Summary. You become a super communicator by knowing which conversation you are in. There're 3 types of conversations: 1. Practical: What is this really about? How can I help? 2. Emotional: How do you feel 3. Social: Who are we. All of you must be either on 1, 2, or 3 to communicate well. If one is on 2 while another is on 3, it will cause conflicts. With practical, you offer help. With emotional, you listen and reciprocate emotional. With social, you reciprocate vulnerability. And that's how you become a super communicator.
The last time I cried in front of others was a few days ago in front of my young elementary school students. On this day, a gift which was given to a child by his dad was stolen. I talked to the kids and while I was talking about how sad I would be if someone would steal the gift that my dad gave me because my dad passed away very long time ago and I will never get any gift from him again. I don't know why but it got me so emotional and I had to cry. ... the next day, a little boy came to me and gave me a chestnut as a gift, which he found on the playground at school. He smiled when he saw me and said " Hello Binh, I have something for you. I found this chestnut while playing outside. I really want you to get it as a gift". I was so surprised and touched. He made my day ❤
When was the last time you cried in front of someone? The last time I cried in front of someone was two weeks ago, in front of my wife. I had a terrible day of depression. Everything seemed so messed up. I've been unemployed for five months now, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I feel useless, I don't have a clue about my purpose. I keep going, though. I do art, I write, I act, I'm studying, doing interviews for new roles. But that day I felt so distant from everything, from everyone. We never really win against depression or anxiety; it's a never-ending battle. But I'm happy to say that even if most of the time is filled with desperation, the short, wonderful times of love, enlightenment, and care are the best times and make it worthwhile.
The last time I cried was today, in Walmart, among complete strangers. My cashier and the lady behind me were kind when I blurted out something that was bothering me and I cried.
My first thought was, I don't remember. Probably last year when my Dad died. I think I cried for a brief moment in front of one of my brothers. I'm not sure I actually did, though. I just don't remember.
- When did you cry in front of someone ? - A discussion is multiple conversations. Successful communication requires us to recognize what kind of communication is happening and matching them. - Ask deep questions: something which invites us to talk about values etc. Ask about how they feel about their life - Vulnerability is the key to allowing us to connect with other people. - If something happens to you again and again, then maybe the problem is with you. Ask the deep questions. Emotional conversations ( How do we feel ).
I think he's actually saying this--try to ask deep questions to figure out what kind of conversation you're having (practical, emotional, or social). His point is that both people must be having the same conversation to communicate effectively as shown by the research. The emotional conversations will likely result in the strongest connection with someone because that's usually where vulnerability happens.
Edifying indeed, Mr. Charls made it super easy to comprehend. It resonates where people don't just communicate, but they connect. Where the sense of being human is kept in the first place, then all the hectic logos of life. Indeed, it's spot on.
"Time is the backdrop of our lives and the very fabric of the cosmos. Depending on whom you ask, time is money, time is love, time is work, time is play, time is enjoying friends, time is raising children, and time is much more. Time is what you make of it. The greatest gift that you can give to others and to yourself is time. Embrace the gift of time whether you give it or receive it. Our time is brief, and it will pass no matter what we do. So let us have purpose in spending it. Let us spend it so that our time matters to each of us, and matters to all those whose lives we touch." Philip Zimbardo
@@janetslicer3637 You're certainly welcome Janet, and thank you for expressing your gratitude. 🤗🥰 "One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often. To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness Happiness does not exclude sadness - if a person responds to life, he's sometimes happy and sometimes sad. What matters is he responds. Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towards themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others. Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others. To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values. What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other --- but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness --- of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him.” Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving "Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. The present day shows with appalling clarity how little able people are to let the other man’s argument count, although this capacity is a fundamental and indispensable condition for any human community. Everyone who proposes to come to terms with himself must reckon with this basic problem. For, to the degree that he does not admit the validity of the other person, he denies the “other” within himself the right to exist-and vice versa. The capacity for inner dialogue is a touchstone for outer objectivity.” C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung “It is interesting that for Plato, and for most Platonists, an altruistic individualism cannot exist. According to Plato, the only alternative to collectivism is egoism; he simply identifies all altruism with collectivism, and all individualism with egoism. This is not a matter of terminology, of mere words, for instead of four possibilities, Plato recognized only two. This has created considerable confusion in speculation on ehtical matters, even down to our own day. Plato’s identification of individualism with egoism furnishes him with a powerful weapon for his defence of collectivism as well as for his attack upon individualism. In defending collectivism, he can appeal to our humanitarian feeling of unselfishness; in his attack, he can brand all individualists as selfish, as incapable of devotion to anything but themselves. This attack, although aimed by Plato against individualism in our sense, i.e. against the rights of human individuals, reaches of course only a very different target, egoism. But this difference is constantly ignored by Plato and by most Platonists... Individualism was part of the old intuitive idea of justice. That justice is not, as Plato would have it, the health and harmony of the state, but rather a certain way of treating individuals, is emphasized by Aristotle, when he says, ‘justice is something that pertains to persons.” Karl Popper "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Jack Kornfield
@@chuckheppner4384 What can I say? I am overwhelmed with the quotes Chuck. I can't even say I understand them all. But then again, I am a bit detached from everyday life. I am still trying to understand my husband's suicide two and a half years ago. The other day I had to put my dog down. Hence my first comment to you. We just never know what cards will be dealt to us. Live and learn. Best wishes. ♥️☘️
Time is the only resource. 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (series)
I love this! Yesterday, I realized I was having conversations with my daughter that were not promising for us to have more. How wonderful I allow myself to listen to this one! Thank you, Charles Duhigg!
When a family member complains about something or shares their challenges, my most natural instinct would try to fix it by offering a solution (because this is something I would seek if the roles were reversed). This conversation would always end unfruitful, leaving both of us disappointed. Now I would simply enquire if they are seeking any resolution. And I also know that this particular individual seeks to share their problems instead of accepting or seeking resolution. It is hard but it is what it is.
Fantastic and insightful talk! In the age of Digital-Everything taking over our lives and communication it’s critical we remember how to relate to people, especially those with opposing opinions.
This shows Charles Duhigg is a man overwhelmingly deserving of his Pulitzer Award. Not only is he a great teacher of anything he researches. But is able to inform us on great and practical information. I love all of his reporting.
yesterday I learned that adding your own experience to the dialogue is "conversational narcissism". Glad to hear that there are concepts in which a good communicator can be more than an emotional dumpster or therapist
Exactly. The "Me too" words mentioned after sharing an experience rounds about the conversation to ourselves that makes the other person uncomfortable. He has opened up to completely shed his mind. Narcissistic conversation blocks the conversation in most cases.
@@marcelkamiraWell, I meant..when someone shares his experience or pain, instead of paying attention we say 'yeah I've had a similar experience, yes me too..yes my office too..always me me me..bringing the conversation back to us. The other guy loses interest in this narcissistic talk. Asking deep questions about them is good, but sharing your deep experience immediately blocks their flow. Next time they won't share.
@@marcelkamira Patiently listen. Let him finish. That's the purpose the other person shares. If at all he needs to listen to ur side of story or a suggestion to his problem, he will ask. Until then, listening is best. The world has no listeners these days.
This was super insightful! Asking deep questions brings about a strong level of connection between you and the individual(s) you are communicating with. Thank you so much for sharing.
I still remember , I am angry at my wife and we had conversation. But at that moment I just need a hug. She was asking practical questions what happened in your office etc. Sometimes Conversations at same level is very important. I understood now.
3:50 i run an animal rescue in a village and we live on a farm and boundaries sometimes get blurred between personal and professional, and I've been doing exactly that ... asking people if they just want to talk, or are looking for solution and are they coming to me as a boss or an elder brother of sorts. I wasn't sure if what i was doing was "okay" as most people dont usually ask and seem to figure things out, but i dont like assuming. So, this wss good to know!
7:55 for a moment I thought he was going to say: “… and the dr asked him this question: when was the last time you cried in front of someone? …” (phew!) 😅
Dramatically better conversations are grounded in neuroscience, where active listening, empathy, and strategic use of language stimulate the brain’s reward centers, creating a sense of connection and trust. Understanding the science of conversation means recognizing how tone, body language, and word choice influence not just how we are understood, but how we make others feel leading to more meaningful and productive exchanges. How can we leverage insights from neuroscience and psychology to consistently foster deeper, more impactful conversations, especially in high-stakes or emotionally charged situations?
Wouldn't it be a bit awkward to ask, 'When was the last time you cried in front of someone?' I mean, it's not exactly small talk at a party! But hey, he's trying to dive into the deep end of the conversation pool. Successful conversations are like dance moves-you gotta match the rhythm. If it's practical, you want useful advice; if it's emotional, you offer a shoulder; and if it's social, just nod and smile like you’re paying attention. Easy, right? Nope! But these deep questions help us open up and connect. Instead of asking 'Where do you work?' try 'What do you love about your job?' It's like skipping the small talk and jumping straight to the good stuff-no awkward icebreakers required!
The issue with this theory is that it only works if the family and society aren’t hostile to their unique personality, but that apparently isn’t very natural because we see that hostility across all cultures and throughout all time.
If you are looking for the actual point it is at 4:46. His examples do not support the title. Most people would find it rude if a stranger started drilling them the way he suggests.
My experience is that most people are very willing to talk about themselves with a stranger. We all have a lot of common ground, it's just a matter of finding it.
Be prepared to get really confused looks and most of the time people can not even answer these questions since they are not used to talk like this anymore. Especially if you talk to strangers. When this happens, you can offer to answer the question first so they can become more comfortable around you and understand what amount of information is safe to share.
This whole concept is the watered-down version of the four sides model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun and the Socratic Method by Aristotle (although inspired by Socrates) when it comes to asking the questions. Combining those two concepts, you get the same output presented in this TED talk.
"Same" output? lol. Definitely not the same effectiveness. The audience would have fallen asleep if he went on stage to talk about Friedemann's model and Socratic Method. What he does on stage is literally what communication is all about; breaking down abstract concepts into simple, clear ideas that the average person can connect with. The biggest irony is you pretend you know more while being completely disconnected from the basic foundations of communication lmao
@@ismokeweedforbreakfast lol you think that I could not deliver a simplified version of both concepts? Guess what: I did that at my company and the resonance afterward was overly positive. And those are not communication experts.
Where would one find "Miteinander reden 1: Störungen und Klärungen: Allgemeine Psychologie der Kommunikation" in English? My German is good enough to order in a restaurant but I wouldn't get much from a tome like that.
Study storytelling. Seriously. 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (series)
Great talk. One of the few books I’ve read 3 times is The Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication. I don’t think it’s in print anymore but there are other books like it. Be a master communicator and watch your life change.
My Summary Ask the right question. Connect better with people. Ask Deep Questions - talk about our values, beliefs and our experiences. - Ask about how they feel about their life not the facts of their life. - Allows us to get to know the real person, creates vulnerability. Study underpinning the talk asks: When was the last time you cried in front of someone? Often leads to deeper connection. Conversations often involve multiple conversations e.g. when you are arguing with your spouse - it's important to have the same conversation when conversing in order to connect and communicate - the matching principle 1. Practical Conversation - What is this conversation about? Looking for solutions. [Do you want to be Helped?] 2. Emotional Conversation - How do we feel? Looking for empathy not solutions. [Do you want to be Hugged?] 3. Social Conversations - Who are we? [Do you want to be Heard?] Where do you work? ... becomes ... What do you love about your work? Where did you go to high school? ... becomes ... What was your high school like?, What changed you there?, What did you learn there? Cancer example: to identify the conversation, ask: What does this cancel diagnosis mean to you? The questions helps to uncover the conversation the patient want to have. Change to another conversation by getting agreement: Do you mind, there are some medical options I want to talk over with you?
Normal people can connect without oversharing and diving headfirst into aggressively personal "deep" conversation. Small talk can be incredibly satisfying without resorting to manipulative over sharing. This whole thing is a skill issue.
I think if the same presentation with the same words and ideas, but presented by a woman speaker, will turn out to be much less effective. I'm grateful that this video exists. When I talk to my husband, I have asked him for years all I needed was a hug, however each time he still tries to help me out solving my problems, with all the best intention. I hope your words get through to him. That will improve my life. A big hug!
@@ronaldgmaster5782 I did take a look of a few videos from John Grey, and I think I understand better now the dynamics when we argue. Basically if I complain about him, it raises his estrogen, and when he is defensive talking to me, he is raising my testosterone. As the theory goes, men are happier when their testosterone levels are high, and women are happier when their estrogen levels are high. Then if we have good wishes for each other, we would avoid getting into the usual dynamics when we argue.
I do believe in being from a specific place but I don't believe in borders between places which have been drawn by some people to keep a group of people divided from another. I am From india which is just a beautiful place for me with no border to create a divide.
It'd be great if more people would not just imagine, but do this. The world would be a much kinder, better place if people showed care for one another.
The physical aspects of a discussion (ie, body language) can be a totally different conversation. Or it can emphasize what the person is trying to convey. 🤔💪🏼
Actually everybody craves connection. People have been studying humans for centuries now and It’s been pretty well proven that humans are hardwired to want connection.
@CrankyCorvid But I see many people and close family members and friends not feel lonely even though they're alone in foreign countries (like me) and don't have the type of connection that I seek and have with people (when I have a connection)
I cry sometimes, I cry for those who's lives faded to soon, I cry for those, for all that think of doom, When nearly lost, a friend to us will shine, A moment of laughter is yours and is mine, A child like joy innocent found, that in our life inspiration is bound, I cry sometimes for joy and love, I cry in awe of the stars above, I feel this pain, I see yours too that together attempt to comfort you. What we share is deeply profound, a hug to give a promised sound, I cry because I hurt inside, that moment strife I stave with joy, Our lives are not some simple toy. We are so deep each a niche I am 1 in 8 billion I am not asleep, Take this poem I wrote for 2 and think it over as gift from me to you, And if your done and want an end remember this poem this is not pretend, For here I am I have always been even when I have not been seen, In my heart I rejoice for you although somtimes I miserably do, Judge my fears, my hurts, my tears and what was costed throughout these years for in that time I learned to live, to speak to others, I learned to give, When times goes by and I get old, Intend to increase not in cold, a warmth I have within my heart that was not given from the start, Until I pained and saw yours too I knew not what to do, now I see and hear upon let me be the 1 you depend. It is not eros to love a friend and friendships are real if cherished by us and not pretend. I cry sometimes although I am not a boy, a man of character deep and true but still sometimes I should wear your shoe.
For anyone reading this in the future, this comment was posted 6 mins ago and has 105 likes, it is blatantly botted. Do not do anything the comment above says.
Communicate your thoughts with clear, concise language. Avoid jargon or overly complex ideas to maintain the conversation’s flow and prevent misunderstandings.
I tend to feel annoyed and frustrated when the listener doesn’t match the emotional tone of my conversations. I often communicate to connect on an emotional level, but after pauses in the conversation, the responses I receive are usually practical and detached. Lately, to avoid feeling vulnerable, I’ve started filtering my emotions out of discussions.
Thank you. I struggle with social anxiety, I believe this affects my conversating not only to strangers but my partner. I’m going to use this advice and it has determined me to speak differently.🥹
There is no vulnerability without psychological safety and a balance of power. It could have negative consequences to attempt this experiment if those conditions are not first present.
Intelligent, introspective individuals are super hyper rare. In 30+ years, I can't say I've met more than a mere handful (in person). 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (series)
I think people find this conversation topic to be 'the best' simply because people just don't talk too deeply with others, only their spouse/significant other maybe. I would like to see research on this VS other questions, instead of him just saying it's the best.
2:04 a discussion can have many conversations, 3:15 matching principle: 2:23 practical, emotional, social(1:07 wife example) 2:48 different conversations created at the same time ends up with others not hearing each other, 3:15 matching principle (3:30 teacher example) 4:05 so ask deep questions to connect with values, beliefs, and experiences (4:27 examples) 4:43 instead od asking about fact, ask about feelings 5:24 doctor example problem, 7:15 solution
Deep inside, we all r innocent child who want love, care ... Even how hard d person outside is or pretending, he or she is child inside I wish we hav common platform or wtsapp group, to share our deep inside wmotions , to listen n b child again
Summary.
You become a super communicator by knowing which conversation you are in. There're 3 types of conversations:
1. Practical: What is this really about? How can I help?
2. Emotional: How do you feel
3. Social: Who are we.
All of you must be either on 1, 2, or 3 to communicate well. If one is on 2 while another is on 3, it will cause conflicts.
With practical, you offer help. With emotional, you listen and reciprocate emotional.
With social, you reciprocate vulnerability.
And that's how you become a super communicator.
That was a super communication
That is transactional analysis model by Eric Berne
thank you so much you don't understand how much this helped me
King for this
😅
“Instead of asking the facts of someone’s life, ask how they feel about life” really got to me, that is beautiful.
The last time I cried in front of others was a few days ago in front of my young elementary school students. On this day, a gift which was given to a child by his dad was stolen. I talked to the kids and while I was talking about how sad I would be if someone would steal the gift that my dad gave me because my dad passed away very long time ago and I will never get any gift from him again. I don't know why but it got me so emotional and I had to cry.
... the next day, a little boy came to me and gave me a chestnut as a gift, which he found on the playground at school. He smiled when he saw me and said " Hello Binh, I have something for you. I found this chestnut while playing outside. I really want you to get it as a gift". I was so surprised and touched. He made my day ❤
Perfect 🤗
Ohhh, my darling, it gets me emotional too❤❤❤
When was the last time you cried in front of someone? The last time I cried in front of someone was two weeks ago, in front of my wife. I had a terrible day of depression. Everything seemed so messed up. I've been unemployed for five months now, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I feel useless, I don't have a clue about my purpose. I keep going, though. I do art, I write, I act, I'm studying, doing interviews for new roles. But that day I felt so distant from everything, from everyone. We never really win against depression or anxiety; it's a never-ending battle. But I'm happy to say that even if most of the time is filled with desperation, the short, wonderful times of love, enlightenment, and care are the best times and make it worthwhile.
The last time I cried was today, in Walmart, among complete strangers. My cashier and the lady behind me were kind when I blurted out something that was bothering me and I cried.
@@colleenwood8220why did reading this make me cry wtf
@@colleenwood8220 what was bothering you?
Big hugs friend
My first thought was, I don't remember. Probably last year when my Dad died. I think I cried for a brief moment in front of one of my brothers. I'm not sure I actually did, though. I just don't remember.
- When did you cry in front of someone ?
- A discussion is multiple conversations.
Successful communication requires us to recognize what kind of communication is happening and matching them.
- Ask deep questions: something which invites us to talk about values etc.
Ask about how they feel about their life - Vulnerability is the key to allowing us to connect with other people.
- If something happens to you again and again, then maybe the problem is with you.
Ask the deep questions. Emotional conversations ( How do we feel ).
Moral of the story: try to connect emotionally by asking deep questions.
“Do you want to be helped, hugged or heard?”
０．０
over simplification but okay
I think he's actually saying this--try to ask deep questions to figure out what kind of conversation you're having (practical, emotional, or social). His point is that both people must be having the same conversation to communicate effectively as shown by the research.
The emotional conversations will likely result in the strongest connection with someone because that's usually where vulnerability happens.
Moral of the story… emotional intelligence is key to making a difference in our personal and professional lives too
This TED talk deserves one billion views
Edifying indeed, Mr. Charls made it super easy to comprehend. It resonates where people don't just communicate, but they connect. Where the sense of being human is kept in the first place, then all the hectic logos of life. Indeed, it's spot on.
"Time is the backdrop of our lives and the very fabric of the cosmos. Depending on whom you ask, time is money, time is love, time is work, time is play, time is enjoying friends, time is raising children, and time is much more. Time is what you make of it.
The greatest gift that you can give to others and to yourself is time. Embrace the gift of time whether you give it or receive it.
Our time is brief, and it will pass no matter what we do. So let us have purpose in spending it. Let us spend it so that our time matters to each of us, and matters to all those whose lives we touch."
Philip Zimbardo
Beautiful
Thank you Chuck. You made my day and truthfully it was a really bad day. ♥️☘️
@@janetslicer3637 You're certainly welcome Janet, and thank you for expressing your
gratitude. 🤗🥰
"One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.
To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness
Happiness does not exclude sadness - if a person responds to life, he's sometimes happy and sometimes sad. What matters is he responds.
Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towards themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others.
Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.
Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.
To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.
What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other --- but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness --- of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him.
In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him.”
Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
The present day shows with appalling clarity how little able people are to let the other man’s argument count, although this capacity is a fundamental and indispensable condition for any human community. Everyone who proposes to come to terms with himself must reckon with this basic problem.
For, to the degree that he does not admit the validity of the other person, he denies the “other” within himself the right to exist-and vice versa. The capacity for inner dialogue is a touchstone for outer objectivity.”
C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung
“It is interesting that for Plato, and for most Platonists, an altruistic individualism cannot exist. According to Plato, the only alternative to collectivism is egoism; he simply identifies all altruism with collectivism, and all individualism with egoism. This is not a matter of terminology, of mere words, for instead of four possibilities, Plato recognized only two. This has created considerable confusion in speculation on ehtical matters, even down to our own day.
Plato’s identification of individualism with egoism furnishes him with a powerful weapon for his defence of collectivism as well as for his attack upon individualism. In defending collectivism, he can appeal to our humanitarian feeling of unselfishness; in his attack, he can brand all individualists as selfish, as incapable of devotion to anything but themselves. This attack, although aimed by Plato against individualism in our sense, i.e. against the rights of human individuals, reaches of course only a very different target, egoism. But this difference is constantly ignored by Plato and by most Platonists...
Individualism was part of the old intuitive idea of justice. That justice is not, as Plato would have it, the health and harmony of the state, but rather a certain way of treating individuals, is emphasized by Aristotle, when he says, ‘justice is something that pertains to persons.”
Karl Popper
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."
Jack Kornfield
@@chuckheppner4384 What can I say? I am overwhelmed with the quotes Chuck. I can't even say I understand them all. But then again, I am a bit detached from everyday life. I am still trying to understand my husband's suicide two and a half years ago. The other day I had to put my dog down. Hence my first comment to you. We just never know what cards will be dealt to us. Live and learn. Best wishes. ♥️☘️
Time is the only resource.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
I love this!
Yesterday, I realized I was having conversations with my daughter that were not promising for us to have more.
How wonderful I allow myself to listen to this one!
Thank you, Charles Duhigg!
When a family member complains about something or shares their challenges, my most natural instinct would try to fix it by offering a solution (because this is something I would seek if the roles were reversed). This conversation would always end unfruitful, leaving both of us disappointed. Now I would simply enquire if they are seeking any resolution. And I also know that this particular individual seeks to share their problems instead of accepting or seeking resolution. It is hard but it is what it is.
In family medicine, we call these deep questions: active listening CEA (catharsis-education-action) counseling 🤗
Thanks for sharing this mnemonic- makes perfect sense. Thanks
Are you aware of motivational interviewing
Read his book super communicators now watching him talk about some topics makes it even more clear
Fantastic and insightful talk! In the age of Digital-Everything taking over our lives and communication it’s critical we remember how to relate to people, especially those with opposing opinions.
One of the most effective video about having a discussion with someone.
Thank you
This is facts though, I straight up asked a guy at work that I barley talked to “are you happy” and we went on taking for the rest of the day
Friends on
One of the best TEDx talks that I have listened to !! Few takeaways!
This shows Charles Duhigg is a man overwhelmingly deserving of his Pulitzer Award. Not only is he a great teacher of anything he researches. But is able to inform us on great and practical information. I love all of his reporting.
You actually cannot be serious. For what? For deliveryi? Right here he is replicating someone else´s findings.
@@MaYa-wc2no looks like you forgot about high school presentations. Not everyone getting As on their subjects. Maybe except you. You get all the As.
Not sure why, but I’ve intuitively known this all my life, it’s created a lot of beautiful conversations with people
Sams
yesterday I learned that adding your own experience to the dialogue is "conversational narcissism". Glad to hear that there are concepts in which a good communicator can be more than an emotional dumpster or therapist
Exactly. The "Me too" words mentioned after sharing an experience rounds about the conversation to ourselves that makes the other person uncomfortable. He has opened up to completely shed his mind. Narcissistic conversation blocks the conversation in most cases.
@@sanguinesquickenglishi don’t get it… could you explain more
@@marcelkamiraWell, I meant..when someone shares his experience or pain, instead of paying attention we say 'yeah I've had a similar experience, yes me too..yes my office too..always me me me..bringing the conversation back to us. The other guy loses interest in this narcissistic talk. Asking deep questions about them is good, but sharing your deep experience immediately blocks their flow. Next time they won't share.
@@sanguinesquickenglish what should we say instead?
@@marcelkamira Patiently listen. Let him finish. That's the purpose the other person shares. If at all he needs to listen to ur side of story or a suggestion to his problem, he will ask. Until then, listening is best. The world has no listeners these days.
This was super insightful!
Asking deep questions brings about a strong level of connection between you and the individual(s) you are communicating with.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Reminds you of how it's that connection with others that's important. It's about relating and connecting.
You explain even the most difficult topics so clearly.
The best this that he doesn't use any filler word that incredible 😮
Interesting that even communicating in a meaningful way is also about power.
😅
@geraldinehogan Your TED TAlk on Teacher Burnout was absolutely amazing. Your story is encouraging
I still remember , I am angry at my wife and we had conversation. But at that moment I just need a hug. She was asking practical questions what happened in your office etc. Sometimes Conversations at same level is very important. I understood now.
"who want to really answer that question?"
done and the guy actually answer the question emotionally
Wow, this video is worth saving and re-watch a hundred times!
Excellent video. In this viseo i felt how i increase my abilty to feel and not to judge
This is the basis of coaching. 🔥
3:50 i run an animal rescue in a village and we live on a farm and boundaries sometimes get blurred between personal and professional, and I've been doing exactly that ... asking people if they just want to talk, or are looking for solution and are they coming to me as a boss or an elder brother of sorts. I wasn't sure if what i was doing was "okay" as most people dont usually ask and seem to figure things out, but i dont like assuming. So, this wss good to know!
This will help alot. Thanks for the input. I'll try and experiment it, and make adjustments accordingly.
Moral of the story (v2): ask deep questions to connect emotionally
That's interesting because I don't cry 😭
7:55 for a moment I thought he was going to say: “… and the dr asked him this question: when was the last time you cried in front of someone? …” (phew!) 😅
😂
Dramatically better conversations are grounded in neuroscience, where active listening, empathy, and strategic use of language stimulate the brain’s reward centers, creating a sense of connection and trust. Understanding the science of conversation means recognizing how tone, body language, and word choice influence not just how we are understood, but how we make others feel leading to more meaningful and productive exchanges. How can we leverage insights from neuroscience and psychology to consistently foster deeper, more impactful conversations, especially in high-stakes or emotionally charged situations?
Wouldn't it be a bit awkward to ask, 'When was the last time you cried in front of someone?' I mean, it's not exactly small talk at a party! But hey, he's trying to dive into the deep end of the conversation pool. Successful conversations are like dance moves-you gotta match the rhythm. If it's practical, you want useful advice; if it's emotional, you offer a shoulder; and if it's social, just nod and smile like you’re paying attention. Easy, right? Nope! But these deep questions help us open up and connect. Instead of asking 'Where do you work?' try 'What do you love about your job?' It's like skipping the small talk and jumping straight to the good stuff-no awkward icebreakers required!
THIS WAS AWESOME
Watching from Bangladesh ❤
This was the click that I've been missing for my whole life
WOW, I find the talk about communication so effective.
Thank you!
Last day i cried was when seeing an epic serial, i just relate my story how even after doing good, life didnt respond well....
The issue with this theory is that it only works if the family and society aren’t hostile to their unique personality, but that apparently isn’t very natural because we see that hostility across all cultures and throughout all time.
I really enjoyed this conference it’s just insaaaane thank you so muuuch ❤
If you are looking for the actual point it is at 4:46. His examples do not support the title. Most people would find it rude if a stranger started drilling them the way he suggests.
My experience is that most people are very willing to talk about themselves with a stranger. We all have a lot of common ground, it's just a matter of finding it.
Be prepared to get really confused looks and most of the time people can not even answer these questions since they are not used to talk like this anymore. Especially if you talk to strangers. When this happens, you can offer to answer the question first so they can become more comfortable around you and understand what amount of information is safe to share.
But I am not interested in having deep conversations with strangers.
honestly I teared up listening to this
This whole concept is the watered-down version of the four sides model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun and the Socratic Method by Aristotle (although inspired by Socrates) when it comes to asking the questions. Combining those two concepts, you get the same output presented in this TED talk.
"Same" output? lol. Definitely not the same effectiveness. The audience would have fallen asleep if he went on stage to talk about Friedemann's model and Socratic Method. What he does on stage is literally what communication is all about; breaking down abstract concepts into simple, clear ideas that the average person can connect with. The biggest irony is you pretend you know more while being completely disconnected from the basic foundations of communication lmao
@@ismokeweedforbreakfast lol you think that I could not deliver a simplified version of both concepts? Guess what: I did that at my company and the resonance afterward was overly positive. And those are not communication experts.
Where would one find "Miteinander reden 1: Störungen und Klärungen: Allgemeine Psychologie der Kommunikation" in English? My German is good enough to order in a restaurant but I wouldn't get much from a tome like that.
a mind-blowing talk
Study storytelling. Seriously.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
Great talk. One of the few books I’ve read 3 times is The Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication. I don’t think it’s in print anymore but there are other books like it. Be a master communicator and watch your life change.
My Summary
Ask the right question. Connect better with people.
Ask Deep Questions
- talk about our values, beliefs and our experiences.
- Ask about how they feel about their life not the facts of their life.
- Allows us to get to know the real person, creates vulnerability.
Study underpinning the talk asks: When was the last time you cried in front of someone? Often leads to deeper connection.
Conversations often involve multiple conversations e.g. when you are arguing with your spouse - it's important to have the same conversation when conversing in order to connect and communicate - the matching principle
1. Practical Conversation - What is this conversation about? Looking for solutions. [Do you want to be Helped?]
2. Emotional Conversation - How do we feel? Looking for empathy not solutions. [Do you want to be Hugged?]
3. Social Conversations - Who are we? [Do you want to be Heard?]
Where do you work? ... becomes ... What do you love about your work?
Where did you go to high school? ... becomes ... What was your high school like?, What changed you there?, What did you learn there?
Cancer example: to identify the conversation, ask: What does this cancel diagnosis mean to you? The questions helps to uncover the conversation the patient want to have. Change to another conversation by getting agreement: Do you mind, there are some medical options I want to talk over with you?
This is a boiled down take on the ancient rhetorical triangle: pathos, logos, ethos.
And that's all Greek to me (us)
This is a very insightful talk!!! Loved it!!!
As for me, I cry almost every single night...
😢 do you have someone you could talk to?
Normal people can connect without oversharing and diving headfirst into aggressively personal "deep" conversation.
Small talk can be incredibly satisfying without resorting to manipulative over sharing. This whole thing is a skill issue.
This is it!!!! So so important!❤
I think if the same presentation with the same words and ideas, but presented by a woman speaker, will turn out to be much less effective. I'm grateful that this video exists. When I talk to my husband, I have asked him for years all I needed was a hug, however each time he still tries to help me out solving my problems, with all the best intention. I hope your words get through to him. That will improve my life. A big hug!
Have him read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
@@ronaldgmaster5782 I did take a look of a few videos from John Grey, and I think I understand better now the dynamics when we argue. Basically if I complain about him, it raises his estrogen, and when he is defensive talking to me, he is raising my testosterone. As the theory goes, men are happier when their testosterone levels are high, and women are happier when their estrogen levels are high. Then if we have good wishes for each other, we would avoid getting into the usual dynamics when we argue.
Commenting for the algorithm.. love this ❤
Human connect through emotion.
That's actually very powerful advice.
Really wonderfully enough did you mention my hidden thoughts😮❤
Bro!!!!❤️😩
From Azerbaijan 🇦🇿
I do believe in being from a specific place but I don't believe in borders between places which have been drawn by some people to keep a group of people divided from another.
I am From india which is just a beautiful place for me with no border to create a divide.
Imagine going up to a strager asking the question and then saying do you want me to listen empathize or give you a hug ? Lool
It'd be great if more people would not just imagine, but do this. The world would be a much kinder, better place if people showed care for one another.
You would no longer be strangers
Thats an instantly developing feelings for them for me
I am going to ask Deep questions to people from now on❤❤
The physical aspects of a discussion (ie, body language) can be a totally different conversation.
Or it can emphasize what the person is trying to convey.
🤔💪🏼
I’m from Brasil! Good afternoon!
When is the last time you have cried in front of someone ?
😭@@Gabykk
Thankyou so much
I do crave connection, unlike many other people and that's why I feel or have felt lonely
Actually everybody craves connection. People have been studying humans for centuries now and It’s been pretty well proven that humans are hardwired to want connection.
@CrankyCorvid But I see many people and close family members and friends not feel lonely even though they're alone in foreign countries (like me) and don't have the type of connection that I seek and have with people (when I have a connection)
These guys are making a very good job 👏 well done
Awesome talk💥
I cry sometimes,
I cry for those who's lives faded to soon,
I cry for those, for all that think of doom,
When nearly lost, a friend to us will shine,
A moment of laughter is yours and is mine,
A child like joy innocent found, that in our life inspiration is bound,
I cry sometimes for joy and love, I cry in awe of the stars above,
I feel this pain, I see yours too that together attempt to comfort you.
What we share is deeply profound, a hug to give a promised sound,
I cry because I hurt inside, that moment strife I stave with joy,
Our lives are not some simple toy.
We are so deep each a niche I am 1 in 8 billion I am not asleep,
Take this poem I wrote for 2 and think it over as gift from me to you,
And if your done and want an end remember this poem this is not pretend,
For here I am I have always been even when I have not been seen,
In my heart I rejoice for you although somtimes I miserably do,
Judge my fears, my hurts, my tears and what was costed throughout these years for in that time I learned to live, to speak to others, I learned to give,
When times goes by and I get old,
Intend to increase not in cold, a warmth I have within my heart that was not given from the start,
Until I pained and saw yours too I knew not what to do, now I see and hear upon let me be the 1 you depend.
It is not eros to love a friend and friendships are real if cherished by us and not pretend.
I cry sometimes although I am not a boy, a man of character deep and true but still sometimes I should wear your shoe.
TLDR; Figure-out category of conversation you're going to have just before thinking about answer. i.e:
Person wanna be helped, heard or hugged ?
aimentalhealthadvisor AI fixes this. Trusted 'explainer' enhances conversations significantly.
For anyone reading this in the future, this comment was posted 6 mins ago and has 105 likes, it is blatantly botted. Do not do anything the comment above says.
Summary: ask questions that elicit emotion. “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”
Insightful
Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?
Enlightening
Question number 30 in Arthur Aron's "36 Love Questions". See Mandy Len Catron's 2015 TED Talk.
Communicate your thoughts with clear, concise language. Avoid jargon or overly complex ideas to maintain the conversation’s flow and prevent misunderstandings.
I tend to feel annoyed and frustrated when the listener doesn’t match the emotional tone of my conversations. I often communicate to connect on an emotional level, but after pauses in the conversation, the responses I receive are usually practical and detached. Lately, to avoid feeling vulnerable, I’ve started filtering my emotions out of discussions.
Thank you.
I struggle with social anxiety, I believe this affects my conversating not only to strangers but my partner. I’m going to use this advice and it has determined me to speak differently.🥹
Amazing
There is no vulnerability without psychological safety and a balance of power. It could have negative consequences to attempt this experiment if those conditions are not first present.
I cry a lot Infront of God
First find people that reciprocate or it’s extremely lonely
Intelligent, introspective individuals are super hyper rare. In 30+ years, I can't say I've met more than a mere handful (in person).
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
I found camping alone in the woods very peaceful...
I cried while praying to Allah♥️felt good after that
It's a bit sad when 'normal' people can't hug each other
i want all three, but everyone hates me.
Same, I want all three. I don't think people hate me. I think they just don't care one way or the other.
Mark my words !! This video will hit 1 Million Views very soon 🔥
I think people find this conversation topic to be 'the best' simply because people just don't talk too deeply with others, only their spouse/significant other maybe. I would like to see research on this VS other questions, instead of him just saying it's the best.
2:04 a discussion can have many conversations, 3:15 matching principle: 2:23 practical, emotional, social(1:07 wife example)
2:48 different conversations created at the same time ends up with others not hearing each other, 3:15 matching principle (3:30 teacher example)
4:05 so ask deep questions to connect with values, beliefs, and experiences (4:27 examples)
4:43 instead od asking about fact, ask about feelings
5:24 doctor example problem, 7:15 solution
How does it feel asking someone the same question, having no idea that the same person has watched the same video?
I'm Indian🇮🇳❤ watch this video
Deep inside, we all r innocent child who want love, care ... Even how hard d person outside is or pretending, he or she is child inside
I wish we hav common platform or wtsapp group, to share our deep inside wmotions , to listen n b child again
Weren’t you the first to interview yunus soon after haseena fled ? 😊😊