I don’t care either way, if we split what can I miss?? I don’t get what I need or want, you end things they just carry on been single and free then the return and then it’s all about them again! So glad I don’t live with him lol 😅
Well put. I read a lot of comments about people who have long involved relationships with avoidants and still feel like you do. Everyone likes to point out that you have now become the problem because you stay when you shouldn't. But like you said the lines are clear for two months and then hazy for a week. Humans are not robots. I like Alexis's channel out of curiosity and the advice he gives about being with an avoidant. His advice has helped me tremendously about how to view an avoidant. I will say that in my case she began to see that I had boundaries and she began to respect them. I also did not feel obligated like so many people comment that I had to be clear all the time about them. She knows me really well now and knows that if she does certain avoidant strategies not to expect a positive response from me. I refuse to be my partners parent and kindergarten teacher. But like you said again, there always seems to be this atmoshere that she is afraid of being close to to me despite the fact that we are very close. I care but don't care. LOL @@gemmaburns6407
There is no point guys of hurting yourself more by being in the friend zone with a person who cannot feel safe in love, so as with vulnerability, togetherness and intimacy.
They need to fix their issues FIRST and then THEY ought to reach out to you or let them be gone.
You will not help them grow otherwise and understand where they are wrong and you will waste your precious time with someone who doesn't respect your love for them and doesn't respect you eventually.
Can u please put out some videos/self help for the AVOIDANT themselves.....so that they have their own tools!!
That's a great ask. 🎉
🙏 Well i feel that we are continually molding to suit & soothe them.....yet on these social media channels....there seems to be no or very little information for the avoidant to acknowledge/accept & do their work for change & happiness!
That is definitivly my Experience. I „heard somewhere“ when you get back with an Ex you should tell him your wants/not get into something causal. So after our first break-up I told him almost right before having Sex again that I can only have Sex with him again if there would be a relationship. He immediatly pulled away saying „I can’t give you that“ and caused another conflict. 😬😬😬
After the second brake-up we luckily naturally did it all right, not putting any pressure on us and tried really hard to „stay friends“ for about 8 weeks, which basically meant to try not to sleep together, but it never felt like a real friendship. Today I know that it wasn‘t easy for him as well not to be intimate.
So I am only listening to Alexis now when it comes to dealing with a DA 💚
I just did that in your first paragraph. Now I hear this way. It’s so hard. I’ve heard to like start all over again but this happened couple times. This time I told him what I want first. 😵💫 then now he just stepped away too
Dear Alexis, do the advice in your videos apply to situationships as well? We were in a 3-year situationship and I openly disclosed my feelings for him 6 months ago in an email upon my Jungian therapist's advice, I now realise the email contained at least 3 triggers. My DA went no contact for over a month after this, only to come to tell me in tears, shame and agony ,"he's not in love" (which I don't believe). I was calm&inderstanding&accepted his wish for "no contact for a while" and I'm really beginning to miss him now. (I'm DA leaning secure, I think, although according to my therapist I'm anxious but if I were, I couldn't have taken these 6 months so easily.) Can I contact him after almost 3 months? Or do you have other advice?
It would be great if you could do videos for situationships as well or say in your videos whether that particular advice applies to situationships as well.
A claimed dismissive avoidant making content here on yt pointed out how there is a huge difference between simply having an avoidant attachment and the abusive behaviors we typically associate with deactivating strategies.
For example an avoidant who is deactivating could tell you what is going on for them and excuse themselves from the relationship instead of stonewalling, lying, manipulating, etc. Abusive and narcissistic behaviors.
Should you first do no contact before asking? Bc my ex FA has deactivated.
Sorrz, not sure i asked correctly. So if the DA breaks up and you try to get him back, it´s wise to go from a relationship directy to a friendship or still go no contact for 6 weeks?
I could never be with her romantically again, but I would love to be friends with her…
What if he is in a rebound within 1 day bcos I didnt msg him 1st for fear & for a misunderstanding , rejection + loss pain & anger thinking I gave up, after he reached to me with regrer ,love after our 2nd breakup ?
We loved so deeply regardless our differences, FA push-pulls. My FA came back to me twice after painful breakups (space) within a month when he felt my absence , he didnt have a rebound those times. But now its 8 weeks for his rebound , is he still in relief stage? :(
Im in NC after explaining "Nothing happend as he assumed..etc" with love. He then realised he took a impulsive decision ,he removed the profiles wit girls & he responded so caringly ,open the door for me to msg mo anytime (he used to get angry when I msg in Sep) , but he is still silent (no chat /calls).
Now we dont have an opportunity to meet often, but he sees his rebound every week in his class (as I assume) .Will he miss me now too in my absence (my NC) & come back (if he has a sudden rebound)? :(
Could you do one about dependents?
Than you @alexis. my intuition and serendipitous plan are on these lines.
At 60 and no time for games: I have time, I have however run out of interesting people :)
If we can't be friends, we cant be in a relationship anyway
I am right bthere roght now and this re iterates my ideas. Long game
What if you break up with them? Are they inclined to be friends?
So my ex & I started talking again recently almost everyday, all day on some days, but he's in a relationship with someone right now. Our conversations start off harmless but lead to other things that it shouldn't lead to(on both our parts) & then he disappears. It's happened more than once since being with this other person. Says he think of me alot so I don't understand if he's thinking of me alot, talking to me on multiple occasions, says he wants to do things to me (explicit) but he has will power to control himself not to do it(which I wouldn't anyway when he's with someone), why is he with this other person?? We have such a strong connection & instantly start talking like we never stopped. No weird awkward moments. Then he stops talking to me after a few wks & just goes silent out of no where. Is he confused? Could he be trying to figure out if this girl is the one for him but gets side tracked bc he still has feelings for me? Or what?? I sent him a message the last time he disappeared a month ago & told him i can not talk to him again unless he's completely broken up with his girl bc it does nothing but end up hurting me especially bc he shuts down on me. Someone help? I'll take any advice or predictions to what others think is going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated bc I'm so confused over this.
Also I believe this relationship he is in is a rebound & it's Adlai extremely odd bc this person he's with, shares my first name. Ugh!! Like what?? Why?? 😢
tlynn609, Has it been better for you? I hope you are okay. IF he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, he would rather keep you at an arm's distance so that he can enjoy you when he is bored with the person he is with. Did he stop contacting you after you told him you can't talk to him? Next time, try not to tell him that (if you want him in your life). If he stopped contacting you, I hope you are doing alright.
Is this the same for FAs ?
are we talking here about after some time of no contact or right away? my avoidant ex wants to switch from the relationship to a friendship. should i first go no contact and then a friendship? he is a great person and i want him in my life
If you're ready to be just his friend then you can start the friendship stage. But if you still need to think about it, then go no contact till you're ready.
What does "onleaf" we get back together mean?
Only if I’m guessing
Two questions:
1. How do you make them feel safe?
2. What do you do when they started seeing(dating) other people? Do you have try to still be in their life, like as a friend? (that would hurt me way too much though, seeing him with other women.. 😓) But if I don't try to be in his life, I'm afraid that he will forget me somehow?
Ask yourself...Do you feel safe with them? Dont risk your sanity by thinking more about the other person while jepoardizing your own mental health.
Do you guys think you’ll just get friend zoned by the ex? I get male vs female may be different so if the ex is a guy
You don't mention the elephant in the room: sex. I am thinking most DAs would *love* a FWB relationship and prefer it over true intimacy. Can't imagine them hanging around with someone if sex isn't involved, though. 🤷♀️
He’s not a DA, he’s just using you for your hole. You are giving it out for free.
90% of guys would prefer to be able to hit you up, get that release and bounce. Stop being a free prostitute, at least have dignity like a professional prostitute and charge $300. Stop being a free hole for him.
There’s no link to book
Sorry! calendly.com/alexisfr/chatwithalexis
Oh yes! I need to do it ;)
I'd like to see the summary too