The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
Hi I would like to comment that I am very thankful to have come across your material It has definitely answered a lot of questions about me & my confusion of what’s been going on & more important understanding his state of mind & being Just like he doesn’t want to cause me any further hurt or sadness, I too don’t want to cause him any further stress or anxiety Do you have a list of the different types of personality/character. I read & hear mainly about 2 The Avoidant and the Anxious But are there others?? Thank you for helping us (all) to better understand Have a good day Shalom
It’s exhausting for them but I think it’s more exhausting for their partner. The avoidant is scanning for risks;their partner is scanning for any signs of caring!
@@unterdessen8822 My best friend is very avoidant. He has only allowed me and his sister to get close. We have been close for 40+ years and we are each other’s therapist bychoice as we have a passion for human behaviour. It may not be fair to ask this of a romantic partner but if it evolves natuarally, unforced and organically it is the best feeling in the world. So much intimacy is not for everyone and I meet with my friend twice or three times a month. If we lived under the same roof, it would exhaust him for sure.
I feel like my bf BINGES on oxytocin from me and then gets overwhelmed and freaked out and it leaves me so confused and sad. I’m not a little treat you shove your face with and then don’t allow yourself to have again for three weeks!!! I’m a human being who needs consistency!
@@unterdessen8822 That happened to a friend of mine. She was together with an avoidant man. She was successful in her well-considered approach to tackle his problems wisely with lots of love, of course, on her side, i. e. finally he was convinced he needed therapy and did so and eventually changed which took its time. He was very grateful to my friend for being so understanding, helping him and he even had remorse for having treated her so badly with tears in his eyes when he said that. But then his face cleared with joy and he said that for the first time in his life he so in love now, he knows what love is... but not with her but with another woman he had met in some group therapy session. My friend sat there and was speechless. He didn't notice but told her enthousiastically how much he would be capable of helping the other women now to understand because he felt now experienced and had something finally to give to someone. And she was just the woman he had always dreamt of... and blah blah blah. Well, he left her flat then and she never heard from him again... lol. My friend is a good christian, it helped her. She thinks she's got a bonus now when going to heaven and that was years she was busy suffering from the guy. Even a better bonus ;)
I just broke up with my avoidant partner this morning. I set clear expectations, granted space, and took the advice of many therapists. At the end of the day, I couldn't keep contending with the phantom ex that he uses to keep me at bay. I may love him, and as a secure attachment person, I have been so patient, loving, and kind. When I would try and bring up our “risks” and bring solutions he would shut down. I pray for his sake he tackles some of these issues because he is a wonderful man. I know it's not his fault, but it is his responsibility to fix it.
Same exact thing here, too. I've done everything I could to make it work for 4 years, but I just cannot compete with the annoying phantom ex. They still work together and she never stops breadcrumbing him. Recently she started giving him more attention so he's totally ignoring me now. After four years of support, understanding, love...and here we are. They'll always choose that phantom ex,ladies. Always. Even after they've complained and cried about them for years. I learned a very hard lesson!
That’s awesome you tried, set clear boundaries, and were able to leave. Hopefully this eventually becomes a lesson for him so he can truly work on himself.
Perfectly said! It’s not about demonizing them, but the DA is into everyone being responsible for themselves and this includes being responsible for their healing and accountability. Eventually I was talked out in the end because he would continuously point out my flaws and while he was a highly intelligent man, communication toward me was harsh with little regard for respect if he didn’t register feelings. I had to pick me in the end and gave him peace and kept my dignity.
@@riverchick23I'm sorry that has happened. Just know you are worthy of love as well. You had the strength to walk away and chose loving yourself and that's something to be proud of. ❤
As an avoidant man, I have to say the biggest thing that made me stop wanting to be avoidant was recognizing where the source of this avoidant behavior came from (betrayal from my mother) helped me compartmentalize the distrust to her and stop projecting it onto my romantic partners.
@jersauce1337 were u able to share your story with romantic partners? Any tips on how I can get mine to open up, tell me what happened? I know that they trust me, shared something deeply personal, but nothing about childhood. Tysm! 🙏
Same. Currently trying to work through forgiving her as carrying this around is toxic. She has no idea I'm carrying this either, she thinks everything is fine and I see her at least once a week... although I feel the distance there, so maybe she feels it too but doesn't understand it. It's based on something from 20 years ago, where it was made clear that her emotional needs were more important than mine and so I pushed that shit down and I've put my emotions last in every relationship since with disastrous consequences. She's too old to have it out with her now so I just need too figure out how to let it go now.
Absolutely don't. I would say to someone, move on and be happy. No one here would expect you to. I think many here are trying to hold families together and also heal what they can of the father children relationships through all of this. I wish people would mention that more often and clarify because it seems to me there is a HUGE difference between dating someone like this, and trying to fix family dynamics of an existing family through learning about attachment. 🙏🏼
To create less avoidant men ill leave a few tips . Feminism , singlemotherhood , and an overall ungratefulness helps to create it . Especially in this modern world in which masculinity is constantly underattack ( chemically via food / water supply , sociallly via social media and a school system designed for feminine traits to thrive and masculine ones be suppressed as well as an over all sense of looking down upon or at the least a low value put on men who work with their hands or body for a living . Or even the growing rate at which state laws allows for women to divorce for little to no reason while utilizing the power of the state to forcibly remove his resources from him , ect ect ) the risk for a man , even an unavoidant one is absolutley massive . Its become a more and more increasing sentiment in many , and i fight thinking about it myself as being unseen , unnoticed , and unappreciated. These specific men like me and others (blue collar working avoidant types ) are painfully aware that our work is necessary for other men women and children to live any kind of civilized life , while 80% of women look at us as "low value men" . I guess simply put , why care about a world that doesnt care about us ? Ive also notoced that many women , even those who dont think they are , have been conditioned to have these feminist and "me first" attitudes and dont even know or believe they do. Idk , something ive been thinking deeply on lately , any and all input is welcome , id like to gather more data on this .
As an avoidant man, I haven’t been in a relationship or even been intimate with anyone for nearly 12 years. I’m nearly 31 and the act of opening and being vulnerable is terrifying. I’m afraid not just about connecting but being the reason for someone else’s pain, I don’t want to be the one who hurts others, so I concluded at a young age that I shouldnt interact because it’s ‘always’ going to be my fault no matter the situation. Trying to be closer to my friends and family in hopes of one day being able to be vulnerable and intimate with a lover, is really really difficult, even just getting on a dating app is exhausting. Add to it, that I need help and don’t know who to ask, how to ask or what to ask is usually enough for me to throw my hands up and say fuck this it’s easier to be alone. And that’s all to say that I want to know what love feels like, and I want to be a pillar of support for someone but I don’t know how to chase and work for something if I don’t even believe it is as good as everyone says it is. Hope my rant makes sense for anyone who actually reads this…
I'm the opposite and I can tell you that it's equally as exhausting. Since I was young, I found it easy to open up to people. People found it easy to open up with me. I could meet someone and within 10 minutes they'd be telling me all about their family, their likes, their hopes. But I got taken advantage of because people knew I would look past their flaws and forgive them. I was aware and limited how many chances people got, but I didn't want to stop because not everyone is like that and I was optimistic. I wanted to believe that others were different. As a result, I've been heartbroken many times. It never gets easier. I could stop and hide away from the world. Sometimes I do. But it's a lonely existence. The risk of love is a risk, but it's worth taking. Unfortunately, it's not something most people get right the first time out. Even if you do, it's not guaranteed to last. So, you have to cherish it while you have it. And it will hurt like nothing you've ever felt before. I hate love, but I also love it.
@@tropibanana4662 thanks for sharing that :) my best friend is in a similar boat that people find it very very easy to open to him. It can be exhausting for him as well as he also has to get away and recoup. One of my many problems is that I really enjoy being alone (I joke with my friends, family and therapist that I can work in a lighthouse for a year seeing no one and I’ll be fine) ofcourse being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely and isolating can be useful I’m genuinely overwhelmed, but recognising my isolation between being useful and just a comfort zone is 2 very different things. If I don’t get out of that zone and actually make an attempt to connect to someone it will never happen. No one will ever drag me out of my cave and I fully expect no one would ever want to do that either, why would they? Sometimes it feels like I need to be treated like a child or pandered too make baby steps but that’s humiliating in its own way, as a grown ass man I should be able to pull my own shit together and communicate these things. But that’s why TH-cam pages like this one really helps educate me and give me the understanding of how to go forward. So thanks @adamlanesmith for educating the world and all the avoidants who need the help 💚
Let me add to this that while I now know that I am probably an avoidant, that doesn't actually help me since it only reinforces the belief that I'll just end up hurting someone
@@Shook11 I’m also still working with this anxiety. I feel the need to parent myself and constantly tell/ remind myself that I don’t want to hurt anyone and I definitely don’t intend to hurt anyone either, if I actually intended to hurt someone then I would feel a hell of a lot worse after the fact. I’d rather not feel guilty for something I haven’t even done. But it’s a work in progress these things require consistency unfortunately, and that’s another problem in and of itself.
@@Stein99 Absolutely not. Your anxious attachment is just as much of a problem as avoidant. You also need to work on your own attachment style just as much, it's just as much of a stress on any relationship as avoidant. Telling yourself otherwise will only keep you bogged down and blaming others for your own faults.
@@DoubleOhSilverthank you. Being myself avoidant and a better fiance than an anxious attached woman I know who is preventing her husband from almost ever seeing the family again
Find someone who speaks the same language you do and let the Avoidants work it out amongst themselves. It shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t have to bend and compromise and walk on eggshells and speak the “right way” this much for both of you to get your needs met.
He goes into this more in another vid but the abridged version is that that is the dopamine part of the relationship and dopamine is the neuro transmitter that avoidant men do actually feel it's just when a relationship moves to a more long-term serotonin based trusting opening up and deeper vulnerable phase the avoidant brain doesn't know how to process any of that because it lacks the familiarity with any of that so a relationship at best stays in the shallow hot dates gifts and looking good for eachother territory but there is no deeper emotional connection or it just sizzels out and leaves to sad and isolated frustrated people
The honeymoon phase is a phenomenon that exists in all types of relationships between all types of people. The honeymoon phase lasts typically no longer than 8 months in my experience.
@@noahjwhite Great question, and one I’m now asking myself! This video was my first introduction to Adam Lane Smith and Attachment Theory. As an anxiously attached person (I’ve now come to accept) I didn’t understand, at all, the avoidant. I fell into the trap of trying to force feelings, suicide for our relationship. I’ve now flung myself into this theory which is (I’m not joking) saving our marriage. Thank you for asking!
Ladies....my advice is......RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! YOU are FAR MORE IMPORTANT than a broken person who will only BREAK YOU in return. LEAVE THESE TYPES ALONE!!!!
@@Stein99 Their self-isolation is how they self regulate. Same way a healthy partnership can co-regulate. This is just how they think. They don't know how you think because they barely know how they think or feel. How could they know how you think or feel?
Everyone says avoidants are afraid of commitment or don't commit. I think thats bogus. Their dedication to repeating the same patterns of behavior over and over- expecting different results every time- is a level of commitment fantasized by even the most secure couples! 🙃
Commitment is a conscious choice. Repeating patterns of behavior is an unconscious trauma response. I can't imagine why avoidant men wouldn't want to be around such thinking.
If they can run a company they can have happiness too! It starts within to heal. This sounds like my past relationship as he gave me S. E. X. And gifts. That’s all I know now. 🤦♀️🤦♀️.
@@jessecortez9449 they are very much conscious and know what they're doing... believe... is just easier for them to go to the next person every time expecting one they to find the one that will put up with all their crap.
Been there. Done that. Never again will I give Into trying to love or be in relationship with a high maintenance avoidant man. It’s a soul sucking situation.
Can I ask, did he know he was avoidant? I didn't for years, I was just in pain that I pushed down. I'm processing it all now and feel close to secure for the first time ever. I think once the reality is clear to avoidants the change can happen. Although I think they need to figure it out for themselves.... I don't think anyone could have told me this 5 years ago. I had to figure it out cognitively and emotionally on my own for it to really register in my psyche. I guess what I'm saying, is if someone is aware and wants to change maybe there's hope.
@@bingobriano6021 Absolutely! I think more than hope. I wonder if someone who has gone through this transformation ends up appreciating love even more. Glad you loved yourself enough to make these changes. It's probably scary. Anytime an avoidant has insight in these comments it helps everyone.
Actually no. They are the least direct people I’ve ever met. They will completely sidestep direct communication and crumple when spoken to directly. They want it to be indirect so as not to hurt their ego. It’s crazy honestly. Everyone has traumas and everyone needs healing, but it’s up to them. And the best thing would be to avoid a relationship until you are healed and aware of your patterns, instead of lovebombing someone and then pulling away and blaming them for the distance. It’s actually very sick and sad.
Heh. That's my experience with women. I am looking for an opportunity for to turn down the wom's advances. It is never ending hints, passive aggresiveness, love bombing, mind games, and the like. If wom were just blunt with me, I would tell you "No" to save you the trouble. Instead we drag it on until I leave or you give up. I am looking for a direct opportunity to say "no".
Yeah...great advice, if you want to have to think about everything you say and the way you say it, as opposed to being with someone who relates to how you communicate because they communicate the same way. I've had both kinds of relationships...I don't need to tell you which one was most fulfilling and enjoyable. 😊
Take accountability people it’s not hard it’s called grow up. I have dealt with an avoidant and it was suck a waste of time. A beautiful intelligent enigmatic individual but with no accountability for his actions and always empty promises.
I'm terrified my avoidant husband is inching toward divorce. Or depression. He won't talk to me. If I draw back and not say the first words, he will enter and exit the house without speaking. We have different diets because of my weight loss, so we cook separately. He hasn't touched me in almost a year, and it had been over a year the time before that. We have been together 26 years and have 3 grown girls. I thought we would reconnect when the kids moved out. We grew further apart instead, so I focused on getting my health back. Now, I feel emotionally starved. I don't think he's malicious, but I feel like it's unintentional emotional abuse. I've tried buying books, throwing dopamine at him, changing the way I speak, giving him room to approach me, and joining him in his hobbies. Nothing has worked. My friends tell me to start saving money and research alimony in my state. I don't want to lose him, but I don't think I could live like this much longer. I used to think the world would swallow me up and crush me if he left, now I feel like it might hurt less to be on my own.
This sounds exactly what I went through. He did end up leaving. I now wish I would not have wasted so much of my life. I tried everything. We went to 4 counselors. It never moved the needle unfortunately.
ManTalks has a great video on How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship where he explains the problem behaviors both people do and what each one needs to do. I also love the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton. It explains why conversations are so hard and how to navigate them without attacking. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. I finally hit a breaking point and I left after 18 years. Divorce is awful and dating in middle age sucks. But I'm trying to heal. I need someone who is willing to put in the work.
Did you try and communicating the problems via a letter/message? If direct confrontation is difficult, I always try this. To adress critique/problems/behaviour I recommend to write "me sentences" ->" I feel like this, when you do this." or "I like that you are doing... but from time to time I would like you to do... and not "You did.", "You make me feel...". Maybe he senses that you are terrified and which makes him also terrified and gives him the impression, that he will get divorced soon. In such situations I remember, that if I fear to lose somebody and cling more to him, he will get more distant. (a self fullfilling prophecy) Without knowing his thoughts about it, I cant say, how to act on it. I wish you the best.
I will say, that his " Risk Assessment " makes Me Feel On Edge and Unsafe! So his Fears are Manifesting/ mirroring Fears in me. I am Guarded around him because I can't relax & feel safe, so I'm on edge & he can now prove to himself that there's "Risks" as apposed to Dealing with his core wounds and Being Safe within Himself & then I'll Feel Safe in his presence... 😒
Empty promises, lies, and chasing the unavailable. I run the risk assessment consistently as a result of his actions. The only answer is to love from a distance. I wanted to love him to health. But he won’t heal until he loves himself.
Ok so …. 5 months in to our second time around ( first time lasted 1.5 years on and off lots of confusion and arguments anxious and avoidant struggle) we took an 11 month break and I focused on myself. then he came back. I resisted, then gave in I started to do my research and started to listen and change my thinking and mentality. I leaning more securely attached (sometimes get anxious) but with communication the anxiety is taken away. I’ve learned more about him in 5 months than I did in 1.5 years. 2 weeks ago he told me he loved me out of no where. Then at a gathering in front of his friends and family (his closest friends) He called me his girlfriend out loud I was shocked by this because he is a very private person and doesn’t talk about his relationships and he has never given me a title before It’s going well and I’m enjoying my time I think he trusts me more now so his guard is coming down.
Wonderful news! I especially like that you recognize your own shortcomings. So many comments are demonizing avoidant people when it take two people to build a relationship.
Honestly I prayed for patience and focused on my own attachment style. I Learned to listen and stop taking everything personally Stop being reactive When we would disagree and I could see him zoning out I would stop because I could feel myself getting angry and he was just shutting down I would journal what I had to say they come back to it when we were both in a better place and he would normally listen then Gave him space when I felt he was struggling It’s 7 months now This week was difficult I sensed he was being distant So I just backed off a bit and focused on myself. I anyways make sure I feel fine and in a good place before I address any issues we have That way I am calm and he is less defensive I ask if he needed space he said no We spoke yesterday He told me he was struggling but didn’t want to talk about it. We should be meeting today So hopefully it goes well.
He genuinely thinks I’m a weirdo because I don’t give ultimatums but I state what I want when he brings it up. It confuses him. Speaking his language or using some of these scripts is still a lot for him to take in.
I ran into this too. I used the language Adam stated. My Avoidant partner was speechless at first and then suspicious. So I guess it comes down to who is willing to accept the risk of believing you are secure enough to not give ultimatums and that you are being genuine. Ultimately it will also be a factor that the person you are with may not be ready for it.
I feel that the issue is that he’s made the assumption that I must be like everyone else. I’ve never had more patience and understanding in my life but there’s nothing I can do or say to make him understand. So I back away to allow space. That said, he has to decide that he wants more on his own and he has to let go of the past.
Completely. I don’t reach out when I’m sure he’s pulling away. I’ve let go overall and if it’s to be it’ll be. I still love him deeply however I truly love him unconditionally. I only reach out when we have consistent dialogue and interaction.
Ugh I’ve been no contact for two weeks He posts sad/ romantic songs every two days, hasn’t reached out. Other DA/ best friend has texted twice in two weeks and I don’t react. I love them like I’d love children too. Unconditionally
@@belle3055 That sounds less stressful to just put the ball in his court like that. I've shown nothing but kindness, so he can decide if he wants to proceed. Thanks!
Ha! Unfortunately yes! I guess at some point each avoidant decides whether it's time to fly or take these standards seriously! If they stay, seems like lots of healing for them. I like thinking that sometimes that's a potential of relationships.
@@tellitlikeitis5028As someone married to an avoidant man who is heavily influenced by his even more avoidant best friend this made me crack up laughing because it's so true!
Thanks for explaining to women why we should leave avoidant men, despite loving them. They can't give us what we want, they don't mean to but they can't.
@@mn0g0nm You sound like a woman that blames men for all her problems and her infidelity. Did I strike a nerve? You have a history of cheating? Why so defensive?
@CitiesOfAsh would you give unconditional loyalty to someone you thought didn't love you back or just flat out is not being loving towards you ever? Unrequited love is not where it's at. For some reason avoidant men can't wrap their heads around women running risk assessments on them and deaming them to be too high of risk to deal with.
Also how do we deal when he just endlessly says "I feel guilty for hurting you" yet he doesn't take responsibility for his own feelings or behaviors? This is just an extra burden for us to manage.
"I not meaning to hurt you" is what I've gotten. As he continued to do the same thing over and over. Unfortunately, they have to want to at least be a teeny tiny willing to give too. It's not fair and it's not healthy for either person.
Absolutely, I know a man like that right now,he is a good friend,a great soul,I pray he helps himself to be the man GOD wants him to be.he is wasting so much time for himself to enjoy some joy and happiness and LOVE for his inner child and his adult man. Prayers
You are the first I've seen define DAs on point with respect and in detail for not only us to understand but how to handle the relationship the right way!! Your a true blessing for us involved.
Almost nine years, I've given and given and given, never hurt him (me 55, him 56), always been there, gotten him in every way thru five operations, and ex wife who controls everything, his kids (22, 25, 30) are manipulated by her, he has Asperger's, business owner..... He's had two affairs on me during this time, we've held it together, I've been patient, loving, committed, and ALL I'VE ASKED FOR is the emotional connection.... He can speak the words i love you, he can be minimally affectionate... After almost 9 years we see each other three nights a week, yes, even less than we did two years ago... So much of the avoidant sounds true for him, and whilst i am more than understanding, the starvation, neglect, omitting of self is cruel. I don't know if there's anything else i can do.
Sounds like he is the one manipulating the situation, not his ex. Maybe you need to stop projecting everything that he does in your relationship with him, on his ex, even you feel horrible because of his behaviour and avoidance... so does everyone else off course, or do you think that his children and his ex wife haven't experienced this emotional pain because of his attachment problems? Do you really believe you are the only one who this felt this? Who is his next partner going to blame when you break up and she will experience the same emotional and spiritual abuse? If she is lacking accountability, like you do right now, she might put all this blame on you as well. Does that sound righteous? Who is the main carachter in all these disfunctional relationships? His ex? You? Or he? Acting as if his problems, although he is an adult, are an ex her fault is exactly why you are in this unloving situationship for 9 years already. It's a sign of spiritual weakness on your side as well, you accept this, and blame it on another women instead of him. That's denial. instead of acknowledging your own lack of self love, self respect and self esteem, by chasing and accepting less than you deserve... you now made a story up in your mind that his ex is to blame... not him.. he is so troubled, I love him so much, it's everyone's else's fault, but not him. You created a monster in your life ... who drains you for all you have. Your energy is golden, now you have an energy vampire in your life and call it your partner... Avoidant people are manipulating everything through passive aggressive behaviours .. Think of it this way, are you happy with him? does he always makes you feel wanted, safe, protected, loved, seen supported, united, harmonious etc?.or does he create feelings of separation, anxiety, on and off harmonious connectedness, do you feel unhappy? Than who is to blame? Who is the main carachter in his life that avoids and hurts people because of lack of taking accountability for his emotions, feelings and wounds. That's being emotional immature, and that's what ruins every relationship. So take a look at the why you accept this, instead of blaming an ex. She is out off his life for 9 years already, yet you are still experiencing the same pain and emotional disconnection from him. Grow up, get real with yourself and stop blaming an ex for your lack of wisdom and his lack of maturity and accountability. This isn't love, this is an unhealthy, codependent situationship that will never create a happy loving partnership. Blessed be.
I keep circling back to you, Adam when I need a refreshed sense of empathy for my avoidant man. He’s been committed to me for many years without hesitation and is the best partner in every other way except in the arena of validating my anxious emotions. Literally every other resource out there about relationships demonize these people and say “just leave”. I agree that’s maybe the best approach when you’re young and have only been dating for a matter of months, but it’s not the easy solution for everyone.
Agree but many are dealing with stonewalling, deactivation behaviors (meanness to create emotional distance), etc It can get very complex when there are children involved.
@@nakitanashmeanness as long as they snap because they need space and u know and they know, Let them have that space talk to him. And stonewalling is just a few days circling avoiding and then hugging him
ManTalks has a great video on How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship where he explains the problematic behaviors that each person does and what each person should do.
You had me pegged at 5:52 doesn't feel loved, a priority, he 's just stringing her along. Wow, Adam, I've just watched 3 of these videos and all of the anxiety, heartache, and resentment have melted away. Thank you !!!!!
I hope avoidants can eventually find someone that work for them but I’m only interested in working on a relationship with someone who’s interested in working on it with me like a team. When they pull away and run I just take it as a lack of interest or we’re incompatible and I have to pull away as well.
Understand the Avoidant. . But using this decription of being avoidant As you've decribed.... He's just strung me along.... and I've been faithful even long distance..... waiting for any sign of caring.... I've been patient for years, been faithful in my being.... I know he's gotten his oxytocin else where..... I'm not trapping him. But it's time to let go.
I see a lot of really scathing comments here lacking compassion. I think a lot of people fail to comprehend that severe damage has happened, and it is very hard to fix.
Thank you!! Someone of these comments just reek that their person wasn’t really into them and strung them along. There is also a lack of accountability around why they chose to be in a relationship that didn’t serve them.
I think a lot of people are exhausted with having to give so much of themselves towards an avoidant partner and feel like they never get anywhere. It's not a failure of comprehension, it's being tired of putting in the work and getting very little out of it. The fact that they're here watching this video shows that they are willing to put in the work and trying hard to fix it.
@@tropibanana4662 I understand, at the same time, I think we generally need to discuss the emotional unavailability with men in general, avoidant or not. Personally, I am learning most men are avoidant, and I think we should really teach women how to approach relationships with men differently, because if I have to do all this to maintain a relationship with you, then you didn't learn basic relationship skills, or were taught differently how to navigate in a relationship, which is also the case. Avoidant attachment is a trauma response, and I think navigating a relationship should be a different set of skills than addressing your trauma. To your point, I think people need to stop trying to give so much of themselves to other people, and go where they are loved, instead of waiting or wanting to fix someone who isn't doing for themselves.
The "assistant" comment really got me. I've told my DA husband of 20 years (together 25) that I work for him and when I've got done what he needed done, he was over it. Now, I am.
From having an avoidant girlfriend and a covert narcissist it's like the definition of insanity over and over again. I swear the blind would be able to see better than an avoidant and I'm sorry to say but I believe they shouldn't date until they heal because they don't even notice the pain and destruction that they cause
@doublesides I know many avoidants who do notice the pain and destruction but fear is like an uncontrollable switch that goes on and once triggered you can’t turn it off. Many try to heal but fail. A part of an avoidant’s healing is to go through excruciating frustration each time they fail. This leaves them deleted of any desire to continue putting any effort into any relationship. I tried and watched him fail 8 years and that literally makes me the crazy one not him. He really tried to warn me. Every case, however, is different.
The one sure thing sounds exactly like a huge risk. An avoidant doesn’t want all their eggs in one basket. If you rely on someone, then they have power to hurt you. If you rely on them as your one sure thing they can destroy you.
The opposite is how secure people think. Humans aren't a stock portfolio 😂. Quite the opposite. An entire portfolio in one person. Multiple people causes loss of energy and loss of jet fuel whereas a dyad is the only guaranteed energy multiplication device
Or they fail to see a big risk that could be a big win. Epic! Life is risk like business and an awesome reslionship with someone that could make you happier is a big big mistake I’d think.
And when you Do show him fairness, kindness, safety, & Intimacy and he's Avoidant...Runnnnnn!!!! Run 🏃♀️ for your life & Avoid his Neglectful, Abusive, Self Centered Avoidant Style
This video is gold to me. On Saturday I decided to block my dismissive avoidant ex off of everything as I was the only one reaching out and calling him to fix things. I wish I had learned about all this sooner because he’s in complete deactivation and there’s nothing I can do until he’s ready to open up and work on this with me. I really appreciate your content as this could have saved our relationship. I can’t force him to heal or learn about healthy relationships, I can only work on myself and hope for the best. I will continue to practice how to have conversations with others in this way. Thank you! 🙏🏻
As someone who is avoidant type, I am fully aware of how I feel and react to most of the things in relationship, it is constant battle still. Was married to a wonderful women, problem is she was anxious type, it went downward spiral and made her almost go insane because of lack of intimacy. She left after four years. Wish i found this kind of advice and channel before…
Thank you very much for explaining. And thank you but no, thank you. I am not prepared to study someone's attachment style in order to have a somewhat acceptable relationship with them. That is not a relationship. If a person is not able or willing - for ANY reason, doesn't matter what it is - to reciprocate and participate in a relationship equally, then that person is not for me. They should do the work on healing their shadow self, and become able to have healthy relationships. It is not up to us women to fix them. Yes, it is good to understand things, and whys and whats, but that is as far as I would go. You made this sound, as even your title indicates, that we are doing something wrong. While the opposite is the case. How about they study our attachment style, lol. Joking of course, but yes we need to feel safe and understood too. A relationship is a 2 way road.
@ Adam Lane Smith I immensely appreciate your content. You have just singlehandedly saved a thirty year marriage. ❤ You are definitly a subject matter guru and GOAT in this attachment style. Thanks for your infinite contributions.
I'm truly humbled by your words. It means a lot to know that my content has made a positive impact on your marriage. Thank you for your kind words and support. ❤
Every other risks that doesn’t involve emotions are nothing, the moment it’s about emotional risk, they run like hell. It's an autopilot that is out of their grasp for any kind of calculation.
Adam, you are the only person who has ever ever explained this. I've been with him for 2 years. This is exactly what I've observed ...he is very much committed but i now understand how he sees risks. Yes...risk, that's what he is assessing ...there's so much you have explained here. Ty ty ty,
I'm glad to hear that my explanation resonated with you and provided clarity. Understanding each other's perspectives can make a world of difference in relationships. If you need further guidance, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
You described me to a "t". I didn't know what I didn't know until I knew I didn't know it. When you say "practical" I say "pragmatic". Great description of an Avoidant!
Mind blown! This is absolutely spot on for my Avoidant guy! The concept of discussing our relationship in terms of risks, investments, and measurable emotions is unlike anything I've ever heard about love. In fact, it deviates from romantic norms. But I realize it's just what my man needs to feel safe. I'll definitely be watching this video again.
This is another gold mine, again! Watching this again.. writing down things, again. Though I have a serious question about my investment in the relationship. What if I'm not that young anymore, nor can I have children? What do I have to offer him then?
Our biological time of life is LIMITED. Don't waste your irreplaceable years, days, hours going on roads which won't lead you to happiness and fulfillment. Better to be single than in a painfull or humiliating relationship. Do not waste your life, when you will be old in your bed to die nobody will offer you not even 5 extra minutes to live.
Love this video. I've noticed avoidant men's love language is often acts of service/gifts so this makes sense. I love the spreadsheet idea because it keeps everyone on the same page and doesn't leave anything up in the air, much clearer communication. Could you make a video for women who have disorganized attachment? I've noticed that my trouble is in the dating/commitment phase. It feels like polar opposites, either dating someone where it's constant games from people waiting a week to get a text back or on the other extreme having my week pre-planned and held hostage by someone who needs to see me and know what I'm doing at all times. I'm sure that there is something I'm overlooking and would love to hear your play-by-play. Thanks, you rock!
I KNEW YOU WERE A CHRISTIAN!!!! This teaching embraces real love; loving an avoidant requires Christlike mercy and understanding a d patience.....God bless you Adam! Pray for me to get back with my exhusband/ christian from 40 years ago !!!
I think whether avoidant, anxious or fearful avoidant they are all insecure attachment styles. If none of these 3 categories of people decide to take steps to heal they will always be triggered by something. For me I am more aware of the love bombing stage. Once I see that before I become anxious. I state my needs clearly if I see I push back I walk away. I no longer let it get to a stage where I am triggered by a behavior to become anxious. Healthy love is slow and progressive and clear and respectful of boundaries. All people need love. All people need to be responsible for the beginning of their healing. It should never be anyone’s responsibility to heal anyone but join them in the journey. I find out of all the insecure attachment avoidants are the hardest. The last to see therapy unless it might cost them a spouse. The other 2 would be more willing to change and seek help. By the grace of the father I will never ever date another avoidant unless they are ready to heal. The healing process from the pain of them hurts so bad.
Thank you for your kind explanations, Adam. I’m learning about my AA and I shared my fears/needs with a woman tonight. She took it GREAT and is very supportive. Your kindness and clear understanding of avoidance (my profile) brings me back to listen to you. I’m gonna keep working on it. Thank you.
It's my pleasure and privilege. You’re doing great by sharing your fears and needs openly. That’s a huge step in building healthy communication. What’s one thing you feel proud of in how you’re handling your attachment style so far? Keep up the good work!
@@AttachmentAdam i'm sorry. i can't think of any. i don't care either. i have encountered people who were avoidant. so if they avoid me, i avoid them too. i don't have the time to tinker with their brains trying to determine what will or will not change them. i already have enough to worry about trying to recover from the abandonment they did. if they want to be free, then they can be free all they want. i just don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.
@AttachmentAdam , as you know, an avoidant has to see what he's doing & want better for himself. Tbh, old patterns die hard, & often get worse when they get confirmation that they're unlovable by behaving poorly. They need to get help, & warn prospective partners same as if they had an incurable std, bc avoidance is unhealthy, destructive & needs mgmt.
@@earthling7183 well, good luck with that. maybe they will be able to get it from someone or somewhere else. me, i'm done. i really believe when you leave behind a pattern of broken relationships, you need to start asking yourself why. it's a cause for you to look inside and find out what's wrong with you. as far as i'm concerned, if someone is avoidant, they should not be in a relationship. they need to work on themselves first. i keep on hearing that you get better in handling relationships when you are in a relationship, not when you are out of it. maybe true. the thing is, no one has the right to subject their partners into the horrendous behaviors of an avoidant person. no one.
This makes so much sense to me now, I have to feel safe before I put myself in such a vulnerable place, if I feel there's any risk this person could betray me I don't bother to put my heart into it, so when the relationship inevitably fails I'm not heartbroken about it. I have loved men but I don't think I've ever been IN love and that's my biggest complaint because they don't feel that from me but in turn they end up doing what I had expected from them because of it. It's a vicious cycle but I think I'd rather be alone than to experience an heartbreak. That's where I fall weak. People who can love fully are brave and I respect it but I would never risk it
This is an excellent video, and it is very illuminating. I’m curious if you’re interested in doing more videos on disorganized attachment. Sometimes when I try to talk to my boyfriend, he is reactive, so I assume that means there’s some fearful avoidant coping mechanism present. I’ve dealt with that in my life too, and I have worked to become more secure. But I think disorganized attachment/fearful avoidant is a little bit tricky to understand …it doesn’t feel to me like it’s just a combination of the two. I watch things on other channels about it, but I would love your take.
We should stop turning ourselves into pretzels for these avoidants. Leave them to get therapy. My behaviours work with a securely attached. It's not me that's the problem.
Imagine waking on a rickety bridge: your heart rate goes up, adrenaline goes up, you're more observant, you're more in the moment, you feel alive. Compare that to walking over a secure bridge: you barely register anything, you feel safe and you just go. That's the difference between an insecure partner and a secure partner. That's why experts recommend doing new activities with your partner: so you can get those feelings of uncomfortable-ness.
If you enjoy todays video please consider liking the video, leaving a thoughtful comment or sharing the video with a friend to help support the channel!
Hello Adam - I can’t find where your TH-cam members link to join is for the monthly subscription payment. I can’t afford to pay US$ for your community group, but I appreciate this option :) thx
Lol, I thought the same thing about my avoidant ex fiance. Actually ended up stopping behind her at a stop light today she pretended not to even notice or see me despite looking straight into my eyes in the review mirror. It seemed pretty avoidant to me😂 Needless to say, it didn't phase me. I deserve to be loved and can do better 💯 😌 Wished her the best despite all the cheating, lies, and manipulation future faking was the worst before we split that was around the time my aunt and father died and my mother fell sick oh when my father died my mother and sister split so alone i am but happy with GOD the pain made me change from anxiously attached to emotionaly secure very quickly, but such things are definitely not for me a better me I ended up becoming. Gained 12kg at the gym in two months naturally, of course, and have had huge gains, mentally emotionaly, spirituality, and within the soul. Of course, I love how I learn to love myself
And whoman never ever want that again but greatfull I am for the self gains I have been blessed with its literally changed me for the better. Was driving to the gym today and coincidentally stopped behind her after her telling me she is on the other side of south Africa she did what she an avoidant does best and pretended I didn't exist my car is rare so there can be no excuse when she looked back into the rear view mirror at the stop light it was hilarious😂😂😂 Had enough cheating and deception to last me a life time I don't know why some avoidants do that and continue to string you along with breadcrumbs 😅 Such childish behavior is not for me I'd much rather prefer making a little munchkin with a real woman than dating a 32 year old child 😅
Healing is a journey and it starts in a relationship. It’s not our jobs to heal anyone but we can walk alongside those we love and support them in healing their wounds if they’re open to it. We really have to shift our mindsets. We want others to have grace with us and those of us with attachment wounds deserve love, support, and connection too.
Men not trusting - risk assesment Women not trusting - neurotic It’s weird how it is only considered logical when men do it. Men not willing to risk anything for commotment - logical. Women not trusting men to not hurt them - illogical, “not all men”
@@AttachmentAdam sorry, I didn’t mean you. It was more a comment on how our society views it in general. I do realise that when you call i risk assesment you are using the vocabularity of an avoidant man to give an insight into his brain.
I had to write a clear concise letter to my sweet avoidant to give him freedom to decide what he wants to do. I said what I need. I said until he’s ready for that I will be out and living life. I told him how much I love him and how I want to be fair to him at this time and consider his needs. I don’t know how he will respond and I am nervous because he can get temperamental. But the houseplant in the closet is EXACTLY how I feel, getting all dolled up to go out and getting texts from him at the END of a night of waiting to be told he can’t make it. We both deserve to be loved the right way and right now he needs to get himself sorted out (in divorce process now). But I also left the door of communication open if he needs to talk. Not sure what’s going to happen here. 😢❤
Same..I gave up. He friend zoned me and I was still in freeze mode, no way to live. This was the hardest break up of my life. It’s been over a month and he’s decided to leave me on read at a time when I was my most vulnerable. Such a kick in the gut.
@@sadiqua7 I hear that. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and be so vulnerable just to be left reaching for nothing. I know he has feeling for me, I know there’s love there but the fear keeps everything frozen. Sucks. Sorry we are in that same boat. Hopefully things smooth out for you and life is better soon. ❤️
@@amberlorraineOG it was not what I wanted or signed on for but yes I unknowingly was his mistress for a year. He swore he was fully separated, then he sent a picture of himself out to dinner somewhere fancy. I was working so I asked who he went with and he casually said it was her birthday and he “had to” take her out. I said “you’re not getting divorced are you” and he absolutely lost it saying I should have known what was going on (no, I had no clue) and dumped me. It was over 4 months and he came back but only briefly and then just weird texts and video chats. So yesterday I had to tell him I can’t do this, it is a half love and he needs more time to figure his stuff out. But I left it open for him somewhat because I still love him.
THANK YOU, Adam, for making TOTAL SENSE…You make Avoidant partners more understandable…Unlike ANY other relationship coaches…You are teaching me to SAVE my current relationship with a WONDERFUL Avoidant…One I hope to create a successful relationship with…❤
Wow Adam thank you so much for breaking down how to communicate with an Avoidant. Your amazing 🤩 keep up this beautiful work to help relationships run more smoothly 😊
I love all your advice and am so glad I found your channel. I love how you are offering advice on how not to demonize an avoidant man, yet I'm confused as to why you aren't offering advice on how to not demonize anxious women on your other videos????
When I read the comments, I seems most people are dealing with disorganized and calling it avoidant. I'm avoidant, show me I can trust you. If I am assigned and handling 70-80% of household duties, handle the 20-30% you have. Don't create a crisis. If you are not able to handle something, then say something in a timely fashion. Dependability is what an avoidant is looking for. Disorganized (also called fearful avoidant) are not the same as avoidant. They neither trust themselves or you
Well said. As I'm reading the comments. red flags are going off. They are writing If I bring it up he has a temper,(manipulation) he is critical of me all the time,(devaluing) the ex is always better.(That's triangulation) “You are such a good person, it pains me when I hurt you”(but I will do it again) So having standards drives them away.(the narc is the only one who matters in the "Relationship") The energy from these comment make me think that they have been in relationships with covert narcissist's. Not the avoidant men.
I'm here listening this morning while working, after a near miss with my partner hitting the big red button. I'm doing my best to keep myself together, but I'm so scared I'm going to misstep again and trigger him. I know it shouldn't be this way, but he is now in a very self centered headspace, so it's clear, at least for the moment until we can fully repair, that it's all on my shoulders to navigate this and make the correct moves. This is so hard. Thank you so much for making these videos for folks like me. They give me hope and much needed insight.
You cant even talk about anything with an avoidant person. If you bring up feelings, they go silent. You have to accept what you get. If you cant, move on to a normal person.
The whole “managing risk with spreadsheets to make future investments of energy”. The actual function of the brain is to make predictions for our body’s energy budget in pursuit of autonomy competence relatedness and stimulation needs. What you’re doing with that spreadsheet is making it easier for his brain to not predict future chaos. And the thing that has frustrated me dealing with someone with extreme anxious attatchment, was I actually was roughly trying to encourage her to learn to ask questions about things better, or ask for help when lost, or reach out and throw darts at random and see what you hit etc etc. I was trying to teach her to solve problems (anxious often is viscerally too in their body to do this as well, so to us it actually does and can seem crazy making, not that we aren’t emotional too) Like the whole - showing ability to work and be aware of oneself and solve or at least show ability to struggle through some problems, like my brain is trying to find some evidence that there is something other than this people pleasing with regular extreme jealous blow ups that get me walking on egg shells. But when we can’t get any signals of less risk of chaos it just seems like control.
@@witcan6001 I’ll double check, but the one that I thought was that was my mother. The anxious one seems to have some jealousy also kinda run in the family, it’s a trait that’s like 30% genetic
Sounds a lot like my husband. There was a learning curve to understanding him, but once I knew he was committed to my wellbeing and appreciated his way of showing it, I was able to love him unconditionally, which enabled us to have a very harmonious life together. I think I was more emotionally evolved and sensitive so yes, it fell on me to remain steady while he learned to be vulnerable. Edit to add: it was me doing a SWOT analysis
Literally the fact you are breathing is a reason they can't trust anyone. Yet will cheat, lie, project, injure, blame etc and happily destroy everything, like they aren't hypocrites
You're right, he won't trust you if you need to take a break. Heaven forbid you have to look out for your own feelings. I told mine I needed to take a break and he ghosted me. It's been a year now and he still won't talk. 4 years of friendship, incredible chemistry, fantastic compatibility on so many areas of our life and he chose to throw me away like garbage because I was overwhelmed by things that were going on in my life and I couldn't deal with his erratic behavior at that moment. I told him I needed space and poof he was gone forever
I hope you ladies find a good man one day, I myself am trying to "be the person I would marry". I've heard that we only attract folks that our on our same frequency. I wouldn't settle and try to change yourself for him unless you want to change yourself for you! Even the bad relationships teach us important things about ourselves.💔🥀💞
The avoidant man that I took a leap of faith with turned out to be a bum. 56 years old, broke, disbarred, deteriorating health, etc…I’m more mad at myself for seeing potential in him.
It's ironic that the advice is to talk in risk terms. They are the high risk element - not the partner. Don't get me wrong, avoidants love deeply and are beautiful souls. But they do have a problem, it impacts their partners terribly, and this approach is basically enabling. It may bring them to the table, and get closer, but any connection will essentially be on their terms, with the partner doing the emotional pirouettes needed to maintain it. Avoidants can and do pull the rug from under your feet simply for wanting normal. I've had too much heartbreak from this dynamic since I was born, and I've got the traits myself too. If a person can't manage their own emotions, they won't be able to manage yours. That's not a reasonable risk for anyone to take.
This is the very closest ive heard so far to represent my situation. Thank you thank you. Almost everything that is said is or has been happening. Thankful to have found this channel 🙏
It could possibly be of benefit if you would talk about DA s tendency to jump to conclusions without accurate information to support his distorted judgments of others or their intentions. It seems these pod casts don't help them move from their past or establish better relationships or more satisfaction in their lives.
I don't disagree. Everyone is responsible for bettering themselves and their attachment. Feeling safe, understood and loved will make the process much easier and quicker, though. Don't you agree?
Wow I think you might have just saved my relationship or I did, with your help. I think I am also avoidant... So we are a freak out bomb together... and we run away so fast. But somehow we realize that and want to get beyond that... and it is terrifying. I realized we can't both be scared, someone has got to pull it together. Set a good example and explain how easy it can be. He really liked that. 😊
@@AttachmentAdam In my experience they do not change and keep repeating the same patterns. In some cases they can improve but therapy is required, which most of them are not seeking. It sounds like we (non-avoidant) are the ones who must understand and adapt to the avoidant's behaviours, which does nothing else than to give them positive reinforcement to continue behaving like that. I am disappointed that there are almost no video's addressed TO the avoidants so that they can work on themselves towards a healthier attachment style.
I think, if not already entrenched in a marriage, you are right. Unless there is some other reason (the need for his money in order to survive, the need for stability or protection if you are in a dangerous situation, you are pregnant with his child, etc) to want a man more than you want the best parts of yourself to be appreciated, enjoyed, and encouraged. When I have to suppress my natural approaches/tendencies, my own wants/needs, and my authentic energies and talents in order to not scare away my partner, I begin to die inside. Adapting to the way of the Avoidant is exhausting. If I want to have the best of myself thrive and be positively acknowledged in a relationship and shared with the world, an Avoidant is not going to work.
@@AttachmentAdam I do think the video was very enlightening to better understand an avoidant. But I am disappointed to hear at the end you only encouraging women to change our approach to cater to their fragile state. Instead of also helping men learn to heal and what else they can do for the women who love and pour into them, starving for their attention and affection back, which they pull away and run from. You should also be encouraging men who have avoidant personality how they can better themselves as to not loose a good women. Your saying that women are the ones who need to change to accommodate to avoidant men. All this is problematic, men need to take accountability, understand what they’re doing wrong over and over, learn to heal so they can have more successful relationships. Avoidant men are going to keep running away. Telling them they are doing nothing wrong by always running away when things get hard is not helping grown men learn and adapt to good women and difficult things in life. This will be a huge downfall in relationships, marriage and god forbid there’s children in the mix. These men will bail. I can not agree with end ending of your video telling women we need to change to accommodate to these major characteristics that are limiting themselves and their partners from mutual connection and growth. The video ended on a low note for me. Excising men’s avoidant personality for running away when things are hard is not acceptable. It makes for a terrible partner and father figure. Women can not be the only ones to carry the burden, the load and be the back bone in a relationship, family or marriage. Men need to heal, take accountability and steps up.
My boyfriend and I have had ups and downs and I always try to make things work. I came across one of these Avoidant videos last week and got him to actually listen to it. He is definitely an avoidant and he agrees, now since listening to this it's his excuse for walking away or ignoring me. Instead of trying to move forward and heal and grow he'd rather just use it as an excuse for his behavior. I just don't know what to do at this point...
HE Broke the Trust, with Starvation 🚫❤🚫🌞 He's Blame Shifting & Not Accountable. He's a wounded Immature, most likely Narcissists, and if You think for a second that it's Your Fault, that you failed, that you want him back... You Are Gravely Mistaken! This is a Mind fking Soul Sucking Mess! You will Never be able to do enough to Ever earn his Love & Respect
@@rustyscrapper LMAO OF COURSE! "YOU just don't know how to... love" Really? So Love is Natural. Love flows to Many & to All... without Any Issues or problems, Except with the Unavailable. But it's Nothing to do with the Unavailable, It's "YOU" "YOU don't know how to". 😅🤣😂 Who are you trying to kid? Me? Or Yourself? Maybe He wouldn't know Love if it Ran Over the Top of Him & Smacked him in the Head! Maybe just May he Don't know How to Love Himself! That's why he can't See It, Feel it, Know it Nor Recognize it Much less Value Love! ☺ You can Fool some of the People Some of the times, but You Can't Fool Me!
I wish I had seen this video months ago. My relationship is finally done. I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I once thought I was simply the anxious attachment type, but now I realize I'm fearful avoidant. And he is definitely the avoidant type you described. I actually wish I had never gotten involved with him. I feel like it wasn't worth emotional rollercoaster. But had I seen this video sooner, maybe I could have learned how to be what he needed and communicated my needs better.
My avoudant was a Beautiful man when nice but a Nassistic in a lot of ways and could be emotionally distant or lovely depending on his personality disorder or mood I loved him very much But he was definitely all on this video and more Love is blind I've let him go he wasnt worth the heart ache and mental abuse in the end ..But will never forget him!! ❤😊
In most cases, to run away is a natural childhood trauma response. Regardless of whether it is coming from CPTSD, PTSD or some personality disorder in the large majority of cases the avoidant will not be able to identify why he is running because it is often an unconscious and involuntary act. Imo, it is unfair to suggest “simple hacks” to a struggling partner. I know that their risk of getting secondary PTSD is high. Even when we have all the “understandings” and all the “compassion” in the world” and play our risk assessment role to perfection, there is a even huger risk that after all that effort, we will be left with unfulfilled needs. Please please stop giving FALSE HOPE. The road to change for the avoidant is long and often painful for both parties. It is ok to realize that you are unwilling to accept someone as is. We are just playing with words when we reframe all this as “Yes they do love”. Even so, love is an action. If you act like a breadcrumber, a stonewaller, a liar and then run...keep running. I won’t try to change you.
What seems to be working for me is to provide consistently what be needs so I had to figure out his currency; then not to show overt care even though i know he does deep down. He tried to run once and came running back and since then, been a few months, he consistently shows openness and care. But i dont budge in showing any more care. It is expected. I Iove him deep down but never show my vulnerability so he as an avoidant feels in charge. The other strange thing is even though he is a high functioning professional he craves to be physically beaten due to feeling guilt over his life. I love him so have found that to be truly difficult but it's his currency and it keeps us functioning as a loving couple. I never bring up future plans, he does. I hope this did not appear too offensive but is fact that realising his currency changed everything.
@@fools_journeyman to be his endorphin release but remain relatively elusive. Hopefully till he starts getting release of oxytocin, GABA etc otherwise he'll stray. But intermittent straying will happen ( I need to internally controly jealousy) but I need to retain some elusiveness and appearance of not caring excessively . So probably doomed until other chemicals released or learns loyalty .
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I watched it already but need more insight
Hi
I would like to comment that I am very thankful to have come across your material
It has definitely answered a lot of questions about me & my confusion of what’s been going on & more important understanding his state of mind & being
Just like he doesn’t want to cause me any further hurt or sadness, I too don’t want to cause him any further stress or anxiety
Do you have a list of the different types of personality/character. I read & hear mainly about 2
The Avoidant and the Anxious
But are there others??
Thank you for helping us (all) to better understand
Have a good day
Shalom
How can I contact you
It’s exhausting for them but I think it’s more exhausting for their partner. The avoidant is scanning for risks;their partner is scanning for any signs of caring!
That's what I'm saying (as an avoidant woman). It's not worth it, because it isn't fair. We can't expect our partners to be our therapists.
@@unterdessen8822 My best friend is very avoidant. He has only allowed me and his sister to get close. We have been close for 40+ years and we are each other’s therapist bychoice as we have a passion for human behaviour. It may not be fair to ask this of a romantic partner but if it evolves natuarally, unforced and organically it is the best feeling in the world. So much intimacy is not for everyone and I meet with my friend twice or three times a month. If we lived under the same roof, it would exhaust him for sure.
I feel like my bf BINGES on oxytocin from me and then gets overwhelmed and freaked out and it leaves me so confused and sad. I’m not a little treat you shove your face with and then don’t allow yourself to have again for three weeks!!! I’m a human being who needs consistency!
@@unterdessen8822 That happened to a friend of mine. She was together with an avoidant man. She was successful in her well-considered approach to tackle his problems wisely with lots of love, of course, on her side, i. e. finally he was convinced he needed therapy and did so and eventually changed which took its time. He was very grateful to my friend for being so understanding, helping him and he even had remorse for having treated her so badly with tears in his eyes when he said that. But then his face cleared with joy and he said that for the first time in his life he so in love now, he knows what love is... but not with her but with another woman he had met in some group therapy session. My friend sat there and was speechless. He didn't notice but told her enthousiastically how much he would be capable of helping the other women now to understand because he felt now experienced and had something finally to give to someone. And she was just the woman he had always dreamt of... and blah blah blah. Well, he left her flat then and she never heard from him again... lol. My friend is a good christian, it helped her. She thinks she's got a bonus now when going to heaven and that was years she was busy suffering from the guy. Even a better bonus ;)
@@KaylaNoelle1he calls me his Pavlov dog (he’s a sadist also), and I told him to call me his „pavlova“ it’s a Russian (?) dessert :/
I just broke up with my avoidant partner this morning. I set clear expectations, granted space, and took the advice of many therapists. At the end of the day, I couldn't keep contending with the phantom ex that he uses to keep me at bay. I may love him, and as a secure attachment person, I have been so patient, loving, and kind. When I would try and bring up our “risks” and bring solutions he would shut down. I pray for his sake he tackles some of these issues because he is a wonderful man. I know it's not his fault, but it is his responsibility to fix it.
Same exact thing here, too. I've done everything I could to make it work for 4 years, but I just cannot compete with the annoying phantom ex. They still work together and she never stops breadcrumbing him. Recently she started giving him more attention so he's totally ignoring me now. After four years of support, understanding, love...and here we are. They'll always choose that phantom ex,ladies. Always. Even after they've complained and cried about them for years. I learned a very hard lesson!
That’s awesome you tried, set clear boundaries, and were able to leave. Hopefully this eventually becomes a lesson for him so he can truly work on himself.
Perfectly said! It’s not about demonizing them, but the DA is into everyone being responsible for themselves and this includes being responsible for their healing and accountability. Eventually I was talked out in the end because he would continuously point out my flaws and while he was a highly intelligent man, communication toward me was harsh with little regard for respect if he didn’t register feelings. I had to pick me in the end and gave him peace and kept my dignity.
Amen Amen!
@@riverchick23I'm sorry that has happened. Just know you are worthy of love as well. You had the strength to walk away and chose loving yourself and that's something to be proud of. ❤
As an avoidant man, I have to say the biggest thing that made me stop wanting to be avoidant was recognizing where the source of this avoidant behavior came from (betrayal from my mother) helped me compartmentalize the distrust to her and stop projecting it onto my romantic partners.
Kudos. Seriously.
That's really great to hear! I'm glad that you're healing!
@jersauce1337 were u able to share your story with romantic partners? Any tips on how I can get mine to open up, tell me what happened? I know that they trust me, shared something deeply personal, but nothing about childhood. Tysm! 🙏
I love the use of the “compartmentalize.” 👏🏻
Same. Currently trying to work through forgiving her as carrying this around is toxic. She has no idea I'm carrying this either, she thinks everything is fine and I see her at least once a week... although I feel the distance there, so maybe she feels it too but doesn't understand it. It's based on something from 20 years ago, where it was made clear that her emotional needs were more important than mine and so I pushed that shit down and I've put my emotions last in every relationship since with disastrous consequences. She's too old to have it out with her now so I just need too figure out how to let it go now.
It’s exhausting. I’m not going to struggle forever trying to to love someone who won’t let me.
Absolutely don't. I would say to someone, move on and be happy. No one here would expect you to.
I think many here are trying to hold families together and also heal what they can of the father children relationships through all of this.
I wish people would mention that more often and clarify because it seems to me there is a HUGE difference between dating someone like this, and trying to fix family dynamics of an existing family through learning about attachment. 🙏🏼
THATS really how it feels
💯💯💯
Unless an avoidant man is super worth it, don't go there. It's not worth the effort and time spent on them.
To create less avoidant men ill leave a few tips . Feminism , singlemotherhood , and an overall ungratefulness helps to create it . Especially in this modern world in which masculinity is constantly underattack ( chemically via food / water supply , sociallly via social media and a school system designed for feminine traits to thrive and masculine ones be suppressed as well as an over all sense of looking down upon or at the least a low value put on men who work with their hands or body for a living . Or even the growing rate at which state laws allows for women to divorce for little to no reason while utilizing the power of the state to forcibly remove his resources from him , ect ect ) the risk for a man , even an unavoidant one is absolutley massive . Its become a more and more increasing sentiment in many , and i fight thinking about it myself as being unseen , unnoticed , and unappreciated. These specific men like me and others (blue collar working avoidant types ) are painfully aware that our work is necessary for other men women and children to live any kind of civilized life , while 80% of women look at us as "low value men" . I guess simply put , why care about a world that doesnt care about us ? Ive also notoced that many women , even those who dont think they are , have been conditioned to have these feminist and "me first" attitudes and dont even know or believe they do. Idk , something ive been thinking deeply on lately , any and all input is welcome , id like to gather more data on this .
As an avoidant man, I haven’t been in a relationship or even been intimate with anyone for nearly 12 years. I’m nearly 31 and the act of opening and being vulnerable is terrifying. I’m afraid not just about connecting but being the reason for someone else’s pain, I don’t want to be the one who hurts others, so I concluded at a young age that I shouldnt interact because it’s ‘always’ going to be my fault no matter the situation.
Trying to be closer to my friends and family in hopes of one day being able to be vulnerable and intimate with a lover, is really really difficult, even just getting on a dating app is exhausting.
Add to it, that I need help and don’t know who to ask, how to ask or what to ask is usually enough for me to throw my hands up and say fuck this it’s easier to be alone. And that’s all to say that I want to know what love feels like, and I want to be a pillar of support for someone but I don’t know how to chase and work for something if I don’t even believe it is as good as everyone says it is. Hope my rant makes sense for anyone who actually reads this…
I'm the opposite and I can tell you that it's equally as exhausting. Since I was young, I found it easy to open up to people. People found it easy to open up with me. I could meet someone and within 10 minutes they'd be telling me all about their family, their likes, their hopes. But I got taken advantage of because people knew I would look past their flaws and forgive them. I was aware and limited how many chances people got, but I didn't want to stop because not everyone is like that and I was optimistic. I wanted to believe that others were different. As a result, I've been heartbroken many times. It never gets easier. I could stop and hide away from the world. Sometimes I do. But it's a lonely existence. The risk of love is a risk, but it's worth taking. Unfortunately, it's not something most people get right the first time out. Even if you do, it's not guaranteed to last. So, you have to cherish it while you have it. And it will hurt like nothing you've ever felt before. I hate love, but I also love it.
@@tropibanana4662 thanks for sharing that :) my best friend is in a similar boat that people find it very very easy to open to him. It can be exhausting for him as well as he also has to get away and recoup.
One of my many problems is that I really enjoy being alone (I joke with my friends, family and therapist that I can work in a lighthouse for a year seeing no one and I’ll be fine) ofcourse being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely and isolating can be useful I’m genuinely overwhelmed, but recognising my isolation between being useful and just a comfort zone is 2 very different things. If I don’t get out of that zone and actually make an attempt to connect to someone it will never happen. No one will ever drag me out of my cave and I fully expect no one would ever want to do that either, why would they?
Sometimes it feels like I need to be treated like a child or pandered too make baby steps but that’s humiliating in its own way, as a grown ass man I should be able to pull my own shit together and communicate these things. But that’s why TH-cam pages like this one really helps educate me and give me the understanding of how to go forward. So thanks @adamlanesmith for educating the world and all the avoidants who need the help 💚
As someone who is in a similar situation: you have worded this extremely well
Let me add to this that while I now know that I am probably an avoidant, that doesn't actually help me since it only reinforces the belief that I'll just end up hurting someone
@@Shook11 I’m also still working with this anxiety. I feel the need to parent myself and constantly tell/ remind myself that I don’t want to hurt anyone and I definitely don’t intend to hurt anyone either, if I actually intended to hurt someone then I would feel a hell of a lot worse after the fact. I’d rather not feel guilty for something I haven’t even done. But it’s a work in progress these things require consistency unfortunately, and that’s another problem in and of itself.
This is the most unsatisfying type of relationship that I have ever been in. It's a no for me.
What would you label this type of relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam It's hell. I am an anxious attachment style so when he pulls away, I push harder. Not a good balance.
@kimmywadsworth these men are the problem. Not you. We are not hamburgers or houseplants.
@@Stein99 Absolutely not. Your anxious attachment is just as much of a problem as avoidant. You also need to work on your own attachment style just as much, it's just as much of a stress on any relationship as avoidant. Telling yourself otherwise will only keep you bogged down and blaming others for your own faults.
@@DoubleOhSilverthank you. Being myself avoidant and a better fiance than an anxious attached woman I know who is preventing her husband from almost ever seeing the family again
Find someone who speaks the same language you do and let the Avoidants work it out amongst themselves. It shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t have to bend and compromise and walk on eggshells and speak the “right way” this much for both of you to get your needs met.
Agreed
But u compromise w everybody
@@Seraphina93 Well, in a relationship we both should be compromising, not just one of us, right?
Look for people who make it easy to love.
True
The thing is, he DOES know. He knew how to love me for 6 months until he got me to fall in love with him and now I feel completely unloved.
He goes into this more in another vid but the abridged version is that that is the dopamine part of the relationship and dopamine is the neuro transmitter that avoidant men do actually feel it's just when a relationship moves to a more long-term serotonin based trusting opening up and deeper vulnerable phase the avoidant brain doesn't know how to process any of that because it lacks the familiarity with any of that so a relationship at best stays in the shallow hot dates gifts and looking good for eachother territory but there is no deeper emotional connection or it just sizzels out and leaves to sad and isolated frustrated people
or its game. Men want to feel loved too so they act like they might ditch so that you give them more attention.
@@potato2248that's a sign of a toxic individual that is best left alone.
The honeymoon phase is a phenomenon that exists in all types of relationships between all types of people. The honeymoon phase lasts typically no longer than 8 months in my experience.
@@potato2248bro go get help. This isn’t a safe thought to have. God bless.
I’ve have been married to my avoidant husband for 25 years, together for 28 years. Why is it me that has to do all to work?
Auch.. That's long
@@koralia100 True, sooo true! 😶
Why do you think you are doing all the work?
@@noahjwhite Great question, and one I’m now asking myself! This video was my first introduction to Adam Lane Smith and Attachment Theory. As an anxiously attached person (I’ve now come to accept) I didn’t understand, at all, the avoidant. I fell into the trap of trying to force feelings, suicide for our relationship. I’ve now flung myself into this theory which is (I’m not joking) saving our marriage. Thank you for asking!
Jesus imagine being with someone like this for decades and feeling bad about it, yikes.
Ladies....my advice is......RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! YOU are FAR MORE IMPORTANT than a broken person who will only BREAK YOU in return. LEAVE THESE TYPES ALONE!!!!
And the long silent treatment as punishment is emotionally exhausting
Yep. And when we ask why..you get that "nothings wrong" gaslighting....to try to make you feel nuts. These men are abusers. Don't look back.
@@Stein99 obviously it comes across as that - its not purposeful narcissistic behavior
@@Stein99 Their self-isolation is how they self regulate. Same way a healthy partnership can co-regulate. This is just how they think. They don't know how you think because they barely know how they think or feel. How could they know how you think or feel?
Everyone says avoidants are afraid of commitment or don't commit. I think thats bogus. Their dedication to repeating the same patterns of behavior over and over- expecting different results every time- is a level of commitment fantasized by even the most secure couples! 🙃
Excellent. Commitment to their own pain and trauma limitations potentially
Good analogy!
Commitment is a conscious choice. Repeating patterns of behavior is an unconscious trauma response.
I can't imagine why avoidant men wouldn't want to be around such thinking.
If they can run a company they can have happiness too! It starts within to heal.
This sounds like my past relationship as he gave me S. E. X. And gifts. That’s all I know now. 🤦♀️🤦♀️.
@@jessecortez9449 they are very much conscious and know what they're doing... believe... is just easier for them to go to the next person every time expecting one they to find the one that will put up with all their crap.
Been there. Done that. Never again will I give Into trying to love or be in relationship with a high maintenance avoidant man. It’s a soul sucking situation.
Can I ask, did he know he was avoidant? I didn't for years, I was just in pain that I pushed down. I'm processing it all now and feel close to secure for the first time ever. I think once the reality is clear to avoidants the change can happen. Although I think they need to figure it out for themselves.... I don't think anyone could have told me this 5 years ago. I had to figure it out cognitively and emotionally on my own for it to really register in my psyche. I guess what I'm saying, is if someone is aware and wants to change maybe there's hope.
@@bingobriano6021
Absolutely! I think more than hope. I wonder if someone who has gone through this transformation ends up appreciating love even more.
Glad you loved yourself enough to make these changes. It's probably scary. Anytime an avoidant has insight in these comments it helps everyone.
Soul sucking is a great definition!
For sure!
Amen
Actually no. They are the least direct people I’ve ever met. They will completely sidestep direct communication and crumple when spoken to directly. They want it to be indirect so as not to hurt their ego. It’s crazy honestly. Everyone has traumas and everyone needs healing, but it’s up to them. And the best thing would be to avoid a relationship until you are healed and aware of your patterns, instead of lovebombing someone and then pulling away and blaming them for the distance. It’s actually very sick and sad.
💯
Heh. That's my experience with women. I am looking for an opportunity for to turn down the wom's advances. It is never ending hints, passive aggresiveness, love bombing, mind games, and the like. If wom were just blunt with me, I would tell you "No" to save you the trouble. Instead we drag it on until I leave or you give up. I am looking for a direct opportunity to say "no".
@jenid8133 this sounds like a narcissistic relationship. Sorry if you are dealing with or have dealt with that.
I told him
If he doesn’t see a therapist I’m not staying with him
100% agree. They whole relationship becomes a completely gaslight.
To whoever who needs to hear this: What is meant to be yours will stay and what isnt will pull themselves away
Let them go. Find a secure attachment and live happily ever after.
Yeah...great advice, if you want to have to think about everything you say and the way you say it, as opposed to being with someone who relates to how you communicate because they communicate the same way. I've had both kinds of relationships...I don't need to tell you which one was most fulfilling and enjoyable. 😊
Take accountability people it’s not hard it’s called grow up. I have dealt with an avoidant and it was suck a waste of time. A beautiful intelligent enigmatic individual but with no accountability for his actions and always empty promises.
Play them back it works
Yes. I just say, "No, thanks!" to marriage to one of them.
I couldn't possibly marry one of these.
True😢
Men just want sex it's okay.
I'm terrified my avoidant husband is inching toward divorce. Or depression. He won't talk to me. If I draw back and not say the first words, he will enter and exit the house without speaking. We have different diets because of my weight loss, so we cook separately. He hasn't touched me in almost a year, and it had been over a year the time before that. We have been together 26 years and have 3 grown girls. I thought we would reconnect when the kids moved out. We grew further apart instead, so I focused on getting my health back. Now, I feel emotionally starved. I don't think he's malicious, but I feel like it's unintentional emotional abuse. I've tried buying books, throwing dopamine at him, changing the way I speak, giving him room to approach me, and joining him in his hobbies. Nothing has worked. My friends tell me to start saving money and research alimony in my state.
I don't want to lose him, but I don't think I could live like this much longer. I used to think the world would swallow me up and crush me if he left, now I feel like it might hurt less to be on my own.
This sounds exactly what I went through. He did end up leaving. I now wish I would not have wasted so much of my life. I tried everything. We went to 4 counselors. It never moved the needle unfortunately.
ManTalks has a great video on How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship where he explains the problem behaviors both people do and what each one needs to do.
I also love the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton. It explains why conversations are so hard and how to navigate them without attacking.
At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. I finally hit a breaking point and I left after 18 years. Divorce is awful and dating in middle age sucks. But I'm trying to heal. I need someone who is willing to put in the work.
Leave him. He will never change and continue to torture you.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766🎉 congrats!
Did you try and communicating the problems via a letter/message?
If direct confrontation is difficult, I always try this.
To adress critique/problems/behaviour I recommend to write "me sentences" ->" I feel like this, when you do this." or "I like that you are doing... but from time to time I would like you to do... and not "You did.", "You make me feel...".
Maybe he senses that you are terrified and which makes him also terrified and gives him the impression, that he will get divorced soon.
In such situations I remember, that if I fear to lose somebody and cling more to him, he will get more distant. (a self fullfilling prophecy)
Without knowing his thoughts about it, I cant say, how to act on it.
I wish you the best.
I will say, that his " Risk Assessment " makes Me Feel On Edge and Unsafe! So his Fears are Manifesting/ mirroring Fears in me. I am Guarded around him because I can't relax & feel safe, so I'm on edge & he can now prove to himself that there's "Risks" as apposed to Dealing with his core wounds and Being Safe within Himself & then I'll Feel Safe in his presence... 😒
Empty promises, lies, and chasing the unavailable. I run the risk assessment consistently as a result of his actions. The only answer is to love from a distance. I wanted to love him to health. But he won’t heal until he loves himself.
Ok so …. 5 months in to our second time around ( first time lasted 1.5 years on and off lots of confusion and arguments anxious and avoidant struggle) we took an 11 month break and I focused on myself. then he came back.
I resisted, then gave in
I started to do my research and started to listen and change my thinking and mentality. I leaning more securely attached (sometimes get anxious) but with communication the anxiety is taken away.
I’ve learned more about him in 5 months than I did in 1.5 years.
2 weeks ago he told me he loved me out of no where.
Then at a gathering in front of his friends and family (his closest friends)
He called me his girlfriend out loud I was shocked by this because he is a very private person and doesn’t talk about his relationships and he has never given me a title before
It’s going well and I’m enjoying my time I think he trusts me more now so his guard is coming down.
It’s so refreshing to hear this. Not my case but love fact that it does get better for some. I hope it works out for both of you.
Wonderful news! I especially like that you recognize your own shortcomings. So many comments are demonizing avoidant people when it take two people to build a relationship.
Beautiful ❤
What did you do differently?
Honestly I prayed for patience and focused on my own attachment style.
I Learned to listen and stop taking everything personally
Stop being reactive
When we would disagree and I could see him zoning out I would stop because I could feel myself getting angry and he was just shutting down
I would journal what I had to say they come back to it when we were both in a better place and he would normally listen then
Gave him space when I felt he was struggling
It’s 7 months now
This week was difficult I sensed he was being distant
So I just backed off a bit and focused on myself.
I anyways make sure I feel fine and in a good place before I address any issues we have
That way I am calm and he is less defensive
I ask if he needed space he said no
We spoke yesterday
He told me he was struggling but didn’t want to talk about it.
We should be meeting today
So hopefully it goes well.
He genuinely thinks I’m a weirdo because I don’t give ultimatums but I state what I want when he brings it up. It confuses him. Speaking his language or using some of these scripts is still a lot for him to take in.
I ran into this too. I used the language Adam stated. My Avoidant partner was speechless at first and then suspicious. So I guess it comes down to who is willing to accept the risk of believing you are secure enough to not give ultimatums and that you are being genuine. Ultimately it will also be a factor that the person you are with may not be ready for it.
Hope it works but unless he works on himself it won't work. Boy bye!
I feel that the issue is that he’s made the assumption that I must be like everyone else. I’ve never had more patience and understanding in my life but there’s nothing I can do or say to make him understand. So I back away to allow space. That said, he has to decide that he wants more on his own and he has to let go of the past.
Do you back away completely or still check in with him?
Completely. I don’t reach out when I’m sure he’s pulling away. I’ve let go overall and if it’s to be it’ll be. I still love him deeply however I truly love him unconditionally. I only reach out when we have consistent dialogue and interaction.
Ugh
I’ve been no contact for two weeks
He posts sad/ romantic songs every two days, hasn’t reached out.
Other DA/ best friend has texted twice in two weeks and I don’t react.
I love them like I’d love children too.
Unconditionally
I do the same. He just came back after 1 week, I’m only going to talk to him if he wants to.
@@belle3055 That sounds less stressful to just put the ball in his court like that. I've shown nothing but kindness, so he can decide if he wants to proceed. Thanks!
So having standards drives them away. Got it.
It really does.
Yes or expectations God forbid
Ha! Unfortunately yes!
I guess at some point each avoidant decides whether it's time to fly or take these standards seriously! If they stay, seems like lots of healing for them. I like thinking that sometimes that's a potential of relationships.
@@tellitlikeitis5028As someone married to an avoidant man who is heavily influenced by his even more avoidant best friend this made me crack up laughing because it's so true!
No. You are simply not their preference. You are poison. Stay away from them, for their sake.
Thanks for explaining to women why we should leave avoidant men, despite loving them. They can't give us what we want, they don't mean to but they can't.
@@CitiesOfAshyou sound like a man who doesn't take responsibility for his part in the relationship
@@mn0g0nm You sound like a woman with doubles
digit body counts, good for you 304. Spread those legs I mean love.
@@CitiesOfAsh What do you mean by unconditional loyalty though?
@@mn0g0nm You sound like a woman that blames men for all her problems and her infidelity. Did I strike a nerve? You have a history of cheating? Why so defensive?
@CitiesOfAsh would you give unconditional loyalty to someone you thought didn't love you back or just flat out is not being loving towards you ever? Unrequited love is not where it's at. For some reason avoidant men can't wrap their heads around women running risk assessments on them and deaming them to be too high of risk to deal with.
Reminds me of me living with a narcissist for many years. I’m feeling like that “ plant in the closet” too.
Narcissists usually date other narcissists.
Also how do we deal when he just endlessly says "I feel guilty for hurting you" yet he doesn't take responsibility for his own feelings or behaviors? This is just an extra burden for us to manage.
Hah! So true
“You are such a good person, it pains me when I hurt you”
"I not meaning to hurt you" is what I've gotten. As he continued to do the same thing over and over. Unfortunately, they have to want to at least be a teeny tiny willing to give too. It's not fair and it's not healthy for either person.
@@nicholn1607 weaponized incompetence
Omg this is bang on
Absolutely, I know a man like that right now,he is a good friend,a great soul,I pray he helps himself to be the man GOD wants him to be.he is wasting so much time for himself to enjoy some joy and happiness and LOVE for his inner child and his adult man.
Prayers
You are the first I've seen define DAs on point with respect and in detail for not only us to understand but how to handle the relationship the right way!! Your a true blessing for us involved.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm grateful for the opportunity to provide clarity and support for those navigating relationships with DAs.
If he doesn't want to he doesn't want me.
Painful experience for me..
Almost nine years, I've given and given and given, never hurt him (me 55, him 56), always been there, gotten him in every way thru five operations, and ex wife who controls everything, his kids (22, 25, 30) are manipulated by her, he has Asperger's, business owner..... He's had two affairs on me during this time, we've held it together, I've been patient, loving, committed, and ALL I'VE ASKED FOR is the emotional connection.... He can speak the words i love you, he can be minimally affectionate... After almost 9 years we see each other three nights a week, yes, even less than we did two years ago... So much of the avoidant sounds true for him, and whilst i am more than understanding, the starvation, neglect, omitting of self is cruel. I don't know if there's anything else i can do.
Sounds like he is the one manipulating the situation, not his ex. Maybe you need to stop projecting everything that he does in your relationship with him, on his ex, even you feel horrible because of his behaviour and avoidance... so does everyone else off course, or do you think that his children and his ex wife haven't experienced this emotional pain because of his attachment problems? Do you really believe you are the only one who this felt this? Who is his next partner going to blame when you break up and she will experience the same emotional and spiritual abuse? If she is lacking accountability, like you do right now, she might put all this blame on you as well. Does that sound righteous? Who is the main carachter in all these disfunctional relationships? His ex? You? Or he? Acting as if his problems, although he is an adult, are an ex her fault is exactly why you are in this unloving situationship for 9 years already. It's a sign of spiritual weakness on your side as well, you accept this, and blame it on another women instead of him. That's denial. instead of acknowledging your own lack of self love, self respect and self esteem, by chasing and accepting less than you deserve... you now made a story up in your mind that his ex is to blame... not him.. he is so troubled, I love him so much, it's everyone's else's fault, but not him. You created a monster in your life ... who drains you for all you have. Your energy is golden, now you have an energy vampire in your life and call it your partner... Avoidant people are manipulating everything through passive aggressive behaviours .. Think of it this way, are you happy with him? does he always makes you feel wanted, safe, protected, loved, seen supported, united, harmonious etc?.or does he create feelings of separation, anxiety, on and off harmonious connectedness, do you feel unhappy? Than who is to blame? Who is the main carachter in his life that avoids and hurts people because of lack of taking accountability for his emotions, feelings and wounds. That's being emotional immature, and that's what ruins every relationship. So take a look at the why you accept this, instead of blaming an ex. She is out off his life for 9 years already, yet you are still experiencing the same pain and emotional disconnection from him. Grow up, get real with yourself and stop blaming an ex for your lack of wisdom and his lack of maturity and accountability. This isn't love, this is an unhealthy, codependent situationship that will never create a happy loving partnership. Blessed be.
Put yourself first. Love him. Put yourself FIRST.
I keep circling back to you, Adam when I need a refreshed sense of empathy for my avoidant man. He’s been committed to me for many years without hesitation and is the best partner in every other way except in the arena of validating my anxious emotions.
Literally every other resource out there about relationships demonize these people and say “just leave”. I agree that’s maybe the best approach when you’re young and have only been dating for a matter of months, but it’s not the easy solution for everyone.
Agree but many are dealing with stonewalling, deactivation behaviors (meanness to create emotional distance), etc
It can get very complex when there are children involved.
@@nakitanashmeanness as long as they snap because they need space and u know and they know,
Let them have that space talk to him.
And stonewalling is just a few days circling avoiding and then hugging him
Wish to be there one day
I think these type of men are selfish
ManTalks has a great video on How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship where he explains the problematic behaviors that each person does and what each person should do.
You had me pegged at 5:52 doesn't feel loved, a priority, he 's just stringing her along. Wow, Adam, I've just watched 3 of these videos and all of the anxiety, heartache, and resentment have melted away. Thank you !!!!!
Oh heck no. I have a lot of options with secured men who are high performing. I don’t have time for this.
Lol!! LOVE this comment :)
Ah but then there's karma and pre birth arrangements for growth.....Lucky you you don't have this.
I hope avoidants can eventually find someone that work for them but I’m only interested in working on a relationship with someone who’s interested in working on it with me like a team.
When they pull away and run I just take it as a lack of interest or we’re incompatible and I have to pull away as well.
Understand the Avoidant. . But using this decription of being avoidant
As you've decribed....
He's just strung me along.... and I've been faithful even long distance..... waiting for any sign of caring....
I've been patient for years, been faithful in my being....
I know he's gotten his oxytocin else where.....
I'm not trapping him.
But it's time to let go.
I think you might mean that he's gotten his dopamine elsewhere?
Honey he wasn’t being avoidant. He was just not fully invested in the relationship. Avoidance is a spectrum and much more complicated than that:
I see a lot of really scathing comments here lacking compassion. I think a lot of people fail to comprehend that severe damage has happened, and it is very hard to fix.
Thank you!! Someone of these comments just reek that their person wasn’t really into them and strung them along. There is also a lack of accountability around why they chose to be in a relationship that didn’t serve them.
I think a lot of people are exhausted with having to give so much of themselves towards an avoidant partner and feel like they never get anywhere. It's not a failure of comprehension, it's being tired of putting in the work and getting very little out of it. The fact that they're here watching this video shows that they are willing to put in the work and trying hard to fix it.
@@tropibanana4662 I understand, at the same time, I think we generally need to discuss the emotional unavailability with men in general, avoidant or not. Personally, I am learning most men are avoidant, and I think we should really teach women how to approach relationships with men differently, because if I have to do all this to maintain a relationship with you, then you didn't learn basic relationship skills, or were taught differently how to navigate in a relationship, which is also the case. Avoidant attachment is a trauma response, and I think navigating a relationship should be a different set of skills than addressing your trauma. To your point, I think people need to stop trying to give so much of themselves to other people, and go where they are loved, instead of waiting or wanting to fix someone who isn't doing for themselves.
Same with being with these people.
@@tropibanana4662 yes. yes. but women do this also. my wife is full on avoidant
They have no fear, they have contempt. They need to feel in control
The "assistant" comment really got me. I've told my DA husband of 20 years (together 25) that I work for him and when I've got done what he needed done, he was over it. Now, I am.
I tried...and tried.... Im done...
It's just not worth it
From having an avoidant girlfriend and a covert narcissist it's like the definition of insanity over and over again. I swear the blind would be able to see better than an avoidant and I'm sorry to say but I believe they shouldn't date until they heal because they don't even notice the pain and destruction that they cause
@@doublesidestephustler6094 he is indeed blind for my hurt and pain etc. It is so messed up ..💔😭
Same here.
@doublesides I know many avoidants who do notice the pain and destruction but fear is like an uncontrollable switch that goes on and once triggered you can’t turn it off. Many try to heal but fail. A part of an avoidant’s healing is to go through excruciating frustration each time they fail. This leaves them deleted of any desire to continue putting any effort into any relationship. I tried and watched him fail 8 years and that literally makes me the crazy one not him. He really tried to warn me. Every case, however, is different.
The one sure thing sounds exactly like a huge risk. An avoidant doesn’t want all their eggs in one basket. If you rely on someone, then they have power to hurt you. If you rely on them as your one sure thing they can destroy you.
The opposite is how secure people think. Humans aren't a stock portfolio 😂. Quite the opposite. An entire portfolio in one person. Multiple people causes loss of energy and loss of jet fuel whereas a dyad is the only guaranteed energy multiplication device
Or they fail to see a big risk that could be a big win. Epic! Life is risk like business and an awesome reslionship with someone that could make you happier is a big big mistake I’d think.
Nobody destroys me. I'm very resilient.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix no body destroys me either because I never put them in a position to do so.
@@hspinnovators5516 How secure are you when you go after avoidant people?
This is the best explanation I’ve ever heard.
Thank you so much, I'm glad this was helpful!
This video makes it even clearer to me that I don’t want a man like this (avoidant attachment style).
And when you Do show him fairness, kindness, safety, & Intimacy and he's Avoidant...Runnnnnn!!!! Run 🏃♀️ for your life & Avoid his Neglectful, Abusive, Self Centered Avoidant Style
This video is gold to me. On Saturday I decided to block my dismissive avoidant ex off of everything as I was the only one reaching out and calling him to fix things. I wish I had learned about all this sooner because he’s in complete deactivation and there’s nothing I can do until he’s ready to open up and work on this with me. I really appreciate your content as this could have saved our relationship. I can’t force him to heal or learn about healthy relationships, I can only work on myself and hope for the best. I will continue to practice how to have conversations with others in this way. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Watched with my boyfriend today and his response was “wow! I actually feel seen”
Don't show him the comments section haha
Awesome! I’m proud of you ☺️
As someone who is avoidant type, I am fully aware of how I feel and react to most of the things in relationship, it is constant battle still. Was married to a wonderful women, problem is she was anxious type, it went downward spiral and made her almost go insane because of lack of intimacy. She left after four years. Wish i found this kind of advice and channel before…
You knew what she needes...why did you torture her with lack of intimacy? Was it a power play?
@@Stein99would love to see an answer to this!
Answer the person below, please, thank u🦋
Thank you very much for explaining. And thank you but no, thank you. I am not prepared to study someone's attachment style in order to have a somewhat acceptable relationship with them. That is not a relationship. If a person is not able or willing - for ANY reason, doesn't matter what it is - to reciprocate and participate in a relationship equally, then that person is not for me. They should do the work on healing their shadow self, and become able to have healthy relationships. It is not up to us women to fix them. Yes, it is good to understand things, and whys and whats, but that is as far as I would go. You made this sound, as even your title indicates, that we are doing something wrong. While the opposite is the case. How about they study our attachment style, lol. Joking of course, but yes we need to feel safe and understood too. A relationship is a 2 way road.
@ Adam Lane Smith I immensely appreciate your content. You have just singlehandedly saved a thirty year marriage. ❤ You are definitly a subject matter guru and GOAT in this attachment style. Thanks for your infinite contributions.
Fully agree with your assessment of Adam!!!
I'm truly humbled by your words. It means a lot to know that my content has made a positive impact on your marriage. Thank you for your kind words and support. ❤
Thank you Elizabeth ❤
Every other risks that doesn’t involve emotions are nothing, the moment it’s about emotional risk, they run like hell. It's an autopilot that is out of their grasp for any kind of calculation.
Adam, you are the only person who has ever ever explained this. I've been with him for 2 years. This is exactly what I've observed ...he is very much committed but i now understand how he sees risks. Yes...risk, that's what he is assessing ...there's so much you have explained here. Ty ty ty,
I'm glad to hear that my explanation resonated with you and provided clarity. Understanding each other's perspectives can make a world of difference in relationships. If you need further guidance, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
You described me to a "t". I didn't know what I didn't know until I knew I didn't know it. When you say "practical" I say "pragmatic". Great description of an Avoidant!
Mind blown! This is absolutely spot on for my Avoidant guy! The concept of discussing our relationship in terms of risks, investments, and measurable emotions is unlike anything I've ever heard about love. In fact, it deviates from romantic norms. But I realize it's just what my man needs to feel safe. I'll definitely be watching this video again.
This is another gold mine, again! Watching this again.. writing down things, again. Though I have a serious question about my investment in the relationship. What if I'm not that young anymore, nor can I have children? What do I have to offer him then?
Our biological time of life is LIMITED.
Don't waste your irreplaceable years, days, hours going on roads which won't lead you to happiness and fulfillment.
Better to be single than in a painfull or humiliating relationship.
Do not waste your life, when you will be old in your bed to die nobody will offer you not even 5 extra minutes to live.
Love this video. I've noticed avoidant men's love language is often acts of service/gifts so this makes sense. I love the spreadsheet idea because it keeps everyone on the same page and doesn't leave anything up in the air, much clearer communication. Could you make a video for women who have disorganized attachment? I've noticed that my trouble is in the dating/commitment phase. It feels like polar opposites, either dating someone where it's constant games from people waiting a week to get a text back or on the other extreme having my week pre-planned and held hostage by someone who needs to see me and know what I'm doing at all times. I'm sure that there is something I'm overlooking and would love to hear your play-by-play. Thanks, you rock!
I KNEW YOU WERE A CHRISTIAN!!!! This teaching embraces real love; loving an avoidant requires Christlike mercy and understanding a d patience.....God bless you Adam! Pray for me to get back with my exhusband/ christian from 40 years ago !!!
I think whether avoidant, anxious or fearful avoidant they are all insecure attachment styles. If none of these 3 categories of people decide to take steps to heal they will always be triggered by something.
For me I am more aware of the love bombing stage. Once I see that before I become anxious. I state my needs clearly if I see I push back I walk away. I no longer let it get to a stage where I am triggered by a behavior to become anxious.
Healthy love is slow and progressive and clear and respectful of boundaries.
All people need love. All people need to be responsible for the beginning of their healing. It should never be anyone’s responsibility to heal anyone but join them in the journey.
I find out of all the insecure attachment avoidants are the hardest. The last to see therapy unless it might cost them a spouse. The other 2 would be more willing to change and seek help.
By the grace of the father I will never ever date another avoidant unless they are ready to heal. The healing process from the pain of them hurts so bad.
Great comment. 100% agree with everything you've said here, it's fair and wise.
haha this comment makes me so happy ive never tried with any women.
Thank you for your kind explanations, Adam. I’m learning about my AA and I shared my fears/needs with a woman tonight. She took it GREAT and is very supportive. Your kindness and clear understanding of avoidance (my profile) brings me back to listen to you. I’m gonna keep working on it. Thank you.
It's my pleasure and privilege. You’re doing great by sharing your fears and needs openly. That’s a huge step in building healthy communication. What’s one thing you feel proud of in how you’re handling your attachment style so far? Keep up the good work!
that's why leave. when he becomes distant, leave. he is not going to change...
What determines if he will change or not in your opinion?
@@AttachmentAdam i'm sorry. i can't think of any. i don't care either. i have encountered people who were avoidant. so if they avoid me, i avoid them too. i don't have the time to tinker with their brains trying to determine what will or will not change them. i already have enough to worry about trying to recover from the abandonment they did. if they want to be free, then they can be free all they want. i just don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.
@AttachmentAdam , as you know, an avoidant has to see what he's doing & want better for himself. Tbh, old patterns die hard, & often get worse when they get confirmation that they're unlovable by behaving poorly. They need to get help, & warn prospective partners same as if they had an incurable std, bc avoidance is unhealthy, destructive & needs mgmt.
@@earthling7183 well, good luck with that. maybe they will be able to get it from someone or somewhere else. me, i'm done. i really believe when you leave behind a pattern of broken relationships, you need to start asking yourself why. it's a cause for you to look inside and find out what's wrong with you. as far as i'm concerned, if someone is avoidant, they should not be in a relationship. they need to work on themselves first. i keep on hearing that you get better in handling relationships when you are in a relationship, not when you are out of it. maybe true. the thing is, no one has the right to subject their partners into the horrendous behaviors of an avoidant person. no one.
Time to grow up. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m losing everything and last thing I need is his avoidance.
Are you two unable to communicate effectively?
@@AttachmentAdam seriously? We communicate our needs all the time. They don't listen. Its not our problem it's his.
This makes so much sense to me now, I have to feel safe before I put myself in such a vulnerable place, if I feel there's any risk this person could betray me I don't bother to put my heart into it, so when the relationship inevitably fails I'm not heartbroken about it. I have loved men but I don't think I've ever been IN love and that's my biggest complaint because they don't feel that from me but in turn they end up doing what I had expected from them because of it. It's a vicious cycle but I think I'd rather be alone than to experience an heartbreak. That's where I fall weak. People who can love fully are brave and I respect it but I would never risk it
This is an excellent video, and it is very illuminating. I’m curious if you’re interested in doing more videos on disorganized attachment. Sometimes when I try to talk to my boyfriend, he is reactive, so I assume that means there’s some fearful avoidant coping mechanism present. I’ve dealt with that in my life too, and I have worked to become more secure. But I think disorganized attachment/fearful avoidant is a little bit tricky to understand …it doesn’t feel to me like it’s just a combination of the two. I watch things on other channels about it, but I would love your take.
We should stop turning ourselves into pretzels for these avoidants. Leave them to get therapy. My behaviours work with a securely attached. It's not me that's the problem.
Can you do a video on toxic phantom exes, and why a new, more loving partner, can never compete with them?
Yes THIS and why they project all their mothers garbage onto you, completely unable to see who you truly are
Yes please! ❤
He could be a Narcissist and he is using triangulation with the ex. Look up covert narcissist behaviors.
that could be a good name for a band, but I would also be interested in this topic. Maybe another youtuber would be better suited for this.
Imagine waking on a rickety bridge: your heart rate goes up, adrenaline goes up, you're more observant, you're more in the moment, you feel alive. Compare that to walking over a secure bridge: you barely register anything, you feel safe and you just go. That's the difference between an insecure partner and a secure partner. That's why experts recommend doing new activities with your partner: so you can get those feelings of uncomfortable-ness.
If you enjoy todays video please consider liking the video, leaving a thoughtful comment or sharing the video with a friend to help support the channel!
Hello Adam - I can’t find where your TH-cam members link to join is for the monthly subscription payment. I can’t afford to pay US$ for your community group, but I appreciate this option :) thx
AVOID THE AVOIDANT MAN.
LOL :D
It’s like the only thing you can do. You can’t force someone to stay
Thank you. No one has time for Childs play.
Lol, I thought the same thing about my avoidant ex fiance. Actually ended up stopping behind her at a stop light today she pretended not to even notice or see me despite looking straight into my eyes in the review mirror. It seemed pretty avoidant to me😂
Needless to say, it didn't phase me. I deserve to be loved and can do better 💯 😌
Wished her the best despite all the cheating, lies, and manipulation future faking was the worst before we split that was around the time my aunt and father died and my mother fell sick oh when my father died my mother and sister split so alone i am but happy with GOD the pain made me change from anxiously attached to emotionaly secure very quickly, but such things are definitely not for me a better me I ended up becoming. Gained 12kg at the gym in two months naturally, of course, and have had huge gains, mentally emotionaly, spirituality, and within the soul. Of course, I love how I learn to love myself
And whoman never ever want that again but greatfull I am for the self gains I have been blessed with its literally changed me for the better.
Was driving to the gym today and coincidentally stopped behind her after her telling me she is on the other side of south Africa she did what she an avoidant does best and pretended I didn't exist my car is rare so there can be no excuse when she looked back into the rear view mirror at the stop light it was hilarious😂😂😂
Had enough cheating and deception to last me a life time I don't know why some avoidants do that and continue to string you along with breadcrumbs 😅
Such childish behavior is not for me I'd much rather prefer making a little munchkin with a real woman than dating a 32 year old child 😅
He needs to heal before being in relationship . 😢
I see where you're coming from. What steps do you think are crucial for someone to heal before entering a relationship?
Healing is a journey and it starts in a relationship. It’s not our jobs to heal anyone but we can walk alongside those we love and support them in healing their wounds if they’re open to it. We really have to shift our mindsets. We want others to have grace with us and those of us with attachment wounds deserve love, support, and connection too.
Men not trusting - risk assesment
Women not trusting - neurotic
It’s weird how it is only considered logical when men do it. Men not willing to risk anything for commotment - logical. Women not trusting men to not hurt them - illogical, “not all men”
I hear you, but what made you feel like I was labeling all women as illogical or neurotic?
@@AttachmentAdam sorry, I didn’t mean you. It was more a comment on how our society views it in general. I do realise that when you call i risk assesment you are using the vocabularity of an avoidant man to give an insight into his brain.
I can’t do it anymore. I’m in my darkest moments… I’m over it.
I'd love to help. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me on support@adamlanesmith.com so we can get through this together.
I had to write a clear concise letter to my sweet avoidant to give him freedom to decide what he wants to do. I said what I need. I said until he’s ready for that I will be out and living life. I told him how much I love him and how I want to be fair to him at this time and consider his needs. I don’t know how he will respond and I am nervous because he can get temperamental. But the houseplant in the closet is EXACTLY how I feel, getting all dolled up to go out and getting texts from him at the END of a night of waiting to be told he can’t make it. We both deserve to be loved the right way and right now he needs to get himself sorted out (in divorce process now). But I also left the door of communication open if he needs to talk. Not sure what’s going to happen here. 😢❤
Praying for you 🙏❤️
ETA…I just reread your comment and…are you the mistress?? Is he married?
Same..I gave up. He friend zoned me and I was still in freeze mode, no way to live. This was the hardest break up of my life. It’s been over a month and he’s decided to leave me on read at a time when I was my most vulnerable. Such a kick in the gut.
@@sadiqua7 I hear that. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and be so vulnerable just to be left reaching for nothing. I know he has feeling for me, I know there’s love there but the fear keeps everything frozen. Sucks. Sorry we are in that same boat. Hopefully things smooth out for you and life is better soon. ❤️
@@amberlorraineOG it was not what I wanted or signed on for but yes I unknowingly was his mistress for a year. He swore he was fully separated, then he sent a picture of himself out to dinner somewhere fancy. I was working so I asked who he went with and he casually said it was her birthday and he “had to” take her out. I said “you’re not getting divorced are you” and he absolutely lost it saying I should have known what was going on (no, I had no clue) and dumped me. It was over 4 months and he came back but only briefly and then just weird texts and video chats. So yesterday I had to tell him I can’t do this, it is a half love and he needs more time to figure his stuff out. But I left it open for him somewhat because I still love him.
@@mookeystinks190(tell her~ doesn’t she deserve to know he’s cheating on her (and you since u didn’t know)?)
If she’s kind she won’t tell him…
THANK YOU, Adam, for making TOTAL SENSE…You make Avoidant partners more understandable…Unlike ANY other relationship coaches…You are teaching me to SAVE my current relationship with a WONDERFUL Avoidant…One I hope to create a successful relationship with…❤
You don't need to understand...just leave and don't loom back
Wow Adam thank you so much for breaking down how to communicate with an Avoidant. Your amazing 🤩 keep up this beautiful work to help relationships run more smoothly 😊
Absolutely! Thanks a lot for the love and support! I appreciate you ❤
I love all your advice and am so glad I found your channel. I love how you are offering advice on how not to demonize an avoidant man, yet I'm confused as to why you aren't offering advice on how to not demonize anxious women on your other videos????
When I read the comments, I seems most people are dealing with disorganized and calling it avoidant.
I'm avoidant, show me I can trust you. If I am assigned and handling 70-80% of household duties, handle the 20-30% you have. Don't create a crisis. If you are not able to handle something, then say something in a timely fashion. Dependability is what an avoidant is looking for.
Disorganized (also called fearful avoidant) are not the same as avoidant. They neither trust themselves or you
Well said. As I'm reading the comments. red flags are going off. They are writing If I bring it up he has a temper,(manipulation) he is critical of me all the time,(devaluing) the ex is always better.(That's triangulation) “You are such a good person, it pains me when I hurt you”(but I will do it again) So having standards drives them away.(the narc is the only one who matters in the "Relationship") The energy from these comment make me think that they have been in relationships with covert narcissist's. Not the avoidant men.
I'm here listening this morning while working, after a near miss with my partner hitting the big red button. I'm doing my best to keep myself together, but I'm so scared I'm going to misstep again and trigger him. I know it shouldn't be this way, but he is now in a very self centered headspace, so it's clear, at least for the moment until we can fully repair, that it's all on my shoulders to navigate this and make the correct moves. This is so hard. Thank you so much for making these videos for folks like me. They give me hope and much needed insight.
Change your whole self for the avoidant be toxic just like them ! and probably still leave you!
Yes! That’s was my experience. I am working on ME so that I will never be attracted to another avoidant.
You cant even talk about anything with an avoidant person. If you bring up feelings, they go silent. You have to accept what you get. If you cant, move on to a normal person.
The whole “managing risk with spreadsheets to make future investments of energy”. The actual function of the brain is to make predictions for our body’s energy budget in pursuit of autonomy competence relatedness and stimulation needs. What you’re doing with that spreadsheet is making it easier for his brain to not predict future chaos. And the thing that has frustrated me dealing with someone with extreme anxious attatchment, was I actually was roughly trying to encourage her to learn to ask questions about things better, or ask for help when lost, or reach out and throw darts at random and see what you hit etc etc. I was trying to teach her to solve problems (anxious often is viscerally too in their body to do this as well, so to us it actually does and can seem crazy making, not that we aren’t emotional too) Like the whole - showing ability to work and be aware of oneself and solve or at least show ability to struggle through some problems, like my brain is trying to find some evidence that there is something other than this people pleasing with regular extreme jealous blow ups that get me walking on egg shells. But when we can’t get any signals of less risk of chaos it just seems like control.
Look up covert narcissus behaviors. The jealous and walking on eggshells is a big tell.
@@witcan6001 I’ll double check, but the one that I thought was that was my mother. The anxious one seems to have some jealousy also kinda run in the family, it’s a trait that’s like 30% genetic
Sounds a lot like my husband. There was a learning curve to understanding him, but once I knew he was committed to my wellbeing and appreciated his way of showing it, I was able to love him unconditionally, which enabled us to have a very harmonious life together. I think I was more emotionally evolved and sensitive so yes, it fell on me to remain steady while he learned to be vulnerable. Edit to add: it was me doing a SWOT analysis
This is where I’m at. I feel like another friend and feel like I would like to take a break but then he won’t trust me.
Literally the fact you are breathing is a reason they can't trust anyone. Yet will cheat, lie, project, injure, blame etc and happily destroy everything, like they aren't hypocrites
You're right, he won't trust you if you need to take a break. Heaven forbid you have to look out for your own feelings. I told mine I needed to take a break and he ghosted me. It's been a year now and he still won't talk. 4 years of friendship, incredible chemistry, fantastic compatibility on so many areas of our life and he chose to throw me away like garbage because I was overwhelmed by things that were going on in my life and I couldn't deal with his erratic behavior at that moment. I told him I needed space and poof he was gone forever
I hope you ladies find a good man one day, I myself am trying to "be the person I would marry". I've heard that we only attract folks that our on our same frequency. I wouldn't settle and try to change yourself for him unless you want to change yourself for you! Even the bad relationships teach us important things about ourselves.💔🥀💞
I’ve been in a 22 year marriage with my Fearful Avoidant Husband and I wish I knew about this 22 years ago before I was so broken down.
I never knew love was so hard 😢😢😢
It's a scam. Always has been.
It’s not love with an AD personality.
The avoidant man that I took a leap of faith with turned out to be a bum. 56 years old, broke, disbarred, deteriorating health, etc…I’m more mad at myself for seeing potential in him.
It sounds like he may have not been avoidant, just dealing with a lot of problems and feeling low.
It's ironic that the advice is to talk in risk terms. They are the high risk element - not the partner. Don't get me wrong, avoidants love deeply and are beautiful souls. But they do have a problem, it impacts their partners terribly, and this approach is basically enabling. It may bring them to the table, and get closer, but any connection will essentially be on their terms, with the partner doing the emotional pirouettes needed to maintain it. Avoidants can and do pull the rug from under your feet simply for wanting normal. I've had too much heartbreak from this dynamic since I was born, and I've got the traits myself too. If a person can't manage their own emotions, they won't be able to manage yours. That's not a reasonable risk for anyone to take.
This is the very closest ive heard so far to represent my situation. Thank you thank you. Almost everything that is said is or has been happening. Thankful to have found this channel 🙏
Glad you've found this content and my channel helpful. Happy to help!
It could possibly be of benefit if you would talk about DA s tendency to jump to conclusions without accurate information to support his distorted judgments of others or their intentions. It seems these pod casts don't help them move from their past or establish better relationships or more satisfaction in their lives.
These men sound like they are messed up emotionally
It is his responsibility. It. Is. HIS. Responsibility. To. Fight. Against. His. Avoidant. Nature. He’s not an infant anymore.
I don't disagree. Everyone is responsible for bettering themselves and their attachment. Feeling safe, understood and loved will make the process much easier and quicker, though. Don't you agree?
Wow I think you might have just saved my relationship or I did, with your help. I think I am also avoidant... So we are a freak out bomb together... and we run away so fast. But somehow we realize that and want to get beyond that... and it is terrifying. I realized we can't both be scared, someone has got to pull it together. Set a good example and explain how easy it can be. He really liked that. 😊
Ladies.. it is not worth it... please don't even start with an avoidant man...
Why do you say that?
@@AttachmentAdam In my experience they do not change and keep repeating the same patterns. In some cases they can improve but therapy is required, which most of them are not seeking.
It sounds like we (non-avoidant) are the ones who must understand and adapt to the avoidant's behaviours, which does nothing else than to give them positive reinforcement to continue behaving like that.
I am disappointed that there are almost no video's addressed TO the avoidants so that they can work on themselves towards a healthier attachment style.
I think, if not already entrenched in a marriage, you are right. Unless there is some other reason (the need for his money in order to survive, the need for stability or protection if you are in a dangerous situation, you are pregnant with his child, etc) to want a man more than you want the best parts of yourself to be appreciated, enjoyed, and encouraged. When I have to suppress my natural approaches/tendencies, my own wants/needs, and my authentic energies and talents in order to not scare away my partner, I begin to die inside. Adapting to the way of the Avoidant is exhausting. If I want to have the best of myself thrive and be positively acknowledged in a relationship and shared with the world, an Avoidant is not going to work.
@@AttachmentAdam I do think the video was very enlightening to better understand an avoidant. But I am disappointed to hear at the end you only encouraging women to change our approach to cater to their fragile state. Instead of also helping men learn to heal and what else they can do for the women who love and pour into them, starving for their attention and affection back, which they pull away and run from. You should also be encouraging men who have avoidant personality how they can better themselves as to not loose a good women. Your saying that women are the ones who need to change to accommodate to avoidant men. All this is problematic, men need to take accountability, understand what they’re doing wrong over and over, learn to heal so they can have more successful relationships. Avoidant men are going to keep running away. Telling them they are doing nothing wrong by always running away when things get hard is not helping grown men learn and adapt to good women and difficult things in life. This will be a huge downfall in relationships, marriage and god forbid there’s children in the mix. These men will bail. I can not agree with end ending of your video telling women we need to change to accommodate to these major characteristics that are limiting themselves and their partners from mutual connection and growth. The video ended on a low note for me. Excising men’s avoidant personality for running away when things are hard is not acceptable. It makes for a terrible partner and father figure. Women can not be the only ones to carry the burden, the load and be the back bone in a relationship, family or marriage. Men need to heal, take accountability and steps up.
My boyfriend and I have had ups and downs and I always try to make things work. I came across one of these Avoidant videos last week and got him to actually listen to it. He is definitely an avoidant and he agrees, now since listening to this it's his excuse for walking away or ignoring me. Instead of trying to move forward and heal and grow he'd rather just use it as an excuse for his behavior. I just don't know what to do at this point...
HE Broke the Trust, with Starvation 🚫❤🚫🌞 He's Blame Shifting & Not Accountable. He's a wounded Immature, most likely Narcissists, and if You think for a second that it's Your Fault, that you failed, that you want him back... You Are Gravely Mistaken! This is a Mind fking Soul Sucking Mess! You will Never be able to do enough to Ever earn his Love & Respect
It's actually very simple. You just don't know how to.
@@rustyscrapper LMAO OF COURSE! "YOU just don't know how to... love" Really? So Love is Natural. Love flows to Many & to All... without Any Issues or problems, Except with the Unavailable. But it's Nothing to do with the Unavailable, It's "YOU" "YOU don't know how to". 😅🤣😂 Who are you trying to kid? Me? Or Yourself? Maybe He wouldn't know Love if it Ran Over the Top of Him & Smacked him in the Head! Maybe just May he Don't know How to Love Himself! That's why he can't See It, Feel it, Know it Nor Recognize it Much less Value Love! ☺ You can Fool some of the People Some of the times, but You Can't Fool Me!
I wish I had seen this video months ago. My relationship is finally done. I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I once thought I was simply the anxious attachment type, but now I realize I'm fearful avoidant. And he is definitely the avoidant type you described. I actually wish I had never gotten involved with him. I feel like it wasn't worth emotional rollercoaster. But had I seen this video sooner, maybe I could have learned how to be what he needed and communicated my needs better.
LET HIM RUN
My avoudant was a Beautiful man when nice but a Nassistic in a lot of ways and could be emotionally distant or lovely depending on his personality disorder or mood
I loved him very much But he was definitely all on this video and more
Love is blind
I've let him go he wasnt worth the heart ache and mental abuse in the end ..But will never forget him!! ❤😊
In most cases, to run away is a natural childhood trauma response. Regardless of whether it is coming from CPTSD, PTSD or some personality disorder in the large majority of cases the avoidant will not be able to identify why he is running because it is often an unconscious and involuntary act. Imo, it is unfair to suggest “simple hacks” to a struggling partner. I know that their risk of getting secondary PTSD is high. Even when we have all the “understandings” and all the “compassion” in the world” and play our risk assessment role to perfection, there is a even huger risk that after all that effort, we will be left with unfulfilled needs. Please please stop giving FALSE HOPE. The road to change for the avoidant is long and often painful for both parties. It is ok to realize that you are unwilling to accept someone as is. We are just playing with words when we reframe all this as “Yes they do love”. Even so, love is an action. If you act like a breadcrumber, a stonewaller, a liar and then run...keep running. I won’t try to change you.
What seems to be working for me is to provide consistently what be needs so I had to figure out his currency; then not to show overt care even though i know he does deep down.
He tried to run once and came running back and since then, been a few months, he consistently shows openness and care. But i dont budge in showing any more care. It is expected. I Iove him deep down but never show my vulnerability so he as an avoidant feels in charge.
The other strange thing is even though he is a high functioning professional he craves to be physically beaten due to feeling guilt over his life. I love him so have found that to be truly difficult but it's his currency and it keeps us functioning as a loving couple. I never bring up future plans, he does. I hope this did not appear too offensive but is fact that realising his currency changed everything.
So may I ask specifically what you figured out his currency was? I can relate to what you said so I ask. Thanks in advance:)
@@fools_journeyman to be his endorphin release but remain relatively elusive. Hopefully till he starts getting release of oxytocin, GABA etc otherwise he'll stray. But intermittent straying will happen ( I need to internally controly jealousy) but I need to retain some elusiveness and appearance of not caring excessively . So probably doomed until other chemicals released or learns loyalty .