To summarize it shortly: Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment. Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking. Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”
my grandparentrs adored each other and showed it in front of me all the time...they were my role model for love....that same quote from Sleepless In Seattle..that was them and that is my husband of 40yrs and I
Amazing to have experienced the grandparents love for you growing up. Even more amazing to hear about your 40th Anniversary. I was married for 28years, at the end before she filed for Divorce, she explained, it wasn’t me but her the party not content in the marriage, she explained she loved me but wasn’t in love with me…, it ripped my heart right out of my chest. It’s been 3 and a half years since we went each other’s way and looking forward in life for me today, I’m focusing on living one day at a time, bettering myself, taking care of my health, spiritually, mentally and physically and not focusing on women except my 3 daughters. I had chosen my ex as the woman for my journey and never made bad comparisons of bad wives and her, but still at the end, she pulled my life line away (Trust, Love and desire to serve) According to this video, she betrayed my trust because she was lonely, and it seems as if her bad behaviors should be forgiven…, well I had done just that but at the end, her feelings of loneliness didn’t by and stretch of the imagination, justify her lack of affection, bad behaviors and breaking of her husbands trust for her lack of desire to serve her husband as well as he served her. By the way, my ex wife had both parents to this day, still living together and they are the perfect picture of what love is. In the end, for having had my heart ripped out of my chest by the one woman I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t believe love is a feeling but instead, love is a choice, and after 3 yrs since my divorce, I can’t picture myself with a woman who believes that serving her husband as well as he serves her isn’t an option…, isn’t someone whom I want to be with. I’m happy alone for now, with a potential candidate I find desire to be with and serve and be served…, but I’m giving a little more time, because I’m starting to see the magic of great love is possible, because love isn’t a feeling, but a choice.
@@ayeshak6822 8:26 is one way he explains but he’s a relationship and family doctor if you go to his TH-cam and Instagram pages , podcasts, books, he’s been featured a multitude of times in the media and other researchers work.. he goes into great depth. “Turn toward your partner when they make a bid for attention” meaning look for ways to build and support instead of tear or win.
Starting at 12:14 -> "Mutual trust comes from when both partners are maximizing the benefits of both people, not just one's person benefit against the other person. So, I'm always thinking about how my wife sees things. I can walk into a kitchen now, after thirty years of marriage, and view that kitchen the way my wife would see it. So I can say [to myself she] would be upset by that, so I clean it up." This reminded me that my father told me decades ago that he washed the dishes he used before going to work when my mother wasn't around because he knew that it would upset her if he left them in the sink for her to clean. My parents went through a lot together. They made it seem like it was the only thing to do. My father also told me once that he was lucky to have her in his life, as he must have told her often enough. It was then hard for me to fathom the depth of his love for her. It is much easier for me now.
That is rly beautiful relationship between ur parents. I admire that. But as a kind of selfish person I am, it is hard for me to think others first. So for me one is better than two. Love is a such luxury stuff.
I'm happy, you have made up your mind and you are so sure about it. Hopefully you're not acting out of fear. Ultimately here you are watching this video. All the best 😊
9:00 physiological calm 10:42 calm vs defense 11:25 measuring mutual trust 12:20 trust defined 13:10 magic also comes from building commitment; this is my journey = loyalty 14:30 mathematics of love. Measure dynamics analysis of relationship. Physiological, perception, and behavior 17:40 Theory of function outlined. Effect of positive and negative emotions = influence + repair early 19:10 Turning toward or away from partner. Two bunnies on beach vs storm in quadrants 26:00 intervention change the start up to get the 5:1 ratio
Thank you for writing this from your loving soft hand. Care about your hand, it's a most precious gift of God ever created only in human. No one like you. Whatever you do keep it up as you write this here. I am from India!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am also doing my P{h.D. Which is your thesis topic? I want to know about it! Thank you once again Honorable Kyra Gaunt Ph.D.. Are you belong from Spain or Russia? Please tell me about your country!
I've been a long-term supporter of his work. What's most important really is being aligned to each other and allowing the space to grow into individuals that are the best versions of themselves.
I wish my parents were like this man. He can do an analysis and calm discussion how to solve the problem. My parents don't bother with civility and just attacked each other like it was a battle between two titans.
@@1995yuda I became the opposite of my parents. I avoid conflicts at all costs especially if I'm upset because 99% of my regrets were committed when I was upset or angry. It helps to calm down when discussing issues
@@johnayala2540 I can totally relate on making bad decision when I'm angry or upset and later regretting them. I don't turn away fron conflicts though, I had the opposite effect... I drill them down to the core right then and there and won't let go until I understand the root cause and try to fix it. Funny how we both adopted different approaches to deal with this. When I first learned how to write an academic Essay in a Critical Thinking class my eyes were opened and I saw the fcking light; suddenly I realized how arguments are a tool to solve conflict, that you're supposed to be able to enter into both sides's "shoes" and see the world from their view, that you should be able to present a convincing persuasive arguement from both opposing sides, and only THEN can you see where the truth is, and to reveal it. Simply put, argue properly with the common goal of solving the conflict instead of fighting like the Titans you mentioned. Critical Thinking saved my life dude, check it out! Take care 🙏
same! my parents bickering and fought for years. I did the same with my ex. we were not a good match. these principles, powerful though they may be, cannot fix a bad match. only option is to abort!
Amazing talk. My husband and I did EFT therapy created by Sue Johnson based on Gottman's work. That was 7 years ago. We have had powerful and lasting results, and will celebrate our 24 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. His math is good. I think we literally wake up every morning more grateful for our relationship than the day before.
My notes on the science of love: 3 factors of love: Commitment - cherish partner, notice good things about them, excitement about future, double down on staying together, loyalty. Trust - interest in each other, know how the other will feel, do nice things for each other. Calm - Shared humor, understanding, gentle, reassuring, listening. Avoid negative emotions - 5x more positivity to negativity. anger, sadness, fear, hostility, disappointment, making comparisons between partner and real or imagined alternatives, betrayal.
“Let us have love and more love; a love that melts all opposition, a love that conquers all foes, a love that sweeps away all barriers, a love that aboundeth in charity, a large-heartedness, tolerance, forgiveness and noble striving, a love that triumphs over all obstacles.” - Abdu'l-Bahá
Rather than a "magic" I love the very scientific approach to a relationship using a more problem-solving, rational approach as that really is what it is all about: solving problems.
Rather than the approach i myself am trying to find out if love is an instinctual thing to humans to assure the survival of the species or if love is something that we as individuals want to do. This is just something i want to find out i just sometimes have randumb thoughts
@@b-ner2616 in my humble opinion, it is rather a behavior that humans as species adapted over thousands of years to help their (our) survival. However, it may be more of an instinct if you look at mother and baby relationship, since formation of emotional attachment is critical for human babies survival.
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
I mean, depends on your definition of magic. I have a relationship like this, and we call it "magic" regularly, but that's because it seems so rare to find that. It's "magic" in that you feel so incredibly lucky to have this rare thing. It's the same as how people use the word "lucky". Like I can say "I'm so lucky I found you" and I don't mean I literally mean 'luck has brought us together'. I mean, "Damn, how in the world did I get such a rare thing?? How fortunate I am!". And even in that, I'm not saying I believe "fortune has brought you to me". I'm expressing gratitude for having something a lot of ppl don't have"
One thing he doesn’t talk about as far as the calm aspect, is that when one is dealing with a verbally abusive, negative, and untrustworthy spouse, it is difficult to ever be calm because you are always on guard. I’ve known several people who have a spouse that have the four negative Gottman horsemen, and all of them have difficulty being able to ever relax. The negative affects of living with someone like this over long periods of time takes such a toll on one’s nervous system that a once very “calm” person can not relax. I have a friend who works with battered women. She was also abused and had to escape her husband to a shelter. She has MS and says all the women she now works with in this shelter seem to have the same symptoms. I believe their nerves get worn out and would love to see more talk and research done on this.
I was in abusive relationship 20 years. Their is actually research. You can look up dr “Gabor Mate”. He’s a doctor. Focus on immune system. Patients with trauma, ptsd, abuse. But their is hope and healing for those who are survivors
Janine Laurenti thank you Janine. It started with forgiveness for myself and for my ex husband second. Then my body healed itself. Research shows that unforgiveness releases toxins into the body. My mind, body and heart are all healed. It’s been 3 years. I love my new life of freedom. Here’s a take. Forgive is for ourselves. We get our power back by releasing “forgiving” those who hate hurt us emotionally. They no longer have that “power” over us.
Marie Soto Thank you Marie. Yes, forgiveness is key to healing. Since I have been able to separate myself some years back and then more recently to finally permanently get out, I can feel my body healing. I for awhile wasn’t even surviving. Now I feel more normal energy levels and am living again. I did choose to forgive, but could no longer be at the receiving end of it all. I too have been loving being free. For me it was just going to be enough to be out of it and be free, but since, life just keeps getting sweeter which I didn’t expect. There is hope. So happy to hear your survivor story Marie. Dr. Gabor Mate has a lot of TH-cam talks I’ve been enjoying. Thank you for telling me about him.
Starting at 18:00 -> The influence function told me a lot about where I went wrong in one relationship. Starting at 19:30 -> The influence function in phase space looks like a splendid way to find where the attractors are and how to aim for the first quadrant and stay clear of the third quadrant. I would venture that trust brings commitment, which in turn brings calm, but this is only a conjecture.
Wanting and trying to maintain relationships in perpetuity has to be the greatest source of self inflicted suffering a human being will ever endure in their lifetime.
Great video! For those who want the highlights, there were a lot of encouraging things: 1 Loneliness is the major cause of cheating - if you don’t want them to cheat make sure they’re not lonely 2 Calm Trust and Commitment were the biggest positive predictors of staying together (think about things you can do to secure these)
I'm better off single. I prioritize myself. I have to learn to love myself first. Many kinds of relationships. Those relationships with other friends and family sustain me. I am 60+ I don't figure out having another relationship in my life. I'm tired.
So basically...if an argument/disagreement/conflict happens, remember why you stuck around with this person in the first place and realise it's just a hurdle to get over?
My take from my recent relationship ending it that.. no matter how much you love someone, love on itself does not conquer all. And treating your partner how you'd like to be treated, and expecting them to see that and treat you the same.. is BS. They won't notice and give you the same respect, so I left. It goes unnoticed and I believe that person was simply just going to act the way he did regardless of anything.
All good things considered, I think the most important piece is missing from the talk: what is the attractor in a given situation and how can we influence where it is. This practical piece is needed.
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
This scientific study is in fact about relationships, not about love. Love is an ingredient in relationships, but only if we actively bring it there. True love is the thoughts and deeds of benevolence, which understandably is good to have in relationships. Trust is born in an atmosphere of true love, and so is calm and commitment (the magic triangle). These all come to life surrounded by a feeling of security, which in turn is awakened by - you guessed it: true love. If the relation lacks a two-sided will to think and act benevolently, it will most probably fail. So "the love equations" aren't of love, either, but of relationships. Love doesn't need any equations to be understood, it's so simple. It's all about attention, acceptance, care, nurturing, affection and healthy boundaries. It's positive energy from a source to a target. You either express love or you don't. Psychologically healthy individuals tend to express love, so if you don't, then there probably is something in yourself you need to heal. But that's another story.
@@ayeshak6822 He has about 40 years of intensive research in the field as a scientist and he invented a whole system with books, videos and workshops. You're just an A-hole
Not certain about the points made but ,if anyone else wants to learn about help with marriage problems try Bablim Relationship Booster (just google it ) ? Ive heard some unbelievable things about it and my work buddy got great success with it.
Very lovely talk. I need to get "into his work". Loved listening to Mr.Gottman. Greetings from a young stud from Germany!! And thank you TEDxTalks for the stage you "give" to these interesting personalities.
People I meet are forging relationships with he wrong person. You have to forgo the wrong ones and wait for the right one. This is just how you have to play it. It can take 10 months or 10 years, but if you hook up with the wrong person, you will fail. Gottman screened 60 women and waited for the sixtyoneth and she was the one, my advice is to wait for the sixtyoneth
"Love is the state in which man sees things most of all as they are 'not'. The illusion-creating force is there at its height, likewise the sweetening and 'transforming' force. One endures more when in love than one otherwise would, one tolerates everything..." - FWN
This is a vital piece. A similar book I read ushered me into a new understanding. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
How do you measure commitment? If both people are committed and want the relationship to work then all these other things help. There must be a question there. If there is no commitment you are not going anywhere.
Commitment is just one factor in a long, healthy relationship. In order for any relationship to last forever, there really is just one simple rule: both individuals decide to stick together and never break up. But if you want to be *happily* together forever, that's where the other factors come in.
Marriage and love are talk about by our parents how truly love works my parents were lived with great respect and care for each other's lives seeing them and they told me that one day you will meet women she may be good or bad and If you can't handle it you will end up drunk so be strong my son they said that was like reinforcement to me and I see myself as a strong man and good human being that's true me ❤ I'm ❤
Marriage today are taken for granted many young people are getting married for financial purposes or they think it will solve everything. People are not taking the time and making the effort to recall a marriage as committing to one soul “I do”
Marriage today? As opposed to marriage back in the day that was totally about love and not money and was often arranged by parents?... :D I say people these days get married for financial reasons way less often than they used to, in the West especially since women can get just as good of an income as men these days.
Yes TRUE. I'm in from South India here parents also see the financial stability only and they are not give right to child select their partner,here we have to get married of our parents choice 😞 here parents always want their relatives and society acceptance not their children happiness 😢😥
The only thing he said that isn't true is that he isn't very intelligent. I call bs. This is AMAZING work! I have been steeped in this work for over a decade and I continue to learn more and more each time he or Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman speaks. What a gamechanger for the world!
@@maxdetrickster6524 Oh I know. I'm just absolutely enamoured with them. I am all for self-deprecating humour, as it's my most used currency, but they are brilliant!
interesting to hear about his sharings even though I've never fallen in love with anyone and just been on my journey to discover love and look for the best match in my life. Dear me, please improve yourself and promote your self-love before entering any love relationship, build up and practice calmness from now as well.
I'd like (ideal) examples of this critical parameter of the "Startup" predictor. I'm guessing it is "hey, i'd like to have a tough conversation with you to work out this problem" versus... yelling and accusing?
from other talks i’ve seen, i think your wording can feel to a partner like getting in trouble. the way we felt as kids when our parents said sit down we are going to have a talk. instead, i’ve seen the recommendation to say firstly that you love them, either to them OR to yourself, then say “i feel ____” followed by “i wish _____” and finally, a “can you help me?” or “what do you think?” in this way a partner can feel like they GET to fix the problem, not like it’s already surpassed their reach.
I think it just comes back to his idea of being calm. When you're calm you approach others in an overall better way than when you are upset/frustrated.
Actually, my bf does that and, initially, it’s quite irritating to my emotional way of dealing with things, but after a few minutes (15-45), we actually start to come to a workable conclusion or plan for working out the problem. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
I literally just thanked my husband for fixing something and he complained that I turned the light off!! (The light was left on by me!) 😂😂😂 I don’t even know why I try!
This could be an illuminating look into your relationship patterns and what you could do so that you both end up in quadrant 1 as happy bunnies on the beach...see part about washing the dishes lol. Try to practice empathy, be grateful that he helps you, keep calm, remember why you love him, respond in a loving way and do things to make him happy too :)
@21:31 he introduces the idea of "attractor(s)". What are the some examples of positive, and negative attctors? They seem to be the real determinants of conversations, and thus relationships (?)
@@kevinwilson3337 abaolutely not. I have been privaliged enough to have seen it in my family. My grand partents (from both sides) and my parents, all is true unconditional love. Im very sorry for you this world has lead to believe you this is 'an illusion'. I really hope you see this, and just consider it to be true, and take a chance on it in real life. If if works out, that was my purpose in life.
I recognice myself in the desciption of how love can be . Me and my girlfriend, after knowing each other for 45 years and falling in love with each other 11 years ago and we're still in love most of our time. There is no need to sqeeuze it into formulas that I dont understand. For me it takes a lot of the spontanity, the natural flow of love as I experience it. Like I said, I can not understand why some one is doing that. I'll show her the talk and ask her what she thinks.
Im a mathy person, so I love it. Its a great visual for me to hold in my mind as I maybe try to practice it. Of course there is a lot more to learn depending on on people's relationship skills. And one can always learn more.
He's doing it because he's trying to understand the dynamics of relationships that either succeed or fail over time. Not all relationships are like yours. Each is unique and his life's work is using the scientific method to apply towards a unique relationship to help people who love one another succeed ans grow together instead of divorce and end up not being able to communicate.
He emphasizes at several points the importance of "attractors" that pull you towards the negative or positive quadrants... but he never explains what those are! If the ultimate goal is being those "two bunnies on the beach", and getting there is the result of positive attractors... it seems a *little* important to clarify what those positive attractors look like based on the findings :P
@@S.A.S-Queen That's totally fair, but surely there's *some* generalized commonalities. For example, his 5 to 1 ratio. For every 1 negative experience, there's 5 positive. How "negative" and "positive" are defined will vary between couples, but they measure the positivity and negativity of the experiences *somehow*. So there must be some general way to measure the positivity and negativity of attractors.
Shared humor is powerful in reducing physiological arousal?did he say that right?I need to know if so because I think humor is something that is a must and my girlfriend agrees
![PASULOL รามเกียรติ์ ตอนที่ 4 นนทกพบรัก [Ramakien Ep.4: Nonthok in love]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/tMUQgmZzf_A/mqdefault.jpg)
What a lovely thing to do. He dedicated his life to learning about love
That's a really beautiful way to put it and you're right
interesting your comment
He must be a romantic at heart🥰.
To summarize it shortly:
Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment.
Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking.
Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants
Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”
Ty
My love language is when people’s words align with their actions.
Right 😂😂😂
😂😂🤣🤣
Lol. Bravo! basic to be a human, let alone induce love.
I don't see this enough
my grandparentrs adored each other and showed it in front of me all the time...they were my role model for love....that same quote from Sleepless In Seattle..that was them and that is my husband of 40yrs and I
Amazing to have experienced the grandparents love for you growing up. Even more amazing to hear about your 40th Anniversary.
I was married for 28years, at the end before she filed for Divorce, she explained, it wasn’t me but her the party not content in the marriage, she explained she loved me but wasn’t in love with me…, it ripped my heart right out of my chest. It’s been 3 and a half years since we went each other’s way and looking forward in life for me today, I’m focusing on living one day at a time, bettering myself, taking care of my health, spiritually, mentally and physically and not focusing on women except my 3 daughters. I had chosen my ex as the woman for my journey and never made bad comparisons of bad wives and her, but still at the end, she pulled my life line away (Trust, Love and desire to serve)
According to this video, she betrayed my trust because she was lonely, and it seems as if her bad behaviors should be forgiven…, well I had done just that but at the end, her feelings of loneliness didn’t by and stretch of the imagination, justify her lack of affection, bad behaviors and breaking of her husbands trust for her lack of desire to serve her husband as well as he served her.
By the way, my ex wife had both parents to this day, still living together and they are the perfect picture of what love is.
In the end, for having had my heart ripped out of my chest by the one woman I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t believe love is a feeling but instead, love is a choice, and after 3 yrs since my divorce, I can’t picture myself with a woman who believes that serving her husband as well as he serves her isn’t an option…, isn’t someone whom I want to be with.
I’m happy alone for now, with a potential candidate I find desire to be with and serve and be served…, but I’m giving a little more time, because I’m starting to see the magic of great love is possible, because love isn’t a feeling, but a choice.
Cool
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 8:26 is one way he explains but he’s a relationship and family doctor if you go to his TH-cam and Instagram pages , podcasts, books, he’s been featured a multitude of times in the media and other researchers work.. he goes into great depth. “Turn toward your partner when they make a bid for attention” meaning look for ways to build and support instead of tear or win.
i had great family to know love but i dont have a succesful love
Starting at 12:14 -> "Mutual trust comes from when both partners are maximizing the benefits of both people, not just one's person benefit against the other person. So, I'm always thinking about how my wife sees things. I can walk into a kitchen now, after thirty years of marriage, and view that kitchen the way my wife would see it. So I can say [to myself she] would be upset by that, so I clean it up." This reminded me that my father told me decades ago that he washed the dishes he used before going to work when my mother wasn't around because he knew that it would upset her if he left them in the sink for her to clean. My parents went through a lot together. They made it seem like it was the only thing to do. My father also told me once that he was lucky to have her in his life, as he must have told her often enough. It was then hard for me to fathom the depth of his love for her. It is much easier for me now.
Hhhhhhhhhh8hhhh8hhh
That is rly beautiful relationship between ur parents. I admire that. But as a kind of selfish person I am, it is hard for me to think others first. So for me one is better than two. Love is a such luxury stuff.
@730relationships com Only when two hurts each other, three? nah, one is good.
I'm happy, you have made up your mind and you are so sure about it. Hopefully you're not acting out of fear. Ultimately here you are watching this video. All the best 😊
That is so nice that you had your parents as role models
9:00 physiological calm
10:42 calm vs defense
11:25 measuring mutual trust
12:20 trust defined
13:10 magic also comes from building commitment; this is my journey = loyalty
14:30 mathematics of love. Measure dynamics analysis of relationship. Physiological, perception, and behavior
17:40 Theory of function outlined. Effect of positive and negative emotions = influence + repair early
19:10 Turning toward or away from partner. Two bunnies on beach vs storm in quadrants
26:00 intervention change the start up to get the 5:1 ratio
Thank you for writing this from your loving soft hand. Care about your hand, it's a most precious gift of God ever created only in human. No one like you. Whatever you do keep it up as you write this here. I am from India!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am also doing my P{h.D. Which is your thesis topic? I want to know about it! Thank you once again Honorable Kyra Gaunt Ph.D.. Are you belong from Spain or Russia? Please tell me about your country!
Thanks for the timestamps
@@rahulramteke3338 welcome sir for giving me your precious time to write as a complement. No one like you!
Very helpful. Thanks
@@naveenswarnkar4180 you're doin PhD and talking about God?
Unsurprising but sad. Critical thinking is important.. use it..
I've been a long-term supporter of his work. What's most important really is being aligned to each other and allowing the space to grow into individuals that are the best versions of themselves.
Yup, sometimes easier said than done..have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
++
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 they have several books that detail how to
I wish my parents were like this man. He can do an analysis and calm discussion how to solve the problem. My parents don't bother with civility and just attacked each other like it was a battle between two titans.
same here bro, be better with your kids and break the cycle
@@1995yuda I became the opposite of my parents. I avoid conflicts at all costs especially if I'm upset because 99% of my regrets were committed when I was upset or angry. It helps to calm down when discussing issues
@@johnayala2540 I can totally relate on making bad decision when I'm angry or upset and later regretting them. I don't turn away fron conflicts though, I had the opposite effect... I drill them down to the core right then and there and won't let go until I understand the root cause and try to fix it. Funny how we both adopted different approaches to deal with this. When I first learned how to write an academic Essay in a Critical Thinking class my eyes were opened and I saw the fcking light; suddenly I realized how arguments are a tool to solve conflict, that you're supposed to be able to enter into both sides's "shoes" and see the world from their view, that you should be able to present a convincing persuasive arguement from both opposing sides, and only THEN can you see where the truth is, and to reveal it. Simply put, argue properly with the common goal of solving the conflict instead of fighting like the Titans you mentioned. Critical Thinking saved my life dude, check it out! Take care 🙏
same! my parents bickering and fought for years. I did the same with my ex. we were not a good match. these principles, powerful though they may be, cannot fix a bad match. only option is to abort!
Amazing talk. My husband and I did EFT therapy created by Sue Johnson based on Gottman's work. That was 7 years ago. We have had powerful and lasting results, and will celebrate our 24 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. His math is good. I think we literally wake up every morning more grateful for our relationship than the day before.
That is so amazing!!
So sweet...I hope to experience this one day
Would you recommend a EFT weekend, seminar , or counseling?
Erotic films,18+
Pink visual
My notes on the science of love:
3 factors of love:
Commitment - cherish partner, notice good things about them, excitement about future, double down on staying together, loyalty.
Trust - interest in each other, know how the other will feel, do nice things for each other.
Calm - Shared humor, understanding, gentle, reassuring, listening.
Avoid negative emotions - 5x more positivity to negativity. anger, sadness, fear, hostility, disappointment, making comparisons between partner and real or imagined alternatives, betrayal.
Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.
Hello dear
I would have loved us to chat and become friends
I will really appreciate it if i can add you on hangout hope to hear from soon
Left amazed what sir did 😶
So tricky right?
“Let us have love and more love; a love that melts all opposition, a love that conquers all foes, a love that sweeps away all barriers, a love that aboundeth in charity, a large-heartedness, tolerance, forgiveness and noble striving, a love that triumphs over all obstacles.”
- Abdu'l-Bahá
Romantic love is an illusion.
@@kevinwilson3337 I don't think he's talking about romantic love
Good therapy improves a person's emotional stability and emotional intelligence. Wish my parents had had access to his work.
Rather than a "magic" I love the very scientific approach to a relationship using a more problem-solving, rational approach as that really is what it is all about: solving problems.
Rather than the approach i myself am trying to find out if love is an instinctual thing to humans to assure the survival of the species or if love is something that we as individuals want to do.
This is just something i want to find out i just sometimes have randumb thoughts
@@b-ner2616 in my humble opinion, it is rather a behavior that humans as species adapted over thousands of years to help their (our) survival. However, it may be more of an instinct if you look at mother and baby relationship, since formation of emotional attachment is critical for human babies survival.
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
Yes but don’t leave out the magic! ✨💫✨
I mean, depends on your definition of magic. I have a relationship like this, and we call it "magic" regularly, but that's because it seems so rare to find that. It's "magic" in that you feel so incredibly lucky to have this rare thing. It's the same as how people use the word "lucky". Like I can say "I'm so lucky I found you" and I don't mean I literally mean 'luck has brought us together'. I mean, "Damn, how in the world did I get such a rare thing?? How fortunate I am!". And even in that, I'm not saying I believe "fortune has brought you to me". I'm expressing gratitude for having something a lot of ppl don't have"
One thing he doesn’t talk about as far as the calm aspect, is that when one is dealing with a verbally abusive, negative, and untrustworthy spouse, it is difficult to ever be calm because you are always on guard. I’ve known several people who have a spouse that have the four negative Gottman horsemen, and all of them have difficulty being able to ever relax. The negative affects of living with someone like this over long periods of time takes such a toll on one’s nervous system that a once very “calm” person can not relax. I have a friend who works with battered women. She was also abused and had to escape her husband to a shelter. She has MS and says all the women she now works with in this shelter seem to have the same symptoms. I believe their nerves get worn out and would love to see more talk and research done on this.
Exactly. I just got out of an abusive relationship. I always had to be on alert.
I was in abusive relationship 20 years. Their is actually research. You can look up dr “Gabor Mate”. He’s a doctor. Focus on immune system. Patients with trauma, ptsd, abuse. But their is hope and healing for those who are survivors
Thank you Marie. I will look up Dr Gabor Mate’s research. Glad you got out of your abusive relationship. Hoping you regained health and happiness. ❤️
Janine Laurenti thank you Janine. It started with forgiveness for myself and for my ex husband second. Then my body healed itself. Research shows that unforgiveness releases toxins into the body. My mind, body and heart are all healed. It’s been 3 years. I love my new life of freedom. Here’s a take. Forgive is for ourselves. We get our power back by releasing “forgiving” those who hate hurt us emotionally. They no longer have that “power” over us.
Marie Soto Thank you Marie. Yes, forgiveness is key to healing. Since I have been able to separate myself some years back and then more recently to finally permanently get out, I can feel my body healing. I for awhile wasn’t even surviving. Now I feel more normal energy levels and am living again. I did choose to forgive, but could no longer be at the receiving end of it all. I too have been loving being free. For me it was just going to be enough to be out of it and be free, but since, life just keeps getting sweeter which I didn’t expect. There is hope. So happy to hear your survivor story Marie. Dr. Gabor Mate has a lot of TH-cam talks I’ve been enjoying. Thank you for telling me about him.
Starting at 18:00 -> The influence function told me a lot about where I went wrong in one relationship.
Starting at 19:30 -> The influence function in phase space looks like a splendid way to find where the attractors are and how to aim for the first quadrant and stay clear of the third quadrant.
I would venture that trust brings commitment, which in turn brings calm, but this is only a conjecture.
That's what I call a survey.
Spending 15 years on an equation! That's amazing!!
No matter how many times I listen to Mr Gottman, I always feel his talk far interesting.
Wanting and trying to maintain relationships in perpetuity has to be the greatest source of self inflicted suffering a human being will ever endure in their lifetime.
I genuinely enioy that suffering because it teaches me a lot and motivates me ever harder to make the things better.
John Gottman has been so influential in my relationship. This video was great, so insightful! I appreciate his research and his work!
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 So you just copy paste this comment everywhere? I was clearly right, you ARE an A-hole.
Great video!
For those who want the highlights, there were a lot of encouraging things:
1 Loneliness is the major cause of cheating - if you don’t want them to cheat make sure they’re not lonely
2 Calm Trust and Commitment were the biggest positive predictors of staying together (think about things you can do to secure these)
I'm better off single. I prioritize myself. I have to learn to love myself first. Many kinds of relationships. Those relationships with other friends and family sustain me. I am 60+ I don't figure out having another relationship in my life. I'm tired.
Pets r helpful
Then why are you here watching this? Still lying to yourself at that age? Okay then. There’s fulfillment in gardening and having lots of pets❤
Thank you for this video that allows us to see love and relationships from a different perspective. It’s extraordinary. Thank you so much.
This is literally (love) life saving advice, thanks Mr Gottman!
So basically...if an argument/disagreement/conflict happens, remember why you stuck around with this person in the first place and realise it's just a hurdle to get over?
Oh man.... I wish it is that simple.
Seems like a great way to reason away conflict.
When a disagreement happens, remember it's not you two against each other, but you two vs the problem.
@@ZoeeXiao it is
yah why continue to argue and be in conflict, we cant change people :)
My take from my recent relationship ending it that.. no matter how much you love someone, love on itself does not conquer all. And treating your partner how you'd like to be treated, and expecting them to see that and treat you the same.. is BS. They won't notice and give you the same respect, so I left. It goes unnoticed and I believe that person was simply just going to act the way he did regardless of anything.
All good things considered, I think the most important piece is missing from the talk: what is the attractor in a given situation and how can we influence where it is. This practical piece is needed.
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
Authentic Jews are not afraid
@@ShaareiZoharDaas Mayim Bialik is AWESOME coming from a gentile! lol
@@ShaareiZoharDaas what a freaking joke,
😅😁
This scientific study is in fact about relationships, not about love. Love is an ingredient in relationships, but only if we actively bring it there. True love is the thoughts and deeds of benevolence, which understandably is good to have in relationships. Trust is born in an atmosphere of true love, and so is calm and commitment (the magic triangle). These all come to life surrounded by a feeling of security, which in turn is awakened by - you guessed it: true love. If the relation lacks a two-sided will to think and act benevolently, it will most probably fail.
So "the love equations" aren't of love, either, but of relationships. Love doesn't need any equations to be understood, it's so simple. It's all about attention, acceptance, care, nurturing, affection and healthy boundaries. It's positive energy from a source to a target. You either express love or you don't. Psychologically healthy individuals tend to express love, so if you don't, then there probably is something in yourself you need to heal. But that's another story.
It's so nice to put a face to his name! I've followed this man's work for years. Brilliant, charming, poignant pedagogy for daily application.
Thank goodness for John Gottman, a relationship guru and (potential) savior!
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 He has about 40 years of intensive research in the field as a scientist and he invented a whole system with books, videos and workshops. You're just an A-hole
John Gottman is the mafia boss of love. Respect!
opinionatorX - 👍Facts 💞
Studying the heads of psychology since 2013 today 2020 what do you see? Linda
You now understand ? The King Virus!
@@LindaPow Lol!
Not certain about the points made but ,if anyone else wants to learn about help with marriage problems try Bablim Relationship Booster (just google it ) ? Ive heard some unbelievable things about it and my work buddy got great success with it.
Very lovely talk. I need to get "into his work". Loved listening to Mr.Gottman. Greetings from a young stud from Germany!! And thank you TEDxTalks for the stage you "give" to these interesting personalities.
I love the guy shaking his head in agreement in the audience at 2:00
His research is AWESOME
Imani Eunique where can I read it? Or is it all here on TH-cam?
@@Schmannie100 Start with his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, revised in 2015
Love need only three things and that’s trust,commitment and communication
That INTRO is praise worthy, TEDx Talks
One of the most fascinating presentations I have seen on the topic of love
People I meet are forging relationships with he wrong person. You have to forgo the wrong ones and wait for the right one. This is just how you have to play it. It can take 10 months or 10 years, but if you hook up with the wrong person, you will fail. Gottman screened 60 women and waited for the sixtyoneth and she was the one, my advice is to wait for the sixtyoneth
"Love is the state in which man sees things most of all as they are 'not'. The illusion-creating force is there at its height, likewise the sweetening and 'transforming' force. One endures more when in love than one otherwise would, one tolerates everything..." - FWN
Thank you, Dr. Gottman. You are a legend!
Awesome research! Life long learning...Thank you!
I lecture on this guy's work. Gottman work is legendary!!
This is a vital piece. A similar book I read ushered me into a new understanding. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
How do you measure commitment? If both people are committed and want the relationship to work then all these other things help. There must be a question there. If there is no commitment you are not going anywhere.
Commitment is also a view along the timeline for one's life. Short, medium or long term relationship goals..
Commitment is just one factor in a long, healthy relationship. In order for any relationship to last forever, there really is just one simple rule: both individuals decide to stick together and never break up. But if you want to be *happily* together forever, that's where the other factors come in.
15:23
20:51
24:56
26:48 Love Relationships
Tranquility, can we measure it ? Love it thank you for your passion.
que aula incrível!!! sempre bom ouvi-lo!
It's amazing how a person can say so much and yet so little at the same time. Give this man a cookie, preferably diet.
Love it! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge to us to improve our relationships with our couples, I needed it
Marriage and love are talk about by our parents how truly love works my parents were lived with great respect and care for each other's lives seeing them and they told me that one day you will meet women she may be good or bad and If you can't handle it you will end up drunk so be strong my son they said that was like reinforcement to me and I see myself as a strong man and good human being that's true me ❤ I'm ❤
This man speaks volumes about love.
I agree! Have you come across Marnia Robinson and Cupids poisoned arrow?
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
Thank you Prof Gottman .
Marriage today are taken for granted many young people are getting married for financial purposes or they think it will solve everything. People are not taking the time and making the effort to recall a marriage as committing to one soul “I do”
a lot of older ppl settle too
Marriage today? As opposed to marriage back in the day that was totally about love and not money and was often arranged by parents?... :D
I say people these days get married for financial reasons way less often than they used to, in the West especially since women can get just as good of an income as men these days.
Yes TRUE. I'm in from South India here parents also see the financial stability only and they are not give right to child select their partner,here we have to get married of our parents choice 😞 here parents always want their relatives and society acceptance not their children happiness 😢😥
I think it would have been more helpful if he had explained what the attractors are or could be.
I love that that love is mathematically specified!❤❤
Apart from his great speech: Oh my god is he sweet . Who else wishes he could be their grandpa substitute?
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
The only thing he said that isn't true is that he isn't very intelligent. I call bs. This is AMAZING work! I have been steeped in this work for over a decade and I continue to learn more and more each time he or Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman speaks. What a gamechanger for the world!
That's called a self-deprecating humour. You need actually a decent level of intelligence to say that.
@@maxdetrickster6524 Oh I know. I'm just absolutely enamoured with them. I am all for self-deprecating humour, as it's my most used currency, but they are brilliant!
interesting to hear about his sharings even though I've never fallen in love with anyone and just been on my journey to discover love and look for the best match in my life. Dear me, please improve yourself and promote your self-love before entering any love relationship, build up and practice calmness from now as well.
Predicted within 90% accuracy who will divorce. How extraordinary is that when divorce rate is close to 80% anyway.
Well it could save you time and money when you know the factors that influence that number rather than just seeing a single stat based on results
What are the "attractors" though? Please explain
I'd like (ideal) examples of this critical parameter of the "Startup" predictor.
I'm guessing it is "hey, i'd like to have a tough conversation with you to work out this problem" versus... yelling and accusing?
from other talks i’ve seen, i think your wording can feel to a partner like getting in trouble. the way we felt as kids when our parents said sit down we are going to have a talk. instead, i’ve seen the recommendation to say firstly that you love them, either to them OR to yourself, then say “i feel ____” followed by “i wish _____” and finally, a “can you help me?” or “what do you think?” in this way a partner can feel like they GET to fix the problem, not like it’s already surpassed their reach.
I think it just comes back to his idea of being calm. When you're calm you approach others in an overall better way than when you are upset/frustrated.
Actually, my bf does that and, initially, it’s quite irritating to my emotional way of dealing with things, but after a few minutes (15-45), we actually start to come to a workable conclusion or plan for working out the problem. 🤷🏻♀️
haha! this is the perfect language to present these information to my rational, scientific minded boyfriend! :')
Absolutely Interesting. I can see all the effort and years of research was put into this!! Great job!!
Hello dear
I would have loved us to chat and become friends, Hope to hear from you soon
Trust is a fruit not a fertilizer. It is truth that produces the fruit of Trust.
Let's spread this to engineers and data scientists 😉very interesting study!
Good idea
Please stop and be a human being to be able to talk to others. I love you
🙏👌❤️
John GOTTMAN THANK YOU
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
This talk transported me right back to grad school... 😄
Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.
Brilliant, there should be a movie on this subject matter
Ty
I literally just thanked my husband for fixing something and he complained that I turned the light off!! (The light was left on by me!)
😂😂😂
I don’t even know why I try!
Did you tell him this? Healthy communication is calm. If you cannotstay calm with each other then be calm alone.
This could be an illuminating look into your relationship patterns and what you could do so that you both end up in quadrant 1 as happy bunnies on the beach...see part about washing the dishes lol. Try to practice empathy, be grateful that he helps you, keep calm, remember why you love him, respond in a loving way and do things to make him happy too :)
竟然有中文字幕 我好感动啊
I actually tweeted similar information about this.. I’m glad somebody came up with numbers, and equations for this.
@21:31 he introduces the idea of "attractor(s)". What are the some examples of positive, and negative attctors? They seem to be the real determinants of conversations, and thus relationships (?)
I'm not surprised, the stable happy marriage graph 24:24 look very Deja Vu. I mean just look at how they score each other.
This guy HAS to be one of the smartest guys in the world... is he?
Oh John, how I wish I could talk to you. There is a new perspective that includes your facts with a bigger picture.
I see what's going on, his talk led to the Rorschach test at 24:20 - he consciously or unconsciously continues to test the audience.
The sacrifices you made in getting many divorces to learn about love
80/20 rule(?) 80% positive / 20% negative (5:1) needed to override 80% negative (.8:1)
80/20 is 4:1, but it's the same principle.
This is the first John Gottman video I’ve watched and he is pretty damn funny 😄
Absolutely incredible!! I loved this!!
Your crazy , romantic love is an illusion. It’s not real
@@kevinwilson3337 abaolutely not. I have been privaliged enough to have seen it in my family. My grand partents (from both sides) and my parents, all is true unconditional love. Im very sorry for you this world has lead to believe you this is 'an illusion'. I really hope you see this, and just consider it to be true, and take a chance on it in real life. If if works out, that was my purpose in life.
bruh did he really just put a math equation into figuring out the reason behind why some relationships work out and some don't
Yes
The title for this lecture is infortunate. I think it would put a lot of people off watching it. The ones that would probably benefit the most.
I recognice myself in the desciption of how love can be . Me and my girlfriend, after knowing each other for 45 years and falling in love with each other 11 years ago and we're still in love most of our time. There is no need to sqeeuze it into formulas that I dont understand. For me it takes a lot of the spontanity, the natural flow of love as I experience it. Like I said, I can not understand why some one is doing that. I'll show her the talk and ask her what she thinks.
Im a mathy person, so I love it. Its a great visual for me to hold in my mind as I maybe try to practice it. Of course there is a lot more to learn depending on on people's relationship skills. And one can always learn more.
He's doing it because he's trying to understand the dynamics of relationships that either succeed or fail over time. Not all relationships are like yours. Each is unique and his life's work is using the scientific method to apply towards a unique relationship to help people who love one another succeed ans grow together instead of divorce and end up not being able to communicate.
He emphasizes at several points the importance of "attractors" that pull you towards the negative or positive quadrants... but he never explains what those are! If the ultimate goal is being those "two bunnies on the beach", and getting there is the result of positive attractors... it seems a *little* important to clarify what those positive attractors look like based on the findings :P
I suppose they're different for everyone. Maybe check out his book The Marriage Clinic.
@@S.A.S-Queen That's totally fair, but surely there's *some* generalized commonalities. For example, his 5 to 1 ratio. For every 1 negative experience, there's 5 positive. How "negative" and "positive" are defined will vary between couples, but they measure the positivity and negativity of the experiences *somehow*. So there must be some general way to measure the positivity and negativity of attractors.
100% agree....parts of the presentation was a little disjointed
Brilliant. thanks
Summary for the talk is Physiological clam, Mutual Trust, Commitment
Where can I find a site that creates graphs by changing trailing variables?
I was unfortunately divorced and jobless inuk for3years
Shared humor is powerful in reducing physiological arousal?did he say that right?I need to know if so because I think humor is something that is a must and my girlfriend agrees
Affluence and influence Are separate practices. Titers variables have parameters.
Yes watched video
This is really cool findings 🤘🏼🙃
wonderful!
Left amazed what sir did 😶
Oh the John Gottman 😍🥰❤
What about people who are passive aggressive?