I believe you definitely can. Your brain shuts off certain systems inside you to protect you. You feel removed mentally from the situation. It’s survival.
Most definitely possible although exhausting and feel as though you aren’t being true to yourself who is the most must that point. The name calling and other abusive behaviors don’t even phase you…
We know that narcissist love to wear you out physically and mentally as long as they can. But you can mentally out while you have no any sympathy or mercy on the narcissist at any time...
Living it. I really loved this guy when I married him. But it was all faked. All of it. I worked to make it right. I should have left when the gas lighting started. I should have left after he pushed me backwards down the basement steps. And didn’t come down to see if I was ok. But it was my house. He wouldn’t leave. They are energy vampires. So 16 years later I have nothing left. Gone full circle. No emotion. No anger. Not even disappointment. I’m done. I live in my head. Limit contact. Live my life.
This is me. I am DONE. I can’t leave but I’m no longer giving him the power over my mind. Thank you for this. Everyone tells me to just leave but I have to stay for other reasons. He is still a narcissist and thinks he can continue to gaslight me but not giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me is also my power. Mentally I’m out. Thank you Dr R. You are the best and a life saver.
Yes, I agree if the narcissist no longer has power over your mind it is liberating. At an advanced age to trade a home you put lots of work and creativity into for a dingy appartement or worse life in a RV is foolish, in my opinion. I learnt about narcissism 2 1/2 years ago , carved out my spaces of personal freedom and found emotional stability with the help of a therapist.
@@mariaawake4502 I agree with you, for me to leave will be trading my home, garden and neigbours who have become friends for a small apartment in a different area where I wouldn't know anyone because that is all I would be able to afford. I've checked out a great deal emotionally but my N husband still becomes aggressive and intimidating if I don't respond the way he wants. Thinking of moving out is a real dilemma for me in my senior years with no independent income. I feel sad for all those in a similar situation.
I'm physically present but emotionally out of the relationship...focusing on myself during this healing journey. When you can't take it anymore they no longer matter.
I checked out mentally, and you could say spiritually, before I actually broached separation, and we proceeded to get divorced. In fact, there was a moment where he literally broke down in tears and said, “Everything I say makes you angry or sad. You used to be proud of me.” And he was absolutely right. He was remembering a time when he was my everything. But that was before he abused me for 20 years.
YES! Finally you did a video on the exact situation I'm in. He's an annoying roommate, that's the way I look at him. I don't make enough money to leave. So I just do what I have to do day to day.
It's not always feasible to physically leave a toxic relationship, but breaking free mentally is a crucial step. It's about finding your freedom within the constraints of a toxic relationship. It's not always about trauma bonds, sometimes, it's just about surviving the circumstances you're in.
Right. Since the narcissist in my life will go out of their way to ruin me financially if I leave, and my plans for the rest of my life don't include living under a bridge, I'm getting therapy, engaging with my work, interests and family members/friends who care about me, and mentally detaching from this person so that their slings and arrows can't hurt me any more.
This is me. We sleep in separate rooms and pretty much live separate lives. The only things we do together are, we usually eat dinner together, and watch drag racing once a week and do the bills once a month. I feel like I’m single and not dating but married. I feel recognized and released from the shame of having to stay from watching this. Thank you ❤
This is the closest to my situation. Emotionally, I am long gone. I get on with life and since understanding about narcissists and how to deal with it. I am in a much better place too.
Same situation, and I know quite a few long term couples in a similar situation. We've been lied to about lifelong happy marriages being a thing. They're the exception. going dancing with girls tonight though, for the first time in YEARS ...I'm gonna start living again . I'm just waiting till the youngest (9) is old enough to handle actual separation/divorce ..so about 10 years to go... tick tock
Such good advice! I can not leave my toxic relationship at this point as I am 85, but mentally the constant put downs roll off me like water on a ducks back! Am looking forward to your new book!
You’ve described my situation exactly. I’m financially tied to my narc husband due to a disability. Thanks to your videos I’ve finally understood what my husband’s behavior is about. You’ve saved my sanity and mental wellbeing. Thank you.
I hope you are able to find support on line. I had covid and long covid when my narc when well narc. The online groups saved my sanity! And provided support on my low days.
Did 14 years of hard time in that slammer. Made contact with him 20 minutes a day. Got strong, patient, goal orientated. I became bullet proof and fully operational when he finally left. Maintained a wicked sense of humor. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I get to recommend you offen to the new generation.
People can be so know it all, judgemental and insensitive. I have had people say ‘you stayed too long’, ‘why did you date him’ , and ‘you just need to stand up for yourself’. It’s maddening. I did stand up for myself and I did get out when I could, but yes it is very complicated sometimes and not so simple. Keeping my boundaries with the ones I can’t totally leave like family members, mentally out from their drama for sure, figuring out if/how I show up to family dinners while protecting myself. I still ruminate and question leaving a successful but also toxic workplace, and toxic friends, wondering if I did the right thing, but learning to trust myself more. Breaking those mental chains as best I can. Focusing on my life and my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
Just yesturday in my session I talked about this. Im in but done. So I remove myself when he acts up . I practice self care. I nutritionally keep myself balanced. Its not easy everyone but we can do this. Dr. Ramini you are an absolute gift
I can tell you, yes, you can. After a lifelong hellish marriage to a now sick and lonely partner who has no one else to turn to (I wonder why…) I am finally out. I keep taking care of my partner but I now live on a different universe. The anxiety, the resentment, it’s all gone. I focus on myself and have started to heal.
Yes. After about 30 years, stayed 10 more, I would close my eyes and lay down on the couch when i heard him coming in. Would leave the room busily when he came in. He finally left me. Thank goodness, but he made it almost as hard as if I left. Don't sign anything without a lawyer there.
I stayed for far longer than I should after realizing what was going on. This was mainly because I was still trapped in the relationship by the psychological abuse. He had me convinced that I wouldn't be alright on my own, and that my son and I would be homeless and starving. It took a couple of years to detox after leaving, but my life has magically transformed in some ways since then. The things I have now would never have been possible if I hadn't left.
I love your point that a person who is mentally out, but still physically in is more free than a person who is physically out, but still in mentally. I’ve done both, and I agree, 100%!
It is absolutely possible to mentally check yourself out of a narc relationship but still have to have someone involvement in their messy lives. I have no choice but to help my narcissistic mother out once a week with shopping and medical appointments because of my cultural duties as her daughter. However - I don’t go DEEP when she tries to cut me with her disgusting opinions of others, her unfair criticisms of me, her refusal to simply be a nice person. I don’t allow her to hurt me anymore. I do what I have to do, yellow-rock like hell and drive away for my 6 days of peace. Yeah she’s still a god awful person, but that’s on her. She ain’t going to change after 63 years but I can accept and overcome. Wishing all survivors strength and peace ✌🏼 thanks Dr Ramani - I can’t wait to read your new book 📚
I’m out in every way but physically. Been married 42 ( DOG) years and have a big enough house where he’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. It works. I have chronic pain and other illnesses that prevent me from starting over. It works for me. He is nothing to me. Usually. It still amazes me how he can surprise the hell out of me and still hurt me bad. I don’t trust him. These ppl are so f-cked up!
My answer is YES! I am mentally out of this relationship but still in it. Presently making my moves to get rid of and get out of the relationship with the narc I married. I have absolutely had enough!
Oh wow. Thank you for describing where I’m at so perfectly! Something happened earlier this year, a realization hit me, so forcefully and quickly. It’s been 23 years of excuses and abuses. I never knew it had a name, what I’ve gone through. But your series on covert narcissism had me sobbing on the floor, wondering how you could possibly know exactly what I’ve gone through. It blew my mind, I honestly wondered if you know my husband, like you’d lived in my marriage! All the things I never told anyone 😭 But….. we have a houseful of kids, and I haven’t worked a job in decades. My husband does completely financially support our household, but every other thing is on me. He comes home and sits. Either on the phone, TV, or video game. I’ve heard every possible future fake “when I get a better job I can spend more time with the kids” or when he makes more money, or when he’s less stressed. But I finally realized, he just doesn’t want to be here. So I’m stuck. Thank you for your videos Dr Ramani, I finally feel validated. ❤️
While it would be great not to have to share space, there is way too much loss that I would have to incur financially that at my age, I might never recover. Also, not having a stable support system when the inevitable "hoovering" would occur would just make matters worse. I have accepted that the person will not change and that they are going to be forever miserable. There will be a time when I may throw caution to the wind but I'm not there. So thank you Dr. Ramani for championing those of us that can't simply "get out of the relationship".
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Ramani! Most people do not understand that "I'm out without being out." I can't leave due to disability and finances, but I no longer take meals with or sleep with my cheating, verbally abusive narcissistic spouse. I feel more like my old self again. ❤
Minimizing contact is the key but sometimes it still feels dangerous so go gray rock but be prepared for pushback. I am thankful because mine finally left for good by just disappearing when I went for a walk last spring. He could have done damage again or become physically abusive again after I let him back in my home for the second time for financial reasons ❤️🩹 I may lose my beautiful place to live but at least I’m not afraid anymore
I think so too. I’m completely shut down going on 5 years now, but we’re still together just for medical, housing, and kids. It was the manipulative threats to run away with the kids and the other manipulative threats to to beat the kids and “knock their teeth out” and then deny these threats were ever made and gaslight us all, layered over years of past infidelity, that pushed me over. And with a clever narcissist you can’t prove anything successfully in court so you’re stuck.
Try secretly recording her threats and her verbal abuse and even placing a video recorder in your home to gather the evidence you'll need in divorce court.
Yes. I'm never planning to see my mother again, but since she ruled my life against my consent for forty years, she never leaves my thoughts for very long. Nor does the anger that comes with it.
"Mentally out" can be with and without intention. I was unintentially out via dissociation for many years. As I eventually learned more and more about NPD and the Cluster B disorders, I came back mentally, but it made the emotional abuse more painful. This made it critical for me to get physically out. I sacrificed a lot to escape physically. No matter what the sacrifice, even to my very life, I am better off than I was being regularly exposed to my ex.
I wouldve been thrilled if I would’ve gotten this information sooner and left. The main hurdle for me is going to be mentally battling grief, regrets, and memories.
The only regret I have is that I didn't know what a narcissist was 45 years ago when I first met him. Discussions about mental health have come a long way since then.
@@twovirginiacats3753 😯🫢 I wish this information would’ve been provided to the public as well. It wouldve saved people back them a lot of grief and heartache. Im glad you know now and many are becoming educated. best wishes to you!💕
Yes, this is me too. I'm married on paper and mentally divorced. The truth is, you can be hurt only so many times until you have to step out - either physically or mentally.
Dr Ramani I came across one of your videos about two and a half years ago. I just about fell off my chair when I heard you talk about narcissism, describing my husband to a T. I cried everyday for six months as the deep emotional dam broke. It’s been a long road of healing and although I can’t physically leave I can say unequivocally, I am out. After twenty five years of abuse I feel at peace within myself. Of course I still have to deal with him daily, however, I expect nothing and ask nothing of him. Thank you for helping me see the truth. I will forever be grateful ❤
This is why!!!!! You will always be my number one go to person. I've been there and know what it's like. I got out but know that no matter where you are physically or mentally it's HARD. Survive anyway you can and I hope one day you realize that you are worth more than what that relationship is or was. Wishing you peace in whatever form you can find it in the new year!!!💖💯
The mental and emotional healing was the key. I did all of that work while still married to the narc. Without that I would not have physically made it out because once I did my body fell apart and the rest of the trauma bond had to be dealt with. If I had still loved him and hoped it could still be fixed I wouldn't have been able to leave and stay gone. I wasn't just done by then but I was f*$#ing done. IMO you need to get there before you can leave without yoyoing back and forth.
You're the only one saying this, and it's such a relief! Thank you. I've stopped crying, I ruminate much less, I'm sleeping better, and best of all, my new friends and community know this is an "on paper" relationship and don't ask about it. Yay!!!
Thank you so much for this... it's where I am right now and I think I'm actually in a really good place. I was hoping and trying for a way out for a long time before realizing God was gonna help me right where I'm at... and He IS! Why we should be so surprised at this is beyond me... but I really am growing and healing right here and right now, in spite of all the obstacles in my life, and looking forward to my tomorrows and working on some of the life goals I've decided on, the first and most important being getting my health back - one day at a time.
No contact is not an option for me due to sharing caregiver responsibilities for my mom with an older sister, who is very narcissistic and abusive at times. Reading, therapy and watching wonderful videos like this has helped me immensely and I hope it helps others. I don’t have a perfect track record….. it’s still something that can really spin me around for a couple of days after being in the environment but the recovery time is much shorter than it was a few years ago thank God.
Thank you so much for posting this! This is exactly! What I am doing and how I am living. If I had the financial means, I’d be out in a heartbeat. I had no idea he discarded me in 2012 (we had a little toddler and I was head over heels for him) and I gobbled up the breadcrumbs he threw me over the years. meanwhile, he’s been cheating pretty much our entire 14 year marriage and he’s always been the side-dude for his first gf in HS who is married to his friend from middle school (they’ve been married for about 27 years and my Cheater cheated on his first wife in the late 90’s with the same AP). I see him for what he is now once I found out he was a serial cheater three years ago yesterday. It’s not a great existence but I have plans.
Definitely, at least to a large extent. When you realize the main thing you've done wrong is enter a serious relationship with someone who has turned out to be disingenuous, it's an important survival tool to use until you can physically remove yourself. You can't make them into something else, and you have to protect your mind. 😢
Great video today, Dr. Ramani! I wish there was a way for the people who are a part of this wonderful community to help each other get out of these toxic relationships sooner. We all come from different places with different experiences and skill sets. I think it would be amazing if we could pair up with others who have skills we need so we can level up our situation and move on from these toxic people. ❤
Thanks Dr. I call it deciding to grow despite the relationships. I wish I could have left much sooner but I did get out. I am in a great spot now but have had lots of therapy, support groups because the pain drove me to it. It wasn't a I guess I am tired of this _ it was slow. Other people always have a opinion. The only one who counts is me. Healthy boundaries a lifetime class.
I am a psychotherapist and know about my husbands narcisissm for about 20 years. We have two now adult children together. I myself suffered from depression and anxiety during my early adulthood. No therapist draw the connection to the marriage I has been in. Now I myself are helping victims from narcisdistic abuse. I considered leaving my husband during the last months because my income is increasing.Having an office together my free lancer job that I love above all would be on risk. It would be emotional difficult for me to leave our house at the age of 62. Thank you Dr Ramani for your clear words: yes you can heal and manage your life without leaving.
I've definitely made it to a better place by knowing what to expect. Taking care of myself and being emotionally neutral when he tries to pick a fight are the most helpful tools. I take my time with what I am about to say, which only throws him off because I use logic first and THEN how I feel. Just switching the order has impacted so many conversations and kept them from turning into arguments. I still don't get an apology for my hurt feelings, but he's too busy trying to wiggle his way out of the facts to insult me further.
For me, it was a combination of therapy and 12-Step recovery in al-anon. Especially the serenity prayer. Eventually, God granted me the courage to change my marital status.
I was out before I even realized it. The last 2 years of a 6 year relationship, was when I started packing up in my head and organizing like a mad woman, so I could identify what was mine. Conscious, rather unconscious denial is a big thing. I was emotionally DONE! It was a blessing when he yelled at me in a disagreement one day and did not stop or try to understand, (not even my viewpoint). He could not compromise to make peace, he just kept shouting at me. At that point... I was out! It became a blessing to see what I was actually already preparing for, which was leaving for good. Thanks, Dr. R 🙏❤
I Honestly Think You Can Never Be Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship Mentally.Narcissistic Abuse Is A Soul Destruction Which Can Lead To Depression Absolutely No Self Esteem.And Self Hate
Not until the narcissist is gone. This happened to me a few times over many years of dealing with one. The first time I noticed it was when he went to jail for a few years. I had a sudden burst of energy and happiness that I hadn't felt in a number of years. My relaxed demeanor was noticeable to those around me.
I actually thought I could save the ones who betrayed me. After I tried and cried, that's when I had to say good bye. I chose my peace over abuse. I don't care what others think of me anymore. My rule for me : I say what I mean, mean what I say and I'm not mean when I say it. If what I have to say is mean, I don't bother, I walk away. Ty Dr. R
Yes! If I had a money fairy, I would hire someone to handle my elderly mom's care needs and never see her again. It's a big enough blessing she can afford to be in assisted living and not in my home anymore. It still takes a toll having to interact with her on a weekly basis. Finally learning not to react her to and take the bait has made a huge difference, and feels like a bit of revenge that she knows all her old tactics don't work on me anymore. But it has made her more angry and hostile towards me, increasing the amount of abuse aimed in my direction. As Dr Ramani says, you can't win.
Thank you Dr. Ramini. Your understanding and explanation of my (and others) situation with several narcissists over the course of my 70 years has given me a healthy way to cope. Some narcissists I have been able to leave, some I'm unable to. But now I know what to do to stay sane and be my true self, at least around the people I trust. It's a small group, but that's ok. My life is much more peaceful now and I'm grateful. ❤
It’s called Grey Rock and Yellow Rock 24/7/365 at the mental level There are survivors literally doing this with narcissistic people in their lives at home and at work- they’re physically interacting with narcissistic people Keep it functional and transactional but at the same time maintain protecting their boundaries
Yes. I have been on the journey of getting emotionally out for the past almost year. I know it will be hard when he actually leaves, because every step has been hard, but I know it's what I want and if he could tomorrow, I would be happy. I'm mostly concerned he won't and I'll have to get law enforcement involved. I just want him to leave peacefully. 😔
Amen you can't always leave.. I'm finding it helpful to wrote down all the gaslighting and things he does so when I am able to leave I have it all written down so I won't be tempted to be sucked back in.. If nothing else I'll write a book to help others.
I have been listening to podcasts about narcissism for maybe a year or two now, and you are the first person who I’ve heard say this. It’s so important. Thank you for your great information-every video is so helpful!
Thank you! I stayed 3 yrs to pay off a car! I was older and knew I had to live on small income! When it began to be evident it wasn’t safe I just left and lived with my son and family for awhile! I know there are reasons ppl have to stay but it’s also very possible to disengage mentally! My ex knew it too and it all got worse to drive me out! He had new supply in his sights !!
I disengaged and avoid them all now. But still have the arguments over and over again in my head with a father long dead. Kicking myself for the good life I gave up for my family in my ignorance, and need for the love they could never return. How do you heal, knowing most of your life was deliberately thrown away by those you loved.
I empathise so much with your words. It’s gut wrenching thinking about what could have been. The grief and anger can be crippling. Doing the work to radically accept and make sense of the pain is so daunting but I wish you every success. There’s a huge community of survivors who understand and have your back. Sending you strength and peace ✌🏼 Take care and know in your heart it was never your fault or in your control
This exactly. What life could I have had if I wasn't bending over backwards for people who NEVER returned the same regard? For people who still try to do it even now, because I'm unable to go no contact and those demons just won't die already. The main thing is that you have to accept what happened. Stop asking WHY? because you'll go to your grave asking WHY? and still not have the answers you want. My WHY? is that my parents are broken people who were broken by their parents; it's generational trauma. They didn't love themselves enough to work through their problems, so how could I have expected love from people who were incapable of giving it to themselves? I've heard a lot of excuses when I confronted them about it, and I have yet to see any changed behaviors. Okay, that's fine. My father will never admit he is a spineless coward, and my mother will never admit that all her anger does is destroy. Their problems are worth more to them than I ever was. That's been obvious since I was a child, but I've finally accepted it. Here is my evidence, staring me in the face. It's not going to change because THEY don't want it to. That's who THEY choose to be. That's not who I choose to be. I will do better. I've had enough of being shit on for existing when I never asked to exist in the first place or certainly would not have chosen them for parents. Mourn and grieve what you lost. Feel all those feelings and know they are valid. You are human, and you're allowed to be hurt or angry or sad. Make the present and the future better for yourself. This time it's about you, and it's okay to be selfish and meet your own needs. You are allowed to have needs and desires and goals. Go get 'em. The best thing about this difficult time is that there's no one to stop you from having the things you want and the things you were denied. You have the power to do it yourself! I wish you the best. I'm right there with you struggling to figure things out and pick up those decades of broken pieces. Take care of yourself.
@TheJustinhcase 100% disengage, I feel your hurt from betrayal, going through the same myself, I don't know if it is possible to heal completely, but when we start filling our life with other things, start giving that importance to ourselves, we can move ahead, and suffering will reduce. It is tough. Stay well
@@spacegirl226 yes, it is ok to feel hurt. Yes, will never know WHY?! I should've stopped looking for reasons. Yes, they can't give what they don't have, what the hell could I expect! Yes, generational trauma has to be broken. I second your story completely. ❤
Thank god for this...bc I've been feeling like i mentally detached from my narc relationship as soon as their mask dropped, years ago. I was tied to them financially and unfortunately still need to emotionally detach from the assets that were taken from me. I like to think i essentially paused myself as to not deteriorate with the abuse, but my lack of ability to connect to anything meaningful is really taking a toll on my humanity. Need a group or activity...
Yes! I knew he was not normal but he was dangerous so I had to slip slide out of it. My rock bottom was realizing that you can be bipolar 1 AND a narcissist. The bad behavior was NOT due to his bipolar. Also he stopped taking care of mental health and weaponized his bipolar to manipulate me.
Our son is a narcissist. I put up with it for 13 plus years so I could see our grandson. Well when he started abusing our grandson I turned him into CPS because he would not listen to me and stop. Now I can no longer see my grandson. Which I knew they would do because both our grandson s parents are narcissistic. It’s been 11 months since we have been able to see him. I’m heartbroken. Narcissist are extremely mean and our grandson is paying the price of us not complying with our son and his girlfriend.
Can't you file for grandparent's rights or guardianship. I'm no lawyer, but I would think you would have some rights. Just something to think about. I'm sorry that you can't visit with your grandson. That is sad, but hopefully he is some where safe. I'm just sorry.
@@mday3821 we did but if two “fit parents file an affidavit saying they don’t want us to see our grandson, the judges hands are tied. You could tell the judge knew what they were doing when he told them he hoped they were really doing what was best for their son.
@@mday3821 he is with his mom. She is not a physical abuser like his dad is but she gaslights my grandson to believe she is a victim with us who tried to help. She left our grandson with his dad when he was 5 and often standing him up so she could be with her new boyfriends. We have aided him for 8 years while she was as barely in the picture. She is telling our grandson she didn’t see him much because we took “control “ of him. When what we were doing is filling the void she left. If you’re familiar with narcissists you know how they twist things😤
I agree with you that it definitely is possible. Radical acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness (true internal forgiveness not absolution) are key factors. Just a couple of days ago I asked my ex to help me in a small matter when going to an event with our child (we drove separate cars); instead I got a message telling me that by asking for her help I was; "behaving like a baby", that all her "good feelings" she had towards me had gone, and that she was so upset by me that she now couldn't attend the event. It is a tactic she has used before on me, and before it would have worked to hurt me. Because I have radically accepted things I don't let this behaviour or words get to me anymore. Whereas the exact same routine would have made me feel upset I could just let it go, let her go off to do her own thing (fashion shopping for herself) and I will continue to attend the event with just me and my daughter. Whereas previously I would have tried to chase her, apologise (for whatever perceived wrong I had been accused of), and try to smooth her mood, now I don't. I expect her emotional attacks when they come and just let them wash past me like some rubbish floating past down a river off to get lost in a far off ocean somewhere. I can then keep my mental energy and focus on the actual present situation in that moment; that there is a party; that everyone else at the party (especially my daughter & myself) are going to have a great time. And, we all did.
"I know this person is a RAGING Narcissist" OMG, YES!!!! Self-employed, NEED the health insurance and have been sooo financially abused and kept in the dark about his assets from large inheritance terrified to go up against this malignant, truly delusional person in court. Plus I don't have the money to retain a lawyer or a forensic accountant just to help me have my entitlements to sale of house years ago and pension after 26 years of isolated marriage. Not looking to "cash in" just be able to retire.
Thanks & good job! You hit the nail on the head. Escaping toxic relationships is hard. Our culture perpetuates these toxic patterns. I feel like a pioneer exploring new territory and blazing new trails. I want to help move the needle in the culture war by practicing healthy relationship patterns. Don't settle. Break the cycle. We got this!
I was there in the last months before I got out, time during which I was working on the plan to get out. I noticed that my ex responded to this negatively - she was unhappy that I was no longer fighting her on things.
Her som biologically, mine by relationship, recently expressed a desire for "Her to get help and you to get out so everybody could be happy." Tried to explain how I was pretty much ok and I was staying to try and buffer the toxic environment to aid my minor. daughter. Your video today articulates the point so well. I'll take mentally out but physically in over physically out mentally in any day of the week!
I read the title and knew exactly what you meant. That was my home. I was waiting for reasons related to our children and money. In hind site it was the right decision for my children. It was still terrible but it would have been worse. I owe you so much, such a long story. So many broken people. Really, thank you for so much help.
Hi Everyone. I think I dodged a huge bullet because my ex boyfriend(who in my opinion is a narcissist) gave me the complete discard(in the moment it happened it completely broke me emotionally) now almost 2 months later after the breakup I feel like it was a blessing in disguise(sometimes I have a difficult time with why it happened and how fast it happened it still hurts a lot) I take it one day at a time and I enjoy things that make me happy and talk therapy helps me a lot. I wish everyone well in their own healing journey however that may look like to all of you. ♥️.
Definitely think being mentally out of the relationship is crucial and I am starting this process at the moment from my Dad. What has been the best thing by far is realizing I'm not crazy. My goal is to be mentally out but won't be able to have a complete break as my daughter is still in contact with him and she is not at the mentally out stage and may never be. I will be there to support her until/if she is ready to cut him off completely. My Dad has cut my sister off cos he knows she sees him and won't tolerate his behaviour and confronts him. I have also done so but I do still back away from confrontation due to trying to protect my daughter. 😢
In my situation, there wasn’t the option of physically being in the same space or even staying in contact. As long as I was present he would continue to play mind games. In my case it had to be no contact. This route is never easy but for some it is necessary.
I think I went mentally leaving the relationships with my nex and NM slowly. In both cases I was living in the same house but each did our own thing. Then I left physically when I was economically able to.
I really hope so , but have been in this marriage 58 years, and only realised what he has done and been up to since we were first married. Thanks for the advise
I resonate deeply with the notion of being mentally absent while physically present; it's a reality I faced both with my ex-husband and my narcissistic mother. With my ex, disconnection took time, about 18 months to untangle myself from the trauma bond. Conversely, with my mother, I detached early, physically leaving at 17, but the mental disconnection took years. Even now, it's through therapy that I'm starting to free myself from lingering echoes of her voice in my mind. Accepting my indifference towards her has been a challenge others may not grasp, but ironically, it's a crucial step when dealing with deep narcissists. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your invaluable work in guiding people through these complex relationships. I've pre-ordered your book, eagerly anticipating the guidance it offers, arriving at just the right moment in my life.
My mother, 85, told me something only a few days ago. Until the seventies the German still law said, that a wife couldn't even take up a job, without the husband giving his written consent to it. Total financial dependence. "Where should I have gone with no money and three little children? And I noticed: it's my own unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS that hurt me. So I stopped expecting ANYTHING from him and created my own life, friendships, activities, within the possibilities that were my reality then. It worked. I made myself happy. He never could." My mother is the most positive person I have ever met.
Surprisingly, I was only able to see my husband’s narcissism when he started showing it towards my daughter. And yes, I stayed for economic reasons but totally disengaged at emotional level.
The hardest thing to do is to walk away. As we Love all at the same timenot being our true self is NOT an option. We all will survive no matter where we get to travel 😉✌️❤️🌳 ##thankyouall ##enjoythejourney
Yes, this is me now. The person that is DONE. I am not sure how long I have been done by now. Maybe when I realized my toxic mother is a narcissist. Maybe when I started setting boundaries. Maybe when I watched this video. Either way, I am done letting the narcissists in my life upset me. I just need to remember not to react to them or I will just succeed in giving them narcissistic supply.
Yes, unless you deal with a control freak that wants your full attention, wants full control over your thoughts, control over your life.. When they abuse/punish you because you try to be mentally out... Then it's better to go NO CONTACT.
This is so validating. I struggled with going low/no contact with my in-laws for a few years, but now, on the few occasions I do have interactions with them, I know I made the right and healthy choice. I have moved on and embraced and done things that were healthy for me and my family and that would help my support myself if I ever found the need to do so. Nothing really surprises me anymore and even if these people changed, I still wouldn't want to be their "friend." From the very beginning, 25+ years ago, they made it clear that I was not welcomed and seen as a threat, but they sure were "kind" when they needed something from me. No more. It is very empowering.
So Brilliant, and so Validating. in support groups, I always say that No Contact needs to be Mental No Contact as well. So powerful, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
You absolutely can, yes! I know cause I was physically in one when I was living with my narc father and enabling mother but whilst I was I was also mentally out because I could see through all the bullshit and wasn't playing his game anymore. Hers either. I'm not trying to downplay the enablers role because they're (at least in my eyes) just as guilty as the narc. As soon as I stopped playing his selfish silly games I was feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. It really does feel like it takes a load off your shoulders. And empowered! Boy does it ever make you feel empowered!
Ah yes, makes sense now. I was wondering why even after segregating physically and limited contact, I was still not getting better. I let them in my head, always ruminating, living with the thinking feeling loop. They guilt tricked me pretty well.😅
I checked out some time ago! We cohabit a house but I'm not really there. I just grey rock her whenever she tries to bait me into an argument. I go off to my areas of the house and pretend that she is not there the rest of the time. Our kids have all put up barriers because they don't want to put up with, or inflict on their kids, the toxic way their mother behaves. Naturally, she is not to blame, but is the victim of the unjust treatment she is receiving.
Thank you so much for this video! 🙏✨. You gave me an immense amount of peace. This is exactly where I’m at at present and it’s so hard to explain this to family and friends 🙏 they don’t understand….
I realised when I was in holiday that he actually wasn't interested in me as a person and that he felt threatened by me. When I got back I experimented by sometimes giving my own opinion about things. He soon came down on me like a ton of bricks. Now I just don't engage and let him fall flat on his face if he wants to. It's quite entertaining really.
My husband did this with his parasitic narcissist ex for the sake of their daughter. He did all the housework, then his two jobs, paid the entire household bills for a decade until he finally broke. He asked for a divorce. She took everything, tortured their daughter with parental alienation of him (his daughter died at 40 after long heroin use), and my husband has PTSD to this day that he’s dealing with bravely. He was damned if he stayed, and she damned him to hell when he left. Just because you endure it, and “feel” removed, you are still being tortured.
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I believe you definitely can. Your brain shuts off certain systems inside you to protect you. You feel removed mentally from the situation. It’s survival.
Exactly! ❤
Most definitely possible although exhausting and feel as though you aren’t being true to yourself who is the most must that point. The name calling and other abusive behaviors don’t even phase you…
At that point now and it crushes me every day while still stuck!
We know that narcissist love to wear you out physically and mentally as long as they can. But you can mentally out while you have no any sympathy or mercy on the narcissist at any time...
Living it. I really loved this guy when I married him. But it was all faked. All of it. I worked to make it right. I should have left when the gas lighting started. I should have left after he pushed me backwards down the basement steps. And didn’t come down to see if I was ok. But it was my house. He wouldn’t leave. They are energy vampires. So 16 years later I have nothing left. Gone full circle. No emotion. No anger. Not even disappointment. I’m done. I live in my head. Limit contact. Live my life.
This is me. I am DONE. I can’t leave but I’m no longer giving him the power over my mind. Thank you for this. Everyone tells me to just leave but I have to stay for other reasons. He is still a narcissist and thinks he can continue to gaslight me but not giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me is also my power. Mentally I’m out. Thank you Dr R. You are the best and a life saver.
Dr. Ramani is literally saving lives. Your comment reminds me of my own situation.
Me too
Yes, I agree if the narcissist no longer has power over your mind it is liberating. At an advanced age to trade a home you put lots of work and creativity into for a dingy appartement or worse life in a RV is foolish, in my opinion. I learnt about narcissism 2 1/2 years ago , carved out my spaces of personal freedom and found emotional stability with the help of a therapist.
@@mariaawake4502 I agree with you, for me to leave will be trading my home, garden and neigbours who have become friends for a small apartment in a different area where I wouldn't know anyone because that is all I would be able to afford. I've checked out a great deal emotionally but my N husband still becomes aggressive and intimidating if I don't respond the way he wants. Thinking of moving out is a real dilemma for me in my senior years with no independent income.
I feel sad for all those in a similar situation.
Stay safe
I'm physically present but emotionally out of the relationship...focusing on myself during this healing journey. When you can't take it anymore they no longer matter.
I checked out mentally, and you could say spiritually, before I actually broached separation, and we proceeded to get divorced. In fact, there was a moment where he literally broke down in tears and said, “Everything I say makes you angry or sad. You used to be proud of me.” And he was absolutely right. He was remembering a time when he was my everything. But that was before he abused me for 20 years.
Same I checked out of my marriage mentality long before my ex laid hands on me and I left physically.
Could anyone be more thick? Geez...
Anyway, good for you.
YES! Finally you did a video on the exact situation I'm in. He's an annoying roommate, that's the way I look at him. I don't make enough money to leave. So I just do what I have to do day to day.
It's not always feasible to physically leave a toxic relationship, but breaking free mentally is a crucial step. It's about finding your freedom within the constraints of a toxic relationship. It's not always about trauma bonds, sometimes, it's just about surviving the circumstances you're in.
Right. Since the narcissist in my life will go out of their way to ruin me financially if I leave, and my plans for the rest of my life don't include living under a bridge, I'm getting therapy, engaging with my work, interests and family members/friends who care about me, and mentally detaching from this person so that their slings and arrows can't hurt me any more.
This is me. We sleep in separate rooms and pretty much live separate lives. The only things we do together are, we usually eat dinner together, and watch drag racing once a week and do the bills once a month. I feel like I’m single and not dating but married. I feel recognized and released from the shame of having to stay from watching this. Thank you ❤
This is the closest to my situation. Emotionally, I am long gone. I get on with life and since understanding about narcissists and how to deal with it. I am in a much better place too.
I can relate to what you say. You are not alone!
Wow - your post as well as the replies describe me as well and I'm surprised how many ppl are the same boat.
Felt like this before. It's terrible. I hope you have strength to find your happiness and a way out of this situation
Same situation, and I know quite a few long term couples in a similar situation. We've been lied to about lifelong happy marriages being a thing. They're the exception.
going dancing with girls tonight though, for the first time in YEARS ...I'm gonna start living again .
I'm just waiting till the youngest (9) is old enough to handle actual separation/divorce ..so about 10 years to go... tick tock
Such good advice! I can not leave my toxic relationship at this point as I am 85, but mentally the constant put downs roll off me like water on a ducks back! Am looking forward to your new book!
You’ve described my situation exactly. I’m financially tied to my narc husband due to a disability. Thanks to your videos I’ve finally understood what my husband’s behavior is about. You’ve saved my sanity and mental wellbeing. Thank you.
I hope you are able to find support on line. I had covid and long covid when my narc when well narc. The online groups saved my sanity! And provided support on my low days.
Dr Ramani is awesome and saved my sanity too!
🎉❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉this is not over yet
Did 14 years of hard time in that slammer. Made contact with him 20 minutes a day. Got strong, patient, goal orientated. I became bullet proof and fully operational when he finally left. Maintained a wicked sense of humor. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I get to recommend you offen to the new generation.
I don’t know you but your comment woke up something inside of me. Thank you💖 I hope your life is filled with happiness.
3:04 absolutely. Not only is it possible, it is an absolute necessity for some. I think only survivors understand.
People can be so know it all, judgemental and insensitive. I have had people say ‘you stayed too long’, ‘why did you date him’ , and ‘you just need to stand up for yourself’. It’s maddening. I did stand up for myself and I did get out when I could, but yes it is very complicated sometimes and not so simple. Keeping my boundaries with the ones I can’t totally leave like family members, mentally out from their drama for sure, figuring out if/how I show up to family dinners while protecting myself. I still ruminate and question leaving a successful but also toxic workplace, and toxic friends, wondering if I did the right thing, but learning to trust myself more. Breaking those mental chains as best I can. Focusing on my life and my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
Just yesturday in my session I talked about this.
Im in but done. So I remove myself when he acts up . I practice self care. I nutritionally keep myself balanced. Its not easy everyone but we can do this. Dr. Ramini you are an absolute gift
I can tell you, yes, you can. After a lifelong hellish marriage to a now sick and lonely partner who has no one else to turn to (I wonder why…) I am finally out. I keep taking care of my partner but I now live on a different universe. The anxiety, the resentment, it’s all gone. I focus on myself and have started to heal.
Yes history shows that people have coped with horrific experiences that were long term. But not without cost.
Yes. After about 30 years, stayed 10 more, I would close my eyes and lay down on the couch when i heard him coming in. Would leave the room busily when he came in. He finally left me. Thank goodness, but he made it almost as hard as if I left. Don't sign anything without a lawyer there.
I stayed for far longer than I should after realizing what was going on. This was mainly because I was still trapped in the relationship by the psychological abuse. He had me convinced that I wouldn't be alright on my own, and that my son and I would be homeless and starving. It took a couple of years to detox after leaving, but my life has magically transformed in some ways since then. The things I have now would never have been possible if I hadn't left.
I love your point that a person who is mentally out, but still physically in is more free than a person who is physically out, but still in mentally. I’ve done both, and I agree, 100%!
It is absolutely possible to mentally check yourself out of a narc relationship but still have to have someone involvement in their messy lives. I have no choice but to help my narcissistic mother out once a week with shopping and medical appointments because of my cultural duties as her daughter. However - I don’t go DEEP when she tries to cut me with her disgusting opinions of others, her unfair criticisms of me, her refusal to simply be a nice person. I don’t allow her to hurt me anymore. I do what I have to do, yellow-rock like hell and drive away for my 6 days of peace. Yeah she’s still a god awful person, but that’s on her. She ain’t going to change after 63 years but I can accept and overcome.
Wishing all survivors strength and peace ✌🏼 thanks Dr Ramani - I can’t wait to read your new book 📚
I’m out in every way but physically. Been married 42 ( DOG) years and have a big enough house where he’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. It works. I have chronic pain and other illnesses that prevent me from starting over. It works for me. He is nothing to me. Usually.
It still amazes me how he can surprise the hell out of me and still hurt me bad. I don’t trust him. These ppl are so f-cked up!
Let 😊
My answer is YES! I am mentally out of this relationship but still in it. Presently making my moves to get rid of and get out of the relationship with the narc I married. I have absolutely had enough!
Oh wow. Thank you for describing where I’m at so perfectly! Something happened earlier this year, a realization hit me, so forcefully and quickly.
It’s been 23 years of excuses and abuses.
I never knew it had a name, what I’ve gone through. But your series on covert narcissism had me sobbing on the floor, wondering how you could possibly know exactly what I’ve gone through. It blew my mind, I honestly wondered if you know my husband, like you’d lived in my marriage! All the things I never told anyone 😭
But….. we have a houseful of kids, and I haven’t worked a job in decades. My husband does completely financially support our household, but every other thing is on me. He comes home and sits. Either on the phone, TV, or video game. I’ve heard every possible future fake “when I get a better job I can spend more time with the kids” or when he makes more money, or when he’s less stressed. But I finally realized, he just doesn’t want to be here.
So I’m stuck.
Thank you for your videos Dr Ramani, I finally feel validated. ❤️
While it would be great not to have to share space, there is way too much loss that I would have to incur financially that at my age, I might never recover. Also, not having a stable support system when the inevitable "hoovering" would occur would just make matters worse. I have accepted that the person will not change and that they are going to be forever miserable. There will be a time when I may throw caution to the wind but I'm not there. So thank you Dr. Ramani for championing those of us that can't simply "get out of the relationship".
Yes. I've been mentally out of it for a long time. Once I learned that it was narcissistic, it just confirmed my decision to exit.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Ramani! Most people do not understand that "I'm out without being out." I can't leave due to disability and finances, but I no longer take meals with or sleep with my cheating, verbally abusive narcissistic spouse. I feel more like my old self again. ❤
Congrats on your achievement ❤. So brave and smart of you. Much peace!!
@@fabianamatano2512 thank you! 😊
Minimizing contact is the key but sometimes it still feels dangerous so go gray rock but be prepared for pushback. I am thankful because mine finally left for good by just disappearing when I went for a walk last spring. He could have done damage again or become physically abusive again after I let him back in my home for the second time for financial reasons ❤️🩹 I may lose my beautiful place to live but at least I’m not afraid anymore
I think so too. I’m completely shut down going on 5 years now, but we’re still together just for medical, housing, and kids. It was the manipulative threats to run away with the kids and the other manipulative threats to to beat the kids and “knock their teeth out” and then deny these threats were ever made and gaslight us all, layered over years of past infidelity, that pushed me over. And with a clever narcissist you can’t prove anything successfully in court so you’re stuck.
Try secretly recording her threats and her verbal abuse and even placing a video recorder in your home to gather the evidence you'll need in divorce court.
Yes. I'm never planning to see my mother again, but since she ruled my life against my consent for forty years, she never leaves my thoughts for very long. Nor does the anger that comes with it.
Absolutely. It saves your sanity.
"Mentally out" can be with and without intention. I was unintentially out via dissociation for many years. As I eventually learned more and more about NPD and the Cluster B disorders, I came back mentally, but it made the emotional abuse more painful. This made it critical for me to get physically out. I sacrificed a lot to escape physically. No matter what the sacrifice, even to my very life, I am better off than I was being regularly exposed to my ex.
I wouldve been thrilled if I would’ve gotten this information sooner and left. The main hurdle for me is going to be mentally battling grief, regrets, and memories.
The only regret I have is that I didn't know what a narcissist was 45 years ago when I first met him. Discussions about mental health have come a long way since then.
@@twovirginiacats3753
😯🫢 I wish this information would’ve been provided to the public as well. It wouldve saved people back them a lot of grief and heartache. Im glad you know now and many are becoming educated. best wishes to you!💕
Yes, this is me too. I'm married on paper and mentally divorced. The truth is, you can be hurt only so many times until you have to step out - either physically or mentally.
Thank you!
Totally my goal is now clarified.
This was very validating and valuable.
Dr Ramani I came across one of your videos about two and a half years ago. I just about fell off my chair when I heard you talk about narcissism, describing my husband to a T. I cried everyday for six months as the deep emotional dam broke. It’s been a long road of healing and although I can’t physically leave I can say unequivocally, I am out. After twenty five years of abuse I feel at peace within myself. Of course I still have to deal with him daily, however, I expect nothing and ask nothing of him. Thank you for helping me see the truth. I will forever be grateful ❤
This is why!!!!! You will always be my number one go to person. I've been there and know what it's like. I got out but know that no matter where you are physically or mentally it's HARD. Survive anyway you can and I hope one day you realize that you are worth more than what that relationship is or was. Wishing you peace in whatever form you can find it in the new year!!!💖💯
The mental and emotional healing was the key. I did all of that work while still married to the narc. Without that I would not have physically made it out because once I did my body fell apart and the rest of the trauma bond had to be dealt with. If I had still loved him and hoped it could still be fixed I wouldn't have been able to leave and stay gone. I wasn't just done by then but I was f*$#ing done. IMO you need to get there before you can leave without yoyoing back and forth.
You're the only one saying this, and it's such a relief! Thank you. I've stopped crying, I ruminate much less, I'm sleeping better, and best of all, my new friends and community know this is an "on paper" relationship and don't ask about it. Yay!!!
Thank you so much for this... it's where I am right now and I think I'm actually in a really good place. I was hoping and trying for a way out for a long time before realizing God was gonna help me right where I'm at... and He IS! Why we should be so surprised at this is beyond me... but I really am growing and healing right here and right now, in spite of all the obstacles in my life, and looking forward to my tomorrows and working on some of the life goals I've decided on, the first and most important being getting my health back - one day at a time.
We do not live in a world where people can just easily leave. Thanks you for this.
No contact is not an option for me due to sharing caregiver responsibilities for my mom with an older sister, who is very narcissistic and abusive at times. Reading, therapy and watching wonderful videos like this has helped me immensely and I hope it helps others. I don’t have a perfect track record….. it’s still something that can really spin me around for a couple of days after being in the environment but the recovery time is much shorter than it was a few years ago thank God.
I think YES absolutely... if we are no longer allowing that person to live rent-free in our head!
Thank you so much for posting this! This is exactly! What I am doing and how I am living. If I had the financial means, I’d be out in a heartbeat. I had no idea he discarded me in 2012 (we had a little toddler and I was head over heels for him) and I gobbled up the breadcrumbs he threw me over the years. meanwhile, he’s been cheating pretty much our entire 14 year marriage and he’s always been the side-dude for his first gf in HS who is married to his friend from middle school (they’ve been married for about 27 years and my Cheater cheated on his first wife in the late 90’s with the same AP). I see him for what he is now once I found out he was a serial cheater three years ago yesterday. It’s not a great existence but I have plans.
People leave relationships long before they have ended.
Definitely, at least to a large extent. When you realize the main thing you've done wrong is enter a serious relationship with someone who has turned out to be disingenuous, it's an important survival tool to use until you can physically remove yourself. You can't make them into something else, and you have to protect your mind. 😢
Great video today, Dr. Ramani! I wish there was a way for the people who are a part of this wonderful community to help each other get out of these toxic relationships sooner. We all come from different places with different experiences and skill sets. I think it would be amazing if we could pair up with others who have skills we need so we can level up our situation and move on from these toxic people. ❤
It's worse when it's a primary care giver .
As we developed from a child, we carry with us the insanity of the narcissist .
Thanks Dr. I call it deciding to grow despite the relationships. I wish I could have left much sooner but I did get out. I am in a great spot now but have had lots of therapy, support groups because the pain drove me to it. It wasn't a I guess I am tired of this _ it was slow. Other people always have a opinion. The only one who counts is me. Healthy boundaries a lifetime class.
I did this when I was my narc father's caregiver at the end of his life. I did the job, but I was emotionally detached.
I am a psychotherapist and know about my husbands narcisissm for about 20 years.
We have two now adult children together. I myself suffered from depression and anxiety during my early adulthood. No therapist draw the connection to the marriage I has been in.
Now I myself are helping victims from narcisdistic abuse.
I considered leaving my husband during the last months
because my income is increasing.Having an office together my free lancer job that I love above all would be on risk. It would be emotional difficult for me to leave our house at the age of 62. Thank you Dr Ramani for your clear words: yes you can heal and manage your life without leaving.
I've definitely made it to a better place by knowing what to expect. Taking care of myself and being emotionally neutral when he tries to pick a fight are the most helpful tools. I take my time with what I am about to say, which only throws him off because I use logic first and THEN how I feel. Just switching the order has impacted so many conversations and kept them from turning into arguments. I still don't get an apology for my hurt feelings, but he's too busy trying to wiggle his way out of the facts to insult me further.
For me, it was a combination of therapy and 12-Step recovery in al-anon. Especially the serenity prayer. Eventually, God granted me the courage to change my marital status.
I was out before I even realized it. The last 2 years of a 6 year relationship, was when I started packing up in my head and organizing like a mad woman, so I could identify what was mine. Conscious, rather unconscious denial is a big thing. I was emotionally DONE! It was a blessing when he yelled at me in a disagreement one day and did not stop or try to understand, (not even my viewpoint). He could not compromise to make peace, he just kept shouting at me. At that point... I was out! It became a blessing to see what I was actually already preparing for, which was leaving for good. Thanks, Dr. R 🙏❤
My prayers to those who have ties that make it harder to leave.
I Honestly Think You Can Never Be Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship Mentally.Narcissistic Abuse Is A
Soul Destruction Which Can Lead To Depression Absolutely No Self Esteem.And Self Hate
Not until the narcissist is gone. This happened to me a few times over many years of dealing with one. The first time I noticed it was when he went to jail for a few years. I had a sudden burst of energy and happiness that I hadn't felt in a number of years. My relaxed demeanor was noticeable to those around me.
I actually thought I could save the ones who betrayed me. After I tried and cried, that's when I had to say good bye. I chose my peace over abuse. I don't care what others think of me anymore. My rule for me : I say what I mean, mean what I say and I'm not mean when I say it. If what I have to say is mean, I don't bother, I walk away. Ty Dr. R
Yes! If I had a money fairy, I would hire someone to handle my elderly mom's care needs and never see her again. It's a big enough blessing she can afford to be in assisted living and not in my home anymore. It still takes a toll having to interact with her on a weekly basis. Finally learning not to react her to and take the bait has made a huge difference, and feels like a bit of revenge that she knows all her old tactics don't work on me anymore. But it has made her more angry and hostile towards me, increasing the amount of abuse aimed in my direction. As Dr Ramani says, you can't win.
Thank you for this. It’s so difficult for many to just “get out.” We should focus on getting ourselves healthy and thriving in the meantime.
Thank you Dr. Ramini. Your understanding and explanation of my (and others) situation with several narcissists over the course of my 70 years has given me a healthy way to cope.
Some narcissists I have been able to leave, some I'm unable to. But now I know what to do to stay sane and be my true self, at least around the people I trust. It's a small group, but that's ok.
My life is much more peaceful now and I'm grateful. ❤
Thanks so much for addressing this... I had to finish it today because he came home in the middle of it... ❤❤❤❤
It’s called Grey Rock and Yellow Rock 24/7/365 at the mental level
There are survivors literally doing this with narcissistic people in their lives at home and at work- they’re physically interacting with narcissistic people
Keep it functional and transactional but at the same time maintain protecting their boundaries
Yes you can. Married to a Narc for 25yrs now and recently I totally pulled out psychologically but still staying under the same roof
Yes. I have been on the journey of getting emotionally out for the past almost year. I know it will be hard when he actually leaves, because every step has been hard, but I know it's what I want and if he could tomorrow, I would be happy. I'm mostly concerned he won't and I'll have to get law enforcement involved. I just want him to leave peacefully. 😔
I hope he leaves of his own accord, so you can move on and find peace! ❤
Amen you can't always leave.. I'm finding it helpful to wrote down all the gaslighting and things he does so when I am able to leave I have it all written down so I won't be tempted to be sucked back in.. If nothing else I'll write a book to help others.
I have been listening to podcasts about narcissism for maybe a year or two now, and you are the first person who I’ve heard say this. It’s so important. Thank you for your great information-every video is so helpful!
Thank you! I stayed 3 yrs to pay off a car! I was older and knew I had to live on small income! When it began to be evident it wasn’t safe I just left and lived with my son and family for awhile! I know there are reasons ppl have to stay but it’s also very possible to disengage mentally! My ex knew it too and it all got worse to drive me out! He had new supply in his sights !!
I disengaged and avoid them all now. But still have the arguments over and over again in my head with a father long dead. Kicking myself for the good life I gave up for my family in my ignorance, and need for the love they could never return. How do you heal, knowing most of your life was deliberately thrown away by those you loved.
I empathise so much with your words. It’s gut wrenching thinking about what could have been. The grief and anger can be crippling. Doing the work to radically accept and make sense of the pain is so daunting but I wish you every success. There’s a huge community of survivors who understand and have your back. Sending you strength and peace ✌🏼 Take care and know in your heart it was never your fault or in your control
This exactly. What life could I have had if I wasn't bending over backwards for people who NEVER returned the same regard? For people who still try to do it even now, because I'm unable to go no contact and those demons just won't die already.
The main thing is that you have to accept what happened. Stop asking WHY? because you'll go to your grave asking WHY? and still not have the answers you want. My WHY? is that my parents are broken people who were broken by their parents; it's generational trauma. They didn't love themselves enough to work through their problems, so how could I have expected love from people who were incapable of giving it to themselves? I've heard a lot of excuses when I confronted them about it, and I have yet to see any changed behaviors. Okay, that's fine. My father will never admit he is a spineless coward, and my mother will never admit that all her anger does is destroy.
Their problems are worth more to them than I ever was. That's been obvious since I was a child, but I've finally accepted it. Here is my evidence, staring me in the face. It's not going to change because THEY don't want it to. That's who THEY choose to be. That's not who I choose to be. I will do better. I've had enough of being shit on for existing when I never asked to exist in the first place or certainly would not have chosen them for parents.
Mourn and grieve what you lost. Feel all those feelings and know they are valid. You are human, and you're allowed to be hurt or angry or sad. Make the present and the future better for yourself. This time it's about you, and it's okay to be selfish and meet your own needs. You are allowed to have needs and desires and goals. Go get 'em. The best thing about this difficult time is that there's no one to stop you from having the things you want and the things you were denied. You have the power to do it yourself!
I wish you the best. I'm right there with you struggling to figure things out and pick up those decades of broken pieces. Take care of yourself.
@TheJustinhcase 100% disengage, I feel your hurt from betrayal, going through the same myself, I don't know if it is possible to heal completely, but when we start filling our life with other things, start giving that importance to ourselves, we can move ahead, and suffering will reduce. It is tough. Stay well
@@spacegirl226 yes, it is ok to feel hurt. Yes, will never know WHY?! I should've stopped looking for reasons. Yes, they can't give what they don't have, what the hell could I expect! Yes, generational trauma has to be broken.
I second your story completely. ❤
Finally someone who totally gets it
Thank god for this...bc I've been feeling like i mentally detached from my narc relationship as soon as their mask dropped, years ago. I was tied to them financially and unfortunately still need to emotionally detach from the assets that were taken from me. I like to think i essentially paused myself as to not deteriorate with the abuse, but my lack of ability to connect to anything meaningful is really taking a toll on my humanity. Need a group or activity...
Simple answer is YES and i am a living proof of it. Almost years 30 of living with her, totally understand that she wont change tho still living her.
It is absolutely possible. I was “out” emotionally for at least 10 years.
Yes! I knew he was not normal but he was dangerous so I had to slip slide out of it. My rock bottom was realizing that you can be bipolar 1 AND a narcissist. The bad behavior was NOT due to his bipolar. Also he stopped taking care of mental health and weaponized his bipolar to manipulate me.
Take a look inside my house and see the same, this time last year. 😢
Our son is a narcissist. I put up with it for 13 plus years so I could see our grandson. Well when he started abusing our grandson I turned him into CPS because he would not listen to me and stop. Now I can no longer see my grandson. Which I knew they would do because both our grandson s parents are narcissistic. It’s been 11 months since we have been able to see him. I’m heartbroken. Narcissist are extremely mean and our grandson is paying the price of us not complying with our son and his girlfriend.
Can't you file for grandparent's rights or guardianship. I'm no lawyer, but I would think you would have some rights. Just something to think about.
I'm sorry that you can't visit with your grandson. That is sad, but hopefully he is some where safe. I'm just sorry.
@@mday3821 we did but if two “fit parents file an affidavit saying they don’t want us to see our grandson, the judges hands are tied. You could tell the judge knew what they were doing when he told them he hoped they were really doing what was best for their son.
@@mday3821 he is with his mom. She is not a physical abuser like his dad is but she gaslights my grandson to believe she is a victim with us who tried to help. She left our grandson with his dad when he was 5 and often standing him up so she could be with her new boyfriends. We have aided him for 8 years while she was as barely in the picture. She is telling our grandson she didn’t see him much because we took “control “ of him. When what we were doing is filling the void she left. If you’re familiar with narcissists you know how they twist things😤
I agree with you that it definitely is possible. Radical acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness (true internal forgiveness not absolution) are key factors.
Just a couple of days ago I asked my ex to help me in a small matter when going to an event with our child (we drove separate cars); instead I got a message telling me that by asking for her help I was; "behaving like a baby", that all her "good feelings" she had towards me had gone, and that she was so upset by me that she now couldn't attend the event. It is a tactic she has used before on me, and before it would have worked to hurt me.
Because I have radically accepted things I don't let this behaviour or words get to me anymore. Whereas the exact same routine would have made me feel upset I could just let it go, let her go off to do her own thing (fashion shopping for herself) and I will continue to attend the event with just me and my daughter.
Whereas previously I would have tried to chase her, apologise (for whatever perceived wrong I had been accused of), and try to smooth her mood, now I don't.
I expect her emotional attacks when they come and just let them wash past me like some rubbish floating past down a river off to get lost in a far off ocean somewhere.
I can then keep my mental energy and focus on the actual present situation in that moment; that there is a party; that everyone else at the party (especially my daughter & myself) are going to have a great time. And, we all did.
"I know this person is a RAGING Narcissist" OMG, YES!!!! Self-employed, NEED the health insurance and have been sooo financially abused and kept in the dark about his assets from large inheritance terrified to go up against this malignant, truly delusional person in court. Plus I don't have the money to retain a lawyer or a forensic accountant just to help me have my entitlements to sale of house years ago and pension after 26 years of isolated marriage. Not looking to "cash in" just be able to retire.
Thanks & good job! You hit the nail on the head. Escaping toxic relationships is hard. Our culture perpetuates these toxic patterns. I feel like a pioneer exploring new territory and blazing new trails. I want to help move the needle in the culture war by practicing healthy relationship patterns. Don't settle. Break the cycle. We got this!
I was there in the last months before I got out, time during which I was working on the plan to get out. I noticed that my ex responded to this negatively - she was unhappy that I was no longer fighting her on things.
Her som biologically, mine by relationship, recently expressed a desire for "Her to get help and you to get out so everybody could be happy." Tried to explain how I was pretty much ok and I was staying to try and buffer the toxic environment to aid my minor. daughter. Your video today articulates the point so well. I'll take mentally out but physically in over physically out mentally in any day of the week!
I read the title and knew exactly what you meant. That was my home. I was waiting for reasons related to our children and money. In hind site it was the right decision for my children. It was still terrible but it would have been worse. I owe you so much, such a long story. So many broken people. Really, thank you for so much help.
Hi Everyone. I think I dodged a huge bullet because my ex boyfriend(who in my opinion is a narcissist) gave me the complete discard(in the moment it happened it completely broke me emotionally) now almost 2 months later after the breakup I feel like it was a blessing in disguise(sometimes I have a difficult time with why it happened and how fast it happened it still hurts a lot) I take it one day at a time and I enjoy things that make me happy and talk therapy helps me a lot. I wish everyone well in their own healing journey however that may look like to all of you. ♥️.
Definitely think being mentally out of the relationship is crucial and I am starting this process at the moment from my Dad. What has been the best thing by far is realizing I'm not crazy. My goal is to be mentally out but won't be able to have a complete break as my daughter is still in contact with him and she is not at the mentally out stage and may never be. I will be there to support her until/if she is ready to cut him off completely. My Dad has cut my sister off cos he knows she sees him and won't tolerate his behaviour and confronts him. I have also done so but I do still back away from confrontation due to trying to protect my daughter. 😢
In my situation, there wasn’t the option of physically being in the same space or even staying in contact. As long as I was present he would continue to play mind games. In my case it had to be no contact. This route is never easy but for some it is necessary.
Once the light bulb was turned on in trauma therapy, it took me 3 years to physically get away from my ex husband. So, yes, I was mentally out 1st.
I think I went mentally leaving the relationships with my nex and NM slowly. In both cases I was living in the same house but each did our own thing. Then I left physically when I was economically able to.
I really hope so , but have been in this marriage 58 years, and only realised what he has done and been up to since we were first married. Thanks for the advise
I resonate deeply with the notion of being mentally absent while physically present; it's a reality I faced both with my ex-husband and my narcissistic mother. With my ex, disconnection took time, about 18 months to untangle myself from the trauma bond. Conversely, with my mother, I detached early, physically leaving at 17, but the mental disconnection took years. Even now, it's through therapy that I'm starting to free myself from lingering echoes of her voice in my mind. Accepting my indifference towards her has been a challenge others may not grasp, but ironically, it's a crucial step when dealing with deep narcissists. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your invaluable work in guiding people through these complex relationships. I've pre-ordered your book, eagerly anticipating the guidance it offers, arriving at just the right moment in my life.
My mother, 85, told me something only a few days ago. Until the seventies the German still law said, that a wife couldn't even take up a job, without the husband giving his written consent to it. Total financial dependence. "Where should I have gone with no money and three little children? And I noticed: it's my own unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS that hurt me. So I stopped expecting ANYTHING from him and created my own life, friendships, activities, within the possibilities that were my reality then. It worked. I made myself happy. He never could." My mother is the most positive person I have ever met.
Surprisingly, I was only able to see my husband’s narcissism when he started showing it towards my daughter. And yes, I stayed for economic reasons but totally disengaged at emotional level.
It’s so sad 😞 I hope you and your daughter find your strength. 🤍🤍
I experience such angry rage. But Except it because i understand now the tactics
Oh absolutely!! Once that mental bond was broken it’s so much easier to heal! Once that switch flips it’s like freedom 🤍 keep going baby🫶🏼
The hardest thing to do is to walk away. As we Love all at the same timenot being our true self is NOT an option. We all will survive no matter where we get to travel 😉✌️❤️🌳 ##thankyouall ##enjoythejourney
Yes, this is me now. The person that is DONE. I am not sure how long I have been done by now. Maybe when I realized my toxic mother is a narcissist. Maybe when I started setting boundaries. Maybe when I watched this video. Either way, I am done letting the narcissists in my life upset me. I just need to remember not to react to them or I will just succeed in giving them narcissistic supply.
Yes, unless you deal with a control freak that wants your full attention, wants full control over your thoughts, control over your life.. When they abuse/punish you because you try to be mentally out... Then it's better to go NO CONTACT.
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani ! This was valuable and timely advice. You are a gem 💎
Yes you need to put a lot of effort into getting rid of these evil abuses. Despite soul crushing experiences you are strong enough to get out of them.
This is so validating. I struggled with going low/no contact with my in-laws for a few years, but now, on the few occasions I do have interactions with them, I know I made the right and healthy choice. I have moved on and embraced and done things that were healthy for me and my family and that would help my support myself if I ever found the need to do so. Nothing really surprises me anymore and even if these people changed, I still wouldn't want to be their "friend." From the very beginning, 25+ years ago, they made it clear that I was not welcomed and seen as a threat, but they sure were "kind" when they needed something from me. No more. It is very empowering.
So Brilliant, and so Validating. in support groups, I always say that No Contact needs to be Mental No Contact as well. So powerful, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
You absolutely can, yes! I know cause I was physically in one when I was living with my narc father and enabling mother but whilst I was I was also mentally out because I could see through all the bullshit and wasn't playing his game anymore. Hers either. I'm not trying to downplay the enablers role because they're (at least in my eyes) just as guilty as the narc. As soon as I stopped playing his selfish silly games I was feeling better physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. It really does feel like it takes a load off your shoulders. And empowered! Boy does it ever make you feel empowered!
Ah yes, makes sense now. I was wondering why even after segregating physically and limited contact, I was still not getting better. I let them in my head, always ruminating, living with the thinking feeling loop. They guilt tricked me pretty well.😅
I checked out some time ago! We cohabit a house but I'm not really there. I just grey rock her whenever she tries to bait me into an argument. I go off to my areas of the house and pretend that she is not there the rest of the time. Our kids have all put up barriers because they don't want to put up with, or inflict on their kids, the toxic way their mother behaves. Naturally, she is not to blame, but is the victim of the unjust treatment she is receiving.
Thank you so much for this video! 🙏✨. You gave me an immense amount of peace. This is exactly where I’m at at present and it’s so hard to explain this to family and friends
🙏 they don’t understand….
I realised when I was in holiday that he actually wasn't interested in me as a person and that he felt threatened by me. When I got back I experimented by sometimes giving my own opinion about things. He soon came down on me like a ton of bricks. Now I just don't engage and let him fall flat on his face if he wants to. It's quite entertaining really.
My husband did this with his parasitic narcissist ex for the sake of their daughter. He did all the housework, then his two jobs, paid the entire household bills for a decade until he finally broke. He asked for a divorce. She took everything, tortured their daughter with parental alienation of him (his daughter died at 40 after long heroin use), and my husband has PTSD to this day that he’s dealing with bravely. He was damned if he stayed, and she damned him to hell when he left. Just because you endure it, and “feel” removed, you are still being tortured.