Compersion has quite the snowball effect in our polycule. When we all get together (to play dnd of course), just seeing how happy my husband and his girlfriend are when they’re together brings SO much joy to her husband and I, which in turn melts my boyfriend’s heart when he sees how happy I am. Everyone wins!
@@davidc9396 I disagree it's origin maybe biochemical but what you end up doing it with it can be subject to your will if you decide it should be infinite it can be if you decide it's limited again that's what you've chosen. As with most things your mileage may vary, I prefer to think that my attitude is more productive and beneficial.
After 7 years a marriage and 3-5 years of conversations, my partner and I decided to act on our individual polyamorus natures. I can say that learning to find joy in my partner's joy made all the difference.
I watched this when I was first thinking about getting with my current girlfriend. She’s polyamorous and I’m not and I knew from the start I couldn’t date her unless I was okay with not being the only one. Needed to come back to this today because after a month and a half tonight she might be doing stuff with a friend and we’ve talked about boundaries and all of that, but the jealousy I’ve been trying not to feel when I think of her with someone else bubbled up. This talk really helps me to put things in perspective and be happy for her, but the jealousy is still so hard!
Don't apologize, and don't make anyone make you feel bad. You're normal, and honestly, while I applaud your ex for being honest and sneaking around behind your back, with monogamous relationships, you want someone considerate of your feelings. You just weren't a match.
Thank you for this revelation often we have shame about feeling jealous because society taught us not to embrace negative feelings,we always dismiss these important feelings by being told to get over it
Brilliant talk, thank you so much. This was so helpful for me as someone who is only aware of experiencing jealousy a handful of times in their life and today was unsure what to do with the feeling when it came up.
Thanks. I just learned this word today, and I'm very intrigued. For years I tried to express this in creative work but without a word for it it's a bit of a challenge!
Think about what you are actually jealous about. I stop and think about what is the problem behind it. Usually it's a misunderstanding or communication issue. Ie I like to know who he is talking to, I don't need details but at least a "hey I'm talking to this person" gives me a heads up so I'm not blind sided in other situations.
If you’re going to participate in this lifestyle.. absolutely.. no secrets or lies.. I’m not sure how I feel about it for myself as I’ve participated but the only thing that truly turned into a nightmare was being lied to and uninformed …
The key to not being jealousy is learning discipline, I'm someone that's been given the gift of not being capable of jealousy, I've been cheated on and it didnt effect me at all.
That’s incredible, Steven. I inherently lean heavily towards compersion, too. My ex found a new partner shortly after our 14-year split, and I was instantly happy for her. What a joy to feel that instead of seething anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.
The key to not being jealous is empathy. Besides, if you were gifted with being incapable of jealousy then where does the discipline come in to play? Kung-fu?
Hi Joli, I support you with this. ❤️ This enlight my ways! Thanks wherever u are. Jealousy is a simple information now that says I love someone. And at the same time to not be critical with myself by feeling it because there's more than the despair and that is the love itself. My ancestors are happy for the news.
Validation Comes from Within! Imo' Jealousy is a 'Choice' Via Allowing an External to Mal' Adaptivley Override Your 'what should be' Own Intentionally Maintained State of Peacefully Connective and Competent Well Being. True Compersion is Accountably and By My Choice- 'Your Joy' Adds To My Joy of You!' Advanced Mentalities Get This🌈🌎🌍🌏🌌 Fantastic Presentation' Thank You!
Compersion. I experience it in the sense of letting go. If there is a legitimate reason for me to truly be jealous.....its time to let go. Some people live for the drama. I live for the peace. One person at a time or by myself.
It totally can be, but it can also be a multitude of things. Could be the fear that your partners partner is better than you or more fulfilling than you, even if you know you aren’t going to lose your partner. Could also be the feeling of insecurities in the same sense.
I don't get jealous or scared,my form of discipline teaches fearlessness, the hitch is most of society could not manage to survive my methods, they lack compassion or mercy, the methods are cold and ruthless, but the results are stellar.
Again, a young person. News flash, this generation did not invent this lifestyle. Where are the old people? This goes against our primal instincts. The reality is we want and deserve the love of one person. Someone who is our best friend and who we grow with. Jealousy is real, and justified, and trying to deny it is ridiculous. I'm watching this play out with a family member who thinks they have it under control. They do not.
@@ulquiXgrimm Neither is an instinct. Monogamy and non monogamy are adaptations to material conditions. Whatever makes a population more successful in surviving those conditions will become the typical practice.
Thing is, humans have always been bad at monogamy. Jealousy only being useful for keeping relational exclusivity in place. It's weird to me because in almost every other situation Jealousy is seen as a negative, even though it's natural. For example, jealousy between kids, or between coworkers. It's frowned upon. But when a guy is Jealous for their woman it seems all romantic. Its funny, jealousy I experience comes from not wanting to go against societal expectations for what is "cool" or "valid". Not wanting to be seen as a cuck or something. I'm single though, so Jealousy doesn't affect me much unless a girl is trying to get at me lol.
I strongly believe jealousy is more a byproduct of modernism and western culture than any biological drive or instinct. Based on our anatomy and innate social structures “hoarding” has not been a thing but rather a symptom of solitude and scarcity. The idea that we as a species exist to reproduce is highly limiting and myopic in human understanding; given how many other social species structured like ours operate and are built for collective co-habitation.
When you look at multi-cellular species that are clearly driven to reproduce (invasive species) they are clearly non-monogamous …they reproduce freely with anything remotely capable of production; genetics and gametes are left to battle it out, not the multi-cellular species itself. And with microorganisms …let’s just say stuff stuff gets interesting hahaha.
My thoughts exactly!! From an anthropological point of view we are apes, and in terms of earth age we are only 3 steps away from the tree (on a good day). I have not heard of shimpanzee tribes that tear into each other with jealousy, altough it is proven that they can feel it. I read an interesting article about how eastern cultures handle this. In shintoism, taoism and buddhism monogamy is not featured. In traditional japanese culture men could visit women, resulting children always belonged to the 'house' of the mother. Even during the shogunate era marriages between the powerful samurai families were first and foremost business unions. If offspring was conceived, the respective partners were free to do (discreetly) what they wanted. Even in the upper classes in the UK, where couples married for money and higher status, the general consensus was that if the wife did 'her duty to her lord' by providing an heir (and a spare), she was free to amuse herself.
Not sure I believe that polyamory is a stable construct. Sure,... Compersion is a real and powerful thing, but so is triangle dramas. Even if you're not jealous, there will always end up being one who is a little less a part of the relationship than the others. I'm also not really convinced open relationships are easy to make work, but swinging with your partner fueled by compersion does work and can really strengthen a relationship.
This woman seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, which is fine, but people are wired to have certain expectations of a partner if you're willing to commit to them, and that's ok too. Thoughtfulness and consideration of your partner are good qualities in a person.
I just don't know why our love object cares if we are jealous or not. It's just something that is felt and flees, so what does it matter? It's none of their business. They should be concerned about their own feelings, thoughts, repressions and trauma, not ours.
Compersion . Weird sounding word. Like the word Compassion drank a whole box of wine because none of your buisiness mommy is stressed out and if you had *hic just a little c-compersion then you would make the room stop spinning for mommy, ok?
Monogamy may not prevent jealousy, but it certainly prevents the things that jealousy stems from. Those things are realized, the bond is broken. I have yet to see a poly relationship where both partners are truly ok with it. And that's not okay. One person is always doing it for fear of losing the other. Sleeping around on someone who is devoted to you is never ethical. And you can never know for sure if they're truly ok with it or just scared of losing you. If this level of pain is better than staying in a relationship without it, what are you doing staying in that relationship? Isn't that more of an unhealthy attachment than just accepting that it's over and letting go?
I've seen plenty of them. Just because you haven't seen it, does not mean it doesn't exist. There are definitely a lot of people who do it for the wrong reasons, just as there are many people who are in monogamous relationships for the wrong reasons. It's not a structure issue, it's a human issue. Your bias and assumptions are definitely showing though. Monogamy does not prevent jealousy at all.
This is wrong. This lady just wants to be popular why she tried getting into TED Talk. There are too many psychology field superiority nerds (spiked culturally in these years) who're too focused on that notion of psychology-only aspect and deny the cultural and sociological aspect. What this lady is saying is instituting consent for people to be liberated from consequences and discouragement from selfish, irrational behaviors in what their behavior's implications on sociological aspect are (and with liberation these people will become reckless esp. to begin with they have much irrational tendencies) as if psychology alone is enough to explain everything. This is how you get Brexit: people from individuals like Richard Tice who start talking like this but who do not condemn social implications of what they're promoting! Don't give the TED floor to these such people who do not condemn and whose conscience is callous over negative social implications especially from irrational behaviors. This talk is trashtalk, TED.
I’ve always thought I was weird for not experiencing jealousy. But in reality it’s a superpower. I’ve had compersion in replace of jealousy.
Compersion has quite the snowball effect in our polycule. When we all get together (to play dnd of course), just seeing how happy my husband and his girlfriend are when they’re together brings SO much joy to her husband and I, which in turn melts my boyfriend’s heart when he sees how happy I am. Everyone wins!
Love is an infinite resource and the only one that expands as you use it...
Farts are a resource, and they expand when I expel them. Just saying.
@@kbanghart snerk...
Hardly. Love is biochemical reaction. It is finite.
@@kbanghart That was great!
@@davidc9396 I disagree it's origin maybe biochemical but what you end up doing it with it can be subject to your will if you decide it should be infinite it can be if you decide it's limited again that's what you've chosen. As with most things your mileage may vary, I prefer to think that my attitude is more productive and beneficial.
love this way of working through feelings towards joy and compassion instead of disgust and hate
Good luck with that.
After 7 years a marriage and 3-5 years of conversations, my partner and I decided to act on our individual polyamorus natures. I can say that learning to find joy in my partner's joy made all the difference.
Does it really matter? As long as they're happy either way.
Lol, how long did that last?😏
@jimmy gee I wonder…
@jimmy it was mutual
@@sarahalderman3126 still going strong
I watched this when I was first thinking about getting with my current girlfriend. She’s polyamorous and I’m not and I knew from the start I couldn’t date her unless I was okay with not being the only one. Needed to come back to this today because after a month and a half tonight she might be doing stuff with a friend and we’ve talked about boundaries and all of that, but the jealousy I’ve been trying not to feel when I think of her with someone else bubbled up. This talk really helps me to put things in perspective and be happy for her, but the jealousy is still so hard!
Don't apologize, and don't make anyone make you feel bad. You're normal, and honestly, while I applaud your ex for being honest and sneaking around behind your back, with monogamous relationships, you want someone considerate of your feelings. You just weren't a match.
Get out, the poly community does NOT need monogamous people breaking our hearts. Please just let us exist in peace😢
There are so many gems in this one talk. I need to watch this over and over, it’s so validating. We want to compersion, but it is very hard to get to!
Thank you for this revelation often we have shame about feeling jealous because society taught us not to embrace negative feelings,we always dismiss these important feelings by being told to get over it
Brilliant talk, thank you so much. This was so helpful for me as someone who is only aware of experiencing jealousy a handful of times in their life and today was unsure what to do with the feeling when it came up.
Don't buy this bull. She's only looking to get lonely men with no selfworth will to pay her bills.
Thanks.
I just learned this word today, and I'm very intrigued. For years I tried to express this in creative work but without a word for it it's a bit of a challenge!
I needed this. Been struggling with jealousy and how to deal with it, lately.
Same
Me too
Think about what you are actually jealous about. I stop and think about what is the problem behind it. Usually it's a misunderstanding or communication issue. Ie I like to know who he is talking to, I don't need details but at least a "hey I'm talking to this person" gives me a heads up so I'm not blind sided in other situations.
If you’re going to participate in this lifestyle.. absolutely.. no secrets or lies.. I’m not sure how I feel about it for myself as I’ve participated but the only thing that truly turned into a nightmare was being lied to and uninformed …
The key to not being jealousy is learning discipline, I'm someone that's been given the gift of not being capable of jealousy, I've been cheated on and it didnt effect me at all.
That’s incredible, Steven. I inherently lean heavily towards compersion, too. My ex found a new partner shortly after our 14-year split, and I was instantly happy for her. What a joy to feel that instead of seething anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.
The key to not being jealous is empathy. Besides, if you were gifted with being incapable of jealousy then where does the discipline come in to play? Kung-fu?
Yes, that’s how it works when you don’t actually care about the other person/people.
@@BraxEvansi don't think so. i've almost never experienced jealousy and i am very low empathy.
@@SpecialBlanketlow empathy , are you sociopath or that spectrum ?
Hi Joli, I support you with this. ❤️ This enlight my ways! Thanks wherever u are.
Jealousy is a simple information now that says I love someone. And at the same time to not be critical with myself by feeling it because there's more than the despair and that is the love itself. My ancestors are happy for the news.
If you really love someone and want them to experience woteva THEY want or desire then jealousy should not come into it.
@@yyxy.oncesaid I appreciate that, thanks for sharing
Thank you so much... I really needed this. Thank you, thank you.
I wish I could live a life like Sarek or Spock. Embracing logic, instead of emotions.
Validation Comes from Within!
Imo' Jealousy is a 'Choice' Via Allowing an External to Mal' Adaptivley Override Your 'what should be' Own Intentionally Maintained State of Peacefully Connective and Competent Well Being. True Compersion is Accountably and By My Choice- 'Your Joy' Adds To My Joy of You!' Advanced Mentalities Get This🌈🌎🌍🌏🌌 Fantastic Presentation' Thank You!
Compersion. I experience it in the sense of letting go. If there is a legitimate reason for me to truly be jealous.....its time to let go. Some people live for the drama. I live for the peace. One person at a time or by myself.
This helped me a lot at a time when I really needed it …thank you
Thanks a lot. This helped me understand this compersion thing better.
Great explanation. Much appreciated!
Have been reading about the topic, but hear of it from that pretty voice was a pleassure
It’s funny how compersion is a new word in our vernacular. The whole concept is kind of hidden.
I love the word compersion andits meaning. I want to embody it. ✨
Haven’t finished talk yet
But isn’t jealousy a fear of loss
Yes but maybe it's more accurate to say it's a fear of loss of control?
It totally can be, but it can also be a multitude of things. Could be the fear that your partners partner is better than you or more fulfilling than you, even if you know you aren’t going to lose your partner. Could also be the feeling of insecurities in the same sense.
I don't get jealous or scared,my form of discipline teaches fearlessness, the hitch is most of society could not manage to survive my methods, they lack compassion or mercy, the methods are cold and ruthless, but the results are stellar.
This was so helpful! I am new
I love this term. Some societies, such as America, tend to be hypercompetitive.
Well done!
Thank you
Excellent talk
you are beautiful. thank you so much.
Again, a young person. News flash, this generation did not invent this lifestyle. Where are the old people? This goes against our primal instincts. The reality is we want and deserve the love of one person. Someone who is our best friend and who we grow with. Jealousy is real, and justified, and trying to deny it is ridiculous. I'm watching this play out with a family member who thinks they have it under control. They do not.
Monogamy is the thing going against our primal instinct. Anything else is insecurity.
@@ulquiXgrimm Neither is an instinct. Monogamy and non monogamy are adaptations to material conditions. Whatever makes a population more successful in surviving those conditions will become the typical practice.
Thing is, humans have always been bad at monogamy. Jealousy only being useful for keeping relational exclusivity in place. It's weird to me because in almost every other situation Jealousy is seen as a negative, even though it's natural.
For example, jealousy between kids, or between coworkers. It's frowned upon. But when a guy is Jealous for their woman it seems all romantic.
Its funny, jealousy I experience comes from not wanting to go against societal expectations for what is "cool" or "valid". Not wanting to be seen as a cuck or something. I'm single though, so Jealousy doesn't affect me much unless a girl is trying to get at me lol.
News flash, ive met older, poly people. With successful relationships.
Thank you
Only two comments and super low views??
I guess people are afraid of this
I strongly believe jealousy is more a byproduct of modernism and western culture than any biological drive or instinct. Based on our anatomy and innate social structures “hoarding” has not been a thing but rather a symptom of solitude and scarcity. The idea that we as a species exist to reproduce is highly limiting and myopic in human understanding; given how many other social species structured like ours operate and are built for collective co-habitation.
When you look at multi-cellular species that are clearly driven to reproduce (invasive species) they are clearly non-monogamous …they reproduce freely with anything remotely capable of production; genetics and gametes are left to battle it out, not the multi-cellular species itself. And with microorganisms …let’s just say stuff stuff gets interesting hahaha.
My thoughts exactly!! From an anthropological point of view we are apes, and in terms of earth age we are only 3 steps away from the tree (on a good day). I have not heard of shimpanzee tribes that tear into each other with jealousy, altough it is proven that they can feel it. I read an interesting article about how eastern cultures handle this. In shintoism, taoism and buddhism monogamy is not featured. In traditional japanese culture men could visit women, resulting children always belonged to the 'house' of the mother. Even during the shogunate era marriages between the powerful samurai families were first and foremost business unions. If offspring was conceived, the respective partners were free to do (discreetly) what they wanted. Even in the upper classes in the UK, where couples married for money and higher status, the general consensus was that if the wife did 'her duty to her lord' by providing an heir (and a spare), she was free to amuse herself.
This video is Blocked somehow and doesn't play back.
Not sure I believe that polyamory is a stable construct. Sure,... Compersion is a real and powerful thing, but so is triangle dramas. Even if you're not jealous, there will always end up being one who is a little less a part of the relationship than the others.
I'm also not really convinced open relationships are easy to make work, but swinging with your partner fueled by compersion does work and can really strengthen a relationship.
This woman seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, which is fine, but people are wired to have certain expectations of a partner if you're willing to commit to them, and that's ok too. Thoughtfulness and consideration of your partner are good qualities in a person.
oh hi professor LOL
I just don't know why our love object cares if we are jealous or not. It's just something that is felt and flees, so what does it matter? It's none of their business. They should be concerned about their own feelings, thoughts, repressions and trauma, not ours.
Because they don’t want to see you unhappy. They want to help, but yes it does take time. It’s hard at the time to realize that it will fade.
hah, yeah, honestly i probably wouldn't tell my partner about that. i do feel it's my own business.
Compersion . Weird sounding word. Like the word Compassion drank a whole box of wine because none of your buisiness mommy is stressed out and if you had *hic just a little c-compersion then you would make the room stop spinning for mommy, ok?
Humans are not naturally monogamous.
Monogamy may not prevent jealousy, but it certainly prevents the things that jealousy stems from. Those things are realized, the bond is broken. I have yet to see a poly relationship where both partners are truly ok with it. And that's not okay. One person is always doing it for fear of losing the other. Sleeping around on someone who is devoted to you is never ethical. And you can never know for sure if they're truly ok with it or just scared of losing you. If this level of pain is better than staying in a relationship without it, what are you doing staying in that relationship? Isn't that more of an unhealthy attachment than just accepting that it's over and letting go?
I've seen plenty of them. Just because you haven't seen it, does not mean it doesn't exist. There are definitely a lot of people who do it for the wrong reasons, just as there are many people who are in monogamous relationships for the wrong reasons. It's not a structure issue, it's a human issue. Your bias and assumptions are definitely showing though. Monogamy does not prevent jealousy at all.
:)
Immoral people explaining the spectrum of Jealousy on behalf of an immoral behavior.
biggest plank in an eye I've seen thus far
This is wrong. This lady just wants to be popular why she tried getting into TED Talk. There are too many psychology field superiority nerds (spiked culturally in these years) who're too focused on that notion of psychology-only aspect and deny the cultural and sociological aspect. What this lady is saying is instituting consent for people to be liberated from consequences and discouragement from selfish, irrational behaviors in what their behavior's implications on sociological aspect are (and with liberation these people will become reckless esp. to begin with they have much irrational tendencies) as if psychology alone is enough to explain everything. This is how you get Brexit: people from individuals like Richard Tice who start talking like this but who do not condemn social implications of what they're promoting! Don't give the TED floor to these such people who do not condemn and whose conscience is callous over negative social implications especially from irrational behaviors. This talk is trashtalk, TED.
Quit yapping and say something if you have to say it. Stop making this word salad without content.
yikessssssssssssssssssssssss
I'm sure what you are feeling has a name too.