Can the Dismissive Avoidant Be "Just Friends" with Their Ex?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
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In this video, Thais Gibson shares with us the reasons why dismissive avoidant attachment styles (avoidant attachment style) can't be friends with their ex, and the execeptions of why they can. Watch now to find out what these exceptions are as Thais provides some insight and useful tips.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "The Dismissive Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied Relationship," as well as other attachment style dynamics for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:28 - What Is The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
00:01:22 - Dismissive Avoidant & The Phantom Ex
00:02:30 - Dismissive Avoidants Tend to Not Want To Be Friends
00:03:53 - Exception #1: If Long-Term Friends Before Dating
00:05:55 - Lifetime Promo
00:08:01 - Exception #2: A Long Pause Before Befriending
00:09:28 - Conclusion
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Have you ever been friends with an ex before? What are your thoughts on this topic?
I believe it is healthiest to cut ties and move on. I have zero interest in remaining friends with someone after being intimate with them. I'm always going to want more and they are going to want less, meaning we want different things so we aren't compatible as friends. Why would I want to remain with someone that didn't value me and hurt me? The mature thing to do is respect their wishes and move on. The skills one needs as a partner are the same one needs to be a friend and a decent person. I get it, I do my ex wanted the feelings minus the fears. Why would I continue to cater to my ex? Holding on to the past isn't healthy and it would be disrespectful to my future partner to have an ex around. Having an ex in the picture doesn't allow either to move on, it gives one false hope while the other jumps into the next relationship or distractions.
While i respect your beliefs and choices to do whatever you want, and probably are right about your ex as it is an individual experience i have no knowledge about, i do disagree with "The skills one needs as a partner are the same one needs to be a friend and a decent person." I think being a partner is 100x more demanding. People usually have higher expectations and desire for more time with you than a friendship. There is also sexual intimacy, usually monogamous, which adds a different feeling of connection altogether and sometimes complication because a lot of people have trauma around that. I agree that many exes would not make good friends though my ex is my best friend and we avoid false hope because we know eachother so well and can trust eachother v well when we have open communication that "there is NOooo way we would ever get back together ew" @@ImmortalChaos
@@ImmortalChaos Why would an ex have hurt you necessarily? You can split amicably with love.
@seweso Excluding the actual break up itself, there are many ways an ex could cause pain be it emotional, mental, or physical. While two people can split amicably with love and can transition into a friendship, that is not always the case.
It all depends what we consider as “being friends” and who is asking for it.
In some cases, family, professional or social ties make a certain degree of relationship necessary.
This relationship needs not be emotional, but only occasional polite interactions.
In the case of a DA I have noticed the hope of an availability for practical reasons that is destructive to the person being made available at the DA’s convenience.
Trying to maintain friendship was a no go. He wanted to keep the benefits of the relationship but with even more freedom and emotional distance.
Ding ding ding! It only benefits the guy in the end
@@mluna1898which guy?
The DA, whether male or female would ideally keep everyone at the convenient distance, in reserve for a rainy day. Obviously, this is most unhealthy for any person who is emotionally attached to them.
@@anewlifestirringthat helps me get over the breakup.
@@willygatesbenefits or more exactly just mere survival … exes need to be maintained as an insurance policy for the day when they are once again abandoned or successful in making themselves abandoned.
More times than not, from my experiences, exes want to remain friends shortly after breakups to alleviate the pain of loss and withdrawal. They often want affirmation from the one they’ve hurt. It’s somewhat cowardice and totally selfish. And it’s a case of having one’s cake and eating it too. For me, cold break ups are necessary to get over the person specially if they caused the break-up to begin with.
You are definitely right. My ex said she still saw a future with me but just needed time. Played the friends game for 4 months thinking we would work it out.
Speaking daily, she would come over 3 times a week.
Then I found out she was seeing someone from work the whole time and it started well we were together.
Cut her straight off after that 😢
@@nw7654It’s a form of primeval and psychological selfish manipulation. I usually call these exes out for playing that game. Breaking up is consequential; it’s not supposed to be easy specially for the one who dealt the breakup for selfish reasons.
Agree. They made the decision to leave you, so they need to deal with consequences.
The DA I dated wanted to remain friends but I chose not to. Moving on is the best move.
With what she was saying, that doesn't so very DA to me.
Same here mine actually got angry when I said no I didn’t want to be friends 🤦♀️
Same. He likes to remain friends with all his exes tho. Surely a motive.
I accepted one and rejected one the one rejected am glad I did. The one i accepted was a regret i eventually had. F DA's
So natural to expect all the advantages and none of the caveats and responsibilities in a relationship, but so inhuman. Adult human relationships are based on long term reciprocity, collaboration and cooperation and not on cherry picking and mere expectations.
I think being friends with an ex is one of the worst things you can do. It causes all kinds of problems. Not so much with friendship but when one or the other gets in relationship with someone else.
Absolutely. You will wonder why your "friend" isn't calling you as much (if at all) and when you DO find out that they have a new partner, it is going to trigger you. It is very difficult to be a TRUE friend to an Ex that you were in love with.
The first time my DA ex-husband tried to leave, he floated the idea of staying friends after we divorced. I said no way. I'm not friendly with any ex-- I want to be open to a new romantic partner who *does* love and appreciate me, why would I keep hanging around the guy that dumped me??
DA wanted to be friends. Now she’s talking about she kinda miss me. She also said I was treating her differently now. She only said that because I’m not treating her like we are in a relationship and have moved on. I’m not giving relationship energy to a friendship. That makes no sense. I couldn’t even take her seriously when she said she missed me because I can’t believe anything she says. It’s like she wants me to stick around and cater to her needs but doesn’t want to be with me.
Thank you once again for the wealth of this helpful outlook.
In my experience, the DA is unable to establish an exclusive long term relationship with only one real person, accepting all his or her qualities and misgivings, adapting to them and contributing to compensate them, and prefers to establish a variety of relationships from which he/she can eclectically reach his/her needs.
This amounts to being in control, providing for his/her needs and rejecting responsibility, as would a child or a person who has chosen not to choose as in the Peter Pan syndrome.
They badly need to have a friend at the right distance, available as a spare tyre in case of an incident.
We have entered a metamorphosis of family structures over the last century and a half.
We have to reinvent the family unit and all this exciting but painful experimentation you are describing is part of our reconstruction efforts towards a new civilisation.
This said, as you rightly point bout in a short “no” a person who has long term needs and aims definitely needs to keep the right emotional and physical distance from this addictive and destructive experience of being alternatively incorporated and rejected.
So it’s a no for me 🤣🤣🤣! He abruptly broke up via text during a trying time then said we could be friends then literally stayed away from seeing me. At the beginning of My FA recovery journey I tried, but those patterns of disappearing kept on. You have to lat out clear boundaries and needs from your story see what they need (if they are willing). If there is no movement, just let it be.
You need to heal. Again, no movement after doing your part in a healthy way, don’t believe them. They may mean well, but it will keep you in the cycle. When you start to heal your core wounds, things get easier. I say this one year later after being at a low point, doing the work, exploring friendship, and seeing his patterns continue. He knows what I need from people in my life and is welcome to touchbase when he can show up healthier and practicing. No blaming me for my reactions of wanting to be done while not starting with himself.
It gets better with or without them, and I’m with Thais on these exceptions. Don’t prevent yourself from progressing by maintaining toxic behaviors.
My ex DA wanted to be friends with benefits ... after we tried to build a family together. Rubbing salt into the wounds he caused. The disrespect 😤
I wouldn't want to be friends with my DA if we break up.
I cannot see how I could ever introduce him as a friend to a future partner. Those two will hate each other from the get-go because they understand simply from meeting each other that there is history. I don't think my DA is capable of decompartmentalizing and fully processing his romantic feelings towards me in a friendship. Regardless if jealousy is supressed, he does feel jealousy about the idea of another man.
I also don't want to downgrade the connection to a friendship. We were romantic, and I don't stay friends with any of my ex's.
I dated a DA for 8 months. It was a beautiful time ( long distance relationship, with great, intense weekends), and then he broke up out of nowhere. 3 weeks later I asked him, if he wanted to talk? We talked for 4 hours. I really don’t know what that means. He was open and vulnerable… I try to keep an emotional distance. Better for my peace.
I was there, same situation. He wasted almost 3 years of my life, the beginning was wonderful but as soon as the relatioship began to grow deeper and serious it's when my nightmare began. We even had plans of marrying and living together and it seemed to be moving to that direction until he did what every single avoidant does, ghost, hurt you and try to come back. I was so incredibly hurt and tired of so the disrespect, hot and cold, ex being around despite having talked about boundaries, "friends", broken promises big ones and small ones and him chicken out twice of coming to me I decided to finally leave and move on, I deserve better and true love and you deserve it as well. I don't mean to sound harsh or rude but darling, you won't be the exception either. I wish I had someone tell me this when he began showing those early signs. Don't invest any more time, feelings and energy in situations like that. I do really believe long distance relationships are possible but not with a DA, majority can't have a healthy relatioship with a DA living in the same country much less living in different ones or too far away from each other, sad but true.
This is extremely helpful and extremely relevant to my experience, having recently gone through a really heartbreaking breakup with my dismissive avoidant ex. We broke up back in May, but have been "hanging out" over the last few months. (not having sex) And he wants us to remain "Best Friends" forever. But doesn't want to be in a romantic / sexual relationship with me. This has been excruciatingly painful for me. I've decided to go No Contact with him in the last week, after several weeks of spending no time together. It's been really hard. I don't know how long I will need to remain distant from him, in order to get to the point where we can "be best friends" again. He's the closest person in my life and indeed, he is my best friend. But I want my best friend to be my partner and romantic relationship, and I don't want to continue having my heart raked over the coals.
Sounds like a nightmare 😢
He’s being extremely selfish. Look out for yourself, is this is not what you want you have to cut ties. Because they will not (they’re getting wat they want). Stay strong
I definitely can relate to your situation. My LDR DA ex broke up with last year, and after my first 30 day NC period, i was able to be friends, but nothing more. There was no movement since she rebounded into a long-term relationship. after my second 60 day NC period, was able to be friends again, but she was very reluctant in seeing me. She would talk and text with me daily, while still being in her new relationship. Eventually she agreed to see me for a week of a vacation with her family. While she could maintain "being friends", i informed her that i wont' be friends after the new year, because it was too painful for me. I set a deadline. A month later the flood gates opened, and she left her rebound relationship, and we starting a new one, she is moving here with me. Engagement and marriage is back on. Although we talking the romance slowly.
Keep improving on your communications skills and find ways to become secure. He needs to feel the pain of your loss for a while. definitely set a deadline and be open with him about it. DA respond better to a deadline than an ultimatum, so be careful how treat it, there is a fine line. You realize you are secure when you mean what you say. Having the power to tell him you will be out of his life forever and mean it, is strength. He will either change his behavior because his feelings for you, is greater than his fears....or you will realize his fears are too strong to change his mind. Best of luck.
Is there a chance that the DA could still be in love with her but scared of committing? or do they really just lose feelings@@spicyjalapeno216
@spicyjalapeno216 this is so awesome! I know not easy but I'm happy for you.
In my experience with being friends with an avoidant ex is that nothing will change. I feel like they do this to feel better about themselves. My DA ex told me they couldnt imagine not having me in their life, but then it was the same as to when they were cold and dissmissive in the end. Im not sad about this anymore, but it did hurt me while it was happening until i gained my selfworth again. Do not recommand, dont stay friends with them.
I agree that they do this to avoid their own guilt. Nothing changes. Same ole stonewalling and in and out.
I am FA in romantic relationships but discovered I am strongly DA leaning, DA in friendships and family relationships. I am best friends with my ex! It is as Thais mentioned, a comforting relationship because we know eachother so well and I haven't got many close friends like that after my childhood friends treated me poorly a few years ago, and while I am trying to learn how to make more friends, I don't find it easy to get close to new people. It's frustrating knowing that it will probably make a future partner suspicious/make dating harder but if i find someone right for me they will know they can trust me. I would never ever cheat, it is incredibly cruel imo, i have strong values and I have never cheated though I have been cheated on. In addition, I have zero attraction to my ex now, the romantic relationship was full of turmoil and we feel like family so it almost seems gross. Also, i think it's unfair the way as a society we undervalue friendship so much that there is an expectation that we would just ditch friends for lovers. I wouldn't want someone to treat me like that.
My current DA bf feels this way too.
I've met his ex numerous times and even exchanged phone numbers.
I don't have a problem with it for several reasons:
1. I trust him. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be with him.
2. He literally tells me EVERYTHING. He is completely transparent and honest.
3. He doesn't have many friends and no family in the same continent. She is more like a sister to him and he isn't sexually attracted to her nor are they sexually compatible.
4. She has a boyfriend and lives far.
5. They have healthy boundaries towards each other. She has boundaries that keeps her current bf happy. My bf also has healthy boundaries where I'm not concerned about their friendship.
I'm happy for you both! I also find transparency helps a lot for being able to trust someone because you know if there was something wrong they would be comfortable communicating that with you. Also feel relieved to know there are people in successful relationships like this @@untamedwildhorse
Fascinating, some bells may be ringing.
Where do you store all of this in your brain.
Thank you!❤
This was an interesting video! I learned something new for sure!
This is super educational and helpful, Thais!! A girl I know has exhibited alot of these traits (she always avoids anything of conflict & takes the easy route of "tell me what to do and I'll do it", she finds comfort in partners who are much older (closer to her parents age) but also sounds non-commital to them, highly unpredictable/can't ever make her mind up, etc...After many months passing of not seeing her in person, I'd learnt she had a new boyfriend and I knew that I had to just be open and honest to tell her I liked her (She said she kinda knew I did months ago). I just wanted an open conversation with her as her answers always conflict with her actions (telling me she can't talk to me knowing this and she's in a relationship but she'd been reaching out to me to start a conversation for the last few weeks and started chasing me to respond/talk to her). All the way throughout, I could tell she didn't want to open up (her reaction to me telling her I liked her always seemed 'non-comittal' to either 'I don't like you that way' or a 'yes' and instead skirted around it). I guess I made it easy for her when I told her that during no-contact, I missed her as my friend more than anything and that made her happy that we could still maintain a friendship - now was that her honest feeling, I do not know for sure. I get the feeling a DA needs time to reflect and think through anything as fear grips them first and foremost?
My ex DA is friends with many of his exes. He calls them his female friends . Huge red flag ........run for the hills!
Sorry but when a DA treats you in a way that is hurtful, intentional or not, you really have to see they're not all that and a bag of chips - to use an expression - so really focus on self-respect and self-love and remove them from your world
Would you please ,explain in more detail how or why you would lose self-respect?
@@nitacollins3645 Surely. When you stay in a situation, no matter of what kind, where someone has hurt you, or a situation was hurtful for you, such as a partner taking away your agency in a relationship, who picked up and left and said goodbye without discussing with you, without including you, and you either ignore that fact, or stuff it away, or by not living in the reality of what happened to you - you have the trauma happen but then you don't tend to yourself. When you do this to yourself, you are saying to your insides, to that inner you, the inner child if you will, that they don't matter, the heart and soul of you - well you're not gonna take care of, and you're going to continue to have that inner heart and soul hurt without taking matters into your own hands and righting that wrong. You must be just as good to yourself as you are to others. You can't ignore your own needs and then wonder why you're not healthy and whole. You must honor and protect the inner you, the heart and soul of you, and yes, then you will have gained self-respect for yourself first. I would put out there as a theory that people who abandoned themselves, without really knowing how they've done that, be it from childhood trauma or whatever trauma they experienced, won't automatically know how to give themselves respect. I think self-abandonment and lack of self-respect go hand in hand. So I would say the first step is to look inside at the hurting you and say to yourself from your adult standpoint - "I'm here now, I'm here to protect you, and I will protect you." I recommend a wonderful book by Pete Walker called, "Complex PTSD, from Surviving to Thriving."
@@chiaraA. my DA partner is autistic and so I try to take under consideration he may not choose to do the harmful things. Ive put in distance to protect myself but I feel safe at this point to still engage as friends. i do abandon myself though always feeling Im stronger and more able than most to take humility.
@@nitacollins3645 DAs want to engage you as friends after they break up with you. I'll just be direct. I don't see the benefit to you if you're looking for an actual romantic partner because it keeps you invested emotionally in the current situation which isn't serving you or nourishing you because it keeps you from fully closing the door and moving on - it's a way for you to postpone living life and getting what you want in life. Only you can take care of you inside. Go do it and don't worry about another person's wellbeing while you're ignoring you own - it's just wasting your own life to ignore yourself
@@chiaraA. I dont want him as a romantic partner since he gives the minimum and Ive already replaced him with a man who is generous and loving. But I feel very sad that hes a good guy just does this very i hate you dont leave me stuff. I gave him the ultimatum of therapy and thats how we broke up.
Is there a relationship between financial stability of the DA and the being willing to work out things with you.
Yes! My DA bounced after he brought his mother over from her home country and she became his responsibility/liability. Thank God this happened before we had children 🥲
Mine had zero interest in remaining friends which makes things awkward since we have friends in common. It seems like he wanted to cut all ties so that they didn't have to ever think about me again.
I wanted to add my ex also kept friendships with ex girlfriends and it wasn’t ok with me. He lied and told me he never stayed friends with ex’s, then I found out he was texting at least 2 of them. Then add the ex wife (who I could not object to because they have kids together), but then clues made me see he was going on trips with ex wife bc of “ the kids” . Such a turnff
Does this mean he still had feelings for them?
@@Sandra-bk9cs Only they can answer that question. If your partner and an ex go on trips because they have kids together and the kids are grown, but you as the partner are not included, I would guess yes. I didn’t stick around to find out. I wasn’t comfortable.
I cannot and will not allow myself to be victimized anymore... he wanted to give me the boyfriend experience but say we were only friends that it's not like we were together it hurts so bad to even think about it 3 and a half years I have waited for this person I am absolutely crushed after all of this I need to heal I really hope he does not knock on my door again
I didn’t see her for 2 months. Her choice. Always shutting down. Saw her New Years Day. Held hands on the bed watching a movie. Went to dinner. Kiss goodbye. I was very happy. Next day was great. Then she had therapy and did the same thing she’s done 12x last year. Said this friendship isn’t working sorry if I confused you. At times it feels bipolar but she isn’t. I said I don’t hold hands with my friends or kiss them.
They don't care for a friendship they couldn't treat you with respect n love in a relationship, mine Run n sabotaged it for no reason left me broken hearted, blocked me to then go play with a new toddler. Only to come back 2 weeks later saying I love you. Wtf thereafter she said we can be friends 😢 I noticed this push pull cycle n how I was being treated as an option isn't what I deserve. She told me in the end I need to move on. She wants to move on to n focus on her n her daughter. Just excuses, I've tried my best to resolve n keep connected, i just got met with IM DONE WITH YOU! Then blocked
What if the DA says "She is and was always just a friend, there has never been anything romantic between us" and constantly denies the criticism around this point despite your greatest attempts to draw clear boundaries there, but you feel strongly that there is something odd in all of their interaction, her attitude towards you and you also feel very uncomfortable with his treatment of you against or in front of her? Would that mean that they were "surely" a couple once and try to stay as friends now, and he tries so hard to hide this fact from you not to cause any troubles and to avoid dealing with conflict as the DAs always do?
I have never remained friends with an ex. To me, an ex is an ex for a reason. I can be cordial and civil, but not friendly. One exception was my ex-husband, because we co-parented.....I don't want an ex around as a friend when I decide to get into a new relationship. I don't know any man who would like that either. My ex FA wanted to become my friend, business as usual, when he dumped me for another. Nope. 'Bye, Boo.
They thought process is unbelievable. Breaks my heart too because the intelligence on the DA is seriously attractive, what actually attracted me to begin with, but yet as dumb as one can possibly be. The lack of self worth is heartbreaking
No!
DA here. Absolutely not to being friends with exes, and have never had a phantom ex.
They like Nostalgia instead
Interesting, because not only was my DA ex friends with their ex from a decade ago that now lives in a different area of the country, when they broke up with me, they also asked to remain friends if that was something I desired in future, so they seem to have a pattern of staying friends with their exes. In my case, though, we got to know each other over several months online during the pandemic before meeting in person, so I guess that would technically constitute friendship before dating for several years. We are also part of the LGBTQ+
community, and LGBTQ+ folks are more likely to be friends with an ex due to being a marginalized community.
Let's talk about this refusal to define relationships when you're a DA, so the partner ends up leaving. Or topics on DAs stalking their exes, and their use of antidepressants to recover from heartbreak. Reaching out to exes after a year with an indirect message to "say goodbye" or that they're moving. Or a video on right time for marriage/kids vs exes it would've worked with.
Thais, can you make a video about why would a DA ex reach out shortly after a breakup?
Me and my DA ex got on so well the 3months we were together. No arguments,Only laughs. When she ended it after her close friend died, i was heartbroken. Im good now and i just miss the company and the laughs. We were great for each others and I still want her friendship. As we only went out for a short time, I think this is possible. Im gonna write her a letter saying this. Im 56,.shes 59
Was in a 3 year relationship with a DA, the last year of the relationship we were basically just "friends" because she was very avoidant with affection because she said she lost the "spark", which must mean she isn't "in love" with me. When we broke up she said we had a connection, and was sobbing over the idea of not having me in her life. It's been a couple of months and sadly she is even more present now as "my friend" than she was in the relationship, and her attitude is much "lighter". It's like she wanted all the benefits of having me emotionally without the commitment. She still doesnt want to be romantic or do anything sexual, but lost on the whole thing and if this will ever change.
Do DA/FA keep stuff that belongs to their past dating partners so they can pretend to still be together or so they have a reason to reach back out in the future?
As a DA, I don't ever want to go back to my ex. Especially if they walked away. Ever. If you weren't willing to work it out while we were together, there's no point for a connection to remain after.✌🏽
This makes me very sad
What about the DA who had short term friends with benefits, can they remain friends?
Can you talk about how to approach an Avoidant when they lie? I often avoided confronting my ex DA because he would say that I do not trust and I never will change. I am FA. One time I confronted him because he lied and told me he was taking a trip for an AA Retreat which I understood but did not feel comfortable about. Found out months later from him ( because he forgot his lie) , he went to visit an ex. Another time,he told me he didn’t keep in contact with an ex, yet I accidentally was sent a text that was meant for an ex he was still friends with and confronted him. His response was he stays friends but doesn’t want her at all, I needed to learn to trust because why would he lie? If he wanted her, he would have stayed with her. Please explain that phantom and lie mixed together
My ex-fiancé, a DA, lied often. I usually didn't confront him, and when I did, it caused conflict. That and the gaslighting keep you in a permanent state of confusion and never knowing what's real and what's imagined. It will affect not only yourself, but your life, when you learn not to believe in your own perceptions. Once the relationship ends, you have to rebuild the trust in yourself that was destroyed by the toxic relationship.
@@ds37215 thank you so much for your response! So good to know I’m not alone and the doubt I kept having in myself and the trust I eventually abandoned in myself wasn’t all me. I’m learning now and working at it.
Run, run far away from this person.. You caught them in a lie (and a big one!) and they have the nerve to try and put it on you and say you "need to trust" them.. Wow.. That's the opposite of what you need to do. Trust in earnt. Don't be manipulated by this person 💛
@@amyharr2447 I have been gone and in no contact for 8 months and counting. Not looking back and you are right, the nerve of his talk of trust got me so messed up. Luckily I realized it after the break up how toxic it all was .
I definitely disagree with this 100% and I get that it's not like a blanket statement but I'm definitely friends with a lot of my exes and have absolutely no pining feelings for them I'm perfectly fine to let them be exes and I'm one of the most dismissive avoidant people that I know
My DA broke up with me after argument, i think I triggered so many things and they thought relationship was doing then more bad then good. And now they don't want a relationship throughtout the college and focus on themselves. They want to stay friends with me and keep the comnection, but they don't want relationship. They also say they've lost feelings. I want them back. What do I do?
My ex says they don't wanna try again, that it won't work out. Will NC bring them back?
My Friend…I just went through a number of marriage separations with a 18 year wife. We are currently sharing house but she sleeps in another room and cringes when she thinks I approaching her for a hug or a peck of a kiss and always turns her head away to prevent the small peck kiss. Right now she wants to be friends but it seems that she wants the comfort I continually offer on a regular basis. I See and realize soo much more now and quickly working my way back to My Original “Secure Attachment Style “ . Understand that we are not the problem and never was no matter what Flaws they describe you have…another ramp up for distancing herself again and working away from home for long periods of time to not spend time with me. She now makes plans and do not inform me about her thoughts or include me like a vacation she just booked with another female friend to go on a cruise next spring for 3 weeks…the List goes on as I know they do for you aswell…when she or he tells you that they checked out years ago …Believe Them…We Must Also Realize That there are Beautiful people out there just for Us and is Exactly who they were looking for all their life…Time always Heals “ALWAYS”…Bless you and others in our Same Patterned Marriage or Relations
Lol, men and women can't be friends. One of the two will always want something more. On the cases of ex's, that's a HARD no from me. Someone that wants to be "friends" with an ex? That is setting yourself up for heartbreak and you should see that coming a mile away. DA's are self serving and they WILL be unfaithful if they are mad at you or think another situation would benefit them more. If you're with a DA, trust me when I say, take your first opportunity to leave. It's only a matter of time before you uncover a graveyard full of skeletons....
Oh BS! Not every DA is going to go cheat on you. I hope you do your own work around this. For everyone's sake.
Would you say that people who dont want to be friends with ex's are DA's?
I would love to hear/read experiences from people who are polyamorous and/or practice relationship anarchy. As well as from queer people. I feel like a lot of (if not most/all of) the “data” that these theories/ tendencies/trends in behavior stems from heterosexual monogamous relationships and are therefore not as „universal“ to most people with those attachment styles, but also very dependent on the specific socio-cultural norms and contexts. Just some loose thoughts that I’d be really interested to hear other peoples experiences/ideas on
I’m not Polly, but I am part of the queer community, and I commented on this in a separate comment on this video. I think as queer folks, we are more likely to remain friends with an ex because we are marginalized. I think Thais may have briefly touched on this in another video, but I do wish it was talked about more. Also, when they post those videos about how the different genders express their attachment, I feel like this completely ignores trans & non-binary folks. I imagine they’re probably isn’t enough data on how attachment is expressed for those who identify under the trans+ umbrella, though, so I just watch everything since many folks near and dear to my heart have been trans, including my ex.
People are polyamorous because they are DAs. They usually choose APs or FAs who lean anxious with them as the primary partner, as that person provides what the DA wants but is unable to give back. The primary partner is trauma bonded to the DA and goes along with the polyamory because it's the only way to have the DA. Polyamory allows DAs to get personal relationship needs filled while avoiding the intimacy, vulnerability, interdependence, time commitment and commitment that scares and triggers them. If they need to pull back energy from one place due to the intensity, they can still get needs met from multiple other sources.
@@ds37215 not all are DAs, I asked about ENM in one of the attachment groups I’m in, and one person was a recovered FA now earned secure, but that being said, as an FA leaning AA myself, I prefer monogamy, as I think EMN would throw me into my anxious side, although I did consider if it was something I could make work with my DA ex who is open to monogamy or polyamory, despite them once agreeing that it adds a layer of complexity to relationships. I suspect that many ENM folks lean avoidant in some way whether it be DA or FA leaning DA, but also mixed in are some secure folks.
I also wonder if there is a connection between being on the ASD spectrum, mainly ASD 1 , and polyamory.
@@ds37215 I’m not saying that what you’re describing never happens, and it’s probably not even all thaaaat uncommon. But I think your take is not only extremely oversimplified, but also seems like it’s rooted in either personal pain/trauma and/or prejudice. Non-monogamous/polyamorous relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, as do humans. I also think it’s not very helpful to diagnose other people based on the style of relationships they choose works best for them. In general I think any time we try to explain the extremely complex experience of being a human and any choices people make on just one thing, e.g. their attachment style, we’re not really trying to understand/heal/grow/connect, rather than judge/project/defend. Which, hey. I get it! Being a human in relationship is hard. And people are in pain and their pain comes out in all kinds of ways. But if we approach each other in such a way, that’s inevitably gonna lead to more pain and frustration imo
My DA was with his ex for 2.5 years and it ended 2 years ago but they were friends for 10 years prior to dating. He says the text about once a month, should I be concerned? is texting once a month a lot?
Yes
@@emangrabogadi1051 care to elaborate?
No! It's not a lot at all. That's nothing.
DA I recently encountered was married for 12 years, divorced for two. Still and will always be "friends with ex " then surprise! Oh by the way they still regularly sleep together snd still supports financially in more ways then one on a regular basis. Easily tries to convince "we're done done been divorced for two years" 🤔
Acts like it's a super normal thing on top of it all. While even on top of that both are sleeping with multiple people as well.
This must not apply to the extroverted gregarious flavor. I always want to be friends with exes. I just redcheck marked you but liked things about you, best type of friend to me. My experience never want to be friends with me though. 😂
As a DA myself, I can attest to having lifelong friends. However, I'm also a social butterfly, so I'm also constantly making new friends as well. It's still interesting that all this talk about phantom exes, not wanting contact, and all this space is a thing with classic DAs, as I HAVE never and WILL never utilize these behaviors. I face everything head on, fear or not.
As for being friends with exes, I MOSTLY agree. While I've always preferred to be cordial with my exes as I value what I've experienced from ALL my relationships, most didn't want to remain cordial simply because they felt as though I broke their hearts (which wasn't true). I've never had an ex I regretted leaving, but also never had an ex do anything viscious like cheat on me that I'm aware of (although there was an ex who tried to get her friends to jump me). I just always figured that unless there was a HUGE betrayal within the relationship, there was no reason to pretend the other person no longer exists. 🤷🏿♂️
You did broke their hearts tho. How do I know? Because they said so and you don't get to decide if they're heartbroken or not.
I didn't cheat lie shout, touch any betrayal whatsoever things were Perfect the first few months. Soon as I spoke about what I feel I need in the relationship she got high rate said it over were not getting back together. I can't go though this again pick pick pick. Then blocked. Out of nowhere. She tried to focus on soneomeone else in that time. but decided to unblock me n say I love you always will. (Think it was a breadcrum) just so I'd go fetch my stuff) So when I did go down, everything that could go wrong did go wrong she tried kicking me out the house in the middle of the night. Then a few days later saying we can be friends 😂😂 are you delulu I wanted a intimate connection n I got left. When she goes to talk to other guys. I didn't know how she felt as she never speaks about her feelings. Got to the point she said move on I'm done with you 😢
I am really similar. I don't have phantom exes but I try to appreciate people while still understanding why things didn't work, and I hope to watch positive growth happen in my past partners and root for them to have good things in their life. Sometimes it's appropriate to be close to them, sometimes they don't want to because they're too hurt to see me happy with someone else without getting jealous and that's OK and totally understandable. I think that's the secure side of me that behaves this way, not the DA side of me.
@StartingOverSingleAgain technically someone being heartbroken is a little different from it being all the other persons fault that they are heartbroken simply for leaving when it wasn't working. It would behoove OP's ex to look inward and take accountability for their own feelings but everyone heals on their own schedule.
@@OregonSingles breaking up with someone because incompatibility is not a heartbreak. Unless you did something that betrayed their trust, it just means it wasn't meant to be. Feeling heartbroken over a breakup that never had any betrayal of trust is nothing short of weakness. If you can't handle it, you shouldn't be in a relationship as it can happen at any time. 🤷🏿♂️