Me and hubby broke off our relationship with our 48 year old daughter (4) years ago. I simply got tired of being blamed, raged at, and told I'm toxic. I set boundaries for respect, civility, and dignity. She went over the line, and that was it ... she got what she wanted ... no contact. Breaks my heart, and I have a lot of anger, but the more I understand her psychological make-up, the easier it gets. Fortunately, we have a wonderful relationship with our 22 year old grandson. I think he recognizes his mom's illness, and we don't put him in the middle. We are fortunate to have him in our lives ❤.
Good for you to be able to remove her from your life. Unfortunately I haven't been that lucky my 40 year old stalks me, has broken into my home when I was away and hacked my internet phone and computer. I have been to the police and get a order of protection but so far nothing or no one has helped.
You cannot control how your narcissistic daughter behaves, but you can control your response. Thankfully! Best just not to engage with her, you cannot win!
I needed to hear this. My daughter gaslit me so much that I actually started blaming myself. I blocked her after Mother’s Day. Life’s so much more peaceful now.
Good for you to be able to remove her from your life. Unfortunately I haven't been that lucky my 40 year old stalks me, has broken into my home when I was away and hacked my internet phone and computer. I have been to the police and get a order of protection but so far nothing or no one has helped.
Thank you for this I am in the process of letting go of my 45 year old narcissistic daughter and her abuse. She is my only child and family. It is not easy and I am going through alot of heartache right now...
I am very sorry for your pain. I know your pain. Mine was my only child. I went to God on my knees many times but in the end I gave her totally to God.
This is my adult daughter and it's my own fault. I over indulged her, rarely ever said no, constantly told her that she was the most beautiful, smartest and greatest girl in the world. I nursed her until she was 4 because she didn't want to transition to a bottle. I literally spoiled her rotten. I did all of these things because of my own childhood in which I was never validated, neglected and mentally and physically abused. I swore that I would do the opposite in parenting my child and I went way overboard. She is physically beautiful and flaunts herself all over social media and recently has upped the ante by claiming that she was an abused child when in fact a hand was never laid on her and she was given constant love, reassurance, support and protection from her own misdeeds. I've seen this happen with some of my friends children as well. It seems that oftentimes those children who were treated the best end up treating their parents the worst and those that weren't treated very well treat their parents quite well. I took care of both of my parents to their last breath and financially and emotionally supported them when I achieved success. It's very sad to discover that we as parents created these little monsters that treat us so terribly. It's heart wrenchingly painful. If only we'd have known that overindulging our children was as bad as abusing them. Both create narcassists. It's called spoiled rotten for a reason.
THIS I saw many comments that say it only happen in broken family. I think it's the other way around. Raising your daughter as a "princess" then, you'll end up with someone who think herself as a princess. Many many people complain here on how they are victims of narsicist and yet, they are full grown adults and have the power to change that but they choose to do nothing and paint themselves as victims to have support from others. They aren't vicitms. Not at all. And if so, they are victims of themselves.
@@xminusone1 Its natural as a Father to protect your daughter over all others, to sacrifice yourself for them 1 reason wars are fought, to give them a better life than you had, to inspire them with confidence, that they can do or be anything they want in life ..... And like the Dr says this narcissism is common and something most grow out of, all children think the world revolves around them and find out later in life it doesn't as they become adults. A normal daughter would see there are life challenges, that everything is not just handed to them, But what is happening especially with young adult women and social media stunts them! especially if they are pretty they get 1000 likes and praises for doing absolutely nothing, and expecting everything for it, My female cousin is like this and I warned my daughter as a teen do not be like her! and threatened my cousin to stay away from her!! But my daughter made her own choices as an adult, shes constantly re-enforced she is a princess who deserves the world at her feet. Had I been a non-caring, non-sheltering, and you cant do anything father or never have spoiled her a day in her life it would not matter so don't blame me, because she looks and dresses well its assumed shes intelligent, or her opinions matter more ( look at Fox news female TV hosts or any in the spotlight female ) So she studies things shes not smart enough for but is constantly being told she is, when its assumed because shes beautiful she deserves to be rich its not me telling her its society. As a young child she was not pretty to the point shes thrown away all her childhood pictures and my daughter is married but most are not because no man is good enough for them no matter what they do, Why would you expect to think they think their own parents arent good enough for them either? My daughter sees both me and her mother as an embarrassment, the parents are the victims of adult children who make their own choices, guided by a society that overvalues them AFTER they've left home and went on their own way only to abandon those who loved them the most in favor of whoever praises them everyday and the most even at age 40 - Most people are what they are a product of society, and the surroundings that they live in - So filling yourself with guilt that you spoiled them, is just another way a narcissist can blame because no one can satisfy a true narcissist
Strict over spoiled is definitely better! My parents called the shots, not us kids. I deferred to my daughter wayy too much & have suffered the consequences of not following Biblical wisdom.
@@thuggoe So rare to see someone who gets it. If a child needs discipline and love, giving him or her a cellphone is inappropriate to accomplish the task. So many people think permissiveness is love. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My mother was a pure narcissist and unfortunately my eldest daughter has taken after her. She has broken my heart over and over again, and uses my grandchildren as a weapon against me. I could write a book on all the things she has said and done to me over years. The hurt never seems to heal when it's your own child.
My mother is an evil malignant narcissist and got her class into my daughter when she attended college near my mother's home. I didn't know at the time what was going in, but after I moved back here where my mother lives, I found out that she told some incredible lies and even tried to and did change my daughter's childhood memories. Now my daughter behaves just like a malignant narcissist. Like my mother.
What are their fathers like? Children of narcissists rarely recognise the dysfunction they grew up with as normal as being toxic until it’s too late. Did either of you have these girls with narcissistic men? Maybe they are just emulating the relational patterns they were exposed to throughout their lifetime. Including immediate family, in this case, Grandma.
I totally agree with you. Been dealing with a narcissistic daughter for years and I had to eventually sever the relationship. Children can and do abuse parents too.
My daughter is now 30 years old, she has many of these traits and I have always hope she would turn her life around. Now, I know I just have to take it one day at a time, set my own boundaries, and find my own inner peace.
@@muirgirl yep, this is the caterwauling of THAT generation that let their kids get abused. They wonder why we keep our kids away from these a-holes. Generation selfish!
My sister had a son on her own because nobody can stand her… it’s cruel to be a single,parent for purely extrinsic reasons and to manipulate others for personal gains. That’ likely describes her.
Exactly that’s what, I’ve always said. Because, if you even have them in your life it’s putting stress on your life that you don’t need and, they don’t seem to care how they treat you or how it effects you and your life. Everyone has to do what’s best for them and do what they need for there health and sanity.
How right you are. We were cut off for 10 years by both our girls and then when my husband was dying they both turned up as if nothing had ever been wrong. Even just before he died my gentle husband said the ‘sharks are circling’. How sad for him to feel that. Now I am tossed aside again. It is very hurtful as we had devoted our lives to their education, music and all their needs. I’ve always blamed myself for spoiling them.
It is not your fault or your husband that your girls turned out to be narcassistic jerks. Sometimes, even with good parenting, we end up with rotten apples.
I blame it on the food in our society all the junk food... But stay away from them and don't put all your happy eggs and their basket cuz I got the same situation going on with both my daughters.... I took down all their pictures and all their art that I saved from when they were little kids I'm giving it all back to them...I don't want any reminders in my life about their poison and who they've become..... Can we blame it on food allergies I don't know.. .
Ditto! Suffering the same consequences of spoiling my only daughter. Never turns out well 😒 Lisa, I did the same thing only just boxed up and turned around pic's as I don't want reminders of better days " gone by"😪
I am glad to read your post! Because like you I realize that me wanting a better life for my children has actually helped my daughter to become narcissistic! Your husband was right they are liken to predators! Circling around to see whom they can devour! I know it hurts but get over it and live your life peacefully as possible! Try to gain new friends and if God is good he will bring you new family who are not blood relatives but will treat you as if you are! Be kind to yourself! You have been through enough! Enough is enough!
Don't forget, the narcissist (daughter/son) picks a target to demean, whether at home, school, or work. They are very competitive when there is no need to be. They will spread lies about the target or sabotage the target in order to discredit them and gain sympathy from the supporters so they can get what they want without having to compete fairly with the target, especially when there was an easier way for them to get what they wanted. They have a distorted view of life and their own power.
I’m struggling as well with my adult daughter I can’t believe and just find out recently that such people exist to treat their parent miserably as my daughter are I work a lot cook for her and support her in so many way but she end up lying and misinterpreted about me to her friends behind my back I’m so ashamed of her behavior ! I told her if you not happy and daily call me name please move out I don’t like fighting I just want to be happy etc…. 😭😭😭😭🙏🏽🙏🏽💔💔💔💔
This describes my daughter to a t sadly. The pain and grief is unbearable sometimes. Thank you for validating what really happens when an adult child treats their parent like this. It’s very painful as a parent because I want the best for her but many times I am applaud at her spiteful nature. Wish there was magic solution for narcissism. 😪
The best video I have ever heard describing my adult daughter. Her disrespectful treatment of me as her mother has come to the point I no longer can tolerate. No Contact has been my only avenue for relief. Now I have regained my life putting myself as the priority. Enough was enough I had to release her. Daughters age is 39. Taking verbal abuse, temper tantrums, raging out of control was enough. It feels good to have her drama out of my life. Out of site, Out of Mind has been wonderful.
Is wonderful really the right word though? I know from having a daughter like that myself that life is easier when they're not in your life and it's less painful but I definitely wouldn't call it wonderful. In a way I envy you though because my parents invite my daughter to every family function and she acts like I'm not even there every time (she's 20). She's married and I don't know what'll happen when she starts having kids of her own and she starts bringing them to family functions. Will I be allowed to talk to them and hold them? I doubt it. It makes me sick at heart.
Mary I can’t speak for DeeDee, but she said that out of sight, out of mind was wonderful. She didn’t say her life was wonderful. I have a 40 yr old daughter that causes a lot of grief to all family members, and it is nice to omit that drama from my life. I miss her and my grandkids, but the stress she adds is certainly not missed.
@@tigresmom5654 Hello Mary, I am already going through this...I have tried everything I can think of to mend the relationship with my adult daughter and she continues to tell everyone that I don't want anything to do with her or my grandchildren. I bought her and the grandchildren birthday gifts and she wouldn't accept them. There was a celebration of life event in our family and we were both there, she told my sister, "I don't know why mom never texts me"...my sister asked me why I don't. I showed her on my phone that I do. I brought puzzles to the event for my grandchildren, they played with them but my daughter left them on the table when she went home. Dealing with this is not easy, but I can feel comfort in knowing that I have tried everything.
Dr. Grande, I just watched your video, and it fits my life with my daughter. My daughter basically blames me for everything bad that has happened in her life. She is 59 yrs old and most of the time, she acts like a hateful, foul-mouthed teenager. I love her, but I don't even like to be around her. You're right, I feel guilty every day because in my heart I feel like I failed her. But in my head, I know that I was a good mother. We are like night and day, and we never agree on anything. I've just recently been researching Narcissism and it describes my daughter perfectly. I don't know what to do with her. It stresses me beyond description.
@@diana-rq2vr Thank you for responding to my comment. My daughter's latest torment for me was to send out texts to several friends and family, basically telling them that they didn't really know me at all. Then she proceeded to tell them what I'm really like and all the terrible things I've done that ruined her life. I haven't seen or heard from her in several months. She's blocked me from her phone. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her since she is now my only child. (My son died of a heart attack. Her relationship with him is another very long story). Anyway, one of the last things my daughter said to me was that any time she has been nice to me in her whole life...she was pretending. I will be 79 in a few days, still up and about, but sad. My husband of 57 years died recently and I feel so very much alone. This is NOT how I imagined my life would be like, did you?
@@tonidoyle6951 Involve in your local community, go to an orphanage and adopt a teenage, provide the child with a good life in return you will have someone in your life and wont feel vulnerable.. Or get a rescue dog or cat look after the animal if physically you are able to do it. Make your will and take your daughter out of your will. Leave your estate to charities that you believe are doing good job. Do not tell this to your daughter. She is your only relative but she is detrimental to your health. Stay as far away as possible. She is 59 don't expect her to change and be a nice daughter.
@@kariminalminds feeling your pain. My daughter is 16 and now tortures my head in the same way her dad did. She lived with him for a while and now lives with me. I've tried to turn my life around but I still feel hopeless because now I hear her dad in everything she says to me. He has destroyed our relationship and now we are destroying it without him even being present. It's heart breaking because all I want is a loving relationship with her. We are both victims but I'm to blame for everything.
10 signs = 1. Needing approval - e.g. trying to impress teachers, parents, friends through achievements likes grades, good deeds 2. Won't take direction - e.g. will refuse to go to bed on time, do homework 3. Aversion to criticism - e.g. dismissing or attacking the criticiser, overreacting to criticism, unfair comparisons to others 4. Jealousy - e.g. complaining about being the 'less favoured' child (regardless if true or not) 5. Taking sides - e.g. dividing or triangulating the parents through insults 6. Overusing social media - e.g. showing off friends/likes/appearance, provocative posts 7. Insubordination at work - e.g. insulting the boss/co-workers, bemoaning her lowly (initial) position, not respecting authority 8. Appearance focused - e.g. demeaning parents' appearance, bragging about or flaunting her appearance 9. Jealousy - e.g. belief that family members are jealous of their appearance, partner, social position 10. Preoccupation with inheritance - e.g. sensitised to parents spending habits, health Thanks for the great content, as always, Todd.
mitchell howarth as a teacher I can tell you that with middle and high school aged kids, pretty much all of them meet this criteria ie wanting to impress with achievements not taking direction over using social media and feeling disenfranchised next to their siblings.
Triangulation seems like a big red flag when done for no reason, such as a separation, divorce, or even a lot of fighting. It’s almost as a means to gain control - divide and conquer.
I honestly don't know what to say. You have described my eldest daughter to a T and I blamed myself for years. I finally had a therapist who advised me that my life was in danger from my own grief! Thank you for the clarity you give! We have been estranged for nearly twenty years, sadly, but at least I can now breathe. I did my best, and now I can believe it with a lighter heart.
I had to let my daughter go to save my own life. I almost didn't make it. Then I focused on my remaining children and realized how I'd been shortchanging them by trying to fix an unfixable, "lost" child. I'm glad you're okay now.
You absolutely described my adult daughter & what our relationship has looked like. Finally after 39 years, of enduring this toxic relationship I have chose to cut it off & seek help to heal. I appreciate your videos as they are giving me the words to express the abuses I have endured all these years, and to not feel ashamed in telling her “enough”. Thank you.
Infants "test" their caregivers with on-going crying & it's to see if the caregiver will stay & console or leave. There are similarities with the adult child (child narcissist) How far can I exert dominance & do whatever I want: lie, steal, skip school, drink alcohol, smoke & you will stay. I think of Drew Barrymore said she was wild: climbing out of windows late at night, stealing her mother's car, using cocaine at 14 years old, so her mom admitted her to an inpatient program for teens. Drew was resentful & they really haven't had a relationship since. At the end of the day, the parent's priority is to keep the child safe.
Thank you for covering this topic. It's so hard to find. People are out there talking about all the narcissists, but denying that there are suffering parents to these grown narcissists. When they do acknowledge the parents, it's to blame them, and they're already suffering tremendous heartache. Chances are, the narcissist was spoiled, and nothing you do is ever enough.
Yes. This is the first talk I have come across on this subject. My daughter and I haven't spoken in 6 six years. My heart is broken but for my sanity I had to leave the area where we all lived, including leaving my grandgirls who I had homeschooled for 8 years. Once they started graduating evidently I wasn't useful any longer. I was worried for them because she was definitely jealous of our relationship and I found out later that she was quite cruel to them. Not too long after I left, she left her husband and the girls who were young women by then. They don't have a good relationship with her but thank God, we still have a great relationship. It was an absolute nightmare that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
A person who is both bi-polar and narcissistic is truly toxic. They can shred your heart to the point you feel you may bleed to death, and then in fifteen minutes are extremely angry because you're still acting hurt for "no real reason". By the same token, fifteen minutes after that they may be quite "happy" and ask a favor of you as though none of it ever happened.
I have experienced all that and my biggest advice is never travel long distances with them if their driving. Your a sitting duck for this behavior for hours or be stranded. I'm learning.
@@karenabrose4058 absolutely 💯. My daughter's been silent for 7yrs. She texted about a visit. I asked why she wanted to visit when she doesn't want to talk. She called.(7 YEARS!)to talk or rant. So relieved this wasn't at a restaurant where I'd be tempted to walk or sit in uncomfortable silence. Phone 1st
We used to call a kid who wouldn't take direction "intransigent." Part of the reason we have so many narcissistic criminals in our society is because we fudge the truth and we do not maintain high standards of behavior for everyone.
Narcissists persist in their personality traits longer than others. They hate someone longer, they punish more harshly, they have higher highs and lows that are difficult to control. They are spiteful for slights that never happened or were forgotten.
That's the best way to distinguish traits because we all do some of the behaviour but it is the way they hold grudges for six months or years they take someone down rather than engage in a fight it is fighting so dirty that it scares a normal person who doesn't engage like that..?.
You could be describing many of the people I work with, including myself (I have a blue-collar job). These are also traits of people with fragile or bruised egos, which I don't believe to be the same as narcissism. People who are used to being bullied, down-trodden or hurt end up with a strong sense of justice, and it might not be an ingrained personality trait, but rather a learned trait or defence mechanism. I don't have any science to back this up, it's just personal observation.
@@nannygoatj Don't blame yourself; often they come with their own pre-programming from before birth. The love you tried to give them will be returned to you somehow in the future.
My teen daughters have estranged and have put up a great wall of silence so I can't even find out why. Granted, they are victims of parent alienation from their father, but I gave up my world to have and raise them; it wasn't supposed to happen this way. People, think twice about the person you marry. And think thrice about having children. They can break you 😭😭😭
I'm caring for someone's narcissistic teen daughter and being a somewhat permissive parent I've had to force myself to be more firm. I went to bed with some anxiety about my situation and Ironically i had a dream that a green snake bit me and I had to pry its mouth from my hand. I think that the fangs even broke off in my hand. The snake turned into a brown color after that. Sometimes I have dreams that are consistent with things that I'm going through but the meaning is usually obvious so I'm not sure about this one.
I am 72 years old and my daughter is 45 years old now. She's my only child and was raised as if nothing else mattered in my life. She had a perfect father who would have flown to the moon and back for her. I've experienced so much trauma starting from her teenage years. Ive only recently looked uo narcissisim. At last I found an excuse for her behavior. She simply hates me and feels no sympathy whatsoever. I live alone but still take care of my 11 year old grandson after school and weekends. No thanks. I shed a lot of tears and suffered a lot of pain. I've now come to realize that she will not change but I have to for my own sanity. I chose God to be by my side. I ignore her much as possible to avoid confrontation. I watch Christian programs on TV and keep my self busy watching documentary on TH-cam. I'm in a better space now. My only regret is that the person who should love me the most actually can't stand me. But with God by my side I have the whole world at my feet. He says I will never leave you nor forsake you. That's good enough for me.
Stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might. God promises us that He will NEVER fail us nor forsake us. Love you my beautiful, valuable, and precious sister in Christ. Jehovah Shalom.👑👑👑
@@glowjana2898 Thank you for caring and your support. God is good. He is all that we need. When we understand that then the world will be a wonderful place. God bless all of you.
So sorry to hear this… I’m in the same situation. Very painful. She is my only child and she was my world. I have loved her so much. Now she’s taken my grandsons away. I also thought she would always be there for me, as I was for my mother. Nope! I am all alone, except I also have Jesus who is my rock! BIG hug from afar.
Wow, this was enlightening. My eldest daughter carries these traits. She actually decided 15 years ago that we (her family) were an embarrassment. She contantly lied, mercilessly bullied her younger sister and only ever contacted me when she wanted money..Saying no was to start world war 3. She was so out of touch with reality that she would request the most expensive presents for birthdays, Christmas etc. Everything was sweetness and light until she was told no. I struggle with this as her father was a narcissist and I guess he taught her well. Neither of them would ever apologise because of course they were always right. No contact is fine with me.
Thank you Dr Grande. I had to let go of my relationship with my daughter 4 years ago! It’s a very painful decision & process. I just couldn’t process her verbal abuse , threats etc. I had to seek counselling because it was so painful. I gave her all that I could but it just wasn’t enough! Your Channel is very very helpful to help many I am sure! 😊🇨🇦
In America, anything wrong with the kids seems to default as the mother's fault. I was happy to hear the autism gene is passed from the father. Side note, the last 20 years has been dictated by the Paris Hilton's of this world & young girls were following & taking notes on superficial relationships, beauty & being the mean girl. The 1,000 "friends" on Facebook don't even know you! Can't ask for help if your moving or need to change a flat. Many use words loosely & the slightest push back - no worries, have an amazing day phoney reply.
Agree Doing the same with muy daughter. She is so hurtful and Ive done nothing to hurt ver. She 40 yrs old and wont hace anything to do with any family member. She has a college degree but will not work. She uses people mal nly menos to get what she wants no mater the Cost.
Wow, yes narcissists are highly critical of others, can’t handle criticism or differing beliefs from their own or they’ll feel attacked, have this tendency to victimize themselves in nearly every situation, and express jealousies and criticisms of those they feel inferior to. Oh and they usually like to have the last word
Dear God! This is my daughter. In my situation my husband is a narcissist. Been trapped for 30 years. I never knew what narcissism was until a few years ago. Never understood that my now 22 year old daughter is one too. I'm so fucked....and being an empath these vampires have stolen my life.
@@wheetypeedy actually many do say they sorry but they don't mean it. There are narcissist that can cry real years while saying sorry but don't even mean it and plotting to treat your even worse.
Ugh this is so triggering to hear as a daughter of a narcissist because I can just imagine her watching this and thinking "see i knew it was my daughter that was the problem this whole time." I know this is legitimate information but a narcissistic parent could so easily turn this around on the child by saying "you are always yelling and crying you are so emotional you are clearly narcissistic" or when the narc parent truly plays favorites with the kids and being like "see no i'm not you are just a narcassist that always wants attention." Same goes with needing approval in school and at home. The only thing i was EVER recognized for was being smart. (Aka never just good enough as i was or a good person, etc.) so i craved external validation particularly in school because i believed it was the only way to be worth something.
I agree... My parent thinks I'm the problem too and thinks I have unreasonable traits. I know she thinks I'm ungrateful and cruel. She hopes if she prays for me I'll come around one day to forgive her and trauma bond to her like she did with her mom. Edited to confirm that she has now said all these things herself. Peace out toxic mommies!
Oh, yep, all my life I was told I was so disagreeable, while doing everything my mother told me to do serving her etc. Being total pushover with no self - esteem (I was told I think I am a queen while I was questioning my right to live my life). I think narcissistic parents keep specialists delusional. Of course they will say "no no we dont beat her, no, maybe couple times, she's got everything". Yep. Everything apart from dignity, sense of reality, right for separation.
I feel I have created a narcissistic daughter. I never wanted to repeat what my narcissistic mother did to me…I feel I overcompensated as a single parent by not making her do housework, always being there whenever she needed me regardless of my needs even into her adulthood, putting her first before myself, providing her things like a new Jeep for graduation without a thank you or appreciation, always there to listen even when she showed no care or concern for my needs all resulting in a sense of entitlement. She is jealous of me, critical, and very unkind. I failed as a parent and am responsible for her narcissism. She is 39 and I have told her I matter, too. I love you, but your behavior is not okay. Haven’t heard from her in weeks. It’s hard, but I can’t let the abuse continue any longer. It hurts too much and I can no longer keep making excuses and overlooking her bad behavior.
... so much is said about child abuse .. which is real and tragic ...but nothing is ever said about parent abuse, where the child abuses the parents. It is also very real and tragic.
@@briannab5296 To these days culture is always in favour of parents. It's normalized to kill your children in mythology and literature, movies, but it's never portrayed as normal to kill your parents.
My daughter cried when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and had been hit head on in a car accident, I said it’s going to be okay her response was “ No it’s not. Why couldn’t you just die so it’d be just be me and dad. You always ruin everything.” The nurse told her “Get. Out. NOW.” It only got worse. She was 12 at that time.
Oh my, this is like reading the world’s shortest horror story. I don’t know what makes people so cold and uncommitted to their families, but internet psychology gurus are screaming with intolerance. All we hear is cut off, cut off …. No empathy, no other side of the story, no recognition that everyone has their share of suffering. It’s all about me, me, me. The family order is broken and the youngsters don’t care about respect for their elders. If there aren’t any true emotions, good manners and respect should makeup for it. Kids today know little about the family history, struggles as well as funny things. When I was little, we listened to grandparents stories of survival, to family friends, neighbors. It seems to o me that all people talk about today at dinner table is money and more money and who has the cleverest way of making lots of money. I see a very lonely world out there. I am worrying about getting old as I can see the malice entering my family too. Once, my family bursted with energy, songs, storytelling laughter, fights too (part of normal life), but the younger generation is bringing gloom, irritable hypersensitivity, impatients and the whole general lack of feeling like we belong to each other and should navigate through life by taking care of each other.
Am so sorry poor, dear mother. Take heart in knowing there can be a strong genetic factor. As far as nurture goes, they say bad treatment can also make a narcicisst as well as good treatment. Who knows? So many of us our hurting over this. I think this was mentioned in the bible and explained as a lack of love in the last days. Pls turn to Jesus for comfort. He can help you know you did the best you could and make up the difference wher we fell short with our kids. I am seeing I must start praying regularly for my kids. I hope you will too. Be happy.
Oh I have two friends whose sons said similar things to them . I do believe there is something missing in their brains. One is getting a bit better but the other is still estranged.
My mother was a narcissist. She was emotional distant, cold, jealous, mean, self centered. I remember begging my father to get a divorce, nope he took those wedding vows seriously, she made everyone miserable! She got worse as she aged. She died this last Feb. not one of her three daughters shed a tear. She left behind 3 messed up daughters and two granddaughters even more messed up . In the end she turned on everyone, she made everybody's life a living hell and died alone. Statistics show narcissist very rarely ever change.
This was enlightening and deeply sad for me at the same time. Our daughter has all 10 of these traits. We have been estranged from her for 16 months. She has hurt us so much and we just can’t trust her any longer.
@@diana-rq2vr I am getting to the point to stop interactions for the third and final time with my daughter. My heart breaks because of my 3 year old grandson.
I too have been estranged from my youngest daughter for the most part for over a year. Sadly I feel relief as much as anything else. Our daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD and more recently bipolar. She has 4 children which she neglects and both she and her poorly employed, and very lazy husband loves to play video games and watch sports on tv. He checks out on a regular basis. She has stolen from us allowed her husband to steal from us by using our credit cards when we were only allowing her to use a card for groceries or gas to get to work. She has used a credit card and charged by obtaining my CC info and using it only to realize that I would discover it later. We can not let her have a key to the home because she simply cannot be trusted. She has an alcohol in spite of being an RN and he just has an aversion to real work at anytime. Everytime she might be getting on her feet she would get pregnant again. This always set them back be cause she had Terrible pregnancies and c section births. She is a nurse so we have to think she understands basic biology. They weren't prepared for #1 much less 2,3, and 4. They have a house only because his grandmother literally bought them one that the have essentially destroyed through clutter and fighting. He likes to punch walls and door yet cant fix anything. We worry about the kids and love them but we all dread the two adults. We would love to provide sanctuary for the kids and have done that many many times but my health is failing and I can barely walk alone now . My daughter fits every single one of these deals but then so does her husband. My son just call him a Big DUD. He is not like by our other three children and sadly our daughter is being ignored because of their lifestyle and just irresponsible attitude to parenting. None of the 3 older children want their children around them. It is the biggest disappointment of my life. I truly understand your pain. I feel terrible that you only have l child. I will tell you that this narcissitic daughter of ours constantly has issues and causes issues with the rest of our family. She is quite a liar but she has done a lot of damage before she has finally been exposed as stirring up trouble. Much of it was because we weren't revealing her stories so there was a lot of pain caused by keeping secrets from the other. I was very guilty of covering for her to avoid family squabbles which only made things worse. That was my biggest error. Trust lines have been crossed and it will take time to repair. So painful.
I well understand, Vickie, and you're not alone. I go through the same with my only child, my 34yo daughter. I LOVE her with everything in me, yet I can often hardly tolerate her. She's been an abusive bully since her early teens (I assume because it's worked for her?) I could write a book, but no one would believe it - unless they see it. According to her, "I" never do anything right, while she is always correct. All my decisions are poor ones (or "crackhead" ones because I take minimal legal prescription meds for injuries and pain after 10 back surgeries.) "I'm" a stupid, unsuccessful loser (though I managed 20 years in the military,) while she is a money-earning "professional" (
You hit the nail on the head with the attractiveness and “jealousy”.. when you do nothing but support her and help to build her esteem it’s truly disgusting
I totally agree with you. I always looked after supported complimented my daughter. Now she compares herself with me and constantly refers to wrinkles on my face or my weight or my height (I am 1.50cm she is 1.70 cm). She is also jealous so when I get dressed to go out with her dad, she always comments negatively and always picks on how the dress is too short or too long or tight or loose basically anything which will make me upset and make her happy. It is sad. I wish I could go back 15 years, I would behave differently. I spoilt her too much, or she copies her narcissistic father's behaviour. I do not know which one.
Omg, I am flabbergasted! My gorgeous daughter once told me that she wondered if I was jealous. I was shocked! Didnt she know that I adored her? She had to by all the support and ass kissing I did! Never in a million years could I be jealous of my "baby girl"! Now, 20 yrs later, I realizes she has the same narcissistic traits as her dad! Her dad and his family all have narcissistic tendencies. What's funny is, when I married him 40 yrs ago, I thought they were "very into themselves"! I'd never known what a narcissist was! Now I know and I see it in my daughter and it breaks my heart 😥
@@barbhayes126 "Very into themselves"yup that's called self centeredness, a major indicator of narcs. Dated someone's narc daughter. We all hurt by them
@@jinakurd1726 omg my 24 year old cousin is like this. She picks on her mom and her looks and what she wears constantly. Once i showed her some new shorts i bought and later i learned she told the whole family what size i wore.
@@barbhayes126 She was always my "Baby Girl". I realize now she was competing with me. She was in 5th grade and competing in academics. She was the best. All kinds of trophys and governors medals. 8th grade acedemics end of year awards night, she got everything. Till someone decided it would be fun for the parents to compete with the children. Like are you smarter than a 5th grader adage. 8th grader at this point. I got pushed up to play, along with a Math teacher, and an architect, Pretty sure they have more intellect than I do. not so much. Didnt know what game held a Knight and pawn. ZING-- Chess. What were the bones in the inner ear called before they were renamed---Zing--hammer anvil and Sturrup. What is the medical term for ear wax? Zing-Cerumen. The math teacher couldnt answer the math questions, but I could. My team leader, the architect would see that I had the answer. Parents won that night. I tried to explain that the parents had college degrees. She was graduating 8th grade. She hated me cause she didnt win.
My 18 year old daughter recently told me that she doesn't even like me and she can't stand being around me the only reason she's here is because she has nowhere else to go. I started her in counseling at a fairly young age for self-harming and disobedience for what I thought was a mental issue but I think I'm just realizing that this is possibly what it's been all along.😢 It's tough and I pray for all families going through this situation 🙏
Sadly this is probably becoming an epidemic because of the distortions in living experience brought about by social media. The other extreme is also on the increase, girls having poor body image, eating disorders, low self worth etc. It’s a strange world to bring kids into, thank you Dr Grande, thankfully there are some worthwhile mental health professionals educating people 👍
I agree that social media plays a huge role in this and also western culture as a whole. If the parents were genuinely good parents then I think the influences of western culture, social media, friends, extended family etc could have contributed to the child's malignant behavior and personality. It's hard for me to believe that a child can be born like this and the environment have zero affect on the child and how they developed. We are a product of both nature and nurture so I think saying it's completely one or the other is too black and white for the complexities of the human mind.
I agree with Monica Cruz my girls especially the older one is always comparing herself to other girls. Always thinking they are prettier have perfect teeth jawline etc. This is due to social Media. It can make some girls so superficial that they strictly reley on there looks or how many thumbs up they get. On the opposite it can make girls obsessed because of poor body image. The view of themselves completely unrealistic
@@mysticalvibe4241 I do not disagree with you but my teen years were in the 60's. As early as 10-12 years old in mid fifties I was influenced by magazines, especially Seventeen which i had at 13. Movies. TV, the magazines marketed to older teens. The influences have always been there. Oh and what girl of that generation wasn't influenced by miss America, miss universe, Jr miss America, miss teen america. The influences are just more easily accessible with social media. More interactive and more quickly responded to. Where it used to be limited to the number of kids in our schools. In our hometowns.
Unfortunately, I´ve been plagued with the issue of having an only daughter who is miserably narcissistic, to the extent that I can´t tolerate her. It is extremely painful, I don´t wish it on anyone.
@@gigiweakley5198 all young kids are manipulative. If you looked at your young child and thought coldhearted and evil then you're probably the reason they turned out the way they did.
I also have just the one daughter..which I guess is why I have tolerated so much of her abuse to me. She is 45 and has always been narcissistic but with me she is abusive physically and emotionally. I realize I have to cut her out of my life to safe my life because her silent treatments and abuse are slowly killing me. It is hard with just the one child...you so want to have a loving relationship with them and it takes so much courage to let them go knowing you will never have that love with them. Bless you.
Dr. Grande, I’m currently getting my doctorate in behavior analysis and I must say I recommend your videos to all of peers at Western Michigan University. Thank you for your insights and for sharing!
Samuel Migala Do you teach, or plan on teaching, and will you use the videos with your classes? If behavior analysis was my area, I would. I’m in Sociology & still find them fascinating.
Samuel Migala: I commend you for studying behavioral analysis and are in the process of obtaining your doctorate. Although I am not a licensed professional, psychology has always been a huge interest of mine and wanted to let you know that I think Dr. Grande will be a huge influence in your future endeavors. This video about narcissistic daughters is real and I hope that you are able to effectively treat any future clients who are suffering with this sensitive and heartbreaking issue. Since behavioral health is not favored with my medical insurance coverage, it is nearly impossible to find any professional therapist who is remotely trained or educated on this matter. I live in the West and have sought therapists high and low, as well as seek any type of groups who can assist me with the heartbreak I feel on a daily basis. There's nothing.
@@LauraVee63 i do hope you found help. I binge watched videos, now a year this month since the discard I found a counselor at Better Help 3 months ago and it's really been a blessing I can see light in the distance. All the best to you.
You have described my daughter perfectly. She is a triplet and has 5 siblings. I have 6 children born between 1990 and 1995, 5 years apart. She has destroyed not only our relationship, but the relationship between her siblings. My other 5 children are best friends . I’m fortunate to have my other 5 children which means to me that I fulfilled my job of a parent and I have no regrets. We all miss the little girl we saw grow up.
Always hold onto your own boundaries for self respect and dignity. It is excruciating to let go when my bottom line is often crossed. She can get her narcissistic supply elsewhere and not from me.
This fits my 25 y/o daughter completely. She is always achieving,.. Buying a home, going to medical school (worked in a nursing home) becoming a famous singer (auditioned for American Idol twice), going to "law school" (wants to be a paralegal). Was supposed to be maid if honor at her sisters wedding in September (Decided to get married herself in December) 😑 Got angry when her dad and I could only afford one wedding within 3 months. Planned her quickie wedding 4 states away and there was no way we could go with that short of notice. Now hates us. Telling grandiose tales on Facebook daily.
I was a miserable child of a narcissist mother, and could detail a lot of experiences such as those you mention in this video. However, it is important to remember that not all of us wind up in therapy, and when you see people in a clinical setting, they may be just the tip of the iceberg. There have been many disappointments and dysfunctions in my life, but as I was growing up there were also a few good people who said and did things that helped me more than they might ever have imagined. I was touched by kindness and tried to model myself more like the loving mothers of some of my friends, who I saw showing uncomplicated affection and interest in them. When I was eight my mother got a full time job, and that was the best thing she ever did for me - many peaceful hours a week without her constant badgering and criticism. She was also extremely histrionic. The tension in a room would rise just by her presence, even commented on by people who would not see the full picture. Stress in childhood can leave lifelong scars and can lead to bad choices that result in more stress. My mother's childhood was probably much worse than mine. The ramifications are vast, but some of us get lucky and overcome much of the damage, at least to the extent of being able to lead peaceful, relatively uncomplicated lives, though probably anyone who lived like that as a child has lost a great deal in unrealized potential.
OMG, I believe you have met my daughter! This is the most realistic portrayal I have found, and I have been reading and researching for some time. Thank you, Dr. Grande!
It took me about 30 years to figure out that my daughter is a narcissist. This list describes her exactly and will help me to explain to my other children what is going on with their sister. I have had to cut ties with her because the abuse was ongoing and kept me on an emotional roller coaster.Thank you for summing this up. Love the video. Maybe not the content. but the way it was presented. 😉
My 61 year old daughter mentally abused me. I did not understand why I am afraid when she visits us. I told my husband why I am anxious and unpleasant to him. He took me to doctor for pills to get my anxiety. I find its hard hard to talk to her especially in the phone. It always finance or complaints and blames. I suffer this abuse since she was 12 years. I found out recently. and do a lot of research. I am healing as I keep away from her. I am 85 and I need to take care myself as I worked hard.
My goodness. This is powerful. You know, I have watched many of Dr. Grande's videos, and they all help me to disconnect from the effects of these personality disorders. As a burned out spiritual counselor, I realize that I could have really used this information a decade ago!
What pushed me over the edge was that I became suicidal. At some point, it's okay to save yourself. I decided not to allow my daughter to kill me, basically. I also focus on my remaining children, who are not like her at all. I realized I was shortchanging them by focusing on the child causing pain and drama. Maybe that was my narc daughter's intent. I have turned my focus to my other (adult) children and we are doing much, much better. Surely there are others who need your ability to love and care and won't turn it into perpetual miserable accusations of poor parenting. Keep loving, but direct it elsewhere. The world needs it.
Dr. Grande I would so appreciate you doing a segment on adult children alienation from their parents, most of the time unwilling to even give a reason why. This is heartbreaking for parents and seems to be quite prevalent these days.
Thank you. You described my younger sister perfectly. She estranged herself from the family when my father died 2 years ago. He was Her supply. My parents were married 57 years. There are 3 of us children and we had a loving home. And we were all treated equally. She started showing signs at 12-14 years and it has been a nightmare every since. I appreciate you describing her to a T. It allows my mom and my older sister and me to heal without guilt. R/ Sharon
You are lucky that "normal" is the majority in your household. It was exactly the opposite in mine. My long deceased paternal grandparents and myself are the only "normal" people in that narc infested family, run by a covert narc "Queen" (mother) and her flying monkeys and minions (aka cult). I had to go No Contact 5 years ago, completely getting screwed out of my inheritance in order to keep my sanity and avoid being destitute or dead.
Your belief that "we were all treated equally" is highly narcissistic. Sounds like trauma. Narcissistic families always have a scapegoat.. sounds like she is yours.
@@muirgirl In my family we have a person like that, everyone hates on him and well he doesn't a lot of dumb and bad things though they have always treated him that way. For me I've tried to help him in the past however I got to the point where I had to just stop, things got really unhealthy for him.
I often have wondered what will happen when my ex husband passes. Who will she turn to. She has pushed the rest of us 1 sister and 2 brothers, a nephew and a 2 month old niece she has seen for 15 mintues.
My husband and I are blessed with 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren. Our oldest kids are totally fine, and we enjoy a lovely relationship with each of them and the grandchildren. However, our youngest daughter was diagnosed with adhd at age 12. As a teen she was extremely disrespectful to me, her mom. In her late 20’s she began to exhibit aberrant behaviors, eventually leading to a breakup with her long time boyfriend, loss of her job, and the loss of every single friend. She has also lost her relationship with her siblings constantly being verbally abusive. At this time, our daughter is 38. She cannot or will not keep a job. Most times she will procure a job, and then never begin it saying that the people are “ weird”, or somehow beneath her. She has a four year old son. We are taking care of our grandson so that he can have a roof, food, and a normal life. Which means we have to have our daughter in our home also. Our lives are a living hell, as every single day we are under attack. We have tried numerous psychiatrists, counselors and psychologists to no avail. She is diagnosed with BPD, but I see narcissistic symptoms too. I hope anyone out there going through similar situations can get the help they need. We see no way out of this. If we kick her out, the grandchild goes with her. We cannot put him in danger. Thanks Dr. grande for your. Idea. It helps to know we aren’t the only people going thru something like this.
I am a 55f who was severely emotionally abused by my covert narc mother & sister, and some of these signs also sound like things a scapegoat with Borderline Personality Disorder might exhibit due to fear of abandonment or a desperate need to be seen and validated.
Exactly and my classic narc mother sent this to me even though she created all the animosity shes the parent and is now facing the consequences of her actions.
I found it quite telling that a lot of mothers in the comments of this video blamed everything on their daughters. While we all have our own personalities and temperaments, narcissistic traits are very often learned behaviors. If the mother wasn't the narcissist (very possible), it was probably another adult in the family. For example, my stepfather loves to complain that we children, even his own biological children (also now adults) are narcissists... because we don't want to see him or speak to him. That's not the case at all. We're now adults who are capable of deciding that we're done putting up with his bullshit. The only one of his children who is interested in playing the narcissistic abuse game is my sister, who was his "golden child" when we were growing up. Guess which one of my siblings also most blatantly displays narcissistic traits? Yep, that very same sister. We couldn't escape his behavior as children, but as adults? We have opted to not engage. We're just not willing to subject our families to his abuse. Because he can't do his usual, abusive behaviors, he acts out and complains to anyone who will listen. Some people feel badly for him. If they stick around long enough? They start to see the narcissistic cycle with him, get sick of it, and leave.
I felt like I had a narcissistic mother and had been looking into it, but then I saw this video and thought "I better just check" and make sure I'm not the problem. Thankfully, my resentment and anger may be the problem, but thankfully being a narcissistic daughter isn't one of them 😅
Interesting! I'm the parent in the situation and have had similar thoughts! However, my conclusion is that the fact that you and I both were willing to ask that question shows we're not. A narcissist wouldn't even consider the possibility.
@@Kristy_not_KristineI do not believe that to be true. I think they can look up narcissism, and ask if they themselves are narcissistic. But, the defining behaviour is that they either can not refine their thoughts, emotions and behaviour regardless of information they receive. And remember, there's a spectrum. You can only have an idea what area of the spectrum you are dealing with by the behaviour. Some will be fixed in that state, some others go through phases and others overcome but, through my observation and studies narcissism permeates throughtout society and is the essence of the current and dominant social paradigm. I could go on but maybe I've said enough. The last thing I'll say is many speak of it and yet many have no idea what they are speaking about. It's much deeper than society are led to believe and is essential for this current social paradigm to exist, thrive and advance. It also why they CAN NEVER be truthful about their assessments and truly tackle the issue while being transparent. It even goes into neurological conditions and the chemical- imbalance in the brain, deficiencies and dead nerves in the brain's nervous system, along with calcified pineals glands and the neurological conditions (pathologies) created from that. Then you realise how much institutions exploit society and actually incalcute mental illness into people. You actually feel sorry for humanity the more you study and have true realisations. The irony is it makes you love humanity more because you realise they are amazing creations that have no idea how amazing they are, and are abused because too many do not know, the most narcissistic of humanity make their duty to keep them immersed in ignorance.
Thank you for addressing this issue. So much is written and talked about with being in romantic relationships, marriage, etc and very little is mentioned about seeing a narc as a child. Now that brain scans reveal a narc's brain looks differently than a non narc, it has given me a little relief from all the years of guilt of having a narc daughter. I hope other parents can find some comfort that this is not their fault and can get some help to move on with their lives, with or without the narc.
Wow. I did not know tests today show the brain looks different. I wish they were able to do this years ago, it would have saved me from having my life and marriage destroyed . I am so sorry Jan that you went through the pain I went through. No one in my whole family was like her. It was so painful, because I had no one to compare it to. I loved my Mom with all my heart just as she loved me. Then, to raise a child, teenager and have a grown up daughter, hate you and hurt you every way possible, was so so painful. For years and years, doctors and doctors, I was not given the answer as to what was wrong with her. I am so glad that today people can find out much sooner then I did what is wrong so it can save them from so much damage in their life.
Jan T, brain scans of people with Bipolar disorder are also different. Many of which have gone through emotional child abuse. Finally this is proof the abuse is real. For years my parents denied emotional abuse even existed, and to be abused a child had to be covered with black & blue bruises.
@@cathygray9092 I worry about my grandson who she uses as a pawn with me. I have to admit I will take whatever I get to spend time with him. We have a beautiful relationship. This last outburst that she had and kept cancelling days for me to take my grandson really has affected him. I took him out for breakfast this morning and when I dropped him off at the door.. I saw the hurt and confusion in his eyes- he wanted me to stay. So sad
@@maryfarrell9439 it’s a study and you you would have to see a psychotherapist to arrange. If found you shall be guilty as parents as you will need to look into the root cause of how you’ve damaged the brain. Adults are a whole problem simple.
Dr., I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video in particular. My husband of 26 years has a daughter who is 37 and literally displays every sign you describe here for high-trait grandiose narcissism. She is gorgeous, a Hollywood stuntwoman and was once his pride and joy. She has hurt him so irrevocably in the past year, and it was all over the fact that my husband finally said “no more money.” This is a woman who owns two homes and makes well into six figures. She has never had a romantic relationship last longer than three months, and again, she is stunning. She must have the best of everything, and feels entitled to more. That’s one of many of the signs you described here...long story short, I sent this to him and it was a great comfort. I can see already that a weight has been lifted off him...he knows this wasn’t because he divorced their mom. He knows now that HE isn’t why she “needs therapy” as she says. Just..thank you. You made a difference in my family, and I think it’s important to tell people when they do good things. 🙏🏼❤️
Everything you’ve said is absolutely right, but I need to add one more thing that they lies for anything which makes them look bad!! I have 26 year old married daughter, she does have all these traits but I still love her. Seeing her like this is painful for me, I started to blame myself that maybe I love more my son! But when I look back in the past I did more for her than my son. My son is 30 year old, and I think she’ll do anything to ruin his relationship with his wife. May god help these kind of people 🙏 they take all the good energy out from you..it’s mentally tiring and exhausted for us. Please give us some advice:)
Talt..this behavior is simply EVIL. It needs to be called out for what it's. Instead of feeling bad for her, compassion should be focused on those she knowingly harms.
This video was very helpful to put a bunch of behaviors together; behaviors that were really specific. For most of my life I was baffled and disturbed by my sister’s behavior and it’s a relief to know that they fit a concrete framework. I feel sad for my sister for who she is and the struggles she has but I’m relieved to have no contact with her and I am ok with not having any contact for the next decade or more.
Thank you so much for this video. I did the best I could raising my daughter in a loving consistent manner. However, her father/ my husband is a highly intelligent covert narc, but I did not realize his narcissism until late. They now triangulate me, which is painful but something I’ve come to accept. Her dad was dismissive and rather cold to me; and this is now her behavior toward me. I was raised in a 7 person family by 2 narcissists, so that formed my tolerance for narcissistic behavior. Of the 5 siblings, only 1 brother and I did not become narcissists, and he married an extremely abusive woman, one of the most overt examples of narcissism I've ever witnessed. It’s all very sad to see this is the outcome of the people who should mean the most to me. Again, thank you so very much
That sounds rough so I am sorry you went through that. We were involved in a group where one of the families was run by a Narcissistic Mother (Nasty Bitch) and her generally nice husband (quiet man). Their eldest daughter was my friend until age 12 where suddenly she would be cold and ignore me at events. Next time she would be fine again, expecting me to pretend she hadn’t been rude. That evolved into her becoming very nasty like her mom. She accused me of things. Her mom accused me of things. Their goal seemed to be to try and publicly humiliate me in front of others. I was still under age 19 when last they went after me. I realized that it was because I was competing for top spot against her precious. I never wanted top spot but was good and was expected to compete and do my best. After that I ignored them. She went off to compete Nationally and did win one spot. Now she had a nice brother and sister. Always were less than the golden child to the mom! It was crazy! The brother’s girlfriend told me she had faked her way to win but then was nasty mean to all the competitors after winning and shocked everyone with her aggressive and nasty behavior. We bonded over her nastiness-LOL! Later she came back to my area and was given a job in the org I now worked in. She accused me of having an affair with my friend. I quickly Isolated and questioned the 4 people she had actually told and she had told each a totally different story but in each story I was sleeping with this married man (whose wife was also my friend). So now anytime someone told me they heard this gossip I outed her deviousness. She was acting entitled at work, not showing up for days on end and claiming other people’s work as her own, etc, etc so she got fired-LOL! She had by now pissed off half of the people in the whole area so she had to move cross country. Her mom kinda disappeared after so many bad mouthed her daughter justly. She just came up on my “suggested” list on facebook! LOL! Most of my friends in this culture I also have 50-80 mutual friends with, but it said mutuals 17-I died laughing. She made her own bed with her bad behavior and no one I know really wants to even be facebook friends? LOL! I guarantee you those 17 we have in common either don’t really know her or are willing victims to line up and take her abuse. Her brother and sister do not speak to her either in general, and avoid her company whenever they can! Once I dreamed I was attacking her in a restroom and that actually made me feel better because it gave me my power back over her and her mom mentally! I had always felt like a whipped dog around them always still seeking their approval! I don’t want their approval any more. I know I am a nice person and if someone doesn’t like me then it means THEY have a problem-not me.
So similar to my story..30years with my narcissist husband and a grown daughter sooo mean and hateful....very sweet in public heading away from these people...but hard to let go of my love for my daughter..hoping she will return it some day
I know you pain. I have the same situation. My boys are in tune to it all and do not tolerate it and have spoken to both of them. My ex will still invite them to events and leave me out - but the boys are attending less and less.
Thank you for this video! Raising my daughter has been a difficult and painful process of getting my heart broken over and over. I've reached a point where I know that she will reel me in by being nice and then reject me again. Now I know to leave some boundaries for my mental health and not to be fooled by temporary behavior
I know you are an evidence based practitioner and trauma is still not well studied, but I feel like you really left out the role of trauma and attachment in these behaviors and ways to help a younger daughter recover who is dealing with these issues.
I agree. I did a lot of these things however I was severely abused and have BPD. My mother has also played favourites my entire life and left me to my own devices. Trauma needs to be recognised in these situations.
Keep your distance as much as possible. Just because you gave birth to them to them doesn't mean you have any obligation towards them. If you had friends who treat you bad you get rid of them, you have to do the same with children. Your job was to raise them and let them go out into the world and make something of themselves, no one deserves to be abused. Learn to stand up for yourself have self respect and 0 tolerance of Narcissism or better still walk away from it. There is no cure.
I have 5 kids, 2 stepdaughters and 3 adopted kids. All 5 have VERY high level narcissism and one has Antisocial Personality Disorder. It's been the most painful experience of my life. Feeling and knowing that you have zero worth to your kids, when you raised them in a wonderful, loving home...is painful beyond words. It's hard to get up in the morning when you feel so worthless to the ones you put all your love and energy into
@@tld7846 Ok, Mathematical probability might have something different to say about that. If everyone around you is crazy then are they really crazy or do you need to rethink yourself?
I'm soooo glad my 16 year old is outgrowing her narcissistic traits. I was extremely worried for a while. Still a little concerned but she's been showing empathy and concern for me lately. That is huge!
Just make sure it's authentic and not dark empathy. I thought the same with my 16 year old because she got something from me. Then at 17 going on 18 she turned on me and cut me off.
I battled with my daughter 15 years. She’s definitely trying to be a better daughter and I’m trying to be a better mom but I’m not sure we’re going to make it.
@@shellh.5193 it is false empathy to manipulate. Mine woukd tell me I'm the best mom in the world and now she cut me off as soon as she left home. Discarded me like trash when I told her I'm no longer supporting her because her dad is responsible for college per our divorce decree
Narcissistic Parental Alienation...it started when my children were very young. After 25 years of marriage my narc husbnd and I divorced. He now has my 4 children and 5 grandchildren. My childten hate me...I am not alowed to see my grandchildren. Unbelievable pain!
As a mother of a 38 year narcissistic daughter almost all the traits you described apply to her. It’s been very difficult to deal with her behavior for the past 28 years. Luckily I have a great psychologist to help me deal with her and narcissistic father.
I have had trouble finding therapist that really understand narcissistic people because there is so little data. They are never at fault, why would they go to therapy and even if they did they would lie because there is nothing wrong with them.
Right there with you and it sucks.. Father was the abuser and I'm the scapegoat as I am 10 years younger than him and seen/treated as another child...despite being a mother to 5 and almost 40 🙄
I recognize myself in the many of examples of narcissistic daughter from this video. Despite that from my perspective my reactions were reasonable to that situations . I was frustrated child whose needs were ignored. I saw that different attitude toward my brother and me. He would get want he wanted while I would't. If I was forced to clean my room I would argue that their room as much as the rest of the house is absolute mess, I would see it as double standards and unfair treatment. My extended family is closer to me and I have much better relationships with my mother in low. I don't think if I have my own children I would let my parents to spend time with them as yes I think that my parents treated me badly. I can be cruel toward parents sometimes (even now I am barely communicate with them) and it's reflection of what I got from them... even nearly a revenge. It was a lot of emotional abuse, physical abuse and threats of physical abuse, a lot of neglect. But I won't surprise if my parents think that they are good parents after all. I don't know if I am narcissistic or not but I don't believe narcissistic kids happen in healthy family's.
Tatiana McGarry Left home when i was 14 years old. The eldest among 9 siblings! I wanted to not connect with them because of my disgust towards my mother from exposing me and my siblings to emotional and mental abuse! Childhood trauma and abuse cannot be erased. All we can do is forgive our parents which i did but haven't told told my mother that i have forgiven her. She is an OVErt Narcissist! Should i tell her that i have forgiven her?...i worry because it might open a can of worms of her misbehavior which she ( mother is now 83 y/o but still lucid and aware) thought i was not aware of. If i do this i might think that i am Narcissistic because im too focused on my experience growing up. Think 7-14 yrs old
I felt the same as you, even now I feel a difference between the way my parents treat my little sister and me. Thank God my relationship with her is very good, but while I was little I felt a lot of envy towards her :( . I had 2 boyfriends and both their mothers seem to be more happy to see me than my mother ever was, with respect of the effort they put in the relation, the kind way they speak with me. I might have been a narcissistic child and teenager, but now that I grown I feel that I react differently towards my parents(their attitude is worse: try to control me although I am a normal adult and get very angry when I don't do what they want - even for little insignificant things). I am less angry, I expect less from them, I know the situation won't get better. I try to understand that my parents were also neglected as children. So the abuse was just passed from a generation to another. Take care of yourself, try to get rid of the anger in your heart and try to be happy. It is what it is
iuliqt Very good advice in your last sentences. Get rid of the anger in your heart, it will eat you alive. Trying to figure it all out can drive you crazy. It is what it is. So true. It’s like a complicated web.
These signs of narcissism are specific to a daughter raised in a healthy home by healthy parents. Absent those circumstances, Dr Grande said it could be an indication of any number of things. If you’re worried that you’re a narcissist because you don’t want to hurt the people close to you, then you’re not one because narcissists literally have no empathy.
Good info. A book that helped me cope with the rejection of my daughter is called Done with the Crying, by Sheri McGregor. The unreasonable demands, false accusations and punishing contempt, no matter how hard you try, and their glee in your pain, are confusing and devastating. My daughter was corrupted from a young age by my covert narcissistic mother who made a golden child of her, favouring her highly above her sisters with gifts, praise and overseas trips that none of the others received. I was the scapegoat and didn't know what was going on.
A lot of what you say sounds like my adult daughter. I've had to move 3 states away and start my life over from scratch after she threw me out of what was supposed to be my forever home, at 73. I've regained my feet, and I'm getting my life together. Gone total no contact. Turned down calls from the flying monkeys. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Having a little dog helps. May God bless us all through this time of life. ❤
@@TreasureDeal how painful. Peace and courage to you. Yes, as you say, we need God’s help and He can give it! Yeshua/Jesus has been my Strength and Shield. The Bible has a lot to say about narcissistic behaviour, in Proverbs, and in Yeshua’s responses to bullies (sometimes replying, sometimes staying silent, sometimes leaving, praying for them but not trusting them). Do you watch Dr Les Carter’s videos? He’s a great teacher. Sounds as though you have good personal boundaries, but I learned a lot from Lisa Terkeurst’s book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. I hope you have some people who know you and love you, as well as your dear dog.
I was always so focused on the fact that my father matches to most of a narcissist’s behaviours, I never considered that I could be a narcissist… Now I’m starting to realise I match 90% of these traits. Dr. Grande, thank you for the insight, it certainly made me thinking.
I recall a red flag for family narcissism: I am the scapegoat who left home very early and later was invited to visit my parents and sister for a couple of days I was in my mid 20’s. I noticed something yet I did not yet know about narcissism. My mother had a living room furniture set and I said “Mom? I had no idea that you liked Southwest Style” (I knew she liked simple Scandinavian Style). She replied to my amazement that my sister and father had went out and purchased the furniture. It never occurred to my sister (3 years younger then me) or my father to take to take Mom shopping or to ask the lady of the house about her furniture preferences. My sweet mom said she was ok with the new furnishings. I was shocked that my dad and sister were oblivious to Mom and her furniture preferences. I dropped the subject and never spoke of it until now.
It seems to me like you are mostly focusing on a narcissistic daughter as a product of a home where any sort of grudge or resentment towards the parents is unfounded. However, with my experience and knowledge with narcissism, often there is a history of abuse or disordered personality in the home and family. How can one separate an individual who is narcissistic due to genuine trauma because there was a narcissistic parent or dysfunctional family system from an individual who is a pure narcissist and became that way on their own?
Yes, I was a little confused there, too. My assumption has always been that it takes narcissistic parents to "create" a narcissistic child, and that capable, conscientious parents are usually rewarded with healthy- minded children.
SHAELA IZQUIERDO: Based on your comment, it must truly be confusing for you to understand.... however, my daughter was born narcissistic and never treated me with kindness. Ever. Period. Dr. Grande exactly explains with precision how her behavior truly was and still is to this day. Year after year, I thought she would change. Close friends and family would make comments such as, "why does she think she's so entitled," and also would ask her directly as to how she could talk to her mother in that manner. I defended her behavior over and over again. She was never abused and I am not a product of an abusive family. I taught her to be kind, say please and thank you. My heart breaks to this day as to how many years I remained hopeful...each and every year brought more and more heartbreak. Although you don't know me personally, and owe you no explanation whatsoever,, please know that my situation is more common than you would think. I didn't realize all this until about 4 years ago when she became totally estranged from me. It's been extremely emotional for me to admit to the universe the behaviors of my daughter since birth. People want to always place blame on the parents or their environment, or, as you said "genetics." I raised her the best I could with what we had and always treated her with love. She never, ever even hugged me once. I know this is hard to imagine, but it's true. And it's painful writing this. I've been researching this topic for 4 years.....SO MANY PARENTS have had the same experiences and heartbreak.
@@LauraVee63 I should have been more clear that I know that narcissism can come about even when the child is from a loving home with no abuse. I only meant to highlight that it might be hard to differentiate between those two types of narcissists (made and born) based on the signs in the video. My heart goes out to you for your situation, I can't imagine how scary and devastating it would be to have a child like that and be powerless to change their situation. Thanks for your reply.
The narcissism in my daughter has not dropped at all. I have learned to interact with her by not giving advice as she takes that as criticism. I will say somethng like "with your good intellect you can manage this". I don't believe she will change. She's never been directable. She's been like she is from an early age. I no longer blame myself.
Such a good topic to not often talked about. A parent(s) who has an ill-willed child suffers and grieves. Not much support out here or online. Glad for more awareness.
to have a harmonious relationship with an adult narcissistic child you really need to allow it to be one-sided & just "get along". always do thoughtful things for them & offer support but never reach out for care or support, it won't happen.
You are a very brave and patient mom. I just had to stop feeling as if I was a failure mother. My other children have been identified from others as exceptional - I will never understand. I treated them all the same.
Sarah j, I really wish someone would have told me this before, I have a chronic illness and am 1.5 yrs 3 consecutive surgeries and now handicapped and in a wheelchair due to an accident at 59 and my grown daughter is a narcissist and always has been but I still love her and expected some help, support or care from her when it didn't happen despite many promises at least 1 day a week was too much although she doesn't even work I became extremely critical to furious calling her every name in the book ( to a young woman that has only received praise for doing nothing but being pretty ) That was her perfect chance to play victim of an abusive yelling cursing father and forever abandon me, who before this has never raised my voice to her. Now i will never hear her voice, we can never just get along - shes blocked my phone and wont answer my messages please continue to give your advice Sarah - do not expect anything in return even if its your own only daughter. only blood relative you've gave everything in your life for to not expect anything back not an ounce of help or a single penny in charity because you are right it will never happen even on your death bed. they truly only know how to take and only give to get.
@@suomi5454 I know 😞 my heart is breaking because know that pain you are describing. All I can tell you is it does get better. It’s your turn, put your focus on you. Read, color in coloring books, go water the plants, take a swim class with some other ppl your age, change your diet, go play in the kitchen, practice cooking at home, it does get better.
I searched for this because my daughter is upset with me so she’s cut off contact with my young granddaughter too. As long as I come to her and help her when she needs a babysitter, buy her things she tells me she needs, or give only positive feedback, her attitude toward me is good. But, boy… step out of line and say something she doesn’t want to hear and… look out. I’m just sick with grief over the loss of my relationship with my two-year-old granddaughter.
I watched this today and it helped me so much. My 33 year old daughter has been like this since she was little. Diagnosed with ADHD at age 7, she also cut (self harm) and has trich. Every topic Dr. Grande discussed is her spot on! She continues to trample on my heart, but never is accountable. Her stunt two weeks ago was enough again. For my own health (acute stroke survivor) I need to let it go and be away from her!
Yup she disses on mom- claims my husband and then told him she hates me and wants him to leave me. She also controls her abused boyfriend. He is from an awful home, she has him wrapped around her. I pray for him and her too. That all can be brought to light to help both.
This is such an eye opener., but it makes me so sad 😭 because I am noticing some of these traits in my daughter. I am relieved but not happy , that other people have similar issues with their own daughters. I had no idea about this kind of thing because my dear mother was my best friend and I had nothing but total admiration and respect for her. I feel so discouraged .
Tragically, this is my daughter in all ten of the issues that you have mentioned. I’m in tears. I love my daughter and I have had to put defensive walls in place for self preservation. My granddaughter is now eight years old and we are very close. My daughter has now been holding her in what I call emotional blackmail. It’s tragic for both of us because my granddaughter loves me too. She will never go against her mother because she is her primary caregiver and that would be emotional suicide. I never want her to be in that position. I am worried about what will happen to her. She is a remarkable person. I’ve come to her defense on a number of occasions. Her mother called her a monster in anger and I had to intervene because she is in no way shape or form anything that resembles a monster. She is a child who has been struggling with parents that have been dysfunctional for years and finally got a divorce. They haven’t bothered to get her therapy. It’s horrible. They are abusive to each other. My daughter wanted me around for six months as she got settled in her new home. Going from one man to another. She would leave in the night to a different man every week. After six months she met someone more like her ex husband. She broke up with me around Christmas time and wanted to make up a couple months later. Of course I went alone with it, as always. She told me how wonderful he is. He cooks for her. I told her I would be cautiously optimistic about it. Doesn’t he cook for himself and his children already? Yes. Ok. Then she said tmi, but intimacy has always been gentle until he got a foot cramp, I asked him if he was ok? Instead of answering, “he took me very aggressively, it was like being assaulted”. “He apologized after, it only happened once.” This happened after being together less than two months. My daughter has been out of a 15 year marriage with a narcissist, physically, emotionally abused. Less than 6 months and she is with this man. I told her that I think she should go slow. All relationships look great when they’re new. This person has a law degree, he has a psychology degree and he is an investigative journalist. His mother is a psychologist. He collects alimony,(soon to expire, and child support), from his previous marriage. My daughter has a masters degree, she is a teacher. She owns her own house that my dad helped her purchase. She refused to listen to me. I know nothing. I’m negative when I say that I am cautiously optimistic about him. Now I can’t see or speak with my granddaughter. She has a replacement, a retired teacher. She tried to play her dad off of me and he for the first time would not allow it. She freaked out. Blaming me. It’s not me, honestly. She literally went crazy on the both of us. The crazy thing of all of this is that my daughter is in therapy. How is her therapist not seeing this? How can she not realize what is going on? I asked her to recommend us for help. My daughter said that the therapist would not refer because I would turn it all on my daughter?! What? I have taken responsibility for any and all mistakes I have made to the point that I can barely hold my head up. My husband says that I was a much better mother than I am ever giving myself credit for. My daughter is almost 38 years old. I’ve been trying to help her with everything for the past 25 years. All I want now is to move forward, find joy, love and peace in the now and future. Quit being in the past. It’s weird that whenever I have brought home movies for our granddaughter and her friends to see she shuts us down. Refusing to allow any of it to be shown. That was a loving happy home. I know that I wasn’t perfect, God knows that I have my regrets, don’t we all? I was severely abused as a child. I know that I raised her free from abuse, she knows that as well. God forbid. I spent 15 years in therapy during her childhood so I wouldn’t make any major mistakes. I tried and loved her hard. My favorite teacher was Rudyard Kiplings the Jungle Book. Thank you for your time in this. How I wish there was something that I could do.
So helpful, this video answers so many questions right down to the pitching one parent against another, to the ‘eye on the inheritance’ of the parent they think will die first, to the estrangement with the other parent, but so important is the info on how heart breaking this can be for the estranged parent who feels helpless but still holds unconditional love. Thank you. 🙏
How right you are. I have a daughter with everything you said. I have been through a lots. In her mind she is a victim. She smear campaigned about me, when no one believed her, she cut everyone off ( cousins, aunties and everyone, she has no friend). She got married with no friend and family around. She brought strangers from overseas to be part at her wedding. Put it simply she hates me because I stood up to her. She adored her late father
@@jonstein9581 my heart breaks for you. I began raising my niece at the age of two after my sister passed, she is now 17 and I have provided her a very good life on my own. Her father was in and out of her life, never wanted to raise her but constantly accused me of “stealing” his child so I definitely believe he also has NPD. My niece began getting into trouble in 1st grade until now with even being expelled twice. She never takes accountability for her actions it’s always everyone else’s fault. When I would punish her she would gaslight me saying that I hate her and I’m over-exaggerating and that I want her to be miserable. She is a pathological liar, disrespectful, sneaky, and refuses to follow rules. If I tell her she’s lazy, irresponsible, or refuses to take responsibility for her actions she literally says that I’m trying to break her down and I’m verbally abusing her. She recently began severely abusing drugs (more than marijuana). Any time she’s caught she calls me invasive even though she’s constantly disrespecting my home and lied and says she’s going to stop. I’ve been trying to get her to go to therapy since she was about 13/14 and she always refused and once she eventually realizes she has no choice she will just spend the whole session speaking about herself and how great everything is. She began working at 16 and repeatedly quits jobs due them being “rude” or “mean” but I know it’s because she doesn’t like authority. She also quit every extracurricular activity she’s done such as band and basketball due to them being “mean”. She has this one friend that she’s doing drugs hard with and has alienated her other friends that don’t do drugs. Mind you she’s 17. I gave her an ultimatum the other day and she decided to leave my home. Now she’s telling everyone that I kicked her out and I’m the sole reason that she does drugs because I made her life so terrible. She has a sister that is 1 year older that I also raised but she came with me a few years later and at the age of 10 the narcissist would tell the 11 yr old that her coming ruined her perfect life and everything is her fault. Then she would tell me that I love her sister more and treat her better anytime she would get in trouble for anything. I love her and I hope she can see her ways and make a change but I can no longer deal with her. Because she is a minor if she comes back I will allow her in but I have taken everything out of her room but the bed and her clothes. She will no longer have any privacy because she can’t be trusted and unfortunately the second she turns 18 she has to leave. Which of course she will say it’s because I hate her because I didn’t make her sister leave at 18. I wish I knew then what I know now. Try to get her into a behavioral health program and if they refuse to diagnose her insist or take her to somewhere else. Make your boundaries clear and don’t allow her to make you feel bad as if you’re a bad parent or have done something wrong. They will try to distort what happened and make you question yourself. I would also suggest limiting or even completely preventing them from being on social media as I also found this allows them to have a distorted perception of reality and fuels their false personality
My Daughter is only Narcissistic towards me, ever since her father and I divorced. The symptoms you describe are just being a teenager and usually grow out of it. But my daughter is now 41, married and with two children of her own, and she favours her father. She was not abused, and was very much loved. But I believe her Dad turned her against me since his pride was hurt because I left him.
Mine did the same. He is now deceased and I can't compete with a dead Saint. He was abusive when she was young, but weaseled his way back in and he helped alienate her. So sad.
Thank you Dr. Grande! I read most of the comments, and I would like to share some hope. I've struggled for 30 years with a narcissistic daughter, now, only recently, has she started to change for the better. It was a combination of intense work and intense prayer and fortuitous circumstances CHANGE IS HAPPENING! And CAN happen. It is an incredible relief. I just wanted to share this, it's not all negative, people can change and they do change, with love and a lot of wisdom and patience.
Thanks! Great video. I’m 34 and my oldest child is 11, with people my age I sometimes see the “it’s my time now” and the salivating over inheritance. I find this gross and shocking. I am sure it would be heartbreaking to lose a child to narcissism. We usually hear about narcissism in parents from the adult child’s perspective, but is just as likely to be in your adult kids. Moreover, one woman that I went to college with was very narcissistic. One thing was that she honestly believed that she deserved the sexiest man possible, and would tell me that she was in a relationship with young men. When I would ask the men, they would tell a different story that she was targeting/stalking them, and they didn’t want to be around her. She is a person online who is constantly accusing her parents of narcissism. It must be a difficult job when narcissistic people are so unreliable in their narrative.
I had to remove my presence from Facebook due to the purposeful misrepresentation of me by my daughter and the people she had enrolled in her evil, altered version of my mothering. She made sure I got bashed, bullied, and humiliated if I expressed anything affectionate about her or our family. Yes: They target you forever. And misrepresent. Loudly.
I am heart broken. Devastated. So much effort put to be there for her. I am divorced. Stopped dating. Stayed to be supportive to her and mother. I am so miserable. Can't be near her anymore. Deeply depressed right now. I needed to hear this today.
My partner's child (9yrs old), who will soon become my step-child, was terribly abused and then abandoned by their narcissistic mother. They have been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD from it, but their newest psych suspects BPD (which can't be diagnosed until 18 unfortunately) and I highly suspect NPD, as they meet every single marker listed and then some. I will absolutely be following this content creator from now on in addition to the many other PsyD's and MD's we follow. This content is SO VALIDATING and I just keep finding my eyes getting wider and wider with each video. Thank you for sharing this!!!
So much of what was said on this video rings true for my daughter and it kills me to say that. I love her so much, wanted her so much, wanted that mother/daughter relationship that I never had because my mother passed when I was 5. I’m not perfect, by any means...a multitude of faults. I have been so tripped up that I started researching whether I’m the narcissist. Like, I don’t know, am I? Am I truly all that I’ve been accused of and don’t know? That would make me so mentally sick. But I know on my heart, it’s not true. It’s a mental game and when it’s with one you love, would die for in a heart beat? It’s just awful.
I have the same situation with my daughter. It did not come out until her early twenties and it was as if she shut a door in my face. I lost my mom when I was 20. I have gone above and beyond and have been recognized for the great mom I have been to all of my children. It took 8 years of tears, loneliness, silence and self reflections but I know that she is not well. She has been caught in public with the way she treats me. She became more careless just recently and now my other children understand what she has put me through as her scapegoat.
I’m glad you mentioned ADHD as one of the behaviours because I know personally I am not narcissistic.. however I do remember as a kid always wanting to show my mom and a few others how I could swim or do a cart wheel etc and wanted of course for them to praise me … but that was just a need for self worth more so than needing to be better or the best at something …
Didnt many children do that at some extend. I did that too. Not a lot but sometimes. Especially because I had an older sister that was very good at drawing and everyone always looked at her.
OMG @amg8497 I nearly drowned twice trying to show off that I knew how to swim (so I was told) and remember spending hours trying to perfect my cartwheel and handstands, lol.
I did some of those things growing up but had a very dysfunctional upbringing. Lots of trauma and tragedy. Could write volumes honestly. I believe that people who examine their own behavior are generally more likely to be mentally healthy than those who don’t. That has been my observation. Like does a crazy person wonder if they’re crazy? From what I’ve seen in both my personal and professional experience most often people are not aware of their ineffective coping strategies. Which I believe is most of what dysfunctional behavior is - ineffective coping.
The first thought when I saw this video is that my mother will use it against my sisters. It has taken many years and many cruelties that she committed against various family members for me to finally realize she is a malignant narcissist, and has artfully presented others in the family as the problem. She's persuasive and very good at presenting herself as a humble, wonderful Christian mother who is only concerned about others. For a long time I believed her sad tales about others in the family, and thought she needed defending and help. I cringe now to think of the times that I tried to address the others as the problem. I'm in the process of acknowledging this to the others and apologizing for believing the stories about them. Also for not letting them know the things that she was saying so that they could defend themselves. Some of the stories that she told about them were so gross and implied sexual acts so it wasn't something that you could bring up, and she told the stories so convincingly that it was impossible not to believe that it was exactly as she had said, and that she was only innocently relaying honest observations. Especially because after relaying these supposed observations, she would then pretend to be the one defending the person. So it increased your disgust for the other person and your admiration for her. I have finally understood that she has literally no remorse, is addicted to always having an enemy and sympathizers, and will say and do anything to make others look bad and herself look good.
You just described my two elder sisters. My husband, and my therapists have all said they are narcissists. The jealously they have, all these years later, is soul crushing. One sister accused me of becoming pregnant because “You knew I was trying!” What? The other sibling is the most heinous. She kept track of everything I received from our parents and grandma, that SHE never got. (The other sister kept track of that, too, but also added up how many nice things she did for me). The nastiest is probably when I graduated from university. My dad gave me a kiss. This sister was furious, and always brought it up. “Dad gave YOU a kiss, but he never kissed me!” This sister was horrible at my wedding. I could go on, but I won’t. 😢
Dr. Grande- I've always associated narcissism with a lack of empathy that is a result of certain dynamics of parenting. I'm having a hard time reconciling that "good parenting" will precipitate the behavior you refer to. No parent is perfect, but there needs to be a role and some responsibility for the parent, and I'm eager to know how you view that.
1 I am the mother of a 33 year old narcissistic woman.. I was always a very kind sweet and supportive mother.. I was never abusive neither physical nor emotional.. My daughter seem like the perfect child up until she was 19 years old.. She married and had children and every single year she gets worse and worse she is disrespectful she is I hate to say the word but she is evil it is a very very sad situation
@@winterblossom4446 Bonnie thank God you have other children XOXO I only have one child and she is evil disrespectful right now she's giving me the silent treatment and she will not let me see my grandchildren
@@winterblossom4446 Bonnie I just seen your comment about how evil your son is wow he needs some serious help... I will keep you in my prayers I hope your son gets the help he so desperately needs
@44JesusIsLord44 thank you for referring to God's Holy Word. It has blessed me and helped me to see more clearly my lifelong plight with my narcissistic daughter.
@@wisdomfromgeorge1704a narcissist will never get help. No self reflection at all. My daughter has even tried to make it a 'Court Order' that I, as her children's grandma not be allowed to see those 3 children.
I love your informative videos. I have a narcissistic sister and I was on the receiving end of her hate jealousy etc. She is obsessed with my mum and persistently fights in the ways you mentioned in this video. She is 36 and has got worse with age. I felt like I was the crazy one as no one saw her nasty side. I believe her to be a covert narcissist.
That explains so much of both my daughters' behaviors. They exhibited every characteristic and behavior on the list. Now I feel justified in ending both relationships after years of trying to make it work. All that did was give them more opportunities to stab me in the heart. Thank you for enlightening many of us who are wrestling with this situation and experiecing a lot of self-doubt about our parenting. We can learn to live happy, fulfilling lives without this constant cloud over our heads.
It is hard for me to understand how you have a narcissistic daughter unless one of the parents also had narcissistic qualities, but maybe that is just my experience speaking. You can see a direct correlation running through my family for several generations unfortunately. I am glad that I score fairly low on narcissistic qualities when I have been tested, although I score really high on avoidant qualities and have major ptsd from the abuse. I definitely have some of the fear of abandonment issues of bpd as well, but I internalize rather than externalize them through acting out behaviors.
You do realize kids spend more time at school and with friends than their parents, so of course they can be taught to be narcissist from outside the home.
It is generational in my case - mom, sisters and now daughter. Very soul crushing to a highly sensitive person. Yoga and meditation help tremendously in keeping me in the present moment. The voice in my head (ego) is constantly in fight or flight mode. Working on it.....
Thank you for this video. It confirms my choice for not having children was right. Seems like there is a million way a child ends up being bad, and only a few ways being good. Was never willing to take that chance considering the odds.
In defense of our choice for offspring: It’s a lonely life without children. Families are the strongest shelter from the outside world. For whatever bitterness they might bring later in life, their miraculous birth is the experience of pure and absolute joy, nothing like it. To rationally avoid love for it may brings trouble (and it will, it’s normal) is like saying I just want to observe others living, but will not take a plunge myself.
Truth is we can comment on & on about the pains of having disrespectful children who hurt & betray us but it still leaves a void or pain in your heart to feel you gave birth to an rival or enemy. In this season lets Pray that God gives us and them the peace to either reconcile or move forward without them in PEACE
I had married a malignant narcissist who not only mentally and emotionally abused me, he also did it to my daughters. He told my children that I was useless and at about the time of middle school they were repeating what he said to me. I was able to squelch that behavior quickly. Either than that I sometimes see a bit of narcissism in them.
This is very validating. I have suffered much guilt, feeling that I have caused my daughter to be like she is; I certainly was not a perfect parent and made many mistakes, however, even as a baby my daughter was extremely difficult in every way and much more demanding than average. She was constantly cuddled and breast fed until she was 2, but it still wasn't enough.I do wonder if some people are just born with these traits, making them very difficult to parent, and then the parents get blamed, like I was.
44JesusIsLord44 sorry, my daughter is not wicked. Just lost at the moment. Please, if you are inclined to post versus from the Bible, post uplifting as opposed to things which will only make parents feel (or think) their child is ‘wicked’ thanks and my the Lord bless you and keep you in his countenance.
Dianne, I heard a doctor on u tube, who has experience with this for about 40 years. She said the signs are there by age two. I agree, from my own experience.
Thank you so much for this very informative video. You described my oldest daughter to a tee. Her father was diagnosed Malignant Narcissist by 11 psychiatrists as an in patient facility. He also molested her, parent-ified her and demonized me. You gave me validation and for I that I am grateful. Thanks to you, I realize my daughter came from a long line of NPD and it is not my fault.
Me and hubby broke off our relationship with our 48 year old daughter (4) years ago. I simply got tired of being blamed, raged at, and told I'm toxic. I set boundaries for respect, civility, and dignity. She went over the line, and that was it ... she got what she wanted ... no contact. Breaks my heart, and I have a lot of anger, but the more I understand her psychological make-up, the easier it gets. Fortunately, we have a wonderful relationship with our 22 year old grandson. I think he recognizes his mom's illness, and we don't put him in the middle. We are fortunate to have him in our lives ❤.
❤
I’m hoping one day our granddaughter will reach out to us.
@@beaglerescue5281 ❤️
Good for you to be able to remove her from your life. Unfortunately I haven't been that lucky my 40 year old stalks me, has broken into my home when I was away and hacked my internet phone and computer. I have been to the police and get a order of protection but so far nothing or no one has helped.
I feel for you. So glad for you. Its amazing how setting boundaries for respect sets you up as the bad person
You cannot control how your narcissistic daughter behaves, but you can control your response. Thankfully! Best just not to engage with her, you cannot win!
💯
TRUE
Sad but she cut it off after her plan was foiled not by me, but by the EMTs, she thought would take me away. strange very sad
I agree 💯! After 20 years of emotional & verbal rejection, I'm done. I pray to Jesus as I tell him, "She's all yours😢
@@CarolynCoy Good job for giving it to Jesus.
I needed to hear this. My daughter gaslit me so much that I actually started blaming myself. I blocked her after Mother’s Day. Life’s so much more peaceful now.
I blocked my daughter too - sad but necessary to protect your peace.
His did she gaslight you ?
Good for you to be able to remove her from your life. Unfortunately I haven't been that lucky my 40 year old stalks me, has broken into my home when I was away and hacked my internet phone and computer. I have been to the police and get a order of protection but so far nothing or no one has helped.
Holidays are when they get really abusive. My daughter is 47, and I blocked her this past Mother's Day. I am living a peaceful life now.
@@ThePurle76 Praying that God restores peace & forgiveness in everyone that is affected lives. It's hard but God can use pain for purpose.
Another trait is duplicity - being charming to everyone outside the home, and rude to the parent(s).
Oh, BAM!
absolutely, have people thinking she is a good person however SHE CHOSES TO DO BAD THINGS
@@Aspire2HigherwithLeLei bingo period!
That's both of my daughters. Especially my oldest.
@Jlady64 both of mine too .
Thank you for this I am in the process of letting go of my 45 year old narcissistic daughter and her abuse. She is my only child and family.
It is not easy and I am going through alot of heartache right now...
I am very sorry for your pain. I know your pain. Mine was my only child. I went to God on my knees many times but in the end I gave her totally to God.
Trauma in her childhood. I hope you can see she is hurt and stuck. Owning your part of the trauma is a great place to start for self forgiveness.
I’ve let go of mine 10 Years Months Ago.
I share your situation and the pain ...like a wound that won’t heal
Remind yourself you would being going through the same heartache if you had a dozen other daughters. Losing a child is horrible.
This is my adult daughter and it's my own fault. I over indulged her, rarely ever said no, constantly told her that she was the most beautiful, smartest and greatest girl in the world. I nursed her until she was 4 because she didn't want to transition to a bottle. I literally spoiled her rotten. I did all of these things because of my own childhood in which I was never validated, neglected and mentally and physically abused. I swore that I would do the opposite in parenting my child and I went way overboard. She is physically beautiful and flaunts herself all over social media and recently has upped the ante by claiming that she was an abused child when in fact a hand was never laid on her and she was given constant love, reassurance, support and protection from her own misdeeds. I've seen this happen with some of my friends children as well. It seems that oftentimes those children who were treated the best end up treating their parents the worst and those that weren't treated very well treat their parents quite well. I took care of both of my parents to their last breath and financially and emotionally supported them when I achieved success. It's very sad to discover that we as parents created these little monsters that treat us so terribly. It's heart wrenchingly painful. If only we'd have known that overindulging our children was as bad as abusing them. Both create narcassists. It's called spoiled rotten for a reason.
THIS I saw many comments that say it only happen in broken family. I think it's the other way around. Raising your daughter as a "princess" then, you'll end up with someone who think herself as a princess. Many many people complain here on how they are victims of narsicist and yet, they are full grown adults and have the power to change that but they choose to do nothing and paint themselves as victims to have support from others. They aren't vicitms. Not at all. And if so, they are victims of themselves.
@@xminusone1 Its natural as a Father to protect your daughter over all others, to sacrifice yourself for them 1 reason wars are fought, to give them a better life than you had, to inspire them with confidence, that they can do or be anything they want in life ..... And like the Dr says this narcissism is common and something most grow out of, all children think the world revolves around them and find out later in life it doesn't as they become adults.
A normal daughter would see there are life challenges, that everything is not just handed to them, But what is happening especially with young adult women and social media stunts them! especially if they are pretty they get 1000 likes and praises for doing absolutely nothing, and expecting everything for it, My female cousin is like this and I warned my daughter as a teen do not be like her! and threatened my cousin to stay away from her!! But my daughter made her own choices as an adult, shes constantly re-enforced she is a princess who deserves the world at her feet.
Had I been a non-caring, non-sheltering, and you cant do anything father or never have spoiled her a day in her life it would not matter so don't blame me, because she looks and dresses well its assumed shes intelligent, or her opinions matter more ( look at Fox news female TV hosts or any in the spotlight female ) So she studies things shes not smart enough for but is constantly being told she is, when its assumed because shes beautiful she deserves to be rich its not me telling her its society. As a young child she was not pretty to the point shes thrown away all her childhood pictures and my daughter is married but most are not because no man is good enough for them no matter what they do, Why would you expect to think they think their own parents arent good enough for them either? My daughter sees both me and her mother as an embarrassment, the parents are the victims of adult children who make their own choices, guided by a society that overvalues them AFTER they've left home and went on their own way only to abandon those who loved them the most in favor of whoever praises them everyday and the most even at age 40 - Most people are what they are a product of society, and the surroundings that they live in - So filling yourself with guilt that you spoiled them, is just another way a narcissist can blame because no one can satisfy a true narcissist
spoiling someone is not treating them well
Strict over spoiled is definitely better! My parents called the shots, not us kids.
I deferred to my daughter wayy too much & have suffered the consequences of not following Biblical wisdom.
@@thuggoe So rare to see someone who gets it. If a child needs discipline and love, giving him or her a cellphone is inappropriate to accomplish the task. So many people think permissiveness is love. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My mother was a pure narcissist and unfortunately my eldest daughter has taken after her. She has broken my heart over and over again, and uses my grandchildren as a weapon against me. I could write a book on all the things she has said and done to me over years. The hurt never seems to heal when it's your own child.
My mother is an evil malignant narcissist and got her class into my daughter when she attended college near my mother's home. I didn't know at the time what was going in, but after I moved back here where my mother lives, I found out that she told some incredible lies and even tried to and did change my daughter's childhood memories. Now my daughter behaves just like a malignant narcissist. Like my mother.
What are their fathers like? Children of narcissists rarely recognise the dysfunction they grew up with as normal as being toxic until it’s too late. Did either of you have these girls with narcissistic men? Maybe they are just emulating the relational patterns they were exposed to throughout their lifetime. Including immediate family, in this case, Grandma.
I absolutely hear you. Your story is almost the same as mine. It is so very hard to deal with.
Same mother and daughter issue
The pain never ends when it's a sibling either.
I totally agree with you. Been dealing with a narcissistic daughter for years and I had to eventually sever the relationship. Children can and do abuse parents too.
💯
I know...I'm dealing with it
Oh, yes, the constant neglecting and ignoring of the parents' needs is abuse. Boundaries are important.
So true. Walking away is the only choice.
My daughter is now 30 years old, she has many of these traits and I have always hope she would turn her life around. Now, I know I just have to take it one day at a time, set my own boundaries, and find my own inner peace.
Ugh. I can’t deal with my child continuing to be this way! Hope she out grows it!!
Generation Greedy never wanted to be real parents, just to possess children. I hope your daughter gets FAR AWAY from your selfish ass.
@@muirgirl yep, this is the caterwauling of THAT generation that let their kids get abused. They wonder why we keep our kids away from these a-holes. Generation selfish!
My sister had a son on her own because nobody can stand her… it’s cruel to be a single,parent for purely extrinsic reasons and to manipulate others for personal gains. That’ likely describes her.
Exactly that’s what, I’ve always said. Because, if you even have them in your life it’s putting stress on your life that you don’t need and, they don’t seem to care how they treat you or how it effects you and your life. Everyone has to do what’s best for them and do what they need for there health and sanity.
How right you are. We were cut off for 10 years by both our girls and then when my husband was dying they both turned up as if nothing had ever been wrong. Even just before he died my gentle husband said the ‘sharks are circling’. How sad for him to feel that. Now I am tossed aside again. It is very hurtful as we had devoted our lives to their education, music and all their needs. I’ve always blamed myself for spoiling them.
It is not your fault or your husband that your girls turned out to be narcassistic jerks. Sometimes, even with good parenting, we end up with rotten apples.
I feel u mama💙 I'm in a similar unfortunate boat
I blame it on the food in our society all the junk food... But stay away from them and don't put all your happy eggs and their basket cuz I got the same situation going on with both my daughters.... I took down all their pictures and all their art that I saved from when they were little kids I'm giving it all back to them...I don't want any reminders in my life about their poison and who they've become..... Can we blame it on food allergies I don't know..
.
Ditto! Suffering the same consequences of spoiling my only daughter. Never turns out well 😒
Lisa, I did the same thing only just boxed up and turned around pic's as I don't want reminders of better days " gone by"😪
I am glad to read your post! Because like you I realize that me wanting a better life for my children has actually helped my daughter to become narcissistic! Your husband was right they are liken to predators! Circling around to see whom they can devour! I know it hurts but get over it and live your life peacefully as possible! Try to gain new friends and if God is good he will bring you new family who are not blood relatives but will treat you as if you are!
Be kind to yourself! You have been through enough! Enough is enough!
Don't forget, the narcissist (daughter/son) picks a target to demean, whether at home, school, or work. They are very competitive when there is no need to be. They will spread lies about the target or sabotage the target in order to discredit them and gain sympathy from the supporters so they can get what they want without having to compete fairly with the target, especially when there was an easier way for them to get what they wanted. They have a distorted view of life and their own power.
Pray for me
Sounds just like my daughter and I was her target until o stood up and said NO MORE!
@@crazycajunsunshine Hey neighbor, praying for you, I could use a few too. 🙏🏻
Holy crap. SPOT ON
I’m struggling as well with my adult daughter I can’t believe and just find out recently that such people exist to treat their parent miserably as my daughter are I work a lot cook for her and support her in so many way but she end up lying and misinterpreted about me to her friends behind my back I’m so ashamed of her behavior ! I told her if you not happy and daily call me name please move out I don’t like fighting I just want to be happy etc…. 😭😭😭😭🙏🏽🙏🏽💔💔💔💔
This describes my daughter to a t sadly. The pain and grief is unbearable sometimes. Thank you for validating what really happens when an adult child treats their parent like this. It’s very painful as a parent because I want the best for her but many times I am applaud at her spiteful nature. Wish there was magic solution for narcissism. 😪
The best video I have ever heard describing my adult daughter. Her disrespectful treatment of me as her mother has come to the point I no longer can tolerate. No Contact has been my only avenue for relief. Now I have regained my life putting myself as the priority. Enough was enough I had to release her. Daughters age is 39. Taking verbal abuse, temper tantrums, raging out of control was enough. It feels good to have her drama out of my life. Out of site, Out of Mind has been wonderful.
I so identify with you..I'm also embarking on this very sad journey
Is wonderful really the right word though? I know from having a daughter like that myself that life is easier when they're not in your life and it's less painful but I definitely wouldn't call it wonderful. In a way I envy you though because my parents invite my daughter to every family function and she acts like I'm not even there every time (she's 20). She's married and I don't know what'll happen when she starts having kids of her own and she starts bringing them to family functions. Will I be allowed to talk to them and hold them? I doubt it. It makes me sick at heart.
Mary I can’t speak for DeeDee, but she said that out of sight, out of mind was wonderful. She didn’t say her life was wonderful. I have a 40 yr old daughter that causes a lot of grief to all family members, and it is nice to omit that drama from my life. I miss her and my grandkids, but the stress she adds is certainly not missed.
I'm in the same boat...now she's withholding my granddaughter
@@tigresmom5654 Hello Mary, I am already going through this...I have tried everything I can think of to mend the relationship with my adult daughter and she continues to tell everyone that I don't want anything to do with her or my grandchildren. I bought her and the grandchildren birthday gifts and she wouldn't accept them. There was a celebration of life event in our family and we were both there, she told my sister, "I don't know why mom never texts me"...my sister asked me why I don't. I showed her on my phone that I do. I brought puzzles to the event for my grandchildren, they played with them but my daughter left them on the table when she went home. Dealing with this is not easy, but I can feel comfort in knowing that I have tried everything.
Dr. Grande, I just watched your video, and it fits my life with my daughter. My daughter basically blames me for everything bad that has happened in her life. She is 59 yrs old and most of the time, she acts like a hateful, foul-mouthed teenager. I love her, but I don't even like to be around her. You're right, I feel guilty every day because in my heart I feel like I failed her. But in my head, I know that I was a good mother. We are like night and day, and we never agree on anything. I've just recently been researching Narcissism and it describes my daughter perfectly. I don't know what to do with her. It stresses me beyond description.
I have a daughter just like her. Save yourself and stay away. She'll ruin your health and my daughter did mine.
@@diana-rq2vr Thank you for responding to my comment. My daughter's latest torment for me was to send out texts to several friends and family, basically telling them that they didn't really know me at all. Then she proceeded to tell them what I'm really like and all the terrible things I've done that ruined her life. I haven't seen or heard from her in several months. She's blocked me from her phone. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her since she is now my only child. (My son died of a heart attack. Her relationship with him is another very long story). Anyway, one of the last things my daughter said to me was that any time she has been nice to me in her whole life...she was pretending. I will be 79 in a few days, still up and about, but sad. My husband of 57 years died recently and I feel so very much alone. This is NOT how I imagined my life would be like, did you?
@@tonidoyle6951 Involve in your local community, go to an orphanage and adopt a teenage, provide the child with a good life in return you will have someone in your life and wont feel vulnerable.. Or get a rescue dog or cat look after the animal if physically you are able to do it. Make your will and take your daughter out of your will. Leave your estate to charities that you believe are doing good job. Do not tell this to your daughter. She is your only relative but she is detrimental to your health. Stay as far away as possible. She is 59 don't expect her to change and be a nice daughter.
i’m so sorry to hear that, you do not deserve that. you are a good mother and did the best you could, it’s out of your control now, love from afar🧡
@@kariminalminds feeling your pain. My daughter is 16 and now tortures my head in the same way her dad did. She lived with him for a while and now lives with me. I've tried to turn my life around but I still feel hopeless because now I hear her dad in everything she says to me. He has destroyed our relationship and now we are destroying it without him even being present. It's heart breaking because all I want is a loving relationship with her. We are both victims but I'm to blame for everything.
10 signs =
1. Needing approval - e.g. trying to impress teachers, parents, friends through achievements likes grades, good deeds
2. Won't take direction - e.g. will refuse to go to bed on time, do homework
3. Aversion to criticism - e.g. dismissing or attacking the criticiser, overreacting to criticism, unfair comparisons to others
4. Jealousy - e.g. complaining about being the 'less favoured' child (regardless if true or not)
5. Taking sides - e.g. dividing or triangulating the parents through insults
6. Overusing social media - e.g. showing off friends/likes/appearance, provocative posts
7. Insubordination at work - e.g. insulting the boss/co-workers, bemoaning her lowly (initial) position, not respecting authority
8. Appearance focused - e.g. demeaning parents' appearance, bragging about or flaunting her appearance
9. Jealousy - e.g. belief that family members are jealous of their appearance, partner, social position
10. Preoccupation with inheritance - e.g. sensitised to parents spending habits, health
Thanks for the great content, as always, Todd.
mitchell howarth as a teacher I can tell you that with middle and high school aged kids, pretty much all of them meet this criteria ie wanting to impress with achievements not taking direction over using social media and feeling disenfranchised next to their siblings.
May I use these 10 signs in my Facebook group? I just want yo post them for others to see
Triangulation seems like a big red flag when done for no reason, such as a separation, divorce, or even a lot of fighting. It’s almost as a means to gain control - divide and conquer.
This is exactly my step daughter, she's 35 and has been like this since 17. She just gets worse with age.
1-5 are my 11 year old granddaughter to the letter. It’s sad and it’s scary to watch. I feel so bad for her mom and my son trying to deal with it all.
I honestly don't know what to say. You have described my eldest daughter to a T and I blamed myself for years. I finally had a therapist who advised me that my life was in danger from my own grief! Thank you for the clarity you give! We have been estranged for nearly twenty years, sadly, but at least I can now breathe. I did my best, and now I can believe it with a lighter heart.
I had to let my daughter go to save my own life. I almost didn't make it. Then I focused on my remaining children and realized how I'd been shortchanging them by trying to fix an unfixable, "lost" child. I'm glad you're okay now.
You absolutely described my adult daughter & what our relationship has looked like. Finally after 39 years, of enduring this toxic relationship I have chose to cut it off & seek help to heal. I appreciate your videos as they are giving me the words to express the abuses I have endured all these years, and to not feel ashamed in telling her “enough”.
Thank you.
Infants "test" their caregivers with on-going crying & it's to see if the caregiver will stay & console or leave. There are similarities with the adult child (child narcissist) How far can I exert dominance & do whatever I want: lie, steal, skip school, drink alcohol, smoke & you will stay. I think of Drew Barrymore said she was wild: climbing out of windows late at night, stealing her mother's car, using cocaine at 14 years old, so her mom admitted her to an inpatient program for teens. Drew was resentful & they really haven't had a relationship since. At the end of the day, the parent's priority is to keep the child safe.
I have had enough with my daughter. I've chosen to set boundaries with her. Currently we're not even speaking to each other. I'm done with the abuse.
Me too! You are not alone.
I agree, enough is enough.
Thank you for covering this topic. It's so hard
to find. People are out there talking about all
the narcissists, but denying that there are
suffering parents to these grown narcissists.
When they do acknowledge the parents, it's
to blame them, and they're already suffering
tremendous heartache. Chances are, the
narcissist was spoiled, and nothing you do is
ever enough.
Yes. This is the first talk I have come across on this subject. My daughter and I haven't spoken in 6 six years. My heart is broken but for my sanity I had to leave the area where we all lived, including leaving my grandgirls who I had homeschooled for 8 years. Once they started graduating evidently I wasn't useful any longer. I was worried for them because she was definitely jealous of our relationship and I found out later that she was quite cruel to them. Not too long after I left, she left her husband and the girls who were young women by then. They don't have a good relationship with her but thank God, we still have a great relationship. It was an absolute nightmare that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
A person who is both bi-polar and narcissistic is truly toxic. They can shred your heart to the point you feel you may bleed to death, and then in fifteen minutes are extremely angry because you're still acting hurt for "no real reason". By the same token, fifteen minutes after that they may be quite "happy" and ask a favor of you as though none of it ever happened.
I'M STRUGGLING WITH MY 36 DAUGHTER, TOO. I'M ALMOST TO DISTANCE FROM HER AND SADLY FROM MY GRANDCHILDREN.
I have experienced all that and my biggest advice is never travel long distances with them if their driving. Your a sitting duck for this behavior for hours or be stranded. I'm learning.
....and don't ever expect or imply you need a favor from them!!
@@karenabrose4058 absolutely 💯. My daughter's been silent for 7yrs. She texted about a visit.
I asked why she wanted to visit when she doesn't want to talk.
She called.(7 YEARS!)to talk
or rant.
So relieved this wasn't at a restaurant where I'd be tempted to walk or sit in uncomfortable silence.
Phone 1st
@@twilfits Learnt that also.
We used to call a kid who wouldn't take direction "intransigent." Part of the reason we have so many narcissistic criminals in our society is because we fudge the truth and we do not maintain high standards of behavior for everyone.
Narcissists persist in their personality traits longer than others. They hate someone longer, they punish more harshly, they have higher highs and lows that are difficult to control. They are spiteful for slights that never happened or were forgotten.
Bit of me
Hmm. Sounds like a couple of people I know of.
Sounds like someone I know.
That's the best way to distinguish traits because we all do some of the behaviour but it is the way they hold grudges for six months or years they take someone down rather than engage in a fight it is fighting so dirty that it scares a normal person who doesn't engage like that..?.
You could be describing many of the people I work with, including myself (I have a blue-collar job). These are also traits of people with fragile or bruised egos, which I don't believe to be the same as narcissism. People who are used to being bullied, down-trodden or hurt end up with a strong sense of justice, and it might not be an ingrained personality trait, but rather a learned trait or defence mechanism. I don't have any science to back this up, it's just personal observation.
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child! "-Shakespeare
I have such children. It's supported by our culture and makes me deeply sorrowful.
@@nannygoatj Don't blame yourself; often they come with their own pre-programming from before birth. The love you tried to give them will be returned to you somehow in the future.
AMEN..I SAY THAT ALL THE TIME!! 🐍
My teen daughters have estranged and have put up a great wall of silence so I can't even find out why. Granted, they are victims of parent alienation from their father, but I gave up my world to have and raise them; it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
People, think twice about the person you marry. And think thrice about having children. They can break you 😭😭😭
I'm caring for someone's narcissistic teen daughter and being a somewhat permissive parent I've had to force myself to be more firm. I went to bed with some anxiety about my situation and Ironically i had a dream that a green snake bit me and I had to pry its mouth from my hand. I think that the fangs even broke off in my hand. The snake turned into a brown color after that.
Sometimes I have dreams that are consistent with things that I'm going through but the meaning is usually obvious so I'm not sure about this one.
I am 72 years old and my daughter is 45 years old now. She's my only child and was raised as if nothing else mattered in my life. She had a perfect father who would have flown to the moon and back for her. I've experienced so much trauma starting from her teenage years. Ive only recently looked uo narcissisim. At last I found an excuse for her behavior. She simply hates me and feels no sympathy whatsoever. I live alone but still take care of my 11 year old grandson after school and weekends. No thanks. I shed a lot of tears and suffered a lot of pain. I've now come to realize that she will not change but I have to for my own sanity. I chose God to be by my side. I ignore her much as possible to avoid confrontation. I watch Christian programs on TV and keep my self busy watching documentary on TH-cam. I'm in a better space now. My only regret is that the person who should love me the most actually can't stand me. But with God by my side I have the whole world at my feet. He says I will never leave you nor forsake you. That's good enough for me.
Stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might. God promises us that He will NEVER fail us nor forsake us. Love you my beautiful, valuable, and precious sister in Christ. Jehovah Shalom.👑👑👑
And God loves you more than you could ever know.
@@glowjana2898 Thank you for caring and your support. God is good. He is all that we need. When we understand that then the world will be a wonderful place. God bless all of you.
@@vandellapoe9916 Thank you and God bless you and your family always.
So sorry to hear this… I’m in the same situation. Very painful. She is my only child and she was my world. I have loved her so much. Now she’s taken my grandsons away. I also thought she would always be there for me, as I was for my mother. Nope! I am all alone, except I also have Jesus who is my rock! BIG hug from afar.
Wow, this was enlightening. My eldest daughter carries these traits. She actually decided 15 years ago that we (her family) were an embarrassment. She contantly lied, mercilessly bullied her younger sister and only ever contacted me when she wanted money..Saying no was to start world war 3. She was so out of touch with reality that she would request the most expensive presents for birthdays, Christmas etc. Everything was sweetness and light until she was told no. I struggle with this as her father was a narcissist and I guess he taught her well. Neither of them would ever apologise because of course they were always right. No contact is fine with me.
Seems like she didn’t have much of a choice growing up in an environment like that
Yes absolutely no contact! 💯
Thank you Dr Grande. I had to let go of my relationship with my daughter 4 years ago! It’s a very painful decision & process. I just couldn’t process her verbal abuse , threats etc. I had to seek counselling because it was so painful. I gave her all that I could but it just wasn’t enough! Your Channel is very very helpful to help many I am sure! 😊🇨🇦
In America, anything wrong with the kids seems to default as the mother's fault. I was happy to hear the autism gene is passed from the father. Side note, the last 20 years has been dictated by the Paris Hilton's of this world & young girls were following & taking notes on superficial relationships, beauty & being the mean girl. The 1,000 "friends" on Facebook don't even know you! Can't ask for help if your moving or need to change a flat. Many use words loosely & the slightest push back - no worries, have an amazing day phoney reply.
Agree Doing the same with muy daughter. She is so hurtful and Ive done nothing to hurt ver. She 40 yrs old and wont hace anything to do with any family member. She has a college degree but will not work. She uses people mal nly menos to get what she wants no mater the Cost.
MsKayla, my guess is you needed to give her one thing you likely didn’t…an asswhooping.
My Daughter is doing the same to me, it makes me very depressed and it's so stressful
@@happychest239I’m. Going through this too. You’re not alone 🙏
Wow, yes narcissists are highly critical of others, can’t handle criticism or differing beliefs from their own or they’ll feel attacked, have this tendency to victimize themselves in nearly every situation, and express jealousies and criticisms of those they feel inferior to. Oh and they usually like to have the last word
And they are NEVER WRONG or NEVER SAY SORRY!
Dear God! This is my daughter. In my situation my husband is a narcissist. Been trapped for 30 years. I never knew what narcissism was until a few years ago. Never understood that my now 22 year old daughter is one too. I'm so fucked....and being an empath these vampires have stolen my life.
WOW, you are speaking of my daughter
@@wheetypeedy actually many do say they sorry but they don't mean it. There are narcissist that can cry real years while saying sorry but don't even mean it and plotting to treat your even worse.
@@christineh9822 wow! We the same. I told them both they are vampires and they gave just evil looks and a grin.
Ugh this is so triggering to hear as a daughter of a narcissist because I can just imagine her watching this and thinking "see i knew it was my daughter that was the problem this whole time." I know this is legitimate information but a narcissistic parent could so easily turn this around on the child by saying "you are always yelling and crying you are so emotional you are clearly narcissistic" or when the narc parent truly plays favorites with the kids and being like "see no i'm not you are just a narcassist that always wants attention." Same goes with needing approval in school and at home. The only thing i was EVER recognized for was being smart. (Aka never just good enough as i was or a good person, etc.) so i craved external validation particularly in school because i believed it was the only way to be worth something.
I can relate to you so much
I agree... My parent thinks I'm the problem too and thinks I have unreasonable traits. I know she thinks I'm ungrateful and cruel. She hopes if she prays for me I'll come around one day to forgive her and trauma bond to her like she did with her mom.
Edited to confirm that she has now said all these things herself. Peace out toxic mommies!
Po
Oh, yep, all my life I was told I was so disagreeable, while doing everything my mother told me to do serving her etc. Being total pushover with no self - esteem (I was told I think I am a queen while I was questioning my right to live my life). I think narcissistic parents keep specialists delusional. Of course they will say "no no we dont beat her, no, maybe couple times, she's got everything". Yep. Everything apart from dignity, sense of reality, right for separation.
Oh YOU NAILED IT. This VIDEO is HONESTLY TRIGGERING the NARCISSISTIC PARENT to BE EVEN MORE NARCISSISTIC.
I feel I have created a narcissistic daughter. I never wanted to repeat what my narcissistic mother did to me…I feel I overcompensated as a single parent by not making her do housework, always being there whenever she needed me regardless of my needs even into her adulthood, putting her first before myself, providing her things like a new Jeep for graduation without a thank you or appreciation, always there to listen even when she showed no care or concern for my needs all resulting in a sense of entitlement. She is jealous of me, critical, and very unkind. I failed as a parent and am responsible for her narcissism. She is 39 and I have told her I matter, too. I love you, but your behavior is not okay. Haven’t heard from her in weeks. It’s hard, but I can’t let the abuse continue any longer. It hurts too much and I can no longer keep making excuses and overlooking her bad behavior.
Ok Gals, here we go. By the verbiage of both your posts, my guess is y’all are vulnerable narcs that made grandiose ones.
... so much is said about child abuse .. which is real and tragic ...but nothing is ever said about parent abuse, where the child abuses the parents. It is also very real and tragic.
@@briannab5296 To these days culture is always in favour of parents. It's normalized to kill your children in mythology and literature, movies, but it's never portrayed as normal to kill your parents.
What she is jealous about?
It’s not your fault. Adults have choices. She is choosing to be self centred and selfish.
My daughter cried when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and had been hit head on in a car accident, I said it’s going to be okay her response was “ No it’s not. Why couldn’t you just die so it’d be just be me and dad. You always ruin everything.” The nurse told her “Get. Out. NOW.” It only got worse. She was 12 at that time.
Oh my, this is like reading the world’s shortest horror story. I don’t know what makes people so cold and uncommitted to their families, but internet psychology gurus are screaming with intolerance. All we hear is cut off, cut off …. No empathy, no other side of the story, no recognition that everyone has their share of suffering. It’s all about me, me, me. The family order is broken and the youngsters don’t care about respect for their elders. If there aren’t any true emotions, good manners and respect should makeup for it. Kids today know little about the family history, struggles as well as funny things. When I was little, we listened to grandparents stories of survival, to family friends, neighbors. It seems to o me that all people talk about today at dinner table is money and more money and who has the cleverest way of making lots of money. I see a very lonely world out there. I am worrying about getting old as I can see the malice entering my family too. Once, my family bursted with energy, songs, storytelling laughter, fights too (part of normal life), but the younger generation is bringing gloom, irritable hypersensitivity, impatients and the whole general lack of feeling like we belong to each other and should navigate through life by taking care of each other.
OMG
Am so sorry poor, dear mother. Take heart in knowing there can be a strong genetic factor. As far as nurture goes, they say bad treatment can also make a narcicisst as well as good treatment. Who knows? So many of us our hurting over this. I think this was mentioned in the bible and explained as a lack of love in the last days. Pls turn to Jesus for comfort. He can help you know you did the best you could and make up the difference wher we fell short with our kids. I am seeing I must start praying regularly for my kids. I hope you will too. Be happy.
Oh I have two friends whose sons said similar things to them . I do believe there is something missing in their brains. One is getting a bit better but the other is still estranged.
My mother was a narcissist. She was emotional distant, cold, jealous, mean, self centered. I remember begging my father to get a divorce, nope he took those wedding vows seriously, she made everyone miserable! She got worse as she aged. She died this last Feb. not one of her three daughters shed a tear. She left behind 3 messed up daughters and two granddaughters even more messed up . In the end she turned on everyone, she made everybody's life a living hell and died alone. Statistics show narcissist very rarely ever change.
This was enlightening and deeply sad for me at the same time. Our daughter has all 10 of these traits. We have been estranged from her for 16 months. She has hurt us so much and we just can’t trust her any longer.
My daughter has all of these too and last we saw her was 16 years ago.
@@diana-rq2vr I am getting to the point to stop interactions for the third and final time with my daughter. My heart breaks because of my 3 year old grandson.
I too have been estranged from my youngest daughter for the most part for over a year. Sadly I feel relief as much as anything else. Our daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD and more recently bipolar. She has 4 children which she neglects and both she and her poorly employed, and very lazy husband loves to play video games and watch sports on tv. He checks out on a regular basis. She has stolen from us allowed her husband to steal from us by using our credit cards when we were only allowing her to use a card for groceries or gas to get to work. She has used a credit card and charged by obtaining my CC info and using it only to realize that I would discover it later. We can not let her have a key to the home because she simply cannot be trusted. She has an alcohol in spite of being an RN and he just has an aversion to real work at anytime. Everytime she might be getting on her feet she would get pregnant again. This always set them back be cause she had Terrible pregnancies and c section births. She is a nurse so we have to think she understands basic biology. They weren't prepared for #1 much less 2,3, and 4. They have a house only because his grandmother literally bought them one that the have essentially destroyed through clutter and fighting. He likes to punch walls and door yet cant fix anything. We worry about the kids and love them but we all dread the two adults. We would love to provide sanctuary for the kids and have done that many many times but my health is failing and I can barely walk alone now . My daughter fits every single one of these deals but then so does her husband. My son just call him a Big DUD. He is not like by our other three children and sadly our daughter is being ignored because of their lifestyle and just irresponsible attitude to parenting. None of the 3 older children want their children around them. It is the biggest disappointment of my life. I truly understand your pain. I feel terrible that you only have l child. I will tell you that this narcissitic daughter of ours constantly has issues and causes issues with the rest of our family. She is quite a liar but she has done a lot of damage before she has finally been exposed as stirring up trouble. Much of it was because we weren't revealing her stories so there was a lot of pain caused by keeping secrets from the other. I was very guilty of covering for her to avoid family squabbles which only made things worse. That was my biggest error. Trust lines have been crossed and it will take time to repair. So painful.
I well understand, Vickie, and you're not alone. I go through the same with my only child, my 34yo daughter. I LOVE her with everything in me, yet I can often hardly tolerate her. She's been an abusive bully since her early teens (I assume because it's worked for her?) I could write a book, but no one would believe it - unless they see it.
According to her, "I" never do anything right, while she is always correct. All my decisions are poor ones (or "crackhead" ones because I take minimal legal prescription meds for injuries and pain after 10 back surgeries.) "I'm" a stupid, unsuccessful loser (though I managed 20 years in the military,) while she is a money-earning "professional" (
I would believe you.
You hit the nail on the head with the attractiveness and “jealousy”.. when you do nothing but support her and help to build her esteem it’s truly disgusting
I totally agree with you. I always looked after supported complimented my daughter. Now she compares herself with me and constantly refers to wrinkles on my face or my weight or my height (I am 1.50cm she is 1.70 cm). She is also jealous so when I get dressed to go out with her dad, she always comments negatively and always picks on how the dress is too short or too long or tight or loose basically anything which will make me upset and make her happy. It is sad. I wish I could go back 15 years, I would behave differently. I spoilt her too much, or she copies her narcissistic father's behaviour. I do not know which one.
Omg, I am flabbergasted! My gorgeous daughter once told me that she wondered if I was jealous. I was shocked! Didnt she know that I adored her? She had to by all the support and ass kissing I did! Never in a million years could I be jealous of my "baby girl"! Now, 20 yrs later, I realizes she has the same narcissistic traits as her dad! Her dad and his family all have narcissistic tendencies. What's funny is, when I married him 40 yrs ago, I thought they were "very into themselves"! I'd never known what a narcissist was! Now I know and I see it in my daughter and it breaks my heart 😥
@@barbhayes126 "Very into themselves"yup that's called self centeredness, a major indicator of narcs. Dated someone's narc daughter. We all hurt by them
@@jinakurd1726 omg my 24 year old cousin is like this. She picks on her mom and her looks and what she wears constantly. Once i showed her some new shorts i bought and later i learned she told the whole family what size i wore.
@@barbhayes126 She was always my "Baby Girl". I realize now she was competing with me. She was in 5th grade and competing in academics. She was the best. All kinds of trophys and governors medals. 8th grade acedemics end of year awards night, she got everything. Till someone decided it would be fun for the parents to compete with the children. Like are you smarter than a 5th grader adage. 8th grader at this point. I got pushed up to play, along with a Math teacher, and an architect, Pretty sure they have more intellect than I do. not so much. Didnt know what game held a Knight and pawn. ZING-- Chess. What were the bones in the inner ear called before they were renamed---Zing--hammer anvil and Sturrup. What is the medical term for ear wax? Zing-Cerumen. The math teacher couldnt answer the math questions, but I could. My team leader, the architect would see that I had the answer. Parents won that night. I tried to explain that the parents had college degrees. She was graduating 8th grade. She hated me cause she didnt win.
My 18 year old daughter recently told me that she doesn't even like me and she can't stand being around me the only reason she's here is because she has nowhere else to go. I started her in counseling at a fairly young age for self-harming and disobedience for what I thought was a mental issue but I think I'm just realizing that this is possibly what it's been all along.😢 It's tough and I pray for all families going through this situation 🙏
It’s not normal for a child to not love their parents for no reason.
Sadly this is probably becoming an epidemic because of the distortions in living experience brought about by social media. The other extreme is also on the increase, girls having poor body image, eating disorders, low self worth etc. It’s a strange world to bring kids into, thank you Dr Grande, thankfully there are some worthwhile mental health professionals educating people 👍
I agree that social media plays a huge role in this and also western culture as a whole. If the parents were genuinely good parents then I think the influences of western culture, social media, friends, extended family etc could have contributed to the child's malignant behavior and personality. It's hard for me to believe that a child can be born like this and the environment have zero affect on the child and how they developed. We are a product of both nature and nurture so I think saying it's completely one or the other is too black and white for the complexities of the human mind.
I agree!
My parents didn’t have social media in their time
I agree with Monica Cruz my girls especially the older one is always comparing herself to other girls. Always thinking they are prettier have perfect teeth jawline etc. This is due to social Media. It can make some girls so superficial that they strictly reley on there looks or how many thumbs up they get. On the opposite it can make girls obsessed because of poor body image. The view of themselves completely unrealistic
@@mysticalvibe4241 I do not disagree with you but my teen years were in the 60's. As early as 10-12 years old in mid fifties I was influenced by magazines, especially Seventeen which i had at 13. Movies. TV, the magazines marketed to older teens. The influences have always been there. Oh and what girl of that generation wasn't influenced by miss America, miss universe, Jr miss America, miss teen america. The influences are just more easily accessible with social media. More interactive and more quickly responded to. Where it used to be limited to the number of kids in our schools. In our hometowns.
Unfortunately, I´ve been plagued with the issue of having an only daughter who is miserably narcissistic, to the extent that I can´t tolerate her. It is extremely painful, I don´t wish it on anyone.
Same her and the girl is now 40.
@@gigiweakley5198 all young kids are manipulative. If you looked at your young child and thought coldhearted and evil then you're probably the reason they turned out the way they did.
That is prob how elder abuse begins.
My daughter has rendered me speechless..., I felt your response!!!
I also have just the one daughter..which I guess is why I have tolerated so much of her abuse to me. She is 45 and has always been narcissistic but with me she is abusive physically and emotionally.
I realize I have to cut her out of my life to safe my life because her silent treatments and abuse are slowly killing me.
It is hard with just the one child...you so want to have a loving relationship with them and it takes so much courage to let them go knowing you will never have that love with them.
Bless you.
Dr. Grande, I’m currently getting my doctorate in behavior analysis and I must say I recommend your videos to all of peers at Western Michigan University. Thank you for your insights and for sharing!
Samuel Migala Do you teach, or plan on teaching, and will you use the videos with your classes? If behavior analysis was my area, I would. I’m in Sociology & still find them fascinating.
Samuel Migala: I commend you for studying behavioral analysis and are in the process of obtaining your doctorate. Although I am not a licensed professional, psychology has always been a huge interest of mine and wanted to let you know that I think Dr. Grande will be a huge influence in your future endeavors. This video about narcissistic daughters is real and I hope that you are able to effectively treat any future clients who are suffering with this sensitive and heartbreaking issue. Since behavioral health is not favored with my medical insurance coverage, it is nearly impossible to find any professional therapist who is remotely trained or educated on this matter. I live in the West and have sought therapists high and low, as well as seek any type of groups who can assist me with the heartbreak I feel on a daily basis. There's nothing.
Samuel Migala DR G is The Best! ☘️🇮🇪
@@LauraVee63 i do hope you found help. I binge watched videos, now a year this month since the discard I found a counselor at Better Help 3 months ago and it's really been a blessing I can see light in the distance. All the best to you.
This is a bit late but congratulations on your doctorate 👏🏼
You have described my daughter perfectly. She is a triplet and has 5 siblings. I have 6 children born between 1990 and 1995, 5 years apart. She has destroyed not only our relationship, but the relationship between her siblings. My other 5 children are best friends . I’m fortunate to have my other 5 children which means to me that I fulfilled my job of a parent and I have no regrets. We all miss the little girl we saw grow up.
Always hold onto your own boundaries for self respect and dignity. It is excruciating to let go when my bottom line is often crossed. She can get her narcissistic supply elsewhere and not from me.
This fits my 25 y/o daughter completely. She is always achieving,.. Buying a home, going to medical school (worked in a nursing home) becoming a famous singer (auditioned for American Idol twice), going to "law school" (wants to be a paralegal). Was supposed to be maid if honor at her sisters wedding in September (Decided to get married herself in December) 😑 Got angry when her dad and I could only afford one wedding within 3 months. Planned her quickie wedding 4 states away and there was no way we could go with that short of notice. Now hates us. Telling grandiose tales on Facebook daily.
How much of a notice did you get for her wedding? It takes one day to cross four states.
I was a miserable child of a narcissist mother, and could detail a lot of experiences such as those you mention in this video. However, it is important to remember that not all of us wind up in therapy, and when you see people in a clinical setting, they may be just the tip of the iceberg. There have been many disappointments and dysfunctions in my life, but as I was growing up there were also a few good people who said and did things that helped me more than they might ever have imagined. I was touched by kindness and tried to model myself more like the loving mothers of some of my friends, who I saw showing uncomplicated affection and interest in them. When I was eight my mother got a full time job, and that was the best thing she ever did for me - many peaceful hours a week without her constant badgering and criticism. She was also extremely histrionic. The tension in a room would rise just by her presence, even commented on by people who would not see the full picture. Stress in childhood can leave lifelong scars and can lead to bad choices that result in more stress. My mother's childhood was probably much worse than mine. The ramifications are vast, but some of us get lucky and overcome much of the damage, at least to the extent of being able to lead peaceful, relatively uncomplicated lives, though probably anyone who lived like that as a child has lost a great deal in unrealized potential.
You said it all.
OMG, I believe you have met my daughter! This is the most realistic portrayal I have found, and I have been reading and researching for some time. Thank you, Dr. Grande!
Do we have the same child?
My daughter too. She's mean as dirt.
It took me about 30 years to figure out that my daughter is a narcissist. This list describes her exactly and will help me to explain to my other children what is going on with their sister. I have had to cut ties with her because the abuse was ongoing and kept me on an emotional roller coaster.Thank you for summing this up. Love the video. Maybe not the content. but the way it was presented. 😉
My 61 year old daughter mentally abused me. I did not understand why I am afraid when she visits us. I told my husband why I am anxious and unpleasant to him. He took me to doctor for pills to get my anxiety. I find its hard hard to talk to her especially in the phone. It always finance or complaints and blames. I suffer this abuse since she was 12 years. I found out recently. and do a lot of research. I am healing as I keep away from her. I am 85 and I need to take care myself as I worked hard.
My goodness. This is powerful. You know, I have watched many of Dr. Grande's videos, and they all help me to disconnect from the effects of these personality disorders. As a burned out spiritual counselor, I realize that I could have really used this information a decade ago!
I am about to give up on my only child and it hurts like hell to even think that. There seems like no other option.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel.
What pushed me over the edge was that I became suicidal. At some point, it's okay to save yourself. I decided not to allow my daughter to kill me, basically.
I also focus on my remaining children, who are not like her at all. I realized I was shortchanging them by focusing on the child causing pain and drama. Maybe that was my narc daughter's intent. I have turned my focus to my other (adult) children and we are doing much, much better.
Surely there are others who need your ability to love and care and won't turn it into perpetual miserable accusations of poor parenting. Keep loving, but direct it elsewhere. The world needs it.
I hope you are all doing well today..
There comes a time it requires “tough love” or “ love must be tough”
@circuit7Active you went no contact
Dr. Grande I would so appreciate you doing a segment on adult children alienation from their parents, most of the time unwilling to even give a reason why. This is heartbreaking for parents and seems to be quite prevalent these days.
You have described my adult daughter precisely....I have broken free after years of her abuse!
Me too.
@@diana-rq2vr In the process of it myself.
Same
I have become to ignore her because she nakes me sick, literally
You went no contact @@ascensionvaldes1412
Thank you. You described my younger sister perfectly. She estranged herself from the family when my father died 2 years ago. He was Her supply. My parents were married 57 years. There are 3 of us children and we had a loving home. And we were all treated equally. She started showing signs at 12-14 years and it has been a nightmare every since.
I appreciate you describing her to a T. It allows my mom and my older sister and me to heal without guilt.
R/
Sharon
You are lucky that "normal" is the majority in your household. It was exactly the opposite in mine. My long deceased paternal grandparents and myself are the only "normal" people in that narc infested family, run by a covert narc "Queen" (mother) and her flying monkeys and minions (aka cult). I had to go No Contact 5 years ago, completely getting screwed out of my inheritance in order to keep my sanity and avoid being destitute or dead.
Your belief that "we were all treated equally" is highly narcissistic. Sounds like trauma. Narcissistic families always have a scapegoat.. sounds like she is yours.
@@muirgirl In my family we have a person like that, everyone hates on him and well he doesn't a lot of dumb and bad things though they have always treated him that way. For me I've tried to help him in the past however I got to the point where I had to just stop, things got really unhealthy for him.
@@muirgirl stop projecting your stuff on other people, get therapy you Narc!
I often have wondered what will happen when my ex husband passes. Who will she turn to. She has pushed the rest of us 1 sister and 2 brothers, a nephew and a 2 month old niece she has seen for 15 mintues.
My husband and I are blessed with 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren. Our oldest kids are totally fine, and we enjoy a lovely relationship with each of them and the grandchildren. However, our youngest daughter was diagnosed with adhd at age 12. As a teen she was extremely disrespectful to me, her mom. In her late 20’s she began to exhibit aberrant behaviors, eventually leading to a breakup with her long time boyfriend, loss of her job, and the loss of every single friend. She has also lost her relationship with her siblings constantly being verbally abusive. At this time, our daughter is 38. She cannot or will not keep a job. Most times she will procure a job, and then never begin it saying that the people are “ weird”, or somehow beneath her. She has a four year old son. We are taking care of our grandson so that he can have a roof, food, and a normal life. Which means we have to have our daughter in our home also. Our lives are a living hell, as every single day we are under attack. We have tried numerous psychiatrists, counselors and psychologists to no avail. She is diagnosed with BPD, but I see narcissistic symptoms too. I hope anyone out there going through similar situations can get the help they need. We see no way out of this. If we kick her out, the grandchild goes with her. We cannot put him in danger. Thanks Dr. grande for your. Idea. It helps to know we aren’t the only people going thru something like this.
I am a 55f who was severely emotionally abused by my covert narc mother & sister, and some of these signs also sound like things a scapegoat with Borderline Personality Disorder might exhibit due to fear of abandonment or a desperate need to be seen and validated.
Exactly and my classic narc mother sent this to me even though she created all the animosity shes the parent and is now facing the consequences of her actions.
I found it quite telling that a lot of mothers in the comments of this video blamed everything on their daughters. While we all have our own personalities and temperaments, narcissistic traits are very often learned behaviors. If the mother wasn't the narcissist (very possible), it was probably another adult in the family.
For example, my stepfather loves to complain that we children, even his own biological children (also now adults) are narcissists... because we don't want to see him or speak to him. That's not the case at all. We're now adults who are capable of deciding that we're done putting up with his bullshit. The only one of his children who is interested in playing the narcissistic abuse game is my sister, who was his "golden child" when we were growing up. Guess which one of my siblings also most blatantly displays narcissistic traits? Yep, that very same sister.
We couldn't escape his behavior as children, but as adults? We have opted to not engage. We're just not willing to subject our families to his abuse. Because he can't do his usual, abusive behaviors, he acts out and complains to anyone who will listen. Some people feel badly for him. If they stick around long enough? They start to see the narcissistic cycle with him, get sick of it, and leave.
I felt like I had a narcissistic mother and had been looking into it, but then I saw this video and thought "I better just check" and make sure I'm not the problem.
Thankfully, my resentment and anger may be the problem, but thankfully being a narcissistic daughter isn't one of them 😅
Interesting! I'm the parent in the situation and have had similar thoughts! However, my conclusion is that the fact that you and I both were willing to ask that question shows we're not. A narcissist wouldn't even consider the possibility.
@@Kristy_not_KristineI do not believe that to be true. I think they can look up narcissism, and ask if they themselves are narcissistic. But, the defining behaviour is that they either can not refine their thoughts, emotions and behaviour regardless of information they receive. And remember, there's a spectrum. You can only have an idea what area of the spectrum you are dealing with by the behaviour. Some will be fixed in that state, some others go through phases and others overcome but, through my observation and studies narcissism permeates throughtout society and is the essence of the current and dominant social paradigm. I could go on but maybe I've said enough. The last thing I'll say is many speak of it and yet many have no idea what they are speaking about. It's much deeper than society are led to believe and is essential for this current social paradigm to exist, thrive and advance. It also why they CAN NEVER be truthful about their assessments and truly tackle the issue while being transparent. It even goes into neurological conditions and the chemical- imbalance in the brain, deficiencies and dead nerves in the brain's nervous system, along with calcified pineals glands and the neurological conditions (pathologies) created from that. Then you realise how much institutions exploit society and actually incalcute mental illness into people. You actually feel sorry for humanity the more you study and have true realisations. The irony is it makes you love humanity more because you realise they are amazing creations that have no idea how amazing they are, and are abused because too many do not know, the most narcissistic of humanity make their duty to keep them immersed in ignorance.
@@Kristy_not_Kristine .. I agree with you.
A lot of narcissistic mothers sadly create daughters with NPD or borderline personality disorder... BPD have a resentment and a fear of abandonment
Thank you for addressing this issue. So much is written and talked about with being in romantic relationships, marriage, etc and very little is mentioned about seeing a narc as a child. Now that brain scans reveal a narc's brain looks differently than a non narc, it has given me a little relief from all the years of guilt of having a narc daughter. I hope other parents can find some comfort that this is not their fault and can get some help to move on with their lives, with or without the narc.
Wow. I did not know tests today show the brain looks different. I wish they were able to do this years ago, it would have saved me from having my life and marriage destroyed . I am so sorry Jan that you went through the pain I went through. No one in my whole family was like her. It was so painful, because I had no one to compare it to. I loved my Mom with all my heart just as she loved me. Then, to raise a child, teenager and have a grown up daughter, hate you and hurt you every way possible, was so so painful. For years and years, doctors and doctors, I was not given the answer as to what was wrong with her. I am so glad that today people can find out much sooner then I did what is wrong so it can save them from so much damage in their life.
Jan T, brain scans of people with Bipolar disorder are also different. Many of which have gone through emotional child abuse. Finally this is proof the abuse is real. For years my parents denied emotional abuse even existed, and to be abused a child had to be covered with black & blue bruises.
@@cathygray9092 I worry about my grandson who she uses as a pawn with me. I have to admit I will take whatever I get to spend time with him. We have a beautiful relationship. This last outburst that she had and kept cancelling days for me to take my grandson really has affected him. I took him out for breakfast this morning and when I dropped him off at the door.. I saw the hurt and confusion in his eyes- he wanted me to stay. So sad
Did your daughter get a diagnosis with a brain scan? If so, how did you or she organize that? What type of scan?
@@maryfarrell9439 it’s a study and you you would have to see a psychotherapist to arrange. If found you shall be guilty as parents as you will need to look into the root cause of how you’ve damaged the brain. Adults are a whole problem simple.
Dr., I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video in particular. My husband of 26 years has a daughter who is 37 and literally displays every sign you describe here for high-trait grandiose narcissism. She is gorgeous, a Hollywood stuntwoman and was once his pride and joy. She has hurt him so irrevocably in the past year, and it was all over the fact that my husband finally said “no more money.” This is a woman who owns two homes and makes well into six figures. She has never had a romantic relationship last longer than three months, and again, she is stunning. She must have the best of everything, and feels entitled to more. That’s one of many of the signs you described here...long story short, I sent this to him and it was a great comfort. I can see already that a weight has been lifted off him...he knows this wasn’t because he divorced their mom. He knows now that HE isn’t why she “needs therapy” as she says. Just..thank you. You made a difference in my family, and I think it’s important to tell people when they do good things. 🙏🏼❤️
I don't know. Maybe you're lying. Being gorgeous has nothing to do with narcissism. Sounds like you're a jealous narcissist yourself
Everything you’ve said is absolutely right, but I need to add one more thing that they lies for anything which makes them look bad!! I have 26 year old married daughter, she does have all these traits but I still love her. Seeing her like this is painful for me, I started to blame myself that maybe I love more my son! But when I look back in the past I did more for her than my son. My son is 30 year old, and I think she’ll do anything to ruin his relationship with his wife. May god help these kind of people 🙏 they take all the good energy out from you..it’s mentally tiring and exhausted for us. Please give us some advice:)
Talt..this behavior is simply EVIL. It needs to be called out for what it's. Instead of feeling bad for her, compassion should be focused on those she knowingly harms.
This video was very helpful to put a bunch of behaviors together; behaviors that were really specific. For most of my life I was baffled and disturbed by my sister’s behavior and it’s a relief to know that they fit a concrete framework. I feel sad for my sister for who she is and the struggles she has but I’m relieved to have no contact with her and I am ok with not having any contact for the next decade or more.
Thank you so much for this video. I did the best I could raising my daughter in a loving consistent manner. However, her father/ my husband is a highly intelligent covert narc, but I did not realize his narcissism until late. They now triangulate me, which is painful but something I’ve come to accept. Her dad was dismissive and rather cold to me; and this is now her behavior toward me. I was raised in a 7 person family by 2 narcissists, so that formed my tolerance for narcissistic behavior. Of the 5 siblings, only 1 brother and I did not become narcissists, and he married an extremely abusive woman, one of the most overt examples of narcissism I've ever witnessed. It’s all very sad to see this is the outcome of the people who should mean the most to me. Again, thank you so very much
That sounds rough so I am sorry you went through that. We were involved in a group where one of the families was run by a Narcissistic Mother (Nasty Bitch) and her generally nice husband (quiet man). Their eldest daughter was my friend until age 12 where suddenly she would be cold and ignore me at events. Next time she would be fine again, expecting me to pretend she hadn’t been rude. That evolved into her becoming very nasty like her mom. She accused me of things. Her mom accused me of things. Their goal seemed to be to try and publicly humiliate me in front of others. I was still under age 19 when last they went after me. I realized that it was because I was competing for top spot against her precious. I never wanted top spot but was good and was expected to compete and do my best. After that I ignored them. She went off to compete Nationally and did win one spot. Now she had a nice brother and sister. Always were less than the golden child to the mom! It was crazy! The brother’s girlfriend told me she had faked her way to win but then was nasty mean to all the competitors after winning and shocked everyone with her aggressive and nasty behavior. We bonded over her nastiness-LOL! Later she came back to my area and was given a job in the org I now worked in. She accused me of having an affair with my friend. I quickly Isolated and questioned the 4 people she had actually told and she had told each a totally different story but in each story I was sleeping with this married man (whose wife was also my friend). So now anytime someone told me they heard this gossip I outed her deviousness. She was acting entitled at work, not showing up for days on end and claiming other people’s work as her own, etc, etc so she got fired-LOL! She had by now pissed off half of the people in the whole area so she had to move cross country. Her mom kinda disappeared after so many bad mouthed her daughter justly. She just came up on my “suggested” list on facebook! LOL! Most of my friends in this culture I also have 50-80 mutual friends with, but it said mutuals 17-I died laughing. She made her own bed with her bad behavior and no one I know really wants to even be facebook friends? LOL! I guarantee you those 17 we have in common either don’t really know her or are willing victims to line up and take her abuse. Her brother and sister do not speak to her either in general, and avoid her company whenever they can! Once I dreamed I was attacking her in a restroom and that actually made me feel better because it gave me my power back over her and her mom mentally! I had always felt like a whipped dog around them always still seeking their approval! I don’t want their approval any more. I know I am a nice person and if someone doesn’t like me then it means THEY have a problem-not me.
So similar to my story..30years with my narcissist husband and a grown daughter sooo mean and hateful....very sweet in public heading away from these people...but hard to let go of my love for my daughter..hoping she will return it some day
I know you pain. I have the same situation. My boys are in tune to it all and do not tolerate it and have spoken to both of them. My ex will still invite them to events and leave me out - but the boys are attending less and less.
So what are you doing to break the cycle?
Thank you for this video! Raising my daughter has been a difficult and painful process of getting my heart broken over and over. I've reached a point where I know that she will reel me in by being nice and then reject me again. Now I know to leave some boundaries for my mental health and not to be fooled by temporary behavior
Narcissist description… most of these adult Children are Narcissist.
I know you are an evidence based practitioner and trauma is still not well studied, but I feel like you really left out the role of trauma and attachment in these behaviors and ways to help a younger daughter recover who is dealing with these issues.
Right
Totally agree totally!
He is always overlooking trauma, as well as structural violence. It's unethical.
I agree. I did a lot of these things however I was severely abused and have BPD. My mother has also played favourites my entire life and left me to my own devices. Trauma needs to be recognised in these situations.
@@edenhoneyy Trauma never excuses abusive behavior.
Keep your distance as much as possible. Just because you gave birth to them to them doesn't mean you have any obligation towards them. If you had friends who treat you bad you get rid of them, you have to do the same with children. Your job was to raise them and let them go out into the world and make something of themselves, no one deserves to be abused. Learn to stand up for yourself have self respect and 0 tolerance of Narcissism or better still walk away from it. There is no cure.
11: everything they tell you about others is meant to either make them look better or the others worse.
yes!
So damn true!!
Perfectly stated.
I have 5 kids, 2 stepdaughters and 3 adopted kids. All 5 have VERY high level narcissism and one has Antisocial Personality Disorder. It's been the most painful experience of my life. Feeling and knowing that you have zero worth to your kids, when you raised them in a wonderful, loving home...is painful beyond words. It's hard to get up in the morning when you feel so worthless to the ones you put all your love and energy into
All 5? All of them? Hmmm
@@kp8972 My thoughts exactly.
@@kp8972 Seems they don't know these disorders stem from childhood trauma or anything.
@@kp8972 Yes, it can happen. Sometimes the younger ones see how the older ones treat a parent and learn to be hateful narcissists too.
@@tld7846 Ok, Mathematical probability might have something different to say about that. If everyone around you is crazy then are they really crazy or do you need to rethink yourself?
I'm soooo glad my 16 year old is outgrowing her narcissistic traits. I was extremely worried for a while. Still a little concerned but she's been showing empathy and concern for me lately. That is huge!
Just make sure it's authentic and not dark empathy. I thought the same with my 16 year old because she got something from me. Then at 17 going on 18 she turned on me and cut me off.
I battled with my daughter 15 years. She’s definitely trying to be a better daughter and I’m trying to be a better mom but I’m not sure we’re going to make it.
@@whodoneitbr549 what is dark empathy?
@@shellh.5193 it is false empathy to manipulate. Mine woukd tell me I'm the best mom in the world and now she cut me off as soon as she left home. Discarded me like trash when I told her I'm no longer supporting her because her dad is responsible for college per our divorce decree
@@whodoneitbr549 yeah she definitely can be manipulative
Narcissistic Parental Alienation...it started when my children were very young. After 25 years of marriage my narc husbnd and I divorced. He now has my 4 children and 5 grandchildren.
My childten hate me...I am not alowed to see my grandchildren.
Unbelievable pain!
Sorry for your loss
Because it is a loss
It's grieving a child that is still alive and many don't understand that
Your husband probably turned them against you.
As a mother of a 38 year narcissistic daughter almost all the traits you described apply to her. It’s been very difficult to deal with her behavior for the past 28 years. Luckily I have a great psychologist to help me deal with her and narcissistic father.
I have had trouble finding therapist that really understand narcissistic people because there is so little data. They are never at fault, why would they go to therapy and even if they did they would lie because there is nothing wrong with them.
Right there with you and it sucks..
Father was the abuser and I'm the scapegoat as I am 10 years younger than him and seen/treated as another child...despite being a mother to 5 and almost 40 🙄
I recognize myself in the many of examples of narcissistic daughter from this video. Despite that from my perspective my reactions were reasonable to that situations . I was frustrated child whose needs were ignored. I saw that different attitude toward my brother and me. He would get want he wanted while I would't. If I was forced to clean my room I would argue that their room as much as the rest of the house is absolute mess, I would see it as double standards and unfair treatment. My extended family is closer to me and I have much better relationships with my mother in low. I don't think if I have my own children I would let my parents to spend time with them as yes I think that my parents treated me badly. I can be cruel toward parents sometimes (even now I am barely communicate with them) and it's reflection of what I got from them... even nearly a revenge. It was a lot of emotional abuse, physical abuse and threats of physical abuse, a lot of neglect. But I won't surprise if my parents think that they are good parents after all. I don't know if I am narcissistic or not but I don't believe narcissistic kids happen in healthy family's.
Tatiana McGarry
Left home when i was 14 years old. The eldest among 9 siblings! I wanted to not connect with them because of my disgust towards my mother from exposing me and my siblings to emotional and mental abuse!
Childhood trauma and abuse cannot be erased. All we can do is forgive our parents which i did but haven't told told my mother that i have forgiven her. She is an OVErt Narcissist! Should i tell her that i have forgiven her?...i worry because it might open a can of worms of her misbehavior which she ( mother is now 83 y/o but still lucid and aware) thought i was not aware of.
If i do this i might think that i am Narcissistic because im too focused on my experience growing up. Think 7-14 yrs old
I felt the same as you, even now I feel a difference between the way my parents treat my little sister and me. Thank God my relationship with her is very good, but while I was little I felt a lot of envy towards her :( . I had 2 boyfriends and both their mothers seem to be more happy to see me than my mother ever was, with respect of the effort they put in the relation, the kind way they speak with me. I might have been a narcissistic child and teenager, but now that I grown I feel that I react differently towards my parents(their attitude is worse: try to control me although I am a normal adult and get very angry when I don't do what they want - even for little insignificant things). I am less angry, I expect less from them, I know the situation won't get better. I try to understand that my parents were also neglected as children. So the abuse was just passed from a generation to another. Take care of yourself, try to get rid of the anger in your heart and try to be happy. It is what it is
iuliqt Very good advice in your last sentences. Get rid of the anger in your heart, it will eat you alive. Trying to figure it all out can drive you crazy. It is what it is. So true. It’s like a complicated web.
These signs of narcissism are specific to a daughter raised in a healthy home by healthy parents. Absent those circumstances, Dr Grande said it could be an indication of any number of things.
If you’re worried that you’re a narcissist because you don’t want to hurt the people close to you, then you’re not one because narcissists literally have no empathy.
@@auroramichael1110 abusive parents think they're healthy parents too
Good info. A book that helped me cope with the rejection of my daughter is called Done with the Crying, by Sheri McGregor. The unreasonable demands, false accusations and punishing contempt, no matter how hard you try, and their glee in your pain, are confusing and devastating. My daughter was corrupted from a young age by my covert narcissistic mother who made a golden child of her, favouring her highly above her sisters with gifts, praise and overseas trips that none of the others received. I was the scapegoat and didn't know what was going on.
Thank you, hope you are doing well.
@@juneyshu6197 yes thanks. Removing oneself from unkind people helps one heal. Radical acceptance freed me from false hopes.
I have that book on Kindle.
A lot of what you say sounds like my adult daughter. I've had to move 3 states away and start my life over from scratch after she threw me out of what was supposed to be my forever home, at 73. I've regained my feet, and I'm getting my life together. Gone total no contact. Turned down calls from the flying monkeys. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Having a little dog helps. May God bless us all through this time of life. ❤
@@TreasureDeal how painful. Peace and courage to you. Yes, as you say, we need God’s help and He can give it! Yeshua/Jesus has been my Strength and Shield. The Bible has a lot to say about narcissistic behaviour, in Proverbs, and in Yeshua’s responses to bullies (sometimes replying, sometimes staying silent, sometimes leaving, praying for them but not trusting them). Do you watch Dr Les Carter’s videos? He’s a great teacher. Sounds as though you have good personal boundaries, but I learned a lot from Lisa Terkeurst’s book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. I hope you have some people who know you and love you, as well as your dear dog.
I was always so focused on the fact that my father matches to most of a narcissist’s behaviours, I never considered that I could be a narcissist… Now I’m starting to realise I match 90% of these traits. Dr. Grande, thank you for the insight, it certainly made me thinking.
You're describing my sister Dr .Grande good video !
I recall a red flag for family narcissism: I am the scapegoat who left home very early and later was invited to visit my parents and sister for a couple of days I was in my mid 20’s. I noticed something yet I did not yet know about narcissism. My mother had a living room furniture set and I said “Mom? I had no idea that you liked Southwest Style” (I knew she liked simple Scandinavian Style). She replied to my amazement that my sister and father had went out and purchased the furniture. It never occurred to my sister (3 years younger then me) or my father to take to take Mom shopping or to ask the lady of the house about her furniture preferences. My sweet mom said she was ok with the new furnishings. I was shocked that my dad and sister were oblivious to Mom and her furniture preferences. I dropped the subject and never spoke of it until now.
It seems to me like you are mostly focusing on a narcissistic daughter as a product of a home where any sort of grudge or resentment towards the parents is unfounded. However, with my experience and knowledge with narcissism, often there is a history of abuse or disordered personality in the home and family. How can one separate an individual who is narcissistic due to genuine trauma because there was a narcissistic parent or dysfunctional family system from an individual who is a pure narcissist and became that way on their own?
Shaela Izquierdo exactly
Yes, I was a little confused there, too.
My assumption has always been that it takes narcissistic parents to "create" a narcissistic child, and that capable, conscientious parents are usually rewarded with healthy- minded children.
SHAELA IZQUIERDO: Based on your comment, it must truly be confusing for you to understand.... however, my daughter was born narcissistic and never treated me with kindness. Ever. Period.
Dr. Grande exactly explains with precision how her behavior truly was and still is to this day. Year after year, I thought she would change. Close friends and family would make comments such as, "why does she think she's so entitled," and also would ask her directly as to how she could talk to her mother in that manner. I defended her behavior over and over again. She was never abused and I am not a product of an abusive family. I taught her to be kind, say please and thank you. My heart breaks to this day as to how many years I remained hopeful...each and every year brought more and more heartbreak. Although you don't know me personally, and owe you no explanation whatsoever,, please know that my situation is more common than you would think. I didn't realize all this until about 4 years ago when she became totally estranged from me. It's been extremely emotional for me to admit to the universe the behaviors of my daughter since birth. People want to always place blame on the parents or their environment, or, as you said "genetics." I raised her the best I could with what we had and always treated her with love. She never, ever even hugged me once. I know this is hard to imagine, but it's true. And it's painful writing this. I've been researching this topic for 4 years.....SO MANY PARENTS have had the same experiences and heartbreak.
@@LauraVee63 I should have been more clear that I know that narcissism can come about even when the child is from a loving home with no abuse. I only meant to highlight that it might be hard to differentiate between those two types of narcissists (made and born) based on the signs in the video. My heart goes out to you for your situation, I can't imagine how scary and devastating it would be to have a child like that and be powerless to change their situation. Thanks for your reply.
Shaela Izquierdo
my thoughts exactly
The narcissism in my daughter has not dropped at all. I have learned to interact with her by not giving advice as she takes that as criticism. I will say somethng like "with your good intellect you can manage this". I don't believe she will change. She's never been directable. She's been like she is from an early age. I no longer blame myself.
Such a good topic to not often talked about. A parent(s) who has an ill-willed child suffers and grieves. Not much support out here or online. Glad for more awareness.
to have a harmonious relationship with an adult narcissistic child you really need to allow it to be one-sided & just "get along". always do thoughtful things for them & offer support but never reach out for care or support, it won't happen.
You are a very brave and patient mom. I just had to stop feeling as if I was a failure mother. My other children have been identified from others as exceptional - I will never understand. I treated them all the same.
Okay. I won’t offer any more. But I will always be here. Thank you. This hurts so much 😭😭😭😔
Sarah J--
I love knowing I am not alone! This is exactly how I've been navigating my relationships with my three daughters.
Sending hugs.
Sarah j, I really wish someone would have told me this before, I have a chronic illness and am 1.5 yrs 3 consecutive surgeries and now handicapped and in a wheelchair due to an accident at 59 and my grown daughter is a narcissist and always has been but I still love her and expected some help, support or care from her when it didn't happen despite many promises at least 1 day a week was too much although she doesn't even work I became extremely critical to furious calling her every name in the book ( to a young woman that has only received praise for doing nothing but being pretty ) That was her perfect chance to play victim of an abusive yelling cursing father and forever abandon me, who before this has never raised my voice to her. Now i will never hear her voice, we can never just get along - shes blocked my phone and wont answer my messages please continue to give your advice Sarah - do not expect anything in return even if its your own only daughter. only blood relative you've gave everything in your life for to not expect anything back not an ounce of help or a single penny in charity because you are right it will never happen even on your death bed. they truly only know how to take and only give to get.
@@suomi5454 I know 😞 my heart is breaking because know that pain you are describing. All I can tell you is it does get better. It’s your turn, put your focus on you. Read, color in coloring books, go water the plants, take a swim class with some other ppl your age, change your diet, go play in the kitchen, practice cooking at home, it does get better.
I searched for this because my daughter is upset with me so she’s cut off contact with my young granddaughter too. As long as I come to her and help her when she needs a babysitter, buy her things she tells me she needs, or give only positive feedback, her attitude toward me is good. But, boy… step out of line and say something she doesn’t want to hear and… look out. I’m just sick with grief over the loss of my relationship with my two-year-old granddaughter.
Hi Susie, how's your day going with you?
This breaks my heart for you. I hope you are on the path to healing. Please give an update. ❤
I watched this today and it helped me so much. My 33 year old daughter has been like this since she was little. Diagnosed with ADHD at age 7, she also cut (self harm) and has trich. Every topic Dr. Grande discussed is her spot on! She continues to trample on my heart, but never is accountable. Her stunt two weeks ago was enough again. For my own health (acute stroke survivor) I need to let it go and be away from her!
@harley8680 you went no contact?
Yup she disses on mom- claims my husband and then told him she hates me and wants him to leave me. She also controls her abused boyfriend. He is from an awful home, she has him wrapped around her. I pray for him and her too. That all can be brought to light to help both.
This is such an eye opener., but it makes me so sad 😭 because I am noticing some of these traits in my daughter. I am relieved but not happy , that other people have similar issues with their own daughters. I had no idea about this kind of thing because my dear mother was my best friend and I had nothing but total admiration and respect for her. I feel so discouraged .
Tragically, this is my daughter in all ten of the issues that you have mentioned. I’m in tears. I love my daughter and I have had to put defensive walls in place for self preservation. My granddaughter is now eight years old and we are very close. My daughter has now been holding her in what I call emotional blackmail. It’s tragic for both of us because my granddaughter loves me too. She will never go against her mother because she is her primary caregiver and that would be emotional suicide. I never want her to be in that position. I am worried about what will happen to her. She is a remarkable person. I’ve come to her defense on a number of occasions. Her mother called her a monster in anger and I had to intervene because she is in no way shape or form anything that resembles a monster. She is a child who has been struggling with parents that have been dysfunctional for years and finally got a divorce. They haven’t bothered to get her therapy. It’s horrible. They are abusive to each other. My daughter wanted me around for six months as she got settled in her new home. Going from one man to another. She would leave in the night to a different man every week. After six months she met someone more like her ex husband. She broke up with me around Christmas time and wanted to make up a couple months later. Of course I went alone with it, as always. She told me how wonderful he is. He cooks for her. I told her I would be cautiously optimistic about it. Doesn’t he cook for himself and his children already? Yes. Ok. Then she said tmi, but intimacy has always been gentle until he got a foot cramp, I asked him if he was ok? Instead of answering, “he took me very aggressively, it was like being assaulted”. “He apologized after, it only happened once.” This happened after being together less than two months. My daughter has been out of a 15 year marriage with a narcissist, physically, emotionally abused. Less than 6 months and she is with this man. I told her that I think she should go slow. All relationships look great when they’re new. This person has a law degree, he has a psychology degree and he is an investigative journalist. His mother is a psychologist. He collects alimony,(soon to expire, and child support), from his previous marriage. My daughter has a masters degree, she is a teacher. She owns her own house that my dad helped her purchase. She refused to listen to me. I know nothing. I’m negative when I say that I am cautiously optimistic about him. Now I can’t see or speak with my granddaughter. She has a replacement, a retired teacher. She tried to play her dad off of me and he for the first time would not allow it. She freaked out. Blaming me. It’s not me, honestly. She literally went crazy on the both of us. The crazy thing of all of this is that my daughter is in therapy. How is her therapist not seeing this? How can she not realize what is going on? I asked her to recommend us for help. My daughter said that the therapist would not refer because I would turn it all on my daughter?! What? I have taken responsibility for any and all mistakes I have made to the point that I can barely hold my head up. My husband says that I was a much better mother than I am ever giving myself credit for. My daughter is almost 38 years old. I’ve been trying to help her with everything for the past 25 years. All I want now is to move forward, find joy, love and peace in the now and future. Quit being in the past. It’s weird that whenever I have brought home movies for our granddaughter and her friends to see she shuts us down. Refusing to allow any of it to be shown. That was a loving happy home. I know that I wasn’t perfect, God knows that I have my regrets, don’t we all? I was severely abused as a child. I know that I raised her free from abuse, she knows that as well. God forbid. I spent 15 years in therapy during her childhood so I wouldn’t make any major mistakes. I tried and loved her hard. My favorite teacher was Rudyard Kiplings the Jungle Book. Thank you for your time in this. How I wish there was something that I could do.
So helpful, this video answers so many questions right down to the pitching one parent against another, to the ‘eye on the inheritance’ of the parent they think will die first, to the estrangement with the other parent, but so important is the info on how heart breaking this can be for the estranged parent who feels helpless but still holds unconditional love. Thank you. 🙏
How right you are. I have a daughter with everything you said. I have been through a lots. In her mind she is a victim. She smear campaigned about me, when no one believed her, she cut everyone off ( cousins, aunties and everyone, she has no friend). She got married with no friend and family around. She brought strangers from overseas to be part at her wedding. Put it simply she hates me because I stood up to her. She adored her late father
Mine wasn't a narcissist, thank goodness. Thank you, Dr Grande.
Thank you. This describes my daughter. My relationship with her is pretty much over. I've wondered if she's narcissistic or sociopath, maybe both.
Me too I have same issues and my daughter is only 11
@@jonstein9581 my heart breaks for you. I began raising my niece at the age of two after my sister passed, she is now 17 and I have provided her a very good life on my own. Her father was in and out of her life, never wanted to raise her but constantly accused me of “stealing” his child so I definitely believe he also has NPD. My niece began getting into trouble in 1st grade until now with even being expelled twice. She never takes accountability for her actions it’s always everyone else’s fault. When I would punish her she would gaslight me saying that I hate her and I’m over-exaggerating and that I want her to be miserable. She is a pathological liar, disrespectful, sneaky, and refuses to follow rules. If I tell her she’s lazy, irresponsible, or refuses to take responsibility for her actions she literally says that I’m trying to break her down and I’m verbally abusing her. She recently began severely abusing drugs (more than marijuana). Any time she’s caught she calls me invasive even though she’s constantly disrespecting my home and lied and says she’s going to stop. I’ve been trying to get her to go to therapy since she was about 13/14 and she always refused and once she eventually realizes she has no choice she will just spend the whole session speaking about herself and how great everything is. She began working at 16 and repeatedly quits jobs due them being “rude” or “mean” but I know it’s because she doesn’t like authority. She also quit every extracurricular activity she’s done such as band and basketball due to them being “mean”. She has this one friend that she’s doing drugs hard with and has alienated her other friends that don’t do drugs. Mind you she’s 17. I gave her an ultimatum the other day and she decided to leave my home. Now she’s telling everyone that I kicked her out and I’m the sole reason that she does drugs because I made her life so terrible. She has a sister that is 1 year older that I also raised but she came with me a few years later and at the age of 10 the narcissist would tell the 11 yr old that her coming ruined her perfect life and everything is her fault. Then she would tell me that I love her sister more and treat her better anytime she would get in trouble for anything. I love her and I hope she can see her ways and make a change but I can no longer deal with her. Because she is a minor if she comes back I will allow her in but I have taken everything out of her room but the bed and her clothes. She will no longer have any privacy because she can’t be trusted and unfortunately the second she turns 18 she has to leave. Which of course she will say it’s because I hate her because I didn’t make her sister leave at 18. I wish I knew then what I know now. Try to get her into a behavioral health program and if they refuse to diagnose her insist or take her to somewhere else. Make your boundaries clear and don’t allow her to make you feel bad as if you’re a bad parent or have done something wrong. They will try to distort what happened and make you question yourself. I would also suggest limiting or even completely preventing them from being on social media as I also found this allows them to have a distorted perception of reality and fuels their false personality
My Daughter is only Narcissistic towards me, ever since her father and I divorced. The symptoms you describe are just being a teenager and usually grow out of it. But my daughter is now 41, married and with two children of her own, and she favours her father. She was not abused, and was very much loved. But I believe her Dad turned her against me since his pride was hurt because I left him.
She’s not narcissistic toward you she’s angry at you for doing the wrong thing she feels. That is not narcissism, that is called anger
Sounds exactly like my story sad sad
Your daughter is angry with you. Understandably so, because you're trying to diagnose her on your own condition.
Narcissistic Parental Alienation...My ex started manipulating the children early in their lives.
It's heartbreaking.
Mine did the same. He is now deceased and I can't compete with a dead Saint. He was abusive when she was young, but weaseled his way back in and he helped alienate her. So sad.
Thank you Dr. Grande! I read most of the comments, and I would like to share some hope. I've struggled for 30 years with a narcissistic daughter, now, only recently, has she started to change for the better. It was a combination of intense work and intense prayer and fortuitous circumstances CHANGE IS HAPPENING! And CAN happen. It is an incredible relief. I just wanted to share this, it's not all negative, people can change and they do change, with love and a lot of wisdom and patience.
I'd love an update on this. Did she just Hoover you back in and hurt/use you again?
Thanks! Great video. I’m 34 and my oldest child is 11, with people my age I sometimes see the “it’s my time now” and the salivating over inheritance. I find this gross and shocking. I am sure it would be heartbreaking to lose a child to narcissism.
We usually hear about narcissism in parents from the adult child’s perspective, but is just as likely to be in your adult kids.
Moreover, one woman that I went to college with was very narcissistic. One thing was that she honestly believed that she deserved the sexiest man possible, and would tell me that she was in a relationship with young men. When I would ask the men, they would tell a different story that she was targeting/stalking them, and they didn’t want to be around her. She is a person online who is constantly accusing her parents of narcissism. It must be a difficult job when narcissistic people are so unreliable in their narrative.
Wow! Is it my daughter? She writes online about me & acts like she is free & easy.
I had to remove my presence from Facebook due to the purposeful misrepresentation of me by my daughter and the people she had enrolled in her evil, altered version of my mothering. She made sure I got bashed, bullied, and humiliated if I expressed anything affectionate about her or our family. Yes: They target you forever. And misrepresent. Loudly.
Thank you so much for you insight. It will help me to understand my daughter better and why we have the love/hate relationship we've always had.
This is spot on . it's sad and hard because I love my daughter and it breaks my heart into a million pieces when she treats me so poorly .
You are definitely not alone!!!
I am heart broken. Devastated. So much effort put to be there for her. I am divorced. Stopped dating. Stayed to be supportive to her and mother. I am so miserable. Can't be near her anymore. Deeply depressed right now. I needed to hear this today.
My partner's child (9yrs old), who will soon become my step-child, was terribly abused and then abandoned by their narcissistic mother. They have been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD from it, but their newest psych suspects BPD (which can't be diagnosed until 18 unfortunately) and I highly suspect NPD, as they meet every single marker listed and then some. I will absolutely be following this content creator from now on in addition to the many other PsyD's and MD's we follow. This content is SO VALIDATING and I just keep finding my eyes getting wider and wider with each video. Thank you for sharing this!!!
So much of what was said on this video rings true for my daughter and it kills me to say that. I love her so much, wanted her so much, wanted that mother/daughter relationship that I never had because my mother passed when I was 5. I’m not perfect, by any means...a multitude of faults. I have been so tripped up that I started researching whether I’m the narcissist. Like, I don’t know, am I? Am I truly all that I’ve been accused of and don’t know? That would make me so mentally sick. But I know on my heart, it’s not true. It’s a mental game and when it’s with one you love, would die for in a heart beat? It’s just awful.
I have the same situation with my daughter. It did not come out until her early twenties and it was as if she shut a door in my face. I lost my mom when I was 20. I have gone above and beyond and have been recognized for the great mom I have been to all of my children. It took 8 years of tears, loneliness, silence and self reflections but I know that she is not well. She has been caught in public with the way she treats me. She became more careless just recently and now my other children understand what she has put me through as her scapegoat.
Does anyone have a situation where they are able to have a relationship with their narc daughter?? Please let me know how.
Me too
I’m glad you mentioned ADHD as one of the behaviours because I know personally I am not narcissistic.. however I do remember as a kid always wanting to show my mom and a few others how I could swim or do a cart wheel etc and wanted of course for them to praise me … but that was just a need for self worth more so than needing to be better or the best at something …
Didnt many children do that at some extend. I did that too. Not a lot but sometimes. Especially because I had an older sister that was very good at drawing and everyone always looked at her.
Don't most children go through the 'Look at meee' phase?
OMG @amg8497 I nearly drowned twice trying to show off that I knew how to swim (so I was told) and remember spending hours trying to perfect my cartwheel and handstands, lol.
I did some of those things growing up but had a very dysfunctional upbringing. Lots of trauma and tragedy. Could write volumes honestly. I believe that people who examine their own behavior are generally more likely to be mentally healthy than those who don’t. That has been my observation. Like does a crazy person wonder if they’re crazy? From what I’ve seen in both my personal and professional experience most often people are not aware of their ineffective coping strategies. Which I believe is most of what dysfunctional behavior is - ineffective coping.
The first thought when I saw this video is that my mother will use it against my sisters. It has taken many years and many cruelties that she committed against various family members for me to finally realize she is a malignant narcissist, and has artfully presented others in the family as the problem. She's persuasive and very good at presenting herself as a humble, wonderful Christian mother who is only concerned about others. For a long time I believed her sad tales about others in the family, and thought she needed defending and help. I cringe now to think of the times that I tried to address the others as the problem. I'm in the process of acknowledging this to the others and apologizing for believing the stories about them. Also for not letting them know the things that she was saying so that they could defend themselves. Some of the stories that she told about them were so gross and implied sexual acts so it wasn't something that you could bring up, and she told the stories so convincingly that it was impossible not to believe that it was exactly as she had said, and that she was only innocently relaying honest observations. Especially because after relaying these supposed observations, she would then pretend to be the one defending the person. So it increased your disgust for the other person and your admiration for her. I have finally understood that she has literally no remorse, is addicted to always having an enemy and sympathizers, and will say and do anything to make others look bad and herself look good.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m living a life like that too. Or did
You just described my two elder sisters. My husband, and my therapists have all said they are narcissists. The jealously they have, all these years later, is soul crushing. One sister accused me of becoming pregnant because “You knew I was trying!” What? The other sibling is the most heinous. She kept track of everything I received from our parents and grandma, that SHE never got. (The other sister kept track of that, too, but also added up how many nice things she did for me). The nastiest is probably when I graduated from university. My dad gave me a kiss. This sister was furious, and always brought it up. “Dad gave YOU a kiss, but he never kissed me!” This sister was horrible at my wedding. I could go on, but I won’t. 😢
Hi Judy, how's your day going with you?
I hear you. Gone through same from my half-siblings! i say gone because as soon as i learnt what it was it never bothered me.
Dr. Grande- I've always associated narcissism with a lack of empathy that is a result of certain dynamics of parenting. I'm having a hard time reconciling that "good parenting" will precipitate the behavior you refer to. No parent is perfect, but there needs to be a role and some responsibility for the parent, and I'm eager to know how you view that.
1 I am the mother of a 33 year old narcissistic woman..
I was always a very kind sweet and supportive mother.. I was never abusive neither physical nor emotional..
My daughter seem like the perfect child up until she was 19 years old..
She married and had children and every single year she gets worse and worse she is disrespectful she is I hate to say the word but she is evil it is a very very sad situation
@@winterblossom4446 Bonnie thank God you have other children XOXO I only have one child and she is evil disrespectful right now she's giving me the silent treatment and she will not let me see my grandchildren
@@winterblossom4446 Bonnie I just seen your comment about how evil your son is wow he needs some serious help... I will keep you in my prayers I hope your son gets the help he so desperately needs
@44JesusIsLord44 thank you for referring to God's Holy Word. It has blessed me and helped me to see more clearly my lifelong plight with my narcissistic daughter.
@@wisdomfromgeorge1704a narcissist will never get help. No self reflection at all. My daughter has even tried to make it a 'Court Order' that I, as her children's grandma not be allowed to see those 3 children.
I love your informative videos. I have a narcissistic sister and I was on the receiving end of her hate jealousy etc. She is obsessed with my mum and persistently fights in the ways you mentioned in this video. She is 36 and has got worse with age.
I felt like I was the crazy one as no one saw her nasty side. I believe her to be a covert narcissist.
That explains so much of both my daughters' behaviors. They exhibited every characteristic and behavior on the list. Now I feel justified in ending both relationships after years of trying to make it work. All that did was give them more opportunities to stab me in the heart. Thank you for enlightening many of us who are wrestling with this situation and experiecing a lot of self-doubt about our parenting. We can learn to live happy, fulfilling lives without this constant cloud over our heads.
It is hard for me to understand how you have a narcissistic daughter unless one of the parents also had narcissistic qualities, but maybe that is just my experience speaking. You can see a direct correlation running through my family for several generations unfortunately. I am glad that I score fairly low on narcissistic qualities when I have been tested, although I score really high on avoidant qualities and have major ptsd from the abuse. I definitely have some of the fear of abandonment issues of bpd as well, but I internalize rather than externalize them through acting out behaviors.
I relate to everything you wrote.
They could inherit it from up the family tree.
You do realize kids spend more time at school and with friends than their parents, so of course they can be taught to be narcissist from outside the home.
It is generational in my case - mom, sisters and now daughter. Very soul crushing to a highly sensitive person. Yoga and meditation help tremendously in keeping me in the present moment. The voice in my head (ego) is constantly in fight or flight mode. Working on it.....
@@marypaulosky2214same here!! HSP, with narcissistic aunt, sister, adult daughter. Traumatic and incredibly devastating.
Thank you for this video. It confirms my choice for not having children was right. Seems like there is a million way a child ends up being bad, and only a few ways being good. Was never willing to take that chance considering the odds.
In defense of our choice for offspring:
It’s a lonely life without children.
Families are the strongest shelter from the outside world.
For whatever bitterness they might bring later in life, their miraculous birth is the experience of pure and absolute joy, nothing like it.
To rationally avoid love for it may brings trouble (and it will, it’s normal) is like saying I just want to observe others living, but will not take a plunge myself.
why yes. Yes I am binge watching Dr. Grande's videos while having wine. Fascinating as always!!!
Truth is we can comment on & on about the pains of having disrespectful children who hurt & betray us but it still leaves a void or pain in your heart to feel you gave birth to an rival or enemy. In this season lets Pray that God gives us and them the peace to either reconcile or move forward without them in PEACE
This is so fascinating to me. Thanks so much for all the great info. Love the shirt and tie combo. You look great.
Second that and yes nice colours .
I had married a malignant narcissist who not only mentally and emotionally abused me, he also did it to my daughters. He told my children that I was useless and at about the time of middle school they were repeating what he said to me. I was able to squelch that behavior quickly. Either than that I sometimes see a bit of narcissism in them.
This is very validating. I have suffered much guilt, feeling that I have caused my daughter to be like she is; I certainly was not a perfect parent and made many mistakes, however, even as a baby my daughter was extremely difficult in every way and much more demanding than average. She was constantly cuddled and breast fed until she was 2, but it still wasn't enough.I do wonder if some people are just born with these traits, making them very difficult to parent, and then the parents get blamed, like I was.
44JesusIsLord44 sorry, my daughter is not wicked. Just lost at the moment. Please, if you are inclined to post versus from the Bible, post uplifting as opposed to things which will only make parents feel (or think) their child is ‘wicked’ thanks and my the Lord bless you and keep you in his countenance.
Dianne, I heard a doctor on u tube, who has experience with this for about 40 years. She said the signs are there by age two. I agree, from my own experience.
Thank you so much for this very informative video. You described my oldest daughter to a tee. Her father was diagnosed Malignant Narcissist by 11 psychiatrists as an in patient facility. He also molested her, parent-ified her and demonized me. You gave me validation and for I that I am grateful. Thanks to you, I realize my daughter came from a long line of NPD and it is not my fault.