How To Argue (But Not Fight) With A Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
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Because narcissists are so dominant and controlling, they have a knack for steering relationships into conflict. Do you have a game plan for handling yourself as potential arguments arise? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses developing a mindset that will serve you wisely in the midst of that conflict.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author who has 38 years experience in counseling. He has conducted many workshops and over 60.000 counseling sessions. He maintains his practice near Dallas, Tx.
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How to argue with a narcissist:
Step one: stand up
Step two: leave
That is the BEST solution when dealing with these assholes. And do not allow them around YOU.
Depends on the narcissist. That could get you in more trouble than ever. If someone with narcissistic personality traits feels they’re losing power and control, they can seek to regain it with such urgency and ferocity it’s like they’re gasping for air and will drown anyone and everyone to climb out of the ocean of instability.
SPOT ON STRAVROULA P!
Or beat his fucking ass. Most narcissist are massive pussies when it come to physical
i always do that to my narcissist mom and sister
They hate sarcasm too it makes them go ballistic
yep, I do that all the time to these creatures.
yah they have no sense of humor. its weakness to laugh afterall.
cfrdog laughter from a narc is only genuine when it’s at someone else’s expense. Usually it’s just a noise they make
@@srikandiwarion1422 hahaha Ican relate
Btw my father is maybe a narcissist
I saved this video for future reference. I'm glad I did. Watching this was a great reminder for the narcissist in my life. I can't believe how much I've grown in the past year! God bless Dr. Carter!! ♥️♥️
So pleased for you! Dr. C
When they say "Let me ask you something", Nobody will love you like I do", "I dont want to argue" Narc love to use these lines🙄🤔
In Laura's latest video, she had a funny take on the phrase, Nobody will love you like I do. Dr. C
That is something i have been hearing for a very long time. Also he says things like nobody else would ever be able to handle me the way he does, as if I am some kind of a mad person. He ripped me off my confidence.
It infuriates me when the Narc says they don’t want to argue cuz what they are really saying is I don’t want to be held accountable or I don’t want to discuss anything or can’t be bothered
Phoenix Rising how do you respond when the narc says “I’m not going to argue with you,”?
Yes, it happened to me today. Every time they pushed me, I did not react in a bad way, I handled it well, so they upped their game, and I tried to end the "argument" several times, but not forcefully, as I feared causing it to be worse. After almost 2 hours, because I did not walk away (I only politely said I did not want to argue), since they were not successful in causing me to react badly, their efforts got really intense, and I finally blew up and yelled at them, telling them to leave. Then, I was the bad guy, and suffered consequences for it. It's really bad when a person in their 50s is still being hurt and punished (and having their safety compromised to the point where it puts their life in danger) by their own parent - all because it's so difficult to be "mean" myself.
Being assertive is not being mean just because the narcissist says it is. At some point you bear some responsibility for not setting boundaries because by continuing to engage without clear boundaries enables their toxic behavior. I'm not saying that it's easy to be as assertive as you need to, but I would encourage you to continually ask yourself the following question...Would I rather find the courage to take necessary steps to protect my mental and physical wellbeing even if it means getting accused of being mean, or would I rather continue to be unsafe and miserable? Hopefully you don't have to ask yourself too many times until it gives you some perspective and makes it easier to choose being assertive for the sake of your wellbeing.
When my parents die, I know excactly what I will say to my sibling.
"You can decide everything. It's impossible to negotiate with you. I will not share this moment with you. Treat me as a guest. Text me when everything is ready. You don't care about me anyway. I'm not important."
This is how deep the problems become, around a narcissist.
I can't even imagine sharing a funeral with this person. Just the thought makes me sick.
All this is sad, of course, but betraying myself would be even sadder. I'have had enough.
Same here.
Going through anything with them leaves lasting trauma
But I'm an only child!
You don't have to stand up to a narcissist. They'll never see your achievements. If they disagree, just say "That's too bad" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" and get up and leave. You're never going to convince someone of your self worth who thinks you're beneath them.
They have No ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!
Getting used to losing arguments while retaining one's opinion and decision helps one strengthen one's self confidence.
You're not losing if you're not inside the game. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I get it now. One doesn't play the game. Everything is getting decoded, step by step, thanks to you, Dr. C.
Hello Dr Carter ! I have been following your channel from France for a few years now . Thank you sooo much.
You are very welcome, Victoria.
It's like, we would never get into a relationship knowing all of these points. So funny. No one in their right minds would. You feel foolish being in one and it's a tangled web. I like the examples you give for each point. Mindset is huge. I often am going in with trying to make my point, convince them my point is correct, or go through my mind set. I do provide them bullets when I try to prove my point. Thank you for this advice. So hard to stay clean and not yell. That's the one major thing I've been working on. With these tips hopefully I can do that. Usually, I go silent and just agree to whatever they want in order to avoid conflict.
Thank you so much---so helpful---YOUR videos are truly helping people! Blessings!!
I answered his question with a question lol it drove him crazy. I even flipped his own crap back on him when he tried to call me stupid I threw back calmly that he sounded stupid 😂. I was escaping him and he didn't know it 😂. He went into a rage and told me exactly what I wanted him to say he yelled lose my number I said no problem and I hung up on him and proceeded to delete his number and as I was deleting it he called me back trying to pull me back into his argument I just laughed and said There is no conversation to have Im losing ya number. I hung up and then blocked him from calling me and blocked him on facebook. Haven t spoken to him for at least about 6 months.
Outstanding knowledge, insight and advice ... as always.
I was born into a large family., Half normal, the other half narcissists.
And I learned some of those Manipulative narcissistic tactics that came natural to my siblings. It wasn’t until I was called out and made to see that I was manipulating and narcissistic before I sought to change my ways. Unraveling my behavior I was suddenly aware that I came from a family of narcissists and I was so disgusted by this revelation that I sought immediately to turn from these unhealthy ways of coexisting with others. Over a period of years through learned behavior of healthy people I excepted the differences that make up our diverse society and approached life from a more unified coexistence. Now I see things very differently and like the fact that we are all different and are allowed to respond and think differently from one another. I have a sharp awareness of narcissistic behavior from people trying to manipulate me I am quick to dismiss all efforts on their behalf to manipulate. Believe me it is not worth the time and energy to play a narcissist games. Called them out, and walk away
Who cares what’s going on in their head you ain’t gonna change em just run
A narcissist is the anti counselor.
More like the Antichrist.
Hahaha so true.
Their goal is to tear you down.
I know right.
My ex used to "counsel" me but it was to tell me
I had issues he damn well knew I didn't have. He
was just being an asshole. I hope he's happy with
the fat lady even though he said he didn't like
fat women. Stupid as shit.
LMFAO!!!
Excellent lesson!
So just say so we’ve come to an impasse, and they say, “ a what “, and say yea I agree, and walk off...🤣🤣🤣
What does it mean ?
Rain isn't wet... it makes things wet.
My technique was to go grey rock (I called it steel wall before I knew the term grey rock) & say “that’s not true” very firmly, stare at them directly in the eyes & smirk slightly. It sent them (did this with ex-relationship & an ex-colleague) into a massive rage (be very careful…of course you have to be sure they won’t lash out physically).
For my own survival, I had to play mind games & stop discussions or arguments to try & reason with them.
I looked at them & took on an acting role as if I was a sociopath 😂 of course, once I realised what they were (after much research) I was already planning my exit strategy to get away from them. Both did start to get physical & that’s when I had to accelerate the exit plan. Ex threw something at me & I knew it will only get worse & the colleague would bash into my chair when they walked pass & kick my feet under the desk etc.
God your books describe my tf’s dark narcissistic karmic woman ugh
Thank you for all your narcissist videos!💜🐬💜
Thanks! Dr. C
They hav my grandkids i cannot cut them off,, but I can b knowledgeable and trust God to HELP me,, TYJ
You can't force someone to respect you BUT YOU CAN REFUSE TO BE DISRESPECTED.
Good way to put it! Dr. C
true , but careful not to fall into the endless game of refusing disrespect , my codipendent father , 90 , is still doing this with our narcimother ..codipendent have never recognized the do feel guilty and responsable for the narci patner and they learned doing so where they grew up. our father grew up watching his grandfather beating and bulling his wife. and she wasn't that passive at all . BUT you guess what !! our mother is a violent and bossy woman behind the curtains ..covert narci type , and he himself spent all his life figthing her for respect like his grandmother . end of the day he lost respect from relatives and friends. Some codipendent can be like the glue of a fly paper , the narci and they will bring a narci into your life.
@@davart311 Great points!
Your NOT supposed to tolerate disrespect. If they do punch them in the mouth. End of problem
Thankyou.
Prayers going up for everyone who has to deal with a narcissist😣🙏🕊
Sandra Stanley A HUGE THANK YOU. I wish I found this channel much sooner. I pray for you.
Sandra Stanley I messaged yesterday saying I had problems with my OCD Narcissistic sister who had an extreme reaction to my decision, due to my own mental health problems, not to attend her happy‘family event’ last Sunday! I decided to delete yesterday’s post. But I do so need your prayers because her reaction was absolutely frightening. I am a Christian, so I am requesting your prayers, and if there’s other people out there who is a Christian too please pray for me! Thanks 🙏
Thanks sis
Sandra Stanley everyday
Currently dealing with a narcissist and is making a big deal out of the every moves i make. This is a coworker im talking about
You can't argue with someone who lies and distorts reality to their own will. They can just keep lying to benefit their own point. You can't counter a lie.
Yep, especially when they lie to themselves and actually believe their own lies.
you cant win an argument with a gaslighter .its like trying to fight a black belt ninja with a feather . no matter how you act you will always be wrong .
@@Lifeisconfusingimlost You can tickle them with that feather though (your indifference).
I only wish I knew what a narcissist was when I was 20 years old.
No time like the present. Dr. C
Cynthia King l agonise with you.... l know!!!
and now that you DO know, TAKE ACTION. Awareness + Acceptance + Action = Change.
AMEN!!!!!!
Oh my gosh! For real!
You can't have a rational conversation with an irrational person.
Tell me about it 🙃
Amen! 🙌 I heard a lawyer say once “when you have facts on your side, you argue facts.. when you don’t have facts, you just argue”
Isn't that like banging your own head against the wall, hello!
Or as my Grandaughter said..." you can't argue with stupid"..😂
And herein lies the problem.
I am not a therapist but it has been my experience that the number one rule of trying to resolve conflict with a narcissist is, DON'T.
Don't try to tell your side of the story to outsiders, time will hopefully take care of that for you.
Just move on. The people who truly love you will stick by your side.
So true
I absolutely agree. I only wish I had realized this years ago…for my own sanity.
Wisdom
Say goodbye to the flying monkeys and anyone in their circle. They are toxic too. They are enablers.
This happened to me. Did what you just stated. I’m in a great spot now. :)
Narcissists love putting one on the witness stand! And you better have a tape recording! Because they will twist up your words or deny parts of conversation even existed
I have recorded them this is so true
Damn me 2. When i. Listen to the things I recorded it's like I never knew this person and the devil is hiding besides her.
I swear, talking to them is like taking crazy pills- they deny and twist everything! I always wish I could have a recording to prove my point... but alas, it’s useless w narcissistic people...
Mine used to try to trap me by saying "Give me an example" when I tried to point out something he had said or done.
It's extremely frustrating when you're backed against the wall trying to defend myself.
Big mistake by me to fall for it. There was NO winning with him.
BTW I am 21 months no contact!
Yeay me!! :)
@@coolwindinmyhair...5094 mine would tell me to do the same and then justify his behavior, tell me I'm wrong or it didn't happen demean and criticize me to take the focus off of him!
They forget things they said. Or lie they don't remember saying any of that.
Or just deem your poin pointless all together.. and address what ever is on there agenda
everybody forgets irrelevant things...or people...or things they said to irrelevant people...;)
They never forget. They just want you to doubt yourself.
@@aminataummassya5404 yes and as a child of one, I spent over 60 years doubting myself.
@@MyWagga I'm so sorry , you must find certainty in Allah. Believe in Him, put your trust in Him alone and nobody will ever control your mind. Pure monotheism (la ilaha illa Allah, there is no god but Allah) is the only way to have a free heart. Free from people's and satan's deceptions.
Narcissistic doesn't want to find solution, they hate all solutions. Because solutions mean the fights will end.
You are correct. I grew up with 3 of them, mother and 2 sisters. They haven't changed a bit and any solution offered just makes things worse for myself. I avoid them best I can.
@@stevedyches4635 3? How could you survive? I grew up with 1(mother) and still question myself how I did it. You have to have really strong ability to cope with bullying and drama. Never go back, never
@@marcelamrekajova5088 Well, I'm not the most well-adjusted individual, but I suppose things could be worse. Narcissism begets narcissism usually and once I recognized it in myself I became self-loathing and depressed while thinking back on all the people I harmed, my self included. I nearly offed myself, but I'm over that now. Still working things out, but my family seems to be a lost cause. They have no desire for self-improvement as they love themselves just the way they are and admit no faults. They want everyone to go along with their agenda and to preserve the false image they have carefully crafted to hide behind. They are miserable and pathetic. I've been their plaything, but no more games for me.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. This guy is great, glad I found him. I appreciate your concern as well.
Lmao if they are not a diagnosed narcissist then just because people don’t like being wrong doesn’t make your relatives a narcissist lol.
Too right!
“Relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it.” - Bree Bonchay
This describes my 30 year marriage
my relationship with my mom in a nutshell lol
@@Lifeisconfusingimlost Hope the rest of the folks in your life treat you extremely well & you're able to detach from your Mom God bless you ✨☘️🙏
This describes my relationship with my sister.
@@freeandfabulous4310 Oh God bless you
It's difficult bec@use i'm sure you honestly really love your Sister & it's not so simple to detach from
But you just keep keeping Strong💪👍👏You deserve the best God bless you ✨☘️🙏
The narcissist in my home pretends to have empathy, but it's an act.
The fool I know does this too... what a pity
Yes. It's so hard because you keep thinking they might change and then they play these games again
@@miniaturerose2805 Sadly they will never change. Why would they......... In their minds they are PERFECT.
My fucken mom two faced asf
you have zero idea what empathy means....without empathy how can we manipulate you people so well.....what we pretend to do is care....but we can very acuratly feel and understand what the other person is feeling , even before the other person realises it...understanding and caring are two very different things.....
here is a nugget for everyone. Don't waste your time e trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you!
Message received. Dr. C
No need to be on the defensive.
Thank you i understand now what man i was with a psychopathic
I learned to call it "stop trying to buy bread at the hardware store." Took me three decades to get it.
mary wolfe
excellent point!!!
Be cold as ice with a narcissist. Show no emotions or negative energy. Let them argue with themselves. Live your life like they don’t exist. Be cordial, say hi, good morning etc. other than that be bland with your responses. Don’t explain your opinions or thoughts to them. Explaining will lead to debates and arguments.
Nailed it! No energy at all starves them!
YES! great tip! so i am dealing with this kind of person in a houseshare at the moment - we're all trapped because of covid. he's toxic.
Except for "Be cordial, say hi, good morning etc.". Don't waste your breath.
Words of wisdom. Thank you Scott Caldwell.
@@uterushaver8309 AND U Don't OWE Them THAT 🤔 They See It As Acknowledgement n Respecting Them. It's Bad Enough U Are Taught To Love Your Attackers🤦👎
The lockdowns this year have given me time to reflect and realize just how many of these people are in my own family. It's kind of disturbing. I have a lot of careful and gradual cutting out to do for my own health and sanity. Being alone is better than being around unhealthy people that are hurting you.
Well said
Agreed, look for people that don’t grow in a positive way but always have an opinion on things. Also if they believe the tv.
Be careful cutting, that break is the most desperate time for them. They'll do and say anything.
Being alone, and being lonely are two different things.
Even as extroverted as I am, I am perfectly fine to be alone.
God bless you.
same. having realised that these are not good to be around, i have literally cut off , everyone! the narccisists first, then realising (quite quickly after) their enablers also needed to go! is a certain freedom to those actions as i can reflect and see things clearer now.
An argument with a narcissist is like trying to drink a glass of air.
That communicates. Dr. C
Lol! I agree.
Katherine Shaw 💫well said.
🤣
As in you can't do it. 👍💯🥇
"Never wrestle with a pig, because you'll both get dirty but the pig loves it." Mom. :-)
Mom knows best. Dr. C
Awesome! If your mom said that, I bet she has a bunch more wise and funny sayings!
@@YesuAiNimen Yes, she does. I am amazed sometimes at how often Mom's little sayings pop into my head and how often they are right on the mark and still provide me with guidance.
Surviving Narcissism well my mom is most likely a narcissist so maybe not
Brian Bateman this is so great!!! Writing it down!
Another consideration: You can never make any mistakes when dealing with them. You can't slip and throw a temper, you can't swear or yell, you can't react in frustration. Because a narcissist will take that mistake, and they will use it to dismiss your position, your feelings, and defeat your argument. Worst case, you will be painted to all and sundry as an abusive person and they are the victim, and you will isolated by everyone who is blind to the narcissist's tactics, and you will never be able to get what you needed by entering into conflict with the narcissist.
This is why you should follow the advice in this video. If you don't (and end up arguing), the narc will NOT stop until you cannot help but hit the breaking point as you have so expertly described.
That’s what happened to me she abused me and called me the abuser and her family thinks I was the abusive one...it hurt
I have learnt over +10 years married to a narc to never show negative emotions... He would become very abrasive day after day until I have some emotional reaction like "I can't take this anymore"... Big mistake and my punishment: threaten with divorce, sleep in spare room, silent treatment.... etc, etc
That's what happens in my marriage. I try to make it work as a Christian woman but don't know how much more I can take.
So true
I avoid them and rather choose the company of a dog or cat.
Amen to that
Lol yes especially a cat! I go out to the garden and talk to my deceased cats at times. They still give me love when my personal narcissists get wound up.
There are narcissists animals too. 🥳
True Love Seeking Accomplished me too , or stranger!!!
ditto
Everytime I get off the phone with them. I feel like I just have nothing left. I'm sooo tired...
Begin to get off SOONER. You do NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE IN YOUR LIFE. You NEVER OWE AN ABUSER ANYTHING OF YOUR/YOURS. You do NOT NEED TO BE POLITE AND LISTEN TO THEM; they do NOT UNDERSTAND POLITE because they are not into resolution of problems. They NEED TO WIN, no matter the cost TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING, because they CANNOT SEE BEYOND THEIR short range of vision/needs/wants/etc.... The Narc, believe that most EVERYONE OWES THEM, so they feel 100% justified in whatever thoughts, actions, behaviors, words, feelings they experience, AND the ones they make up in an effort to enlist pity and support from others. They are a sad, DANGEROUS, sick, and horrifically abusive people who do not know how to stop, mainly because they do not want to, because it is THOSE BEHAVIORS that have kept them emotionally SAFE from harm/ from others, They DO NOT CARE whose lives they are destroying, particularly because they literally lack the ability to engage in compassion. Let alone HUMILITY. Humility is at the core of EVERY SINGLE SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLE; without engaging in HUMILITY, they can NEVER, EVER GROW, NEVER GROW UP, NEVER EVOLVE. They will remain FOREVER STUCK IN THEIR EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY because they will never learn HOW TO NOT BE AFRAID OF THEMSELVES AND OF OTHERS. But, the 12 Steps WILL OFFER THEM THE OPPORTUNITY to LEARN HOW.
@@heatherossbrandy I felt the same way. His abuse , name calling, diminishing on the phone was inevitable. I stopped answering. I only text and to the point, he doesn't like it and insists on calling and calling. I know better. So I don't answer.
Unfortunately thru experience I totally get it
I am also tired. Narcissist's are so draining.
@Maddy. The local I had this with my father-in-law in life, nearly broke a marriage. All you have to do is leave them as much as you can out of your life as possible, they would be still part of your life, you will still visit and see them but they will have no decision making and have no controlling aspects in you life. Then you are free . Don’t rely on them for anything, be independent completely. When you see them, just ( nod , wave and smile ), then continue with your own life.
They will try to better you, put you down, slander you to others, or give you the cold shoulder( probably missed some 😂) but don’t compete. It works!
How too beat a narcissist in any argument. Don’t speak. They will then argue with them self’s. Crazy 😜
Quite a few times Jesus gave no answer to the instigators of trouble. He waited and only answered when He was ready too.
Sooo true, and they will ignite themselves to the point of breaking furniture
all alone.... its fckn madness
That's so true. Lol
It is hard sometimes cause they'll hit you where it hurts. Especially if they're a covert narcissist. They likely know your weaknesses because they appeared as such a nice person 😓
You can't argue with a narcissist as they either won't answer your questions or they'll just change the topic completely. When it come to a narcissist the only thing they care about is they are always right and you are always wrong. Saving face comes before anything else when it comes to a narcissist.
They never want you comfortable or happy, or if they see you relaxed, they say you don't care.
Sad but true. Dr. C
They can see you clearly in your personhood and your independence from them and independence from their own mad need for approval. Your strong mindset is foreign to them. They see a real person, one who is as complete as any human being can be on this earth. They deep down covet that mindset and the qualities that it bestows on you. The narc knows, against their own will, that this is true power. The narc sees you as the monster for possessing this life within, and they throw themselves one pity party after another until they die. This knowledge is also the reason why narkos work so very hard to destroy you.
Yes, if you focus at all on yourself you don’t care about anything they have going on
If they say you don’t cate... agree 😂
That's the point....I don't care! 🤣🤣
One thing I’ve learned is you have to stay 2-3 steps ahead of a narcissist and never let your guard down....EVER
How do I do that?
........ DEFINITE ACCURACY TLee Rogers ***
Too exhausting! I spend very limited time with them. At the first sign of control I end the visit.
but how? How do i do that?
has to be done, better than being driven to insanity...
Their goal is never to gain any understanding. Their goal is to keep you in a emotional chaotic state of defense. I like how this guy said stay out of defense mode!
Girl
Jai M then you have to figure out the complexities of survival mode then the PTSD mode of fight or flight this abusive personality will eventually cause you as they steam roll you under their Narssis ..good luck..my ONLY advice from a life time of personal experience is to GET OUT , save yourselves .
their goal is to survive and try to live a normal life.. what you dont understand is that they are always in an emotionally chaotic state of defense. The emotions you felt are likely just a taste of what the narc constantly feels.
Right...because they are ALWAYS in offense mode. They don't handle defense mode well at all!
@@azonicrider32 is there no way to help them from outside? is there no way to show them i'm not a threat?
I'm five years into a marriage with a extreme narcissist, it's been hell. Whatever you ask them to not do they do, and whatever you ask them to do they don't do. It's a twisted spirit. Everything is crazy.
If this is truly the way it is for you, then I advise you to get out of it any way you can. It will not get better and you just may end up like my brother, stripped of your manhood and quaking at your own shadow, fearful to say a word. Or like me, steps from suicide, before God intervened. Prolonged exposure to it will make things that horribly real. Bless you.
@@thriftylady662 How did God intervene?
I'm 39 years married to a covert narcissist and it's still exactly like that. He hasn't grown at all.
Good luck God bless
Jennie
Satan or demonic spirit.Narcs is an evil spiritual possession. The only way the dark can really heal as if that spirit is being taken out of them.
Even if they think about 'right'and you say 'right'than they SAY:'left'.
That means to me:they want to for them EXPERIENCE:CONTROL! It's sad....this means I think you deal with a covert narc. It's as if it's demons in there.
Save your breath and sanity. Arguing with narcissists will wear you out .
coralarch wow u pose2 have million likes 4that , you right ass hell
just manipulate them
are...are youa narcisist?
If you win, you lose; if you lose, you win.
True
*Tip:* Learn how to directly answer a question with out giving a justification for your answer.
*Why:* Manipulative people will do everything they can to invalidate your justification so that you will do what they want you to do. Do not give then a point of attack and an explanation or a justification is a point of attack
*Example:*
_Q:_ Do want to go dancing?
_A:_ Thank you, but, I'm going home. (Don't say you're tired, have work, you're a homebody, you're hungry, etc. Any justification for going home will be picked apart and you feel compelled to give new justifications for your initial justification)
_Follow up Q:_ Why? Don't you want to have some fun? Don't be a party pooper!
_Follow up A:_ Thanks anyway. Have a good time.
I had to learn to feel comfortable giving such direct answers with out any explanations or justifications and to say it without embedding any negative emotion in my response.
Being able to do this is critical with family.
Yes I've just started doing this also. I was with a narc husband for 40 years. Left several years ago but still have to deal with him. I just learned to give answers without justifications or excuses too. It helps a lot. And it gives you your dignity back
Tanuki
That’s a good tip. Will keep this in mind.
But what if they keep going - even after you said “I’m fine. Thanks”.
And they say “what do you mean you’re fine? Why don’t you want to do this.”
@@sabsays4091 they're drawing you in. Just say no one that's all I have to say. Eventually they'll give up. When they can't bait you into more conversation and have you bending over backwards to please them or Justify things they tend to go away on their own. To find other people to manipulate
Thank you.
I would just say " no".
Never ending cycle. At some point you must end all contact.
Yep, rip off that bandaid.
Agreed, they don’t change.
Michael F. Tommey a bit hard to find someone else when the narcissist is your mum
Its my mom. In 1 year max i would move alone once i find a good job
Easier said than done when its family. Not everyone is dealing with a romantic relationship or someone at work. Sometimes its blood and it means you not only need to understand you need to be more self-aware. If that's my parents could that be me?
7:35 How to argue (after the 7 min. intro)
1. Does your argument make sense?
2. Use calm plain tone
3. Not defensive back and forth
4. Remain decisive
5. Assertive action
6. Goal is stating facts, not winning
7. Manage your emotions under stress
Thanks!!!!
Thank you 😊
Or watch his full video because he's trying to inform and help people.
@@kode4420 this. The intro matters to people that aren't already experts on it. Then again, this comment isn't necessarily for the noobs either.
I think you misstated #6, as that's not what he said -- which was,"Standing up for who you are is the goal." (11:46) (He also adds that the goal is to stay consistent with good, clean, healthy emotional well-being, while engaging with the narcissist.)
Lack of Empathy was the biggest red flag I missed/ ignored
This is such a critical point. Watch how they treat waitstaff, cashiers, customer service. Do they display contempt toward them, annoyance, belittle them? These are the signals we can observe that indicate absence of empathy.
Watching my parents decline and eventually passing, I realized how exhausted I was, but had to persevere and make funeral arrangements, tend to their house and finances , but he never as much offered any consolation or assistance. Not as much as a reassuring gentle hand on mine during their funerals. I know he is a narcissist and I have tried to tolerate his attitude for way too long…57 years! Nothing I say is not twisted in reverse of what was expressed. It’s as though he’s an automaton, cold and callous. I know life with him is destroying me, but there is nothing I can do. He has been cunningly in control of our income, except I determined my SS check would automatically deposited into my checking account, which I can monitor and control. He won’t go anywhere except grocery buying, barber, doctor. Won’t go to church, where I have my membership for 70+ years. I had a hip replacement 3 years ago, surgery was uneventful but it is painful to walk. A neighbor couple are helpful in emergency. My faith in God is my strength. My gravesite is beside my parents and other relatives who loved me so I anticipate my final resting place. Looking around our house, the ‘things’ don’t matter. As Jesus taught, I have tried to live following His examples. I intend to create a new last will and testament, only to prevent conflicts unknown. Fortunately for them, we have had no children. Closest relative is a niece, who has everything and lives 600 miles away, but I really don’t have assets she would find interesting. She lives a more extravagant lifestyle, but we keep in touch. She has no idea what hell my life has been and is. I do not fear the end of my life in death, other than pain which I trust my physician to manage if necessary. I hope to unite in Gods glorious Heaven with my beloved family and friends. It is life that is frightening. At this point I don’t envision a glimmer of hope.
My msg. Is too wordy and I apologize . Perhaps though another victim of narcissistic behavior can benefit from my pathetic tolerance of this destructive relationship and seek counseling (Which I did, many years ago.Of course, he wouldn’t go.That’s for women, he said, etc) I was counseled by a trained and licensed family relationships minister. His listening and guidance into self preservation actions enabled me to survive the horrors of being useless and helpless in the eyes of my spouse.Dreading the time when either of requires hospitalization. The nurses told me to go prepared to stay with him. I did that when he had s angiogram and the emplaced stents. But he didn’t care I was there or not, but walking around from the parking lot, finding his room, which is always a mile away,in a place you’ve never been, was very painful. I kicked off my shoes that night and next morning, found my feet so swollen I couldn’t put them on again.Then of course he spoke so rudely to me, I almost left. But the doctor came in. Hubby had also needed a couple of by-passes.
He’s ok now, just as ornery. Still unappreciative of anything I do for him. Thank you if you read this. I hope it didn’t cause you a headache. elizabeth
Some say it’s the biggest red flag that you’re in the presence of a narcissist. The creature who called herself my mother had a shocking lack of empathy. Her heart was made of ice.
@@e.conboy4286 dear Elizabeth, thank you so much for sharing. I want to get out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist. It has recently gotten violent and I’m now afraid to be around him. After he hurt me and I expressed that I was in pain it made him even angrier. That is an even bigger red flag than the abuse itself. Zero empathy. I’m praying for the strength to get out for good. Your reply helps me.
@@e.conboy4286 Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you. You sound like such a sweet person who has endured so much pain. I’ve just gotten out of a 4 year long narcissistic relationship and I can’t imagine being stuck with him. You have so much strength I can’t even believe. I hope you can find peace and strength within yourself to continue on. Maybe go to church without him? Take a cab or maybe someone you can carpool with? Get all dressed up and go? Having a bit of your own piece of life outside of him might make you feel better. I hope you find peace 💜💜
You can't argue with a narcissist or a psychopath. Just leave.
“Winning is not the goal!” That one sentence just changed EVERYTHING for me!! Thank you!!
Narcissists are like vampires - they feed off people but they shrivel & evaporate when exposed to the bright sunlight of public exposure.
That is so so true! Energy Vampires, life sucking vampires! I think that in my case, the only way to shut them down, was when they least expected it. Unfortunately I grew up with a Mother and two brother's that are Narcissist. And, then wondered why I was always drawn to boyfriends that were also Narcs. It wasn't until I realized how empathetic I really was/am, and a magnet to the Narc. After I'd had more than enough I was going to play their game (the last thing they expected from me), and I played to win this time! I knew it wd be hell to pay if I wasn't fully armed with all the right weapons. Calm, direct, and catching them totally off guard! I don't recommend this to other's bcz it was a last straw for me, and either way I was doing it for me first, and then "to" them. They hate to be confronted in front of anyone else. Even though they (my family) probably won't change towards others I put my foot down when they least expected me to, and if we never spoke again I was fine with that. Thank God, I haven't been their victim ever since! I think my 30 plus years was enough. That was 15 yrs ago. I truly feel sorry for people who have narcs in their life, and for the Narcissist themselves. I think they were injected with evil without even knowing it! But as nice as I usually am, I've learned my lesson to steer clear of them if ever I meet one!
Bill Howard Yeeees. Emily Liberty
Hahahhaha
Very true, in fact, the Bram Stoker tale of Count Dracula is actually based on narcissism. See the Bela Lugosi version and see how the narcissism works.
Hense the term I use "Narcula!"
How to argue with a narcissist? Don't even try, get rid of them.
My mother called last night with the intent to argue and create drama. At first, as usual, I tried to reason with her.
Then, suddenly, everything I’ve been learning kicked in and for the first time in my life, I stepped back emotionally and detached from her drama.
She eventually became so angry that she didn’t want to talk anymore and hung up. Normally that would have stressed me out and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep.
Because I was able to step back, not engage in the drama, I heaved a big sigh of relief to be finished with our conversation, and didn’t even think about it anymore except to feel the pride of a job well done. Just had to share.
If we keep working at it, eventually the healthy skills will become second nature. There is hope! Lots of it!
Deanne Miller SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I remember the first time I was able to step back from my mom and realize what she was doing. It’s a little sad to see just how long and how many circles they go through. I’m glad that you recognize things now hopefully you’ll continue to grow outside of your relationship with her. Good luck
Well done❣. It won't be the last time... but knowing that is a huge step forward. 💕
Wow! Good for you. Congratulations for that accomplishment.
That is so good to read. Encouraging too.
Good for you! It's true, that's what they mean with knowledge is power. I haven't been able to do so yet with mine 🌷
It is so hard not to get sucked into the argument..only to be told your crazy why are you shouting when your not even shouting...🥴
Lgac123 Lgac123
They say you are yelling, no matter how calm you are. Even your breathing is too loud for them
@@maslinebere2622 I kr!
absolutely.
OMGOSH! How True!!!!!
Wow I thought i was the only one who has been told that too. "Your yelling like a lunatic..." and first thought is I haven't really even raised my voice. I've been almost convinced I must talk really loud then....
"When you get into an argument winning is not the goal."
That's the problem with narcissists. They argue to win. By any means necessary. Even if they have to lie. Which is why it's pointless to argue with them.
Zekaryah Child of TMH GOD or they piss you off after gaslighting to get a reaction and strong interaction to satisfy their vampiric attention need then turn around and act nice to keep a maddening cycle going.
I think you must have met my mother.
They are ALL PATHOLOGICAL LIARS! They HAVE TO BE to be able to 'always be correct, make no mistakes, never commit a social faux pas, to ensure no one will Laugh and Point at them, so they CAN REMAIN THE PERPETUAL VICTIM, rather than a perpetrator!' They NEED to manipulate every scene they are in according to their desired perception by others', so lying is an ABSOLUTE, 100%, UNDENIABLE NECESSITY!!!
My mother would say "you will never get the better of me, you will never get the last word, so I gave in. And so she always won
Two seconds later they can’t even tell you what they were arguing about. It all is full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing. BUT…. what if they kill you? Their anger is scary!
I'm tearing up watching this because I think I finally realize why I've always felt unheard by my mom. This feels weird.
uniqueLeo08 I felt that way in 2013 when I cut ties with my sister,my brother in law,and my 2 nephews in which my sister was a major controller(narc)and to this day I have greatness in my life...this all started with the loss of both my mom and dad which strengthened me and made me well trained in this controlling character and there are so many out there.
great first step - realizing where you came from. read the literature, then find a good therapist if you can afford one. sometimes, the readings are enough. good luck - i hope you heal, because you are a wonderful person!
UniqueLe08 I hear you. One never realizes how it affects us as adults.
Am at the sorting out the facts stage. The narcs siblings, in-laws, neighbors, etc are all awake and aware but each has chosen a particular lie that they like and insist are true despite contradictions galore.
Sis wants to believe a certain train of lies while the brother has a completely different train. It's rough but each of the victims has some truths to share. Even after death the narc has their minions and victims messed up.
It's their LEGACY.
I made sense and I had the biggest quarrel with my mom 2 months ago . yeah, it's on her. even tho I want my mom to be "cured" from her NPD and I feel a bit sad when I have to cut mom-son relationship, I don't regret it. it's a pity that my home doesn't feel like home anymore. is there anyone here that succeeded in rebuilding relation with narcissistic family member? please let me know. thanks
Say nothing that's how you deal with a narcissist because anything you say will get twisted by them when told to someone else
WOW, that is True, THE ONLY THING to Say to a Narc Is Thru the COURT System, he listened to me then... and was forced to negotiate a Settlement, I did better than Okay.... THANKS all for Supportive Words.
its easy to say but they can be very charming when they need to be. I had no idea until I was too far in. Then I felt trapped.
When I call my dad and he attacks I pretend the connect cut out LoL
Furthermore, if someone is dumb enough to not see that narcissism and believe the crap they say about you, then they too are not worth saying anything too. Let them be their little minion...
@@brittywren2877 that is when you need to establish and maintain self confidence in your own convictions and not shy away from any of your original decisions. Once you condition yourself into the way of thinking that my decision is final and will not be changed for anything, is the day you truly hack and overcome the toxicity of a narcissist.
Step one ☝️ do not talk to a narcissist
Finding these videos has lifted a burden that I have been carrying for 45 years. I thank the Lord that I found this channel!
Not a moment too soon 🙂
Are there any children of a narcissist, out there, who are amazing communicators...and wonder if it's because you tried so hard to connect with a narcissist while growing up?
This! I am so good at communicating with people and keeping things under control is because I had to be the parent for not only my sister but my parents as well :(
Yes, but I d rather be me.
Yes! I'm 40 years old. I am a daughter of a mother of origin who I've always believed was mentally ill in some way but I blamed myself for being the reasonfor her frantic paranoia and crippling fear. She isolated me from the world through religion and dictated the 'puppet show' that was my 'family' with an iron fist. Seriously physically and mentally abusive and has the rest of her clan which include ( my 7 other flying monkey siblings, my subservient father who is her ever bitter lap dog , her church cronies, all the outsiders looking in). I saw through her bull@$$ when I turned about 16. She's been awful towards me ever since. Smear campaigns behind my back. I just found out about the covert/vulnerable narcissistic child abuse symptoms. Everything fits her to the letter. I moved to another state and I'm the only one out of that ignorant group of emotionally empty family who is AWAKE to what's happened. All this time I have been treated contemptuously by that woman (mother of origin) I realize now that its because I had to be 'silenced' by her because my insight as an empath, and my strength and courage at age 16 was enough to make her 'the covert narc' do whatever was necessary to destroy my credibility.
@@5668i6 yes, get this! My mother got pregnant with my father but for some reason didn't want to marry him, had sex with the man she did marry within the plausible deniability window and made him marry her telling him I was his child. What's unbelievable is that she found a man that looked almost exactly like my father so there would be less obvious, and all these years everyone can see my false father in me. She had two more "legitimate" narc daughters to seal the deal.
@@america9704 these mothers of origin of ours are so twisted. I re read your original comment about how being a child of a narc parent contributed to us being excellent communicators. You have such an amazingly accurate view of the truth as I know it ! Definitely! You know what, I am just figuring out that these deficiencies of empathy and light in our mothers if origin seem to fuel the fires in us to be the exact opposite. I believe we are the ones who are responsible for breaking these abuse cycles. The narc 'sisters 'of yours are reptilian eyed creatures who obediently follow the mother's example. These people will continue to keep the hatred and ignorance going. Do you ever notice how they never bring up the abuse they definitely doled out to us or others? Does your mother of origin pretend like nothing is wrong?
Once they get you emotional charged up you 've ALREADY lost they have NO feelings
Anger and conceit.
Panic, too.
They have feelings just extremely self centered. It’s like they’re imprisoned within themselves. They can’t connect with others.
They ALWAYS come out smelling like a rose when they created the shit storm.
100%
Narcissists are miserable assholes who deny being miserable.....They will die old, alone, miserable, with a negative attitude, negative energy, and never realizing they are miserable; they mad at the world for whatever reason!!
Sounds like breakdancing in a minefield.
That was best comment everrrrr!
I agree. hahaha. But if I ever had to ... which I did... breakdance in a minefield I'd want as much time as possible to spend with BreakDancers and those who knew of minefields. Sadly your comment comes from someone who knows the horrors of being subjected to narcs. I pray you are well brudda. Breakdancing in minefields ain't no joke. That's the perfect analogy.
Very accurate description
Basically.
splabbity yeah and the end result is limbs getting blown off!!!!!
The Narcs draw you into circular arguing.....it never gets anywhere or gets resolved...
Not once in 10 years.
One thing I said to him recently that was liberating for me:. I know who you are, I know what you do, and I know it's on purpose. You choose to be this way.
I said it calmly.
😱😱Omgawsh yessss!😵
Exactly. Refusing to resolve anything (because of your inability to agree with their side) is their power tool for keeping you frustrated.
that's "inability"... it's a shaming technique.
@@mistsandrain The release you felt when you said that to his face must have been amazing!
The true role of a narcissist is to teach you self control... Narcissist are unavoidable, they are everywhere
It is very difficult if you have to work with a few. Not Trying to win mentality is refreshing here.
I can't agree more.
Yes there is practically no escaping them. They are everywhere! Employees in stores and restaurants are narcissist who will abuse you (the customer) while they are on the clock! Unbelievable!!! This is a great video !!
Well said…
Everywhere! Friends & Family + Neighbors! I wonder if any Narcs Watch these videos😅
Would they see themselves? Learn? Probably Not.
another trait of narcissists is vengefulness and grudges held on a person who reacted badly to something horrible or gruesome they originally did to that person. They recall the situation as they were victimized. Another one is personal hatred towards anyone/anything that opposes them even if they’re (the narcissist) wrong or just have a different view.
You got that right.
Its human trait to seek revenge but in narcissists its on another level
@@rohithreddy75 inequitable vengeance in hyper-sonic super drive!! Overkill beyond anything you can imagine!
Physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse have no boundaries for them. And that's for something you didn't even do!
In reality they were misinformed and ignorant, they lack insight and comprehension about people and circumstances. They cant fathom actually speaking to you adult to adult to get to know you and discuss your intentions, needs, and the situation in question.
@@christineribone9351 They all act like the same. They cause Pointless/meaningless chaos
@@rohithreddy75 Thank you RR. You are very concise (I get too wordy). It's like a tornado disaster hit. Everything got demolished and violently torn to pieces. We're part of the aftermath. We're mutilated by flying lethal weapons, barely alive, internally damaged and traumatized.
I find myself constantly defending myself against baseless allegations. They don’t truly believe the things they are accusing you of. It’s a strategy to keep conflict going and make sure there is no resolution.
Missy Sterling I just don't answer those stupid questions anymore
Very true, they blame you for their short coming.
Exactly. We don't need to defend ourselves.
I hear you , but why ? What is their motive ?
I believe they are motivated by their need to have power over another person.
303 narcissistic people disliked this video.
aha! love it!!! ( sorry, under my 8 year olds acount name! )
Its 356 narcissists now
But don’t forget, it’s someone else’s fault they didn’t like it.
@@lynnec3472 378 now!!! WOW! They don't even realize they out themselves! LOL !
🤣🤣🤣Right on then some more!
Arghh they’re so exhausting to deal with. Every conversation can and does go sour. Every. Single. Time.
Rightt, it's so fucking tiring
Word picking and eggshell walking the entire time
Exhausting for sure! Literally can’t sleep in the same room as them. Makes my skin crawl to be in the same room!
@Jaskiran true, so true
I call it word salad.
How to argue ? NEVER. just walk away , leave, divorce, and forget them.
I tried so hard before. don' t waste your life and health.
The best response I've found... Blank face, no emotion, combined with "I wonder why you feel that way."
It's like a tai chi move... They project their words, I dodge it, and their words go right back to the responsible party for them to deal with.
You get it. Dr. C
THE only way to deal with them
😂😂😂
"Blank face, no emotion" - They call that going Grey Rock.
Huaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Claim YOUR power back. Arguing FEEDS THE MONSTER! Say "I forgive you" and walk away. This pulls their plug! Buzz kill, they are disarmed. This says "I will not deal with you on these terms."
Retraining yourself retrains them. Everything begins and ends with YOU. What you tolerate you will live.
Namaste
@Brandon Taylor it is because women use feelings as a measure rather than logic, that right there will lead you down the wrong path every time
@@DannyBoyle-tp5vg you two must be single or in shitty relationships
Nailed it! They must have energy to feed on, they prefer their version of positive, but will take anything! Starve them out! Say "I'm sorry you're a Troubled Soul" and then STOP TALKING= drives them bonkers!!!!!
They will just say "I didn't do anything to be forgiven for!!!" Actually they will yell this at us.
I have argued my case with my narc. husband too many times. He gaslit me and I got realed in. I didn't know all of this then.
Sounds like too much like hard work emotionally being anywhere near a narcissist. Best to let them go.
Yes, it's a lot of work, and yes, many times it is better to move on. Dr. C
Some people can't or won't. But our "dial" gets set at a young age.
Yes totally.. but not easy for addictive people who love one
Yes very true but eventually loving a narcissist is a self harming situation and when we realise this it is up to us to rescue ourselves. In fact its not our responsibility to try to love a narcissist better and in some ways its arrogant of us to think we are the only ones who can change them.
I was saying the same thing
The conversation yesterday was, "For once in your God damn lifetime would you just listen to me?!" All I do is listen. There is no conversation. It is crazy. Great videos. Very helpful.
Nikki Soger projection lol
You may hopefully find that you may someday choose to limit conversations with a narc...
"For once give me some respect " thats all i heard out of his mouth
For some odd reason this person feel they must be noticed or important to others, and it is not really most likely, about 'you.' . They want' total' attention from everyone. The more you say, the more they can; use against you. ; Tearing another person down! Place White light around you, and ignore and get away if possible for a time, and try to somehow keep yourself in tact. If it gets to bad, let them know, you will speak with them, once they realize( 'Communication is a TWO WAY street.' No one person knows it all.'.) And then again just get away, if needed. Let them think about it. Do NOT talk anymore at all.. They want you to KEEP talking. Guess what they are saying is just " Their opinion'. There is always two, or normally. Maybe what they are saying is about themselves ,or even what they think of themselves deep down? So far down they cannot bring it up? They maybe grew up, hearing it?
I will reply "i dun listen to dummy, dummy", and then point a gun at his head and demand him to kneel.
Indeed, arguing with a narc is like trying to convince a wall that it is in your way.... They never listen, always talk over you, never change their mind and reject their guilt feelings on you because they don't want to take responsibility of their actions.
My mother was is a narcissist if you so much as attempted to argue with her over anything she'd call the cops. She used to call the cops from 4 years old onward and have them beat me up break down my door and throw me in a cell. So yeah you can't argue with them she'd claim she fears for her life. As the moment you'd start to so much as question her alone anything else. She'd claim she's the a victim and she can't handle the abuses your hurling at her. Then she'd go dial 911 and tell them she's afraid of her own son. Of course they automatically believe the parent also helps her considering one of her pals is the top detective where I grew up. As it was always his corrupted cronies who would show up. They were extremely sadistic and some of the most crooked cops I've ever encountered. She has many doctor connections as well in the family and otherwise. Not to mention several judges as flying monkey's.
Long story short you either obey and let her abuse you in every way under the sun. Or you get beaten and raped by some very dangerous cops or worse. Yes I've been raped by one of the cops that came once. I was also sent to a place that got closed down due to inhumane experiments being conducted. As she took me to doctors who were yes men for her to slap labels on me. Any doctor that so much as began to suspect she was the one with the problems not me. She'd pull the plug on and claim they are terribly incompetent. As quite a few of the doctors began to connect some of the dots. Siding with me over my narcissist mother instead. Realizing she has the issues not me and that all of the claims she'd levied were false. While I was in that place they subjected me to various infectious diseases as a human guinea pig. Cut my tongue, raped me and all sorts of inhumane experiments. The place was comparable to a modern concentration camp. Those 2 examples of what I was forced to endure wrongfully are fairly mild compared to most of it. That was back when I was just 7 years old everything I was subjected to fits the international definitions of crimes against humanity. Yet nobody cares the government to this day believes everything she's claimed in absolutes. As they have laws they believe can't ever be wrong period. After all the parent is treated as a living deity when it comes to children. We are utterly at the mercy of our parents.
Yet even those are not the worst of what I had to endure from my narcissistic mother. Unfortunately I'll never be able to live nor feel safe or remotely comfortable so long as I remain trapped in the USA...
@@user-gz4ve8mw9l thats terrible they put you through that.
Assume they look negatively on you when choosing how to interact with them. Bad going into this vulnerable. Protect your emotions, assets and access to family and long term friends that do ❤.
@@user-gz4ve8mw9l I am so sorry that happened to you. I am absolutely aggravated by that story, how hard that has had to all be
i need anxiety meds really badly but both of my parents are narcs and they keep gaslighting me into thinking i dont need them .they would help me tremendously.i have no idea how to convince them to get me meds insomnia ,panic attacks ,random headaches ,random back pain, feeling on edge for no reason, constant racing thoughts, etc is a pain to live with .i have enough
The narcassist wont stop until there is nothing left of you. No remorse! 👈
it's like they are distracting you,
they want to grind you to a dust point from being a stone
I think people are confusing the term with sociopathy.
A narcissist sucks donkey balls but is not as persistent as a sociopath.
@@pangometersen8834 what do you suck ?
Life suckers
@@florintanase9348 😂
Best solution is to accept how they are, just nod and have absolutely nothing to do with these people.
true
Totally agree
Yes, I think this is a good alternative strategy. Take it one step further and play them at their own game
Hard when it is your mother
Or your father... 😔
The narcissist currrently in my life will make accusations when in reality it is an announcement of something she has done
My Dad is a narcissist. He tells me everyday that everything is my fault and I never understood what he was talking about until I got older and realize how delusional they really are.
My dad too is a narcissist... Bombardment everyday since childhood to adulthood... And i am still fuck up mentally... Im always in a prison in my mind... By today i found this video and your comment to be very supportive... I will i was like a different person... I was mentally abuse by my dad that when i meet strangers i show great compassion
My father is one of them as well 😂🤣🤣🤷♂️🤷♂️ He is ready to collect millions of pounds for my head 🤣😂🤷♂️ He is a very competitive father that still behaves like a 38 year old man! 😜😜
How my mum deal with it? Well, at some point in her life with my dad she felt that something is off about him and she said she doesn't want this superficial lifestyle. But, since then nothing has change. So, she just forgive and forget due to the nature of the relationship. She has receive many more mind-games, gaslighting, and bombardment from my dad then me. The horrible truth is that now, she has some traits of his rubbish and I find that to be sad. At least i have conversations with her about it. Do you feel sorry for him? Well, i do feel sorry for him to have had receive damaging judgements by others when he was little to teenhood. But, i don't feel sorry for him to rise us up, his children with his rubbish. He doesn't know how damaging his way of bring up his children. I still remember that when i was little everything i did was wrong, now i understand that it was "double-standards" impose on me. As i grew up as a teen i notice that "He never own up to anything" and "He never apologizes for what he has done wrong". And these little things has the most impact on children. And another big incident that i recall now, when i was a teen 13 years old, our school was being rob constantly and the headmaster and the police don't know who's responsible. This when on for months. All the expensive items from students were stolen from all 3000 students. Then, i was there sitting in my classroom, i said to myself " i just want to make new friends in a new school. Why is it so difficult? and now the only person that was kind and talk to me was crying because she and other got their things stolen. Damn! " So, i made up my mind to stop this! I don't know whether i was being stupid or courages i don't know. And just like that i became an over-night double-agent. Then, lucky enough i found the gang leader and acted dumb to enter the gang. When, there was another plan robbery i pretended to steal and ended up scolded by the gang leader for being so dumb i did have anything stolen. Then, i finally met the real "Gang Leader" he was an adult and he didn't finish school and was throw out off school type. That was the only day that i didn't finish class to be around them. I was soo... Out of my confort zone. " i just have to remember that all of This must stop! It is wrong! They hurt innocent people! " When, i have gather all the information need i went straight to the headmaster hoping he will help me. They did. Then, they were happiness once more celebrated by the whole school. And i made many friends and enemies. Well, when my parents receive the news from the school they disown me, they didn't even want to hear the details. My parents said something that truely hurt me " Why are you so stupid! Why you mess with other people's bussiness! Are you that dumb! " Until now, i never forgotten that. I know that now is up to myself to handle the backslash by over protective parents that don't find any fault with their children that their will do good but misuse their parents power to do bad things to others, because my own parents won't even defend me curticy of my dad. That is why i don't feel sorry for him and his influcence on my mum. Now, im sad to say that most of my siblings has his gabbage instill in their heads. Including me as well, but as im aware of it now i am trying to reset my mind and throw his gabbage out. Same goes for my siblings i am now informing them too. Thank you.
Anyone ever notice that these type of people never go after the strong and confident, but more often, after those who are kind and caring? there must be something in kind and caring people that really triggers them. Maybe it's the lack of those qualities in them that makes them jealous. You just don't see narcs belittling very successful, confident people. I think they would be scared to try.
Coaljet Scared is really what a narcissist is underneath all that tough mentality! These ppl know exactly who to pick on just like a bully does. My ex called me one day and said put ur big girls panties on when u get back home so I called the police dept and they escorted me home only to see him squirm like a punk being all nice and scared really, boy they have no balls when it really comes down to it!! And that’s how he was also escorted out of my house!! Whew!!
@miss s You've flushed out a narcisst in the comment section. They tell on themselves.
They definitely look for caregivers.
Mine underestimated me because i was in an abuse shelter(homeless and had delt with abuse prior)though he knew me prior..he saw the small factors and not the big ones...im stronger than he realized..i scream strong 💪
They aren’t jealous, they don’t even think that way. They’re flawless, faultless, grandiose. How could they be jealous of anybody. Pfft! Everyone is supply, just supply. They lack empathy. A small statement with gigantic meaning.
This video has been one of the most helpful things I've ever experienced in my life. Thank you so much for this.
My father is a narcissist. I don’t talk to him anymore, party because of religious beliefs but the other part is that he’s a terrible person. He was always emotionally blackmailing me by saying that because of my religion, I didn’t love him anymore and had no thinking capability, was brainwashed, etc. when in reality I learned what he was saying was wrong, and that he only wanted me to do what he wanted to do. I was having none of that.
I've learned to remove myself emotionally. I know I cannot have a normal conversation. Any comment I make he turns it on me and it becomes a ridiculous argument. So I've learned to just walk away. I don't care anymore, my kids are raised. I don't need his approval or constant attention. He's my second narcissist. I divorced my first narcissist after 22 years. I don't know why I attract them, but I do. Thanks to TH-cams I am now know what narcissism is. When I talk to him he looks bored, doesn't even look at me, totally ignores what I'm saying. If he talks to me and I respond he turns it into an argument. I have learned to respond with, okay, oh, you're right and I walk away. Sometimes I do get drawn into it and then I could kick myself for falling into the trap. I am an excellent debater and I don't allow him to walk over me, but he doesn't reason like an adult when he's having a temper tantrum, he says stupid things. I realize it's not worth having a heated discussion with someone who can't have a normal discussion in an adult manner. Of course I'm the only one who gets to see this wonderful side of him. Out in the world everyone thinks he's a great guy! I refuse to be his victim. He will never see me cry again. The last time I cried he laughed at me and went, oh boo hoo. That's when I decided to take control of my emotions and not allow this cruel person to make me feel bad ever again. Having a superficial relationship works perfect living with a narcissist.
I can relate! :(
Me too. I’m sorry. :(
When you said he "oh boo hoo" when you last cried in front of him, reminded me that when I last cried in front of mine he told me to just go kill myself. I said I'd NEVER let him see me vulnerable like that again and I haven't.
Thanks for the long explanation...same situation as me ..the 1st husband an overt narc. . anti social personality ,.reckless, macho , only wanted to beat the system..sadly it took me 23 years to get the hell out because of our 3 kids.
No2 is a vulnerable narc...totally opposite.. a pussy cat compared to
No 1....but after 16.5 years of marriage, I may live out my days under his roof ...and the house goes to my stepsons! ....
I have to contest this on my own!!
Narcs use and abuse ...DO NOT LIVE OTHER PEOPLE'S DREAMS ..do not live on empty promises!.....get your house in order before you trust your future happiness to these reptiles....blood is thicker than water....I am 66 years of age and still learning ...take heed lovely people out there ! Bless you all !!
My narcissist feeds on emotional responses when she tries to pick an argument.
So I use cold, hard logic in a calm, confident tone of voice.
Takes the wind right out of her sails and she leaves the conversation knowing she's not getting the desired effect.
I've asked her why she walked away if what she had to say was so important, but all I get is the silent treatment. The sound of a difused narcissist.
Silence is just another punishment of theirs. Still can't be held accountable.
Libra Hoshino 🙋♀️ dame here. Had to learn to reply with indifference. She hated it and now she doesn’t do her crazy act as much. When she does, I just neutralize and shrug 🤷♀️ my shoulders. Works 99% of the time.
The past seven months have been mind-boggling for me. I kept wondering what’s happening here, it was like I was in a whirlwind of confusion with my ex. I couldn’t understand what was going on and why there was so much turmoil between us all the time because I’m a very easy-going person, every time I watch a video I get clarity.
Good that you got out, narcissists turn easygoing people into anxious people with enough time 😪
Sounds like "word salad".
Doesn't matter what voice I use my parents instantly say I'm yelling at them even when I'm not. It's bizarre.
I deal with this with my wife. I’ve tried approaching many situations in many ways but I’m always accused of yelling at her. After watching some of these videos I’m starting to get it. She basically doesn’t want to hear that she’s wrong and never could be. Glad I found these , it explains a lot
Same here. I've purposely started a conversation with my husband many times with a super calm tone, but, if its a topic he does not want to discuss, he says I'm yelling or nagging. 🤷♀️
Yes!!! Same here. I come calm and quiet and my husband says I verbally assaulted him, yelled and being disrespectful. I recorded the conversation when I approached him just so I can go back and listen. Not one time did my voice rise. So I am now convinced he doesn't care to listen nor understand. Especially when he is wrong.
@@bren-xmotorsports55 give her the D.
D for divorce.(if possible.)
It’s their way of blameshifting and playing victim
The funny thing about Narcissists is if they watch this video they will completely agree with you about how they feel about that other person. Because they have no sense of empathy, self-reflection or themselves. I deeply feel sorry for them whilst understanding the danger of being around them.
They are truly what cavemen made monsters of!
I'm married to a covert narcissist. I didn't realize how nasty he was until his mask slipped completely off about 2 years ago. It was sad for me when I realized I was just supply, and that he is a fake person.
Almost a year later I hope you have found your way out of that toxic relationship. You’re worth it. Your life is yours to live. Not for someone else to abuse and manipulate to their own end.
Me too
💔
Did you get out? I’m trying and once I tried taking control by filing for divorce, things escalated beyond what I could ever possibly imagine. I’m living in hell.
I’m married 43 yrs. to a passive-aggressive narcissist. I found that out 6 years ago after years of trickery & games. I’m disabled now & my options are limited but my advice to reasonably healthy people....get out now or start working on financial & emotional plan & a network of friends ( if you were allowed), who will support you however be prepared because this will make it clear who your friends really are then walk away & rebuild a healthy life.
This would've saved my life nine years ago. Brilliant stuff
Are you dead?
You re saved.
Thank you for this( have a narcissistic husband) always wondered how to talk without a fight but he twists it to me that I started the fight 😢
9 years? Are you okay? I think I’ll die if I ever go for 2 years, thank God I found out his true colors in 1 year. I was miserable and so unhappy
How to argue with a narcissist? ... DON'T!!! Walk away, run away. No contact is the only way to survive a narcissist.
7 years of my life.. rinsing repeating.. on everything from religious differences to money to whether or not I "really loved her". if you are dating some one who treats you this way... DO NOT marry them. Even if you truly love them. You will try to please them by going down their one way street.. and neglecting your own journey.
Omg. I did all wrong for so many years. Why I didn't find you 20 yrs ago?. I feel like I lost my life. It took me 20 yrs to find out that I was with narrcistic person. I went through a lot and couldn't figured out what was wrong. I was blemed for everything, never did anything right and always put down. There was time when I was thinking to commit suicide. Everytime he hurt my feelings he tried to be nice until next time I was hurt. I can write a book. So sad I wasted so many years. Thank you for your videos they are great and very helpful.
Hana Spy don’t focus on the “wasted” time. Focus on the blessing you’ve been granted NOW rather than later. What happened has already happened and it could not have happened any other way, Hana. I hope your life gets better as we all deserve it! Don’t get caught up in that conditioned depressing thinking as most of us do. Catch yourself when you’re going down towards depression and move away from it. I’m working on a video on depression as I’m pulling myself out of it now but wish you the best on your journey! :)
-Gabriel From TNA
it is usually the partner of a narc that ends up in therapy
I’ve only just realised about the narc in my life. Years of undermining my confidence and ridicule in social situations. I’m a strong person and even so it took me too long to realise. Now that person is disarmed as I am learning how to deal with the situation. It isn’t always possible to have no contact so it’s imperative to learn how their mind works and keep your sanity and sense of humour
@@6anonymous9. 😂😂😂 Wow, you made me laugh. It was much needed, thank you! ❤
Take it from someone who tried to take their own life because of a monstrous father...There is still hope, the fight is not over, do NOT give up! Take your pain and suffering and own it, use it to become stronger, wiser and more compassionate. It's up to us how we deal with torment... We either let it consume us, or we use it to mold ourselves and evolve into a better human being. The more you focus on the negative the more you lose sight of all your gifts , dreams and eventually you think you're not worth to be treated like a human being. Do not absorb their negative shit, have faith in yourself! Humans are selfish and destructive, but animals always respond and reciprocate love and kindness when it's given to them, so if you have pets, focus on them. I know for a fact, my dogs have saved my life and sanity, time and time again! Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best, sweetie! ❤
I used to until recently. I thought it was that I wasn't communicating my needs clear enough, and if I could only learn how to, things would be solved. But I finally get it, they will NEVER get it. There is no point in arguing with them unless you enjoy punishing yourself.
Giggles & Jiggles damn. Yeah... I feel called out haha. I always feel like maybe if I said it this way or that way that maybe they will understand where I’m coming from but it doesn’t ever work
Giggles & Jiggles you can’t reason with a self centered A hole
Giggles & Jiggles 😱
💫you’re absolutely right.
I've come to realize that my biggest stumbling block to accepting the truth about my partner, is that I can't believe that the person who says they love me, married me, and had a child with me, thinks so little of me. it's been a really, really tough pill to swallow. My choice is to either accept it, or keep trying to "explain" myself to someone that seems to delight in staying aloof to my suffering.
Well said. Good luck to you ☺
Because you're thinking like a caring, compassionate person. Just keep in mind how that person thinks about you is NOT a reflection of who you are.
This is the text I got a few days ago from my narc of 13 years (🤦🏻♀️🔫).
“I hate what your putting my kids through. I hate that I moved to Oklahoma for you. I hate that I ever wasted half my life with you.”
Yeaaaa ok well I guess that’s my cue! ✌🏻asshole
I feel exactly the same.
Erin Marquis that response isn't necessarily narcissistic. lt could be a healthy response in the midst of family breakdown or grief.
Even before you were in a relationship he/she already had planned and devised a plan to destroy and use you for his/her personal benefit
Sad but true. Dr. C
Dtella55 Your statement iS MIND-BLOWING....that after almost 40 years I find out they never married me for love, but for their benefit? I struggle accepting that. I have been silence treated for months on end. Of course not physical contact. And vented on, never reasoned with or listened to...SO VERY frustrating to live with my spouse. I just retired and I am moving out to avoid going further into a crippling depression. I am reading all I can on narcissism and abuse. I have been in crazy denial all these years, while others have known all along. I just could not see what I could not understand, have an explanation for, or worst yet-wasn’t ready to see. Dr. Carter is God sent.
Indeed,they are extremely calculating.
Dtella55 ABSOLUTELY. Emily Liberty
Twotummytickles Pat yourself on the back for being ready to see it now. Good luck on your healing journey 🍀
The only thing that will fix them is knocking their teeth out. There is no way to deal with a narc, the only way is leave them.
There have been tremendeous pain and resentment because of their nonsene arguments and behaviour that I have thought about it. But they will use it against u.They don’t have conversation they collect useful info to use as ammo to shoot u with later if they feel the need to. So just take a step back and turn around and walk away. And never look back. No point in arguing with crazy people like them.
heavy psychedelic trips have been known to greatly reduce NPD. it did for me i can vouch 100%
The narc in my life is so used to defeating etc that when I do actually stand up to him and tell him I will knock the living shit out of him (after he spit on me ) he immediately cowers and runs because he is a true coward and can’t handle his “supply” standing up for themselves
Even if you do believe in yourself, being with them for any amount of time depletes self confidence. Then you find yourself watching videos, wishing you knew this information before you met them, or as a kid dealing with parents.
Absolutely..
You cant lose confidence with them if you just meet them now and then