OMG! 100% my ex-husband! "I don't know why I did it. I guess it was just for fun, it was just a game, those women wouldn't leave me alone. I only wrote to them what they wanted to hear. You wanna throw 10 years of marriage away? There are men who do much worse"! Well he had thrown our marriage in the toilet, I only flushed.
@@RockingArt “You want to throw 10 years of marriage away?” Like you did it! They shift the blame. Mine says the same type of thing. I reminded him that although I left physically, he left in every other possible way long before I did. As if it isn’t devastating enough, they try to blame us.
@@Carol-mq6fe Yes, and he makes himself believe that I left for totally different reasons, because he is totally delusional and in denial about himself, and it is not only being a narcissist but several other mental disorders and addictive behavior. And he blames too much wine for literally everything, that "messed him up"! So, he actually stopped drinking any alcohol before I left and now he thinks he is cured. When I confronted him with proof after I left, he said first "I never did that!, Then "I don't remember" and finally "I was messed-up"! That's it! And, of course, he is "sorry for everything", but doesn't say what exactly he is sorry for.
A lot of people don't understand what cheating is. I always say you have to get into a person's head before you get in the bed. If your spouse or significant other is courting an inappropriate relationship with someone behind your back you're being cheated on. The sex is the final act.
Every Narky is bad at sex. They can pull it off the first few times...but after that, they can't get off unless it's coercive, deceptive, cheating, or hurtful.
@@lindac6919 How flaws can one have ?Genesis 9 God went on to bless Noah and his sons and to say to them: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.+ 2
@GodGunsGutsandNRA And not always good sex. I used to hear people say "the sex was so good". I disagree. There may have been sex but there was no connection
The worst part is that they'll feel completely justified in doing it too so when they're caught they reverse it on you and they become the victim because they're so "neglected". They love the attention and having a secret.
Yes, "what matters is what it does to us." Even when it starts with a winking or heart shaped emoji, later the narcissist gets bolder. They may embarrass you in front of people by flirting, touching, hugging someone in front of you! They may never sleep with this person, but there is always the knowledge that you are no longer respected and were never loved.
Yeah so many narcissistic people have sex addictions but they never deal with the root of their addiction and they traumatize so many people on account of it x
If they treat the relationship with you like a business transaction - constantly on the look for someone better and open to other "suggestions" - then they are not worth your time/energy, regardless of whether they've been caught cheating.
The scorpion is always going to sting is well said. I had a real pet brown scorpion it ate crickets. I saved it from being killed by a deeply damaged narcissistic human. The sexting is super damaging. I love this channel ❤ Thanks
I got sucked into this with a guy and have struggled with feeling so much shame. I don’t think he was in a relationship, but neither were we and I feel like he coerced me, manipulating me into engaging when I didn’t really want to. 😢 Working on forgiving myself and healing. Will never do that again. I kept better boundaries with the next inappropriate guy who came along thankfully. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I'm just so grateful the Narcissist wanted to tell me he was in LOVE with a younger woman and "SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ME" to try to hurt me. He had really admitted to an affair, so I felt able to divorce him immediately. After 15 years of his lying and sneaky behavior, his porn and fetish addictions, I got away. The betrayal trauma has been soul crushing. 3 years after divorce, it's like a bad dream, and I'm feeling almost better. I realize I made the mistake in choosing this Narcissist. This will NEVER happen to me again. Thanks Dr. Ramini. I have watched you daily and read your books. 🎉❤🎉
Same boat here with me, especially his lying and his fetish addiction. If I'd known about it, I would've never married him at all. I'm still trying to heal from the betrayal.
I went through this for more years than I care to admit. Everything you just said described these years that I went through with the narcissist. Every day I woke up, wondering who I had to be better than today to get his attention. I wish I would’ve kicked him out sooner.
I'm glad to see the word "sooner," implying that you finally did. I'm hope now you know a healthy relationship isn't a competition. That's not what it's supposed to be. Not at all.
Narcissists have no problem cheating on you, they see nothing wrong with it. But if it happens to them, the big vein in their head would POP! Talk about double standards. Just like everything else in their life, it's ok for them but not you. Narcissists: "We were just spooning, I swear. It's not like we were forking".
Don’t forget how they may use those pictures against you later on and hold them over your head if they need something from you. Just don’t do it with anyone. Not safe. And narcissists have no limit for how low they will go.
You can do it with people you trust, just never take pictures that show your face. If they end up turning on you, they may show the pictures to other people and say it's you, but there's no real proof. Even if it shows tattoos, you can say a lot of people have similar tattoos. You can even paint over your tattoos and show people they're "different", then the narcissist will sound like the nasty and crazy one if he accuses you of doing so after "exposing" you.
The list of games and gaslighting of narcissists is infinite. They always wins, if someone doesn't want problem with those people, better not to even know them. When I discovered boundaries is the best stuff I practiced in my life. Thanks for sharing 🙏 peace and blessings to everyone
"they always win" so true!!! Before I knew anything about narcissism, I tried playing along for a while but he was on a whole nother level. There was no way I could match his manipulation. His goal wasn't just to win but to deliver a humiliating defeat.
They always do this. Once you fall in love with them they need an escape. That comes from secretly texting others...and when they give YOU the silent treatment, they're texting someone else without a care. They aren't capable of monogamy.
Another red flag for me in my marriage was, he didn’t know how to satisfy me. I know what felt wonderful, he used covert crazy making shape shifting to blame me. I felt insane saying what I liked and wanted. He was caught by our son and because our son I believed over my husband, his very dark and lengthy porn world was discovered. He is my ex today. Leaving sooner and focusing on new life without him is my hope for others. I stayed and after treatment, it got worse. A narcissist and an addict. The combo isn’t going to be healthy.
I got sucked into a situation for many years, I no longer carry shame. My heart continues to ache for my inner child but, my inner adult is excited and thrilled for a future away from my narc system. If you’re struggling on going no contact with a narc unit DO IT. I’m not full no contact yet but, I have significantly reduced my contact and have been gray rocking whenever they reach out. And my life has began to improve in the best ways. Stay strong friends WE’VE GOT THIS ❤
Genesis 44 Later he commanded the man who was over his house: “Fill the bags of the men with as much food as they can carry, and place the money of each one in the mouth of his bag.+ 2
There's no two ways about it. That very first time they take another person's number and lie about having it you never forget or get over. It haunts you when you're still with a Narc. 🍒
You are an invaluable source of insight, truth and healing. "how would you feel..,." Is the question that no narcissist can answer because of their low empathy and insight, which also means they really can't offer a meaningful apology.
Oh I can answer that question. Whenever I present my narc with the “how would you feel?” Question….her response is “I don’t care, I’m not you so I’m not insecure”
Mine never responded like I didn't ask the question. I would repeat the question. Never a response. I finally gave up. That wS before I heard the term narcissism and NPD. Now I understand why he never responded
Sex isn't the problem with cheating. The problem with cheating is that your consent was violated. You did not have accurate information of the state of your relationship because the other person is with-holding that information for you, so you are not ABLE to fully consent to everything that then happens in the relationship. That's why sexting is also a problem in these situations--it's a violation of consent.
Betrayal is betrayal and it wreaks havoc in your psyche as you have described. Hell is wrong with those broken people. It’s definitely not you, it’s them. Narcisists are insane individuals who are destroying other people and their lives.
I left my marriage 6 months ago after another rageful outburst of abuse. He was in the next room on multiple dating sites. Used them all through the marriage. My children (adults now) at various ages discovered porn and dating sites. One recently told me he was 12 when he saw them. How terrible that my child felt he had to keep that secret, he felt ashamed. I reassured him, the same as when his sister found the same years before. It's not your fault, you were protecting me and scared of him. I think vlog for the children who discover their parents' disgusting behaviour would be good. Dr R. It's really affected my children.
My narc and I met online. It got really intense, really fast. He sexted me really quickly and I just thought it was him being super confident (he is very handsome, so he also has that going for him). He was "super excited", "couldn't sleep" and was all amped up to meet me. We had sex on our second time meeting. He talked trash about his ex. .. Ff 5 months later, I find out he actually broke up with her during the summer, so there was an overlap between me meeting him, and him breaking up. He had called her his "crazy" ex. ..I believed it then.
They may also encourage their close married friends that online dating or texting and making inappropriate connections is appropriate and there is nothing wrong with this type of cheating.
Thank you Dr.Ramani, for explaining this sexting dynamic. When all the signs of betrayal are there and it may be utterly covert and denied, and maybe not even happening, it is still very therapeutic to hear this information. Betrayal is real, whether it is dangled as a gaslighting technique or if it is a behaviour grounded in reality. It is validating and rationalizing to hear it is not the partner’s fault, nor the partner’s unhealthy issue. This connection, grounded in reality, helps loosen the bonds of trauma, supports individuation and radical acceptance of the scorpion-like intention that has no bearing on the partner. Freedom and peace are found here. Thank you, once again, Dr.Ramani, for your generous public service. I deeply appreciate it.🙏❤️
If a person can drive almost 1000 miles to be with you for less than 30 minutes on multiple occasions and without any notice only there trying to sleep with you is not OK and being called names after saying no is not OK. I am not bad for not wanting to be around a person that already has a partner and I am not bad for setting boundaries
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
This is exactly my husband,,,,am 100 💯 sure something is wrong ...the very very exact thing am going through right now. Iam tired I just want to leave😢
When the narcissists in our lives push the limit, we do wonder what's wrong with us, or what we did. But REALLY, it isn't us. But, although we know, it still hurts.
Genesis 45 At this Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants.+ So he cried out: “Have everyone leave me!” No one else stayed with him while Joseph made himself known to his brothers.+ 2
It seems like every topic she has been posting is something that has recently occurred in my relationship. My partner may not talk to other women but he would lie to me about who he added on Facebook and say I’m “just jealous.” He would watch inappropriate videos of women on TH-cam then when he “stopped” doing that or reduced it he began checking inappropriate stories of females on the Snapchat discover page. I also caught him sexualizing someone he arrested for a DUI with one of his coworkers saying he’s going to check on her after work. Despite 30 min later texting me how much he cares about me. Then when I confronted him about that text he blame shifts “why are you going through my phone? I’m changing my password! You need to stop going through my phone!” Instead of saying I’m really sorry I said that I did not mean to make you feel like I want another woman. I truly am sorry and I will not be inappropriate with my coworkers. I care about you and how you feel. Nope! It’s always my fault aka going through his phone and finding those half naked women or text to his coworker was my problem!
My Ex from Texas wanted to do this Sex thing with me after 15 years not hearing from eachother, he is Married and has 5 Kid's, I didn't play, he got really upset🤢🤮🤮🤮
I am from the old school, where we did not have phones in our pockets growing up in the high school. There was no Sexting. There was nothing like that. I did not understand when this first came out why people would do disgusting things like that. I have sexted and I never will and if someone sends me anything remotely disgusting like that, including pictures I would immediately block them. There is no reason there is no value in it. It is vile disgusting, and vulgar. What happens between people should never ever ever ever be put on a phone ever.
@@lauriepolden6594 back before sexting, before cell phones, there was phone sex. Remember those late night commercials, advertising women, barely dressed, waiting for his phone call? I guess that was even more risky, as the phone bills would come in unusually high, but the narcissists never cared about the risk of getting caught. In fact, I think that made it more exciting…the fooling you, getting away with it. Technology is a narcissists best friend.
❤ I don’t care what anyone says it’s cheating and if someone got the chance to not get caught with said sexting partner and get away with it they most likely would.
I’m saving this for future. Not that it’s sexting but it reminds me of what narcissistic behavior does to me. One event this summer sent me flying and I didn’t do a thing to deserve it. And no one seems to blink an eye. It’s not normal and not kind. Thank you 🙏
How can anyone lack the ability to think about the way the behaviors they engage in would affect them as they WILL affect another? I don't understand the lack of empathy.
@@sandradonovan5991 but can you not still imagine the way someone else would feel hurt by your actions? Or that if you would feel hurt or betrayed that they would too?
@@erinward2983no, they actually cannot. That ability died with their true self in childhood when they created the false self as a defensive coping mechanism. Their true self never develops which is essential for empathy. Tack this on to the fact that narcissists do not see people as autonomous beings. Everybody is an object (not a real person) whose sole function is to give the narcissist narcissistic supply… period. Objects don’t have feelings.
I had to cut off contact from a childhood friend when I reached out in a DM to find out his wife has stage 4 cancer. He started sexting me which totally discussed me and cut contact. Always knew he was a narcissist but this proved it. 🤮
Thank you Sexting is disrespectful and hurtful and is not acceptable I left him the moment I found out about it (and then once away identified all the other things he had been doing and who he really was)
I felt so ashamed and felt like I couldn't provide for him. He was my first everything, highschool sweethearts, together for 10 years, engaged, was there when my mother passed from cancer. How could someone do things with someone they said they'd love forever and talk about a future together and go to bed with them and at the same time plan on who they are gonna be with next. I hope any person who comes across his path gets out safe
All of this, and the fact that my husband spent hundreds of dollars most months on this habit, for several years, while we were supposed to be saving for a home, is devastating. I would rather die than have to be navigating through this horrible mess he’s made of our 39 year marriage. I don’t think I will ever recover. I ran for my sanity. I hate my life.
I ran after 45 years. He was doing this with a woman on the other side of the world in Canada. She came to Scotland earlier this year on a holiday (it was to meet up with my husband) and I was supposed to think this was ok. It was not ok at all. I left him in July and have had no contact with him since. He is 68 and she is 73 and she ended up in hospital for an emergency heart valve surgery while she was here, he was running back and forward to the hospital twice a day as though she was the only one in the world that mattered. It was totally unbelievable and I could never have imagined him doing something like this. I was out of there in a flash and they’re welcome to each other. She too is married so who knows what her husband thinks. 😂
@@doriswhyte1931 I never thought I’d have to deal with this at my age, and he’s 10 years older than me…WTH are these senior citizens thinking? It’s time to settle down! They don’t care what their adult children, or grandchildren would think. I’m sorry that happened to you…we didn’t deserve that.
@@Carol-mq6fe I know exactly what you mean, they’re old enough to know better. He asked our granddaughter to give him and the woman a lift into town, when she said no he told her not to come back to our house again. Well she happily agreed and like me she hasn’t seen him since. He seems to have turned into complete stranger, I don’t recognise him as the person I married. When he first started talking to her online he became more and more secretive, phone never out of his sight etc and when I questioned him about this he started to sit in the garden shed to talk to her, completely bizarre. I did question whether it was the start of dementia or something like that but no it wasn’t, he just turned into a selfish, nasty pig of a man. He also started drinking every night and would be talking to her in the middle of the night as she’s hours behind us in Canada. I couldn’t live like that and got out as soon a I could. Her initial 3 week stay on holiday ended up 3 months as she couldn’t fly back for 8 weeks after her surgery. Honestly you couldn’t make this stuff up. It made me quite ill actually and I was having palpitations with the stress of it all but that’s settled down now and I’m glad to be rid of him. I wouldn’t go back now if you paid me. Don’t hate your life, deal with finding a place to live and get out and don’t look back. Dee
It can go the other way, too. I was in an inescapable narcissistic "relationship for 2 years, but I was the one to start sexting and cheating after the first year of coercive control, gaslighting, degradation, raging, berating, and violence. First I used it as a way to get validation while isolated even from friends in an invalidating environment, then I used it as a way to try and find someone who might treat me a little better than the narcissist, and finally, I made sure the narcissist saw it as a way of getting them to give up on me. They did on me, but not on using me, making sure to continue the cycle but with their own veil lifted for another year until I finally had enough and called the police. After all, how are you supposed to have sex with someone who gives you a fight/ flight/ freeze response just by being in the same room as you? But because of what this narcissistic relationship brought out of me, now I'm single and alone, that's how I plan to stay, as I probably shouldn't ever be in a monogamous or serious relationship now I've crossed that line. Congrats, narc. You won at least one prize!
I think the subject of narcissists coercing other people into sexting or sexting-adjacent conversations is also a topic rich for exploration. I've had people do this to me numerous times when I was a single woman - a regular conversation that they try to steer to a sexual place, sometimes quite relentlessly, completely irrespective of our relationship (platonic friends, colleagues, or acquaintances) or their living situation (ie: partnered/married). It is such an awful feeling, because certainly as a woman (and perhaps people of other genders feel this too), it feels like YOU are the one placed in a vulnerable, precarious situation; even if you shut them down or try to keep the conversation appropriate and business-like, so often YOU will be the one blamed for even participating at all, like you're some kind of "Jezebel" or "homewrecker" because you *received* an inappropriate text. And no, it's not as simple as just not answering, or flatly rejecting them, if this person is, say, your boss, or a colleague or someone in your social circle that you need to communicate with for whatever reason. It placed me into a "guilty", grossed out, no-win situation where now if I piss them off, they can blame me or claim I was somehow party to (or even responsible for) their disgusting behaviour. Our cultural scripts about women being evil devil temptresses and men having no responsibility for their conduct (especially if they feel any feelings of attraction) make this an impossible position to be in, and adding in the power disparity that almost always existed in my experiences, it's really a no-win form of relational violence. The fact that they can just do it to you, from afar, with no warning at all, is something that I also think appeals to them. You have no chance to resist, and sometimes, if blocking their number is implausible (ie: they are your boss or coworker and they manipulate the conversation so that it seems nominally work-related or otherwise essential that you answer), you can't even really resist subsequent infractions either. It's easy to see why it appeals to these losers.
My covert would deny he was texting even with his phone in his hand and his finger on the keyboard. Then when he got caught he’d cry and say “there’s something wrong with me!” It’s pathetic and sad but it still didn’t move me after 40 years of this crap. His sexting led to him cheating. More tears. More excuses. I’m divorcing him. He’s still with the affair partner. Again he cried at the hearing after hearing how much alimony he’d be paying me, still not moved.
My Ex was doing this frequently with my friends and even with my junior friends to make them flying monkeys. And she normalises it again and again as a Modernity and saying that I'm too much strict, Possesive, Immature, Patriarchal and so on!😅
Thank you for validating what I feel! My husband has been into porn and tells me he didn't cheat. He even said he pleasured him self while watching it on and off for 3 years. He made excuses and made it feel it was my fault because I wasn't intimately physical with him. I'm hurt!!!
Porn will ruin marriages/relationships. Especially if it’s not a consensual thing, and one partner watching it in secret. It can even get to the point they would prefer to watch porn and do themselves, than to be bothered initiating or having sex with you. Porn has no place in a relationship unless it’s been agreed upon by both people.
Remember narcissists are preadolescent thinkers who are also emotional toddlers who are autoerotic not straight but possibly gay like my father who cross dressed in my sister’s underwear @ nite & abused his wife as well as 4 daughters by day
They’re so skilled at betrayal & deception. I truly believed he loved me. Looking back, it’s like I was with two completely different men. His mask fell off.
My narc was constantly checking her MF apple watch. ALL the time. Calling her out on it was = asking for a professional gaslighting demonstration. "Ok, look. Here's a work email. Oh, and a message about my 401k. And here's a reminder to get all of my steps in today. This is cheating? This is what makes you suspicious? Get over it. You are jealous and paranoid."
Sexting! I heard the covert religious narcissist watching a sexting from her experience with her other supply. Not knowing that cameras were in the guest house. Don’t even try to tell her show her that. All denial. 5 years wasted on a habitual liar
I judt recently encountered a narcissist who had the nerve of slutshame me and tell others I was hitting on him after he hit on me and had me visiting the bar he works at. He kept me walking on eggshells for two weeks as I tried to correct the narrative, only to full on catfish me via text messaging after insisting I should have both his numbers. He did it by making me feel guilty for friendzoning him and not being over my past relationship. He did it out of revenge to sabotage my professional and personal life which were the reasons I gave him when I first pushed him back, as he was leaving the country and wanted me to tag along...
I think this is a form of trauma bonding. They will disrespect and demean then make up by making you feel wanted or desired. If they're a narcissistic sex addict, they're conditioning you to be more receptive to sex. They treat you bad, you agree to sex readily to get on their good side again.
I feel like I’ve violated myself for not catching this narc behavior. The hardest part of recalibrating my brain is I naturally blame myself for everything the narcissist does because I’m the person who didn’t know how to spot them bc I was the targeted child of narcissistic abuse and never developed the skill of discretion because I’ve been in a mind control program that was specifically designed for me to ignore red flags and think I was accountable for everything bc I’m the one with the broken brain thus if someone does something that is wrong and violates me, I must be the person who’s the problem if someone is causing me problems with their problematic behavior. Im in morning. Once you start to acknowledge the abuse you endured, it’s possible to see all the red flags and now that I can see all these red flags, I’m in mourning for all the people in my life because now I can finally see how horribly they treated me, my optimism and trust was just a delusion I developed because facing the truth was too hard. These narcs are going to kill me if I don’t detach. I’m in mourning for all my relationships -all were fake, toxic and manipulative and I must have been damned by god if somehow all this abuse and my survival of it isn’t used towards something really special with great reward. That’s a lot of pressure and requires a lot of hope and it’s so difficult to keep hope when I’ve just realized my hope in people is the delusion I am accountable for. I’ve enabled people to cross all my boundaries because my parents never respected mine. I’m a whore of an empath. What a waste of compassion
Am I the only one that thinks that behavior is just vulgar? I’ve never been comfortable with vulgar language. I guess I am more highbrow than lowbrow. If that’s a thing.
Narc soon to be ex-wife had 2 plus years of sexting with coworker. I asked about it her was response but I didn't respond. Dude I just read the messages. gaslighting began It took me by surprise. I've concluded they did and still are sleeping together. The entire situation and pattern are how we meet. They don't change
Thank you so much, I really needed to here this. I fell in love with narcissist, I left him but sometime I miss him, I wish there were a way to fix narcissistic behavior.
A secondary fuel source is a nice thing to have, handy, can be used in different ways...it can be a form of micro cheating. Or it can lead to actual cheating later on. And it is 100% cheating as it is. I’m not sure whether the gaslighting response to getting caught red handed is narc specific though. Even a non narc would try to downgrade the whole thing, reassure the partner, etc. But it must be really common among narcs. I wish Dr. R. would make a video on the wider “microcheating” thing as well. Because that’s a really shady, grey area where there is of course fuel involved but it’s so easy to get gaslit as, well, you won’t have a message showing somebody’s d..k but rather ten text messages where there will be nothing undeniably wrong, messages that can easily be adressed to a friend (only they aren’t)
I'm so glad this is not something i do!! 😅(In today's world, folks?!? Do you WANT to be that vulnerable?!) But also, it's that snowflake that starts an avalanche ...of CHEATING.
When I caught my soon to be ex-husband on porn due to it being connected to another device, he said the Russians hacked his phone. He really expected me to believe that. I didn’t.
Dr ramani you are saving my life. With the infrormation i didnt know what a marsassit was what im finding out i ben married to one 15 years wondering what was wrong with him
The female narcissist I had the misfortune of dealing with about 20 years ago, this was in the early days of cell phone photo and SMS technology, ca. 2004, approached me with very overtly sexual conversations, I would say unusually overtly sexual conversations. Then one day she went full discard and launched a malicious lying harrassment campaign against my person. Many female narcissists flaunt their sexuality, especially if they are attractive the way the male narcissists flaunt their "success"/money.
This sounds like it could be bipolar disorder too. I’m not saying in your experience she had bipolar, but this could definitely be behavior of someone in a manic episode having hyper sexuality and then when their mania goes away they might have been embarrassed/ashamed etc by their behavior during their mania 🤷🏼♀️ Pretty sure people with bipolar can have personality disorders too so 🤷🏼♀️
Just wanted to throw that out there in case you or someone else run across a similar situation. I don’t know what the equivalent of males with bipolar would be unless it was my ex fiancé before he was diagnosed buying a ring he couldn’t afford, getting a car he couldn’t afford etc. He was also diagnosed with BPD, but I think they missed the narcissism when he got his evaluation 🙃🫠😅… I imagine it has to be difficult for professionals to distinguish mania and narcissism unless they’re able to over time?
@@M.j.7 Yes. Similar situations can happen with Bi-Polar Personality Disorder but I think the "hypersexual" thing was too prolonged in time to be a manic phase of Bi-Polar, also too "strategic", directed towards me personally and too manipulative. When she went into discard mode she definitely was not depressed as a Bi-Polar would be but in fact was hyper-agressive in her malicious campaign against me. This occured in an educational settling.
"hown would you feel... " is exactly what I say to my bf when he treats me badly. At that point .. I think he absorbs that I am hurt. Is he a full flown Narcissist? I'm not really sure, he does have Narcissistic tendancies. I DO believe sexting outside of a relationship is wrong. Sure he didn't touch anyone NOW... but down the road that temptation can become so strong that it's only a matter of time.
Sexing I don’t even know how to flirt. I need a few drinks first. lol I’ve seen a few girls send pictures. I’m like somebody besides her boyfriend is getting an eye full. I did have a dude take me wrong and profusely apologized. They call them dick pictures I’ve never had the pleasure to receive one. I think it’s insane! But I’m also 68 years old. Don’t f- with me.. lol.. why they do that anyway you seen one you seen em all. Yeah I’d call it cheating. Back in my day at least they hid the camera- another topic
OMG that is all he does and lives for. Doesn't matter who the woman is, how she looks, age, relationship status just as long as he gets it. He does prefer married women so they don't try to make anything of it. I found out he was sexting multiple women at the same time while he was at his oh so busy job. In the end he finally told me he kept me around in case a newbie didn't work out how he liked and he also told me his goal was to sext with as many women as possible and to get as many nude pics of women as possible. When I found out he was sexting women on Twitter and I was very upset about it he said, "Well just think if you were doing your job sexually with me and didn't bore me with what you do sexually, I wouldn't need to go after these other women". He would also say "it means nothing, it is just words, words that mean nothing to me"
Duc... We need to have a serious talk! :D According to law/ ethics/ morality, you can't explain fraud by someone's stupidity/ naivety. That's right... fraud is fraud. But we also have philosophy, which means that you can't "hold idiots accountable"! :D When a wise person sees that "something's not right here" they will make it clear: "always have the phone on the table, or GO AWAY!!!" I did it myself and I know that it's a big risk (when someone doesn't know me and surrounds themselves with idiot advisors), but it was bigger not to do it, because... you have to be an idiot to keep a viper at home and be surprised that it finally bit you... VERIFY credibility (whether someone is trustworthy) when there is evidence of ANY lie/ fraud/ manipulation. BR, 4ever yours, 🥕🐰
The question of whether or not sexting is a betrayal or not is not to be answered by the intellect. This is a visceral question, which deserves to be answered based on what you feel from your gut. I think sexting is indeed a type o hotter pornography, which, for me, is a type of perversion that goes against the laws of a loving and balanced human nature. When the practice of porn becomes a habit or addiction, it dulls the person´s senses, preventing them from having a full, healthy, loving sexual relationship with a partner in life, in sync with love. I never liked men who liked watching pornographic magazines - I always thought they were uninteresting or cold or robotic in bed... LOL I guess it is beause if you do something perverse for a long time you will probably end up getting 'good' at being psychically perverse, with your sexual functions disturbed. But it is understandible that when many people practice abnormal sex, they will feel normal among themselves...
Hello from Brazil! This topic has nothing to do with me (I’ll probably delete this comment), just felt like saying hi. This channel is all about narcissism, I am here because I think God brought me here, I don’t know. I actually saw Dr. Ramani on Mayim Bialik’s channel. Anyway, lots of videos (over 1000) to binge-watch. 😮 In case there are rude comments, just spreading some love to Dr. Ramani and whoever reads this comment. ❤ There are some people in my family, but I am so scared of bringing this up, so I have got to be cautious and also, I think God wants me to be as cautious as possible. I can relate to a lot of what Dr. Ramani says about it, but don’t want to say too much and end up feeling like an idiot. People are unique, after all. Peace out!
If 1 in 6 people are on the narcissist spectrum so to speak, should we help them and ourselves by creating a 12 step programs for them for the survivors of their abuse?
What about the victims of narcissism who engage in this behaviour because their invalidating spouse mentally divorced the abused spouse, but wants to stay married because of their supply? What about the victims who can no longer receive any kind of sexual attention from their narcissistic spouse? Are you going to call them selfish, too?
OMG! 100% my ex-husband! "I don't know why I did it. I guess it was just for fun, it was just a game, those women wouldn't leave me alone. I only wrote to them what they wanted to hear. You wanna throw 10 years of marriage away? There are men who do much worse"! Well he had thrown our marriage in the toilet, I only flushed.
"I only flushed." Keeping it real!
@@RockingArt “You want to throw 10 years of marriage away?” Like you did it! They shift the blame.
Mine says the same type of thing. I reminded him that although I left physically, he left in every other possible way long before I did. As if it isn’t devastating enough, they try to blame us.
@@Carol-mq6fe Yes, and he makes himself believe that I left for totally different reasons, because he is totally delusional and in denial about himself, and it is not only being a narcissist but several other mental disorders and addictive behavior. And he blames too much wine for literally everything, that "messed him up"! So, he actually stopped drinking any alcohol before I left and now he thinks he is cured. When I confronted him with proof after I left, he said first "I never did that!, Then "I don't remember" and finally "I was messed-up"! That's it! And, of course, he is "sorry for everything", but doesn't say what exactly he is sorry for.
" I only flushed " , beautifully said ! ❤️
You were just secondary mommy supply 🥲
A lot of people don't understand what cheating is. I always say you have to get into a person's head before you get in the bed. If your spouse or significant other is courting an inappropriate relationship with someone behind your back you're being cheated on. The sex is the final act.
Amazingly said
💯
Amen!
If you’re hiding anything, you already initiated something
currently in this rn with a girl. she has a boyfriend
Narcissists make the beautiful things in life that most people live for, like LOVE and SEX, feel MEANINGLESS and GROSS!
Genesis
43 Now the famine was severe in the land.+ 2
Narcissist do NOT make love; it is ALWAYS just SEX!
Every Narky is bad at sex. They can pull it off the first few times...but after that, they can't get off unless it's coercive, deceptive, cheating, or hurtful.
@@lindac6919 How flaws can one have ?Genesis
9 God went on to bless Noah and his sons and to say to them: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.+ 2
@GodGunsGutsandNRA
And not always good sex. I used to hear people say "the sex was so good". I disagree. There may have been sex but there was no connection
The worst part is that they'll feel completely justified in doing it too so when they're caught they reverse it on you and they become the victim because they're so "neglected". They love the attention and having a secret.
Yes, "what matters is what it does to us." Even when it starts with a winking or heart shaped emoji, later the narcissist gets bolder. They may embarrass you in front of people by flirting, touching, hugging someone in front of you! They may never sleep with this person, but there is always the knowledge that you are no longer respected and were never loved.
Yeah so many narcissistic people have sex addictions but they never deal with the root of their addiction and they traumatize so many people on account of it x
If they treat the relationship with you like a business transaction - constantly on the look for someone better and open to other "suggestions" - then they are not worth your time/energy, regardless of whether they've been caught cheating.
"The scorpion is always going to sting. You CANNOT make them a pet!" Such an amazing quote!
You can, just expect them to sting 😅
The scorpion is always going to sting is well said. I had a real pet brown scorpion it ate crickets. I saved it from being killed by a deeply damaged narcissistic human.
The sexting is super damaging. I love this channel ❤ Thanks
I got sucked into this with a guy and have struggled with feeling so much shame. I don’t think he was in a relationship, but neither were we and I feel like he coerced me, manipulating me into engaging when I didn’t really want to. 😢 Working on forgiving myself and healing. Will never do that again. I kept better boundaries with the next inappropriate guy who came along thankfully. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I'm just so grateful the Narcissist wanted to tell me he was in LOVE with a younger woman and "SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ME" to try to hurt me. He had really admitted to an affair, so I felt able to divorce him immediately. After 15 years of his lying and sneaky behavior, his porn and fetish addictions, I got away. The betrayal trauma has been soul crushing.
3 years after divorce, it's like a bad dream, and I'm feeling almost better. I realize I made the mistake in choosing this Narcissist.
This will NEVER happen to me again.
Thanks Dr. Ramini. I have watched you daily and read your books. 🎉❤🎉
Exact same boat. It was TOUGH but 3+ years into it, my feeling for the new supply is: "best of luck to you, girlie". 😂
Same boat here with me, especially his lying and his fetish addiction. If I'd known about it, I would've never married him at all. I'm still trying to heal from the betrayal.
I went through this for more years than I care to admit. Everything you just said described these years that I went through with the narcissist. Every day I woke up, wondering who I had to be better than today to get his attention. I wish I would’ve kicked him out sooner.
Same. 12 years and 3 kids (of my own), for me. But finally free.
I'm glad to see the word "sooner," implying that you finally did. I'm hope now you know a healthy relationship isn't a competition. That's not what it's supposed to be. Not at all.
@@ENTREPRE-MOMMY Awesome victory. We deserve better than betrayal all the time - all the way.
Genesis
42 When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt,+ he said to his sons: “Why do you just keep looking at one another?” 2
Same
Infinite Infidelity, is the core concept of Narcissism.
Narcissists have no problem cheating on you, they see nothing wrong with it. But if it happens to them, the big vein in their head would POP! Talk about double standards. Just like everything else in their life, it's ok for them but not you.
Narcissists: "We were just spooning, I swear. It's not like we were forking".
💯
Mine claimed he was in love with 4 women. But if I even spoke a male name around him, he was all anger and clenched fists.
Don’t forget how they may use those pictures against you later on and hold them over your head if they need something from you. Just don’t do it with anyone. Not safe. And narcissists have no limit for how low they will go.
You can do it with people you trust, just never take pictures that show your face. If they end up turning on you, they may show the pictures to other people and say it's you, but there's no real proof. Even if it shows tattoos, you can say a lot of people have similar tattoos. You can even paint over your tattoos and show people they're "different", then the narcissist will sound like the nasty and crazy one if he accuses you of doing so after "exposing" you.
The list of games and gaslighting of narcissists is infinite. They always wins, if someone doesn't want problem with those people, better not to even know them. When I discovered boundaries is the best stuff I practiced in my life. Thanks for sharing 🙏 peace and blessings to everyone
"they always win" so true!!! Before I knew anything about narcissism, I tried playing along for a while but he was on a whole nother level. There was no way I could match his manipulation. His goal wasn't just to win but to deliver a humiliating defeat.
They always do this. Once you fall in love with them they need an escape. That comes from secretly texting others...and when they give YOU the silent treatment, they're texting someone else without a care. They aren't capable of monogamy.
Another red flag for me in my marriage was, he didn’t know how to satisfy me. I know what felt wonderful, he used covert crazy making shape shifting to blame me. I felt insane saying what I liked and wanted. He was caught by our son and because our son I believed over my husband, his very dark and lengthy porn world was discovered.
He is my ex today. Leaving sooner and focusing on new life without him is my hope for others. I stayed and after treatment, it got worse. A narcissist and an addict. The combo isn’t going to be healthy.
It’s not just the words or images, it’s the intent and the betrayal.
I'm glad to be done with relationships (overnight or otherwise.) I got SO sick of this and FROM this! Especially on social media!
"I'm sorry you saw those messages".. that was the apology
I got sucked into a situation for many years, I no longer carry shame. My heart continues to ache for my inner child but, my inner adult is excited and thrilled for a future away from my narc system. If you’re struggling on going no contact with a narc unit DO IT. I’m not full no contact yet but, I have significantly reduced my contact and have been gray rocking whenever they reach out. And my life has began to improve in the best ways. Stay strong friends WE’VE GOT THIS ❤
Yup
@@caroleminke6116sending you love and healing. We are better than these nasty people. ❤
I agree with this 1billion percent… thank you for acknowledging us who have been, still are betrayed …
I hear you 👍🏼🙏🏼❤️
Genesis
44 Later he commanded the man who was over his house: “Fill the bags of the men with as much food as they can carry, and place the money of each one in the mouth of his bag.+ 2
There's no two ways about it. That very first time they take another person's number and lie about having it you never forget or get over. It haunts you when you're still with a Narc. 🍒
You are an invaluable source of insight, truth and healing. "how would you feel..,." Is the question that no narcissist can answer because of their low empathy and insight, which also means they really can't offer a meaningful apology.
Oh I can answer that question. Whenever I present my narc with the “how would you feel?” Question….her response is “I don’t care, I’m not you so I’m not insecure”
Mine never responded like I didn't ask the question. I would repeat the question. Never a response. I finally gave up. That wS before I heard the term narcissism and NPD. Now I understand why he never responded
That's why I divorced mine. He was sex texting another woman and I caught him.
I'd rather have a cup of tea
Sex isn't the problem with cheating. The problem with cheating is that your consent was violated. You did not have accurate information of the state of your relationship because the other person is with-holding that information for you, so you are not ABLE to fully consent to everything that then happens in the relationship.
That's why sexting is also a problem in these situations--it's a violation of consent.
Betrayal is betrayal and it wreaks havoc in your psyche as you have described. Hell is wrong with those broken people. It’s definitely not you, it’s them. Narcisists are insane individuals who are destroying other people and their lives.
I left my marriage 6 months ago after another rageful outburst of abuse. He was in the next room on multiple dating sites. Used them all through the marriage. My children (adults now) at various ages discovered porn and dating sites. One recently told me he was 12 when he saw them. How terrible that my child felt he had to keep that secret, he felt ashamed. I reassured him, the same as when his sister found the same years before. It's not your fault, you were protecting me and scared of him. I think vlog for the children who discover their parents' disgusting behaviour would be good. Dr R. It's really affected my children.
I hope you and your children find healing ❤
My narc and I met online. It got really intense, really fast.
He sexted me really quickly and I just thought it was him being super confident (he is very handsome, so he also has that going for him).
He was "super excited", "couldn't sleep" and was all amped up to meet me.
We had sex on our second time meeting.
He talked trash about his ex. ..
Ff 5 months later, I find out he actually broke up with her during the summer, so there was an overlap between me meeting him, and him breaking up. He had called her his "crazy" ex. ..I believed it then.
That is typical, The crazy wife, the crazy ex. They are abusive Liars, Cheats, Thieves.
So familiar
I was so happy to hear Dr. Ramani say “bullshit”.
They may also encourage their close married friends that online dating or texting and making inappropriate connections is appropriate and there is nothing wrong with this type of cheating.
Thank you Dr.Ramani, for explaining this sexting dynamic. When all the signs of betrayal are there and it may be utterly covert and denied, and maybe not even happening, it is still very therapeutic to hear this information. Betrayal is real, whether it is dangled as a gaslighting technique or if it is a behaviour grounded in reality. It is validating and rationalizing to hear it is not the partner’s fault, nor the partner’s unhealthy issue. This connection, grounded in reality, helps loosen the bonds of trauma, supports individuation and radical acceptance of the scorpion-like intention that has no bearing on the partner. Freedom and peace are found here. Thank you, once again, Dr.Ramani, for your generous public service. I deeply appreciate it.🙏❤️
If a person can drive almost 1000 miles to be with you for less than 30 minutes on multiple occasions and without any notice only there trying to sleep with you is not OK and being called names after saying no is not OK. I am not bad for not wanting to be around a person that already has a partner and I am not bad for setting boundaries
But is their partner okay with you being around their partner?
@@M.j.7 they are also a secret
Thank you for this session Dr. Ramani
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
This is exactly my husband,,,,am 100 💯 sure something is wrong ...the very very exact thing am going through right now. Iam tired I just want to leave😢
@@Happiness-x9m That's a bot. Never trust posts or comments with adds at the end.
When the narcissists in our lives push the limit, we do wonder what's wrong with us, or what we did. But REALLY, it isn't us. But, although we know, it still hurts.
Genesis
45 At this Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants.+ So he cried out: “Have everyone leave me!” No one else stayed with him while Joseph made himself known to his brothers.+
2
It would be time to say good-bye for me. I have been betrayed many times over my lifetime.I got to a point when I will draw that line in a heartbeat.
Thank you so much! You´re putting into words how I have felt discovering the betrayal. Thank you!
Brilliant. Another great lesson about how Narcissism can infiltrate every area of life. How does it make you feel? It's ultimately a betrayal.
I wish I would’ve learned all this 15yrs ago. God bless you for doing this work
The last minute is so poignant. Thank you and bless you, Dr. Ramani!
It seems like every topic she has been posting is something that has recently occurred in my relationship. My partner may not talk to other women but he would lie to me about who he added on Facebook and say I’m “just jealous.” He would watch inappropriate videos of women on TH-cam then when he “stopped” doing that or reduced it he began checking inappropriate stories of females on the Snapchat discover page. I also caught him sexualizing someone he arrested for a DUI with one of his coworkers saying he’s going to check on her after work. Despite 30 min later texting me how much he cares about me. Then when I confronted him about that text he blame shifts “why are you going through my phone? I’m changing my password! You need to stop going through my phone!” Instead of saying I’m really sorry I said that I did not mean to make you feel like I want another woman. I truly am sorry and I will not be inappropriate with my coworkers. I care about you and how you feel.
Nope! It’s always my fault aka going through his phone and finding those half naked women or text to his coworker was my problem!
My Ex from Texas wanted to do this Sex thing with me after 15 years not hearing from eachother, he is Married and has 5 Kid's, I didn't play, he got really upset🤢🤮🤮🤮
I'm in Germany
I am from the old school, where we did not have phones in our pockets growing up in the high school. There was no Sexting. There was nothing like that. I did not understand when this first came out why people would do disgusting things like that. I have sexted and I never will and if someone sends me anything remotely disgusting like that, including pictures I would immediately block them. There is no reason there is no value in it. It is vile disgusting, and vulgar. What happens between people should never ever ever ever be put on a phone ever.
@@lauriepolden6594 back before sexting, before cell phones, there was phone sex. Remember those late night commercials, advertising women, barely dressed, waiting for his phone call?
I guess that was even more risky, as the phone bills would come in unusually high, but the narcissists never cared about the risk of getting caught. In fact, I think that made it more exciting…the fooling you, getting away with it. Technology is a narcissists best friend.
Nice Work Dr. Ramani. Well said! I agree 💯%.
❤ I don’t care what anyone says it’s cheating and if someone got the chance to not get caught with said sexting partner and get away with it they most likely would.
Spot on again! You are the best and all your content helps me in more ways than you will ever know. Thanks for all you do.
I’m saving this for future. Not that it’s sexting but it reminds me of what narcissistic behavior does to me. One event this summer sent me flying and I didn’t do a thing to deserve it. And no one seems to blink an eye. It’s not normal and not kind. Thank you 🙏
How can anyone lack the ability to think about the way the behaviors they engage in would affect them as they WILL affect another? I don't understand the lack of empathy.
Your normal they ain’t !!
When you haven't been taught, as a child, to empathize with people, you don't know how. You can learn, but always too late sometimes. I am one.😔
@@sandradonovan5991 but can you not still imagine the way someone else would feel hurt by your actions? Or that if you would feel hurt or betrayed that they would too?
@@erinward2983no, they actually cannot. That ability died with their true self in childhood when they created the false self as a defensive coping mechanism. Their true self never develops which is essential for empathy. Tack this on to the fact that narcissists do not see people as autonomous beings. Everybody is an object (not a real person) whose sole function is to give the narcissist narcissistic supply… period. Objects don’t have feelings.
@erinward2983 Malignant narcissists have intellectual empathy. They understand it on an intellectual level, but not on an emotional level.
I had to cut off contact from a childhood friend when I reached out in a DM to find out his wife has stage 4 cancer.
He started sexting me which totally discussed me and cut contact. Always knew he was a narcissist but this proved it. 🤮
What a repulsive man. I pity his poor wife😢
@@BriannaPresto agree…she knew what she was getting into 45 years ago
Thank you
Sexting is disrespectful and hurtful and is not acceptable
I left him the moment I found out about it (and then once away identified all the other things he had been doing and who he really was)
I felt so ashamed and felt like I couldn't provide for him. He was my first everything, highschool sweethearts, together for 10 years, engaged, was there when my mother passed from cancer. How could someone do things with someone they said they'd love forever and talk about a future together and go to bed with them and at the same time plan on who they are gonna be with next. I hope any person who comes across his path gets out safe
All of this, and the fact that my husband spent hundreds of dollars most months on this habit, for several years, while we were supposed to be saving for a home, is devastating. I would rather die than have to be navigating through this horrible mess he’s made of our 39 year marriage.
I don’t think I will ever recover. I ran for my sanity. I hate my life.
Hang in there, dear. Time does help with the soul crushing betrayal trauma. Be good to yourself. 🎉
@@angelicamaster7764 thank you 🙏🏼
I ran after 45 years. He was doing this with a woman on the other side of the world in Canada. She came to Scotland earlier this year on a holiday (it was to meet up with my husband) and I was supposed to think this was ok. It was not ok at all. I left him in July and have had no contact with him since. He is 68 and she is 73 and she ended up in hospital for an emergency heart valve surgery while she was here, he was running back and forward to the hospital twice a day as though she was the only one in the world that mattered. It was totally unbelievable and I could never have imagined him doing something like this. I was out of there in a flash and they’re welcome to each other. She too is married so who knows what her husband thinks. 😂
@@doriswhyte1931 I never thought I’d have to deal with this at my age, and he’s 10 years older than me…WTH are these senior citizens thinking? It’s time to settle down! They don’t care what their adult children, or grandchildren would think. I’m sorry that happened to you…we didn’t deserve that.
@@Carol-mq6fe I know exactly what you mean, they’re old enough to know better. He asked our granddaughter to give him and the woman a lift into town, when she said no he told her not to come back to our house again. Well she happily agreed and like me she hasn’t seen him since. He seems to have turned into complete stranger, I don’t recognise him as the person I married. When he first started talking to her online he became more and more secretive, phone never out of his sight etc and when I questioned him about this he started to sit in the garden shed to talk to her, completely bizarre. I did question whether it was the start of dementia or something like that but no it wasn’t, he just turned into a selfish, nasty pig of a man. He also started drinking every night and would be talking to her in the middle of the night as she’s hours behind us in Canada. I couldn’t live like that and got out as soon a I could. Her initial 3 week stay on holiday ended up 3 months as she couldn’t fly back for 8 weeks after her surgery. Honestly you couldn’t make this stuff up. It made me quite ill actually and I was having palpitations with the stress of it all but that’s settled down now and I’m glad to be rid of him. I wouldn’t go back now if you paid me. Don’t hate your life, deal with finding a place to live and get out and don’t look back. Dee
That's very true,it happened to me
I wouldn't even put a x on a message to someone in a relationship
My malignant narcissist ex was not content with crumbs like sexting, he simply met up with (sometimes strangers) through the internet.
It can go the other way, too. I was in an inescapable narcissistic "relationship for 2 years, but I was the one to start sexting and cheating after the first year of coercive control, gaslighting, degradation, raging, berating, and violence. First I used it as a way to get validation while isolated even from friends in an invalidating environment, then I used it as a way to try and find someone who might treat me a little better than the narcissist, and finally, I made sure the narcissist saw it as a way of getting them to give up on me. They did on me, but not on using me, making sure to continue the cycle but with their own veil lifted for another year until I finally had enough and called the police.
After all, how are you supposed to have sex with someone who gives you a fight/ flight/ freeze response just by being in the same room as you?
But because of what this narcissistic relationship brought out of me, now I'm single and alone, that's how I plan to stay, as I probably shouldn't ever be in a monogamous or serious relationship now I've crossed that line. Congrats, narc. You won at least one prize!
I think the subject of narcissists coercing other people into sexting or sexting-adjacent conversations is also a topic rich for exploration. I've had people do this to me numerous times when I was a single woman - a regular conversation that they try to steer to a sexual place, sometimes quite relentlessly, completely irrespective of our relationship (platonic friends, colleagues, or acquaintances) or their living situation (ie: partnered/married). It is such an awful feeling, because certainly as a woman (and perhaps people of other genders feel this too), it feels like YOU are the one placed in a vulnerable, precarious situation; even if you shut them down or try to keep the conversation appropriate and business-like, so often YOU will be the one blamed for even participating at all, like you're some kind of "Jezebel" or "homewrecker" because you *received* an inappropriate text.
And no, it's not as simple as just not answering, or flatly rejecting them, if this person is, say, your boss, or a colleague or someone in your social circle that you need to communicate with for whatever reason. It placed me into a "guilty", grossed out, no-win situation where now if I piss them off, they can blame me or claim I was somehow party to (or even responsible for) their disgusting behaviour. Our cultural scripts about women being evil devil temptresses and men having no responsibility for their conduct (especially if they feel any feelings of attraction) make this an impossible position to be in, and adding in the power disparity that almost always existed in my experiences, it's really a no-win form of relational violence.
The fact that they can just do it to you, from afar, with no warning at all, is something that I also think appeals to them. You have no chance to resist, and sometimes, if blocking their number is implausible (ie: they are your boss or coworker and they manipulate the conversation so that it seems nominally work-related or otherwise essential that you answer), you can't even really resist subsequent infractions either. It's easy to see why it appeals to these losers.
My covert would deny he was texting even with his phone in his hand and his finger on the keyboard. Then when he got caught he’d cry and say “there’s something wrong with me!” It’s pathetic and sad but it still didn’t move me after 40 years of this crap. His sexting led to him cheating. More tears. More excuses. I’m divorcing him. He’s still with the affair partner. Again he cried at the hearing after hearing how much alimony he’d be paying me, still not moved.
My Ex was doing this frequently with my friends and even with my junior friends to make them flying monkeys.
And she normalises it again and again as a Modernity and saying that I'm too much strict, Possesive, Immature, Patriarchal and so on!😅
Thank you for validating what I feel! My husband has been into porn and tells me he didn't cheat. He even said he pleasured him self while watching it on and off for 3 years. He made excuses and made it feel it was my fault because I wasn't intimately physical with him. I'm hurt!!!
Porn will ruin marriages/relationships. Especially if it’s not a consensual thing, and one partner watching it in secret. It can even get to the point they would prefer to watch porn and do themselves, than to be bothered initiating or having sex with you. Porn has no place in a relationship unless it’s been agreed upon by both people.
Thank you.
Remember narcissists are preadolescent thinkers who are also emotional toddlers who are autoerotic not straight but possibly gay like my father who cross dressed in my sister’s underwear @ nite & abused his wife as well as 4 daughters by day
Comment like 'if you think or say that's what it is, then that's it!'
Then I start blaming myself for overreacting 😢😢😢😢
They’re so skilled at betrayal & deception. I truly believed he loved me. Looking back, it’s like I was with two completely different men. His mask fell off.
It's about what is in your heart... the desire. ... Sexting is no different... infidelity is infidelity
My narc was constantly checking her MF apple watch. ALL the time. Calling her out on it was = asking for a professional gaslighting demonstration. "Ok, look. Here's a work email. Oh, and a message about my 401k. And here's a reminder to get all of my steps in today. This is cheating? This is what makes you suspicious? Get over it. You are jealous and paranoid."
Sexting! I heard the covert religious narcissist watching a sexting from her experience with her other supply. Not knowing that cameras were in the guest house. Don’t even try to tell her show her that. All denial. 5 years wasted on a habitual liar
This video is traumatizing. Why? Because me, like so many others, have been victimized in all these ways.
I judt recently encountered a narcissist who had the nerve of slutshame me and tell others I was hitting on him after he hit on me and had me visiting the bar he works at. He kept me walking on eggshells for two weeks as I tried to correct the narrative, only to full on catfish me via text messaging after insisting I should have both his numbers. He did it by making me feel guilty for friendzoning him and not being over my past relationship. He did it out of revenge to sabotage my professional and personal life which were the reasons I gave him when I first pushed him back, as he was leaving the country and wanted me to tag along...
Why does it seem Narcissist type of people or behavior wanna have sex after being disrespectful to You??
Power and control
Because their disrespect! Sadistic sick-
I think this is a form of trauma bonding. They will disrespect and demean then make up by making you feel wanted or desired.
If they're a narcissistic sex addict, they're conditioning you to be more receptive to sex. They treat you bad, you agree to sex readily to get on their good side again.
And yes, it is about power and control looking back, sometimes I feel like I was being r#ped the whole time.
This is cheating..
Actually, they are the worst ones concerning sex. Not worth it.
I feel like I’ve violated myself for not catching this narc behavior. The hardest part of recalibrating my brain is I naturally blame myself for everything the narcissist does because I’m the person who didn’t know how to spot them bc I was the targeted child of narcissistic abuse and never developed the skill of discretion because I’ve been in a mind control program that was specifically designed for me to ignore red flags and think I was accountable for everything bc I’m the one with the broken brain thus if someone does something that is wrong and violates me, I must be the person who’s the problem if someone is causing me problems with their problematic behavior. Im in morning. Once you start to acknowledge the abuse you endured, it’s possible to see all the red flags and now that I can see all these red flags, I’m in mourning for all the people in my life because now I can finally see how horribly they treated me, my optimism and trust was just a delusion I developed because facing the truth was too hard. These narcs are going to kill me if I don’t detach. I’m in mourning for all my relationships -all were fake, toxic and manipulative and I must have been damned by god if somehow all this abuse and my survival of it isn’t used towards something really special with great reward. That’s a lot of pressure and requires a lot of hope and it’s so difficult to keep hope when I’ve just realized my hope in people is the delusion I am accountable for. I’ve enabled people to cross all my boundaries because my parents never respected mine. I’m a whore of an empath. What a waste of compassion
Good talk
Am I the only one that thinks that behavior is just vulgar? I’ve never been comfortable with vulgar language. I guess I am more highbrow than lowbrow. If that’s a thing.
Narc soon to be ex-wife had 2 plus years of sexting with coworker. I asked about it her was response but I didn't respond. Dude I just read the messages. gaslighting began
It took me by surprise. I've concluded they did and still are sleeping together.
The entire situation and pattern are how we meet. They don't change
3:35 HAH!! Dr. Ramani... I didn't think you were capable of such talk.
Thank you so much, I really needed to here this. I fell in love with narcissist, I left him but sometime I miss him, I wish there were a way to fix narcissistic behavior.
Needed this today
Thanks!
A secondary fuel source is a nice thing to have, handy, can be used in different ways...it can be a form of micro cheating. Or it can lead to actual cheating later on. And it is 100% cheating as it is. I’m not sure whether the gaslighting response to getting caught red handed is narc specific though. Even a non narc would try to downgrade the whole thing, reassure the partner, etc. But it must be really common among narcs. I wish Dr. R. would make a video on the wider “microcheating” thing as well. Because that’s a really shady, grey area where there is of course fuel involved but it’s so easy to get gaslit as, well, you won’t have a message showing somebody’s d..k but rather ten text messages where there will be nothing undeniably wrong, messages that can easily be adressed to a friend (only they aren’t)
I'm so glad this is not something i do!! 😅(In today's world, folks?!? Do you WANT to be that vulnerable?!) But also, it's that snowflake that starts an avalanche ...of CHEATING.
When I caught my soon to be ex-husband on porn due to it being connected to another device, he said the Russians hacked his phone. He really expected me to believe that. I didn’t.
Dr ramani you are saving my life. With the infrormation i didnt know what a marsassit was what im finding out i ben married to one 15 years wondering what was wrong with him
The female narcissist I had the misfortune of dealing with about 20 years ago, this was in the early days of cell phone photo and SMS technology, ca. 2004, approached me with very overtly sexual conversations, I would say unusually overtly sexual conversations. Then one day she went full discard and launched a malicious lying harrassment campaign against my person. Many female narcissists flaunt their sexuality, especially if they are attractive the way the male narcissists flaunt their "success"/money.
Not only narcissistic women. All women have to flaunt their sexuality if they want to get attention from a man🙄
This sounds like it could be bipolar disorder too. I’m not saying in your experience she had bipolar, but this could definitely be behavior of someone in a manic episode having hyper sexuality and then when their mania goes away they might have been embarrassed/ashamed etc by their behavior during their mania 🤷🏼♀️ Pretty sure people with bipolar can have personality disorders too so 🤷🏼♀️
Just wanted to throw that out there in case you or someone else run across a similar situation. I don’t know what the equivalent of males with bipolar would be unless it was my ex fiancé before he was diagnosed buying a ring he couldn’t afford, getting a car he couldn’t afford etc. He was also diagnosed with BPD, but I think they missed the narcissism when he got his evaluation 🙃🫠😅… I imagine it has to be difficult for professionals to distinguish mania and narcissism unless they’re able to over time?
@@M.j.7 Yes. Similar situations can happen with Bi-Polar Personality Disorder but I think the "hypersexual" thing was too prolonged in time to be a manic phase of Bi-Polar, also too "strategic", directed towards me personally and too manipulative. When she went into discard mode she definitely was not depressed as a Bi-Polar would be but in fact was hyper-agressive in her malicious campaign against me. This occured in an educational settling.
"hown would you feel... " is exactly what I say to my bf when he treats me badly. At that point .. I think he absorbs that I am hurt. Is he a full flown Narcissist? I'm not really sure, he does have Narcissistic tendancies. I DO believe sexting outside of a relationship is wrong. Sure he didn't touch anyone NOW... but down the road that temptation can become so strong that it's only a matter of time.
I think some of them just do it on the net. It’s some kind of game for them. It’s safer than actually having a real relationship.
Sexing I don’t even know how to flirt. I need a few drinks first. lol I’ve seen a few girls send pictures. I’m like somebody besides her boyfriend is getting an eye full. I did have a dude take me wrong and profusely apologized. They call them dick pictures I’ve never had the pleasure to receive one. I think it’s insane! But I’m also 68 years old. Don’t f- with me.. lol.. why they do that anyway you seen one you seen em all. Yeah I’d call it cheating. Back in my day at least they hid the camera- another topic
Both narcissists I knew were Scorpio's lol. I don't really take too much stock in Star Signs, but it's weird that they were both born in November.
OMG that is all he does and lives for. Doesn't matter who the woman is, how she looks, age, relationship status just as long as he gets it. He does prefer married women so they don't try to make anything of it. I found out he was sexting multiple women at the same time while he was at his oh so busy job. In the end he finally told me he kept me around in case a newbie didn't work out how he liked and he also told me his goal was to sext with as many women as possible and to get as many nude pics of women as possible. When I found out he was sexting women on Twitter and I was very upset about it he said, "Well just think if you were doing your job sexually with me and didn't bore me with what you do sexually, I wouldn't need to go after these other women". He would also say "it means nothing, it is just words, words that mean nothing to me"
🏃♀️ run girl..
Love 💣
Duc...
We need to have a serious talk! :D
According to law/ ethics/ morality, you can't explain fraud by someone's stupidity/ naivety. That's right... fraud is fraud.
But we also have philosophy, which means that you can't "hold idiots accountable"! :D
When a wise person sees that "something's not right here" they will make it clear: "always have the phone on the table, or GO AWAY!!!"
I did it myself and I know that it's a big risk (when someone doesn't know me and surrounds themselves with idiot advisors), but it was bigger not to do it, because... you have to be an idiot to keep a viper at home and be surprised that it finally bit you...
VERIFY credibility (whether someone is trustworthy) when there is evidence of ANY lie/ fraud/ manipulation.
BR,
4ever yours,
🥕🐰
Pro-Tip: Sexting is always a red flag
The question of whether or not sexting is a betrayal or not is not to be answered by the intellect. This is a visceral question, which deserves to be answered based on what you feel from your gut.
I think sexting is indeed a type o hotter pornography, which, for me, is a type of perversion that goes against the laws of a loving and balanced human nature.
When the practice of porn becomes a habit or addiction, it dulls the person´s senses, preventing them from having a full, healthy, loving sexual relationship with a partner in life, in sync with love.
I never liked men who liked watching pornographic magazines - I always thought they were uninteresting or cold or robotic in bed... LOL
I guess it is beause if you do something perverse for a long time you will probably end up getting 'good' at being psychically perverse, with your sexual functions disturbed.
But it is understandible that when many people practice abnormal sex, they will feel normal among themselves...
Are most cheaters narcissist?
Hello from Brazil!
This topic has nothing to do with me (I’ll probably delete this comment), just felt like saying hi. This channel is all about narcissism, I am here because I think God brought me here, I don’t know. I actually saw Dr. Ramani on Mayim Bialik’s channel. Anyway, lots of videos (over 1000) to binge-watch. 😮
In case there are rude comments, just spreading some love to Dr. Ramani and whoever reads this comment. ❤
There are some people in my family, but I am so scared of bringing this up, so I have got to be cautious and also, I think God wants me to be as cautious as possible. I can relate to a lot of what Dr. Ramani says about it, but don’t want to say too much and end up feeling like an idiot. People are unique, after all.
Peace out!
It's a need for them
If 1 in 6 people are on the narcissist spectrum so to speak, should we help them and ourselves by creating a 12 step programs for them for the survivors of their abuse?
There are several.already. just Google or Search TH-cam
What about the victims of narcissism who engage in this behaviour because their invalidating spouse mentally divorced the abused spouse, but wants to stay married because of their supply? What about the victims who can no longer receive any kind of sexual attention from their narcissistic spouse? Are you going to call them selfish, too?