Make sure you talk to someone who Is ACTUALLY compassionate… there are people who will actually use your vulnerability against you. Beware of those things. People need to EARN the right to your vulnerability. Otherwise it can do more harm than good… I wish you told it in the video
I wonder how common this is for a parent to say to their child. My mother always said that, and she'd add ''I'm going to tell so and so in church about it'' and i dont even remember about what. But it does make you feel guilty and shamed and I carry it still, I need to find a way to not feel it, but I cant find it.
Hey Dr Scott. I have done embarrassing things, betrayal things, things I handled badly, 50+ years of things I wish I hadn’t done. They haunt me. I dream about them so can’t forget no matter how much I try. Can you cover dreams? Please, if you can. ❤
@@lancer4709and if those people are dead or dont want your apology? And what if I dont believe in God? And don’t want to. Please handle your world your way. Thats not the answer for everyone.
I probably haven’t changed the course of anyone’s life in a bad way, I’ve always hurt myself more and before anyone else. I went through adolescence and early adulthood with mental health problems. There will be people and incidences that have long forgotten. I’ve always tried to be kind - but I’ve still fucked up, been stupid, been pathetic. And on and on and on. The more I try and be different the more I end up being me. And I don’t really like me. I’m not sure if these helpful comments are helping. I also have a problem with over sharing…..
Turn to God and plead to Him to have the strength to endure the future, come what may. By turning to God and giving him permission to change you, mysterious good things will happen ✝️
The fact that you even feel guilty shows you’re not truly a bad person deep down. Understand that human beings all do things that we wish we didn’t do. The best way to live your life is to acknowledge it, accept it, forgive yourself, and fill you life with as much love as possible. ❣️
I cannot afford to be in therapy currently and my mother just passed away. I am an addict and I did some things that I am extremely ashamed of to my mother and my family and friends in my addiction. I just wanted to say thank you for these videos because they have been immensely helpful, as I want to change my life in honor of my mother. Thank you again and please continue the wonderful work that you are doing.
I do hope you found comfort and may you find peace within. I pray your struggles are less today than yesterday. I don't know you but you are human and we Make mistakes and we learn from them. I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. 😢 May God uplift you and may you find comfort in sobriety.
Depending on where you live, there maybe be services for you that are based on a sliding scale, including free counseling. I know because it’s happened to me. If you’re in the US, find out if you have a county mental health center.
The part about our behaviors not always aligning with our values really hit home. I never understood how I could do things (in the past) that literally made me hate myself, yet not always be able to stop it or change it either. I am ashamed of many things. This is very helpful!
Not uncommon. Sounds like you had needs that were not being met and did not know how to ask for them. It’s okay. You can forgive yourself. Grant yourself permission. -Best wishes
What helps me is to realise we always did the best that we could in three face of the stresses we were facing and the skills we had at the time. If you’re the kind of person who who like to be forgiving and kind to others, you need to apply that same understanding to yourself. We all did the best that we could do at the time
@@auspicious6703 thank you!!! 💗 You're so right! They were coping mechanisms for unresolved trauma. I was pretty much brainwashed to believe I was trash, so I treated myself like trash.
Hey! We all have dark sides that reside within us all, duality hot/cold, bitter/sweet, big/small good and not so good knowing about is the first step to overcome- good luck on your journey
Another video of his that hits home to me. Every day my brain reminds me of my poor choices, shortcomings etc in the past. Every day it pulls me down. It shows me the faces of those I wronged, those bullies I cowered from, the situations I failed. Its torture. I think much of it is my brain’s way of keeping me alert to possible threats (even though the things all happened 15+ years ago).
Prior to my ADHD dx, I felt much guilt and shame about past behaviours but I always had this idea that I could learn, grow, change... but now I see how so many of the things I hated about myself were connected to a physical disability that I cannot change. It IS part of who I am, which has made these feelings so much more intense and persistent.
1- shame is only helpful at the denial stage of a problem. Once one accepts that a problem exists and decides to change, shame has done its job 2- second step is to switch or bring shame back to its place as a guilt, i.e. to recognize that doing smth bad not equals I am bad 3- third step is to talk about your sources of shame and share with other people to receive feedback of compassion, empathy, understanding. Once you see that you are not that person anymore, you are taking steps that bring you away from being that person or from doing those things, and you receive feedback from other people, you will realize that shame has ran its course.
You have a brilliant way of articulating inner emotions that haunt us. We carry it because at some point in time they were important events that we never forget forever. Your addressing and clarifying some of these long held grievances, does help me deal with these taunts.
"Cognitive distortion" - the only outcome a seven year old can have when faced with psychological trauma. Five steps of change - I have been in a protracted 'action' phase for over a decade! That is a reflection of the nearly 70 years of shame I have carried. There has been good progress...and the inner war has not yet been won by either 'side'. How do I keep at it?. I have learned that we can not know how close we really are to victory; and quitting is the capitulation to a failure mindset that never should have been mine in the first place. It's a good thing I have always had a robust sense of humor...it has literally been a lifesaver.
Im seeking to look for therapy and I have changed over the years I've made a bad mistake when I was young and I regret it deeply and my mind was racing through the worst like proper bad outcomes and stuff it was getting out of hand im still in that sort of mindset but I am shaming and doubting myself over who I am and the truth is I'm holding myself to a high standard which I need to accept that I'm human and I've made a singular mistake in my life this video is so helpful to understand and a good break down thank you so much ❤
Hello friends. I'm a 25 year old female. I have spend my entire life creating a victim narrative, I have ruined relationships anf good jobs because of my temper and my bad attitude. I'm in a relationship now, with a good man. We have talked a lot and it helped me to do some self reflection. At some point in life it isn't my family or parent's guilt anymore. I have chosed and acted bad. It is on me. I want to change, but I can't deny I feel this terrible guilt and shame, as if the only solution would be to press a reset button and start living again from the start.
I feel you. I’m 20 and I spent my past blaming everything and fucked shit up baddd…all i think ab is the past for a year n a half now since my ex left me the fact u actually recognize it and willing to change shows a lot about you tbh not many take that kind of accountability there’s ppl that stay stuck on their ways b don’t wanna change in their 40s 50s I feel you what ur saying tho u seem like a genuine person and that’s rare now days
Dear stranger, I just want to congratulate you for doing the brave thing that is to accept and confront your past wrongs. God be with you and bless you
This is so helpful. Because when one takes life seriously one cannot help but be critical of one‘s mistakes, ignorance and naivety - one is so ashamed of realizing that one could have done things so very much better. I find it hard to forgive myself (having been a perfectionist 😕) because I have so much more self awareness now and seem to have grown up far too late. All you say is so true! But I am not at the stage where I trust to share my shame with others - I don‘t believe yet in peoples‘s empathy, because people just love to judge and feel they are better and would NEVER have reacted in the same way…… that will make me feel so much worse. Thanks again, you are amazing and so clear!
Don't be ashamed for that! It's not a matter of age. When I was younger I used to think that when I grew older I would be much wiser. Now I feel like it's not fair, where is all the wisdom and enlightment? 😅
@@CeliaMaria-lo8cx Don't sell ya self short , humans aren't that smart . They more or less just monkeys . A fcking parrot can speak English , a chimp can do basic tasks humans can also .
I live in a small town in which the hospital system says, “We don’t do that here,” when you when you ask for a diagnosis for suspected life-long problems. So here I am in middle age. But that statement alone alleviated much of my shame, since they were already treating me for the stuff they couldn’t diagnose, because that’s the evidence that society (read: other people) is certainly not better or more capable than I am…so why be ashamed?
Thank you so much for elucidating shame.. I have tremendous shame and have been making major positive changes in my life. Dealing with the shame is among the hardest thing I've had to do in my adult life.
I didn't know about the difference between guilt and shame. This is an incredibly helpful talk about shame which can have so much power and impact on moving forward with your life.
Doctor Scott, you are a blessing. This feeling of dread and shame has been taking over me for like a month or so now. I can't sleep in peace, I have stopped eating properly, all I can do is think about my shameful past and actions and cry and obssess over it. My friend and mother have tried talking me into therapy but I've been feeling a certain level of resistance about it, but with this video I think I've finaly made up my mind to take that big step. Thank you so much. May God bless your soul, your life and your family ❤
If someone is out there without guilt imo they must be a physchopath. And I do not believe there is anyone who watches Dr Scott is a physchopath because you simply wouldn't be watching him. Good luck and love to you all
The liability of shame when already in an (action) advanced stage of change. I am listening. My guilt/shame IS ME. How does one let go of themselves? Thoughts are habitual...you know yourself and us too well. I have been stuck in a maddening cycle of backsliding as shame morphs from a motivator to a jailer. Turn that shame back into guilt...kick it out of the 'I AM' internalized form to the 'I DID/MADE' externalized one. My inner 'enemy' is clearer to me now. I know its stratecy and tactics better, thank you. As far as taking: "...a very, very long time" to accomplish the exit of shame, you have that right! And that is important to remember - I/we can not know how close the finish line really is. "Never give up - Never surrender" (Galaxy Quest)
I've always felt stuck in the preparation stage. I want nothing more than to move beyond this season. I know what I need to do, I want to feel better, and I know how much better it will feel, yet I'm just stuck. I figured it was executive disfunction that was thwarting my will to heal. Again, I feel valid. The only therapist that explained the stages of change to me seemed to not be able to express that talking about shame would help. He simply said "lets dig deeper" and the like. I feel like my shame sits on the tip of my tounge and had that therapist prompted or asked if I was ashamed of anything, I might have been able to share and heal. You're the millennials Brene Brown. The expidited, lean footnotes from an actual professional. You mentioned in a video about the new batch of graduates entering the world, I feel like I've always only had access to them and not seasoned pros.
Dr. Scott won't reply... but, since I care,.. and feel the same way,.. I will. It sucks beyond words.. and using words never describes how hurtful the pain is... hope you can find peace 🫶
Genius. It’s true. Shame can be a severe liability, paradoxically it can cause you to have a desire to change. Brene brown deciphers the shame guilt concept well.
My heart goes out to you and you are not alone! What I try to do is think about other versions of myself and that at every moment I have a choice what side I of myself I am going to show others. I have the choice to be loving say kind things be generous and thoughtful. What matters is how I act in this moment, not inviting in a haunted scary version of myself from the past.
Please don't hate yourself and CERTAINLY don't even think about ending things!! The fact that you feel so much remorse about the things you have done and the person you were just shows how much you have grown!! AND that you are a good person. Praying for you ❤
I was raised on the basis of shame. As in, I was made to always feel shame about everything I did as an undiagnosed ADHD and autistic child in the 80s and 90s. I felt embarrassed about every single thing in my life because that was the one thing I learned to perceive about every single thing and how everybody else may potentially see me. Now I am simply ashamed of the fact that i lived like this, I regret how much of my life I lost to shame. I did ensure to leave ut all behind the moment I cut off my family and "killed off" my past self that i was made to be by them. I live much more at peace now, but I still am resentful of holding so much of my life back because "I did as I was told."
Dr. Scott, I would love a video about doing really hard scary things that you are avoiding. Things you would typically get exposure therapy for. For example, I feel extreme terror about just opening my thesis proposal edits or any emails from my advisor. I don’t know how to get through this because when I finally check it, I feel more scared, not less. Ripping off the bandaid seems like the only way but I can never bring myself to do it.
I have shame for not wanting to be with people. Humans are designed to be social for many reasons. I find peace in solitude and feel a certain amount of guilt for not wanting to be around others as if it is somehow wrong.
Thank you. I understand now why my shame has lessened. Recently I started sharing things I'm ashamed about with my spouse. He reacted in a supportive way and it's somehow become less painful. Something really bad happened lately and I didn't jump to a place of shame, but rather guilt. Normally I would have been drowned in thoughts of being a disgusting, worthless person but it didn't go there this time. Doesn't mean the thoughts didn't come up, but they were fleeting and didn't take over. What a change.
Had to pause at undeer 3 minutes in. The talk is about guilt and shame...shame from guilt that has become part of who we are...not of what we did. My level of frustration and anger has risen too high to bear for the moment. I learned long go that my early trauma had me believing that I was the failure, unworthy, etc. For all the progress I have made in understanding and healing from that negative imprinting...I still struggle daily with those thoughts that act like quicksand trying to pull me backward. My message to anyone reading this who is in a similar predicament is this. Use inner frustration and anger as a motivator to continue to distance from destructive programming no matter what those programs still do to us. There is no alternative. None.
Here is an ironic story, I did not do anything wrong, followed morals and still ended feeling guilt and shame. Why? My best friend said I should be most guiltfree person seeing how I have lived My life. But I feel guilty because of not choosing happiness Over morality. Guilty of being kind to a limit where people hurt and betrayed me. Of not being rich enough by hook or crook so as to protect myself from this evil world. For denying marriage for money. Those guys were offering financial stability but I thought it is wrong to use someone for money. Now I feel, I should have just used them for money as they felt it was OK. My goodness brought Me misery.
I think, It s Your emotional condition....You would feel guilty , ashamed or miserable ....even If You married for Money!!! You do Not have to be Young and Beautyful to marry s o wealthy....id You are funny or kind ..You still can do it!!! Try to SNAP Out of Your feelings of regret....try therapie ...or a hobby;!! Marriages can go terribly wrong ...Don t hang in to ,,If I only"..... You are still You, a great Person ...try to be a little forgiving with Yourself!!! Kind regards!!!
Why live morally to honor morality? It’s useless. Joy is found in living morally to honor the Lord. It’s never too late to dedicate our morality, past and present, to the Lord.
I live by my own morale-compass...and even managed to fail these Rules sometimes.... And these failures I regret! But I don t live by some externalized , Moses-like ruler...so I do not have to regret my decisions., when they were guided by dicency...I have matured into a person with some believes!....Some call me too virtuos, some to free or loose...it depends....bur I am not bothered....I know , I m no angel, but I have good standards.It cost time and pain to find them, but living by them gives me some peace!!!
Please do more about toxic shame and humiliation 😔 it destroys my life for more than 10 years ,, I don’t want it to destroy my family 😔😔 I’m in hell , I don’t want to transfer it ..they don’t deserve it😔😔😔😔😔
we all do mistakes, the only way out of shame is to set with it, either you talk it out loud or write it all in papers (cut them later) feel it, tell yourself what happened and why did it happen and how stupid it was, allow all the shame to come to the surface let it out. Then, remind your self how stupid it is to waste other 10 years thinking of something u did just because u r a human. I'm sure there are people who did worst than what u did. Forgive yourself. Forgive that version of u, he didn't know any better Forgive yourself Forgiveness is a key, I hope u start using it from now on, slowly. There are much more beautiful feelings u deserve to experience Haider!
Thank you for this. I did a podcast last night and delved alot into my anxiety depression and recovery life and today I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Although I know I shouldn't. I've shared alot about this before. But right now it's really taking me down. I will be better it think in a couple of days. Thanks for this chat ❤
Thank you. This is really valuable, helpful information. I frequently have to remind myself that I cannot change mentally painful things that happened in my childhood and adults years. We have only the present. The past is finished, and cannot be changed. The future, even a minute ahead, is not guaranteed, and can only motivate us to make plans, but plans are easily changed as circumstances change. So we have to look inward, as you say, and think only of repairing the person we are NOW. P.S. I hope you never stop making these videos. I love them.
Dr. Scott, you and Kati Morton here on TH-cam have helped me more than any professional I've seen in person. You two get it. Like really get it. Thank you ❤
There are things I did in the past... sincerely repented, amended where possible or safe, and accepted forgiveness (Divine and, where available, human)... moving on now from those behaviors, wiser and kinder. Acknowledged, accepted the fact of, and forgave ugly things done to me by others... holding no IOUs for anything they might have once owed me. I'm too much gasping for survival breath right now to ruminate the already-processed past. That said, this suggests I need a regular mental review to be mindful if there are possible known issues I've not yet processed... things I couldn't handle before and buried. Come to think of it, that could be what the current troubles are supposed to bring up. 🤔
Hi there, Dr. Scott. This was one of the videos I first watched after discovering your channel. It was like healing balm to my mind and soul. I want you to know how much you have helped me with the information in this video and others. I once saw a therapist who, only after seeing her for 6 months, finally believed that I was really experiencing terrible fatigue. What a waste of time! Whereas with your videos, I truly feel like you understand what I'm going through, which is beyond refreshing. This video alone has earned my subscription. I've been binge-watching your videos ever since. Thank you so much, and keep up the great work!
I had a harder time understanding this one, I’m glad you put in the allegory about shopping because it helped. I’m looking forward to the next one! All I ever hear about shame these days is Brene Brown toxic shame stuff about how shame is always the thing wrong with your life. It felt ingenuine, so I read one of her books. I was confused the whole time. The type of shame she discusses can get very ephemeral and almost seem like she’s talking about something else. I’m sure she isn’t, but the way it’s delivered really confused me and didn’t help me actually understand my own shame. It’s nice to go back to the basic definition (blaming and hating on yourself for things you felt guilty about). I also super appreciate how nuanced you always are, like how you said shame can be helpful just like how there is such a thing as healthy distraction from hard emotions.
Dropping another ton of truth. Thank you. I keep saving your videos in a playlist. Did I tell you my therapist and I watch your videos during our sessions? She agrees so much with your lessons and therapy philosophy. We are learning from you.
Thank you, Scott, for this. I tend to be really hard on myself so this means so much. The truth is, most people aren't thinking about me. They're too busy thinking about other things (or, should be).
I am a francophone but I appreciate so much how good are your explanations!! Really clearly articulated, efficient and helpful! Thank you for your good work shared with us!
Thank you for this video, really couldn’t have come at a better time! At this moment I am working through some difficult circumstances and am moving forward with some acceptance. Which is clearly easier said than done. There are some deep seated feelings shame and guilt I am hoping with help from my loved ones and professionals help I can get to a place where this time in my life is behind me.❤
The thing is about my past I never ever intentionally or otherwise hurt anyone but I sure did hurt myself with my choices and actions. So it's not so much guilt and shame I feel, it's anger.
Thanks, Dr. Scott for making this video. I'm struggling with past shame and guilt badly. You mentioned that Guilt can help one move past those stages of change. I was wondering, is there a way to reduce Guilt? My guilt has been haunting me and shackled me from taking action. Secondly, are Regrets and Guilt the same thing? I'm having trouble distinguishing them. Thank you again for all your videos. They've kept me grounded in my darkest moments.
I was made to feel shame about anything and everything I couldn't control as a child, including, but not limited to my physical state(I got Fibromyalgia REALLY early on) and mental state(I just found out I have ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder). I suffer at the hands of my own demons every single time one or all of them act up. Despite knowing that it's not my fault. Therapy is good to me, but it's been a long journey already and still have a long way to go.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Scott, I never knew, until watching this video, that guilt and shame are different things, and that *guilt* comes before *shame* I struggle with forgiving myself for past wrongs and have been beating myself up for decades about *how bad I was* , not about how bad I am. I'm not BAD = I'm no longer experiencing SHAME. I've just realised that I've unknowingly worked through the former shame/be-ing ashamed and have moved forward (or backwards
Past choices, regrets, and failures do keep you chained when you are now and inmate in a prison system. Families do the time with their loved ones, unfortunately.
Dr. Scott, thank you for this. What role does external shame play in our journey? When others make snap judgments about a behavior, wouldn’t that reinforce our own feelings of shame? How can we move past those hurtful comments?
This is very timely for me. I think I've been in the process of realizing this lately when it comes to my spending habits. I used to make myself watch financial content that made me feel guilty, then read the comments, which made me feel shameful. I thought one day, what's the point of this? What's the point of continuously bringing myself down over things that I cannot change? (as in the past, not my behaviors)
Thank you Dr. Scott. You help and make a difference. I like to know the "whys" of so much. You explain them. I wish you were my personal counselor. Thank you for your videos and really explaining so much. You are greatly appreciated.
I go back and forth -- berating myself for (now) perceived stupidity, realizing that in the end it is all for the best. Your videos are encouraging -- the best thing is to move forward, resolve to do or be better.
This was such an eye opener! Thank you Scott for this valuable insight! It will indeed make my perspective realistic rather than an exaggerated self blame.
Certainly I've done some things that I'm guilty of, that I did and would rather not have done, I'm human. My biggest source of shame is very clear, although not what to do about it. My brother and I were born to two young, ignorant, multigenerational damaged narcissists. Physical punishment started in infancy, and got worse as we became toddlers, on through childhood. I left home as soon as possible. I'm 74 now. The shame has been lifelong.
I was always scared that if I forgot about my shame, I'd slide back. But I guess that's not the case after all. I feel like it's always easy to shame others because you think you'll always stick to your morals and values, but there can come times when you do betray those. And it's not great. And wow, I never thought about the last one, but it's definitely something worth considering to do
This makes so much sense, also why shame piles up, cause you got all these issues that get stuck in "contemplation", like I need to quit drinking, I need to quit smoking, whatever. And the worst is that someone in contemplation mode is actually much more annoying than any other step. For example, having a cigarette with a smoker in contemplation mode is like "dude, just let me enjoy my cigarette". So its important to move past this point. But then that becomes shameful too I guess, and it just piles on and on and on and on
Isn’t shame also a lot about having been shamed? Having learned over years about others wanting to put us in ‘our’ place? I have heard at least since the age of 4 how I don’t deserve, should be ashamed of myself etc.
Too many regrets to count. I find it's rough knowing my youth was spent just trying to handle mental illness. Now that I've stumbled on some "cures" and am out of fight or flight it's still in the background. Life
I don't live in shame because I'm afraid of back-sliding into anything. I live in shame because I deserve to live in shame. I don't believe in hell but if it existed, I would go willingly. Since I don't believe that's going to happen, I deserve unhappiness in this life.
I have had 2 major moments that I have actually felt and don't know what it's called. It's like I have so many emotions hitting me at once. I literally feel like the blood, or something, is draining down from my head to my toes. It starts at the top, and runs down inside my body. The first time was when I caught my ex husband cheating, I got so weak, and I was so hurt, upset, angry, like all at once. The second time, when I realized that everything, everything I thought to be true, was a lie. I'm still not over that or through it
But sometimes it's necessary to look if the things we did/do are bad and we should feel guilty or if we are just looking for things we can feel guilty and be ashamed of because we know these feelings so well and heard it so often that we are a kind of addicted to it.
John chapter 8 NIV A Woman Caught in Adultery 8 Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, 2 but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. 3 As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. 4 “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” 6 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. 7 They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” 8 Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. 9 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. 10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” 11 “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
I had been forgave myself, really try to forgave myself but when something happened my critical father always seems to get those back my past, memories and make me feel bad abt it and it's just unending cycle that I've been lived on, i try to defend myself and really feel bad abt it and he just kept going and kept going can't and don't want to see the growth in me
+now something happened really try to see my past, I never had a proper growth I seem to stuck in unending exhausting cycle where my father puts me cause he cannot stand seeing me growing, and he just want me to be the little girl he can controls, with his unreasonable beliefs
How to forgive yourself for something reeeeally bad that were totally out of character? What if you already have done a complete change of yourself and still feel like you can't ever be forgiven?
Anyone can do anything if put under enough stress and pressure. That’s just human nature and it applies to all of us. As goes the quote ‘I am a man, I consider nothing that is human alien to me’. Instead of beating yourself up, have compassion for yourself and for the strain that you were under that led you to crack and behave out of character. Like you said, it was out of character, meaning it’s not who you are.
You forgive yourself period. No matter how “reeeeeally bad” your action may have been. Whatever it was, was meant to happen, and is now in the past. You can harbor shame, or turn it to guilt and take action to behave differently next time. Treat whatever you had done (again, no matter the severity) as a part of your path, and learn from it. Whatever it was, it was meant to go the way it did. This happened already, we are now in the present moment, work from here, the present moment and do better if what you did was a bad thing.
Guilt=I did something bad. Shame=I am bad
Thanks for that, it's such an easy way to remember the difference between the two and separate the differences.😊
Excellent summary
both
Brene Brown...:)
Make sure you talk to someone who Is ACTUALLY compassionate… there are people who will actually use your vulnerability against you. Beware of those things. People need to EARN the right to your vulnerability. Otherwise it can do more harm than good… I wish you told it in the video
100%
Excellent point. I have an experience that proves your point. Your point is extremely important.
Learned this the hard way a few hours ago 😅
This is really true. Many people can weaponise your vulnerability.
@@dsleech Yeah, narcissists especially...
I grew up hearing,"You should be ashamed of yourself." I suffer guilt over everything. Nothing makes a difference anymore. Just what is.
As a kid I heard that almost daily. Mostly about things I had no control over.
@@alexiswinter6948 I'm sorry you experienced that.
I wonder how common this is for a parent to say to their child. My mother always said that, and she'd add ''I'm going to tell so and so in church about it'' and i dont even remember about what. But it does make you feel guilty and shamed and I carry it still, I need to find a way to not feel it, but I cant find it.
Hey Dr Scott. I have done embarrassing things, betrayal things, things I handled badly, 50+ years of things I wish I hadn’t done. They haunt me. I dream about them so can’t forget no matter how much I try. Can you cover dreams? Please, if you can. ❤
@@lancer4709yes make amends
@@lancer4709and if those people are dead or dont want your apology? And what if I dont believe in God? And don’t want to.
Please handle your world your way. Thats not the answer for everyone.
Recipe for disaster.
Forgive them and forgive yourself for whatever caused you to behave this way. Write to them. Send it or don’t. Be real. I’d pray to Yahweh.
I probably haven’t changed the course of anyone’s life in a bad way, I’ve always hurt myself more and before anyone else. I went through adolescence and early adulthood with mental health problems. There will be people and incidences that have long forgotten. I’ve always tried to be kind - but I’ve still fucked up, been stupid, been pathetic. And on and on and on. The more I try and be different the more I end up being me. And I don’t really like me. I’m not sure if these helpful comments are helping. I also have a problem with over sharing…..
24 years old. I’m convinced my mistakes will come back to ruin me in the future.
Everyone has made horrible mistakes when young. Start now by creating a life and being the person that you are proud of. You can’t change the past. ❤
Turn to God and plead to Him to have the strength to endure the future, come what may. By turning to God and giving him permission to change you, mysterious good things will happen ✝️
The fact that you even feel guilty shows you’re not truly a bad person deep down. Understand that human beings all do things that we wish we didn’t do. The best way to live your life is to acknowledge it, accept it, forgive yourself, and fill you life with as much love as possible. ❣️
I cannot afford to be in therapy currently and my mother just passed away. I am an addict and I did some things that I am extremely ashamed of to my mother and my family and friends in my addiction. I just wanted to say thank you for these videos because they have been immensely helpful, as I want to change my life in honor of my mother. Thank you again and please continue the wonderful work that you are doing.
Have you tried 12 step programs? Hope things work out for you. Take care and all the best.
I do hope you found comfort and may you find peace within. I pray your struggles are less today than yesterday. I don't know you but you are human and we Make mistakes and we learn from them. I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. 😢 May God uplift you and may you find comfort in sobriety.
May Allah bless you and your loved ones keep going!
Depending on where you live, there maybe be services for you that are based on a sliding scale, including free counseling. I know because it’s happened to me. If you’re in the US, find out if you have a county mental health center.
Read the freedom model
The part about our behaviors not always aligning with our values really hit home. I never understood how I could do things (in the past) that literally made me hate myself, yet not always be able to stop it or change it either. I am ashamed of many things. This is very helpful!
Not uncommon. Sounds like you had needs that were not being met and did not know how to ask for them. It’s okay. You can forgive yourself. Grant yourself permission.
-Best wishes
@@Job.Well.Done_01 thank you!!!! 💗
What helps me is to realise we always did the best that we could in three face of the stresses we were facing and the skills we had at the time.
If you’re the kind of person who who like to be forgiving and kind to others, you need to apply that same understanding to yourself.
We all did the best that we could do at the time
@@auspicious6703 thank you!!! 💗 You're so right! They were coping mechanisms for unresolved trauma. I was pretty much brainwashed to believe I was trash, so I treated myself like trash.
Hey! We all have dark sides that reside within us all, duality hot/cold, bitter/sweet, big/small good and not so good knowing about is the first step to overcome- good luck on your journey
Another video of his that hits home to me. Every day my brain reminds me of my poor choices, shortcomings etc in the past. Every day it pulls me down. It shows me the faces of those I wronged, those bullies I cowered from, the situations I failed. Its torture. I think much of it is my brain’s way of keeping me alert to possible threats (even though the things all happened 15+ years ago).
Ain't spontaneous recall great. Calling up those bad memories with no prompting. My mind has a mind of its own.
You can't stop the thoughts but you can choose how you deal with them.
or even nice nostalgia, and thinking 'those times are long gone'...
Prior to my ADHD dx, I felt much guilt and shame about past behaviours but I always had this idea that I could learn, grow, change... but now I see how so many of the things I hated about myself were connected to a physical disability that I cannot change. It IS part of who I am, which has made these feelings so much more intense and persistent.
Same. Glad you got the diagnosis!
Happy you discarded shame sir. 👍
1- shame is only helpful at the denial stage of a problem. Once one accepts that a problem exists and decides to change, shame has done its job
2- second step is to switch or bring shame back to its place as a guilt, i.e. to recognize that doing smth bad not equals I am bad
3- third step is to talk about your sources of shame and share with other people to receive feedback of compassion, empathy, understanding. Once you see that you are not that person anymore, you are taking steps that bring you away from being that person or from doing those things, and you receive feedback from other people, you will realize that shame has ran its course.
You have a brilliant way of articulating inner emotions that haunt us. We carry it because at some point in time they were important events that we never forget forever. Your addressing and clarifying some of these long held grievances, does help me deal with these taunts.
"Cognitive distortion" - the only outcome a seven year old can have when faced with psychological trauma. Five steps of change - I have been in a protracted 'action' phase for over a decade! That is a reflection of the nearly 70 years of shame I have carried. There has been good progress...and the inner war has not yet been won by either 'side'. How do I keep at it?. I have learned that we can not know how close we really are to victory; and quitting is the capitulation to a failure mindset that never should have been mine in the first place. It's a good thing I have always had a robust sense of humor...it has literally been a lifesaver.
Im seeking to look for therapy and I have changed over the years I've made a bad mistake when I was young and I regret it deeply and my mind was racing through the worst like proper bad outcomes and stuff it was getting out of hand im still in that sort of mindset but I am shaming and doubting myself over who I am and the truth is I'm holding myself to a high standard which I need to accept that I'm human and I've made a singular mistake in my life this video is so helpful to understand and a good break down thank you so much ❤
Hello friends. I'm a 25 year old female. I have spend my entire life creating a victim narrative, I have ruined relationships anf good jobs because of my temper and my bad attitude. I'm in a relationship now, with a good man. We have talked a lot and it helped me to do some self reflection. At some point in life it isn't my family or parent's guilt anymore. I have chosed and acted bad. It is on me. I want to change, but I can't deny I feel this terrible guilt and shame, as if the only solution would be to press a reset button and start living again from the start.
I feel you. I’m 20 and I spent my past blaming everything and fucked shit up baddd…all i think ab is the past for a year n a half now since my ex left me the fact u actually recognize it and willing to change shows a lot about you tbh not many take that kind of accountability there’s ppl that stay stuck on their ways b don’t wanna change in their 40s 50s I feel you what ur saying tho u seem like a genuine person and that’s rare now days
Dear stranger, I just want to congratulate you for doing the brave thing that is to accept and confront your past wrongs. God be with you and bless you
Well then do exactly that. Hit the reset button from where you are now and start from there.
This is so helpful. Because when one takes life seriously one cannot help but be critical of one‘s mistakes, ignorance and naivety - one is so ashamed of realizing that one could have done things so very much better. I find it hard to forgive myself (having been a perfectionist 😕) because I have so much more self awareness now and seem to have grown up far too late. All you say is so true! But I am not at the stage where I trust to share my shame with others - I don‘t believe yet in peoples‘s empathy, because people just love to judge and feel they are better and would NEVER have reacted in the same way…… that will make me feel so much worse. Thanks again, you are amazing and so clear!
I am ashamed of having emotional problems, STILL, at 69.
Me too. 67. But it is just so normal! It's being human 😢
Don't be ashamed for that! It's not a matter of age.
When I was younger I used to think that when I grew older I would be much wiser. Now I feel like it's not fair, where is all the wisdom and enlightment? 😅
@@CeliaMaria-lo8cx Don't sell ya self short , humans aren't that smart . They more or less just monkeys . A fcking parrot can speak English , a chimp can do basic tasks humans can also .
I hope you have a good day today 🌹
I live in a small town in which the hospital system says, “We don’t do that here,” when you when you ask for a diagnosis for suspected life-long problems. So here I am in middle age. But that statement alone alleviated much of my shame, since they were already treating me for the stuff they couldn’t diagnose, because that’s the evidence that society (read: other people) is certainly not better or more capable than I am…so why be ashamed?
Thank you so much for elucidating shame.. I have tremendous shame and have been making major positive changes in my life. Dealing with the shame is among the hardest thing I've had to do in my adult life.
I didn't know about the difference between guilt and shame. This is an incredibly helpful talk about shame which can have so much power and impact on moving forward with your life.
Doctor Scott, you are a blessing. This feeling of dread and shame has been taking over me for like a month or so now. I can't sleep in peace, I have stopped eating properly, all I can do is think about my shameful past and actions and cry and obssess over it. My friend and mother have tried talking me into therapy but I've been feeling a certain level of resistance about it, but with this video I think I've finaly made up my mind to take that big step. Thank you so much. May God bless your soul, your life and your family ❤
If someone is out there without guilt imo they must be a physchopath. And I do not believe there is anyone who watches Dr Scott is a physchopath because you simply wouldn't be watching him. Good luck and love to you all
I like this Dr! He's to the point, doesn't berate or undermine, or does the "break you down" method for encouragement.
The liability of shame when already in an (action) advanced stage of change. I am listening. My guilt/shame IS ME. How does one let go of themselves? Thoughts are habitual...you know yourself and us too well. I have been stuck in a maddening cycle of backsliding as shame morphs from a motivator to a jailer. Turn that shame back into guilt...kick it out of the 'I AM' internalized form to the 'I DID/MADE' externalized one. My inner 'enemy' is clearer to me now. I know its stratecy and tactics better, thank you. As far as taking: "...a very, very long time" to accomplish the exit of shame, you have that right! And that is
important to remember - I/we can not know how close the finish line really is. "Never give up - Never surrender" (Galaxy Quest)
I've always felt stuck in the preparation stage. I want nothing more than to move beyond this season. I know what I need to do, I want to feel better, and I know how much better it will feel, yet I'm just stuck. I figured it was executive disfunction that was thwarting my will to heal. Again, I feel valid.
The only therapist that explained the stages of change to me seemed to not be able to express that talking about shame would help. He simply said "lets dig deeper" and the like. I feel like my shame sits on the tip of my tounge and had that therapist prompted or asked if I was ashamed of anything, I might have been able to share and heal.
You're the millennials Brene Brown. The expidited, lean footnotes from an actual professional. You mentioned in a video about the new batch of graduates entering the world, I feel like I've always only had access to them and not seasoned pros.
Try a trauma therapist? Actually tell the therapist you have shame issues? Just a couple things that may help. Best wishes.
Thank you Dr Scott. The loser feeling is horrible 😞
Dr. Scott won't reply... but, since I care,.. and feel the same way,.. I will.
It sucks beyond words.. and using words never describes how hurtful the pain is... hope you can find peace 🫶
@@klanderkal ❤️ you too
Genius. It’s true. Shame can be a severe liability, paradoxically it can cause you to have a desire to change. Brene brown deciphers the shame guilt concept well.
It haunts me everyday. It makes me suicidal. I just hate myself so much
Me too
My heart goes out to you and you are not alone! What I try to do is think about other versions of myself and that at every moment I have a choice what side I of myself I am going to show others. I have the choice to be loving say kind things be generous and thoughtful. What matters is how I act in this moment, not inviting in a haunted scary version of myself from the past.
Please don't hate yourself and CERTAINLY don't even think about ending things!!
The fact that you feel so much remorse about the things you have done and the person you were just shows how much you have grown!! AND that you are a good person.
Praying for you ❤
if it helps Dr Ellers has a great video on suicidal ideation, or as I call it The Beast. Going on year 47 with the Beast, it started way back in 1977
Same. Makes me suicidal. I cannot move on from it. What is the reason in your case? What happened?
I was raised on the basis of shame. As in, I was made to always feel shame about everything I did as an undiagnosed ADHD and autistic child in the 80s and 90s. I felt embarrassed about every single thing in my life because that was the one thing I learned to perceive about every single thing and how everybody else may potentially see me.
Now I am simply ashamed of the fact that i lived like this, I regret how much of my life I lost to shame. I did ensure to leave ut all behind the moment I cut off my family and "killed off" my past self that i was made to be by them.
I live much more at peace now, but I still am resentful of holding so much of my life back because "I did as I was told."
I relate so deeply to your comment. Sending you love
Dr. Scott, I would love a video about doing really hard scary things that you are avoiding. Things you would typically get exposure therapy for. For example, I feel extreme terror about just opening my thesis proposal edits or any emails from my advisor. I don’t know how to get through this because when I finally check it, I feel more scared, not less. Ripping off the bandaid seems like the only way but I can never bring myself to do it.
You hit the nail on the head for me. Now just for me to be able to find something or someone to help
i Recently started acknowledging that most of the behavioral problems and difficulties i face have shame as root, this was very helpfull, thank you.
I have shame for having social anxiety, and not having friends and I'm ashamed of been seen as not being wanted
I have shame for not wanting to be with people. Humans are designed to be social for many reasons. I find peace in solitude and feel a certain amount of guilt for not wanting to be around others as if it is somehow wrong.
Thank you. I understand now why my shame has lessened. Recently I started sharing things I'm ashamed about with my spouse. He reacted in a supportive way and it's somehow become less painful. Something really bad happened lately and I didn't jump to a place of shame, but rather guilt. Normally I would have been drowned in thoughts of being a disgusting, worthless person but it didn't go there this time. Doesn't mean the thoughts didn't come up, but they were fleeting and didn't take over. What a change.
Had to pause at undeer 3 minutes in. The talk is about guilt and shame...shame from guilt that has become part of who we are...not of what we did. My level of frustration and anger has risen too high to bear for the moment. I learned long go that my early trauma had me believing that I was the failure, unworthy, etc. For all the progress I have made in understanding and healing from that negative imprinting...I still struggle daily with those thoughts that act like quicksand trying to pull me backward. My message to anyone reading this who is in a similar predicament is this. Use inner frustration and anger as a motivator to continue to distance from destructive programming no matter what those programs still do to us. There is no alternative. None.
Here is an ironic story, I did not do anything wrong, followed morals and still ended feeling guilt and shame. Why? My best friend said I should be most guiltfree person seeing how I have lived My life. But I feel guilty because of not choosing happiness Over morality. Guilty of being kind to a limit where people hurt and betrayed me. Of not being rich enough by hook or crook so as to protect myself from this evil world. For denying marriage for money. Those guys were offering financial stability but I thought it is wrong to use someone for money. Now I feel, I should have just used them for money as they felt it was OK. My goodness brought Me misery.
I know.❤
I think, It s Your emotional condition....You would feel guilty , ashamed or miserable ....even If You married for Money!!! You do Not have to be Young and Beautyful to marry s o wealthy....id You are funny or kind ..You still can do it!!! Try to SNAP Out of Your feelings of regret....try therapie ...or a hobby;!! Marriages can go terribly wrong ...Don t hang in to ,,If I only"..... You are still You, a great Person ...try to be a little forgiving with Yourself!!! Kind regards!!!
Same. I regret having morals. People without them have better lives than me...
Why live morally to honor morality? It’s useless. Joy is found in living morally to honor the Lord. It’s never too late to dedicate our morality, past and present, to the Lord.
I live by my own morale-compass...and even managed to fail these Rules sometimes.... And these failures I regret! But I don t live by some externalized , Moses-like ruler...so I do not have to regret my decisions., when they were guided by dicency...I have matured into a person with some believes!....Some call me too virtuos, some to free or loose...it depends....bur I am not bothered....I know , I m no angel, but I have good standards.It cost time and pain to find them, but living by them gives me some peace!!!
I will need to listen until it sinks in.
And, please consider covering the topic of when shame becomes our identity ❤
BINGO!! totally relate! It so helps to hear someone else experienced thr e same issues and I'm not just a total failure at work!! Thankyou ❤
Please do more about toxic shame and humiliation 😔 it destroys my life for more than 10 years ,,
I don’t want it to destroy my family 😔😔
I’m in hell ,
I don’t want to transfer it ..they don’t deserve it😔😔😔😔😔
we all do mistakes, the only way out of shame is to set with it, either you talk it out loud or write it all in papers (cut them later) feel it, tell yourself what happened and why did it happen and how stupid it was, allow all the shame to come to the surface let it out.
Then, remind your self how stupid it is to waste other 10 years thinking of something u did just because u r a human.
I'm sure there are people who did worst than what u did.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive that version of u, he didn't know any better
Forgive yourself
Forgiveness is a key, I hope u start using it from now on, slowly.
There are much more beautiful feelings u deserve to experience Haider!
@@mahsa9022
I did everything you said,
I can’t explain how much your response impact me ..
Thank you ..🙏
Wish you a peaceful life ..
@@haideromran6592 It's a deep shame, so it needs more time and practice setting with it and freeing it
I hope u an easy healing journey
Thank you for this. I did a podcast last night and delved alot into my anxiety depression and recovery life and today I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Although I know I shouldn't. I've shared alot about this before. But right now it's really taking me down. I will be better it think in a couple of days. Thanks for this chat ❤
Thank you for this video. I will always remember this as the turning point in my recovery journey.
You are describing me and my life
I deeply appreciate your videos. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you. This is really valuable, helpful information. I frequently have to remind myself that I cannot change mentally painful things that happened in my childhood and adults years. We have only the present. The past is finished, and cannot be changed. The future, even a minute ahead, is not guaranteed, and can only motivate us to make plans, but plans are easily changed as circumstances change. So we have to look inward, as you say, and think only of repairing the person we are NOW. P.S. I hope you never stop making these videos. I love them.
Dr. Scott, you and Kati Morton here on TH-cam have helped me more than any professional I've seen in person. You two get it. Like really get it. Thank you ❤
There are things I did in the past... sincerely repented, amended where possible or safe, and accepted forgiveness (Divine and, where available, human)... moving on now from those behaviors, wiser and kinder. Acknowledged, accepted the fact of, and forgave ugly things done to me by others... holding no IOUs for anything they might have once owed me. I'm too much gasping for survival breath right now to ruminate the already-processed past. That said, this suggests I need a regular mental review to be mindful if there are possible known issues I've not yet processed... things I couldn't handle before and buried. Come to think of it, that could be what the current troubles are supposed to bring up. 🤔
Keep sowing good things and you will reap good fruitage.
Hi there, Dr. Scott. This was one of the videos I first watched after discovering your channel. It was like healing balm to my mind and soul.
I want you to know how much you have helped me with the information in this video and others. I once saw a therapist who, only after seeing her for 6 months, finally believed that I was really experiencing terrible fatigue. What a waste of time!
Whereas with your videos, I truly feel like you understand what I'm going through, which is beyond refreshing.
This video alone has earned my subscription. I've been binge-watching your videos ever since. Thank you so much, and keep up the great work!
Thank you, this was a great lesson! It helps me identify and improve on specific things
I had a harder time understanding this one, I’m glad you put in the allegory about shopping because it helped. I’m looking forward to the next one!
All I ever hear about shame these days is Brene Brown toxic shame stuff about how shame is always the thing wrong with your life. It felt ingenuine, so I read one of her books. I was confused the whole time. The type of shame she discusses can get very ephemeral and almost seem like she’s talking about something else. I’m sure she isn’t, but the way it’s delivered really confused me and didn’t help me actually understand my own shame. It’s nice to go back to the basic definition (blaming and hating on yourself for things you felt guilty about). I also super appreciate how nuanced you always are, like how you said shame can be helpful just like how there is such a thing as healthy distraction from hard emotions.
Dropping another ton of truth. Thank you. I keep saving your videos in a playlist. Did I tell you my therapist and I watch your videos during our sessions? She agrees so much with your lessons and therapy philosophy. We are learning from you.
Thank you, Scott, for this. I tend to be really hard on myself so this means so much. The truth is, most people aren't thinking about me. They're too busy thinking about other things (or, should be).
Thank you so much, I did something terrible behind my gfs back and I needed this to help put it to rest some
I am a francophone but I appreciate so much how good are your explanations!! Really clearly articulated, efficient and helpful! Thank you for your good work shared with us!
Thank you for this video, really couldn’t have come at a better time! At this moment I am working through some difficult circumstances and am moving forward with some acceptance. Which is clearly easier said than done. There are some deep seated feelings shame and guilt I am hoping with help from my loved ones and professionals help I can get to a place where this time in my life is behind me.❤
The thing is about my past I never ever intentionally or otherwise hurt anyone but I sure did hurt myself with my choices and actions. So it's not so much guilt and shame I feel, it's anger.
I feel the same way... exactly. I can't mention, i just things I've done, or tried... and knew it wasn't right.
I'm upset with myself.
Thanks, Dr. Scott for making this video. I'm struggling with past shame and guilt badly. You mentioned that Guilt can help one move past those stages of change. I was wondering, is there a way to reduce Guilt? My guilt has been haunting me and shackled me from taking action.
Secondly, are Regrets and Guilt the same thing? I'm having trouble distinguishing them. Thank you again for all your videos. They've kept me grounded in my darkest moments.
I was made to feel shame about anything and everything I couldn't control as a child, including, but not limited to my physical state(I got Fibromyalgia REALLY early on) and mental state(I just found out I have ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder). I suffer at the hands of my own demons every single time one or all of them act up. Despite knowing that it's not my fault. Therapy is good to me, but it's been a long journey already and still have a long way to go.
This (child shaming) needed addressed.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Scott, I never knew, until watching this video, that guilt and shame are different things, and that *guilt* comes before *shame*
I struggle with forgiving myself for past wrongs and have been beating myself up for decades about *how bad I was* , not about how bad I am. I'm not BAD = I'm no longer experiencing SHAME.
I've just realised that I've unknowingly worked through the former shame/be-ing ashamed and have moved forward (or backwards
Past choices, regrets, and failures do keep you chained when you are now and inmate in a prison system. Families do the time with their loved ones, unfortunately.
Most of the time, families are responsible for turning their children into monsters of varying sorts.
Family are most of the ones who put guilt on you. I'm tired of living with what they've done to me.
Dr. Scott, thank you for this. What role does external shame play in our journey? When others make snap judgments about a behavior, wouldn’t that reinforce our own feelings of shame? How can we move past those hurtful comments?
This is very timely for me. I think I've been in the process of realizing this lately when it comes to my spending habits. I used to make myself watch financial content that made me feel guilty, then read the comments, which made me feel shameful. I thought one day, what's the point of this? What's the point of continuously bringing myself down over things that I cannot change? (as in the past, not my behaviors)
Thanks for this talk, it's most helpful in chipping away at that awful cycle of self punishment.
Thank you Dr. Scott. You help and make a difference. I like to know the "whys" of so much. You explain them. I wish you were my personal counselor. Thank you for your videos and really explaining so much. You are greatly appreciated.
I go back and forth -- berating myself for (now) perceived stupidity, realizing that in the end it is all for the best. Your videos are encouraging -- the best thing is to move forward, resolve to do or be better.
Thank you, doctor. Actually, what you said makes perfect sense.
This was such an eye opener! Thank you Scott for this valuable insight! It will indeed make my perspective realistic rather than an exaggerated self blame.
This turned my whole day around emotionally, thank you for your content!
Certainly I've done some things that I'm guilty of, that I did and would rather not have done, I'm human.
My biggest source of shame is very clear, although not what to do about it. My brother and I were born to two young, ignorant, multigenerational damaged narcissists. Physical punishment started in infancy, and got worse as we became toddlers, on through childhood. I left home as soon as possible. I'm 74 now. The shame has been lifelong.
I love ACIM too. Thanks
I was always scared that if I forgot about my shame, I'd slide back. But I guess that's not the case after all. I feel like it's always easy to shame others because you think you'll always stick to your morals and values, but there can come times when you do betray those. And it's not great.
And wow, I never thought about the last one, but it's definitely something worth considering to do
Wow! Thank you so much. That really hit home about letting go of shame when you're already actively working on changes. 🙏
This makes so much sense, also why shame piles up, cause you got all these issues that get stuck in "contemplation", like I need to quit drinking, I need to quit smoking, whatever. And the worst is that someone in contemplation mode is actually much more annoying than any other step. For example, having a cigarette with a smoker in contemplation mode is like "dude, just let me enjoy my cigarette". So its important to move past this point. But then that becomes shameful too I guess, and it just piles on and on and on and on
Isn’t shame also a lot about having been shamed? Having learned over years about others wanting to put us in ‘our’ place? I have heard at least since the age of 4 how I don’t deserve, should be ashamed of myself etc.
Exactly! Shame is definitely learned behavior!
I really recognized all the steps you described. Thank you for this video. Really helpful.
I am delusional and narcissistic. 2:05 I don't feel any guilt.
Thank you so much. I need therapy right now. And you explain this well. ❤
Thank you so much.
Thank you for ypur words. They are so helpful
Too many regrets to count. I find it's rough knowing my youth was spent just trying to handle mental illness. Now that I've stumbled on some "cures" and am out of fight or flight it's still in the background. Life
Thanks very much for your valuable help Dr Eilers.
It made a lot of sense. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this content! It’s very helpful
I don't live in shame because I'm afraid of back-sliding into anything. I live in shame because I deserve to live in shame. I don't believe in hell but if it existed, I would go willingly. Since I don't believe that's going to happen, I deserve unhappiness in this life.
I have had 2 major moments that I have actually felt and don't know what it's called. It's like I have so many emotions hitting me at once. I literally feel like the blood, or something, is draining down from my head to my toes. It starts at the top, and runs down inside my body. The first time was when I caught my ex husband cheating, I got so weak, and I was so hurt, upset, angry, like all at once. The second time, when I realized that everything, everything I thought to be true, was a lie. I'm still not over that or through it
Great topic, great advice, thank you!
But sometimes it's necessary to look if the things we did/do are bad and we should feel guilty or if we are just looking for things we can feel guilty and be ashamed of because we know these feelings so well and heard it so often that we are a kind of addicted to it.
Thanks!
Thank you!
Thank you is important to know. 😢
Thank You; Dr. Eilers!! Now I understand and appreciate your in depth explanations.
@DrEllers what about shame taught from our family in childhood?
John chapter 8 NIV A Woman Caught in Adultery
8 Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, 2 but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. 3 As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.
4 “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
6 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. 7 They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” 8 Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
9 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. 10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
11 “No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Thank you Dr Scott for your expertise and thorough explanations!
Perfect! Thank you!
Most helpful video Ive ever seen on this topic thank you
Thank You. Just, thank you.
Choose those people wisely. Similar to wound healing. Does time heal all wounds? Shame=inflamatory stage.
I had been forgave myself, really try to forgave myself but when something happened my critical father always seems to get those back my past, memories and make me feel bad abt it and it's just unending cycle that I've been lived on, i try to defend myself and really feel bad abt it and he just kept going and kept going can't and don't want to see the growth in me
+now something happened really try to see my past, I never had a proper growth I seem to stuck in unending exhausting cycle where my father puts me cause he cannot stand seeing me growing, and he just want me to be the little girl he can controls, with his unreasonable beliefs
This was so helpful! Bless you!
Thank you
It could be helpful to try to transform our shame into guilt. True humility could help us do this.
Such a legend!
How to forgive yourself for something reeeeally bad that were totally out of character? What if you already have done a complete change of yourself and still feel like you can't ever be forgiven?
Anyone can do anything if put under enough stress and pressure. That’s just human nature and it applies to all of us. As goes the quote ‘I am a man, I consider nothing that is human alien to me’.
Instead of beating yourself up, have compassion for yourself and for the strain that you were under that led you to crack and behave out of character.
Like you said, it was out of character, meaning it’s not who you are.
You forgive yourself period. No matter how “reeeeeally bad” your action may have been. Whatever it was, was meant to happen, and is now in the past. You can harbor shame, or turn it to guilt and take action to behave differently next time. Treat whatever you had done (again, no matter the severity) as a part of your path, and learn from it. Whatever it was, it was meant to go the way it did. This happened already, we are now in the present moment, work from here, the present moment and do better if what you did was a bad thing.