This Is What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 ก.พ. 2022
- www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/q... - Take our free 2-minute quiz to figure out what kind of chance you have of winning your ex back.
In this in-depth video you’re going to learn,
What Usually Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant
If People With Avoidant Attachment Styles Secretly Want You To Chase Them
Why They Give You Mixed Signals - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
![ตั๋วเมีย( ຕົວະເມຍ) - SOMBATH.97 Ft. YOUD SALAVAN [ Official music video ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GV6qHagpp50/mqdefault.jpg)
Give them the space they need forever.
Exactly 💯
Yes love this! Stop hanging on to crumbs and sweep them up and deposit them into the waste bin. ❤
😂 Amen
Lol
😶🌫️
This is an impossible situation. If you give them their space you’re giving them a free pass to come in and out of your life as they please.I’m exhausted.
Finally, we have to increase our self love before loving others.
@@Cherrichesse sure it increase, increase, increase and if it still doesn`t work... increase... increase..increase.. and repeat and repeat. Oh! You still don`t love yourself enough!?!? Repeat and repeat!
Yeah. You get them back after they had own space and banged the football team.
exactly literally told him you cant come in and out of my life as you please. but then again it goes both ways cause we let them in and out of our life.
A free pass, and also, its torture if you're the anxious partner 🥺
Avoidants are not worth the trouble. They are afraid of their own hearts.
As an avoidant…I do agree but most of us don’t do it because we want to hurt people or not to be loved. Our childhood was bad
@@famemosterrrrr I think I understand you. My own upbringing was constant danger, and was always suspicious of sentimentality. I do not remember how I worked free of the affliction. Dreamtime was the key.
Mine is.
@@famemosterrrrrYou don't want to hurt but you know it hurts 💔💔
@famemosterrrrr Many of us had bad childhoods and overcame. Shut up. I'm over it. My father beat me too and i love my mom even though I can never be my fully unfiltered self around her EVER and hide a lot from her. Get over yourself and grow the fuck up. You are an adult now. What happened as a child sucked, but it's YOUR responsibility to grow past and beyond that, not your partner's responsibility to cater to you and your whims.
The best way to deal with an avoidant is, don’t deal with them. You can never have a relationship with them because they will never be vulnerable.
As a therapist, I generally agree. To genuinely be in relationship, one must surrender to vulnerability. Avoidant personality types must address their own issues and develop ways of handling stress that don't rely on disappearing or closing out all communication.
@@Wolf88888 agreed. I’m far from perfect also. I have an anxious and fearful avoidant side. I told my ex wife, who is a DA, what I needed. I also definitely have boundaries. I told her I needed specific things, she didn’t do them. I then became very vulnerable and told her why I needed her to do these things. She still didn’t do them, then I became distant. She also broke my trust (no infidelity). After four marriage counselors, and things not changing, I was done.
And the majority refuse to work on themselves. They avoid that too!
@@mgn1621😂😂😂😂 true
Lose/lose situation
The audacity Avoidants have to think they're protecting themselves by doing to others what they fear- abandonment. How do you expect someone to love you when you treat them like your favorite person one minute, then the next you treat them like a stranger with benefits? That's selfish and terrifying.
Your statement is so selfish calling out others for being selfish if you know how to interact with others teach them mf literally ask them why they are the way they are. do you think were really happy living this way i was emotionally neglected just like my brother im the more bubbly one but my brother is kind of like a robot and i know this because i know people better that ive known for a year and barely know anything about my brother. I still have a hard time going up to random people and starting a conversation it takes balls to deal with this shit. But its good for you that you know how to form a strong relationship.
Avoidants don't fear abandonment... they fear enmeshment.
Learn to grow some sympathy for others. I dont think any of us likes having an insecure attachment style. It takes a lot of self-reflection and work to heal. And many of us don't even learn till way later in life that what our struggles are is actually childhood trauma and there is a path to heal. So annoying how many people point fingers at avoidants with zero compassion for the childhood pain they suffered. (And no, I am not avoidant. But I do have empathy for them. Something strongly lacking in this community).
@@silverscreamqueen fair enough
Let them work on their own journey and you work on yours. That is the quickest way for people to understand what is going on. (And by quick, I mean that is the quickess way compared to any other route, but it can still take a long time)
@@corygall2340teach them? This is about relationships, not therapy. People are looking for a partner not a patient.
I did no contact for two months after he ended it. He ended it because I asked to see him more than once a week. Seriously! I reached out to him after the two months. He showed up with flowers and an apology. We had two more very fun dates and then he was right back to not responding to messages, cancelling plans etc. I'm done. I gave him an opportunity to change and get it right and he blew it. I've spent the last three weeks crying and brokenhearted. No more. Do yourself a favor and run from these guys. They are all charming and attentive in the beginning. Then once they hook you, their true colors show. It's NOT you, remember that.
Are you still done with him? What you said was spot on. I did that dance for 20 years. Did no contact for 11 months, she came back, was great for two weeks, then right back to the usual. Will never date an avoiding again.
Yes he got some upset when I asked for more time. I don't think it was bc he was seeing anyone else. He felt I was criticizing the time he was giving
the key is - once they hook you..... exactly. During the honeymoon phase it's great because it's mutual attraction and excitement, but then us normals in time will start to move towards a deepening connected and meaningful relationship and investing - meanwhile the avoidant doesn't go there, and in secret doing deactivating strategies and everything to suppress any emotional connections - so once you're entering the more invested stage, it's lopsided - and they've got you - and so now they no longer want you around - you are a nuisance with all your emotional closeness - it will never go back to being good - that stage is dead and gone and can't be revived or built upon. Now for them, it's about how to keep distance and all their distancing strategies will be employed and you will never see anything that resembles a partner in a romantic relationship - just a person resisting closeness in everything and everywhere - just move on and don't look back
It's not just the guys . The girl I was seeing was exactly like this. Very manipulative and a player and narcissist.
@@carissaj3560 omg yes! It’s very gaslighting they make it it’s you when you just want to deepen the connection. I’m pretty self sufficient and really don’t ask for much. Ridiculous. And funny enough if they were more giving we’d be at peace and they’d have more independence! Just stupid all around. People don’t want to be starved for love and care.
I can’t date an avoidant. I cannot CONSCIOUSLY treat someone I really like, like an option.
EXACTLYYYY
What they both said ☝️☝️
Basically leave them alone and expect nothing. That's what I've learned. I sort of don't care anymore and it's great. Of course he's reached out again and I've replied and then I back off. Again.. and that seems to work. But it's not a real relationship. Part time seems to work for them. But not me. So I've moved on.
Same pb here. I'm tired
Definitely a guessing game which I’m never in the mood for
Like it 👍
Been thr done tht
"Part time seems to work for them, but not me."
Same here. I'm in the process of moving on but I'm sad... and anxious. But i gotta let it go for good. Too much hot and cold and hot and cold for me as an anxious-attacher.
Being with an avoidant is exhausting, emotionally draining. If you are anxious, just leave a skid mark with an Avoidant. It's always their terms, push and pull. Walking on egg shells, ignoring you, then love bombing. If your smart, just move on and find someone better matched to your attachment style. You give them space because you have no choice they ignore you. Why be with someone like this? Not healthy in a relationship. They have all the power, and keep pressing your boundaries. Is that what you deserve??? I say no. I tried for 2 years, it was nothing but constantly worried what I did wrong when they ignored me. Wasn't fair, just communicate you need space. Nope, ghost and then see them on social media interacting it up with others. Really?
7yrs here and had I known about attatchment styles years ago,I would have bolted then. Draining at its best, finally woke up and I'm at peace without this nut in my life.
I need you to look up the word Narcissist Please do your research on these people and you'll get your answers good luck😇🙏🏽 Love yourself first
You described it perfectly. Social media is their playground but can leave you in silence for weeks.
@@adoptioncorner1984 exactly. I called it out. Ghosted forever. I blocked him everywhere in my life. Good riddance. Let him Get ego feed from someone else.
How can one differentiate between an avoidant and narcissist
'I want someone close but not close enough to allow them to hurt me'. But they're the ones dispensing the hurt...
You need to take responsibility here for your owm hurt. You maybe starting relationships but yet hold a barrier against them to actually prevent them been in the relationship fully. Work on yourself. Leave people alone until you are ready for the commitment it takes.
As an avoidants the comments here are hideous and neglect that most people with ‘anxious’ attachment style have some mental health issue, depression, borderline personality etc. You chase us because you know no one else will put up with you, we open up to you, give you a chance and then you go over the top and start stalking or whatever. I’m not saying we’re perfect, but it’s a bit rich for the people that bring so much drama upon us to be so nasty. You are better with a secure person, as are we.
@@jaybee4288 yea they probably neglect to remember there is a personalty disorder because they are trying to deal with the trauma themselves. What you seem to be forgetting is how F hard it is to live with someone with a personality disorder that doesn't want to work on themselves. "Stalking"?? for answers to how much pain you inflict shows how F detached you are and how far up your own hole you are. Some people learn, some don't. I see you didn't 🙄
Yep. While playing the victims..
@@jaybee4288 we get traumaa bonded. If you know the amount of surffering we go through you wouldn't be so harsh. Bit avoidant people are selfish too... I wish never to entertain one. You rob souls of joy
Don’t date avoidants. It’s never gonna end well. Unless you like jumping through hoops to get almost nothing and then get blindsided with a breakup from the avoidant
Just learned this the hard way
Flaming hoops at that lol. Thankfully I realized what was going on and broke up with my avoidant ex GF 6 months ago. Only about 5 years late, but better late than never.
My only advice is leave them the hell alone and move on with your life. These people are impossible until they see their disfunction. No thanks. So emotionally immature.
This, fr!
That’s what I said to me ex no thanks , you’re not ready for a relationship good buy, I see them as immature
Zero emotional maturity. Zero accountability. Zero empathy. Zero Contact. And absolutely ZERO respect. These people are like walking zombies
The best advice for an anxious person is to develop a relationship with yourself. They tend to abandon themselves and that’s why it hurts when an avoidant pulls away. Learn to meet some of your own needs, self soothe and don’t be afraid to set boundaries either.
So true! Self abandonment is in the core. Healing is required. The avoidant is actually a mirror
Thank u :)
@@primaveraverano1664 absolutely its a mirror thank u for saying that it helps me so much
I struggle with boundaries suffer with general anxiety as scared of abandement I am trying to learn to love except myself more be more independent and less needed and pocessive
@@primaveraverano1664 I started listening to The Crappy Childhood Fairy’s videos on TH-cam and bingo it’s all spelled out. After getting numerous audio books, I’m finally getting the case by case scenario’s to see the different attachment styles and the reinforcement I need to just say, No More!” I am learning how to not react. He hovered back around a week ago with a FaceTime call. He was obscene! I told him that I can’t have the disrespect in my life anymore and we are done! He sent a text that said, “I am sorry for all.” It doesn’t matter what he did. What matters is that I’m in control of my own life and if I refuse to play the game, the game is over. I have no interest in talking to him again. I’m no longer angry at him or myself. My health and wellness is my top priority and I’m only looking ahead.
It’s such an injustice that we have to work for them but they don’t have to work for us.
Refuse that in balance. I'd rather be by myself than deal with a situation which only feeds the other.
You don't have to do anything. Leave them.
We don't. It's best to just walk.
well you correct that injustice by leaving an avoidant and make a different choice - just because we feel a connection when we meet someone that doesn't mean we should consider them to be partner material. Avoidants will be your worst choice in that department
As a reconverting avoidant, I would like to apologize to all of you on our behalf. Our feelings really throw us for a loop.
Just ignore them. Trust me as an avoidant nothing will drive me more crazy than ignoring me
Why is that???
because it shows that they dont care@@releasetoreceive
Why would I ever bother. I move on.
@@willjohnson4738yay..playing a game of who cares the least..that's sucks..catch u later
Thanks
As a therapist, I think it is first important to understand diagnostic labeling as a starting point to address dysfunction, not as a compendium of identities to be complacently accepted. "Avoidants" need to address their issues, not embrace them. They need to expand their awareness and recognize the real emotional harm they cause through inappropriate coping strategies such as ghosting romantic partners. They need to work against their tendencies toward withdrawal and learn healthy ways to communicate, both with themselves and others.
THANK YOU!!!!!
@@mirapilates 👌A person should not merely accept the label placed upon them; they should recognize it as a starting point to help them identify what they should work on and improve.
I agree with you but try telling this to the annoying autistic/ADHD crowd. 🤦🤦 They live and die by that label so that can do what they feel like doing instead of what they don't wanna do
yes, this is key - I think too much of the time the discussion is really harmful because it's about giving strategies to 'work with' the behavior of the DA as they ghost, they devalue, they engage in ways to lessen intimacy such as cheating by outside sexual encounters - all of the impacts these have on their partners are real, lasting and most of all damaging...... no one should be thinking as a partner that this is behavior you can work around.... if this partner wants healing they must stop accepting these behaviors and most often means getting the DA out of your life and into your past and then start the work/therapy etc of healing
Thank you for a rational comment. Hurt people hurt people. They are a nightmare to have a relationship with do a great deal of damage.
We need some kind of recovery support group for people who have survived these relationships
Fr
These monsters
Fucking hell
Pls ❤
Please
the solution is simple. leave. the moment they back out, they give mixed signals, leave. there is no point sticking around somebody who does not want to be close to you. so useless.
They inevitably create exactly what they are afraid of.
BINGO
As a DA, that's what I have realized and is the crazy part.
We need counseling for possibly past trauma.
I have come to terms with being alone becayse I don't want my self-healing to cause others harm.
As an avoidant I must say your are exactly right
Exactly. So sad to see, but you can't help, they have to want to help themselves and often can't even see the cycle they're stuck in. So they just keep going in circles with no progress and wonder "why oh why do things never work out?"
I dated one, wasn't even attracted to him first, i didnt like him. He pursued me, i eventually started liking him a lot. He started this avoidant mess. I'd pull away, he'd come back. Didnt help that he is very financially successful and had women throwing themselves at him. This went on for some time and eventually I got tired of it. Cut him off totally, met someone else out of the blue, not planned. And he is the love of my life, no back and forth, no inconsistency. Point is, dont waste your time dealing with someone playing with you, dont waste your tears. Someone who really wants you and wants to love you the way you deserve it out there
Congratulations on that, I hope you and your new partner last a lifetime!
Thank you for posting your experience. I'm in a sitiuationship like this now for about three months, we were friends for about 20 twenty years and our families are meshed together through marriage and he has been pursuing me for years and I finally gave in, it's been a nightmare. I'm slowly getting out and detaching with the help of friends, my therapist and certain family members.
Wow this is my experience..im exhausted and done
I have a secure attachment style and avoidant people just don't work for me. By the time they come back, I already found a great person to be in a healthy relationship with. Leave them to figure out their own issues, don't waste your time!
This, I have been single for a couple years and recently tried dating, turns out I ended up with an avoidant and that is now over. I just can’t tolerate this behaviour.
I am proud of myself though, I have never been a secure- I grew a lot in these two years alone
Good for you! 😊
💯💯💯
Yes!! This is the boat I'm in and I'm so happy. To deprive oneself of a healthy relationship is self harm. I hate hearing the "if youre anxious or avoidant date secure." HA! We are not wellness centers for insecure attachments.
We're all better off encouraging insceure to study securely attached relationships and practice being securely attached. Hearing date secure if you're insecure is basically putting more pressure on us to manage insanely toxic situations we should never be a part of in the first place.
My experience with an Avoidant is they don't want to get close or be in commitment relationship yet to also want the validation of the attention.
What we actually need to do is completely avoid avoidants. Please trust me, you’ll waste years and years on a brat who will give you FA in return. They are NOT worth it and they have nothing to give.
"They are NOT worth it and they have nothing to give." Sad, but true...
learned this by the hard way
exactly....i wasted 10years before realizing. but i thank God for the deliverance.
It would be different if the avoidance tried to seek help, but they dont
They promise they will get help but they never do. Don't waste your life and destroy your self worth thinking they'll ever change.
I find it interesting that it’s usually the anxious one that has to put in most of the effort in order to work with an avoidant. And that avoidants rarely do any work to help the other person. Avoidents I’m my opinion have a form of narcissism. It’s not healthy to try and have a relationship with these types of people, but especially if they don’t show any sign of putting in effort to change
Agree. I sometimes think that all narcissists are avoidant as they cannot attach.
I thought for once in my life that she just wasn't in to me as an entity. The more I tried to please her the more awkward it became. She deliberately engineered the break up after four months but made it appear that I ended it. It's taken getting on for two months of no contact for me to research and conclude 'fearful avoidant attachment' is her condition. I won't contact her although it's tempting, just to broach the subject. Difficult to tell without a discussion, if she is even aware of her condition. Could be in denial...
Not typical because I had to subsidise her financially very heavily so that she could survive, so it may just have been a case of exploitation...or rather, prostitution!
If you find yourself with an avoidant… RUN!!
They are hard work. You will wear yourself out for nothing. They will keep you feeling unsure and insecure. Keep yourself free so the right person is able to come into your life and give you want you need and want.
Needed this. Thank you 😭
Absolutely. Run from anxious attached people too. Anyone at these extremes need to be left alone ❤
@@missmadelinesadventures3278 I agree! They need to go work on themselves to create healthy relationships.
Why is it that it is expected that the anxiously attached needs to change and give the avoidant the space they need? What about the avoidant learning to give the other the connection they need? Relationships are a two way street. My experience is that anxiety increases, the avoidant stonewalls you, and it is only a matter of time before the anxious one loses all their confidence and self trust. It is a no win situation. You are incompatible with each other.
I agree it’s a two way street. I am more of the anxious type however I can be patient and give space but when I get no response after expressing myself I feel neglected. There’s no communication. How could you have a relationship if there’s no communication? It’s a two way street. We cannot always do the work and give space. What about us? How could we meet in the middle? And maybe it’s not the avoidant type maybe they just no longer care and that’s okay. Wish we could get the truth instead of waiting around for them to be ready to speak to us. That’s so toxic.
Nobody can tolerate this without becoming anxious
Truer words were never spoken. Indeed, rels are definitely a 2 way street. "Compromise" is a word my avoidant ex GF will never be able to grasp.
Don't date an avoidant or an anxious person.
The lies , constant days of no contact , I had enough . I have found peace in realizing there’s better out there
Avoidants seem high maintanced and selfish. "I want you to love me but on my terms" and "love me but leave me alone..." Sounds like an emotionally immature position to me. Perhaps advoidants would be best matched with other avoidant personalities..
Thanks for your comment
@@chrisseitercoaching Thank you for studying them and informing others about this type of attachment style. It’s so eye opening. I am not an avoidant but have dealt with some romantically and within my family. It’s nice to get perspective of their psyche. I really appreciate your research and studies to help inform the rest of us! 🌟 ALSO, have just subscribed because your channel ROCKS & is SOOOOO INCREDIBLY KNOWLEDGEABLE! 🤩
@@annakhylnn1643 No thank you.
It is, they are real solid in their "boundaries" but it all serves them only.
@@dennisrobinson8008 EXACTLY.
They are not avoidant,they just don't love you.They come back when they need ego stroke from you and they will leave you again.I lost almost a year watching videos like this to later realise the person is a covert narcissist. Don't waste your time trying to study people who treat you like shit. Walk away.
Sounds like a narcissist
I think avoidants are narcs.
@Flagirl1985
Sounds like my gf . No accountability, no affection, no sex (unless using it as a tool) , no concern for my feelings, claims to need space, pays more attention to her dog.
All my friends have warned me and have berated me for being so good to her.
She loved bombed me for about 5 years of the 7. She was in med school . Looking back , she used me for everything….. cooking, cleaning, dog sitting, little vacation getaways, errands, shopping. While all along, I thought I was fulfilling the role of a supportive man. Consistent, faithful, considerate, polite , a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold her. We had our share of verbal disputes, but overall life was good. I was deceived.
Geeeeezus , as I type this the memories of all the positive things I did for her …. I’m embarrassed. I feel foolish. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. How do I stop loving her? Why do I still love her?
@@walkertranger5746 I think I married your girlfriend's sister, married for almost 5 years now and I am asked for divorce with a apology. I feel like a fool and walked over like dirt for being good and that Ideal supportive life partner. I can totally understand you. Feels like sh*t and weak.
Nope. Don't confuse the two. An avoidant needs patience.
As a recovering avoidant, I can tell you that I had been totally capable of romantic commitment and was always in long-term relationships that lasted from 2-8 years. The issue with avoidants isn't that they don't love their partners. Still, when the heat gets turned up and they feel anxiety, their default coping mechanism is to avoid and find alone time away from the source of anxiety (which a lot of time is, unfortunately, their partner). More clingy, naggy demands will make them retreat even more. Let them be to go to their cave and find stability, then they'll come out once they clear their head. This, unfortunately, feels like abandonment to the anxious partner. To the secure partner, it's fine! But secured people don't find avoidants sexy.
@Kelly M why won't he move though....
See, I’m fine with someone needing space for a few hours..a day..maybe even a day and a half. But when your own spouse disappears for FOUR long days, turns their phone off, won’t reach out to you at all..not even to let you know that they’re safe and you don’t know where they are or who they’re with, that’s just not okay with me.
And actually, if you ever see this message I would really appreciate it if you could answer a question I have. When an avoidant disappears for 4-5 days without a word like that do they know that they are severely hurting the one who loves them? Do they think about that person at all during that time away, and do they miss them at all? Just wondering..thanks.
@@kimberlytreuth2504 I can’t speak for all avoidants but only from my own experiences and some other avoidants I personally know.
When avoidants disappeared for 4-5 days on end, it meant that whatever that is bothering them severely pained them that they need that long to work on it. If this happened when you're in a domestic relationship with them, it could be an accumulation of things that they repressed for a long time and the buildups are too overwhelming to deal with, so when the dam broke, they are no longer in control of their emotions and they hated that. That’s why they disappeared for days on end. They don’t want to hurt people by losing it. Which does not bode well for avoidants. Most importantly, they’re hurting so bad that they want solitude to deal with it. At that time they have no capacity to think about anything else but re-establishing control over overwhelming emotions. So the answer is “no”. When a person has an open wound and they can’t function because it’s bleeding, they can’t do anything else but tend to it first. Avoidants are just as sensitive or emotional even more sensitive than an anxious partner, the difference is they have no outlet and their coping mechanism is repression. So when it blows, it blows big.
You’re hurting because that’s the trigger for the anxious partner: fear of abandonment. To a secure partner, he/she wouldn’t be hurting. Unfortunately, the trigger for avoidants is too much closeness or enmeshment, which the anxious partner seeks to have. When that happens, they default to avoidance.
It’s not that the avoidant partner doesn’t know you’re hurting but they’re frustrated and don’t know what to do about it, because what you’re asking of them is to hurt themselves by being too close or immeshed with you to make you feel better. Avoidants trigger for pain are closeness and enmeshment. Basically, when they’re off tending to their emotional wounds, you’re asking them to ignore it and think of you, help you with yours first?! That’s not going to happen to someone who is emotionally bleeding. So the best thing to do with an avoidant partner is... leave them alone to take care of their own stuff if you're in a domestic relationship with them. When they're ready, they'll come back. Avoidants, when they commit to a relationship, do take it seriously and don't break it easily. You're in no way at risk of them walking away if you're living together. It takes a lot from them to reach that point. They might be distant emotionally but seldom walk away from a commitment easily.
It is fine, but why not communicate to the partner saying one needs space. It atleast gives the reassurance needed for the partner to have a clear head the relationship is ok.
@@truecrimejungle lol. Exactly!! I have read so many times on these threads people that say they were securely attached until they dated an avoidant and then became anxious. I’m pretty sure no one sane would be okay with their partner just disappearing and feel okay about it!
The avoidant needs years of therapy
WHAT'SPP ME
Facts, that's exactly what I suggested to the one I previously dated!
Don’t waste your time. The avoidant isn’t worth it. Find someone who’s interested in you. It’ll never get better with the avoidant. Trust me. 25 years and 2 kids later…
23 for me. Same story
They are only meant to be side pieces to be 1000% honest with y’all… avoidants are for recreational use only 😂
Also they fear being invisible buuuut they treat others like they are invisible so treat them like they are and find a primary partner.
Why share your body or even deal with someone that doesn’t respect you? Avoidant’s are to be avoided
This comment got me weak 💀
Yup
@@jadakiara1257exactly side pieces are a disgusting way of living.
Avoidants are narcissist lite, basically. Being in a relationship with one is hell. They wield all the power. The relationship moves when they want it to, and stalls when they want to stall it. It's a mind fuck to try to deal with, and they are absolutely emotionally draining to all hell. they're broken people, many of whom cannot be fixed, because they don't want to be fixed. It is a hobby to them to say how messed up they are and to stay in victimhood.
Spot on
Maybe if they were truly victimized theyll learn
They can be fixed they just need unconditional love, the kind their mothers should’ve given them when they were 3 years old, but never received. If they truly have avoidant personality disorder that is. I actually have that and found out I was severely emotionally neglected as a kid. Still trying to figure out how to fix it but apparently that’s the only way is to be in a healthy loving relationship. As a guy I’m pretty much gonna die without ever having been in a relationship. Yay me
Actually they can be fixed, if they do the work. My husband is proof of that. And I know many other avoidants who have stepped up to heal their wounds.
@@scuffy1211 IF they step up. Many choose to acknowledge it and do nothing, while holding their lovers hostage. Those are shitty people who have turned their personality disorder into a hobby.
It cannot be fixed without admitting there is a problem, recognizing there is a problem and then being willing to do the inner work to fix it. Many will never bother.
Seems to me an avoidant will die alone and live a pretty lonely life. I think at some point they will run everyone in their life away. I can see them being the ones who look around and say nobody loves me, I’m so lonely, why can’t I get a partner, etc etc. They have to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I find they are intolerant of everyone so they dismiss them
. They never look in the mirror as to their part in the situation
Interesting. I notice a lot of comments on here where people are citing that they are the "anxious" type. Are you really? Or looking back did you start out as "secure" until you crossed paths with an "avoidant"?🤔
Atleast i know that I was secure till I got into a relationship with my avoidant husband. It's been 13 yrs of this push pull..and now I'm an anxious mess..
Yes, avoidant can make you anxious especially if you are already borderline and a sensitive type.
The funny thing I don’t understand is the avoidant language and how they experience love. I mean when love hits I have seen all kinds of people completely changing and they can’t control their feelings. So how can avoidant control their feelings? Like If I am in love no matter of fears and insecurities I can’t do push pull. I am all in!
This!
Yep!!!
To quote a thread on /r/breakups
“To everyone who was dumped by a dismissive/avoidant partner
I can't stress enough how much better you deserve. They probably blindsided you, put all the blame on you and all the typical stuff and it's very easy to think you deserve it. You don't. You can't sustain a relationship without mutual trust or communication. You shouldn't have to have a fucking degree on psychology to understand your partner triggers or cope with the brutal way they abandoned you. You shouldn't be the only one figuring out the problems in the relationship and trying the way to fix it. You didn't need to be perfect for them to stay in that relationship because THAT. IS. NOT. FAIR. They probably weren't the ones doing research on how to communicate or having a bare minimum of respect towards you and talking about the issues on the relationship. Reflect on why you think you deserve that because, after 3 months on therapy I've learned that my relationship went for that long because I had very low self-esteem and became very submissive because I thought that was the love I deserved. When I stood up for my needs I was hysterical or needy.
I know how is to feel alone in a relationship. I know how it feels being wronged on the relationship and still think you want them back. I know how it feels to be the only truly vulnerable on the relationship and have it weaponized it against you during the breakup. I know how it feels to trust someone blindly only to discover how wrong you were after the breakup, after they don't have to keep up with that "character". I'm very sorry you're hurting but you deserve someone who wants to be with you, flawed or not, and that actively works with you to make the relationship work. The best thing you can do is be glad that you got out of that relationship and use it to get better and start loving yourself. Don't ever settle for less, don't ever ignore the red flags, don't ever forgive things that shouldn't be forgiven.”
A WORD! 🗣️🎙️
Great advice, except for the last sentence. We must forgive, because we are all imperfect humans who make errors at some point in our lives. It is the law of nature.
Instead of allowing someone in a relationship to neglect the needs and feelings of his/her partner when they pull back they need to be called out about the inconsideration of their partner's needs and feelings! I'm of the teaching that if you have fears of intimacy, that needs be overcome! A fear of intimacy should NOT be coddled or enabled! Pulling back is never okay! It's neglect of the emotional needs of someone else that needs to be addressed! Do NOT enable their fears!
AGREE- CALL THEM OUT 😊 but only a secure person and conscious person would be able to call them out without fearing to lose them cos it is really no loss to lose someone who can’t fulfill you emotionally and it is also a waste of time - been there done that, working on oneself is the best thing we can do for ourselves 😅
Damn....avoidants control the whole relationship...
no they don't - in the end you leave them.... and if you're smart - run and don't look back - you have the ultimate control - of your own actions and response - which is to leave them in your rearview mirror - move on and let them see your little fanny as you walk off far into the distance -time for you to realize you deserve better - fake it til you make it - and make it you will - because you are, we all are, deserving of better than this
Until you go no contact forever, take your power back
Kinda funny- you're right. I didn't realize that until about 7 months ago and when we talked about a month after I ended things. I said, "You got everything you wanted out of this relationship, and I got pretty much nothing I wanted". She just looked at me- no rebuttal, no debate, no "I don't feel like that's an accurate statement, Joe", nothing but utter silence. It was incredible what she told me without saying a word.
only if you love them 😁 more than you love yourself
@@chiaraA. see your what as you walk off???? lmao. I think you need to google what the English definition of what that word means.
These avoidant people are sick! They know they are but always want to enmesh themselves in other people’s lives knowing full well how they are. It’s wicked
The solution is simple. Leave him be and move one. Why should you spend so much energy, grief and so on and he's just behaving like a silly child.
If they want a relationship, they should communicate with their partner, trust them and so on ...
I'm an anxious and she's avoidant. She broke things off and after about 1 month, I learned to give her space. I deleted her social media and have gone no contact. You want space? Here you go. 2 months post breakup and I'm finally healing.
I regret ever having a relationship with an avoidant
Same
After watching so many video i realize self respect and self love is best thing.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now❤❤
yes, but at the same time the hardest to practise
The moment someone is more distant and I feel anxious and sad, I BECOME DISTANT AND STOP CARING.
Strikes me as the emotionally wise thing to do.
This is exactly what happened with me, new relationship and he’s being avoidant and I am no longer interested
Same.
I FORGIVE
BUT BYE
GOD “ ONLY “ deserves that type of ❤️
Those who avoid are best avoided. Let them get a taste of their own medicine and karma. They just aren't worth it.
@Anna Claro Leave him forever
Yes, let us go find another avoidant who is actually compatible with us. Why are you so hell bent on trying to fix a puzzle piece that simply wasn’t designed to fit next to you? Instead of cutting us apart and jamming us in with the sightly wrong shade of color, let us move to the part of the puzzle we belong in. In other words, thanks for moving on, stalker.
@@TuckerParrotc you are actually avoidant of being avoidant which is kinda funny. Btw are you on this platform if you don't fit in this particular box. Seems you're the stalker hon. But to be fair you are entitled to your opinion as everyone else is entitled to theirs. Peace out!
@@user-pg8zs5yp8u I’m the opposite of a stalker, because I have been terrified by them before I go out of my way to not give off red flags of being a stalker. You are projecting.
@@TuckerParrotc ain't stalkin anyone as I have better things to do with my life and my plate is full enough. I just chanced upon the video which I thought to be interesting while enjoying a bit of down time. Thanks but I don't have time or energies to waste especially on low vibing people who aren't worth it in the first place. Deuces!
"When they pull back you pull back" sounds like a great relationship 😂😂
Pure love ❤
😂
This is what I’ve been doing- it’s effective, but boring and draining and I’m done with it now
I have an avoidant (who keeps trying to initiate the chase) I've completely withdrawn. COMPLETELY. Now the avoidant is up my butt. It's a turn off. The manufacturered drama, the back & forth... chyl BYE! I expressed today that I'm no longer vested & I'm not giving anything to the relationship anymore.
They only chase when you’re not interested, once you become interested they back away again
Just walk (or run) away. Quit while you're ahead.
I've spent 6 months confused and crying over being ghosted by an Avoidant.
This video has made more sense than anything else in all that time. Thank you
@Jess Cogger me too😢 The TH-cam algorithms came through for once, and this video was just what I needed to see. Hugs to you, and wishing clarity, healing and wholeness for both of us 🤗❤🩹
Agreed👍
I have done this too, though remember, you are grieving and crying over the ideal of this person the story the fantasy about this person in your mind and not who they really are. The potential of who they were and the potential of who you were you with them in the relationship. This is fundamentally different and has helped me to move on and begin the process of healing. They were never going to change and you deserve better. When you have an anxious attachment style it’s the dance that we do with an avoidant; though I’m also partially avoidant. The key is to learn from this and you really develop communication strong communication on how to not walk on egg shells around an avoidant so that we can “keep” them. Try to keep yourself instead develop what your nonnegotiable needs are how to communicate them to the next person in a way that sticks to your own personal standards and follow through on your own boundaries how to ask for what you need in relationship; in a way that doesn’t come off needy but direct and unwavering.
The key is to figure out how to self soothe in those moments and knowing when you are abandoning yourself and lean when they walk away, so the next time you can. This is all just information and usually has nothing to do with you anyway. It’s a nervous system thing - They can’t hold onto their own emotions or even allow them to be there they’ve never learn the language. Keep in mind this person is not going to be giving the next person there with what you want from them; they are going to be doing the same thing with the next person unless they truly have enough pain to want to change and learn how to hold space with another. All the best.
@@VocalGymnast thank you much for your reply. I'm a 'walk over'. I just let people express their needs and I don't even think about my own. The key word I really picked there in your reply as 'self soothe', I have no idea how to do that. There is so much personal growth I need to work on. I guess it was a good learning experience.
The hardest part is missing them, their uniqueness. I try and meet other people, go on dates, and I just don't connect with them. It's really hard. I guess it's like mourning.
@@clannard1 you too! I think that actively trying to change our situation is the best thing we can do. Baby steps....take care 💖
I’m disorganized so I get both sides but I can’t be ok with doing just what an avoidant needs. I’m tired of my needs not being met. It’s not fair. I need space too but when I need closeness or communication, that’s what I expect. We’re not here just to serve an avoidant’s needs.
Yes. I think it's important to try meet as many of our own needs but only if we're happy with it. The moment we feel resistance within our heart and we're on the verge of sacrifice to cater their needs, the boundaries get set up there, and we have to be honest with ourselves and then and expose them to the other party. I did just that a couple weeks ago to them. They ran. Fine by me. I'm staying true to myself xx
Edit: they came back. We're balancing each other much better now and it's developing beautifully. It's worth taking the risk losing the other in order to honour ourselves
Word
@@sunbeam9222 👏 👏 👏 👏
I TOTALLY AGREE.👏👏👏👏
Seeing this just makes me straight up hate life. Maintaining relationships are becoming rocket-science on top of all the job and life pressures. I miss the world which relationships were only about meeting someone with shared interest, feelings, respect and having a lifelong happiness afterwards...
Feeling your comment. WTF happened?!
“The wicked run when no one is chasing them.” Proverbs 28:1
😂😂😂
😂😅
Love this
I'm an avoidant and my boyfriend is an anxious the way we found to make the relationship work is by having a better ways of communication and couples therapy to help us understand and heal our childhood trauma that caused us to have the attachment style we have. We both are working in becoming a secure attachment style.
If you’re both aware and working on yourself then I think there is hope
That’s wonderful, best of luck for both of you ❤
You're the youre one of the 0.00000000001 % of avoidants. Congratulations on your self awareness
Question: Why don’t you just stop avoiding reality and his needs and be a better partner? Doesn’t take ANY therapy to just change your behavior and do the right thing
@@PeteMD It's not that simple. Trauma is difficult to heal.
In other words, they control the relationship. What about compromising for the anxious person since I’m always accommodating them.
I walked away. The roller coaster, games, instability, whiplash, and inconsistency are a hard no for me. I cared about him so I stayed for years but I'm not going to live in a place of lack living off breadcrumbs. I deserve the opposite.
I.. choose.. me ❤
Good for you, I only dated this guy 3 months and I’m an anxious mess
❤
I dated a counterdependent guy for a short time and I can say that it was the worst relationship in my life. I said goodbye to him very quickly when I realized what his diagnosis was. I didn't regret my decision for a minute. When I realized what his problem was, I felt sincere pity, but then it changed to contempt. I despise such people, because they perfectly understand what is happening, they hurt others and have no remorse. Never date such people and do not try to save them, go about your life and let them remain alone
AMEN!
Hope my story helps provide more insight. I wasn’t really aware of my avoidant personality traits until few years back. I am so naturally introverted and avoidant and I didn’t even need to go through a breakup to become like this. Once a relationship looked like it was getting too serious, I just felt this sudden rush and urge to back off, run away and hide and it starts with ignoring calls, texts and just being distant. I shattered two people’s hearts and truth is that at the time, I was naive and didn’t truly realize how bad I hurt them. I genuinely felt I was doing them a favour and ignored them despite their incessant begging. Mind you, avoidants genuinely fall in love but the only issue is they fall out of love quickly and, most importantly, first before you so they usually mentally process the breakup ahead of time.
Well, the universe has millennia of experience in dishing out karma and boy oh boy, was mine ten-fold. Well, I met a narcissist, of the worst kind, the one whose sole mission in life is to make you fall in that addictive heart wrenching love and then dump you in the worst possible way. She played her game so strategically and patiently, and just when I opened myself up and fell deep for her, she dumped me like some banana peel. It felt so strange, me that usually pulls away was dying from the lack of contact. To make matters worse, she accepted me back only to dump me few weeks later again in a more heartless fashion! The tables had turned; me who had always been the one been sought after and chased, was the one calling, crying, begging, debasing myself just to be seen or noticed by this girl. And as you guessed, she did nothing to alleviate the pain. It’s a miracle I’m okay now because I legit got suicidal from the pain and anguish back then. Then, and only then, did I realize how much pain I had caused my exes whom I now have so much respect for because they were able to heal and move on. The point I’m making with this is that even the avoidant that is toying with you, will get his own piece of poetic justice. Every negative energy created is balanced out eventually one way or another. Leave them alone and trust in the cosmic energy to fight your battle.
On a more personal note, I realized my shortcomings and now I ALWAYS clearly and unambiguously state my intentions from the very beginning and repeat it constantly. If it’s just sex, I reiterate it so no one gets the wrong idea. And I never ever lead them on. I’m currently single and I’ve promised myself that I will never deceive anybody until I’m sure I’m ready to commit and stick to my decision. Getting my own heart broken showed me how dangerous and hurtful my own personality trait could be towards others and I’m trying to work on it everyday.
Hey! :) What do you think makes avoidants fall out of love quickly and how can that be changed?
Karma
@@anja_zimobvious being clingy, naggy will do it
Well I hope she'll realize it too. All of my exes are avoidant especially the 2nd and the last one. I'm proud of myself I was able to detach and heal myself. Whenever we're not okay, they doesn't communicate. They always avoid the bullet and leave. What's even worse was they always blame me. It's draining.
I wasn't praying for Karma. I always pray they'll realize what they're doing. Don't send energy into the universe that you wouldn't like coming back to you. because I believe that you get tenfold what you put out. :)
About the processing of the breakup part, most coached say that avoidants process the breakup way later like 3-4 months, and you’re saying they process it even before the breakup… how is that true?
Wanting to be be someome that can't match your emotional language or you trying to be a different person to not trigger them is the recipe for abuse ..
Between avoidants and npd there's a fine line .Anyway you will end up drained and not loved ..but hoping for that firsts times they meet you and they seem so connected ..but that same feeling you will never have again ..theyll have it with new people but not with you .face this and accept it and move on. You holding on an impossible makes you an avoidant too ,because you are making space for them while rejecting everyone else because in the meantime you idealized and put on a pedestals a person that in reality can't pass the romantic initial state ,they can't make bonds that's the next step from a romantic connection.They can't .
It sounds like a description of a narcissist. It's like the narc is only interested in you during the love bombing stage.
Well put, that was my exact experience glad I finally gave up and moved on.
So true!
I just met an avoidant, and it's honestly exhausting to keep up with her. I'd say it's not worth it. just let them go.
I just met one too, 3 months of dating and I’m done with this
I feel you. With an avoidant for 10 years married for 7 and I am emotionally drained. Not too mention that his family is a nightmare to deal with. Don't neglect yourself like I did. Your feelings matter too. @@jenbodhi1133
Just dump them. Not worth the trouble. Life is too short for games with crybabies, weirdos, and narcissists.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Facts
jokes on you, nothing to pull back if you're blocked
This hurts because it's true but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this! Thanks for that
Lol
It's not a laughing or joking matter, I got blocked after 3 years and I am devastated
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
In my opinion when you stop caring and focus on yourself that's when they try to come back when you heal or are going through a healing process and you pay them no mind when you set boundaries and when you no longer chase them or demand closure that's when they will test the waters
I'm in the same boat and I'm tired receiving mixed signals from her so decided to stop pursuing her and move on. I don't want to stay with a women who doesn't care about me.
@@jcm2789 Good! Maintain your self respect and walk away.
Only thing is…you’ll be back at square one with them before you know it and they’ll be pulling away again! It’s a vicious cycle with them! It’s best to get off that Merry-Go-Round.
@@spiritandtruth7799 I don't want to be with her anymore, right now I'm chatting another women who's gorgeous than the previous one but i'll take more careful now.
so true. the moment you move on or block them from your life, is the moment they want back in, and if you let them, the cycle just repeats itself over and over. it also always seems to be about THEIR needs, and never even acknowledging or even considering that you have needs too.
"When they pull back, you pull back." Sounds so simple! But at the same time, how long do you give space to the avoidant? A week? A month? For the person with anxiety who is trying to give the avoidant their space, this is maddening if we don't know what to expect or when to try to reach out again.
It's a cycle of loop hoping you're gonna have to go through for as long as they decide. You're in charge of nothing when in a relationship with an avoidant. I was with one for so many years I stopped counting. I constantly sacrificed my own needs to cater to what I thought their was, and the more I did that, the more they felt repulsed by me. It's actually making me laugh now to realise how unconscious how was and how much healing myself was needed when I look back. I was giving my soul to someone who wouldn't give me a glass of water with an open heart. This is one of the relationships I am most grateful for. Ohhhh boy did that teach me self worth.
I met another avoidant few weeks ago. I got triggered, but recognized the signs and decided to part ways peacefully. I understand some people want to work it out with their avoidant and respect to them, of course avoidants have understandable issues and deserve love as anyone else. But personally I now lose interest pretty fast with these types of attachments style, I feel compassion but I move on. I m not interested in saving anyone anymore and I think that's pretty arrogant to feel like I would need to anyway, as if I was free of issues myself lol. If I was I d probably be in a healthy relationship now and I m not 😁
If the person is anxious,he should just be straightforward and ask the avoidant abt how much space they need..avoidant dont want mind games and a nagging person as they love space... if other one play tricks the avoidant find it not worth their time and he can shut the door forever. Coz simply the avoidant avoids others not to get hurt and also for their own need as introvert type. U just hv to be straightforward.
@@sunbeam9222 its not saving an avoidant...he just need time to recharge like introverts, n he dont like mind games and nagging person. If u are different type like extroverts u sud avoid them.
@@moviesexplaininhindi5625 lol Thry don't like nagging, Thry don't like care, they don't like talking not affection, basically they need a statue till they decide to work on themselves and stop trying to fill up their own cup through people who have compassion and care.
@@marcd2743 thank you Cliff
Avoidents need to nurture their avoiding skills and keep out of 'normal' people's way. Save a lot of people a lot of anxiety!
how can you love if you dont risk getting hurt....avoidants dont really love you they only want the illusion...
The Plague. Look it up and avoid them like one. It's that simple.
This comment section helped me a lot!
it's like the poem from Patrick Kavanagh:
"We are not alone in our loneliness,
Others have been here and known
Griefs we thought our special own
Problems that we could not solve
Loves that we could not have
Pleasures that we missed by inches."
Thank you guys!
If you are an anxious dating an avoidant, just leave them before it is too late. You don't deserve this torture. I have learned my lesson. They don't have the capability to understand you. They are non-functional in a relationship. Period.
They don't like to communicate like an adult, they prefer to run away instead of solve a problem. They're selfish, they don't compromise, they won't meet you in the middle and the breakup is always sudden that's crazy 😢
@@belindatheus9829 I'm sorry you had to go through this. Avoidants who work on themselves are not like this. Regardless of the past, the most imp is growth mentality and hunger to learn. Owning mistakes is a start. If you don't see that in your partner, time to re-evaluate.
@@belindatheus9829I’m sorry you went through this. What you’re describing happened to me last week and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life
Dated an avoidant for 2 months who wanted casual but I wanted a relationship. Thought I could do casual but after another 2 months I had it with flakey bare minimum so I ended it after having had two conversations stating require more committment. He was somehow shocked because he thought we were going so well and things were getting better and better. It was only getting better for him because I was the only one putting in any effort and he was just simply showing up with no plans and no idea. Went no contact. Two weeks later he turns up saying "I regret alot in my life and this isn't something I want to regret" and "when I thought about what I wanted in a partner it was you so we are exclusive". 7 weeks later he rocks up a couple days after our first real conversation and unexpectedly ends things brutally like a spastic just saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" and offering no other explanation saying "I know why but I don't want to say it". . Umm excuse me.. you're not ready for the relationship that you wanted 7 weeks ago.. told him "do you think this is something you're gonna regret" all he says is "don't use my weakness against me". Then texts me 5 days later thanking me for being there for him through a rough time he had and how much he appreciated me. Regret much? Haven't replied. He can go use someone else's heart as a trampoline.
Sorry for your experience, my avoidant fiancé just broke up with me one week after the engagement… they’re really toddlers we shouldn’t take them seriously
@@muhamedadel2012 whaaat!? Are you serious?? Are you okay?
Yes toddlers explains it perfectly. They may look like fully grown adult human beings but whats behind the wheel is for sure a triggered toddler having an emotional break down tantrum without any care to the hearts, minds and souls of the ones that truly love them. They're emotionally stunted and developmentally arrested at a childlike stage in their life regardless of them looking and seemin like a fully formed adult. Its all from their parents which is typically two also emotionally immature and psychologically inept individuals irresponsibly reproducing and passing on their trauma to the next generation
@@333LG I’m trying to get over the traumatic experience… all the explanation she gave me was that she was not happy in the relationship, this was after a text she had sent me saying how much she was glad with the engagement and how she loved me for who I am…. So much for loving 😅
Yes, a toddler is what you get - even if you are in a relationship with an avoidant, is it even a relationship worth having? If you want an emotional and intimate connection, a partnership, reciprocity, and you are a full-grown adult and required having adult conversations with your partner, and navigating the difficulties of life and sharing that journey with your partner, then you've made a particularly POOR choice to do life with an avoidant. So even if they come back, think long and hard about why you don't care about any of your own needs and expectations and are throwing them out the window for basically a body, and a distancing one at that, because not only are they unable to cope with any closeness or reveal themselves authentically, basically living in their perpetual toxic invulnerability, this permeates their worldview and their outlook on life, love, the future, etc etc.... is all about how they're going to 'go it alone' in spite of pretending they're competent to be there with you. The incompetency to be a romantic partner is akin to a toddler - this cannot be changed by someone other than themselves through therapy work, and you're fooling yourself if you think things are somehow going to change by investing in them
Reading this sounds exactly like the guy I dated. Wow… so sad how avoidants play with your heart instead of taking out the time to heal and work on the behavior…
Anybody else get looped in to a very hot heavy and affectionate start only to wonder where it all went 3 months later?
Literally feel like I got suckered and after I validated her ego she kinda just shut down a bit and threw me the "avoidant" card.
Went from getting tons of affection at the start to getting slim to nothing anymore after I showed her I was genuine and not gonna play her.
This feeling sucks and I'm irritated AF. I want to express myself, but literally have to keep to myself and do my own thing so I don't push her further away.
Yup same. You’re not alone
This hits it right on the dot. Such true words. Stay far away from an avoidant if you want to maintain your sanity! Don’t waste your time!!!!
Relationships are all about evolving, developing one and other, with this in mind Avoidents are clearly stuck in limbo going nowhere, causing anxiety in the people who love them and themselves knowing what their doing is wrong, subconsciously they know they are missing out, stifling their growth. I’ve recently experienced this and it’s no fun. This video has cemented my understanding and lifted the anxiety. I was seriously beginning to doubt myself, it was draining my positive energy. Therapy is the only answer for Avoidents, feeding them is folly. My advice to Avoidents, have faith, let go and take a chance, doing so is better than living in the dark. Great video 👍
Great comment 👏🏾
Thanks for commenting
I wish my DA would have taken a chance on us
@@adoptioncorner1984 someone else will! Move on. I just did and found myself again. All the best
I once took a chance...and got burned big time. No thanks. I'd rather have mediocre than to experience that kind of pain.
You don't leave a covert narc, you escape them. Avoidants are covert narcissists.
I think so too
I’m thinking so too
Just leave them. They just don't have genuine desire for you. There is someone better out there for you trust me. I did it. 😊
Yup, I was on this hamster wheel with my ex avoidant. It’s quite a mind f roller coaster of a relationship.
Same. I got off the wheel. They need healing and professional therapy, not “pulling back”. Would rather be single and in peace than in their torture device to figure out what they’re thinking while they lack communication skills. Next!
@@FM-zg5hz you said it!
Amen!!!!!!!
@@FM-zg5hz this is my whole energy. This person nearly ruined me
@@moniqueabundance They induce constant stress, raised cortisol levels which cause increased risk for heart attacks, wrinkles, weight gain, depression, wrinkles, hair loss. And so much more. Don’t risk your health.
I am definitely an anxious attachment style but I think these issues are much more complex than people realize. I’m probably attracted to avoidant types because deep down I’m avoidant myself. If someone was pursuing me or calling me all the time or wanting all my attention all the time I would feel smothered and totally turned off. The truth is I need a lot of space myself and am very independent so any sign of someone coming on too strong or being too needy or trying to control me would probably turn me off. I’m much more comfortable being the one to pursue rather than be pursued and I have to chose who I want, not be chosen by someone else. But then when I’m involved with an avoidant it’s very triggering to my anxious attachment style, yet I have to admit that I probably feel more comfortable in that type of connection. But instead of being able to acknowledge or accept that society shames women if they are the ones who pursue or makes women feel bad if the guy isn’t doing X, Y, Z like it’s a reflection of her doing something wrong.
Same!!!! Wow I never thought about myself as the avoident. I'm just like you tho.. but if I'm the one who chooses him then I get anxious and I want to commit. I don't worry about losing independence in those cases...but my avoident lovers on other hand...
My experience exactly! Thanks for articulating it so well!
This is so true!!
@ Jennifer McKenney, you have described me! I am just as you have described and you described your anxious attachment style with great clarity that I can relate to. Thanks!💡
You sound like a fearful avoidant-not an anxiously attached. I know because I’m the exact same way. It’s like a mix of anxious and avoidant, and different people bring out the different sides to you.
The best advice is to avoid dating an avoidant. The pain and misery they will make you feel is not worth it.
Go for who wants what you want, avoidants are EVIL!
Not evil. Just infantile, lazy, and entitled.
Why are you teaching people with anxious attachment style to cater to the avoidant attachment? That seems odd to me. Instead of having the avoidant work on their issues...
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now
Bingo! Avoidants should not be in a relationship until they have healed so they don’t harm those who try to love them.
I have since changed my view on this lol I feel more understanding of where a person is at and working with them on it, if you would like. It's not necessarily catering but more of an understanding of another person. Though, I still agree that an avoidant should be working on themselves as well. Being loving towards oneself and understanding where their loneliness comes from. Healing seems like a life long process, so we can't expect someone to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. Having said that, you also have to accept where a person is and not fall in love with their potential. So, if you are not being treated well and the other person doesn't want to change or is not willing to work on their issues, then it's a problem. Also if they don't seem to be improving after you've tried to work on it for a while. At some point, you have to say you deserve better.
Because some might got
married ..
And ending a marriage is a big thing all around the world... So if some one is not able to leave that marriage with an avoidant person
Least they can do is learn how to live with them and protecting their mental health.
I have been married to one going on 9 years. I’m healthier now, learned of my trauma, got sober, more mindful. If I was healthy back then I would’ve never married him. I’ve learned that by doing this dance I enabled this dance of his unresolved trauma and kept reliving an old identity of mine (my past abandonment trauma) that no longer served me. For those that are avoidants, being a wife to one that I have loved dearly and have been there for him every step of the way even when I was alone in the relationship because that is what it is to be in relationship with you, please heal this. This is no way to thrive, years will pass and then you’ll wonder why one day you’re alone, you don’t let anyone in.
Simple advice...focus on yourself...don't wait on anyone and if they avoid...it's their choice...why you should solve it? Let them be and act in your life like you never met them. Because if someone refuse to be presented in your life, it's not your job fix them.
💯
After this video my conclusion is - avoid the avoidant
Avoidants really are hard work and you never know where they are in their heads, has the video suggests let them go, if they want you and your open to them they will come back, if not so be it, don't chase and hold onto hope, life is simply too short to waste time waiting or wishing, I've done it with a avoidant and never again. She was all over me for 6 weeks then ended it out the blue because we started to get serious, blocked me and haven't heard from her in 3 months. Just let them be guys simple. Someone cut them somewhere down the line, don't bleed on us, someone who cares for them it simply isn't fair, they don't realise how they are hurting us.
6 years we fitted like gloves. When the marriage talk started to get real she bailed saying that she “needs to figure her traumas and such”, never wanted to share with me after we lived together for 3 years. A month had passed by, after trying to “fix” things I went no contact as she seems content with her decision, didn’t even try to reach out.
We started pretty young, lesson learned. Never heard about attachment styles and emotional safety until this happened. Now ill know to look out for these red flags and work on myself to be less anxious 😬
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now❤❤
🙌🏻
Wh atsA p p👆him now❤❤
@@melissahunter824 stop lying
My avoidant was the one that brought up all the tipping points. I wanted to move slower but he wanted to get married, have kids and move in. As we started doing those things and issues would arise, I tried to work through them but he wanted to pretend they never happened. Me trying to work through the issues and refusing to ignore them, he refused couples therapy, moved out and eventually broke up with me. He told me he wanted fun and peace not drama and didn’t see me being that girl anymore. Then started telling me I deserve better
I’m sorry to say this but everything I’ve learned about an avoidant is pointing to them having extreme levels of immaturity and needing to seriously grow up. You can’t be selfish and only show up in a relationship when you feel like it. That’s is what makes people anxious, constantly pulling away will have the other person in their head and a secure person isn’t going to put up with you being consistently inconsistent.
Kinda sounds like fearful avoidant, not dismissive
there is no greater pain than an anxiously attached person with an avoidant attachment person. There’s no healthy relationship or healing between the 2 styles UNLESS BOTH are aware of their attachment styles and have been working on it (prior to the relationship) and are committed to working on becoming more secure as individuals for a lifetime. Other than that, it’s a repetitive cycle of anguish and confusion which is ultimately just toxic and keeps u from becoming authentically beautiful.
I wasted two years with an avoidant. Time that could have been better spent with a secure person
6 yrs of hell
3 1/2 year relationship with an avoidant I’ve researched as much as I could understand her attachment style. And thought I could work around this bread crumb and push and pull kind of emotional tug-of-war for her to feel safe and for me to feel valued. It’s just not possible healthy, relationships, resolved, conflict, avoidance do everything in their power to push you away and never address the core problems. I broke up with her once already, but made the mistake of going back. We broke up. I’m not making the same mistake. It is not a relationship worth having
@mattt6871 can we talk? I would appreciate some insight on this subject, please. Grateful in advance
Nope. Don’t want my avoidant EX back. Every conflict, argument or questioning he was out. Never could resolve any issues. Everything was on his terms. When you said I had enough he started saying everything I wanted to hear. Too late. I needed to get out of this toxic cycle.
same here, literally broke up with me everytime we had an "argument". argument in air quotes because it was basically just me talking and him being completely checked out of what i was saying. so bizarre because when things were good he was very good to me. but god forbid we have an issue, it was like a switch was flipped and he just wanted out, every single time. broke up about 5 times in just one year. the last time i just had enough, told him this was a sick cycle and i wasnt going to do it anymore.
@@reymariee Sounds familiar. 7 months, ending with the 3rd break up, always implied by her. Always arguments: like changing what I said in what she thinks it really is- me talking like crazy to correct, loosing all my energy. Most arguments happening in a small-good period or after a great day.
Ruining everything. ...
yep!
@@reymariee, I could have written this. 2.5 yr relationship and there were about 8 breakups because of our "arguments". If I did not agree with him, he would get quiet and sulk. Usually that behavior, indicates that a break is coming. Being involved with an avoidant has been the most painful and mentally exhausting relationship that I have ever experienced. It is a series of ghosting, forever walking on eggshells and fear. Always afraid of being discarded. We are now broken up. Thankfully. Finally off the merry go round. I think that I have aged 20 years just from this relationship alone.
@@madgestye1325 its so wild how much I can relate to all the replies comments here. I was in the exact same boat, everytime there was an issue it was completely one sided and she did not want to resolve, just went completely quiet and would withdraw, couldn’t even talk about it. You just never knew when she would be sweet to talk with again and this could last days. Mind you this would happen even after the nicest day together it didn’t matter, it was like self sabotage each time she knew things were great and we got closer it’s as if she had something ingrained in her mind to stop the closeness and fight about nothing and not meet in the middle for resolution so you just sit there fighting against a brick wall whilst they are checked out and not even there emotionally or mentally they aren’t even paying attention or trying to resolve with you, you are ultimately ignored over and over again.
I blocked her and told myself I’d never unblock, been 7 months so very painful but hope to move forward
Stay strong
This is an impossible game. I think we are just incompatible. I don’t want to chase or have to play mind games
💯
i’m a fearful avoidant and when an avoidant pulls away i do internally feel anxious but i pull away too simply because i made a vow to myself that i’m not going to put in the effort if the other person doesn’t (overcoming my people pleasing tendencies), and i focus on self-love and my hobbies
Literally just described my life, now I don't want to be with an avoidant at all..
It’s utterly ridiculous and pointless
17 years of long distance relationship I didn’t know he was avoidant. He send me a ring in the mail . Said keep it we have nothing in common and broke up w me in text. He is 48 years old. I am 43 too late to have kids. My life is ruined. I hate all avoidant people. There should be a stamp on a drivers license for them -- keep away from healthy individuals--
WHAT'SPP ME
Sounds like you made some choices here being with him long distance for that long.
It is much easier and you will be happier if you find someone with a secure attachment style
You should not always be the one working on the relationship and the one bending to meet their needs while not having your needs met
@Flagirl1985 yes I took a break from dating for a year. I concentrated on self awareness and self work . My friendships with my friends, adult children, and extended family became stronger and more secure. With this new strength I went in Match and currently I am in a healthy, loving, secure relationship
WHAT'SPP ME
Facts!!!!
I think when dealing with avoidants, one has to be emotionally stable and self aware enough to realize that avoidants are simply who they are, and if you don't like how your avoidant partner is showing up, it's ok for you to end the relationship, without having to demonise or call them names. I think if you view another humanbeing as narcissistic, to some extent you yourself are displaying narcissistic tendencies, because you want another person to be for you, what you can't be for yourself! We are all at different stages in our lives and we were not all raised by loving caretakers. So our attachment styles will always be different. Empathy goes a long way folks. If you are dating an avoidant and you can't deal with his or her disappearing acts, just love yourself enough to let go, without being emotionally charged or seeing them as selfish or however many describe them. There is someone out their waiting to love you, as you waste your time shaming an avoidant who isn't ready to heal their inner child!🤷🏾♀️
Most of these comments are from deranged stalker types projecting their own manipulative tendencies onto the elusive avoidant that does not want to be understood by that type of person. Your comment was refreshing and I appreciate it. Fundamentally, cluster b and cluster c are very different. I think one big difference is that Avoidant’s have better memories and always notice when we say something vulnerable and the anxious uses it to hurt us later. For ex, if I told my boyfriend that my childhood friends are disgusted by weed smokers and he gossiped with someone about me smoking it, and I found out about that gossip somehow (which would be hard for me to do because I respect boundaries, never pry, never look into devices). Stuff like that is usually he said she said. If I found out about it and cared enough to try and fix the broken trust rather than just ghost (unlikely), I’m taking a big risk because I have now just confirmed to a sadistic person this is the exact button you can push with these exact associates to hurt me in the future. The anxious watches a video like this and thinks “if they push away, I push away by breaking their trust and burning bridges.” Because they lack the self control and ability to entertain themselves with other friends and hobbies, to just forget about me and let me do my own thing for a week or so. They would rather meddle “and fix” and push away, hoping we will yo-yo back. I don’t play games. I set clear boundaries, and if you can’t handle them, I can’t handle you. We are not compatible. I become close friends or date an avoidant, sometimes we don’t tell for weeks or months at a time, and neither of us care. We are RELIEVED when the other person doesn’t go psycho stalker mode and make us cut ties with them. And we are lonely because the majority of people are anxious attachment and simply not compatible with us, but will try to pretend to be and play games like we are some kind of trophy and not just a person with solid boundaries and extremely perceptive and organized memories. We care about our independence more than anything, and we fear falling in love with someone who strives to strip that away some day.
What a mature healthy opinion 🙌👌👌Thanks for sharing 👍
Absolutely agree. No judgement needed. We all struggle. No one needs shaming. If one is at an healthy stage when it comes to relationships they won't feel that triggered, simply recognise it's not match and move on.
@@sunbeam9222 when we are emotionally healthy we get triggered less and we focus more on Accountability and Personal Responsibility. We simply Recognise, Accept what it is we are dealing with, we don't project, we simply "move on realising that this is not a match"....Next....I'm not big on shaming or name calling because i realise that there are areas in my life where I haven't come to consciousness and I would like others to be a little gracious towards me when I can't see clearly. I cannot expect empathy from others, if I can't offer it to others when they need it. Part of emotional maturity is not making it about us all the time. It's also got a lot to do with seeing things for what they are not what we wish they could be. I like the way you think @Sunbeam👊🏾
Avoidants are still accountable for their own behavior and treatment of others! It's never okay to justify neglecting the emotional needs of others that you are in a relationship with! Avoidants needs to be held accountable and get the help they need to be present and fulfilling partners to others!
Trying to communicate my feelings with my ex avoidant only served to hurt me. He said it seems like he’s always “in trouble” with me. What a crock of 💩. He just couldn’t handle having an adult conversation. Coward.
'in trouble' is how a child feels lol - sounds spot on
They are narcissist too, just move on to another secure and treat you very well like you deserve
This was great video explaining the avoidant very well! It helped to put some things in perspective. It doesn’t seem worth it in the end to deal with an avoidant. I know relationships take work but I’d prefer to not be the only one trying while the other is constantly disappearing. It just hurts.
Basically what we have learned is avoid avoidant attachment styles. Bc they're selfish assholes who are incapable of empathy or actually caring about another human being. Or at least that's my experience
Also known as covert narcissist
Yep