6 alternatives to calling out the narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
The old proverb is true, " Don't mud wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty but the pig likes it."
Ooooh - that is spot on!
Excellent
That is so rude
What if u like mud wrestling with your pet pig Wilber? And your buddy Charlotte be the referee 🥺
@@Ryu_Kage. isn’t it awesome though?
The only winning move is not to play
And it causes them narc injury at best but will always cause them huge frustration so a win win
Yes! I learned that at a young age. Don’t give them any fuel for the fire
Which is difficult
God is giving me strength.
Exactly - and ... get away from the relationship.
I did call out my narcissist mum 2 weeks ago for the first time in 58 years. I told her off for every damned abusive thing she has ever done to me. I shouted at her and swore at her. I said it all. It felt great and I don’t regret it.
At the end she said our relationship was over forever and I thanked her from the bottom of my heart for setting me free!
Of course she has now set her flying monkey (my sister) on me but I don’t care.
This is what I needed to do. I spoke my truth. I took back my power. I took back my human rights. I am proud I stood up to her for the first time in my life.
Just don't wish she we was dead, like my one sister screamed at our Mom on the phone.
There is venting, but when we get older, it shifts.
Hope you can maintain your own stability in it all.
@@coolwater55 I mean at 58 years, I don't think you can claim "when you get older"
❤💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼❤
If that’s what you got to do.
I hate auto correct
This woman is waging a bloody war on narcissists. I love her. My General, i pledge an undying loyalty to you
Lol funny but so true! 😂
She could be a narcissist aswell.
Totally true
@@sobaaasobaaa8564
Naaah!
I do get wht you're getting at..
But, naaaah! U FEEEEL THESE B'ATCHES.
Narcissists hate this one trick
*1.) DON'T call out a narcissist as you'll always lose*
2.) Understand what it is inside you that causes you to be a narcissist magnet
3.) Only deal with narcissists as acquaintances
4.) Deal with those who understand the chaos dealing with a narc, and support you
5.) Accepting that you'll always be in a stagnant relationship with a narc
6.) Fill your time with hobbies/recreational fun
*I think I got the list paraphrased 😁*
Thank you!
❤
Thanks❤️!
I've been with 3 narcissist in my life. Didnt realize what nacassiss was. Until now . They were so controlling, jealous of me . Threatening to kill me if i look at another man. One of the narc , bird , skunk passed away 5 years ago. This man im married to now and saperated from. Threatening to beat my ask and held a knife in his hand . But he was mostly in the silent treatment and give me evil looks.
Every time my phone will ring. He wanted to know whose calling you or texing me if i need to go to the store. He will say im going with you etc. How can you tell if hes stalking you without you knowing it? His sister in-law is already hoovering on my face book page
Watching these videos is my alternative to calling out the narcissist. These videos validate my experiences, reassure me, and give guidance. No where else have I found the understanding and empathy for what I’m going through. When I seek elsewhere, it’s just a big gaslighting experience. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani! ♥️
🌈🙋😘
Yes! Thanks dr Ramani!
Me too @maryhatleymeyer! every time I feel overwhelmed or heartbroken or just plain broken, I turn Dr. Ramani on, and I'm instantly calmer, feel validated, and remember what is really important here. Thank you @doctorramani, you are bringing so much peace and hope to so many of us.
Same here !!
That's a nice comment. Helped me realise why I like these videos .
Narcissists feed on negative energy more then positive energy.
A seventh thing I would add to this list, ESCAPE. Leave the narcissist's lair, end the relationship if you can, and never look back.
Amen🙏
@Sarah D I went through similar. It's worth every cent. You can do it. I'll pray for you ⚘️
@Sarah D Good, I'm glad you're taking steps to make that happen. I'll pray that you make it.
definitely run asap and block them out of your life as they do stalking a lot
Escaping seems to be the most logical conclusion after learning about narcissists. I'm not sure why Dr. Ramani didn't mention that on this list; maybe it was a quick action list, and it could be implied that escaping is the ideal goal in the future.
Calling them out will only make them angry and make them smear your name. Instead know your truth and get yourself to a safe place.
7:03 Good To Remember
Depression Anxiety Stress
Near narc = danger
Away from narc and close to nature = safe place!
There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.
Sad but true. Calling them out is like throwing dynamite into a cesspool.
I don't care I would tell you what u doing to me
Being around a narcissist is like trying to pet a rattlesnake...no matter how you approach, they're going to strike.
Interesting analogy!
This is exactly how I describe my wife. We have a baby and I want to stay married because of him. I am not sure I can endure her. I wish I could just ignore her negative traits and fake liking her.
@@sunofpeter2 dr Ramani’s book, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, may be useful to you as far as coping with staying in a marriage to a narcissist.
@@abowling5759 thank you i will be look for that book and be reading it soon.
@@sunofpeter2 marvelous! I think you’re so brave and loving to do this for your son.... I hope everything works out well..🦋
"...it's not a deep relationship. But it never was!" Another enlightening statement, imho
When my grandmother died, my mother cried. Not because she'd miss her, but because she would never be able to confront her and tell her how much she hated her. On the way to the funeral, my parents discussed with me the schedule where they would have "calling hours". I'd never heard the term before, so I asked what it was. Mom said, "It's a brief period of time, usually around two hours, where people gather and just share good memories or fond feelings about the person." Dad's quick-witted reply, which had us all laughing, was, "I wonder if they'll be able to stretch that out to two hours."
My mother's mother was a narcissist. She grew up in fear of her. Thankfully, my mother is a very strong woman with a wonderful heart, and instead of growing up to be like her mother, she grew up to be the opposite - a kind, compassionate person who is able to find genuine friendships where ever she goes. I could not be more grateful for her strength of character.
Hi! Did your mother warn you as a kid about grandmother's narc behaviour or did you learn yourself?
My mom is like your mom. Deprived of love in her youth by a narcissist but still the most loving person you could meet. It's incredible to me. ❤
Thankfully I’m still kind and giving agree a narc mother and “best friend”. Thank God!
Now I understand why some people go to the store for cigarettes and never come back .
I know of at least 1
😂😂😂😂😂 so true! I'm thinking about it and I don't even smoke.
This comment made my day!😂😂😂
@@dawn6044 👍
Now I know why she never let me go to the store by myself, it was always take one of the kids.. also she would want to buy my cigs for me.
You can't change someone by loving them harder.
100%
@@MJ-qb5ph Question is: Who will be your next?
@@MJ-qb5ph If you've spent 50 years in the thrall of your "narc" family, that must mean you were - at least in part - a volunteer. And if "narcs" repulse you, you must - at least in part - repulse yourself.
So so true and I am realising that now... No matter what I do for my young adult son , he is never happy.
I thought with more love he will change but i was wrong.
We have to live under the same roof but its so difficult
@@doladutta7699 Find him a girlfriend. 😉
It’s so hard to NOT call them out…but you’re so right!!!!!!!!
Yes it is. I am praying that today was my last day doing this.
It gets easier with practice.
Yeah I’ve made multiple promises with myself not to but it keeps happening
Exactly it’s so hard 😢❤
Yes. It is
The friends that say "actually, you can't say narcissist, you're not a doctor" don't know that vast majority of narcissists will never be able to recognise they are a narcissist and will thus never go to a doctor and actually end up with a diagnosis. People who are affected by narcissists have to turn to unofficial diagnosis because there won't ever be an official one.
Yes. Friend and family, all people who never 'experienced' narcissistic abuse won't believe you because it's not their reality. Too bizarre. Two doctors (narcs) told me: you can't make a diagnosis. Wel, I can reflect, analise and make a conclusion. Personal experience etc.
My dad's actually diagnosed (forced by a court during divorce, because being forced is the only way they wind up getting diagnosed) and people *still* try to 'well akshually, it's really rare. Are you sure that's what it is?' me about his diagnosis. He brags about that diagnosis! Yes, I'm sure and why are people so intent on trying to be pedantic about this with someone who's expressing the abuse they're going through?
@@prettyevil6662000 People obviously aren't well when they try to diminish you/your experience.
I hear people throwing the word narcissist around pretty freely. At this point, it just means that they don`t like the person or the person displeased them in some way. The term is really overused at this point.
@@prettyevil6662000 Simply reply that it is not an opinion, it is a diagnosis from a medical professional.
No contact is the best way to call out the narcissist. That and then becoming the successful person they always told you was impossible for you to do.
You were 'already' there if only because you were so different from them!
Yasss the best revenge is living well!! 😜🤍
How do you get there, how do you go no contact? You’re not supposed to call them out because it’s clearly not worth it, so do you just... say “we’re done, I can’t talk to you anymore” and block them?
@@lizney.channel
Short answer...Yes.
@@lizney.channel
The narcissist is done when you’re done. 😉
"Their rage can make you literally [actually] sick: mentally and physically."
Please everyone heed this....
Illnesses like fibromyalgia and myofascial pain are unbearable: I wouldn't even wish them on my abusers. Lack of sleep or stress can cause/exacerbate existing health issues such as heart, POTS, immune disorders, gut problems, PTSD.
The health repercussions are very real.
Unfortunately, this is so very true. My ex bf had verbally, emotionally, financially and physically abused me for years until I was finally able to safely make my escape. Up until the point I was able to make that escape, my health suffered dramatically. I had all of these symptoms that came on out of nowhere. I’m a healthy and active woman who went from hiking and camping to hiding in my room with crippling depression and pain. Ptsd is something that I’m learning to get through with the help and support of this channel and all of Dr. Raminis research and of course, good friends and family who listen and try to understand what it is to have narcissistic person in your life. Thank you for sharing. Best of luck with your journey.
Yes, they are!
Yes I got sick from dealing with my aging sick mother...I got pains in my body and had no strength and forced myself to go on caring as well as hoping for change! Such a hopeless pointless journey! The healthier thing is just say stop and walk away. It's better to be alone than in bad company! I had the stupid illusion that my mother would care for me one day and appreciate what i had done for years or did for her but she never did do that... She couldn't see or feel my love for her...she never even once cared by my needs...the only thing i got was use, abuse and her aggressive behavior with scaulding me. She had a razor-sharp tongue too and she could really put that thing to use and shred you into little unimportant pieces!
Yes I feel how sick my body is, it’s always tired, it’s because of their abuse. There’s literally physical symptoms. Like right now every morning I get nauseous anxiety and it’s hard to eat or focus with that gut wrenching feeling.
You are so right, Dr. Ramani, the world and laws enable them. It doesn't matter if you have evidence, they manage to Escape facing consequences for criminal actions. This is not okay. Laws need to change. You shouldn't have to be killed to get the justice system to hold them accountable. Law enforcement needs to be educated on this and place charges on abusive, violent people that dont result in anything more than restraining orders or peace bonds. This gives them the green light to abuse their next target and the one after that and so on.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Right there with you sister. Only we had sex once every three years. 18 months-sex- 18 months. To even mention sex brought us to the most horrendous of fights. And being told I have a spirit of lust- because I desire sex with the only man I should be desiring. All the other areas, he is a good man. Good provider, thoughtful, generous, protective. But ultimately when there is no physical intimacy there really is no other intimacy because I couldn’t trust him with the deepest pain in my life.
I hope you both are :) now and with understanding partners who are reading from the same page. Stay 💪🏼
🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️ as fast as you can, calling them out makes matters worse. There’s absolutely no reasoning with them. NONE‼️
None!! Only to them trying to make you feel like you’re crazy.
I just came to this same conclusion yesterday. You CANNOT reason with them. It's NOT going to help matters. It's just not. As of today, I'm done explaining. No. MORE.
Exactly don’t want contact lol
If you are watching to fix them, you are watching for the wrong reasons. Radical acceptance.
🙌🏻
Yes, there is no fixing these creatures.
I just realised this. Holy shoot. That's big.
It has taken me literally years to realize and understand this.
I'm watching to fix myself and manage my own situation. I guess I realised that after years of asking for improvement, it was never going to happen.
I was just unhappy and any complaint fueled the accusations of being ungrateful, always complaining and nothing they could do is or was good enough. Even being supportive and demonstrating how something should be done was/is seen as criticism and therefore psychological abuse.
When dealing with someone who can't admit a mistake and takes no responsibility for their behaviour your always going to be blamed for the failings in their life.
Firewalling - not letting sensitive information in or out! PERFECT description.
Gail Capshaw,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
What worked for me was telling the toxic person, "This is the boundary I've set for myself, on my own behavior - it's to not talk about Person X". Not laying the boundary on the TP makes things so much easier, b/c the TP is fixed on his/her gratification.
My mother exactly
…This.
It's difficult being a man. A deeply empathetic man.. went through 7 years of narcissistic abuse.. been separated for 9 months. Custody battle.. selling a house you own with this demon... I had a breakthrough two days ago... I fully understand and accept I have major psychological issues. Caused by abuse.. admitting as a man that you have psychological trauma from a relationship with a little 4'11" woman child Was hard. And I feel such a massive relief finally getting an explanation. That it wasn't me. I'm not the narcissist. I'm not the bad person, like I knew all along deep down. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Hours of watching and listening to your videos has saved my life. I was lost.. and now I think I see myself again. And It makes me fuckin cry. Thanks again
*virtual hug*
God bless you.
I went through this as well! Glad you found freedom! I am healthy now as well but still have a child with mine which she is currently alienating from me.. so the trauma continues 😢
God Bless you.
it's like you described my life.
A 7th alternative , for me, has been: writing an email or letter to the narcissist, calling them out, then not sending it. I have , like 4 of these letters which I've emailed to myself over the years. It helps me get it out, but no need to give the narcissist the satisfaction. Of having upset you.
I do the same thing, but in my case I add saying everything out loud in the house when's she's gone.
I do the exact same thing. I have a few videos and notes that I’ll never send, but it feels good to get it out.
Yes! I do this all the time on Twitter when something someone says upsets me. I type of a response to get it out of my head & to release the emotion, but then I don't send it. Not giving them the satisfaction they up set me.
I’ve done the same thing through the years, even wrote a rap song about it 😂. It was very good medicine to take my pain and put it on paper & even make it a comic relief in guise of a song.
Brilliant idea, Danielle. Writing the letter but not sending it
"When you grayrock it's not a deep relationship, but the fact is it never was."
That hit deep on so many levels.. Dr Ramani, you are a lifesaver!
It hurts....because I loved him deeply....but he could never love me.
It sure did
Same here, that and the bit about sharing your pain and difficulties when you share with them you feel worse! All because you don't get any empathy. Both of those hit home for me
So true yes 👍
I've been grey rocking for 15 years without knowing this has a name. Even when grey rocking, the barrage of micro aggression never stops but the aiming gets progressively more fuzzy. The trick is to never give a clue what hits and what doesn't.
Gold comment
thank you
35 years. You are 100% right! Even "good days" have an underlying purpose. I learned it late, but better late than never.
I’ve just started Grey Ricking, but what kind of relationship do you have with your husband? This also teaches my son bad behavior. Still learning!
Let’s see, How long have I known my mother-in-law? That’s how long I’ve been grey rocking. 😕
OMG! I got in an argument with a narcissist last month and was literally sick for a month, stomach issues. I have finally got to baseline healthy after a month!
@@Madina_CR let me guess, when SHE was ignored she was angry?🤣
My mother tries to lecture me about me "being not polite" to her when she herself doesn't even bother to say "hi" and "bye" to her own sisters when she calls them (rarely) or sees them in person (even more rare occasions). She just delivers the needed info through her teeth, as short as possible, and cuts the call. Seems like only I must "be polite".
I feel you!
It took me 1 year to get better after bring raged at by a Narc frenemy. I told her I was planning to go back to University to do an MA Journalism. Earth shattering rage was her response. She couldn't stand that i was having a career goal.
I do believe that narc abuse can directly lower health, mental hyperfocus,confusion, anxiety, stomach, heart, muscles, immune system, nerves, sleep all suffer when a person is focused on the narc, rather than themselves.. some even change , feeling less of themselves overtime, feeling weak and anxious becomes the norm, whilst the narc literally watches you become ill and hurt from their actions, they are looking elsewhere and then blame you once you discover their secret, it's your fault, your the one who's failed. Your the one who's going to look bad in this, they block you temporary, making you absolutely clueless and confused, so you stay in , hurting, not knowing what to think and who to trust..they use this time to find new supply and distract them, only messaging you to see how you are, did they get away with it?? Can i get away with it? Make you somehow agree its your fault?! Change the narrative to suit them.. if you are still angry or upset they will up and leave and probably never think twice.if you forgive them, you are literally feeding their ego and ensuring they can again and again..narcs are bullies, your fall is their rise, they will destroy someone simply because they can, if you tell them their behaviour is wrong they will simply turn it on you, point it at you and walk away without a thought.. yes I would definitely say it affects health 😂
So did I. My mother.I was so sick I had diarrhea for a month. I could barely force myself to eat or shower, I missed a months work! I will never stand in her presence and take her abuse again& she is 81. I have a few descent years left and I be d@mn€d if I let her poison another second of my life.
My narcissistic mother begged me to move from NH to Florida to help her because she was in such pain. We sold our home and built one in Ocala as close to her as we could. When I asked her to wear a mask during Covid she asked why and I said to protect me since I’m over 65 and have health issues…she said no. When the time came for her to go to assisted living, where did my brother (who she put on his own narcissistic pedestal) decide to go? An hour away! I was devastated because the fatigue of my fibro makes it so difficult to drive the two hours. I felt terrible I couldn’t drive there…sigh, no more. I finally understand, I am not responsible nor will I feel guilty. She is alone in her facility and basically stays in her bed declining with dementia and with little stimulation as my brother, who lives in Maine, conducts her affairs and dutifully visits twice a year. Choices. It’s all about choices. There is nothing we can do or say to change the narcissists minds and walking away, as painful as it is, is our only salvation.
1.Don’t call them out
2. Put your energy into something else
3. Grey rocking/ Fire walling
4. Have some other sounding boards /vent in a space where you are safe and validated
5. Radical acceptance
6.Distractions
Thanks Anna (break time review)!
Number 5. Very hard😞
Thank you thank you 🙏
and it works well once you get used to this strategy. mindfulness exercises help your awareness and to not get your mind to involved in the game the narcissist plays. you don't want to get thrown around like a mice by a cat? just accept, that this person will never ever change, no matter how you bent and try. i just wish i would have known that as a 20 year old kid with a history of abuse. he found all of my buttons! all what doc ramani is pointing out. but in the 80ties there was no internet and there were no books for average people about this. i would have run as fast as i could but it cost me years to recover and get in to a loving relationship with trust and respect.
Thanks, Anna! This list is why I pulled up the comments.
Friend: "Don't say narcissist, that's not nice... You're not a doctor.."
Doctor Ramani: *snap* Put them in the firewall!
Yes!!! 👏🏾👏🏾 Love you Doctor!
Another thing theyll do "oh theyre going through a rough time right now, just be patient" as if it gives them the right to treat me how they want and i should just be quiet about it
@@usernameluis305 exactly! It makes no sense. So because they are going through a rough time, I'm supposed to give them full permission to make my life a living hell? It's so crazy how people will go out of their way to excuse a toxic person's behavior
@@usernameluis305 "sometimes people say things without thinking. I'm sure they meant no harm YOU should forgive them". (when they didn't even apologize)
Made me laff
AKA throw them in a dumpster and set it on fire haha
"They are already enabled...calling them out will enable them more!!!"
Priceless!!!
Oh, yes. I loved that, too.
GREAT TIP- do not call out a narcissist. It is a futile endeavor.
They want you to call them out...they love an opportunity to vent and gaslight...it's a win for them cos they withold what u yearn for...accountability and fairness and understanding
@@susieneville5612 I have noticed this yes. Recently I dealt with this. This person was crossing many lines- being very insulting and rude to me. I ignored as you said. I did not feed into it however he kept pushing and pushing and really pushing. When I finally got visibly upset (which is quite rare for me)- literally hours later, he had a smile on his face and gloated that "he finally got to me." Like it was a fun game for him. Some people achieve balance when they get a rise out of others. It satisfies some twisted itch they have. Literally, a minute later, he was trying to compliment me and shake my hand. He is a very sick individual. He thinks he won, but he really lost. He lost the potential for a great, mutually respectful relationship. I want nothing to do with this person ever again. Will I be civil- sure. Did I make a big deal of it the next day- no. Did I forget, heck no. He has since tried calling me. Not to apologize, but to act like nothing happen. It's repulsive. Cool heads usually prevail. Fortunately, I am not in a dependent relationship with this person. I wanted his friendship, but I do not need it. I no longer want anything to do with him actually- and I know my own value. I have a lot to offer. If abuse happens once, shame on them. If it happens twice, shame on me. People like this will never change unless they want to which is rare. He has a clear history of this behavior with others. I was hoping to be a friend to him- but he blew it.
The narcissist NEVER thinks there’s something wrong with them, it’s impossible to convince them no matter how much evidence there is.
You’re wasting your time talking to them.
They’re impossible to live with.
I got divorced and am happy and thank God every morning that he’s not here in my house with me.
Do you have kids together? How did the divorce go? I'm ready to start my divorce and just curious.
@@lashedbycaaron4346 It’s best if it’s the narc who wants to go, if he’s leaving you for another woman. Otherwise narcissistic rage gets triggered and they make SO much trouble during the divorce, burn up so much money. Some are even so awful to one of the kids (Scapegoat) that the kid commits suicide and narc says it was the mom’s fault. … These people are vile, crazed. Back away slowly and carefully.
Exactly. Your main goal should be getting away and self preservation. There is no life with one of these degenerates. I divorced mine. Then he turned his attention on my daughter. As soon as she was old enough she also dropped him like a hot potato. Hex getting the consequences he deserves
Sounds like my dad 🤔
@@ArcticSilverFox1 that's exactly my father
Being with a narcissist and then realizing you have to cut them off is like a death, but in some ways worse. Because in order to die, that person first has to live. But no, these people never even existed, and it's truly heartbreaking. You grieve over someone who was never there to begin with.
This video is the most valuable one after you realize you have a narcissist, keep watching it if you need to. Your comment was brilliant that a narcissist first has to live before it can die. I don't think people are thinking along move abstract terms
Yes, you grieve for the wonderful person you thought they once were, which was never the case. It can feel heart-breaking realizing who they really are, and knowing that you have to cut them off. But when you are finally able to do that, trust me, it is worth it! You will regain a sense of independence and freedom that you haven't had for a long time, you will feel whole again, and one day, you will just simply stop caring about the narcissist. I wish you all the best and if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, i hope that you will find the strength, courage and acceptance to finally cut off and be free!
It’s like you were interacting with an empty void this entire time. So scary
@@user-pf8gk8oj8i 🙏🏼👏🏼💞
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 best description ever
I've never heard the term "Grey rocking" up until now, but I realize that I was hardcore practicing it a few months before I left a relationship with a narcissistic/mentally abusive friend. It's a good way to slowly withdraw from the relationship without an initial confrontation.
Unfortunately, mine did end in a confrontation when they realized I was slipping away from them, and started to try to make me look like the bad guy to many of my friends...but now I'm finally free and much, much happier without them! :)
If you can, leave the relationship. The sooner you get out the sooner you will start to feel better. It can be hard to believe that when you are in a relationship with this kind of person but you can have healthier relationships because it’s not you, it’s the narcissist. I’m so glad I left the relationship, my only regret is that I didn’t get out sooner.
Who ever cares less has the power. 👍
Thats good as I'm rapidly reaching a point of not giving a s*%*
@@crystal-eb5rf Just love yourself more. 😉
Wish i had a heart made of Gray Rock
And when they're trying to sabotage your career by deleting your work etc? I never understand when people say just don't care. If they are ruining your career it's hard not to care
@cata lsla I know how hard that is ,as you seem to always be trying to out think them for your own protection . Change all passwords and codes that gain access to your computer and dont make them something that can be guessed by him .never leave it unlocked in his presence .only thing. is He'll then change tactics ,and you'll be trying to out think him again.
They are mentally exhausting to deal with and you can't trust a thing you say.
Again, children of narcissists are forgotten.
Imagine the suffering it is to have a narc as a parent, rely on them for survival when they threat it everytime, desperately need the love of the caregiver and not having it.
Children have no support system, no anti-narc methods to use, they can't run away.
We are doomed from birth, to mental and physical illnesses and nobody addresses this.
Felt that ahaaha
It's quite the burden to bare and then don't we go and marry one, geez! One things for sure, whereas someone else would have been more sympathetic to what you went through you spouse ranks it up to your willingness to not get along, how I hate hearing the word dysfunctional family 👪, makes me feel like I'm part of the reason it doesn't work, as if they're the victims of me! 😵
@@joseenoel8093 The parents create the dysfunctional family, children don't have a saying on this.
They start a dysfunctional relationship and have kids to create a dysfunctional family, kids are just an add up, not the core of the issue.
Narcs have kids just to be constantly in a position of power and control over someone. And this is never mentioned.
Why narcs get married? Might have an answer but not why narcs have children.
Seeing my bf begin acting like my drunk mother was what finally made me want out. It felt so f-ing abusive. Total flashbacks. Drunken crying fits, blame everywhere but where it belongs.
Same I feel your pain and suffering at 27 im still feeling the turmoil of the abuse i suffered from my mom. Im still dependant on her... But i totally feel that threatning. My mom always have me what i wamted but used what i needed as a means of control and manipulation. Shes been calling the cops on me since 12 yrs old everytime our arguments get to heated.
Whoa… I’ve been married for almost 33yrs to a narcissist, and did NOT realize that I had learned to “gray rock” my husband until I just listened to this video. I’ve learned to squelch any joy or positive accomplishments bc of never feeling anything at all but dismissed. Yes, he IS on the autism scale. And he’s incredibly intelligent (an engineer, perfect career for him). But he’s also a narcissist with zero empathy. I’ve learned over all these years just to never go to him for any kind of support for things that are so sad and upsetting to me, or to share anything that’s great that may have happened. And I never knew there was a term for that! So yes, this is truly a superficial relationship, no depth or real connection other than just idle chatter. No wonder my depression medication doesn’t seem to be working these days!🤦♀️
And you are still with this person? Sounds like hell to me :(
Please keep watching helpful videos with us. Post about any stress here in a safe anonymous space. And take good care of yourself. Sending you best wishes.
Are you sure about the autism? I used that as a description for my husband, but it turned out he was just good at blocking out what he wished to.
I would love to reply, not in text
Did your heart ever rule your brains, what’s left of both
I've spend a lifetime trying to figure out my wife. You've explained it and what I've been doing about it in less than 10 minutes. Thank you. ❤️
Scott, sending my love to you. Same here.
Let's enjoy our beautiful lives without our bitch
She's like the perfect motherly woman to run to for advice. She's amazing and such a blessing to help those of us in or who were in dire need. Thank you Dr.Ramani
THIS!!! Well said ❤️❤️
So true, I felt like hugging her while watching this. ❤
I’m so happy I was lead to this channel a few days ago. I’ve been binging on videos and I love her already! 🤍
@@ErinP79 same! And at the same time!
I thought exactly this! Don't you want to just hug her neck every time you watch her videos? I'm THAT thankful for her advice. She's made so made so much sense out of difficult relationships I've had. Its been a healing journey. She IS a blessing!
I used to be so damn naive to think that every single living person has the chances, willingness and ability to change for the better, despite their predicaments and upbringing. And sometimes I still wish that this is true - what a beautiful world it is if hope exists for literally everyone. I used to think that it’s unfair that some people are deemed hopeless, regardless of their positions in life. But by now I should realise that reality is more often than not, different than how we want it to be. So yeah. Thank you Dr. Ramani, for this realisation is truly fundamental to the way I perceive people and the world. I now know that it’s best that I radically accept and acknowledge that some people are really just, hopeless…
Nothing wrong with that, with age comes wisdom,
I pity persons out to use others, what a thing to aim for!
If they truly want to fix themselves. We don't have the time to devalue ourselves one more minute in the process. The damage can't be un done.
For themselves in the future or some one else...
Great! Good luck!
But the last time after time has to REALLY be the last time.
FOR ME.
EVERY CASE IS DIFFERENT
Same here. I used to think no matter how cruel someone could be there would some good left in them but sad reality is that some people will not change until their last dying breath!
To me, "once a fool always a fool."
But I guess you too could break away from this predicament. You're no longer a fool. I'm happy for you.
@@Chibis417 that’s a great insight. Thank you for sharing. Moving from life in a cult into a relationship with a Narc, damn I can only imagine. I hope you’re working those issues out well, I really do. And you’re right too. I guess that’s the cut off point, one can only change if he himself wants to change. All external influence are otherwise futile.
The bit about "ragey word-salad mess" sounds all too familiar. So many times I've been left thinking, "I don't know what you just said, but I can tell you're very angry." And if I ask questions to try to understand, that usually makes things worse because they can't explain what makes no sense. The moment it really clicked was when we did a couples therapy session and the therapist ran into exactly the same problems I did. Seeing it from the outside made everything clear.
@@walterallen4069 My partner kept telling me I was the problem because I lacked the emotional maturity to interact at an adult level, and I should get therapy to fix myself. Translated, that means they'd often yell mean things at me and, instead of yelling back, I'd cry and ask them to stop.
But I did go to therapy. After a few sessions, the therapist was like "You seem fine. Maybe I could understand the problem better if we did a couples session?" So I told my partner the therapist wanted to see us together, to better understand how to help. And they reluctantly agreed to go with me.
I didn't say a word the whole session. The therapist just asked my partner simple, straightforward, obvious questions... and by the end, my partner was so angry they were visibly shaking. Then they yelled the whole way home, and stayed in the car to continue after we parked. After an hour I was like "I'm going inside to get some work done. Please come in with me.", and then they stayed in the car another two hours, yelling and hitting the dash.
Seeing this, it was plainly clear to me that, whatever the problem was, it wasn't inside me. I didn't even have to _be there_ for the problem to happen. This lifted a great weight from my mind.
Best therapy session I've ever had.
Love the words 'ragey word salad mess'...!!!
The most I've been able to accomplish in calling out a narcissist is to see them come to a place of cognitive empathy over what I'm experiencing due to their abuse, but I've never seen emotional empathy. I experience emotional empathy and learning that they are beyond this experience, and knowing the difference, has helped me a lot.
Nice list. Very useful. Every time I tried calling out my family narc, the ONLY result was a massive spike in my blood pressure! The fact that they can make you physically and mentally sick is a HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!
I'm 67 years old and I simply can't continue to play the spike-my-blood pressure game. No contact works best for me.
Wow! Thanks for your comment because that's exactly what I've been going through and I'm 67, too. One gaslighter told me it was cause I was older. Since I've been applying the principles outlined in these videos I've seen a huge lowering in my bp and have been able to stop taking the bp medication. I always knew my high BP was not due to my age.
And worst of all, do you think they would be at your side if you got sick, ended up in the hospital and possibly on your death bed? FORGET ABOUT IT!!
That is the main reason I left my husband. I thought back then, 21 years ago, if he can't take care of me now in the prime of my life, i can imagine what he will do with me when I am old. He would probably put me in a nursing home!!
Same here. Except my blood sugar was 598 one night after a days of distress with my toxic adult step-daughter. I'm going on 65. I gave her over 30 years of my adult life. It never ends. No Contact was the only solution! Horrible people....
Animals!
So true is what I was thinking of doing, disaper like a lightning.
Don't call them out unless you have an exit plan of some sort..... A sensible friend and a place of safety !!!!
Absolutely. But be prepared for it to be permanent, because if you go back there may be a honeymoon, but the rage will come back, probably worse than ever.
I've never had that. Trapped.
True dat
Absolutely!
Take your time and plan it well.
Not to "get back" at the Narcissist, but to free yourself from a miserable experience!
💞
Sharon B
Exactly!
There was a Honeymoon each time, but there was always a "Fresh Hell" on the horizon!
I wish I had seen this before calling them out. Exactly. There's no use. They will never ever accept their mistakes. And make us more mad and confuse our brains more. They actually want you to react and play along so that they can pose as victims.
i've already called out like 3 narcisist already. i don't regret this. when you're fascinated and liking someone in a way you just want to be honest. they didn't react with agression. probably it just made the relationships shorter as they realized they don't have to play good guys already. i have my tight borders and when they're crossed, i end a relationship immidately. but for me it's important to stay honest, otherwise i would be feeling like surpressing the part of me that respects them as humans. maybe one of them is actually trying to do something about their disorder, i have no idea, since i'm not talking to them anymore.
Also don’t accidentally leave your laptop on with Dr.Ramani playing, for them to see it first thing in the morning 😂
😆 good one
Haha that happened
@@skymeadow7762 yeah i have a new laptop dell and I’m used to macs ... with macs if you close the top it switch’s off but with dells I found out they don’t 😂
Oh I played one vid during breakfast a while back, I think it have him indigestion, doesn't look like his breakfast went down too well!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Best Alternative: Turn away, and never look back. You're never going to fix it, so don't hurt yourself trying. Don't let them consume your life.
They're like the little pak-man monsters eating every one in their way!
Just disengaged from my narc sibling who has turned greedy since the death of our mother. We are in different countries and I refuse to speak with him. He smeared me before my mother's death and will continue to do so because he's not getting his way. I refuse to be bullied and manipulated.
God bless you 🙏✳️🌞✳️ Extremely wise words Thank you very much ❇️🌞✳️🙏
@@joseenoel8093 yes completely true They,ll mke you feel ur in their way Even when you're not😰❇️🌞✳️🙏
I’m suffering with anxiety due to suffering decades of this narcissist, everything is true that you said I have experienced. It affected mentally and makes me feel worst. Thank you 🙏
Be strong. Believe in the goid in you. We don't have to accept or own other people's toxic. God bless you. 🙏❤️🌌
I thought i was mentally unstable,,,,my narcissist son repeatedly told me i was insane for saying something/anything factual. Thanks for these videos.I almost cried seeing someone saying exactly what I've lived thru. Wow.
They love making people feel insane 🤣
You know things are bad in our culture when the best response to abusive people is to just ignore them.
Or go where they can't reach you. You have to uproot your life to be free.
They should be. Eradicated.
Yes. I have thought that as soon as I came to understand this illness and against everything I stand for went no contact with my family to save my life
And sadly it's nearly impossible to prove they are abusive and a danger in a court of law because what's threatening to you can often be perceived as perfectly normal and even polite.
@@nicoleswarbrick5754 Which is why our legal system is a joke and should be abolished.
The narc is obtuse!!! There is no point to ever calling them out!!! Run away as far as you can to save yourself,,,,
There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.
Absolutely Peter
WizardofGOP, that’s where withdrawing consent comes in, in personal relationships and in more general ones. People is where the power is, with us, not from them. The Discourse on Voluntary Servitude by Étienne de la Boétie suggests a way. We can wonder what personal relationships are like with and between these public figures, thank goodness withdrawing our consent, both the public’s and personally, can be a powerful option.
'Not calling them out is not enabling them as they are already enabled'. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I had to call out my adult son. I don’t play games. 2022 has been a year of cleansing, thanks to you Dr. Sister Ramani. These videos were lynch pins is obtaining understanding, closure, and freedom from narcissistic tyranny. Thank you. Happy 2023. ❤️🙌🏾❤️
It's heartbreaking when it's your own child. And you get zero support from anyone on top of that, because the assumption is that it's somehow your fault.
The wirst
This. 7.34: "The narcissist is going to remain a 1-person wrecking crew." A perfect summation of a narc's life and how they destroy everyone around them.
Exhibit A: Meghan Markle
I choose to keep quiet because the more i was trying to fight back the more i got Hurt and became seriously sick, Since i stopped iam now feeling much better. Grey rock and No contact really good for me..the first time in life that iam happy not pretending to be happy.
Congratulations!! Best of luck to you for a beautiful and peaceful future.
Same here. Keep strong
There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.
👍🤗👏👏👏Great! Be strong!
@lisbet salander Thats True, Dr Ramani has done alot to us.Iam glad that iam/We are going the right direction.
You are my hero. I’m in tears as I watched this: Today I was triggered by my Narc. She was enraged at me calling her out. She has never and will never be able to self reflect. It’s like watching a monster in film…. Just watched Stranger Things recently and my narc is Vencna. Self righteous. Always doing what narc believes is the right thing. She is a major source of pain and suffering in my home. I failed today. I tried to stand my ground and she just triggers and triggers and triggers. I grew up in a home that was filled with trauma. I am physically I’ll today. Weeping… nauseous… wanting to run anyway forever… but I won’t leave my kids…. I won’t. This video just saved my life. I was actually gray-rocking my narc for a long time and it was great. Only when it’s the working year as narc is administrator in education. So the summers are rough. Really rough…. When narc is out of the house I’m terrified because I don’t know what kind of mood narc will come home in. Or what I did wrong and be scolded and corrected for. You cannot make this stuff up… you can not. Narc always attacks and never says “oh wow, did I talk that way to you? Sorry… I’m so tired…” which would be a reflective moment… it’s always my fault. Narc beats me down to where I need to escape… and yes I tv show, or going for a walk or even exercise… but it doesn’t help. Narc triggers so much lately that I fear I may say that thing that will bring more rage… “you’re a coward…” even tried counseling… and it sort of helped having a witness to narc trying to redirect and blame be for everything… I’m no work of art for sure… but counselor even saw and would stop narc and make narc be self reflective. Narc couldn’t rage or blame and you know what narc would do… either laugh or cry. It was the best defection. And when is call narc out for deflecting the narc would snap at me and the counselor would see the facade crumble. I’m telling you you’re absolutely right. Society enables this. My Narc thinks b cause she knows how to pay bills and hold down a job that she’s more stable then most. Oh no… no one knows who she really is… the word monster comes to mind. But the difference is… monsters aren’t real. Narcs are…. I’m going to go back to gray-rocking. And I will do other things if I can… today was so bad… so very bad…. Thank you for this so so so much…
I understand how you feel. I really do.
I have felt the same way. So sick from the narc behavior: heart raising, exhausted, nauseous. I feel your pain. Trying to keep it together in the hopes that one day the narc will change and things might get better. It has been 22 years of this. I am separated now living with two of my children missing my oldest daughter. But the narc wants to get closer to us again...
Yep...that was my wounded mums behaviour..I was often confused humiliated and eggshelling around her, and enraged and heartbroken by the Injustice and her meaness....
Dr Ramini really knows her stuff. The one thing I have learnt in life, I can never change anyone else but myself. That is where the power is.
The first thing that you need to realize is that a narcissist doesn't care about your opinion, they are right period. So calling them out will not change them, will not make them reevaluate their behaviour and will not make them suddenly respect you or your opinion, it will only anger them more and be more inclined to seek revenge upon you or those close to you. Just as a narcissist looks out for number one, you must do the same but in a healthy way to protect your wellbeing. When it comes to these people, I believe that "less is best."
This. Perfect.
You nailed it. One of my narc's favorite things to say whenever I express my opinion is: "Oh, yes, you're always right." It took me the longest time to realize that I was not allowed to have an opinion if it differed from his.
It took me 60 years to realize and accept that my youngest sister was never the friend I wanted to believe she was. The confrontation that led to my eyes being opened was truly painful, and I grieved for over a year. We haven’t had any contact now for 5 years. It’s strange, isn’t it, how you can keenly miss a friendship that wasn’t real? Videos like this have been a lifesaver for me.
I think as kids we don’t understand the semantics of a relationship; what’s healthy and what’s not. I’ve had to deal with my 92yo narcissist mother. It’s hard to service her and take care of all her business yet never have enjoyed a good relationship. They’re loss.
We miss what we wanted to be real. Enjoy real life now.
I'm exactly as you are. Now I'm safe.
It took me 26 yrs and I'm feeling relieved. She was and always will be this way. I'm now gray walling her.
@@phoenixrising33 It really hurts being confronted with reality and the truth. For what I can tell both of my parents are narcissists. Since they divorced my relationship to both of my siblings went down the toilet. I never ever heard from my sister again. It's been over 14 years now without any contact to her, because every attempt is constantly blocked by our mother.
And my brother followed our father in his footsteps, even though he hated him for his physically and mentally abuse. I will never forget his response, when I talked to him about his opportunistic and narcissistic tendencies, that he becomes a jerk like our father. He just stared at me for a while, then began to smile and answered: "That's the way I am today, and if you can't handle it, that's your problem, not mine."
It's really hard to accept, that there's nothing I could possibly do to help them.
Too late. I already called out my 38 year old son; I did it for myself. He lives in another state so I hardly got to see him anyways. I haven’t talked to him since - it’s been a month but obviously it hasn’t damaged anything because there wasn’t anything to damage. It has made me feel better to have identified what has been wrong all along - since he was a teenager. Sadly it breaks my heart whichever way I look at it, there’s no happy ending.
I called my son out and he hasn't spoken to me since. We didn't have a relationship anyways really. I hardly ever saw him. He married a borderline. It's his nightmare now.
My daughter is the same and uses the grandkids . I did everthing for her but all she cares about is controlling everyone around her
Ignore them. They can't handle being ignored.
Absolutely right👍🏻
just to add my 2 cents, the fact that i cannot enlighten them to the harm they've done to me is one of the hardest parts of moving forward. thank you for these thoughtful videos Dr. Ramani
I am frustrated with this too, it's like you want to let them plug into your brain and "feel" and "empathize" so they can "get it" . What I learned is , we turn to the abuser for help because we see the good in all people and because the abuser had moments of good we "hope" they will just one day "get it" and we would've educated them on how to "be a good person". RADICALLY ACCEPTING THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN 😔☠️😔But man it still hurts .
That was the hardest insight for me, too: just to REALIZE that I was constantly usually when doing boring manual work like doing the dishes for example wrapped up in my inner dialogue (monologue?), in a way rehearsing what I would say or could write next to try convince him of ... how ourtrageous his behaviour is to normal standards / how unacceptable / how super-wellbehaved I was that did not slap him directly into his face / a inner list kept going on and on for what he owed me an apology. Etc pp
And then being again surprised about the next level of entitlement. Like: häää? You joking, or what
I try and think of it as stopping supply. Thats my revenge, they hate that the most.
I understand. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Really frustrating but in the end as pointless as trying to get the neighbours' well-fed pet cat to feel guilty for stalking into your garden ransacking that nest of baby birds you've been feeding and enjoying for weeks or savaging a harmless mouse on your lawn just for the sheer fun of it. It's their nature and they don't see any reason to change. They'll never feel remorse or guilt. Any "punishment" will not be understood rationally as a consequence of their own spiteful aggressive behaviour, but as YOUR stubborn inability to understand the fundamental nature of a cat.
TLDR: don't try to play chess with a pigeon.
I was the black sheep of my family, my whole childhood I was blamed for things I was never validated for my emotions. And when I talked about my emotions or acting out my family said I was “dramatic” “drama Queen” it wasn’t until I met my husband and told him about my childhood and he met my family they he showed me I was being gaslighted my whole life and that my father is super unhealthy. My dad always gives me the silent treatment the longest he has went is 2 years and it’s been over a year since my dad gave me the silent treatment again. And Dr.Ramani videos have helped me get a better understanding of my father and my childhood and now I can start to heal
You must be from my flock, little black sheep! I felt like I was reading my own story in your comment! So I guess it happens? It happened to many of us, but imagine if you were unfortunate enough to be the aggressor? How empty they must be inside, while we, the black sheep now have ability to see. And in seeing we can help our flock not dwell on the b.s.😜😜😜
Being a black sheep builds character! We aren't the ones with the narc problem. We got this now! Thanks Dr. R!!
Me too,
My mother rang my house and asked to speak to my husband.
I lost my cool and told her to get lost.
( She never acknowledged me, or said hello)
Sad and it hurts, my parents are dead and one day I saw a post from a man saying how much he missed his mother even though a few years had passed. I had the realization that I don't miss mine, my councilor explained I never had a connection them so how can I miss them. Never being loved, scapegoated served with copious amounts of mental cruelty and violence made for a hard childhood, but it made me tough, maybe too tough. Sadly I'm married to a narcissist so listening to HG Tudor and this lady is a huge help.
My husband and my mother hated each other and she did her best to humiliate me in front of him, but they recognized each other and neither wanted to lose their control over me. I now realise being able to put put up with abuse kept me caught in it, now I know what is going on, it seems likely at some point I will leave.
This link shows the arrogant mindset if narcs, it will change how you view them.
Watch Narcs "The Full Horror Moment" on TH-cam
th-cam.com/video/v32aq-195fk/w-d-xo.html
I’m thrilled about the silent treatment from my entire family. Grateful for it. Life has become bliss.
I think you saved me from drowning... for the past 8 years, I've had no clue wth was going on.
I didn’t know I was with a narcissist and I called out what I thought was just problematic behavior and when I started setting boundaries, the narcissistic cruelty began.
Something always works for me is doing something nice for someone who is in a more unfortunate situation than me. Doing something nice to cheer up someone who is sad like making them a cake, taking them out for a coffee, walking their dog, listening to their problems… just get out there and do something nice to someone… it’s just so healing …
I like this too. My father passed away Tuesday & my twin narcissist allowed me to find out from a condolence message. I am furious but instead collected food for an elderly person who is struggling. Also provided her with a walker & a cane. Felt good to use that as my distraction. Today is clothes for another.
That's really beautiful. I agree wholeheartedly. Getting out of my own head and my own self pity or rumination is of great benefit. Usually reaching out and connecting with a healthy person or helping someone in need is a great reset and refocus. Nicely put!
Yup but careful, you will run out of steam! I now cringe from my past want or ability to be the life of the party 🎉, I so don't get much out of it, I feel like my buds are kinda takers in this regard, I know they don't have it in them but it gets boring ffaaasssst!
@@kelleyrogers4623 - I am so sorry for your loss. How kind of you to think of others after losing your Dad, then being treated coldly by the narc. Be good to yourself, too - buy yourself a special treat!
@@kelleyrogers4623 I am sorry for the death of your dad and for your narc twin's abusive treatment of you. It's so good that you are turning your pain and frustration into doing good deeds for others. It lifts the spirits - the people you are helping who appreciate your help, and your spirit, too. Wonderful.
The best alternative- life's beautiful. Especially, after undergoing narc abuse,life becomes more meaningful than before with our determination.take that strength, create a beautiful life,we are all there already with Ramani's guidance.
we are left with CPTSD. we can become triggered without even knowing it. You may just wake up and feel off, not really knowing why. It takes a lot of work and self care. Dr. Ramani helps us to learn we have tools to protect ourselves.
Gotta get that happy, that good feeling adrenaline going again!
There is no choice. They have infested key institutions and spread misery, erode our rights, freedoms, happiness, health and prosperity, and spread their disease to the next generation by way of attachment-system trauma and splitting during childhood development. We have to stop it as it is unsustainable for our future. There is nothing they won't take from you or the ones you love and it will only get more difficult the longer we wait to disempower them and steer the world back onto a sustainable path with a life that is worth living.
I’ve been grey rocking my narcissistic partner. For several years - I didn’t know it was a thing - I’ve just learnt to keep quiet - occasionally I let my guard down - and then I get a quick reminder why I don’t tell him anything ..
For a good example of "greyrocking," watch Downton Abbey. The upper crust used to be VERY good at making small talk in order to protect themselves from getting caught up in scandal. There were always opportunistic people just waiting around to blackmail them or get their names in the papers just to monetarily profit off their famous names. By never going deeper than the surface during any conversation, they would never reveal their "cards" so to speak and would never have any reason to be discussed in a poor light.
"..when you greyrock it's not a deep relationship - but the fact is, it never was."
Oh to have developed this awareness 20+ years ago : /
Forgive yourself and smile all the way to the bank that you did get it after all.
Right? 75 years of wondering what I did to deserve the subtle chronic abuse from family, and finally I'm given the gift of truth and understanding. Hallelujah!
I wish that for me too
Same
Grey rock?
For me I can't have a surface relationship, so boring and unfulfilling. I thrive on deep intimate relationships, especially with a partner. Best for me to just let go and move on instead of just finding ways to deal with them.
Narcs are incredibly superficial, they use up all of your energy and attention on the most banal stuff. You can never go deep with these people - there is no depth.
@@melhawk1352 right on!!!
Yes, but what if its my mother and she is 78?
@@hisnewlife3543 You need to run your race. Forget about them.
We were taught that if you simply communicate effectively you can have a good relationship with anyone. They were wrong! Don't waste your time.
Having lived with a narcissistic parent all my life, cannot express how useful these techniques are. The very few times I stepped my foot down (there were only 2) and told him off or sternly told him to stop treating my mum like that, it was far worse... not constructive at all. Didn't know this pattern of behaviour was called narcissism, but it is like you are describing my childhood now. Thank you so much for your valuable videos Doctor Ramani!
I read an article yesterday about “8 ways to SCARE a narcissist” and it horrified me: all things I would LOVE to do to my abuser, but utterly conflict inducing and asking for further trauma. The only good advice was at the end: run away and don’t look back. Thank you for this channel.
Narcissism is a One person wrecking crew!! It's true every time I tried to call him out it only caused such intense setbacks for everyone involved. It is so destabilizing.
@@123abracadabra6 Thank you! I have gone no contact. Maybe you are right but he is destroying his own life. He doesn't even realize that he is suffering. His god realm delusion makes him blind to his own suffering and all of the suffering he creates all around him
@@123abracadabra6 I am sorry that you went through all of that. It's also my father. That's the only reason I tried so hard to help him. I have learned incredibly hard lessons because everyone I dated was extremely toxic. I have also gone no contact with my entire family.
@@123abracadabra6 Wow you were absolutely right!! I will delete my comment after you read this reply. He ain't suffering shit because he can't see how much of a predator he is and how much he destroys everything around him
@@123abracadabra6 🌺
I changed my comment. Thank you! Good luck for a great life ahead and my best wishes for you too.
This is why I have healthy and forfilling hobbies that ground me in joy.
I took up gardening and garment construction.
I started writing a book
What if you live with one :(
@@kannahashimoto7044 still find hobbies, it will help keep you sane in the madness and help you get out
@@kannahashimoto7044 when I lived with two, I had this ritual that I would paint my nails every day. Even though it didn't stop the abuse it was a way to re center and look after myself a bit. Good luck analog girl, keep looking for support x
best advice is never call them out... just work on your own healing.. i learned the hard way. I just wanted them to feel as much pain as they cause me. while it was satisfying watching them panic it was very temporary and once the moment was over they were back to the usual tricks again and denied everything...
It took me a while to confirm that I was dating a narcissist. Luckily, It was only 5 months into the relationship. It was so confusing, the accusations made no sense, the meaningless anger , the entitlement...anything could lead to "walking away" , I was always wrong and he was always "right". Thanks to God and social media I could get out of the dark mess.
I called out my narcx. He filed a lawsuit filled with lies, rewrote the past, assualted me in court with 28 lies, and used the legal system to continue the abuse. These people are DANGEROUS. I have the PTSD, therapy bills, and financial losses to show for the destruction.
Oh I know. I got Baker Acted and held for no reason, they had to let me go. I was just trying to get away and go to lunch, 5 police cars surrounded me in the parking lot of a restaurant. He claimed I was going to self harm, like I would do such a thing over him. And nothing I had on me or my tox screen showed anything, but that 22 hours with no food in the looney bin has given me PTSD.
My friends ex is doing this as we speak. She is beyond disgusting and she often comments on sites saying she is the victim of narcissists too. She's very good at what she does. She tried to make me her flying monkey as a set up for later. Thankfully i saw straight through her. But these people are cruel and so misguided. I guess the best place to look for their next victims are in places we share our pain at their hands. Good luck moving forward x
Went through the same the past year. I am healing now and gaining my power.
Omg yes very similar thing happened to me. I didn’t necessarily call them out, so I did feel like it came out of nowhere in my naivety. Ofc it wasn’t out of nowhere they are *always toxic/abusive*
@@emmadean3007 don't ever confront Narcissist friends, they love to see you down, just go somewhere else and making new friends
I've noticed that since setting boundaries and grey rocking, the narcissist seems to sense something's up and constantly says that if we're mad at her she would hope we would tell her why so we can have a "healthy relationship". We know it's a trap.
We refuse to fight with her about it and give her any ammo to slander us or throw back at us.
I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this way of doing things
Its so funny that they see boundaries as "someone being mad" at them
They sure do respond to the grey rock don’t they?? They can sense something is off but will never ever take a look at themselves as the common denominator in all their drama and issues
I left my narcissistic boyfriend only 15 days after the first abusive and insulting incident, because I immediately contacted my therapist who helped me see that he had NPD/HPD both. Suddenly everything became clear to me. All the red flags I had noticed earlier but ignored, now made more sense to me. An excellent grandiose performer, my boyfriend was actually a charmer and an adorable person who everyone fell in love with very easily. I also recognised that his NPD/HPD was genetic --- his mother, I identified, had the same traits, but to a milder extent. I went no contact in 15 days, though I informed a few close friends of his that they should send him to therapy if they wanted to see him as a better human being. Since his friends loved and respected me a lot, they seemed to understand what I was referring to. They too recognised some patterns in my boyfriend which had angered and bewildered them earlier. But, I didn't look back. My therapist was adamant that I should run. I did. I was saved.
Thank you 🙏 After 30 years of marriage your videos are light bulb moments of recognition. I can identify with so many who have commented about their experiences with a narcissist. So many ways I have tried to be a ‘better person’ to forgive, to make it work, knowing I’m going beyond the realms of what is acceptable in a relationship. All these years of trying to understand, make sense of the triggers and smooth things out but nothing making any sense, with chameleon like changes. Affecting my health, my self esteem, my self worth. It’s a relief to hear that nothing is going to change. I can stop trying. It’s not me. I’m worthy of more. From me.
I’m in the same situation Anne. Spent many years confused about the behavior, trying to make things work for the sake of my children. They are grown now and have moved away. Our narc has only me to concentrate on now. I’m not a depressive person by nature but the situation is starting to affect my health.
@@susanq6398 Hi Susan, how's your day going with you?
She "called me out".
Funny thing is radical acceptance and grey rock is how I ended our friendship.
She can rage and project all she wants, I know who I am.
Let her huff and puff all she wants, she was warned!
Your last sentence is a powerful statement. I'm glad you cut her off.
I have been firewalling my mother for years. I used to think I was being a wimp and needed to work on my confrontation skills but thanks to this video I just learned I was doing the right thing the whole time. I am sane after all.
GA Girl,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I never knew that “Gray-rocking” had a name.
Thanks. I have found that in the past when I’ve had no choice but to interact with a narcissistic personality (a co-worker in a tight team setting or someone assigned as a company superior) it was like I clicked into auto-detached mode.
Yup, they can be assigned to you.
Protect protect protect yourself as long as you can and recognize if you’re getting sick while you get paid.
In personal relationships, I have had a much easier time walking away.
In nearly every situation in life, one can generally FIGHT, FLY, NEGOTIATE OR COMPLY.
Not one works with a narcissist.
No, cos they never do anything wrong !!..masters of passive aggression....and I think their denial is so deep that they believe their own spin stories xx
I have been doing the "fire-walling" for a few months. Good name, I like it having a name. It's sad to have a shallow relationship with my husband, but it's great to have some sort of relationship with him. I am starting to see him as a person, a regular person and not so much my ex loved one. Once a week the sadness with in acumulates and I cry a bit, but on a daily basis it's a good relationship to have while I figure out how I am going to live on my own again after 11 years. Thanks Dr Ramani, I listen to you every morning, you keep me focused and strong 💪
Yes, I know exactly what you mean.....💜
You sound like you're really moving forward. It is hard to think of ourselves as survivors, but *you are a survivor*, and I think you will get out. You will be surprised that once you are no longer in such a toxic environment, you will find even more strength and determination. You go, girl!
I can relate so so so much to what you’re saying. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing. With all of the gaslighting my bf does, I thought I was crazy....until I found this channel. I too feel so much sorrow to have such a shallow relationship, and I also find myself crying. If you want some support and feel like talking about it, I’d love to hear from you. I feel so alone with this, it breaks my heart. I hate knowing that other people in this world feel the same.
@@christinamarie7460 I'm also in a relationship with a narcissist, though I think they're pretty low on the scale.
Deciding to go or stay is an important decision and I would suggest that if even once they have physically hurt you, GO!
In my relationship a bit of greyrock, a bit of firewall, and all's good.
When they gaslight I literally walk away without a word, never reply or argue. I keep my own house, bank account, car, we do NOT mix money.
Good luck
I did that as well I just didn't know what it was called. It's a good term for that.
I was provoked by a narc and then I raged and then they called me out as they remained calm cool and collected. I am working on my own response to my own anger because there is no excuse for me to be raging. It makes it unclear who is really the narcissist. I deeply regret responding that way. They became very smug and self righteous after. They know how to bring out the worst in people so be aware of that when you start to feel angry.
You are so very right!
Narcissists love to provoke you into a angry reaction- then they play the victim with their family, therapist's and flying monkeys....he has everyone(including my grown sons) snowed.....I truly believe these people have demons in them....over it....I deserve better.
Spot on. This took me a while to master but I managed this. Working on the million other things these demons throw at us. This community is a huge safe space and comfort 🙏❤️
You simply had a normal response to trauma. I don’t believe you did anything wrong. The narcissist just delights in doing the damage to hurt you and then happily revel in your justifiable anger.
It definitely is very smart to remember this when you get angry. That all it will do is feed and entertain them.
i asked a musician friend.
is the part of you i really like really real or is it just faked?, or when you are being needlessly derogatory and uppity and gaslighting me or your ex wife or anyone else is that really real or faked?
and why do you have to do that?
are you unable to be nice and kind like most people?
do
you even realize how out of line and drama queen you are?
do you realize how wasteful and unnecessary this is?
do you realize no one is perfect including yourself and everyone else?
?
and do you realize that a carbon copy of you just wont do?
do you realize how much longer this will be tolerated?
While I was in the narcissistic relationship, I found the best reply to their hurtful statements was just to say "whatever". They seemed fulfilled, I gave a response but nothing to continue the fight over and it seemed to end the conflict.
Thank you. The advice you give in this video is very wise and helpful.
"It was never a deep relationship." That hurts to realize because it was on my side of it. Struggling with that.
Indeed...it's real to us but they, unfortunately, were just playing a role to suit their ever-changing selfish needs. Hurts a bit.
Yes, it's very real to us. And the fact we can't express it without facing ridicule, makes it worse. I don't like being a grey rock😞
Totally get it
It really hurts. When I told my daughter I needed a break and that she was toxic to me, she let loose with some of the most hurtful and hateful words possible. She told me what I thought was a good mother/daughter relationship was only superficial at best.
@@killjoyredux8361 Hurts a lot
"Refusing to call them out is not enabling." I had never thought of it the way you explained it and this is so helpful! Thank you!
I really agreed with most of her videos but disappointed by this one. It is enabling.
@@rachelelise1655 A few months ago I would have agreed with you because I had no idea what was a narcissist was. I've stood up for myself for years, calling out my tormenter, thinking that it was good for me to assert myself, even though it was exhausting, and hoping that I could convince my spouse to seek help. In reality, the calling out never did any good for either of us. Since finding Dr. Ramani I've learned to stop calling out my narc--and what a huge difference it has made in my life to "go gray rock." The inner peace is wonderful.
I can not be emotionally invested in my own relationship. I accept this.
That's exactly right, it sucks but it's true. That's where I'm at right now, I'm silently planning my escape
Thank you Dr Ramani. Another video that I need to keep on loop on my playlist. I am 54 and finally broke down at Christmas after years of what I now realise was abuse from my narcissistic mother (84) & golden child brother.
But my struggle, and I’m getting therapy is after going no contact my trauma bond is still so strong that I am in the “why did my mum do these things?” A: because she’s a narcissist. “Yes, I get what a narcissist is, but this is my mum surely she will understand if I explain”, A: no, she is a narcissist. “Yes, I get that but why is everything about her and she has no respect for me and continually hurt, invalidated me and never gave me support or love when I needed it? She’s my mum after all.” A:…. Etc. I guess that’s the trauma bond in it’s fullest. It is so difficult especially when some people say “move on. Don’t think about her. Love yourself more”.
The trauma bond between a sibling and parent is overwhelming & acceptance of her being a narcissist, despite playing out 100% how you describe in your videos, is why I am therapy as I just can’t deal with this normally on my own. Your videos are a great source of therapy too. THANK YOU❤️🙏
After you said you wont have a deep relationship, but in reality, you never did... had to catchh myself from crying.
Yeah, I thought my aunt and uncle were seeking types but what I've found is that they were seeking information about me. They would sometimes say how much they valued how much I truly shared the ups and downs of my life as a singlemother.But when I moved closer to the family geographically, all hell broke loose. And, they moved on over time from being full on flying monkeys to covert narrcissists as their determination toprotect what ever the status quo solidified and hardened. Against me. These people, whom I'd always regarded as rather deep, free thinkers--special--? Not so much. How far can you get with people who will never love the truth?
For us deep types, the truth hurts but will also set us free! Tears are the first liberating moments. You will be fine... keep growing. 😇
I have tried for decades trying to figure why I, at times, seem to not be able to have a mature relationship with my wife. Through these TH-cam lessons I now realize that my spouse is a text book narc. NOW I UNDERSTAND!
Same, bang bang bang our heads on the brick wall
They are manipulating parasites. Covid doesn’t have a thing on them 👹
By maintaining a victim status, they control the environment
Their immaturity is, I guess, our biggest problem/stumbling block!
@@thehappywanderer6469 didn't mine call me bi-polar 2 weeks ago! My step dad was, so frustrating trying to get anywhere mature with these lunatics!
I love these videos. I didn’t know I was with a narcissist until my adult child was in therapy. Working on myself now. 😞
I text-yelled at her, got a "wow" from her, then blocked her. It all felt good ☺️ now I'm enjoying the silence.