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Narcissistic relationships and passive aggressive PD
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Has anyone else been called passive aggressive by a toxic person when you have really just been silenced by their incapability to hear the word “no”?
When you call them out for their hypocrisy,they often resort to ad hominem attacks to assassinate you credibility .
Yeah! Hahahaha I applied no contact which made her more upset and suddenly I'm the abusive, crazy one 😹 lmao they always do that when you set boundaries
Nothing is settled, we're left to stew and they only add more toxins to it all, yay! Drunk, mine poked me in the breasts (yes we were clothed standing in the kitchen) Why? Why did you do that? Stoned walled by male pre-marriage counselor about that decades ago I finally *just* figured it out, man-boy was bored! Of course it always bothered me to be with someone who'd do that, imagine, so glad I figured it out and it's oh so so all in the timing, just brought it up during last blow-up due to his thoughtless immaturity (what a surprise), all worth it my torment, believe me! They throw distortions at us, we counter with proofs. I had an older bud who developed a crippling disease, still she gave her man of many years the heave-hoo much to the chagrin of her family, because, he would not do the simple task of rinsing out a glass of milk when put in the sink!
Projection is a bitch.
Mines name is Elaine! Lol
Yes 😫🙄😭😩
I went from shock that a grown man would respond like a child, to disappointment and exhaustion. After I passed the disgusted phase I became indifferent. Every interaction followed the same script and I accepted there would never be any progress. That's when I left.
Bravo! Me too but I stayed too long in disgusted phase and became paralyzed. He had an affair which broke the ice for me to take care of myself and divorce him.
It's regress, we remember the good days to this? They want marriage and then expect us to disappear and return at *their* convenience 🏪 like a 7/11!
@@angelicamaster7764 mine's having an affair but it's with a soccer ball, a huge TV (I can't watch it) and expects orgasms from his food (😝)....... Luckily does all 3 well on his own, lots of practicing!
Same here, married a 58 year old boy man that discussed me and my 14 year old son. Left the day my son stood up and said, how old are you anyway???? Thats when this angry huge toddler went after my son and slapped him and then denied it. Broke my heart but we left and have no contact, now in therapy to recover from our 7 years of hell on earth.
@@joseenoel8093 haha ! Like your post !
It’s a friggin nightmare and extremely depressing living with a Narc and passive agresssive behavior
Preach ✔🎯
How about working with one? 😠
Last Summer he'd said we'd live together, sometime..
Then he started telling me the "rules I'd have to follow"...to live with him.
No thanks, Mr. Passive aggressive.
At least once a day, he texts. "You can't tell me what to do".....
@@suzanne4396 I had rules too, which I followed (I was an naive 22 yr old)I was praised in public and silence at home Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I didn’t understand the behavior.I wish I had Dr. Ramani all those years ago
@@noracharles9366 p0pp
After 29 years of marriage to a husband who was a poster child for this negative narcissism -- to the point that my life energy had burned down to a tiny ember -- one day when he was fuming about telling somebody ELSE off, I had a very calm thought, "I don't want to be around you anymore." That was the beginning of liberation and healing for me after many L-O-N-G terrible years...
im sorry, 29 must have been hell. I did it for 4 years and it left me completely exhausted. There should really be an award for narcissistic survivors or something.
25 years in and no surviving thriving out in sight and those are key words I don’t want to be homeless
I asked my bud when was the last straw, she replied when she could no longer stand looking at him! The silence treatment seems to work as talking certainly didn't!
Go Barbara!! It'll take a while to settle into the new freedom, but it gets easier and you'll be all the stronger for it.
Don't know whether to laugh or cry
My 54 year old son recently stopped a subscription on the New Yorker magazine which he earlier gave me as a gift, he also didn't contact me on Mother's day,
Why?
Because I asked him why he never asks about how I'm doing or never really seems interested in what's going on in My life,
Dr Ramani you just told me.
I feel sad and disappointed but also relieved,
Knowledge is power but now I know who I'm dealing with and I can decide what measures to take.
“45 year old boy-man” gave me a laugh this morning, despite the unpleasantness of the subject
Me too, I actually laughed out loud because my ex was exactly 45. I marvel at having a sense of humor after the evil he put me through when I started setting boundaries
It’s exhausting trying to get them in a good mood so they don’t ruin everyone’s day. Not just yours. You find yourself constantly catering. Prepare to be punished if they don’t get their way.
The moodiness and alcohol abuse is embarrassing. We stopped going to family gatherings or visiting friends because of his behavior. He hated most people and sulked with his wine, sat alone while everyone else enjoyed the event. It was better to just isolate. The nightmare became too much for me.
I went out with mine *alot* there always seemed to be money for that but coming home to chores put me on edge and it was starting to get a bit long the whole ordeal. So he drives back drunk, I've even called the cops on him to no avail, I've warned the neighbours, told him to only kill himself!
If it’s a spouse, stop owning their emotions and actions- if they admit they are not happy and won’t do anything about it. Then leave if you have to. A parent, well limit contact. I do get a little frustrated with my spouse is never happy complaint. People who choose to stay in the death by a thousand cuts dynamic are not happy either. Get out stay out. They probably would leave but don’t have the courage.
Once we were to celebrate an important date and i prepared all the house decorations like month before. He asked me to make one particular cake that i havent made for a long time. So when the day came, first thing he said was - just don't ruin this day. Just make a nice dinner, cake and lets celebrate as a family. I still had toddler to take care of and he has a day routine. Sometimes he can be difficult, sometimes he's ok, but this day he was difficult, didn't want to eat didn't want to get dressed, change nappy.. I got very frustrated and of course it reflected on my tone of voice when i spoke to my husband. This triggered him and he said: i can see you are in your mood now, you're gonna ruin this day! You're gonna make drama, youre not gonna make anything! Then i got defensife (my mistake) and tried to calm him down. He kept insisting on those things that "are going to happen" and didn't stop until i just couldn't take it and gave in. Then he went to his room to sulk. I went to him 2x to make up and 3rd time was at lunch time, after i made the cake and food. He didn't talk to me and said its too late, that i did ruin the day after all and he said to leave him alone. Our son was calling him, he didn't care. He said the day is almost over and it's too late to make up (???) he said its all on him, he has to organize everything and I'm on back seet happy for him to drive.. All the things that doesn't seem to be true.. It was awful and he didn't realise that it was him who spoiled it all. He rejected making up 4x that day. I thought i will go insane. He blamed me for losing my plot and said im the one who has issues.
EXACTLY - my father - my first husband and my last husband - always creeping around - and not daring to say no because of the consequences.
Passive aggressive people, narcissists or not, are the most aggravating, sneaky people
True.
@Sara Fox Exactly
Vindictive as well !
@@matilda1505 extremely vindictive
yes--so ugly
YES! YES! I always told him he was acting like a rebellious teenager. "I want to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and I don't want to have to explain it to anyone."
Omg how they'll whip out the door given half the chance/shopping for what they desire (I'll say to men only buying beer, bet your wife wants something!) and... someone visits out of town or kids asks where they are and *you're* the one back peddling.... trying to minimize how stupid *you* look!
The worse part for me was that my ex never rebelled against his parents, he saved it all for me. he didn't say boo to them. I waited fifteen years for him to grow out of it before I finally just left.
Yes I tell my narcissistic husband of 36 yrs that he is like a 2 yr old bully having tantrums!
Been there and boy did I ever pay for that one. They have memories like an elephant for situations like this of course they never remember what led up to it and they twist it all around. But you will never stop hearing that they think you like everybody better than them and you it goes on and on until the never.
Oh my God, I'm having flashbacks to when I was a newlywed. My husband (in his mid-thirties) and I were up in a little town in New Brunswick and we were gonna go out on a whale watch. We were going down the main street of town with five minutes to get to the pier and I said, 'we have to hurry.' He threw himself down on a bench with his arms crossed and said, 'I'm not gonna hurry.' Exactly like a spoiled two-year-old. I was absolute flabbergasted. He wouldn't budge. Needless to say we missed the boat. And looking back, to think, I actually questioned myself. Was I being too bossy, am I being controlling? I lived through 15 years of that, on nearly a daily basis.
This is the perfect description of my boy-man narc, after 7 years of marriage. Im now no-contact and filed for divorce! Hallelujah!!!
It's been my experience that the narcissist's passive-aggressiveness always amps up during the holidays and other special occasions.
It's like they love to watch you go from a celebratory high to feeling confused, depressed and devastated by covertly ruining the day for their targets. They take great joy in watching the joy drain from your face.
So sad and so true...
You nailed it again Dr. Ramani!
This is my covert Narcissist husband of 40 years...and yes I'm at the disgusting phase. Passed exhaustion years ago. Financially, I have to stay.
It is beyond a nightmare.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Elizabeth
Same place, FOR NOW! There is hope!
Divorce his ass
@@ernest7420 😂
Divorce him, get settlement agreement and move on. It’s hard to do but when you do, you will feel the bliss of freedom from your paralysis of disgust. It’s hurting your body and mind to stay.
Lots of time divorcing is not an option 😒😕
Narcissists never reach their goals without lying, cheating, stealing and gaining off the misery of others; so for those of us who brood over narcissists unearned success, that's just a logical response. Narcissist are always successful in living off the misery of others and they always want people to celebrate their ill-gotten or unearned success and call you a narc for not kissing their ass.
Nailed it. Thanks. Blackmailing too.
Yeah, blackmailing is another one of their infamous tricks, along with blacklisting.
This channel has opened my eyes tremendously, as well as aided in my healing. I was stuck in a situation, where I didn't know what the hell was going on.....it was awful and depleting. I became a shell of myself. I was using terms describing my situation like "jekyll and hyde"...not knowing what narcissist abuse really was...specifically covert. It was super confusing and a total mind f***. THANK YOU for providing this content/education. I watch every. single. day.
It's as if, oops there we go feeling miserable and wanting to put a bag over our heads should we venture outside but oops again, low and behold we're just plain *happy*!
You could not have said it better i watch daily and mine is a malignant narcissist
Plenty of passive aggressive people are also narcissistic. Passive aggressive people have a lot of entitlement about how other people are supposed to behave and they try to bring them in line with more subtle type psycho-manipulation.
Lived 32 years with this pouting behavior. Must admit, there were times I welcomed the silence but mostly it disgusted me knowing I wasn’t looking at a adult. 🤦♀️
Leave them alone in their misery is like punishing a toddler by forcing them to stay in a soiled diaper, poor babies, that's no fun!
Passive aggressive type was my greatest challenge. They initially presented as a victim which was deceiving. I felt so irritated by their entitle victimhood .
Yes, I’ve fallen for the endless victimhood a least a few times too. 🙂
Researching Passive/Aggressive personalities is how I stumbled upon the concept of Narcissism in 2015. I’d lived with problematic personalities in my midst my entire life, but I never knew what to call them or how to describe/define them, nor did I really understand that it was them and not me. Once I did, however, the floodgates of awareness opened.
Watch Sam Vaknin he has helped me immensely
@ Shiny Side up... Those feelings have crossed my mind. Although some of the nuggets that Dr. Ramani give us really help, what I feel like I can identify with you is the terminology. I felt that way growing up but I lacked the knowledge to put the puzzle together. Knowing this instinctively is one thing but piecing it together is healing. I wish you goodness and healing, just know that you are not alone. Oh those floodgates of awareness are awesome!🤔❤️
@@elanahammer1076 Thank you, it is helpful knowing my experiences have been similarly observed by others. Best wishes for peace to you.
@Abc Def Yes, I believe you are right. Peace to you.
@@karenlee118 Yes, his videos are enlightening, aren’t they? Peace to you.
i realized every little project or engagement my narcissistic parents had a part in would be sabotaged one way or another. Basically they’ll do and say the most vile and insidious things and then pretend to be the victim. Almost anything would go wrong or be ruined by their suppressed rage and self hatred at one point or another, it’s very tiring to be around passive aggressive people.
I was in a relationship for 13 years and I couldn't even ask him to shut the door because of wasps coming in.
Mine would literally mimic me if I said stop he would say stop too!!
I was floored by your videos. It was as you knew Exactly what I lived like.
Yes! So accurate. Never heard my life described before. It has given me a huge shock. I am done with it.
I've known a few people who did the same damn thing to me. Adults! Adults behave this way.
Well, physically they're adults... mentally, socially and emotionally they're like 4.
Mine is sabotaging every day in that manner. He leaves gate open where my dogs can get hit by a car, leaves doors standing wide open or tries to break them off the hinges..destroyed our home inside, our vehicles ect. A madman out of control. Temper tantrums unlike anything you've seen. Baby 👶 stuck in a man's body
@@tunesvideos6708 im so sorry I hope you can keep safe and your dogs too that would be my breaking point.
I get it i literally just left mine and I know I need to go get some help too.
He did a number on me i know yours is too.
Omg my life rn 😣
My ex was so passive aggressive it made me feel unbalanced and hysterical, then I could be accused of being overly sensitive and highly strung! He used to get his own back if I asked for help in many ways but one that comes to mind is when our son was little and in day nursery as we were both working, I discovered he was getting home a couple of hours earlier than me but not doing anything to help i.e. I was shopping, cleaning and cooking in addition to working and taking our son to nursery and collecting him too. I asked my ex to collect our son from nursery if he came home early, so, from time to time he did but he wouldn’t text me to say he had so I would go to nursery only to discover that our son had been collected! Infuriating or what, he made me crazy! The best thing I have ever done for my sanity was divorce him!
I did the same as you, and he did the same as your ex, for over 6 years until I left and filed for divorce also. We were together for 8 years before starting a family. It was like having an extra child in the house, but the adult was behaving more like a disgruntled teen that was feeling 'put out' over asking to help. I paid all the bills and took care of everything except the yardwork.
Yes thats exactly what they do - I thank Dr. Ramani most of all for getting out of this lifelong hell. First my father, siblings and then three husbands - I always knew something was totally wrong - and read book after book without finding answers. Thanks so much to Dr. Ramani and all you that comment. It is REAL it is not our fault.
Chronic brooding anger 🥊🤺👊
I have a narcissistic mother, who was very angry and and victimized too.. As a result I became passive aggressive myself..
And it is specially difficult to establish boundaries when the narcissist was your mom.. I gave it up.. And hardly got them back..
Husband is so passive aggressive .. instead of telling my almost deaf mom the tv is a bit loud .. he shuts the power off in the house for an hour .. he's 64 😵💫
I feel you. Mine is as fuck up as yours.
Headphone for granny?
@@andreamagyar5541 no girl, this man has to put his selfish ass somewhere else and let granny be..
Oh boy, it's like no room for error and anything gone wrong it *obviously due* to the fact we're out to sabotage them from sun up to sun down, as if we've nothing else on our minds.....
Yikes. Thank God he’s not a foreign diplomat: bye bye world!
The constant complaining. The refusal to do even the smallest thing without letting out the loudest sigh possible. The complete inability to enjoy ANYTHING. Watching many of Dr. Ramani's videos has given clarity to so much of what I'm living with that I find myself actually laughing inside at the ridiculousness of the behavior when the passive aggressive complaint show starts.
Such babies, we should be able to put pacifiers in their mouths to cut down on their swearing because they're having a difficult time about something!
I am so glad I am not the only one laughing
@@bahle20 I was actually proud of myself when I first reacted that way. It surprised me that I was amused instead of annoyed. Being able to identify the behavior for what it was somehow freed me from the frustration of it. Not all the time, unfortunately, but frequently now. It's made it easier to disengage.
You have taught me so much, I just assumed my narcistic mother was mentally ill. Since I now have a name & an understanding of what a personality disorder is, I am learning 2 stop personalizing the abuse, & protect myself from this terrible lifelong relationship. She will never stop, I'm the 1 who must put a stop 2 this relentless disfunction. Not easy but self-preservation is a must!! Thank you again ❤
Being in a relationship with someone who is this way is extremely difficult and draining! Thank you for sharing all of your amazing knowledge with us it makes it so much easier to avoid them or grey rock them from the start. Your amazing Doc!
70 year old Boy-man!! I have always said he is an angry toddler. Emptying the dishwasher or any chores is a constant brooding rage contest.
That Boy man never does anything directly but that sullen sad boy man
is always the victim. I am finally totally past the exhausted and disgusted phase! It's like a terrible nightmare you just can't wake up from. My mother has to deal with this every day
Yes the covrt narc is boy_man and angry toddler always.
Thank goodness they can crap on their own, surely the wipe would be endlessly criticized!
I hope you find a way to escape and enjoy your wonderful life. It take every ounce of courage to leave these abusers but you deserve to be happy too.
@@joseenoel8093 Eeeeeuw. I wouldn't even consider it. 😁
My poor mom is a slave to my dad, does nothing but sit on his ass AND complain while she serves him hand and foot, catering to his every whim, she's 70 he's 73, when will she have her day of freedom? When she was young he abused her in every way, I don't understand why she stays with him. He's so dependent on her I don't think he'd be able to live alone.
" brooding rage" like a volcano. Its difficult. I have stated to them now, I refuse to just sit in my head with depression and total negativity. I've got to follow through and grow.
Good for you! Honestly- not a passive aggressive comment. Ha. I did this too. Of course, be prepared. They will use that against you. “You are a negative chronic depressive, you are the problem, not me” get out stay out. If you can.
Thank you dr Ramani, you have opened my eyes. My family of origin is like this, and slowly have been consuming my energy for decades. I can’t even describe how much this leaves you a shell, a ghost of yourself, completely isolated and with so many chronic pains and health conditions. I’m trying my best to rebuild my life. My work has been great, meeting new people is hard but I won’t give up. To anyone that has been through a similar experience; you are worthy of healthy, mutually respectful and supportive relationships that nourish you, not exhaust you! Big hugs 🤗
People who play devils advocate all the time I stay far far away from. They are highly negative and exhausting. THE DEVIL DOEST NEED ADVOCATES!!!!
Indeed!
We all know when Narcissistic people create illusions, throw it back in my face, and cannot admit to their part, it is worse when I'm already hearing impaired, their silence is deafening for their own purpose, it's truly a sad loss on their part they have no ability to hear and are tone-deaf and will miss the kind loving women I am that helped make the children and grandchildren who they are. I have earned at least that much credit to myself. The end becomes a new beginning in awareness matters and is key to how I survive and move forward. Finding an ability where I can function well with or without a hearing aids, is up to me since they show no sign of respect or dignity. I cannot be more straightforward than that. Thank you for my healing Dr. Ramini.
Dr. Ramani hit the nail on the head! My husband is this type to a T! It's like living with a toddler but worse because a child can be sent to their room or have a time out to adjust their attitude and behavior.
Woke up with a tantrum brewing, drank my coffee, and got in the tub. Have your fit but I’m not a participant!🪨🪨🪨🪨🪨
Until I found this channel, I spent countless nights for the better part of a year searching the internet for what was wrong with my partner. This channel literally pulled the mask off of my covert narc. Thank you for saving my life!
"Unrealized grandiosity." Boy, that describes an aging narcissistic personality to a tee.
👏🏽
AGREED
"Some day when you're older, you'll turn around and see the truth!" was one of the few totally honest things our family narc ever said.
I'm sure the irony wasn't obvious then, and it would be funny if it hadn't turned out the way it did.
Stay Strong 💪
That is my soon-to-be ex: has all these big ideas but had absolutely NO discipline to achieve said goals, prone to bucking rules, constantly pushing or over running boundaries, both personally and professionally. Hot mess and not conducive to a healthy marriage relationship. SEPARATION has been LIFE SAVING and divorce (although sad and disappointing) will be the final severed tie that will set me free to hit my “reset button”.
Never wanted a life filled with chaos and merry-go-round disorder. Thought we could grow past all that youthful foolishness. Silly me . . . .A narc knows no other way to live, sadly. Chaos is the thread that they weave through all fabric in their lives. Madness.
Ask them to help with something like cleaning the house and they'll just make the whole process so exhausting that you wouldn't be bothered to ask them again "you didn't tell me how to do ...", "you didn't remind me", "you didn't tell me what tasks to do".
The emotional burden from having to deal with their blame game, and pretense (of having to be walked through every thing for example, when they FULLY KNOW HOW TO THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING IN IT FOR THEM) is just so overwhelmingly exhausting.
Omg yes.. in the end I did ALL the chores on my own (even the more "manly" ones) because I didn't want to ask my narc ex to help anymore due to his behaviour..
The day I left I wished him all the best doing all those chores, that he hated so much, all on his own, while working 40 hours a week..
That was the only "revenge" I had after such a crazy relationship
Or scream how busy they are slam the door and drive off having made the mess in the first place
Any know Annie Lennox song 🎶"Would I lie to you, aaaah honey now would I say... Watch me walkey, I've cleaned the floor 🎶, I no longer bother with the man cave, he actually had gone to soccer, through his sweaty wet stuff, boots too, as it rained into a plastic bag, left it in the bag on the basement floor and flew off for his vacay (I don't always go) and then, after cat pee pee fights were happening I discovered it gross! Well just one cat now and she'd not been the one squirting anyway!
Isn't lovely though and super considerate how they'll blare the TV, leave the room, house, only not to have shut it off, we've only to be glued to the idiot box like them to grow immune to it!
No more ‘..asking for help’, divide the tasks, negotiate who will do what. Then DO it! I DON’T WANT A HELPER!
Exhaustion is exactly how I still feels a year after my relationship with a covert. The relationship was pure exhaustion. Specially when we were in social gathering. We each have a daughter and when his daughter would come over I always said it felt like I had three kids in the house. Thank you thank you thank you Dr Ramani for bringing such healing, sanity and the closure that I needed through this priceless channel!! 🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️
It was a nightmare living day to day with this for years. Days of silence over silly things. Not worth it.
This is how my father is! Thank you as I never knew what was up with him until I watched your videos.
I'm definitely the 29 year old covert narcissist. The staying on the past and the unrealized (but kind of always have known) grandiose. So argumentative and always on the prowl for an argument. I am finally solidifying the recent and not so recent observations that something was not all there for me. Turning from sweet and loving to cold and even vengeful. Having a surface charm that could easily be broken and suddenly I am leaving or reacting so incredibly wreckfull [towards myself] and lack of care. Wow...just wow. I am here for change.
I agree wholeheartedly what does help look like and where does it begin
Please dear GOD do NOT HAVE CHILDREN!
It’s so hard to learn and recognize and correct passive aggression/passive aggressive patterns of communication-in ourselves!
Excellent video! Describes my experiences to a t. So reaffirming and strengthening.
Over the years I’ve moved from rescuing and doing everything possible to make him happy and satisfied to confusion, anger, disgust and now compleat indifference with an occasional spike of anger at myself for my stupidity. Thank you!
I sincerely hope one day you will be able to see the faces of all the people you’ve helped.
Not only is it frighteningly accurate to hear this but then to read your post which is my last 37 years exactly makes me feel so weak and pathetic. Desperately trying to toughen up and do something!
Heidi martin - wouldn't it really be spectacular for Dr ramani to be able to "see" the faces of ALL the people that she has helped.
Today's word is *Boy-Man* still at 65, omg 😲 just said to him, last blow-up "Wasn't it bad enough needing to pull our son kicking and screaming out of his childhood I've got to do it to you!" Yes feeling exhausted, its post gets moved too! 😘
@Mary Carroll ah no kidding, I tell mine "Shall I breast feed you?"
I've been saying these things for yearsssss! Nice to finally hear someone with authority on the matter say it!
Yes!!! A student of mine passed away and I went to his memorial service. My ex (yes, we were married at that time) showed up and displayed a PAINFUL face for all to see. He was not grieving for my student. He put his aura out so he could, well, just he miserable and to ensure everyone saw his misery. So disappointing.
Damn, it’s like he was mocking you. “Ex” means you won in the long-run.
The passive aggressiveness is catchy. I would then do the silent treatment for payback. Then apologize. It is a sick pattern.
Good for your for being self aware. :)
if someone acts passive aggressive i pretend i don’t see why the person is upset. i’ve given up acknowledgment of it because in the past when i’ve addressed it the person will say ‘no there isn’t a problem at all’ even when ik they’re lying.
@@reylime2991 -
Yes, even though it's tougher to pull off, ime, being non-reactive works better and more often.
Shutting them down just postpones their negativity, but being non-reactive seems to put them in the middle of a segue of their own making. And since they can't admit actions = consequences, it can put them back in their own head for a while.
Good luck on your journey.
At least you are self aware! That’s cool! There are some internet trolls or trouble makers on here but it doesn’t sound like you are one of them!🤔❤️
I asked today for some silent treatment 😁😆. Way better than ear busting screaming and tearing up my things and destroying my house.
Grumbling under their breath! At everything and everyone... Yes!
Wow the egg shell walking was EXHAUSTING. I am so much happier on my own. Lonely at times, yes, I made a list of the tools I can resort to. Cause for me if I had waited till I was in it I can't think straight. So the list on my fridge works for me. I get it and follow the tools I have written out. My lovely beautiful daughter Ashley is more in my life since I left him. 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
👏 congrats on Ashley hon, my daughter Sophie is 25 and brings me to life!
@@joseenoel8093 yes our girls can be a great incentive to stay away. Ashley just turned 35, honestly she never liked him. She saw something at a very young age that I didn't. I wish I had known a quarter then of what I know now.. My life would have been sooo different. At least the rest of my life will be better. 😊
Hi Dr. Ramani! What a great video! You perfectly described the narcissist! She engaged in chronically careless behavior and had chronic control issues but was never able to deal with the consequences of her behavior. The subsequent result was a "Grand pity party" thrown in full blown technicolor by her! Thinking back it is pretty hilarious to see how she would all of a sudden "tear up" when the cop gave her a ticket for driving recklessly!
I'm married to the guy. Be DOES NOT want to ever get caught doing anything "wrong". He wants all appearances
Divorce him.
Huh, I thought I'd tangled with a passive-aggressive, but the guy I know never complains. He's always so incredibly nice, positive, and helpful. The whole time he's also sabotaging projects, lying, stealing money, and/or taking tools needed to complete something and hiding them. Catch him at it and he's contrite and says he understands how bad that was, and earnestly assures you that he'll never do it again. Then he goes right back to the same actions. I'd rather deal with an openly violent and vicious narcissist like my mom was - at least that was visible, there was something there I could fight. This guy - there's nothing you can ever nail down, and even when you do have something concrete, he's so bloody nice about it and sincere in his apologies that you wind up feeling as if you're somehow the bad guy for being pissed at him. I've been reduced to taking notes so I can remind myself that yes, the stress I feel whenever the guy is around is for good reason.
There is the "chilling stealth" @sara fox warned us about. Now imagine being married to this person. They sob during apologies and buy you chocolates and also behave so loving until you truly forgive and forget. Then they start again, much better than they did before. Guys I am laughing at being toyed at 😂 but it was extremely brutal to mine and my kids mental health. God has healed me and Dr Ramanis videos helped much
i think the biggest red flag of all of this is the fact that your guy not only has those issues - but can pretend to be nice and positive for a very long time, effectively turning those issues off like a spigot when it's not convenient to have them. People who really have an issue like your guy has to the point that it's hard for them to handle and it's not their choice and they aren't intentionally using it as a weapon will either have a facade so paper-thin that anyone older than 7 could see right through it, or have no facade at all. And they certainly won't have a convincingly friendly facade. Of course, even if someone really is having that issue, it's still okay to give them an ultimatum in a relationship if they won't get help, but someone who can switch personas like that is definitely someone to be avoided if possible, and to be wary of if not.
@@lsmmoore1 through his sobs I prayed, "oh God please expose him and give me strength to be decisive when I see the real person." It is then that I saw clearly that I was faced with a vindictive 45 year old boy man. There was no turning back for me and he unleashed his true evil side. After 24 years of being together I was faced with radical acceptance. God gave me the strength to crawl out on my knees. God has been so good to me ❤️. I am grateful ❤️
@@bahle20 Yup, I know that feeling too well. I've never been so mentally exhausted in my life. But I literally thought my confusion and loss of energy, and the deterioration of everything around me was because I was doing something wrong - until my son told me that this "Mr Nice Guy" had been telling him that our money problems were all because of his school (he was on a scholarship and the monthly cost was less than the cost of the meals they were providing, so in reality his school was saving us money) and the other costs of raising him. He'd also told my son to keep secrets from me for years.
Once my son finally told me he broke down in tears; only then did I start to figure out that maybe the problem wasn't me. Soon after I found my missing book from a course I'd taken a couple of years earlier tucked away in a box at the back of a closet; wasn't the first time something critical had gone missing and been found hidden that way years later, so next time I left the house I carefully put a few clothes and other items that were in drawers at a bit of an angle. When I got home many of them had been straightened. I started watching carefully and things got really creepy really fast.
I just went through this, the lying, stealing money, and also hiding it. My ex caused me to get an eviction (he was never on my lease), but because DV (abuse) was occurring, the apartment cut a deal to clear me and dismiss the eviction (he was stealing the rent money or refused to help with bills). He wanted to still stay in an empty apartment so HE wouldn’t be on the streets. Wasn’t thinking about me or us at all. The day I had to vacate due to the agreement with the apartment, he tried to hold me up. I turned those keys in, signed my move out agreement, and left.
“People who park in front of their house”. I feel seen!
So true, people who lock the car away, (like me) "leave me alone "
Same!!!!
This really hits home because when I entered my teenage years, my NM would always tell me im so negative and unpleasant to be around. I think I just understood that she was projecting these patterns onto me, because she's exactly like Dr Ramani just described. I think I actually was very negative at that time in my life but I worked really hard on changing my attitude. I also think that it's normal that teenagers go through a "everything sucks" phase - even more when they were raised by 2 narcissistic parents. Im always scared to find out im also a narc because I can recognize myself in some of the things talked about on this channel. But then I remember that narcs arent self aware and dont admit their wrongs, they dont apologize or try to fix the things that arent right, that I have a lot of empathy. The last thing I want is to be like my mother.
Here is one for the books. One summer the N-ex didn't pay for either of our driver licenses or renewal or the car insurance. He said he couldn't afford it. Well, by golly, he was pulled over by a cop. The cop listened caringly then handed him a ticket. When we got home he tore it up and threw it in the trash. A few months late he received a warrant for his arrest in the mail. It took me a moment to process why. When he got home from work he picked it up and tore it in half and threw it away. Then one day we were out and he was pulled over. About a year and a half later. It took the cop some time in dealing with the stop. Then it hit me!! It had to do with the warrant for his arrest! I wasn't working at the time and we had four kids and the panic set in. I was sure he'd be arrested. It was a woman cop, LOL, she gave him the run down and he was given a ticket and told to show up for court. The judge threw out the case because it had been so long. He was serving as an associate pastor in a church and when he came home he was praised God for the outcome. My thought was, what wool did he pull over judges eyes?
Interesting
I know many pastors are good people but I keep getting those narcissistic vibes when I’m around some pastors or hear them speak online.
They can be the worst. They always need a supply. Hang in there!
Just passed exhaustion and moving into the disgust phase.
@DavidDrummond, Don't be surprised if you are soon accused of having an affair.
@@tamarawilliams276 past that point too
@ David Drummond..Absolutely mind boggling how so many people who don't even know each other can have such completely similar experiences with this. I thought for a long time that what I have dealt with was a bad decision on my part...until I became educated on narcissism
and found that it is an epidemic of unequaled proportions. Wish you the best fellow sufferer. 🙏
@@tamarawilliams276 I was struck by that same realization. Every video, every story. It was like they were living in my house too. It's almost like the narcs took college classes on being that way.
@ David Drummond Just my educated opinion, but I believe that these people were born with a predisposition to this disorder. To me, the absence of empathy that they display is extremely troubling. Yet they not only expect..but demand the subservient, kind, empathetic qualities that others possess. I will go out on a limb here and go as far to state that my belief is that they are not always " piloting their own craft." Some of the behaviors I have witnessed have truly made me think of demonic possession. Again, just my opinion.
Mine would literally be very abusive to me. He would not talk to me for days and days
This is so true. I had to constantly stroke my ex husbands ego just to keep him showing up to work. It never failed, he would ALWAYS take offense to something someone said or something that was asked of him. He was ALWAYS underpaid (in his mind) and people were out to get him or simply "jealous" of him. None of these things were true but trying to offer any kind of helpful criticism just made me an enemy as far as he was concerned. I eventually figured out what I was dealing with and filed for divorce. It did take being discarded multiple times (7) within our marriage before I realized that anytime I did not agree with him or hold up his fragile ego then that was what was actually bringing on the discards. I stayed as long as I did because I really loved him and wanted the marriage to work. Truth is that it can't because you are never free to be your own person. The minute you disappoint them in anyway then they are already planning how they can discard you.
In my profession, I come across a lot of communal/covert narcs. They come across as really 'nice', I've often sensed a rage just underneath their fake-ass smiles. These are the women (usually women) who consistently tone-police my legitimate anger and project their anger onto me when I'm not angry, I'm just not fulfilling their order of narc supply. "Sullen, resentful rage", and "validate them just to keep the trains moving' truly resonated with so many of my workplace experiences.
my mom and I are now at the disgust level, this video description is spot on! thank you for sharing Dr. Ramani ♡
Came right on time, thank you ❤
Thank-you! It was actually about a year ago, when I was once again at an extreme point of exhaustion in my relationship, that I found the term Passive Aggressive PD--which led me to many of your videos, and others that had to do with covert narcissism. Seeing these videos and hearing the experiences of others helped me to name what I had been feeling for many years and didn't know how to express. These videos and reading helped me to recognize certain patterns and helped me to come to terms that it wasn't going to change--and that I certainly was not going to be the one to "help him to change." I was able to leave the relationship and although some things are more difficult, the freedom that I feel is wonderful. I love that I don't have to make excuses anymore for him or live with a sense of dread of what would happen next--lose a job, cut off a friendship with someone, live quietly angry at me. I wish him the best, but knew that for my own mental health, I needed to leave and move forward.
I understand your newly found freedom and un-entanglement for I also was formerly married to a passive aggressive (borderline sociopathic) personality! I had to endure his negativity for over a decade and it almost emotionally destroyed me! He was only capable of giving me crumbs! Everything had to always tip in his favor and he broke so many promises to me! I also believe he led a secret life and only told me what “he wanted me to know!”
This is frustratingly familiar.
I still find that malignant narcs can use passive aggression as part of their repertoire whenever it suits them. No it isn't their main gig, but they use it as one of their tools to degrade and distance and if u broach it they flip back to overt rage.
You're an angel Dr. Ramani, glad to you for your efforts to awaken people.🙏🏻🙏🏻 I love you💐❤ Would you please make videos about identity disturbance and immaturity problems in narcissists, if it is avalaible 🙏🏻
I can relate to all this behaviour, I have seen it before with people. Thank you Dr Ramani x
Thanks for this message. Having just spent the holidays with an adult daughter who behaves this way, I came away feeling depressed and exhausted. Every holiday and special occasion is marred by her sullen behavior that she can turn on and off at-will. I really needed to hear this today. Thank you so much... Happy 2024, Dr. Ramani.
Thank you for this Dr Ramani❤
4:44
I'd like to see Dr. R do a deep-dive specifically on the bleed-through between Oppositional-Defiant, Passive-Agressive, and NPD.
Comparing and contrasting these three would really help, since it seems like the boundaries between are very blurry.
Thanks again to Team Ramani!
You Rock! 😎🤘😉
Wow! I didn't realize that my passive aggressive behavior was so frustrating, and never took any responsibility for ANYTHING! But he did always BLAME ME. Yep! I became the "Bitch", of the home with our 2 son's, and my ex-husband. It was HELL!
# his passive aggressive behavior...
Oh ya life's a bitch and then you marry one! How clever, it must have taken some narc 2 secs to make that one up!
Dr. Ramni you are so SPOT ON!!!!!
It made me laugh when you said the part "they even complain about a person parking in front of the house"!
To Karens comment below .... mine did the very same thing. The list of what I had to teach my kids that normal Dads do and love to do could fill a book. I had to travel for my job once a month and I would dread it because they would look at me like I was abandoning them it was horrible. So I would call them while I was gone and then he would use that against me in a later fight like I would call the girls and not talk to him and act like a two year old. It goes on and on and never changed. It was easier to do everything myself and he totally took advantage of that and was having affairs. They just wont stop. I'm finally divorced from him after 37 years, and his kids are in their 30's and they pretty much have nothing to do with him. HIs loss.
As everything else is revolving, so are the narcs, or maybe they never evolved but got exposed😂. Dr Ramani make sure you have physical bodyguards: these people are being exposed, and there ain't liking it😂
Dr Ramani, listening to you is like seeing my life with close captions, clarifying the chaos helping me see things for what they are, and understanding the reasons for this exhaustion. Your description of situations and people (i.e "brooding rage") resonates with me on a very deep level. Had I watched your videos some three or four decades earlier would have probably changed my life, but then better late than even later. Keep it up. I have no doubt I am not the only one who is constantly looking forward to seeing and hearing you.
I have to disagree with you on the point about "office politics." In an environment where office politics is tolerated -- that is indicator that the management team is immature, duplicitous and enabling toxic and hostile behaviors and attitudes in the workplace. Life is too short to tolerate manipulation and dishonest and disingenuous communication.
The culture and morale of a workplace or any organization or ecosystem will reflect the worst behavior that the management is willing to tolerate.
Is there an environment where office politics isn’t tolerated? I’m starting to wonder because it seems like each workplace I land in is dominated by this type of immature, duplicitous, enabling and toxic behavior. If such an “office” exists where people aren’t playing politics I don’t think I’ll ever find it!
@@ccdm515 it’s never about the actual work getting done. I’m not not even sure now why I ever believed that it was. Maybe it was the idea that a college degree is worth something or that people actually have expertise that is valuable? Surely I am delusional if I believe it now.
I am really confused at this point about what Dr Ramani was trying to convey in this post. This is akin to the quote “to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society is no measure of good mental health” (paraphrasing) - applied to the workplace. Some of the most “passive aggressive” people have climbed well up the ladder of corporate success. They are sneaky. Some people have oppositional defiance because they are in a totally sick construct- who could be happy in a situation that’s essentially evil.
@@ccdm515 I wish I knew. Hang in there! ☺️
@@skdewolf7606 I think Dr. Ramani is talking about a particular type of passive aggressive malcontent loser who could not succeed at life in general. We’re pushing back on the idea that passive aggressive narcissistic people don’t succeed at office politics or climb the corporate ladder because we know they succeed quite well at it. Probably everyone has been screwed over a few times at work by people like that. I sure have! So, I’m not really sure what type of passive aggressive is going unrewarded in the workplace. Seems like a necessary job skill.
I am much less exhausted since starting to view this channel. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for the healing knowledge!
Thank you all the efforts Dr.Ramani.Can you please make a video on how the narcs copy behaviour of lead roles from the movies? From example: the way the hero drives a car with egoistic smile? The way they pose in front of their wheels? The style of walk,dressings etc? Because I watched my narc getting inspired from all his favorite lead roles.
I was married to that for 10 years. I would go to a movie with him wondering what his new behaviors would be.
@ Shills Patil. He reminds me of the Joker movie.🤡
I appreciate KNOWLEDGEABLE leaders! Building a Lego palace with someone good at following directions makes the job SO much easier! Or IKEA furniture....same thing! In fact I would use either as a test for relationships or kindergarten classes. Leadership EARNED not dictated. The best leader SHOULD win! Unfortunately it seems to be the toughest, sneakiest, corruptest NARC that wins.
I made the experience that in many jobs workmates want to be a superior and tell others what to do all the time, even when they are not in the position. Thats annoying
I have learnt to just ignore, avoid and grey rock 🪨
@@user-of9bx1uk3u you cant ignore, they go to the boss and trouble you that way. Its insane
Jil Ross Narcs love to throw people under the bus...Work from home 🏡 if you can, minimal contact and grey rock as much as possible.
@@user-of9bx1uk3u I know but have zero ideas of what to do from home
Every video I click on brings yet another moment of clarity surrounding so many traumatic events.
Low-level Anger..??
He's Angry 95 % of the time..
In December, after he'd exploded in his 1st Narc Rage ( with me) he screamed. " Don't you Know How FULL of Anger I am" ??
Umm, ya, I do now..
Run!!! Never look back!
Nobody is responsible for someone elses emotional display.
Rx: take 3000 mg of Escape Velocity, 3x/day, for 3 days, while packing. Take first train out in the morning.
Yes! My ex would happily tidy his mothers kitchen and also sweep.
Unlike our home in which he would slam cabinets shut and put dishes up wet. Sooooo glad Im free now!!!! Such a neglectful marriage.
It is really annoying when it comes from a 45 year old man-child. Classic! So true!
He literally turned 45 last week! Boy did I get a full view of the NPD. My every effort for HIS BIRTHDAY was sabotaged. The food is not what he likes, the cake is not what he likes nothing is ever what HE likes. I am never doing ANYTHING for him ever again after getting this for Father’s Day and now his birthday. Then he complains that no one ever does anything for him. Yah I wonder why!
He swings between victim to hero - he is the victim to his DV ex and he is the hero to have helped her and supported her. I wonder why after 17 years victim she is now no longer able to function as a normal person. Ohh but he is the victim and she is the narcissist. Now I am getting called the narcissist I wonder at what point will the 2 people around he actually call him out and say ‘surely if everyone that you are with are a narcissist, you might be the narcissist’ but no one will call him out because he is good at selling his victim story and making sure he buys into these relationships.
He won’t take out the rubbish without being asked and when asked he will get difficult and at the end will drag me out to do it ‘with him’ when he could have done it himself. In the end me 8 and 6 year old just ends up doing it daily to save the argument.
Everything is a contention and nothing is ever his fault. When we go out he will negate the kids’ or my needs. By getting out of doing anything he will use ‘you just want control’. Lol no I don’t want control I just want a normal person that will react normally to normal requests.
They're so weird, mine takes out the trash to look like a husband who pitches in, sure, I'm constantly telling again and again how to recycle properly, no kidding, he'd throw in his used Kleenexes until I had fits to death!
Get out
The 42 year old man who never matures beyond the rebellious, defiant pubescent adolescent. Passive aggression is so prevalent in narcissistic abuse. So exhausting being involved with a narcissist. Glad I've exited the building.
Thank you so much for using the word "disgust" because that is now where I'm at about my parent's constant victimhood. I've recognised it for what it is but I felt guilty for feeling this disgust until I watched this video. Again, thank you for giving this your energy 🙏
Thanks it’s been a nightmare.
Excellent! Once again, thank you Dr. Ramani! You're helping bring light to all of humanity!❤
Much love to you Dr. ramani ❤
I am happy to listen to you explaining this pattern because I lived with a passive aggressive husband for 8 years .
Let’s all leave these narcs alone. Let’s forget about them like we forgot about the underpaid workers who make our phones. Who’s down?
@@LiveFaustDieJung oh if only they would leave us alone. Had to move far away and cut off relationships so he wouldn’t know where I was going to move. I think he would kill me if he could get away with it.
Oh no he won't leave me alone. He is now appealing the uncontested divorce he granted me when he thought it would kill me
Omg!! You are such a blessing in my life, dr. Ramani!! Namaste!!!
Looking forward to all the new videos 👍 up DR RAMANI,you have so many educated videos 🔥💯
So true! It’s exactly the coward narcissist I knew.
When I see him. He can't even look at me. Does this mean he know he did wrong the way he treated me?
That would require selfreflection. I think he sees you as the one who did wrong to him
Well I can't look at mine right now, keeping going works for me, omg being nice got me this! I'll save my niceness for my critters and kids!
@@Picca65 his sister in-law know how he treated me. She got on him the way he treated me and he didn't like what she said.
@@marsha04053 so he now dislikes both you and his sil
If he is personality disordered chances are he just sees you as an object to be regarded or not. It’s not about you. It will never be about you , the person. Their feelings about anyone but themselves are not complex. The Narcissist thinks in only two ways. What is good for ME what is bad for ME. That is all they are thinking all the time. They assume that’s how other people think too. Very low vibe two dimensional mental processes. Even your dog actually cares more about they way they behaved and how that made you feel than a narcissist.
And they love to call others angry especially when they are raging. Its sad to watch and when you know what they are about its just pathetic.
My mom try’s to be nice but she is so weird in public because it always comes out and especially when she is with us and she always talks bad about us behind our backs even if it’s lies she swears it’s the truth abs she never lies I never knew why people wouldn’t talk to me as much and that is what it was .. abs she doesn’t always take her happy medicine and she told me she is not a narcissist because I told her she was and she says I just tell it how it is . No you don’t .... 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 that is how she is everyday ..
This is my MIL in a nutshell. I suspect there is also some schitzotypal behaviour there as well as she has total contempt for humanity and doesn't seem to like living things at all.
You just described my in-laws. It amazes me that almost every single person in their family’s like this.
Have been listening to your videos for about a year and have learned so much. Thank you!! Now I understand what I have been dealing with for 25 years. Beyond exhaustion and In the disgust phase. Using your techniques and about to go no contact. Your information really broke the spell for me.
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He brought back my husband who was a narcissist after 7 years of seperation and brought us together in peace within 3days and settle my marital problems easily
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Thank you Doctor Ramani
"45 year old boy man"! I have one of those! I am married to a covert Narcasist! He told me he always gets what he wants"! When I was at work I was running late. He said if Aiden had a football game you would be home by now. Aiden is my son! The passive aggressive behavior is constant and exhausting.. I never realized until I started watching your videos how bad it was until now.
They make a point to subtly let you know what they're doing is intentional, but will act so hurt and confused when called out on it. After years of being the handmaid and taking so much crap from these kind of people. I have little patience for passive aggressive people now. You never know that you've upset them until they start their passive aggressive behavior, and its on you to play 21 questions to find out why they're so upset with you. Life is too short for all that aggravation.
This educational channel is so helpful. Thank you so much. Namaste.