I've been there for my (now very recently avoidant ex, both women) of 8 years through things nobody else would have been and we thought we would be together for the rest of our lives, but over a year ago she cheated on me, because she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from me, although she's been pushing me away and deteriorating as person, losing herself in pills and politics refusing to go out, sleep with me in the same bed or do anything with me that didn't involve me listening to her talk about the same negative stuff I've been hearing from her day in and day out, after more than a year of her being withdrawn and mentally checked out (while still telling me she loved me and semi-frequently begging me not to leave her)and me trying to fix things I decided to break it off, despite still loving her. Within 2 weeks she changed everything about herself and vanished one day, a week later I found out she was in another country (previously she refused to travel) with a guy she cheated on me with 5 years ago when we also had problems and said she wants to be with him now, another week later I found out she is moving there and engaged to him after those few weeks together, and doing all those things she wouldn't do with me anymore and living her life instead of waiting for death in our apartment like she did for the past almost 2 years. Clearly this is some reaction to our break up, and she cannot be alone for even a moment it seems, while also not wanting to be close actually... It's been devastating, I'm a little better, it's been a month. I wonder how this goes, she only seems to have changed on the surface, but her MO is still the same - avoid, suppress, cover up her feelings... she even said she didn't even know why she did it (the engagement), that it felt right and that she's not over me... so depends if this is her "realizing she lost me" or that will happen after some time, since I've told her in letters from a few weeks ago, that I still loved her, but she's ignored it all and focusing on this rebound she's in now. Videos like yours have been extremely helpful in dealing with all this. Thank you @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Do you think, she will still start thinking about these things and miss me in 3-4 months, even when she is now in a rebound engagement our relationship has been pretty weak that last year? Seems like she's gone out of her way to ensure she doesn't have to feel those bad feelings, so I wonder if this will delay it or not? Or perhaps she will transfer somehow to this new relationship without having to really deal with those feelings toward me? I know she's been telling herself stories, I know people do that even those that aren't avoidant, I could tell from when we interacted a week ago...she wasn't fine, but she was still way more fine than she should have been for what happened, and she basically removed herself from the country in order to not have anything remind her of us or any other problems she had here. For me it's been brutal to be alone in our flat, not being able to escape, but I've been trying to work on myself.
Took me four years to leave. Love him so much and understand the wounds etc. but unless he deals with the fears vulnerability and pride ( understand caused by pain but still pride ). I can’t do it anymore. I don’t take it personally when he does his blocking. Breaking up. Etc etc. but it still hurts and creates a mess We can’t plan any future at all. And he can’t change it unless willing to communicate feelings instead of reacting avoidant. Breaks my heart I care so much and he beautiful soul - but gotta walk
The more you " heal " as an individual , the less tolerance and patience you have putting up with the " up and down", hot and cold" destructive, behaviors of the DA...Keep your dignity and self respect by putting that energy into those who are deserving of you. ❤
Wanted to add...the more we can realize that we've all contributed to someone's unhappiness at some point in our lives (intentionally or unintentionally) gives us room to be more compassionate and understanding for the other person.
You don’t need ‘therapy’. You need a good friend telling you once & for all, if you got involved with a DA ( I did so I’m fully conversant of the effect it had on me, yes had, iv moved on ), move on, learn from the experience, be guarded when someone else appears on the potential relationship horizon ( I am ), don’t live in the past or what may have been. It wasn’t cos it didn’t work. DA’s ( mine, she’s also Fearful Avoidant ) don’t take the responsibility of their own accountability towards others, especially those who care for them, at one stage. Move on, regroup & put all what you learnt into your life journey. Don’t let another DA or a narcissist come anywhere near your boundaries.
Yes I asked him to go to therapy with me and he declined so I left. He said I didn’t give him time. We were together for 1 year and 7 months. Only lived together for one month
As harsh as it may sound, people should deal with their own shit before getting romantically involved with other people and hurting them. I don't care WHAT your problem is or in what mess your emotional world is in, that doesn't give you the right to make a mess of my life and emotions. That's so outrageously selfish!
This video was so needed. My DA ex will always have a place in my heart, I can see and empathise deeply with how much he struggles but after 2 and half years and being ditched twice by text, I can’t put myself through that again. He needs to heal, I wish him peace and I hope some day he is brave enough to let someone in but I deserve more than he has the capacity to give me right now. I choose myself. I’m worth more than a “maybe”. I hope lots of my fellow APs will realise the same thing. Someone out there will value what you have to give (not saying you don’t have work to do too, I know I absolutely do, but don’t stay in a situation that’s hurting you, the other person needs to at least try to meet you in the middle) x
Thank you so much. This is what every AP needs to hear who's been destroyed and tossed aside with "ONE SINGLE TEXT" by a DA. I'm going to read your comment daily. I can't thank you enough!
@@ZhengSWhonestly I get it. I say all that but of course I’m still having moments of wondering why I wasn’t enough, if I could have done more and I miss him terribly. But I’ve reached a point where more than half of me can see logically now that I did as much as I could, I’ve been far more patient than anyone I know would’ve. I’ve been kind and compassionate but every time I’ve expressed a need of any kind, he’s pulled back. And every time it gets hard, he bails. Relationships are work, life gets difficult at times, I want someone who isn’t going to abandon ship every time things aren’t just plain sailing. You’ll get there too, just keep remembering - you are worth it! X
Agreed. When you realize you only lean AP because of the sudden and unexpected deactivation stages of the FA/DA is when you realize the only work you need to do is to date a SA so you two can mutually build a healthy relationship together. It's difficult, almost impossible, to work on or heal relationship issues alone.
@@leveen1354 if you have earned secure, a DA attachment especially will grow secure without any work on themselves. I can vouch for this as my secure best friend is in the same situation.
I love how DA’s often create the problem and the conflict between you but then won’t take accountability, show remorse, apologize or change their behavior
Mine started distancing himself from me, so I did the same thing back. He then said “I think this is dying out a little” and I said “call me.” He promised to call me two days in a row, but he never did. I told him I was moving on today and blocked him. It’s funny how he created the distance, but then brought it up.
@@themanecareactor1512 That’s what they do hence their crazy making & If you stay they make you crazy by lying, withholding, secrecy, no accountability, etc.
@@themanecareactor1512exactly I don't understand. How they don't call after they promised. I would never ever do that 😂. Is this all not real is what I wonder
Spot on they are never guilty only the reaction from the other person is the problem ,they actually can drive a person insane with their hot /cold amazing feelings one moment to you don't excist the next ,my advice run from them only pain follows anyone daft enough to stay with one it awful but true.
And it's so sad. They live as disconnected shells versions of humans, going the through life missing out on some of the most beautiful parts. I've seen the way older DAs turn out. Not pretty.
@@SkegeeAce do you really think so? Or is it just a Normal thing where they are only invested when they really want to be and we are making all these excuses for them not being invested? It’s so hard to know. The feelings were definitely there that I am sure of but to be able to gaslight and cut me off and never look back, you can’t help but wonder. It still hurts and I’m more upset at myself for holding on for so damn long. He’ll probably end up being the happy one on the end.
I think these people should stick to 3-6 month relationships and be upfront that that's the most they can invest with one person. It would save a ton of heartache!
We're romantics at heart and don't have a grasp on emotions, nor have the same neurochemistey and reward system, neurologicaly, as the ansious. It's not about honesty, it's a different language entirely
That’s exactly what I did with my ex DA. I knew within three months that my patience level was tested to the core and kicked him out. He came back crying and revealed his love feelings for me and I gave him another 3 months but then continued with the inconsistency 😅 Couldn’t help it but kicked him out for good. I still love and miss him but I have done the work on myself and can’t tolerate the BS that could be avoided with another healed human being❤ He constantly left me emotionally hungry for nothing with his selfishness. I wish he had the guards to open up and let me see that hurt inner little boy. I told him so many times “ it was so sexy when he came crying that night” trying to encourage him but he didn’t get it. I feel sad for him though 😢❤
6 years of off and on with a DA and a few weeks ago, after a very hurtful distancing on his part and disregard for my feelings, I just went radio silent. This time it’s going to stay that way. I’m done with this toxic cycle. I’ll be fine on my own.
Good on you girl! Im the exact same with my partner, and i'm tired and exhausted from the cycle. He pushed me too far last time and he gives me the silent treatment and hangs up on him, but this time i'm giving him a taste of his own medicine, and i want to end it. All the best with you x
Six years is a long time, and you should work on your codependency. Someone who is scared of intimacy will always find something wrong with you or the relationship to avoid getting closer. They'll unconsciously create conflict or drama, sending you on a wild goose chase to fix the "problem." But the real problem is that you want more than they're capable of giving, and the only solution to that problem is to either want less from them, or choose someone who can give you more.
I was so desperate to hang on to the little attention I got because I had been without for so long and may never get it again. But he had a sadistic tendency towards my pain when he would blow me off and hook up with other younger girls. He loved my desperation. Today is day 1 of no contact. I have daggers going through my gut.
One thing I know from being with a da is how draining it is. You realise that you get to a point where you just can’t do it anymore. It’s really not worth it
Being with an avoidant means anytime you have a negative emotion, they use it as a reason to “leave” oh to “protect” you bc they “ can’t do anything right “ It’s literally hell.
I felt like i was banging my head against the wall. ALL i asked for was more effort and communication, he just couldn't.. I tried to be patient but i felt so alone, each time i brought it up he would take it as an attack.
A relationship with a DA is so draining. I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells. When I feel any type of emotion, she is ready to call it quits. It’s like I have to mute myself to get along. I’m sooo exhausted
its funny that's what they say when it's really us that are on egg shells DA s are and always will be all about their feelings they don't give two shits about yours
These are the babies that were left to cry in their crib to “self soothe”. Don’t let your babies “cry it out”, go pick them up and help them so they can be securely attached rather than dismissive avoidant attached.
This statement includes the misunderstanding that your ex will recognise that he is the one who is at fault when relationships break down. He won’t. He will blame the other person. My adopted schizo DA sister of 60 years has done this for minimum 54 years of adult life. Zero friends, multiple relationships & multiple relationship break ups as guys got wise to her destructive nature. Failed marriage. Had an abortion in early 20’s which is the highest form of taking the life of another with zero consequences in law. Your better way of coming to terms with your experience is to move on, apply all your experience to every person who comes into your life from now on. Be guarded. The Word of God ( student of 29 years ) instructs us to guard our heart in many scriptures, especially Proverbs 3:5. Grow & learn to be able to evaluate other people, also, evaluate your own heart & see if indeed you yourself are right with God. No one can be right in their conduct & relations towards others until they are in right standing with God in Christ.
I like she doesn't use no-contact to get your ex back. Seriously, they DUMPED YOU! They don't want you anymore. The reason and explanations they gave you do not matter. As for myself, I was in a 16-year relationship. I got dumped on December 28th, 2023. I embraced that it was over in mid-January. It's been nearly two months. I feel hurt and depressed. However, I know I’m making a better life without him in any way, shape, or form. The cost of them dumping me is they will never feel my presence in their life ever again. That should be your cost too. I’m rallying my inner strength, focusing on making myself and life better-without them. If a breakup hurt you, keep going. Don’t stop. Now is not the time for you to stop. I hope when you read this, it lights a fire inside you, and you love and appreciate yourself more and more with every day that passes. You maybe by yourself but you're not alone.
Notice how selfish they are that even after the breakup, they miss the services you provided SO they never miss you as a person. Call it divine intervention that god loved you enough to remove you from this toxic situationship. Count your blessings and light a candle for the poor new victim who is now taking all the abuse !! This is not called avoidant attachment. It is called avoidant DETACHMENT ! Stay far away from these entities.
I release the need to prove my worth to ppl who are avoidant. I release all wounds I carry that attracts me to toxic relationships. I am content and all is well.
Comforting to know they at least think about the relationship and breakup. Ive never experienced something so abrupt and non sensical. Havent heard a word in 8 months either.
Abrupt and nonsensical, exactly. Everything was fun and building toward something real. Then we made love. She ran, citing the possibility that we might disagree on spirituality in the future.
I’ve only dated a female dismissive avoidant once. Believe me they are not worth it. They are very close to a narcissist in their behaviours. A lot of them are serial cheaters . And my ex avoidant cheated on every one she dated . They also seem to devalue you by picking on your flaws over time.
Yup, exactly. Too many crossover traits with narcissism. This started to emerge with the DA I dated for 9 months. She eventually started revealing things about herself that confirmed textbook DA, so I took the next opportunity (misunderstanding/disagreement) as an excuse to let her go. I know for a fact that I dodged not just a bullet, but an eventual full on barrage of artillery.
I was monkey branched by a female DA. I recall the devaluation phase started after I got annoyed as she mentioned how an ex fwb had been texting her and I was like - why are you telling me this? From that day on she started to deactivate, devalue me, fault-find, stone wall. However she then asked me to move in with her and said she was looking forward to meeting my parents - I figured things must be OK in that case. 2 weeks later she dumped me and with hindsight I think she had started sleeping with another guy 2 weeks before dumping me. Worst dating experience of my life. DAs never again!
That's the biggest instinct i could never shake about my DA.....The instinct that she was shady as fuck...She was always insecure that i was cheating on her and it only made me realise she worries so much about that because she knows what she's like herself....Its' true what others say about DA....They are just another branch on the narcissistic tree....She would be kind and loving and amazing for weeks and then suddenly over the slightest thing or even just over her own imagination would completely end everything...I strongly think there's also a big cross over between DA's and bi-polar disorder.
Run! And run fast! I brokeup with a DA on Christmas day. Out of the blue ghosting me for days. Not even sending a message "hey, merry Christmas". OUTTA THE BLUE! You end up feeling like crap. Like you're worth nothing.These ppl are heartless. Mean. Petty. Totally disagree that they don't do it on purpose. They do. They're adults. They can see you're hurting. They just don't care. I despise these ppl.
Sounds like you were dealing with a narcissist. Most narcissist are DAs but not all DAs are narcissist. Meaning narcissist actually have malice and are at an extreme level.
My ex did the same for my birthday. No contact, no nothing I’m enjoying myself in NY having a great time and I wake up to “happy birthday” I was so annoyed.
I was in a relationship with an avoidant for 2 years (minus a few months worth of being iced out so I guess I should call it a situationship). It really was like dating smoke and mirrors...rather than a vulnerable, committed, transparent, "all-in" connected human being. It was like she viewed our dynamic like a poker game... always hiding a few cards in her back and always needing to have the upper hand. With perspective now, there's no way how she operated can lead to what she claims she wants in a relationship. There were walls and disconnect on the regular. While it's tempting to feel I wasted alot of 2 years that could have been spent on raising my own value as a man, I am proud of myself for at least taking a stand and putting an end to her games before 2 years became a lifetime.
Preach it, brother. 3 wasted years here, and I'm too damn old to find another. Unfortunately I fell for my DA's line of BS, thought she'd come back around to being the tender and affectionate woman she was when we were dating, and married her. A year and a half after that she gave me the "I'm Just Not Haaaaappy" speech, moved out and divorced me.
Man I went through the same thing but for a year and half. These type of people do not want to grow and are miserable people who try to bring you down to their level with negativity. They have a lot of issues they need to sort out themselves before dating anyone but they can’t do that. Always need to date someone and they do not realize they are causing chaos out here on healed individuals by putting them through trauma
It was a very short dance of drawing me in, talking in circles, and pushing me away. I sent a message that I believed we were on different pages, and wished him well. A week later I got the “I was thinking about you” message that may have drawn me back if I hadn’t already done the work I needed to do on myself. I smiled and just hoped it was good thoughts, n kept moving forward in life. I’m not a yo-yo nor an item to place on a shelf and be ignored 😊 Life is good, and I hold no ill will towards anyone
As someone who was with a DA for 10 years it was despairing to see how easily they cut me out of their life and withdrew 100% and became a literal stone wall. This video was eye opening and helped me balance my scales
Omg amen. This stuff is seriously life changing. 12 years of not understanding how at the drop of a hat she can just walk out of my life and the moment I walk away then she wants back in
@@NNV337 I had something similar happen but it was a stranger on Reddit. I hope you can recover from the severed bond. It’s tragic but i hope you make it through as a more intelligent and stronger person
After 8 years and being at the peak of our relationship we had one very even row and she disappeared forever. Complete stonewall and absolute refusal to explain anything. She also said I was her best friend and she still loved me, but also that she wanted no more contact. Biggest head-f ever! It's been tough. 3.5 months in.
This happens over and over. He said he loved me and i did everything i possibly could to understand and reasssure. Im 62 years old, I dont have the time left in my life to do this and watch my life with someone who only recriprocates when his needs are being met sllowly tick away. When it comes to my needs im suppose to be a rock and not have any or its always my fault if i have any expectations. Its a horrible way to live.
Im so happy to see that im not the only one who experienced a discard, They acted like it was nothing.. they didnt want to discuss my feelings, felt like i was talking to A WALL
Anyones else ex DA say "you keep over thinking stuff" when in trute i was being vunrable n speaking my truth, but it triggered them n they blame you then shut down 😒
Agreed - I too was always told I was “overthinking everything” and “don’t think too much” when I was expressing how I felt and being vulnerable to them and was always dismissed. I’ve learned they really don’t care how you feel or when you’re vulnerable with them - they just want the superficial fake interaction. I foolishly believed at one point that they loved me when they said it initially a lot but realized they were just saying the words and not backing up by their actions.
Yesterday he told me I was taking everything too seriously to dismiss my concerns about him being inconsistent, not following through his promises and his absence. He'll text me once and then vanish leaving my response on delivered.. it's 14 hours and it's still on delivered.. So, I decided to take him as a joke from now on..!!
I unexpectedly ran into my avoidant ex who had “broken up” with me by ghosting me several months ago….he avoided me (lol), didn’t even make eye contact. So hurtful but I thank God for saving me from the bigger hurt of being in a relationship with him
Being left by avoidant was one of most hurtful experiences I ever went through. At the time unfortunately I had no knowledge whatsoever about attachment styles. We are in no contact for 6 months. Today is particularly hard since it is her birthday.
@@sharx7781 Thank you, I appreciate it. I am much better, despite having some bad days from time to time when memories resurface and still missing her.
@@sharx7781 I definitely do. I changed a lot and made so much progress on all areas of my life already. Getting to know attachment theory and finding this channel was life changing. Hope you are dealing with it as best as you can as well!
All the investigation of mine points to everything that you said. The sad thing is, is that the ego/fear/old pain is so big that they can’t look and face themselves that they can actually be wrong. These types of people want to look good in front of everyone.
My ex DA changed her image n putting a front on tiktok No contact is hard. I know she's talking to other guys on snap So I don't want to take the breadcrum "when" she comes back cos she did once n made the break up again all my fault 😏
Dismissive avoidance have no soul, they have no remorse for anything they do to you, terrible people and I hope I never meet another one again in my life
Thank you so much for your video. My partner of 6 years decided to leave the relationship and her behaviors sounded like text book avoidance. She had a lot of trauma from her childhood and that had a huge impact on our relationship. Sadly, after all the love and support I gave her she decided to give all up. I experienced all of those things you talked about. It was like she thought ‘I may as well give up as it won’t work out anyway’. I related to most of what you’ve talked about.
It's an inverse relationship dynamic after a breakup. Immediately after, the DA holds immense power over you by way of their ability to disconnect so suddenly and in such a cold, heartless way. But as the months pass and you get stronger physically and mentally and build yourself up, you'll realise you don't need those ungodly creatures. They're deeply flawed and not good enough for you.
@@TheConquest88 they need to check themselves before engaging in a relationship with others knowing they have all these issues. I wouldn't dump my issues on someone else knowingly. Expect the same from others.
@@Oceansta yes I agree, they do need to do their healing work, like most of us do. But the reality is that when entering relationships people are either a) unaware of attachment styles and this whole world of psychology and relating or b) are unwilling to do that work unless they find themselves suffering deeply. In any case, from my experience as well, people will go into relationships unaware of these issues and only work on them when they realise they have them. Not the other way around, unfortunately.
As hard as it is, and boy its hard, the guy suffers so differently, it hits deep but that's when you dig deep, you go no contact, resist all temptations and the emotional urge to reach out, because you miss her. Instead give space, for her but more importantly, for you. Build YOU. If it's meant to be, the universe will work with you. I'm into 12 weeks no contact from the love of my life, well thats what I believe and truly feel, so its hard. Stay strong peeps !!
Dealing with the very same thing. Thought he was going to be my future husband. Although there were good times, the bad outweighed the good. And it's hurts so bad. I'm doing no contact for a month now and hoping for better days. Because I deserve better.
Found love, or thought I did. Ran into this type of person. They gaslight, manipulate, cheat, avoid any responsibility. After crying out for all the time I wasted and I wasn't chosen, okay. Realize. This is a moment in your life. Endure the pain and hurt alone. Don't walk into another train wreck of a relationship before you fix your outlook on your life. Disrespect in any form should always be met with silence and introspection. They avoid responsibilities to make a relationship work. It's them who are flawed that run hide and do the dirty things. If you tried, with pure heart and mind, honest and open, you did EVERYTHING correct. They ALWAYS come back and they always regret it down the line. Nobody can forget a person who treated them real. That stays with you
Thank GOD I shut this BS all the way down. The cycle of madness dealing with a man in need who could not even take care of his basic needs. He ghosted me, thinking it would work out whenever he decided. I made him stand on his actions. These people are beyond help, draining and exhausting. If you ever met one RUN!
Yep, married to an avoidant for 25 years, separated for 5. Wish I knew about attachment theory then. My entire marriage has been "come close, go away, come close, go away, etc" . Very confusing and emotionally painful. I was blamed for all problems in the marriage, and didn't understand what was happening most of the time as his actions were often not congruent with his words / promises. More avoidance. Nothing ever got dealt with or resolved, despite visiting over a dozen marriage counselors. My mental & physical health declined over time, and I finally decided to separate to work on my healing & well-being. Was bullied for awhile, now he is love-bombing me. At least I know what he is doing, and am able to set healthy boundaries.
Whilst this sounds sooooo painful and exhausting I’ve dated and I use that word loosely given how he kept me at arms length all th time, kudos to getting him to commit let alone get married . I’m amazed you even got to that point with a DA. I couldn’t even get a text and when I did it was ripping my text apart reading into things that weren’t there
It doesn’t even work as friends. I can say from experience. Most friendships grow. You spend more time together. You support each other. This doesn’t happen when you’re friends with DAs. DAs generally only care about their own needs being met. The DA formerly in my life as my supposed best friend for 9 years knew it was my bday, knew I had barely any friends in the city where we lived, and couldn’t even send a text to wish me, let alone offer to do something with me. This is after I went to his bday with a gift, have wished him every year, and remember important dates like job interviews, etc. and check in with him. They’ll tell you they will call you to meet up and then never hit you up. I finally called this DA out and his response was “I’m sorry I hurt you. I understand if you need space.” It was completely insincere and he took no accountability. I stopped talking to him for a while but wished him on his bday. He ghosted me. He ghosted me again just a few days ago again when I wrote a sweet message to him about wanting to work things out. It really hurts. Honestly, these are not emotionally safe people to be around, whether in a friendship or relationship. I will run for the hills if a DA ever tries to enter my life again.
So glad I stumbled on this video! I'm dating a man who's an Avoidant with very deep abandonment wounds from having 2 absent parents, and relationship trauma from dating women that cheated in him. Because of this history, he often seeks space when our relationship is going really well, out of fear of getting hurt. However, he always comes back after realizing I was never nor will ever be the issue or the enemy. It's tiring and I'm trying to be patient but I'm glad I listened to you!
A year post break up I got a text with a ton of love songs. I reminded him why I left him and asked he delete my number. 🕊️💕✌️My self love and peace is priceless!
Literally flew across the world last week to be with the DA that ive been involved with other the past six months. The night I land they come over and tell me they cant do this anymore. It doesn't matter what logical explanation she came up with, I'm completely crushed 😢.
7:40 I got a meme about a year and a half after the break up. No actual message, just the meme. Like, seriously, this was him showing vulnerability?? Nope. I deserve better. Next
@@mcort5943 Oh, okay. Maybe it was a way of testing the waters indirectly, to see whether you'd respond positively to him. Or perhaps it was him just acting platonically? Idk. As said in the video, they may be cryptic in a situation like that, because avoidants tend to not want to show any sign of desparation/need. And I say this as an avoidant myself
I doubt it was an accident. As someone else mentioned, they were likely testing the waters. I admire your resolve though, at this point I'd totally give in and respond to her.
I’ve been with my DA partner for 25 years. They became addicted to alcohol about two years ago, and their true self finally started to show. I know it’s time to let go, but letting go of someone who I have loved for a quarter of a century is beyond difficult.
Told my DA That our experience made me feel that we had a nice friendship that was more a situationship than a relationship....he never unfriended me but no longer reacts to any of my posts since I told him that's how I felt and still do... know for a fact that he still definitely looks at some of my posts.... It took time but I don't care either way anymore, it's been a year.... & got myself a beautiful little apartment feeling good about the peace I'm enjoying....😊
I am a DA and this is my experience to the T. I broke up with someone and several months later realized what I lost. It was like my turn for the breakup mourning was delayed. But it was one of the best things in retrospect because I wouldnt have learnt about all this attachment theory. I can gladly say I am on the path to healing and becoming more secure which is something ALL insecure attachments should learn.
@@JA99 Yes and no. When I saw them the first time I made small contact over text and invited them to grab a coffee. We'd been broken up for 6 months at that point and they were already with someone else. It didn't hurt and I was actually quite happy for them. After I learnt about my traumas, behaviours, therapy and the mistakes I had made I could see what really happened in our relationship. I did send them a message that was essentially my version of closure. It wasn't me wanting to get back with them but my way of apologising, taking accountability, telling them (not blaming) the things they did wrong, and I even thanked her for the relationship and how things ending with her put me on this path to becoming secure. I now am more direct, deal with confrontation, connected closer with my family, and have less anxiety about life. Unfortunately, my message did upset her and I dont think she fully understood. Her response back felt like I was to blame for everything. She blocked my number and deleted me off social media..... After 4 months of no contact I did see her two weeks ago at a party and we spoke for a bit. It was a good interaction. No drama, no anger, no games. After 15 minutes we parted ways and didn't really acknowledge each other for the rest of the night. It hurts and wasn't the best feeling but it could also sting more because Im single.
That is wonderful. It takes a lot of strength for anyone to admit these things about themselves and recognize areas that need growth and improvement. I commend you and wish you and everyone here love and healing. I have a lot of healing and work to do myself. Love and light.
In the eternal scheme of things, a treasured soulmate will volunteer to be the dumpee so that yet another treasured soulmate might form a healthy bond with you. We're all in this together.
Yes, the DA is not good at nourishing themselves and they get into the 'longing' phase, however they weren't good at nourishing the relationship with reciprocity and intimacy - all the things - that would have made up a healthy romantic relationship. And that's why any self-respecting ex-partner won't let them back in the first place - because their ex requires those things as well.... so imo, focussing on what the DA is feeling in the months down the road - in the effort to not just be angry at them but to have empathy for them, while it's noble, it's still a terrible reason to continue any sort of contact with them after they've discarded the ex. Self-respect and realizing and moving towards what one deserves in this time, will offer tremendous growth for the ex to know what they want and deserve and move toward that instead. And as Thais suggests, mapping out the next phases of life and focussing on solutions to get what you want in life and doing some soul searching are the best and most fruitful ways to move forward, because you only have control over yourself, not another person including fixing anyone else
depends, if the DA wants to change and misses you, you can find therapy together or individually. dont ignore them because they got trauma's and left you for that. they dont know any better
@@michaelmich00 I second that as a DA doing the work. These videos have been so insightful. I never understood my feelings and my actions until now, with the help of Thais and these videos. I never mean to hurt anyone and now that I am aware of how my actions could’ve done that, I can course correct and learn to never do them again. We’re sensitive souls too, just on different journeys
@@michaelmich00 I respectfully disagree, they need a come to Jesus moment and find themselves a good therapist - while the ex must know they can do better - no one wants a project instead of a partner imo
@@sunbeam9222 I was introduced into the DA psychological makeup after experiencing it once and I won't make that mistake again - I advise others to do themselves a favor and do the same - it was very troubling and will take a lot of healing on my part to not be so shook - so thanks but no thanks - now that I know the DA type, I will just say, that is someone I am not compatible with
@@cornwallismorgan874i think your reply is attacking to the AP. No “healed” DA will ever speak to someone in this finger pointing way (still), i can tell this is how you talk to partners whom you feel dont “get” you. I used to lean very anxious and i tried to suggest counselling for my ex DA partner, he would disappear, ghost, keep distance and always kept me at an arm’s length. I gave him all the sosce he needed and we always went by his schedule. The relationship was light and Commintment free during the beginning, for which he said were the times he felt the safest. He felt safe because there were still no expectstions, but part of thr problems DA’s get when getting into relationships is that they have issues moving the needle. Things are alwsys done on his terms, schedule, availability. When i asked about compromising/meeting half way about certain things that mattered to me , he told me he felt like he was being manipulated. What? What kind of brain functions in a way where someone asks you to meet in the middle to compromise on something that matters to thr both of you and they tell you you are manipulating them. I feel like you are quite angry and your response a very unhealed person, projecting unto the OP when you read this post. PDS can block me if my response if its insppropriate, but it doesnt matter. This is no place to be cruel and putting someone down just because you can be. No, i dont see a healed DA.
Dismissive avoidants that don't own their problem are extremely emotionally abusive. You couldn't pull that crap in the workplace-pull a day off when you feel it's your NEED , pull that crap as a parent--some days I'll ignore you or not feed you if it suits my NEEDS After being pushed to becoming a nervous wreck by my Dismissive Avoidant over 20 years I finally left for good, now she can avoid me for ever. I actually swallowed her mind bending manipulation into thinking I was the problem. I felt like a worthless failure because I couldn't please her whatever I did .I went into therapy which helped me immensely . She punished me by becoming even more Dismissive. Maybe some people can live with such instability but not me. The worst bit is still loving my abuser. Hopefully I'll forget her and be totally free .
@bumblebee Try to see it as a valuable learning experience. DAs are attracted to Empathic loving types but just can't commit because intimacy seems threatening. Focus on yourself and self love . Don't give up let the right one find you and you'll be in a better place to let the right one in and spot what feels wrong from experience.
If you treated them like a real person and they are the ones pushing you away, they either see you as better than them and can see the break up happening or they see you as less or equal, and they run passive aggressive types of mind games. It's all for emotional and physical addiction they want you to be nothing without them. Either way, leave them to self reflect or try to avoid it. Nobody can run from their demons forever.
Its been two years on and off with a DA. I gave him one kast chance this summer. It was going so good and now he left AGAIN. I can't anymore with him. I just want to make sure I never take him back.
I have been doing 3 months of introspection while also trying to figure out if my ex of 8 years was a covert narcissist or a DA. After watching this video i am leaning towards a mix of both seeing she claims to be going for therapy for depression but that could also be a lie. Either way, my best advice is leaving them alone to find, work on and hopefully learn to love themselves in order to get over that intense fear and insecurity they have. Love and respect yourself and learn from the experience. They set you free, so it only makes sense to set them free too.
Oh my gosh. Almost 2.5 years in and just broke up probably for the final time after lying, cheating and stonewalling… I also cannot figure out if my FA is truly an FA or is a DA leaning FA… OR whether they are in fact a covert narcissist. I threw the idea around a lot for the first year and a half, but then certain things led me to think he’s not a narcissist. I am now unsure again. It is all so incredibly painful.
If she ever comes back make her show you the invoices and time stamps. These people always act like they are going to get help and do the work... they rarely ever do and just continue down the same destructive path. They actually get worse and worse with time if they don't go get help.
Hey man:) Thanks for the advice but i won't even bother. She will just say she threw it away and i don't believe she's going for therapy at all. She in a relationship nearly 3 years with someone else and the lies are only getting worse. All while she was in a relationshiop with me but doesn't know i know. I doubt she will comeback but even if she does she won't ever get hold of me and i will be long gone.
This week my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up. I have an insecure anxious and avoidant attachment style and what I found through this video is that I am actually doing everything I should be doing which shows me that I have grown as a person and I know myself a little more than I might have thought. The breakup is not very fun, but I am not devastated about it as much as my first relationship because I know the objective good, bad and ugliness from the realtionship
I reckon that they feel relief from the end of the excruciating labor of pretending they were in an actual relationship, then they savor the fawning feelings of limerance, fantasizing that they actually loved someone who loved them.
Axious-attachment style here. If you’re watching this vid looking to give/receive and excuse for the DA. Don’t! let them gooooooo! stop searching for a reason why they will not EVER meet you half way. These DA that won’t heal will never be a healthy partner. Seek therapy , heal, and be the best version of yourself.
I had a wild ride with a DA that lasted for 9 months. She meet my parents for the first time. Everything was going good. Next thing I know I get the let’s break up text. I’m over the relationship now but the entire situation still lingers in my mind 9 months later
I just want to say thank you for the hours of brilliant insight and content! My DA started ghosting me early last month, and our period of no contact began. In that time I discovered your channel and learned terms like DA, FA, and AP. I watched your videos nearly everyday and saw sooooo many parallels with her behavior. Then sure enough, just two days ago, and 7 weeks into no contact, she finally texted back. Her rude tone and slow responsiveness is still insufficient for my needs, but it’s a start. Anyways, you predicted this to a tee. I’d give you the damn Nobel Peace Prize if I could haha
Sounds like whoever she monkeybranched to did not work out so she figured she’d contact you back for validation and more of her potential abuse if you let her back in your life.
Would you be able to do a video about how to spot a dismissive avoidant when you first meet them? The traits, the signs, the familiar words they use, what distancing behavior looks like, etc.
First 3 months or so seems like a normal relationship but they can only maintain the mask for so long. They start to disconnect. Text/messages/calls take longer, less personal, very superficial. You'll find yourself making excuses or trying to rationalize the new distant behavior, tell uourself you're being too sensitive. Eventually you'll confront it, and they'll deflect, diminish, gaslight you. They will try to make it seem like wanting connection and asking for communication is too high of an expectation. Deep down, you know this isn't your issue but you will bend and break to try to get back to the affection you had in the first three months. You'll try to understand, watch YT videos, talk to anyone looking for a magical answer. Deep down, you'll know no matter what you do, it isn't going to work. The DA has to take accountability for themselves and want to change. You can't do that for them. Love isn't enough. And you'll move on after your threshold, often devastated while they couldn't care less. And it's going to repeat with everyone thereafter. So if you find yourself in a sudden state of confusion, where you know legitimately there was nothing to provoke a sudden change in their behavior, run. Do not walk. Run.
There is no first kiss on a first date. It is usually a hug then it is hot and heavy after that. They come off as aloof and disinterested in you and much of it is about them. As you move forward as well when talking about past relationships, they take NO accountability for their part. The red flag I ignored is she was the other woman in an 8 year affair which was her only relationship after her divorce before we started dating, and she also said she was telling herself no at the altar and then she left because he did everything wrong and she was the perfect wife!
My tips. Block them everywhere after the second warning to them (I asked him to give me a heads up when he needs a bit of space) He disrespected this request once, I gave him another chance. After the second chance he got blocked and deleted from my energy forever. I felt all my feelings and grieved this short commitment in days... Thing is, people give DAs many chances when they shouldn't. DO NOT ENABLE AN AVOIDANT. CALL THEM OUT, then LEAVE if they don't change !!
I saw this pop and chose to watch it out of pure intellectual interest and because I do the PDS program... But it's fantastic to realize, especially with the work I've done and the fact that I've been in a secure relationship for 6 months, that I don't care what my former DA, FA, or any of the in-betweens are feeling about me! So so liberating. That's not to say I don't wish them well, because they are just people going through their own struggles. But I'm happy enough now in my situation and in my own self-security that I can just let it go.
This was shockingly insightful. I’m currently dealing with a Dismissive Avoidant and your breakdown and analysis is spookily spot on. Thank you for this. You just got a new subscriber. ❤
Good video🙏🥰thank you🙏🥰They lie and blame you for everything, play victim, they shouldn’t get married and ruin innocent lives, it’s not normal. Scared of a safe person but safe with people he should be scared of is so twisted, destructive. Nice to hear they have a soul See the truth? They need to reach out when they are the problem over and over.
When you get into a relationship with a DA...its so hard . You break up you go back you break up you go back over and over until you think you are going crazy. Cant sleep cant eat cant focus. The silent treatment is awful you jump everytime the phone beeps or texts...its awful. But now it took a major turn with verbal abuse. I simply can not continue with this hurt. I need to break it off FOREVER. Stop looking for him to text and when he does in 3 weeks ignore it no matter how hard it is. He will only do it again. Thank you for your knowledge i really needed it so desperately right now
I’ve watched numerous videos on this subject. It worries me how many of us are on the same side. Self work, self knowledge and healing is the only answer. As much as it hurts going NC, it is the best way to go. It is only the first step into a whole new better life. ❤
DA and I broke up for the third time and this time its over for good. I wont ever be in a relationship with him again because he is just not able to meet my emotional needs and grow up and work with me on the relationship, therefore im good. Im in nc forever and only focussing on my emotional needs and healing and growing up and making sure that i wont ever be in a similar situation in the future with another person. Thank you for this video thais❤
Why? They are not superficial? You were “engulfed” or you projected your subconscious ridiculousness. What kind of needs are those? No body got time for games
My First girlfriend cheating on me, disappearing on being confronted and then spreading nasty rumours whilst leaving me with the financial burden of our apartment hurt less and was easier to move on from than my second long term DA girlfriend ending our relationship bluntly then trying to remain friends whilst she coldly pretended the last 8 years didn’t exist.
It is tragic. A total mess and horribly damaging long term. No one person should be that self centered and immature. Surely nature have standards as to what is permitted to continue its life cycle.
After the 3rd discard (after 4 years together) which was 7 months was a text "I want to apologize for what I said. It was in anger and haste. I know it's been way too long. It's not what I wanted to say. I ended it the wrong way. I will always miss you. " 6:28
Fuck these asshole DAs! You are AMAZING & deserve so much better than a fucking text ❤️ I am so sorry this happened to you & to all of us who dare to love & pour into other people
She ghosted me after being together for 8 years. It's 3 1/2 months later, and it's been so horrible. I miss her loads, but this video has given me some much needed perspective. Wonderfully put. Clear and empathetic. Thanks.
That was so awesome ❤ the most spot on explanation of my 2 year romantic relationship that went from loving and making plans for the rest of our lives (we are 63 & 65) to him moving away 3,000 miles literally and telling me he didn’t want me to move to where he was. We’ve not spoken to each other in 4 months. I felt it was the right decision. If he didn’t want me with him after being together 2 years and pretty much living in my house unless he slept in his office for an early business call for a year then what’s the use of talking? That was only to make himself feel better not for me😢 I am glad I chose no contact.
Update it turns out that when he moved out of state it was to move in with his “ female business partner”. Unbeknownst to me they had planned all along to move out of state. She bought them a house according to her FB posts. The last and final time he and I spoke he said she was full of lies and yet they are both living in the same town, he is still working for her and he blocked my phone number and has not connected me in 6 months. I am going to guess that the truth lies somewhere between her TH-cam post of them doing things together with just her in the videos and him saying he only works for her. Any way you look at it it was and still is really weird. What tore me up was the betrayal but now I am considering it a blessing that he showed me the real man he is so I can move on. I know my worth and there are men who actually have integrity. Obviously this last man doesn’t. I feel like I dodged a bullet 😂
This happens to me with every DA I’ve ever dated and it’s always when I’m really over it and some time has passed. But make no mistake about it, if you go back it’ll be the same repeated issues
@@flagirl0315yep, just an ongoing cycle. I’m an FA so we took turns triggering each other. I started the running but because I’m working on myself, I stopped. Then he started more intensely. We’ve gone 2 + months no contact and start right back on the rollercoaster.
Always impressed by your knowledge, actually mind blown how one single person can understand all of the attachment style in such great dept! Im a FA, so I have both AP and DA sides, plus Ive been in a relationship with a DA before and have gone through a breakup with one! This is spot on as always!
After over two years, I am still struggling to figure out if my partner was an FA or a DA leaning FA. He can be very avoidant for days and dismissive, and is not vulnerable or communicative, but will also reach out with texts after several days or a week at most usually trying to get my attention somehow, and we have been broken up often on for the better part of the last Year. Very tumultuous relationship. He’s also a sex addict and an alcoholic, which makes things nearly unbearable for me. And after discovering recently that he’s been in a drug relapse, and on five dating sites behind my back, as well as throwing me under the bus with his daughter and ex-wife talking to them about it while I didn’t know, I am revisiting the idea that he might also be a covert narcissist. Could you describe some of your behaviors that caused you to think you have the anxious preoccupied component please?
I've been really struggling with this with a friend so thank you so , so much for this video. It provided a really important angle that I'd not considered before and it's super helpful. Of course a lot of focus on making and meeting my own needs as an AP, but this is awesome, I really appreciate.
I honestly believe this is the best information that I’ve ever heard on this particular issue. You present information very clearly and in a way that is easy to follow. Thank you. You are really good at what you do. 😊
I can tell you right now that those three steps were mission impossible for this securely attached dumped by a DA. I've been married and painfully divorced (years prior) and the sheer confusion and downward spiral that happened to me after such a cold and abrupt, unexpected dumping (on my birthday, even), I truly never thought I would ever recover. It took me a full year to dig myself out of the deep depression and we only dated 6 months. I am just now able to even work through those three steps Thais mentions here. No more DAs for me and at least now I know what to look out for so that I can RUN in the other direction. As a matter of fact, I am fully prepared to never date again. That last one cured me of ever wanting connection again.
> "... unexpected dumping (on my birthday, even) " That sounds more covert narcissism. There's a whole lot of common behavior they exhibit. Wishing the best for your healing.
Same… always dumped around bday, Xmas, new year, Valentine’s Day or any other occasion. Even when I needed him the most through other things he would dump me
What a great video Thais! Thank you so much! I struggle with idealizing my DA since breaking up. But the video helped me to see that he will never be someone who is vulnerable, reliable loving. Even when he would come back it would feel confusing, painful, hot and cold all the time, triggering my fear of loss. I dont und erstand why I tent to idealize people who treat me as unlovingly, unsympathetic and cold as he does/did.
how the heck did you just hit the nail on the head regarding exactly the thoughts going through my head after all the flings I’ve been having since I got out of a long term relationship three years ago, mind absolutely blown
Oh man this describes my parents and me! You are PERFECTLY describing our relationship. Together they really do sound like one narcissist. (My dad is an alcoholic, now sober, and my mom is a total enabler. They both come from really unhealthy families) They grew up in really terrible circumstances but that’s only the reason and not an excuse. Dang. Like dang. Im in my 40s and never really got to live… yet!
Omg. This is so real. It's awful. Being in a relationship with DA is soooo traumatic if you love life and are happy AND unaware of what's going on. But enough is enough. DA should take responsibility for their HORRIBLE behaviour and work on their traumas from childhood because they know! My DA was just so materialistic ,lazy, so under the influence of his family and friends that don't even live in the same country and he sabotaged and played out in his head our failure in the relationship before it even happened. Abusive AF
my ex def is dismissive avoidant. i hope he never comes back or try to HAHAH he taught me how to be independent. almost zero support through out 2+ yrs. thank you for reminding me not try to support and fix him after the breakup. i m more at ease.
Something to also consider. My DA may have BPD. It presents differently in men. Most men won’t seek help for any of this. It’s all about childhood trauma.
@@windysmith7367 I had to look that up. yes he does. over really simple things. also a severe - yet functioning - alcoholic. we are no longer together and it is staying the way. I cannot deal with DAs.
@@uniquedavenport yep BPD in men presents like a narcissist. One of many signs. I’ve been with a true narcissist. He isn’t that. Pretty confident he has BPD.
I have been in a friendship/love/marry relation for 12 years. It tooks me 12 years to understand that I was with a avoidant person. It helps to heal to know how it works for an avoidant person. We just divorced after 4 years. After all relations she had…she move to another country. But she always reach back after 2 years. Now I understand the pattern.
I’m experiencing the same thing with my husband. He ignores and abandons me but refuses to divorce. He’ll never change. He does all of these disrespectful things to our marriage but his fear of something I did ten years ago is too intense for him to bear right now in the present. It’s exhausting. Why do I have to be penalized for behaviors that I’ve already changed when he has stayed the same. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m definitely divorcing him. There’s no hope. I can’t get close to him. So, I’m without a husband.
Im SA with AP tendencies and i dated a DA for just around 3 months. It was all really bizarre and hurtful. This guy told me he loved me and we seemed to be doing really well but then dumped me over a text message around 10 days later giving little to no explanation other than saying he thinks we’re not "truly compatible" but that im wonderful and he really genuinely likes me and im oh so special. Whenever i set boundaries he saw it as personal criticism and he never communicated his needs at all. There was also the additional element of his female coworker / best gal pal that he met up with for drinks on a rooftop bar the night of ending things with me. He had the audacity to repost her story on his close friends - thats how i knew. It was all so weird bc we sort of had just established we were official. Then bam. Now thinking back he did mention things about her casually and the whole thing is just giving me bad vibes - like how she got him a bracelet as a gift after the easter break and how i’ll definitely find a job with my philosophy major bc he knows someone in his field (banking) who studied law (her ofc). Now im just left completely confused tryimg to understand what happend, if he ever actually liked me or if dating me was a way to make her interested in him or some other fucked up shit. These videos are sooo helpful. Dont date these people.. theyll do no good, even if what you think u have seems oh so promising.
Sorry that happened to you. DAs can often sabotage the relationship, especially when things are going well and get more serious. It's really painful when you're on the receiving end of that.
Trying to figure out what happened when it involves unhealthy relationship, you better off chasing ghosts. His loss, move on and never look back. You deserve better, much better.
Your story is almost similar to mine. He made it official (finally after 7 months or so), but by then I was already put my foot out, yet remain one foot in because I cared about him. Suddenly out of nowhere when I commented about him. Being lack of self care and empathy made him flipped and told me "stop contacting me" and blocked me everywhere except IG 😂 It's been 4 weeks of NC and I don't plan to respond to his text if he comes back bcos this is the 3rd time and I'm completely done. No anger no nothing.. No feelings for him anymore
update: he messaged me 4 months later wanting to check in. We ended up texting and he very quickly made clear that he wanted to meet up to "catch up". The first time we met we kept things casual and light, he showed interest in my life and behaved very well, and then on the second "hang out" as he calls them, i, after about half an hour of smalltalk asked him whether he had anything to say to me. He was baffled but we ended up having a convo about what had happend. This time around he tells me that he didnt end things because he didn’t like me, no he thought i was great and fabulous and pretty and smart, but he was overwhelmed with his time management and since i deserve to be made a priority and he wanted to make me his, he had to cut me off since with his career it was just all too much. He even apologized. I was so confused. I ended up tearing up and telling him that he hurt me. He apologized sincerely, said he ended things over text so he couldn’t be swayed by me, cause he knew he would be. He mentioned that he missed me a lot and often even regretted his decision. So i asked him what it is he wants now, why we are "hanging out" and he’s acting flirty etc. He responds by saying that he doesn’t see anything wrong with being friends and curious about my life… The chemistry is still there and so is attraction. He absolutely does not know what he wants. I let him know im not interested in friendship and i just blocked him on my phone a few days after the 2nd hangout. What a waste of time and energy.
I love how you mentioned the stories we make up in your mind. I was being very possessive and needed a clear understanding of how the future of the relationship would be, she was the perfect woman in my head. I hated how l was always bothering her to hangout with me but l also hated how she would rather go out with her girls than me.
This is soooo helpful. It’s soo difficult because my DA partner and I go in circles. He says he’s processing and needs time then we connect lightheartedly and when it’s time to re-visit the conversation, he believes things are fine so why bother. Just bridges all under the rug. No matter what I say - he does it again. It’s maddening 😢
Tonight my DA, after 3 years tells me he doesn't romantically love me. My heart is broken. Broken to the point, I believe i hate him for hurting me this much. Let's just be real. DA's are selfish, cold, and dont really value intimate relationships.
Thank you for posting this video! I have been involved in a "situation ship" with a DA for 2 years.. Every time we get closer, I dont hear from him for at least 4 weeks. I never reach out. I just suffer in silence. We both have agreed and he brought it up first that there is genuine love between us, but he says that he cant commit, even though he knows that we are on the same page about just about everything. He told me that I he prayed for me, but its seems too good to be true!!! I dont know of anyway I can get him to trust me! I have been so empathetic, and nonthreatening. He knows how nurturing I am. How can I tell him about his attachment and introduce him to your program? I do not want to give up! This connection is worth working on! I am trying to detach and work on myself.. Its sooo frustrating when you know that there is so much potential.. I appreciate you posting videos!!
I've been in a similar situation since 2021. First cycle was a situationship, second was a situationship turned relationship, third cycle was back to a situationship but he was talking about moving in together. I left all 3 times. If it was me, I wouldn't bring up his attachment style. I would just let him know in a casual manner all the work you're doing and you took a test to find your attachment style. I can't see a DA wanting to do this as they can't typically handle anything that points out their flaws. In the end, I stated my boundaries and said I love him but I'm not interested in spending time with someone who won't call me his girlfriend and that was the end. I stayed in it because he's the love of my life and I put his needs of being comfortable over my own. I chose me. I'd rather be alone than stay in something I'm not comfortable in.
I’ve been in almost the exact same situation for the exact same amount of time. I genuinely believe he has real feelings for me but he’s so avoidant that the thought of a relationship is terrifying for him. I actually did tell him he was a dismissive avoidant and told him to look it up online. I honestly believe he did, and I honestly believe, deep down, he sees that he is. But admitting it would be admitting that he’s been let down badly - probably by a parent - so he continues to be outwardly in denial. So many people say to give up on avoidants and, while it may well be the best advice, I totally get where you’re coming from in wanting to persevere. In my heart, I know that there’s a 95% chance we’ll never have the relationship I want. But I cling to the breadcrumbs and glimmers of hope when he opens up about something relatively private. If you’re getting nowhere doing what you’re doing, maybe just bring it up with him. You have nothing to lose. You could say you did a test yourself and, in reading about all the attachment styles, you felt that one in particular seemed to describe him and ask if he can identify it. If he does, take it from there.
@@kiruxu people can definitely want to give up on avoidants and it's tough depending on the situation. In my case we went thru 3 rounds and I loved being with him. The thing is, after starting the healing process and doing the work, my want and need to make him more comfortable and put his needs over my own became unacceptable. He's a sweetheart and was happy because all of his needs were being met, but mine weren't and I'm really starting to love and value my boundaries. If he comes back, I'd be open but only for something deep and real where we can both 100% be authentic without anyone running. I should feel like I can speak my mind without repercussions.
I feel this so much, I am in a situation-ship with a DA, and when I see you say "suffer in silence" i almost cry, because I live in this space so often right now, it is really hard on an open heart like mine, it just hurts. I care for this woman so much, and I'm learning how to cope with this.
Have you experienced this before? let us know in the comments:
thais can you make follow up video for fearful avoidant🥺 truly appreciate it
I've been there for my (now very recently avoidant ex, both women) of 8 years through things nobody else would have been and we thought we would be together for the rest of our lives, but over a year ago she cheated on me, because she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from me, although she's been pushing me away and deteriorating as person, losing herself in pills and politics refusing to go out, sleep with me in the same bed or do anything with me that didn't involve me listening to her talk about the same negative stuff I've been hearing from her day in and day out, after more than a year of her being withdrawn and mentally checked out (while still telling me she loved me and semi-frequently begging me not to leave her)and me trying to fix things I decided to break it off, despite still loving her. Within 2 weeks she changed everything about herself and vanished one day, a week later I found out she was in another country (previously she refused to travel) with a guy she cheated on me with 5 years ago when we also had problems and said she wants to be with him now, another week later I found out she is moving there and engaged to him after those few weeks together, and doing all those things she wouldn't do with me anymore and living her life instead of waiting for death in our apartment like she did for the past almost 2 years. Clearly this is some reaction to our break up, and she cannot be alone for even a moment it seems, while also not wanting to be close actually... It's been devastating, I'm a little better, it's been a month. I wonder how this goes, she only seems to have changed on the surface, but her MO is still the same - avoid, suppress, cover up her feelings... she even said she didn't even know why she did it (the engagement), that it felt right and that she's not over me... so depends if this is her "realizing she lost me" or that will happen after some time, since I've told her in letters from a few weeks ago, that I still loved her, but she's ignored it all and focusing on this rebound she's in now. Videos like yours have been extremely helpful in dealing with all this. Thank you
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Do you think, she will still start thinking about these things and miss me in 3-4 months, even when she is now in a rebound engagement our relationship has been pretty weak that last year?
Seems like she's gone out of her way to ensure she doesn't have to feel those bad feelings, so I wonder if this will delay it or not? Or perhaps she will transfer somehow to this new relationship without having to really deal with those feelings toward me? I know she's been telling herself stories, I know people do that even those that aren't avoidant, I could tell from when we interacted a week ago...she wasn't fine, but she was still way more fine than she should have been for what happened, and she basically removed herself from the country in order to not have anything remind her of us or any other problems she had here. For me it's been brutal to be alone in our flat, not being able to escape, but I've been trying to work on myself.
Took me four years to leave. Love him so much and understand the wounds etc. but unless he deals with the fears vulnerability and pride ( understand caused by pain but still pride ). I can’t do it anymore. I don’t take it personally when he does his blocking. Breaking up. Etc etc. but it still hurts and creates a mess We can’t plan any future at all. And he can’t change it unless willing to communicate feelings instead of reacting avoidant. Breaks my heart I care so much and he beautiful soul - but gotta walk
So do we at some point in time reach out
So do they come back ?
I moved on from a DA and am now in a committed relationship with a wonderful man.
The more you " heal " as an individual , the less tolerance and patience you have putting up with the " up and down", hot and cold" destructive, behaviors of the DA...Keep your dignity and self respect by putting that energy into those who are deserving of you. ❤
Manipulator?
Wanted to add...the more we can realize that we've all contributed to someone's unhappiness at some point in our lives (intentionally or unintentionally) gives us room to be more compassionate and understanding for the other person.
So true!🙌🏼🩷
That's right
This is very true I reconciled with her after 7 months during that time I did my healing and she was confused and hot and cold I cut it off
"I'm in therapy because the ones around me who need it won't get it"
U in therapy cause u the one don’t understand u avoiding u
You don’t need ‘therapy’. You need a good friend telling you once & for all, if you got involved with a DA ( I did so I’m fully conversant of the effect it had on me, yes had, iv moved on ), move on, learn from the experience, be guarded when someone else appears on the potential relationship horizon ( I am ), don’t live in the past or what may have been. It wasn’t cos it didn’t work. DA’s ( mine, she’s also Fearful Avoidant ) don’t take the responsibility of their own accountability towards others, especially those who care for them, at one stage. Move on, regroup & put all what you learnt into your life journey. Don’t let another DA or a narcissist come anywhere near your boundaries.
Yes I asked him to go to therapy with me and he declined so I left. He said I didn’t give him time. We were together for 1 year and 7 months. Only lived together for one month
You a champ, totally dude 😊
As harsh as it may sound, people should deal with their own shit before getting romantically involved with other people and hurting them. I don't care WHAT your problem is or in what mess your emotional world is in, that doesn't give you the right to make a mess of my life and emotions. That's so outrageously selfish!
Well said!!
Amen
Exactly this. 100%
I agree!
Agreed ....But remember them leaving you is all about them not you....Break the chain ...Let em catch the Karma bus 666 😂
DA’s get depressed after a breakup. Their partners get depressed during the relationship,
One line. One line and that's all it took to sum it up. Well shit.
Very well said !!! so true.
Damn I needed that
Do they get depressed ? I’d be shocked
I thought DA's feel relief after a breakup? I don't think they get depressed.
This video was so needed. My DA ex will always have a place in my heart, I can see and empathise deeply with how much he struggles but after 2 and half years and being ditched twice by text, I can’t put myself through that again. He needs to heal, I wish him peace and I hope some day he is brave enough to let someone in but I deserve more than he has the capacity to give me right now. I choose myself. I’m worth more than a “maybe”. I hope lots of my fellow APs will realise the same thing. Someone out there will value what you have to give (not saying you don’t have work to do too, I know I absolutely do, but don’t stay in a situation that’s hurting you, the other person needs to at least try to meet you in the middle) x
Thank you so much. This is what every AP needs to hear who's been destroyed and tossed aside with "ONE SINGLE TEXT" by a DA. I'm going to read your comment daily. I can't thank you enough!
@@ZhengSWhonestly I get it. I say all that but of course I’m still having moments of wondering why I wasn’t enough, if I could have done more and I miss him terribly. But I’ve reached a point where more than half of me can see logically now that I did as much as I could, I’ve been far more patient than anyone I know would’ve. I’ve been kind and compassionate but every time I’ve expressed a need of any kind, he’s pulled back. And every time it gets hard, he bails. Relationships are work, life gets difficult at times, I want someone who isn’t going to abandon ship every time things aren’t just plain sailing. You’ll get there too, just keep remembering - you are worth it! X
!!!!!
Agreed. When you realize you only lean AP because of the sudden and unexpected deactivation stages of the FA/DA is when you realize the only work you need to do is to date a SA so you two can mutually build a healthy relationship together. It's difficult, almost impossible, to work on or heal relationship issues alone.
@@leveen1354 if you have earned secure, a DA attachment especially will grow secure without any work on themselves. I can vouch for this as my secure best friend is in the same situation.
A relationship with the DA left me so confused, empty, wanting more, never feeling fulfilled and the indirect communication killed me.
Me too :( I would kill for more words from him
yup going through this, been over a month and nothing. It kills me inside.
Same. It still haunts me a year later
You can’t summarise it more accurately. Exactly how i felt with the DA i just dated and got broken up with
1 month and I'm pretty sure he's already in a rebound
I love how DA’s often create the problem and the conflict between you but then won’t take accountability, show remorse, apologize or change their behavior
Mine started distancing himself from me, so I did the same thing back. He then said “I think this is dying out a little” and I said “call me.” He promised to call me two days in a row, but he never did. I told him I was moving on today and blocked him. It’s funny how he created the distance, but then brought it up.
@@themanecareactor1512 That’s what they do hence their crazy making & If you stay they make you crazy by lying, withholding, secrecy, no accountability, etc.
This, exactly this.
@@themanecareactor1512exactly I don't understand. How they don't call after they promised. I would never ever do that 😂. Is this all not real is what I wonder
Spot on they are never guilty only the reaction from the other person is the problem ,they actually can drive a person insane with their hot /cold amazing feelings one moment to you don't excist the next ,my advice run from them only pain follows anyone daft enough to stay with one it awful but true.
What happens when an avoidant realizes they lost you, absolutely nothing. They continue on their journey the same way they did when you met them
They really do. It’s unbelievable. I secretly wish I was like them in that respect
And it's so sad. They live as disconnected shells versions of humans, going the through life missing out on some of the most beautiful parts. I've seen the way older DAs turn out. Not pretty.
@@SkegeeAce do you really think so? Or is it just a Normal thing where they are only invested when they really want to be and we are making all these excuses for them not being invested? It’s so hard to know. The feelings were definitely there that I am sure of but to be able to gaslight and cut me off and never look back, you can’t help but wonder. It still hurts and I’m more upset at myself for holding on for so damn long. He’ll probably end up being the happy one on the end.
Right
Agreed
I think these people should stick to 3-6 month relationships and be upfront that that's the most they can invest with one person. It would save a ton of heartache!
That would be very nice but they just don't have it in them to be that, honest
We're romantics at heart and don't have a grasp on emotions, nor have the same neurochemistey and reward system, neurologicaly, as the ansious. It's not about honesty, it's a different language entirely
My DA can hardly communicate basic needs, let alone having the emotional maturity to volunteer that type of information.
yes my ex lies on dating apps and says he is moving away in a month
to whomever he dates.
That’s exactly what I did with my ex DA. I knew within three months that my patience level was tested to the core and kicked him out. He came back crying and revealed his love feelings for me and I gave him another 3 months but then continued with the inconsistency 😅 Couldn’t help it but kicked him out for good. I still love and miss him but I have done the work on myself and can’t tolerate the BS that could be avoided with another healed human being❤ He constantly left me emotionally hungry for nothing with his selfishness. I wish he had the guards to open up and let me see that hurt inner little boy. I told him so many times “ it was so sexy when he came crying that night” trying to encourage him but he didn’t get it. I feel sad for him though 😢❤
6 years of off and on with a DA and a few weeks ago, after a very hurtful distancing on his part and disregard for my feelings, I just went radio silent. This time it’s going to stay that way. I’m done with this toxic cycle. I’ll be fine on my own.
Good on you girl! Im the exact same with my partner, and i'm tired and exhausted from the cycle. He pushed me too far last time and he gives me the silent treatment and hangs up on him, but this time i'm giving him a taste of his own medicine, and i want to end it. All the best with you x
Good for you. I am 4 years in, and I think enough is enough...
Six years is a long time, and you should work on your codependency. Someone who is scared of intimacy will always find something wrong with you or the relationship to avoid getting closer.
They'll unconsciously create conflict or drama, sending you on a wild goose chase to fix the "problem." But the real problem is that you want more than they're capable of giving, and the only solution to that problem is to either want less from them, or choose someone who can give you more.
I was so desperate to hang on to the little attention I got because I had been without for so long and may never get it again. But he had a sadistic tendency towards my pain when he would blow me off and hook up with other younger girls. He loved my desperation. Today is day 1 of no contact. I have daggers going through my gut.
Proud of uu. It's not easy to walk away but uu deserve more. Choose yourself. They're never going to change .
One thing I know from being with a da is how draining it is. You realise that you get to a point where you just can’t do it anymore. It’s really not worth it
I hear you. I am at that point and am now going through a breakup. I just got fed up with the pain.
It's sad. These people are so damn damaged. I feel for them, but no one else can help them but them. Sad sad sad.
Being with an avoidant means anytime you have a negative emotion, they use it as a reason to “leave” oh to “protect” you bc they “ can’t do anything right “
It’s literally hell.
I felt like i was banging my head against the wall. ALL i asked for was more effort and communication, he just couldn't.. I tried to be patient but i felt so alone, each time i brought it up he would take it as an attack.
A relationship with a DA is so draining. I really feel like I’m walking on eggshells. When I feel any type of emotion, she is ready to call it quits. It’s like I have to mute myself to get along. I’m sooo exhausted
Facts
choose yourself babes
Agreeing to be in a relationship with a DA is psychological self-harm. Get out bro. It's not worth it. Go find someone who is actually mature lol.
its funny that's what they say when it's really us that are on egg shells DA s are and always will be all about their feelings they don't give two shits about yours
Get out
These are the babies that were left to cry in their crib to “self soothe”. Don’t let your babies “cry it out”, go pick them up and help them so they can be securely attached rather than dismissive avoidant attached.
And children left to cope alone, at least emotionally.
That is what the "experts" instructed us to do. I realize now that was the wrong advice.
@@tonyalee5257 😢😢😢
Coddling is harmful too. Sometimes you need to teach your kid not to be codependent and figure things out on their own.
@@saltycat662 not babies though 🙄
I hope that my avoidant ex experiences a level of suffering so great that he HAS to get help to heal and stop hurting people.
🇯🇲
😂 wish him to meet a narcissistic. They are the only ones able to break them.
This statement includes the misunderstanding that your ex will recognise that he is the one who is at fault when relationships break down. He won’t. He will blame the other person. My adopted schizo DA sister of 60 years has done this for minimum 54 years of adult life. Zero friends, multiple relationships & multiple relationship break ups as guys got wise to her destructive nature. Failed marriage. Had an abortion in early 20’s which is the highest form of taking the life of another with zero consequences in law.
Your better way of coming to terms with your experience is to move on, apply all your experience to every person who comes into your life from now on. Be guarded. The Word of God ( student of 29 years ) instructs us to guard our heart in many scriptures, especially Proverbs 3:5.
Grow & learn to be able to evaluate other people, also, evaluate your own heart & see if indeed you yourself are right with God. No one can be right in their conduct & relations towards others until they are in right standing with God in Christ.
YES
I like she doesn't use no-contact to get your ex back. Seriously, they DUMPED YOU! They don't want you anymore. The reason and explanations they gave you do not matter. As for myself, I was in a 16-year relationship. I got dumped on December 28th, 2023. I embraced that it was over in mid-January. It's been nearly two months. I feel hurt and depressed. However, I know I’m making a better life without him in any way, shape, or form. The cost of them dumping me is they will never feel my presence in their life ever again. That should be your cost too. I’m rallying my inner strength, focusing on making myself and life better-without them. If a breakup hurt you, keep going. Don’t stop. Now is not the time for you to stop. I hope when you read this, it lights a fire inside you, and you love and appreciate yourself more and more with every day that passes. You maybe by yourself but you're not alone.
Thank you for writing this. This resonates deeply for me. I'm hurting but getting better every day. God bless
Notice how selfish they are that even after the breakup, they miss the services you provided SO they never miss you as a person. Call it divine intervention that god loved you enough to remove you from this toxic situationship. Count your blessings and light a candle for the poor new victim who is now taking all the abuse !! This is not called avoidant attachment. It is called avoidant DETACHMENT ! Stay far away from these entities.
Yup they only miss the services literally.
😂❤
Agreed - but it still hurts to be discarded with no remorse from them.
They think about their exes all the time too.. so weird
@@medecinetiziouzou6948 They are usually drawn to people who do not need/want them !!
I release the need to prove my worth to ppl who are avoidant. I release all wounds I carry that attracts me to toxic relationships. I am content and all is well.
❤
Amen Amen 🙌
You bet
Yeah. My DA has taught me to be secure. I was anxious and it was either walk away and become secure, or lose my damn mind! I choose me!! ✌️
Comforting to know they at least think about the relationship and breakup. Ive never experienced something so abrupt and non sensical. Havent heard a word in 8 months either.
Wow that’s terrible. I’m sorry. You deserve better.
Abrupt and nonsensical, exactly. Everything was fun and building toward something real.
Then we made love.
She ran, citing the possibility that we might disagree on spirituality in the future.
this is where I'm at as well. And its been the hardest breakup I've ever had to get over.
From laying in bed together to haven't spoken in weeks. Shit's nuts
Non-sensical
Yes. This has been my struggle to accept also.
I’ve only dated a female dismissive avoidant once. Believe me they are not worth it. They are very close to a narcissist in their behaviours. A lot of them are serial cheaters . And my ex avoidant cheated on every one she dated . They also seem to devalue you by picking on your flaws over time.
and your non-existent flaws
SA here, that sums it up in a nutshell.
Yup, exactly. Too many crossover traits with narcissism. This started to emerge with the DA I dated for 9 months. She eventually started revealing things about herself that confirmed textbook DA, so I took the next opportunity (misunderstanding/disagreement) as an excuse to let her go. I know for a fact that I dodged not just a bullet, but an eventual full on barrage of artillery.
I was monkey branched by a female DA. I recall the devaluation phase started after I got annoyed as she mentioned how an ex fwb had been texting her and I was like - why are you telling me this? From that day on she started to deactivate, devalue me, fault-find, stone wall. However she then asked me to move in with her and said she was looking forward to meeting my parents - I figured things must be OK in that case. 2 weeks later she dumped me and with hindsight I think she had started sleeping with another guy 2 weeks before dumping me. Worst dating experience of my life. DAs never again!
That's the biggest instinct i could never shake about my DA.....The instinct that she was shady as fuck...She was always insecure that i was cheating on her and it only made me realise she worries so much about that because she knows what she's like herself....Its' true what others say about DA....They are just another branch on the narcissistic tree....She would be kind and loving and amazing for weeks and then suddenly over the slightest thing or even just over her own imagination would completely end everything...I strongly think there's also a big cross over between DA's and bi-polar disorder.
Run! And run fast! I brokeup with a DA on Christmas day. Out of the blue ghosting me for days. Not even sending a message "hey, merry Christmas". OUTTA THE BLUE! You end up feeling like crap. Like you're worth nothing.These ppl are heartless. Mean. Petty. Totally disagree that they don't do it on purpose. They do. They're adults. They can see you're hurting. They just don't care. I despise these ppl.
Took the words right out my mouth 💯💯💯💯
DA's are just a PC way to define covert narcissists. There's absolutely no difference.
Sounds like you were dealing with a narcissist. Most narcissist are DAs but not all DAs are narcissist. Meaning narcissist actually have malice and are at an extreme level.
@@hatumahoeNot true. DAs just have wounds not a type B personality disorder. Many narcissists are DAs but usually very extreme versions.
My ex did the same for my birthday. No contact, no nothing I’m enjoying myself in NY having a great time and I wake up to “happy birthday” I was so annoyed.
I was in a relationship with an avoidant for 2 years (minus a few months worth of being iced out so I guess I should call it a situationship). It really was like dating smoke and mirrors...rather than a vulnerable, committed, transparent, "all-in" connected human being. It was like she viewed our dynamic like a poker game... always hiding a few cards in her back and always needing to have the upper hand. With perspective now, there's no way how she operated can lead to what she claims she wants in a relationship. There were walls and disconnect on the regular. While it's tempting to feel I wasted alot of 2 years that could have been spent on raising my own value as a man, I am proud of myself for at least taking a stand and putting an end to her games before 2 years became a lifetime.
Preach it, brother. 3 wasted years here, and I'm too damn old to find another. Unfortunately I fell for my DA's line of BS, thought she'd come back around to being the tender and affectionate woman she was when we were dating, and married her. A year and a half after that she gave me the "I'm Just Not Haaaaappy" speech, moved out and divorced me.
She is a narcissist, listen to Sam Vaknin
@@randomgeezer3456 I just jumped on this feed and don’t kick my ass, but tell me what a DA is
Man I went through the same thing but for a year and half. These type of people do not want to grow and are miserable people who try to bring you down to their level with negativity. They have a lot of issues they need to sort out themselves before dating anyone but they can’t do that. Always need to date someone and they do not realize they are causing chaos out here on healed individuals by putting them through trauma
Snap! 8 months
It was a very short dance of drawing me in, talking in circles, and pushing me away. I sent a message that I believed we were on different pages, and wished him well. A week later I got the “I was thinking about you” message that may have drawn me back if I hadn’t already done the work I needed to do on myself. I smiled and just hoped it was good thoughts, n kept moving forward in life.
I’m not a yo-yo nor an item to place on a shelf and be ignored 😊 Life is good, and I hold no ill will towards anyone
Bravo!
As someone who was with a DA for 10 years it was despairing to see how easily they cut me out of their life and withdrew 100% and became a literal stone wall. This video was eye opening and helped me balance my scales
Omg amen. This stuff is seriously life changing. 12 years of not understanding how at the drop of a hat she can just walk out of my life and the moment I walk away then she wants back in
Same boat for +10 years to add to my DA's limerent rejection phase with his co worker, that ripped us apart.
@@NNV337 I had something similar happen but it was a stranger on Reddit. I hope you can recover from the severed bond. It’s tragic but i hope you make it through as a more intelligent and stronger person
Same here. 10 years. Broke up over a text and that's all.
After 8 years and being at the peak of our relationship we had one very even row and she disappeared forever. Complete stonewall and absolute refusal to explain anything. She also said I was her best friend and she still loved me, but also that she wanted no more contact. Biggest head-f ever! It's been tough. 3.5 months in.
This happens over and over. He said he loved me and i did everything i possibly could to understand and reasssure. Im 62 years old, I dont have the time left in my life to do this and watch my life with someone who only recriprocates when his needs are being met sllowly tick away. When it comes to my needs im suppose to be a rock and not have any or its always my fault if i have any expectations. Its a horrible way to live.
Human beings are not toys that you can put on a shelf when you don't feel like being bothered...
Im so happy to see that im not the only one who experienced a discard, They acted like it was nothing.. they didnt want to discuss my feelings, felt like i was talking to A WALL
I have learned,they do not live you when they will not discuss,they only wanted something material from you.money,labor, ECT.
We owe it to ourselves to live our best life. Getting overly involved in someone else's drama is not healthy.
Dismissive avoidant is an attachment style frequently found in narcissists ! Be careful you don’t get the two confused guys. ! ❤
All narcs are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcs
some huge differences in empathy there
Anyones else ex DA say "you keep over thinking stuff" when in trute i was being vunrable n speaking my truth, but it triggered them n they blame you then shut down 😒
I was told to "stop overthinking everything" about every issue we had.
Agreed - I too was always told I was “overthinking everything” and “don’t think too much” when I was expressing how I felt and being vulnerable to them and was always dismissed. I’ve learned they really don’t care how you feel or when you’re vulnerable with them - they just want the superficial fake interaction. I foolishly believed at one point that they loved me when they said it initially a lot but realized they were just saying the words and not backing up by their actions.
Yesterday he told me I was taking everything too seriously to dismiss my concerns about him being inconsistent, not following through his promises and his absence. He'll text me once and then vanish leaving my response on delivered.. it's 14 hours and it's still on delivered.. So, I decided to take him as a joke from now on..!!
@@rita.s232 yeah my DA did that as well. Seems like they follow the exact playbook.
Mine was military, "I want zero bullshit." Eyeroll. You literally ARE bullshit.
I unexpectedly ran into my avoidant ex who had “broken up” with me by ghosting me several months ago….he avoided me (lol), didn’t even make eye contact. So hurtful but I thank God for saving me from the bigger hurt of being in a relationship with him
Being left by avoidant was one of most hurtful experiences I ever went through. At the time unfortunately I had no knowledge whatsoever about attachment styles.
We are in no contact for 6 months. Today is particularly hard since it is her birthday.
hope you're holdin up ok..
@@sharx7781 Thank you, I appreciate it. I am much better, despite having some bad days from time to time when memories resurface and still missing her.
@@nickus51 it's gonna be ok.., im currently in the same stage too, i understand you, meanwhile you should work on yourself too..
@@sharx7781 I definitely do. I changed a lot and made so much progress on all areas of my life already. Getting to know attachment theory and finding this channel was life changing.
Hope you are dealing with it as best as you can as well!
Exactly the same happened to me
All the investigation of mine points to everything that you said. The sad thing is, is that the ego/fear/old pain is so big that they can’t look and face themselves that they can actually be wrong. These types of people want to look good in front of everyone.
My ex DA changed her image n putting a front on tiktok No contact is hard. I know she's talking to other guys on snap So I don't want to take the breadcrum "when" she comes back cos she did once n made the break up again all my fault 😏
Dismissive avoidance have no soul, they have no remorse for anything they do to you, terrible people and I hope I never meet another one again in my life
Thank you so much for your video. My partner of 6 years decided to leave the relationship and her behaviors sounded like text book avoidance. She had a lot of trauma from her childhood and that had a huge impact on our relationship. Sadly, after all the love and support I gave her she decided to give all up. I experienced all of those things you talked about. It was like she thought ‘I may as well give up as it won’t work out anyway’. I related to most of what you’ve talked about.
It's an inverse relationship dynamic after a breakup.
Immediately after, the DA holds immense power over you by way of their ability to disconnect so suddenly and in such a cold, heartless way. But as the months pass and you get stronger physically and mentally and build yourself up, you'll realise you don't need those ungodly creatures. They're deeply flawed and not good enough for you.
Lol
Wow, you do realise they are people, like you? Plus it takes 2 to tango anyway...
@@TheConquest88 they need to check themselves before engaging in a relationship with others knowing they have all these issues.
I wouldn't dump my issues on someone else knowingly. Expect the same from others.
@@Oceansta yes I agree, they do need to do their healing work, like most of us do. But the reality is that when entering relationships people are either a) unaware of attachment styles and this whole world of psychology and relating or b) are unwilling to do that work unless they find themselves suffering deeply. In any case, from my experience as well, people will go into relationships unaware of these issues and only work on them when they realise they have them. Not the other way around, unfortunately.
beautiful perfectly stated
As hard as it is, and boy its hard, the guy suffers so differently, it hits deep but that's when you dig deep, you go no contact, resist all temptations and the emotional urge to reach out, because you miss her. Instead give space, for her but more importantly, for you. Build YOU. If it's meant to be, the universe will work with you. I'm into 12 weeks no contact from the love of my life, well thats what I believe and truly feel, so its hard. Stay strong peeps !!
Dealing with the very same thing. Thought he was going to be my future husband. Although there were good times, the bad outweighed the good. And it's hurts so bad. I'm doing no contact for a month now and hoping for better days. Because I deserve better.
Found love, or thought I did. Ran into this type of person. They gaslight, manipulate, cheat, avoid any responsibility.
After crying out for all the time I wasted and I wasn't chosen, okay.
Realize. This is a moment in your life. Endure the pain and hurt alone. Don't walk into another train wreck of a relationship before you fix your outlook on your life.
Disrespect in any form should always be met with silence and introspection.
They avoid responsibilities to make a relationship work. It's them who are flawed that run hide and do the dirty things. If you tried, with pure heart and mind, honest and open, you did EVERYTHING correct.
They ALWAYS come back and they always regret it down the line. Nobody can forget a person who treated them real. That stays with you
Thank GOD I shut this BS all the way down. The cycle of madness dealing with a man in need who could not even take care of his basic needs. He ghosted me, thinking it would work out whenever he decided. I made him stand on his actions. These people are beyond help, draining and exhausting. If you ever met one RUN!
Yep, married to an avoidant for 25 years, separated for 5. Wish I knew about attachment theory then. My entire marriage has been "come close, go away, come close, go away, etc" . Very confusing and emotionally painful. I was blamed for all problems in the marriage, and didn't understand what was happening most of the time as his actions were often not congruent with his words / promises. More avoidance. Nothing ever got dealt with or resolved, despite visiting over a dozen marriage counselors. My mental & physical health declined over time, and I finally decided to separate to work on my healing & well-being. Was bullied for awhile, now he is love-bombing me. At least I know what he is doing, and am able to set healthy boundaries.
Why do they promise amd no action?
Rather sounds like an FA
@@sterneprinzessin What is an FA? I'm new to a lot of this terminology. Thanks!
@@Maskedmen2014FA means Fearful Avoidant. Which is basically a mixture between Dismissive Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied.
Whilst this sounds sooooo painful and exhausting I’ve dated and I use that word loosely given how he kept me at arms length all th time, kudos to getting him to commit let alone get married . I’m amazed you even got to that point with a DA. I couldn’t even get a text and when I did it was ripping my text apart reading into things that weren’t there
I’ve realized it’s only best to be a friend with these type of people because it’s a constant cycle that never ends! Seems like they never heal!!
It doesn’t even work as friends. I can say from experience. Most friendships grow. You spend more time together. You support each other. This doesn’t happen when you’re friends with DAs. DAs generally only care about their own needs being met. The DA formerly in my life as my supposed best friend for 9 years knew it was my bday, knew I had barely any friends in the city where we lived, and couldn’t even send a text to wish me, let alone offer to do something with me. This is after I went to his bday with a gift, have wished him every year, and remember important dates like job interviews, etc. and check in with him. They’ll tell you they will call you to meet up and then never hit you up. I finally called this DA out and his response was “I’m sorry I hurt you. I understand if you need space.” It was completely insincere and he took no accountability. I stopped talking to him for a while but wished him on his bday. He ghosted me. He ghosted me again just a few days ago again when I wrote a sweet message to him about wanting to work things out. It really hurts. Honestly, these are not emotionally safe people to be around, whether in a friendship or relationship. I will run for the hills if a DA ever tries to enter my life again.
So glad I stumbled on this video! I'm dating a man who's an Avoidant with very deep abandonment wounds from having 2 absent parents, and relationship trauma from dating women that cheated in him. Because of this history, he often seeks space when our relationship is going really well, out of fear of getting hurt. However, he always comes back after realizing I was never nor will ever be the issue or the enemy. It's tiring and I'm trying to be patient but I'm glad I listened to you!
Set boundaries!
I've been so lost and confused since he suddenly left. 😮💨Thank you, i needed to hear this 💜
Stick to your boundaries, be your authentic self. No need to walk on eggshells.
A year post break up I got a text with a ton of love songs. I reminded him why I left him and asked he delete my number. 🕊️💕✌️My self love and peace is priceless!
Same thing happened to me I just hope she stays away
Literally flew across the world last week to be with the DA that ive been involved with other the past six months. The night I land they come over and tell me they cant do this anymore. It doesn't matter what logical explanation she came up with, I'm completely crushed 😢.
Hope you're doing better now bro!
7:40 I got a meme about a year and a half after the break up. No actual message, just the meme. Like, seriously, this was him showing vulnerability?? Nope. I deserve better. Next
The meme was related to the relationship/breakup circumstances themselves?
@@yewo.m not at all, it was totally random. I still wonder if he sent it to me ‘by accident’ 🤷🏻♀️
@@mcort5943 Oh, okay. Maybe it was a way of testing the waters indirectly, to see whether you'd respond positively to him. Or perhaps it was him just acting platonically? Idk. As said in the video, they may be cryptic in a situation like that, because avoidants tend to not want to show any sign of desparation/need. And I say this as an avoidant myself
Yes, you do deserve better!
I doubt it was an accident. As someone else mentioned, they were likely testing the waters. I admire your resolve though, at this point I'd totally give in and respond to her.
I’ve been with my DA partner for 25 years. They became addicted to alcohol about two years ago, and their true self finally started to show. I know it’s time to let go, but letting go of someone who I have loved for a quarter of a century is beyond difficult.
Wishing you well on your journey 🙌🏾
Sending love 🫶
My virtual friend, I wish you total healing and love you truly deserve. ❤️❤️
Going through the same thing right now. Also 25 years. I feel lost.
Wishing you well 🙏🏻🌹🤍
Told my DA That our experience made me feel that we had a nice friendship that was more a situationship than a relationship....he never unfriended me but no longer reacts to any of my posts since I told him that's how I felt and still do... know for a fact that he still definitely looks at some of my posts.... It took time but I don't care either way anymore, it's been a year.... & got myself a beautiful little apartment feeling good about the peace I'm enjoying....😊
I cannot wait to be detached. Once I'm done I will be DONE.
Why they just stop reacting to our insta story or post?
It's like you give dopamine to like every post and then one day you decide no liking.
I am a DA and this is my experience to the T. I broke up with someone and several months later realized what I lost. It was like my turn for the breakup mourning was delayed. But it was one of the best things in retrospect because I wouldnt have learnt about all this attachment theory. I can gladly say I am on the path to healing and becoming more secure which is something ALL insecure attachments should learn.
Did you try to reunite with that person?
@@JA99 Yes and no. When I saw them the first time I made small contact over text and invited them to grab a coffee. We'd been broken up for 6 months at that point and they were already with someone else. It didn't hurt and I was actually quite happy for them.
After I learnt about my traumas, behaviours, therapy and the mistakes I had made I could see what really happened in our relationship. I did send them a message that was essentially my version of closure. It wasn't me wanting to get back with them but my way of apologising, taking accountability, telling them (not blaming) the things they did wrong, and I even thanked her for the relationship and how things ending with her put me on this path to becoming secure. I now am more direct, deal with confrontation, connected closer with my family, and have less anxiety about life. Unfortunately, my message did upset her and I dont think she fully understood. Her response back felt like I was to blame for everything. She blocked my number and deleted me off social media.....
After 4 months of no contact I did see her two weeks ago at a party and we spoke for a bit. It was a good interaction. No drama, no anger, no games. After 15 minutes we parted ways and didn't really acknowledge each other for the rest of the night. It hurts and wasn't the best feeling but it could also sting more because Im single.
I wish my DA would come back but ai don't know if he even cared...going on 3 months, I don't know what he's going through
That is wonderful. It takes a lot of strength for anyone to admit these things about themselves and recognize areas that need growth and improvement. I commend you and wish you and everyone here love and healing. I have a lot of healing and work to do myself. Love and light.
In the eternal scheme of things, a treasured soulmate will volunteer to be the dumpee so that yet another treasured soulmate might form a healthy bond with you.
We're all in this together.
Yes, the DA is not good at nourishing themselves and they get into the 'longing' phase, however they weren't good at nourishing the relationship with reciprocity and intimacy - all the things - that would have made up a healthy romantic relationship. And that's why any self-respecting ex-partner won't let them back in the first place - because their ex requires those things as well.... so imo, focussing on what the DA is feeling in the months down the road - in the effort to not just be angry at them but to have empathy for them, while it's noble, it's still a terrible reason to continue any sort of contact with them after they've discarded the ex. Self-respect and realizing and moving towards what one deserves in this time, will offer tremendous growth for the ex to know what they want and deserve and move toward that instead. And as Thais suggests, mapping out the next phases of life and focussing on solutions to get what you want in life and doing some soul searching are the best and most fruitful ways to move forward, because you only have control over yourself, not another person including fixing anyone else
depends, if the DA wants to change and misses you, you can find therapy together or individually. dont ignore them because they got trauma's and left you for that. they dont know any better
@@michaelmich00 I second that as a DA doing the work. These videos have been so insightful. I never understood my feelings and my actions until now, with the help of Thais and these videos. I never mean to hurt anyone and now that I am aware of how my actions could’ve done that, I can course correct and learn to never do them again. We’re sensitive souls too, just on different journeys
@@michaelmich00 I respectfully disagree, they need a come to Jesus moment and find themselves a good therapist - while the ex must know they can do better - no one wants a project instead of a partner imo
@@sunbeam9222 I was introduced into the DA psychological makeup after experiencing it once and I won't make that mistake again - I advise others to do themselves a favor and do the same - it was very troubling and will take a lot of healing on my part to not be so shook - so thanks but no thanks - now that I know the DA type, I will just say, that is someone I am not compatible with
@@cornwallismorgan874i think your reply is attacking to the AP. No “healed” DA will ever speak to someone in this finger pointing way (still), i can tell this is how you talk to partners whom you feel dont “get” you. I used to lean very anxious and i tried to suggest counselling for my ex DA partner, he would disappear, ghost, keep distance and always kept me at an arm’s length. I gave him all the sosce he needed and we always went by his schedule. The relationship was light and Commintment free during the beginning, for which he said were the times he felt the safest. He felt safe because there were still no expectstions, but part of thr problems DA’s get when getting into relationships is that they have issues moving the needle. Things are alwsys done on his terms, schedule, availability. When i asked about compromising/meeting half way about certain things that mattered to me , he told me he felt like he was being manipulated. What? What kind of brain functions in a way where someone asks you to meet in the middle to compromise on something that matters to thr both of you and they tell you you are manipulating them.
I feel like you are quite angry and your response a very unhealed person, projecting unto the OP when you read this post. PDS can block me if my response if its insppropriate, but it doesnt matter. This is no place to be cruel and putting someone down just because you can be. No, i dont see a healed DA.
Dismissive avoidants that don't own their problem are extremely emotionally abusive. You couldn't pull that crap in the workplace-pull a day off when you feel it's your NEED , pull that crap as a parent--some days I'll ignore you or not feed you if it suits my NEEDS
After being pushed to becoming a nervous wreck by my Dismissive Avoidant over 20 years I finally left for good, now she can avoid me for ever. I actually swallowed her mind bending manipulation into thinking I was the problem. I felt like a worthless failure because I couldn't please her whatever I did .I went into therapy which helped me immensely . She punished me by becoming even more Dismissive.
Maybe some people can live with such instability but not me. The worst bit is still loving my abuser.
Hopefully I'll forget her and be totally free .
Well said. Easy excuse ah sorry it's my DA 😂 but im back not sure for how long ofcourse etc
@bumblebee Try to see it as a valuable learning experience. DAs are attracted to Empathic loving types but just can't commit because intimacy seems threatening. Focus on yourself and self love . Don't give up let the right one find you and you'll be in a better place to let the right one in and spot what feels wrong from experience.
If you treated them like a real person and they are the ones pushing you away, they either see you as better than them and can see the break up happening or they see you as less or equal, and they run passive aggressive types of mind games. It's all for emotional and physical addiction they want you to be nothing without them.
Either way, leave them to self reflect or try to avoid it. Nobody can run from their demons forever.
Exactly right! I’ve been with mine for 20 years
@@bumblebee74911but why people like us suffer but the abusers enjoy their game
Its been two years on and off with a DA. I gave him one kast chance this summer. It was going so good and now he left AGAIN. I can't anymore with him. I just want to make sure I never take him back.
I have been doing 3 months of introspection while also trying to figure out if my ex of 8 years was a covert narcissist or a DA. After watching this video i am leaning towards a mix of both seeing she claims to be going for therapy for depression but that could also be a lie. Either way, my best advice is leaving them alone to find, work on and hopefully learn to love themselves in order to get over that intense fear and insecurity they have. Love and respect yourself and learn from the experience. They set you free, so it only makes sense to set them free too.
Oh my gosh. Almost 2.5 years in and just broke up probably for the final time after lying, cheating and stonewalling… I also cannot figure out if my FA is truly an FA or is a DA leaning FA… OR whether they are in fact a covert narcissist. I threw the idea around a lot for the first year and a half, but then certain things led me to think he’s not a narcissist. I am now unsure again. It is all so incredibly painful.
If she ever comes back make her show you the invoices and time stamps. These people always act like they are going to get help and do the work... they rarely ever do and just continue down the same destructive path. They actually get worse and worse with time if they don't go get help.
Hey man:) Thanks for the advice but i won't even bother. She will just say she threw it away and i don't believe she's going for therapy at all. She in a relationship nearly 3 years with someone else and the lies are only getting worse. All while she was in a relationshiop with me but doesn't know i know. I doubt she will comeback but even if she does she won't ever get hold of me and i will be long gone.
@@jessd956 I agree . It feels like a mixture of all three.
I think DA woman can have lots of narcissistic traits.
I had a break point, he wouldn’t talk to me or want make things work. I moved on, now men are seeing how attractive I am.
This week my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up. I have an insecure anxious and avoidant attachment style and what I found through this video is that I am actually doing everything I should be doing which shows me that I have grown as a person and I know myself a little more than I might have thought. The breakup is not very fun, but I am not devastated about it as much as my first relationship because I know the objective good, bad and ugliness from the realtionship
I reckon that they feel relief from the end of the excruciating labor of pretending they were in an actual relationship, then they savor the fawning feelings of limerance, fantasizing that they actually loved someone who loved them.
Axious-attachment style here. If you’re watching this vid looking to give/receive and excuse for the DA. Don’t! let them gooooooo! stop searching for a reason why they will not EVER meet you half way. These DA that won’t heal will never be a healthy partner. Seek therapy , heal, and be the best version of yourself.
You are so right. They cut and run and usually have a history of broken relationships.
I had a wild ride with a DA that lasted for 9 months. She meet my parents for the first time. Everything was going good. Next thing I know I get the let’s break up text. I’m over the relationship now but the entire situation still lingers in my mind 9 months later
I just want to say thank you for the hours of brilliant insight and content! My DA started ghosting me early last month, and our period of no contact began. In that time I discovered your channel and learned terms like DA, FA, and AP. I watched your videos nearly everyday and saw sooooo many parallels with her behavior. Then sure enough, just two days ago, and 7 weeks into no contact, she finally texted back. Her rude tone and slow responsiveness is still insufficient for my needs, but it’s a start. Anyways, you predicted this to a tee. I’d give you the damn Nobel Peace Prize if I could haha
haha, thank you!
Me too. Texted after 7 weeks. But he was nice and said we are good friends. I'm ghosted again after my anxiety kicked in
I tried the friendship. Hurts too bad. Blocked her
Sounds like whoever she monkeybranched to did not work out so she figured she’d contact you back for validation and more of her potential abuse if you let her back in your life.
Would you be able to do a video about how to spot a dismissive avoidant when you first meet them? The traits, the signs, the familiar words they use, what distancing behavior looks like, etc.
I'm pretty sure she has a video like that! I forgot what it's called but there's definitely one
Mine didn't really get deep with getting to know me .talks alot about themselves.hardly any real sympathy.
Wow powerful video... explained so much about an experience I had with someone 6 years ago. No idea what ever happened to her. I just moved on.
First 3 months or so seems like a normal relationship but they can only maintain the mask for so long. They start to disconnect. Text/messages/calls take longer, less personal, very superficial. You'll find yourself making excuses or trying to rationalize the new distant behavior, tell uourself you're being too sensitive. Eventually you'll confront it, and they'll deflect, diminish, gaslight you. They will try to make it seem like wanting connection and asking for communication is too high of an expectation. Deep down, you know this isn't your issue but you will bend and break to try to get back to the affection you had in the first three months. You'll try to understand, watch YT videos, talk to anyone looking for a magical answer. Deep down, you'll know no matter what you do, it isn't going to work. The DA has to take accountability for themselves and want to change. You can't do that for them. Love isn't enough. And you'll move on after your threshold, often devastated while they couldn't care less. And it's going to repeat with everyone thereafter. So if you find yourself in a sudden state of confusion, where you know legitimately there was nothing to provoke a sudden change in their behavior, run. Do not walk. Run.
There is no first kiss on a first date. It is usually a hug then it is hot and heavy after that. They come off as aloof and disinterested in you and much of it is about them. As you move forward as well when talking about past relationships, they take NO accountability for their part.
The red flag I ignored is she was the other woman in an 8 year affair which was her only relationship after her divorce before we started dating, and she also said she was telling herself no at the altar and then she left because he did everything wrong and she was the perfect wife!
i love how you said “how do you know if you did one thing differently, it wouldn’t have ended?
My tips. Block them everywhere after the second warning to them (I asked him to give me a heads up when he needs a bit of space) He disrespected this request once, I gave him another chance. After the second chance he got blocked and deleted from my energy forever. I felt all my feelings and grieved this short commitment in days... Thing is, people give DAs many chances when they shouldn't. DO NOT ENABLE AN AVOIDANT. CALL THEM OUT, then LEAVE if they don't change !!
I had it just like you did and texted him a message then I blocked him and deleted his number
I saw this pop and chose to watch it out of pure intellectual interest and because I do the PDS program... But it's fantastic to realize, especially with the work I've done and the fact that I've been in a secure relationship for 6 months, that I don't care what my former DA, FA, or any of the in-betweens are feeling about me! So so liberating. That's not to say I don't wish them well, because they are just people going through their own struggles. But I'm happy enough now in my situation and in my own self-security that I can just let it go.
Me too!
This was shockingly insightful. I’m currently dealing with a Dismissive Avoidant and your breakdown and analysis is spookily spot on. Thank you for this. You just got a new subscriber. ❤
Good video🙏🥰thank you🙏🥰They lie and blame you for everything, play victim, they shouldn’t get married and ruin innocent lives, it’s not normal. Scared of a safe person but safe with people he should be scared of is so twisted, destructive.
Nice to hear they have a soul
See the truth? They need to reach out when they are the problem over and over.
When you get into a relationship with a DA...its so hard . You break up you go back you break up you go back over and over until you think you are going crazy. Cant sleep cant eat cant focus. The silent treatment is awful you jump everytime the phone beeps or texts...its awful. But now it took a major turn with verbal abuse. I simply can not continue with this hurt. I need to break it off FOREVER. Stop looking for him to text and when he does in 3 weeks ignore it no matter how hard it is. He will only do it again. Thank you for your knowledge i really needed it so desperately right now
I’ve watched numerous videos on this subject. It worries me how many of us are on the same side. Self work, self knowledge and healing is the only answer. As much as it hurts going NC, it is the best way to go. It is only the first step into a whole new better life. ❤
DA and I broke up for the third time and this time its over for good. I wont ever be in a relationship with him again because he is just not able to meet my emotional needs and grow up and work with me on the relationship, therefore im good. Im in nc forever and only focussing on my emotional needs and healing and growing up and making sure that i wont ever be in a similar situation in the future with another person. Thank you for this video thais❤
Why? They are not superficial?
You were “engulfed” or you projected your subconscious ridiculousness. What kind of needs are those? No body got time for games
Please, heed these warnings. I was avoidant during a hard period and didn't communicate well. I lost the woman I love.
Did you ever reach out to her?
My First girlfriend cheating on me, disappearing on being confronted and then spreading nasty rumours whilst leaving me with the financial burden of our apartment hurt less and was easier to move on from than my second long term DA girlfriend ending our relationship bluntly then trying to remain friends whilst she coldly pretended the last 8 years didn’t exist.
I love the point about prioritizing survival needs and the concept of melting iceberg!
It is tragic. A total mess and horribly damaging long term. No one person should be that self centered and immature. Surely nature have standards as to what is permitted to continue its life cycle.
After the 3rd discard (after 4 years together) which was 7 months was a text "I want to apologize for what I said. It was in anger and haste. I know it's been way too long. It's not what I wanted to say. I ended it the wrong way. I will always miss you. " 6:28
Fuck these asshole DAs! You are AMAZING & deserve so much better than a fucking text ❤️ I am so sorry this happened to you & to all of us who dare to love & pour into other people
She ghosted me after being together for 8 years. It's 3 1/2 months later, and it's been so horrible. I miss her loads, but this video has given me some much needed perspective. Wonderfully put. Clear and empathetic. Thanks.
😮
How the hell did you last 8 years? Mine dumped me after 2 months and I ain't going back. She is not worth it.
That was so awesome ❤ the most spot on explanation of my 2 year romantic relationship that went from loving and making plans for the rest of our lives (we are 63 & 65) to him moving away 3,000 miles literally and telling me he didn’t want me to move to where he was. We’ve not spoken to each other in 4 months. I felt it was the right decision. If he didn’t want me with him after being together 2 years and pretty much living in my house unless he slept in his office for an early business call for a year then what’s the use of talking? That was only to make himself feel better not for me😢
I am glad I chose no contact.
hang in there..keep no contact.
Update it turns out that when he moved out of state it was to move in with his “ female business partner”. Unbeknownst to me they had planned all along to move out of state. She bought them a house according to her FB posts. The last and final time he and I spoke he said she was full of lies and yet they are both living in the same town, he is still working for her and he blocked my phone number and has not connected me in 6 months. I am going to guess that the truth lies somewhere between her TH-cam post of them doing things together with just her in the videos and him saying he only works for her. Any way you look at it it was and still is really weird. What tore me up was the betrayal but now I am considering it a blessing that he showed me the real man he is so I can move on. I know my worth and there are men who actually have integrity. Obviously this last man doesn’t. I feel like I dodged a bullet 😂
Holy shit!!! @@penniroyal4398
I got the “I miss you.” text YESTERDAY. 😂😂 Perfect timing on the video.
How long did it take for the d.a. to realize the loss?
@@edgreen8140 47 days
This happens to me with every DA I’ve ever dated and it’s always when I’m really over it and some time has passed. But make no mistake about it, if you go back it’ll be the same repeated issues
@@flagirl0315yep, just an ongoing cycle. I’m an FA so we took turns triggering each other. I started the running but because I’m working on myself, I stopped. Then he started more intensely. We’ve gone 2 + months no contact and start right back on the rollercoaster.
@@flagirl0315not if you sit down, identify and learn what the issues were and how to approach them.
Always impressed by your knowledge, actually mind blown how one single person can understand all of the attachment style in such great dept! Im a FA, so I have both AP and DA sides, plus Ive been in a relationship with a DA before and have gone through a breakup with one! This is spot on as always!
After over two years, I am still struggling to figure out if my partner was an FA or a DA leaning FA. He can be very avoidant for days and dismissive, and is not vulnerable or communicative, but will also reach out with texts after several days or a week at most usually trying to get my attention somehow, and we have been broken up often on for the better part of the last Year. Very tumultuous relationship. He’s also a sex addict and an alcoholic, which makes things nearly unbearable for me. And after discovering recently that he’s been in a drug relapse, and on five dating sites behind my back, as well as throwing me under the bus with his daughter and ex-wife talking to them about it while I didn’t know, I am revisiting the idea that he might also be a covert narcissist.
Could you describe some of your behaviors that caused you to think you have the anxious preoccupied component please?
Me too! Glad to not be alone here❤
@@oliviajeanette1065 he sounds like a DAto me! Glad you are broken up with him, if I understood right?
I've been really struggling with this with a friend so thank you so , so much for this video. It provided a really important angle that I'd not considered before and it's super helpful. Of course a lot of focus on making and meeting my own needs as an AP, but this is awesome, I really appreciate.
You're very welcome ❤
I honestly believe this is the best information that I’ve ever heard on this particular issue.
You present information very clearly and in a way that is easy to follow.
Thank you. You are really good at what you do. 😊
I can tell you right now that those three steps were mission impossible for this securely attached dumped by a DA.
I've been married and painfully divorced (years prior) and the sheer confusion and downward spiral that happened to me after such a cold and abrupt, unexpected dumping (on my birthday, even), I truly never thought I would ever recover. It took me a full year to dig myself out of the deep depression and we only dated 6 months.
I am just now able to even work through those three steps Thais mentions here.
No more DAs for me and at least now I know what to look out for so that I can RUN in the other direction. As a matter of fact, I am fully prepared to never date again. That last one cured me of ever wanting connection again.
Ditto!!
7months and a year to begin to enjoy life again.
> "... unexpected dumping (on my birthday, even) " That sounds more covert narcissism. There's a whole lot of common behavior they exhibit. Wishing the best for your healing.
We’ve lived the same life. 😔
@@tonis8429 I'm sorry. It's awful. Hugs.
Same… always dumped around bday, Xmas, new year, Valentine’s Day or any other occasion. Even when I needed him the most through other things he would dump me
Self awareness is key when you are an adult. Its the beginning of change(or the ability to choose to change).
DOLLAR STORE SELENS CHENS PURMUNUNT WHEL FELSUTROLETIONALESUS.
What a great video Thais! Thank you so much! I struggle with idealizing my DA since breaking up. But the video helped me to see that he will never be someone who is vulnerable, reliable loving. Even when he would come back it would feel confusing, painful, hot and cold all the time, triggering my fear of loss. I dont und erstand why I tent to idealize people who treat me as unlovingly, unsympathetic and cold as he does/did.
how the heck did you just hit the nail on the head regarding exactly the thoughts going through my head after all the flings I’ve been having since I got out of a long term relationship three years ago, mind absolutely blown
They don't care about noone. Run fast away from them. Its a life of hell.
Oh man this describes my parents and me! You are PERFECTLY describing our relationship. Together they really do sound like one narcissist. (My dad is an alcoholic, now sober, and my mom is a total enabler. They both come from really unhealthy families)
They grew up in really terrible circumstances but that’s only the reason and not an excuse.
Dang. Like dang. Im in my 40s and never really got to live… yet!
Samem only just begun with the right knowledge at least 😊
Omg. This is so real. It's awful. Being in a relationship with DA is soooo traumatic if you love life and are happy AND unaware of what's going on. But enough is enough. DA should take responsibility for their HORRIBLE behaviour and work on their traumas from childhood because they know! My DA was just so materialistic ,lazy, so under the influence of his family and friends that don't even live in the same country and he sabotaged and played out in his head our failure in the relationship before it even happened. Abusive AF
Seriously effective techniques and insights. Trust yourself and let the past recede.
my ex def is dismissive avoidant. i hope he never comes back or try to HAHAH he taught me how to be independent. almost zero support through out 2+ yrs. thank you for reminding me not try to support and fix him after the breakup. i m more at ease.
Something to also consider. My DA may have BPD. It presents differently in men. Most men won’t seek help for any of this. It’s all about childhood trauma.
Does he rage?
@@windysmith7367 I had to look that up. yes he does. over really simple things. also a severe - yet functioning - alcoholic. we are no longer together and it is staying the way. I cannot deal with DAs.
He sounds more like a narcissist
@@uniquedavenport yep BPD in men presents like a narcissist. One of many signs. I’ve been with a true narcissist. He isn’t that. Pretty confident he has BPD.
@@jjc2323 BPD presents it's self as narcissistic in women as well it goes hand in hand
That's true..."I am much more worthy than a ...maybe"👌👌
I have been in a friendship/love/marry relation for 12 years. It tooks me 12 years to understand that I was with a avoidant person. It helps to heal to know how it works for an avoidant person. We just divorced after 4 years. After all relations she had…she move to another country. But she always reach back after 2 years. Now I understand the pattern.
I’m experiencing the same thing with my husband. He ignores and abandons me but refuses to divorce. He’ll never change. He does all of these disrespectful things to our marriage but his fear of something I did ten years ago is too intense for him to bear right now in the present. It’s exhausting. Why do I have to be penalized for behaviors that I’ve already changed when he has stayed the same. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m definitely divorcing him. There’s no hope. I can’t get close to him. So, I’m without a husband.
I believe in positive thinking. But I FINALLY realize and FINALLY accept that most of us are doomed to grow old alone.
Im SA with AP tendencies and i dated a DA for just around 3 months. It was all really bizarre and hurtful. This guy told me he loved me and we seemed to be doing really well but then dumped me over a text message around 10 days later giving little to no explanation other than saying he thinks we’re not "truly compatible" but that im wonderful and he really genuinely likes me and im oh so special. Whenever i set boundaries he saw it as personal criticism and he never communicated his needs at all. There was also the additional element of his female coworker / best gal pal that he met up with for drinks on a rooftop bar the night of ending things with me. He had the audacity to repost her story on his close friends - thats how i knew. It was all so weird bc we sort of had just established we were official. Then bam. Now thinking back he did mention things about her casually and the whole thing is just giving me bad vibes - like how she got him a bracelet as a gift after the easter break and how i’ll definitely find a job with my philosophy major bc he knows someone in his field (banking) who studied law (her ofc). Now im just left completely confused tryimg to understand what happend, if he ever actually liked me or if dating me was a way to make her interested in him or some other fucked up shit. These videos are sooo helpful. Dont date these people.. theyll do no good, even if what you think u have seems oh so promising.
Sorry that happened to you. DAs can often sabotage the relationship, especially when things are going well and get more serious. It's really painful when you're on the receiving end of that.
Trying to figure out what happened when it involves unhealthy relationship, you better off chasing ghosts. His loss, move on and never look back. You deserve better, much better.
Would you feel as bad if she were male?
Your story is almost similar to mine. He made it official (finally after 7 months or so), but by then I was already put my foot out, yet remain one foot in because I cared about him. Suddenly out of nowhere when I commented about him. Being lack of self care and empathy made him flipped and told me "stop contacting me" and blocked me everywhere except IG 😂
It's been 4 weeks of NC and I don't plan to respond to his text if he comes back bcos this is the 3rd time and I'm completely done. No anger no nothing.. No feelings for him anymore
update: he messaged me 4 months later wanting to check in. We ended up texting and he very quickly made clear that he wanted to meet up to "catch up". The first time we met we kept things casual and light, he showed interest in my life and behaved very well, and then on the second "hang out" as he calls them, i, after about half an hour of smalltalk asked him whether he had anything to say to me. He was baffled but we ended up having a convo about what had happend. This time around he tells me that he didnt end things because he didn’t like me, no he thought i was great and fabulous and pretty and smart, but he was overwhelmed with his time management and since i deserve to be made a priority and he wanted to make me his, he had to cut me off since with his career it was just all too much. He even apologized. I was so confused. I ended up tearing up and telling him that he hurt me. He apologized sincerely, said he ended things over text so he couldn’t be swayed by me, cause he knew he would be. He mentioned that he missed me a lot and often even regretted his decision. So i asked him what it is he wants now, why we are "hanging out" and he’s acting flirty etc. He responds by saying that he doesn’t see anything wrong with being friends and curious about my life…
The chemistry is still there and so is attraction. He absolutely does not know what he wants.
I let him know im not interested in friendship and i just blocked him on my phone a few days after the 2nd hangout. What a waste of time and energy.
I love how you mentioned the stories we make up in your mind. I was being very possessive and needed a clear understanding of how the future of the relationship would be, she was the perfect woman in my head. I hated how l was always bothering her to hangout with me but l also hated how she would rather go out with her girls than me.
I dated two avoidants over 10 years. The good times were not worth the bad. My opinion is to run away from them and never look back.
This is soooo helpful. It’s soo difficult because my DA partner and I go in circles. He says he’s processing and needs time then we connect lightheartedly and when it’s time to re-visit the conversation, he believes things are fine so why bother. Just bridges all under the rug. No matter what I say - he does it again. It’s maddening 😢
Tonight my DA, after 3 years tells me he doesn't romantically love me. My heart is broken. Broken to the point, I believe i hate him for hurting me this much. Let's just be real. DA's are selfish, cold, and dont really value intimate relationships.
Welp, at least he’s honest. Enjoy the 3 years for what it was and move on. You should never feel down about leaving someone who no longer wants you.
I hope you're doing better. I'm sorry you had to experience that
Thank you for posting this video! I have been involved in a "situation ship" with a DA for 2 years.. Every time we get closer, I dont hear from him for at least 4 weeks. I never reach out.
I just suffer in silence. We both have agreed and he brought it up first that there is genuine love between us, but he says that he cant commit, even though he knows that we are on the same page about just about everything. He told me that I he prayed for me, but its seems too good to be true!!! I dont know of anyway I can get him to trust me! I have been so empathetic, and nonthreatening. He knows how nurturing I am. How can I tell him about his attachment and introduce him to your program? I do not want to give up! This connection is worth working on!
I am trying to detach and work on myself.. Its sooo frustrating when you know that there is so much potential.. I appreciate you posting videos!!
I've been in a similar situation since 2021. First cycle was a situationship, second was a situationship turned relationship, third cycle was back to a situationship but he was talking about moving in together. I left all 3 times.
If it was me, I wouldn't bring up his attachment style. I would just let him know in a casual manner all the work you're doing and you took a test to find your attachment style. I can't see a DA wanting to do this as they can't typically handle anything that points out their flaws.
In the end, I stated my boundaries and said I love him but I'm not interested in spending time with someone who won't call me his girlfriend and that was the end. I stayed in it because he's the love of my life and I put his needs of being comfortable over my own. I chose me. I'd rather be alone than stay in something I'm not comfortable in.
I’ve been in almost the exact same situation for the exact same amount of time. I genuinely believe he has real feelings for me but he’s so avoidant that the thought of a relationship is terrifying for him.
I actually did tell him he was a dismissive avoidant and told him to look it up online. I honestly believe he did, and I honestly believe, deep down, he sees that he is. But admitting it would be admitting that he’s been let down badly - probably by a parent - so he continues to be outwardly in denial.
So many people say to give up on avoidants and, while it may well be the best advice, I totally get where you’re coming from in wanting to persevere. In my heart, I know that there’s a 95% chance we’ll never have the relationship I want. But I cling to the breadcrumbs and glimmers of hope when he opens up about something relatively private.
If you’re getting nowhere doing what you’re doing, maybe just bring it up with him. You have nothing to lose. You could say you did a test yourself and, in reading about all the attachment styles, you felt that one in particular seemed to describe him and ask if he can identify it. If he does, take it from there.
@@kiruxu people can definitely want to give up on avoidants and it's tough depending on the situation. In my case we went thru 3 rounds and I loved being with him. The thing is, after starting the healing process and doing the work, my want and need to make him more comfortable and put his needs over my own became unacceptable. He's a sweetheart and was happy because all of his needs were being met, but mine weren't and I'm really starting to love and value my boundaries. If he comes back, I'd be open but only for something deep and real where we can both 100% be authentic without anyone running. I should feel like I can speak my mind without repercussions.
I feel this so much, I am in a situation-ship with a DA, and when I see you say "suffer in silence" i almost cry, because I live in this space so often right now, it is really hard on an open heart like mine, it just hurts. I care for this woman so much, and I'm learning how to cope with this.
SAME!!! STORY...😢
I'm reeling from a 4 year DA relationship ended by text out of the blue, no explanation besides "I don't love you anymore." It's been so painful.