"Handling Disrespect and Abuse From Your Adult Alienated Child" Dr. Joshua Coleman
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 พ.ย. 2022
- Most parents have a hard enough time with their child’s alienation, without having to endure abuse from the child. While no one is completely immune to the effects of verbal abuse, our children probably have more power than anyone to make us feel helpless, hopeless, guilt-ridden, and depressed. This is because our children are the people in whom we’ve invested the greatest amount of love, time, and money and for whom we have had the highest hopes of being loved in return.
In addition, most if not all parents get their self-esteem as parents from how their children treat them. If their children are loving and respectful, most parents feel not only proud of their children’s behavior, but proud of the reflection that the adult child holds up to them as parents. Alienated parents are deprived of this mirror and have to work much harder to maintain their self-esteem and psychological balance.
For those with children whose lives haven’t gone well, the parent has the double sorrow of worry about the child, and guilt and sorrow that there isn’t the closeness with that child that they assumed would be there at this point in their lives.
In this webinar we’ll learn why alienated adult children behave in disrespectful and abusive ways, how to best respond whey they do.
Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a non-partisan organization of leading sociologists, historians, psychologists and demographers dedicated to providing the press and public with the latest research and best practice findings about American families.
He has written for The New York Times, The Atlantic, NBC THINK, The Behavioral Scientist, CNN, MarketWatch, the San Francisco Chronicle, Greater Good Magazine, AEON, Huffington Post, Psychology Today and more. He has given talks to the faculties at Harvard, the Weill Cornell Department of Psychiatry and other academic institutions. A frequent guest on the Today Show and NPR he has also been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, PBS, America Online Coaches, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.
He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Rules of Estrangement (Random House); The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins)
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
His books have been translated into Chinese, Korean, Russian, Polish, and Croatian.
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
Dr Coleman also writes music for film and television. His music has been featured on Lethal Weapon, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Longmire, Shameless, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Fresh Off the Boat, Supergirl, Mistresses, Hustlers, RuPaul's Drag Race and many more.
As a parent I found the years of trying to keep the family together the most painful and hurtful. It's the constant snubbing, never being able to be good enough or able to do enough for family members. Forever saying sorry. Forever being forgiving became totally taxing mentally and physically. Four generations, grandparent, parent, siblings then finally adult children, years of joy stolen. Now finally the lid has blown off. Relief, peace and bliss. Hopefully at 82 I can now spend the rest of my life at peace with God and His creation. No more going without and tippy toeing about to please everybody's sensitivities.
Praying for peace in your life.
I’m so proud of you. You will have so much more energy to enjoy life by letting your family grow up! You deserve fun, joy and happiness. Keeps you young and enthusiastic about life and God💕💕
I did Sunday dinners to keep my family together.. I work full time in my 50s and none of the adult kids would help cook/ clean up dishes.. I was exhausted! I was refereeing fights/ drama on a weekly basis. Dealing w my adult kids using their kids as pawns in exchange for money.. I am happier than ever after going no contact! My bp I'd dwn.. My weight is dwn from continuous high cortisol.. I had no one in the 1st place to reciprocate anything when I needed them.. No one talks about the grief/ shame we experience going through this and we need to talk more about how children( adult kids) can wreck your health/ life
@@mamas-jeep1984 so very true. I find now after time, I do not miss the constant trying on my part with nothing ever good enough. They made me hurt the worst, and the last time. I find now, it is true that time can heal the deep hurt.
You should have been more like my mother and told everyone that family is shit and worthless and when her kids finally stopped falling to her, she didn’t care.
I don't want reconciliation with my kids. They are good to others, have good careers but they are mean and disrespectful to me. I don't even know who they are but I don't want this in my life. (I've suggested counseling for all but they refused)
good for you! keep up in your strength in doing so.
I’m trying to get to the point where I can just let them go because it’s just to painful to be attacked all the time. I cry daily
I'm starting to cry just reading this. Today, as usual, my daughter verbally abused me for some abstract reazon only she knows. She is always telling g me how to act, spend money and what a piece of crap I am. I don't fight back since it's like adding gas to her flame. I get a nervous suck feeling when I hear her texts coming through.
@@clamboat6075 I’m sorry I’m have the same thing. But I recently blocked my kids. Enough abuse
Same experience
You can't communicate with an abusive person.
Yes ... nor uncommunicative, even ghosting, ones.
One (of hundreds) of reasons for cutting off/even hostility, has always been when a parent (or any other relative...or former friend...becomes a real Christian/falls in love with God ... I'm not talking about those who may push their new belief/feelings on them. God's Word said this WILL happen to those who become believers.. ("They (all unbelievers) hated Me first.") We HAVE TO love GOD above EVERYONE ... otherwise the consequences WILL take over (constant tears, depression) and destroy you ... which is a terrible victory for Satan ... it makes the believer totally ineffective/useless for Him and anyone else.
That includes a toxic abusive parent.
"HON0R the Child"
.. please.
@@michellemonet4358❤no child consented to birth. Parents took that liberty😊
@@diantinatalist6686 Not all parents are created equal.
You get tired of walking a tightrope with your own kids, having to reverse roles with them so that they can become your parent! 🙄Say one “wrong” thing to them, at least in their minds, and you’re cut off. I think this is a huge spiritual battle, and our kids need constant prayer. ✝️🙏
We do need to pray much for them as well as ourselves. We need to trust God and wait on His timing.
"Say one 'wrong' thing to them, at least in their minds, and you’re cut off." That is an insightful comment and is exactly what I experience with my alienated children. I find it so bizarre these common threads so many alienated parents share with other alienated parents concerning the cruel and inhuman treatment we receive at our children's hands. It's almost like there is some perverse, diabolical school they enroll in which trains them to act this way. The same with the alienating parents: it's like they all learn from one another how to "steal, kill, and destroy."
Same thing happened to me, say one thing wrong, they feel hurt deeply, they never think of the way they hurt their parents, then, they cut you off using our grandchildren to hurt us.
@@tcrypt25519 😂
@@tcrypt25519 who are you referring to?
This entire alienation thing is demonic. I cannot think of any other reason for this to be so bad. It is fkn horrible, evil, mean spirited, and unbelievable that someone can do this to a parent.
It really is so very cruel
Well said. I feel the same. I was abused ad achild, but always did my best that they have a happy childhood. Family said I spoilt them The father was not much involved
@LR-yu3mx Truthfully, it sounds like success in such circumstances might be very difficult. Divorce and abuse are harmful.
For some of us it's sheer survival.
@@LR-yu3mx'did my best'.... grrrr... Stop that, please. There is an implied assumption in that😢assertion that that must have been good enough, in the exact ways your child required.
Obviously, the proof is in the eating. Its not for you to decide that the pudding was yummy good and hit the spot exactly.
Only the recipient of your 'best' can determine if that worked well or not. Please think on this. Let your ego go out for ice cream and ponder this deeply. It might just bring your child back if you can admit your best might not I have been wrong, but it might not have been the right thing for your particular child's needs.
If you are still breathing, there is still time to work to correct your relationship and die happy.
Signed-
a broken, but healing😅 Child who's Parents did no wrong...and can't talk to them but wants to desperately. I love them so much but they don't even like me. 😢
I can't believe so many people are going through this. At work, I hear co-workers talking about how wonderful their kids are and how they're visiting them all the time. I guess I'm odd man out-I get nothing but grief from my kids. I haven't seen my son in 6 years and now, I no longer want to have anything to do with my daughter. I won't let her hurt me again. Thank you so much for getting back to me. And thanks for helping so many others. I hate to admit it but it's a relief that I'm not alone in this. THANKS!!!!!
Never are you alone!
Thanks!!!@@FamiliesDividedTV
@@janettepolt2815 so welcome. I hope other of our videos can help you.
I haven't talked to my daughter in over 10 yrs. Do not know my 3 grandsons. Her choice. NO GOING BACK.
@@valeriegabriel4456 so very sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help.
It is horrifying to be estranged from my daughter. I have grandchildren I’m missing out on …what a huge shame! I feel badly about anyone feeling what I feel!
I am truly sorry for your situation. The videos here on our you tube, our website and our conferences can help you. Stay strong and trust God.
@@FamiliesDividedTV thank you very much!
@@Sally-ih6ls So very sorry.
@@tcrypt25519 who are you referring to?
You’re not alone. I miss my daughter too. This parental alienation is the worst kind of pain I’ve ever had.
There is nobody who hasn't made a mistake. Kids who "over punish" their parents are really people who choose to act out. My mom wasn't perfect, I never mistreated her
Absolutely 💯 My mom was a functional alcoholic. She had trauma in her childhood. She apologized for not doing better. I never held her pain against her. I never alienated her. She just passed this past Jan. I kissed her face as she was taking her last breath. I accepted her humaness with unconditional love and grace to the very end. I miss her every single day! Take good care of yourself! Xxoo
@@peanuts867 This breaks my heart. I experienced a simular Situation with my parents, but when my dad passed, I never held grudges and still miss him today ( He passed in 2008 ).
Now I am taking care of my mother.
She was never able to show me Love, she was never there for me emotinally, but I know she loves me in her own way.
My two kids ( 17 & 22 ) got all this from me.
But I feel very much disrespected by the way they talk to me.
It's like walking on eggshells and it hurts me deeply.
I tried many times to talk to them about this, asked them, what I do wrong but these conversations go nowhere.
Many times they reach out only If they need me for something.
I'm 48 now and I feel depressed, thinking how close we once were when they were small and now I feel I am no longer meaningful or importent in their life.
Their father makes much more money and has a big house.
My daughter moved in with him a year ago, because we had conflicts , like lot's of parents and teenagers have.
But their dad lets get her away with everything she wants.
My son moved out with friends closeby my home but never stopped by to visit .
But he does hang out with his friends many weekends at his house in the Netherlands to party.
I don't have that space.
I can't take them in vacation or buy them a lot of stuff.
But I raised them most of the time all by myself and I was a loving,caring mother.
Of course I was not perfekt, nobody is.
They were born and grow up in the Staates, but due to a financial crisis I had to move to my home country Germany when they were 6 &11.
Sometimes I get angry at them and can't control my emotions.
Then they never make the first step.
I always find a reason sooner or later ro contact them again.
I know when I did them wrong and always appologize If I was wrong.
My son rarely does appologize, my daughter never ever did.
She suffers with psychlogical problems, possibly borderline, but this will not be diagnosed officially till she is 18.
My son has no problems. He is very social, succsessfull and knows what he wants in life.
But money does mean a lot to him and dad always gives it to him.
I wonder If this might be just a phase and they come around later in life or If this is their character.
Parental Alllianation is for sure going on between my daughter and me.
I know her dad talks bad about me many times.
Something I never do.
But I wonder If I just let them go.
Maybe they come back one day, maybe not.
This wondering about all this day in, day out makes me slowley really crazy and depressive.
@Tim B We all make mistakrs,that is perfectly normal.and human.
You , I am sure did too.
It depends to own your mistakes and to make them right.
Of course , I am not talking about beaten Up my child and then say, Oh dear, I am sorry I beat you up.
I talk about normal daily life problems, which accour for sure, once your child becomes a teenager.
@Tim B First of all, I never said it 's just a mistake parents make, who beat up their children.
I have no understanding for this and this is never OK.
Your question I can answer.
Actially, I had to think about it for a while.
I had to think about things I did wrong and regret regardimg my children.
One big mistake I did was arguing with their father many times in front of them.
I do have ADHD, so I have a tendency to become impulsive when I am frustrated and say things before I think.
My former husband ( their dad) is a very quiet person, but also pushed my buttons with his passive aggressiv behavior toward me.
When I was a child my parents did fight terrible when I was around and I hated it.
So I should have controlled my emotions around my children , especially since I knew how this makes you feel as a child.
I did appologize to them every time and promised to not do this again - I broke this promise to many times.
The other thing I regret deeply is that I am a very chaotic person and I never was able to keep our house cleaned up for long, after I separated from their dad and just the three of us moved into an appartment.
I was working full time and on my off days I just to often could not get myself to start cleaning up.
So thatfore my kids rarely could bring their friends over, at least not without giving me notice days in advance.
I was to embarressed about my place for their friends to see.
So there you got my answer.
I feel really bad about those things, I can't go back in time to change this.
But on the other side I know that my kids always knew that they are loved and I did many things really well with them.
This is the difference in generations I believe. This generation are the "me" generation. All about themselves.
Wow!!!! Did not realize so many elderly are going through the same verbal abuse. It helps to know my situation is not isolated. Bless all that are suffering in this manner at a time when life is so challenging at best.
You truly are not alone.
@@FamiliesDividedTVthank you - just found your Chanel 🙏
@@jita14 glad you did! I hope our videos help you.
@@FamiliesDividedTV I am so glad I found it today too!
I am no contact with my ex mil. She treated me horribly and after her son (my deceased husband) OD and died (she enabled his addiction since he was a teen, her other son is an addict too) she took his life insurance, trust fund, and gofundme that was made for me and our babies. I asked her for family therapy and she refused. She threatened to have me killed and I had to get a vpo.
But tells everyone I’m the abusive one. Make is make sense
some treat you with only contempt and disrespect yet demand you still "parent" them unconditionally with resources, support, rescuing and enabling
So sorry for this. There are many videos here to help you.
I am going through that right now with my 22 daughter and she has a 2 yr old
@@datrajones7797 so sorry for your situation. I hope it gets better for you. I hope too our videos help.
Yes, some say the parent deserves disrespect because the adult child feels invalidated and has the right to put down the parent. I have heard an adult child tell his mom that she shouldn't insist on respect as he doesn't know how else to converse and that if she continues to insist, she will responsible for his suicide!
@@Tamarahope77 there needs to be much therapy here. So sad.
I was distraught for years. Went to and still in counseling. The gatekeeper daughter in law has literally poisoned my son. I blamed myself for years, have opened my eyes to the disrespect and the twisting of words and taking every word out of context. It gets to the point where the shame is so bad you consider your options: suicide or agree to let go of your adult child. The most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Thank you so much for your advice. All I can do is listen, learn and try.
I pray you never give up. I am so sorry for your situation. I hope that our videos help you.
Get angry with them and look after you, we've been through the same.
Same, you just described EXACTLY how I feel....sad but true.
@@romainejayne1811 so glad it was helpful. I hope other videos are as well.
Been there. Done that. My conscious mind tells me that my son is fine. My unconscious mind keeps trying to tell me that my son is dead and I often have nightmares about him being dead. Both are correct. He’s fine but our relationship is over so it’s as if he were dead.
From my experience the best thing to do is leave them alone and eventually they will come back if they are ever going to. Mine did once we went on with our lives, the more you try to beg them and show emotion the worse they will get.
My God I needed to hear this. It's so true. When I just move on with my life she is so good to me. When I tend to her every mood she treats me like absolute shit.
My fear is that if too much time goes by. They'll feel awkward getting in touch..😢
Yep what does that tell you it's just a selfish generation I'm sorry if that sounds judgemental but there's got to be something missing from them like maturity they all think they are victims
Also they are more wordly in a lot of ways & are very bright but they lack depth imho things like basic manners even the good ones are a bit remiss in that way
@@Nerdycrone I would feel awkward now if they got in touch after no contact in 3 yrs. 1/3 daughters talk to me.
I handle it by not speaking to them. My life is finally peaceful ❤
I wish.
@@jondhoe7023seems like quite an assumption
This message is not relatable! Just click bait
Absolutely.
I cant win and quit trying. If i text too short i dont care. If too long, they criticize and analyze everything i say. So i stopped all the way. Any communication will have to come from them.
I have cut my older daughter off.I can't handle the Disrespect any more. It's not what she says so much as her behavior over the past 18 years. She never shared with me how she felt. I made many mistakes, not taking into account how she might have felt about things like me getting married again .Having another daughter. Or not being in my grandchildren life's as much as she wanted. I was a single mom.My 2nd husband was to a cocain additic.the marriage lasted 3mons. My Olds daughter has always been jealous of my youngest daughter. I never thought about how it made her feel. Or how my oldest son must of fealt. I have 3 children. All I could see was how much they rejected there baby sister. And my youngest daughter suffered from all that rejection too. My oldest daughter that I have chosen not to talk too for a year now . I found out 3 yrs ago that my youngest daughter, her half-sister, and I are not in her wedding Album.And we were there. I blame alot of that on her stepmother. Lynn was a big influence in my 1st 2 children's lives. They lived with there Dad and their stepmother. The biggest problem is how my oldest daughter talks behind my back. And she wants to use my grandchildren like a pone in a game. And the pain she has caused my youngest daughter son. And she wants to the parent in our relationship and blames everything on me because I am Bi-polar. She's never wrong and I deserve what happens to me. Even writing this makes me hurt.And am better not seeing her because I don't think she will change any. I don't think I am strong enough to keep my boundaries up. She's 44 years old and I am 65 years old.I like what he said about writing down all the good things I have done as a parent.
The only time I heard from my son was for money or babysitting. After some horrendous abusive behavior from my step grand daughter I spoke out. I was told I was lying, and was booted from their life. Thank you God… so much better.
Lovejoy attitude
You can't have a conversation with him? do you know how to have constructive arguments and conversations are you leaving it up to him how to like you more or what
Same here. Only hear from my son & daughter in law when there is a game my grandson is in or to babysit..that's it.
Personally I believe undiagnosed disability or mental health challenges play a much bigger role than many appreciate!
I do think divorce plays a big role in adult children's behaviour towards you. In my experience, couples who stayed together get less flack from their adult kids.
Thank you for this. You are right, I never spoke to my parents like I'm spoken to by my adult children.
I am glad that this was helpful. I hope other of our videos are helpful too.
Soneone said having their daughter was the best thing to happen to them. That's what most parents think when they have newborn babies. Not in their wildest dreams would they think their children will treat them badly....unfortunately.
I never would have imagined as close as my son and I used to be that we would be like this today. Heartbreaking.
@@FamiliesDividedTV This is happening to so many parents. They just don't go around telling the world about it so new parents don't know the dark side of being parents.
@@ingenuity168 this is so true.
Please do me a favor and study some psychology some psychoanalytic theory generational trauma something anything!!!!!
Thank you for addressing this. I thought I was alone in this. Many sleepless nights.
You are definitely not alone.
Sadly very common
"Parents with low self esteem" i felt that!
Slowing but surely growing stronger and finally learning to love myself.
Stay strong and trust God.
You have no idea how comforting you lecture is. I’ve struggled for over 30 years with a broken relationship with my daughter. It started after her father and I divorced and she married at 19 to a very young self righteous young man who blamed me for the breakup of the marriage. For years I’ve been shut out of major events and now I’m in my 70s and time is so short. Your insight has freed me from a lot of guilt for things I have no idea what I did. I’m sure I Wasn’t perfect but I see no path for reconciliation.
I am so glad it was helpful. I hope other of our videos are.
This type of situation is spoken of at Romans 1:31. This verse speaks of “no natural affection “ one of the attitudes that would be prominent in the Last Days. One of my sisters just passed from a stroke, her oldest daughter stopped speaking to her about three years before over something really stupid. She knew she had been deathly sick and still had no words to say to her. This girl was never neglected, she was spoiled. Another daughter worried her to death about her terrible marriage and two days before her passing told her her house was going to be foreclosed, she was worried to death about that, calling family to see if they could help save her house. She was in very bad condition, lupus had caused her lungs to become harden and fluid was all through her body, that caused her to have congestive heart failure. She had been in intensive care for 2 weeks. She had been on oxygen continuously for about a year. She seemed to know that she was passing away. My daughter and her husband took thousands from me and moved away. She came back and apologized and said she would pay it back, I told her to keep it, I don’t need it now I needed it back then. I’m glad I am aware of the times we are living in. This was the 2nd time she did me dirty, believe me there won’t be another time. It’s disgraceful how kids show no appreciation. Don’t worry about them. You gave them life. Live your life.
@@eleanorsmith971 Most of them are demon possessed and you can spot it from their cold, cruel hearts and souless, evil actions.
I am in the same boat. I'm giving up.
Don't do anything more out of guilt. You could lose a lot. Jesus does not want us to be guilty .
After ten years of the icy hell of total estrangement, I suddenly developed a serious cardiac condition called tokotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as "broken heart syndrome." This condition can be fatal, and in my case was solely due to the grief and stress of having alienated adult children. I made every conciliatory effort, but the silence was total. I finally decided to respond by disinheriting them. I should not reward them for their emotionally abusive conduct.
So very sorry for your situation. More of our videos may help you.
@@FamiliesDividedTV I had a neighbor where her family of 5 lived in her mothers house and paid very little rent. She managed to kick her brother out who helped her mother financially and protected her When she kicked him out she forced her mother to sell the house and with the money, she bought herself a new house and made sure she was the only one on title. She now makes her mother pay more rent then she ever did when she lived with her and she’s constantly telling her I’m gonna throw you out after taking her house.
@@gioarias75 how extremely sad
Perfect call
Excellent advice...wish me luck 🤞
I’ve come to the conclusion that our adult children can’t stand to be around their parents who are just good and giving people and therefore remind their adult children of their selfishness, self-centeredness and entitlement. It’s like the saying Dr. Phil used to say: “There’s something about you that I don’t like about me.”
This webinar was a God-send. We finally closed the door on our 38 year old son who has spent his whole adult life blaming us for everything while his abusive mother who actually raised him gets a pass. Stockholm Syndrome. Thank you so much for validating our endless attempts to heal our family through therapy, workshops, seminars and endless self-help work. ENOUGH! No longer his punching bag! 💕
So not raising him is why he resents you. Makes sense.
Hello. I am shocked to see that I’m not alone in my confusion and sadness missing my oldest son. I grieve for these families, and how our children don’t understand, or grasp, just how important the older generations are for the younger generations to move forward. We describe it as a sort of passing on the baton. I remember the rise of the “me” generation in the 80’s. Remember the cash grab, when cash became king? I can even recall tv commercials promising “instant, total, gratification.” We went from “We the people,” to “me the person.” I always remind my other kids that nature favors the community over the individual. I feel like the measure of success changed in the 80’s. It used to be a man’s character was his measure of success. Now, the measure is only about the bank account. I just decided to ask my son what I could do to make this better? I’ve always offered to go to counseling with them if they needed to address past wrongs. I did not pursue my son any further. And, he came around. We are not yet close, but he communicates a little bit. I need my own time, because their father walked out when the were 6, 5, 4 and 1. He went back home to his parents, who lived about 3 miles away. Not only did he completely abandon them, yet his parents, their grandparents, his two sisters, their aunts, also abandoned them. They were the only grandchildren. They didn’t get a card, a visit or even a phone call, from any of them, for more than 12 years. In that time, I took the children and me and we all went to counseling. I always told them none of this was their fault. Their father not only abandoned us, but he did everything possible to make my life so so hard. He’d turn off all the utilities, he’d change jobs to avoid paying child support, he refused to provide the kids with health insurance, and when I finally got him back to court, he pulled the kids’ health insurance cards out of his back pocket, thus avoiding punishment. They has been insured, but never notified me. Meanwhile, I had been paying out of pocket for our dr. visits! So, you name it, he’d do it. Now, my beautiful son is buddies with that same absent father. He’s gotten a pass, while I’ve been held to unreasonable standards. He comes to town with his lovely two sons, but doesn’t even tell me. We hardly see the boys. Thank God he married well. His estranged wife is a great mom from a nice family, but they live far away in Europe. When they visit their father, he doesn’t ever bother to let me know. I don’t get to see the boys. Trust me, I know your pain. It sucks, but like you, I’m not going to defend myself anymore. I smile and pray for better. It’s all I can do. Love and peace to you. ❤
I just came across this video, and I’m glad I did! My oldest son, 58 yrs old, blames his father and I for how his life turned out. We divorced when he was three and he lived with his father part time, and me part time. I admit I was not the best mother, and his father was abusive to him and me.
My son has said some really hurtful things in the past and just recently. The most recent time was because I had told him not to speak to me in the manner he was….very disrespectful! As usual he showed his hateful side. He sent me a hateful, accusing message, telling me he didn’t like the person I have become, and felt we shouldn’t spend time together. I cannot go into detail about the full content of the message, it would take more writing space than I have on here. My son is a very self centered person, narcissistic, and like his father, mentally and verbally abusive. He is the same way with his current wife. He and she claims he has Lewey Body Dementia. I don’t believe he has this illness, and he won’t go to a neurologist to find out what his problem is. He does have something going on, and he shows signs of Parkinson’s. Nothing diagnosed to support that. He constantly says he is “terminal”, and in my opinion, and nursing experience, I feel he uses his illness(?) as an attention getter. I told him and his wife that until he got a professional diagnosis, I would not accept that he has dementia! Lewey Body can not be diagnosed until after death and an autopsy is completed. There is research being done to find ways to diagnose Lewey Body. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t want to see a neurologist because he will be told a different diagnosis.
He is my son, I love him, I do not condone his actions, or some of the things he and his wife do. His wife has her own mental issues, and by “ researching the internet “ they have decided his symptoms are caused by LB. I am 77, and I have few health issues……I went through abuse as a child, and in my marriage….I refuse to allow my son to verbally, and mentally abuse me. Im done!
I have been so hurt by his remarks, and his actions that I’m ready to walk away and have no contact at all!
I question myself and how I raised my children.
Lately, things have not gone well with my two children.
Something inside me has changed.
I do not feel the same about them anymore and am not sure if I ever will want to be around them like before.
We all sometimes question things. Take a step back. Remember these are your children God gave you. Never give up on them.
Its the not giving up on them that keeps you in the pain of their abuse, there is only so much a person can take, mine kids are in their 40s Ive been a single parent who has always been there for them and my grandchildren and yet Im bullied, used and abused.. at 61 Im done 😢😢
@@FamiliesDividedTV Then God better have them make the first move towards reconciliation because he also gave me a respect thy self line in the sand. I'm done carrying peoples waste buckets.
I chose you when I was raising you....Now
I choose me.
It's complicated grief..
Don't get stuck in anger or bitterness.
You can be estranged and have a wonderful life. It's a choice and decision to move forward and offer your adult child unconditional love and grace.
Everyone must choose whatever gives them peace.
Have dogs now
Very well said!!! I did the best I could for my son...I won't allow myself to be heartbroken by his on and off estrangement with out explanation any longer...Time for me to nurture myself for the time I have left...❤
@@valeriegabriel4456 same here. Unconditional love is wonderful.
I can relate to all of this and have kept it to myself cause I didn’t think others were going through the same thing. I hoped things would get better with age but for now i just need to be patient and try to enjoy the rest of my life I have left. I tried everything, now I continue to pray for them and put them in Gods hand.
I hope some of the other videos here can be a help to you.
@abderson49100 omg I'm starting to feel like a troll n I don't mean to offend all of the hurting parents even those who may very well have harmed their adult children immensely n are in denial n certainly not those who no matter they're mistakes don't deserves to be treated so contemptuously by adult children going no contact without at least trying to talk with their parents about their feelings. But again I don't see any acknowledgement of any mistakes, shortcomings, poor decisions, occasional selfishness or any mention of the amends letter. Why is that? It's easy to say n even convince yourself that you did everything but of course you didn't. I'm not saying you should but be honest at least with yourself. Just say as much as I love my kids I'm not willing to do certain things for them to feel better about me n our relationship. I think they would at least appreciate your honesty .
It's quite astonishing how many are going through this, isn't it? Joining you in prayer🙏🏻
@@brandykmany folks have tried very hard including letters of apology and invitations for discussions of those things that we may not know about, etc.
Many. In which case hardened unforgiveness or the complications mentioned in the video are factors. Life is complicated, and short...and it is very sad to leave such an important relationship fractured...just so sad for everyone involved.🙏🏻
It's an epidemic
I am a parent in the same boat. My daughters were happy and we were such a close loving family until they graduated from University. They became complete strangers, they went from loving me to hating me and when I asked them what I did wrong, they couldn't even find an answer, which leaves me NO closure. They walked away from me in 2020 with no contact, not even for special occasions. I spent so much time trying to contact them to tell them I love them and all I got in return was they blocked me from all platforms and means of contact.
So very sorry for your situation. I do hope the videos help.
Stop reaching out...the woke left got to them and they drank the kool-aid. Let them come back to you because that's the only way it will happen. Been there and know.
I am in the exact same situation. It hurts so much.
Same here. Complete u turn while at university
I'm betting that ypu paod for their higher education. I'm so sorry for the way you've been treated! Maybe send your kids a bill for all of their expenses that were paid from the money THAT YOU WORKED FOR.
It was a long slow painful death of the relationship. All finally ended when I finally stood firm with my boundaries once and for all.. and that was enough for them to stop being involved in my life. I finally stopped apologising for everything because there was nothing to apologise for. Having a relationship with them was simply based on conditions and on me not being a parent and being on my best behaviour to avoid them ghosting and receiving a hurl of verbal abuse .. and on one occasion physical abuse. To have allowed it to continue would have been unloving to me and to them. It doesn't teach them well. I moved, gave them my address, and I now keep getting cars driving by beeping and I believe my last longterm partner who was massively abusive to me, I believe she has paid me a few visits too. I did nothing wrong to my children .. I didnt deserve their behaviour towards me .. I've finally sadly had to say 'no more'. I was / am a loving good dad.
I hear you friend. I penned a similarly long post where I explained my situation with my three alienated children. And your conclusions are spot on. You wrote: "It was a long slow painful death of the relationship. All finally ended when I finally stood firm with my boundaries once and for all.. and that was enough for them to stop being involved in my life. I finally stopped apologising for everything because there was nothing to apologise for. Having a relationship with them was simply based on conditions..." I agree with you-100%. Fathers in our situation have to face reality and the brutal facts of an unfair life: we either accept the bad deck of cards fate has, for some reason, dealt us, or we put a gun in our mouths. We have to move on with our lives and let bygones be bygones, no matter how impossibly difficult those bygones and memories are. We have to steel our hearts against the unfair abuse and pain thrown over our lives by our own severely brainwashed and psychologically damaged children, not allowing their hate and false allegations destroy us. And destroy us they will if will let them. Will our kids come back to us one day and "see the light"? Maybe, but the odds are against us. Hoping is what causes the pain, and until we kill off the idea of "hope," we cannot move beyond the pain and find peace in our insane lives. Best of success. I'm with you.
@@adobemastr….so which of you two actually has more estranged kids? Just curious really.
@@alasshewasthehighwaywoman8886 As I stated in my reply, I have three estranged children. I'm not sure how many "jackandthenarcs" have, but I'm fairly certain we would both agree that having only one estranged child is one too many. How about you? Are you an alienated parent? Or an adult child of alienation?
@@alasshewasthehighwaywoman8886 Both of my children are now estranged from me, one more so than the other. The narrative and reasoning they give makes no sense either. Example "you've never tried to get to know us, we've had our own place for three years now, had a partner for ages etc" .. yes, I know, because I visited many times and you told me about the partner, and I'd reached out time and time again and never forgot birthdays and Christmases etc. I was also alienated from my father and his entire side of the family by my mother, who also contributed to the alienation of my own children against me. My original family and I have just now started reconnecting and it's taking a lot to re-form those original bonds; it's strange, it's like I feel I have to let go of my alienating mum to embrace my other family who I actually grew up with in my younger years .. and that's because of the conditioning and brainwashing. I know I can embrace both sides, but I can't, because the relationship and bond with my mum is rooted in the separation and disowning of my original 'other' family and therefore it's not possible to embrace both sides .. I have to temporarily disconnect from my mum who I grew up with in order to re-engage my primary attachment system to my original family. And that will be the same situation my / our children are in, which is why they had to disconnect from us, and they now use our reactions to justify estrangement from us, but they actually had pulled away and started becoming dismissive and, well, there's a whole lot they started doing, and it was heartbreaking and confusing, desperate feeling, no control over it, just deteriorating and there was nothing I could do no matter which way I tried. I'm almost 60 now. What is your situation?
@@jackgoodings just lovin' life away from the weasels that raised me
Why should we accept any abusive relationships ? Us walking away ourselves may well be the healthiest thing for us.
Have you tried to sit down and speak with them?
@@FamiliesDividedTV that can only work if the individual wants to sit down and talk but narcissists who use parental alienation to tie children to them alone and to remove other parent from competition never ever wants nor can sit down and talk. They thrive on being inconsistent, elusive, in power, in control dominant. They know talk at table is place they get confirmation of reasons to be insecure and hide behind fake image, and to them sit down to talk like two mature healthy adults is death to their fake image. To them they are perfect so no need to sit down and talk. Others are to just obey what narc wants and demands and be their slaves.
Agreed
Yes, so true, I blocked my older daughter last months, felt much better after it.
Child or neighbor, an abusive personality is their choice and you're their target. In a perfect world, you would think that an adult child would be mature, forgiving, have empathy for the person who raisesd them. So, once we, the alienated parent, gets that these Godless children, enjoy emotionally hurting their parent, and that they are people you would never hang out with if they were anyone but your kids,... as a parent being victimized by a dark entity who doesn't love a parent, I moved on. I have a self respect and love me. I pray for them.
Sadly this is spoken of in the bible in the end times. Who would have thought it would be any of us.
Amen!
Praying isn't enough. You need to try and repair some damage. Take some responsibility.
@@JB-3794 everyone does.
@@FamiliesDividedTVno, they don't.
Thank you for this video. Im right there with all the parents who’ve been disrespected and insulted. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. There must be something in the air, food or water because this is epidemic. I’m living my life and pray I get a call someday. In the meantime, I’ll leave him alone because that what he wants. 😢
Same here, his choice and his loss. Blamed me for everything even starting WW2. Damn, kid has a bachelor degree but cannot see past his nose. Unbelievable!
You are not alone and so I will say don't blame yourself. It has almost
made me crazy but God has given me peace. It still hurts but I can no longer grieve. It is not healthy to live this way so I had to find a way to move on. Most days I'm much better but I will admit some days it's like it just happened.
The foul language directed at me was too much. After several years I was positive that i did not love this side of my boys. The boys i loved dont exist anymore. My grandkids I missed terribly but i still adore them and prayed they would come to me when they were older. I moved out of state and had no toxic people to harass me. I was healing. Happy New Year to everyone and wishing you peace in your heart and mind.❤
It's so good to realize that I'm not the only one who is being shunned by my child. I admit that I wasn't perfect, but how long do I have to be punished?
You shouldn't be punished. God will help you.
You should spend every waking day making amends until your child feels safe to include you in their life again. Saying you're not perfect doesn't cut it.
@@dzulez you obviously are delusional
@@smokeykitty6023 22:07
@@dzulez exactly. These parents are so obviously unwilling to show much less consider actual remorse.
As much as it is hard to do; sometimes the only answer is is to walk away from the relationship for good……live your life as if that part of your life didn’t happen at all …… I had to choose between my sanity and mental clarity or daily abuse, and I chose me.
I do understand. I do hope you never give up and trust God.
@@FamiliesDividedTVAlways trust God yes, but to hold on when we’re being abused is insane.
@@Gemmarose9012 each person must do whatever they need to do to have peace.
I agree with you. My son would not stop his canceling behaviour. I finally had to protect myself and block his access to my heart.
Did you ever ask for forgiveness for your role in the damaged relationship? My husband and I have when we we are wrong, and things are dealt with swiftly. The inability for many to repent causes so much unnecessary suffering.
You know what. Thank you for giving me the freedom to reclaim my life. I'm finally FREE from all shame and guilt. 😊
I didn’t talk to my mom for 5 years when I felt she was wrong. Gave me 5 years to think about what a brat I was. I wish I had those 5 years back. I did reconcile with and had 15 great years with her before she passed. I miss her so much. I am 64. She was 88. I cherish my memories with her. Once I put myself in her place and thought about her life and trials my whole perspective changed. She let me figure it out. She taught me alot but I was also willing to listen. I never ever talked back. It just wasn’t done to mom. You knew if you did you were in trouble, didn’t know what would happen but you didn’t want to find out.
I am so happy you reconciled and had 15 beautiful years together.
Perspective, what it's all about. Good for you.😊
Glad to hear that adult children can see the parent as a human who makes mistakes.
wow. This gives me hope. My mum has been giving me the silent treatment for 3 years and 5 months so far. She came over to speak to me finally at the three year mark but told me it was merely my ''perception'' that she was giving me the silent treatment. So I felt gaslit and I told her what I thought and she ran off crying that she ''should have known better''. So I guess it will be another few years of silent treatment now.
@SusanaXpeace2u I'm so sorry. There is hope if she took the initiative to speak with you. If you want to re-establish contact, see a therapist for a couple sessions for help in discerning how to do that and how to deal with the communication issues between you. It would have been useful to know why she thinks the period of silence was only your "perception"! If your mum is emotionally immature and/or lacks communication skills, the burden will be on you to sort through this. Only you can decide if it is worth it to make the effort.
There is so much information about bad parents and getting toxic parents out of your life that you become convinced that if your child estranged himself from you it is without question your fault. Finally, a resource that confirms that sometimes it’s not about you can’t pick your parents but “You Can’t Pick Your Children”. Thank you.
well said.
Exactly! Western society tells you that it's ALWAYS the parent's fault whilst at the same time managing to demonise a parent if at any time they try to implement even the mildest form of discipline/consequences for bad behaviour and it is reframed later down the line as 'abuse'.
This thing is spiritual and it manifests in different forms of narcissism, narcissistic abuse and a narcissistic discard. And it is all there to destroy the family and get people on board with 'Self Worship' = Narcissism. New age is one manifestation disguised in love & light and crystals, the trans situation is another more aggressive, extreme & blatant idolising of Self and destruction of the family and here we have the social contagion of narcissistically abusing, disrespecting, hating on and abandoning elderly parents and going 'no contact', if the parents aren't 'forced' to put the brakes on the abuse and go 'no contact' themselves as a protective measure only.
Whatever the case, it's all spiritual warfare. It's all the same thing in different forms. You breakdown the family unit, you breakdown society. Virtues like loyalty, morality, trust, compassion, empathy, sacrificing for another, collectivism, etc. all become obselete with the individual's concentration on Self (their mantra being, 'do what makes YOU happy and forget about anyone else'). Individualism makes society so weak and creates division, chaos and confusion.
Love that!
A lot of it was my fault, that said I raised my kids in a loving home, but in retrospect I don't think I was a very good mother.
Yes..!! There's a spirit of dishonest and disrespecting parents in today's generation. Things that are consequences of their own actions and decisions they are blaming back on the parents.
I think I’ve had my last conversation with my 22 yr old child. I can’t take it anymore she’s too disrespectful. I’ve tried to make sense of this and I cant. It’s not about her going no contact I’m going no contact. 💔💔💔😞😞😞
Many have been in your shoes. 22 is still quite young and most people mature in the coming years. Boundaries and self preservation are a parent’s best friend.
Good for you
Ask yourself why she hates you first. There is always a reason why children hate their parents and 100% of the time the parents abused and traumatized their children. Happy children don't just leave their parents
And you know for us as Black Americans culturally…disrespecting a parent is seen as pure evil. I think it’s harder for folks from cultures where there is a high regard for respect from children
Princessbubble are you smoking crack with that statement ?
Why is this not being talked about more widely??!!!
I’ve been wracking my brain looking at the current content around estrangement bc it is so one sided and it feels like the next wave of cancel culture.
Blaming parents for everything is a way of creating more victim narratives while demonizing parents for…being parents?
Lots of people are conflating dislike with abuse.
It’s unbelievable, I’m tired of begging my grown sons to act like they were taught! They constantly deflect because they are NOT doing what they as grown men should be doing. Their entitlement is Ridiculous!!! And unfair for me to have to deal with
YES- my kids are definately entitled. And I did it. My parents were awful parents and so I did the opposite-gave way too much and they are entitled and don't need or want me in their lives. I am finally coming to terms with this.
Oh my lord…. I have news for you. No grown man should act anyway another person tells them too. This is called control. No human wants to be controlled by anyone. Let alone parents. It’s bad enough living in a world with slave like working conditions and absolute garbage pay and treatment that as adults we also need to “act” how abusive parents want us to? Omg.
That's the word - Entitlement - so ugly.
Just based on your comment I would have a hard time being around you. Read your comment again and see how you would feel if someone spoke that way to you. I hope you take the time for some self reflection to heal your family. Lead by healthy behavior.
I think the reference was to respect your elders. Honor thy mother and father ❣️......
I couldn't hurt my parents, I loved them so very much. My Dad passed thirty years ago, still miss him every day, Mom needed lots of care the last seven years of her life, we took care of her.
My adult son could care less about me or their Dad, only wants money from me, no respect. Broke my heart but I can't make him love me.
So sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help you.
I consciously raised my two children with respect and positivity, encouraging them in everything they did and never shaming them as my parents sometimes did to me, (although my parents were good people who never intentionally hurt me). I loved being a mother and was proud of the job I did. Yet now they are over 40 and seem to go out of their way to hurt and shame me. At any given time I am cut off from one or the other, like it's a game where I am thrown into sadness and feel like I am living half a life. I never would have treated my parents the way they treat me. It's cruel and heartbreaking. Maybe I should have tried my parents' old-school way. Or never have had children at all.
Oh if only we had a time machine
I regret having children. Sad but true
My children are young, and they hit and scream at me, threaten me, and call me names. My oldest daughter us 10 and I don't believe would ever do this, but all my 4 boys are aggressive. I am trying to see doctors, but they really don't know much about children and mental health. I never have been so mean to my mom, and I thought I was treating my children better. I guess I just spoiled them. You can't win.
I can imagine this must be painful but sometimes lack of insight and culpability is the problem. Narcissistic abuse is rampant and only the solution is non-contact. The one with narcissistic tendencies knows no other way, sadly, and will blame the victim.
I've been putting up with everyone for decades and my husband and I decided it's the time for them to have a good look at themselves as they're old enough,all of them are over 30's😂 We set the boundaries last week due to an incident and they are in shock and sulking, stop talking to even my husband to punish me😂😂😂😂 but we're too old to be bothered by it,at least we're trying. We just want to be left alone and concentrate our lives what's left of it😂
Your emoji’s make me sick!
You’re 😂 emojis are unsettling
I can relate. Called my attorney and we are setting up our will. No way am I going to reward two spoiled, entitled , arrogant women, my daughters, with our money we worked so hard for and still working.
Yes! Enjoy it to travel or do whatever you want for yourselves. ☮️
But wait....this forum is for parents who are ESTRANGED from their adult children. That means the kids aren't talking to you. Yet I keep reading many posts like yours talking about "boundaries". There should be no need for boundaries if no one is talking to you.
It is helpful to realize this is a common problem with people. I didn’t spoil my daughter as a single mom because I didn’t have support to do so and didn’t make enough but I did invest my whole life in my daughter - and then my niece later on who had no parents when my daughter was in college - and now there is just disrespect and disregard and they only want to communicate when they want something. I came from an abusive neglectful family and have suffered from it until my mother at 100 died last November. I never set boundaries because my family didn’t and I didn’t even know what they were until a few years ago and I’m finally learning how to make them for myself. That leaves me alone but it is also freeing. I am learning to text them both and say hello and say I love them but am moving on. They have their own issues now because of their upbringing, though their lives were better than mine in many respects. I’ve spent my life in therapy and am nearing the other side. God forbid they will wait until they are old to get help but I have apologized enough and have pointed out good things and am moving on. I won’t be abused anymore. I’m almost 70 and deserve some peace. Even if alone.
What makes an adult child constantly criticize you to the point of even finding a cobweb on a door wreath? This child has a very critical husband, and she is a perfectionist! She is the only child that lives close by and I know she loves me but the constant criticism hurts, I am almost 85 and live alone and I do the best I can.
So very sorry about all of this. Have you sought counseling?
American moral decline in society through violence movies, music, video games, social networking, Hollywood voyeurism, and the loss of spiritual development are major influences in the broken families
Ouch! I’m sorry, my son has changed since his narc partner wants him all to herself. She’s an entitled “spoilt brat” as my mother would call her! I’m 74 and it’s agony to have this at our age! I’m learning to love and comfort my inner child and to not repeat this abuse on myself. I’m learning to take the Mickey out of them now, their ignorant ways and reflect back to them … cobwebs? Really!!???
@@CassieDavis613 yes, but then I once was also, so it helps me to remember that. I always have hope for change..
So sad to hear this.. Have you ever explained to her how hurtful this constant criticism is? I’ve told my son I hold back on me criticising him, so please do the same. And look at the positives in the person. I stopped doing his washing when he visits (he lives abroad) that soon got to him!
My goodness sir..
Anyone that's dealt with adult estrangement have thought of and tried all of your suggestions..
Sometimes all of these efforts just don't work..
It then becomes necessary to move forward with your own life..
Whatever gives you peace.
I feel like my son is possessed.
I have a daughter that lives out of state and can get very disrespectful in conversations with each other. She flys off easily and cusses at me, I haven’t talked to her since April on the phone! She swore at me and hung up on me when I asked her a question, evidently she didn’t want to answer! I’m elderly and feel very sad about this situation!
So very sorry. I do hope our videos help you.
I call it walking on eggshells around them. It shouldn't be.
@@jenniferrevilla5298 absolutely right
I have Three grown daughters and now I have One. The other two are disrespectful. Through out my life Ive been in their corner helping them from advice and Money. Never requiring them to pay me back. Now I leave them alone. Let them see how its gonna be without the Father. It may not do anything, but Ill be a little more financially richer. Im done. I've kissed their asses long enough. Now to live my life without Drama. Ill leave my assets to my youngest daughter and if she wants to give them something she can. Im not. Period. Their lost. Ive never asked or required anything from them yet its time I cut them loose.😊
Same situation for me except 3 sons. It would be ludicrous to reward someone for betrayal. So, it's their loss, in more ways than one. 'Ching ching', if you get my drift. It's important also to make sure the untrustworthy ones don't have any power of attorney for personal care if that situation ever arises. Live your best life. Peace
Same situation with me except 3 sons. It would be ludicrous to reward anyone for betrayal. It's their loss in more ways than one. 'Ching ching', if you get my drift. It's also important to make sure the untrustworthy ones don't have power of attorney for personal care. Live your best life! Peace
How do you do that? I wouldn't put it past one of my estranged. I thought of going to the local judge before time.
I just redid my trust last April prior to going to Greece with my significant other. I made him my power of attorney for personal care in case anything happened overseas. I left my home to my 4 grandchildren and my investments to my 2 adult daughters, who were semi-estranged at that point. This past week things escalated and due to stress, I ended up in the hospital. My significant other called my brother, who is local and mutually decided not to call my 2 adult daughters who live 6 1/2 hours away. My brothers girlfriend took it upon herself to call them, so they found out. My
youngest daughter called the hospital and wanted to see me, probably out of guilt! I did not want to see her. They can't return my phone calls or talk to me when I'm well but want to visit me in the hospital. If Tim had not been on the advance directive for medical decisions for me, he could not have made any decisions! You can complete the form with your doctor and put a copy with your trust. If their behavior continues, I will seriously consider removing them from the trust and leaving everything to my 4 grandchildren when they reach a certain age. I never thought I would ever feel this way but now it is a consideration@@jenniferrevilla5298
We were “good enough” parents and far better than our self centered parents and they are still to this day! Nearly 80! They still could care less. I’m not sure how I ended up alienated when I was 21 when I had my kids a devoted my life to giving them what I never had, my love and my presence and a big cheerleader supporting them their whole lives. Unreal. I’ll never reach out. I made them have a life better than mine and apparently I made them too good for me! Unreal but true
I pray things work out for all of you.
Dessie, your story mirrors mine and I have often said similar things, like, "My kids never experienced anything abuse wise like I did when I was growing up" and I tried to be the most supportive dad to my kids as I could. Was I perfect? No, but my kids were raised in a household that was a night and day difference to how me and my brothers and sisters were raised. What happened with you and your kids and why do you write you will never reach out to them?
I haven’t spoken to my eldest daughter for seven years. She got on meds and started acting crazy and projecting crazy stories of incest with my now deceased parents who never Ever babysat her even one time. Told her husband she had to be protected from me then dumped him cold to become a lesbian with one of her patients. Then Years later dumped her claiming she didn’t know what she was thinking when she got into that relationship. Doted on and loved sent to 12 years private school and college.Still acting hateful and I just finally had it. I told her if she ever wanted to apologize she knew where I lived. Never heard from her again. And she’s a therapist!
@@caliblue2 Oh. 🤗 it all seems so unbelievable for us all.
@@caliblue2That's awful. I'm so sorry. A therapist?! Good Lord I can't imagine it. It's so hard. I always imagined my kids and I would be so tightly bonded, because we only had each other. I'm still close with two but the third one is gone and I fear she'll just be a memory. It's awful having to grieve your very much alive daughter.
The daughter-in-law is the neck that turns the head. If she is insecure, jealous, arrogant she will convince your son his mother is awful & she will make every attempt to find fault with every little issue until your son tires of feeling caught in the middle. She will use the children (grandchild) as a tool. A mild depressive disorder can def. Contribute!!
Well said!!
Yes! The woman holds the social rudder on the marital ship, for good or bad. My sons are starting out with decent women. I tread lightly and take care to not be the meddlesome Mo.-in-law. Time will tell, but when the son takes a wife, he really is in a different sphere. I have seen many sons turned away from their parents by their spiteful wives.
Add in all the crazy narcissism and social morays...so much to be offended over!
@@hanginlaundry360 you may want to read a book by the late Anne Killinger "A son is a son until he takes a wife".
Yes, my DIL broke my family apart. My son has not spoken to me in 4 years unless it was to berate me or tell me how awful I am. They will not allow me to see my grandsons and have told them lies about me. It’s unbearable
It is sooo hurtful the way my daughter treats me. It took me five years to fall pregnant. I never expected this behavior from her. She is so cruel with her words. I think its our fault that we've created these horrible children BECAUSE we spoilt them. I've heard many stories and realize I'm not alone
You are not alone.
It's not because you spoil them, it's because of The Times we're in, this is a spiritual Battle. We're in the last days, give your heart to Jesus. He is the way the truth and the life. And then pray for your children that Jesus would get ahold of them as well.❤
@@jordanbrascia3483 amen!
My son hasn't treated me very nicely since he went off to college.
Actually, he speaks to me & treats me a lot like my mother did.
I was raised with a narcissistic mother.
My son witnessed firsthand how little I was valued, never consulted about decisions regarding him. For example, I get a call from my mother telling me my son is getting braces on his teeth.
And he's sitting in the dentist's chair. I need to get down there & fill out the paperwork! The thought of consulting me about putting braces on my son's teeth.
Wasn't even a consideration!
This woman has done everything in her power to let me know how little I mattered! Nothing was ever allowed to be about me. Not even the birth of my son.
She intentionally set out to ruin my life & drive me crazy. Why? She has 150K life insurance policy on me.
She almost succeeded! She did all this knowing I had a son to raise.
He's now 28 & married & expecting a baby.
It breaks my heart, the only person I cared about in this world. He doesn't talk to me & his wife sent me a very mean & abusive text I didn't deserve. Furthermore, I would never speak to anyone the way she spoke to me!
The fact that my son thought it was ok for her to speak to me so horribly.
It broke my heart!
My mother is leaving her inheritance to my son.
I couldn't care less.
Money means everything to my mother & apparently my son. As he's willing to cast me aside to stay in her good graces.
As painful as it is, I will NEVER speak to either one again. I didn't deserve one unkind word from either of them.
One of the aspects of being an estranged parent (15 years) is that I don’t discuss this separation with my current relationships. This is a topic not well understood by those who have not gone through it. Finding this site is acknowledgement of just how many of us have needed to somehow “detach” and claim our own lives. My son has the right to live his life as he chooses…So do I. There’s MORE to me than being a parent. I’ve come to consider this as liberation from a role played in a Grade B movie. Let him BE. Let ME Be as well.
I hope our videos help you.
This comment is a help ... hope I can get there some day.
@@kmadvisor8775Frankly, my comments represent years of processing. Some days I had waves of sadness. Yes, it is SAD when things turn out this way. Despite many efforts to improve the situation, I had to ACCEPT, that there were things I CANNOT CHANGE.
Admitting my own short comings and forgiving myself for not being Super Mom meant I left myself off the HOOK.
When people ask you if you have kids what do you say?
@@francopp1124 I say, “One that doesn’t count.” This is as honest as I can get it.
Thank you for your suggestion to write 10 things I did well as a parent. I've lived with my oldest son rewriting our family history into something that never happened. Because he has all the power in the form of withholding our grandchildren, I had no way of protecting my heart from his hurtful narrative. After listening to this podcast I decided to write the 10 things and it really helped. I wrote it in my Bible which seemed to help by bringing permanence to a truth in my lost that seemed to be lost by his rewrite. I remembered the wonderful sacrifices that I willingly made so that his life was better like starting a roller hockey league since he and his brother so much wanted to play hockey but we couldn't afford it on one income. Being a stay at home mom was important to me because I knew I wouldn't be good at dividing myself between work and home wouldn't be a good plan for any of us. This was a sacrifice but it was worth it and I wanted to be there for them. Thank you for your advice. I've just thought of more so I will add to the list. Thank you.
So very glad it was helpful. I hope more of our videos will be as well.
Bless you, you were a good mom. 💜
Living with an abusive narcissist and their abuse has been very horrible. I will not be shamed to reconcile. Maybe they should have thought about the consequences of their actions before doing what they did. I don’t think kids just are being contemptuous.
I am a baby boomer and I had a narcissistic mother. I was the scapegoat of the family yet I was never disrespectful to my parents.
My daughter was telling me what to do and how life should be when she was eight years old. She’s now over 40 and has been bad mouthing me to anybody that will listen her
while she plays the poor little victim.
We’re completely opposite with politics so she lets me know how I am old, stupid and wrong because I don’t have the political views that she has. I finally would ignore her when she would bring up certain topic because I could tell she was just looking for a fight and any excuse to cut me down. I cut ties with her. I took this abuse growing up I sure don’t need it from a child.
I was a good dedicated parent who put their children first. I think society's next step will be to convince elderly parent to continue to put their children first by dying so as not to burden their adult children or society.
Maybe. Scary!
Unfortunately for the kids people are living longer.
I'm moving on with my life but still subbing for your continued support from afar, as I've never found a therapist who gets this repugnant phenomenon so well, and how extremely painful it is. I'm never going to not be hurt by my sons total rejection & abuse, so your channel is my most valuable YT find this year. TY❣
I am so very glad that it is helpful. Praying things change for you.
So did these therapists try to hold you accountable for your parenting or what?
We had a close neighbor who died of Covid. He was a widower and Vietnam vet who had raised 2 natural and 6 foster children. When he died his long gone children came to divide up his apartment and take away his little dog. They were the most deriding, joking, materialistic grown brats and we had to listen to them for several days...they were actually ashamed of their father for not being well off and leaving them more. They drove giant SUVs and had boats.
Such people need to remember others are noticing.
As the economy worsens the grown children who grew up in the 90s are going to look around for somebody to blame for their debt ridden lives. Many of them scorn church and prayer and look down on believing parents or peers as well.
So very sad, but true.
What happened with me was, I finally determined that God was going to be my center. I live with the scripture “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 25:15. When they understand that, things will change. They can act however they want in their house….don’t come here with that attitude… It works. Pray for them and be involved where they let you. I no longer try and interfere with their lives but they know where I stand. God bless you. They ran my life, until God did.
So good that you've found a way to work it and that God is number one. My youngest adult son recently cut me off bc he thinks I interfered too much when I went through divorce with his dad 20 yrs ago and we had a conflict recently which brought it all out again. My situation is actually really complicated (have 2 sons, oldest haven't spoken w/in 4 yrs), and they're close to their dad who was abusive and controlling...somehow they managed to forgive him, but if I make a mistake it's held over my head forever! I hated going to either of their homes bc they are involved with false religion and they don't want to hear what I have to say about it. I'm leaning on God, but the latest thing has me in knots. I'll continue to pray.
@@worldupsidedown1you are not alone
@@rhondasmith7413 Thank you. ❤
@worldupsidedown1 - I can't help but think that sometimes our child IS MORE LIKE OUR SPOUSE (inherently) than we realize. Your sons personalities very possibly line up with those of your abusive ex-husband's. This would explain their ability to turn on you and turn to him as they became adults. I say this because I see it so clearly in my youngest son. It use to break my heart, but now that I see it for what it is, I don't get heartbroken anymore. Sad, yes, but not paralyzed by heartbreak. It's not a pleasant place to be, but I'm not physically and emotionally sick over it anymore. You will be in my prayers and I will pray for your son as I do for mine, that God can open their eyes to a kinder truth.
@@imisseveryone2716 Completely agree! I came to terms with my oldest son's (whom I've been estranged from for 4 yrs and whom I believe has a personality disorder) estrangement, and I handled that conflict and subsequent silence rather well. The latest with my youngest kinda threw me for a loop as he came at me pretty strongly verbally that I didn't see coming, saying that he no longer trusted me to be around his family and that I need to submit myself to a godly church authority. Wow. It was over a conflict involving his son that in my mind did not warrant this kind of response. He knows I've been searching for a trusted church, it's not that I don't want to attend, but I submit to Christ. And, just as you said, as adults they have gravitated to their dad. Up until their early 20's I was very close with them. It really is sad.
Anyway, it's amazing you've reached a very healthy place in your accepting it and not letting it take over your life, I think that is so key. I'll get through this one, as well, with God's help and I do appreciate your prayers for me and my sons. I'll be praying for you and your son also. May I ask if you currently have a relationship with your son if I'm not being too personal? God bless.
My daughter stopped speaking to me three years ago. I made mistakes. I tried to apologize. The last thing my daughter said to me was "Your apology is unacceptable." I've made the apologies. She told me she did nothing wrong. Has nothing to apologize for. Not speaking to me for three years deserves an apology in my mind. Keeping my grandson from me for 3 years desrves an apology too. I'm done. Im sober. I have a beautiful life. A wonderful husband and son. I have friends and community. She will no longer punish me for doing my very best in very difficult times.
Appreciate hearing about this important topic, which seems more prevalent than people might think. No loving parents wants to be alienated from their adult children. Yet, life is short. I say let them go if they are abusive. People ordinarily don't change their behavior and also don't have time to become a self-taught psychologist to navigate the never-ending stream of conflict. Parents, it's time to eat healthy food, exercise in moderation, spruce up your garden, surround yourselves with genuine people, and reboot your spiritual life (no cults please). Basically, self-care is the order of the day. What has happened has happened. No need to spend the rest of your life revisiting any of it. If your kids find a way to forgive and forget, great! You, too, should try to do the same. Be happy, happy, happy!
My comment might ruffle some feathers, but it's my personal opinion of my children and situation. A few short years ago, i was told by all 4 of my grown children what a wonderful mother i was. It was understood! I had very little, but they lacked for nothing. In present day, i am the source of everything wrong with them. Let's face it. I'm not trending in today's society. I am a middle aged, southern, white, heterosexual, Christian woman. They see me as the enemy. It is sad. I do not recognize them anymore. Not only are they missing gratitude, they are at a strong deficit without their mother and most importantly a Savior. There is no talking to them, the evil/vile forces have brainwashed them. They have broken my heart, but i still love them as much as I did before they dishonored me. All I can do is pray for God to visit them so their hearts will be softened to see the truth. And...no you parents aren't crazy! You KNOW if you been good parents. Don't second guess yourself. Your children have been indoctrinated into a system that is separating children from their parents. It is NOT YOUR FAULT❤
Thank you for sharing this. With our youngest, up until three years ago, we were great; good parents, good marriage models for her and her husband; now we're evil racists with no redeeming qualities.
Thank you Sheila. I needed to hear your words. Bless you! 🙏🏻
This is part of the agenda, especially if you love GOD!!! WOKE is not woke in the eyes of this generation.
It 10000% your fault. You raised them.
Same here with my son.
I tried to appeal to all my children to love each other, my family is so divided 😟 all I want is peace and respect towards each other. It’s so painful that my children who are alienated from me have some “stories made up in their heads” I don’t know where it came from. I was such a kind and loving Mom!
Bill Eddy did a video on brainwashing on here. Perhaps that would help you. Sorry you are going through all of this.
Kind and loving moms do not respond to their children's trauma memories from childhood as stories made up in their head. Kind and loving moms listen and validate their children's experience, even if they don't agree with them.
Been there, done that! Made up stories sounds familiar. Is there a playbook these kids/adults are using? My son's stories were read to him by my ex-wife. Hearing him say those things was like talking to her. I didn't do anything to either one of them, she cheated and I divorced her, end of story.
@aromamom1 Understand ❤️
i know what you mean, i go through the same,, and all our recollections vary , and when i try to clear the air and get to the bottom of things, both of them get aggressive and treat me like a child ,and abuse follows with me being pushed out and away again,and ignored for months,,i have tried and tried
If they alienated how can they disrespect you or abuse you? Doesn’t alienated mean they don’t have anything to do with you?
Love this video. My trauma therapist tells me in so many words that it's all of my fault that my 39 year old daughter is abusive because of trauma that she experienced when she was growing up. I believe part of it is the fact that my daughter has a chemical imbalance and that her father turned her against me after we got divorced. Yes I made mistakes, but not to the extent that I deserve the horrible things that she has done and the disrespect.
I hope our videos help you. So sorry.
I’d find another therapist. What a jerk.
Dump the deadbeat, abusive therapist! NOW!
@@greyfox243. I quit going.
So your daughter and the therapist are wrong? Did your daughter have a traumatic childhood or is the therapist making it up or hyperbolizing it?
We kept hoping that our daughter would change for the better with age and education, but surprisingly she is getting worse with every year. Age is not a playing factor as we hoped.
So very sorry for your situation. I pray it gets better. I hope other of our videos help.
Me,too.
how old is she?
SO MANY things Im realizing now that Im coming out of looong-term, severe depression. Understanding the reasons why grown children (and all other people, related or not) are unloving-and-beyond cannot fix a relationship, but it can be one helpful factor in healing. It helps me from keeping myself from banging my head on the cement wall ... day and night)
What i DO know is that i would likely not be alive, at least functional, were it not for giving my life to (after asking for forgiveness) my living, loving Savior Jesus Christ 💜
Same here!
My daughter doesn't believe in mental health diseases. So my treatment is just doctor trying to control my mind. I've been in a psychic hospital twice this year and she told me that I was doing a disservice to my family and showing how much I don't care about them. She and SIL have changed so much in the last 2 years it's unbelievable. They've gotten into webinars , podcasts, books that teach them about clearing their lives and getting rid of toxic things and people. Their lives are now about them. What makes them happy and their experiences. Not even my grandsons, they just are tag a longs. Their vacations are about them nit the boys too
This is all new to me. Been screening lawyers about getting my grandparents rights. I'll let you know how it goes
I just typed in the search bar and am now down this rabbit hole. Thinking I'm the only one or dang near the only one this is happening to. I am so grateful for this channel and all the comments. I spent 8 years with a narcissistic man. I feel my sons have mastered and learned behavior. While the youngest son is finally coming around. As soon as he left the home, my 19 year old quickly followed suit. It's been really crushing my spirit. Triggering emotions/ptsd from the exhusband ( who is not t heir father)
Knowledge is power and now I have tools to arm myself. Firstly I'm highly sensitive and they know this. Everytime I try to speak, I'm being ridiculed or shamed. I've started feeling like I cannot speak any longer. Now I must learn not to react as i have been. But try to remain calm or dismiss myself from the situation for a bit. Holy Moses, thank you everyone!🙏🏼❤💪🏼
So sorry for your situation, but so very glad the videos are helping.
Spot on. My ex was an abusive drunk. I realized far to late I was letting my ex teach them it was okay to blame and abuse me.
@@SuperCaliforniaBarbi so sorry for this. I do hope our videos help.
Hello, I feel you and your pain. I'm a single parent raised my son alone except for some help from my father he was a narcissist ,controlling and misogynistic. He was my son's role model so it is learned behavior. God bless you and I do pray things get better 🙏
I'm saving these videos to watch over and share. I am a parent of a child who ostracizes me and berates me to strangers. Thank you for sharing your Wisdom.
So glad it was helpful. I hope other of our videos help too.
I’m going through this right now and I’m genuinely heartsick. My husband has bipolar and now diffused brain atrophy. We have three adult children and we have come a long way with our oldest, our son, but now our daughters have recently hurt me so badly I don’t even have a clue what to do. I’m under a lot of stress and pressure due to my husband’s health and my own physical challenges. I’m 65 and he’s 71 and at a time when I really need the support and love from our children they’ve turned against me for making one recent mistake by hugging my youngest grandchild when I saw her recently. She’s turning 11 or 12 in Jan. My joy at seeing her overcame my heart and I forgot I’d recently been told she’s struggling being hugged so let her make the first move. I’ve never and would never hurt any of my children or grandchildren even if it means I swallow my feelings as I hate conflict. The venomous way both my daughters responded to me going to the side of the car to hug my granddaughter is beyond belief. So we couldn’t see them for Thanksgiving and my birthday and probably not for Xmas and my heart is just beyond broken. I made the decision to take myself out of their lives because with all the pain I feel everyday due to my husband’s health I can’t handle much more pain before I break. The level of perfection they are demanding of me is totally unrealistic and I’m truly lost right now.
So very sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help you.
Sending you a hug…take care of yourself and your husband that is enough for you to reasonably handle at this point in your life. Don’t forget how to laugh and enjoy the day ahead with a sky and trees still there for you! Life is so precious, give yourself permission to own your own existence. Love always, a fellow rejected mother
My crime was a kiss on the forehead of my infant granddaughter. Another time after missing her birthday I dropped gifts at her house unannounced. So I’m in parent jail indefinitely. This is psychotic
This time of life is for YOU and your dear husband! ❤ No one else. You will never regret the precious moments spent with the love of your life. Moments that will be treasured forever!
Your children will regret not having a relationship with their father and mother. It’ll be too late by the time they realize it. 😢
Praying for you and your husband.🙏🏻
Signed fellow rejected mom.
Problems with hugs? That sounds like a parental problem inflicted in the child.
Nothing you can do about it. Call about getting palliative care for your husband. They help out with all kinds of things and Medicare covers it. DO IT.
There are numerous programs to help people stay in their homes. PACE..... call your state dept of ageing and senior/disabled office and find out what programs there are.
This was the best talk on estrangement l have ever heard, and l have been researching for two years. A wealth of practical knowledge and information, compassionate suggestions , ways to understand issues, and believable hope for the future….can’t express enough gratitude
So glad it helped.
Good info - lots of repetition
No matter what the age of an individual. Each of us are human beings and deserve to be treated with respect. Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
There is NO excuse for rudeness. 👍🕊
Well said!
I'm going to disagree with the no excuse for rudeness. Rudeness can be used as a tool to get a point across to someone who has been consistently rude to you. I think that hitting 'em right between the eyes sometimes helps in getting their attention. Sometimes you have to take your gloves off.
Straight up!
This guy is simply a genius - he is giving us a better understanding of the things we go through as parents and that's already a LOT.
Glad it was helpful. I hope other of our videos are helpful as well.
we just attended our daughters wedding out of state.. I took out money from IRA to attend.... it was a horrific experience ... I was screamed at, embarrassed, belittled, told to get out of my daughters face, and ignored the day of the wedding.. we are already estranged from our oldest who has a mental illness.. this past weekend was one of the worst in my life.. today I went to grandsons soccer game and our daughter ignored me. I really don't know what to do with this we have five children.. we are close to only one who lives far away.. I literally felt like my life was worthless and I must be the worst parent ever.. thankfully I have a loving husband of 40 years he is hurting due to the abuse as well.. but it always focuses on me.. Now I find out the bride, is infertile.. I want to support her but she hates me.. I am heartbroken
So sorry - I have 5 as well. Since they started to marry I have lost them one by one. I raised them alone & we did fine so I am like Mom&Dad. I never thought my golden years would be this way:(
So very sorry. I do hope our videos help you.
My son pretty much wrote me off 2 years ago. He was 17 at the time. His dad played a huge role. It happened because I asked him to apologize to me for cussing at me. I tired for a year to get him to own his behavior. Fast forward+ he got into drugs dropped out of school. I was locked out. Of course it was painful. Worse was the emails i got how he wished i would burn in hell. I never hit him, never moved in with someone, kept the family home etc. ive racked my brain to figure out what I did. Counseling everything. In the end the hardest part is that one parent was locked out and everyone got hurt. Well except for one person. My point is that I have to live with the fact that I eas probably a grade b as a mom. Honestly I can live with that. I love and miss him but I don't speak to him like that so he can't yell and cuss at me. Hugs to all the parents that endured the pain caused by allienation.❤
So sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help.
My daughter was diagnosed as a teenager with Bipolar 2. I believe her very poor / angry / resentful relationship with me is partially attributable to that. I did my best .. I tried to make allowance for her as I understood that even though she is very responsible about taking medication, she has great challenges in her life.
She blames me for everything and therefore feels she is justified in treating me so badly. It is heart breaking. I now want to get to the point where it does not affect me so badly.
She is certainly supported in this behaviour by her husband.
Your lectures help us , all the alienated mothers out there. Thank you.
Sorry for the situation. I do hope these videos help.
Just be on your guard with her,be nice just stay on your guard with safe bounderies with her.
Thank you Lisa for your reply. This is the exact same situation in my family. I was confused and blindsided at first when my son started being hurtful and disrespectful to me. He is married to a really sick woman and after listening to Joshua talk about daughter and son in laws, I have an even greater understanding and validation of what is happening. That is what I needed so I can move through this grieving process and get to a place of acceptance of this ordeal. Thank you Joshua too and everyone who has commented.
this is exactly my experience. My son told me only a week before our argument how I had always been there for him, how important I was to him. Over a series of angry exchanges, he cut me off, telling me I was embarrassing him in front of his wife. Now he doesn't reach out at all.
Same here exact situation.
My mother was far from perfect but I always respected her, never talked back to her. If my husband had disrespected her I would have divorced him. My daughter in law does not want us to have any part in our son's life. She flies off the handle at me every time I see her. She only wants my son to take part in events with her family, Sunday dinner with her family, holidays with her family, birthdays with her family. We live six hours away and drive there just to be ignored or made to feel unwelcome. I'm the one who taught my son to respect his wife! We are left out of everything. So I have let go. I'm tired of being accused and yelled at by my DIL.
So very sorry for your situation. Stay strong and trust God. I hope our videos help.
Same
I was in the exact situation for 13 years till she ran off with my 3 grandchildren with a punk gun toting criminal drug dealer.
The opposite can turn out to be just as bad when it comes to having a future daughter in law (or current daughter in law) who is only covert in her dislike of her inlaws when she starts mentally and physically abusing your son instead because the rest of her family members are not on board with that dislike. We just cannot be in any kind of win-win situation with someone like that. So be prepared ahead of time for that possibiltiy so you can be there for your son when he really needs you most. When you must be there for your son in a situation like that be careful to not run down your daughter in law to him. Let him come to his own world view concerning her too.
I’m estranged by my daughter, and 7 years later and after several months of therapy I estranged my entire family of origin, extended family & family friends. Upon examining my early childhood with my therapist I was able to remember the abuse vs the cover story or family image story. My therapists response to my actual childhood memories helped me to see how I had internalized & normalized the abuse. I saw for myself the many times I’d been scapegoated by my FoO, sometimes horrifically, programming my entire family and myself as the family scapegoat. I, in turn, taught my children and others to scapegoat me. Always too willing to take on the blame even when I knew I was innocent as a form of self-sacrifice. The only way for me to stop that cycle was to go completely ‘no contact’.
It completely changed my perspective of my daughter estranging me. I passed on the dysfunctional family system to her and she showed me the way out.
I am truly sorry.
At least you are taking responsibility for the fact that you passed the dysfunction into your daughter. That’s a lot more than most people have the guys to do. Good for you for doing the true healing work.
It’s the generational or family curse. I commend you for doing the work and breaking the cycle. I wrote a book (from a Christian perspective) on how to gain closure similar to what you describe with your therapist, except anyone can do this on their own through the workbook. It’s a free audiobook on my channel. God bless.
Wow! If it stops the cycle of abuse it’s worth it. You can still have a meaningful and loving life and you deserve it.
After 35 years of marriage, I’m walking away. My husband is Bipolar and used the victim card all the time. I’m tired of making excuses and declining invitations because he’s in a bad mood and gets mad if I go by myself.
My two adult children (34 and 32) .
They are siding with him. They are being influenced by his behavior. I have done my best to be as respectful as I could possibly be. He said i abandoned the family … and am vile.
I need peace now. I’ve lived 2/3 of my life and want to enjoy the remaining years without chaos. Our two adult children are Bipolar too.
They never got along well with their father but now are his champion. Underneath this sad and downtrodden man is a shrewd and conniving snake. It hurts knowing they are so hateful towards me.
Similar story with a narcissistic alcoholic husband, married for 40-1/2 years and is divorcing me because he is “tired of all my crap”. He discarded me and has smeared me to all his family and our two adult daughters, along with all four grandchildren. My daughters, 30 and 34, won’t even ask me my side of things, despite my enduring my husband’s emotional abuse for 40+ years. Now my husband is taking everything he can from me…. for absolutely purely evil intent. If I didn’t have my faith, I would have nothing. But my faith is all I need. God will take care of the horrible things they are doing.. it’s very hard to digest the injustice but you have to remain joyful. I came into this world with nothing. I will leave with knowing I will live in heaven for eternity. I’d rather live hell on earth and eternity in heaven than live heaven on earth and eternity in hell.
Its taken me 3 years to figure out what happened and your one video has hit every nail on the head. However, my 3 year journey was necessary to deal with the horror, disbelief, anger, understanding and acknowledgement.
We heard for years from our child how grateful he was to have grown up in our home, what awesome examples of parents we were and how thankful he was for learning about marriage from us. All said with the added comments about looking forward to future with us after his marriage. And that has now become “well…you made choices for your family” as an excuse that it is ok to cut us off from fellowship with his whole family. The world has gone nuts.
My grown sons (in their 50’s) have changed to different people. They can’t stand that I have a TBI from a horrific accident I was in & I have changed. My memory is terrible. They’ve stolen from me.
Unfortunately I have come to terms with this & probably will never talk to them again. I give up.😢
I am so very sorry. I do hope these videos help you.
It goes both ways. So many parents refuse to acknowledge what harm they have done to their children. They lie, say it didn't happen and gaslight their children so they can pretend they are loving parents.
That may be some parents but I don't think it's the majority. I've acknowledged my mistakes asked for forgiveness so many times, yet I'm not forgiven. My son has never visited me once in nearly 13yrs. I visited him and all he wants to do is argue. I tried to call but he never has the time and if he does you can hear the frustration or aggravation in his voice because I'm bothering him? I just want to make sure that he's okay and see how his life is going. He's made me physically ill because of this I was in the hospital last week because some of this horrible things he said to me. I've tried all I can, don't know how much I can take. Also, he has mental issues that do not help the situation. It's out of my control and I've handed it over to God.
I did everything you mention, therapy for both, went to therapy with her, stayed in a marriage, then left an abusive marriage to protect her, didn’t give her a stepdad as she asked me to, spent money and gave her the same opportunities her siblings had even being a single mother now. I tried my best. I’ll make the list and have it ready for when I start crying and feeling guilty.
So very sorry for your situation. Stay strong and trust God.
I deeply miss my my grandchildren.
I truly understand!
Same!!
Giving a narcissist parent respect is not easily done. I find it easier to stay away and forgive, than to point out their own hypocrisy
It's not always that a parent is narcissistic. My kids were adopted at 11 and 12 and the damage they suffered was great. We certainly were not narcissistic parents. I'm sure that your statement is likely but not for everybody. I'm sure it was very difficult to have narcissistic parents. I can relate very well.
I hear you both.
I'm sandwiched between two generations of this. First my dad, now my daughter. He died when she was two, so she never knew him, but she is so much like him.
THEN when she dead and gone you’re going to wished you had not been this way
Pointing out anything as to how they could improve on things in any way is for sure problematic when trying to communicate with someone who is under some sort of negative influence. For example women from the baby boomer generation who have ever vocalized our identity as being feminist are having to become experts at being able to keep the conversation going in the most positive way possible. Having to cope with a daughter in law who is angry and blaming towards us is not uncommon for women from the baby boomer generation having to cope with too. Some of us from the baby boomer generation have mothers from the same generation. Instead of them feeling angry towards their bosses about how part time contract work without any benefits which supports young parents to bring up a young family has become the norm. Instead it feels safer to them when blaming all feminists regardless if that is a feminist who is against abortion. Would be interesting to see a study which looks at how many years between mother and child affects the generation gap between them.
Cannot thank you enough for your insights. Going through hell with my 30 something children . Gobsmacked at their calculating methods of cruelty. But working through it with the help of your videos.
So glad it was helpful.
@@FamiliesDividedTV much much more than that 😇🙏🙏
Is the 30's when this insanity hits them? My only son was 37 when he pulled his crap. I can't figure it out so I just live my life, still analyze it all the time, total insanity.
@Drumbeat52 totally relate. And it is total insanity.
If you are single I think it’s worse, since being a single parent my children have done nothing but try to manipulate me and disrespect me, so over it.
it really is; I was mom & dad most their lives - now I don't exist:(
Me too.
I was unconscious and made the biggest mistake of my life. My poor poor dad. Weep. I am in complicated grief since 2010. I have a bad feeling I am never going to get over it. My cross to carry. I know 99% I was set up by my mentally ill mom. This is a warning to all children to appreciate their parents and really see them before making life altering sorrow. Fallen world beware. I got it horribly wrong. Survival mode gone wrong. Wake up! Before it's all over but the crying. 😭. Love is the answer. Love one another as I have loved you, Jesus. Weep.
This makes me realize how blessed I am to have 3 wonderful adult sons who treat me with a great deal of respect and care. Hugs to everyone else out there who are suffering.
This is a sad comment it would seem for the people that are suffering so much. I’m not thinking that this would help anyones anguish.
Why are you here?
Some of the younger generattion has lost there minds. Exactly respect!! You have one mother and one father that put you first an and they are due respect. Im glad I grew up when I did. Sure mt mom drives me crazy but I would never walk away from her.
So because you had your child, YOUR CHOICE not theirs. They HAVE to respect you??? The entitlement from you is disgusting, if your kid doesn't respect you that says alot about you, not them. I hope they have cut all ties with you you sick narcissist.
I am an adolescent and family therapist. In my practice, I observe adolescent children-and even younger children- increasingly treating their parents with severe contempt, shunning, anger, and sometimes violence, not to mention using truly abusive language. Perfectly acceptable parents, teachers etc, are stymied by these high levels of disrespectful behavior- and feel backed into a corner as the abuse escalates. I think adult children's contempt for family begins early. Get help intervening if you can.
Totally agree.
No internet for anybody go to church or community organization that show good behavior .
That behavior reflects more on the parents. You deserve what you tolerate and these parents unintentionally raised them as spoiled brats who can't regulate their emotions (or they're emulating their parents). Parents are delusional about their children until it's too late.
My general sense, partly based on issues I had with my parents, and ones my teenage son has with me and his dad, is that today’s kids feel owed a lot more from their parents while at the same time feeling less regard for what their parents are providing. And we parents are too afraid to demand household help or basic respect for fear our kids will snap or turn on us. And they will, with the encouragement and support readily available to them online if not in person.
@@elstal22 I agree with you, in general. It's a profound societal problem, devastating parents and grandparents and ruining their last years. I wonder too about the adult children's lack of of social involvement and compassion for their world. If ever the world needed engagement and compassion from young people in the US, it's right now. Of course, there are some extraordinary youth- the Kids from the School in Florida whose classmates who dedicated their young lives to gun control, are stellar examples. But I see so many 30, 40 even 50 something adult children who shun their parents- some with good reason and others not- and have no curiosity about their parents' lives. What will they pass on to their children other than money? These entitled adult children will deprive their own children of their families' life stories.
This was exactly what I needed. Thank you. Our eldest son is mentally ill and abuses drugs and alcohol.
So very sorry. I am glad that this helped. I hope others will as well.
My son has been completely horrible to me, but I'm trying to understand him and I forgive him every time.
Al anon or Nar anon-life saver x
Isn't is odd. If we abandoned your youngsters when they needed us, it would be criminal. But the same principle doesn't apply to them!
Yes...because you had them. They didn't ask to be born, they owe you nothing
Uhm it was YOUR selfish choice to birth them. They didn't have a choice. Children are not properties. They're human beings with free will.
@@mcdermottclairebaloney! You CAN leave your kids to orphanages, foster care, grandparents or the other parent. As in an adult kid could dump their parent on a nursing home or other siblings. But the parent didnt, they chose to care for the child because they love them. Adult kids who dont think they OWE decent care to their parents are shady, shallow people. People who don't care about their own flesh and blood are low class, have no taste.
Both have a choice and both are low Life's if they treat their flesh and blood like nothing trash. Morally deficit. Parents owe children care and children owe parents care . Parents cant choose their kids personality any more than kids can choose parents personality.
@deborahdean8867 I said one statement, that you don't owe your parents anything. You said baloney. Are you telling me that because your parents had sex and you came into the world that you should say thank you for it?
@mcdermottclaire Truth be told: This generation has no regard for the traditional family. The values my generation held firm to is in rapid decline. My choice to become a parent was to nurture human life and to establish traditions. This generation tends to be, Me! Me! Me!
How many parents were shunned starting in 2020?
I wish I never had her. It was a big waste of my life. I wish I was never a mother.
I bet she's probably known that for a long time. But sure, SHE'S the problem here.
I know how hard it is to say that... but I completely understand and have felt that way myself many times.
@@djer05010401
She’s grown now!!!
18 your grown
Everybody has to stand up at 18
Same
@@djer05010401but if it was a adult child saying they wish they'd never had her as a mother, you'd be all sympathetic and STILL blame the mother for being to blame. All these trolls who assume its the parents fault all the time must be the same self consumed people who are ungrateful for their parents sacrifices.