THIS Is Why An Avoidant Doesn't Fight For A Relationship & What to Do!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 พ.ค. 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares the top reasons why the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) won't fight for a relationship. Watch now to find out what these reasons are as well as an exercise that will help you set boundaries and communicate your needs, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:22 - Feelings Minus Fears
00:02:52 - Catalyst for Wounds
00:05:12 - They believe relationships should “always be easy”
00:07:30 - Flaw-find and Self-doubt
00:08:20 - Unable to co-regulate
00:10:49 - Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment (Limited time offer)
00:10:53 - Exercise
00:15:24 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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Great video. Let me save you all some trouble, just pass. If someone has one foot out of the door, can't communicate, silent treatment, can't show love and is standoffish, cold, doesn't care about your feelings, and the list goes on. Trust me, it only gets worse and you're wasting your time. Find someone that wants to be with you and can reciprocate love and affection.
I agree you just can’t fight for someone who doesn’t believe in what you’re fighting for.
You’ll just resent yourself for giving them chances because you want a particular outcome that never materialises.
it’s draining. Even if you think you’re being understanding you’re actually compromising your own integrity.
You end up becoming frustrated with the way they behave - feeling like they are doing it to intentionally make you uncomfortable.
The worst thing for me was the smug look - or at least what I interpreted as a smug look. As if putting my genuine empathy out there and my heart on the line was entertaining or some kind of game. I spent two years trying to understand this type of person and I’m just as dumbfounded now as I was when they suddenly switched from their “best self” to the empty person they were deep down.
It’s awkward and pointless to stand for these types of people.
I found it was best to heal my own attachment style. Once I did that, I was able to look back and not personalize anything my ex DA did and I was also able to see the areas where I contributed to fall of the relationship. You know the saying..."It takes two..."
@@LeeChrissy Yes, definitely sometimes. However, if you're behind the eight ball from the start with the DA, there is no making them happy. You are absolutely correct that you need to focus on yourself and improve yourself. That's all we can do in this life and we can find those who want the same thing we do and have a loving, trusting relationship.
Try 53 years on and off with this type... Very dissapointing, indeed. I watch these vids with empathy and concern having been through all you describe.
Stand off, run if needed- You're on the correct path.@@Elizalustof
AGREE!!!!!
Bottom line: If they won’t go to therapy with you or alone, let them go! I’m working on my avoidant traits. I fully accept that I am my own worst enemy in relationships and I don’t want to hurt other people or myself anymore. I don’t want to be in a cycle of new relationships and I don’t want to die alone. My hyper independence comes from years of childhood abuse and I will be damned if I let my childhood trauma continue to wreak havoc on my life
Yes! I’m in the same space realizing how many DA traits, programs, patterns that I have let run in the background for my entire life due to childhood neglect. Not going to sit back anymore. It’s v painful to learn how I’ve left a wake of hurt in my path but determined to do the work and live fully with love and vulnerability.
They won't fight for the healthy relationship but will for the toxic relationship.
They know they lack the requirements for a healthy one. They know they r too damaged and must not attempt to entertain higher caliber women bc we won’t stay.
It’s true they tend to chase after who doesn’t want them at all
@@flagirl0315 because they know deep down it won't work out and there is no chance for a real intimate relationship with that person, so deep down it allows them remain alone...
@@Lolipop8686 exactly! It’s totally a subconscious thing. I’ve met a lot of people who do that. And in their mind have a fantasy about it. But you know if that person reciprocated feelings they would run for the hills
You know there is some truth to this. I adore my ex DA, but I also know his past dating history as we were friends years before we dated. He remained in relationships where he was cheated on with one and fought constantly with another. With me it was smooth sailing for the most past. In 3 years I believe we had 3 conflicts that were solvable, but because we were both unhealed, neither of us could communicate our way out of it so we would both go quiet. Now that I am secure, we're on two different emotional levels and I had to turn him away when he came back.
NO MATTER WHAT you offer an avoidant you are guaranteed to receive severe neglect in return. I had to learn to accept that some people do not want to give or receive love. They're broken. Don't break your own heart trying to fix them. They don't want the support you have.
Sadly my experience. Next
You said it perfectly. Thanks for that. So friggin true. Being an empath doesn't help either.
@terri5624 I understand. It's hard to not help those that we see need it. Sadly, they won't receive it. It's wasted energy 🫂
@LinA-kj4xy good for you!
Absolutist thinking is the sign of a smooth brain
By the time you realize that your partner is avoidant it's too late. Peace, love and goodbye to that
From my experience, very accurate and poignant comment 👏
Ladies - take it from someone who found this out the hard way - just dump him and move on. If you’re doing all the giving and he’s just taking, has one foot in and one foot out, isn’t there when you need him and isn’t talking commitment within a year - RUN, otherwise he will. I wasted 5 yrs on such a man and the lack of closure started me on an early menopause, I lost half my hair and plunged into depression - while he just got on with his life as if I’d never been part of it. Don’t let this happen to you because it’s like a slow sui*ide. No matter how handsome, charming, career-smart and sexy he is, he will one day destroy your life, trust me. LET HIM GO before he does.
Have you looked into your own attachment style to heal yourself? It definitely helps when choosing future partners and you will tolerate a lot less and leave sooner. Personally DA's and I work well together, but not when I don't have boundaries and non-negotiables in place.
Omg - almost the same thing happened to full…even the early menopause and depression etc…
The most toxic and harmful relationship to your own mental health is to be with a dismissive avoidant!
One year is not enough to know someone before marrying them. The reason divorce rates are so high is because people marry too soon and don't understand how much people can hide for several years and can change over time. It takes more like 3-4 years for mentally healthy people to vet someone and see if they're really serious commitment material
Sounds like narcissistic abuse
100% my story, too… even the same period of time🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😳
I was the really generous partner pouring into an avoidant. It's like pouring water thru a colander. Nothing sticks, and then you're the one left feeling empty. The love, affection, kindness, and care that I gave that man......what a waste.
I felt the same way. Although I was super guilty for cutting him off from my life, I am starting to appreciate now that I did.
Sorry to hear that - same here. I gave my all but when I needed him most he abandoned me without a word, the day after my Dad died - just disappeared out of my life. 5 years wasted.
You shouldn't do that though. You have to have your own cup filled before you pour into others. I used to be like that, but will never be that person again. If we are the ones pouring, we only have ourselves to blame...no one else. People pleasing in part of an unhealed attachment. I was a FA but went through PDS to heal it.
Giving with the intention of receiving is not giving. You feel drained because you rely on positive feedback for validation. That validation needs to come from within first, before you can give without being drained.
@@Littleowl85352 While that is the true premise of unconditional love, I feel it's not really sustainable in a relationship where it take two to tango.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to let it out… it doesn’t matter where or with who. If this is your outlet, we are all here. We are going through the same or are getting through it. Break ups are insanely hard on the body and mind…. I know you miss her. I miss my partner too… but we cannot force them to be with us, even if we’re awesome and they’re missing out on an amazing person…
They know. But something isn’t right .. whatever that is, is different for all of us.
I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is no shame in talking about 🙏🏼 Let it out, tell us what happened and most of us will answer back. Because we know that it hurts and we know that there’s always a story… I hope you begin to feel better as the days pass. Don’t rush into conclusions. Just take it easy and try to begin rebuilding your life and also, don’t hold your breath for her. Just send her love and light and wish her the best. If she’s yours, she will come back and no one else can make the decision to try again besides you two. Fuck what anyone says, YOU call the shots. But don’t get stuck,. Heal, learn and if she doesn’t come back, then at least you’re building your life up without her. And you’ll be okay… trust me. You’ll be good ❤️
Because they don’t care! I tried to understand this. But the truth is they make you feel like you are unimportant. And I’ve healed my own attachment. I’m speaking from a very secure place. They may care internally but they will definitely not be considerate of how you feel.
I promise that a lot of them do care, but it heavily depends on their bond with you. I have DA friends and have dated a couple. If they don't care or don't have strong feelings, they can definitely ice someone out. But if they do have intense feelings, they sometimes don't know how to handle deep emotions and have particular ways of showing them. It really depends on the person and the dynamic.
I don't think they care at all, even internally to be honest... I think they really do not care and just move on because at the end they never created a connection with you
Folks, it’s not our job to fix “someone’s broken child”. Learned the hard way…
Can I just say. What hacks me off about avoidents is when they honestly believe the communication issues stem from you, be it that you are secure or anxious, they can't see how they overwhelmingly contribute to the communication breakdown
Okay. What are you going to do with that emotion of yours? What will you change in yourself?
Okay but both can be true. Anxious people sometimes think they are communicating in a healthy way when they're not which results in an avoidant going quiet. The same for secure people. Depending on the person, anyone can come off a certain way that the other person doesn't like. I date a SA once and he was great, but every now and then he would say something that was so blunt it was rude. To him it sounded fine. Perspective is everything.
@gregvanpaassen the only thing you can do is learn how to communicate with an avoidant person. Having the tools and equipment necessary helps, but the ownership is on the avoident individual to work on how they show up as well. If they won't, then a deadline has to be set to walk away. It can't be one-sided. I am secure, but I also have done the work to learn how to communicate with people who have different styles. Even though I can navigate, It's still one of the most frustrating things to go through.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Agree
@@defiantenergy or you can leave
An avoidant doesn't want to save a relationship because they secretly resent you. And the steps you should take are go be single and figure out why you would ever settle for a relationship that you know isn't right for you and learn how to pick people that are good for you.
@@ferielsayedi2302 maybe the kind of love, or the way you show love isn’t what they want or need. I’m DA, but I remember meeting a man who was polygamous. I couldn’t understand it, being an introvert and a DA how the hell am I supposed/want to be with more than one person? One person tires me enough. He didn’t understand how one or no person was enough for me. Differences, but it doesn’t mean we can’t find people who appreciate us. I stopped looking romantically, but I think my friends appreciate me
@@ferielsayedi2302because love makes them repel faster than a rat up a drainpipe.
@sj3969 why were you even with him then? So you dated someone that you knew wasn't right and then got upset because how are you supposed to be with someone like that. Thats the whole point. You picked someone you knew was not a good match and then resented them for it. Cmon man
@@ferielsayedi2302 because they project their issues onto their partners
@@mathews0618 exactly. People put feelings over compatibility. Not a great idea.
A very simple thing I have discovered is the only thing that works with my Dismissive avoidant man is to just let him know I love him and am here for him, see him through these wounds and then I just let him go to figure things out. I have enough confidence in him as an intelligent person that he will figure out his own patterns and heal himself, but it only can happen in the absence of me. I just let him know at a distance, “hey, I am still here” but I am also moving forwards with my life too.
I love this!! Learning to do exactly what you said in the last sentence
How is that a good relationship? I'm very serious. All I've ever had was abuse. I've done a lot of work on healing to get myself back. I'm now engaged. But I am recognizing the dismissive avoidant that he actually is. There can be no real talk. If it isn't superficial, he's irritated. It's emotional neglect & after all the abuse, I'm not up for it. Why would this be worth the time & trouble? You obviously feel yours IS worth the trouble. Are you seeing something you can describe? How you're able to feel respected, cherished, able to have great communication, have fun together... ?
I'm not sure why anyone would choose this path instead of just leaving for a new partner. I left my avoidant and found the sweetest, most loving, open partner in the world. It's just easy and comfortable, in a way that dating the avoidant never was. In most cases, moving on is probably for the best.
I'm my case I'm fighting for it because we have 3 children together and I believe we owe it to them, and also because I love him deeply. The "just leave" comments can be frustrating. Sometimes relationships, even with avoidants, are worth fighting and working our butts off for, especially when children are involved.
@@hclements3884 Yeah YOU are here fighting, not them. You'll spend a lifetime feeling alone and lonely, or you will eventually leave, with way more trauma than you came into the relationship with. You and your kids could find someone worthwhile to love on you, spoil you and show up for you. I never said leaving is easy. But staying is harder.
@@hclements3884 you probably get frustrated with the comments that say "just leave" because subconsciously you know that's exactly what you should be doing. I love DA's and all, but I don't love staying in something where my needs aren't getting met. Love has nothing to do with a strong, thriving relationship. I'm single with kids because I wouldn't settle. They are much better off seeing me happy alone than unhappy and in a relationship.
They claim they dont want to fight, but yet, fing everything as an attack. They live in defense mode instead of opening their hearts. They are not healthy in any way. Life is difficult for everyone, everyone has been through shit. Continuing to use your trauma as a scape goat, is only keeping you stuck and struggling if you are an avoidant. I recommend avoiding the avoidant.
Yes!!! 1000% right on
You're triggered. It's okay. No one asked you to date an avoidant. And the same trauma we have is the same trauma that has you desperately clinging to people. Opposite sides of the same coin.
@@ketosisweightloss9480. The problem is that true love and a healthy interdependent relationship is viewed as “desperately clinging to people” by the avoidant. A healthy loving marriage that lasts a lifetime is NOT a weakness.
@@richardgene4231 that's a lie. I'm a DA and I have no issues in my relationships with secure and other DA. But put me in a relationship with an anxious person and I lose my mind. I've been there and never again, i'ld rather chew rocks. Anxious people have no idea what interdependency looks like. I refuse to be anyone's therapist and listen to all their trauma, be their only source of entertainment, their source of self esteem, worth and validation. I just can't. It's emotionally draining.
@@ketosisweightloss9480Youre both draining
In my experience, you often don't know the other person is avoidant until they run away. No conflicts or difficulties. By this time the avoidant has no desire to 'work' on anything; they want to relieve their fear and revulsion by getting away from you. I have learned the hard way to let them run.
Why do you think they come back?
@@adaminfluxgood freaking question.
@@adaminflux because its easier than trying to start something new
Yup that’s what I just went through
Mine just wouldn’t work on themselves during the relationship they go to the gym and know how to take care of themselves body wise but they only befriend anyone who supports their ideologies and current needs when it comes to give and take in a relationship they won’t do anything unless there is something in it for them mine went on for 3 and half years and they just wouldn’t grow or level up in life it was easy when the starting phase was there we loved each other spent plenty time together plus there was lockdowns so it was easier but as the relationship unfolded it was always me doing the running and growing they had no ambition in life I got sick and tired of them not pulling their weight when I had got through my driving paid for holidays for us paid off their birth certificates and passport but when it came to looking for a place together they only looked at the displayed price or how much rent a month it would be and not take into account all the other things that it takes to run a place they couldn’t accept the fact that they needed to grow with me in order to afford it coz over here in the uk everything is set for two full time working adults and even then you still struggle however most jobs over here are part time so your always in debt 💸 things ended with me and my ex when they kept bringing their problems to me while I was at work and I couldn’t help them because customers needed help and my ex just wanted me to drop everything while at work and see to their problems with me they were having a full blown mental breakdown in front of everyone and I couldn’t do anything because of being at work I felt so helpless we texted for two more days then Easter Monday rolled around said they were going out for the day when they always said to me for the entire relationship that their social anxiety stopped them from going out so I wished them a good day the very next day they ended the relationship with me and have been doing a smear campaign against me both in work and on social media since and everybody seems to be buying it I can’t believe how gullible people are it’s rediculous after everything I done for them during our relationship even going against my own family they just want a sugar mammy or daddy that they can control they keep lying and twisting facts to people playing the victim I just am so fed up makes me just want to remain single the rest of my life
Wow. You have to really love a person to go through all of this. It’s too much and exhausting. I’ll just take the L (loss). You doing all the work to be in a relationship and they sit and wait for you. You’ll always be the one doing and initiating.
I have an honest genuine question. Are there any avoidant people here watching and trying to learn so that they can improve or is it just secure and anxiously attached people here trying to learn and grow so they can cater for the avoidant?
Heaps of us, the former. Scan the comments and you'll find us
I wish these were targeted at the attachment type in question instead of people interacting with them bc those are the people who actually have the ability to make a change. The anxious videos should be for anxious ppl and the avoidant videos should be for avoidant ppl, not this roundabout adjacency situation that makes it seem like someone besides the person with the attachment style can have any significant impact on the situation.
@@mmurd I would tend to agree. All these little strategies directed at the other partner are such a waste of time, healing needs to happen to oneself by oneself for there to be meaningful change
Yes, I am an FA though, and this seems more geared towards DAs. I watch these videos not to see how to help my partner (I have been single for a long time), but to better map out where my own weaknesses in attachment style are so that when I meet people, I can tell if we are able t9 meet each others' needs based on attachment styles.
I've given up thinking that another person would try to figure out how to meet MY needs, so I now filter for who just naturally fits without having to learn or try. It's easier that way. Nobody wants to put the effort in.
If you're a regular PDS watcher and read through the comments, there are lots of avoidants whether FA or DA watching and participating. Thais has mentioned that DA's complete more courses than any other attachment style. I'm SA but a former FA myself. You can tell the difference in the way people speak. DA's come off as very level and secure, not so emotional like other attachment styles.
what you're proposing are great steps but only IF... relationship hasn't been falling apart for a long time already and your partner has some level of self-awareness and wants to do the work. otherwise you become a therapist of your partner who hates being criticized, held accountable, or even when you point out that your needs are not met, I've been through this cycle with a patience and kind language of an angel and still I was called abusive for even suggesting that we both have to work on fixing communication, and not just one person. Needless to say I left and it's been a painful recovery but deep down in my soul I knew I had to leave. I started really hating myself for staying or even considering friendship with someone who completely didn't care about me anymore.
I feel bad for anyone still trying to work things out with a da. At some point they will discard you. Even after years of marriage. With an amazing secure man now who is light years better. I’m embarrassed at who I was when with a da and that I was even with them 😂
I've done a lot of healing with this channel. Love coming back every so often for little reminders.
Look after yourself, and move on if you have to. Peace and no longer ruminating is the victory!
My story: in 10yrs span she came in to my life couple of times and always ran away. But this time it was serious. I didnt want to give her chance but she was insistent, love-bombing was top notch. No other girls chases you like that. It was surreal and seem a little off... and so it was. Step by step my defences came down and we started dating. Its was the best feeling ever, she said: i was her one and only, the ONE, nobody treated her like i did (and i was a romantic).
She said she never leave me, never abandom me, that i was her future husband a gift from God. (We are christians) She started talking about marriange and engagement, planning our wedding. It wast subtle it was straightforward. For me this kind of speed was kind of weird, but i talked to her, her closest friend (she has one), her mom. Everybody was telling - go for it, its all right, you are ment for each other, your love story is so romantic. And so i did, and she said yes.
But then a week after we had our first "problem". She didnt want to solve it and talk like adults, its ether we do what she wants or im the bad one. And if i insisted to talk about my side and my feelings, she shutted down. Another week pased, its was amazing weekend, she kissed me, told me she loved me etc. But then we had another problem, another misunderstanding wich is typical for couples. She didnt want to listen to me, was very critical to the smallest stupidest details, but she herself responded very badly if i said something to her. And she left me. She cried all night, became a victim, her dreams or now i understand "illusions" of perfect partner was shattered, her fears triggered and she left me and ghosted me.
For those of you, who dates an avoidant and have feeling for them i say - dont invest all your hearth, its may be dificult, but do it, i would hurt less, trust me.
And im not the only one.
Bro mine refused to talk it through and we only had 1 rough moment. Her solution was to end it, I was more than willing to talk it over to find some middle ground or something.
Yes how would we feel being married to someone like this silent treatment ghosting in your home sometimes don't even want to sleep with you.Ive seen it a lot of times rejection is God's or the universe protection or redirection you dodged a bullet and so did I.
@@sheliasmith2884 thank you, it means a lot to me. 🙏 And funny enough, you were right about silent treatment and no sleeping together. We planned to live together after marriage next month, but during our conversations or suring those two fights, she said that those things would be natural to her.
Thank you for your words. I’ve been involved with a lady who I gave my whole heart and soul to. I am starting to understand how she functions. She is a psychotherapist and uses her trauma as an excuse for her behaviour. She was married for twenty years to a narcissist who emotionally abused her yet she cheated on him numerous times. In the four years she was with me, three times she broke it off like a light switch. We are like best friends and everything is going great and then within a literal one hour span something gets triggered and she breaks it off and ghosts me. And usually lame excuses. The last one was five weeks ago. She is also trauma bonded to her ex. They speak all the time yet she says she can’t stand him. I told her until she can completely break free of him she will never find anyone because no one can compete with him. He even told her why would you break up with him. He grounds you and is good for you. Her sons even told her the same thing. I am now running as fast as I can from her. It does hurt though I cannot lie
@David_Me825 Your situation sounds more serious than just avoidant attachment style, not that that's not bad enough! But she may also have something like Borderline Personality Disorder, which causes them to have very unstable relationships. They will choose a favorite person, whom they will build up and put on a pedestal, but their perception of themselves is so unstable that they are incapable of building a stable relationship with anyone else. It's a lot more complex than that, but that's a piece of it. Narcissists also do the love bombing like she did. It's a manipulative tactic. Hope you stay far away from that situation so you can keep your sanity!
more than 2 months now since we last had contact and my avoidant ex broke up with me. reason for it was only because i was trying to save and improve our relationship the 2nd time around by having open communication, discussing our past issues and having transparency but instead of having this heart to heart conversation, he felt like i was “attacking” him and it was easier to lose me than to work on what we had because as per him he was too “toxic.”
even though what he did was so painful, there’s still a part of me that wishes he would come back and is still holding on to him.
i wish i could just forget him.
Girl same
I have to keep reminding me that healing is not a linear process but it won’t get any better who doesn’t want to do the bare minimum to communicate just the same way he did from the START .
So many of us relate to this. I’m wishing you love and healing angel ❤.
He was the toxic one. It is hard to not hold on but the only way forward is to throw it away just like he did to you
You will. Give it some time and be gentle with yourself.
If I love someone, I'll try to give my best. I don't invest my feeling and time on someone who won't do same. Period
this. So simple, it would seem...
Best thing I ever did was leave.
"Childhood emotional neglect acts as a catalyst for wounds, impacting adult relationships."
my last words to my avoidant ex was the sentence “ you were responsible of your part of our companionship…I did mine the way I’m , you did yours the way you’re “
I loved that he was healthy enough to accept the consequences of his decisions...i didn’t even cry cause he chose it all..and I respect that he didn’t need all that I was ready to offer..the biggest way to solve all hurt from such relationships is accepting it couldn’t be other than what it was..it will not , was not , is not different
Yeah I can’t do lying. Once someone is caught in a lie my antennas go up.
My ex a beautiful woman detested lying and was on watch for it only she didnt see her lies intentional word manipulation etc.
@@1DEFEND lots of people are hypocrites unfortunately
@@sj3969 Fer sure
These videos have been very helpful to understand why my ex discarded me. It is helping me to understand my current position, and unfortunately understand that I need to move on.
Become secure yourself and find another secure.
I am the Atlas of my world; I support everyone in my world. If I could fit into my world, my responsibilities would crush me; I have to be bigger than that. Consequently, I don't fit into the world I support. I'm 61, the father of five, grandfather of nine and the oldest of thirteen siblings. Our parents are dead. I own the company. I solve the problems. I make it happen. I'm here for all of them. The next time you see a picture or a statue of Atlas, look in his eyes. Atlas is lonely.
I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style because I have to be bigger than that.
You want them to show up.
You say it in the perfectly scripted way as if you were a therapist.
They feel attacked.
They are confused and hurt why their breadcrumbs arent enough.
The only way you get anything is to praise them incessantly.
I had to leave a life long best friend in realizing that what you said is just still me giving my all, for nothing. 🥺💌
@@PhotoMentalPoetI had to do same, saddest thing that ever happened to me, but I had to leave to reclaim sanity and self-love.
Wish we could support each other in an online group
@@caroliendeherder7713 we can, we can organize one
When was the last time you enjoyed being criticized by your partner? Try asking for more of what works. Things like “when you call me during the day, it makes me feel so loved!” And then be patient. It will take a lot of encouragement and reminders for them to change, even a lottle
You can't fix them; they have to do it themselves. It's up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. If your needs aren't being met, let them know, if they don't listen then leave.
Great video, but I gotta be honest. It seems exhausting to have to keep doing all these things. I guess it’s a matter of striking the unique balance of 1) loving someone and not giving up on them/that real love vs 2) knowing when the relationship is no longer serving you bc it’s hurting you to stay and the other person doesn’t want the change or isn’t showing up (fighting) the way you need them to. Hard to see the wins in this, but I know it exists. Maybe it is best to just best to walk away…
You're right.
When you realize the pain caused by staying in a relationship more than the pain of breakup.
Only then we think of moving on and not giving another chance.
Its over for me. Because i cant love him anymore what he did. He has zero ability to understand someone's emotions. Last time when we talk i told him i can't trust him again because he isn't giving me reassurance that he does love me but he wanted to get intimate with me and i wasn't ready for that but he insists for it. That moment i felt like does he only love my body? Did he ever loved me ? I felt traumatised. I would never ever gonna love him back. I hope he just forget me forever.
You should look into healing your own attachment style. ❤
I am a fearful avoidant and I have some of these traits. (#1 and #3.). I've dated mostly DAs bc we seemed to have so much emotionally in common until the attachment phase. Then they need to take a ton of space to regulate, which scares me to death because I was told I was "too much" as a child. This neurosis is also activated with how DAs feel "relational burn out" faster than other attachment types. It tells me I am "too much."
Conversely, when I attach I become afraid and need extra reassurance bc the fear is so great. The DAs run away more and try to tell me I'm unreasonable. That attachment style has broken my trust (kryptonite for an FA), so as soon as I see DA tendencies, I run away. If someone says, "I like a lot of space," "relationships are not a priority for me," "I like spending a lot of time alone," "I need ME time a lot," I don't even try to get to know them anymore it's so traumatic.
It's all a learning process of what is best for you.
You could also study astrology. Then you will be able to read the person within 10 minutes of meeting them and identify their attachment style much quicker.
heres an idea they need to stay out of relationships all together because they are completely toxic
No they aren't. Avoidants can make great partners with people they're compatible and feel safe with.
As an Avoidant, this video is incredibly helpful, I’d really love to know how my ADHD is related to my relationship style, do you have any videos about this?
Many thanks for this video. Last time she said to me that relationships shoul be easy and non-complicated, because of that mindset she always made me feel like its all my fault for every little conflict and made me question my sanity, like am i not normal, should i seek help ... its hard to deal with that one side is always right, best version there could possibly be and there is no need to change anything and other side constantly feeling like there is something wrong with and must change something.
The gaslighting for having healthy conversations is an attempt to control their insecurity of their own emotions. I’m happy you are free from that low-tolerance situation. It isn’t healthy.
This is a good strategy, but it also seems like a lot of work. It reminds me of those role play meetings I had when I worked as a trainer at the gym. Always trying to overcome objections through precise strategies that rarely worked. When I started seeking out people who could afford personal training long-term, my problems went away and was always too busy to attend those role play meetings.
It also reminds me of my AP ex who was an alcoholic and far left feminist. Despite listening to her point of view and giving her the listening ear she needed, she was constantly emotionally triggered to the point where I was tip toeing around her feelings CONSTANTLY. I couldn't even surprise her with concert tickets (her favorite venue) along with reservations to one of the top sushi restaurants in town (her favorite food) without being attacked. Not to mention the next few women I met after our breakup had similar problems with personality and/or alcohol so I ran as fast as humanly possible BEYOND the hills. It was a reminder that you should only choose someone who measures up to your standards, not someone who has the potential to.
Alcoholics are only fit for a relationship about two or years into recovery. Hope you know that one now.
@@Littleowl85352 yep, know that now. The drain was too much for me. Granted, I'm SA with a few DA traits, but MAN. Never again...
I'm glad you started seeking people you were more compatible and level with, because that's seriously lacking in the dating world and would probably solve a majority of these problems. (Not all ofcourse)
@@lawsome2068 #facts
The avoidant I knew was the golden child in his family. There was no wound of abandonment. He had every need met and then some.
What gets me about this is were still the one having to do most of the work, having to change how we operate, on top of trying to heal/work on ourselves. I couldn't do it all and ended up having an emotional breakdown. I just kept trying and giving and was exhausted. His flaw finding felt cruel and abusive. My emotions and sense of self was in tatters! He wouldn't let anything go and was still punishing me for my past two years later, even though he wasn't a part of my past! Soul destroying.
I totally agree, I have found these videos really helpful for my own healing and for understanding the dynamics but I feel like using terms like "flaw finding" or "deactivating" doesnt even come close to describing how abusive and heartbreaking it is to be in a relationship with someone who, one minute loves you and the next minute treats you with disgust for having an emotion or wanting connection. It is honestly beyond twisted and sick, with my ex he could be so caring one minute and the next laughing in my face while Im crying because he told again that he doesnt want to be with me, right after weve been closer and more intimate than ever before. Constant punishment and being gaslit out of your feelings.
@@e.morrissey5129 well now we have to focus on ourselves, I for one am making myself my new priority. I wish you peace and happiness 😊
It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. Either accept it or leave. There’s no in between unfortunately. You won’t get any warmth from a broken boiler!!!!!❤
It is hard, I tried to be positive, but watching this make me feel like you need to be professional to handle them, any minute in life you do not know if you will trigger them.
I don't comment often but damn you really hit the nail on the head for me and my relationship of nearly 6 years that just ended 2 months ago. I have zero faith in relationships succeeding at all and truly believe it is just a matter of time until two individuals fail each other. Many couples look great from the outside but literally no one else knows how it really is except the two together. I constantly focused on flaws, always felt that gifts i received weren't necessary, shut myself down and called it my way of processing thoughts/dealing with anger leaving her feeling neglected/fearful/unloved and wondered if something else better was out there. Add to that I have zero confidence I CAN change for the better and am honestly happier/stress free being single, I think things will be like this forever.
Mind blown. If someone wants to change and understands themselves it may be an uphill battle but can always become easier with someone that supports the journey of working together.
Stop trying to force things to work with people who are not relationship/marriage material. Too many people out here! Move forward yall! Dont become the therapist in the relationship
Thank you so much for this information! My partner and I have been together for 8 years, we have kids together, and we are going through a very difficult time and I've been concerned about him leaving the relationship even though I want to fight for it still. I have a more anxious attachment style so I don't readily understand how my partner operates, even though I love him deeply. I've been binge watching your dismissive avoidant videos and it is making a WORLD of difference!!! My eyes are being opened to so many things. I feel more hope, understanding, I'm not personalizing stuff so much, and have more ideas of what to actually do. Thank you so, so, so much for this free content! 💓 You are changing lives!
Also try healing your anxious attachment. Focus on yourself too.
Thank you very much, that was helpful!
Thank you Thais, for all your videos. They are very helpful.
This is a phenomenal video!!!! So many nuggets covered in such a short space of time everything you say Thaïs is invaluable. I wish I had learnt this a year ago /decades ago, but at least I’m learning it now. Thank you from my heart!
This entire video 👏👏👏👏 thank you Thais
#2 the expecting relationships to be “Easy” can also be due to having been “Spoiled” aka stifled and even suffocated by an over bearing parent and also furthered by so much media “perfection” being displayed instead of people being more real on even these videos…plastic faces not a practicing what one preaches when one is teaching self acceptance etc. “one sided relationships”…good good point…..giving what they don’t need…GREAT POINT.
You do such a great job with these videos!
Needed this. Thank you
Wow your great, thanks!!!
Thanks for posting this. Your perspectives seem spot on...lots to ponder here.
You did a decent job explaining this. Thanks.
I married one & wasted 15 years. RUN! Save yourself a lot of pain & lonliness.
Last week my relationship with an avoidant ended. I'm still hoping it's going to be OK but I'm now really starting to think there is just no way this could ever work.
Lesson I learned, run from them and don't look back. Heal the damage occured from the DA and keep it mo❤
I dont want a relationship, but the da is my best friend. I've learned that yes, they won't show what you need, but what I've learned is they'll show you those things, make your intentions as clear as day things will be tough but they will open up
I found out much later in life that I had an avoidant attachment style. I have to say that avoidants aren't bad people. They probably lack awareness of the problem and there's a LOT of pain underneath all of those avoidant behaviors. Having said that, I can say I gave my marriage my ALL. I saw several therapists. Can I say that therapists aren't perfect? Oh my heck, I actually had one who fell asleep in our appointments on a regular basis. She was going to school to get her PhD at the time. Okay? Most everything I've learned about attachment styles, co-dependency, toxic shame, communication styles, real self vs false self and a whole slew of other things pertaining to mental health and healthy relationships--came from books! Books and NOW TH-cam videos. Thank goodness there are people out there who share their expertise! If not, I'd still be sitting in a therapist's office wondering what was wrong with me and they would sit across from me and ask about my week and give me an article to read for the next appointment. Sheesh! Some people shouldn't be doing therapy.
A delightfu. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life as anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
Have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about two years ago, but I could not let her go, so I had to do all I could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back, now we are back together, and I must say I am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach her?
Her name is '' Maurice Gleti, '' and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
valuable information, I just looked her up online. impressive Thank you for this.
This is fascinating. I didn't know what a DA was until I started studying this after getting dumped by one out of the blue two months ago. It was a great long distance relationship with an eye toward me moving to her city later on. Out of nowhere she left because she was predicting my future emotions thinking I would resent a LTR with her because I wasn't single very long when we met and it was all becoming 'forced.' Flaw-finding! And it sounds like her mother was cold an unloving with her as a kid. I was completely floored when she ended it in a very abrupt, aloof manner but it's making sense to me now. All this happened after the attachment phase.
Absolutely incredible, beautiful, powerful woman..💐💐💐
This is so accurate.
Girl, didn’t you just describe had me in tears about an ex of mine who wanted to come back after 15 years. The person that I did not trust 15 years ago is the same person but worse to me and the whole month of April 2024 I went through it emotionally Because he wouldn’t show up like you said they trust what you tell them and that’s what happened to me but what he would tell me he would not show action like he did 15 years ago and I got hurt again 15 years ago I got hurt 15 years later I got hurt This is why when he makes sexual advances towards me I don’t do it. It’s no reason. It’s no reason to listen to what he says. That’s what hurts me because he doesn’t fulfill anything that he says. But I’ve been taking care of myself fulfilling and ghosted me Was the best thing ever because now I know what I’m dealing with. Thank you for your video. I appreciate it. Self-care is my best thing to do continuously. This is better for me so I cannot get burned again. But I’ll say this I do have friends that for Phil what they say they’re gonna do and I trust them and they do it. And I’m the same way. And like you said if they consider you, I love everything you said because it’s fax. It’s just fax on top of fax. Thank you so much hugs the Internet.❤❤❤
They dont fight for the relationship because they'd rather move on to another relationship where they havent cause so much havoc.
Why would i fight for a woman who has no intention of fighting for me. Just chasing other men with her eyes! Why would i fight her insecurities, pathologies and emotional immaturity for the relationship. All this “you need to fight for me” nonsense. “You need to fight for the relationship”. The perennial “give me a baby” ultimatums in under one years worth of unstable dating from 35-50 year old childless women. Usually undertaken before a special occasion usually my Birthday as an additional layer of blackmail. What do you think would happen if i yielded to such childish demands?…..My guess is parental alienation and obligatory child support! Why would i commit to a woman who i feel hasn’t committed to me? None of it makes sense in black and white only in the milky fog of emotional reasoning!
Just leave them alone
This was an excellent video, it is very informative, clear and concise. I will be coming back for more as my wife is a DA😫
What to do? WALK AWAY.
It's a question of what you want to have in your life. By choosing a specific person, we automatically choose the problems we're going to have, probably for the rest of our lives. Nobody is perfect so I'd choose problems I'm willing to deal with and the ones that don't drain me emotionally.
Hi Thais! Could you please do a video on when an avoidant really tries in a relationship - like these are indicators that they're trying to break out of their comfort zone and open up?
Hey there, I was scrolling through my feed just now and saw a video from Thais titled 6 Clear Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Likes You. I liked your comment hours earlier so it reminded me of it.
I know it’s not what you’re truly asking for, but if you haven’t seen it yet perhaps it’ll be helpful and hit on some effort indicators!
@@JJ-hi1fw Thank you very much for the suggestion! I searched for this and it brought out a few other really good videos on the topic as well. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond 😊
Better to be alone than in bad company.
I’d rather move on and toward the possibility of finding something healthy.
Gaaaahhhhh this was SO HELPFUL. Where's the link for coaching?!?!?!
Thank you for this Thais! I'm an AP leaning towards secure and my partner is a DA. This will definitely come in handy.
My avoidant broke up with me because I didn't give him enough space. After about a year and a half, we finally got back together as "exclusive" but not "defined". We've been dating for almost a year, and then I found out he's been cheating on me behind my back for months. Full blown physical affair. All the times that I gave him "space", he used that space to bang another chick.
DA's are basically that way because they are cheating Narcissists who have no want to actually attach to another person. You were used unfortunately.
@@Cyzure that's actually not true at all. I've never dated a cheating narcissist DA. Her situation sounds more like a player with avoidant traits.
My partner always ran away. And did the silent treatment and one-two days minimum and all of that just annoyed me because he would come back hating me because those 2 days without communication were draining from him. When we could’ve just talked it out and moved on.
Example (1) he lost a key. Blamed it on me. (Key wasn’t mine, it was his friend). I called AAA and tried to find a solution. But he continued to blame me.
(2) he got a kitten 🐈⬛ the kitten was shy and scared. He kept saying how ungrateful the cat was and how he didn’t want her because she behaved weird. (What I did was) found her a home, of a lady who loves cats but in the end he didn’t wanna give her away. Lady got sad, I was so annoyed and this guy just kept complaining.
So long story short months later, (after a long day of work)
He comes over… still complaining about the kitten and I was like dude, I tried to help, why are we still having this conversation? He left and then said “we don’t have a future” because we don’t have patience for each other.
This guy told me he wanted to marry me and move in with me earlier those months and literally within the same week.
He said “I don’t see a future with us to be honest” and I said okay …
He’s like but don’t leave me. And I was like wtf?
I asked him to please get his stuff from my place and we ended it.
Good for you. I would have left over the cat comment honestly.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes We got into afterwards because he just left without saying anything. I had cooked for him and served him. I told him it was rude af for him to just leave… i didn’t get it. But I think he was just waiting for us to have any difference of opinion to break things off. I’m not from Turkey 🇹🇷 and I think he didn’t like that I spoke my mind.
My ex has several dismissive avoidant tendencies and I was willing to fight for the relationship while she wasn't. She didn't even know what attachment styles were. The last time we spoke I cried on the phone and pleaded with her to not give up on me to just believe in me a little bit and all she could muster was saying "I think we made the right decision this time. " as we had broken up once over a year ago before getting back together a couple months later. But she said "we" as if it was a mutual decision or like I had any say in the breakup.
Sounds like my ex, he broke up with me twice, both times after about 2 years together... There was a 6-month break in between. This last breakup had eerily similar circumstances to the first... And he said he thinks it's just best for us to move on and to learn from this. He said one day I'll look back and be happy about this decision. I told him I was willing to do my part to work through things, because he and our relationship are important to me and worth fighting for... but I also said if his choice is to move on, then I guess I'll have to respect that and move on....
I told him I felt that everything we were struggling with was workable and fixable. I guess he didn't agree. 😔💔 That was about 2 months ago.
She's toying with you and guaranteed she slept with someone else when you were broken up. It's all a game, it's all a lie 😂
Sadly I’ve been married to someone like this for 24 years. Very recently I pushed for couple’s counseling and I hope that he can finally get help. He’s got the personality of a psychopath without the need to harm others or animals. Needless to say, it’s been a lonely marriage but he goes through the motions of what one does without the ability to authentically deliver or show love.
That is so much how I am...
My mother was in some way a toxic mother raising me and my younger sister, one against the other like cat and dog 🤷♂️
i'm sorry for your experience 💜 best wishes finding more peace & healing!
Sounds like you were raised by a Covert narcissist. I was raised in that environment too.
@@hurricaneaquatics
I realize that my mother had a borderline personality.
So for her to team up with my sister against me, was as she was a child too, and back as little girl as well 🤷♂️
It was her inappropriated way of dealing with us.
I have two younger brothers and they didn't have it like me.
My grand-dad was very strick born Catholic. And he was using religion like they were used to in the old times to raise children 🤷♂️
@@deniszen1sounds more like sociopathy, not borderline… women don’t often get the BPD dx when they are actually sociopaths.
@@deniszen1 BPD, Narcissist, etc are all Cluster B personality disorders and BPD and NPD go hand in hand and it's hard to tell one from the other. So yeah, I get exactly what you're saying.
How do you know if the person is an avoidant or someone who’s just not that into you?
I have asked this question in these types of videos for a while now. I never get an answer back on it. I feel that it’s not just an avoidance, but possibly people that aren’t just that to you.
I’m an avoidant and I have to ask why does it matter? I think if your needs aren’t being met that’s all that matters. You can mention it to the person and if they don’t seem receptive to fixing it, and that means actions not words (the other attachment styles seems to subside on a diet of words lol). They must put in the actual effort, they must make your well being their business. If you don’t see that, again it doesn’t matter what their label is, they are not for you.
@@sj3969 when describing someone who is just not that into you as an “avoidant” is to suggest that they can’t help it. An avoidant wants to (according to this) be in a healthy relationship but deep wounds keep them from giving themselves fully. Someone that’s just not into you, is just that-they’re just not into you. I feel that it does matter. It’s two different things. If I’m in love with a person that I’ve been trying with and I’m told they’re an avoidant, I would sympathize and try to make it work as far as I can. If they’re just not that into me, I would jump off fast. Again, there is a major difference, in my opinion
@@chrissy_rose8052 to me avoidants make it pretty obvious when they are interested opposed to when they aren't. Same with when they are pulling away opposed to them not being interested. The way I look at it is either way, they want out of the situation at that moment and need space to figure it out. The only way to really know is by asking them.
It’s all the same thing
I just dated someone who was like this. She also declared herself to be asexual. When I
tried to clarify to understand, she broke things off with me suddenly and quickly.
Yeah, I dated this girl I truly was starting to love. Out of the blue I get a text. We don't have sexual chemistry let's be friends. Then one day later she starts acting jealous and asking me if I'll date other women. I told her I probably would be in the future. She stays up all night texting me while I was asleep.
In the morning I apologize that she was kept awake all night and invite her to talk about it. She lashes out and that's the last time I've ever heard from her...
Avoidants are really something huh
Yes, they are 1 hellovah piece of work. Honestly, the more I learned about this women, the more confused I felt.
I simply got tired of it. I realized early on thar SHE, Not Me, was confused and her declarations were frequently in direct conflict with what she was signaling to me.
If she didn't want an intimate relationship, why did she call me in the early morning from an airport? She was deeply conflicted. She can not handle even mild conflict. So, I was done with her. She absolutely does not deserve me. She wrecked everything.
She is obviously deeply afraid or frightened of intimacy. She was seriously abused as a young kid. So, all the pieces kind of fit now...at least for as much as I needed to know in order to make a sound decision about ending it with her.
She's damaged beyond repair.
It is what it is.
@@davidstein9129 It really mirrors what I went through. It was just confusing and really took a toll on me. Maybe a bit selfish but knowing that others went through similar situations helps me atleast. Because I really did think I was the crazy one. But I've come to realize that realistically although I made some mistakes this is not all my fault. And next time if I am dating a girl if she is avoidant I'm just out of there. I know some want to work on their attachment style and that's really great but it just costs the partner so much.
@@bigbadlara5304 Thanks for relying.
You said it perfectly.
Yes, I went through all this crap too.
Yes, the sooner you can realize that your partner is crazy, the sooner you can get out of the relationship and stop blaming yourself.
I felt like something was way off very early on with this person. I listened very carefully & things very quickly were not adding up.
In retrospect, she was at best sexually confused and at war with herself and at worst was a text book Narcissist who was more than happy to blame me for the personal hell she was living in and drag me inside if it.
No Thanks! It felt so good to tell her off at the end and walk the hell right out of her life because she messed up and lost me as a good friend in the process. I feel bad because she's essentially a victim of her own worst
impulses. She's essentially on a tape loop trying to protect herself from the childhood traumas she had suffered nearly 40 years ago.
One can only change if they admit/realize that they have issues. Until then its useless. Denial, and blaming everyone else for your relationship issues will never result in improvements.
So I'm a DA and I'm dating a DA and this honestly made me realize that for this particular relationship it's better we go our separate ways. However I do aim to use the time I'll have, to work on becoming less avoidant and more secure.
Just stay single. You guys always run anyway 🤷🏻♀️
Good for you, recognizing and committing to the work to become secure 👏🏽🙂 That is literally the best you can do. Wishing you well!
@@dominiquestaton5239 Thank you so much!
I'm not sure why I'm trying to label myself. I'm not avoidant.
Am anxious avoidant I believe and my partner is dismissive avoidant.
It’s just a hot mess. I cannot even begin. I cannot find anyone in our network for counseling not that I know if he’d even go. I have the curse benefit I’m still not sure of also being “an empath” which I never heard this term til 20ish years ago…and that analytical rude bisch inside my brain rolls her eyes every time I say that. But it was like reading an autobiography written by someone I never met. I was floored. And cried for days. For lotsa reasons. I’ve tried so much for so long I just can’t anymore. But til I get to point where I can handle living in my car I’m stuck. Never settle. Listen to ur gut. It’s rarely wrong. 🕊️
Unfortunately is a worthless strategy. Even if you succed. you do this at your own emotional expenses with the final result to be happy like a child for some breadcrumbs and the rest of the time being totally frustrated. Beside, she (he) will treat you very badly when you are nice because, just after, she will feel too much emotions and she will reject you. My experience: 7 years with a FA and one year with a DA.
Strange enough, the DA in one year made more damage than the FA ( a declared Borderline) in 7 years.
And the borderline was sooooo much loving me when she was loving me ( the rest of the time hating me) while the DA NEVER LOVED ME REALLY.
Worst people on earth.
DA's are the Devil
Again I will always say until they see that they are the elephant in the room you will be left with a broken heart. I was with one for 2 years gave him space love it was one sided i felt at one time the love was there and then the cycle started. we broke up for over a year now.And he always would break no contact. He ask me 2 weeks ago was i ready to marry him well he took off again im tired of this will never want to date another one not worth it. I finally got my health and my peace back.
mine would leave when things were great
This one explains a lot about me.
If I with someone that wants me to fight then maybe I need to find someone else. Why would someone want someone to feel that way. That’s drama
He didn't fight for our relationship that he sabotaged. But, he did fight me to keep the relationship and attachment he had with a female "friend", that he lied about sleeping with. She's a meth addict with mental health and emotional issues. I'm over it and done.
what does "Fight for" a relationship mean?
Working through problems rather than just giving up and leave which is something fearful avoidants usually do
I am thinking she means we each, individually, "fight" the wounds that tend to cause us to give in to subconscious fears that may be driving us to sabotage the relationship.
It means when women create something to fight about, we as men are supposed to engage to show that we are invested in the relationship. Men value peace in our home above pretty much everything else. If he doesn’t “fight” for the relationship, he’s trying to tell you to take your nonsense somewhere else. He’s fought enough battles for the day; he doesn’t want to come home to something that is manufactured bc you can’t quiet your mind.
@@samuelpayne5460 oh, I'm marrying a woman so thankfully I will never have to deal with that
Fighting for a relationship sounds really negative to me. It suggests that we've neglected our relationship to the extent that the only option left is to work hard to restore its positivity. Additionally, fighting for a relationship implies that trust has been lost, and rebuilding trust is one of the most painful tasks in a relationship.
I'm in a 'situationship' with an admitted DA and the few seconds after 9:24 hit me really hard - I'm a really giving, generous person who wants to help. Maybe I need to reflect on this....
You should heal your attachment style. Also, if you want more out of the relationship, I would bring that up now. A lot of times people enter into situationships hoping it will turn to more then get hurt when it doesn't.
Well just going by the word avoidant. I’m sure I can assume why they wouldn’t fight for a relationship. It’s cool though cause neither should the other person. If it’s not worth fighting for , then get your ass down the road
"what you can do to help change this"...oh no thank you ma'am, i am not here to change anybody, i just want them to contact me one more time so i can disengage with clarity & peace, mostly so i don't feel like i'm doing to them what they kept doing to me over&over&over&over&OVER
I just sent that message. She just cut me out as in literally out of the blue when we were dating.
I asked one time what was up.
Then one week after I sent her an invitation to talk about it. And made it clear that this would be my final message. And that the ball is in her court now.
It really helped me move past. At the same time somehow it hurt her. Because I wasn't blocked before but after I sent this final message she acted like she didn't read it and immediatly blocked me...
Interesting..i would consider myself an avoidant from your definition.. but the thing is i never felt deprived as a child for attention. My parents divorced when i was in the 2nd grade but my brother was 18months older than me & my father got us every weekend & mom was great.. i had plenty friends & really was always a busy outdoors kid.. im curious where that personality type came from with me.
I had to dig deep to think about this for myself too. Maybe adult you thinks you were okay as a child, but back then the initial divorce affected you. Also, you can turn avoidant from other areas in life romantic partnerships. My first couple of serious relationships were with anxious men and my goodness it turned me off. My avoidant side came right out and I've only dated SA/DA men since.
Hello Thais! Can’t seem to find the co-regulation course in the description.
Cool I don’t start any relationship anymore . Never mind 😊
These comments are for people who can have relationships