5 Ways To Heal Your Relationship With Yourself
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 พ.ค. 2024
- Life can be a very lonely and isolating journey. Because of this one fact, your relationship with yourself is the key to how your life turns out.
Despite being the most impactful figure in our lives, we tend to mistreat ourselves. Many of us have damaged our relationship with ourselves, leading to self-neglect, self-hate, and a lack of compassion - I know I did for a really long time.
To mend this relationship, here are 4 simple yet powerful strategies:
1. Give Yourself Undivided Attention
2. Meet Your Needs in Real Time
3. Don't Withhold Praise
4. Validate Your Feelings
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What's Inside:
00:00 - Embrace the Power of Self-Understanding and Care
03:18 - Transform Your Life: Rebuilding Your Relationship with Yourself
06:24 - Be Present for Yourself: Cultivate a Fulfilling Self-Dialogue
09:19 - Break the Cycle: Avoid Treating Yourself as a Burden
12:11 - Embrace Self-Acknowledgment: Break the Cycle of Self-Criticism
15:02 - Acknowledge Your Wins: Embrace Self-Recognition for Motivation
17:51 - Validate Your Feelings: Embrace Self-Validation for Emotional Honesty
20:31 - Overcome Procrastination: A Key to Rebuilding Trust with Yourself
Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client. But I do care.
1. Just sit with yourself a few mins of undivided attention everyday.
2. Meet your needs in real time, like, naps, nutrition etc.
3. Don't withhold praise.
4. Take your feelings seriously.
5. Try to do the hardest thing first.
You’re the GOAT
Thank you 🤙🏾
Get back to work
Thank u. Get no praise or validation from anyone.
Thank's ,I got lost in thoughts.
I have no relationships with people. I have customers, but at this point, I pushed all my "friends" away. I am not well. Just angry, broke, and alone. No matter how hard I work, it never provides enough.
I will be 39 in 3 days, and I've never been this lost.
Mental health takes money. Food takes money, life takes money, and I don't have any.
Hey man, I need a friend too. I've been thinking I need a community. I'm on the road too much & just as lost.
I hope things get better for us.
Maybe a career change....the trades like electrician, plumber, hvac all pay well and offer pensions. Never too late to enter these fields and there is a shortage.
I am so tired of treating myself badly. I let my inner child, make a list of all the ways that I hurt them. Self harm, self hatred, neglecting myself, giving up. I apologized to my inner child, realizing that I did to myself what my parents did to me. I broke down and apologized, hoping that I could forgive myself. I'm so sorry buddy. You don't deserve that.
This is amazing,ty for sharing. I need to do exactly the same.💔
I started doing this. I am realizing that I am hurting myself and my inner child more than anyone else ever has.😢
Many other people could and should forgive themselves and nurturing themselves (I also should … 😢)
The first step is getting tired of the way things are💓 You’re allowed to grant yourself permission to step into compassion. We’re granting it to you as well.
💜
I wish i cared for myself the way I take care of others. That’d be amazing 😢
dr.k has a solution to this and it is quite effective atleast to me . check the video out .
@togfanatic can you please share the link here
why can’t you? because all the love you give to others is already within you. forget what the rhetoric says. you’re so powerful! you have you all the time. people only have you when they get you.
I agree with you 100%😢
I know how that feels
For me, the hardest thing is beating myself up for past choices. I have flashbacks of the moments I made those mistakes. Even though I’ve been in therapy for a long time, I still think badly of myself. But I’m working on changing my mindset a little every day to give myself a break.
I have the exact same problem. I've noticed that since I have a hard time forgiving myself for past mistakes I tend to make even more mistakes now. I mean if you constantly are beating yourself up over your past, what difference does it make if you continue to do misstakes. I think I need to find a way to accept things as they are and let myself make mistakes like everyone else. Then I might have a higher chance to make better choices in the present. This is something I have to learn and I hope you too will find a way to forgive yourself too.
I sincerely hope you can forgive yourself. Even if just a little each day.
Get a different therapist and try different therapy modalities like Sedona method, emotional freedom technique, and hiring a good meditation teacher
None of the therapists that I have seen were any better than some guy I ran into at the bar. Lol. It'd be nice if there was actually a good one.
@@carolfactor1865 I wish you the same. Many people tend to judge themselves harder than we do with other people. It's hard to be kind to yourself 😭
This goes to the heart of my core issue. Having imprinted on failure and rejection, it has been impossible for me to tell myself validating words until recently. I am successfully changing that.
How are you successfully changing that.
We can start by giving ourselves credit in our minds and praising ourselves. I was doing the cheerleader thing and it helped. I've fallen out of the habit, because I'm back in deep depression survival mode, but it did help. At times I would right things down.
Yes, stevec. How do you do that. I have practiced small successes, but in the end, is like King Solomon said. "All is vanity". So what's the point?
Salomon said that, and after that he said that is why we need to be thankful for everything otherwise it was not worth to live (something like that)
Astounding message! 😳👏🏼✅👀💡💡💡💡💡
This was really good. I've recently realized that I treat myself like garbage... Put myself down, ridicule myself, ignore my basic needs, etc. I've finally started reversing that. This video is definitely something I needed to hear.
How did you start reversing that? It's hard to not treat yourself like garbage when everyone else has always treated you like garbage. It's as if one day you'd suddenly wake up and worship, or give a massage to your (literal) garbage instead of bringing it to the curb (what you almost certainly do because that's what you've seen everyone else do your whole life).
@@Hubcool367 I'm honestly working on it just now, and only recently realized I was doing it. It IS hard to reverse the negative garbage awful poeple have pumped into your head, and it frustrates my supervisor when she tells me wonderful things about myself and I don't believe her. I'm working on believing positive things about myself, but it's hard.
I feel like and look like garbage. Other people agree and treat me accordingly. I’m just not there. I don’t matter in the grand scheme of.
@@Hubcool367start exercising and look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re worth the endorphins and good energy you give yourself by taking care of your body in a positive way.
Haven’t listened yet, but already crying . . . Possibly the worst thing about this is that you have no idea you’re treating yourself like garbage until some small inkling of the truth starts to come in 😢
I know that feeling. Somehow, I hope we all get better.
My default state is thinking I’m a failure.
The problem I have with praising myself is I don’t have a good frame of reference for what is praise worthy without external validation, which adults rarely express to each other.
You are worthy because you exist.❤
@@tnt01that's kind of you, but was Hitler? Yet, God would have forgiven even Hitler if Hitler had changed his mind and asked God to forgive him and change him.
It seems to me to be everything. You woke up? Fantastic job🎉
This hit really hard! I said I'd never let anyone abuse me again. I am my own worst enemy. Thanks for pointing out I'm too hard on myself.
Beating myself bloody inside my whole life. I wish I could change and feel better.
@STScott-qo4pw I have started deliberately making a voice of reason interfere and kind of lower my hand gently "we are not doing that again. It's stupid. I get your anger. But what is it really about ? Just a habit ? A freak fear of anything not perfect, not enough endangering your life ? Really, you believe that to be true? "
Yes, I can relate to what you are saying.
some mean people are just VERY skilled at pretending to be the person we need.. it's not your fault you believed them, they are just very skilled at it
the best thing is just to protect your boundaries as soon as you DO see that they are making you feel bad and that they don't really care about you.. be kind to yourself and make sure that people in your life actually care enough about you that if they DO hurt your feelings they don't keep doing it
good luck!!!
@CastleHassall yes, but there is a part in us dismissing signals and hoping for it. And that's our part in it. If I don't have a history, such a person will not be attractive to me.
It's like when my mother used to tell me to get better grades but never asked why I was failing or offered any guidance. Simply, "you need to do better"...and I'm there like 👀 how though?
One thing I noticed that I don’t do is notice when I feel good, when I’m happy, grateful, appreciative . . . The default setting is to note only things that are not working, that need to be fixed. So, I started making effort to notice all the good things going on inside of me and around me. I couldn’t believe what a huge difference that made in making life all right.
I think it’s also important to note that self validation has to eventually be believed and accepted by the subconscious so it has to be drilled in. As I’ve improved over time I’ve gotten better at not abandoning and questioning my self as soon as others invalidate me. It’s like a confirmation of your worst fears when they say negative things so it’s hard. but I could tell I’m making a difference bc eventually I was able to choose me.
"abandoning and questioning myself as soon as others invalidate me" 😮
That phrase suddenly made me realize that's exactly what I do. Omg 😢
I can't trust myself to keep my promises to myself and my boundaries with others. I will try these steps, thanks.
I believe in you! 😊
I often feel very similar and can’t even brush my teeth every day. These steps make sense so I’m going to try them today. All of us here watching Dr. Eiler’s videos, deserve praise because we keep trying. I wish you the best and send warm wishes.❤
@@melissakeller2644 thanks, that's so kind of you. You know, I wasn't brushing my teeth and I got 2 really bad cavities. Dentist didn't find them til they had destroyed half the tooth and I had no pain. Now, after getting the 2 teeth ground down and being in alot of pain, I am now brushing daily! Just a warning!
"You CAN be that person for yourself."
I can't believe I actually cried at that video; it really hurt. But I guess the truth always will.
Damn, this guy's good.
I've been standing at the doorway of a Rabbit Hole all day, and trying not to fall in. I needed to hear these words EXACTLY ~ Today. Perfect timing. You help more than you'll ever know. Thank you.
See you went somewhere to find real help! You smartly finding yourself resources!
That's a victory for folks like us!
Get back to work and stop wasting time
I think the reason why I’m too hard on myself all these years was because of the trauma I developed from my parents. The criticism, the shame, the emotional neglect, and emotional abuse in general caused me to question my worth, my purpose, and greatly affected my self-esteem and confidence. To the point where I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and if I could trust them to express my feelings. I already accepted now that they won’t change. I just wished I could be good to myself before it’s too late...
I started Journaling years ago. It made a huge difference in my mental health. I'd write down my fears , disappointments, and those golden helpful nuggets
I physically cant stand positive affirmations, my best self dialogue is " i can do better" towards everything
It is hard and feels ridiculous. I have had so many people and therapists encourage this. I guess do it anyway. I need to try to be better with this.
After this 5th heart attack. I haven't the choose. Either heal, or it's over for me. I'm digging up all I can learn inorder to heal. I've let anger and rage, stress control my whole life. If I don't do something now to stop it, It will be to late. It's been a long ride. Time for me to step down and heal. I'm only 57 and I've really shortened my life. But absolutely blessed to be here.Thank you for this. You have described me to a perfection. Im To hard on me. I let them get to me. It's time I stop them. Yet not blame them. I blame myself. For letting all that has gone on, power over me. Rage kills, didn't know. I allways thought it was better to let it out. But it's better to just let it go. And learn as hard as it is, to relax. Done screwing me. I hope. Again thank you Brother. I'll be watching alot more of these.
You can do it! 🎉
It used to be that we had to remind ourselves to ‘treat others like we would walk to be treated’ and now we have to remind ourselves to treat ourselves like we treat others, the world is a sad place to exist in at the minute, but your videos definitely bring a voice of compassion and reason to it, can’t thank you enough Dr. Eilers
I am just realizing how badly I have treated myself and the results of that treatment. This brings a tear. 😓
The worst part about this is that I have taken verbal abuse as a kid and never questioned it. I always assumed that the other person was right and never questioned them or fight back because I didn't know how. I still haven't fully developed those skills so when I abuse myself I can't fight those thoughts.
Valid point & insights
Check out "the work" by Byron Katie
I believe Language is the biggest problem, it was made to communicate with. At some point we started thinking with it and that's bad, because the rules of language allow us to delete distort and generalize reality. Everyone is kind of trapped in the matrix. Cognitive therapy is a small way to correct this, but when you study linguistics its scary. Words allow us to lie to ourselves.
Yeah it’s really scary how we can use made up words to lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves
Language is in many ways absurd.
For example there's no real difference between nouns and verbs. If I say "I am an engineer", what I really means is that I DO engineering activities.
"It's raining."
What's raining?
Furthermore what's rain?
Rain is falling drops of water. So already we've made a noun (rain) out of a noun verb hybrid (water falling). Then we turn the noun back into a verb with a suffix (rainING), and because of a grammatical "rule" (intuition) that all verbs are done by nouns and that sentences must have subjects and verbs, we add a generic meaningless "It's" to make a "valid" sentence. It's a whole bunch of layers of meaningless indirection, but communicates the idea.
To carry this furth, we could say that a tree apples, and the earth peoples.
Is everything a doing? Or a being? Or is it in fact the case that both of those are the same thing? Can you ever DO nothing? So long as you exist, even sitting or laying around is still portrayed as an action, sitting or laying.
A whirlpool or a flame isn't one thing, it's a continuous pattern. The matter making it up is always changing. So it is with you. We are much more like whirlpools or flames than stones, which themselves do not exist forever. Or do they?
If you change every plank and nail of a boat, is it still the same boat? Do those boards and nails cease to be?
Since every student and faculty member in a university is replaced over time, and every so often they tear down the older buildings and erect new ones, is it the same university decades or centuries later when everything and everyone has been replaced? Perhaps many times over? Is the university it's students, or faculty, or buildings? Or is it a pattern of behavior? Is it a noun, or a verb? Both? Or neither?
A map of a place is not the place. A street sign isn't the street. This is thought, and this is words.
Is math discovered or invented? It seems that many of the basic rules to start with are invented, but whst follows from it is discovery, discovery of the consequences of the rules that you started with.
The more accurate of a map of reality one can make with their words and thoughts, the better off it seems everyone usually is. But it's important to remember that the map is not the place, and vibrating the air to network consciousness, and further symbolizing the vibrations with visual patterns, is a map and not the place.
Very Cool and I appreciate you sharing, I think there is a model half way between cognitive therapy and meta model that's not so complex it drives you mad and not as simplistic as CBT model. I could fit of course, the CBT model right inside meta model, they both are an attempt to make reality more clear. I wish there was an in between that was the minimum effective dose. @@TheJeremyKentBGross
@@TheJeremyKentBGross what a beautiful comment. It’s rare to find someone who has this level of introspection. I think most things were discovered, not invented like electricity. So I’d assume that even math, while time was invented, was discovered. I wish we could be friends in real life. You seem like a person to have great conversations with. It’s funny because I work as an engineer and never say, “I am an engineer” because I’m not. My I am ness is so much more. It doesn’t define my identity. Well you already know this. Thanks for leaving a thought on this digital page so someone like me could discover it
@@cleopatrajones7096 That's my real name and photo (although it's an old photo). I can be found on several other "platforms" (publishers) with it. Although I tend to ignore random strangers DMs, so if you do so, better give a contextual intro, and expect some arms length as I don't tend to easily trust people.
Also I tend to value truth over false kindness, and I have unconventional views on many things including religion and politics that don't fit neatly into a box, but also frequently aren't political correct. I don't think I am disagreeable in temperament, in that I don't tend to argue just for a fight, but if I have and think it worth the time and energy I usually feel compelled say what I think is true regardless of whether anyone likes it. So, you are fair warned.
Also I have no ethnic or racial biases, but that's by 1990s standards or meaning, which means that if you have "modern audience" sensibilities we are unlikely to get along very well, as each of us will see the other as bigoted.
If all that's fine for you, these days when not doing engineering tasks for myself or family matters, I'm enjoying Helldivers 2. The first one was my favorite indie game of all time. You probably won't find my gamer tag with my real name, but it can be relayed by other means. That is likely the easiest way to hang out, especially since we are not likely to be conveniently geographically located, and am rather unlikely to meet anyone in meat space from one YT thread. Although if you provide interesting conversation, I'm not opposed to long conversation via writing either.
I totally identify. I grew up with a parent who always pushed for the A+ while never praising the A. When I asked him about it as a kid, he said, "No one in this world gets an attaboy. Period." Needless to say, I've always had negative self talk. I call myself names. I am always pushing for perfection. I'm going to try some of your self-kindness & self-validation suggestions.
try it on them . tell THEM how cr@p they are.. then say that exact quote and tell them it was them who said that to you..
i know it maybe won't help but maybe it will help then to see how it feels to be treated like that. then they might treat you better
Boy, verbal and emotional abuse is so terrible! And to realize I'm being that same sort of person! Wow! I never thought about it like that.
Huge procrastinator here. Not always on purpose. Anxiety and depression is the culprit. Absolutely beat myself up. It's a huge issue for me in my life. Also, yes, nursing. Work 12 hour shifts. I'm a to p shift. Guess how much p to a does. Hate my world.
??
You work in 12 hour shifts I hope that's what you mean & If that's how much you work then you aren't procrastinator.
Its never too late💪🏼🌷🙏 we can do this 💪🏼
This made me break down and cry like a baby. Because it’s true.
I'm not garbage... garbage is bad for the environment.... I'll be a pile of compost instead 🥰🥰🥰
This hits hard 😢 I was battling with depression and my friends left me. Yeah this lesson I learnt it the hard way
You got this
You're right, it gets very depressing to see how much more i "have" to do to get my life "fixed" but if i look at all the things i DO do and HAVE done to get through all these tough times then really it's major the things I've dealt with and I'm keeping on trying
be kind to yourselves people!
and good luck!
best wishes from Rolland
I need to join this, treating myself as garbage would be an improvement on how I usually do
Same
I was not the one who noticed bullying I practice towards myself. My sister did. She said would you say these wicked things to your friend? I said, of course not. I realized I had been bullying myself for years and years without even noticing this.
I think I am going to listen to this video periodically to help me be a better person to myself.
I keep beating myself up over mistakes I made including my second marriage. I can not allow myself to forgive myself from the person I was in 2020 to the person I am now.
I wish I could wind back the clock. I do not know if I can survive much longer like this. I know if I came up with the $200k in debt this marriage put me in I could at least try to survive. I just feel that between the money I lost and the self esteem from the narcissistic abuse , I really sometimes just want to die. All that keeps me going is my grandson and my pregnant daughter in law. I really need to save myself ..
.....and you can. It's just uncomfortable. Take it playfully, curiously like watching a movie where you will watch what the protagonist will come up with - that's what I try on me to get my inquisitiveness and intelligence invested while my patterns try to push me down with self loathing over opportunities missed, horrendous blind spots etc.
Forviveness of self can take a long time, but it is possible. God knows all of our flaws, and loves us anyway. Try to give yourself grace when you are feeling low.
As far as the financial stuff, Dave Ramsey has helped a lot of people help themselves get out of debt. He has videos on YT.
You have kids and grandkids, so you have a lot to live for. Some of us wish we at least had that, because it makes it easier. We can't turn back the clock. If you had a hand in some of your marriage not working out, that's normal. Honest self reflection is healthy, as long as you're not endlessly berating yourself. it also takes 2 to not work out, so make sure you're putting some responsibility on the other person as well.
You might look into bankruptcy. See if you can get out from under some of that debt? Just a suggestion, feel free to disregard.❤
I returned to this video to say "thank you," Dr Eilers.
This video has caused me to rethink what I have done to myself for two decades, and it dawned on me that I really have to relearn how to love myself by taking care of my very basic needs to feel whole as a person.
A few years ago after being treated for years really bad.I decided to start caring and loving and supporting myself.
That's awesome! You are amazing for doing that for yourself! Good for you!!! Keep on treating yourself as valuable...because you are!!!
I'm sorry but i just had to laugh when you said "you have a jerk walking around with you all the time" because I just pictured a little guy running after me screaming mean things😂 I think its so funny to me because I like to do that to myself and it just shows so vividly how, at the end of the day, incredibly unreasonable it is to do that. I really hope I, from now on, always see this little angry man running after me when I'm being mean to myself
😂 that’s pretty much what it is though!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
I have been needing this video, thank you Dr. Scott! Also, I recently took care of some things I was procrastinating, it was immediate relief of a lot of anxiety and depression. I fought with myself for weeks to just make a list of them .
My family were emotionally abusive and were very critical of good things I did. I have not seen my family in 20 years but what they told l still believe because l say if my family did not like me why should anyone else. Listener in Uk
Same here. It’s a deep wound that’s hard to heal. Your family is supposed to love you. Mine didn’t so I thought if my family can’t love me why would anybody else love me? Working on it. Best to you!
Thank you hope you can achieve the life you want and be happy. All the best.
In my early 20s I told a psychiatrist "If my family doesn't love me who would?" Unfortunately he was not a good psychiatrist. Not once did he tell me my family was f**cked or unhealthy or that I was being abused. Instead the focus was all on me and how I 'processed' the abuse. There is no good way to process abuse except recognize it and leave. I needed to hear that it wasn't ME but he never once told me that. I ended up leaving my family and also the psychiatrist because I changed cities. I never once got the affirmation I needed from that psychiatrist that I was inherently an OK person.
Your family are the people in the wrong they did not appreciate the person you were and are, same as mine you are a decent person who was just looking for positive feedback, well believe me when l say other people will not think of you as your family did and when that happens you will realise you are a likeable and loveable person. Good luck in all you do and find positive peple who will lift your self worth. listener from uk ❤
The 23 minutes you spent with me was a direct answer to prayer and an emotionally huge moment of realization for myself at 47....not that I didn't know it, but that I have never truly acknowledged the evidence of this almost ' auto- immune' type diseased perspective . I acknowledged that today,and it was the most intentionally loving thing I've done for myself, probably in years. Thank you for your time. ~T
This is much needed. So many of our destructive behaviors and addictions come from always trying to escape our selves.
The thing is most of us used to have positive self talk but it has faded due to trials and tribulations. Time to get it back!
When I started my healing journey, I developed this nagging sense that I had a really warm, supportive friend, but i couldnt for the life of my name who i was thinking of, id go through the names of all my female friends and think no, im not thinking of her. Then one day it struck me, it's me! Im my own warm supportive friend! As time went by,I'dd forgotten thi until i ran across this video in my feed. Recently, I'd been feeling utterly friendless, bereft, and I couldn't think why. Now I know why - I'd forgotten my self, id been treating myself so poorly, I'd lost that warm inner friend I used to be for myself. Thank you for this, I'm going to go make her feel better and get back my warm inner friend 🧡
For Maddy - I rebelled against all my parent’s wishes and dreams for me. I made every effort to do exactly the opposite of what my parents wanted for me. It’s a process to forgive yourself of whatever you think you did that let them down or betrayed them. You’ll want to be here to tell your story later in life. Things will turn around for you. I promise you will learn a lesson (or more) to help others who are struggling with the same thing. You CAN forgive yourself. Your parents- well, you have no control over what they think or feel. You did what you thought was right at the time. Give yourself a break and let go of blaming yourself. If you believe in God, turn to Him and ask Him to lighten your burden and make a path for you that leads you to forgiveness. He will. Don’t give up. Sending love to you.
The analogies in this are GOLD. GOLD!!!
Oh this hits home HARD! I am the king of invalidating myself!
When I recall past mistakes I say to myself “I learned from these mistakes or sins and have matured as a result.” I then get back to the present moment.
Thanks doc, needed this reminder. Treating myself like 💩
No details needed, lost a lot recently, no guts left to move on. But I (we) have to. ✌
You've been walking through the convoluted pathways in my head again! It really hit home when you pointed out that I am talking to myself exactly how my ex use to talk to me. I did not like it then, so why, why am I doing it to myself? Thank you Dr. Scott
This makes perfect sense and I wish I could implement these strategies. I have tried to be better to myself but I have such a deep seated hatred for myself that I can't convince myself I deserve it. I feel like every time I try, I'm lying to myself.
I get you. Same here. Truth is berating ourselves is used as incentive to go into action and we believe it's the only way to get us going. We will not give it up unless we find a replacement. At the moment, I deliberately expose myself to stop any action if I have coerced myself to do it. Intelligence tells me it's unhealthy and nothing I accomplish ever gives me serenity, if I haven't had that state of mind as new default state. Happiness without reason seems dangerous- but why? Because we fear a freight train rushing in and demolishing all ? Yes, sometimes things get taken from us and we lose trust. But haven't we dealt with it early on and survived ? We just need to change the tool now and not use the hammer on anything, particularly not ourselves, all the time.
To not berating myself for berating myself, I try to tell me "you can keep on doing it. But it still is kind of stupid and you could get playful and try something new as it's become boring"
Me too❤
I am in constant self pity mode...which is really unpleasant and to come out it i use self hatred
I went through a phase of really treating myself like garbage in my late teens and early 20's. I was going through a dark traumatic time and I took it out on myself. I was anorexic, doing drugs and having impulse control issues. I'm seriously surprised I survived it! I'm definitely better now but I'm still not always kind to myself.
I'm getting much better at gentle and encouraging self talk - I'm struggling though to put it into practice out in the real world. The need for validation/confirmation from others to know I am doing it right is still strong.
It's like I know all the effort I put into me but, when someone doesn't see/care (ie boss, friends, fam) I wonder if I've overhyped myself. The self doubt creeps in that maybe I'm swinging too far from apathy to egoism. Sometimes our own validation isn't enough.. we need to have verification from others we are doing it right.
We do need encouragement from others too. We can take that as a bonus when it comes. If we are too down on ourselves, we can't even believe it when we do get it from others though.
Sometimes it's that the people in our lives have their own issues that prevent them from meeting emotional needs and should be dropped.
@@amberinthemist7912 It depends on the relationship we have w/ that person, and also how depressed we are. W/ friends and family, we have to give them some latitude. If we are severely depressed, most people aren't well equipped to handle that. They may care, they just can't fill that horrible void for us when we're really down.
Worst First, is how I tackle a list that overwhelms me.
These 2 words pushed me to focus on my #1 issue. I am contacting Dr. Phil today. A few years back, I was sexually molested by my grandson. I told my son & my DIL turned everything on me. My grandson recently married a girl with a 7 yr old daughter. Your 2 words were God sent!!!! You never know who you will help when U post a comment.
About the last point First-Things-First, I can spent enormous of energy and time to do the first difficult thing and neglect all the other minor things that could be grease/energy/momentum to get to the point to tackle the difficult thing.
I got one thing done but a disaster all round me.
This is a good example how most profound things are hidden in plain sight. But as with all profound things, they are difficult to understand and scale, if not closely experienced and lived with.
I wish I could understand myself. My mind is so negative that I will never recover. Too much abuse as a child and adult.
I suspect there are a few of us around, reading these comments.
This is absolitely the truth. Simple. Direct. And unbelievably kind.as a recovered addictbthe root of all my addictions is self hate which is rooted in my disconnection from my trye self. Thank you❤
Scott, Your approach of helping people with your special "delivery" style is remarkable!
For meeeeee Don't feel worthy because I never accomplished anything in my poor miserable life but I'm trying to fight my bad side of me don't want to carry my failure and fault no achievements how sad and angry I am
Same
Omg wow... I am really trying to improve myself. For the 1st time in my life, I want to be happy. And to get able to forgive myself for everything I have done wrong in my life. I am starting with myself, so this video means so much to me right now. Last night, I wrote a letter to my inner child saying sorry for all I went through as a kid. When no one else was there. It was truly healing for me 😊 I'm going to take it to my psychiatrist when I see him next. I know he will be proud of me as I am of myself. You are truly an angel 😇 sent from heaven. I'm super excited to hear more videos from you to help me along my healing journey 😊❤ keep being you and make sure you look after yourself and family too 😊 cheers from down under lol 😂❤
I know that feeling very well, of every time I made a request to do something, it was always to wait. There was never doing it right now. I'd be told a few minutes or an hour and it would be several hours later, but often w/ another reminder. That sort of sets something more right in my mind about a last relationship. I try and tell myself it wasn't too bad in the early years, but it mostly was. I know this is about the relationship we have w/ ourselves, but if we have poor boundaries, and continually allow bad treatment from others, that's a strong sign we don't believe we deserve better.
Thank you for all of your videos!! I haven’t listened to all of this yet but I know it’s going to be invaluable. I just wanted to request you do a video if possible on healthy parent-adult child relationships especially when trying to regain your independence from a codependent parental relationship. Going through it now myself and it seems to be a cycle. Sometimes doesn’t feel like there’s ever a light at the end of the tunnel because I am currently being triggered daily. Thank you❤
I can really relate to you!!!
I don’t know How to turn loose of that relationship we had for soo long! There’s No Switch that turns it off⁉️Good Luck!
Patrick Teahan LICSW has a lot of good content on that.
😢😭😢😭thank you!
Its not just a mid west USA thing not wanting to appear arrogant or boasting...think its prob world wide(UK here)...sad when it gets to stage of not even recognising when you do something good or friendly or nice so it goes unacknowleged😢 yep thats me, hate myself, no good to anyone, total failure in life, constant yak yak in my head and I just accept it!
Am at the stage of giving up, think I already have😢
Depression and Anxiety (probably social) all my life, totally exhausted.
This will be my last shot at trying to even like myself!
Thank you for what you do, you are a wonder❤
This video describes so perfectly what my current problem is. Kinda scary tbh
Yeah I mean this is as simple straightforward video as any, but it's the kind that you really can keep coming back to time, and again, each time finding endless depths of profound information. Truly, the message here can't be overstated enough. If you don't understand your machine (yourself) through and through, how in the heck do you think you have the credibility, or qualifications necessary to offer your opinion or tell another person the way they should be doing xyz if you can't do it or frame it for yourself? It's absolutely mind-blowing to me this logic. So learn you, support you, teach you, be you...
Exactly!
Your a blessing in my life: thank you for your videos.
On your point regarding praise. In Sweden we call it "jante-lagen", it is an unwritten rule that you should never ever praise yourself or highlight any achievement at all for your self. So it is not just a midwestern thing.
Thanks for sharing!
❤ this video especially the part about meeting your own needs because I struggle to follow through with basic necessities like eating.
230am.this is when the pain crawls out of my heart,sneeks😪out of my eyes, rolls 💧slowly down my cheeks😢💦
💦
I am sorry you go through that. It's at 4 am for me.
you are a poet- if that makes you smile.
pain creates poetry. tk care of yourself please n find community of loving friends
2:30AM for me too. Like clockwork.
❤
Dr Scott, this is Amazing. I'm 62 and realize I felt like I was never good enough at many aspects of my life when I was a teen & young adult. Verbal abuse is horrible. Also, I don't think you "lied" about there being 5 things instead of 4. I think you "realized there's actually 5 things I need to teach y'all regarding this subject." 😁🤠🥰
Thank you for giving out diamonds.
That was so incredibly helpful. I want to listen to it many times and show to my son. Also thank you so much for being so clear
Wow. So helpful. I’m on my way to go do my most difficult stuff first. I always knew that was a good idea, but doing it as a gift to my future self will be the reason. Thank you for showing me how to start loving myself.
This is one of the most insightful clip on TH-cam. I hope more people will reach to your channel
Id join if i coukd, as you can see by my pic , its been a true life nightmare- youve helped me sit UP a day or 2..if i cld walk, work, get my car back.... keep my house... all I ever heard from people was I was the strongest person they knew where do you hide your cape how do you sleep for 3 hours and take care of ICU patients for 16 hours a day go to PTA meeting sell Girl Scout cookies. Now I don't even have a bank account Dr Scott I don't know if I can go on
Oh, my gosh. So sorry. May God help you regain all you have lost and have so much more of everything good in your life. I hope you do something, anything, that might bring your spirits up. I listen to guided meditations. Here on TH-cam there is a lady, Jess Shepherd, who puts out the most wonderful meditations. The TH-cam title is: Rising Higher. I listen to them all the time. While working, especially. May God give you strength and hope. ❤
@Dani-ICU-RN - You CAN...and you WILL make things better. I am in a similar whirlpool state of mind with different circumstances. Negative thoughts crowded out all others for five months. Then I started to learn new 'skills'...not just to cope, but to heal and make things as good as I can. I am listening to this premiere...and crying. This man has lived it; and he communicates the remedies beautifully. My own progress has been agonizingly slow - and I have had very dark thoughts of 'leaving'. Now I am seeing incrementally quicker progress, and accepting them as 'wins'.
Overwhelmed, overtired, anhedonic, anxious and deeply depressed...it is all starting to slowly fade in favor of new perspectives. I still practice 'letting go'. I have also made some good progress calming my 'doom and gloom' viewpoint. I am here for the duration. I am actively making things better. Though the timeline is still way too long, it is what it is. Keep searching for and adopting a calm way of seeing your situation. It works. It works for me. It will work for you. Best wishes.
@@stevec404 Keep going, dear friend.
hope this doesn’t sound like the heartless cliches of telling a depressed person to just be happy but have you tried gratitude journaling or prayer. Just using a few minutes and saying “im thankful atleast i have a beating heart, a roof on the head, a mind that works, a body that moves, etc” n give yourself credit for what u r accomplishing daily. take 5 mins to catch the sun n smile. n if u believe then mentally cast your burdens on Him n believe that it will come to pass at the right time.
hope this helps you.
@@hashh2019 All great suggestions. It’s hard to do in that state, but even a tiny effort goes a long way. I also found out another thing that’s worked exceptionally well for me: to notice anything nice, like how pretty the blue is in the sky……any small thing that’s pretty or nice……. It’s easy to do, if you can do it to begin with, but it’s a quick way to shift attention and energy. May we all be blessed.
Give yourself praise 👏
I've always been very hard on myself that way. The analogy of a person doing the very same thing to me in childhood was eye opening.
This makes perfect sense. I get it but I can’t feel it.. I have my own disciplineries and punishments. That’s what happens when I sit with myself!! Distract distract don’t eat already too fat, distract distract. I’ve decided you are my new therapist.
I’m just beginning to treat myself with respect. I’m not so bad!
As a mom of three there are days that I say I will drink water when I do this this and this. Or I’ll use the bathroom when I’m done with this. I forget to eat. Not healthy at. 😮😢 someone told me to treat myself as 6 year old me. I would never let a child not use the bathroom or not eat. ❤
Listening to this was a great gift to myself
If I am looking for ways to benefit myself and move forward in life, I am my best support. No need to look for anyone else. I am not a burden to myself. I am actually my own mentor! Thank you for this perspective, I never looked at it in quite this way. I cant stand being around jerks! This was really good, it helped me alot today.❤ Learn how to trust and rely on myself.
I can totally relate! The Midwest is a very humble place where you do not draw attention to yourself.
Wow! Thank you so much for this video. I started watching with a bit of a dismissive thought like, "Yeah, yeah. I know. I beat myself up alot." While I have indeed been working on that, this talk was so much more comprehensive and insightful. It outlined the roots of the overall problem clearly, making it so much more intelligible. Rather than simply catching, and trying to stop, my more overt self-abusive behaviours, I was able to identify with why the problem is so pervasive. I find these talks extremely helpful and relatable. Once again, thank you so much for all the work you do both here, and all of your seriously admirable endeavours.
I bought your book. I'm loving it.
I am going to buy his book. I have a small stack of already-read self-helps. Have higher hopes, however, for Dr. Eilers'.
This builds on the talk you did on the coach-turned-sport announcer who always could see the positive that most missed. And you said we needed to become that positive coach/commentator for ourselves. Now you’re giving specifics on how to do that. Thank you!!!!
The degrees on the wall being slightly slanted makes it look like Dr. Eilers is on a rocky boat.
Great video, too. Appreciate your channel so much.
It's exposure therapy for viewers with OCD
Gosh now i cant take my eyes off since you brought it to attention
@@hashh2019 I never noticed at all. Thankfully there's no OCD.
Life is a rocky boat. It's a metaphor for life.
@@DrScottEilers 😂
I don’t want a jerk following me anymore. Most practical advice. Thank you.
On past 7 days o got that I’m so procrastinating and before I didn’t blame myself and now, in age of 19 I finally understood, what is key. I couldn’t get it before like some things that people telling for you, I thought I’m my own master, but then depression etc and I got lost in way “let’s faith be kind” and it didn’t. Or maybe it was, I can’t say.
I always heard, but never accepted that All my life is relies on me, and now I feel. Like many things in life we couldn’t understand and soon will.. thank you)
This is the first time that I can’t agree with you. Because I got memory loss for time to time and My Family and my friends talk about me doing horrible and terribles things to other people or themselves that I don’t remember. If wasn’t because I seen myself recorded in videos even almost killing my best friend I wouldn’t believe them. I CANNOT COUNT EVEN WITH MYSELF because I can’t remember what I do from time to time. But I really love this video and I Hope that can help other people and THANK YOU for helping humanity who suffer from mental illness 🙏🏻
I needed this..❤
So true for me. Thanks Dr Scott.
Wow! Thank you.
Thank you❤
Thank you 😢
Oh my gosh! Everything you said makes SO much sense. I am definitely self-deprecating. I think I justified it by thinking it was funny: "Ha ha, look at the stupid thing I did" etc. And I like that you gave examples of each and your suggestions on how to be nicer to ourselves.
Thank you, perfect timing. ❤ You're amazing.
Thank you.