NO MATTER WHAT you offer an avoidant you are guaranteed to receive severe neglect in return. I had to learn to accept that some people do not want to give or receive love. They're broken. Don't break your own heart trying to fix them. They don't want the support you have.
Great video. Let me save you all some trouble, just pass. If someone has one foot out of the door, can't communicate, silent treatment, can't show love and is standoffish, cold, doesn't care about your feelings, and the list goes on. Trust me, it only gets worse and you're wasting your time. Find someone that wants to be with you and can reciprocate love and affection.
I agree you just can’t fight for someone who doesn’t believe in what you’re fighting for. You’ll just resent yourself for giving them chances because you want a particular outcome that never materialises. it’s draining. Even if you think you’re being understanding you’re actually compromising your own integrity. You end up becoming frustrated with the way they behave - feeling like they are doing it to intentionally make you uncomfortable. The worst thing for me was the smug look - or at least what I interpreted as a smug look. As if putting my genuine empathy out there and my heart on the line was entertaining or some kind of game. I spent two years trying to understand this type of person and I’m just as dumbfounded now as I was when they suddenly switched from their “best self” to the empty person they were deep down. It’s awkward and pointless to stand for these types of people.
I found it was best to heal my own attachment style. Once I did that, I was able to look back and not personalize anything my ex DA did and I was also able to see the areas where I contributed to fall of the relationship. You know the saying..."It takes two..."
@@LeeChrissy Yes, definitely sometimes. However, if you're behind the eight ball from the start with the DA, there is no making them happy. You are absolutely correct that you need to focus on yourself and improve yourself. That's all we can do in this life and we can find those who want the same thing we do and have a loving, trusting relationship.
Try 53 years on and off with this type... Very dissapointing, indeed. I watch these vids with empathy and concern having been through all you describe. Stand off, run if needed- You're on the correct path.@@Amelia_McDermott
I already know my ex is an avoidant and a narc but I want to fix it.desperately .now I will heal confront him and one last time and possibly report him.
I see a lot of pain in the comment section, and I understand completely. My Wife of 12 years is avoidant. They do love and do care. Don't allow the pain to lie to you. They are terrified of opening up. I'll continue to be loving, compassionate, caring, and giving to my Wife.
I was trying to find a comment like yours, but from a woman about her partner, to give me some hope with the avoidant man, whose only fault is that he is avoidant and he struggles alone through the unhappiness it brings. I wonder if women and men are avoidant in a different way. All the best luck to you.
Speaking as somone who has been married to an avoidant for 24 very LLLOOONNNGGG years...good luck with that. You get EXHAUSTED from being the only one who cares and gives effort in the realtionship.
They know they lack the requirements for a healthy one. They know they r too damaged and must not attempt to entertain higher caliber women bc we won’t stay.
@@flagirl0315 because they know deep down it won't work out and there is no chance for a real intimate relationship with that person, so deep down it allows them remain alone...
@@Lolipop8686 exactly! It’s totally a subconscious thing. I’ve met a lot of people who do that. And in their mind have a fantasy about it. But you know if that person reciprocated feelings they would run for the hills
You know there is some truth to this. I adore my ex DA, but I also know his past dating history as we were friends years before we dated. He remained in relationships where he was cheated on with one and fought constantly with another. With me it was smooth sailing for the most past. In 3 years I believe we had 3 conflicts that were solvable, but because we were both unhealed, neither of us could communicate our way out of it so we would both go quiet. Now that I am secure, we're on two different emotional levels and I had to turn him away when he came back.
I was the really generous partner pouring into an avoidant. It's like pouring water thru a colander. Nothing sticks, and then you're the one left feeling empty. The love, affection, kindness, and care that I gave that man......what a waste.
Sorry to hear that - same here. I gave my all but when I needed him most he abandoned me without a word, the day after my Dad died - just disappeared out of my life. 5 years wasted.
You shouldn't do that though. You have to have your own cup filled before you pour into others. I used to be like that, but will never be that person again. If we are the ones pouring, we only have ourselves to blame...no one else. People pleasing in part of an unhealed attachment. I was a FA but went through PDS to heal it.
Giving with the intention of receiving is not giving. You feel drained because you rely on positive feedback for validation. That validation needs to come from within first, before you can give without being drained.
@@Littleowl85352 While that is the true premise of unconditional love, I feel it's not really sustainable in a relationship where it take two to tango.
Can I just say. What hacks me off about avoidents is when they honestly believe the communication issues stem from you, be it that you are secure or anxious, they can't see how they overwhelmingly contribute to the communication breakdown
Okay but both can be true. Anxious people sometimes think they are communicating in a healthy way when they're not which results in an avoidant going quiet. The same for secure people. Depending on the person, anyone can come off a certain way that the other person doesn't like. I date a SA once and he was great, but every now and then he would say something that was so blunt it was rude. To him it sounded fine. Perspective is everything.
@gregvanpaassen the only thing you can do is learn how to communicate with an avoidant person. Having the tools and equipment necessary helps, but the ownership is on the avoident individual to work on how they show up as well. If they won't, then a deadline has to be set to walk away. It can't be one-sided. I am secure, but I also have done the work to learn how to communicate with people who have different styles. Even though I can navigate, It's still one of the most frustrating things to go through.
In my experience, you often don't know the other person is avoidant until they run away. No conflicts or difficulties. By this time the avoidant has no desire to 'work' on anything; they want to relieve their fear and revulsion by getting away from you. I have learned the hard way to let them run.
Mine just wouldn’t work on themselves during the relationship they go to the gym and know how to take care of themselves body wise but they only befriend anyone who supports their ideologies and current needs when it comes to give and take in a relationship they won’t do anything unless there is something in it for them mine went on for 3 and half years and they just wouldn’t grow or level up in life it was easy when the starting phase was there we loved each other spent plenty time together plus there was lockdowns so it was easier but as the relationship unfolded it was always me doing the running and growing they had no ambition in life I got sick and tired of them not pulling their weight when I had got through my driving paid for holidays for us paid off their birth certificates and passport but when it came to looking for a place together they only looked at the displayed price or how much rent a month it would be and not take into account all the other things that it takes to run a place they couldn’t accept the fact that they needed to grow with me in order to afford it coz over here in the uk everything is set for two full time working adults and even then you still struggle however most jobs over here are part time so your always in debt 💸 things ended with me and my ex when they kept bringing their problems to me while I was at work and I couldn’t help them because customers needed help and my ex just wanted me to drop everything while at work and see to their problems with me they were having a full blown mental breakdown in front of everyone and I couldn’t do anything because of being at work I felt so helpless we texted for two more days then Easter Monday rolled around said they were going out for the day when they always said to me for the entire relationship that their social anxiety stopped them from going out so I wished them a good day the very next day they ended the relationship with me and have been doing a smear campaign against me both in work and on social media since and everybody seems to be buying it I can’t believe how gullible people are it’s rediculous after everything I done for them during our relationship even going against my own family they just want a sugar mammy or daddy that they can control they keep lying and twisting facts to people playing the victim I just am so fed up makes me just want to remain single the rest of my life
Ladies - take it from someone who found this out the hard way - just dump him and move on. If you’re doing all the giving and he’s just taking, has one foot in and one foot out, isn’t there when you need him and isn’t talking commitment within a year - RUN, otherwise he will. I wasted 5 yrs on such a man and the lack of closure started me on an early menopause, I lost half my hair and plunged into depression - while he just got on with his life as if I’d never been part of it. Don’t let this happen to you because it’s like a slow sui*ide. No matter how handsome, charming, career-smart and sexy he is, he will one day destroy your life, trust me. LET HIM GO before he does.
Have you looked into your own attachment style to heal yourself? It definitely helps when choosing future partners and you will tolerate a lot less and leave sooner. Personally DA's and I work well together, but not when I don't have boundaries and non-negotiables in place.
Omg - almost the same thing happened to full…even the early menopause and depression etc… The most toxic and harmful relationship to your own mental health is to be with a dismissive avoidant!
One year is not enough to know someone before marrying them. The reason divorce rates are so high is because people marry too soon and don't understand how much people can hide for several years and can change over time. It takes more like 3-4 years for mentally healthy people to vet someone and see if they're really serious commitment material
I've done a lot of healing with this channel. Love coming back every so often for little reminders. Look after yourself, and move on if you have to. Peace and no longer ruminating is the victory!
I'm not sure why anyone would choose this path instead of just leaving for a new partner. I left my avoidant and found the sweetest, most loving, open partner in the world. It's just easy and comfortable, in a way that dating the avoidant never was. In most cases, moving on is probably for the best.
I'm my case I'm fighting for it because we have 3 children together and I believe we owe it to them, and also because I love him deeply. The "just leave" comments can be frustrating. Sometimes relationships, even with avoidants, are worth fighting and working our butts off for, especially when children are involved.
@@hclements3884 Yeah YOU are here fighting, not them. You'll spend a lifetime feeling alone and lonely, or you will eventually leave, with way more trauma than you came into the relationship with. You and your kids could find someone worthwhile to love on you, spoil you and show up for you. I never said leaving is easy. But staying is harder.
@@hclements3884 you probably get frustrated with the comments that say "just leave" because subconsciously you know that's exactly what you should be doing. I love DA's and all, but I don't love staying in something where my needs aren't getting met. Love has nothing to do with a strong, thriving relationship. I'm single with kids because I wouldn't settle. They are much better off seeing me happy alone than unhappy and in a relationship.
How did you find a new and better partner? I just don't think I will be attracted to anyone else and I will end up having to be with a wonderful man that I am not genuinely attracted to and then we will never have sex.
@@momanddaughtervids4257Honestly, I forced myself. I was so trauma bonded and in love with my ex that I never thought I'd be able to fall in love with someone else. But I forced myself to start dating and really start spending time with other guys. And my boyfriend is so sweet. He makes me breakfast every morning. He kisses me for no reason. He cares about my opinions. Replies to my texts. Loves on me and spoils with me. Asks for my opinion. Wants to marry me and is CLEAR about it. Once you get treated like that, you just aren't willing to go back. My ex tried to circle back and it was honestly disgusting to me. He couldn't offer half of what I have now. I found that mindset and that mantra to be very useful during my journey.
Bottom line: If they won’t go to therapy with you or alone, let them go! I’m working on my avoidant traits. I fully accept that I am my own worst enemy in relationships and I don’t want to hurt other people or myself anymore. I don’t want to be in a cycle of new relationships and I don’t want to die alone. My hyper independence comes from years of childhood abuse and I will be damned if I let my childhood trauma continue to wreak havoc on my life
Yes! I’m in the same space realizing how many DA traits, programs, patterns that I have let run in the background for my entire life due to childhood neglect. Not going to sit back anymore. It’s v painful to learn how I’ve left a wake of hurt in my path but determined to do the work and live fully with love and vulnerability.
what you're proposing are great steps but only IF... relationship hasn't been falling apart for a long time already and your partner has some level of self-awareness and wants to do the work. otherwise you become a therapist of your partner who hates being criticized, held accountable, or even when you point out that your needs are not met, I've been through this cycle with a patience and kind language of an angel and still I was called abusive for even suggesting that we both have to work on fixing communication, and not just one person. Needless to say I left and it's been a painful recovery but deep down in my soul I knew I had to leave. I started really hating myself for staying or even considering friendship with someone who completely didn't care about me anymore.
An avoidant doesn't want to save a relationship because they secretly resent you. And the steps you should take are go be single and figure out why you would ever settle for a relationship that you know isn't right for you and learn how to pick people that are good for you.
@@ferielsayedi2302 maybe the kind of love, or the way you show love isn’t what they want or need. I’m DA, but I remember meeting a man who was polygamous. I couldn’t understand it, being an introvert and a DA how the hell am I supposed/want to be with more than one person? One person tires me enough. He didn’t understand how one or no person was enough for me. Differences, but it doesn’t mean we can’t find people who appreciate us. I stopped looking romantically, but I think my friends appreciate me
@sj3969 why were you even with him then? So you dated someone that you knew wasn't right and then got upset because how are you supposed to be with someone like that. Thats the whole point. You picked someone you knew was not a good match and then resented them for it. Cmon man
Just pass. I did this with a man who just couldn’t communicate at all. I tried nd tried for a long time and then one day I woke up and realized how gross that behavior was. I am worth more than that and everybody is worth more than that. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.
My story: in 10yrs span she came in to my life couple of times and always ran away. But this time it was serious. I didnt want to give her chance but she was insistent, love-bombing was top notch. No other girls chases you like that. It was surreal and seem a little off... and so it was. Step by step my defences came down and we started dating. Its was the best feeling ever, she said: i was her one and only, the ONE, nobody treated her like i did (and i was a romantic). She said she never leave me, never abandom me, that i was her future husband a gift from God. (We are christians) She started talking about marriange and engagement, planning our wedding. It wast subtle it was straightforward. For me this kind of speed was kind of weird, but i talked to her, her closest friend (she has one), her mom. Everybody was telling - go for it, its all right, you are ment for each other, your love story is so romantic. And so i did, and she said yes. But then a week after we had our first "problem". She didnt want to solve it and talk like adults, its ether we do what she wants or im the bad one. And if i insisted to talk about my side and my feelings, she shutted down. Another week pased, its was amazing weekend, she kissed me, told me she loved me etc. But then we had another problem, another misunderstanding wich is typical for couples. She didnt want to listen to me, was very critical to the smallest stupidest details, but she herself responded very badly if i said something to her. And she left me. She cried all night, became a victim, her dreams or now i understand "illusions" of perfect partner was shattered, her fears triggered and she left me and ghosted me. For those of you, who dates an avoidant and have feeling for them i say - dont invest all your hearth, its may be dificult, but do it, i would hurt less, trust me. And im not the only one.
Bro mine refused to talk it through and we only had 1 rough moment. Her solution was to end it, I was more than willing to talk it over to find some middle ground or something.
Yes how would we feel being married to someone like this silent treatment ghosting in your home sometimes don't even want to sleep with you.Ive seen it a lot of times rejection is God's or the universe protection or redirection you dodged a bullet and so did I.
@@sheliasmith2884 thank you, it means a lot to me. 🙏 And funny enough, you were right about silent treatment and no sleeping together. We planned to live together after marriage next month, but during our conversations or suring those two fights, she said that those things would be natural to her.
Thank you for your words. I’ve been involved with a lady who I gave my whole heart and soul to. I am starting to understand how she functions. She is a psychotherapist and uses her trauma as an excuse for her behaviour. She was married for twenty years to a narcissist who emotionally abused her yet she cheated on him numerous times. In the four years she was with me, three times she broke it off like a light switch. We are like best friends and everything is going great and then within a literal one hour span something gets triggered and she breaks it off and ghosts me. And usually lame excuses. The last one was five weeks ago. She is also trauma bonded to her ex. They speak all the time yet she says she can’t stand him. I told her until she can completely break free of him she will never find anyone because no one can compete with him. He even told her why would you break up with him. He grounds you and is good for you. Her sons even told her the same thing. I am now running as fast as I can from her. It does hurt though I cannot lie
@David_Me825 Your situation sounds more serious than just avoidant attachment style, not that that's not bad enough! But she may also have something like Borderline Personality Disorder, which causes them to have very unstable relationships. They will choose a favorite person, whom they will build up and put on a pedestal, but their perception of themselves is so unstable that they are incapable of building a stable relationship with anyone else. It's a lot more complex than that, but that's a piece of it. Narcissists also do the love bombing like she did. It's a manipulative tactic. Hope you stay far away from that situation so you can keep your sanity!
Wow. You have to really love a person to go through all of this. It’s too much and exhausting. I’ll just take the L (loss). You doing all the work to be in a relationship and they sit and wait for you. You’ll always be the one doing and initiating.
A very simple thing I have discovered is the only thing that works with my Dismissive avoidant man is to just let him know I love him and am here for him, see him through these wounds and then I just let him go to figure things out. I have enough confidence in him as an intelligent person that he will figure out his own patterns and heal himself, but it only can happen in the absence of me. I just let him know at a distance, “hey, I am still here” but I am also moving forwards with my life too.
How is that a good relationship? I'm very serious. All I've ever had was abuse. I've done a lot of work on healing to get myself back. I'm now engaged. But I am recognizing the dismissive avoidant that he actually is. There can be no real talk. If it isn't superficial, he's irritated. It's emotional neglect & after all the abuse, I'm not up for it. Why would this be worth the time & trouble? You obviously feel yours IS worth the trouble. Are you seeing something you can describe? How you're able to feel respected, cherished, able to have great communication, have fun together... ?
I feel bad for anyone still trying to work things out with a da. At some point they will discard you. Even after years of marriage. With an amazing secure man now who is light years better. I’m embarrassed at who I was when with a da and that I was even with them 😂
They claim they dont want to fight, but yet, fing everything as an attack. They live in defense mode instead of opening their hearts. They are not healthy in any way. Life is difficult for everyone, everyone has been through shit. Continuing to use your trauma as a scape goat, is only keeping you stuck and struggling if you are an avoidant. I recommend avoiding the avoidant.
You're triggered. It's okay. No one asked you to date an avoidant. And the same trauma we have is the same trauma that has you desperately clinging to people. Opposite sides of the same coin.
@@ketosisweightloss9480. The problem is that true love and a healthy interdependent relationship is viewed as “desperately clinging to people” by the avoidant. A healthy loving marriage that lasts a lifetime is NOT a weakness.
@@richardgene4231 that's a lie. I'm a DA and I have no issues in my relationships with secure and other DA. But put me in a relationship with an anxious person and I lose my mind. I've been there and never again, i'ld rather chew rocks. Anxious people have no idea what interdependency looks like. I refuse to be anyone's therapist and listen to all their trauma, be their only source of entertainment, their source of self esteem, worth and validation. I just can't. It's emotionally draining.
my last words to my avoidant ex was the sentence “ you were responsible of your part of our companionship…I did mine the way I’m , you did yours the way you’re “ I loved that he was healthy enough to accept the consequences of his decisions...i didn’t even cry cause he chose it all..and I respect that he didn’t need all that I was ready to offer..the biggest way to solve all hurt from such relationships is accepting you offered your gold to someone who isn’t looking for it..or is broke and can’t pay you its price..
These videos have been very helpful to understand why my ex discarded me. It is helping me to understand my current position, and unfortunately understand that I need to move on.
You can't fix them; they have to do it themselves. It's up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. If your needs aren't being met, let them know, if they don't listen then leave.
I have an honest genuine question. Are there any avoidant people here watching and trying to learn so that they can improve or is it just secure and anxiously attached people here trying to learn and grow so they can cater for the avoidant?
I wish these were targeted at the attachment type in question instead of people interacting with them bc those are the people who actually have the ability to make a change. The anxious videos should be for anxious ppl and the avoidant videos should be for avoidant ppl, not this roundabout adjacency situation that makes it seem like someone besides the person with the attachment style can have any significant impact on the situation.
@@mmurd I would tend to agree. All these little strategies directed at the other partner are such a waste of time, healing needs to happen to oneself by oneself for there to be meaningful change
Yes, I am an FA though, and this seems more geared towards DAs. I watch these videos not to see how to help my partner (I have been single for a long time), but to better map out where my own weaknesses in attachment style are so that when I meet people, I can tell if we are able t9 meet each others' needs based on attachment styles. I've given up thinking that another person would try to figure out how to meet MY needs, so I now filter for who just naturally fits without having to learn or try. It's easier that way. Nobody wants to put the effort in.
If you're a regular PDS watcher and read through the comments, there are lots of avoidants whether FA or DA watching and participating. Thais has mentioned that DA's complete more courses than any other attachment style. I'm SA but a former FA myself. You can tell the difference in the way people speak. DA's come off as very level and secure, not so emotional like other attachment styles.
I knew I was being an asshole but at first I dismissed it as my own childish behavior. Until I noticed these “childish” behaviors were so hard to stop. I’d contemplate on my own behavior towards my girl and knew there was something not right. I mean how hard is it to be present and vulnerable because I know she wants that from me. Am I really just a big asshole? We’d talk about my behavior and I’d feel totally attacked. Then proceed to meet her with resistance and on top of that try to convince myself I am right. I am wrong!!! I see that so clearly now. Somehow I ended up here. Thank you universe always looking out for me. I feel relieved. Time to meditate about this for the next couple of weeks.
Because they don’t care! I tried to understand this. But the truth is they make you feel like you are unimportant. And I’ve healed my own attachment. I’m speaking from a very secure place. They may care internally but they will definitely not be considerate of how you feel.
I promise that a lot of them do care, but it heavily depends on their bond with you. I have DA friends and have dated a couple. If they don't care or don't have strong feelings, they can definitely ice someone out. But if they do have intense feelings, they sometimes don't know how to handle deep emotions and have particular ways of showing them. It really depends on the person and the dynamic.
I don't think they care at all, even internally to be honest... I think they really do not care and just move on because at the end they never created a connection with you
Many thanks for this video. Last time she said to me that relationships shoul be easy and non-complicated, because of that mindset she always made me feel like its all my fault for every little conflict and made me question my sanity, like am i not normal, should i seek help ... its hard to deal with that one side is always right, best version there could possibly be and there is no need to change anything and other side constantly feeling like there is something wrong with and must change something.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to let it out… it doesn’t matter where or with who. If this is your outlet, we are all here. We are going through the same or are getting through it. Break ups are insanely hard on the body and mind…. I know you miss her. I miss my partner too… but we cannot force them to be with us, even if we’re awesome and they’re missing out on an amazing person… They know. But something isn’t right .. whatever that is, is different for all of us. I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is no shame in talking about 🙏🏼 Let it out, tell us what happened and most of us will answer back. Because we know that it hurts and we know that there’s always a story… I hope you begin to feel better as the days pass. Don’t rush into conclusions. Just take it easy and try to begin rebuilding your life and also, don’t hold your breath for her. Just send her love and light and wish her the best. If she’s yours, she will come back and no one else can make the decision to try again besides you two. Fuck what anyone says, YOU call the shots. But don’t get stuck,. Heal, learn and if she doesn’t come back, then at least you’re building your life up without her. And you’ll be okay… trust me. You’ll be good ❤️
It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. Either accept it or leave. There’s no in between unfortunately. You won’t get any warmth from a broken boiler!!!!!❤
This is probably one of the best videos on this topic that I've seen across the TH-cam platform. It's one thing to inform and validate people, it's a completely different thing to educate and put "tools in the toolbox" for those wanting to improve themselves and their relationships (whether it's current or future). Thank you for this.
I don't comment often but damn you really hit the nail on the head for me and my relationship of nearly 6 years that just ended 2 months ago. I have zero faith in relationships succeeding at all and truly believe it is just a matter of time until two individuals fail each other. Many couples look great from the outside but literally no one else knows how it really is except the two together. I constantly focused on flaws, always felt that gifts i received weren't necessary, shut myself down and called it my way of processing thoughts/dealing with anger leaving her feeling neglected/fearful/unloved and wondered if something else better was out there. Add to that I have zero confidence I CAN change for the better and am honestly happier/stress free being single, I think things will be like this forever.
Thank you so much for this information! My partner and I have been together for 8 years, we have kids together, and we are going through a very difficult time and I've been concerned about him leaving the relationship even though I want to fight for it still. I have a more anxious attachment style so I don't readily understand how my partner operates, even though I love him deeply. I've been binge watching your dismissive avoidant videos and it is making a WORLD of difference!!! My eyes are being opened to so many things. I feel more hope, understanding, I'm not personalizing stuff so much, and have more ideas of what to actually do. Thank you so, so, so much for this free content! 💓 You are changing lives!
I am a fearful avoidant and I have some of these traits. (#1 and #3.). I've dated mostly DAs bc we seemed to have so much emotionally in common until the attachment phase. Then they need to take a ton of space to regulate, which scares me to death because I was told I was "too much" as a child. This neurosis is also activated with how DAs feel "relational burn out" faster than other attachment types. It tells me I am "too much." Conversely, when I attach I become afraid and need extra reassurance bc the fear is so great. The DAs run away more and try to tell me I'm unreasonable. That attachment style has broken my trust (kryptonite for an FA), so as soon as I see DA tendencies, I run away. If someone says, "I like a lot of space," "relationships are not a priority for me," "I like spending a lot of time alone," "I need ME time a lot," I don't even try to get to know them anymore it's so traumatic. It's all a learning process of what is best for you.
You could also study astrology. Then you will be able to read the person within 10 minutes of meeting them and identify their attachment style much quicker.
It is hard, I tried to be positive, but watching this make me feel like you need to be professional to handle them, any minute in life you do not know if you will trigger them.
Stop trying to force things to work with people who are not relationship/marriage material. Too many people out here! Move forward yall! Dont become the therapist in the relationship
As an Avoidant, this video is incredibly helpful, I’d really love to know how my ADHD is related to my relationship style, do you have any videos about this?
Mind blown. If someone wants to change and understands themselves it may be an uphill battle but can always become easier with someone that supports the journey of working together.
more than 2 months now since we last had contact and my avoidant ex broke up with me. reason for it was only because i was trying to save and improve our relationship the 2nd time around by having open communication, discussing our past issues and having transparency but instead of having this heart to heart conversation, he felt like i was “attacking” him and it was easier to lose me than to work on what we had because as per him he was too “toxic.” even though what he did was so painful, there’s still a part of me that wishes he would come back and is still holding on to him. i wish i could just forget him.
Girl same I have to keep reminding me that healing is not a linear process but it won’t get any better who doesn’t want to do the bare minimum to communicate just the same way he did from the START .
@@jazz2313thank you for this comment. That’s all I asked for was the bare minimum. For things to be as they started bc I noticed he was pulling away and he ended up ghosting me altogether. He left me beyond confused.
Great video, but I gotta be honest. It seems exhausting to have to keep doing all these things. I guess it’s a matter of striking the unique balance of 1) loving someone and not giving up on them/that real love vs 2) knowing when the relationship is no longer serving you bc it’s hurting you to stay and the other person doesn’t want the change or isn’t showing up (fighting) the way you need them to. Hard to see the wins in this, but I know it exists. Maybe it is best to just best to walk away…
You're right. When you realize the pain caused by staying in a relationship more than the pain of breakup. Only then we think of moving on and not giving another chance.
Can't deal with my DA anymore. He thinks everything is fine the way it is... no commitment, bad communication, inconsistent behavior, prioritizes his family, not me, can't talk about issues (just closes up and doesnt want to hear it) its awful!! Did this for 6 years... I'm done! NC now for 2 days and told him bye.
I am the Atlas of my world; I support everyone in my world. If I could fit into my world, my responsibilities would crush me; I have to be bigger than that. Consequently, I don't fit into the world I support. I'm 61, the father of five, grandfather of nine and the oldest of thirteen siblings. Our parents are dead. I own the company. I solve the problems. I make it happen. I'm here for all of them. The next time you see a picture or a statue of Atlas, look in his eyes. Atlas is lonely. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style because I have to be bigger than that.
Hi Thais! Could you please do a video on when an avoidant really tries in a relationship - like these are indicators that they're trying to break out of their comfort zone and open up?
Hey there, I was scrolling through my feed just now and saw a video from Thais titled 6 Clear Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Likes You. I liked your comment hours earlier so it reminded me of it. I know it’s not what you’re truly asking for, but if you haven’t seen it yet perhaps it’ll be helpful and hit on some effort indicators!
@@JJ-hi1fw Thank you very much for the suggestion! I searched for this and it brought out a few other really good videos on the topic as well. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond 😊
You want them to show up. You say it in the perfectly scripted way as if you were a therapist. They feel attacked. They are confused and hurt why their breadcrumbs arent enough. The only way you get anything is to praise them incessantly.
When was the last time you enjoyed being criticized by your partner? Try asking for more of what works. Things like “when you call me during the day, it makes me feel so loved!” And then be patient. It will take a lot of encouragement and reminders for them to change, even a lottle
What gets me about this is were still the one having to do most of the work, having to change how we operate, on top of trying to heal/work on ourselves. I couldn't do it all and ended up having an emotional breakdown. I just kept trying and giving and was exhausted. His flaw finding felt cruel and abusive. My emotions and sense of self was in tatters! He wouldn't let anything go and was still punishing me for my past two years later, even though he wasn't a part of my past! Soul destroying.
I totally agree, I have found these videos really helpful for my own healing and for understanding the dynamics but I feel like using terms like "flaw finding" or "deactivating" doesnt even come close to describing how abusive and heartbreaking it is to be in a relationship with someone who, one minute loves you and the next minute treats you with disgust for having an emotion or wanting connection. It is honestly beyond twisted and sick, with my ex he could be so caring one minute and the next laughing in my face while Im crying because he told again that he doesnt want to be with me, right after weve been closer and more intimate than ever before. Constant punishment and being gaslit out of your feelings.
Its over for me. Because i cant love him anymore what he did. He has zero ability to understand someone's emotions. Last time when we talk i told him i can't trust him again because he isn't giving me reassurance that he does love me but he wanted to get intimate with me and i wasn't ready for that but he insists for it. That moment i felt like does he only love my body? Did he ever loved me ? I felt traumatised. I would never ever gonna love him back. I hope he just forget me forever.
I'm in a 'situationship' with an admitted DA and the few seconds after 9:24 hit me really hard - I'm a really giving, generous person who wants to help. Maybe I need to reflect on this....
You should heal your attachment style. Also, if you want more out of the relationship, I would bring that up now. A lot of times people enter into situationships hoping it will turn to more then get hurt when it doesn't.
This is a phenomenal video!!!! So many nuggets covered in such a short space of time everything you say Thaïs is invaluable. I wish I had learnt this a year ago /decades ago, but at least I’m learning it now. Thank you from my heart!
This is a good strategy, but it also seems like a lot of work. It reminds me of those role play meetings I had when I worked as a trainer at the gym. Always trying to overcome objections through precise strategies that rarely worked. When I started seeking out people who could afford personal training long-term, my problems went away and was always too busy to attend those role play meetings. It also reminds me of my AP ex who was an alcoholic and far left feminist. Despite listening to her point of view and giving her the listening ear she needed, she was constantly emotionally triggered to the point where I was tip toeing around her feelings CONSTANTLY. I couldn't even surprise her with concert tickets (her favorite venue) along with reservations to one of the top sushi restaurants in town (her favorite food) without being attacked. Not to mention the next few women I met after our breakup had similar problems with personality and/or alcohol so I ran as fast as humanly possible BEYOND the hills. It was a reminder that you should only choose someone who measures up to your standards, not someone who has the potential to.
I'm glad you started seeking people you were more compatible and level with, because that's seriously lacking in the dating world and would probably solve a majority of these problems. (Not all ofcourse)
I have asked this question in these types of videos for a while now. I never get an answer back on it. I feel that it’s not just an avoidance, but possibly people that aren’t just that to you.
I’m an avoidant and I have to ask why does it matter? I think if your needs aren’t being met that’s all that matters. You can mention it to the person and if they don’t seem receptive to fixing it, and that means actions not words (the other attachment styles seems to subside on a diet of words lol). They must put in the actual effort, they must make your well being their business. If you don’t see that, again it doesn’t matter what their label is, they are not for you.
@@sj3969 when describing someone who is just not that into you as an “avoidant” is to suggest that they can’t help it. An avoidant wants to (according to this) be in a healthy relationship but deep wounds keep them from giving themselves fully. Someone that’s just not into you, is just that-they’re just not into you. I feel that it does matter. It’s two different things. If I’m in love with a person that I’ve been trying with and I’m told they’re an avoidant, I would sympathize and try to make it work as far as I can. If they’re just not that into me, I would jump off fast. Again, there is a major difference, in my opinion
@@chrissy_rose8052 to me avoidants make it pretty obvious when they are interested opposed to when they aren't. Same with when they are pulling away opposed to them not being interested. The way I look at it is either way, they want out of the situation at that moment and need space to figure it out. The only way to really know is by asking them.
@@hurricaneaquatics I realize that my mother had a borderline personality. So for her to team up with my sister against me, was as she was a child too, and back as little girl as well 🤷♂️ It was her inappropriated way of dealing with us. I have two younger brothers and they didn't have it like me. My grand-dad was very strick born Catholic. And he was using religion like they were used to in the old times to raise children 🤷♂️
@@denflow7788 BPD, Narcissist, etc are all Cluster B personality disorders and BPD and NPD go hand in hand and it's hard to tell one from the other. So yeah, I get exactly what you're saying.
I am thinking she means we each, individually, "fight" the wounds that tend to cause us to give in to subconscious fears that may be driving us to sabotage the relationship.
It means when women create something to fight about, we as men are supposed to engage to show that we are invested in the relationship. Men value peace in our home above pretty much everything else. If he doesn’t “fight” for the relationship, he’s trying to tell you to take your nonsense somewhere else. He’s fought enough battles for the day; he doesn’t want to come home to something that is manufactured bc you can’t quiet your mind.
Fighting for a relationship sounds really negative to me. It suggests that we've neglected our relationship to the extent that the only option left is to work hard to restore its positivity. Additionally, fighting for a relationship implies that trust has been lost, and rebuilding trust is one of the most painful tasks in a relationship.
"what you can do to help change this"...oh no thank you ma'am, i am not here to change anybody, i just want them to contact me one more time so i can disengage with clarity & peace, mostly so i don't feel like i'm doing to them what they kept doing to me over&over&over&over&OVER
I just sent that message. She just cut me out as in literally out of the blue when we were dating. I asked one time what was up. Then one week after I sent her an invitation to talk about it. And made it clear that this would be my final message. And that the ball is in her court now. It really helped me move past. At the same time somehow it hurt her. Because I wasn't blocked before but after I sent this final message she acted like she didn't read it and immediatly blocked me...
Well said! He's been deleted, so as soon as contacts me one more time, I will make it clear that I will never be enough- that he wants more than I can give.
She has said communicate it, but as someone who leans avoidant, I would never want someone to give me a deadline. I prefer a more soft, but direct and blunt approach so we can discuss if this is going to work right at the moment. Waiting weeks or months can waste people's time.
@@michellereneetaylor7679 I would nix the whole time-line thing all together honestly. I'm not the professional, but just speaking as a human who knows how I'm comfortable being spoken to and timelines sound too ultimatum-like. So let's say you are having the "What are we?" conversation. Here's an example.. Her : Can I ask what you're looking for with us? I just want to make sure we're on the same page before we go any further. Him : I love you, but can't do a serious relationship right now so I just want to keep it casual. Her : Okay, I understand that. It sounds like we want different things and that's okay, but if I stay in this, only one of our needs are getting met so it's probably best we stay friends." That's just an idea. I actually had this conversation with someone lol. He had a hard time letting go but still couldn't offer me what I needed to stay. He is still reaching out to this day. Honestly, I had to be prepared to lose my ex is is more avoidant than I am and I think that's the hardest part for people. Putting love over their needs and being afraid that if they speak up, it could bring unfavorable results. The thing is, I chose myself and it was the best move I ever did. If they want what you want, they will stay. Sometimes they even want it, but are too afraid and I understand. I just can't live in silence or anxiety for anyone. It's not worth it.
This is fascinating. I didn't know what a DA was until I started studying this after getting dumped by one out of the blue two months ago. It was a great long distance relationship with an eye toward me moving to her city later on. Out of nowhere she left because she was predicting my future emotions thinking I would resent a LTR with her because I wasn't single very long when we met and it was all becoming 'forced.' Flaw-finding! And it sounds like her mother was cold an unloving with her as a kid. I was completely floored when she ended it in a very abrupt, aloof manner but it's making sense to me now. All this happened after the attachment phase.
Interesting..i would consider myself an avoidant from your definition.. but the thing is i never felt deprived as a child for attention. My parents divorced when i was in the 2nd grade but my brother was 18months older than me & my father got us every weekend & mom was great.. i had plenty friends & really was always a busy outdoors kid.. im curious where that personality type came from with me.
I had to dig deep to think about this for myself too. Maybe adult you thinks you were okay as a child, but back then the initial divorce affected you. Also, you can turn avoidant from other areas in life romantic partnerships. My first couple of serious relationships were with anxious men and my goodness it turned me off. My avoidant side came right out and I've only dated SA/DA men since.
#2 the expecting relationships to be “Easy” can also be due to having been “Spoiled” aka stifled and even suffocated by an over bearing parent and also furthered by so much media “perfection” being displayed instead of people being more real on even these videos…plastic faces not a practicing what one preaches when one is teaching self acceptance etc. “one sided relationships”…good good point…..giving what they don’t need…GREAT POINT.
My partner always ran away. And did the silent treatment and one-two days minimum and all of that just annoyed me because he would come back hating me because those 2 days without communication were draining from him. When we could’ve just talked it out and moved on. Example (1) he lost a key. Blamed it on me. (Key wasn’t mine, it was his friend). I called AAA and tried to find a solution. But he continued to blame me. (2) he got a kitten 🐈⬛ the kitten was shy and scared. He kept saying how ungrateful the cat was and how he didn’t want her because she behaved weird. (What I did was) found her a home, of a lady who loves cats but in the end he didn’t wanna give her away. Lady got sad, I was so annoyed and this guy just kept complaining. So long story short months later, (after a long day of work) He comes over… still complaining about the kitten and I was like dude, I tried to help, why are we still having this conversation? He left and then said “we don’t have a future” because we don’t have patience for each other. This guy told me he wanted to marry me and move in with me earlier those months and literally within the same week. He said “I don’t see a future with us to be honest” and I said okay … He’s like but don’t leave me. And I was like wtf? I asked him to please get his stuff from my place and we ended it.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant We got into afterwards because he just left without saying anything. I had cooked for him and served him. I told him it was rude af for him to just leave… i didn’t get it. But I think he was just waiting for us to have any difference of opinion to break things off. I’m not from Turkey 🇹🇷 and I think he didn’t like that I spoke my mind.
Why would i fight for a woman who has no intention of fighting for me. Just chasing other men with her eyes! Why would i fight her insecurities, pathologies and emotional immaturity for the relationship. All this “you need to fight for me” nonsense. “You need to fight for the relationship”. The perennial “give me a baby” ultimatums in under one years worth of unstable dating from 35-50 year old childless women. Usually undertaken before a special occasion usually my Birthday as an additional layer of blackmail. What do you think would happen if i yielded to such childish demands?…..My guess is parental alienation and obligatory child support! Why would i commit to a woman who i feel hasn’t committed to me? None of it makes sense in black and white only in the milky fog of emotional reasoning!
You have literally described my ex to a tee! Sexually abused by her Dad as a kid, the father of her triplets held a gun to her head. We grew up together, were best friends as kids. Reconnected with social media. Everything was amazing in the beginning, then the distance from her started. We've now known each other for 38 years. My heart was completely broken when she ended it. Since I could never get answers from her, this has truly given me the answers I've searched for for the last two years. Thank you
She did make big progress and I didn’t even have to set deadlines (she asked for them and I didn’t want to do that) but she left right when we were almost around the corner.
I dont want a relationship, but the da is my best friend. I've learned that yes, they won't show what you need, but what I've learned is they'll show you those things, make your intentions as clear as day things will be tough but they will open up
Only if you are doing it out of willingness to share useful information and not in order to generate a specific outcome... Or if you can cope if she doesn't receive this well.
Am anxious avoidant I believe and my partner is dismissive avoidant. It’s just a hot mess. I cannot even begin. I cannot find anyone in our network for counseling not that I know if he’d even go. I have the curse benefit I’m still not sure of also being “an empath” which I never heard this term til 20ish years ago…and that analytical rude bisch inside my brain rolls her eyes every time I say that. But it was like reading an autobiography written by someone I never met. I was floored. And cried for days. For lotsa reasons. I’ve tried so much for so long I just can’t anymore. But til I get to point where I can handle living in my car I’m stuck. Never settle. Listen to ur gut. It’s rarely wrong. 🕊️
Hang in there. I'm DA and I believe my wife is AA. Yes we struggled mightily, she threatened to divorce me twice. After 12 years I'm finally putting it together and learn how to work with her. He's got to realize and make the changes he needs to. Lord knows how many people want to put up with DAs.
I've never understood what "let your guard down" or "not be afraid of showing vulnerability" even mean. Those questions just put a puzzled look on my face then the person asking just thinks I'm hiding something
I’m insecure attachment but my bf is dismissive avoidant and we have broken up before and I became fearful avoidant with the ppl I dated… so weird I’m one way with him and another way with other people. Maybe I am still avoidant with my boyfriend but because he’s more dismissive avoidant I subconsciously feel safe??
I would think this works the same way for FA as far as feelings minus fears and I can definitely see that part but how does the anxious play in that equation? I’m guessing it’s like bonus feelings? So if we had 9 feelings and 7 fears but then are leaning anxious +4 we have a net appearance of 6 now instead of just 2???? Then once they swing back avoidant we are back to 2? That’s what it feels like on the receiving end.
I find it so so interesting to have met a guy that is so over the top independent. Me, I like to depend on others and likewise others depend on me. Despite the extremely difficult learning curve being with an avoidant, I think it has been worth it.
My ex has several dismissive avoidant tendencies and I was willing to fight for the relationship while she wasn't. She didn't even know what attachment styles were. The last time we spoke I cried on the phone and pleaded with her to not give up on me to just believe in me a little bit and all she could muster was saying "I think we made the right decision this time. " as we had broken up once over a year ago before getting back together a couple months later. But she said "we" as if it was a mutual decision or like I had any say in the breakup.
Sounds like my ex, he broke up with me twice, both times after about 2 years together... There was a 6-month break in between. This last breakup had eerily similar circumstances to the first... And he said he thinks it's just best for us to move on and to learn from this. He said one day I'll look back and be happy about this decision. I told him I was willing to do my part to work through things, because he and our relationship are important to me and worth fighting for... but I also said if his choice is to move on, then I guess I'll have to respect that and move on.... I told him I felt that everything we were struggling with was workable and fixable. I guess he didn't agree. 😔💔 That was about 2 months ago.
I really messed up and broke my FA/DA's trust by breaking a promise I made due to my own people pleasing behaviour and she now feels our values are different when i know they aren't. Any advice?
Yes, if she is FA and isn't aware or hasn't done the work be very mindful about attempting to get back together. If you know anything about her past relationships, consider if your relationship is actually sny different from a third party perspective. You may find it follows the exact same pattern as previous relationships
@@niktendo2000 her last relationship is a long time ago, and she's been with a therapist for a while, she has definitely put in work to not run away at the first sign of trouble but this mistake of mines has been very hurtful for her and fuels her intrusive thoughts.
I found out much later in life that I had an avoidant attachment style. I have to say that avoidants aren't bad people. They probably lack awareness of the problem and there's a LOT of pain underneath all of those avoidant behaviors. Having said that, I can say I gave my marriage my ALL. I saw several therapists. Can I say that therapists aren't perfect? Oh my heck, I actually had one who fell asleep in our appointments on a regular basis. She was going to school to get her PhD at the time. Okay? Most everything I've learned about attachment styles, co-dependency, toxic shame, communication styles, real self vs false self and a whole slew of other things pertaining to mental health and healthy relationships--came from books! Books and NOW TH-cam videos. Thank goodness there are people out there who share their expertise! If not, I'd still be sitting in a therapist's office wondering what was wrong with me and they would sit across from me and ask about my week and give me an article to read for the next appointment. Sheesh! Some people shouldn't be doing therapy.
Do the tips in this video still apply if you've already broken up? She broke up with me suddenly when things started getting serious. Seemed perfect before then because we didn't have a single conflict. Been doing no contact for a month, she messaged a few times just "how was your week?" type questions, I replied to questions but stopped replying when the questions stopped.
Stay in limited nc, it’s never good going full nc with a DA girl. Make sure you work on yourself, give it another month or so, but reply when she messages. Identify the pain points, maybe her needs weren’t voiced and she left because they weren’t magically being met, whatever it is understand how to fix it. Remember to always be calm and confident, never blame or criticise your DA. My DA ex was open to meet ups and chats around 2 months and 3 months was still friendly and attraction was still there. This all depends if it ended well and if the connection you guys had was special, and in her eyes rare. Good luck.
@@norswil8763 I think she's a mix of DA and FA but not sure. She was getting psychotherapy, she never communicated needs then broke up in avoidant way, and her mum left her when she was 4 years old. We only dated 3 months but I've never felt so compatible with someone in my life, incl 3 year relationship, I'm only her 2nd and longest she's dated someone... she flaw found saying we aren't compatible for weird reasons, when I questioned that she backpeddled and said she wants to be with me but is too scared of being hurt. Haven't heard anything from her for 3 weeks now and saw she's been going to singles running club. She was the last to reach out but I replied, was just small talk about olympics
@@bearface9706 only 3 months, it’s not long enough to build a genuine connection, I’m guessing yourself and her are young. Just stay in touch and see, there’s no point in going no contact other than to make it easier for you to get over her. You have to realise that people with an avoidant pattern will not realise it until they’ve hit rock bottom, broken themselves in a substantial relationship, I know it felt special, it always starts with excitement and hotness… but once it’s gone the avoidant is too. She sounds DA. She is probably unaware of her patterns. Good luck mate.
@@norswil8763 That's what I've worried about... I've never been this in love with someone, it felt genuine, only person I've wanted kids with even... She said I'm the only person she's had strong feelings for too but she didn't say she loved me back. We're late 20s but she doesn't have much experience dating. We had a crush on each other for 6 months before dating but only saw her 10-15 times then, 35ish dates so 50 days in person total. It was the most passionate 3 months, couldn't let each other go, so many acts of service and lots of physical intimacy and she initiated all the first moments. I don't think she will hit rock bottom or have much time for reflection, she's very busy. Do you think it's better to stay NC or try reach out one last time? I've been getting therapy, haven't been able to sleep this whole 6 weeks properly cause got anxiety from blindsided breakup, nothings really helped. It's not healthy, trying my best. Thank you for your responses.
I feel like I’m in a really unique situation here. She (DA) left me saying that I deserve someone who is going to meet my needs better and that as much as she would like to be in a relationship with me. She isn’t ready to put in the effort to make those changes. On one hand, I’m incredibly proud of her. Recognizing you have a problem is very much the first step towards targeting it and fixing it. On the other hand, I’m hoping that she didn’t just find the right words to say so she could end it on semi good terms and then continue perpetuating her cycle. We were together for a year, and I’ve just recently (yesterday) crossed over into one week of no contact. Again, im proud of her for acknowledging it and trying to spare me. But, at the same time, I’m only human. I love her to death, miss her, and want the best for her. Cards have been shuffled, anything can be in the deck. Let’s play the hand I’m dealt. 🤷🏻♂️
She told me this too that im too good for which sucks because i gave up everything i had to be with her i chose her over anything but she just left me in a heart beat day one of no contact but i broke it off last sun she told me that i hope i can forgive her once she figures everything out witch i doubt that she still gonna want someone like me
Okay, well I never had any modeling for working through conflict either. My entire family dynamic was to sweep things under the rug and avoid everything. As I grew up I didn’t want to live like that and have things festering inside me. I’m still not great at expressing myself, but I have to work on it. Or just end up alone. I think that’s the thing. You have to kind of be willing to work on it.
Is there any hope for an avoidant? I am an avoidant and I can tell you that while it seems to others we do t care, we are broken and have a lot of pain, and if the relationship is struggling, we are scared and suffer terribly as well if the relationship fails. Them proceed to feel self loathing and deep regret, pain and loneliness, and longing for the other person. It’s a terribly lonely place to be…but it would seem you all would say that person deserves it😞
Therapy will work it will get easier. No one deserves to be alone in cold hell. I dont hate my avoidant ex i really feel sorry for her she dosent deserve to run from one failed relationship to another, its quite hell(( she will run trough a lot of man due to somewhat unrealistic expectations (((. I do love her sincerely and i wish she will be happy one day even if im not in the picture.
NO MATTER WHAT you offer an avoidant you are guaranteed to receive severe neglect in return. I had to learn to accept that some people do not want to give or receive love. They're broken. Don't break your own heart trying to fix them. They don't want the support you have.
Sadly my experience. Next
You said it perfectly. Thanks for that. So friggin true. Being an empath doesn't help either.
@terri5624 I understand. It's hard to not help those that we see need it. Sadly, they won't receive it. It's wasted energy 🫂
@LinA-kj4xy good for you!
Absolutist thinking is the sign of a smooth brain
Great video. Let me save you all some trouble, just pass. If someone has one foot out of the door, can't communicate, silent treatment, can't show love and is standoffish, cold, doesn't care about your feelings, and the list goes on. Trust me, it only gets worse and you're wasting your time. Find someone that wants to be with you and can reciprocate love and affection.
I agree you just can’t fight for someone who doesn’t believe in what you’re fighting for.
You’ll just resent yourself for giving them chances because you want a particular outcome that never materialises.
it’s draining. Even if you think you’re being understanding you’re actually compromising your own integrity.
You end up becoming frustrated with the way they behave - feeling like they are doing it to intentionally make you uncomfortable.
The worst thing for me was the smug look - or at least what I interpreted as a smug look. As if putting my genuine empathy out there and my heart on the line was entertaining or some kind of game. I spent two years trying to understand this type of person and I’m just as dumbfounded now as I was when they suddenly switched from their “best self” to the empty person they were deep down.
It’s awkward and pointless to stand for these types of people.
I found it was best to heal my own attachment style. Once I did that, I was able to look back and not personalize anything my ex DA did and I was also able to see the areas where I contributed to fall of the relationship. You know the saying..."It takes two..."
@@LeeChrissy Yes, definitely sometimes. However, if you're behind the eight ball from the start with the DA, there is no making them happy. You are absolutely correct that you need to focus on yourself and improve yourself. That's all we can do in this life and we can find those who want the same thing we do and have a loving, trusting relationship.
Try 53 years on and off with this type... Very dissapointing, indeed. I watch these vids with empathy and concern having been through all you describe.
Stand off, run if needed- You're on the correct path.@@Amelia_McDermott
AGREE!!!!!
By the time you realize that your partner is avoidant it's too late. Peace, love and goodbye to that
From my experience, very accurate and poignant comment 👏
@@caljul07 Yes it is and now you feel helpless and sad for both of you 😔
I already know my ex is an avoidant and a narc but I want to fix it.desperately .now I will heal confront him and one last time and possibly report him.
💯
Very true...I've already wasted 4 months ignoring my own life....getting emotionally invested...so over it....
I see a lot of pain in the comment section, and I understand completely. My Wife of 12 years is avoidant. They do love and do care. Don't allow the pain to lie to you. They are terrified of opening up. I'll continue to be loving, compassionate, caring, and giving to my Wife.
I was trying to find a comment like yours, but from a woman about her partner, to give me some hope with the avoidant man, whose only fault is that he is avoidant and he struggles alone through the unhappiness it brings.
I wonder if women and men are avoidant in a different way.
All the best luck to you.
@@silverlinings3946my people ❤
Speaking as somone who has been married to an avoidant for 24 very LLLOOONNNGGG years...good luck with that. You get EXHAUSTED from being the only one who cares and gives effort in the realtionship.
All the best to you and your wife, she's lucky to have you
@@missyk1477 amazing...24 years...hope you guys have a healthier relationship
They won't fight for the healthy relationship but will for the toxic relationship.
They know they lack the requirements for a healthy one. They know they r too damaged and must not attempt to entertain higher caliber women bc we won’t stay.
It’s true they tend to chase after who doesn’t want them at all
@@flagirl0315 because they know deep down it won't work out and there is no chance for a real intimate relationship with that person, so deep down it allows them remain alone...
@@Lolipop8686 exactly! It’s totally a subconscious thing. I’ve met a lot of people who do that. And in their mind have a fantasy about it. But you know if that person reciprocated feelings they would run for the hills
You know there is some truth to this. I adore my ex DA, but I also know his past dating history as we were friends years before we dated. He remained in relationships where he was cheated on with one and fought constantly with another. With me it was smooth sailing for the most past. In 3 years I believe we had 3 conflicts that were solvable, but because we were both unhealed, neither of us could communicate our way out of it so we would both go quiet. Now that I am secure, we're on two different emotional levels and I had to turn him away when he came back.
I was the really generous partner pouring into an avoidant. It's like pouring water thru a colander. Nothing sticks, and then you're the one left feeling empty. The love, affection, kindness, and care that I gave that man......what a waste.
I felt the same way. Although I was super guilty for cutting him off from my life, I am starting to appreciate now that I did.
Sorry to hear that - same here. I gave my all but when I needed him most he abandoned me without a word, the day after my Dad died - just disappeared out of my life. 5 years wasted.
You shouldn't do that though. You have to have your own cup filled before you pour into others. I used to be like that, but will never be that person again. If we are the ones pouring, we only have ourselves to blame...no one else. People pleasing in part of an unhealed attachment. I was a FA but went through PDS to heal it.
Giving with the intention of receiving is not giving. You feel drained because you rely on positive feedback for validation. That validation needs to come from within first, before you can give without being drained.
@@Littleowl85352 While that is the true premise of unconditional love, I feel it's not really sustainable in a relationship where it take two to tango.
Can I just say. What hacks me off about avoidents is when they honestly believe the communication issues stem from you, be it that you are secure or anxious, they can't see how they overwhelmingly contribute to the communication breakdown
Okay. What are you going to do with that emotion of yours? What will you change in yourself?
Okay but both can be true. Anxious people sometimes think they are communicating in a healthy way when they're not which results in an avoidant going quiet. The same for secure people. Depending on the person, anyone can come off a certain way that the other person doesn't like. I date a SA once and he was great, but every now and then he would say something that was so blunt it was rude. To him it sounded fine. Perspective is everything.
@gregvanpaassen the only thing you can do is learn how to communicate with an avoidant person. Having the tools and equipment necessary helps, but the ownership is on the avoident individual to work on how they show up as well. If they won't, then a deadline has to be set to walk away. It can't be one-sided. I am secure, but I also have done the work to learn how to communicate with people who have different styles. Even though I can navigate, It's still one of the most frustrating things to go through.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Agree
@@defiantenergy or you can leave
In my experience, you often don't know the other person is avoidant until they run away. No conflicts or difficulties. By this time the avoidant has no desire to 'work' on anything; they want to relieve their fear and revulsion by getting away from you. I have learned the hard way to let them run.
Why do you think they come back?
@@atmodleegood freaking question.
@@atmodlee because its easier than trying to start something new
Yup that’s what I just went through
Mine just wouldn’t work on themselves during the relationship they go to the gym and know how to take care of themselves body wise but they only befriend anyone who supports their ideologies and current needs when it comes to give and take in a relationship they won’t do anything unless there is something in it for them mine went on for 3 and half years and they just wouldn’t grow or level up in life it was easy when the starting phase was there we loved each other spent plenty time together plus there was lockdowns so it was easier but as the relationship unfolded it was always me doing the running and growing they had no ambition in life I got sick and tired of them not pulling their weight when I had got through my driving paid for holidays for us paid off their birth certificates and passport but when it came to looking for a place together they only looked at the displayed price or how much rent a month it would be and not take into account all the other things that it takes to run a place they couldn’t accept the fact that they needed to grow with me in order to afford it coz over here in the uk everything is set for two full time working adults and even then you still struggle however most jobs over here are part time so your always in debt 💸 things ended with me and my ex when they kept bringing their problems to me while I was at work and I couldn’t help them because customers needed help and my ex just wanted me to drop everything while at work and see to their problems with me they were having a full blown mental breakdown in front of everyone and I couldn’t do anything because of being at work I felt so helpless we texted for two more days then Easter Monday rolled around said they were going out for the day when they always said to me for the entire relationship that their social anxiety stopped them from going out so I wished them a good day the very next day they ended the relationship with me and have been doing a smear campaign against me both in work and on social media since and everybody seems to be buying it I can’t believe how gullible people are it’s rediculous after everything I done for them during our relationship even going against my own family they just want a sugar mammy or daddy that they can control they keep lying and twisting facts to people playing the victim I just am so fed up makes me just want to remain single the rest of my life
Folks, it’s not our job to fix “someone’s broken child”. Learned the hard way…
Ladies - take it from someone who found this out the hard way - just dump him and move on. If you’re doing all the giving and he’s just taking, has one foot in and one foot out, isn’t there when you need him and isn’t talking commitment within a year - RUN, otherwise he will. I wasted 5 yrs on such a man and the lack of closure started me on an early menopause, I lost half my hair and plunged into depression - while he just got on with his life as if I’d never been part of it. Don’t let this happen to you because it’s like a slow sui*ide. No matter how handsome, charming, career-smart and sexy he is, he will one day destroy your life, trust me. LET HIM GO before he does.
Have you looked into your own attachment style to heal yourself? It definitely helps when choosing future partners and you will tolerate a lot less and leave sooner. Personally DA's and I work well together, but not when I don't have boundaries and non-negotiables in place.
Omg - almost the same thing happened to full…even the early menopause and depression etc…
The most toxic and harmful relationship to your own mental health is to be with a dismissive avoidant!
One year is not enough to know someone before marrying them. The reason divorce rates are so high is because people marry too soon and don't understand how much people can hide for several years and can change over time. It takes more like 3-4 years for mentally healthy people to vet someone and see if they're really serious commitment material
Sounds like narcissistic abuse
100% my story, too… even the same period of time🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😳
I've done a lot of healing with this channel. Love coming back every so often for little reminders.
Look after yourself, and move on if you have to. Peace and no longer ruminating is the victory!
I'm not sure why anyone would choose this path instead of just leaving for a new partner. I left my avoidant and found the sweetest, most loving, open partner in the world. It's just easy and comfortable, in a way that dating the avoidant never was. In most cases, moving on is probably for the best.
I'm my case I'm fighting for it because we have 3 children together and I believe we owe it to them, and also because I love him deeply. The "just leave" comments can be frustrating. Sometimes relationships, even with avoidants, are worth fighting and working our butts off for, especially when children are involved.
@@hclements3884 Yeah YOU are here fighting, not them. You'll spend a lifetime feeling alone and lonely, or you will eventually leave, with way more trauma than you came into the relationship with. You and your kids could find someone worthwhile to love on you, spoil you and show up for you. I never said leaving is easy. But staying is harder.
@@hclements3884 you probably get frustrated with the comments that say "just leave" because subconsciously you know that's exactly what you should be doing. I love DA's and all, but I don't love staying in something where my needs aren't getting met. Love has nothing to do with a strong, thriving relationship. I'm single with kids because I wouldn't settle. They are much better off seeing me happy alone than unhappy and in a relationship.
How did you find a new and better partner? I just don't think I will be attracted to anyone else and I will end up having to be with a wonderful man that I am not genuinely attracted to and then we will never have sex.
@@momanddaughtervids4257Honestly, I forced myself. I was so trauma bonded and in love with my ex that I never thought I'd be able to fall in love with someone else. But I forced myself to start dating and really start spending time with other guys. And my boyfriend is so sweet. He makes me breakfast every morning. He kisses me for no reason. He cares about my opinions. Replies to my texts. Loves on me and spoils with me. Asks for my opinion. Wants to marry me and is CLEAR about it. Once you get treated like that, you just aren't willing to go back. My ex tried to circle back and it was honestly disgusting to me. He couldn't offer half of what I have now. I found that mindset and that mantra to be very useful during my journey.
Bottom line: If they won’t go to therapy with you or alone, let them go! I’m working on my avoidant traits. I fully accept that I am my own worst enemy in relationships and I don’t want to hurt other people or myself anymore. I don’t want to be in a cycle of new relationships and I don’t want to die alone. My hyper independence comes from years of childhood abuse and I will be damned if I let my childhood trauma continue to wreak havoc on my life
Yes! I’m in the same space realizing how many DA traits, programs, patterns that I have let run in the background for my entire life due to childhood neglect. Not going to sit back anymore. It’s v painful to learn how I’ve left a wake of hurt in my path but determined to do the work and live fully with love and vulnerability.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of and I have my suspicions she is not going, or not opening up on purpose :(
Great thinking
I love that spirit, damn it! Go, go go and the very best of luck :)
Yes!! It is NOT easy to feel the feelings and work through them, but we avoidants CAN heal and be better partners.
what you're proposing are great steps but only IF... relationship hasn't been falling apart for a long time already and your partner has some level of self-awareness and wants to do the work. otherwise you become a therapist of your partner who hates being criticized, held accountable, or even when you point out that your needs are not met, I've been through this cycle with a patience and kind language of an angel and still I was called abusive for even suggesting that we both have to work on fixing communication, and not just one person. Needless to say I left and it's been a painful recovery but deep down in my soul I knew I had to leave. I started really hating myself for staying or even considering friendship with someone who completely didn't care about me anymore.
An avoidant doesn't want to save a relationship because they secretly resent you. And the steps you should take are go be single and figure out why you would ever settle for a relationship that you know isn't right for you and learn how to pick people that are good for you.
@@ferielsayedi2302 maybe the kind of love, or the way you show love isn’t what they want or need. I’m DA, but I remember meeting a man who was polygamous. I couldn’t understand it, being an introvert and a DA how the hell am I supposed/want to be with more than one person? One person tires me enough. He didn’t understand how one or no person was enough for me. Differences, but it doesn’t mean we can’t find people who appreciate us. I stopped looking romantically, but I think my friends appreciate me
@@ferielsayedi2302because love makes them repel faster than a rat up a drainpipe.
@sj3969 why were you even with him then? So you dated someone that you knew wasn't right and then got upset because how are you supposed to be with someone like that. Thats the whole point. You picked someone you knew was not a good match and then resented them for it. Cmon man
@@ferielsayedi2302 because they project their issues onto their partners
@@mathews0618 exactly. People put feelings over compatibility. Not a great idea.
Just pass. I did this with a man who just couldn’t communicate at all. I tried nd tried for a long time and then one day I woke up and realized how gross that behavior was. I am worth more than that and everybody is worth more than that. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.
My story: in 10yrs span she came in to my life couple of times and always ran away. But this time it was serious. I didnt want to give her chance but she was insistent, love-bombing was top notch. No other girls chases you like that. It was surreal and seem a little off... and so it was. Step by step my defences came down and we started dating. Its was the best feeling ever, she said: i was her one and only, the ONE, nobody treated her like i did (and i was a romantic).
She said she never leave me, never abandom me, that i was her future husband a gift from God. (We are christians) She started talking about marriange and engagement, planning our wedding. It wast subtle it was straightforward. For me this kind of speed was kind of weird, but i talked to her, her closest friend (she has one), her mom. Everybody was telling - go for it, its all right, you are ment for each other, your love story is so romantic. And so i did, and she said yes.
But then a week after we had our first "problem". She didnt want to solve it and talk like adults, its ether we do what she wants or im the bad one. And if i insisted to talk about my side and my feelings, she shutted down. Another week pased, its was amazing weekend, she kissed me, told me she loved me etc. But then we had another problem, another misunderstanding wich is typical for couples. She didnt want to listen to me, was very critical to the smallest stupidest details, but she herself responded very badly if i said something to her. And she left me. She cried all night, became a victim, her dreams or now i understand "illusions" of perfect partner was shattered, her fears triggered and she left me and ghosted me.
For those of you, who dates an avoidant and have feeling for them i say - dont invest all your hearth, its may be dificult, but do it, i would hurt less, trust me.
And im not the only one.
Bro mine refused to talk it through and we only had 1 rough moment. Her solution was to end it, I was more than willing to talk it over to find some middle ground or something.
Yes how would we feel being married to someone like this silent treatment ghosting in your home sometimes don't even want to sleep with you.Ive seen it a lot of times rejection is God's or the universe protection or redirection you dodged a bullet and so did I.
@@sheliasmith2884 thank you, it means a lot to me. 🙏 And funny enough, you were right about silent treatment and no sleeping together. We planned to live together after marriage next month, but during our conversations or suring those two fights, she said that those things would be natural to her.
Thank you for your words. I’ve been involved with a lady who I gave my whole heart and soul to. I am starting to understand how she functions. She is a psychotherapist and uses her trauma as an excuse for her behaviour. She was married for twenty years to a narcissist who emotionally abused her yet she cheated on him numerous times. In the four years she was with me, three times she broke it off like a light switch. We are like best friends and everything is going great and then within a literal one hour span something gets triggered and she breaks it off and ghosts me. And usually lame excuses. The last one was five weeks ago. She is also trauma bonded to her ex. They speak all the time yet she says she can’t stand him. I told her until she can completely break free of him she will never find anyone because no one can compete with him. He even told her why would you break up with him. He grounds you and is good for you. Her sons even told her the same thing. I am now running as fast as I can from her. It does hurt though I cannot lie
@David_Me825 Your situation sounds more serious than just avoidant attachment style, not that that's not bad enough! But she may also have something like Borderline Personality Disorder, which causes them to have very unstable relationships. They will choose a favorite person, whom they will build up and put on a pedestal, but their perception of themselves is so unstable that they are incapable of building a stable relationship with anyone else. It's a lot more complex than that, but that's a piece of it. Narcissists also do the love bombing like she did. It's a manipulative tactic. Hope you stay far away from that situation so you can keep your sanity!
Wow. You have to really love a person to go through all of this. It’s too much and exhausting. I’ll just take the L (loss). You doing all the work to be in a relationship and they sit and wait for you. You’ll always be the one doing and initiating.
A very simple thing I have discovered is the only thing that works with my Dismissive avoidant man is to just let him know I love him and am here for him, see him through these wounds and then I just let him go to figure things out. I have enough confidence in him as an intelligent person that he will figure out his own patterns and heal himself, but it only can happen in the absence of me. I just let him know at a distance, “hey, I am still here” but I am also moving forwards with my life too.
I love this!! Learning to do exactly what you said in the last sentence
How is that a good relationship? I'm very serious. All I've ever had was abuse. I've done a lot of work on healing to get myself back. I'm now engaged. But I am recognizing the dismissive avoidant that he actually is. There can be no real talk. If it isn't superficial, he's irritated. It's emotional neglect & after all the abuse, I'm not up for it. Why would this be worth the time & trouble? You obviously feel yours IS worth the trouble. Are you seeing something you can describe? How you're able to feel respected, cherished, able to have great communication, have fun together... ?
Respect, took the tough call and staying at distance for this reason, and it's no easy, lots of love
Seems like you have too much time to deal with someone who doesnt care at all about how you feel...
I can so resonate with this. 🥹 Thank you for sharing this. I want to do this too. It’s hard but it’s for the best of us. ❤
I feel bad for anyone still trying to work things out with a da. At some point they will discard you. Even after years of marriage. With an amazing secure man now who is light years better. I’m embarrassed at who I was when with a da and that I was even with them 😂
In it now and wonder why
They claim they dont want to fight, but yet, fing everything as an attack. They live in defense mode instead of opening their hearts. They are not healthy in any way. Life is difficult for everyone, everyone has been through shit. Continuing to use your trauma as a scape goat, is only keeping you stuck and struggling if you are an avoidant. I recommend avoiding the avoidant.
Yes!!! 1000% right on
You're triggered. It's okay. No one asked you to date an avoidant. And the same trauma we have is the same trauma that has you desperately clinging to people. Opposite sides of the same coin.
@@ketosisweightloss9480. The problem is that true love and a healthy interdependent relationship is viewed as “desperately clinging to people” by the avoidant. A healthy loving marriage that lasts a lifetime is NOT a weakness.
@@richardgene4231 that's a lie. I'm a DA and I have no issues in my relationships with secure and other DA. But put me in a relationship with an anxious person and I lose my mind. I've been there and never again, i'ld rather chew rocks. Anxious people have no idea what interdependency looks like. I refuse to be anyone's therapist and listen to all their trauma, be their only source of entertainment, their source of self esteem, worth and validation. I just can't. It's emotionally draining.
@@ketosisweightloss9480Youre both draining
If I love someone, I'll try to give my best. I don't invest my feeling and time on someone who won't do same. Period
this. So simple, it would seem...
my last words to my avoidant ex was the sentence “ you were responsible of your part of our companionship…I did mine the way I’m , you did yours the way you’re “
I loved that he was healthy enough to accept the consequences of his decisions...i didn’t even cry cause he chose it all..and I respect that he didn’t need all that I was ready to offer..the biggest way to solve all hurt from such relationships is accepting you offered your gold to someone who isn’t looking for it..or is broke and can’t pay you its price..
These videos have been very helpful to understand why my ex discarded me. It is helping me to understand my current position, and unfortunately understand that I need to move on.
You can't fix them; they have to do it themselves. It's up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. If your needs aren't being met, let them know, if they don't listen then leave.
I have an honest genuine question. Are there any avoidant people here watching and trying to learn so that they can improve or is it just secure and anxiously attached people here trying to learn and grow so they can cater for the avoidant?
Heaps of us, the former. Scan the comments and you'll find us
I wish these were targeted at the attachment type in question instead of people interacting with them bc those are the people who actually have the ability to make a change. The anxious videos should be for anxious ppl and the avoidant videos should be for avoidant ppl, not this roundabout adjacency situation that makes it seem like someone besides the person with the attachment style can have any significant impact on the situation.
@@mmurd I would tend to agree. All these little strategies directed at the other partner are such a waste of time, healing needs to happen to oneself by oneself for there to be meaningful change
Yes, I am an FA though, and this seems more geared towards DAs. I watch these videos not to see how to help my partner (I have been single for a long time), but to better map out where my own weaknesses in attachment style are so that when I meet people, I can tell if we are able t9 meet each others' needs based on attachment styles.
I've given up thinking that another person would try to figure out how to meet MY needs, so I now filter for who just naturally fits without having to learn or try. It's easier that way. Nobody wants to put the effort in.
If you're a regular PDS watcher and read through the comments, there are lots of avoidants whether FA or DA watching and participating. Thais has mentioned that DA's complete more courses than any other attachment style. I'm SA but a former FA myself. You can tell the difference in the way people speak. DA's come off as very level and secure, not so emotional like other attachment styles.
Best thing I ever did was leave.
I knew I was being an asshole but at first I dismissed it as my own childish behavior. Until I noticed these “childish” behaviors were so hard to stop. I’d contemplate on my own behavior towards my girl and knew there was something not right. I mean how hard is it to be present and vulnerable because I know she wants that from me. Am I really just a big asshole? We’d talk about my behavior and I’d feel totally attacked. Then proceed to meet her with resistance and on top of that try to convince myself I am right. I am wrong!!! I see that so clearly now. Somehow I ended up here. Thank you universe always looking out for me. I feel relieved. Time to meditate about this for the next couple of weeks.
Because they don’t care! I tried to understand this. But the truth is they make you feel like you are unimportant. And I’ve healed my own attachment. I’m speaking from a very secure place. They may care internally but they will definitely not be considerate of how you feel.
I promise that a lot of them do care, but it heavily depends on their bond with you. I have DA friends and have dated a couple. If they don't care or don't have strong feelings, they can definitely ice someone out. But if they do have intense feelings, they sometimes don't know how to handle deep emotions and have particular ways of showing them. It really depends on the person and the dynamic.
I don't think they care at all, even internally to be honest... I think they really do not care and just move on because at the end they never created a connection with you
They can’t care.
@@Lolipop8686that last sentence. Never created a connection is right
Fellow anxious partners, work towards being secure and partnering with a secure person.
Many thanks for this video. Last time she said to me that relationships shoul be easy and non-complicated, because of that mindset she always made me feel like its all my fault for every little conflict and made me question my sanity, like am i not normal, should i seek help ... its hard to deal with that one side is always right, best version there could possibly be and there is no need to change anything and other side constantly feeling like there is something wrong with and must change something.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to let it out… it doesn’t matter where or with who. If this is your outlet, we are all here. We are going through the same or are getting through it. Break ups are insanely hard on the body and mind…. I know you miss her. I miss my partner too… but we cannot force them to be with us, even if we’re awesome and they’re missing out on an amazing person…
They know. But something isn’t right .. whatever that is, is different for all of us.
I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is no shame in talking about 🙏🏼 Let it out, tell us what happened and most of us will answer back. Because we know that it hurts and we know that there’s always a story… I hope you begin to feel better as the days pass. Don’t rush into conclusions. Just take it easy and try to begin rebuilding your life and also, don’t hold your breath for her. Just send her love and light and wish her the best. If she’s yours, she will come back and no one else can make the decision to try again besides you two. Fuck what anyone says, YOU call the shots. But don’t get stuck,. Heal, learn and if she doesn’t come back, then at least you’re building your life up without her. And you’ll be okay… trust me. You’ll be good ❤️
It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. Either accept it or leave. There’s no in between unfortunately. You won’t get any warmth from a broken boiler!!!!!❤
This is probably one of the best videos on this topic that I've seen across the TH-cam platform. It's one thing to inform and validate people, it's a completely different thing to educate and put "tools in the toolbox" for those wanting to improve themselves and their relationships (whether it's current or future). Thank you for this.
I don't comment often but damn you really hit the nail on the head for me and my relationship of nearly 6 years that just ended 2 months ago. I have zero faith in relationships succeeding at all and truly believe it is just a matter of time until two individuals fail each other. Many couples look great from the outside but literally no one else knows how it really is except the two together. I constantly focused on flaws, always felt that gifts i received weren't necessary, shut myself down and called it my way of processing thoughts/dealing with anger leaving her feeling neglected/fearful/unloved and wondered if something else better was out there. Add to that I have zero confidence I CAN change for the better and am honestly happier/stress free being single, I think things will be like this forever.
fa
Thank you so much for this information! My partner and I have been together for 8 years, we have kids together, and we are going through a very difficult time and I've been concerned about him leaving the relationship even though I want to fight for it still. I have a more anxious attachment style so I don't readily understand how my partner operates, even though I love him deeply. I've been binge watching your dismissive avoidant videos and it is making a WORLD of difference!!! My eyes are being opened to so many things. I feel more hope, understanding, I'm not personalizing stuff so much, and have more ideas of what to actually do. Thank you so, so, so much for this free content! 💓 You are changing lives!
Also try healing your anxious attachment. Focus on yourself too.
I am a fearful avoidant and I have some of these traits. (#1 and #3.). I've dated mostly DAs bc we seemed to have so much emotionally in common until the attachment phase. Then they need to take a ton of space to regulate, which scares me to death because I was told I was "too much" as a child. This neurosis is also activated with how DAs feel "relational burn out" faster than other attachment types. It tells me I am "too much."
Conversely, when I attach I become afraid and need extra reassurance bc the fear is so great. The DAs run away more and try to tell me I'm unreasonable. That attachment style has broken my trust (kryptonite for an FA), so as soon as I see DA tendencies, I run away. If someone says, "I like a lot of space," "relationships are not a priority for me," "I like spending a lot of time alone," "I need ME time a lot," I don't even try to get to know them anymore it's so traumatic.
It's all a learning process of what is best for you.
You could also study astrology. Then you will be able to read the person within 10 minutes of meeting them and identify their attachment style much quicker.
Couldn’t have said it better myself! ❤️🩹
It is hard, I tried to be positive, but watching this make me feel like you need to be professional to handle them, any minute in life you do not know if you will trigger them.
Become secure yourself and find another secure.
Best advice yet ❤
Exactly
Stop trying to force things to work with people who are not relationship/marriage material. Too many people out here! Move forward yall! Dont become the therapist in the relationship
As an Avoidant, this video is incredibly helpful, I’d really love to know how my ADHD is related to my relationship style, do you have any videos about this?
Mind blown. If someone wants to change and understands themselves it may be an uphill battle but can always become easier with someone that supports the journey of working together.
more than 2 months now since we last had contact and my avoidant ex broke up with me. reason for it was only because i was trying to save and improve our relationship the 2nd time around by having open communication, discussing our past issues and having transparency but instead of having this heart to heart conversation, he felt like i was “attacking” him and it was easier to lose me than to work on what we had because as per him he was too “toxic.”
even though what he did was so painful, there’s still a part of me that wishes he would come back and is still holding on to him.
i wish i could just forget him.
Girl same
I have to keep reminding me that healing is not a linear process but it won’t get any better who doesn’t want to do the bare minimum to communicate just the same way he did from the START .
He was the toxic one. It is hard to not hold on but the only way forward is to throw it away just like he did to you
You will. Give it some time and be gentle with yourself.
@@jazz2313thank you for this comment. That’s all I asked for was the bare minimum. For things to be as they started bc I noticed he was pulling away and he ended up ghosting me altogether. He left me beyond confused.
The avoidant I knew was the golden child in his family. There was no wound of abandonment. He had every need met and then some.
Yeah I can’t do lying. Once someone is caught in a lie my antennas go up.
My ex a beautiful woman detested lying and was on watch for it only she didnt see her lies intentional word manipulation etc.
@@1DEFEND lots of people are hypocrites unfortunately
@@sj3969 Fer sure
@@sj3969 a sad reality it is
Great video, but I gotta be honest. It seems exhausting to have to keep doing all these things. I guess it’s a matter of striking the unique balance of 1) loving someone and not giving up on them/that real love vs 2) knowing when the relationship is no longer serving you bc it’s hurting you to stay and the other person doesn’t want the change or isn’t showing up (fighting) the way you need them to. Hard to see the wins in this, but I know it exists. Maybe it is best to just best to walk away…
You're right.
When you realize the pain caused by staying in a relationship more than the pain of breakup.
Only then we think of moving on and not giving another chance.
Can't deal with my DA anymore. He thinks everything is fine the way it is... no commitment, bad communication, inconsistent behavior, prioritizes his family, not me, can't talk about issues (just closes up and doesnt want to hear it) its awful!! Did this for 6 years... I'm done! NC now for 2 days and told him bye.
I am the Atlas of my world; I support everyone in my world. If I could fit into my world, my responsibilities would crush me; I have to be bigger than that. Consequently, I don't fit into the world I support. I'm 61, the father of five, grandfather of nine and the oldest of thirteen siblings. Our parents are dead. I own the company. I solve the problems. I make it happen. I'm here for all of them. The next time you see a picture or a statue of Atlas, look in his eyes. Atlas is lonely.
I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style because I have to be bigger than that.
Hi Thais! Could you please do a video on when an avoidant really tries in a relationship - like these are indicators that they're trying to break out of their comfort zone and open up?
Hey there, I was scrolling through my feed just now and saw a video from Thais titled 6 Clear Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Likes You. I liked your comment hours earlier so it reminded me of it.
I know it’s not what you’re truly asking for, but if you haven’t seen it yet perhaps it’ll be helpful and hit on some effort indicators!
@@JJ-hi1fw Thank you very much for the suggestion! I searched for this and it brought out a few other really good videos on the topic as well. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond 😊
You want them to show up.
You say it in the perfectly scripted way as if you were a therapist.
They feel attacked.
They are confused and hurt why their breadcrumbs arent enough.
The only way you get anything is to praise them incessantly.
I had to leave a life long best friend in realizing that what you said is just still me giving my all, for nothing. 🥺💌
@@Jrv661I had to do same, saddest thing that ever happened to me, but I had to leave to reclaim sanity and self-love.
Wish we could support each other in an online group
@@caroliendeherder7713 we can, we can organize one
When was the last time you enjoyed being criticized by your partner? Try asking for more of what works. Things like “when you call me during the day, it makes me feel so loved!” And then be patient. It will take a lot of encouragement and reminders for them to change, even a lottle
"Childhood emotional neglect acts as a catalyst for wounds, impacting adult relationships."
What gets me about this is were still the one having to do most of the work, having to change how we operate, on top of trying to heal/work on ourselves. I couldn't do it all and ended up having an emotional breakdown. I just kept trying and giving and was exhausted. His flaw finding felt cruel and abusive. My emotions and sense of self was in tatters! He wouldn't let anything go and was still punishing me for my past two years later, even though he wasn't a part of my past! Soul destroying.
I totally agree, I have found these videos really helpful for my own healing and for understanding the dynamics but I feel like using terms like "flaw finding" or "deactivating" doesnt even come close to describing how abusive and heartbreaking it is to be in a relationship with someone who, one minute loves you and the next minute treats you with disgust for having an emotion or wanting connection. It is honestly beyond twisted and sick, with my ex he could be so caring one minute and the next laughing in my face while Im crying because he told again that he doesnt want to be with me, right after weve been closer and more intimate than ever before. Constant punishment and being gaslit out of your feelings.
@@e.morrissey5129 well now we have to focus on ourselves, I for one am making myself my new priority. I wish you peace and happiness 😊
Thank you Thais, for all your videos. They are very helpful.
Better to be alone than in bad company.
I’d rather move on and toward the possibility of finding something healthy.
Its over for me. Because i cant love him anymore what he did. He has zero ability to understand someone's emotions. Last time when we talk i told him i can't trust him again because he isn't giving me reassurance that he does love me but he wanted to get intimate with me and i wasn't ready for that but he insists for it. That moment i felt like does he only love my body? Did he ever loved me ? I felt traumatised. I would never ever gonna love him back. I hope he just forget me forever.
You should look into healing your own attachment style. ❤
That's my nigga!! That's right!! 👍
Thank you very much, that was helpful!
I'm in a 'situationship' with an admitted DA and the few seconds after 9:24 hit me really hard - I'm a really giving, generous person who wants to help. Maybe I need to reflect on this....
You should heal your attachment style. Also, if you want more out of the relationship, I would bring that up now. A lot of times people enter into situationships hoping it will turn to more then get hurt when it doesn't.
Your videos have very useful content especially for folks without psychology background.
This is a phenomenal video!!!! So many nuggets covered in such a short space of time everything you say Thaïs is invaluable. I wish I had learnt this a year ago /decades ago, but at least I’m learning it now. Thank you from my heart!
The most upsetting thing is that they won't fight for the relationship. They just don't value it at all.
Masterclass in healthy disagreement. Amazing.
This is a good strategy, but it also seems like a lot of work. It reminds me of those role play meetings I had when I worked as a trainer at the gym. Always trying to overcome objections through precise strategies that rarely worked. When I started seeking out people who could afford personal training long-term, my problems went away and was always too busy to attend those role play meetings.
It also reminds me of my AP ex who was an alcoholic and far left feminist. Despite listening to her point of view and giving her the listening ear she needed, she was constantly emotionally triggered to the point where I was tip toeing around her feelings CONSTANTLY. I couldn't even surprise her with concert tickets (her favorite venue) along with reservations to one of the top sushi restaurants in town (her favorite food) without being attacked. Not to mention the next few women I met after our breakup had similar problems with personality and/or alcohol so I ran as fast as humanly possible BEYOND the hills. It was a reminder that you should only choose someone who measures up to your standards, not someone who has the potential to.
Alcoholics are only fit for a relationship about two or years into recovery. Hope you know that one now.
@@Littleowl85352 yep, know that now. The drain was too much for me. Granted, I'm SA with a few DA traits, but MAN. Never again...
I'm glad you started seeking people you were more compatible and level with, because that's seriously lacking in the dating world and would probably solve a majority of these problems. (Not all ofcourse)
@@twohoursto #facts
How do you know if the person is an avoidant or someone who’s just not that into you?
I have asked this question in these types of videos for a while now. I never get an answer back on it. I feel that it’s not just an avoidance, but possibly people that aren’t just that to you.
I’m an avoidant and I have to ask why does it matter? I think if your needs aren’t being met that’s all that matters. You can mention it to the person and if they don’t seem receptive to fixing it, and that means actions not words (the other attachment styles seems to subside on a diet of words lol). They must put in the actual effort, they must make your well being their business. If you don’t see that, again it doesn’t matter what their label is, they are not for you.
@@sj3969 when describing someone who is just not that into you as an “avoidant” is to suggest that they can’t help it. An avoidant wants to (according to this) be in a healthy relationship but deep wounds keep them from giving themselves fully. Someone that’s just not into you, is just that-they’re just not into you. I feel that it does matter. It’s two different things. If I’m in love with a person that I’ve been trying with and I’m told they’re an avoidant, I would sympathize and try to make it work as far as I can. If they’re just not that into me, I would jump off fast. Again, there is a major difference, in my opinion
@@chrissy_rose8052 to me avoidants make it pretty obvious when they are interested opposed to when they aren't. Same with when they are pulling away opposed to them not being interested. The way I look at it is either way, they want out of the situation at that moment and need space to figure it out. The only way to really know is by asking them.
It’s all the same thing
That is so much how I am...
My mother was in some way a toxic mother raising me and my younger sister, one against the other like cat and dog 🤷♂️
i'm sorry for your experience 💜 best wishes finding more peace & healing!
Sounds like you were raised by a Covert narcissist. I was raised in that environment too.
@@hurricaneaquatics
I realize that my mother had a borderline personality.
So for her to team up with my sister against me, was as she was a child too, and back as little girl as well 🤷♂️
It was her inappropriated way of dealing with us.
I have two younger brothers and they didn't have it like me.
My grand-dad was very strick born Catholic. And he was using religion like they were used to in the old times to raise children 🤷♂️
@@denflow7788sounds more like sociopathy, not borderline… women don’t often get the BPD dx when they are actually sociopaths.
@@denflow7788 BPD, Narcissist, etc are all Cluster B personality disorders and BPD and NPD go hand in hand and it's hard to tell one from the other. So yeah, I get exactly what you're saying.
Thank you for this Thais! I'm an AP leaning towards secure and my partner is a DA. This will definitely come in handy.
what does "Fight for" a relationship mean?
Working through problems rather than just giving up and leave which is something fearful avoidants usually do
I am thinking she means we each, individually, "fight" the wounds that tend to cause us to give in to subconscious fears that may be driving us to sabotage the relationship.
It means when women create something to fight about, we as men are supposed to engage to show that we are invested in the relationship. Men value peace in our home above pretty much everything else. If he doesn’t “fight” for the relationship, he’s trying to tell you to take your nonsense somewhere else. He’s fought enough battles for the day; he doesn’t want to come home to something that is manufactured bc you can’t quiet your mind.
@@samuelpayne5460 oh, I'm marrying a woman so thankfully I will never have to deal with that
Fighting for a relationship sounds really negative to me. It suggests that we've neglected our relationship to the extent that the only option left is to work hard to restore its positivity. Additionally, fighting for a relationship implies that trust has been lost, and rebuilding trust is one of the most painful tasks in a relationship.
"what you can do to help change this"...oh no thank you ma'am, i am not here to change anybody, i just want them to contact me one more time so i can disengage with clarity & peace, mostly so i don't feel like i'm doing to them what they kept doing to me over&over&over&over&OVER
I just sent that message. She just cut me out as in literally out of the blue when we were dating.
I asked one time what was up.
Then one week after I sent her an invitation to talk about it. And made it clear that this would be my final message. And that the ball is in her court now.
It really helped me move past. At the same time somehow it hurt her. Because I wasn't blocked before but after I sent this final message she acted like she didn't read it and immediatly blocked me...
Well said! He's been deleted, so as soon as contacts me one more time, I will make it clear that I will never be enough- that he wants more than I can give.
Lesson I learned, run from them and don't look back. Heal the damage occured from the DA and keep it mo❤
Do we communicate the deadline to our DA partner or just keep it to ourselves?
Same question.. lol
She has said communicate it, but as someone who leans avoidant, I would never want someone to give me a deadline. I prefer a more soft, but direct and blunt approach so we can discuss if this is going to work right at the moment. Waiting weeks or months can waste people's time.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant thanks so much! Can you provide an example of how this would look? A gentle but direct approach to discussing a timeline?
@@michellereneetaylor7679 I would nix the whole time-line thing all together honestly. I'm not the professional, but just speaking as a human who knows how I'm comfortable being spoken to and timelines sound too ultimatum-like. So let's say you are having the "What are we?" conversation. Here's an example..
Her : Can I ask what you're looking for with us? I just want to make sure we're on the same page before we go any further.
Him : I love you, but can't do a serious relationship right now so I just want to keep it casual.
Her : Okay, I understand that. It sounds like we want different things and that's okay, but if I stay in this, only one of our needs are getting met so it's probably best we stay friends."
That's just an idea. I actually had this conversation with someone lol. He had a hard time letting go but still couldn't offer me what I needed to stay. He is still reaching out to this day.
Honestly, I had to be prepared to lose my ex is is more avoidant than I am and I think that's the hardest part for people. Putting love over their needs and being afraid that if they speak up, it could bring unfavorable results. The thing is, I chose myself and it was the best move I ever did. If they want what you want, they will stay. Sometimes they even want it, but are too afraid and I understand. I just can't live in silence or anxiety for anyone. It's not worth it.
Absolutely incredible, beautiful, powerful woman..💐💐💐
This is fascinating. I didn't know what a DA was until I started studying this after getting dumped by one out of the blue two months ago. It was a great long distance relationship with an eye toward me moving to her city later on. Out of nowhere she left because she was predicting my future emotions thinking I would resent a LTR with her because I wasn't single very long when we met and it was all becoming 'forced.' Flaw-finding! And it sounds like her mother was cold an unloving with her as a kid. I was completely floored when she ended it in a very abrupt, aloof manner but it's making sense to me now. All this happened after the attachment phase.
Interesting..i would consider myself an avoidant from your definition.. but the thing is i never felt deprived as a child for attention. My parents divorced when i was in the 2nd grade but my brother was 18months older than me & my father got us every weekend & mom was great.. i had plenty friends & really was always a busy outdoors kid.. im curious where that personality type came from with me.
I had to dig deep to think about this for myself too. Maybe adult you thinks you were okay as a child, but back then the initial divorce affected you. Also, you can turn avoidant from other areas in life romantic partnerships. My first couple of serious relationships were with anxious men and my goodness it turned me off. My avoidant side came right out and I've only dated SA/DA men since.
#2 the expecting relationships to be “Easy” can also be due to having been “Spoiled” aka stifled and even suffocated by an over bearing parent and also furthered by so much media “perfection” being displayed instead of people being more real on even these videos…plastic faces not a practicing what one preaches when one is teaching self acceptance etc. “one sided relationships”…good good point…..giving what they don’t need…GREAT POINT.
This entire video 👏👏👏👏 thank you Thais
My partner always ran away. And did the silent treatment and one-two days minimum and all of that just annoyed me because he would come back hating me because those 2 days without communication were draining from him. When we could’ve just talked it out and moved on.
Example (1) he lost a key. Blamed it on me. (Key wasn’t mine, it was his friend). I called AAA and tried to find a solution. But he continued to blame me.
(2) he got a kitten 🐈⬛ the kitten was shy and scared. He kept saying how ungrateful the cat was and how he didn’t want her because she behaved weird. (What I did was) found her a home, of a lady who loves cats but in the end he didn’t wanna give her away. Lady got sad, I was so annoyed and this guy just kept complaining.
So long story short months later, (after a long day of work)
He comes over… still complaining about the kitten and I was like dude, I tried to help, why are we still having this conversation? He left and then said “we don’t have a future” because we don’t have patience for each other.
This guy told me he wanted to marry me and move in with me earlier those months and literally within the same week.
He said “I don’t see a future with us to be honest” and I said okay …
He’s like but don’t leave me. And I was like wtf?
I asked him to please get his stuff from my place and we ended it.
Good for you. I would have left over the cat comment honestly.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant We got into afterwards because he just left without saying anything. I had cooked for him and served him. I told him it was rude af for him to just leave… i didn’t get it. But I think he was just waiting for us to have any difference of opinion to break things off. I’m not from Turkey 🇹🇷 and I think he didn’t like that I spoke my mind.
Why would i fight for a woman who has no intention of fighting for me. Just chasing other men with her eyes! Why would i fight her insecurities, pathologies and emotional immaturity for the relationship. All this “you need to fight for me” nonsense. “You need to fight for the relationship”. The perennial “give me a baby” ultimatums in under one years worth of unstable dating from 35-50 year old childless women. Usually undertaken before a special occasion usually my Birthday as an additional layer of blackmail. What do you think would happen if i yielded to such childish demands?…..My guess is parental alienation and obligatory child support! Why would i commit to a woman who i feel hasn’t committed to me? None of it makes sense in black and white only in the milky fog of emotional reasoning!
This was an excellent video, it is very informative, clear and concise. I will be coming back for more as my wife is a DA😫
Wow your great, thanks!!!
You have literally described my ex to a tee! Sexually abused by her Dad as a kid, the father of her triplets held a gun to her head. We grew up together, were best friends as kids. Reconnected with social media. Everything was amazing in the beginning, then the distance from her started. We've now known each other for 38 years. My heart was completely broken when she ended it. Since I could never get answers from her, this has truly given me the answers I've searched for for the last two years. Thank you
She did make big progress and I didn’t even have to set deadlines (she asked for them and I didn’t want to do that) but she left right when we were almost around the corner.
I dont want a relationship, but the da is my best friend. I've learned that yes, they won't show what you need, but what I've learned is they'll show you those things, make your intentions as clear as day things will be tough but they will open up
Should i send it to her during No contact? She broke Up with me 7 weeks ago. IT exactly describes our Situation and her Attachment Style.
Probably not without a conversation. And even then, it is likely to backfire.
Only if you are doing it out of willingness to share useful information and not in order to generate a specific outcome... Or if you can cope if she doesn't receive this well.
You wont get a response. Its too triggering for a DA to receive this kind of truth from an ex. She will just see it as you are analysing her
Thank you so much for this.
These suggestions might work best on Avoidants who aren’t also narcissists or covert narcs.
Am anxious avoidant I believe and my partner is dismissive avoidant.
It’s just a hot mess. I cannot even begin. I cannot find anyone in our network for counseling not that I know if he’d even go. I have the curse benefit I’m still not sure of also being “an empath” which I never heard this term til 20ish years ago…and that analytical rude bisch inside my brain rolls her eyes every time I say that. But it was like reading an autobiography written by someone I never met. I was floored. And cried for days. For lotsa reasons. I’ve tried so much for so long I just can’t anymore. But til I get to point where I can handle living in my car I’m stuck. Never settle. Listen to ur gut. It’s rarely wrong. 🕊️
Hang in there. I'm DA and I believe my wife is AA. Yes we struggled mightily, she threatened to divorce me twice. After 12 years I'm finally putting it together and learn how to work with her. He's got to realize and make the changes he needs to. Lord knows how many people want to put up with DAs.
Thanks for posting this. Your perspectives seem spot on...lots to ponder here.
I've never understood what "let your guard down" or "not be afraid of showing vulnerability" even mean. Those questions just put a puzzled look on my face then the person asking just thinks I'm hiding something
I’m insecure attachment but my bf is dismissive avoidant and we have broken up before and I became fearful avoidant with the ppl I dated… so weird I’m one way with him and another way with other people. Maybe I am still avoidant with my boyfriend but because he’s more dismissive avoidant I subconsciously feel safe??
I would think this works the same way for FA as far as feelings minus fears and I can definitely see that part but how does the anxious play in that equation? I’m guessing it’s like bonus feelings? So if we had 9 feelings and 7 fears but then are leaning anxious +4 we have a net appearance of 6 now instead of just 2???? Then once they swing back avoidant we are back to 2? That’s what it feels like on the receiving end.
I find it so so interesting to have met a guy that is so over the top independent. Me, I like to depend on others and likewise others depend on me. Despite the extremely difficult learning curve being with an avoidant, I think it has been worth it.
My ex has several dismissive avoidant tendencies and I was willing to fight for the relationship while she wasn't. She didn't even know what attachment styles were. The last time we spoke I cried on the phone and pleaded with her to not give up on me to just believe in me a little bit and all she could muster was saying "I think we made the right decision this time. " as we had broken up once over a year ago before getting back together a couple months later. But she said "we" as if it was a mutual decision or like I had any say in the breakup.
Sounds like my ex, he broke up with me twice, both times after about 2 years together... There was a 6-month break in between. This last breakup had eerily similar circumstances to the first... And he said he thinks it's just best for us to move on and to learn from this. He said one day I'll look back and be happy about this decision. I told him I was willing to do my part to work through things, because he and our relationship are important to me and worth fighting for... but I also said if his choice is to move on, then I guess I'll have to respect that and move on....
I told him I felt that everything we were struggling with was workable and fixable. I guess he didn't agree. 😔💔 That was about 2 months ago.
She's toying with you and guaranteed she slept with someone else when you were broken up. It's all a game, it's all a lie 😂
You do such a great job with these videos!
I really messed up and broke my FA/DA's trust by breaking a promise I made due to my own people pleasing behaviour and she now feels our values are different when i know they aren't. Any advice?
Yes, if she is FA and isn't aware or hasn't done the work be very mindful about attempting to get back together.
If you know anything about her past relationships, consider if your relationship is actually sny different from a third party perspective. You may find it follows the exact same pattern as previous relationships
@@niktendo2000 her last relationship is a long time ago, and she's been with a therapist for a while, she has definitely put in work to not run away at the first sign of trouble but this mistake of mines has been very hurtful for her and fuels her intrusive thoughts.
I have tried to set a deadline and he told me he can’t give me a deadline. So what do I do with that??? Frustrated and heartbroken 💔 😢
I found out much later in life that I had an avoidant attachment style. I have to say that avoidants aren't bad people. They probably lack awareness of the problem and there's a LOT of pain underneath all of those avoidant behaviors. Having said that, I can say I gave my marriage my ALL. I saw several therapists. Can I say that therapists aren't perfect? Oh my heck, I actually had one who fell asleep in our appointments on a regular basis. She was going to school to get her PhD at the time. Okay? Most everything I've learned about attachment styles, co-dependency, toxic shame, communication styles, real self vs false self and a whole slew of other things pertaining to mental health and healthy relationships--came from books! Books and NOW TH-cam videos. Thank goodness there are people out there who share their expertise! If not, I'd still be sitting in a therapist's office wondering what was wrong with me and they would sit across from me and ask about my week and give me an article to read for the next appointment. Sheesh! Some people shouldn't be doing therapy.
Do the tips in this video still apply if you've already broken up? She broke up with me suddenly when things started getting serious. Seemed perfect before then because we didn't have a single conflict. Been doing no contact for a month, she messaged a few times just "how was your week?" type questions, I replied to questions but stopped replying when the questions stopped.
Stay in limited nc, it’s never good going full nc with a DA girl. Make sure you work on yourself, give it another month or so, but reply when she messages. Identify the pain points, maybe her needs weren’t voiced and she left because they weren’t magically being met, whatever it is understand how to fix it.
Remember to always be calm and confident, never blame or criticise your DA. My DA ex was open to meet ups and chats around 2 months and 3 months was still friendly and attraction was still there. This all depends if it ended well and if the connection you guys had was special, and in her eyes rare. Good luck.
@@norswil8763 I think she's a mix of DA and FA but not sure. She was getting psychotherapy, she never communicated needs then broke up in avoidant way, and her mum left her when she was 4 years old. We only dated 3 months but I've never felt so compatible with someone in my life, incl 3 year relationship, I'm only her 2nd and longest she's dated someone... she flaw found saying we aren't compatible for weird reasons, when I questioned that she backpeddled and said she wants to be with me but is too scared of being hurt. Haven't heard anything from her for 3 weeks now and saw she's been going to singles running club. She was the last to reach out but I replied, was just small talk about olympics
@@bearface9706 only 3 months, it’s not long enough to build a genuine connection, I’m guessing yourself and her are young. Just stay in touch and see, there’s no point in going no contact other than to make it easier for you to get over her.
You have to realise that people with an avoidant pattern will not realise it until they’ve hit rock bottom, broken themselves in a substantial relationship, I know it felt special, it always starts with excitement and hotness… but once it’s gone the avoidant is too. She sounds DA. She is probably unaware of her patterns.
Good luck mate.
@@norswil8763 That's what I've worried about... I've never been this in love with someone, it felt genuine, only person I've wanted kids with even... She said I'm the only person she's had strong feelings for too but she didn't say she loved me back. We're late 20s but she doesn't have much experience dating. We had a crush on each other for 6 months before dating but only saw her 10-15 times then, 35ish dates so 50 days in person total. It was the most passionate 3 months, couldn't let each other go, so many acts of service and lots of physical intimacy and she initiated all the first moments.
I don't think she will hit rock bottom or have much time for reflection, she's very busy.
Do you think it's better to stay NC or try reach out one last time?
I've been getting therapy, haven't been able to sleep this whole 6 weeks properly cause got anxiety from blindsided breakup, nothings really helped. It's not healthy, trying my best.
Thank you for your responses.
I feel like I’m in a really unique situation here. She (DA) left me saying that I deserve someone who is going to meet my needs better and that as much as she would like to be in a relationship with me. She isn’t ready to put in the effort to make those changes.
On one hand, I’m incredibly proud of her. Recognizing you have a problem is very much the first step towards targeting it and fixing it. On the other hand, I’m hoping that she didn’t just find the right words to say so she could end it on semi good terms and then continue perpetuating her cycle.
We were together for a year, and I’ve just recently (yesterday) crossed over into one week of no contact. Again, im proud of her for acknowledging it and trying to spare me. But, at the same time, I’m only human. I love her to death, miss her, and want the best for her.
Cards have been shuffled, anything can be in the deck. Let’s play the hand I’m dealt. 🤷🏻♂️
She told me this too that im too good for which sucks because i gave up everything i had to be with her i chose her over anything but she just left me in a heart beat day one of no contact but i broke it off last sun she told me that i hope i can forgive her once she figures everything out witch i doubt that she still gonna want someone like me
Okay, well I never had any modeling for working through conflict either. My entire family dynamic was to sweep things under the rug and avoid everything. As I grew up I didn’t want to live like that and have things festering inside me. I’m still not great at expressing myself, but I have to work on it. Or just end up alone. I think that’s the thing. You have to kind of be willing to work on it.
Is there any hope for an avoidant? I am an avoidant and I can tell you that while it seems to others we do t care, we are broken and have a lot of pain, and if the relationship is struggling, we are scared and suffer terribly as well if the relationship fails. Them proceed to feel self loathing and deep regret, pain and loneliness, and longing for the other person. It’s a terribly lonely place to be…but it would seem you all would say that person deserves it😞
Therapy will work it will get easier. No one deserves to be alone in cold hell. I dont hate my avoidant ex i really feel sorry for her she dosent deserve to run from one failed relationship to another, its quite hell(( she will run trough a lot of man due to somewhat unrealistic expectations (((. I do love her sincerely and i wish she will be happy one day even if im not in the picture.
Married to an avoidant for 25years. Which other vids should I watch please? Its been ridiculously difficult.
Watch Adam Lane Smith he's brilliant