One Trait That Keeps You Out Of The Narcissist's Games
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.พ. 2021
- Over the course of relating with you, narcissists have an uncanny knack for creating tension and agitation. As this happens, you become susceptible for becoming caught in their games of manipulation and one-upmanship. Dr. Les Carter explains how one trait can keep you grounded so you are not trapped in their games...which you would inevitably lose.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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“I will not filter my self esteem through a troubled soul.” This is life changing. Thank you!
Agreed! I wrote that quote down and intend to memorize it!
Wow! That one quote hit me hard. 🥲
Same here...stopped me in my tracks...saved it so I won't forget it!
Dr.Carter, what would I do without you? You validate me and help me so much! Thank you!
click the profile image at the side they wont let me post my link BLOCKING silencing real shown
Going no contact was the kindest thing I ever did for myself. 💖As long as you are in the presence of a narcissist , you are being poisoned.
TRUE!!!
I did the same thing NO CONTACT with my soon-to-be ex. Best thing I ever did.
My kids were exposed... & their dad would never turn off his verbal abuse & frantically looking for escape routes ...cops came arrests ×2 ... I recall being once or twice mesmerized albeit confused to what made this guy tick ... & later learning the military style straits put on him ,he didn't know how to be free & would laugh when I spoke truthfully it was so foreign to him not to present self fraudulently .. I paid dearly for not listening to earlier warnings
I did the same. I sleep better now. Everything in my day is better. And I am better to those I love around me. When you look after yourself, you also look after others who matter. Spread the kindness. And leave the agitators to themselves. They'll find other listeners.
Me too but still working on finding the motivation to take better care of myself. Among other things...
Narcissists pretend to be nice all of a sudden and get you feeling sorry for them again so they can start the cycle from scratch.
Don't get provoked into negative reactions !!! They want you to snap !!!
So true. Dr. C
They want any reaction,
sad or glad
It gets really amusing when they dial up the game when the reactive expressions stop
100
Damned straight. It was years before I got that. But finally learning to go calm. That really works.
My ex-roommate initially got negative reactions from me. However, once I figured the puzzle out, it calmed me down, I was able to give an eviction notice, and stopped reacting. In essence, the rug was pulled out from under him. Put surveillance cameras in my apartment that he didn't see coming. He moved out literally in less than 24 hours like the coward he is.
Not. Playing. Your. Sad. Little. Game.
Just be prepared for their rage to set in. Your confusing them by not reacting. Makes them feel like they are loosing control over you. Do not break no contact guys. You can do it.
The one I was with came after me, though. :^(
@@RideAcrossTheRiver I'm so sorry! Were you able to secure a restraining order?
@@ringostarrs3rdwifeyxoxo869 Police laid charges and put a peace bond on her. I felt like a shit having to call police, and I still do, but she scared my neighbors. Every day I feel remorse that I had to do that
@@RideAcrossTheRiver you obviously had no choice. Are you still in contact?
@@ringostarrs3rdwifeyxoxo869 Had not seen her in a year and had not talked to her in 6 months. Then she turned up
So, as the saying goes, the game is over when I stop playing it... Mindgames are just a huge waste of time and energy.
💯
yes/-my cousin the Windy type had her own agenda and USED ME 50 Years😂and i am done.. i like my CHOSEN FAMILY
you cannot win-- i know, my sibling LOVED to invite me to restaurants just to humiliate me in front of a server, he lsughed Extra if i cried,, what a CAD,
Amen sister!
Yet WOMEN just love the drama and love the head games.
"I dont need to get them to see things my way." This is my biggest mistake. I forget that they are con artists. That summarizes the dynamic. This is extremely helpful.
Thanks, Chris. So pleased it resonated. Dr. C
Agreed. The upset starts w/them, but the loss of peace starts w/the one who tries to convince them of seeing things another way because they only believe themselves.
Its pretty hard to remain calm and collected when provoked, im still working on that, especially after his love bombing i forget sometimes that im dealing with a master manipulator...videos like these are so helpful and encouraging...
@Gemma Dann Stick to the truth in court. My narcissistic brother tried to steal everything from our mother, after our father died. My sister and I had to take him to court. He portrayed himself as the beneficial hero in helping my mother. We stuck to the ugly truth: the spider holding her in his net and sucking the life right out of her. He gave plenty of nonsense and we always stuck to the truth. We did ask family members to back us up on that, where ever that was possible. And we took photo's of the truth, like him not opening important mail (we found a giant stash of unopened envelopes) and him not doing the gardening (the grass was 1 feet long, with weeds in it, which the photo kindly showed).
@Gemma Dann Do your best to collect evidence that backs you up. Secretly tape-recording private one-on-one conversations is legal, so do so over a period of time. Then you'll have some "proof" to show in court.
For years I would cry and crumble around my Narcissistic sister. Then a healthy friend suggested when you’re visiting her “ Don’t enter the game. Don’t pass the ball.” That worked when she started to rage at me after I had traveled 4,000 miles to see her first grandchild. Now I realize it is too much work for me to be around this venomous sister ever again. I’ve taken her abuse for 70 years! I have a choice!
I have a sister like that. Mean. Cruel. Cold. Hateful. Beat on me my whole life. Yea. I don’t give her much thought anymore after 55 years of her abuse.
I did the same. No contact after 70 years. It is sweeter on the otherside of narcissism. So happy your are happy.❤😊
same
Same here...
They prey on vulnerable people who have usually gone through a traumatic event. They catch you at a weak point in your life. They don't go after people who are strong and well adjusted. Two of Mine latched onto me when I had deaths of loved ones and another when I was trying to escape a toxic marriage.
My ex slipped in at the beginning of Covid and I'd just been laid off from a new job. My neighbor narcissist slipped in after my ugly break up.
Ya, it’s like they can smell it on you, & then they insert their toxic poison into you, like a snake bite, while everyone (sources of supply) remain clueless. Is there anyone in the room, that will stand up for us, where did all our supposed friends go, in the midst of the smear campaign?
Be careful, they seem to be all around us. Get rid of one, 2 or 3 of them come into your life, to add to your troubles.
i’m convinced people get themselves in trouble by thinking everyone is good. everyone is not good..i also believe people get in trouble by not paying attention to signs, they make excuses for the person they are interested in. this person may be rich, attractive, well connected, etc. i like to let people show me who they are, and i act according. it’s always this tug of war with how i FEEL vs How i THINK.. when i concentrate on how someone makes me feel, i’m usually right.. when i think about a person, i’m usually justifying the bad behavior with i didn’t see or hear what i saw..
Bagels...yes...it reminds me of how i used to buy shoes....id find a pair i liked, based mostly on looks..try on in my size....then id stride to the mirror, see how they looked. If they looked awesome on me, & felt pretty good, i went for it. But i rarely remembered to check out they REALLY felt on my feet...esp my right foot with slight bunyon on big toe, my shorter left foot with odd bump on arch....
I just figured, none of that mattered, and rushed home with them...or removed tags from mail order, etc.
Then, when the euphoria of the buy died down a bit, inevitably i discovered they didnt really fit me all that well. My toe actually rubbed agsinst the side uncomfortably ; or my arch was actually going to push up in a hurty way no matter what sock i tried; etc.
U see, i just wanted to love them so much, i had overlooked all that..
Nowadays, i really take the time to figure out if these shoes REALLY feel good on my feet, before i buy them. I pay way, way more attention to the feel
I know the analogy can only go so far between shoes and people, and btw this is reality for me, im not making it up as some metaphor..sadly, lol, yeah ive had to donate lotsa lotsa shoes lately.
So anyway, i agree with what u are saying...we WANT to like the person, and we end up ignoring red flags out the gate, which we should not do...not saying make a snap negative judgment. Just do not ignore or rationalize away red flags or behavior that really kinda bothers u.
Judge people based on what they DO and nothing else!
@@Vezmus1337 my shoes dont do much for me lately, tbh
@@Vezmus1337 but people don’t judge other people like that do they. People use other things to judge people on like popularity, beauty, money, associates, can this person help me get ahead and so on. For some people superficiality, is the ticket to get in the door. I agree we should judge people by what they do, but people don’t always do that. People tend to have their own motivations when choosing to deal with narcissistic people. The people who have narcissistic family members and coworkers and bosses can’t walk away like that, i get that. Being aware when dating and interacting with people can be an eye opener, if you pay attention to their behavior and what they say, you can be put on notice. I also notice narcissistic people have a certain energy around them, I didn’t pay attention to it before. I definitely allow myself to feel how the other person interacts with me, it tells me everything that i need to know.
@@thehotcoffeehouse6081 Agreed💕
Discernment? Calmness? Not getting drawn in? Carrying on with your own life as normal - not being affected? Not being afraid? Not making yourself available? Not being easy-going? Being true to yourself? Not giving them an inch? Being the adult? Being uninterested? The list goes on.
Easier said than done
@@cheryldellamano3374 Very true. But, I am finding that the more I practise, the more skilled I am getting at it. Sometimes, I still get it wrong but for me it is worth the effort.
@@cheryldellamano3374 Definitely. I might sound like I have the answers but I still struggle sometimes.
@@survivedandthriving I do agree. It takes time and effort to develop skills such as calm confidence when dealing with toxic people. Remember, these people have developed their skills over years, perhaps decades. For you to engage with them, and to a minimal degree, without your previous emotional imbalance, will take practice. Keep in mind that you are looking to live in a healthy manner.
@@vancehoshizaki6766 Why do people become toxic ..Couldnt/Could it possibly be through people more often than not wronging us/Manipulation snakes gaslighting Mixed up labels by vindictive snakey HYPOCRITICAL types ... Over and over as to why dont really like socializing much anymore and receive the label of being toxic simply because refuse to be a doormat for it any longer ... Real Human /people dont set out and plan to cause harm or ruin other people its not a trait of decent people that . Some do have it spun completely the opposite way , and are very convincing . That it is they who are the sweet and rosey nice moral good while doing so .. Might make someone Resentful of others /TOXIC .. not as willing to play in their EVil games ... We are not all like that contrary to some fake humans views that all are
Paying attention to your internal warning signs? If they are a haunted house, stay out of it. Don't try to rehab a haunted house.
Very true, listen to your intuition and inner voice! Always!
I love that: "Dont try to rehab a haunted house."
🤔😱
🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️
Run Awayyy!! 😁
Sad but true. A more accurate saying is "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink".
thanks for the laugh.
you got me.
Correct, every mirror reflected back from them is their distortion of reality.
Don't play games with men like that. U will lose. Don't be needy. Be independent.
"I'm not going to filter myself through someone who's a very troubled person" -- Words to live by! Thank you!
Yes
Amen 💪
So true. With a narcissist your mistakes are intolerable but you will be expected to tolerate endless abuse and invalidation.
I love it! What I have found that works is calmly say, " No, I'm not going to do that." "No, I don't see it that way." No, that is not appropriate." "NO" is a good way to stop a conversation from going the wrong way.
I'm speaking up and out now, and of course I'm the asshole. Take any and all emotions out of any interactions, it gives them nothing to pick on.
like a conversation with a toddler "why"?
@@lorihoop3831
Yes, but then they might get into a narcissistic rage, which is not pretty......
But i tried No n things got worse n i saw d worst colour in him,even being physically abusive for d first time,its vry difficult to establish boundaries wit dem,i tried saying many times dat i wudnt talk if he shouts n dat he must talk normally otherwise wil keep d phone etc(v dint liv together dat time )but he used to b in such rage dat he wil yel so much mor,even if i cut d cal he wil stil send yelling voice msges,if i block dat too den he wud mail
A chaplain gave me the best advice: Act as if they don't exist, especially if you are not in a situation where you have to interact.
Remember, they are vampires. Vampires have to be invited in first. Unfortunately, some of us are raised by/with vampires.
Great analogy. Plus also note that vampires are using guile and subterfuge to get you to invite them, and they are even attempting to charm (aka. love-bomb) you.
Yes, Energy vampires "sucking "the energy out of u.
I finally just told my 79 year old narcissist mother to lose my number and never contact me again because she's dead to me.
I'm not interested in maintaining contact or attempting to have an amicable relationship.
Let go of the urge to change or control the narcissist. The narcissist is a broken person that you cannot fix. Control yourself instead and let that be enough. When they cannot take away your self control, it is GAME OVER! 😉✌
The same is true of addicts. Yu cannot help them or fix them.
I told my "friend" he was a narcissist. He didn't appreciate that. The more I watch these videos, the more I understand, even though he doesn't fit all the criteria. He asked if I view him as less than a whole person. Of course I said no, but I was like, "Duh, of course".
No, they just get worse. I need to stand up to them, and let them walk on eggshells around me for once. I slay the narc bully! They will never respect your boundaries and the consequence s to that is video taping it and making it go public. Shame them!!!
@@julief634 .. HA - YEAH giiiIRL ! XX make them walk on egg shell around you ..for once. ;))
@@mellymellongisland , I don’t think it’s even worth pointing out to my ex narc that he is a narcissist. They have little to no self-reflective capacity. And I think he believes that being a narc is as benign as having brown hair. He’s probably been told about his narcissistic behaviors in the past. He hasn’t changed. They are not a problem for him. They are problematic/abusive to others.
They love to chip away at your confidence and agency, one-pointless-argument-at-a-time.
“Conflict cannot survive without your participation”. A quote I came across and just now remembered it; thanks to you! Thank you.
I wrote that down ❤️👍🌸
But mine can carry on the conflict even if I don’t engage. You don’t need two to argue with them. Ugh good luck to all!
Actually it can, they can cause conflict all by themselves... What we do have control over is our reaction to their machinations and games.
The narc creates conflict by upsetting basic life situations. Like omitting doing things they are responsible for, behaving recklessly leaving doors and houses and cars unlocked, getting numerous traffic tickets, Not getting a job and forgetting to pay bills on time, withholding information and forgetting important things purposely playing a shitload of mind games.
🥰
I've come to the conclusion that the other person is not stable and cannot grow up. I completely ignore their hateful wrath and snarky remarks, even when threatened. It's not healthy for me to do otherwise.
Veronica,You look stunning 🌹🌷 dear
I read dr Carter's book "when pleasing you is killing me". Then, the strangest thing happened.
I was in a situation where someone was insisting I should explain my decision. They were giving me a whole lot of reasons why i should change my mind. Clearly they weren't happy with my choices.
So... Having read the book I just replied "nevertheless, I stand by my decision".
Such a simple and yet powerful phrase. End of discussion. No further explanation necessary. 😲
Who knew these things aren't really complicated!
Buying it!!
Sometimes the hardest situations and problems are cleared up with the simplest solutions.
"I don't have to explain my NO to you, I said no". That's my favorite!
Why do they want to argue about everything? I think they may be poor conversationalists, but what's wrong with companiable silence?
Sorry about the typos.
Resilience. Sensibility. Pragmatism. Stoicism. You must do what needs to be done to remove yourself completely from the game. It takes a strong will to smile a little smile and not react. To say nothing to the flying monkeys and rise above it all and turn your back.
It’s all about “winning” with them-so you have to remain vigilant and refuse to be manipulated into playing...even 5-10-15 years later it amazes me how my ex still tries to insert himself and his presence into my world.
I did remove myself from the game completely. Stopped saying anything to the flying monkeys. Now the flying monkeys are also angry with me, because I don't 'entertain ' them. And in the group, its being said that I seem to have a problem with many of them, so the issue must be with me. That I'm going crazy. You see the narcissist never stops. Not even after they have ruined your relationship with others.
Wish I had a good response for this crap.
Ten years I have held myself back from the narc I live with. Too long.
Both my Sisters were flying monkeys. I’m ok with no longer having those sisters.
@@godswillm575 Oh, it just goes to show their really twisted mindset: you seem to have a problem with many of them so what else could be the final conclusion??? YOU represent the problem as YOU are crazy... Every story has two sides, they have probably never heard of this and of course, they have ZERO insight. They never ever analyse themselves and their contribution to the story. So I just want to say that I know the "phenomenon" you are writing about...
its annoying me it s 21 years move on con artists, thank you sir
It's so hard not to react when they accuse you of things you haven't done but I'm learning not to "bite".
Don't take the bait.
💪
Hear hear
It's really hard, but good for you.
Develop the discernment to discriminate between good souls vs evil souls. Once identified, move physically away from such 'troubled souls' without delay. Don't ever give them the benefit of doubt or allow them back into your life.
Since, narcissists don't self reflect, they find some other gullible soul to torment and drain their energy.
I am sharing this phrase: The more irrational a person is, the easier it should be to avoid their traps.
Yet, his partner is still with him after 15 years. Wow... and at the same time so sad to know that person is letting herself being destroyed, that there is nothing you can do about it. Each of us has to learn by ourselves. Such a curse for the Narc and such a enlightenment for the Empath. Knowledge is power.
Boundaries!
I believe you got it, Dr. C is holding his hand over his heart - protect your heart!
Narcissists don't respect boundaries.
I would say high self esteem that you don't give a damn about their opinion or the opinions of flying monkeys..
Waiting to see what Dr. C says.
Your advice is much appreciated 🙂🙏⭐
Guard your heart. Learn to think logically and not emotionally. This will be of great importance should you find yourself in a relationship with one of these creatures and realize going No Contact is the answer to healing.
Razor fence style.
When I’ve tried so hard to stay calm and talk clearly without getting emotional I’ve then been accused of being patronising and talking to them condescendingly. 🥴😫Anyone else ?
They flip everything on you!! They have no soul
Yes!!!
Projecting their own negative qualities onto those who see through them!
F*CK WHAT THEY THINK, AND ACCUSE YOU OF, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
They won’t let you do it right. They will always find a way to make you wrong.
Damm, wish i knew all this before marriage. Basically we've been duped. Don't feel sorry for a narcissist! Give them the boot real quick and stop all the manipulation and don't look back. Thanks for your great advices doc!
it is part of life, learning these things through experience.
sometimes repeatedly.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Boot given 2020. No contact. Ignore until death.
@@dubliner1303 hopefully after the death and in the next life they will be a changed people but I doubt LOL. Satan has got them by the neck and will drag them down to the pits of hell!
Yup 👍
IF they push your buttons and get the programmed-negative reaction from you, they've successfully made you look bad; BUT if you just calmly respond or simply walk away, the negative impression given bystanders lands on them.
"THE-SOUND-OF-ONE-HAND-CLAPPING"-- If you don't impulsively react according to their programming for you, they're left making noise in the wind and they look mean, petty and stupid... as they should, not you.
I need to learn how to keep quiet and walk away. Mine will start recording me on his phone whenever I get upset.
Which makes everything I say null and void. As I have been in the relationship too long. When its all bad they reel me back which is a bad mistake. Especially when they have relatives and siblings minutes away.
I have nobody because of my stubborness of "it all fine and we are good". Its like the calm before the storm.
Wow - I’d like to post this for all the family on the fridge!!!
When they have so many criticisms, you wonder why they would want to be with you at all.
Blocking The Narcissists
Going No Contact
I used to have just one side. A Victims side. Since I left my Narcissist I've become more independent and have developed a side that is stronger. I'm self-aware and am not afraid to enforce my boundaries, and have a tougher attitude when it comes to people that simply aren't worth it. 🍒
When a narcissist actively attempts to provoke an argument, they expend tremendous personal energy which they recover if the target engages. However, it's a totally different ballpark when the target responds with calm confidence - the narcissist effectively DEPLETES themself (quite rapidly) and typically will withdraw because the total encounter then occurs at THEIR personal expense. Something they will avoid if they're not getting anything back.
When there is no show, there is no audience.
No audience, no show.
I like that you said "I give myself permission to be a mixture of good and bad traits"
Dr. LES CARTER said, " I have no intention of giving my confidence over to a conartist ". ME EITHER. THEY TIE YOU UP IN KNOTS,TO PLEASE THEMSELVES, TO CONTROL EVERYONE IN THEIR SPHERE OF INFLUENCE.
I like the phrase "Detached compassion" as how I respond to the narcissists in my life that I still engage with as needed. It can be hard but the more emotionally detached I become from their drama, the more deflated they become and often they just move on.
“Detached compassion”...I love it!
Pam Avery,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
Cremation of the spirit of Care ~ Bohemian Grove ceremonies
Strong boundaries and/or discernment? When I was able to say straightforwardly "This is not OK for me!" and "I don't play mindgames!" it proved to be a great narcissist-repellent.... Of course, it caused narcissistic rage but at least he walked away and didn't want to come back. 😁
I did the same thing!😹I said, "With tears streaming down my face, I'm better than this!" The mind games, lies, cheating..
He'll be back. Took 4 months and a half for me. 😉 Tripple whammy for him. Ignore/ cross another friend with happiness/ pointed at him laughing as he was leaving. BOOM BOOM BOOM
It doesn't work for all narcissist, strong boundaries, don't feed into the bull. A' hole still hasn't left. Feed up with this crap.
The challenge is to get the narcissist to move on from you. You may get out of their regular, daily games but they'll usually be plotting and scheming to get to you in the long run.
I managed to stay away 3 years. 2 weeks ago. Here they come. Pop up visit. I did get to try out the gray rock method. Not bad.
@@bodaciousbethany0 Sorry to hear they came after you and glad to hear you handled it 👍
The game doesn't work, if they can't get you to play. Stay out of the narcissist life by leaving them alone. I went no contact to save my mental health. My family of origin is full of narcissists!
@@realhealing7802 I think it varies how much a narcissist will pursue you. Some will probably blank you and move on to easier victims. Some feel they own you and can't let you win by slipping from their grip.
Thank you so much! I usually go nc. I learned over the summer about grey rock. & I hope it's another 3 or more years until they bother me again. 😄
Remaining no contact and boundaries.
Just GOSO- when you know you are dealing with a narcissist, you get out and you stay out!
I’ve shut down the game with the narc in my life because I have fortunately been able to put her in a corner regarding theft. She knows I know, she knows how much I know, and she knows if it ever happens again it’s straight to law enforcement . That’s it calmly , positively , no anger displayed (albeit angry inside). 7 months no contact, 7 months disconnecting with flying monkeys. It’s not nice, it’s upsetting but by god it had to be done. For me and my family ... it’s no no and no ✋✋✋
Well done, and good for you!
I bet as hard as it is it has given you your freedom back
Been there; done that, too. It was the only thing that put a stop to all the bullying and violence. Four years free and counting to the end of my days!
Wow this is exactly what I'm going thru been 5 months and it concerns theft. Last week I broke no contact I needed her to know I know I simply said Ever been in a house on South B Street on Christmas Day. She chuckled and hung up the phone not the reaction from an innocent person for sure. She threw out hints and half truths and basically told on herself. Today I informed her if I see her on the ranch I'll have her arrested and re established no contact forever including the fake social media profiles.
The calm part is challenging when they have caused one such extreme CPTSD
Try dialectic behavioral therapy
The practice of radical acceptance helped me.
. .that’s their shadow work (COTSD) that they’ve transferred onto you. Be kind to yourself FIRST in knowing your true value as a decent person in this world, and you will find forgiveness in your heart for yourself FIRST ..after this there is nothing and there is no one who can strip you of this internal protection. .as you forgive you are in fact protecting your highest virtues and honoring your highest truths forever ✨
Very challenging 😫😢
It is but it's worth it. You have to do the opposite of the expected. No arguing, no yelling,, not even words....just. mmm..hmm & no attitude. Go sit down & cross your hands in front of you (acting weird makes them uncomfortable) & let them rant. They'll run out of words and/or start sounding like they're fighting with themselves (i.e ok. I know it's OK. Right. I know I'm right. Mmm...hmmm. They stop when they don't get what they want which is a rise out of you. That's no fun for them. Once you appear disconnected & monotone you have to stay that way for them to lose interest.
It is, but it's possible! I'm on a similar path, I'm sorry what they make you go through, but know that we can do it!
I knew my wife came from a troubled childhood. So I thought love would fix it. My love made me ignore the warnings. I knew better but I ignored it. Then I lost my way. I made horrible choices.
They will never change. It was me that had to change.
I too approached it with a "love heals all wounds" mentality and thought if i just loved them enough that I could fix them.....what a waste of a decade and a half and at great personal expense mentally, emotionally and financially. There is no fixing a narcissist. Just wish id learned that sooner
Very true.I tried to treat a covert narcissistic friend like a princess even planning fun outings with her but the more I tried to show her I just want to be friends,the more angry she became.I had to let go for good this time around (for that was my third attempt at rekindling a friendship) and mind my business.🤷
My story, too
@@cactusjackhausen8508 ..Me - same .xx BUT getting another life - gives us another chance, ;)
@@lindagithaiga1974 ..Yeah - me too. All they do in the end is hurt you too bad,... they just 'handed you the scissors...and you made a clean cut' ! ;))
When you begin to respond with calm confidence it is actually quite funny to watch them ramp it up, trying to reel you in again. Once you've become practiced at it, they begin to stop trying. Then, well, they're just rather dull to be with.
Recently a narcissist tried to get their claws in me. I recognized it pretty early so I decided to do at least a few retaliatory actions to their every single 1.
"Yes, I'll be there" - I didn't show up
"Just text me" - I never responded, ever.
"I'll be available on Sunday" - I wasn't available on Sunday
My phone rings, I don't answer it goes to voicemail. I never listen to the voicemail
The narcissist can't come to my house unless they barge through security gate, which thankfully they never tried. My car is in garage with no windows so they wouldn't be able to tell if I'm home anyway. I'm never answering the door if it's them knocking. If I run into them somewhere "I'm busy".."sorry, I don't have the time".."gotta work".."sorry, can't do it..sorry can't do it..sorry can't do it"..stay 10 steps ahead of them they hate when they get NOTHING from you.
It is amazing that after decades of suffering, I get known that I am not alone with this issue! That I am not crazy. That there are people in all over the world who share the experience.
This even changes the self-image, to more confident, of course.
This whole talk brought a line at the end of the 80s movie,War Games. “Interesting game. The only way to win is not to play.”
The behavior described here is my Head Boss at work to a tee! Great video.
when my boss criticizes an inconsequential issue I say, "do you feel better?"
Very good! I like that
I love that quote! Applies well to so many situations.
Love the quote, and your sharing, but I hope that’s not your real name.
In a word: "Stoicism"
My dad had stoicism , but also quiet sabatouging me , a little confused with this I see him as the game player but he was also covered costs never drunk had a steady job didnt cheat on my mom only messed her up ... ha' only ' deciet control
Self confidence and knowing your self worth ... if you place a proper value on yourself they know they will struggle to make you question yourself which will make it too hard for them to control you .. so they don’t bother trying and seek out another victim.
Well said.
The narcissist prefers a younger inexperienced partner to " train them, to keep them in line ", about 10 years younger, to marry. So, beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing.
@@eviejade6320 FORGIVENESS begins with your self and you already took the first step. You were willing to seek help from a therapist. Narcissists won't do that. Why not ? The answer is, BECAUSE THEY ARE NARCISSISTS. THE MASK WILL HAVE TO COME OFF AND THEY WILL HAVE TO FACE THEMSELVES,THE TRUTH OF WHAT THEY ARE, AND THEY CAN'T.
@@eviejade6320 Thanks for your courage. I thank you too. You can do it, as long as moving forward in your new found knowledge is what you really want and you follow through with it. You are never too old to live right. PERSEVERENCE IS MY MOTTO. YOU CAN BORROW IT, 👌 OKAY.
Getting back to me ....has taken years, not alot of supporters for the real me to show up
Excellent! Seeing how the narcissist delights on playing on my reactions is a sickening enough motivation to stay calm and confident. No fuel, no fire. Thank you.
I exude 'Calm Confidence', which is why narcissists don't try me...they know that I know what they're up to from the start.
Yes...we are very perceptive and they hate that!
Bait and bash is the narcs favorite game and they win every time.
Just because they bait doesn’t mean you have to bite. And NO, they don’t win every time, only when you play.
They hate themselves, it doesn't matter what you do for them. It's just sad how they can't be real or care and have to mirror others because they're incapable of love, only imitate, but never know how to really love anyone.
I agree with you. I got the impression they 'hated themselves' sadly to say
@@whitethunder9083 ..Yeah. And...when you as an Empath...'act' hateful to them...it confuses them ..They are their OWN worst enemy. x ;))
So sad but true
I'm so thankful for your work Dr. Carter. It helped me leave a 27 year marriage and heal. To everyone out there, it can be done. Life can be good.
Dr C called these people "con artist's" Wow, that's a very good description of them with all their deceitful and manipulative treatment. Thank you Doc.
I find that, when you try get out of the firing line of a narcissist, limit their access to you, or practise indifference, malignant narcissists in particular, will ramp up their interactions with you, by seeking you out, demanding attention, using all means of communication available to them. They are broken toys, and their sole mission in life is to destroy people of excellent character. No contact is the only option, and distance is key. The further the better. You don't stand a chance when you try to avoid them in a confined space, like a working environment. Power is given, control is taken, and the only way to take control is to get right out of their reach.
Yep. They escalate and escalate and escalate. Distance and falling off the face of the earth are oh so important.
True
True. My grandfather (mom's side) went to my father's work ( a highly respected university lecturer) and ruined his reputation saying he beats my mom and doesn't treat her well. He did this after my mom didn't agree to divorce my father (he didn't have a reason, he just didn't like him anymore). For years and years after that he made a strong smear campaign against my parents. A few months ago I've discovered my mother is a covert narcissistic herself and carries many of her father's traits. I'm trying my best to break the cycle. Malignant narcissistic are lively-hood threatening and can't be under estimated! Break all ties and RUN!
I like to tell them, “ It must be so difficult for you to get through life.” Deliver that message calmly. They love to have the attention on themselves anyway.
The more I listen....The more I see the light and apply this wisdom..The calmer I become 👍
That's the point! Dr. C
I've gone no contact with my mother several times and again now. She use to mirror herself onto me. She called me a con artist, told me I should be ashamed of myself, what a terrible daughter I am, how stupid I am, told me I was a mistake and is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. My childhood was filled with her screaming at me and my brother, hitting us, with wooden spoons, belts, slapping me in the face, bloody lips, so many accusations and being punished for things I didn't do. She would lose all control and go crazy on us. I remember sitting in my room crying and not knowing what I did wrong. She told me I was molested but won't tell me by who. My adulthood included all of the above except instead of hitting me or slapping me she would corner me and scream at me, push me and spit in my face. She's extremely controlling, manipulative, abusive and emotionally immature. One time we went to see a therapist together and I brought up the time she spit in my face when I was in my 30s. The therapist asked her if there was anything else she could have done in that moment and my mom said no and refused to apologize to me. Now at age 57 I'm able to look outside the box and have a healthy love for her. I feel very sorry for her and her illness. I wish I was strong enough to be able to be there for her and visit her but I've had so many traumatic incidents in my life that it's all I can do to take care of my own mental health. It hurts my heart that I can't be there for her with a calm confidence and not let her affect me with her screaming and verbally abusive comments and possible physical abuse. She's almost 78 and I think my last visit to see her was the last time I will see her here on this earth. At least right before I left after she was done throwing her temper tantrum we had a good hug by the car.
Also the last time I went to visit her I was better at having that calm confidence. When she attempted to rile me up I was able to stay calm the majority of the visit. At 1 point when she realized she wasn't having an effect over me she looked at me and said what's wrong with you. Another memory I have is when I was holding a kitchen cupboard door for her while she was screwing in a screw and we were in close proximity face-to-face and all of this sudden she said I bet I've slept with more men than you have and I said I don't know if that's something I would brag about. Another time she asked me if I had sex with one of her boyfriends. Which of course I didn't. Later... one day I was watching a video about mother narcissists competing with their daughters so that explains that.
The problem is enmeshment
That is what a narcissistic relies on to keep a person stuck. Healingbthe enmeshment and recognising you are actually a separate person.
Enmeshment!!! I am a big reader and I don’t think I have ever seen that word used before-thank you for using it ❤️👍🌸
The closer we are to a situation or person the more difficult, even with professional training, it is to step back and hit the calm and confident mark. The Black Knight of Monty Python comes to mind, "I'm alright, it's just a flesh wound." Practice, practice, practice.
"Calm confidence." I am going to write that on my hand before the next time I see the person. I can glance at my palm and brearhe when they start in.
Yep , cool idea safe
I mean Sage ...
WE NEED A TATTOO ON OUR ARM/WRIST AS A PERMANENT REMINDER! Great idea Sir!!!!!😁
I’m considering getting that tattooed on my inner arm...🙌🏼. (And I typed this without seeing the above comment!)
My new mantra!! This is gold!
I wish I had known all this when I was married to my Narc Wife. I remember exhausting myself explaining & pleading to convince her I had done nothing wrong when.......well, I hadn’t. I’m thankful today because I got out with my Sanity but her & the courts stripped me of everything else & it left some deep scars.
You cannot put a price on sanity ❤️👍🥂🌸
I want the same peace from going no contact,because he makes me feel bad,he can flip out any minute,and he doesn’t take me out or to church,and when he does he rushes me and then when I forget something he blames me😎
I have a narcissist in my life, outside of the home. Once I recognized his problem, I interacted with him with calm confidence. The result is that he hardens up. To the extent that he can, I don’t exist. I am actually okay with that.
Bravo
That’s right
(10:49) Calm confidence: no pleading, coaxing, or convincing. I choose not to go into that space of tense confusion if I don’t want to.
Every one of us has a dual nature (5:08)... we do some things right. We do some things wrong, flawed, mistakes.
I would also put it the way a wise person told me... everyone of us has a whole zoo of different types of animals within us, and it is the ones we nurture, pay attentions to, and feed that grow stronger. We have the seeds of all possibilities within us is another way to envision our potential spectrum of constructive to destructive energies.
My calm confidence is not the byproduct of a perfect life, but of a growth mode. (6:12). And because I am always growing and learning, I am not expecting myself to be perfect and can laugh at myself and the notion of perfection being expected. Why would I even exist if I didn’t have something to learn in this life is my approach... and I celebrate every ant step forward.
(6:42) I choose not to filter my SELF ESTEEM through another person, especially one who is so troubled.
Remember that when we point a finger at someone, we are pointing three fingers back at ourselves and one to our Creation... so a person pointing fingers at you is speaking three times more to themselves than to you.
And here is where I see the clearing tool of the Ho’oponopono coming in beautifully... silently erasing patterns that one feels arising inside oneself in response to any stimulus. It is a recognition that what everyone is dealing with is old worn out dysfunctional patterns that are coming up to be cleared out of yourself, your family, the people close to you, and humanity at large.
When centered in Calm Confidence:
(7:28) One does not have to react with lightening quick defenses or justifications of oneself.
(7:54) One practices the ability to be objective in the moment... as if one is an outside observer noticing the facts of the situation to think things through clearly.
(8:24) One does not allow oneself to feel shocked, but rather recognizes when the person is trying to control the situation.
(8:47) One can contain ones own anger ... knowing also that one can use any anger constructively as fuel to help direct and change some portion of the situation... being proactive!
(9:18) One is able to speak up for ones self, setting and maintaining loving, strong, healthy boundaries, actually setting an example for a functional way of living.
(9:38) One is able to keep ones words to a minimum, trusting that what one has said has been heard at some level, even when the words have not been acknowledged or validated in any way.
(9:52) One can learn to live with loose ends, keeping centered in ones inner calm. And I believe using humor helps diffuse tension and knotted up situations.
(10:14) One keeps a steady, even tone of voice during discussions, not joining in to their games of manipulation.
Living with a Narc is like sitting in a chronic mental traffic jam of confusion. Thanks to Dr. C I now chose to find the offramp and take another mental freeway. Also I have learned to "observe but don't absorb". Unplug emotions, put them in a place of not good or not bad. I understand the value and power of not playing!! Living on team healthy!!!!!
Are you a trucker? Traffic jams, off ramps, freeways 👍❤️🌸good analogies my friend!!!
@@tmo.48 No, just how I could relate to it!!
They love chaos and concussion!!!! Drama!
I'm calm and talk back like their in kindergarten. They can't take it and they explode and show their true self and it's funny. Their a joke you got to embrace. In the end I laugh. They get confused and turn into hibernation untill they strike again lol
I’ve heard it described as don’t JADE- justify, argue, defend, or explain. It’s worked well for me.
Or rather, "My self esteem is not contingent upon one person's opinion."
There is no limit to how unreliable, inconsistent these people are. It will be that way for decades
I am already so much better for these videos, Dr. C.! I love them! My daughter said "Huh?" when I disengaged with calm confidence. It was priceless. She was totally disarmed.
Julie Basco,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
So many of these videos, I wish the narcissists I know, would watch, BUT... they’d never know it had a THING to do with who they are. I have said before (and I think a lot of us have trouble seeing ourselves), a narcissist has NNOOO idea they ARE a narcissist; it will ALWAYS be your fault they act and react to you like they do!
Marcy RP,Hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
The day I divorced my narcissistic ex-husband will remain the best day of my whole adult life🙌🙌
When I divorced 4 Years ago, I was sooo happy I went to a night club to celebrate! 😂😂😂😂😂😀😂
"No pleading, no coaxing, no convincing"
I will definitely do well to stick with this helpful advice! Thank you Dr C :)
I needed this. Every time me and my narc go to eat, he starts an arguement, usually on the way there about nothing. He picks until I respond. The last time we went to eat, as soon as we got inside, he said he couldn't find his keys. Then he said, "Every time I go with you something happens!". Meaning it was my fault he misplaced his keys. Then over the course of dinner, he asked why I ordered something different than him, even though I always order what I want. I was about in tears. It's so frustrating! Then last night, he accused me of doing something I didn't do, then a cursed me of lying about it. I'm so done!
Cheryl Dellamano say good bye while you still have your sanity!
Sounds like he is conditioning you .
this story bring me sadness. it is all too familiar.
please plan your methodical escape.
If u're not married, say a quick, definite goodbye.
Get out, it never gets better and I know...I am a survivor of a 24 year marriage to a narc.
Not getting emotional and reacting to the narcissist's insults, etc. took me a very long time. I really had to work on myself to set boundaries and to remain calm. Sometimes the best way to deal with it is to let the narcissist say what they say and just not engage. I respond by saying stuff like "whatever" "I see" "well, what can you do". I also learned to excuse myself and go to the restroom or simply pretend to agree with them. I had one insult me by insinuating that I did not know how to bake this pastry. Her argument was only a baker shop could make it. I said "ok, yeah it looks like a major project".
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to simply outsmart them; let them have their opinions who cares?
When I have started to react calm - my ex-narc became always so mad about me. "Why are you so calm?!" - "Why aren´t you afraid?!" - "Why are you not scared?!" - But I was already on my way out of that relationship, so I found the power to not react and find the peace inside and a little laughter for his behavior :)
On my way out from my ex who was a narcissistic sociopath, I was becoming much more practiced at being calm and non reactive. I had very good help from a life coach who understood narcissistic abuse and whose specialty was helping people get out of cults. Without his help, I don't know what I would have done. He literally kept reeling me in and kept me sane. He taught me invaluable tools to use while I was extricating myself from the marriage. At one point my ex said "It's like you have a force field around you and I can't get in". I imagined it growing bigger while looking him right in the eye. He stumbled backward, hit the steps and landed on his ass. He looked afraid.
@@annemurphy8074 I am so proud of you! Well done! Yes - they are all afraid, afraid of being abandoned. Enjoy your free life, sweety!
@@danieladeutsch1708 Thank you Daniela! Lessons and wisdom hard won.
@@annemurphy8074 WOW ! I got let go after 2 years of abuse at work. They were astounded by my reaction. Absolutely calm. I felt really powerful. Felt all there. Feeling like a calm lioness. They were sitting so far from me it made me giggle. (Thank you mask). Who knew that when you are sure of your self worth, getting fired is nothing ! Time for a new life ! Wooo !! Hooo !!
@@prunelle9051 Good for you! We never have to tolerate such toxic behaviour.
What do you do when the narcissist is conning the neighbors by yelling lies? People who don’t know you to know whether it’s true or not.
Unfortunately, it took me getting away from him and educating myself before I regained my confidence. It’s hard to maintain your confidence when they’re undermining your confidence, manipulating and gaslighting you. And my final thought is how much extra work and it requires living with a narcissist and little you receive for all that hard work. Wish I’d had this information years ago!!
"Reframing"is a powerful tool for transformation, negating all regret, . eg. reframing what you said from unfortunately.... to " Fortunately it took me getting away from him and educating myself to regain my confidence, which is increasing as I grow stronger and healthier every day, enjoying more and ever more inner peace, joy, gratitude and abundance Now! "The power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is a great inspiration...Congratulations for taking your power back, as you are an inspiration to others.
@@stargazer5080 good point!
I discovered this a while back and it's totally correct. Not easy to start but do a little acting and fake it until you make it, it will start to work. Expect some bad behaviour as they try to draw you back in but maintain your dignity and calm and pretty soon they'll start to ghost and find another source. Hard learned experience from a lifelong plague of these sorts, Ive been a magnet 😬
I failed miserably keeping my calm, but totally thrown off guard by what the narc said.
I buried my dearest Dad the other day, he came around to give me support in the evening.. apparently.
Within 10 minutes of me telling him about the day he turned to me and said.
Why are you so upset.
Am afraid he got more than a reaction. They stoop so low then act like that was a normal question to ask after laying my poor dad to rest.
I was livid 😡
I'm sorry.
Sorry for your loss.
They will lure you into negativity.
I'm sorry.
I talk to myself as soon as they are close to me. " Your feet are on the ground, you are not talking to empty box and you do not need validation from it, you know who you are, I sing songs (Shame, shame shame🎶) giggling is the best remedy. Thank you mask.
I will say one thing...... this is downright emotional abuse and there is no sugar coating that. Sometimes it's even physical abuse. You are placing all the burden and responsibility on the victim and that is not right in any way. These narcissists clearly need to be held accountable. In fact, when you are ruining peoples reputations behind their backs and telling downright lies.... that is also against the law, period! They can be held accountable for trying to clearly and flat out ruin and destroy a persons life out of ill attempt to control them. Let's stand up to these narcissists and hold THEM accountable for their manipulation, lying and controlling as it should be. They don't get an "out" while the victim has to put in all the work and try to defend their innocent self.
There are 43 narcissists that have thumbs downed the video. The great thing is there are 6.2 k thumbs up! That means there are more normals than abnormal. That makes me feel good. I'm glad this subject of narcissistic abuse is being talked about so much now.
You have been such a large part of my recovery from a life colored, controlled, and significantly changed by a Narcissistic "Mother". I vowed when I was in 7th or 8th grade to NOT be like her (not knowing at the time what she was except controlling, domineering, abusive (mostly)) but I have gained so much of myself back due to your videos and by my very supportive Husband. I am learning to set boundaries, say NO, think of ME more, and remember a lot of the things in this video.
If there is one thing I want everyone to remember is THIS........ It's never to late and you're never.to old to begin recovery. I was 53 YO when I found out what this was and how to recover from it. I hope to have 20-30 more years of life and I plan on living them happier then I have ever been. Believing in myself and my abilities, being happy about what " I " accomplish without anyone's approval, and being able to say THANK YOU when someone tells me I have done a good job and not feel ashamed in doing so.
Thank you AGAIN for your videos on this very greatly needed subject matter.
YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB!!!!!👍
Me too
I had a narc mother also. They are awful. Finally a age 65, I stopped talking to her.
No pleading, No coaxing, No convincing!
My narc just talks over me and seldom takes a breath so I just say Whatever and leave the room. Mine is a roommate situation so there are no emotions involved on my part. And I'm very good at staying to myself for a very long time. She usually acts like things are fine after a day or two, and is sweet as pie and I'm well rested with my boundaries still intact.
First we have to stay calm in order to have any peace in the relationship while they rage and game-play, then we have to stay calm in order to safely disengage. So unfair.
They constantly tell you that all kinds of negative things are going to happen.
Junietta Reidhead,You don't need them!!
Don't play a game you will never win.
One of the first things I've found with these sorts of people is they ask me to lend them money (which I've all too often handed over!)
Once they owe me money they have emotional control over me because I don't want to upset them for fear they might not pay me back.
And of course once they have borrowed a little they always come back for more, and that's a trap easily fallen into because they are masters at apologizing for not having repaid what they owe by spinning a yarn that presses all your sympathy buttons and gets you reaching into your pocket again!
A video on how to resist people who ask for money would be good.
Just say no. You don't ask them for money.
Leaving my husband after 30 years, was The best decision in my life. I had tried a million times, but always Got convinced to go back. Because in The moment i left - he showed emotions and devastation and was able to talk and listen to me..... and i was fooled, every time.i thought - this is it. Now he Will change....
but.... then The endless discussions started over. His no-need to talk.... doing me a lesser person, telling all my faults, getting me into anger.... never Ending story....
i left two yrs ago, and still Benefit from your videos.
I Found my life companion since, and i have never felt more calm and relaxed....
Yeah... They crazy make and say,"look how you're acting!"
I am getting sick of it
@@candacecasey5634 so am I
Do not let them suck you into wars, just walk away.
At 50 years of age, I can finally say that I've learned my lessons.
This channel has helped me immensely. Thank you.
I no longer invite narcissists into my private life, and at work I discretely avoid them. There's minimal damage these days.
Those poor souls can't harm me any more.
Excellent! Me too :)
Be slow to anger… use self-control.
Set boundaries.
Speak little, not over-powering.
Don’t plead, coax, or convince.