The Moody, Pouty, Sulking, Passive Aggressive Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 พ.ย. 2023
- Some narcissists have a knack for draining the energy out of the room due to their complaining, griping, moody disposition. Dr. Les Carter breaks down this pattern and discusses how you can keep from being pulled into a non-productive counterflow.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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it is physically so tiring to be around this type of person. i have never felt so tired and depleted in my life
@nh255, I’d add emotionally draining, too! I’m beyond exhausted!
I’m sick from it all! You have no idea what behavior it will be for the day.
They always have an issue 😢
That's why I tricked out my car at the office. Steering wheel desk, sunshades, and three laptops. I know their break times and don't leave my car at that time.
And yet they can sleep anywhere anytime and for as long as they want.
I have also found that the pouty sulky Narcissist can then fly into a rage when I just carry on with my life and ignore their games.
Yep! Hence, the need for boundaries!
Oh yes! You are not allowed to move on without them!
Oh yeah. And when it all implodes, why then it’s YOUR fault for moving on.
It can get very dangerous. Objects start flying around or worse.
Yep. If you ignore their attacks they’ll accuse you of giving them the silent treatment. You can’t win.
It was like being with a seven year old, who wanted mummy to ask what's wrong and pander to their emotions.
My experience too! I did everything for him and always wondered at the back of my mind why it was never enough and why I was so tired and drained all the time. Anyway, I’m done after 6.5 years.
Also them wanting to be included in all your activities, but then acting miserable once you get there 🙄.
My soon to be ex husband did this all the time
Yes… so you focus on entertaining them the whole time. You never get to enjoy yourself.
My narcissistic boyfriend never wants to go out with me and if we finally go somewhere he puts me down or he puts on a bored face or gets angry,the other day he told me after 5 Minutes to drop him off at home and left me in the car ...I cried😢😮
Wow I just can’t believe all the people here saying this about all the narcissist behaviors ! I don’t have the patience for a narcissist period female or male period!! That is why I decided to stay single!! 😊
Being invited and refusing it, and then getting angry when you get back.
The mood swings are the worst. No warning, no explanation, like flipping a switch. And when you ask if you did something to upset them, they smirk 😏 a silent “you should know“!
Thanks Dr C, greetings from Switzerland 🇨🇭
Glad to be with you there in beautiful Switzerland.
So true 🎯💯
This exactly, if I get up early in the morning to read my Bible, silent treatment and scoffing all day as punishment for getting up early.
So hard to deal with these immature narcs! Ugh! Thanks for another great video! Hi to Gus!
@@judysangregorio2787it's exhausting to navigate through their "eggshells"
And when I ignore the sulking I’m accused of being insensitive to their needs/feelings. They really have a manipulative response for anything you do.
“Excuse me while I go find a place to puke.” That’s my life 🤣
😂❤❤❤
😂🎯❤️🩹
Cant go anywhere in public with them because they really complain and can be very rude to people non stop complaining
Hours and hours of mining me for solutions to their problem only for them to do absolutely none of it.
You give them LOTS of attention when you do this. So you play right into their hands by offering advice when your experience tells you that they simply will not listen, EVER, to the advice you offer. I have learned this lesson, finally. I just say "I don't know why you ask me when you always do what you want, not what I advise." It enrages them.
My 7 years with a suspected covert GF to a T. It's like you were there the whole time and made a video about it. You're always spot on, Doc. No psycho babble, just knowledge, validation, and kindness from a man who understands. So grateful for your your work and for sharing it!!!! Thank you!
Thanks for this feedback.
Isn’t it amazing how Dr C can describe my relationship better than I could have being in it, and is spot-on exactly right on it all. I truly appreciate the insight and education Dr C provides.
This was the behavior that baffled me the most! Was he mad at me? Or was he just having a bad day? If his job was as stressful as he made it out to be, I always thought coming home to a happy home would make him feel better but he never cheered the flip up after coming home! I use to get the children all excited just before I knew he would be pulling into the drive so that they would greet him with their happy little “welcome home” shouts of joy. Eventually even the children stopped being excited to greet him because he would be so ba-humbug with their joy to see him. But if his phone rang as soon as he got home in his pissy little mood and it was one of his buddies (or ANYone for that matter) on the other line, he answered that phone in record time with the happiest hello and literally utter excitement to hear from whomever was calling. Then just as soon as he’d hang up the phone… bam, the big long sigh came back with a big huge frown and he’d say . “How was your day?” He would walk away as I would begin to answer and then shout from the other end of the house, “KEEP TALKING. I’M LISTENING.” Knowing darned good and well he may have heard my voice but he was NOT listening! And if I began to explain to him how that is not “listening” …the chaos of denial and deflection and projection and arguing began. Nearly. Every. Single. Day. Each day had its only little twist of uniqueness but at the core the chaos was always the same. And it all started because of his sulky, pouty, silent treatment, sighing like life is absolutely the worst kind of behavior and me constantly trying to figure out how to make him feel better or trying to figure out how to make him as happy with me (his wife, for God’s sake) as he was with other people. He was happier when he talked to complete strangers than he was when he talked to me and his own children! I always feel so damned dumb for having put up with it for so long! But just in the nick of time he would turn on the charm so that I would be convinced everything was “just fine.” The mind games were endless!
I am grateful to have finally gotten away from such foolery. I still listen and try to learn from Dr Carter as well as others because part of me is so nervous I’m going to be that dumb again, in any kind of a relationship.
Edited for typos
Kelly, you are on such a positive growth journey. I really appreciate hearing how you are committed to being the better person. We could sure use more people in this world who think like that!!
So much of that sounds like my father. I once told someone who'd met him how he';d kept me terrorized for 30 years, and they, not knowing him that well, replied with, "What, THAT little guy?" They had no idea.
I think a lot of people use micro tactics such as these to get control and force others to do what they want. I look for it and intentionally don't fall for the control anymore. I think they can ask us to do something in a much more mature way.
The wondering for years "if he doesn't want me & this life , then what does he want? The lack of emotion takes a huge toll on the spouse .
Please do not call yourself dumb! That is what he wanted you to believe of yourself. Your experience sounds very much like mine. So if you are dumb so am I. The truth is that we had no idea what we were dealing with. As people who care of course we tried to make things better. And all the while we tried they made us fell “less than”. You are not dumb, like me, you just had no experience with this at the time. Sending you hugs!!
My mother...."I'm not angry, just terribly hurt." Then she starts planning her revenge. ;)
Oh my word is this the truth. I hear you ❤️
Another reason these temper tantrums are covert is that they can be rescinded by the narcissist and tell you that you were mistaken , you were reading it wrong , they didn’t mean that, etc. etc. - it’s a very cowardly way of having a temper tantrum.
My ex narc displayed al of these traits. He would also start badgering you about some incident that occurred twenty years ago. I'd have forgotten all about it, but he was still chewing the cud. His attacks would just come out of nowhere. I so don't want another narcissist in my life.
You have done and continue to do the research to make it never happen again. When taking that plunge back into the dating pool, I was hyper aware to the red (and even pink) flags. Even with narcs in the workplace or public space, I won't participate in their reindeer games. They're always searching for a sparring partner, and always come up short if they try to choose me. I hope you've found your place of peace (like the good Doc always says), my best to you. ✌
@@istateyourname4710 Thank you!
That describes my 89-year old "father" (I refer to him as a relative now.) to a T. 🙄🤦♀️
The crazy thing about these narcs is that they will drill you to the ground on things you have done wrong but they will never bring up their faults & wrongs that are far worse than yours. Total hypocrites
@@lislis9134 They might inflict the same treatment to themselves, or project their own issues onto you / others, and then rage.
I can't even watch Dr Carter's videos with the narcissist around I have to hide and watch it with headphones...
😮😢 In deed is a blessing for those who get Dr. C's enlightenment without fear... I feel so sorry for you...
🎯 When I’m desperate and its an inopportune time I simply click on the “CC” and read it. Definitely need privacy. I hear you! ❤
Me, too!
Literally me as I’m writing this!! My phone has the brightness turned all the way down, I have my ear buds in and the covers over my head, and it’s 1:30 am. Always listening in secret!!!!
@@lisab7977 ❤️☕️☀️😌💕🎧🙏🕊
The two parts of a covert narc I found most exasperating were the constant self pity, and the asking for my input then ignoring it. Living with “Eeyore” makes you want to scream “It’s not really that bad!!!” I did on occasion get so frustrated that I yelled “Oh Grow Up!!!” That did not help AT ALL.
No one serves food worth eating at a pity party. Best not to accept the invitation.
Yes, so much self pity and lack of self awareness. It’s exhausting
Thank you so much for helping me understand more! I was to the point of sadness and longing to escape until my 16 year old daughter said mom dads abusive and we need to leave. When your kids see way before you do that something is not right, open your eyes and do something. Life is way too short!
Smart kid! I so hope she is sharing her wisdom with her peers as well as her mom.
Thank you so much!@@patriciahboston3547
Yes. The heavy sigh is So over the top. Sometimes I just sigh back. He looked up once. There was a notable flicker of recognition, but then it faded. Big message:. I work so hard & you do not. FU. Sometimes that's all that's left to say. Emotional incompetence. That's good. Thank you so much.
I hate that sigh. It's irritating to say the least.
That sigh is the worst...so manipulative.
It’s draining!..
I get to deal with this today. Pray for me please. 😥
I’m so sorry for your pain 😔 I’ve been there and I hope your situation has gotten better 🙏🏿 After literally hundreds of videos of studying the narc and practicing the advice I’m finally comfortable in my skin when I have to deal with them…..they are a 🤡 to me these days and I appreciate myself dearly around them. I don’t seek their validation, or approval and I expect mostly pain with my interactions with the narcs of the world. I will never like it but too bad that’s how it’s gonna be so any assurance comes from within and that’s PLENTY when dealing with these folks……I wish you well and do the best you can……that’s my approach 😊
My feeling is the covert narcissist’s game is worse because at least the grandiose narcissist is being direct and everyone can see it. The covert narcissist is insidious and sneaky and it may take a long time before you realize their game.
Yes, you are absolutely right: the covert ones are much more difficult to spot 👍
And far more dangerous in my opinion
Took me 4 years to figure out what it was.
Indeed
They can steal years of your life
I pray each day to work towards Gus-like peace, stability and tranquility. I love seeing the handsome pup chilling on the couch behind you during your sessions!
My vote would be to market some Gus merchandise “Keep calm and Gus on!”
All kidding aside thank you for today’s wisdom.
Every. Stupid. Holiday.
No matter how “perfect” we tried to make it, nothing was ever good enough. The constant *itching from the narc was over ALL special occasions. Then the attacking would start. From arriving a few minutes late(literally minutes) to not answering the phone earlier in the day, no one could do anything right. I finally had enough. I only celebrate holidays with my children and husband. No one else. I’m DONE.
I hate going with the narcissist anywhere ,beach ,eg he keeps staring at all the young girls running around half naked and taking pics of them,what an insult for me ,never ahain😮
The more I watch these videos, the more I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not my fault. Novel thought!
The narc wants you to think it is!!
Yes, Eeyore. They have never had a good day in their lives and have no interest in me.
I've seen a "flip" in mood in front of my eyes, and it was related to dropping by a friend's house or going to church. It's all a front. I've stopped reacting to these mood swings, and just listen but don't emotionally respond anymore. It is a constant need for attention and control. I don't play.
My covert sister in law checks every box. One Christmas get together, a nice cozy fire was lit for everyone to enjoy. The little pouty sulky baby went outside in the cold because she was too hot and nobody was giving her attention. It all makes so much sense now. Ive gone no contact so no more holidays to deal with her BS. Thank you Dr. C for another excellent video ❤
How old is she? I have one of these (a sister-in-law) that always has to be the center of attention. She is 66 years of age.
@janetsweeney7251 HI Janet..she's 64. You know the older they get, the worse they become with the narcky crap.
I lived w a narcissist for 5 years and it severely and negatively affected my mental health and self esteem. With a therapist plan your escape, rebuilding yourself emotionally, socially and economically.
3:27 omg #4 pretending to want your input and then ignoring you: that was so confusing; my narc would drag me to help them buy a computer, then ignored me the WHOLE TIME!
Truth! It takes a lot of practice to remember there are no good intentions. I just can’t get it through my thick skull. I hear you ! ❤
Has anyone ever felt like they're being "remote controled"? Some have to be in control of virtually everything! About every thought and move is dictated...And they have to be "right" about everything.
They want to control everything and you first have to filter your thoughts through them. They need total control to compensate their insecurities. Besides life is a competition and they always have to win.
"A grown-up child" - yes, again you nailed it, Dr. Carter. The moodiness, the sighs, manipulativeness, entitlement, the low or no insight/introspection, passive-aggressiveness, silent treatments/stonewalling, quitting/unwillingness to grow, the self-serving assumptions, blame-shifting, professing one thing and doing something else, etc....and with their lack of introspection, even if some don't consciously realize every single one of the things they're doing, it still stinks and it's still exhausting to deal with. I've opted out of this no-win game and stopped trying to get them to get it. And though there have been sad aspects about it, the disengaging is necessary self-preservation. Thanks for these videos, the validation is so supportive and helpful.
Very well said!
My X . Wife.
My sister almost to a T. She likes to "throw her weight around" and gaslights and lies with no shame. She was the golden child, now she's miserable, but well-trained to continue to torment me. She shoots me smirks of pure joy after triggering me as if she's won something. Our elderly mother reinforces this terrible behavior while blaming me for the consequences of their dysfunction. I just learned that I've been in survival mode for 60 years. Our sisterhood was stolen from us.
I hear that and deal with it all as well. I’m so sorry! ❤️🩹
From personal observation, a narcissistic parent seems to have a role for everyone and everyone suffers. The golden child is often plagued by feelings they are being disrespected by everyone and they burn bridges everywhere. While the golden child seems to be the favorite, they are another pawn stirring up family dynamics. However, the golden child is also the protege of narcissism. Also from personal observation, narcissists live to build triggers and not only set them off with just a word or look, they love to make those triggers generally available to others. One of their favorite things to trigger is your name. The would love to see you react like you've been jolted with an electric cattle prod every time you hear your name.
Sounds a lot like my ex gf.
Same for me, I walked away 10 yrs ago and last year my dad was in intensive care, so I came back to visit him , after 9mths in the family I walked away again they hadn't changed at all.
I have made a life in the community, I learned to play the guitar and sing and perform in cafés, care homes , I have fans and they love my voice and what I do ,I finaly get some appreciation . I performed at my dad's birthday, and my family ignored me and spoke over my songs. When my mum turned down my amp, I packed up and went home.
Not going back, they are incapable of being kind, nice appreciative, loyal. Their just plain miserable,
I have better things to do.
Moved on !
@@juliedilworth4394 You endured a lot and accomplished so much. Being trapped with this type of family is extremely stressful and exhausting. I am happy you found your way out. Keep living your best life and treasure all of the ground you have gained. ❤️🤗💕💃
‘I never said that!…and if I did, I’m sorry’ .How my father would always apologise for anything
Thanks for this information Dr C. I’m in shock that this is part of a covert narcissist personality! Dealt with it for 30+ years. 🤦♀️
You are so welcome...keep learning!
10:44 "Emotional Incompetence" -- I really like this way of saying them 😄
I asked my husband to go to counseling last Sunday, and he has been throwing his temper tantrum ever since, to the point of moving into the garage. I refuse to play his game anymore.
You asked him to take off his mask and that scares him.
That’s exactly what mine did!!!
What a Loser!!!
If I do something they don't like it's the full gammit of contempt disdain silent treatment or rage. If they don't something I don't like and I say so, it's the same full gammit! Just impossible! Drove me to the edge
Yes,experienced all. If you respond, you become supply. If you don’t, you become the complaint (and part of the problem).
Definitely a no win situation.
@@t_nels The only way to win is to not even play. I learned that from WarGames.
@@aaronkwolfe I feel like avenging my children. What has been done to me is withstandable. My adult children have their lives ahead of them. 😣
@@t_nels I understand. A caution, perhaps. Vengeance is a tricky thing. If I trusted myself for meting it out, I’d likely go overboard. There are many factors that I may not comprehend, and my “justice” might overwhelm my mercy. Time can heal. To err on the side of mercy takes it out of your/my hands.
Caution over. Do the best you can do.
@@aaronkwolfe I am trying. My mother is breathing over my back. I don't want my son to regret staying away from his grandfather. It is probably hopeless though.
And then when you tell them to stop sulking and being passive aggressive Im a bully 😂😂😂
If I had a nickel for every time the narcissist in my life said “I never said that!” when calmly confronted about insults or hurtful jokes… I’d have a lot of nickels 😂
Yes! Constantly trying to rewrite history! “I never said that.” “I was just joking”.
…and the sulking…….like a 4 year-old……unbelievable
This passive aggressiveness can almost seem like a "split personality" sort of quality if you don't fully understand the reasoning behind what they're doing. If you don't fully grasp that they're saying and doing all of this stuff as a form of manipulation and control, it can really seem like this person is going from hot to cold and back again in a matter of seconds.
With the narcissist I dealt with, she would get furious at me for something small and meaningless, expecting me to cower down and apologize for no other reason than that she said so. She would make a big deal about something, throw a tantrum and then yell at me, expecting it to ruin my day and ruin me emotionally. Early on, I would let it get to me and I would apologize a thousand times (even if I didn't do anything wrong) and she would keep shutting me out, taking pleasure in watching me suffer. She wouldn't speak to me again (maybe for weeks or months) until I STOPPED apologizing - because then it was no longer fun for her if I wasn't begging for mercy.
So that's when I realized that it was all a game. So the next time this would happen, I wouldn't give it any attention and would go about my business. Then the narcissist would act "sad" and pouty when they realized I wasn't chasing them. They would start going on and on about how they were upset about how I didn't want to be THEIR friend (even when she was the one holding the grudge and giving me the silent treatment). It was all to try to lure me in with a false sense of security. She wanted me to think she was truly sad and lonely, all so I would approach her only for her to switch her entire personality on a dime AGAIN. The second I showed kindness to her and engaged with her, BOOM - she lashed out and brought the hammer down. It makes you think "Wow, what happened to being sad?!"
It's really just like every other thing they do - it's all a rouse to create leverage for themselves. They want to make you bow down to them, and if that doesn't work and you don't let it get to you and go about your own business, they will have to switch up manipulation strategies. So they think if they can lure you back in with fake sadness and gain your sympathy, that gives them leverage over you again. It's pretty bizarre behavior until you realize, "Oh, you really just want to be in charge and have the power to guilt trip me and punish me and that's where all of this split personality behavior comes from". None of it is "real" emotion.
This sounds like borderline personality.
You make so much sense
@@Qazwdx243 I definitely think there's a possibility BPD was at play with this person. But they definitely did a ton of manipulative things specifically for supply though. They also thought incredibly highly of themselves to an irrational degree and had absolutely no self-awareness or ability to see themselves as the problem. So all of that is what led me to believe it was NPD first but if it also turned out that she had BPD as well, it would not shock me.
Dr. C you are 100% correct about this. My narc behaved like this whenever he didn't get his way or if I said no or disagreed with him. I had to constantly say, " I have my own thoughts and opinions." He was what he called frustrated ALL the time about everything.
One night I won Backgammon several times in a row. My fiance sulked and felt sorry for himself. He then began yelling at me for something completely unrelated.
We broke up shortly thereafter.
Who wants to be with someone who treats you like that?!?
Glad he's in your rearview mirror!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks! Me, too!!!! 💪💪💪
I noticed that narcissists will often call their victims covert aggressive. Victims are forced into that role until they they can free themselves.
Spot on.
The moment my Narcist started exploring me as a covert narcist was the day he showed me a video on his phone and then told me I wasn’t meant to see it. Obviously running out of ideas to control me which told me that was his end game revealed and his finale at trying to gaslight me over as that was the moment I could see straight through him and I left the relationship for good
Their huffing and puffing is hilarious. Anyone who does the breathing 😳 get away from 😂
I’ve been playing this game for 49 years. Now he is ill and needs someone to take care of him. I’m so over this behavior and playing games!
They always inflate themselves but create an atmosphere of doubt for you
We need so many more videos on how to recognize and deal with these people! They can be so baffling for years that it’s hard to recognize early on all the firm steps we need to take to protect ourselves. It’s so easy to be fooled by these folks!!!
So true.
It really is easy to be fooled! Narcs are very good at what they do.
amen
Baffling! That's the word I was always feeling until I started watching these videos! Now I am just amused when I see the "baffling" behaviour , described to a "T" by Dr. C! Gracias Doctor!
The only one my husband is not is number 9. Also, because I am the thorn in his side, he has every right to treat me like garbage.
I've been experiencing these moods, it's so draining and a ridiculous waste of life.....I think this narcissistic man is playing a role....its the most frustrating thing to have to deal with....he is always looking for attention, and then screams out ...im grown!!...I don't need anyone!!....im thinking, who cares!?.....I wish there was a narcissistic island to put them....its depressing, draining, boring, childish and empty dealing with them....its like a re- run of a bad episode...same stuff ,different day.....I want out so bad.....soon, very soon.....
I love the idea of the narc island to put them on!! If you want out, make a plan, call a DV advocate and leave, good luck!
"Passive-Aggressive" - I first ran across this term about 25 years ago. When I did, I realized it perfect fit and explained a longtime "friend" of mine. He was in the sad habit of letting his own life fall into complete chaos & disrepair-- while at the same time, ALWAYS trying to tell ME how to live MY life. Every time we'd get together, he'd be naggng me about what i should do, or how I should act, and then hitting me with relentless questions like "Well why not?" "Well how come?" And yes, at time< I thought he soudned like a 5-year-old. It's only very recently I came to hear the term "passive-aggressive" used in connection with "narcissism," and I realized, decades after-the-fact, that's what that guy was.
In the last few years I knew him, he'd often go missing or be inaccessible for months or a year at a time, only to suddenly turn up out of nowhere being all friendly. And then, like clockwork, a week later, turn up again, NEEDING A FAVOR. I got very offended by the idea that he only wanted to stay friends because he saw me as someone who could do things for him. And the truth is, THAT part wasn't the real problem for me-- it was that, PLUS, he simultaneously trying to tell me how to live my life.
I finally told him one day when he showed up: "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE." Incredibly, it took him nearly 2 years for the message to get through. But I refused to talk with him from that moment on.
Wow. What a sick individual. “I want you out of my life!” So simple and direct. Good for you! I’m sure you’re MUCH happier without this “friend”.
OMG this is my adult niece. Not surprising since her mother (my sister) is a grandiose malignant narcissist.
❤️🩹❤️
Be grateful when the "sh*t show"
Is done...Ridiculous 🧐💯😇
I can't see what your reply
Says on my end? But, ty😇
This is my mom. Took me 52 years to figure this out. I told her I refuse to babysit her feelings anymore and have set about not doing it. It has increased the behavior, yet now I ignore it and enjoy her fustration at not being able to use her tricks on me.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is ignore them, let them pout and sulk. Cheers Dr. C, I LEARNED the hard way to keep being me and I rarely sulk thankfully.
While watching this my narcissist ask “ whyare you mad at me”.??! Lol
Had to pause just to say, I love that Gus is living his best life! 🐶 🥰
Gus is my little buddy!
You're describing my psycho coworker, she is a stereotypical covert narc, unbearable and horrible to everyone, but plays the victim.
#1. Lots of negative non-verbal messages!✅ Yep, Dr. C! No doubt! Lol🙃
I call mine angry eeyore sad but so angry. Caught him in a glare today though, that shivered me Timbers!🥶
My (ex and last) boyfriend! I referred to him as Eeyore. "Ooh noo, Pooh." He was just always sad and miserable and mopey. The more he "eeyored" the less I cared. He "eeyored" himself right into EX.
Having a hidden, unspoken 'rule book', that you are supposed to follow..which you don't know about...and God help you if you break one of these 'rules'...you're just supposed to be psychic, and know their needs in advance!....oh, and have absolutely no needs of your own either...you're just supposed to be available, to turn yourself into a pretzel to meet theirs at any time...no matter what's going on for you!
It's a total Mind F...that leaves you ruminating about what you could have done or said differently...it's the bizarrest type of abuse.
Oh, and let's not forget how you find yourself apologising to them, for them abusing you in this way!
Just had an episode of that this morning. Looking for more and more material on elder care and how NParents get worse as they age 😐😑😖
My mom, fortunately, developed dementia. She had no more control over anyone. When I visited her, if she got mean, I would leave. Act nasty and the fun stops.
I have a narc friend who I got along with pretty well for 38 years. Then she lost her grip and turned on me hard. It was very hard to walk away from this friendship, but I had to. Five times in a row when I saw her, she acted like she hates me. So, it sure can get worse.
Good luck in your situation. It's hard to help people who use it against you when you love them.
Recently my ex covert narcissist was so nice when I was sick with CARE BOMBING but now I'm feeling better, he's pouty, distant and acting as if he wants me to shower him with praise for helping me out which I already did the other day. He's never happy
The loud sighs and eye rolls have taken their toll on me. It’s so demeaning and destructive. Add the infidelity and lying and I’m just SO tired.
My dad to a tee. But you can add to this aggressive explosions out of nowhere, physical abuse, destroying things, systematically ignoring us children, and being an extreme hypochondriac. When you say you have cancer, he says he has a sore finger.
This. They literally always have it worse. There is no possible way they will let you get any attention or sympathy for a very real, serious and/or scary problem you have going on. The second you tell them, the wheels automatically start turning as to how they can flip this and make something about them. Then if you don't show them make believe pity for a make believe problem, you're the one that doesn't care about them or their problems, they're all alone and get on the phone with any other source or supply who will give them the attention they're looking for. All the while, YOURE the one neglected and left with zero support which was their goal. Trying to explain this will only worsen the problem and possibly cause them to say something extremely hurtful as to how an unexpected problem was probably your fault to begin with. Gotta love it.
😂 yes, so true. We just left my doctor's ofc where I was told I had thyroid cancer and needed surgery asap. My husband starts whining that he's sure he has a brain tumor.
@@ambremomo *Nods head up & down*
I had no idea! Well 22 years later, this makes since. On my part i just ignore him when he dispays these behaviors.
When there is something they want to do they are unstoppable, but when it comes to things they don't want to do, they act helpless. You know, like cooking, cleaning and just the everyday minutia. And yes, the sulking and the pouting when they can't have their way.
Everyone of these 10 traits are exactly what my husband did to me, this is so eye opening and why I am divorcing him.
That’s how stupid they are they think then you say no to something they want by throwing a tantrum and abusing you will work for them that you will suddenly give them what they want . Don’t chase them it’s what they want
Exactly loud obnoxious and bullies for sure!!!
Unwinding the connection between my narcissistic parents and the men I've dated has been illuminating.
The projection is off the hook! They'll tell you you're angry all the time when it's them that's angry! They'll also re-interpret conversations and accuse you of calling them names when you didn't do that at all.
The narcissist I know does what he does because he looks at it like a game to see how far he can push you... it's a challenge for him...
This one is 💯 tailored to me. My current soon to be ex IS THIS to a tee.
10 out of 10. lol...The good news is thanks to Dr. C, and Dr. Ramani, I no longer play the game and I don't let them manipulate me anymore. It's truly freeing. Let them pout! :)
Be you!
Big pushback when you don't play the game any more. It's harder to be a victim when no one can see the pout.
Now the rage , for sure, can't be missed.
You just described my ex to a T 😂, I swear they all run on the same software lol
I'm nobody's emotional pack mule..
Nailed it. I truly thought gluttony was the issue this person was plagued with, but it is narcissism.
Moodiness, passive aggression and codependency are signs of toxicity, but they can go under the radar, per NPD. Taking your moods and frustrations out on others is immature and selfish, but it can also accompany numerous, less overt red flags indicating covert narcissism. It is harder to detect and most wouldn't see it, unless you have studied narcissism diligently.
Narcies come in different forms. When you have been flying monkeyed for years, assume most people around you are spies/compromised, and most are narcissists with less power than the one who recruited them to run in little circles around you and report back.
This is exactly my relationship for 7 years but no whiny just more introverted and won’t discuss anything
These are also behaviors that are often present in people who have been under narcissistic oppression from others. It is a coping mechanism, but often it is reactive, not always proactive. I shut down when I am around people who continually disregard and diminish me. I don't have these behaviors when I am around kind people.
You are describing my ex mother-in-law. The amount of energy that woman stole from me... 😩
Wait! 2,3k likes in under 20 minutes?! Ugh! So many recognized what Dr C was talking about
When I get notified of pending stream (33 to 36 hours or so before stream), I go and “like” ahead of time, because I’m certain I will. If (for some strange reason) after the stream, I realize that I didn’t like it, I can always click a second time to rescind it. Never happened before, but that option does exist.
When will the narcissist return?
The narcissist returns, when you no longer need them.
Narcissists are all about seeing how far down they can push you, for the sake of their own validation, and much needed confirmation of their superiority over you.
Narcissists are always creating situations where they are trying to make the point that 'they don't care about you', 'you mean nothing to them', in the hope that you will fall into a state of desperation -
wanting them back at all costs, showing you cannot make it on your own without them.
Of course all of this only really validates them, if you react as expected.
Which is to fall into the character they need you to play, one of desperation, in need of the narcissist back in your life, showing your pathetic & broken self, proving your inferiority.
The supply which comes from you staying in this helpless character, allows them to thrive and seek out other supplies, as they are fully energized from the fact they now own you even from afar.
My single "mother" "parent" to the letter.... So damaging & dangerous bc they seem to so easy slide under the radar of those that should step in & help; family, friends, the system... Its so exhausting & mentally/emotionally taxing just trying to explain the circumstances to those fooled into believing the NARC & buy into their projecting, scapegoating, & gaslighting. Makes me understand why I found comfort & solace in being alone bc I could always see & feel the disgusted stares & "how could you, or "how dare you treat/talk to your mother that way" looks of those who bought into the NARCs lies, manipulation, & delusional stories... Makes more sense every day why I never opened up to others... People who have never encountered or been trapped in NARCs sick twisted web just can't fathom or rationalize how someone could act like that yet they buy into the insanity the NARC spews... Hopefully some day I can find the professional help I need & could've used my entire life. I've broken free of emulating her actions & behaviors coming to the hard realization I was the issue for so long with self loathing, self hatred, & self sabotage so I have to change to be better, I've made those realizations but it's hard when you've dug an unhealthy, irresponsible, PIT while having NO support systems or mentors outside the SOLE saboteur the NARC. I'm at a loss for words tbh. Days are long & hard but I WILL NOT SACRIFICE MY PERSONAL PROGRESS BY ESCAPING REALITY THROUGH SEX, DRUGS, & BEING IRRESPONSIBLE... I'm guessing it's hard & long bc I've still got so much to learn on the journey just hope I have adequate time left. Much Love, Stay Safe, & Be Rational...
I can't even count the number of friends I've lost because they talked to my big narc when the latter was in a fit of jealousy. My husband now tells me, "Any friend of the narc's, and anyone who meets them, is no friend of ours. They hear such outrageous lies about us that they won't even say what they heard." (I've had hints that they think we are cultists.)
I coped much the way you did.
We are very lucky now. Even ten years ago, no one was discussing how victims of narcissistic or psychopathic families fared or how they might recover. All I heard at that time was that the normal children of psychopaths tended to react with neuroticism and depression. When I was a kid getting sent to counsellors (because I wasn't making friends properly), there didn't even seem to be a word for "depression," much less "narcissistic abuse." I am very grateful to Dr. Carter for his work.
Good luck and more power to you in your journey! If at all possible, get away from the narc, and work first (if Dr. C will pardon me) on accepting yourself for who you are (self-loathing and all) on that long road you had to walk all alone. Take some pride in it.
The childishness is crystal clear in this particular podcast.🎯
You’re so appreciated, Dr C!
Thank you
How do you deal with a narcissist who is nice to your face but talks really bad behind your back? You don't even know what they're saying but know how badly they talk because they talk about everyone like that. So much vicious gossip that the people the narcissist talks to don't even talk to each other any more...?
I think this is another trait of the covert narcissist. They call everyone to complain and tell stories that place us (who dare to have boundaries!) in a very negative light. Sadly, it kind of works.
exactly what happened here yesterday, firstly came at me screeching like a screaming banchie very rude and aggressive. Then when i replied with No and reminded them they're not only lieing but being rude and abnoxious they then flipped to what you are explaining right here.
My sibling is covert. Only talks to me when they need something. Once they didn't talk to me for almost 3 years. I keep everything with them short and to the point. When they ask me questions I ask why they want to know something. Shuts them right down.
I know so many people with all those traits.. The only thing is that if I want I can easily get away from them.. This is on me.. The effects of growing up with people with those traits is that I go towards them like a moth to a flame..
This is so true and a great reminder of why I got out of my last marriage. He had the nerve to send a friend request on Facebook last week! Thank you for helping this recovering girl stay strong.
You are so welcome
No doubt he’s finding out nobody wants to be around him. Stay strong. Block him everywhere you can.
Wow!!!! This describes my husband to a “T”
Thank you for confirming I’m not crazy. I will continue to watch, listen an learn. I’ve been in this marriage for 21 years. I was a young widow when I met this man who seemed like such a nice (never married) man. We dated for 6 yrs before marriage and all the signs were there. All the personality traits you went through in this video were there. I thought if we married it would make him happy. I thought I could fix his childish controlling traits.
Yep. Was married to this. So much angst and drama out of nowhere. He was shocked when I got up one morning and started packing. I was gone in three days. Divorced in a few weeks.
I have a lot of these ones. Need to work on myself.
You just described my husband perfectly in the first two minutes
We can't judge yet they can. Such hypocrite's
And old as they get, they never learn anything about themselves. Expect no change!
Just had an insight. He was such a bummer. I assumed depression.... never occurred to me he was bringing me down... I've now dropped a friend who did this too. Ok if you are authentic. If this is your habitual negative way of controlling I'm not interested.
My sibling- in-laws are like this, which is amusing because they drive my narc husband (their brother) crazy👹 I just watch it all, shake my head and pray to get away.
It really sucks when your only sibling is like this and you grow up not realizing it is a manipulation. And parents, with only good intentions, keep thinking they just need more attention, help and love so it just feeds their narcissism. And being covert, it can take decades to even know what you are dealing with.
This is a perfect description of my daughter.
When her sulks didn't get her own way, she would burst into tears (sometimes angry tears) and a few years later, when crying didn't get her her own way, she would start throwing up.