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I have followed your work for 24 YEARS since my daughter was alienated by her father at the age of 14. He kept her for three months, refusing to allow her to speak to me or to return her. As the custodial parent, I eventually enforced the court order to have her returned to my care. Well, she came back fully changed. She was hostile, bulimic, hyper vigilant and abusive. Over time, I managed to obtain a court order to enter into reconciliation therapy with her. It helped, but, there were frequent flair ups and abusive verbal attacks. In March 2024 while visiting her at her home, she assaulted me. I was able to leave relatively unharmed, but sustained bruises. I have disengaged from her now and attending therapy. I have come to realize she never came home. She has continued to enact his alienation agenda and is an extension of him. I have decided to have nothing to so with her anymore. Enough is enough.

I don’t even miss my son. He met a mean, jealous girl in high school and he started treating his loving family like dirt. But my granddaughters! Sometimes I think I’m going to die of grief.

My poor mother had borderline personality disorder, on top of that I was highly sensitive w learning issues. Plus I she had a 2nd boy 18 months later. She was overwhelmed, very frustrated and angry. I understand but it required years of therapy to grasp this.

We are in the EXACT same situation. It’s incredibly selfish for any adult to take such a valuable relationship away from children. Heartbreaking

Pray pray and keep praying for your child. Prayer works both ways! It helps you to heal yourself and completely heal the child of yours! Sounds hypothetical but it worked for me and my daughter! Took years of patience and trust in God.

Pray first- before any interaction. Ask God to bless you with CALM.

I think you may be dealing with a bunch of narcissistic parents who play the victim and can't accept their part in the toxicity of the relationship! These parents are never in the wrong and will ALWAYS try to blame shift. There is generally a good reason for adult children to say "I've had enough!" Maybe we finally learned to give ourselves the love denied and place strong boundaries that weren't accepted by the parent. Most of these types of parents need to realize that THEY are the reason behind the "mental illness" that they love to throw at you (depression/anxiety). Why, because again, they are likely narcissists that have fragile egos and can't accept their part in the demise. Quit defending and enabling them. They made their beds and are very likely giving you a very skewed version of the relationship.

💀

I found out that I was abusive. It came out in an article published in a newspaper. My sorrow and sadness is great. My 2 adult children are a mystery.

Good advice

But my dil tried to hit me! My son, did nothing! I was going to put a few hundred thousand in their home to move there because they wanted me there. I lost my son and my granddaughters. What do I do now?

The most effective way to take control of the narrative is to present God's moral standard to your kids. There has to be a standard to measure everything by. Study the Bible. Learn the moral standard taught by Jesus Christ, and do your best to live by it yourself, always keeping forgiveness and reconciliation in mind, but be bold in the profession of God's narrative. This is literally foundational to civilization. Without God's moral standard, civilization fails.

My late husband was a narcissist who smeared my reputation even as our young children were living with us! Now, a widow of age 76, I literally have no family. I live alone in the woods, trying to live as best as I can with a bleeding heart and damaged self esteem. I feel hopeless.

Did i just hear you say ‘turns against you’? I am hearing a pattern of passive aggressiveness. Are you really a qualified therapist? Surely you could use less judgmental and inflammatory language. My own therapist never speaks this way. A better expression would be one that is clear but neutral. I am not exactly sure what you could have said but that definitely was a red flag for me.

If theyve cut you off, thats not disrespect, thats self respect. You don't have to respect someone just because they are older. We are breaking the chain of abuse, starting by cutting off the toxicity in our lives. There is no conversation once youve been cut off, thats what estrangement is. We're done talking. Thats the point. You want to know what you can do as an estranged parent? If theres any chance for you, which for many there is none because the damage is too great, it all boils down to the three As. Accountability, Apology, Action. Take accountability for what youve done. Apologize, genuinely. And let your actions reflect real change. Stop making the mistakes that pushed them away. If your response to this is "ive done nothing wrong, they cut me off for no reason" there is no hope for you. That is narcissism. No parent, no person is perfect. If you cant find a single thing youve done wrong, you are most certainly the problem and you are not in a place where you can successfully reconcile. Kids do not cut off their parents for no reason. It just doesnt happen. Stop blaming everyone else. Self reflect. Do not make excuses like this man is clearly doing. This mentality will get you nowhere. You know youre dealing with a toxic narcissist when you keep hearing the word "control", because that really is what its all about with them. Thats not what its about for kids who cut off their parents. Its about freedom, happiness, and protecting the family they make from the poison they were forced to endure. This man thinks that being faced with the truth of the damage hes done is abuse. That a child being honest about the mistreatment theyve faced is just disrespect. This is not the case. It is not abusive to confront someone about how they have treated you. This video is not going to help you. Its only going to hurt you.

Of course a toxic parent would consider it "defiance" for a child to escape a terrible relationship with them. Its all about control with these people. They dont realize that obsession with control is a huge reason why their kids want nothing to do with them. If parents wanted any chance at reconciliation, what they actually need is to have some accountability and to apologize and make actual changes. There is no reconciliation for me, because my cut off parents are like this. This attitude is not helping you. Making excuses, justifying the mistakes youve made. Using religion as a sheild against your terrible choices. (Which i guess makes sense when you think about the fact that it says your god drowned the entire world in a massive temper tantrum because he wasnt getting enough attention, which is VERY parallel to toxic parent behavior). Kids dont cut off their parents for no reason. If you think your kid is the one that needs fixing, thats your lack of accountability. Change can be possible, but not if this is how you think about it. What estranged parents should be doing, rather than listening to nonsense like this, is looking at stories from adult estranged children. Get in deep, recognize the similarities, listen to what these people wanted to see from their parents before they cut the cord. What they would want to see to fix things, if anything. If youre still focused on control, youre not ready to reconcile. This woman is very clearly hyper fixated on control. That is not going to do you any good.

So helpful. Thank you.

A previously alienated child wrote this song... th-cam.com/video/a064u7Ribp4/w-d-xo.htmlsi=Q5HMfBmIq099e8R4

th-cam.com/video/a064u7Ribp4/w-d-xo.htmlsi=Q5HMfBmIq099e8R4 A composition from a previously alienated daughter.

Does anyone recommend sending this to the estranged child?

12:10 “you get to own your own narrative, they don’t get to pronounce what kind of person or parent you were” -could you elaborate on that please? I’m confused by this concept. 13:25 write out the good things but not the bad? Why so biased? All mistakes have a reason behind them? 15:37 “get feedback from people who know you” -people that you have an “equal” relationship with or folks you have had power over? Why not listen to the folks who actually LIVED with you? Validating your image is not the right answer here & may be closer to the root of the problem, image vs reality. The reality is that children are a MIRROR & what you see that you don’t like is coming from YOU. 20:27 replace the phrase “your child” with “you, yourself” & again, the problem is clear, I’m surprised you don’t hear this stuff when you watch your own video. “I should be able to guilt & shame anyone” but “I will not be subjected to the same” oh really? It seems that once you become a parent you are suddenly flushing rosebuds down the toilet everyday, it’s amazing!!!!! Thanks for the insight!!!

I finally gave up on my one daughter..it's completely over😢

I cannot walk on eggshells anymore. I've jumped up and down, stood on my head, stayed away, showed up when they needed me, made amends, didn't say anything that may make them feel guilty, just contacted them on holidays, just texted instead of calling and still I fall short. I'm finally at the place of acceptance after too much. I send cards and gifts and send a text on birthdays and accept what may. I moved across country and have found peace. I pray for my kids and for Gods will to be done and let go.

Absolutely. 50/50 parenting with no financial child maintenance as automatic starting point, and can measure and intervene from there

Why would you encourage parents to enable an abusive adult son or daughter to continue abuse? --Parents who without true cause are rejected by an adult child should let that son or daughter go and go on with life. You should not encourage people to be abused by anyone.

This was amazingly helpful! I am very grateful for the advice and will definitely give it a try.

On this story is another story of my own. Born in chicago illinois i never knew my father. My mother left with me when i was two years old and changed my last name. Not legally. My maiden birth last name was Bonelli. She had it changed to Bloom all through my school age years but it was never done through the courts or legally. So here I was yearbook editor at a big school in california with my full name in gold on the front cover but only to find out that their was no chikd by that name legally who attended school there lol.

Wow this is excellent because I was the good enough mother whom my children loved. I was just financially struggling with four of kids at home. Their father was abusive tiwards me but had lots of money owning his own heavy equipement construction business. It was aweful the qay he treated me with very demeaning and vulgar assaults. So by advice from womens reaource center, christian police officer and attorney I served q restraining order to remove him from the house and seek counseling. Example I came home from a college class in which I had just received an "A" in child development and he didnt hear me come in. He had all 5 of my children gathered at the table as they were all developmental ages at the time. Was telling them all I was banging a young man at the college. He abused ke with false accusations all the time. So from the restraining order ue filed for devorce. He continued with a smear campaign in a small town. I oeft for Anchorage and his pursuet of these battles for the kids lasted 10 years while i tried every type of shared custody including week on week off when i was in the small town. Eventually the court ordered paychological evaluations. He was diagnosed a Narcissist and inspire of my fears and pleading with the Judge in the small town that he threatens me they are his kids, he awarded him custody on the third trial based on he was more financially secure. I was devastated. On that loss i was sure he now had control and the abuse would continue and i may loose my relationship with my kids. I started drinking. I went into treatment and graduated. When i came out my oldest two daughters were now very angry. But it continues as he ailenated me from my youngest two. The state of Alaska tried to over turn that Judges decision based on Narcissistic abuse etc. our case was 8 volums full. The parental ailenation continued and grew for years as he had all the money. Job opportunities, travels to other countries etc. And now I deal with ailenation of grandchildren also. Theyve learned that some of them atleast one can also punish me by use of a granddaughter and has recreated this form of abuse. Theres so much more to this life story for me but the psychological and emotional long term abuse is a huge part of the story. I really appreciate this video and story you share. Narcissistic abuse, abuse by proxy, stalking, stalking by proxy, Narcissistic abuse and a long bitter need to see the other mother like myself suffer is a real story. It can last for decades. Ive lost so much now at 63 years old. I even lost my inheritance by my mother who had three titkes to three homes. He was down here for years helping my mother with her finacial decisions after her husband died. There is no proof it was done by him but I am sure the caculating strategic narcissistic abuse and smear campaigns did not help at all.

Thank you for making this video!😊

You forgot to add "Provided the parent is not a total c**t". No person is owed anything, not love, not respect. Those you have to earn. Just because you chose to have a baby doesn't mean they owe you love or respect by default. They didn't ask to be born, it was your decision. And the fact that you give them a home, food and medicine is the bare minimum required by law. Now if you are a good, loving, generous parent, sure, your kid will love and respect you, and will not have any reason to distance themselves from you. But if you're an abusive, narcissistic, self-centered bastard of a parent, you get what's coming to you and that is in the best interest of your offspring. No person that i know that went low-contact or no-contact with their parents has had a happy, healthy, loving home. I'm not saying that there aren't c**t kids who just get off on antagonizing their elders, but the former is much more often the case.

My daughter became involved with a self smug narcissist 30 years ago who was planning a career as a therapist, so was practicing on her. He sequestered her in an unknown part town giving her nightly therapy for two years whereupon she would cry miserably, dredge up real or imagined trauma and he would give her "compassion". He got her so worked up that she pretended not to see me or my husband on the street. Of course we were not invited to their wedding but his parents flew in from abroad. They left the country where we were living without informing us in the year 2000. I have not heard from them since and three grandchildren in their teens and early 20's. There is an interesting twist here since she knew my family was abusive to me and even witnessed my mother physically attacking me in 1989. I never would have dreamed that she eventually would join up with them against a common enemy, me, and get rewards such as pity and money that should have gone to me from my parents when they passed. I do think, however, that not being in proximity to her and the fake therapist husband has been better than what my brothers did to my father, using their kids as blackmail pawns. Those who establish relationships with grandkids are worse off than me, although it did hurt a lot over the years. I agree that the emotional turmoil my daughter has gone through all this time must be horrendous. It's like taking a snapshot of a toddler having a fit and its being repeated for 30 years. When she was acting out before the couple left and saying incredibly vile things to me, I got the impression she was caught in an adolescent bind. In other words, defying me while proclaiming her freedom but actually craving enmeshment, for me to agree exactly with everything she felt or wanted. I told her as an adult I have a right to my opinion as to whom she would marry and I did state he didn't seem good for her. Well, she got her revenge by joining up with my abusive family of origin to prove that there is agreement and validation for her behavior. Honestly, you can't make this s**t up. Nieces and nephews with whom I should have contact with have been prejudiced by her lies and blocked me from social media such as Facebook.

Narrsistic abuse

No compassion no empathy it takes a lifetime to learn these skills so I leave it to them hoping that in time they will learn both my children live far from me in other country I’m thankful for that because they need space to explore and grow to maturity on the other hand I don’t trust that they are capable of connecting with my reality I’m sad and upset but I’m trying to come to terms with the upset and loneliness that I feel I’m a single parent now in my late 77 tees I’m happy to have this time of peace I don’t know if I’ll ever see my children and grandchildren again but that’s their choice and they will have to live with the

In my case I wad never even given notice of the court hearings and on all of the final hearings where everyone else was there and signed where my name is it is stamped "not appearimg:. That shows me that it was known ahead of time that I wad not going to be present. Plus I was never given an attorney and I couldn't afford one.

I need help. How can I actually talk to someone. I have read your book. I have listened to all your TH-cam posts. I have so many questions... STILL.

I feel like my GAL was paid off by the aunt and uncle because when my kids dad and i went to her and told her that the aunt was the one who instigated my babys dad to get resytaining order against me. Whem i asked to see my kids she told me that if i wanted to see my kids it would have to be at the councelors office that the kids aunt had them going to so my kids could air their grievances at me and the rich aunt and uncle didnt want to pay for it i had too..

Me and my children are victims of PAS. My kids dad just committed suicide from it. Well what happened is that their dad's sister and her husband took our kids years ago and the uncle wad molesting our daughter it's documented happening since 2 months before they took our kids when she was 6 years old it went on for 8 years until it was discovered and the uncle went to prison for 8 years and the aunt acted like she didn't know and she was never held accountable. I suspected that she knew all along and then when the uncle got out of prison I went and saw him in hopes to get help for my son. That SOB made sexual advances at me and he confessed to me that the aunt knew but turned her cheek to it to keep her lifestyle. This was devastating and I tried to end my life over it. Well my kids dad left a suicide note saying that his sister knew. So obviously it was more than he could handle I'm wondering if I can sue the aunt for this. My daughter who is now 32 still will have nothing to do with me. This is so hard

My son was a drug addict and addiction was the middle of our estrangement I eventually lost my son to overdose and he died. In the end all the bad feelings meant nothing. I would give anything to hear his voice and get over my ego and just tell him I’m sorry and love him. Sometimes we don’t understand our child’s internal struggles and did we contribute to the trauma they endured. Sometimes it’s inter generational trauma and it’s just a lineage issues.

Where is this place located

In Cancellation! Been over 4 years. I have 3 grandchildren now. Oldest is 6 and I haven't seen since she was 6 months old. Horrible Daughter In Law and Son who has been brainwashed. Divorced caused by all of them. Gaslighted, blamed, forced out of my town. For what? Egos!!

I moved 3 states away and went no contact. Since then, I've moved again. I'm hoping to move again in a few months and get a new phone and number. I'm 74 and had to leave what was supposed to be my forever home, with whatever clothes I could stuff into a couple of grocery bags.

I’m glad I found this channel. I think after listening I’ve realised I don’t actually want to reconcile with my son. I love him and I always will but his wife is quite volatile and has verbally attacked me and I feel quite frightened of her and no longer want to be around her. It is an enormous sacrifice and one I never in my life thought I would have to pay. I never dreamt this estrangement would happen. After listening to this I’ve realised it’s actually okay to wish him well and to pray that he finds happiness…. But not being in my life. I have told him the door is always open and that his father and I love him and always will. Who knows what may happen later on down the track but I kind of feel at peace that I don’t have to have that woman in my life anymore.

My parents are self absorbed and only want to be around when they get something. I don't talk to them but none of their children do because it isn't us, but actually the causation is correlated to their own behavior

Omg out of all the videos I have watched this is this wisest most helpful video on the webs! Thank you

Bc it’s ALWAYS the parent in these videos. Maybe, just maybe the kids are entitled assholes

Powerful statement at the end - makes total sense, thank you ! ❤🙏❤

No wonder that new generation doesn't want kids at all, they figured it out that with this new trend - why to invest 18-25 years to something that at the end does not have any value? Moreover, in a worst case scenario - it even will hurt you: psychologically, finally, socially and sometimes even physically - all of that makes no sence to them. Right?

This looks like a therapy session teaching a person with narcissistic traits how to model empathy, but unfortunately most of the comments are parents with narcissistic traits feeling sorry for themselves, if they do 10% of what you are saying 90% of their children will come back. But i dont think they are capable to acknowledge the kernel of the truth you want them to acknowledge.

The best help thank you With out knowing is a giving that when is child abuse involved DCF send kids to therapy like my case . So I go where ever they send me . Not even to win but for the kid health. 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 Thank youuuuu

Moved, changed my number. Didn’t inform the kids. I hit done 8 years ago, and made real sure they could not contact me. I am sad that my grandson will not ever know me, but I have no regrets because it wasn’t of my doing. I refuse to be abused just so that I could have contact. I am much happier now. Took a couple years to work through the anger, but there is now peace.