Stop Telling Yourself Stories That Hurt You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มี.ค. 2024
- The majority of the emotional stress people experience is self-induced. The good news is, this can also be managed fairly easily.
There are 2 specific factors to emotional stress, objective and subjective. Basically, there are things that happen to you, and then there are the ways you interpret what happen to you.
You cannot remove all emotional pain from your life, but you can significantly decrease it. I'm showing you how
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But I do care.
Mark Twain said, "The worst things in my life never happened to me."
He also said eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing could possibly go worse.
Montaigne said that too
The bible-What the wicked fear will fall upon them..
@@christian84553 Ask the French about frogs.?? They turned them into a delicacy. So maybe just maybe he was onto something ,lol.
@@unclewazza777
Ahh money
In short, "don't turn a feeling into a story".
Don't turn a THOUGHT into a story. ?
@@marlenechicoine4005 I think the feelings precede the thoughts, but they're less accessible/pre-cognitive/out of awareness, so the brain tries to deal with them by turning them into ruminations or stories.
Our brain can really form narratives
But that's how I cope
If we don't have a story it means we will not do the introspection and we will avoid something. This is a symptom of narcissism.
We'd better say "don't turn a feeling into a BAD story".
We suffer more in imagination than in reality. --Seneca
Love this!! ❤❤👍👍👍
@@user-im8xw6xh1l some suffer more in reality than imagination
No, I actually suffer more in reality... that's why I daydream
Bullshit. I never imagine being beaten and strangled by my husband.
That's so naive and unrealistic 😂
I heard it said, 'Don't believe everything you think.' 😮
The bible and other philosophical teachings say that you must bring you thought life into captivity. Because your mind has a will of its own. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
That’s wrong. Validate everything you think
@@atheistbewildered2987 What principles are you validating you thoughts on.???
Sure, gaslight yourself.
But then again I did lie to myself by thinking people liked me as much as I liked them or hard work and honesty will earn me respect.
@@sparklemotion8377 oh dear, giving up did me no good too you know?
Guess what the gaslighting you did to yourself is better than me saying "Dude you are a failure just stop trying"
I think it's a better approach to life just not trusting the thoughts of the brain.
But hardworking, honesty and being a good human being as a recipe to live a life? Hell yeah.
Keep your head up!
The worst thing is when we not only believe the stories we tell ourselves and make ourselves feel worse but when they become our identities and we don't know who we are without them. Then healing becomes a real challenge.
Is that like when feeling good and positive is a foreign feeling.??
And then we actually reinforce those stories through our behavior and choices
And this is exactly where I am
@@juggles5474 It takes approx 28 days to form a habit that can last a life time. Evern if you break the physical habit it can take another 30 days to break the physiological habit. but if that habit has been linked to dopamine response.?? up to a year to reprogram and replace with positive habits. And for a lot of guys doing it by themselves, that's a up hill battle.
But it's possible! ❤
I'm so depressed. I have no one. I need to move from a toxic living situation but I have financial anxiety about doing that. And so depressed its so hard to function. No one to be there for me.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low with depression. Perhaps reach out to someone like a Doctor. Or Get a referral to Counsellor. I do hope you receive the help you need to start feeling better and able to cope with your problem.Best wishes xx
@gazelle3635 you couldn't have said it better. I'm in the same situation. It IS my fault. I made my bed and now I have to live in it. I want a magic wand. 😢
@@koskap35if u don't have financial means and you are older there are not as many choices.
I'd LOVE to know what I "did wrong?!" I'm 53 years-old. I had a nice life until I got long haul Covid and had to move in with my parents. My father and I don't get along. Three years ago he started recording me on my phone. Just 'cuz. One day I tried to grab the phone out of his hand and my fingernail scratched him, making him BARELY bleed. He actually called the police on me. Since he's 77 years-old they deemed it ELDER ABUSE. I've been going to court now for THREE YEARS. I can't find a job. I can't even volunteer anywhere. So now I'm literally STUCK living with him.... can't find work. Have no money. My car just died on me. I've had depression and anxiety my whole life. This isn't making it better and I'm at a loss...
Same, friends! I’m stuck in a very toxic situation. Had to move back to my narcissistic mother and enabler of a dad bc of being BROKE! I literally considered going into prostitution so I don’t have to go back to the birth place of all my traumas but then I was like: yeah no. It’s so unfair that money controls our lives and influences our destiny. There are solutions but they are not the ones we would like. I guess the first step to get out of that 💩 is to first find a job where we are, even if it’s flipping burgers 12 hours a day. And find ways to cope with the stuff that makes us feel good (for me it’s music and watching musicals). You’ll feel so much better if you just leave the house during the day!!! Toxicity is like a rampant fungus. The more you’re around, the more it grows on you. And in you!!!
These videos have done more for me than therapy ever did.
I hope that these videos truly help you. For me though I'm currently doing ACT treatment with the VA and my therapist is the best I've ever had and I have more hope today than ever. I find these and other videos are a supplement for me during this time in therapy and I think they'll continue in that role post therapy. My point here isn't to argue with you but to say find what works for you and keep searching for your path to healing. I like these videos too and it's no surprise to hear others out there like and find them helpful as well. I'm feeling hopeful this morning and I hope you're feeling good and wish you well on your continued healing.
@@dalejones9150 that's great! I'm glad things are working out for you and that your mental health is improving.
@@dalejones9150 Many don't because like myself they feel its to late and they are to old. I don't know how you do it bro. I get on edge and dangerous when talking about the past and personal issues. For me that's up close and personal. Knife fighting territory.
Every therapist is different. This one always makes a lot of sense to me in ways that others haven't. It's just the luck of the draw.
@@unclewazza777I can assure you that there are still many days for me that I'm sure I'm NOT doing it. But my therapist keeps reminding me to take credit for the things I'm doing right and keep working baby steps toward truly living my values. I'm glad to be having this conversation and I hope it finds you well today.
I'm having a depressive episode and I'm so angry at myself because I want to succeed so badly and I'm so close, but I'm falling apart at the finish line.
❤
Push harder. You are RIGHT THERE. Push on, my friend. You deserve happiness.
real
I told myself stories for years that I was unlikeable based on a few instances of dysregulated CPTSD that haunted me. These were stories years ago people forgot even happened. When I stopped telling them, the stories stopped.
🎉🎉congrats !!! I / we matter !! 😊
And now you're the pied piper and draw crowds wherever you go?
What did he say at 0:54 ? It's horrible. Is he a real doctor?
Don't gaslight yourself. Trust what's true for you.
Beautifully put 🤗
But how when the things I tell myself about myself are true? 🙃
The brain CAN / will lie from emotional wound !! 😑😑 🙄
& KNOW WHAT gaslighting is!!, when it happens it could be easy to not notice !!
Easier said than done sometimes, especially when the 'truthful' things you've been told to believe about yourself for essentially your whole life turn out to be nothing but hot air & false convictions, with the only recompense available from that point of realisation onwards to try to be successful, because you sure as hell aren't going to receive an apology from anyone...mostly because the bulk of people, due to 'common sense', still seem to think you're faulty. Oh well, and as they say, it is what it is...which fortunately I know I'm not any longer, even if many others don't agree.
"being a pemissimic, cowardly worse case scenario negative person is an evolutionary necessity and defense mechanism" holy shit... you're so right. My mind is blown. I feel so validated, thank you ❤️
Such a great way of describing my brain 😂. I do try not to be that person, but my brain just does not want to comply.
“Why am I the way that I am?”
“Because one long winter my great great great grandfather didn’t store enough potatoes.”
@@DrScottEilers or one long winter my great great great grandfather did store enough potatoes while those around him didn't 😁. In my case my great great great (maybe another great or two) grandfather moved to South Africa for his breathing problems. Guess who now has breathing problems?
@@GingerBiPolarBear SAME
Being a 'VINO' is a real CON thing, for narcs, (they're 'Victims' In Name Only.)
When I broke up with my ex, even as the instigator, I really struggled with the fallout afterwards.
I wrote a list of all the stories I was telling myself, as well as things he had said about me that were untrue. I then followed each item up with the objective reality.
For example: "I have nothing left in my life and I can't live without this person."
"Reality: I have a successful job, friends, people who love me, hobbies, passions, interests, and good habits. I am the same fantastic person that entered this relationship 15 months ago, and I am still that person; I just need to rediscover the things about me that I love."
I wrote down every story as it entered my head. The list was so long. When a story reappeared in my head, I would read what I'd written, and effectively reinforce the reality rather than the story.
Highly recommend this practice.
Thanks for sharing
I’m 31 and have never been in a serious relationship.
Unsurprisingly, this has caused me to draw some pretty negative conclusions about my datability and overall self worth.
When my family started making comments expressing their doubt at the prospect of my finding a wife, it validated all my doubts and fears in the worst way possible and led to it being the main driver of my depressive episodes, which usually revolved around the broader theme of feeling like a failure/behind in life in several aspects.
My father said something about it being particularly important for me to stay in good shape since I’m probably not gonna have kids to look out for me in my old age.
That comment threw me off the deep end into a depressive episode that lasted for weeks.
I say this to illustrate the point that words, no matter how untrue can impact you very deeply , and this goes triple for people who struggle with depression.
I'm very sorry that happened. Those comments from your family are very hurtful. Some people find their partner later in life. Men can have kids until they are much older.
IMO comments made by parents and family drive deep into us and are hard to see or iradicate because they sound like our own thoughts.
Some Czech psychologist noticed a thing about gender problem.
He had some client who transitioned twice in 4 years, from a man to a woman and then from woman to a man.
The psychologist learned from him that he hated his male body, being a male.
He found out.
The main reason of this problem, is that children feel un-accepted in both systems:
1. Children feel - unseen in the family system
- unheard
- unaccepted
2. Children feel - unseen in the education/school system
- unheard
- unaccepted
If kids feel un-seen, un-heard and un-accepted at home but also in school, it leads to some kind of low self-worth, and the kid is not able to accept himself or herself.
Therefore it leads to self-harming, and feeling lack, not knowing who I am, what is my purpose in life etc.
----------
From these conversations we may understand important things.
So people start talking to your kids in genuine way, (not what some television told you, but what your intuition tells you) so:
1. they feel seen
2. they feel heard
3. they feel accepted
Don´t force them to do football professionaly, if they love math and science,
don´t force them to do math and science, if they love football or baseball
listen what makes them most passionate, what profession is making them most happy,
make them feel they are loved accepted etc.
Because if you force child to do something else, they feel un-worthy, they feel like they failed, because they are prohibited to do things that they love doing.
And we may be almost certain that if a school or parent is forcing the child to be certain way, and not have their own thinking process and passion for something,
it means that the parents were raised the same way when growing up, therefore they treat their kids that way.....
.... they were unheard unseen unaccepted, when they followed their passion and purpose, in their teen-hood etc.
So tell your parents with compassion and empathy
I know you have your own agenda, because you were raised that way, you were forced to think certain way
but I know what is my passion, my true purpose.
@@alenaadamkova7617 I appreciate your insight and advice, and I'm not discounting its merit, but in my case the family condemnation only amplifies the agony because I'm already fixated and beat myself up over "missing the mark" on the areas of my life that they criticize me for.
It's not that our agendas are mismatched, they want the same things for me that I want for myself already. The perpetually single problem is one of several of which are not worth getting into here, but my single problem comes up the most and feels the most time-sensitive which amplifies the anxiety surrounding it.
It's usually the catalyst that opens the floodgates into prolonged negative thinking, and hyper-analyzing my entire life through the lens of "you're a failure". I go down the "where did I go wrong" rabbit hole a lot which I know isn't a productive thing to do, but we can't always help how we feel about ourselves.
Yes, and with depression it's 10x worse.!! I'm suffering terribly also...🙏
As a habitual over-thinker, it will be great to get some helpful strategies.🙉
Yes, very useful! Thanks so much, Doctor!😊
I am always over thinking everything to the point of distraction. It is very annoying to others, but I think I have to do it so I make sure I get things right. Kinda like OCD added on.
@@janetslicer3637 Oh, that can be a difficult one. Mine is more anxiety-based, and random thoughts or thoughts about what I'm afraid to do. Ugh! I hope these strategies can help us both.😊❤️
@@pickledherring8759 I am sorry, but I did laugh out loud when I saw your name "pickled herring." Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it but I loved your name even more! ♥️
@@janetslicer3637 🤣 No sorry needed! I picked it because it does sound kind of silly, even though it's a real thing. Never had it myself, just heard it before and sounded like a good username. Glad I made you laugh! 😄 ♥️
Practical, non-patronising, no-bullshit, articulate, highly intelligent professional. I'm running out of space from bookmarking all your videos!
I agree
Our mind/heart/every cell “hear” everything we tell ourselves
So true. I've found out.
I blame myself for foolishly retiring from the career job I really loved!. I got anxiety and depression from this, and told myself with passion, how much I hated myself. Using the most hateful words.! I don't like anything anymore, not even hobbies I used to enjoy. It's like I hate myself so much now. I'm unable to forgive myself for all the mistakes ive made in my life. Im living in misery. Your comment was true. 😢
@@klanderkalyou were dancing into a depression. Get out of there. Now. Better your life. Stop crying.
@@truffaut650truffaut6 Thanks, If there were a switch to turn off the pain , and suffering, Anxiety sucks, insomnia sucks, depression Sucks!I would have flicked the switch months ago.
I didn't know . I thought everyday would be like " a day off".. I was wrong. 3 weeks after, days off weren't fun anymore. I wanted to go back to my routes, passengers, coworkers. I lost my purpose, identity , etc. Depression is so horrible.! It takes all desires to do anything . And , for example .. I loved to get coffee, workout, and go swimming EVERYDAY. With depression ... I lost interest and enjoyment for all. I don't even enjoy TV , music anymore???!!!. It's so unbearable living like this.
I WISH, I could just be normal as I was, doing the activities and hobbies I used to enjoy., and enjoying my young adult children , and friends, neighbors as before!
... I want to snap out of this.
I was told I'm grieving. My mental and physical health are declining too...! I don't want that either.
But,... the illness of depression just don't dissappear. I tried working out last week, but didn't enjoy and felt uncomfortable with no interest .. I went to the beach to try my swim as before. I wasn't even happy to be there??, I tried to swim... and just stopped, had no pleasure , or drive. That's how bad this depression is. I ruined my life by retiring from a job I loved of 30 years. I was institutionalized, and didn't know it.
@@klanderkal careful about people who blame and punish. Unnecessary and harmful.
You have reached the end of a difficult chapter. There are better things ahead, even if you don’t know what they are. Deep in the truest place of your heart you have the seeds of self-forgiveness. Be patient and kind with yourself as if you were an injured kitten. Nurture yourself.
Sometime soon you will find the new life you were meant to live. Set the foundation - healthy food, no smoking-alcohol-drugs. Get adequate sleep, with affirmations of goodness in your mind.
We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself for being imperfect. You are human, after all. You are on this planet to find the truest goodness of yourself. You will find that in time.
I speak from experience. Been where you are. There is peace and goodness waiting for you. ♥️♥️♥️
@priscillawrites6685 Thank you so much... I really appreciate your kind words.
I'm still suffering from the loss of my job, and all it meant to me.
Having hard time sleeping still. The anxiety/insomnia and depression... still remain a horrible factor. I'm still trying to be able to leave the apt. This whole situation really caused damage to my mental health. I've talked with professionals.
They can only try and have me reframe the incident and work on my cognitive distortions.
I'm personally devastated . I feel my life has ended, and in some ways it has. I'm so upset with myself. But, you are correct. I need to forgive, and try to find a way.. to move on. My health has been declining, my thoughts are so negative, and my vibration levels are at the lowest. Lost too much weight also. If I can break these illnesses... I have a chance.
Thank you. You're words are encouraging 💙💐⚘️
When my husband left me after 20 happy years for a woman half my age (I was 10 years older than him), when I asked him why he said "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
What a cop-out.
This was the big trauma that changed my whole life.
It's better off not knowing anyway.
You are correct.
I’m sorry people seriously suck!
Let's see how long that lasts.....
shut up @@unclewazza777
God, every single thing you said is going on in my head. I can’t imagine believing that I’m not a broken mess.
Me too.
Case in point - don't feed into the story
What you describe is how bullies work, they literally manipulate someone into causing problems for themselves. There's no sugarcoating it, bullies are evil. Bystanders also have a role, if they showed in no uncertain terms that bullying won't be tolerated in their midst, it would rarely happen as all bullies are bed wetters who wouldn't dare attack anyone without support. When onlookers ignore or show support for bullies they are giving the bully their approval whether they want to or not.
It seems like a lot of times peoples personal trauma is invalidated by other people. What I mean is that people often seem to say things that make it not ok to feel bad about some event. Like "there is always a person out there who suffered a really bad trauma and so since theirs was so much worse your trauma isnt valid".
It's almost like human competitiveness about who is the bigger victim.
Well, I get the feeling that our brains and bodies dont really recognize so much the extent or degree ones residual trauma as a result of an external event. But rather something bad happens, we feel trauma, and that feeling is not necessarily proportional to the degree of the bad event. For example, does it hurt more or less to loose a job with a $20 / hour pay check or a $40/ hour pay check... In other words, it doesn't hurt twice as much....
Another example, Does it hurt more to be divorced or widowed?
Does a 20 marriage ended hurt 10x more than the ending of a 2 year marriage?
I dont think the brain and body recognizes the extent of a bad feeling proportionally.
Therefore: Since A person who fails an important test in school may be experiencing as much pain and sorrow, in a physical sense, in a moment, as a person who was just had a spouse die or that the degree of the loss may not be proportionally reflected in the level of pain experienced. A persons pain is valid regardless of the degree of the trauma that caused it.
I just dont know how to say it in English right.
Beautiful display of humanity and compassion right here. Wish more people were like you; never change.
I have had a lifelong history of trauma and due to that I have no self esteem, think everyone hates me, and am very emotional. I have a persecutory complex and cannot see the good in anything.i also have multiple chronic illnesses that have left me disabled and my life is not mine anymore.
My psychiatrist called me out on the negative stories I tell myself just this morning. It was hard to hear, but she was right. I keep thinking I can't overcome my anxiety and depression because "Im different from everyone else." "I'm a freak." "There's something wrong with me..."
What you're saying, and more importantly, what I can actually take in, is that my distress is NOT MY FAULT. It's due to things that happened to me when I was too small to push back.
Thank you so much for this. I just found your channel - what a gift. Your compassion and wisdom shine through.
Stay in the feeling, really feel it, without adding any storyline to it.
0:54 Is he really a doctor?
Wow. Yes, as a seven year old not allowed to go to the next grade...I was a 'failure'. For nearly seventy years it unfolded as you say. Self rejection, the inability to acknowledge most successes, a pattern of quitting just before completing a task, etc. Your examples are crystal clear for me...and helpful. I have notes on all of the suggested strategies; and will add them to my skillset. Thanks.
That's horrible I'm sorry that happened to you... What a fucked up system... we're not failures! ❤️
Don't believe everything you tell yourself. You're only repeating inherited other people's personal denial
God bless you ❤
For me, it was 4th grade and I'm nearly 60. @stevec404 I haven't finished watching and those statements ring true to me as I'm self reflecting this weekend & throughout Spring.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
I have ocd, hocd, pocd. I just left a store anxious because I felt I couldn’t be normal around kids. I hate this anxiety and when I am this anxious it’s hard to think normally, guess my phone was listening to me talk to myself about this …
I also have OCD, and I am so sorry you're dealing with those thoughts. Hang in there. I think for people with OCD, we need to learn to not take our own thoughts and feelings too seriously. (Easier said than done.) You've got this!
Your approach to mental health is so refreshing and honest. And i cannot tell you how much it meant to me to hear a mental health doctor say he didn't like being alive all the time and that he had to work at feeling good about existence. I cannot tell you how validating that was ❤
I’m so desperate for change…what I want and feel capable of are worlds apart. This is so tremendously relatable.
O my god I’ve never seen anyone hit it on the head like you do. Everything I’ve heard you say on each video is what I needed to understand all my life. Im 70 now, and have had to learn most everything you’re saying, oh so painfully. You verbalize e everything that is in hundreds of pages of my journal writing over the years, trying to figure things out so I can stand to be alive.
I am 75 I agree 100%. Thank you Scott from the bottom my heart
Me too.!! I'm suffering so horribly, everything he said, and why.
Is me.
I have depression and anxiety, which makes it worse.
Im,... in a very dark place in my life now.... 😢
Of myself, though difficult health issues, I have discovered I am continually drawn into other peoples crises, whatever their crisis is, and they will make their crisis, my crisis. I am absolutely exhausted with difficult people unloading their $hit on me. I have been successful overall in putting down boundaries and sticking to them, but close family living with me, continues to be a drain. I desperately need to get a handle on this close relationship because their illness is not my illness nor crisis to bear.
I've been in therapy for more than a decade and I have blamed myself for a long time for not getting better. Because I was given skills that I just couldn't use or that my emotions and beliefs and thoughts managed to render useless.
I always thought there was something wrong with me because these therapists seemed unable to help with these obstacles. They only knew how to teach the therapy, not troubleshoot it. Or maybe they really thought I just wasn't trying hard enough-something I believed and sometimes still believe about myself.
Seeing my current therapist has turned that on its head because she's the first one to directly tell me otherwise. She does DBT, in which therapists are taught that therapy doesn't fail clients, therapists do.
That concept is something I still find hard to believe but even the possibility my continued suffering isn't my fault or due to an innate flaw has offered a lot of relief.
Thank you...yes, I am definitely my own worst enemy! YES, everything is a crisis...unfortunately.
I'm out of words (and that doesn't happen often 😅). Thank you for this video and thank you for this channel. You almost always make me smile or even laugh. Please, don't ever change your style of telling stories and explaining things. 🤗 It's something... I don't know... It makes me feel understood (even though the information goes the other way round). And that is a rare experience for me, to really feel understood. I think it has something to do about your sense of humour and all that. I'm not even depressed (I think 😂) but I get so much from your videos. ❤
I really appreciate you saying this
I am actually genuinely trapped in a situation I cannot escape.
this is how i feel also, but we can escape.
Are you in danger or what’s going on?
a situation I put myself in not knowing how severe it would become
I am really struggling.
Have tried everything
I have tried so many strategies but I am really struggling. I really do not know what to do. I don’t know how much more I can cope.
I feel the same way, i feel so tired. I don't know how much i can sustain
@@stewartkatz6119 Hi. Me, too. I just TOLD ( not asked! TOLD!) my primary care doctor to refer me to a psychologist & FAST! And in meantime, I texted 988 & they have a telechat & calling, too. It's THE crisis line in U.S. ...are you in U.S.?
I am not kidding, I'm going to get 988 tattooed on me! They're very helpful 💙
@@stewartkatz6119 also, do you have a friend or anyone you trust? Can you ask them to just listen, I mean, really hear you? Even if all you can manage is to tell someone you're really struggling, it's a HUGE step forward for you & I swear it's so worth it.
And YOU are worth it 💙 You are not alone, though it may feel so. But I promise, you're not. Please reach out?
And please let me know that you have or will, please?
We both can get help & support 💙💙💙
@@stewartkatz6119 - This from a fellow sufferer...and survivor.
"Never quit - Never surrender" (Galaxy Quest). Binge this mans channel. Whatever your core situation is, there are fantastic channels like this one to open our minds to the truth...and educate as to strategies for improvement.
This could not have come at a more critical time for me, thank you! I will watch it repeatedly during my personal crisis just now.
WoW. Thank you. I stressed badly for weeks, trying to prevent from loosing my career job that i really loved for decades. Once i lost it... i went into a shock. I couldn't handle it. I got Anxiety, insomnia,.. and severe depression. I don't like anything in life now?, i don't enjoy activities or hobbies i once enjoyed. I ruminate 24/7 on my mistakes for not having my job anymore. I have extreme guilt, and self blame/hate. Im really suffering every dsy. I don't like living anymore. ( cannot believe im like this ).... im unable to snap out of this.
I am sorry this happened to you. Please try to remember that you are still you, with all the skills, the talent and the dedication that someone else will value. There is absolutely no one who never made a mistake or a bunch of them, the difference is that some get anyway with shit easier than others. And that is some reality I still struggle to accept, because I never get anyway with anything.
@cristinabhatia9296 Thank you... appreciate those words. I'm unable to accept my mistake, because it threw away my life. I just want back the daily routines I had. I loved getting ready for work, going to work in my classic car , hanging out with all my coworkers and friends, then,.. getting my Bus,, and starting my routes, picking up my passengers,.! I have horrible depression now. I really feel I ended my life, by foolishly retiring,.. just because a couple of my friends were, and they convinced me to join them..... that was so stupid of me.
@@klanderkal I saw my dad going through something similar when he had to go into early retirement because of some health issues. His whole world was at work, he was even raising cats and a dog at the small factory he worked at. The only way I could help was to keep him hopeful about the future and keep him making plans by buying a piece of land outside the city and starting to build a small house with a garden. I am not saying you should do exactly the same, I was thinking about something you always wanted to do, but never had the time or the energy for. Like volunteering for something you are passionate about. Have you tried something like that?
@@cristinabhatia9296 Thank you for replying and caring 🙏, I went into deep depression. I cannot handle not working at my job. I have really no interest in doing anything else. Depression stole my hopes, dream's, desires away. I've never volunteered b4. Sorry to say, my job and hobbies were my life. Now, in my mental state, I somehow lost interests in all my beloved hobbies and activities.
I'm a VW' fanatic since high school, many of my coworkers are the same, ... We all get together, work on our bugs, hangout at work, etc..
Now. , I don't even drive it, nor have interest in putting in New motor we built, or the race tranny I had for it. I just can't believe., how my life completely changed... 180.
It's unbearable to live life without my job life. And... the mental illnesses it's brought on. Sorry for all this dread and negativity. T.Y.💐
Start asking yourself what is this trying to teach me,
not why is this happening to me❤ things that seem dark may be happening for us to discover parts of ourselves we couldn’t see before.
Blessss❤
That helps sometimes
Don't believe everything you think. Question it. What else could be the reason? Still learn and be brave. But even through that show yourself love.❤❤❤
But then that leads to rumination
@@Heyu7her3 Considering painful situations is not ruminating. It's healing so you can benefit and let go💖
This is why the manifesting community can be so dangerous. Some will tell you (especially under the Neville Goddard banner) that you create your reality so all of those horrible experiences of rejection and abandonment were created by YOU. “I believed he’d reject me so he did.” Instead of empowering me, that “everyone is you pushed out” BS sent me into an even worse depression thinking that I attracted this into my life and am responsible for EVERYTHING.
Yeah..."self fulfilling prophecy" I hate that idea.."you don't believe in yourself, so that means you won't succeed." If this was true I'd have never succeeded at anything, I'm surprised I have a job because I didn't think I was capable or competent...I hated myself then and still do now, but that really didn't change the fact that I marched into that restaurant, introduced myself, and inquired about a position, and now I'm bussing tables working twice a week and my boss is the best in the world! I have skills and people tell me I'm a hard worker.
@@claireschweizer4765 I still struggle with hating myself so I feel you there. But yes, I still got what I wanted for the most part in life, partly due to hard work, partly due to the few friendships I’ve had, despite feeling awful about myself. There are kind people in this world and not so kind people and my powers of “manifestation” have nothing to do with that. Yes I can control my reactions and my “story” as Scott said, but I didn’t create my childhood trauma.
@@claireschweizer4765 believing in yourself & hearing yourself are two separate things & exist on their own spectra. one who doesn't believe in themselves at all wouldn't even consider applying for the job because that don't see any efficacy. you believe more than you believe you do.
When the allied troops entered Dachau camp they fed the people in there all the wrong food. Their unskilled food program-kindness killed more than it saved.
Everything useful can only be absorbed one 'bitesized piece' at a time.
@@RachelAnnie Exactly ❤️
I didn't realize I had been telling myself a story about things that had happened a few times to me, and that I was fully expecting them to happen again. And of course, it would be because of a deficiency in me! The analogy of "celebrity deaths" was very effective.
Great point, and explanation , about how we immediately blame ourselves for other's mood, actions, etc.
Appreciated the explanation about why our brains seem to lean toward the negative; I'd never thought about that possibility.
As all your videos, this is packed with helpful perspectives. Thank you, and I hope you feel better soon!
Stories we tell ourselves. We have a great deal of evidence and personal experiences to support these, whether they are positive or negative. We’ve known ourselves a long time. We know our flaws and our strengths.
We are also the most biased sources of information on the topic of ourselves and have potentially collected every shred of “evidence” from a place of confirmation bias about the accuracy of things we already believed or have been told
I look at life the same way !from the age of 7 I lost all desire to have any ambition it was slapp out ot me,I remember every negative event and often, any conversation word for word,
At the age of 67
I now have time to look back over a loser, life.
Would have, should have ,cou have,?I can't wait to move on and take 2.
why am i constantly overthinking? these past few months i feel like i’ve been plagued with some sort of illness reassuring delusions and convincing myself that thinking the worst of any situation is the actual reality. i can’t escape this and i’m so desperate to just let it go..
❤
To let go:
Do you have total control over whether or not you get sick?
No, obviously lol
All you have control of is living as healthily as possible and hoping to not get sick, and your reaction if you do get sick, and how you'll go about treatment if you do get sick.
Otherwise there is no control and no way to obtain total control.
That's how we let go is by understanding that and reminding ourselves of it. 👍♥️
It's crazy that we had to be more risk-averse to survive, but now we have to be less risk-averse to thrive
This really hit me hard unexpectedly. Nail on the head and gave me a reality check
The problem with this advice is sometimes there are some situations that you can't just think your way out of. Sometimes instead of trying to find answers, learn the art of detachment and letting go
Thank you so much...been in therapy for yrs and you tell me more in 20 minutes than all the time I have spent in someone's office!
This video gave me such an enlighten. the things that the other person tells us are not always true, so don't blame ourselves for everything, because when things happen, we can not always know the “real” reason.
I wish you would do a series on PARENTAL ALIENATION! I’m so happy you mentioned this not many therapists don’t even know about this brutal abuse that affects millions of people. I wish you would do a series on it and how to deal the trauma of this!!!!
"just keep searching" that is amazing advice. It's a great way to keep your mind open and I definitely need that when looking at my past experiences I used to blame myself for.
Dr. Scott keeps it real. Really enjoyed listening to this.
Thanks Scott. I needed to hear this.
I needed to hear that today Dr. Scott. Thank you so much!
This video was so timely for me. I've been noticing patterns with people I work with that cause me the same issues over and over again that I cannot escape.
Thanks for doing this video. Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better.
🙏Thank you Dr.Scott!
It's my mother's voice making snide comments about my life in my head. Working on excorcising the demons ..... 😂 She called a lot of things demonic, took me forever to realize it was all in her head, and she was trying to convince everyone else that her reality was the true reality.
Thank you again to bringing light to a common negative practice! Thank Dr Scott!
Man, i had a good cry listening to you here. It feels like I cried away a bit of this burden. I've already worked with my therapist about how the abuse and bullying i went through wasn't my fault, and you helped me register it a bit more, until my mind can completely integrate that. As always, thank you so much
Once AGAIN...
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP💓🙏
Just realized I have been beating myself up for stuff thats happened like years ago and didnt even realize. I tend to look at things subjectively and usually I am my own enemy in this view, I always think what I could have done differently because I know what happened in my head rather than theirs so I make myself the one who did wrong or could have changed because its the only thing I can analyze. This video made me think "yah know if I look at situations objectively many times a situations or relationship didnt go well they had the equal chance to change or fix things as much as I did, so why am I labelling myself as flawed when we were both apart of the same situation that went bad and they dont think bad of themselves at all" not sure if I explained that well but this video feels like a gift I needed, ive been negative on myself for years and never got closure my last breakup, but this helped me view closure as something that you don't need because it could be false anyways. Thanks man you word things really good.
The combination of worst case scenario and people pleasing made up a majority of my life until age 40 from my upbringing and my job.
This segment really helped me with deeply acute grief. Thank you.
Newish job. I feel like I know my job pretty good after 90 days but my trying hasn’t been good, there’s no written work flows in a folder or online. 90 day review didn’t go well but they extended my probation another 30 days, about when the other girl comes back from maternity leave. I had everything riding on this job to get my life back together, now it’s hard to even motivate myself to brush and floss my teeth (I do it) I stopped doing everything else and going places. But today I did apply for another job.. I’m trying but I’m so tired. I’m worried I will just collapse at this job not because of the job itself but the heavy scrutiny and criticism from my supervisor and fear about my mounting debt. I sat in my car in the parking lot just staring at the cement wall filled with dread at the idea of going in.
Good for you on applying for another job!! That’s really difficult to do when going through what you’re currently experiencing. Give yourself credit for still taking care of yourself even when you don’t feel like it. I hope your employment situation is looking up and your anxiety level has gone down. Hang in there!
@@suebehr507 thank you. I should know something in the next week or so about this job, but now I’m wondering if I even want to stay in it. I have a 2nd interview with the other job I applied for. It’s far from here and I’ll likely have to take a pay cut and have roommates but it might be worth it to be a part of a team that actually wants me there.
@wileyann9449 I read the comments you posted with interest. I took a job about 15 months ago. It was the first of two offers I got in the same week. Since I accepted the first one before the second offer came in, I felt it was wrong to renege and go for the second job. It was one of the few times I did not follow my gut when I really should have. My 1year review was so bad, they put me on a *_"performance improvement plan"_* (PIP), which is a sign of soon to be fired. It's eating at me because I've been in my industry for over 30 years, have been successful in all previous jobs, but this current manager refused to see my value. Over the last few months, I have worked 60+ hour weeks, and am exhausted from trying and being annoyed. So ready to throw in the towel, but I have a mortgage (over $2k monthly) that I cannot afford and selling the house, which could be an option to recover some $, will take long to sell and actually get money in hand. It sucks because I wanted to retire in my early-mid 50s, but during Covid, the company where I was had mass layoffs and I'm back financially where I was in 2005. But then I ask myself _"how much are my happiness and sanity worth?"_
I hope your job search was fruitful and you're in a better situation. 🤞🏼
Stay until they let you go, most likely when the maternity leave person returns. Apply for unemployment and take a break for 26 weeks to work out a new employment arrangement. You need rest! Take the opportunity if given to you. Best Wishes!
@@passinthru4788 I ended up packing up and heading off to another state this Friday. I think my supervisor was just hoping I’d have a breakdown. Other girl has not come back and they don’t know when she will.
This has honestly opened my eyes to a horribly toxic pattern of thinking that has been with me my entire life. Thank you for this video, it’s means a lot to me.
Thanks Dr. Eilers, I needed to hear this and it crossed my way the right time, very well put together.
Most relatable and helpful video yet.
Thanks for continuing, it's motivating.
Thanks again for this doc Scott...the one truth i struggle with is. .. your life is the direct result of the decisions you've made...😬
Yes,.... my life is the results of my horrible decisions. And, they just kept happening. Recently I did 4 in a row, that were extremely devastating to me..! I stressed so bad, I got anxiety, insomnia,... and severe depression.
Now,... I just blame myself with self hate, and horrible negative self talk.
My life is ruined.
And,... now im suffering.
I cannot forgive myself because I kept hating on myself.
I really need to find away to do a 180 fast.
🙏
Your book is fantastic. Thanks for advertising it on your wall. Sincerely.
This advice really hit home for me because i'm doing shadow work for childhood trauma and a lot was very helpful and informative
Thank you for this offering
I am going to listen to this later today. Thank you Doctor Scott x
Watching your videos and doing therapy is a recipe for better mental health to me. It’s like the chicken noodle soup for the soul, I just feel so understood and your videos help me to articulate how I’m feeling. I truly appreciate all of the content you’re putting out here!
I even listen to your videos while driving because they’re just the right amount of informative and humorous!
Thank you SO SO much for this video. I have been trying to understand the behaviour for a person (that I barely even know) and it has been eating me inside for a month. This video is exactly what I needed and, ironically, it has given me the answers we should not be looking for. I hope my therapy sessions will help unpack all of this, and allow me to move forward with a different perception of my awful trauma.
Thank you so much for this video!
We are our own worst enemy yet our own best Subject. Stay Uncommon!
Dynamite video! VERY GOOD info..! Thank You!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and the wisdom you have gained. I am grateful for you.
Wow! I was meant to hear your video today. It is a Godsend.
You are so incredibly helpful, thank you 👐🏼
The best video I have seen recently. Thank you, Dr Scott.
I am a health care worker, clinical research, science, and I was laid off on19th, December. Since then, I have been in a paralyzed situation and cannot take any action: no job search, not going after legal rights, not telling family, not talking to any friend, not sharing and I am a 45 years a lady who lives alone... Sometimes, it is not about stories we tell ourselves that hurt. Sometimes, it is about the reality and we ask questions that hurt for not getting any rational answer. As you said, not everybody... For my case, I was about to have a heart attack due to mobbing, and used my earned pto to recover. They terminated my work for not being at the office while I was going through a serious health problem. So, I just don't emotionally react and tell myself a story that I was punished for going after my health and tried to not die. They were intimidated for their wrong action ( you were right for a possible reason 23:50 ) . Your videos are real deal . Thanks again Dr Scott. Appreciate it...
This makes a lot of sense, thank you
I´m so grateful for your work and effort you are putting in all these videos you are making. I have gone through a very hard time the last 1.5 year. Involving a very uggly separation (9 year relationship). I have been so close to giving up so i have been scared of my self. You have really helped me a lot and almost every video you´ve made have given me the feeling that you are talking directly to me. These problems you talk about is exactly the ones I experience. I´m convinced that there are many people who are feeling the same way as I do.
So I want to say thank you very much. Thank you for helping me saving myself. Daniel 46 from Sweden
Always well said and explained. Thank you.
It took me years to realize that I have created vicious and self recriminating stories as a way of somehow "atoning" for myself as JUST punishment. Self flogging as atonement. I've stopped a lot of those narratives, but many still persist in complex and sneaky ways.
Excellent video, very helpful, WILL incorporate those great tools. Thank you very much, my friend.
Thank you very much, great points.
I feel like I do this so much every time I face any form of rejection. Thank you for talking about this topic.
Thank you so much!! I love your videos!! You gone me hope!!
That was great! Much thanks.
Thank you so much, this makes lots of sense. I have found myself re-analyzing over and over certain situations and swimming in a sea of self doubt. This was helpful!
Oh so wise, and helpful, thoughts! Thank YOU! I appreciate what you offer the world.🦁
Amazing. Truly helpful!
Mine can be as simple as seeing a close friend/ family have a bad mood and suddenly my mind tried to find any possible mistake that I have done and blame myself. Eventually it led me to having a bad mood and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
That is just the simplest case that happens quite often. And being a HSP male, I can easily pick up subtle cues if people are speaking to me differently or if they have a slight change of behaviour.. I hate this habit...
So helpful. Thank you! I actually really appreciate the 'nihilistic' reality that people will treat you like crap. Coming to a place of acceptance about that is helping me redirect my thoughts, so that I don't place the blame on myself 🙌🏻
I once was really depressed over a break up and found that if I wrote down happy positive words like splendid fantastic happy yes! I actually could shift my mood.
it's kind of a relief to know that I already do some of these things to some extent, but it's also frustrating to know that I'm still deeply depressed. And usually the story I tell myself doesn't matter as much, because I already made the negative thing into something that is directly caused by my depressive state. So the exact how and why doesn't matter, the feeling remains. So nowadays it's less "I'm just a loser, no one's gonna love me" or "because i missed out on so much, i haven't learned the skills others have", but rather a more neutral "as long as I'm this depressed and don't have my life more in line, I'm just objectively unattractive to date for anyone who gets to know me closely, but also therapy or any form of help isn't readily available, so I'm stuck." The feelings and especially the inaction this causes remains the same throughout. Sometimes I even manage to leave that personal failure part out, but just looking at the end result makes me equally sad, because I don't see a way I could adapt in order to not repeat the pattern in the future other than simply not engaging again. I really have to watch out.
My family of origin is in a cult, and scapegoats. I had to cut them off to find some happiness. Now my kids are older and they have fallen for my families scapegoating and now I have nobody in my life. Days away from 57 and coming out of a narcissistic relationship and realizing this was also my mother who was the focalizer of the scapegoating. So the message when I look externally is it’s all me, I’m just fucked up, and all external messages says it’s all me. I can’t get anyone to tell me why I am the issue. It’s so lonely I was ok staying with the narcissist abuse until I can’t and now it just feels hopeless all the way around. On top of all of that I have subjected myself to all kinds of real physical trauma and death as a medic for 20 years and then a hospice nurse during Covid. I used my pain to connect with others in pain, and while it was a great help to them, it’s all I have now.
You always have useful advice. Thanks!
Thank you so much.🙏🏾 17 minutes in and this video helped me make a distinction, that had never occurred to me before. I have been in bad relationships. I am NOT BAD AT relationships. This has made me feel really free, relieved, and optimistic. Thank you again.😊 Subbed
Yes, I've been questioning my mind running off with stories. A great technique, very freeing. 👍🇨🇦😎
You have come up with good tool sir. I appreciate this to add to my arsenal against anxiety