How to protect yourself from manipulators? Trust your intuition. Set clear boundaries. Don't give in to pressure. Seek support. Walk away if necessary...
That's not always possible. If you ever get sick, injured, or otherwise compromised you're still going to deal with people who don't wish you a speedy recovery. If you don't know how to recognize and respond you might never recover. And, sometimes, it's for no other reason than you were convinced you to act against your own best interests. Don't limit your perception of where power addicts sit. They're anywhere they think they'll get a sense of power. Cheers.
The problem with master manipulators is they are often good at bypassing your intuition and making you think your intuition is either unreliable or is telling you to believe them. So many people follow manipulators simply because their intuition tells them to.
@@DoyConocimiento-zq4kr a lot of people mistake trauma responses for intuition... that feeling of "this feels right" is often "this feels familiar therefore I'm ok here" but in reality it's a repeating pattern of being manipulated... a lot of people who have trauma have trouble differentiating manipulators from genuinely safe people and they call it intuition
those people would rather be feared than loved. They excel in manipulation but sabotaging them makes them fear you more than they love you. people that love them are to be controlled. when the manipulator is fearfull for your strenght, they have to act accordingly which will make them walk on eggshells instead of you. which is the spot you want to excell in. otherwise, find a different job.
Great to meet with you at TEDx and so glad I got to see this talk in person. Many people feel like it’s their fault when they engage with a manipulator and begin to question their own self-worth. These tips help to put them back on the track to empowerment and trusting themselves again. What a unique way to take back control especially in situations when you can’t immediately get out of interacting with them (like if they’re a co-worker). Thanks so much Dr. Jones for your unique perspective!
🎯 Key points for quick navigation: 00:03 *🗣️ Manipulation is common, and many people don't realize they're being manipulated.* 01:07 *🧠 Understanding manipulation is crucial for protection.* 02:02 *📚 The study of manipulative traits like psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism has a fragmented history.* 02:30 *📖 Machiavellianism involves strategic and cautious manipulation for power.* 03:24 *🌟 The "dark triad" refers to psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism.* 04:05 *👿 Psychopathy is considered dangerous but lacks long-term strategic planning.* 04:46 *🦁 Machiavellianism is like a lion planning its attack; it's strategic and long-term.* 06:09 *🕵️♂️ Machiavellians act strategically, unlike impulsive psychopaths or ego-driven narcissists.* 06:36 *📈 Individuals high in Machiavellianism cope better under destructive leadership and get promoted more often.* 07:31 *🛡️ It's important to defend against manipulation without becoming manipulative.* 08:10 *♟️ Treat interactions with manipulative people like a chess match, focusing on external gains.* 08:36 *❄️ "CBR" method: Cold (emotionally guarded), Bottom line (focus on goals), Rational (outcome-oriented).* 09:22 *💸 Treat manipulative people based on their utility, not as friends.* 10:20 *👫 These tactics are for dealing with manipulative individuals, not for healthy relationships.* 11:14 *🛠️ Recognizing and dealing with manipulation is crucial; future research should focus on practical solutions.* 12:06 *🧩 Using the CBR method helps manage manipulation until one can escape the situation.*
This talk captivated both me and my teenager! A topic people of all ages need and can relate to, supported by research that will help many. Congrats Dan!
Dealt with a person like this for years. They played a long game and pretended to be a friend and the nicest person so any accusations were met with skepticism. I’m so glad I walked away from that toxicity.
People that gaslight etc can make you feel like you are actually going crazy. Even to the point of telling lies about you to everyone else to turn them against you then swoop in on their prey .you have to be very strong in self esteem to withstand the harm.
I was working with someone on a voluntary committee- she love bombed me at the outset, which made me wary. Then i got this strong intuition she was lying so i tested it & yes she was slick & whoppers. Her intention was to control, minimise listening to me, undermining my knowledge & experience- all the while insisting we were friends. She also loved drama and stirring it up. It was wearing & demoralising. She also was super defensive about criticism, so you couldn't say a contractor was not doing the job without blow back via a personal attack. She really overstepped when i did criticise a contractor- she deliberately set me up by saying something innocuous but threatening, so when i reacted, she could humiliate and gaslight me. I used that opportunity to simply block her number & get my peace of mind back - instead of going along with all her shenanigans for the sake of the work. She complains others don't do the work, but what she really wants is a bunch of yes people who do what she tells them. She's incapable of working collegially.
I have volunteered in a lot of organizations. More often than not, one person designates themselves the “Grand Poopaw”and starts bossing everyone around, criticizing our efforts and securing all the desirable tasks. I’ll try 2-3 times to reach a workable strategy/compromise but if that doesn’t work, I’m out. Life is too short to tolerate someone’s insecurities and mean behavior. Those organizations always seem to be looking for volunteers. I can’t imagine why! (snark)
@sfc5774 very interesting, thanks. I naively thought volunteering would involve meeting nice people! This wasn't the first time I ran into particularly horrible people in such a situation. Also,.met some very unpleasant individuals in art classes and French class.
Such important information here. Dan explains how people use manipulation and what those being manipulated can do about it in a simple way that everyone can understand and use.
Didn't realize I was being manipulated by a mentor in my industry for 2 years until one day I got a weird feeling that he was taking advantage of my kindness and talents. Around that time I had also formed a new connection with another industry mentor who helped confirm my suspicions, so I immediately cut ties with the manipulative person without explanation other than "I don't have time for our project anymore because work and life" something vague and short along those lines and he didn't even ask any questions or try to keep me by his side, he probably realized I could finally see right through him.
Doesn't sound right. If they truly were manipulating you, they would have tried to talk you out of it to the point where work and life wouldn't matter as much as that project. What benefit did the other mentor get out of it 😂
I've realized the more sorry i was about my boundaries the more appealing i became to manipulative people... I'm not sorry anymore. You don't like my boundaries, then we're not gonna have good vibes anyway. I'm OK with you targeting someone else with your drama, and I'm happy to be alone with my peace ✌️
You can never manipulate a manipulator. They are masters who spent their whole life using and refining this skill. A normal person will always lose. We are not equipped to think like them
That is what my ex who is the dark triad Machiavellian said to me once I cought on very similar don’t even try because others & he have been doing this all their life and you are clueless your best bet is to stay yourself be nice and pleasant company and hope one of them likes having you around or doesn’t see interest to exercise their manipulation for nastiness on you although he did eventually.
These concepts seem interesting and potentially useful when dealing with someone in a position of power within my family. I appreciate your perspective. I hope integration with therapy, self-education of emotional intelligence and practice practice practice may help me connect beyond the manipulator in my family and remain empathic with those around us.
I see knowledge as good and helpful especially when needed to understand a n unhealthy relationship. I still mourn the loss of innocence that comes with it.
@@abigailandino6251 Well, yeah... because sometimes you have no choice but to fight fire with fire and he makes a point that these tactics do not belong in healthy relationships so they are a last resort if you are backed into a corner... I wish I had understood this 20 years ago so instead of wasting years and years trying to forge a healthy relationship with my mother I could then instead identify her traits better and utilise the corner she had backed me into as a temporary resource to get myself and my son away from her in the long term... instead, she destroyed my life, my finances, and my health... I wish I had learned to fight fire with fire instead of being the goddam fire truck always putting out fires
I think this is interesting in all, but I think it is so much more important for society these days to start recognizing how they as individuals are unconsciously manipulative. Everybody does it every single day, very few will admit it. Of course it's not always for selfish reasons, but it does happen. The most cunning manipulation of our species has been the manipulation of self to believe that we do not manipulate at all
The very nature of humans is to manipulate... from childhood we learn early how to get what we want... on a first date, we are manipulating someone to see us in the way we want them to see us... at a job interview we are manipulating someone to hire us over other candidates, etc... it just depends on how far some people take this manipulation
Yes, I agree! I have been trying to identify when I do this to others. I'm sickened at how often I actually do and then feel I'm misunderstood if blamed for manipulation. I think recognizing it in ourselves and focusing on improving that, would be a game changer socially.
@@theexotic2983 may feel like semantics but I think it's more about they want to win, the thought of the other person losing isn't even in their minds, it's just about how they feel, their need for control, their need to feel superior, etc... what the other person feels or experiences I don't believe even comes into their perspective
A person can have high social intelligence and come off as manipulative, but not necessarily be unethical or immoral, like a therapist for example. "Selfishness" can just be about a person getting their needs met. The questions to ask is if they do things at another's expense for their own benifit, do they have a sense of morality and ethics.
Keep dark triad people out of your life. Your life can literally depend on this. Family or spouse are typically the worst because they are hardest to leave. Colleagues are bad, but you can leave your job.
This is definitely a topic we need more of in today's world. I wish he would have talked longer, or make a part ll, lll and so on! Thank you Sir! Job well done. I need a survivor guide to help me right now; until I can get away on the DL... THEY ARE SCARY, CRINGE WITH NO SOUL. AGE DOESN'T APPLY BC IN MY OPINION; THEY GET WORSE WITH AGE AND REALIZE THEY'RE ALONE. THEIR OWN FAMILY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. THEY'RE SICKOS AND CRUEL.
Prior to viewing this Tedx talk, I used the CBR method to deal with an individual at work. This video is confirmation that I took the correct steps only after i exhausted all other approaches!
Beautiful lecture. Truth. Finally machs given their due. Problem with execution of said tactics is you don't have cognitive empathy only like machs. Emotional empathy is a weakness in this scenario. Also machs can compartmentalize which is a plus that helps with stress
You are perfectly correct. Life is all mind games. If you read this short CIA story set in Cameroon, did Colonel Mvodo subtly infiltrate Agent Lasso's mind? How come did it become so difficult for Lasso to let go of stoicism? Donald Besong's writing style is so mesmerising. While there are numerous themes in this short paperback story, but its sub-theme of psychological games intrigues me a lot.
It’s usually someone close to you, they know how to use your emotional involvement within the relationship you have with them. You might care too much and not know when to when to pull back maybe in fear of loosing the “friendship relationship” you have with them. It’s best to not engage, the older I get the more I can see this ability to manipulate and the way people can try to manipulate for whatever reason or end they witch to achieve. It is hard to be a middle age man and realize you have “friendships/relationships” you have to distance yourself from, these are people I have known for 30 years, but the truth is it’s not that I don’t care about them but I have to care about myself and my family more than the “friendship/relationship” I have with them. I don’t wanna feel like I’m a “better person” but these people have a loop in their lives that constantly hold them back from progressing in life, and I don’t want to surround myself letting those people extinguish the passion I have to progressing in my live and reaching and accomplishing my dreams.
CBR is something I utilize, I use the term Grey Rock. I have a video 5 Tips to stop a bully, kids use this technique and it works well and empowers them ❤❤
The problem with this is a true Machiavellian person will use this response to their advantage also. The cold rational behaviour they know you will intuitively be concerned with not being manipulative and so find a way to point out how you are being unempathetic or manipulative even if you aren’t and those of us who have empathy will worry and we don’t have on off switches. Really boundaries is what we can do. And working to respect our own boundaries and practicing reinforcing them in ways which match our own integrity. Focus on you. Don’t work hard on them and interacting with them beyond this as this is also part of their “win”.
This is a good point. When a manipulator sees you change from empathic to cold their counter move will likely be to play the victim and press your empathy (“C’mon, blah blah blah”). When you hold your ground and stick to the bottom line they may make you out to be the aggressor and double down on their victimhood. Maybe throw a mini tantrum. You respond with rationality and comes the threat, “I’’m gonna tell ….”
@@danielburns8548 great joy comes from imagining throwing grown tantrums and it not getting scary. Just in public. Might as well they’ll call ya crazy somehow anyway hehe. And thanks 😊.
@billyminilli Yes, the Democrats & M S M were highly manipulative, narcissistic hypocrites. Their favorite tool: Projection. A party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars...No Not Here!! Yet somehow, there are still gaslit followers who believe & there's not anything u or anyone can do or say that will ever change their minds.
Yeh, A party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars...No Not Here!
Yeh, a party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars... No Not Here!
Yeh, A par ty that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border crisis, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars... No Not Here!
An important thing to realize is that dark triad types tend to team up with other dark triad types, especially in the workplace. It may be best to move to a different work group or change companies, rather than try to cope with them. They are sadistic and competitive, and never change.
*I just noticed some of the other videos suggested in relation to this video are about "Persuasion", "How to get more", "How to be influential", "Prevent emotions from dictating my actions", etc. Sounds like a bunch of manipulators.*
I wrote this in response to another comment but it applies here: The very nature of humans is to manipulate... from childhood we learn early how to get what we want... on a first date, we are manipulating someone to see us in the way we want them to see us... at a job interview we are manipulating someone to hire us over other candidates, etc... it just depends on how far some people take this manipulation and whether or not it's done in an honest way or in a dishonest harmful way
I would consider myself an intelligent individual but I just got "played" by a lady who lost her husband and used his death as a way to use me for everything that she wanted but I have her number NOW because she rented me a room for way more that I should have paid and is not allowed to rent rooms in her house by HOA regulations!!!! She has NO idea that I am onto her and is about to see HER situation go against her on a number of levels!! Game Over!!! :)-
If you do anything to get back at her. She will be such a victim, “all men are,,,,,ect” After my marriage of 28 years ended. She pulled the plug. It was expected, that I would stay in the basement. Because it would be handy, to have me around, to fix things. and she can’t stand to be alone. We get along fine as separate entities, because she now misses me. Oops.
The manipulator in my life tried to get inside my head to figure out how to hurt me, and she ended up in psychological distress when I revealed my deepest traumas to her. She had a breakdown. As far as I know she is still out of work and hasn’t recovered. Best trauma dump I ever took.
I try to filter manipulators through the lens of my trauma. It would be very easy for me to put someone in distress through a trauma dump as well - and that is why I don’t share anything with anyone. Nobody can hold anything over me or against me. And conversely they can’t accuse me of manipulation through a victim story.
I admit I hurt a stranger once. He did a trauma dump. It didn't hurt me, he was an a**, but I did decide he was already dealing with enough. But the equation is different for family. The ones who try the "oh my trauma" are the ones who I know gleefully hurt other people, so I am unmoved. Everybody has problems.
This is what I tell my daughters, ignore the idiots and think about the money, you are there for the money. Do your job the best you can and think about the money not the idiots. And sooner or later their reckoning day will come. Because those kind of people are like that with most of the people. And most of them get fired. I seen this happen many times.
What if your parent is The manipulator ? By the way I learned more from the comments than the talk. Although I heard for the first time the concept of The triad- psychopath, narcissist, manipulators. Thank you for that.
I confess: I am manipulative. I read Sun Tzu's 'Art of war' like a bible and I really do like the 48 laws of power compilation. Yet I say to myself: I do not do this just for an ego trip. I want to get things done. I really like to cooperate and try to mentally get into the other's shoes to be able to respect other's positions and paradigms. I am much more likely to help others than to enhance my own profit. Yet without a good plan, strategic thinking and some elegant rethorics you are much less likely to succeed. I want to help building a world that is worth living in - not only myself but also for others. And the most helpful people in the process are those that criticise me the most. After all, I live in my bubble and without input of people living different lives, thinking differently and pursue other paths of morality I would have difficulty to determine where I stand and if the direction I want to go is correct. Does this make me a master manipulator? Probably not. But I do use just the same tools.
there is always a choice between what profits you right now and your soul. ethics and morality don't pay well in dollars but pay really well in inner peace.
Okay... So I agree 99%. I have actually done a lot of this with my ex who I question if he was a sociopath. I'm extremely empathetic but also very rational. The one thing I don't agree on is: there's no place for it in a healthy relationship. If you do it right, I disagree. But, I was also still very honest and addressed emotional things as well (rationally) and didn't sweep that under the rug. And I know I made my ex think and won many battles this way that I'm sure planted lil seeds in his mind opening him up to change, as niave as it may sound to some. One tiny example... He'd get verbally abusive sometimes, so I'd always address the behavior itself rather than reacting too much to the things he would say about me. I'd turn it back around on him to make him reflect. He'd get very frustrated that his insults didn't effect me much. He even complained about it once saying something like "except you don't even care [what I say about you]!" Me: "well... Why would I want to let those things bother me?" *Him being confused and stopping to think*: "well... Why do I care them? [The things I say about him] me: "idk! Why do you???" So if you do it with emotional intelligence, I think you can also help someone else to learn emotional intelligence. But it can't be in a patronizing way, it has to be so rational and lead them to make the realizations on their own. The hardest part was not getting caught up in my own emotions and being reactive rather than responsive like he says... This took time. But the more I saw through him and understood him, the easier it became. I got pretty good at getting through to him at times, and I know I'll be in his head for a long time to come.. even if I did eventually have to just walk away, as I felt like it was time. My intuition told me I did enough and the best I could do for him now was push him out of the nest.. because after a certain point, it can be enabling to be there for someone endlessly without making them to the work themselves after you know they know better. Time to fly on your own lil birdie.
Yeah... still not buying it... you wouldn't have had to resort to any of that if he was a healthy partner... your example jsut highlighted the fact that you need to fight fire with fire, no where did it demonstrate how you used it in a healthy relationship... and it wasn't your job to make him a better person
@@PolkaDocs "there's no place for it in a healthy relationship" that was the statement you were disagreeing with and using your relationship as an example of to dispute that statement... you may have used it in a healthy way, but you did it in an unhealthy relationship... which still makes that original statement of "there's no place for it in a healthy relationship" valid... because if you have a healthy relationship you would never have to resort to that tactic, even if you are doing it in a healthy way... in healthy relationships it's an unnecessary tactic... In a nutshell, you used an unhealthy relationship to prove the point about healthy relationships that you were intially trying to disprove
It's 2024. You gotta know a very large portion of listeners are on their phone with headphones. Please please please stop having extremely loud into music right at the beginning of videos.
Solution to your problem would be to turn down your volume before playing videos on TH-cam and it doesn’t matter what year it is 🤔 my advice is free and i need nothing in return 👍🏻
Individuals who exhibit Machiavellian traits are not necessarily always on the wrong side. They may fight for noble causes, but still manipulate others.
Unfortunately for dark triad’s who think I’m easy to manipulate don’t know my whole life i was surrounded by manipulators and eventually I’ve learnt how they do it but unfortunately for me all my life I’ve had problems after problems with fall and more fall. So when a new manipulation comes along trying to manipulate they fail miserably and are surprised how i know things I’m not supposed to with my level of education but life experience will always beat any education read from a text book because a text book doesn’t give you the experience in driving a car physically on the road🙂
most of time will be manipulated by someone that did it like one of your family members. Because it feels like love to us. otherwise you will recognize they are doing it. but may not know how to handle, this guy just gave you what you needed if you can hear what he just said. say out loud to yourself then it will get wired in your brain's
In summary: A person who finds themselves in a trap sometimes learns behaviors which in any other context could then be called macheveillianism. Like for example pretending to be asleep or dying first when they are not in hopes of later after their captors are asleep then getting away. Perhaps that is why some indigenous people got buried next to their favorite only ever harvesting or cooking tools only out of respect for their elders. People with the personality trait called Macheveillianism in contrast behave in patterns that are predictable in any context once one or more people have their number.
It is hard to hang on and not confront the situation…us truth tellers and whistle blowers find being in close proximity to these manipulators horrendous indeed.
"Don't fight emotional battles". That's a very good point
How to protect yourself from manipulators?
Trust your intuition. Set clear boundaries. Don't give in to pressure. Seek support.
Walk away if necessary...
That's not always possible. If you ever get sick, injured, or otherwise compromised you're still going to deal with people who don't wish you a speedy recovery. If you don't know how to recognize and respond you might never recover. And, sometimes, it's for no other reason than you were convinced you to act against your own best interests. Don't limit your perception of where power addicts sit. They're anywhere they think they'll get a sense of power. Cheers.
This is fine AFTER you realize it but what about before?
The problem with master manipulators is they are often good at bypassing your intuition and making you think your intuition is either unreliable or is telling you to believe them. So many people follow manipulators simply because their intuition tells them to.
@@DoyConocimiento-zq4kr a lot of people mistake trauma responses for intuition... that feeling of "this feels right" is often "this feels familiar therefore I'm ok here" but in reality it's a repeating pattern of being manipulated... a lot of people who have trauma have trouble differentiating manipulators from genuinely safe people and they call it intuition
those people would rather be feared than loved. They excel in manipulation but sabotaging them makes them fear you more than they love you. people that love them are to be controlled. when the manipulator is fearfull for your strenght, they have to act accordingly which will make them walk on eggshells instead of you. which is the spot you want to excell in. otherwise, find a different job.
Great to meet with you at TEDx and so glad I got to see this talk in person. Many people feel like it’s their fault when they engage with a manipulator and begin to question their own self-worth. These tips help to put them back on the track to empowerment and trusting themselves again. What a unique way to take back control especially in situations when you can’t immediately get out of interacting with them (like if they’re a co-worker). Thanks so much Dr. Jones for your unique perspective!
🎯 Key points for quick navigation:
00:03 *🗣️ Manipulation is common, and many people don't realize they're being manipulated.*
01:07 *🧠 Understanding manipulation is crucial for protection.*
02:02 *📚 The study of manipulative traits like psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism has a fragmented history.*
02:30 *📖 Machiavellianism involves strategic and cautious manipulation for power.*
03:24 *🌟 The "dark triad" refers to psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism.*
04:05 *👿 Psychopathy is considered dangerous but lacks long-term strategic planning.*
04:46 *🦁 Machiavellianism is like a lion planning its attack; it's strategic and long-term.*
06:09 *🕵️♂️ Machiavellians act strategically, unlike impulsive psychopaths or ego-driven narcissists.*
06:36 *📈 Individuals high in Machiavellianism cope better under destructive leadership and get promoted more often.*
07:31 *🛡️ It's important to defend against manipulation without becoming manipulative.*
08:10 *♟️ Treat interactions with manipulative people like a chess match, focusing on external gains.*
08:36 *❄️ "CBR" method: Cold (emotionally guarded), Bottom line (focus on goals), Rational (outcome-oriented).*
09:22 *💸 Treat manipulative people based on their utility, not as friends.*
10:20 *👫 These tactics are for dealing with manipulative individuals, not for healthy relationships.*
11:14 *🛠️ Recognizing and dealing with manipulation is crucial; future research should focus on practical solutions.*
12:06 *🧩 Using the CBR method helps manage manipulation until one can escape the situation.*
Thank you.
Doing the Lord's work 😂❤ thank you for this
Thank you so much bro
Thank you so much ❤ I hope you are NOT 🚫 on this situation 🙏🏾
Thank you
I learned this alone in life. "Look at the world for what it is and not what we want it to be" -an Intellectual that I can't remember his name.
Robert Greene?
Maya Angelou?
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” - Maya Angelou
E. Lockhart
The Dude (The Big Lebowski)... ?
This talk captivated both me and my teenager! A topic people of all ages need and can relate to, supported by research that will help many. Congrats Dan!
Dealt with a person like this for years. They played a long game and pretended to be a friend and the nicest person so any accusations were met with skepticism. I’m so glad I walked away from that toxicity.
Outstanding talk, Dan! I have thought about this often while dealing with difficult personalities. Thank you for sharing your work in this area!
People that gaslight etc can make you feel like you are actually going crazy. Even to the point of telling lies about you to everyone else to turn them against you then swoop in on their prey .you have to be very strong in self esteem to withstand the harm.
I was working with someone on a voluntary committee- she love bombed me at the outset, which made me wary. Then i got this strong intuition she was lying so i tested it & yes she was slick & whoppers.
Her intention was to control, minimise listening to me, undermining my knowledge & experience- all the while insisting we were friends.
She also loved drama and stirring it up.
It was wearing & demoralising.
She also was super defensive about criticism, so you couldn't say a contractor was not doing the job without blow back via a personal attack.
She really overstepped when i did criticise a contractor- she deliberately set me up by saying something innocuous but threatening, so when i reacted, she could humiliate and gaslight me.
I used that opportunity to simply block her number & get my peace of mind back - instead of going along with all her shenanigans for the sake of the work.
She complains others don't do the work, but what she really wants is a bunch of yes people who do what she tells them. She's incapable of working collegially.
Damn, sounds like she switched genders and joined my company 😂
I have volunteered in a lot of organizations. More often than not, one person designates themselves the “Grand Poopaw”and starts bossing everyone around, criticizing our efforts and securing all the desirable tasks. I’ll try 2-3 times to reach a workable strategy/compromise but if that doesn’t work, I’m out. Life is too short to tolerate someone’s insecurities and mean behavior. Those organizations always seem to be looking for volunteers. I can’t imagine why! (snark)
@sfc5774 very interesting, thanks. I naively thought volunteering would involve meeting nice people! This wasn't the first time I ran into particularly horrible people in such a situation.
Also,.met some very unpleasant individuals in art classes and French class.
wasn't Meghan Markle was it? LOL
Such important information here. Dan explains how people use manipulation and what those being manipulated can do about it in a simple way that everyone can understand and use.
Words to keep in mind at all times-
"What's in it for him/you/them/me?"
And often the answers surprise you.
My experience: I was married to a covert NARCISSIST, with a child!!
This is a great perspective, actually! Thanks for sharing!!
You should read a book by Debbie Merza. She did everyone a favour by writing about Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissists in particular.
this is why we need intro to critical thinking in high schools
A lost art ❤
Depends on who writes the text books.
I tottaly agree
Even younger grades need this!!😳
Great job, Dan! I learned things from this talk that I am already putting to use.
Didn't realize I was being manipulated by a mentor in my industry for 2 years until one day I got a weird feeling that he was taking advantage of my kindness and talents. Around that time I had also formed a new connection with another industry mentor who helped confirm my suspicions, so I immediately cut ties with the manipulative person without explanation other than "I don't have time for our project anymore because work and life" something vague and short along those lines and he didn't even ask any questions or try to keep me by his side, he probably realized I could finally see right through him.
Doesn't sound right. If they truly were manipulating you, they would have tried to talk you out of it to the point where work and life wouldn't matter as much as that project. What benefit did the other mentor get out of it 😂
I've realized the more sorry i was about my boundaries the more appealing i became to manipulative people... I'm not sorry anymore. You don't like my boundaries, then we're not gonna have good vibes anyway. I'm OK with you targeting someone else with your drama, and I'm happy to be alone with my peace ✌️
You can never manipulate a manipulator. They are masters who spent their whole life using and refining this skill. A normal person will always lose. We are not equipped to think like them
That is what my ex who is the dark triad Machiavellian said to me once I cought on very similar don’t even try because others & he have been doing this all their life and you are clueless your best bet is to stay yourself be nice and pleasant company and hope one of them likes having you around or doesn’t see interest to exercise their manipulation for nastiness on you although he did eventually.
All true except the spelling of lose
@ilovecanines I'm French, I make spelling mistakes sometimes ;) thanks!
You can. You really can, depending on what scale they are on.
You don't have to out manipulate them. You can learn to divorce your emotions and cut your losses.
Dan, thank you for naming what I could not as I was confused with psychopathy. Now I got her, I can explain to those who 'can't see' better.
These concepts seem interesting and potentially useful when dealing with someone in a position of power within my family.
I appreciate your perspective. I hope integration with therapy, self-education of emotional intelligence and practice practice practice may help me connect beyond the manipulator in my family and remain empathic with those around us.
I see knowledge as good and helpful especially when needed to understand a n unhealthy relationship. I still mourn the loss of innocence that comes with it.
I feel manipulated by the video title... the talk doesnt actually deliver this info at all.
😂😂😂 dead
Not even a minute in, and I already relate too hard. 😢 Backstabbing is a sport where I come from. It’s sickening to see and experience.
This "CBR" is eye-opening. Thank you...
Thank-you, thank-you, THANK-YOU!
GREAT subject!!
Thank you!
Never poison your future with the pain of your past. 🖤⚘️
I've listened to this talk and I don't feel that much of it is given over to answering the question of "how do you recognise a master manipulator?"
Disagreeing with them or telling them no will usually expose them. They hate being told no, so observe the person's reaction to your boundaries.
1:55
I’m about to hop off right at this point.
He sounds like a shopping network salesman.
.
.
He coining actions very manipulative so I’m out.
@@abigailandino6251 Well, yeah... because sometimes you have no choice but to fight fire with fire and he makes a point that these tactics do not belong in healthy relationships so they are a last resort if you are backed into a corner... I wish I had understood this 20 years ago so instead of wasting years and years trying to forge a healthy relationship with my mother I could then instead identify her traits better and utilise the corner she had backed me into as a temporary resource to get myself and my son away from her in the long term... instead, she destroyed my life, my finances, and my health... I wish I had learned to fight fire with fire instead of being the goddam fire truck always putting out fires
@@joedaley6031 I agree it’s more how to respond to a manipulator. Once you have spotted one 🤷♀️😅. Wrong title I think too.
I was manipulated into watching this video
I think this is interesting in all, but I think it is so much more important for society these days to start recognizing how they as individuals are unconsciously manipulative. Everybody does it every single day, very few will admit it. Of course it's not always for selfish reasons, but it does happen. The most cunning manipulation of our species has been the manipulation of self to believe that we do not manipulate at all
The very nature of humans is to manipulate... from childhood we learn early how to get what we want... on a first date, we are manipulating someone to see us in the way we want them to see us... at a job interview we are manipulating someone to hire us over other candidates, etc... it just depends on how far some people take this manipulation
Yes, I agree! I have been trying to identify when I do this to others. I'm sickened at how often I actually do and then feel I'm misunderstood if blamed for manipulation. I think recognizing it in ourselves and focusing on improving that, would be a game changer socially.
The difference between manipulation & influence though theybmake look similar isnthe intention. Manipulators intentionally want you to lose
@@theexotic2983 may feel like semantics but I think it's more about they want to win, the thought of the other person losing isn't even in their minds, it's just about how they feel, their need for control, their need to feel superior, etc... what the other person feels or experiences I don't believe even comes into their perspective
A person can have high social intelligence and come off as manipulative, but not necessarily be unethical or immoral, like a therapist for example.
"Selfishness" can just be about a person getting their needs met.
The questions to ask is if they do things at another's expense for their own benifit, do they have a sense of morality and ethics.
This is one of those talks where the speaker repeatedly says I am about to tell you something awesome and then the video ends.
Keep dark triad people out of your life. Your life can literally depend on this. Family or spouse are typically the worst because they are hardest to leave. Colleagues are bad, but you can leave your job.
It's sad that we have these people to deal with.
Helping the mental health is serious responsibility.
Everyone needs help.
SOSSTSE VOICES OF HOPE.❤❤❤
This is definitely a topic we need more of in today's world. I wish he would have talked longer, or make a part ll, lll and so on! Thank you Sir! Job well done. I need a survivor guide to help me right now; until I can get away on the DL... THEY ARE SCARY, CRINGE WITH NO SOUL. AGE DOESN'T APPLY BC IN MY OPINION; THEY GET WORSE WITH AGE AND REALIZE THEY'RE ALONE. THEIR OWN FAMILY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. THEY'RE SICKOS AND CRUEL.
Prior to viewing this Tedx talk, I used the CBR method to deal with an individual at work. This video is confirmation that I took the correct steps only after i exhausted all other approaches!
It’s actually not the master manipulator but the sheer number of low-integrity people that wear you down. Statistically speaking.
Flying monkeys
I hate them
I had to rewatch the second half. Noting CBR to put it into practice! Thank you
There seems to be a lot of master manipulators down here in the comment section.
Ur one of them 😊
You manipulated me to reply
@@hamzahalmajtoomi Found one.
@@itzhexen0 fortnite
😂😂😂
This was awesome !
learn to "pull-tha-trigga on tha trigga man" as my friend used to say😂
Thanks for sharing 🙏
Beautiful lecture. Truth. Finally machs given their due. Problem with execution of said tactics is you don't have cognitive empathy only like machs. Emotional empathy is a weakness in this scenario. Also machs can compartmentalize which is a plus that helps with stress
You are perfectly correct. Life is all mind games. If you read this short CIA story set in Cameroon, did Colonel Mvodo subtly infiltrate Agent
Lasso's mind? How come did it become so difficult for Lasso to let go of stoicism? Donald Besong's writing style is so mesmerising.
While there are numerous themes in this short paperback story, but its sub-theme of psychological games intrigues me a lot.
Oh, I forgot to tell you the title: Bleeding Stubs (by Besong).
You are doing the Lords work my man!!!! This is so good!!!!!!
Please
after watching the whole video I am no closer to understand whn im being manipulates or able to idetify manipulators
So sad that the world is like this.
It’s usually someone close to you, they know how to use your emotional involvement within the relationship you have with them. You might care too much and not know when to when to pull back maybe in fear of loosing the “friendship relationship” you have with them. It’s best to not engage, the older I get the more I can see this ability to manipulate and the way people can try to manipulate for whatever reason or end they witch to achieve. It is hard to be a middle age man and realize you have “friendships/relationships” you have to distance yourself from, these are people I have known for 30 years, but the truth is it’s not that I don’t care about them but I have to care about myself and my family more than the “friendship/relationship” I have with them. I don’t wanna feel like I’m a “better person” but these people have a loop in their lives that constantly hold them back from progressing in life, and I don’t want to surround myself letting those people extinguish the passion I have to progressing in my live and reaching and accomplishing my dreams.
Truth be told you can't exactly detect a master manipulator until it's too late to be fair
Fantastic! ❤
CBR is something I utilize, I use the term Grey Rock. I have a video 5 Tips to stop a bully, kids use this technique and it works well and empowers them ❤❤
I wrote a list of boundaries with every possible manipulation tactic I could find… manipulation stuck out like a sore thumb after that.
can you provide the list please?
The problem with this is a true Machiavellian person will use this response to their advantage also. The cold rational behaviour they know you will intuitively be concerned with not being manipulative and so find a way to point out how you are being unempathetic or manipulative even if you aren’t and those of us who have empathy will worry and we don’t have on off switches. Really boundaries is what we can do. And working to respect our own boundaries and practicing reinforcing them in ways which match our own integrity. Focus on you. Don’t work hard on them and interacting with them beyond this as this is also part of their “win”.
This is a good point. When a manipulator sees you change from empathic to cold their counter move will likely be to play the victim and press your empathy (“C’mon, blah blah blah”). When you hold your ground and stick to the bottom line they may make you out to be the aggressor and double down on their victimhood. Maybe throw a mini tantrum. You respond with rationality and comes the threat, “I’’m gonna tell ….”
@@danielburns8548 great joy comes from imagining throwing grown tantrums and it not getting scary. Just in public. Might as well they’ll call ya crazy somehow anyway hehe. And thanks 😊.
Based of the past election results... I believe that more of America shoulda watched this.
@billyminilli Yes, the Democrats & M S M were highly manipulative, narcissistic hypocrites. Their favorite tool: Projection. A party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars...No Not Here!! Yet somehow, there are still gaslit followers who believe & there's not anything u or anyone can do or say that will ever change their minds.
Yeh, A party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars...No Not Here!
Yeh, a party that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border invasion, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars... No Not Here!
Yeh, A par ty that spent $1.2 Billion to manipulate using countless deceptive ads & paid for celebrity rallies. Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes, there's NO inflation here, NO border crisis, surging crime, fentanyl drugs, deaths, homelessness, unemployment, Wars... No Not Here!
Iam a Camadian and our prime minister is one
An important thing to realize is that dark triad types tend to team up with other dark triad types, especially in the workplace. It may be best to move to a different work group or change companies, rather than try to cope with them. They are sadistic and competitive, and never change.
You are sooo smart
Thank you for the insight 🙏👍
I prefer to play along and when they least expect it, flip the scrip completely
I’d like to see a TED talk that addresses everyone on the spectrum of manipulation
Literally just ignored someone like this away today
Cold
Bottom line
Rational
Not getting the manipulated to respond in like manner is a great sorting tool …. But extremely difficult to sort without it….. hold steady!!!! ❤ c u
it is a good outlook, but the title is promising a bit more than it is, but that just shows we need more common knowledge about these characters.
Thank you, Dan! Helpful!
This should be taught in schools …
6:00 three types, 8:50 charm as a weapon, 10:00
👏
Good Video!! 👏😃
Let's manipulate the manipulator strategically.... brilliant 👍
*I just noticed some of the other videos suggested in relation to this video are about "Persuasion", "How to get more", "How to be influential", "Prevent emotions from dictating my actions", etc. Sounds like a bunch of manipulators.*
I wrote this in response to another comment but it applies here: The very nature of humans is to manipulate... from childhood we learn early how to get what we want... on a first date, we are manipulating someone to see us in the way we want them to see us... at a job interview we are manipulating someone to hire us over other candidates, etc... it just depends on how far some people take this manipulation and whether or not it's done in an honest way or in a dishonest harmful way
I would consider myself an intelligent individual but I just got "played" by a lady who lost her husband and used his death as a way to use me for everything that she wanted but I have her number NOW because she rented me a room for way more that I should have paid and is not allowed to rent rooms in her house by HOA regulations!!!! She has NO idea that I am onto her and is about to see HER situation go against her on a number of levels!! Game Over!!! :)-
If you do anything to get back at her. She will be such a victim, “all men are,,,,,ect”
After my marriage of 28 years ended. She pulled the plug. It was expected, that I would stay in the basement. Because it would be handy, to have me around, to fix things. and she can’t stand to be alone.
We get along fine as separate entities, because she now misses me.
Oops.
The manipulator in my life tried to get inside my head to figure out how to hurt me, and she ended up in psychological distress when I revealed my deepest traumas to her. She had a breakdown. As far as I know she is still out of work and hasn’t recovered. Best trauma dump I ever took.
I try to filter manipulators through the lens of my trauma. It would be very easy for me to put someone in distress through a trauma dump as well - and that is why I don’t share anything with anyone. Nobody can hold anything over me or against me. And conversely they can’t accuse me of manipulation through a victim story.
I admit I hurt a stranger once. He did a trauma dump. It didn't hurt me, he was an a**, but I did decide he was already dealing with enough.
But the equation is different for family. The ones who try the "oh my trauma" are the ones who I know gleefully hurt other people, so I am unmoved. Everybody has problems.
This is soo needed
Being cold to people is bad
Excellent strategy!
This is what I tell my daughters, ignore the idiots and think about the money, you are there for the money. Do your job the best you can and think about the money not the idiots. And sooner or later their reckoning day will come. Because those kind of people are like that with most of the people. And most of them get fired. I seen this happen many times.
What if your parent is The manipulator ? By the way I learned more from the comments than the talk. Although I heard for the first time the concept of The triad- psychopath, narcissist, manipulators. Thank you for that.
OMG. My last boyfriend- the political consultant.😮 This makes total sense. Thank you for comparing these traits! I see it now.
I confess: I am manipulative. I read Sun Tzu's 'Art of war' like a bible and I really do like the 48 laws of power compilation. Yet I say to myself: I do not do this just for an ego trip. I want to get things done. I really like to cooperate and try to mentally get into the other's shoes to be able to respect other's positions and paradigms. I am much more likely to help others than to enhance my own profit. Yet without a good plan, strategic thinking and some elegant rethorics you are much less likely to succeed. I want to help building a world that is worth living in - not only myself but also for others. And the most helpful people in the process are those that criticise me the most. After all, I live in my bubble and without input of people living different lives, thinking differently and pursue other paths of morality I would have difficulty to determine where I stand and if the direction I want to go is correct. Does this make me a master manipulator? Probably not. But I do use just the same tools.
What position do you have in your profession?
the lion you don't see. the blow that will knock you out is the one you don't see
I think I understand myself better thank you
Ignore. Avoid. Shun.
This is the way forward.
or just simply staying alone is, eliminates any or all potential bs
there is always a choice between what profits you right now and your soul. ethics and morality don't pay well in dollars but pay really well in inner peace.
Okay... So I agree 99%. I have actually done a lot of this with my ex who I question if he was a sociopath. I'm extremely empathetic but also very rational. The one thing I don't agree on is: there's no place for it in a healthy relationship. If you do it right, I disagree. But, I was also still very honest and addressed emotional things as well (rationally) and didn't sweep that under the rug. And I know I made my ex think and won many battles this way that I'm sure planted lil seeds in his mind opening him up to change, as niave as it may sound to some.
One tiny example... He'd get verbally abusive sometimes, so I'd always address the behavior itself rather than reacting too much to the things he would say about me. I'd turn it back around on him to make him reflect. He'd get very frustrated that his insults didn't effect me much. He even complained about it once saying something like "except you don't even care [what I say about you]!" Me: "well... Why would I want to let those things bother me?" *Him being confused and stopping to think*: "well... Why do I care them? [The things I say about him] me: "idk! Why do you???"
So if you do it with emotional intelligence, I think you can also help someone else to learn emotional intelligence. But it can't be in a patronizing way, it has to be so rational and lead them to make the realizations on their own. The hardest part was not getting caught up in my own emotions and being reactive rather than responsive like he says... This took time. But the more I saw through him and understood him, the easier it became. I got pretty good at getting through to him at times, and I know I'll be in his head for a long time to come.. even if I did eventually have to just walk away, as I felt like it was time. My intuition told me I did enough and the best I could do for him now was push him out of the nest.. because after a certain point, it can be enabling to be there for someone endlessly without making them to the work themselves after you know they know better. Time to fly on your own lil birdie.
Thank you for sharing. Found this more helpful than the video itself.
@@jacobjakfu thank you!
Yeah... still not buying it... you wouldn't have had to resort to any of that if he was a healthy partner... your example jsut highlighted the fact that you need to fight fire with fire, no where did it demonstrate how you used it in a healthy relationship... and it wasn't your job to make him a better person
@@soulfuljuiciness so then how did I use it in an unhealthy way? And I never said he was the healthiest person and what person is 100% healthy?
@@PolkaDocs "there's no place for it in a healthy relationship" that was the statement you were disagreeing with and using your relationship as an example of to dispute that statement... you may have used it in a healthy way, but you did it in an unhealthy relationship... which still makes that original statement of "there's no place for it in a healthy relationship" valid... because if you have a healthy relationship you would never have to resort to that tactic, even if you are doing it in a healthy way... in healthy relationships it's an unnecessary tactic...
In a nutshell, you used an unhealthy relationship to prove the point about healthy relationships that you were intially trying to disprove
10:56 No because you didn’t explain Machiavellianism. That may have been useful for understanding it.
The People that want to control others , dont have control in their own personal lives .
Welp either my phone is really good at listening or something else thats way less likely but i needed this so much today like this exact topic.
I think everyone should take the Dark Triad test online.
I’ll post the link to the test in the comments
..You did not post it.
@@krishadyn5211 my bad
The worst are lawyers , i am with a disbarred lawyer. He is horrible
He needs to come to my workplace. Guarantee a lot of coworkers would laugh at him..
It's 2024. You gotta know a very large portion of listeners are on their phone with headphones. Please please please stop having extremely loud into music right at the beginning of videos.
9:15 or eating microphone
Solution to your problem would be to turn down your volume before playing videos on TH-cam and it doesn’t matter what year it is 🤔 my advice is free and i need nothing in return 👍🏻
The fact that nobody talks about the forbidden book Mareska Manipulation on Vexoner speaks volumes about how people are stuck in a trance
9.03 very helpful idea
I think I am in danger now😢
I appreciate this talk but I also don't understand the extreme solution still. I'll watch again.
Agreed…. I think the entire first half of the video was telling us that there’s a problem….
CBR Cold, Bottom Line & Rational tools
Individuals who exhibit Machiavellian traits are not necessarily always on the wrong side. They may fight for noble causes, but still manipulate others.
Unfortunately for dark triad’s who think I’m easy to manipulate don’t know my whole life i was surrounded by manipulators and eventually I’ve learnt how they do it but unfortunately for me all my life I’ve had problems after problems with fall and more fall. So when a new manipulation comes along trying to manipulate they fail miserably and are surprised how i know things I’m not supposed to with my level of education but life experience will always beat any education read from a text book because a text book doesn’t give you the experience in driving a car physically on the road🙂
The problem is that every work environment works like this.
I know he studied me before he met me. 😑 And yes now learning their biggest weapon is weaponizing own emotions.
8:55 *So the advice on how to handle "manipulators" is to be heartless, selfish and goal-blinded??? Uh, so become a sociopath? ok.*
Just while dealing with them not in your whole life
most of time will be manipulated by someone that did it like one of your family members. Because it feels like love to us. otherwise you will recognize they are doing it. but may not know how to handle, this guy just gave you what you needed if you can hear what he just said. say out loud to yourself then it will get wired in your brain's
In summary: A person who finds themselves in a trap sometimes learns behaviors which in any other context could then be called macheveillianism. Like for example pretending to be asleep or dying first when they are not in hopes of later after their captors are asleep then getting away. Perhaps that is why some indigenous people got buried next to their favorite only ever harvesting or cooking tools only out of respect for their elders. People with the personality trait called Macheveillianism in contrast behave in patterns that are predictable in any context once one or more people have their number.
Failing to define manipulation correctly is manipulative
It is hard to hang on and not confront the situation…us truth tellers and whistle blowers find being in close proximity to these manipulators horrendous indeed.
Interesting.