Just forget it, everyone. Honestly, I feel like this channel and its focus on avoidants and how to “win” them gives hope where likely there is none. You can give them all the love, support, and care in the world and they still absolutely walk away. Pull away. Melt away into silence. Do. Not. Wait. On. Them. You deserve better. We all do. Love yourself and live life to the fullest. Life is short.
This girl said I was great for her, then she left me to pursue another dude she knew they wouldn't be attached to each other. Just about tore my heart out
Not everyone is the same or healthy. I'm not trying to put any blame on you, but maybe you have some issues as an individual too. I'm only saying this because I learned a few weeks ago that the person I've been with has BPD, and I blamed most of our problems on them. Only to learn, I probably have avoidant attachment s. I'm just pointing out that not everything is one person’s fault, and maybe they don't even know they have these issues (I literally just learned about mine, and it was quite a shock for me) I know I'll do everything I can to achieve a healthy, secure attachment style and work towards it because I know I can grow out of this, just like many others have. Saying that “they’ll always walk away” seems unfair to me, so I wanted to highlight this
Irony of life: "We get irritated by people who care for us, and run behind the people who ignore us. We ignore those who adore us, and adore those who ignore us. We hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."
This began in February. We broke up last Saturday. I'm working on myself through Integrated Attachment Therapy. Wish me luck y'all. I'm 53, and still growing.
You are already whole and complete. I decree that you will realize it. Happy healing ❤️🩹 I know it hurts, let it. And let it remind you of just how powerful a force you are to let heavy emotions move through you
I hope there is a video to help avoidants do their adjustment and effort in their relationships especially with anxious ones. The world seems only adjusting to them.
It is not just for dismissive avoidants, an anxious style also needs to heal and make the adjustments, if you are thinking that they are the only one that needs to change it would also be the other person that needs to change I am a dismissive avoidant and I have had a person with anxious and fearful avoidant style they didn't want to realize that they also needed healing as well, but I hope this will help you out, take care
@@Gabriel-ws2ez Thanks, yes, I know that is why I’m watching the videos on this channel but it is mostly how we all can understand avoidants but almost nothing about how avoidants must also do their job. That is what I’m trying to say. 🙂
Exactly! I agree 💯 most DA videos on this channel focus on how other attachment styles need to adjust to them, not on how the DA can heal their core wounds, nor how they can adjust to the needs of their partner
@@maetan2682 your welcome I meant to be sincere, it is a tough battle for me and really depends on the extent of how long the relationship has lasted for, 15 years for me the other night I had a dream where I was with her again and felt trapped no matter door I tried to go out she or the other persons that she had manipulated was blocking the doorway for me to leave and it was so bad that it was very hard for me to wake up it made feel drogy all day.
My AD got in touch after a few weeks of no contact telling me that relationships puts him in an emotional tailspin etc etc etc. Not the first time he ghosted me for a small issue, but it will be the last time. He was an emotional vampire and I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time trying to be sensitive to his feelings. I told him that I don't have the energy to deal with his behaviour anymore, and deleted him from my life. Had I been less emotionally healthy, he would have dragged me down to a very dark emotional space. Good riddance.
It a natural feeling that we want people to miss us and hurt like we have during the process. We have to learn to stick to our boundaries and not allow people to break them just because we think they could be the one. Some people are so messy within themselves that no one isn't going to be good enough for them and that's actually sad. Especially when we are old enough to know better!!
Great vid. I spent 14 yrs married to a DA who was deeply wounded by childhood abuse. i wish id know how to manage her better from the start. We couldve avoided much heartache. She needed me for her needs but didnt want to meet or hear about mine. I paid the divorce lawyer last week. Learning who i am again for the first time in quite a while!
She always told me that she didn’t want a serious relationship. She pursued me first and we made a deep connection. She liked my background and my morals. It seemed like she didn’t want to lose me. But then she pulled away and prioritized everything except for me. I thought that I could show her that I was worth it.
This is the dynamic that I think a lot of people run into with avoidants. It’s been my experience as a DA that the men I’ve dated always think I just haven’t met them yet, so they can change me. None succeeded. Hopefully, in the future you walk away to avoid such hurt.
That first line is all you needed to know. She said she didn't want a serious relationship. That's where it falls on you. It sucks and it's painful, but we really need to listen to people when they tell us their intentions.
@@Theviewerdude it could be her attachment, but she also could have no longer been interested. The word discarded is thrown around as loosely as narcissist now. People are allowed to say they're all set and leave. Isn't it better than keeping it going for years? I'd rather know early on.
My avoidant discarded me 3 months ago, slightly before my birthday. We had been together for 6 months. I've been maintaining no contact ever since. She hasn't contacted me either. Meanwhile, I have mourned the relationship, and I'm in the process of moving on. I care enough about myself to let go of her and continue to be happy and lead a fulfilling life! And I care less and less about her!
After 2 years, my girlfriend discarded me the day after my birthday. Completely blindsided. Handling it well, it's been a week. DA's love language: when things get serious, run for the hills. Complete liability... Did your ex break no contact?
This situation you described just happened to me a week ago. My avoidant ex decided she’s done and “there’s nothing i could’ve done better”. She’s just done but offered friendship. My birthday is in a month and we lasted 5 months. I had so many good things planned just for her, but she tossed me out of her life because she no longer feels connected to me. She even told me she placed gifts for me in her cart but waiting for the checks to come in before buying. Now she doesn’t have to buy anything! How convenient. To be honest with y’all, all it takes to make me happy is her presence during the special time of the year. She can give me a rock and tell me a story of why she picked that rock and i would treasure it always. The decision to discard me was already made for me so i got no choice but fix my own broken heart and move on.
No contact was healthy for my own healing, from anxious to secure. It took me in a wonderful direction cultivating a deeper spirituality, and that enabled me to much more unconditionally loving and accepting. Detaching has been very healthy for me, and we were able to reconnect in a more balanced way.
@@cieloo199465 Zero contact for about 4 months, until we spoke briefly at a social event. After that, I reached out just to say hello once a month for another 3 months, and then we got together. But by that time, I was ok if we never got together again.
So I’m an FA and I attracted 2 DA’s into my life over the past year. The first one I became so anxiously attached that it exploded in my face and I spent 4 months just healing from it where it was hard to feel okay. Then when I was finally starting to feel okay again I attracted another DA where I didn’t get so attached but still felt it. That just ended recently, and it feels like the healing has gone like 10x faster and I am no longer crying over the lost person so much, but over my own self being so disconnected and wounded. The journey has taught me to care about myself so much, and I even have so much more empathy for the DA this time around, seeing how scared and damaged they are deep down. It makes me realize how much we all need to love and take care of one another, and that starts with taking care of ourselves first.
@@SirenaSpades Fas do have an anxious side too.., when they date an anxious person they lean more avoidant but when they date a Da it triggers their anxious side so bad!
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
With my da I used her distance to move on. When she came back . I asked what did you think was going to happen lol treat me like an option and be left like a choice. Why be in a relationship and feel alone. Best thing to do is get rid of them
Hello, I dont have a lot of experience. Mine let me think it was serious, he talked about future and I realized I was just a friend with benefit. Well, it would've been great if he was honest about the relation being casual 😞
Needed this video, been going no contact for a month and tried to reach out to see how she was doing, she was still cold and I was still emotionally unprepared. No regrets though, i felt I needed to do it and I did, looking forward to healing fully as I have been! And I know deep down she will miss me and miss the values i brought to her life. Its just the difficulty at accepting something so awesome can disappear within 2 weeks. Yes she ghosted me and decided to breakup with me after ghosting me. Left me blindsided and had to pick up the pieces on my own, but i am glad that it happened as we both needed space to work on ourselves. I am a AP so its definitely harder and I am aware of that. Wishing everyone the best of luck on their journeys! Remember that you were something to them, and they WILL feel it. But please focus on yourself! sending love!
I don't know why but I thought I would come back to share an update.. She came back shortly after my comment We had other unexpected moments together, and talked for some weeks but now this is the second time she pulled away, it's worse than the first time :( She's afraid of losing her freedom and she's afraid that I am going to change her, she told me she run away because I am caring and gentle toward her.. This again makes me very sad I'm pretty sure this is familiar for most people here.. I already met avoidant people but I have to say this is the first time I experience it this way, at least I'm glad that she communicate about her fears a little but she still push me away...
I'm FA and it felt like Thais is inside my head. 4 years to make it happen with a kind, gentle woman. She finally left for real. I'm getting counseling and working on myself so I don't do this to anybody ever again.
I changed the perspective and I don’t want to raise a 50 year old man. Changed my mind! This will take years to fix but first he needs to admit he has a problem! I’m done!!💯💯
Absolutely! I was with a 50 year old boy and ... enough of this sh!t. His potential is just that, will be unrealised for the rest of his life. I don't have the time to wait knowing it will never get better.
I just left my wife of 29 years for this reason. She is a child. Throws tantrums and slams things and screams and yells and stomps. Even throws herself on the floor. She actually yells and says that’s what I want. Nope. An adult discussion without invalidation and trying to find common ground and resolution
I got dumped by a 53 year old boy while on vacation with him. Returned home and haven't spoken to him since. 1 year relationship second time ghosting me. Hurts like hell. I knew I should have never went back the first time he left. Now he's with someone else after a week from me. I blocked him. Now I need to get myself together.
@@hopelessromantic1763 WOWWW!! Same here! I’m sitting here now saying…”I got it now! No more narcissistic people for me. I had to go through this final fool to actually get it! And by the way.. he did you a favor! Let him be someone else’s nightmare! We deserve to be treated like queens!💯💯”
0:26 Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I've felt blamed for not seeing it coming when that wasn't even they type of relationship I was starting or thought I was in.
OMG, I think this describes me-I am avoidant. In my defense, I was abused and neglected as a child. I have done extensive inner work, so I'm making progress. I am glad that I reflect on my actions and motivations. This has allowed me to analyze why I was uncomfortable with receiving emotional validation but was comfortable giving it. I believe relationships require self-awareness, accountability, and clear communication.
Despite receiving abuse from multiple people throughout my life, I am still choosing to show up. I want you all to know that there's no way I could have done this without God.
Thank you for this. I’m a anxious preoccupied type 😂, however not sure if I’m that anymore. My ex husband is a avoidant type, though seems that he could be changing, I dk. I’ve had to change for myself. We are reconnecting after having divorced two years ago.😔 Not something I wanted, as I love him❤. And he says he loves me. As there was a betrayal of trust on his part, it’s trying to rebuild. Forgiving, not forgetting what happened. But concentrating on the now.
Well you just described exactly how I felt after my breakup. It would be nice to have a video for avoidants on how to know if you really sabotaged something worth trying to go back to and thats why you're sad or of you're just finally being hit with the emotions. Sox or seven months after the break up I just went thru some of the hardest feelings of missing the good things. Were together for 12 years. With a lot of space though I think I can see we were just too far apart on certain expectations and the way we wanted to live our daily weekly lives. But it was so confusing when those feelings hit
Best option is throw avoidants out of your life permanently and move on to new person 😌😌😌 this people are mad they don't deserve relationship this avoidants should actually remain unmarried forever 😌
Currently in no contact with my avoidant Borderline ex fiancé. Struggling with how great and healthy our relationship was and then one day she snapped and internalized her feelings and abruptly left without barely a conversation. As much as I want her back, she needs to want to do the work. She worshipped me and now it’s like she never even knew me or cared at all. I shouldn’t want her back but I do because I know she has bpd and I just want to help her because I love her deeply and she says she still loves me. No contact is all I have left. Emotionally drained.
@@tiffanyburke2785 thanks for asking. Sorry this is long: My fiancé and I were together for 5 years but hit a rough patch for about 5 months, largely due to my increased vodka consumption during the pandemic. Both of us drank, but my health suffered, and I knew I needed to quit. I stopped drinking liquor 9 months ago and eventually quit altogether. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to stop, she wasn't around to see it because she was staying with a friend to foster kittens. We had a loving relationship, but she has borderline personality disorder (BPD), which I didn't fully understand before. My drinking triggered her BPD, leading her to feel abandoned and abruptly break up with me. Her black-and-white thinking caused her to idealize and then devalue me. She barely gave me a chance to quit drinking and had poor communication skills. For 11 months, she wasn't herself, even though she's been in treatment for 5 years and on medication for longer. She broke up with me, saying it was a hard decision because she still loves me. She moved out for 6 months for space, expressing a desire to be together again but without making promises. I have hope that we can fix things and be stronger, but I'm worried about her BPD cycle repeating. She needs to work on not thinking in black-and-white through therapy. More recently she agreed to couples therapy and easing back into the relationship. Then she snapped again and got scared. She kept pushing and pulling back, so I decided to tell her I’m going to move on since she wouldn't communicate clearly. I stopped contacting her 40 days ago, hoping she'd gain perspective. Most engaged couples support each other through tough times, and I'm hoping she'll come around after having space to miss me. That's where things stand now.
@@tiffanyburke2785 thank you for asking. My fiancé and I were together for 5 years but hit a rough patch for about 5 months, largely due to my increased vodka consumption during the pandemic. Both of us drank, but my health suffered, and I knew I needed to quit. I stopped drinking liquor 9 months ago and eventually quit altogether. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to stop, she wasn't around to see it because she was staying with a friend to foster kittens. We had a loving relationship, but she has borderline personality disorder (BPD), which I didn't fully understand before. My drinking triggered her BPD, leading her to feel abandoned and abruptly break up with me. Her black-and-white thinking caused her to idealize and then devalue me. She barely gave me a chance to quit drinking and had poor communication skills. For 11 months, she wasn't herself, even though she's been in treatment for 5 years and on medication for longer. She broke up with me, saying it was a hard decision because she still loves me. She moved out for 6 months for space, expressing a desire to be together again but without making promises. I have hope that we can fix things and be stronger, but I'm worried about her BPD cycle repeating. She needs to work on not thinking in black-and-white through therapy. More recently she agreed to couples therapy and easing back into the relationship. Then she snapped again and got scared. She kept pushing and pulling back, so I decided to tell her I’m going to move on since she wouldn't communicate clearly. I stopped contacting her 40 days ago, hoping she'd gain perspective. Most engaged couples support each other through tough times, and I'm hoping she'll come around after having space to miss me. That's where things stand now.
These people just love to hear their self talk. These TH-camrs find a new term and run with it. This helps them adjust and cope in their reality. Remember, it’s no measure of sanity to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
I wonder if the DA, I loved was a covert narcissist. I just don't know. Thanks for being a light for me all these years. If she tried a little... I guess this will never be. Thank you!
Not worth the time if they don’t want the love you’re offering… they I think don’t care if ure gone… for a month I’ve been chatting, he was flirting and such… he sweet and giving me his time and attention early morning when he’s up. But later he just being relax.. I the one often initiating to chat till we reached one month and he said we’re moving too fast… I fought for him, still giving him my attention and sent him letters, snail mail and some other stuff.. and last May 3 I have heard from him that he said he only wants friends… last we talked that one and I stopped initiating to chat with him… been 2 weeks now that we have no communication… I gave up. I rather have to focus on myself and my job. If one dont want my love and attention, then no problem to that,.. I know the good one is just right there waiting for me.
How do Dismissive Avoidants deal with being broken up with? Especially if DA were satisfied with the status quo, and the other person was secure, calm and kind in separating with them, after a relatively peaceful relationship (no volatility / rollercoaster of intense push-pull and arguments/making up) I imagine the separation elation is not that strong if present for the DA in this case, and they might hit their emotions sooner. How does the advice in this video change if the DA is the one burned with rejection and losing someone they deeply loved and still wanted to be with?
I'm in this position. We still speak a little. In the meantime, everything I post on social media is liked within 5 minutes... it's a bit much. I have seen them once for coffee since I broke it off, and at the end they gave me a huge hug and said they wanted to catch up again for lunch and then they wanted to come to my house to meet my cats (they always refused to come to my house!). So they are chasing me, but if I give them a compliment, pay them too much attention, engage in a longer conversation then they back off... for about a day. I have moved on and am dating other fabulous people and am very happy.
@@amiaow glad that you have found the will to move on and are very happy :) that's important. I told mind that I am ready in my life for a man who wants the same things I do; full commitment, ring on my finger and marriage! Somebody who sees me as the woman to grow old with. I did have quite a good relationship with my DA, but that full commitment was something he was not Emotionally available for. We shared a lot with each other, including the sometimes vulnerable talks that are required for deep understand. We drew out a calm, loving and respectful joy in each other. Friendship was always the cornerstone that we could fall back on when it got wobbly, but the last two years it was never rocky. I think it's 50/50 that he will come back and propose to me. Anyway, I told him I don't want to be friends. We should give each other space to focus on our own priorities. I wouldn't be able to focus on meeting my next big love with his energy around. I also cannot introduce him to a future husband as "just a friend" - it would be a lie.
Yup I had one DA send memes on 2 different social media accounts after we hadn’t talked for months. I ignored them both. Sorry by that time I wanted more depth & he obviously wasn’t able to give that.
after my last go around with mine im done.. the ignoring and running and lies and stress... 20 days ago she totaled my new truck.. i wasn't even mad then 2 days later she blocked me and hasn't said a word since.. last time i talked to her she said goodnight i love you and then blocked me... it's not worth the stress
Thais, I'm pretty sure that I have watched literally every single video you've put out in the last year about the Dismissive Avoidant. I feel like I've heard you say the same thing, reiterated, many times. I'm really curious if there is anything new about this topic, that I haven't already heard before. Is there any new insight, or nugget of wisdom? Because I've heard Feelings minus their Fears hundreds of times, and I totally get it.
I love Thais and all her videos. I found this person very informative as well and a little different information but both very good. 😊th-cam.com/users/liveOkIxfPL0x64?si=fE4fqIQdJT0PKucl
wow . burn . how about some gratitude for everything she has taught you ? .... - for free ... its obvious you have not watched all the videos , or you would not have posted such a self entitled comment
My DA gf of 6 years dumped me a month and a half ago. She was having an emotional affair/Flirtmance with her boss who’s a dentist. After going no contact after she dumped me, she texted me wanting to work things out. I said I wanted to work things out also, and we went on several dates. After the 4th date I thought things were going really well. Then she tells me she was going for dinners with him behind my back, while we were trying to work things out. She said she met him at a restaurant and afterwards gave him a bj in his car. She came clean. I was disgusted. Now she says she wants to work things out with me. Now she’s acting all loving. I’m trying to make it work cause I love her still, but I feel absolutely betrayed and don’t trust her.
Sounds like she’s messing with your heart and likes the attention from you and him. Is she a narcissist? Sounds like triangulation. I’d walk away. You deserve better
can you please direct me to more disorganised attachment.....I've just discovered about attachment behaviours and its such an eye opener....I related so much to the disorganised one and its both great to finally know but also so sad to realise all the things. I just broke up with someone with strong anxious behaviour. It was chaos for me, I wanted to jump off a bridge multiple times. such complex emotions. she was actually super toxic when scared, full blown manipulation, gas lighting, lying....and had lots of partners so has just moved on so fast and I'm left almost wondering what reality is and have had to really get friends and family around to make sure I don't do osmething stupid in a moment of feeling total panic
Truth is DA's are hard to deal with. most of them dont come back because most of them cant get their shit together and change..they are mostly scared to be vulnerable and speak up..let alone most of them has huge traumas and egos about protecting themselves only. They wont listen to anyone but themselves. and even if they get back, its a hamster wheel of on and off. Unless the DA seeked professional help and have you in the care plan, and you guys seek prof help..then it could work out. but majority, wont.
🎉I am old school... Either someone wants to be with you or they don't. Some of you guys just don't listen to what a female tells you and try to change her to meet your needs. If a woman tells you I don't want kids, a committed relationship, don't need a man, not looking for marriage, you need to follow your first inclination.
Exactly! I’m that woman. I never NEEDED a man, but I did want one at some point. Partially biological I assume and the other part societal pressure. In fact, I would say a good portion of my dating experiences stemmed from trying to be normal but that’s a conversation for another day. I tell men I don’t want kids, marriage and I even question cohabitation, and they just nod and smile. They tell me I’m cool and independent. Eventually, they get pushier, some almost aggressive as they pick me apart over time. Why don’t you want this thing like my ex did? Don’t women typically love birthday parties? The best was the conservative guy who told me I’d be perfect if I hadn’t let my feminist education poison my mind. I’m great broodemare material I guess, just these pesky brains getting in the way.
Hi Thais can you please make a video on FOMO and what core wounds it’s associated with? I think shame, I am bad and not living in alignment to your needs are key components of it. Love you sm
Yep! These personality types are not sure of who they are or what they want. They tend to suffer a major identity crisis and never find themselves as throughout life, that is all they can do - narcissistically pursue themselves b/c they don't know themselves so this is why they can't know you or want to pursue you b/c they don't know or care enough about themselves.
As far as I know, narcissists have no remorse, while DA’s have , but they’re wired differently than the majority, and don’t understand the intensity of emotions and the need of so much intimacy and closeness. For a DA, most people seem too needy. They’ve learned to be independent since being a baby, as they had to. They learned to supress their emotions as a survival mechanism. So they get in touch with their feelings very hardly. They shut off when feeling demanded for intimacy. DA here…
What if your DA started casually dating another person immediately after the breakup? Is there still a chance they’ll go through the stage of missing the relationship and person they were with after the 3/4 month mark?
If a DA rarely ever reaches out, do I break no contact? I know almost every video says the "dumper" is the first to reach out, but if avoidants don't reach out, how do you re establish that connection? It's the decision of the dumper to come back. How does that work with the paradoxical nature of avoidants? Thank you ❤️❤️✨✨ Would absolutely love your thoughts on this. Thank you ✨☀️❤️
I was with mine for 4 years every other month she would break up with me for 2weeks at a time then panic on the third week of not talking. It really hurts this time I literally told her what she was doing and how bad it hurts and to just talk to me if she could- it was like one ear out the other. Really took a hit on my soul- I’m a great looking guy I believe and have zero isssues being hit on by a lady or picking up a lady. And I’m stuck on this person who I road this coaster with 4 years. First time it happened she dumped me blocked me for 3 weeks I slept with another chick. I thought I was dumped. To this day she literally thinks I cheated I said you dumped me. She said we were still together. I mean she dumped me the other day and I was upset thinking another dude was involved she said there wasn’t she can’t do this with me anymore. She blames everything on me 😮 even when she has no proof of me doing any wrong doing she said you have been cheating on me I said no not true she said your actions speak diffrent they will believe stuff that’s not true to run Weird But I’m hurt
She only realised she lost me when she heard I found someone who treated me right. Now she's angry and telling my friends she's upset, despite her being the one who left.
I stopped wanting my DA ex back. Worked on becoming secure and really worked on emotional regulation. Had to do modified no contact because we work together. Finally broke no contact because I just want to work on the professional relationship and kill the tension as best as possible. Now, he's super anxious and angry towards me. Says he doesn't trust me (have no idea why as I didn't cheat, lie, steal, or initiate the break up)...but I am just so drained by him, I don't care about being the villain in his story. Just want to be cordial at work. Has anyone else dealt with this delayed weird residual anger from the DA? He like shakes when I speak to him and it's super off-putting. Made me realize I dodged a bullet. I'm just sick of minimizing myself for his comfort at work and refuse to do it anymore. Suggestions on how to handle this without being a totally inconsiderate asshole? Because I'm getting to that point lol
Don't mind his feelings at all. He is mad because he knows he was the monster and in error and can t take you are moving on. Again don't mind his feelings at all, even laugh in his face when you can. Remmember he didn't mind yours. If he can't be professionally consistent perhaps society is not for him and he should go living in a cave. Take heed of nothing when you interact with him. Just treat him like you would treat any other colleague. And if he gets unprofessional or unethical treat him like you would treat any unethical collegue. But if I were you I would have a little fun with it and play with his feelings (never anything romantical make sure you tell and show him he is not worth it) just by exhausting him emotionally.. when I would see him shaking then sticking around and pushing his buttons harder. He sounds like a selfish prick.
Honestly, as a woman, a man shaking and getting all spazzy just because I spoke to him would scare the hell out of me. I’m a DA and I’ve never read this being something we do, nor have I experienced it. There’s something more going on there as is with all of us because we’re not only our attachment styles. I would too say you dodged a bullet, and I would also lean towards maintaining the no contact for your possible safety. Leave that man alone, he doesn’t sound stable at all. The comment above sounds crazy. Woman to woman, I assume you understand the fear of being in a situation with a man who you’re not certain of? When has it ever been a good idea to try to poke out a reaction? You could get hurt and HR wouldn’t be able to do anything but fire him. Again, I say stay away from him. This situation gives me the ick. Safety first always. You don’t need to understand him, we will leave this life not understanding many things and sometimes for very good reason.
I love my avoidant ex....no doubt about it. I don't know if i could ever trust them to stay even if she came back. She has run off twice now. Currently 5 weeks since the break up, however i admit i did attempt to reach out until she blocked me. I would not be shocked if she came back, but equally not shocked if i never hear from her again.
I think at the core the trauma wound might be different, FA fears abandonment but also does the abandoning, DA fears commitment and also abandons their partner, just for different reasons (i think)
We were best friends from the age of 12. I've always loved them, but we started dating at the age of 18. We moved in together, only now two years later aged 20 they blindsided me. I put on no contact and no longer want to date them, I want the close friendship we had for years. We were always very intimate and cuddly, and I'd do anything to get back to what we had, before they felt like they'd have to commit and grow as a person.
Great video 👏🏻 My ex always burries herself in MORE tasks to avoid her pain 😞 I wish I could take her pain away. We keep triggering each other's attachment style, round & round we go! If she would only allow me to lead her to you, and help us with your counseling. She won't make the time 🫤
Identify avoidants early and stay away from them. She was sweet at first and I was securely attached because I liked her and we had good sex, but she started pitching hissy fits probably because she started feeling close. I devolved into anxious because she started to pull away. I lost my nerve once she broke up with me. I was a nervous wreck afterward because I was trying to fix it but just turns out she started sleeping with other men. They are just casual people they don’t like big displays of emotions.
Do they typically just go back to who they're comfortable with and not come back or commit to a new relationship that only made it to the three-month point?
@@riverchick23 Ugh. That's a long time. I' think I'm watching too many videos about the different attachment styles. They're all excellent, but I'm still so confused. I have to force my self to stop overthinking as well. Very frustrating. Best wishes to you!
Question for u Thais, do avoidants ever realize they are actually hurting themselves in the long-run by pushing others away? I don't think anyone wants to be alone for the rest of their life right
You have to weigh your pros and cons. I've never once pushed someone away that was actually healthy. Another thing is that romantic relationships are truly not as important to some as they are to others. I have a big family, friends, people I network with, a business that I love running. I travel a lot, preferably by myself. I love having my kitties. My life is pretty cool. Why would you think we fear being alone?
I can't speak for all avoidants and I test secure now, but as someone who has predominantly lived life leaning avoidant, I find that people are too unpredictable to be focused on finding a partner. In my 44 years, I've dated 1 secure person and he left to be with his ex. So from what I've experienced, not even SA's are always safe to date. While I am open, I don't find dating to be important enough to seek out a partner. I never have. As for growing old without a significant other, that can happen anyway. People divorce, people die, people cheat and leave. I mean, nothing in life is permanent so why try and "lock in" a forever partner out of fear? FYI, I wouldn't mind hearing Thais's take either.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I don't mean just in a romantic relationship. Avoidants act pretty much the same with friends and family too, so do they realize pushing away em doesn't really achieve anything? Unless they are just satisfied with superficial stuff in which most of em are. I think they just avoid looking deep within themselves and try to rationalize their self-sabotaging behaviors and compensate in other areas
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I guess u are a dismissive avoidant? Why deny urself the need for deep meaningful connections? Humans are all biologically wired for them, and u are not an exception to the rule. U can rationalize or compensate with other distractions, but ur real self still desires real connections with others
@@mercyveritas1125 you seem to be pigeon-holing the entire avoidant attachment style not realizing we're all different. I'm a healing FA and I love my deep, meaningful relationships with friends and family but I have zero issues with cutting people out if I deem them a threat aka toxic. There are very few I open up to, but those that I do, I truly value. I also have DA friends who have close relationships with friends and family. They don't bleed out emotions like some, but for those of us they feel safe with, they will share and be close with us.
How does this melting iceberg work when they ran back and dating an old friend of ours that they’ve never been able to work. They’ve tried it probably 5 times in 30 years. I don’t know if he will self reflect at all on our relationship if being distracted by her. 14 years wasted. 😢
The da was on and off, on and off according to the levels of familial responsibilities required, boredom and need for validation. I know now he “quasi” came home when he needed space from those situation-ships. I don’t need to be a da to know us normies have these moments too. I got over my badass childhood, wiped my nose and fought hard for a better life for me and my kids.
When I was a child, I acted like a child, & thought like a child but when I became a man I put my childish ways behind me! Aka grow up & stop blaming your childhood as an excuse to be anything but the beautiful woman or good man that you are meant to be in Gods eyes in Jesus great name! Amen. We are present & accountable for right now but to move on from your past in relationships with God you can be healed & forgiven to move forward in your life! So stop looking down & back & start looking up & forward! God has endless good fruits to bear while the devil is the teller of lies & wants to condemn damn & convict you to believe you are still a child when you are NOT! F your subconscious excuses, justification, & this worldly ideology of being someone who is making excuse to validate being a narcissist or sociopath aka demented by sexual perversion, drunktarded, feminism, astrology, vibing, lust, manifesting, or whatever other lie the devils been whispering into your eyes! Love this lady & her heart is in the right place & I’m sure it helps some people but it is not the answer…only a relationship with Christ is the truth & that truth will set us freee! 🕊
Trying to work out getting back together with my avoidant. He likes to spit out one sentence of his thoughts sandwiched between unrelated conversation. I'm now asking him to think about our needs and wants and find a time to discuss the road map going forward. He's a little slow in scheduling that convo.
Love this clip, it s the first time you talked on ordinary speech, i really love the content but sometimes talking too fast made me leave the clip before it ended. Thank you.
I never even heard of dissnisdive avoidant until recently and even thought psychology was for coocoos, did not care for it, BUT without all that knowledge, I KNEW all of what you said.
Interesting. As a DA I don’t think I’ve went through a depressive episode in the long term of a break up, but immediately after. However, I do believe all of my break ups for good reason. I’m a woman who doesn’t want marriage, children and hell maybe not even living together. This means I run into a bunch of men who wouldn’t be good for me or happy with me after a while, so I tend to cut things off. I feel sad a bit, but righteously lmao. However, it is stated that this depressive episode might come after a long term relationship…I don’t do those so maybe that’s why I haven’t experienced it.
You think all your breakups were a good choice? How would you know otherwise? The very core of a dismissive avoidant is to sabotage relationships through a defense mechanism of deactivation which are distancing strategies. Since its subconscious and it's a defense strategy you have no clue if it was a good choice or not, you're responding by fear most likely.
@@nevadanitesall the excuses she made are defense mechanisms, I ask about dealbreakers on the first date, any man who wants children is a no because I have 2 already, no point in a second date, but to continue seeing a person then discarding them months later whilst saying all these reasons sound like defensive mechanisms imo
@@nevadanites she knows she doesn't want marriage, kids or to live with anyone and so maybe she doesn't want to find out. What she's doing is amazing because she's not leading anyone on to think otherwise. I generally don't date for similar reasons and that's okay. I love living alone, I don't believe in marriage and I also prefer vacationing by myself. It's not a defense mechanism...for me at least. I love being around people, but I cherish my space.
All these channels advise "if someone ghosts you, then ignore them" but this is just a stalemate. Nobody will break the silence and you just end up with no closure and don't win them back imo. Better to allow them a couple of months to ghost then give it them with both barrels, then go out and sleep with as many women as you can. I've tried both approaches, the 2nd offers faster closure imo the best revenge is creating their regret, get in great shape, learn a new language, ace your career. Grow dont stagnate and they will be tormented by this.
I’m an avoidant. Why don’t I just date another avoidant so we understand each other and have our own relationship style instead of trying to fit into someone else’s over needyness
It's the avoident at problem here, they can make even a healthy person needy! I was a Fa dating a FA and it did not work. Anyone with an attachment style problem needs therapy. Stop settling for less for yourselfs and others. Hurt people, hurt people..... not very attractive tbh
I prefer dating avoidants and I've always leaned avoidant. It doesn't last, but neither have the relationships I've had with FA's, AP's and even secure.
@@PaigeHermence-c4h I already have looked at my own mistakes and that's why I'm happily single now 😊 no relationship is worth torment or risking you're mental health over. I will stay single until I do my own inner work and when ready, meet another who has done the work aswell 👍
That's the problem with avoidants, someone genuinely shows care and love , you guys deem it as neediness, obsession and possessiveness. when its not all the time, the same case.
Just forget it, everyone. Honestly, I feel like this channel and its focus on avoidants and how to “win” them gives hope where likely there is none. You can give them all the love, support, and care in the world and they still absolutely walk away. Pull away. Melt away into silence. Do. Not. Wait. On. Them. You deserve better. We all do. Love yourself and live life to the fullest. Life is short.
I thought she said go no contact ?
This girl said I was great for her, then she left me to pursue another dude she knew they wouldn't be attached to each other. Just about tore my heart out
i wish i could
If it was easy to forget no one would be watching this channel 😢
Not everyone is the same or healthy. I'm not trying to put any blame on you, but maybe you have some issues as an individual too. I'm only saying this because I learned a few weeks ago that the person I've been with has BPD, and I blamed most of our problems on them. Only to learn, I probably have avoidant attachment s. I'm just pointing out that not everything is one person’s fault, and maybe they don't even know they have these issues (I literally just learned about mine, and it was quite a shock for me)
I know I'll do everything I can to achieve a healthy, secure attachment style and work towards it because I know I can grow out of this, just like many others have. Saying that “they’ll always walk away” seems unfair to me, so I wanted to highlight this
Irony of life:
"We get irritated by people who care for us, and run behind the people who ignore us.
We ignore those who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.
We hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."
How true and sad!
No that’s not always the case
True in many cases.
IN THAT ORDER!
Omg! That's terrifying to read. Smh
What a terrible design, if that's a truth of human behavior.
This began in February. We broke up last Saturday. I'm working on myself through Integrated Attachment Therapy. Wish me luck y'all. I'm 53, and still growing.
Im 53. My husband of 15 years left me in December.
You don't need luck. You will get 'there'. Give yourself some grace.
Good luck man, I'm 24 my ex just broke up with me at Thursday because of a major mistake I made
You are already whole and complete. I decree that you will realize it. Happy healing ❤️🩹 I know it hurts, let it. And let it remind you of just how powerful a force you are to let heavy emotions move through you
Almost there myself, you keep going...
I hope there is a video to help avoidants do their adjustment and effort in their relationships especially with anxious ones. The world seems only adjusting to them.
It is not just for dismissive avoidants, an anxious style also needs to heal and make the adjustments, if you are thinking that they are the only one that needs to change it would also be the other person that needs to change I am a dismissive avoidant and I have had a person with anxious and fearful avoidant style they didn't want to realize that they also needed healing as well, but I hope this will help you out, take care
@@Gabriel-ws2ez Thanks, yes, I know that is why I’m watching the videos on this channel but it is mostly how we all can understand avoidants but almost nothing about how avoidants must also do their job. That is what I’m trying to say. 🙂
Exactly! I agree 💯 most DA videos on this channel focus on how other attachment styles need to adjust to them, not on how the DA can heal their core wounds, nor how they can adjust to the needs of their partner
@@maetan2682 your welcome I meant to be sincere, it is a tough battle for me and really depends on the extent of how long the relationship has lasted for, 15 years for me the other night I had a dream where I was with her again and felt trapped no matter door I tried to go out she or the other persons that she had manipulated was blocking the doorway for me to leave and it was so bad that it was very hard for me to wake up it made feel drogy all day.
@@maetan2682adjustments these people have major psychological issues, they don't need adjustments, they need major work
My AD got in touch after a few weeks of no contact telling me that relationships puts him in an emotional tailspin etc etc etc. Not the first time he ghosted me for a small issue, but it will be the last time. He was an emotional vampire and I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time trying to be sensitive to his feelings. I told him that I don't have the energy to deal with his behaviour anymore, and deleted him from my life. Had I been less emotionally healthy, he would have dragged me down to a very dark emotional space. Good riddance.
.
I don't know what AD means, but congratulations on sending him away! 👨🌾
Life is better without an energy vampire. 🧛♂
Good job..wish I was as strong as u. I'm hurting bad
@@hopelessromantic1763 this too, shall pass.
Dismissive Avoidant
@@Anthony_in_Bloomington_Indiana
AD = Avoidant Dismissive
It a natural feeling that we want people to miss us and hurt like we have during the process. We have to learn to stick to our boundaries and not allow people to break them just because we think they could be the one. Some people are so messy within themselves that no one isn't going to be good enough for them and that's actually sad. Especially when we are old enough to know better!!
Well said! Wow.
Great vid. I spent 14 yrs married to a DA who was deeply wounded by childhood abuse. i wish id know how to manage her better from the start. We couldve avoided much heartache. She needed me for her needs but didnt want to meet or hear about mine. I paid the divorce lawyer last week. Learning who i am again for the first time in quite a while!
Congratulations on this new chapter in your life! 🎉
Me 🫤except we have 3 kids. Hoping to god we can get some counseling but damn. Being a ghost to someone for years is a hard realization to swallow
@@goldenhotdogs3991 walk in obedience with god and restoration is possible. My ex and i are still best friends. Maybe we will remarry some day
She always told me that she didn’t want a serious relationship. She pursued me first and we made a deep connection. She liked my background and my morals. It seemed like she didn’t want to lose me. But then she pulled away and prioritized everything except for me. I thought that I could show her that I was worth it.
This is the dynamic that I think a lot of people run into with avoidants. It’s been my experience as a DA that the men I’ve dated always think I just haven’t met them yet, so they can change me. None succeeded. Hopefully, in the future you walk away to avoid such hurt.
That first line is all you needed to know. She said she didn't want a serious relationship. That's where it falls on you. It sucks and it's painful, but we really need to listen to people when they tell us their intentions.
The same exact thing happened to me. I wasn't even that into her initially. She love bombed me, then discarded me when I was all in.
@@Theviewerdude it could be her attachment, but she also could have no longer been interested. The word discarded is thrown around as loosely as narcissist now. People are allowed to say they're all set and leave. Isn't it better than keeping it going for years? I'd rather know early on.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantbut what if they don’t say anything? The treat you afterwards like almost nothing happened? That’s not fair!
My avoidant discarded me 3 months ago, slightly before my birthday. We had been together for 6 months. I've been maintaining no contact ever since. She hasn't contacted me either. Meanwhile, I have mourned the relationship, and I'm in the process of moving on. I care enough about myself to let go of her and continue to be happy and lead a fulfilling life! And I care less and less about her!
I got dumped before valentines day and again before birthday..special events cancelled..its a pattern
4 months for me....I'm still having a hard time
Same boat bud, 4 days before my 30th bday 🥲
After 2 years, my girlfriend discarded me the day after my birthday. Completely blindsided. Handling it well, it's been a week. DA's love language: when things get serious, run for the hills. Complete liability...
Did your ex break no contact?
This situation you described just happened to me a week ago. My avoidant ex decided she’s done and “there’s nothing i could’ve done better”. She’s just done but offered friendship. My birthday is in a month and we lasted 5 months. I had so many good things planned just for her, but she tossed me out of her life because she no longer feels connected to me.
She even told me she placed gifts for me in her cart but waiting for the checks to come in before buying. Now she doesn’t have to buy anything! How convenient.
To be honest with y’all, all it takes to make me happy is her presence during the special time of the year. She can give me a rock and tell me a story of why she picked that rock and i would treasure it always.
The decision to discard me was already made for me so i got no choice but fix my own broken heart and move on.
No contact was healthy for my own healing, from anxious to secure. It took me in a wonderful direction cultivating a deeper spirituality, and that enabled me to much more unconditionally loving and accepting. Detaching has been very healthy for me, and we were able to reconnect in a more balanced way.
For how long did you stay in no contact? Did you reached out?
@@cieloo199465 Zero contact for about 4 months, until we spoke briefly at a social event. After that, I reached out just to say hello once a month for another 3 months, and then we got together. But by that time, I was ok if we never got together again.
@@cieloo199465how long before she reachout also is a good question
So I’m an FA and I attracted 2 DA’s into my life over the past year. The first one I became so anxiously attached that it exploded in my face and I spent 4 months just healing from it where it was hard to feel okay. Then when I was finally starting to feel okay again I attracted another DA where I didn’t get so attached but still felt it. That just ended recently, and it feels like the healing has gone like 10x faster and I am no longer crying over the lost person so much, but over my own self being so disconnected and wounded. The journey has taught me to care about myself so much, and I even have so much more empathy for the DA this time around, seeing how scared and damaged they are deep down. It makes me realize how much we all need to love and take care of one another, and that starts with taking care of ourselves first.
You are not FA.
@@SirenaSpades Fas do have an anxious side too.., when they date an anxious person they lean more avoidant but when they date a Da it triggers their anxious side so bad!
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Suzanne ann walters , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
With my da I used her distance to move on. When she came back . I asked what did you think was going to happen lol treat me like an option and be left like a choice. Why be in a relationship and feel alone. Best thing to do is get rid of them
The avoidant should only engage in casual relationships. You can't self sabotage where there's no commitment
Oh, but you can! When you start to develop feelings for the other.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix the avoidant fears emotional intimacy it's one of the things that makes them run
Hello, I dont have a lot of experience. Mine let me think it was serious, he talked about future and I realized I was just a friend with benefit. Well, it would've been great if he was honest about the relation being casual 😞
@@cnote3580 Yes, I know. I've dealt with a DA. I am an FA, so I have an avoidant side as well.
@@leti7595that part. This just happened to me a week ago. Smh
Needed this video, been going no contact for a month and tried to reach out to see how she was doing, she was still cold and I was still emotionally unprepared. No regrets though, i felt I needed to do it and I did, looking forward to healing fully as I have been! And I know deep down she will miss me and miss the values i brought to her life. Its just the difficulty at accepting something so awesome can disappear within 2 weeks. Yes she ghosted me and decided to breakup with me after ghosting me. Left me blindsided and had to pick up the pieces on my own, but i am glad that it happened as we both needed space to work on ourselves. I am a AP so its definitely harder and I am aware of that.
Wishing everyone the best of luck on their journeys! Remember that you were something to them, and they WILL feel it. But please focus on yourself! sending love!
I relate to this almost perfectly brother, your not alone. Thank you for your wishes on recovery, i wish the same!🙏🏼
This is refreshing. There are so many videos on how to win them back... Finally here's one that says: it's an endless cycle. Run. And heal.
Thank you for this video :)
I feel sad because we had a great time together
I hope I was important to her
This was the sweetest comment. ❤
You were. Please know that.
Me too, I hope he eventually remembers the love and fun we had
I don't know why but I thought I would come back to share an update..
She came back shortly after my comment
We had other unexpected moments together, and talked for some weeks
but now this is the second time she pulled away, it's worse than the first time :(
She's afraid of losing her freedom and she's afraid that I am going to change her, she told me she run away because I am caring and gentle toward her..
This again makes me very sad
I'm pretty sure this is familiar for most people here..
I already met avoidant people but I have to say this is the first time I experience it this way, at least I'm glad that she communicate about her fears a little but she still push me away...
I'm FA and it felt like Thais is inside my head. 4 years to make it happen with a kind, gentle woman. She finally left for real. I'm getting counseling and working on myself so I don't do this to anybody ever again.
I changed the perspective and I don’t want to raise a 50 year old man. Changed my mind! This will take years to fix but first he needs to admit he has a problem! I’m done!!💯💯
Absolutely! I was with a 50 year old boy and ... enough of this sh!t. His potential is just that, will be unrealised for the rest of his life. I don't have the time to wait knowing it will never get better.
I just left my wife of 29 years for this reason. She is a child. Throws tantrums and slams things and screams and yells and stomps. Even throws herself on the floor. She actually yells and says that’s what I want. Nope. An adult discussion without invalidation and trying to find common ground and resolution
I got dumped by a 53 year old boy while on vacation with him. Returned home and haven't spoken to him since. 1 year relationship second time ghosting me. Hurts like hell. I knew I should have never went back the first time he left. Now he's with someone else after a week from me. I blocked him. Now I need to get myself together.
@@hopelessromantic1763 WOWWW!! Same here! I’m sitting here now saying…”I got it now! No more narcissistic people for me. I had to go through this final fool to actually get it! And by the way.. he did you a favor! Let him be someone else’s nightmare! We deserve to be treated like queens!💯💯”
@@hopelessromantic1763 he sounds like a narcissist more than anything
Thanks!
Don’t care. These people need to grow up, and stop treating others like crap.
Agreed.
They are borderline narcissists.
Completely self absorbed.
What they need are psychiatrists.
🎉🎉🎉
I agree, however i think they should get a chance to really learn after their first real relationship. After that, yea it’s bad.
People like that miss out on what the possibilities are. Someone who is there cares and loves them for who they and not what they are.
Facts!!
I honestly don't know what I would do without you and the personal development. Thank you Thais ❤
Thank you for your beautiful comment! We appreciate your support
0:26 Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I've felt blamed for not seeing it coming when that wasn't even they type of relationship I was starting or thought I was in.
Thank you so much for considering my comment on the previous video and speaking much more purposefully and intent...
OMG, I think this describes me-I am avoidant. In my defense, I was abused and neglected as a child. I have done extensive inner work, so I'm making progress. I am glad that I reflect on my actions and motivations. This has allowed me to analyze why I was uncomfortable with receiving emotional validation but was comfortable giving it.
I believe relationships require self-awareness, accountability, and clear communication.
Despite receiving abuse from multiple people throughout my life, I am still choosing to show up. I want you all to know that there's no way I could have done this without God.
I wish my ex would read this and reflect from it :( i still hope she found the questions and the answer that shes looking for 3 days no contact :/
Thank you for this. I’m a anxious preoccupied type 😂, however not sure if I’m that anymore. My ex husband is a avoidant type, though seems that he could be changing, I dk. I’ve had to change for myself.
We are reconnecting after having divorced two years ago.😔
Not something I wanted, as I love him❤. And he says he loves me.
As there was a betrayal of trust on his part, it’s trying to rebuild. Forgiving, not forgetting what happened. But concentrating on the now.
Well you just described exactly how I felt after my breakup. It would be nice to have a video for avoidants on how to know if you really sabotaged something worth trying to go back to and thats why you're sad or of you're just finally being hit with the emotions. Sox or seven months after the break up I just went thru some of the hardest feelings of missing the good things. Were together for 12 years. With a lot of space though I think I can see we were just too far apart on certain expectations and the way we wanted to live our daily weekly lives. But it was so confusing when those feelings hit
Best option is throw avoidants out of your life permanently and move on to new person 😌😌😌 this people are mad they don't deserve relationship this avoidants should actually remain unmarried forever 😌
Currently in no contact with my avoidant Borderline ex fiancé. Struggling with how great and healthy our relationship was and then one day she snapped and internalized her feelings and abruptly left without barely a conversation. As much as I want her back, she needs to want to do the work. She worshipped me and now it’s like she never even knew me or cared at all. I shouldn’t want her back but I do because I know she has bpd and I just want to help her because I love her deeply and she says she still loves me. No contact is all I have left. Emotionally drained.
My heart feels for you. I get it. What happened?
@@tiffanyburke2785 thanks for asking. Sorry this is long:
My fiancé and I were together for 5 years but hit a rough patch for about 5 months, largely due to my increased vodka consumption during the pandemic. Both of us drank, but my health suffered, and I knew I needed to quit. I stopped drinking liquor 9 months ago and eventually quit altogether. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to stop, she wasn't around to see it because she was staying with a friend to foster kittens.
We had a loving relationship, but she has borderline personality disorder (BPD), which I didn't fully understand before. My drinking triggered her BPD, leading her to feel abandoned and abruptly break up with me. Her black-and-white thinking caused her to idealize and then devalue me. She barely gave me a chance to quit drinking and had poor communication skills. For 11 months, she wasn't herself, even though she's been in treatment for 5 years and on medication for longer.
She broke up with me, saying it was a hard decision because she still loves me. She moved out for 6 months for space, expressing a desire to be together again but without making promises. I have hope that we can fix things and be stronger, but I'm worried about her BPD cycle repeating. She needs to work on not thinking in black-and-white through therapy.
More recently she agreed to couples therapy and easing back into the relationship. Then she snapped again and got scared. She kept pushing and pulling back, so I decided to tell her I’m going to move on since she wouldn't communicate clearly. I stopped contacting her 40 days ago, hoping she'd gain perspective. Most engaged couples support each other through tough times, and I'm hoping she'll come around after having space to miss me. That's where things stand now.
@@tiffanyburke2785 thank you for asking.
My fiancé and I were together for 5 years but hit a rough patch for about 5 months, largely due to my increased vodka consumption during the pandemic. Both of us drank, but my health suffered, and I knew I needed to quit. I stopped drinking liquor 9 months ago and eventually quit altogether. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to stop, she wasn't around to see it because she was staying with a friend to foster kittens.
We had a loving relationship, but she has borderline personality disorder (BPD), which I didn't fully understand before. My drinking triggered her BPD, leading her to feel abandoned and abruptly break up with me. Her black-and-white thinking caused her to idealize and then devalue me. She barely gave me a chance to quit drinking and had poor communication skills. For 11 months, she wasn't herself, even though she's been in treatment for 5 years and on medication for longer.
She broke up with me, saying it was a hard decision because she still loves me. She moved out for 6 months for space, expressing a desire to be together again but without making promises. I have hope that we can fix things and be stronger, but I'm worried about her BPD cycle repeating. She needs to work on not thinking in black-and-white through therapy.
More recently she agreed to couples therapy and easing back into the relationship. Then she snapped again and got scared. She kept pushing and pulling back, so I decided to tell her I’m going to move on since she wouldn't communicate clearly. I stopped contacting her 40 days ago, hoping she'd gain perspective. Most engaged couples support each other through tough times, and I'm hoping she'll come around after having space to miss me. That's where things stand now.
Same boat brother i love my ex to death but im in a 3 days no contact
These people just love to hear their self talk. These TH-camrs find a new term and run with it. This helps them adjust and cope in their reality. Remember, it’s no measure of sanity to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
This term has been around since the 70s. Attached is bible of this backed by science
Thank you I thought this video was informative as I’m just starting to understand avoidant attachment style ❤
We’re both like this! It’s awful. I’m just learning this stuff… thank you 🙏
Doing the healing work now. Thank you for the info you provide. We’re all a work in progress. ❤
Keep up the wonderful work :)
I wonder if the DA, I loved was a covert narcissist. I just don't know. Thanks for being a light for me all these years. If she tried a little... I guess this will never be. Thank you!
Not worth the time if they don’t want the love you’re offering… they I think don’t care if ure gone… for a month I’ve been chatting, he was flirting and such… he sweet and giving me his time and attention early morning when he’s up. But later he just being relax.. I the one often initiating to chat till we reached one month and he said we’re moving too fast… I fought for him, still giving him my attention and sent him letters, snail mail and some other stuff.. and last May 3 I have heard from him that he said he only wants friends… last we talked that one and I stopped initiating to chat with him… been 2 weeks now that we have no communication… I gave up. I rather have to focus on myself and my job. If one dont want my love and attention, then no problem to that,.. I know the good one is just right there waiting for me.
I have seen a lot of these videos, but this is very good
How do Dismissive Avoidants deal with being broken up with? Especially if DA were satisfied with the status quo, and the other person was secure, calm and kind in separating with them, after a relatively peaceful relationship (no volatility / rollercoaster of intense push-pull and arguments/making up)
I imagine the separation elation is not that strong if present for the DA in this case, and they might hit their emotions sooner.
How does the advice in this video change if the DA is the one burned with rejection and losing someone they deeply loved and still wanted to be with?
I'm in this position. We still speak a little. In the meantime, everything I post on social media is liked within 5 minutes... it's a bit much. I have seen them once for coffee since I broke it off, and at the end they gave me a huge hug and said they wanted to catch up again for lunch and then they wanted to come to my house to meet my cats (they always refused to come to my house!). So they are chasing me, but if I give them a compliment, pay them too much attention, engage in a longer conversation then they back off... for about a day. I have moved on and am dating other fabulous people and am very happy.
@@amiaow glad that you have found the will to move on and are very happy :) that's important.
I told mind that I am ready in my life for a man who wants the same things I do; full commitment, ring on my finger and marriage! Somebody who sees me as the woman to grow old with.
I did have quite a good relationship with my DA, but that full commitment was something he was not Emotionally available for. We shared a lot with each other, including the sometimes vulnerable talks that are required for deep understand. We drew out a calm, loving and respectful joy in each other. Friendship was always the cornerstone that we could fall back on when it got wobbly, but the last two years it was never rocky. I think it's 50/50 that he will come back and propose to me.
Anyway, I told him I don't want to be friends. We should give each other space to focus on our own priorities. I wouldn't be able to focus on meeting my next big love with his energy around. I also cannot introduce him to a future husband as "just a friend" - it would be a lie.
Yup I had one DA send memes on 2 different social media accounts after we hadn’t talked for months. I ignored them both. Sorry by that time I wanted more depth & he obviously wasn’t able to give that.
What an intelligent video. Thank you for sharing this information. It’s very enlightening.
This is the best explanation out there. Thank you.
after my last go around with mine im done.. the ignoring and running and lies and stress... 20 days ago she totaled my new truck.. i wasn't even mad then 2 days later she blocked me and hasn't said a word since.. last time i talked to her she said goodnight i love you and then blocked me... it's not worth the stress
Thais, I'm pretty sure that I have watched literally every single video you've put out in the last year about the Dismissive Avoidant. I feel like I've heard you say the same thing, reiterated, many times. I'm really curious if there is anything new about this topic, that I haven't already heard before. Is there any new insight, or nugget of wisdom? Because I've heard Feelings minus their Fears hundreds of times, and I totally get it.
I love Thais and all her videos. I found this person very informative as well and a little different information but both very good. 😊th-cam.com/users/liveOkIxfPL0x64?si=fE4fqIQdJT0PKucl
are you listening to understand yourself, or someone else?
😂
wow . burn . how about some gratitude for everything she has taught you ? .... - for free ... its obvious you have not watched all the videos , or you would not have posted such a self entitled comment
My DA gf of 6 years dumped me a month and a half ago. She was having an emotional affair/Flirtmance with her boss who’s a dentist. After going no contact after she dumped me, she texted me wanting to work things out. I said I wanted to work things out also, and we went on several dates. After the 4th date I thought things were going really well. Then she tells me she was going for dinners with him behind my back, while we were trying to work things out. She said she met him at a restaurant and afterwards gave him a bj in his car. She came clean. I was disgusted. Now she says she wants to work things out with me. Now she’s acting all loving. I’m trying to make it work cause I love her still, but I feel absolutely betrayed and don’t trust her.
I’m sorry. That’s despicable behavior and you deserve better. Good luck ❤
she will use sex outside the relationship as a blocker and distancing technique for the love she feels for you . textbook avoidant .
that's despicable behaviour ... why do some of this attachment style get a kick from cheating and lying and other such like malignant behaviour?
Sounds like she’s messing with your heart and likes the attention from you and him. Is she a narcissist? Sounds like triangulation. I’d walk away. You deserve better
@@flagirl0315 there s scientifical studies most DAs like triangulations even if just flirt but it can be more.
can you please direct me to more disorganised attachment.....I've just discovered about attachment behaviours and its such an eye opener....I related so much to the disorganised one and its both great to finally know but also so sad to realise all the things. I just broke up with someone with strong anxious behaviour. It was chaos for me, I wanted to jump off a bridge multiple times. such complex emotions. she was actually super toxic when scared, full blown manipulation, gas lighting, lying....and had lots of partners so has just moved on so fast and I'm left almost wondering what reality is and have had to really get friends and family around to make sure I don't do osmething stupid in a moment of feeling total panic
Truth is DA's are hard to deal with. most of them dont come back because most of them cant get their shit together and change..they are mostly scared to be vulnerable and speak up..let alone most of them has huge traumas and egos about protecting themselves only. They wont listen to anyone but themselves. and even if they get back, its a hamster wheel of on and off. Unless the DA seeked professional help and have you in the care plan, and you guys seek prof help..then it could work out. but majority, wont.
So grateful to find you at this time in my life. 🙏🙏🙏 Subscribed!
This was so helpful. Thank you.
Starting to cherish the centuries of cultural traditions
Amazing video. I could relate to this a lot. Thank you.
What if you don’t have passions and dreams anymore? Where do you go from there?
🎉I am old school... Either someone wants to be with you or they don't. Some of you guys just don't listen to what a female tells you and try to change her to meet your needs.
If a woman tells you I don't want kids, a committed relationship, don't need a man, not looking for marriage, you need to follow your first inclination.
Perfect.
Well that's a given isn't it? If you pursue someone after them telling you all of that, then there's something majorly wrong with you.
Not really .... Why are you here?
Exactly! I’m that woman. I never NEEDED a man, but I did want one at some point. Partially biological I assume and the other part societal pressure. In fact, I would say a good portion of my dating experiences stemmed from trying to be normal but that’s a conversation for another day. I tell men I don’t want kids, marriage and I even question cohabitation, and they just nod and smile. They tell me I’m cool and independent. Eventually, they get pushier, some almost aggressive as they pick me apart over time. Why don’t you want this thing like my ex did? Don’t women typically love birthday parties? The best was the conservative guy who told me I’d be perfect if I hadn’t let my feminist education poison my mind. I’m great broodemare material I guess, just these pesky brains getting in the way.
And I was once that man. I lost the love and friendship of a great woman by projecting my insecurities onto her.
Hi Thais can you please make a video on FOMO and what core wounds it’s associated with? I think shame, I am bad and not living in alignment to your needs are key components of it. Love you sm
But first they would have to go so far as to figure out what they want then tell you. There in lies the issue
Yep! These personality types are not sure of who they are or what they want. They tend to suffer a major identity crisis and never find themselves as throughout life, that is all they can do - narcissistically pursue themselves b/c they don't know themselves so this is why they can't know you or want to pursue you b/c they don't know or care enough about themselves.
your content is simply amazing ..xx
What is the difference between a Narcissist and an Avoidant
As far as I know, narcissists have no remorse, while DA’s have , but they’re wired differently than the majority, and don’t understand the intensity of emotions and the need of so much intimacy and closeness. For a DA, most people seem too needy. They’ve learned to be independent since being a baby, as they had to. They learned to supress their emotions as a survival mechanism. So they get in touch with their feelings very hardly. They shut off when feeling demanded for intimacy. DA here…
In order for a da to realize you're gone, they must first care about you in the first place. ANd they don't.
What if your DA started casually dating another person immediately after the breakup?
Is there still a chance they’ll go through the stage of missing the relationship and person they were with after the 3/4 month mark?
The moment you said the avoiding is afraid I have to call out the BS. They're risk assessment, and they decided you weren't worth the risk. 😅😂
I like the segue way into the course info on this video - less abrupt and hearing the metrics is helpful💗
If a DA rarely ever reaches out, do I break no contact? I know almost every video says the "dumper" is the first to reach out, but if avoidants don't reach out, how do you re establish that connection?
It's the decision of the dumper to come back. How does that work with the paradoxical nature of avoidants? Thank you ❤️❤️✨✨
Would absolutely love your thoughts on this. Thank you ✨☀️❤️
I was with mine for 4 years every other month she would break up with me for 2weeks at a time then panic on the third week of not talking. It really hurts this time I literally told her what she was doing and how bad it hurts and to just talk to me if she could- it was like one ear out the other.
Really took a hit on my soul- I’m a great looking guy I believe and have zero isssues being hit on by a lady or picking up a lady. And I’m stuck on this person who I road this coaster with 4 years. First time it happened she dumped me blocked me for 3 weeks I slept with another chick. I thought I was dumped. To this day she literally thinks I cheated I said you dumped me. She said we were still together. I mean she dumped me the other day and I was upset thinking another dude was involved she said there wasn’t she can’t do this with me anymore. She blames everything on me 😮 even when she has no proof of me doing any wrong doing she said you have been cheating on me
I said no not true she said your actions speak diffrent they will believe stuff that’s not true to run
Weird
But I’m hurt
For a change block her..that will teach her to grow up
She only realised she lost me when she heard I found someone who treated me right. Now she's angry and telling my friends she's upset, despite her being the one who left.
What if there was no real relationship, because he is a workaholic and there were only 7 get togethers in 3 years? Does this apply?
I think so because it's fairly common to be in "situationships" with DA's.
Thank you so much.
I stopped wanting my DA ex back. Worked on becoming secure and really worked on emotional regulation. Had to do modified no contact because we work together. Finally broke no contact because I just want to work on the professional relationship and kill the tension as best as possible. Now, he's super anxious and angry towards me. Says he doesn't trust me (have no idea why as I didn't cheat, lie, steal, or initiate the break up)...but I am just so drained by him, I don't care about being the villain in his story. Just want to be cordial at work. Has anyone else dealt with this delayed weird residual anger from the DA? He like shakes when I speak to him and it's super off-putting. Made me realize I dodged a bullet. I'm just sick of minimizing myself for his comfort at work and refuse to do it anymore. Suggestions on how to handle this without being a totally inconsiderate asshole? Because I'm getting to that point lol
Don't mind his feelings at all. He is mad because he knows he was the monster and in error and can t take you are moving on. Again don't mind his feelings at all, even laugh in his face when you can. Remmember he didn't mind yours. If he can't be professionally consistent perhaps society is not for him and he should go living in a cave. Take heed of nothing when you interact with him. Just treat him like you would treat any other colleague. And if he gets unprofessional or unethical treat him like you would treat any unethical collegue. But if I were you I would have a little fun with it and play with his feelings (never anything romantical make sure you tell and show him he is not worth it) just by exhausting him emotionally.. when I would see him shaking then sticking around and pushing his buttons harder. He sounds like a selfish prick.
Honestly, as a woman, a man shaking and getting all spazzy just because I spoke to him would scare the hell out of me. I’m a DA and I’ve never read this being something we do, nor have I experienced it. There’s something more going on there as is with all of us because we’re not only our attachment styles. I would too say you dodged a bullet, and I would also lean towards maintaining the no contact for your possible safety. Leave that man alone, he doesn’t sound stable at all.
The comment above sounds crazy. Woman to woman, I assume you understand the fear of being in a situation with a man who you’re not certain of? When has it ever been a good idea to try to poke out a reaction? You could get hurt and HR wouldn’t be able to do anything but fire him. Again, I say stay away from him. This situation gives me the ick. Safety first always. You don’t need to understand him, we will leave this life not understanding many things and sometimes for very good reason.
I love my avoidant ex....no doubt about it. I don't know if i could ever trust them to stay even if she came back. She has run off twice now. Currently 5 weeks since the break up, however i admit i did attempt to reach out until she blocked me. I would not be shocked if she came back, but equally not shocked if i never hear from her again.
Is this the same for the fearful avoidant? Or, Idk. I still get those two things confused.
How do you know exactly which one you're dealing with?? 🤔
I think at the core the trauma wound might be different, FA fears abandonment but also does the abandoning, DA fears commitment and also abandons their partner, just for different reasons (i think)
We were best friends from the age of 12. I've always loved them, but we started dating at the age of 18. We moved in together, only now two years later aged 20 they blindsided me. I put on no contact and no longer want to date them, I want the close friendship we had for years. We were always very intimate and cuddly, and I'd do anything to get back to what we had, before they felt like they'd have to commit and grow as a person.
Great video 👏🏻
My ex always burries herself in MORE tasks to avoid her pain 😞
I wish I could take her pain away. We keep triggering each other's attachment style, round & round we go!
If she would only allow me to lead her to you, and help us with your counseling. She won't make the time 🫤
Identify avoidants early and stay away from them. She was sweet at first and I was securely attached because I liked her and we had good sex, but she started pitching hissy fits probably because she started feeling close. I devolved into anxious because she started to pull away. I lost my nerve once she broke up with me. I was a nervous wreck afterward because I was trying to fix it but just turns out she started sleeping with other men. They are just casual people they don’t like big displays of emotions.
Do they typically just go back to who they're comfortable with and not come back or commit to a new relationship that only made it to the three-month point?
I hope so lol! It was 4 years for me.
@@riverchick23 Ugh. That's a long time. I' think I'm watching too many videos about the different attachment styles. They're all excellent, but I'm still so confused. I have to force my self to stop overthinking as well. Very frustrating. Best wishes to you!
As a FA, no. I don't go back to an ex no matter how comfortable that was. (Only personal experience)
DA, I don’t go back and I didn’t find someone new for months/years. Now I just don’t date
@@sj3969 same. Best, a FA
so so true.
Question for u Thais, do avoidants ever realize they are actually hurting themselves in the long-run by pushing others away? I don't think anyone wants to be alone for the rest of their life right
You have to weigh your pros and cons. I've never once pushed someone away that was actually healthy. Another thing is that romantic relationships are truly not as important to some as they are to others. I have a big family, friends, people I network with, a business that I love running. I travel a lot, preferably by myself. I love having my kitties. My life is pretty cool. Why would you think we fear being alone?
I can't speak for all avoidants and I test secure now, but as someone who has predominantly lived life leaning avoidant, I find that people are too unpredictable to be focused on finding a partner. In my 44 years, I've dated 1 secure person and he left to be with his ex. So from what I've experienced, not even SA's are always safe to date. While I am open, I don't find dating to be important enough to seek out a partner. I never have. As for growing old without a significant other, that can happen anyway. People divorce, people die, people cheat and leave. I mean, nothing in life is permanent so why try and "lock in" a forever partner out of fear?
FYI, I wouldn't mind hearing Thais's take either.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I don't mean just in a romantic relationship. Avoidants act pretty much the same with friends and family too, so do they realize pushing away em doesn't really achieve anything? Unless they are just satisfied with superficial stuff in which most of em are. I think they just avoid looking deep within themselves and try to rationalize their self-sabotaging behaviors and compensate in other areas
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I guess u are a dismissive avoidant? Why deny urself the need for deep meaningful connections? Humans are all biologically wired for them, and u are not an exception to the rule. U can rationalize or compensate with other distractions, but ur real self still desires real connections with others
@@mercyveritas1125 you seem to be pigeon-holing the entire avoidant attachment style not realizing we're all different. I'm a healing FA and I love my deep, meaningful relationships with friends and family but I have zero issues with cutting people out if I deem them a threat aka toxic. There are very few I open up to, but those that I do, I truly value. I also have DA friends who have close relationships with friends and family. They don't bleed out emotions like some, but for those of us they feel safe with, they will share and be close with us.
What is a creatures comforts?
Material comforts
How do you know when someone is an avoidant or just a self centered, selfish, neglectful person.
How do I know he’s avoidant vs just not that interested but pretends to be
My boss is lady who initiated contact, and then left but I have no idea how deal with this she doesn't want me to move on neither I want.
Excellent advice. Thank you.
How does this melting iceberg work when they ran back and dating an old friend of ours that they’ve never been able to work. They’ve tried it probably 5 times in 30 years. I don’t know if he will self reflect at all on our relationship if being distracted by her. 14 years wasted. 😢
The da was on and off, on and off according to the levels of familial responsibilities required, boredom and need for validation. I know now he “quasi” came home when he needed space from those situation-ships. I don’t need to be a da to know us normies have these moments too. I got over my badass childhood, wiped my nose and fought hard for a better life for me and my kids.
Step #2 !!!
I’m not clear on no contact. What if the DA contacts you? Do you ignore them? Or respond but never actively reach out to them?
When I was a child, I acted like a child, & thought like a child but when I became a man I put my childish ways behind me! Aka grow up & stop blaming your childhood as an excuse to be anything but the beautiful woman or good man that you are meant to be in Gods eyes in Jesus great name! Amen. We are present & accountable for right now but to move on from your past in relationships with God you can be healed & forgiven to move forward in your life! So stop looking down & back & start looking up & forward! God has endless good fruits to bear while the devil is the teller of lies & wants to condemn damn & convict you to believe you are still a child when you are NOT! F your subconscious excuses, justification, & this worldly ideology of being someone who is making excuse to validate being a narcissist or sociopath aka demented by sexual perversion, drunktarded, feminism, astrology, vibing, lust, manifesting, or whatever other lie the devils been whispering into your eyes! Love this lady & her heart is in the right place & I’m sure it helps some people but it is not the answer…only a relationship with Christ is the truth & that truth will set us freee! 🕊
What about a DA having an affair after 39 years of marriage? He’s back and forth with me and affair partner? Is there hope in saving our marriage?
Make sure it’s just ‘DA’ and not narcissism. Cheating and narcissism often go hand in hand and stringing along two women is extremely selfish to both.
Trying to work out getting back together with my avoidant. He likes to spit out one sentence of his thoughts sandwiched between unrelated conversation. I'm now asking him to think about our needs and wants and find a time to discuss the road map going forward. He's a little slow in scheduling that convo.
My psychee is just so destroyed far beyond repair, ive just settled being alone
Love this clip, it s the first time you talked on ordinary speech, i really love the content but sometimes talking too fast made me leave the clip before it ended. Thank you.
Is that course in the personal developement school?
Do we need to tell that avoidant person at this point of time that it's over.. will that work?
Sometimes I wish people would just shut the hell up. I feel very lonely.
How does it work when your DA husband is in an affair? Is the affair a copeing mechanism?
What about the FA?
The girl i just broke up with was there physically not emotionality
Jesus filled my love tank that's why I surrendered praying 🙏 if he is the right person, God will bring him back 🙏
I never even heard of dissnisdive avoidant until recently and even thought psychology was for coocoos, did not care for it, BUT without all that knowledge, I KNEW all of what you said.
Interesting. As a DA I don’t think I’ve went through a depressive episode in the long term of a break up, but immediately after. However, I do believe all of my break ups for good reason. I’m a woman who doesn’t want marriage, children and hell maybe not even living together. This means I run into a bunch of men who wouldn’t be good for me or happy with me after a while, so I tend to cut things off. I feel sad a bit, but righteously lmao. However, it is stated that this depressive episode might come after a long term relationship…I don’t do those so maybe that’s why I haven’t experienced it.
What a fulfilling life you are living. Did you ditch your parents too?
You think all your breakups were a good choice? How would you know otherwise? The very core of a dismissive avoidant is to sabotage relationships through a defense mechanism of deactivation which are distancing strategies. Since its subconscious and it's a defense strategy you have no clue if it was a good choice or not, you're responding by fear most likely.
@@nevadanitesall the excuses she made are defense mechanisms, I ask about dealbreakers on the first date, any man who wants children is a no because I have 2 already, no point in a second date, but to continue seeing a person then discarding them months later whilst saying all these reasons sound like defensive mechanisms imo
@@ronmexico8383 wow. What an unhelpful comment. You must be proud.
@@nevadanites she knows she doesn't want marriage, kids or to live with anyone and so maybe she doesn't want to find out. What she's doing is amazing because she's not leading anyone on to think otherwise. I generally don't date for similar reasons and that's okay. I love living alone, I don't believe in marriage and I also prefer vacationing by myself. It's not a defense mechanism...for me at least. I love being around people, but I cherish my space.
3-4 months? Yeah stay in your lane avoidants. Why should the rest of us wait on y’all while y’all show that y’all don’t care
This was how to explain in 50,000 words I'm selfish.
All these channels advise "if someone ghosts you, then ignore them" but this is just a stalemate. Nobody will break the silence and you just end up with no closure and don't win them back imo. Better to allow them a couple of months to ghost then give it them with both barrels, then go out and sleep with as many women as you can. I've tried both approaches, the 2nd offers faster closure imo the best revenge is creating their regret, get in great shape, learn a new language, ace your career. Grow dont stagnate and they will be tormented by this.
I’m an avoidant. Why don’t I just date another avoidant so we understand each other and have our own relationship style instead of trying to fit into someone else’s over needyness
It's the avoident at problem here, they can make even a healthy person needy! I was a Fa dating a FA and it did not work. Anyone with an attachment style problem needs therapy. Stop settling for less for yourselfs and others. Hurt people, hurt people..... not very attractive tbh
I prefer dating avoidants and I've always leaned avoidant. It doesn't last, but neither have the relationships I've had with FA's, AP's and even secure.
I’d take a really long look at that comment and maybe think about yourself instead of playing the blame game
@@PaigeHermence-c4h I already have looked at my own mistakes and that's why I'm happily single now 😊 no relationship is worth torment or risking you're mental health over. I will stay single until I do my own inner work and when ready, meet another who has done the work aswell 👍
That's the problem with avoidants, someone genuinely shows care and love , you guys deem it as neediness, obsession and possessiveness. when its not all the time, the same case.