I love this video so much! Star Heartsong here 👋, just discovering this video in 2024. It resonates with me so much. 17 years ago, I was a Lecturer at MIT and I taught a course on the philosophy of love and imagination. 8 years ago, I had a profound spiritual awakening that I am still integrating to this day. This video came to me by synchronicity, and it feels so right, so true, in accord with my organically grown beliefs. 1) Hurt is normal, it's here for our growth, allow yourself to feel safe enough inside yourself to be hurt, and to grow. Hurt is the medicine. The white lotus of awakening grows from the poo at the bottom of the pond after all. 2) No need to compromise. Once you have done enough self work and you know yourself and you feel you are living ON your purpose, which is also called dharma, then you do you boo. And two divine processes always find a solution. Don't take the bait to compromise who you are, once you love who you truly are. 3) Go to bed. Trust that the divine process will do its work and stay open or non-attached to the outcome.
Some of the things make more sense than others, at least to me, but the "don't go to bed angry" does not mean you need to keep fighting it until exaustion, it means you should know that as angry as you may be, the bed is a sacred place and you need to tell yourself that whatever it is you are fighting about, it can be dealt with another time. Bedtime is a sacred moment for marriage and it takes a concious decition to hug each other in bed, even if you are so angry you don't want to talk at all. Just take a shower, put some perfume you like, and go hug each other in bed, nothing else, just hug or hold hands if that is all you feel like giving that day, but remember to simply let the problem go for tonight, because neither of you really know if you are going to wake up tomorrow. If you make it a ritual of your relationship to never argue in bed, take concious steps to touch each other before sleep, and simply let anger wait for tomorrow, you may find that tomorrow you don't Even remember what you were so angry about. Never underestimate the power of touch, of being clean and smelling each other while you simply hold hands. Be angry with the action or problem itself, not with the human flesh behind it.
I love this "it takes one to break old patterns." The person who stops keeping score and chooses peace over war - that's the person who changes the world. A major theme in my favourite anime Naruto Shippuden ;-)
She talks about being selfless and it is a nice approach but at certain point you are going to feel used and taken advantage of. Best thing to do is to know your partner as much as you can before you marry him. And please, forget about the false hope expectations that romantic movies sometimes condition us. The subliminal message is ingrained in our minds and we don’t even realize it.
ya if u feel used just stop giving, and when they ask why, you just say you are tired from giving..if you still want to give if your heart tells you to then do so, but dont expect a return.
Compromise - an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. "an ability to listen to two sides in a dispute, and devise a compromise acceptable to both". When she's saying Compromise is, is not the definition above, she's explaining "give and take". Then she's explaining whats better, witch is COMPROMISING!
Great advice if you are in a relationship with someone who is growing and teachable also... narcissistic people will take and take until you disappear and then be upset because you stopped meeting their needs. 💕
@@dumfriesspearhead7398being a sensitive person isn't the answer... because how are you empowered to take action from that? Not be sensitive? No. There are plenty of sensitive (and that is a broad array of definitions, but I won't get into that here) people, who are not attracted to, nor attract, narcissists. Narcissists like people who don't have a firm sense of who they are. Narcissists like people who don't have good boundaries. Narcissists like people who will give up their needs for the narcissists. Narcissists like people they can manipulate. People who tolerate narcissists, actually treat themselves the way a narcissist will. To explain further...if you have negative self talk, internal dialogue, you'll more likely tolerate someone talking negatively to you. You might not like it, but you're more likely to tolerate it. If you don't have self trust, the narcissist will feed into (and off of) that too. If you have a core wound of unworthiness, the narcissist can get in easily. Those are just a handful of examples. Usually, these ways of relating to oneself, started in childhood. Our primary caregiver (s) condition is in certain ways. That isn't our fault. However, when we realize that we are continuing it to ourselves...it is our responsibility, to self advocate, heal, change our relationship to ourselves, and be empowered. We then can communicate our boundaries, needs, with no apologies, but with confidence, knowing we have a right to be here. That, that, is narcissist repellent.
Mixed feelings about this. Learning to deal with pain and hurt instead of avoiding it is key, very important for *all* of society. Learn to effectively deal with it, instead of just getting upset, offended, angry... which is completely unhelpful and useless, but that's what everyone does now. Compromise... this one is a bit short-sighted. She just says there's always a solution where both people are happy. Nonsense. There's very often not a better solution, and then the choice is either compromise, decide who is going to get their way... or get divorced. Example: have kids (or another kid) or don't. If one wants to and the other doesn't, there's no "great option" where everyone wins. "Don't go to bed angry" has been told to me by so many successful, happy old couples than any other piece of marriage advice. "It only takes one person to change: You" is somewhat true, but there's still two "yous" in the relationship, and sometimes, even if you're doing everything you can to grow and make things better, the other person might actually be the problem. See: abusive relationships. No amount of change on your part is going to fix the fact that you're being abused.
This is only true if your partner is also not in need and a sane person. I had a husband that was going mental over small things, being irrational and aggressive. You just cannot deal with such people on a rational basis. It also takes just one person to destroy a marriage.
How is compromising a bad idea? In my relationship we both make it work and listen to each other. When we compromise, we both feel happy and close to each other. Btw, finding what both of you want to watch is in fact a compromise. There are different ways of compromising. Being able to talk to each other and listen without judgement is also a form of compromising. This lady is only talking about one version of compromising and she’s talking about a failed compromise, not exactly how compromising actually works.
I think it depends on your definition here. If comprise means: “both of us are equally unhappy” it might not be the way to go. If you go for “we both win” it might be great.
What I got from this: Hurt is inevitable, you should expect that someone will hurt you eventually, Prepare to love them regardless Don’t compromise, find new agreements, stop keeping score it leads to resentment. Don’t expect your husband or wife to be your source of fulfillment, Only Jehovah can fulfill that hole in your heart, focus on what you can contribute the person what you can give not what they can give you theres no resentment if you realize they cant give you anything that will make you feel whole Contribute to the other person, don’t expect a constant give and take it leads to resentment be selfless, need is not a gift Just go to Bed, sleep on it, ask yourself what are you contributing to the relationship, is it anger? That’s pointless, sleep calm down and focus on new creative solutions to your challenges. Its takes one to break old patterns, it takes you to change to make things better, not the other person Life changing outlooks on how to treat our husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers, friends, strangers you have conflict with everyone you have interactions with, love it.
☆Compromise bad for a marriage ☆ Agree on one thing ☆ Contribute What is one contributing Be selfless all needs are met ☆ Dont go to bed angry it takes one
What makes it longlife is sincerity. Just give everything while u can, n always to try so hard that when you lose them u know uve done anything u can to maintain the relationship. And always remember that whats meant to happen will happen anyhow.
I thought something wasn't right ! I was listening whilst driving and thought bluetooth disconnected, and I was listening to this via phone speakers. I didn't know the right/left sound issue would be on bluetooth too !
This information is so good and when you hear it makes such perfect sense that you wonder why it is not obvious to all people in relationships. I’ve certainly struggled in the old model Liza describes and the hurt and/or anger occurs to me now as wasted energy (not that I’m beating myself up about it - you live, you learn, and the lesson or knowledge gained is in the contrast between experiences). I love the self-empowerment and contribution aspects of the Liza’s new model - it truly embodies love. So glad Liza is sharing her message!
Empowering ideas for a healthy relationship. Liza brings awareness of the old ideas and expectations in relationships. Out with the old and in with the new, I see myself listening to this talk often!
I also believe it works in our marriage , after a fight just go to sleep , relax and then discuss the problem in morning or whenever time permits but on next day itself , you get time to think what went wrong , and your partner gets time to go through his problem .. ...anger is gone now like normal adults discuss what triggered you or him to lose the cool...but discuss it dont let go
My compromise consisted of telling my (now ex) wife,"do you know what? I think you're right and I was wrong." What I got in return was, "bullsh--, David, you are not going to agree with me just to avoid an argument!"
James Craig How would you handle this kind of situation(it take 2 to argue) your partner takes your keys. you can't drive to work you can't take child to school. You inform them you need the keys.they do not agree.do you miss work tell your child no school today.Or tell your partner this is not right.people are not always that simple.hopefully you never have to deal with this in your relationship.
She makes it feel like I should struggle all the way in a relationship and my partner should do nothing...like it’s all on me. Woman, if I wanted it to be all on me I wouldn’t be in a relationship first of all
Couldn't agree more!I don't see the new models (alternative solutions) she has proposed make any sense.Seems like the secret of marriage relies on one part's selfless sacrifice.her choice of words true contribution.what is difference between this theory and the happy marriage is compromise. in general her talk makes me feel angry ,I was hoping to find a new path when I read her headline of the talk.disappointed.
Excellent talk with really powerful ideas! More people need to hear this message -- both single people and married couples. I don't think most people realize just how sick and dysfunctional modern relationships are. We all need to start holding ourselves to a higher standard in relationships and Liza shows exactly how to do that. Definitely worth watching and re-watching!
A question that comes to my mind is whether modern technology, (specifically the Internet) haven't contribute to the dysfunction that is evident in so many relationships today? Great TED talk, thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this message. The pastor who married my ex and I advised us to never go to sleep nor part in anger. We followed that advice for 21 years but when we stopped, our disagreements took control & we divorced after 23 years of marriage.
thats not the root cause, wont both of you appreciate that you guys have proper settle management for past 21 years? the root ccause is somewhere else...
I love this. I think a lot of these things. I give and give and sometimes hope there will be reciprocation. I have expectations that leave me with resentments on my marriage which I am working on letting go. And going to bed angry is the best advice I have, because I feel differently in the morning and am less likely to say things I don't mean.
The comment on relying on one person to give you all your needs and happiness is the biggest falsehood imo. It creates an unrealistic expectation and a lot of pressure on one person. I think it’s up to you and you alone to find your happiness. Looking for that from a partner, a friend, a hobby, and family is a much better approach.
Come and talk to me when you've been married for 50 years and your husband just turns his hearing aid off because he doesn't think there's a problem! Do you honestly think no-one else has thought of these strategies/techniques? Simplistic and patronising but worth it for the hilarious redefinition of 'compromise ' (how'd that work out for you kids?).
well probably he doesnt turn if off suddenly after 50years, the issue started long ago, if after years you cant find a fix and you still stayed, then who is to be blame?
This is an Excellent TED talk on Marriage. I really liked the approach of Old Model vs New Model to reflect and have a huge paradigm shift that will help create a beautiful marriage for any one who is committed to practice the New Model approach. Thank you for helping us with your new insights.
I love the commitment between a couple. If you I don’t feel compromising I don’t even start a relationship. I disagree totally with you. I am married solidly to someone because we do have a compromise and we both allow the other to be.
I agree. I think different people have different ideas of what "compromise" means, especially in such a complex scenario as a marriage. The example she gave of picking something to watch on TV seemed really trivial and oversimplified to me. I'm happy to compromise on what is on the TV, not happy to compromise on things that ACTUALLY MATTER to my relationship with my spouse. Compromise can mean turn-taking like she said, and I think that is generally bad for relationships, but it can also mean considering the other person's wants and needs and weighing them up against your own. For example, I don't get on with my in-laws and don't love visiting them, but I appreciate that my spouse needs to spend time maintaining relationships with his family so I go. Some people would call that compromise but to me that's just being sensitive to the fact that my partner is a human being with feelings just like me. Empathy is key in a relationship. Selfishness is a lack of empathy. As long as you don't hurt your partner, you can follow your own dreams and support them in theirs. The way she worded her message about selfishness and codependency was confusing at best to people who don't know what a successful relationship looks like.
@@hannahmcintosh5343 what she meant being selfish in that example was like she give x3, then expect a return, the benefit for that return is self, therefore selfish, because if you give thinking of what you can get later, thats selfish, your example of selfish is also correct, selfish can be in many things and situations, she is describing one situation.
I suppose if you go into a relationship always thinking, me me me me me me me, and expecting someone else to "complete you, you're already set up for an unhappy relationship and venomous divorce.
This was so disturbing!!! I have to worry about her clients. Sure, those who say, "But I give and I give and I never get anything back!" may SOMETIMES be "self-centered," but they also MAY be the very opposite of "self-centered." They may be sacrificing themselves, for years, for the sake of abusive partners, and one day wake up and find they've been backed into a corner now that they've sacrificed career, money and allies to make the partner happy or "the relationship work," and that now that there's nothing left, they themselves are no longer useful and are being discarded by the personality-disordered abuser. Right, IF you are a good person, it doesn't feel good to be all about "ME," and it feels terrible to be accused of being selfish and self-centered, but abusers take advantage of this fact to make good people feel guilty about questioning the imbalance in contributions to the relationship. This speaker should have made a huge caveat about narcissists especially, and maybe border-lines and other disordered people, because in those cases at least, following her model is soul-destroying.
She uses this sentence as an example of how 'the old model' can make you think/act. She does not say, everbody under the impression of giving more than he/she gets is self-centered. She proposes general concepts and ideas opposed to old widespread ideas - they can't apply to absolutely everyone or every situation, especially if there are mental-health-issues involved. I believe especially the old 'Every partner is responsible for his/her partner's happiness'-model is really dangerous when it comes to abuse. To me, the other side of the true contribution coin is: Don't do something, if you would only do it to get something in return. (I missed this in the talk.) This mindset also makes one less vulnerable to manipulation, I think. Since this talk is actually about changing the understanding of how a good/healthy relationship works, I understand why it does not include 'unfixable' relationship problems. But I want to thank you for bringing this topic up, though! You seem like a good person :)
I think the purpose is for both people to adjust their thought process. Not just the one person. I know multiple couples where both feel they are constantly giving and not receiving. When they argue they do exactly what she says which is pull out their stack of “good deeds” they’ve done since the last argument. Most of the time the problem is that neither person feels that “good deed” was that great so they don’t appreciate it so to them no good deed actually happened. This causes further resentment because now you’re telling your partner that the deed they did is isn’t worth appreciation.
Why did you assume that she was talking about abusive relationships. Abusive relationships follow different dynamics. She was referring to the majority of normal relationships with no abuse. People who are not victims of abuse but keep giving because they only feel validated when they keep giving are selfish. They either follow the old model and what they were taught be older generations about how relationships work, or they think that people won't stay around them if they stop giving because they're preoccupied with not being alone rather than what the relationship needs to thrive or what the partner actually needs.
Sara Abaza I did not assume that that is what she is talking about, but rather wanted to flag the strong possibility (not inevitability) that any couple having problems poses a possibility that abuse is going on, so there are no general rules that always apply, which is exactly how these points are presented. Why does the therapist ASSUME both clients are normal and the relationship is normal? In my experience, marriage therapists don’t necessarily (or even usually) know one of the clients is a narcissist. Psychologists in general have almost no understanding of narcissism because such people do not seek treatment as individuals. In addition, a well-intentioned person seeking out and bothering to watch TEDx talks on improving their marriage likely does not yet know what the problem is and may be blaming him/herself for “not trying harder,” when that approach is simply never going to work. This talk’s simplistic if/then dogmatism can help to keep that kind of person stuck beyond a reasonable point of self-reflection and a healthy amount of self-doubt and appropriate sacrifice.
@@matrig6 You're assuming that she's assuming (both clients are normal) rather than doing what therapists are trained well to do during their education program which is to spot anomalous behavior such as abuse or emotional disorders and refer such a person to a medical professional that can mitigate such issues with meds or specialized therapy & intervention. In order to get one's MFT license one must go through months of ethics classes and legal education classes. If she were to counsel an abused person to compromise and 'just keep giving' she would risk legal ramifications. Also, this is simply a talk of wisdom based in compromise and co-created solutions. Anything in an abusive relationship will become poison...even wisdom...because compromise cannot be present in the face of narcissism and hatred unless the narcissist/abuser is changed from within or removed from the situation.
Here's the idea: Marriage licence should expire after 7 years(or something like that..). Every 7 years people should be able to "renew" their marriage, or if they don't want to, marriage will be finished. That way people will knew that eventually will be done, spare people a lot of hurt, they can expect it...I mean it would still hurt, but would be more bearable.
In the ancient celtic tradition, couples married or were "hand-fastened" for a year and a day. If they wished to stay together they repeated the ceremony and were married for 7 years. They had the option to marry each other again every 7 years. You are spot on
um...compromise would be finding something you both reasonably enjoy, whereas taking turns is what she calls compromise. Taking turns has worked for one couple i know, whereas compromise often means that neither watch what they would have really liked to.
Because women in marriages tend to fulfill other people's needs first before their own in many cases and it would be nice that this goes both ways ..... as noone can survive very long always giving and rarely receiving ..
So I think knowing facts and understanding each other s problems too helps us a lot and most importantly everyone s problems..thank you for giving this opportunity
I like the idea of helping students learn how to deal with pain through positive educational experiences, but she doesn't really give any concrete examples for the teachers out there of what that might look like. I think it's a little dangerous to suggest subjecting students to pain without giving any specific parameters. It's a good idea- hope someone fleshes it out somewhere.
Between 2:30 and 3:00? Yeah, that's plain wrong. People didn't mostly die at 35. A LOT of them reached 60 and seventy. The average lifespan, back in the olden days, was so short, because a LOT of children died at birth. And young mothers died at birth. The point is still somewhat valid: Marriages probably seldom lasted until the age of seventy mainly because your wife had a very good chance to die giving birth at one point or another. But if you take out all child deaths before the age of six months, average lifespan, even back when, was way longer.
cosmic waderer I am getting so tired of feminists and anti-feminists... I am just as tired of vegetarians, vegans and all the other social justice warriors.
Thank you! I was just typing the same thing. Such lazy "theory"-making, some research would have helped. "Just go to bed!" is spot on. Married 17 years and we've have never stayed up all night fighting. Sunrise is a great salve! The rest of this warm hug is prosaic nonsense. At least I can feel good that we're not missing anything revolutionary. Hardly "2.0"...
orangecucamonga It's better to address problems with a clear head while the topic is still on the forefront of your mind. IMO, the best thing is to sleep it over and discuss stuff the next day. I can also recommend doing so over whatsapp or something similar, as this allows you the time to read and reread comments and better formulate what you want to say. A face to face situation can put you under pressure and make you more prone to emotional outbursts.
I disagree with the premise that this is an old model vs. new model. I think successful marriages have always followed these principles. Sure, the "old model" paradigms do exist, but they tend to exist in platitudes passed out by popular culture or possibly people living an unexamined life with an unexamined marriage. New vs. Old? Not buying it. But it is all very good advice and sorely needed.
I am completely appalled by this lady's advice. No, it is not OKAY to be in a relationship with someone who hurts you. That is not okay. Sure, people make mistakes, but abusive behavior happens all too often and for her to claim we should teach kids from early on to accept hurt in relationships - is damaging at best. Has she not kept in touch with the statistics on relationship violence? If you are watching this, and happen to be in a relationship that drags you down, please read the book "The Gaslight Effect" and find your way out of the relationship if the behavior does not change. Send you all love and strength.
Had to take notes, some worthy thought here. The Bible verse that says 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath', I think, means calm down, turn to solution seeking. I think #3, make yourself happy, is truly true. Giving and serving make me feel tall.
I think Ted talks are meant to be general and not specific therefore to wherever is watching this who feels slighted, I’m sure her approach isn’t a one size fit all but imagine how difficult it is to summarise what you do in a 15min talk. It’s just not possible to do it without cutting some parts out and prioritising what she feels in her professional opinion is what’s important to put forth. For those feeling slighted, maybe try to take this with a grain of salt.
It’ll take work to intenalize the lessons given if you aren’t used to them but once you are sure and confident in yourself and know how to communicate open and honestly it shouldn’t be all to hard. There’ll be hard moments cuz that’s life but not all the times. If you’re in a “struggle relationship” it’s prob toxic.
Liza - you rocked this talk. Your content very good. Your. delivery is extraordinary. I am impressed and inspired. I would be excited to send clients to you. That is my highest praise.
true thats an important need in my opinion, which only an intimate relationship can quench. not just friends, family etc. and i think thats pretty healthy.
This can only work if you both have the intellectual capacity to implement it. Many people haven't even got past fulfilling their infantile needs. Why? because those infantile needs were never properly met in the first place, so they are stuck in that mode of still wanting/expecting them to be fulfilled.
The beginning of this is wrong, the first marriage was designed to be between a man and a woman. The first Marriage was performed by the ultimate judge Jehovah God, between the first man and woman Adam and Eve. He designed marriage to be lifelong and forever, never ending
i do not think we should accept hurt .. it is going to happen .. but then if the person really loves you they are going to try and change so that they do not hurt again .. if they don t or try,, the other person will have every reason to think that he.she does not give a damn and one day say : well i have had it .... and i am also all for compromise especially on important things .. we cannot compromise on everything .. but there are things that definitely require compromise of some sorts
Infant mortality rates dropped the average life expectancy drastically. In other words if you made it past your teens your life expectancy would be between 60 and 70 years, which is close to where it is now at 78 years of age. Marriage had a different lifespan back then because of the lack of rights on the female side of the marriage. Also getting divorced required permission from the husband and often times a priest or pope, depending upon the timeline in which you gather your data.
Definitely true if they don't pay attention to each others needs. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" as my mother used to say.
She means don't Sacrifice..compromise is not the same as sacrifice.. Being selfless is something that should be done constantly throughout the relationship.
That was funny - anybody wants to get hurt?😄😁 if yes then my answer is get married because that's what I have learned and experienced.. very practical session but people are not even interested to see this and understand it. And even if it reaches it's too late. It disturbs the human. Best is to stay away single.
She has a wrong idea of what compromise really is. Healthy compromise in a romantic relationship isn't to expect that something (an specified event) will happen, but to do what is possible so the relationship goes on, respecting oneself and the partner
Yes, to say that compromise is bad is not reality. Even in her example of watching a different TV show, they had to compromise because their real desire was to watch the first show they picked. If you can’t learn to compromise without scorekeeping, you’ll have a short marriage.
I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.
Brothers and sisters: You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth. Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light. Therefore, it says: “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” The Word of the Lord… Thanks be to God! WROTE BY, RICHARD ELIAS ❤🌹🙏🌿
That was the worst ted talk I’ve ever heard so far. “Marriage last 10-30 years in old model” first of all - that’s extremely broad. Second of all people get married way later in life nowdays so if u r married in ur thirties early forties here comes ur birthday 10-30 again. Lastly- “meet all ur own needs” no, in marriage like any other social interaction it’s an exchange. Actually, if I start breaking it down this whole talk doesn’t stand a chance logically
Oh lord, another person who confuses the mean with the mode. The average life expectancy was about 35 because so many children died - not because adults were dying young! Come on, think!! And I think she's got her definition of compromise a bit wrong.
Yeah I think she's mixing up the definition of compromise with sacrifice. Sacrifice adds up and causes resentment. But compromise is finding the best option that will make everyone happy to some extent.
One question, if you are supposed to be fulfilled without the other person in the relationship, why go through the drama of being in one? You enter into a relationship because you are not complete without someone. It's a nice sentiment, just not based in reality. You can try to change yourself all you want but at the end of the day you are in the relationship because you are missing something that you can't get without someone else.
If you are totally happy internally, you have no desires. But it's possible to be a bit less than totally happy, without being unhappy, to leave room for desire... if that is what you want.
Dear Liza, you should use the fitting term hypothesis, not theory! Hypothesis is something that you are not sure about, therefore you are going to investigate and find arguments that support your thesis.
Marriage wasn’t invented, it was intended! From the beginning, Adam and Eve. And actually people lived a lot longer way back then. Only during the “dark times” people lived to only 30. But.. other than that.. most of the talk had points to take with you.
SunnyDays I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.
@@AmadeuShinChan you could just walk away from the apartment instead of hitting back, it never ends good for males.. Clearly your ex partner though the old paradigm true
@@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje i could not "just walk away from the apartment" because she blocked the door and the windows. Thanks for the consideration. I am now re-structuring my life. We meet people that mirror us something. In my case it was the playing of the "blame-game". Now i just forgive everyone, no matter how hurtful it may be. That way, i hope to never get into a situation, like the one stated earlier any more. Kudos.
so if i can fulfill all my needs by myself, what's the meaning of finding a spouse other than to reproduce. Especially she says hurt is inevitable in marriage 🙃
Compromise is what makes a marriage work. People actually lived longer back then. We are actually living less. I guess because she is sitting down and isn't using enough hand gestures.
Comprise isn't point scoring with me. It sounds very American. If you was to try a relationship UK/East asia then there is a lot of things you just have to accept it and do certain things as we are virtually worlds apart in cultures. Just accept that you are different. You don't get points or gold stars for anything. Points.... We at not kids. Relax
Some great advice. Perhaps missing the sexual aspect. We all have sexual needs in our relationships and these can't always be fulfilled alone. We can fulfil to some extent with self pleasure (pleasuring the WHOLE body, not just the genitals) but those sexual needs will always come to pass unless you are asexual. Thanks Liza!
I came here to comment that. When marriage became popular people were already living for 50+ years usualy 60 and the low average life span is mostly just because of the high mortality rate of babies and children and sickness but mostly people who grew up healhty still lived till 60
Man... comment section in this video was 7 years ago... think ... situations is really bad now... People are so independent and individual that no one want to live in the families... No-one want to sacrifice there life for spouse/childrens... In this modern technology era people are so materialistic... just wait for A.I. it will definitely change definition of love and relationship. That most people will die alone... Most people will pay Nurses to die in their arms...
She doesn't feel very excited about the subject. It feels like a lecture at the University, full of statistics. The subject is very important but she reads a lot.
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I love this video so much! Star Heartsong here 👋, just discovering this video in 2024. It resonates with me so much. 17 years ago, I was a Lecturer at MIT and I taught a course on the philosophy of love and imagination. 8 years ago, I had a profound spiritual awakening that I am still integrating to this day. This video came to me by synchronicity, and it feels so right, so true, in accord with my organically grown beliefs. 1) Hurt is normal, it's here for our growth, allow yourself to feel safe enough inside yourself to be hurt, and to grow. Hurt is the medicine. The white lotus of awakening grows from the poo at the bottom of the pond after all. 2) No need to compromise. Once you have done enough self work and you know yourself and you feel you are living ON your purpose, which is also called dharma, then you do you boo. And two divine processes always find a solution. Don't take the bait to compromise who you are, once you love who you truly are. 3) Go to bed. Trust that the divine process will do its work and stay open or non-attached to the outcome.
Some of the things make more sense than others, at least to me, but the "don't go to bed angry" does not mean you need to keep fighting it until exaustion, it means you should know that as angry as you may be, the bed is a sacred place and you need to tell yourself that whatever it is you are fighting about, it can be dealt with another time. Bedtime is a sacred moment for marriage and it takes a concious decition to hug each other in bed, even if you are so angry you don't want to talk at all. Just take a shower, put some perfume you like, and go hug each other in bed, nothing else, just hug or hold hands if that is all you feel like giving that day, but remember to simply let the problem go for tonight, because neither of you really know if you are going to wake up tomorrow. If you make it a ritual of your relationship to never argue in bed, take concious steps to touch each other before sleep, and simply let anger wait for tomorrow, you may find that tomorrow you don't Even remember what you were so angry about. Never underestimate the power of touch, of being clean and smelling each other while you simply hold hands. Be angry with the action or problem itself, not with the human flesh behind it.
I love this "it takes one to break old patterns." The person who stops keeping score and chooses peace over war - that's the person who changes the world. A major theme in my favourite anime Naruto Shippuden ;-)
She talks about being selfless and it is a nice approach but at certain point you are going to feel used and taken advantage of. Best thing to do is to know your partner as much as you can before you marry him. And please, forget about the false hope expectations that romantic movies sometimes condition us. The subliminal message is ingrained in our minds and we don’t even realize it.
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True and I think it also has to come from both parties. You feel used when it’s only you compromising and the other doesn’t
ya if u feel used just stop giving, and when they ask why, you just say you are tired from giving..if you still want to give if your heart tells you to then do so, but dont expect a return.
Compromise - an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
"an ability to listen to two sides in a dispute, and devise a compromise acceptable to both".
When she's saying Compromise is, is not the definition above, she's explaining "give and take". Then she's explaining whats better, witch is COMPROMISING!
Great advice if you are in a relationship with someone who is growing and teachable also... narcissistic people will take and take until you disappear and then be upset because you stopped meeting their needs. 💕
The question is what in you made the choice to be with a narcissistic person in a relationship? You chose, by not walking away.
@@donnachazanov4641 Being a sensitive person.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398being a sensitive person isn't the answer... because how are you empowered to take action from that? Not be sensitive? No.
There are plenty of sensitive (and that is a broad array of definitions, but I won't get into that here) people, who are not attracted to, nor attract, narcissists.
Narcissists like people who don't have a firm sense of who they are. Narcissists like people who don't have good boundaries. Narcissists like people who will give up their needs for the narcissists. Narcissists like people they can manipulate.
People who tolerate narcissists, actually treat themselves the way a narcissist will. To explain further...if you have negative self talk, internal dialogue, you'll more likely tolerate someone talking negatively to you. You might not like it, but you're more likely to tolerate it. If you don't have self trust, the narcissist will feed into (and off of) that too. If you have a core wound of unworthiness, the narcissist can get in easily.
Those are just a handful of examples.
Usually, these ways of relating to oneself, started in childhood. Our primary caregiver (s) condition is in certain ways. That isn't our fault. However, when we realize that we are continuing it to ourselves...it is our responsibility, to self advocate, heal, change our relationship to ourselves, and be empowered. We then can communicate our boundaries, needs, with no apologies, but with confidence, knowing we have a right to be here. That, that, is narcissist repellent.
Mixed feelings about this. Learning to deal with pain and hurt instead of avoiding it is key, very important for *all* of society. Learn to effectively deal with it, instead of just getting upset, offended, angry... which is completely unhelpful and useless, but that's what everyone does now. Compromise... this one is a bit short-sighted. She just says there's always a solution where both people are happy. Nonsense. There's very often not a better solution, and then the choice is either compromise, decide who is going to get their way... or get divorced. Example: have kids (or another kid) or don't. If one wants to and the other doesn't, there's no "great option" where everyone wins. "Don't go to bed angry" has been told to me by so many successful, happy old couples than any other piece of marriage advice. "It only takes one person to change: You" is somewhat true, but there's still two "yous" in the relationship, and sometimes, even if you're doing everything you can to grow and make things better, the other person might actually be the problem. See: abusive relationships. No amount of change on your part is going to fix the fact that you're being abused.
This is only true if your partner is also not in need and a sane person. I had a husband that was going mental over small things, being irrational and aggressive. You just cannot deal with such people on a rational basis. It also takes just one person to destroy a marriage.
How is compromising a bad idea? In my relationship we both make it work and listen to each other. When we compromise, we both feel happy and close to each other. Btw, finding what both of you want to watch is in fact a compromise. There are different ways of compromising. Being able to talk to each other and listen without judgement is also a form of compromising. This lady is only talking about one version of compromising and she’s talking about a failed compromise, not exactly how compromising actually works.
I think it depends on your definition here. If comprise means: “both of us are equally unhappy” it might not be the way to go. If you go for “we both win” it might be great.
What I got from this:
Hurt is inevitable, you should expect that someone will hurt you eventually, Prepare to love them regardless
Don’t compromise, find new agreements, stop keeping score it leads to resentment.
Don’t expect your husband or wife to be your source of fulfillment, Only Jehovah can fulfill that hole in your heart, focus on what you can contribute the person what you can give not what they can give you theres no resentment if you realize they cant give you anything that will make you feel whole
Contribute to the other person, don’t expect a constant give and take it leads to resentment be selfless, need is not a gift
Just go to Bed, sleep on it, ask yourself what are you contributing to the relationship, is it anger? That’s pointless, sleep calm down and focus on new creative solutions to your challenges.
Its takes one to break old patterns, it takes you to change to make things better, not the other person
Life changing outlooks on how to treat our husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers, friends, strangers you have conflict with everyone you have interactions with, love it.
Where did she mention Jehovah?
☆Compromise bad for a marriage
☆ Agree on one thing
☆ Contribute
What is one contributing
Be selfless all needs are met
☆ Dont go to bed angry
it takes one
This is worth 18 minutes to listen to and have a dialogue with your partner. ( and your children)
What makes it longlife is sincerity. Just give everything while u can, n always to try so hard that when you lose them u know uve done anything u can to maintain the relationship. And always remember that whats meant to happen will happen anyhow.
Liza is a complete person. Intelligent, articulate, reasonable and attractive. She's got a lucky husband.
my right ear is not happy with this video
I thought it was just me lol
I thought my headphones were broken!
😂
I thought something wasn't right ! I was listening whilst driving and thought bluetooth disconnected, and I was listening to this via phone speakers. I didn't know the right/left sound issue would be on bluetooth too !
Rakesh Narang thought I was tripping for a sec. Had to play some music really quick and check my headphones to make sure I wasn’t bugging
This information is so good and when you hear it makes such perfect sense that you wonder why it is not obvious to all people in relationships. I’ve certainly struggled in the old model Liza describes and the hurt and/or anger occurs to me now as wasted energy (not that I’m beating myself up about it - you live, you learn, and the lesson or knowledge gained is in the contrast between experiences). I love the self-empowerment and contribution aspects of the Liza’s new model - it truly embodies love. So glad Liza is sharing her message!
Empowering ideas for a healthy relationship. Liza brings awareness of the old ideas and expectations in relationships. Out with the old and in with the new, I see myself listening to this talk often!
Just watched this and I liked her...great points!!
I also believe it works in our marriage , after a fight just go to sleep , relax and then discuss the problem in morning or whenever time permits but on next day itself , you get time to think what went wrong , and your partner gets time to go through his problem .. ...anger is gone now like normal adults discuss what triggered you or him to lose the cool...but discuss it dont let go
The thing is we cannot completely obliterate ourselves in a marraige .. there should be some kind of balance for a healthy happyness and satisfaction
I watched this two days ago and have been thinking about it ever since, sharing it with friends wherever I can.
My compromise consisted of telling my (now ex) wife,"do you know what? I think you're right and I was wrong." What I got in return was, "bullsh--, David, you are not going to agree with me just to avoid an argument!"
glad you got out of that one!
:)
David Craig 😢 Wow.
90% of the argument resolution was understanding the other person.
James Craig How would you handle this kind of situation(it take 2 to argue) your partner takes your keys. you can't drive to work you can't take child to school. You inform them you need the keys.they do not agree.do you miss work tell your child no school today.Or tell your partner this is not right.people are not always that simple.hopefully you never have to deal with this in your relationship.
She makes it feel like I should struggle all the way in a relationship and my partner should do nothing...like it’s all on me. Woman, if I wanted it to be all on me I wouldn’t be in a relationship first of all
Couldn't agree more!I don't see the new models (alternative solutions) she has proposed make any sense.Seems like the secret of marriage relies on one part's selfless sacrifice.her choice of words true contribution.what is difference between this theory and the happy marriage is compromise. in general her talk makes me feel angry ,I was hoping to find a new path when I read her headline of the talk.disappointed.
Excellent talk with really powerful ideas! More people need to hear this message -- both single people and married couples. I don't think most people realize just how sick and dysfunctional modern relationships are. We all need to start holding ourselves to a higher standard in relationships and Liza shows exactly how to do that. Definitely worth watching and re-watching!
I agree
A question that comes to my mind is whether modern technology, (specifically the Internet) haven't contribute to the dysfunction that is evident in so many relationships today? Great TED talk, thanks for sharing.
I'm 38, where was this talk when I was in my twenties? WUAHHHHHHHH
I think she is amazing. Solid advice in my opinion and I feel I can relate 100% not sure what the rest of you are talking about.
Thank you for this message.
The pastor who married my ex and I advised us to never go to sleep nor part in anger. We followed that advice for 21 years but when we stopped, our disagreements took control & we divorced after 23 years of marriage.
Kim Johnson - How sad. I’m sorry for you.
😞
thats not the root cause, wont both of you appreciate that you guys have proper settle management for past 21 years? the root ccause is somewhere else...
i just have to open my mind...both my ears are happy with this video.
I love this. I think a lot of these things. I give and give and sometimes hope there will be reciprocation. I have expectations that leave me with resentments on my marriage which I am working on letting go. And going to bed angry is the best advice I have, because I feel differently in the morning and am less likely to say things I don't mean.
The comment on relying on one person to give you all your needs and happiness is the biggest falsehood imo. It creates an unrealistic expectation and a lot of pressure on one person. I think it’s up to you and you alone to find your happiness. Looking for that from a partner, a friend, a hobby, and family is a much better approach.
Come and talk to me when you've been married for 50 years and your husband just turns his hearing aid off because he doesn't think there's a problem!
Do you honestly think no-one else has thought of these strategies/techniques?
Simplistic and patronising but worth it for the hilarious redefinition of 'compromise ' (how'd that work out for you kids?).
I agree with you
well probably he doesnt turn if off suddenly after 50years, the issue started long ago, if after years you cant find a fix and you still stayed, then who is to be blame?
This is an Excellent TED talk on Marriage. I really liked the approach of Old Model vs New Model to reflect and have a huge paradigm shift that will help create a beautiful marriage for any one who is committed to practice the New Model approach. Thank you for helping us with your new insights.
Great video. And, commenters, please look for the positive and what you can learn from each person instead of the mistake that was made.
learn never to listen to her again.
@@lisettecallis5329 May have struck a cord.
Thank you for this, personally and professionally your talk was an amazing gift. Peace.
I love the commitment between a couple. If you I don’t feel compromising I don’t even start a relationship.
I disagree totally with you.
I am married solidly to someone because we do have a compromise and we both allow the other to be.
I agree. I think different people have different ideas of what "compromise" means, especially in such a complex scenario as a marriage. The example she gave of picking something to watch on TV seemed really trivial and oversimplified to me. I'm happy to compromise on what is on the TV, not happy to compromise on things that ACTUALLY MATTER to my relationship with my spouse. Compromise can mean turn-taking like she said, and I think that is generally bad for relationships, but it can also mean considering the other person's wants and needs and weighing them up against your own. For example, I don't get on with my in-laws and don't love visiting them, but I appreciate that my spouse needs to spend time maintaining relationships with his family so I go. Some people would call that compromise but to me that's just being sensitive to the fact that my partner is a human being with feelings just like me. Empathy is key in a relationship. Selfishness is a lack of empathy. As long as you don't hurt your partner, you can follow your own dreams and support them in theirs. The way she worded her message about selfishness and codependency was confusing at best to people who don't know what a successful relationship looks like.
@@hannahmcintosh5343 what she meant being selfish in that example was like she give x3, then expect a return, the benefit for that return is self, therefore selfish, because if you give thinking of what you can get later, thats selfish, your example of selfish is also correct, selfish can be in many things and situations, she is describing one situation.
Thoroughly enjoyed this talk! Liza shared some very empowering ideas and will coming back to listen to often.
I suppose if you go into a relationship always thinking, me me me me me me me, and expecting someone else to "complete you, you're already set up for an unhappy relationship and venomous divorce.
I thought my earphone broke
This was so disturbing!!! I have to worry about her clients. Sure, those who say, "But I give and I give and I never get anything back!" may SOMETIMES be "self-centered," but they also MAY be the very opposite of "self-centered." They may be sacrificing themselves, for years, for the sake of abusive partners, and one day wake up and find they've been backed into a corner now that they've sacrificed career, money and allies to make the partner happy or "the relationship work," and that now that there's nothing left, they themselves are no longer useful and are being discarded by the personality-disordered abuser. Right, IF you are a good person, it doesn't feel good to be all about "ME," and it feels terrible to be accused of being selfish and self-centered, but abusers take advantage of this fact to make good people feel guilty about questioning the imbalance in contributions to the relationship. This speaker should have made a huge caveat about narcissists especially, and maybe border-lines and other disordered people, because in those cases at least, following her model is soul-destroying.
She uses this sentence as an example of how 'the old model' can make you think/act. She does not say, everbody under the impression of giving more than he/she gets is self-centered.
She proposes general concepts and ideas opposed to old widespread ideas - they can't apply to absolutely everyone or every situation, especially if there are mental-health-issues involved.
I believe especially the old 'Every partner is responsible for his/her partner's happiness'-model is really dangerous when it comes to abuse.
To me, the other side of the true contribution coin is: Don't do something, if you would only do it to get something in return. (I missed this in the talk.) This mindset also makes one less vulnerable to manipulation, I think.
Since this talk is actually about changing the understanding of how a good/healthy relationship works, I understand why it does not include 'unfixable' relationship problems. But I want to thank you for bringing this topic up, though! You seem like a good person :)
I think the purpose is for both people to adjust their thought process. Not just the one person. I know multiple couples where both feel they are constantly giving and not receiving.
When they argue they do exactly what she says which is pull out their stack of “good deeds” they’ve done since the last argument. Most of the time the problem is that neither person feels that “good deed” was that great so they don’t appreciate it so to them no good deed actually happened. This causes further resentment because now you’re telling your partner that the deed they did is isn’t worth appreciation.
Why did you assume that she was talking about abusive relationships. Abusive relationships follow different dynamics. She was referring to the majority of normal relationships with no abuse. People who are not victims of abuse but keep giving because they only feel validated when they keep giving are selfish. They either follow the old model and what they were taught be older generations about how relationships work, or they think that people won't stay around them if they stop giving because they're preoccupied with not being alone rather than what the relationship needs to thrive or what the partner actually needs.
Sara Abaza I did not assume that that is what she is talking about, but rather wanted to flag the strong possibility (not inevitability) that any couple having problems poses a possibility that abuse is going on, so there are no general rules that always apply, which is exactly how these points are presented. Why does the therapist ASSUME both clients are normal and the relationship is normal? In my experience, marriage therapists don’t necessarily (or even usually) know one of the clients is a narcissist. Psychologists in general have almost no understanding of narcissism because such people do not seek treatment as individuals. In addition, a well-intentioned person seeking out and bothering to watch TEDx talks on improving their marriage likely does not yet know what the problem is and may be blaming him/herself for “not trying harder,” when that approach is simply never going to work. This talk’s simplistic if/then dogmatism can help to keep that kind of person stuck beyond a reasonable point of self-reflection and a healthy amount of self-doubt and appropriate sacrifice.
@@matrig6 You're assuming that she's assuming (both clients are normal) rather than doing what therapists are trained well to do during their education program which is to spot anomalous behavior such as abuse or emotional disorders and refer such a person to a medical professional that can mitigate such issues with meds or specialized therapy & intervention. In order to get one's MFT license one must go through months of ethics classes and legal education classes. If she were to counsel an abused person to compromise and 'just keep giving' she would risk legal ramifications. Also, this is simply a talk of wisdom based in compromise and co-created solutions. Anything in an abusive relationship will become poison...even wisdom...because compromise cannot be present in the face of narcissism and hatred unless the narcissist/abuser is changed from within or removed from the situation.
Here's the idea: Marriage licence should expire after 7 years(or something like that..). Every 7 years people should be able to "renew" their marriage, or if they don't want to, marriage will be finished. That way people will knew that eventually will be done, spare people a lot of hurt, they can expect it...I mean it would still hurt, but would be more bearable.
Interesting
And child should expire after 7 years? Come on guys
In the ancient celtic tradition, couples married or were "hand-fastened" for a year and a day. If they wished to stay together they repeated the ceremony and were married for 7 years. They had the option to marry each other again every 7 years. You are spot on
What a beautiful TED Talk. I wish there were more than one likes, I would definitely give. Loved the ideas. Thank you 🥰🥰♥♥
um...compromise would be finding something you both reasonably enjoy, whereas taking turns is what she calls compromise. Taking turns has worked for one couple i know, whereas compromise often means that neither watch what they would have really liked to.
Great presentation and such a wealth of wisdom! Thank you for sharing it with us, Liza! ❤️
Because women in marriages tend to fulfill other people's needs first before their own in many cases and it would be nice that this goes both ways ..... as noone can survive very long always giving and rarely receiving ..
So I think knowing facts and understanding each other s problems too helps us a lot and most importantly everyone s problems..thank you for giving this opportunity
I like the idea of helping students learn how to deal with pain through positive educational experiences, but she doesn't really give any concrete examples for the teachers out there of what that might look like. I think it's a little dangerous to suggest subjecting students to pain without giving any specific parameters. It's a good idea- hope someone fleshes it out somewhere.
Between 2:30 and 3:00? Yeah, that's plain wrong. People didn't mostly die at 35. A LOT of them reached 60 and seventy. The average lifespan, back in the olden days, was so short, because a LOT of children died at birth. And young mothers died at birth. The point is still somewhat valid: Marriages probably seldom lasted until the age of seventy mainly because your wife had a very good chance to die giving birth at one point or another.
But if you take out all child deaths before the age of six months, average lifespan, even back when, was way longer.
Feminists feel mathematics is oppressive. MAth, MAn do you see the problem? ( feminist logic).
cosmic waderer I am getting so tired of feminists and anti-feminists... I am just as tired of vegetarians, vegans and all the other social justice warriors.
Thank you! I was just typing the same thing. Such lazy "theory"-making, some research would have helped.
"Just go to bed!" is spot on. Married 17 years and we've have never stayed up all night fighting. Sunrise is a great salve!
The rest of this warm hug is prosaic nonsense. At least I can feel good that we're not missing anything revolutionary. Hardly "2.0"...
orangecucamonga It's better to address problems with a clear head while the topic is still on the forefront of your mind. IMO, the best thing is to sleep it over and discuss stuff the next day.
I can also recommend doing so over whatsapp or something similar, as this allows you the time to read and reread comments and better formulate what you want to say. A face to face situation can put you under pressure and make you more prone to emotional outbursts.
You neglect to mention that a lot of marriages in those days were arranged, and even when not, divorce was virtually never an option.
I disagree with the premise that this is an old model vs. new model. I think successful marriages have always followed these principles. Sure, the "old model" paradigms do exist, but they tend to exist in platitudes passed out by popular culture or possibly people living an unexamined life with an unexamined marriage. New vs. Old? Not buying it. But it is all very good advice and sorely needed.
Arley Cole Fair enough. Consider it more like a Mythbuster. She has good points.
I am completely appalled by this lady's advice. No, it is not OKAY to be in a relationship with someone who hurts you. That is not okay. Sure, people make mistakes, but abusive behavior happens all too often and for her to claim we should teach kids from early on to accept hurt in relationships - is damaging at best. Has she not kept in touch with the statistics on relationship violence? If you are watching this, and happen to be in a relationship that drags you down, please read the book "The Gaslight Effect" and find your way out of the relationship if the behavior does not change. Send you all love and strength.
I dont think she ment that kind of hurt. I think she was talking of getting our feelings hurt. Wich happens all the time even in a good marriage.
People didn't die in the age of 35 back then. It was average life length which means somebody died in the age of 3 and somebody in the age of 80🤦🏾♂️
Had to take notes, some worthy thought here. The Bible verse that says 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath', I think, means calm down, turn to solution seeking. I think #3, make yourself happy, is truly true. Giving and serving make me feel tall.
I think Ted talks are meant to be general and not specific therefore to wherever is watching this who feels slighted, I’m sure her approach isn’t a one size fit all but imagine how difficult it is to summarise what you do in a 15min talk. It’s just not possible to do it without cutting some parts out and prioritising what she feels in her professional opinion is what’s important to put forth. For those feeling slighted, maybe try to take this with a grain of salt.
Why does this marriage stuff have to be so hard .... why is it even worth it? When I come home from work, I want work to be OVER!!!!
It’ll take work to intenalize the lessons given if you aren’t used to them but once you are sure and confident in yourself and know how to communicate open and honestly it shouldn’t be all to hard. There’ll be hard moments cuz that’s life but not all the times. If you’re in a “struggle relationship” it’s prob toxic.
Ones main work is in the family . Work outside of the family is just a job to make money that you can concentrate on the relationships
Mainly marriage should be a guarantee for children to be with their parents ,it's a traumatic feeling for children to be separated and replaced .
Simple and to the point! Great talk.
Liza - you rocked this talk. Your content very good. Your. delivery is extraordinary. I am impressed and inspired. I would be excited to send clients to you. That is my highest praise.
How can someone fulfill their own needs for connection intimicy and the need to be heard?
true thats an important need in my opinion, which only an intimate relationship can quench. not just friends, family etc. and i think thats pretty healthy.
This can only work if you both have the intellectual capacity to implement it. Many people haven't even got past fulfilling their infantile needs. Why? because those infantile needs were never properly met in the first place, so they are stuck in that mode of still wanting/expecting them to be fulfilled.
Every video on marriage should just say, good luck and it’s kind of a crapshoot
Muse California 😂😂😂😂😂😂👍🏻
"not compromising" could ruin a marriage, its only my opinion, but I reckonI am right.
Mostly down to the man to compromise for an easy life - imo.
wow, that new and good idea for a better relationship.
The beginning of this is wrong, the first marriage was designed to be between a man and a woman. The first Marriage was performed by the ultimate judge Jehovah God, between the first man and woman Adam and Eve. He designed marriage to be lifelong and forever, never ending
i do not think we should accept hurt .. it is going to happen .. but then if the person really loves you they are going to try and change so that they do not hurt again .. if they don t or try,, the other person will have every reason to think that he.she does not give a damn and one day say : well i have had it .... and i am also all for compromise especially on important things .. we cannot compromise on everything .. but there are things that definitely require compromise of some sorts
Infant mortality rates dropped the average life expectancy drastically. In other words if you made it past your teens your life expectancy would be between 60 and 70 years, which is close to where it is now at 78 years of age. Marriage had a different lifespan back then because of the lack of rights on the female side of the marriage. Also getting divorced required permission from the husband and often times a priest or pope, depending upon the timeline in which you gather your data.
Except for the fact that many women died young while giving birth.
Some of what she’s saying is gonna lead people to a divorce.
Definitely true if they don't pay attention to each others needs. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" as my mother used to say.
G g g by cgcg cc Xu cough cgcg
Don't compromise .....but then be selfless?
Yuri92001 one cannot evade paradox in man-woman-relationship IMHO.
She means don't Sacrifice..compromise is not the same as sacrifice.. Being selfless is something that should be done constantly throughout the relationship.
I think she means actually solve a problem rather than just taking turns giving in...
It actually is confusing and still makes no sense
That was funny - anybody wants to get hurt?😄😁 if yes then my answer is get married because that's what I have learned and experienced..
very practical session but people are not even interested to see this and understand it. And even if it reaches it's too late. It disturbs the human. Best is to stay away single.
Looks like she is the best person to be married to. :)
what a shame on the comments......great video.....not 2 good of a sound...but great content
This TEDx Talks feels exactly as a class in school by the teacher with new ideas but just slamming them against the old ones.
She has a wrong idea of what compromise really is. Healthy compromise in a romantic relationship isn't to expect that something (an specified event) will happen, but to do what is possible so the relationship goes on, respecting oneself and the partner
Yes, to say that compromise is bad is not reality. Even in her example of watching a different TV show, they had to compromise because their real desire was to watch the first show they picked. If you can’t learn to compromise without scorekeeping, you’ll have a short marriage.
I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.
My ex-wife tried to kill me. She went to jail. Then she tried to kill my mom. Guess who the courts gave my son to? (hint: not me)
This is why the life expectancy of marriages are different in the modern era.
Thank you
Brothers and sisters: You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth. Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light. Therefore, it says: “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”
The Word of the Lord… Thanks be to God!
WROTE BY, RICHARD ELIAS ❤🌹🙏🌿
That was the worst ted talk I’ve ever heard so far. “Marriage last 10-30 years in old model” first of all - that’s extremely broad. Second of all people get married way later in life nowdays so if u r married in ur thirties early forties here comes ur birthday 10-30 again. Lastly- “meet all ur own needs” no, in marriage like any other social interaction it’s an exchange. Actually, if I start breaking it down this whole talk doesn’t stand a chance logically
Oh lord, another person who confuses the mean with the mode. The average life expectancy was about 35 because so many children died - not because adults were dying young! Come on, think!!
And I think she's got her definition of compromise a bit wrong.
Yeah I think she's mixing up the definition of compromise with sacrifice. Sacrifice adds up and causes resentment. But compromise is finding the best option that will make everyone happy to some extent.
@@Klfo777 Works for me and my lovely ex-fiancée :-) We are into our fortieth year together.
Still trying to understand what she said.
One question, if you are supposed to be fulfilled without the other person in the relationship, why go through the drama of being in one? You enter into a relationship because you are not complete without someone. It's a nice sentiment, just not based in reality. You can try to change yourself all you want but at the end of the day you are in the relationship because you are missing something that you can't get without someone else.
If you are totally happy internally, you have no desires. But it's possible to be a bit less than totally happy, without being unhappy, to leave room for desire... if that is what you want.
you can have some things meet by your spouse but not everything.
Mind blown!!!!!!!! This was game changingly helpful!!!!
Dear Liza, you should use the fitting term hypothesis, not theory! Hypothesis is something that you are not sure about, therefore you are going to investigate and find arguments that support your thesis.
What if your contribution is never enough for your partner?
Right!? Ok. Well then....LEAVE!
if they arent telling you what they need from you then thats a different story
Marriage wasn’t invented, it was intended!
From the beginning, Adam and Eve.
And actually people lived a lot longer way back then.
Only during the “dark times” people lived to only 30.
But.. other than that.. most of the talk had points to take with you.
Adam and Eve did not exist. You might be confusing a story book with history.
Golden nugget at 17:30!
SunnyDays I wasnot allowed to leave by the partner (no flight), so tried to JUST go to bed. Next moment i got hit and what choice other than hittiting back (fight) was i left with? now being portrayed as a criminal by that person, smh not allowed to see my daughter.
@@AmadeuShinChan you could just walk away from the apartment instead of hitting back, it never ends good for males.. Clearly your ex partner though the old paradigm true
@@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje i could not "just walk away from the apartment" because she blocked the door and the windows. Thanks for the consideration. I am now re-structuring my life. We meet people that mirror us something. In my case it was the playing of the "blame-game". Now i just forgive everyone, no matter how hurtful it may be. That way, i hope to never get into a situation, like the one stated earlier any more. Kudos.
Great talk. Thank you
Excellent!
so if i can fulfill all my needs by myself, what's the meaning of finding a spouse other than to reproduce. Especially she says hurt is inevitable in marriage 🙃
Compromise is what makes a marriage work. People actually lived longer back then. We are actually living less. I guess because she is sitting down and isn't using enough hand gestures.
There is a Ted talk on hand gestures being used to engage with your listeners. I'm sorry this talk is just dragging.
That was excellent great information new fresh
Comprise isn't point scoring with me. It sounds very American.
If you was to try a relationship
UK/East asia then there is a lot of things you just have to accept it and do certain things as we are virtually worlds apart in cultures. Just accept that you are different. You don't get points or gold stars for anything. Points.... We at not kids. Relax
Cannot hear the audio of the video
Some great advice. Perhaps missing the sexual aspect. We all have sexual needs in our relationships and these can't always be fulfilled alone. We can fulfil to some extent with self pleasure (pleasuring the WHOLE body, not just the genitals) but those sexual needs will always come to pass unless you are asexual.
Thanks Liza!
Amazing Best Advise Ever
People actually didn’t live a whole lot shorter back then
I came here to comment that. When marriage became popular people were already living for 50+ years usualy 60 and the low average life span is mostly just because of the high mortality rate of babies and children and sickness but mostly people who grew up healhty still lived till 60
Man... comment section in this video was 7 years ago... think ... situations is really bad now...
People are so independent and individual that no one want to live in the families...
No-one want to sacrifice there life for spouse/childrens...
In this modern technology era people are so materialistic... just wait for A.I. it will definitely change definition of love and relationship.
That most people will die alone...
Most people will pay Nurses to die in their arms...
She doesn't feel very excited about the subject. It feels like a lecture at the University, full of statistics. The subject is very important but she reads a lot.
the audio is giving me a headache but i have to watch this for school fml
She forgets freeze. It's fight flight or freeze
No not freeze. It is fright ☺
People always conflate avrg lifespan with people all dying at that number, noit just wasn't like that
I don't know a happy couple or people who are loyal friends
How sad.
As soon as an "expert" starts a sentence with "I think". 😂