The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
@@ruthr8990 I hear you!! Iam usually a very forgiving person, but with these people, mostly men in my world,it is very difficult to work with them and it is very one sided.
I'm so stupid. I bombarded him with the L word a bunch of times last week and now he won't even respond to me. I told him I didn't expect him to say it back but I couldn't bear to hold in my feelings any longer. Loving an avoidant is so complicated and exhausting.
Completely understandable that you feel exhausted because this can be so hard and so complicated!!! You don’t deserve to be called stupid and I bet you would never say that to anyone else. Why do you say it to yourself? Was there a critical person in your past who is still with you in your thoughts? Have you thought about working on ridding yourself of this inner critic? You are absolutely worth it. ❤
@@SC-sh6uxThank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I'm going to try and shift the focus back onto myself to determine where this self-criticism stems from. This is the kind of deep inner work I need to be doing in order to heal, not worrying what he's thinking or doing 24/7.
I mean, a trauma response of starting a business isn't meaningful; if they're not a coward, why would they shut down not communicate out of the blue for weeks and months? If you don't want to be with somebody, just say that. if you have a problem, just say that it's extremely disheartening and difficult, especially if their partner is going out of their way to make sure that they're comfortable and anticipate their needs and to do everything humanly possible to for
You are not stupid. You have needs and feelings that are completely normal. He has a deficiency. You are totally worth telling him your feelings and having your needs met. Stay strong. These men are very hard to love.
This man's videos has saved my marriage. I am the avoidant one . Deeply religious over achiever woman . My husband finally has the wife and marriage he wants.
Um, but do you have the husband and marriage you want too? Or are your wants and needs not prioritized as much as his are? Just curious... Because how you worded it seems like that may be the case...
@@samanthanelson1333 I meet my needs. I have children, family and friends. My needs have never been prioritized. And, I am not super needy. So, I believe in self help. I help myself. I grieved the death of my ideal fantasy husband long ago. Thats the only reason I was able to stay thirty years. But, I wish that I had left before the children came.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been hurt so deeply. It’s completely understandable that after going through such a difficult experience with an avoidant partner, you’d feel protective of your emotions and want to avoid repeating that kind of pain. What steps have you taken to address the wounds formed from this experience?
I’m going to add some insights for you and your audience. One of the definition of “risk” is: possibility of loss or injury. The only way for a person to see everything as a “risk” is because they operate out of FEAR. When you operate with a fear-based consciousness, EVERYTHING is a RISK. People who do not operate out of fear, do not see everything as a risk, but rather an OPPORTUNITY. That’s the difference. Furthermore, the reason why avoidant men very successful in business but fail in relationships because in businesses there is no need to deal with feelings and emotions. It’s all logical. Avoidant people live more in their head and ego. And they are weaker in processing emotions and feelings. They don’t do well with their emotions and feelings. They can’t manage their own feelings and emotions, never mind their partners. This is why they avoid it. Couple with the fact that their emotional intelligence is lower (not saying as a judgment; but as a fact.) These types of people are emotionally stunted. That is why when you speak their language, it has to be all logical with little to no emotions and feelings. These types of people need a lot of healing so they are more balanced with their mind and heart. They operate too much with their mind and little or zero with their emotions and feelings. Good decisions are always balanced with both heart and mind. And when it comes to seeing the world, it also needs to be viewed with heart and mind, not just with the mind. It is an inaccurate perspective.
This is soooo accurate,wow. A year and two months into my relationship with my avoidant and he has gone from stonewalling me on any conversation that had any kind of emotion attached to it, to now speaking my language, and it took me to do what youre explaining in this video, treat our relationship like a business , tell him my needs clearly succinctly without being emotional, showing him i'm not a risk that Im not gonna quit on us when we have issues, and he started putting his defenses down and he also started making a very deliberate effort to meet my needs. Thankyou for your channel, the knowledge and info you share is gold!
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's wonderful to hear how applying these principles has helped improve your relationship. I appreciate your love and support!
I'm so glad it's worked. He explains it so well as Im an avoidant and this would totally sooth my relationship. Avoidant people are very hard workers in their jobs.. we provide because we avoid our needs to give the only way we know how. My parents worked their asses off for me, and maybe have been avoidant emotionally but I respect what they did . We are giving , but don't want our giving to be mistreated, taken advantage of. We don't want to give love (it's hard enough) without knowing love won't come back.. at least in my relationship.. If you can help us remove the risk of finances, with being a team, understanding out needs. I think we are much more giving than alot of channels portray.
I couldn’t agree more. I am in the middle of learning and adjusting my approach with an avoidant style man. I am working hard at my anxious style. With my lead…having learned & grown & adjusted my approach…this wonderful man is opening. I feel so thankful and so loved. Thank you Adam!
I hear this and have interest, but when a man makes you believe he loves you and makes a vow to love you on his own and you give your heart, mind , body and soul to the marriage based on his vows to you and God and leaves you after he demeans you, gaslights you , talks bad about you for years to be the good guy to the kids and his peers...I think his avoidance is a spiritual issue between him and God
Oh my God! When you said the “well I’m still here” line. I spit out my coffee. That is my guy so much and to me (anxious) I’m like what the heck? That’s not love that’s tolerance.
I think it's good to see both sides of the coin, I also want to say to the ladies, if he walks away, LET HIM. MOVE ON. Don't look back and know that he will regret losing a high value woman who knows her worth.
I'm dating an avoidant man. I've watched so many of your videos! I've really enjoyed them. But I'm at the point where this seems like a lot of work with very low "get back" so to speak! Where we need to have patience, and being put in a position where we are in a off set way "fixing" a grown man, what woman wants to put in all that work without knowing for sure things will change? Yep, good question, because you can't answer that! It's draining, it's setting aside our boundaries & wants and putting his first or HE WILL RUN. If you have any insight or tips, I'm all ears! Besides constantly doing what he wants or needs.....
@SunshineAndSnowflakesno no no, wait, this is blame shifting. The question topic starter asks is she dating _unhealthy_ (in your language) avoidant person - because obviously you can’t fulfil your own healthy emotional needs with avoidant’s behaviors. They are just not here for you when you need them. So there is zero TS’s guilt, from the question itself. They are willing to sacrifice and asking how long it is reasonable (usually as long as your resources last…) We _or_ stay and sacrifice _until_ that avoidant person _maybe_ heals, or they merely walk away. There is no option to respect your emotional needs during that period of time - it’s heavily shifted into the territory of secure person’s sacrificing. (I’m saying secure, because it’s most likely option: as if it’s an anxious person in such situation, the suffering of retraumatising would be so tremendous this stage will not last long).
@SunshineAndSnowflakes in other words, it’s a _conscious choice_ to sacrifice into relationships with avoidant we are talking about here. Not about anyone letting go their needs/boundaries without understanding and conscious decision to see situation as is and still do it.
The whole problem is that avoidants see relationships from the wrong point of view. I'm also avoidant, but I've come to see relationships as a great source of self-awareness, self-improvement, and self-healing, and with this approach, I can take any risk in relationships and not lose. It is not possible to lose even if the relationship ends badly, because even the bad relationship gives me a lot, but only because I am able to accept it and use it for my growth in right way. I think it's incredibly important to teach this other avoidants - to change their perspective and approach to relationships.
I’m an avoidant woman…and this video and language makes 10000% sense to me. Totally resonates and is super helpful for explaining to my partner what I need and how I view love and risk. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
@@yeswing10I’m avoidant leaning but there are degrees of being avoidant. Some men are way too avoidant for my taste. I don’t like drama and being blamed for not being co dependent but avoidant men are the other extreme. They’ll run at the sight of even a perceived threat. I think they assume that because I’m a woman I’m going to be too demanding. But I let them run off because I don’t have the energy to chase and I’m watching too many issues from the guy. And if they do pursue me, I’m wondering why he’s being so aggressive. Maybe I’m the extreme one
can I ask you something? Should I text him after no contact? He is an avoidant and we were together for almost 5 years. I broke up with him 6 weeks ago and we are in no contact since then. I now understand him better with all ghe videos I watched. But should I text him first or should I wait?
@@TanjaMacyyythis is hard to answer. Not sure why you broke up…and 6 weeks is awhile with no contact. Here’s the deal, if I were you, I’d reach out if I loved this person. Life is too short. But I would be very careful next time about breaking up unless I really wanted to. Because the more you do this, the less he will trust you. I’d avoid breaking up completely unless you mean it. You can say you need some time alone or something. However 5 years is a long time. I’d reach out and it sounds like you want to
I studied attachment theory last year through a school all summer and fall and NEVER learned what I have here In just a couple videos...Just WOW! I cried (anxious attacher) after another video you did and now am holding so much compassion towards my husband...game changer after 41 years of feeling so unloved, unheard, and unknown. I have real hope now..ty ty ty
I'm touched by your words. It's incredible to hear that the videos have brought you hope and a new perspective on your relationship after so many years.
lol. He’s consistent and otherwise unclear… However, he recently has started bringing up his fears. No word yet on what that specifically means, but I’ve simply expressed to him that identifying fears is a big part of resolving them, and that I wouldn’t use them as weapons against him. Anyway… it’s a great story. It’s been worth sticking around for, wven though it hasn’t been super easy all the time.
But also the worst advice on making it work with an avoidant. He puts all the work on the partner which I believe is not fair not to mention that it doesn't work.
Comparing my experiences with avoidant and secure partners, I can confidently say that being with a secure man is like night and day. No more walking on eggshells - it's simple, easy, and feels amazing to receive the affection and reassurance you deserve. Avoidant men need to prioritize self-improvement instead of relying on others to cater to their emotional needs. It's time we collectively stop enabling this behavior and encourage them to address their attachment issues. Let's empower ourselves and encourage healthier relationships for everyone involved by moving on from avoidant men that won't work on healing themselves.
Well said. This holds true for everyone no matter what label society uses. All humans are flawed. We’re meant to be whole not perfect. Learning and self awareness is part of the journey and we can only control and change ourselves - if we want. Compassion helps.
I have no issue catering to emotional needs, my issue is the expectation to be a mind reader and the “make me happy” mindset. I can’t read his mind, especially with no communication, try my best to push the right buttons blindly, and miss the mark. Then my efforts aren’t noticed because they aren’t the things he’s fixated on me fulfilling. It took our son saying, “Dad, you say Mom doesn’t care about you. I can point out 20 things she has done every single day of my entire life without fail to show she loves you.” That seemed to get through to him and he’s opened his eyes a bit to the love I sprinkle around to my people daily. Dude, you’re not a puppy that people will fawn over just because you exist. That puppy is just as excited to see you, loves you the way you are, and matches your energy. My husband walking through the door has been the highlight and big exhale of my day for 30 years and I have no clue why because that energy hasn’t been matched in 20 years. I’ll give him credit for making more of an effort since our son pointed out the obvious to him. Sorry to ramble and make it about me here, still working through all this and finding my voice. 😣
My dad ~ an avoidant. I was assigned to assist him (as 1 of 4 children). His gaze scared my friends into behaving. His big risks in business, creativity, and new frontiers drove my childhood to wondrous heights. He saw and heard Everything. My mom complained, "I can't Stand when he asks me why I do or want to do anything!" ......Wow....Now I get it ~ and how (a well-translated) life with an avoidant man is a True Adventure. Thank you SO much for these illuminations.
But if he feels emotional when he feels attached that’s a problem because it increases his risk and fear. So it is deep rooted patterns that needs attention beside communication. It is in their subconscious. So it is great way of addressing it but still needs some inner work and constant awareness.
Yes, and first of all desire from their side to work on it. Many of them pretty much aware of their ways and patterns. They don’t see the reward big enough to work on change - instead of continue habitual coping strategies and defences. And If there are no oxytocin receptors involved anyway, - is the reward indeed worth it for them?..
I found you yesterday and it was like a lightbulb moment! I hated watching the negatives that say walk away from avoiders… don’t all people deserve to be understood and you develop a way to make things work? You are the first positive view I’ve found! As a ‘fluffy unicorn’ it was like a lightbulb moment
That's fantastic to hear! I'm so glad my videos resonated with you and offered a more positive perspective on attachment styles. What aspects of my videos resonated most with you?
@@AttachmentAdam a lot of how I speak. I feel im giving choices to free up the stress of deciding, but to him it’s like an ultimatum which is a lot more threatening than freedom to choose. I didn’t realise he needed to trust me, I thought it was the other way round. But also that we are already along the journey to a better place as he already opens up and is affectionate. It’s made me feel honoured. I think I needed to keep constant and not panic, which I see now (things aren’t my fault, it’s the pasts fault helps) It’s nice to see these listed as it gives hope. I think like a psychologist and can look in from outside my relationship, with friends too, and we shouldn’t give up on people but find solutions ❤️ Thank you for being positive. Fluffy unicorns like positive lol
@AttachmentAdam Have you look into avoidants that won’t deal with things outside the relationship? We are growing but there are things out of my control outside the relationship that he needs to deal with and, other than me giving encouragement, I don’t know what else to do but it stopping us moving forward fully. Thank you
Thank you sooo much, this is exactly how things can work out... From being anxious, I’m now secure, and since I knew from the start we were ment to be together, I never quit on him, I stayed his best friend with so wonderful moments together... I feel that he finally trust in me, I want him no harm , there are so fewer risks for him... This is so accurate ❤
My avoidant man is definitely not a coward… he’s an adventurous super hero ❤i wish I could learn to overcome my anxious attachment and my insecurities so I can be his safe space and so I can give him freedom while feeling secure❤I hope he will open his heart and stop freezing me out. I feel like we can balance each other out and we both need each other. I hope I can make him happy and that he will happily fulfill my needs ❤ sending love to everyone else on here 🙏 hope you get the most loving secure romantic and safe relationship you deserve ❤
That is absolutely beautiful! You have a heart of gold. If you ever need guidance please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com -I'm here to help!❤
@@AttachmentAdam 🥰 thank you so much! I’m so happy I recently found your channel. You’ve been a huge help already. It’s a relief to hear someone be so perceptive and who totally gets it. Thank you for all the great advice 🙏
Sounds like the partner needs to also be emotionally unavailable for it to work. As long as I never bring up feelings, it’s all good. The second I ask if I’m making him happy, boom. Shut down. Don’t know if that’s emotional manipulation or emotional wound
Honest question: do you realise labeling a man 'emotionally unavailable' is aggressive? The equivalent would be to label a woman 'sexually unavailable', 'she should have sex with me'. You you need to earn his trust, and if he doesnt, his reasons are valid too. Usually, a man does not open up because an anxious immature woman will create drama whenever the man shares something. (The 'trap' questions). Or uses it against him in the next fight. And a symptom of immaturity is to never take responsibility for your own side, hence it's the man thats 'emotionally unavailable'. Not saying this applies to you! I dont know you. Just wanted to give you this perspective.
Wow!!! This makes sooo much sense! We are both engineers, successful professionals- I do failure analysis (risk assessment) every day! I didn’t know this is how he is viewing a relationship with me. I can do this- I can change my communication with him to address and discuss risks in our connection, and what we want or don’t want. Thank you. I’m trying this starting today to help me connect in his game of life better so that we can both get through to the connection of love in a very safe space ❤
That sounds like a fantastic approach! Viewing your relationship through the lens of risk assessment can help you both communicate more effectively and address potential issues before they escalate.
Mind…blown! If I had this vocabulary in my toolkit years ago it might have saved my first marriage (to an avoidant project manager). In any case, it will help me in future and I’m grateful to have found your channel!
He might find it valuable to check out the new course I just released a few days ago. adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn more about it here and see if its a good fit and I would recommend watching it together and discussing the modules and exercises as you go.
@@AttachmentAdam Adam, you still use “fear of commitment” in this course description. Targeting anxious? Avoidants are traumatising experience for them…
I’m a woman in process of healing my disorganized attachment style and this makes sense to me where I’ve been feeling it’s high risk to express my needs and emotions to an avoidant man because it feels like he will shut down and leave if I do. So I’ve not been investing in avoidant men who haven’t started investing into their emotional literacy on their own. Interesting concept to speak in terms of risk analysis!
Hello Adam. Great video as always. Thank you! Do you have another video explaining the 4 levels of trust and the 3 types of chemistry you mentioned in this video?
Not for nothing, as a FA leaning secure, imo, the biggest risk of life is being vulnerable with other people. Why is it that this isn’t the perspective of avoidant men? Being risk adept in business is measurable by profit and loss yes, but really risk adeptness in love is measurable by family, peace, partnership no? Regardless of attachment if you’ve been hurt by a parent, or former love of course you’ll be more cautious, but inflicting that pain on someone YOU engaged to get to know and be with by discarding them and not communicating with them is cruel and will keep you from the love you initially claimed to want. Make it make sense please because I’m a very concrete person and do not like reading into intention. You like me?, show it. You don’t?, say it and leave me alone. Period.
It’s a safety issue. Safety comes first instinctively and from the nervous system. Vulnerability is a risk. Vulnerability has not been safe in their experience. They aren’t t doing things to hurt people on purpose and they do feel deeply when they do end up hurting people. They get their peace the way they know how; by being alone and not getting hurt or hurting others because they don’t know another way. That’s not to excuse but to understand
I think you are absolutely correct. Why was my love interest on the dating site in the first place and telling me he was looking for a partner to stay with for the rest of his life? We both felt something when we met but what I got as a reaction was him running, stonewalling, ghosting, the whole program and according to this chap here I am not even allowed to express that this behaviour hurts me. I was a secure attacher until I met that man, his behaviour made me anxious and this expert guy here makes me feel that I was doing everything wrong. Better stay away from the avoidants in the first place.
You keep talking about someone finally understanding and them "almost crying" I now know you are NOT fabricating that..... you just said "Do you even live me?" "I'm still here aren't I?" I literally just dropped my head back, and looked at the sky, and got all choked up.... Omg....!!! The times that has come across... exact words... I'm just floored by this attachment theory thing. It is so spot on for both parties! I'm so excited that I found you and I'm excited to start working with you next week.
Brilliant! No finger-pointing. I will say that my situation is further complicated by war related PTSD; Vietnam vet. We've been together for 18 years, and I have made every single mistake with my approach. Thank you for the insights and your channel!
The information offered much clarity about how to understand and communicate with avoidant men. They communicate love in a very different manner. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s so beautiful when understood.
I'm glad the information provided clarity for you! Understanding how avoidant men communicate love differently can indeed lead to beautiful connections.
Thank you for this video ☺️ The knowledge of different attachment styles and what they mean is more important than people really understand. Nobody really talks about it. Thanks to this video, I understand now that our relationship would've been a risk he wasn't willing to take and that's it. As anxiously attached, I got more clearity now 😊
Thank you very much, Adam, for this instruction for use for a DA!! My DA broke up with me because I triggered his fear for control caused by the way I asked him for a clarification. At that time I didn't know that he is a DA. His answer was that he disliked my investigation behaviour and broke up, that happened 6 weeks ago. I started NC immediately. I still do love him and really hope that he will recontact me and we'll get a chance to restart a relationship because I'll follow your instructions for use !! Thank you Adam! Greetings from France
Taking business risks is a lot different than taking relationship risks or what I would call emotional risks. Emotional vulnerability is definitely an issue here. Whether it’s an avoidant man or woman. My question is how do you encourage them to try to push a little bit outside of their comfort zone and meet the emotional needs of their partners who are not avoidant?
Yes, what is growth (any growth) without going outside of your comfort zone? We might consider changing the 'ask' from expressing emotional "vulnerability" to having emotional "courage". (Time to man-up!), whether man or woman (as you said). The other issue is both the avoidant and their non-avoidant partner are in danger of remaining emotionally stunted and not developing fully with these patterns. No one is being challenged to grow emotionally.
I don’t want an intimate relationship with my avoidant, though I’ll be a friend to him. He is unable to support me emotionally. I am unable to share the most basic need for support. I just got a cancer scare, he had no idea how to be comforting or caring. I can forgive a friend, but that is not boyfriend or husband material. I have never confronted him (he would have just walked away like he does, and detached), never belittled him or pressured him to change. I care about him as a friend. I know he’s wounded, but that’s not my job to try to fix, talk about high “risk”. I hope he finds someone that fits and is willing do “business” with him.
Adam ...you are truly amazing. Everything you say is so clear and absolutely priceless. I feel with this knowledge that I can build a good relationship with my avoidant man. It s not complicated, it s logical and your strategy is so intelligent and definitely do-able. I wish you all the best and will be eternally greatful. I ll see how things progress and then will consider private coaching as my situation does have a particular unique complication which you will find quite interesting and possibly even a challenge. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the information has been helpful for you. I'm here to support you along your journey, and you can check out my new How to Love an Avoidant Man Course for more guidance. adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
I like your style. I see this from a whole new perspective now and it's good. Your focus is on men, but what about women that are avoiidant? I would like to hear your advice for a middle aged fearful avoiidant woman trying to date 🥴
It might also simply be a logical approach for someone that clearly sees the possibility of being hurt without actually being afraid. And, I believe there might also be a side of not wanting to feel strong emotions like fear therefore using risk makes them less defensive to the topic since it is about them and they are avoidant .. 😅 I don't know you tell me
@AttachmentAdam Hi, The "3 parts" : 1. 4 levels of trust 2. 3 types of real intimacy 3. understanding emotional intimacy These sound so necessary! I also like your various examples of how to say things so he can relate! Also, helping us to realize how things sound to an avoidant person and why...how he became avoidant. I think I have become that way too, bc much of what you describe of how they think makes sense to me too! For example, I have become so much more distrusting and guarded bc of so much hurt, disappointment and betrayal over the years. I work hard not to become bitter, to forgive . I have been able to begin to see what part I played in ot all, too.
Adam, I respect your advice and I think you raise accurate points about avoidant men. As an anxious attachment, I did my absolute best to use this approach on my bf, and he immediately got defensive and invalidated what I brought up. Asking, did you go outside? Changing the subject. I even said it’s okay if this is uncomfortable for you, but I think this will try to help us. He took it still as a beratement of his character. Our conversation eventually erupted into 2 hours of arguing and ugliness. There is so much to resolve, im not sure how to go from here besides pushing my feelings under the rug and settling? Seems to be the only option
This sounds so hard. Am a psychosocial Counselor n a TH-camr. I help people who come to me on different topics. I found attachment styles interesting n thought I could learn n help others but EISH! It sounds like am dealing with a Robot. I have guided those who can get online to this Chanel but feel like I will just confuse those that cant. It's why I asked you for guidance through role playing. Watching you from Africa. Zambia Southern Africa. Blessings ❤
My experience with a DA is that they calculate risk until they suddenly don’t. Then they do HUGE knee-jerk risks that puts everything they worked so hard on in jeopardy when emotions bubble up. I’m a recovering FA that is mostly SA at this point. During the height of being FA I calculated risk to a fault, but didn’t fly off the handle. My DA has been so unpredictable and I never knew when he was going to smash through everything we built like the Kool-Aid man, stepping on his own toes (to use a nicer term) in the process. Then I stand there shellshocked while he looks at me like “What’s your problem?”
Thanks for providing insights into this topic, however I can’t help but wonder why someone needs to jump through all sorts of hoops when it is actually the avoidant who needs to do the work? I have tried for the past two years to communicate my needs to my DA partner in small, actionable and measurable steps. Sounds great in theory, but in practice I have observed the following: defense mechanisms kick off no matter how positively you try to provide feedback on things you need or don’t work for you - In his head me expressing my needs is seen as him “doing something wrong” or “not being good enough” because Im obviously lacking something/my needs are not being met. Even if we get pass the defensiveness stage, the second avoidant mechanism kicks in - He is too scared to let himself be influenced or stretch out of his comfort zone to meet my needs, because this is seen as him loosing himself in the relationship/not being himself anymore. On top of this, avoidants seem to be rather closed to the idea of any self-work or self-improvement, which makes it very challenging for them to change unhealthy behaviors and beliefs. Finding the right way to communicate is a fair point, but at the end it takes two and avoidant partners also need to own their part and put the work to drive the relationship to a more stable and healthy place.
Hey ... thank you for your dedication to this topic ... you've help me so much for the last 4 months of my 2 yr long marriage that was hanging on by a thread.
I’ve been with a DA for 6 years! When it’s good it’s amazing but when a miscommunication happens… I have to really work my way back in. Walking on egg shells can be exhausting. But he’s worth it. Just hope it works out.
I remember listening to a video of yours, how you were pretty much describing women with an anxious attachment style just as bad as you claim the avoidants are being talked about.
As a Fearful Avoidant, I do understand this mentality as I am also a big risk scanning person, but it is definitely on the security, but also emotional, side. I also don't want to invest unless I know there is a reciprocal return, but there has to be shown some sort of affection to believe the return is there. Like with love languages. I actually understand avoidant men and their base as I share some of that, but I am still a woman and desire some *desire* and articulation. I have worked hard to have empathy and understanding, it's just often avoidant men never see their role at all and have little incentive to open their own viewpoint to that compromising point. So, I get the comments where people say "not worth it, move on" AND I also get that these men are just so sensitive that their cocoon is just super thick. But there does need to be some meeting in the middle. Avoidants who see their need for healing have got to be super special people. To retain their honed skills for wheeling and dealing but also being open to love and true empathy is quite an evolved person. If this channel helps bridge those gaps, that would be wonderful.
Adam, i need to watch this video about 4 times... we had the biggest fight about "feelings". He had a really really big issue that i go on feelings. I am still trying to figure it out.
Can you do a video on fearful avoidant attachment? My husband I believe to be this. He struggles with all aspects of his life and has a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. He definitely appears to in midlife crisis. No motivation to improve his career and unable to function in relationships. He has also says he wants polyarmory as a lifestyle but doesn’t want a relationship in reality.
Temporary drama or just Like me and my male „bestie“ Complete devotion but nobody says the L-word Or often, when one is vulnerable the other leaves and vice versa and by the end everybody is alone.
I'm an avoidant woman who got into a relationship with two other avoidants men. One made me more anxious but 3 months of space wasn't enough during the summer. He would hangout out with me once a month and then dump me afterwards. I would get upset and then he would say that he wanted a chill girl. The second one I also saw once a month. I was the perfect girlfriend. I put no pressure on him and never got angry at him. We talked about marriage and he said only if he had the right to get other women pregant to he could max his seed potential. Me following all of the steps of being the perfect gf to an avoidant didn't work. He fell in love with the next girl who looked like a model but she thought he was so bad she choose to remain living in a war zone rather than move and live with him. I've watch other people date avoidants. I rarely ends well. I've seen all other attachments get better with t I me except DAs. They generally become worst with age until they hit a health crisis. They will use a girl as a crutch until they better and then dumps her.
I feel like you are sharing the story I am trying to understand these days… I am trying pretty hard yet consciously honest … you cannot lie to folks who feel everything. The best is that this grounds me in a healing way. I just wished it was less difficult
Adam. Do you have a video on how an anxious partner can get over past resentments in order to get to a place within the relationship so that they will FEEL like they WANT to make the change to learn how to communicate with him instead of feeling like it would be just another concession theyve had to make for the sake of the relationship? Cause what you said made sense and i can see its potential for working but my positivity and willingness to try keeps getting shut down by these creeping feelings of resentment that as the anxious partner im always having to give in, give up and cater to his avoidant deficiencies in order to keep the relationship in tact or keep him from leaving.
Thank you for wonderful work and great approach for explaining avoidant's point of view! There are so helpful videos on this channel I can't wait to watch them all :D I have a question: What will be the outcome of communicating in 'risk language' with secure person? Is it applicable even if it is secure attachment? I'm asking this because I'm not sure yet which attachment style has a guy I'm talking to (either secure or avoidant) I think he is avoidant because I used to be anxious. When conflict arises he prefers to distant himself until stop being mad, but when I get mad and ask him to talk, he stays and actually wants to talk. He said usually he doesn't express his feelings or open up to people, expecally when he has a problem, but he is not dismissing his emotions either.. When I ask him how does he feel he answers. A couple of times it seemed to me he was trying to manipulate and in the beginning he was love bombing, so I had a thought that maybe he is manipulative avoidant. He is also very jealous, but trying to keep it only when there is a 'reason' (me interacting with other males). What do you think this attachment style is? (We met 3 months ago) I just want to check if he is not manipulative avoidant and could be trusted. And in case he is manipulative, is there any way of suggesting changes without putting pressure? I hope there is a specific way to deal with this category because all over the Internet message is just 'if you see a narcissist RUN away'
I feel so stupid. Avoidant man here. My insides are telling me I love her dearly, but it feels too risky to tell her. Now I'm almost certain she thinks I don't, and I've spent a bunch of time trying to offset this risk I'm feeling (doing the opposite of this love feeling because im afraid to love her) to the point that I've broken her heart and now all I want to do is self-harm. Would love feedback if you've got it, sir. I had no idea how "out to lunch" I am 🙃
Hey! We don’t want someone to prove us right we just want to be less confused and understand what’s happening. In a way we are both trying to figure what’s happening. Unfortunately we are living in two different realities and can’t come together until we both learn how to communicate how we interpret the world and understand each other
Hi Adam, by far this is an exceptional channel highlighting the positives and DA. I am an FA and my DA highlights my anxious side more often. I wanted to know any info about how to text him? We aren’t an official couple but have been on and off for ten years. I know and I still love him. We wander get married date and then always come back.
It sounds like you're in a cyclical relationship with an avoidant partner. And you raise a valid question, but first, how do you approach conversations about the on-and-off nature of your relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam Thanks for the reply. He doesn't like to talk much on the phone unless its about business, so we often text but its hard to find a rhythm. Somedays I get good morning and good night messages and random pics. After our most recent blow up, where I felt really anxious I messaged him about it and have outlined my needs (increased communication, potential calling, and intimacy) and he actually phone me! It was hard for us to discuss the relationship but I appreciate that he tried. To make matters more complicated he was recently diagnosed with cancer so I know he has a lot on his plate. I really love him and try my best to support him especially with his health issues. Your channel by far has been impactful on my journey as I understand "post apocalyptic" style of his increased cortisol and dopamine. Many thanks !
@@AttachmentAdam I recently had a moment and broke down via text because I need some consistency in that world. Some days I get GM and GN messages and random pics others it's quiet. (sometime this is triggering for me). We usually text as he doesn't like to talk unless its about business. After watching these videos I ended up texting him and apologized for my irrational behavior. I also outlined my needs, more phone calls, seeing each other more often, and increased intimacy along with the reasons why which help him make a better risk assessment as in my perspective they are all a good investment for him. He was receptive and actually phoned me, we talked for an hour, but we didn't really discuss the text (but he did call and that was outline.) We are planning to meet up but yet again he wasn't concrete with setting the date so I am pulling back my emotions a bit and don't want to pressure him. He was also diagnosed with cancer so I do feel bad for him and don't want to bring him any additional stress...
Whew!! That's a relief...ive avoided..lol...all these "types" ...wish all the pyscholoD , & LCSW therapist I'd tried in 90's ! & in 2009 would have known these skills! ..(.except 1..she nailed place of origin issues , needed at the time)
Is it up to stable minds to have to cater to people that are mentally unstable? I personally don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to cater to your own mental health issues. This is why people attract those on the same level as they are mentally. Stable people see red flags/damage and run, damages people see red flags and find comfort and relatability. If we can’t fix ourselves we are only going to burden those we are in relationships with in our lives and exasperate the toxicity. Better to spend a lifetime alone and in a constant state of self improvement and reflection, rather than stagnation in a relationship.
Hello Adam! Thank you so much for making such informative videos! I love how you explain things and wanted to ask if theres a chance you could make a video on the 3 types of chemistry you mentioned? This rlly intrigued me and id love to learn more! Even more so if i could show it to an avoidant individual (: P.S. the way you worded the weekly check up and how to approach it to improve it at least one point just clicked so well and felt so approachable! Ty for this!! ❤
Every time I would ever try to talk about feelings it goes sideways because to him, feelings equals drama. I’ve learned to exchange the word thinking for feeling and it helped. Most of the time I just don’t get into those conversations. It’s just not worth him getting all worked up
As a man who is mildly avoidant i definitely agree with the risk analysis. For example if i feel like she is going to be clingy then i'm out. If i feel like she will respect my space then i'm in. Basically taking calculated risks
Some people may be introverted and that's how we recharge. It also gives us the space to self reflect, analyze things, and process our thoughts adequately.
Always when I listen to these videos I feel bad about myself, as if I am doing everything wrong while my avoidant love interest is running, ghosting, stonewalling, disappearing in mid-conversation...and I am not even allowed to say that this hurts me? F... that...
These videos are all based on understanding them better and learning how to deal with them if you care enough to do that. If you don't, nobody can blame you for cutting it off.
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story!
adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
No thank you. I don't want to learn! They are not worth my effort.
@@ruthr8990 I hear you!! Iam usually a very forgiving person, but with these people, mostly men in my world,it is very difficult to work with them and it is very one sided.
Defend the Avoidant man to the end. Maybe because you were. But demonize bpd. Those people, those are monsters. "Be Fair," dude.
I'm so stupid. I bombarded him with the L word a bunch of times last week and now he won't even respond to me. I told him I didn't expect him to say it back but I couldn't bear to hold in my feelings any longer. Loving an avoidant is so complicated and exhausting.
Completely understandable that you feel exhausted because this can be so hard and so complicated!!! You don’t deserve to be called stupid and I bet you would never say that to anyone else. Why do you say it to yourself? Was there a critical person in your past who is still with you in your thoughts? Have you thought about working on ridding yourself of this inner critic? You are absolutely worth it. ❤
@@SC-sh6uxThank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I'm going to try and shift the focus back onto myself to determine where this self-criticism stems from. This is the kind of deep inner work I need to be doing in order to heal, not worrying what he's thinking or doing 24/7.
I mean, a trauma response of starting a business isn't meaningful; if they're not a coward, why would they shut down not communicate out of the blue for weeks and months? If you don't want to be with somebody, just say that. if you have a problem, just say that it's extremely disheartening and difficult, especially if their partner is going out of their way to make sure that they're comfortable and anticipate their needs and to do everything humanly possible to for
You are not stupid. You have needs and feelings that are completely normal. He has a deficiency. You are totally worth telling him your feelings and having your needs met. Stay strong. These men are very hard to love.
Stop saying it. I stopped decades ago.
This man's videos has saved my marriage. I am the avoidant one . Deeply religious over achiever woman . My husband finally has the wife and marriage he wants.
I match my husband. I was secure. Now I am whatever I need to be.
That's amazing to hear! I'm thrilled that the videos have had such a positive impact on your marriage.
That is wonderful. We all feel grateful to you!
Um, but do you have the husband and marriage you want too? Or are your wants and needs not prioritized as much as his are? Just curious... Because how you worded it seems like that may be the case...
@@samanthanelson1333 I meet my needs. I have children, family and friends. My needs have never been prioritized. And, I am not super needy. So, I believe in self help. I help myself. I grieved the death of my ideal fantasy husband long ago. Thats the only reason I was able to stay thirty years. But, I wish that I had left before the children came.
You’re the first human I’ve ever heard speak my language. I didn’t even understand myself.
Wow I feel that
Having deep feelings for an avoidant guy has wrecked me completely. If I even sense a guy is avoidant I’m out.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been hurt so deeply. It’s completely understandable that after going through such a difficult experience with an avoidant partner, you’d feel protective of your emotions and want to avoid repeating that kind of pain. What steps have you taken to address the wounds formed from this experience?
I track risk too… and tolerating a grown man that can’t have a simple conversation without running away.. is a Huge Risk
Brilliant! 💯
🙌🏽
You are a foolish risk
Bye Felicia
Mic drop!!
I’m going to add some insights for you and your audience.
One of the definition of “risk” is: possibility of loss or injury.
The only way for a person to see everything as a “risk” is because they operate out of FEAR. When you operate with a fear-based consciousness, EVERYTHING is a RISK. People who do not operate out of fear, do not see everything as a risk, but rather an OPPORTUNITY. That’s the difference.
Furthermore, the reason why avoidant men very successful in business but fail in relationships because in businesses there is no need to deal with feelings and emotions. It’s all logical. Avoidant people live more in their head and ego. And they are weaker in processing emotions and feelings. They don’t do well with their emotions and feelings.
They can’t manage their own feelings and emotions, never mind their partners. This is why they avoid it.
Couple with the fact that their emotional intelligence is lower (not saying as a judgment; but as a fact.) These types of people are emotionally stunted.
That is why when you speak their language, it has to be all logical with little to no emotions and feelings.
These types of people need a lot of healing so they are more balanced with their mind and heart. They operate too much with their mind and little or zero with their emotions and feelings.
Good decisions are always balanced with both heart and mind.
And when it comes to seeing the world, it also needs to be viewed with heart and mind, not just with the mind. It is an inaccurate perspective.
🎉🎉
This is a literal example of the phrase “good relationships require work” 😃
Absolutely, relationships indeed require effort and commitment to thrive. 👍
This is soooo accurate,wow. A year and two months into my relationship with my avoidant and he has gone from stonewalling me on any conversation that had any kind of emotion attached to it, to now speaking my language, and it took me to do what youre explaining in this video, treat our relationship like a business , tell him my needs clearly succinctly without being emotional, showing him i'm not a risk that Im not gonna quit on us when we have issues, and he started putting his defenses down and he also started making a very deliberate effort to meet my needs. Thankyou for your channel, the knowledge and info you share is gold!
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's wonderful to hear how applying these principles has helped improve your relationship. I appreciate your love and support!
This is beautiful
I'm so glad it's worked. He explains it so well as
Im an avoidant and this would totally sooth my relationship.
Avoidant people are very hard workers in their jobs.. we provide because we avoid our needs to give the only way we know how. My parents worked their asses off for me, and maybe have been avoidant emotionally but I respect what they did .
We are giving , but don't want our giving to be mistreated, taken advantage of. We don't want to give love (it's hard enough) without knowing love won't come back.. at least in my relationship..
If you can help us remove the risk of finances, with being a team, understanding out needs. I think we are much more giving than alot of channels portray.
I couldn’t agree more. I am in the middle of learning and adjusting my approach with an avoidant style man. I am working hard at my anxious style. With my lead…having learned & grown & adjusted my approach…this wonderful man is opening. I feel so thankful and so loved. Thank you Adam!
I hear this and have interest, but when a man makes you believe he loves you and makes a vow to love you on his own and you give your heart, mind , body and soul to the marriage based on his vows to you and God and leaves you after he demeans you, gaslights you , talks bad about you for years to be the good guy to the kids and his peers...I think his avoidance is a spiritual issue between him and God
Oh my God! When you said the “well I’m still here” line. I spit out my coffee. That is my guy so much and to me (anxious) I’m like what the heck? That’s not love that’s tolerance.
yep. same.
I think it's good to see both sides of the coin, I also want to say to the ladies, if he walks away, LET HIM. MOVE ON. Don't look back and know that he will regret losing a high value woman who knows her worth.
I'm dating an avoidant man. I've watched so many of your videos! I've really enjoyed them.
But I'm at the point where this seems like a lot of work with very low "get back" so to speak! Where we need to have patience, and being put in a position where we are in a off set way "fixing" a grown man, what woman wants to put in all that work without knowing for sure things will change? Yep, good question, because you can't answer that!
It's draining, it's setting aside our boundaries & wants and putting his first or HE WILL RUN.
If you have any insight or tips, I'm all ears! Besides constantly doing what he wants or needs.....
@SunshineAndSnowflakesno no no, wait, this is blame shifting. The question topic starter asks is she dating _unhealthy_ (in your language) avoidant person - because obviously you can’t fulfil your own healthy emotional needs with avoidant’s behaviors. They are just not here for you when you need them. So there is zero TS’s guilt, from the question itself. They are willing to sacrifice and asking how long it is reasonable (usually as long as your resources last…) We _or_ stay and sacrifice _until_ that avoidant person _maybe_ heals, or they merely walk away. There is no option to respect your emotional needs during that period of time - it’s heavily shifted into the territory of secure person’s sacrificing.
(I’m saying secure, because it’s most likely option: as if it’s an anxious person in such situation, the suffering of retraumatising would be so tremendous this stage will not last long).
@SunshineAndSnowflakes in other words, it’s a _conscious choice_ to sacrifice into relationships with avoidant we are talking about here. Not about anyone letting go their needs/boundaries without understanding and conscious decision to see situation as is and still do it.
The whole problem is that avoidants see relationships from the wrong point of view. I'm also avoidant, but I've come to see relationships as a great source of self-awareness, self-improvement, and self-healing, and with this approach, I can take any risk in relationships and not lose. It is not possible to lose even if the relationship ends badly, because even the bad relationship gives me a lot, but only because I am able to accept it and use it for my growth in right way. I think it's incredibly important to teach this other avoidants - to change their perspective and approach to relationships.
Thank you for these insights. I appreciate hearing how you have benefited from self-reflection. 👍We all gain from our path of inner growth.
Yes, I agree.
I’m an avoidant woman…and this video and language makes 10000% sense to me.
Totally resonates and is super helpful for explaining to my partner what I need and how I view love and risk. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Would two avoidant partners be the best match?
What personality type does an avoidant want?
@@yeswing10I’m avoidant leaning but there are degrees of being avoidant. Some men are way too avoidant for my taste. I don’t like drama and being blamed for not being co dependent but avoidant men are the other extreme. They’ll run at the sight of even a perceived threat. I think they assume that because I’m a woman I’m going to be too demanding. But I let them run off because I don’t have the energy to chase and I’m watching too many issues from the guy. And if they do pursue me, I’m wondering why he’s being so aggressive. Maybe I’m the extreme one
can I ask you something? Should I text him after no contact? He is an avoidant and we were together for almost 5 years. I broke up with him 6 weeks ago and we are in no contact since then. I now understand him better with all ghe videos I watched. But should I text him first or should I wait?
@@TanjaMacyyythis is hard to answer. Not sure why you broke up…and 6 weeks is awhile with no contact. Here’s the deal, if I were you, I’d reach out if I loved this person. Life is too short. But I would be very careful next time about breaking up unless I really wanted to. Because the more you do this, the less he will trust you. I’d avoid breaking up completely unless you mean it. You can say you need some time alone or something. However 5 years is a long time. I’d reach out and it sounds like you want to
I'm glad the content resonated with you! Communication and understanding are essential in any relationship.🙌💯
I studied attachment theory last year through a school all summer and fall and NEVER learned what I have here In just a couple videos...Just WOW! I cried (anxious attacher) after another video you did and now am holding so much compassion towards my husband...game changer after 41 years of feeling so unloved, unheard, and unknown. I have real hope now..ty ty ty
I'm touched by your words. It's incredible to hear that the videos have brought you hope and a new perspective on your relationship after so many years.
He is into you if he's CONSISTENT.
No mixed signals.
Keep your spirit of discernment sharp, ladies!
lol.
He’s consistent and otherwise unclear…
However, he recently has started bringing up his fears.
No word yet on what that specifically means, but I’ve simply expressed to him that identifying fears is a big part of resolving them, and that I wouldn’t use them as weapons against him.
Anyway… it’s a great story.
It’s been worth sticking around for, wven though it hasn’t been super easy all the time.
Adam you are one of the few who GETS avoidant attachment. You give the most ACCURATE description of the attachment style
Thank you for your kind words! Understanding attachment styles is key to fostering healthy relationships. 💯
But also the worst advice on making it work with an avoidant. He puts all the work on the partner which I believe is not fair not to mention that it doesn't work.
Comparing my experiences with avoidant and secure partners, I can confidently say that being with a secure man is like night and day. No more walking on eggshells - it's simple, easy, and feels amazing to receive the affection and reassurance you deserve. Avoidant men need to prioritize self-improvement instead of relying on others to cater to their emotional needs. It's time we collectively stop enabling this behavior and encourage them to address their attachment issues. Let's empower ourselves and encourage healthier relationships for everyone involved by moving on from avoidant men that won't work on healing themselves.
Exactly. We need to stop babying these men and encourage them to be adults.
Yh the manipulative toxic scary ones of course
But the ones who go to therapy and need a friend, don’t let them die out there
Well said. This holds true for everyone no matter what label society uses. All humans are flawed. We’re meant to be whole not perfect. Learning and self awareness is part of the journey and we can only control and change ourselves - if we want. Compassion helps.
You better preach!! 💯
I have no issue catering to emotional needs, my issue is the expectation to be a mind reader and the “make me happy” mindset. I can’t read his mind, especially with no communication, try my best to push the right buttons blindly, and miss the mark. Then my efforts aren’t noticed because they aren’t the things he’s fixated on me fulfilling. It took our son saying, “Dad, you say Mom doesn’t care about you. I can point out 20 things she has done every single day of my entire life without fail to show she loves you.” That seemed to get through to him and he’s opened his eyes a bit to the love I sprinkle around to my people daily. Dude, you’re not a puppy that people will fawn over just because you exist. That puppy is just as excited to see you, loves you the way you are, and matches your energy. My husband walking through the door has been the highlight and big exhale of my day for 30 years and I have no clue why because that energy hasn’t been matched in 20 years. I’ll give him credit for making more of an effort since our son pointed out the obvious to him.
Sorry to ramble and make it about me here, still working through all this and finding my voice. 😣
OMG. This makes sense. Finally I think I have found his language. I have been saying for months we are speaking different languages
My dad ~ an avoidant. I was assigned to assist him (as 1 of 4 children). His gaze scared my friends into behaving. His big risks in business, creativity, and new frontiers drove my childhood to wondrous heights. He saw and heard Everything. My mom complained, "I can't Stand when he asks me why I do or want to do anything!"
......Wow....Now I get it ~ and how (a well-translated) life with an avoidant man is a True Adventure.
Thank you SO much for these illuminations.
But if he feels emotional when he feels attached that’s a problem because it increases his risk and fear. So it is deep rooted patterns that needs attention beside communication. It is in their subconscious. So it is great way of addressing it but still needs some inner work and constant awareness.
Yes, and first of all desire from their side to work on it. Many of them pretty much aware of their ways and patterns. They don’t see the reward big enough to work on change - instead of continue habitual coping strategies and defences. And
If there are no oxytocin receptors involved anyway, - is the reward indeed worth it for them?..
I found you yesterday and it was like a lightbulb moment! I hated watching the negatives that say walk away from avoiders… don’t all people deserve to be understood and you develop a way to make things work? You are the first positive view I’ve found! As a ‘fluffy unicorn’ it was like a lightbulb moment
That's fantastic to hear! I'm so glad my videos resonated with you and offered a more positive perspective on attachment styles. What aspects of my videos resonated most with you?
@@AttachmentAdam a lot of how I speak. I feel im giving choices to free up the stress of deciding, but to him it’s like an ultimatum which is a lot more threatening than freedom to choose. I didn’t realise he needed to trust me, I thought it was the other way round. But also that we are already along the journey to a better place as he already opens up and is affectionate. It’s made me feel honoured. I think I needed to keep constant and not panic, which I see now (things aren’t my fault, it’s the pasts fault helps) It’s nice to see these listed as it gives hope. I think like a psychologist and can look in from outside my relationship, with friends too, and we shouldn’t give up on people but find solutions ❤️ Thank you for being positive. Fluffy unicorns like positive lol
@AttachmentAdam Have you look into avoidants that won’t deal with things outside the relationship? We are growing but there are things out of my control outside the relationship that he needs to deal with and, other than me giving encouragement, I don’t know what else to do but it stopping us moving forward fully. Thank you
Thank you sooo much, this is exactly how things can work out... From being anxious, I’m now secure, and since I knew from the start we were ment to be together, I never quit on him, I stayed his best friend with so wonderful moments together... I feel that he finally trust in me, I want him no harm , there are so fewer risks for him... This is so accurate ❤
But are you together?
My avoidant man is definitely not a coward… he’s an adventurous super hero ❤i wish I could learn to overcome my anxious attachment and my insecurities so I can be his safe space and so I can give him freedom while feeling secure❤I hope he will open his heart and stop freezing me out. I feel like we can balance each other out and we both need each other. I hope I can make him happy and that he will happily fulfill my needs ❤ sending love to everyone else on here 🙏 hope you get the most loving secure romantic and safe relationship you deserve ❤
That is absolutely beautiful! You have a heart of gold. If you ever need guidance please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com -I'm here to help!❤
@@AttachmentAdam 🥰 thank you so much! I’m so happy I recently found your channel. You’ve been a huge help already. It’s a relief to hear someone be so perceptive and who totally gets it. Thank you for all the great advice 🙏
Sounds like the partner needs to also be emotionally unavailable for it to work. As long as I never bring up feelings, it’s all good. The second I ask if I’m making him happy, boom. Shut down. Don’t know if that’s emotional manipulation or emotional wound
Honest question: do you realise labeling a man 'emotionally unavailable' is aggressive?
The equivalent would be to label a woman 'sexually unavailable', 'she should have sex with me'.
You you need to earn his trust, and if he doesnt, his reasons are valid too.
Usually, a man does not open up because an anxious immature woman will create drama whenever the man shares something. (The 'trap' questions). Or uses it against him in the next fight.
And a symptom of immaturity is to never take responsibility for your own side, hence it's the man thats 'emotionally unavailable'.
Not saying this applies to you! I dont know you. Just wanted to give you this perspective.
Wow!!! This makes sooo much sense! We are both engineers, successful professionals- I do failure analysis (risk assessment) every day! I didn’t know this is how he is viewing a relationship with me. I can do this- I can change my communication with him to address and discuss risks in our connection, and what we want or don’t want. Thank you. I’m trying this starting today to help me connect in his game of life better so that we can both get through to the connection of love in a very safe space ❤
That sounds like a fantastic approach! Viewing your relationship through the lens of risk assessment can help you both communicate more effectively and address potential issues before they escalate.
Mind…blown! If I had this vocabulary in my toolkit years ago it might have saved my first marriage (to an avoidant project manager). In any case, it will help me in future and I’m grateful to have found your channel!
Omg!! I finally get my avoidant man after 40 years of relationship. New subscriber!
You got this! Welcome aboard!!
Sounds completely logical! It makes so much sense! I feel he's trying and he's all about improvement in all areas of life.
He might find it valuable to check out the new course I just released a few days ago. adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn more about it here and see if its a good fit and I would recommend watching it together and discussing the modules and exercises as you go.
@@AttachmentAdam Adam, you still use “fear of commitment” in this course description. Targeting anxious? Avoidants are traumatising experience for them…
I’m a woman in process of healing my disorganized attachment style and this makes sense to me where I’ve been feeling it’s high risk to express my needs and emotions to an avoidant man because it feels like he will shut down and leave if I do. So I’ve not been investing in avoidant men who haven’t started investing into their emotional literacy on their own.
Interesting concept to speak in terms of risk analysis!
thank you. I am very excited to try this and move our connection forward.
Hello Adam. Great video as always. Thank you!
Do you have another video explaining the 4 levels of trust and the 3 types of chemistry you mentioned in this video?
Not for nothing, as a FA leaning secure, imo, the biggest risk of life is being vulnerable with other people. Why is it that this isn’t the perspective of avoidant men? Being risk adept in business is measurable by profit and loss yes, but really risk adeptness in love is measurable by family, peace, partnership no? Regardless of attachment if you’ve been hurt by a parent, or former love of course you’ll be more cautious, but inflicting that pain on someone YOU engaged to get to know and be with by discarding them and not communicating with them is cruel and will keep you from the love you initially claimed to want. Make it make sense please because I’m a very concrete person and do not like reading into intention. You like me?, show it. You don’t?, say it and leave me alone. Period.
Because this guy has nothing but bullsh*t to sell. It is all crap. Putting it all on women to "fix" yet another immature man.
I’d love to see a response to this too :)
Correct. This needs to be addressed.
It’s a safety issue. Safety comes first instinctively and from the nervous system. Vulnerability is a risk. Vulnerability has not been safe in their experience. They aren’t t doing things to hurt people on purpose and they do feel deeply when they do end up hurting people. They get their peace the way they know how; by being alone and not getting hurt or hurting others because they don’t know another way. That’s not to excuse but to understand
I think you are absolutely correct. Why was my love interest on the dating site in the first place and telling me he was looking for a partner to stay with for the rest of his life? We both felt something when we met but what I got as a reaction was him running, stonewalling, ghosting, the whole program and according to this chap here I am not even allowed to express that this behaviour hurts me. I was a secure attacher until I met that man, his behaviour made me anxious and this expert guy here makes me feel that I was doing everything wrong. Better stay away from the avoidants in the first place.
You keep talking about someone finally understanding and them "almost crying"
I now know you are NOT fabricating that..... you just said
"Do you even live me?"
"I'm still here aren't I?"
I literally just dropped my head back, and looked at the sky, and got all choked up....
Omg....!!! The times that has come across... exact words... I'm just floored by this attachment theory thing. It is so spot on for both parties! I'm so excited that I found you and I'm excited to start working with you next week.
Wait did that conversation happen in this vid? I missed it. Does the avoidant partner say, "Well, I'm still here, aren't i? '
Im stillhere, aren't I.. that's something the avoidant answers?
Brilliant! No finger-pointing.
I will say that my situation is further complicated by war related PTSD; Vietnam vet. We've been together for 18 years, and I have made every single mistake with my approach.
Thank you for the insights and your channel!
I love how you act as a translator.... ❤
Finally makes PERFECT SENSE!!! … well done
Do more of this so the largest surface area is covered with THIS EXACTLY and Thank You !
The information offered much clarity about how to understand and communicate with avoidant men. They communicate love in a very different manner. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s so beautiful when understood.
I'm glad the information provided clarity for you! Understanding how avoidant men communicate love differently can indeed lead to beautiful connections.
Watching your videos and learning all of this, literally eased my anxiousness just because I now understand why he is the way he is.
“but I’m still here” man you got me… I finally feel like I can talk with my girl… thank you
Thank you for this video ☺️ The knowledge of different attachment styles and what they mean is more important than people really understand. Nobody really talks about it.
Thanks to this video, I understand now that our relationship would've been a risk he wasn't willing to take and that's it. As anxiously attached, I got more clearity now 😊
I hear him say all the time- it’s up to me.
Wow, totally brilliant! Thank-you so much for helping us ladies understand our men.
Happy to help! Would love to know what resonated or clicked the most.
Dope graphics. Whoever's doing them are winning. #1 ❤
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your feedback!
Thank you, glad someone thinks about the designers 🥲
I’m anxious he’s avoidant and I love him so much I’m trying my best to understand both sides and how we both feel and work…
Absolute brilliant. Makes sense when you explain it like this..
Thank you very much, Adam, for this instruction for use for a DA!! My DA broke up with me because I triggered his fear for control caused by the way I asked him for a clarification. At that time I didn't know that he is a DA. His answer was that he disliked my investigation behaviour and broke up, that happened 6 weeks ago. I started NC immediately. I still do love him and really hope that he will recontact me and we'll get a chance to restart a relationship because I'll follow your instructions for use !! Thank you Adam! Greetings from France
Taking business risks is a lot different than taking relationship risks or what I would call emotional risks. Emotional vulnerability is definitely an issue here. Whether it’s an avoidant man or woman. My question is how do you encourage them to try to push a little bit outside of their comfort zone and meet the emotional needs of their partners who are not avoidant?
Yes, what is growth (any growth) without going outside of your comfort zone? We might consider changing the 'ask' from expressing emotional "vulnerability" to having emotional "courage". (Time to man-up!), whether man or woman (as you said). The other issue is both the avoidant and their non-avoidant partner are in danger of remaining emotionally stunted and not developing fully with these patterns. No one is being challenged to grow emotionally.
You are blowing my mind here. I do cost benefit risk calculations for everything. Never considered i was avoidant attachment
I don’t want an intimate relationship with my avoidant, though I’ll be a friend to him. He is unable to support me emotionally. I am unable to share the most basic need for support. I just got a cancer scare, he had no idea how to be comforting or caring. I can forgive a friend, but that is not boyfriend or husband material. I have never confronted him (he would have just walked away like he does, and detached), never belittled him or pressured him to change. I care about him as a friend. I know he’s wounded, but that’s not my job to try to fix, talk about high “risk”. I hope he finds someone that fits and is willing do “business” with him.
Yeah, we are going to need a version of this but for our avoidant women out there (and the men trying to learn how to communicate with them).
Such valuable and knowledgeable info. Wish it was also available in Spanish to share it with my family. ❤ Gob bless you ALWAYS 🙏🏼
I was married to one for 35 years till he passed. I would never get involved again with one. It’s draining it’s like having a man child.
I've never seen in all of my practice these kinds of men actually change in the long run they always keep reverting to being robotic and cold
I'm sure living with u wasn't fun either
@@whynot1548 That's rude.
Adam ...you are truly amazing. Everything you say is so clear and absolutely priceless. I feel with this knowledge that I can build a good relationship with my avoidant man. It s not complicated, it s logical and your strategy is so intelligent and definitely do-able. I wish you all the best and will be eternally greatful. I ll see how things progress and then will consider private coaching as my situation does have a particular unique complication which you will find quite interesting and possibly even a challenge. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the information has been helpful for you. I'm here to support you along your journey, and you can check out my new How to Love an Avoidant Man Course for more guidance. adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
THE AVOIDANT WHISPERER ❤❤❤❤
I like your style. I see this from a whole new perspective now and it's good. Your focus is on men, but what about women that are avoiidant? I would like to hear your advice for a middle aged fearful avoiidant woman trying to date 🥴
Assessment risks is a reflection of fear. If there is no fear there is no need to assess risks😅
I was thinking exactly that.
@@sherryprevatt dating a DA is like having sex with someone who has ED😂just when you are warmed up his rocket failed
It might also simply be a logical approach for someone that clearly sees the possibility of being hurt without actually being afraid. And, I believe there might also be a side of not wanting to feel strong emotions like fear therefore using risk makes them less defensive to the topic since it is about them and they are avoidant .. 😅 I don't know you tell me
The fear is subconscious so they aren’t aware of it
@@ASa-lq5itwhat is being hurt in this situation, though?.. It hurts if stakes are high.
Wow, this is great!!
So much understanding represented here and it brings hope! Thank you Adam!!
Glad it was helpful! Was there a specific part that stood out to you?
@AttachmentAdam Hi,
The "3 parts" :
1. 4 levels of trust
2. 3 types of real intimacy
3. understanding emotional intimacy
These sound so necessary!
I also like your various examples of how to say things so he can relate!
Also, helping us to realize how things sound to an avoidant person and why...how he became avoidant. I think I have become that way too, bc much of what you describe of how they think makes sense to me too! For example, I have become so much more distrusting and guarded bc of so much hurt, disappointment and betrayal over the years.
I work hard not to become bitter, to forgive . I have been able to begin to see what part I played in ot all, too.
Adam, I respect your advice and I think you raise accurate points about avoidant men. As an anxious attachment, I did my absolute best to use this approach on my bf, and he immediately got defensive and invalidated what I brought up. Asking, did you go outside? Changing the subject. I even said it’s okay if this is uncomfortable for you, but I think this will try to help us. He took it still as a beratement of his character. Our conversation eventually erupted into 2 hours of arguing and ugliness. There is so much to resolve, im not sure how to go from here besides pushing my feelings under the rug and settling? Seems to be the only option
This sounds so hard. Am a psychosocial Counselor n a TH-camr. I help people who come to me on different topics. I found attachment styles interesting n thought I could learn n help others but EISH! It sounds like am dealing with a Robot. I have guided those who can get online to this Chanel but feel like I will just confuse those that cant. It's why I asked you for guidance through role playing. Watching you from Africa. Zambia Southern Africa.
Blessings ❤
Would your please make that PowerPoint presentation for us?
And if you could please make a PowerPoint for avoidant men on how to be kind and loving to their women that would be great too.
That's great! thank you so much!🙏🙏❤
My experience with a DA is that they calculate risk until they suddenly don’t. Then they do HUGE knee-jerk risks that puts everything they worked so hard on in jeopardy when emotions bubble up. I’m a recovering FA that is mostly SA at this point. During the height of being FA I calculated risk to a fault, but didn’t fly off the handle. My DA has been so unpredictable and I never knew when he was going to smash through everything we built like the Kool-Aid man, stepping on his own toes (to use a nicer term) in the process. Then I stand there shellshocked while he looks at me like “What’s your problem?”
Thanks for providing insights into this topic, however I can’t help but wonder why someone needs to jump through all sorts of hoops when it is actually the avoidant who needs to do the work? I have tried for the past two years to communicate my needs to my DA partner in small, actionable and measurable steps. Sounds great in theory, but in practice I have observed the following: defense mechanisms kick off no matter how positively you try to provide feedback on things you need or don’t work for you - In his head me expressing my needs is seen as him “doing something wrong” or “not being good enough” because Im obviously lacking something/my needs are not being met. Even if we get pass the defensiveness stage, the second avoidant mechanism kicks in - He is too scared to let himself be influenced or stretch out of his comfort zone to meet my needs, because this is seen as him loosing himself in the relationship/not being himself anymore. On top of this, avoidants seem to be rather closed to the idea of any self-work or self-improvement, which makes it very challenging for them to change unhealthy behaviors and beliefs. Finding the right way to communicate is a fair point, but at the end it takes two and avoidant partners also need to own their part and put the work to drive the relationship to a more stable and healthy place.
This is so challenging because when we do succeed with him it's harder to go into logic
Interesting, thank you... Will keep this in mind when communicating with people who seems avoidant
Wonderful! I'm glad it was helpful!
Hey ... thank you for your dedication to this topic ... you've help me so much for the last 4 months of my 2 yr long marriage that was hanging on by a thread.
I’ve been with a DA for 6 years! When it’s good it’s amazing but when a miscommunication happens… I have to really work my way back in. Walking on egg shells can be exhausting. But he’s worth it. Just hope it works out.
Thank you so much, I feel better equipped and confident to take on these conversations now
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more equipped and confident! If you ever need further guidance or support, feel free to reach out.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏Just Thank you
I'm here for the journey and yeah he's right on
Appreciate that! Which part of this stood out the most to you?
I remember listening to a video of yours, how you were pretty much describing women with an anxious attachment style just as bad as you claim the avoidants are being talked about.
Really?
As a Fearful Avoidant, I do understand this mentality as I am also a big risk scanning person, but it is definitely on the security, but also emotional, side. I also don't want to invest unless I know there is a reciprocal return, but there has to be shown some sort of affection to believe the return is there. Like with love languages. I actually understand avoidant men and their base as I share some of that, but I am still a woman and desire some *desire* and articulation. I have worked hard to have empathy and understanding, it's just often avoidant men never see their role at all and have little incentive to open their own viewpoint to that compromising point.
So, I get the comments where people say "not worth it, move on" AND I also get that these men are just so sensitive that their cocoon is just super thick. But there does need to be some meeting in the middle. Avoidants who see their need for healing have got to be super special people. To retain their honed skills for wheeling and dealing but also being open to love and true empathy is quite an evolved person. If this channel helps bridge those gaps, that would be wonderful.
Wow, this is great ~ it brings so much understanding and helps to see where they are coming from! Thank you!
You are so welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful!
@@AttachmentAdamThank you!
Thank you so much for this information. I had no idea.
Glad it was helpful!
These videos are very insightful.
Happy to hear that! Was there a specific part that stood out to you in this video?
Adam, i need to watch this video about 4 times... we had the biggest fight about "feelings". He had a really really big issue that i go on feelings. I am still trying to figure it out.
Mind blowing 🤯
Great coaching again, thanks 😊🙏
Happy to hear it was helpful! 👍😊
Can you do a video on fearful avoidant attachment? My husband I believe to be this. He struggles with all aspects of his life and has a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. He definitely appears to in midlife crisis. No motivation to improve his career and unable to function in relationships. He has also says he wants polyarmory as a lifestyle but doesn’t want a relationship in reality.
Would luv a vid with 2 avoidants together scenario.
Yes, I was just asking that.
What personality type does an avoidant want that will work harmoniously
It’s called a one night stand.
Temporary drama or just
Like me and my male „bestie“
Complete devotion but nobody says the L-word
Or often, when one is vulnerable the other leaves and vice versa and by the end everybody is alone.
@@FoodFreedomUSA LOL!
I'm an avoidant woman who got into a relationship with two other avoidants men. One made me more anxious but 3 months of space wasn't enough during the summer. He would hangout out with me once a month and then dump me afterwards. I would get upset and then he would say that he wanted a chill girl. The second one I also saw once a month. I was the perfect girlfriend. I put no pressure on him and never got angry at him. We talked about marriage and he said only if he had the right to get other women pregant to he could max his seed potential. Me following all of the steps of being the perfect gf to an avoidant didn't work. He fell in love with the next girl who looked like a model but she thought he was so bad she choose to remain living in a war zone rather than move and live with him. I've watch other people date avoidants. I rarely ends well. I've seen all other attachments get better with t I me except DAs. They generally become worst with age until they hit a health crisis. They will use a girl as a crutch until they better and then dumps her.
I feel like you are sharing the story I am trying to understand these days… I am trying pretty hard yet consciously honest … you cannot lie to folks who feel everything. The best is that this grounds me in a healing way. I just wished it was less difficult
Adam. Do you have a video on how an anxious partner can get over past resentments in order to get to a place within the relationship so that they will FEEL like they WANT to make the change to learn how to communicate with him instead of feeling like it would be just another concession theyve had to make for the sake of the relationship? Cause what you said made sense and i can see its potential for working but my positivity and willingness to try keeps getting shut down by these creeping feelings of resentment that as the anxious partner im always having to give in, give up and cater to his avoidant deficiencies in order to keep the relationship in tact or keep him from leaving.
Thank you for wonderful work and great approach for explaining avoidant's point of view! There are so helpful videos on this channel I can't wait to watch them all :D
I have a question: What will be the outcome of communicating in 'risk language' with secure person? Is it applicable even if it is secure attachment?
I'm asking this because I'm not sure yet which attachment style has a guy I'm talking to (either secure or avoidant)
I think he is avoidant because I used to be anxious. When conflict arises he prefers to distant himself until stop being mad, but when I get mad and ask him to talk, he stays and actually wants to talk. He said usually he doesn't express his feelings or open up to people, expecally when he has a problem, but he is not dismissing his emotions either.. When I ask him how does he feel he answers. A couple of times it seemed to me he was trying to manipulate and in the beginning he was love bombing, so I had a thought that maybe he is manipulative avoidant. He is also very jealous, but trying to keep it only when there is a 'reason' (me interacting with other males). What do you think this attachment style is? (We met 3 months ago)
I just want to check if he is not manipulative avoidant and could be trusted. And in case he is manipulative, is there any way of suggesting changes without putting pressure? I hope there is a specific way to deal with this category because all over the Internet message is just 'if you see a narcissist RUN away'
I feel so stupid. Avoidant man here. My insides are telling me I love her dearly, but it feels too risky to tell her. Now I'm almost certain she thinks I don't, and I've spent a bunch of time trying to offset this risk I'm feeling (doing the opposite of this love feeling because im afraid to love her) to the point that I've broken her heart and now all I want to do is self-harm. Would love feedback if you've got it, sir. I had no idea how "out to lunch" I am 🙃
This is too bad... As a close colleague of his I think I will never be worth the social risks...
Thank you for the insight anyway)
I did think about exactly this recently.
Hey! We don’t want someone to prove us right we just want to be less confused and understand what’s happening. In a way we are both trying to figure what’s happening. Unfortunately we are living in two different realities and can’t come together until we both learn how to communicate how we interpret the world and understand each other
You're totally right!, and comminution is the key to that! finding the right concepts and language of communication is essential to that!
Hi Adam, by far this is an exceptional channel highlighting the positives and DA. I am an FA and my DA highlights my anxious side more often. I wanted to know any info about how to text him? We aren’t an official couple but have been on and off for ten years. I know and I still love him. We wander get married date and then always come back.
It sounds like you're in a cyclical relationship with an avoidant partner. And you raise a valid question, but first, how do you approach conversations about the on-and-off nature of your relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam Thanks for the reply. He doesn't like to talk much on the phone unless its about business, so we often text but its hard to find a rhythm. Somedays I get good morning and good night messages and random pics. After our most recent blow up, where I felt really anxious I messaged him about it and have outlined my needs (increased communication, potential calling, and intimacy) and he actually phone me! It was hard for us to discuss the relationship but I appreciate that he tried. To make matters more complicated he was recently diagnosed with cancer so I know he has a lot on his plate. I really love him and try my best to support him especially with his health issues. Your channel by far has been impactful on my journey as I understand "post apocalyptic" style of his increased cortisol and dopamine. Many thanks !
@@AttachmentAdam I recently had a moment and broke down via text because I need some consistency in that world. Some days I get GM and GN messages and random pics others it's quiet. (sometime this is triggering for me). We usually text as he doesn't like to talk unless its about business. After watching these videos I ended up texting him and apologized for my irrational behavior. I also outlined my needs, more phone calls, seeing each other more often, and increased intimacy along with the reasons why which help him make a better risk assessment as in my perspective they are all a good investment for him. He was receptive and actually phoned me, we talked for an hour, but we didn't really discuss the text (but he did call and that was outline.) We are planning to meet up but yet again he wasn't concrete with setting the date so I am pulling back my emotions a bit and don't want to pressure him. He was also diagnosed with cancer so I do feel bad for him and don't want to bring him any additional stress...
Always running risk avoidance, ALWAYS! Its so exhausting 🥵
NARCCICTS!! MOST OF THEMM!
Life is full of risks … It’s impossible to live/be with the person who avoids reasonable or
Worthy risks.
Whew!! That's a relief...ive avoided..lol...all these "types" ...wish all the pyscholoD , & LCSW therapist I'd
tried in 90's ! & in 2009 would have known these skills! ..(.except 1..she nailed place of origin issues , needed at the time)
Adam you’re looking good , best wishes to you and your family
Thank you for your kind words. Bless you!
Is it up to stable minds to have to cater to people that are mentally unstable?
I personally don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to cater to your own mental health issues. This is why people attract those on the same level as they are mentally. Stable people see red flags/damage and run, damages people see red flags and find comfort and relatability.
If we can’t fix ourselves we are only going to burden those we are in relationships with in our lives and exasperate the toxicity.
Better to spend a lifetime alone and in a constant state of self improvement and reflection, rather than stagnation in a relationship.
Basically don’t just come to him with your problems, give him the solution at the same time.
My guy! Thank you!
Hello Adam! Thank you so much for making such informative videos!
I love how you explain things and wanted to ask if theres a chance you could make a video on the 3 types of chemistry you mentioned? This rlly intrigued me and id love to learn more! Even more so if i could show it to an avoidant individual (:
P.S. the way you worded the weekly check up and how to approach it to improve it at least one point just clicked so well and felt so approachable! Ty for this!! ❤
Yes, absolutely. That's a great suggestion. I'm thrilled to hear that you found this helpful! ❤
Great video Adam! Learned a lot!
Glad to hear that! 😊
Every time I would ever try to talk about feelings it goes sideways because to him, feelings equals drama. I’ve learned to exchange the word thinking for feeling and it helped. Most of the time I just don’t get into those conversations. It’s just not worth him getting all worked up
As a man who is mildly avoidant i definitely agree with the risk analysis. For example if i feel like she is going to be clingy then i'm out. If i feel like she will respect my space then i'm in. Basically taking calculated risks
If you are constantly needing your space in a relationship why do you need to be in the relationship?
Some people may be introverted and that's how we recharge. It also gives us the space to self reflect, analyze things, and process our thoughts adequately.
Always when I listen to these videos I feel bad about myself, as if I am doing everything wrong while my avoidant love interest is running, ghosting, stonewalling, disappearing in mid-conversation...and I am not even allowed to say that this hurts me? F... that...
These videos are all based on understanding them better and learning how to deal with them if you care enough to do that.
If you don't, nobody can blame you for cutting it off.