This video is so refreshing. I’ve been trying to distract myself after my breakup it’s still so fresh. We were together for seven years, and he ended things out of nowhere. I can’t stop thinking about him. I still feel like he’s the only one for me.
I completely understand. I felt the same way. I ended up reaching out to Father Akabu who was recommended by a friend , a spiritual guide who specializes in restoring relationships. He made all the difference for me, he brought my partner back
It sounds like the avoidant runs because they're projecting their fears/insecurities onto us. So they're basically just running from themselves. This is a lose-lose situation. Personally, I gave up. I gave up on my husband (an avoidant) and our marriage. Only then did he stop running and start showing up.... I agree with the first thing you said: don't pursue the avoidant; if you lose them, you lose them. At least you didn't lose yourself.
@@ShopNewGho literally. And the anxious wants connection, albeit abit too much. That's why you can make it work with an anxious, because they WANT it to work. Connection and emotional intimacy is the lifeblood of relationships. Avoidants fear that, how the heck can you build a relationship with someone who fears the very thing a relationship provides ?
@@writer1986 It's a cruel subconscious trap in both what they are doing to you and to themselves. It's really twisted. Be kind but also be kind to yourself if you need to get out. They need therapy not a relationship.
Absolutely, and the anxious one as well, running from self-responsibility and in the end we are just different sides of the same coin. Both need to find a balance within, but it’s long and painful process.
Unfortunately after 25 it gets down to being able to calculate how much time that is being “wasted”. If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week. Come on now. You’re wasting months and years you could have been having a real relationship and connection with someone. The audacity to think someone should sit around and wait on you because they love you is absurd at this point.
"If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week." Insanely, painfully accurate.
Gosh this is a good point. I had enough of waiting for him to be available from work and responsibilities.. and my time was waisted let alone the suffering of not seeing him I had to let him go. Painful lesson but I learned so much from this lesson.
I let him come back. It works. The truth is they will definitely come back after a few months but the reality is they show up the exact same way as u left them! They will come back with the same half assed energy as they always had. They will always keep you at arms length you will never hear words of confirmation and if you want to be with somebody like that, you have to accept that you’re gonna get crumbs from a person like that so you have to make the assessment of, do you want to be in a relationship where you feel like you’re enduring 90% of the time and coping 90% of the time? I didn’t.
Hey, thanks for sharing that. I hear you loud and clear that you want a partner who puts in more effort and makes you feel secure. Have you thought about what kind of communication might help get your needs met in the relationship?
You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't. Only solution is to become secure, call them out, set boundaries. If they aren't willing to put in the work, leave. What they are doing, including stonewalling, silent treatment etc. is all emotional abuse.
Adam, you are so right. I love an avoidant man and over two years he was hot and cold long distance, and it was difficult for my anxious attachment style. But he helped me become secure within myself by learning to relax, give him time and room to feel safe with me. And now he is actively working on moving closer to me to build a life together. I learned so much from my avoidant in my life and ready to keep working on self regulation to become more secure
Yes! Same thing happened with me! I was insanely anxious with an avoidant- which I knew nothing about at the time. HE’S the one who calmed me… he was so kind and caring about it. He didn’t shame me or cut me off! And because of it, I began researching about relationships and came across Adam’s channel. It’s been several months of me just soaking it all in and I couldn’t be happier in life and with him because of it!
Can you share how did you "prevent" him from seeking new attention from new people after about 7months to a year? Because I also hear stories about some guys after you become secure and give him time and space, and by the end he didn't respect or cherish your love but turn away and seek for new lovers.
@waterlilynymph thank you for sharing. Can you shae some things you did? What's the longest time he disappeared? This is an ongoing cycle, I try not to chase but some times I know I'm intense.
Ladies do yourself a favor. Stop chasing avoidant men. Let them do the hard work to heal and let them show you they are trying to change. Otherwise stop wasting your time. Months or years can go by you will never get back.
@@christinefoltz1055 I speak from experience as a secure attached man had a very challenging relationship with an fearful avoidant woman. She sort of pursued me in the beginning. DMing . Asking me why I was still single, and when she met me she thought I was a catch. Lots of love bombing which I never experienced in my life from a woman. But then when things got close and intimate. Left without an adult conversation, just a text. It's unfortunate and cold , but that's how some avoidants function. They can still love and adore you, but their core wound fears will overwhelm their feelings. They need to do the work to heal before they are ready for a healthy relationship.
Yes, they have to wanna work on themselves and see if there is something that they need to change most don’t I was with him for five years. I need to deflected everything that he did wrong onto me that I caused him to be this way and use the word force quit “forcing me”. Never understood it till now as I should’ve left four years ago, wasn’t trying to force anything on him very dissociated!
Agree He felt stressed by my expectations and standards , normal and healthy ones like respect ! He wanted to be a flake without any protest He wanted it all on His terms He created the stress not Me I only wanted what most Woman would want I gave Him space , I was as patient as I could be But I wasn’t being respected or valued I won’t accept that
Your best best is to find an older man who has done the work and healing. I myself am an FA man and my wife is a AP attachment style. We are young we have been married for less than a year. But working on this stuff together and understanding how each of us work and then consciously working towards shared goals resulted in a lot of vasopressin bonding between us and we have an amazing relationship. She tells me that "living with you is like being in a fairy tale" Our friends and family see us as the idea power couple. But I explain to them we don't have normal attachment styles and it requires constant work and communication. My wife understands how I think and communicate and so she does her best to work with me that way, in a way I can understand. Not all FA men are jerks. We just have been through so much trauma that we had to become this way to survive. Ofcourse, trauma is no excuse not to work on oneself. Finding ppl who are committed to working on INTEGRATION of FRAGMENTED parts of themselves is a rare thing. Typically they are older, from what i can tell. Working on my issues and traumas and integrating fragmented parts of myself was the best thing I've ever done. I used a book called King, Warrior, Magician, Lover to help me in my journey. Another good book for healthy masculinity is Man Of Steel and Velvet. Also Robert Blys book called Iron John. Masculinity is learned. We don't have good teachers so we have a society of uninitiated boys masquerading as men. I will admit I still have personal work and healing to do but I've come a very very long way and all my friends and family agree I've become the best version of myself thus far. I do my best to teach younger men and boys in my family how to be and exhibit healthy masculinity. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity. We need more healthy masculinity. OK that's my two cents. Good luck! Wishing you the best and true love!
Avoidant people are just so not worth your time. Was in a relationship with one, totally emotionally drained and destroyed me. My advice: find someone who will fight for you like you fight for him, and let avoidants run away from life forever.
It sounds like you went through a very painful experience with an avoidant partner, and it's completely understandable to feel drained and angry. I agree that finding someone who is willing to fight for the relationship is important. What are some other qualities you'd like to see in a future partner?
@@J23-n9d I lived it. No one is demonizing anyone. If you want something then no one has to try to figure out how to get you to take it. You figure it out yourself.
I've been married to one for 28 years. Separated twice. This second separation has been 6 years long. Poke me with a fork, I'm done. I'm working on hiring a lawyer to end this exhausting relationship. Kids are raised. House almost paid off and I still have no idea what his plan is for our relationship. We definitely are not on the same page, though. I can't imagine living with him in the same house...and I'm tired.b
@@terrimartinez6547what a sobering comment 😵💫 I’m getting away from my boyfriend if 2 years now!! I’m 36 years old and don’t want to end up 50 and still wondering if he likes me
I'm 25 and even at this age I'm already so sick and tired of searching some other person's childhood trauma's for them just to get a little bit warm feeling of being loved. I shouldn't have to work that hard for something so simple. I'm literally feeling sick omg
@joed4066 yes! When you are alone you know what to expect and there's no roller coaster. When you feel alone with someone, you have no idea what to expect and it can lead to disappointment. At least if I disappoint myself I can course correct. I'm not trying to manage anyone else's course as that also leads to disappointment. 😞
Agree. No conversation. Go where he wants to go. His music in the car. Doesn't hold my hand or initiate a kiss. I'd rather be alone.... Peace instead of uncertainty of wondering why he is with me in the first place.... Jesus said, Let the dead bury the dead.
Agreed… because if you’re in a relationship with an avoidant, you are dreaming of all the hypotheticals with a real person who “loves you”.. but you feel alone sitting next to this person on the couch.. like you have to pressure them into agreeing these are awesome things that would boost the relationship.. all the “normal” stuff is miserable and needs to be at their pace only. That’s extremely difficult to cope with when you know you *need* some outward commitment..
He has so many good points about how their avoidant attachment came about in the first place. My own notes to self: 1. Work on own codependency to manage abandonment triggers and get secure attachment. So much hotter than the alternative 2. Don’t create perceived or real pressure (being critical and pushy) 3. Get a life and leave them alone, let them come around- stop chasing. No smother mothering behavior 4. If they don’t come around…. Have enough self esteem to start moving on at which point you guys can do the dance all over again because you’ll have lost interest in them and moved in with someone which takes all the pressure off of person A which makes you more attractive
@SunshineAndSnowflakes not usually though, they usually are too immature ( not able to receive love/project onto others) to retain someone with secure attachment, especially if they refuse ownership
What to do when the avoidant texts after two or three days? Should I take the same amount of time to reply? Or should I reply after only some hours? Would that be considered chasing?
I think you should only stick with an avoidant if you REALLY feel like it's worth the trouble (torture !!!) and really believe in the person's potential to heal and then make you happy/satisfy your needs.
What makes it feel that way? I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com to discuss this in more detail. I'd be happy to share more strategies and resources with you.
It absolutely is like being tortured! 100% I say that at least 8 times a day! Lol These people cause so much pain. Even when they seem (or pretend) like they're not trying to. Every thing that comes out of their mouth is so aloof & nonchalant. And even when their words are sweet, their actions are usually atrocious or just selfish really. Like they could care less how you feel, or how they're making you feel. Smfh Yeah, I'm in the middle of this right now, as well. Have been for a very long time, in fact! And I don't even know why I hold on. Wishing for that "magic day" where she finally realizes, and it all turns around, I guess? 😅 Yeah right.... I know. They're simply self absorbed from what I can tell. And it makes me sick, in all honesty. Idk why we love who we love? 🤷🏻♂️ But it seems like a terrible system to me. Best of luck to you, with yours! 🙂👍🏻
Never chased anybody. Still he disappeared for days in the beginning. I said i was sick of it and that was it. Bumped into a few times but not a word from this person. I dont really care about other's trauma. Cant be bother. Not a mother, not a psycho, just a woman. period. I am so happy to be myself.
well sometimes it's not just the trauma, most probably the feelings were not enough too... from both sides. Which is ok. Otherwise that wouldn't have been the end! (Trust me, you surely have some type of trauma too, and you would want the one to be in relationship with, to care about it! Otherwise it's not love we are talking about, if you can't care about the burden of the person you supposedly want to be with)
I totally get it. In this imperfect world we all go through so much. There is help available for everyone who wants it. I’ll go get mine, you go get yours. Relationship is like a job. Get qualifications. Don’t apply if you are not qualified. You must do inservice to remain qualified. And why is it being nice to someone you love, helping when needed considered unhealthy anxious attachment? God tells us to be kind to our enemies. Certainly, I will be kind to my spouse.
I love an avoidant one and totally 💯 understand the core reasons for his traumatic response for any intimacy and relationships… The problem with giving all the space and time and understanding etc etc is that it never teaches them that there’s also another’s person needs and wounds and emotions. And that love demands trust and vulnerability but on terms of both parts. Not only that we become his space giver therapy to continue the loop of avoidance. But still they are so lovable ❤ And yes, the only thing that works is to heal our own anxiety and become securely attached and walk away with gratitude and appreciation for the lessons.
I’ve been letting him come to me for three years at his convenience because I know he panics after intimacy. We broke up for four months because I asked for a commitment and he said he loves me and is crazy attracted to me but doesn’t feel enough to take it to the next level. Then he came back and he came to visit me seven hours away, we had a beautiful few days together … and now it’s been silence for a week. It used to hurt me and I think I’m just desensitized now and my feelings have sort of shut off. I’ve always called him my feral cat. That’s exactly how I have to approach him. But I’m at the point where I don’t want to enable him anymore so I encouraged him to get into trauma and or twelve step therapy. He said he wants to change but is terrified about what that entails. I have to just leave him to do what he’s gonna do and take care of me.
@@innan.599 it’s crazy how common it is. Ugh I’m sorry. I just finally texted him yesterday saying I have to pull away because I’m lowering my standards and enabling him by accepting this hot and cold behavior.
Adam, you are a big help. Probably because you have an inside lane. I noticed a pic on your desk of "The Man!" who was brought before the crowd. I recognize the pic from the magazine. Are you one of us? I think.. I was bonded to the man I love. The second time he left, I gave him a dose of his own medicine. He came back, shocked.. that I left him. No.. I told him what's wrong. He has taken time and happily is settling down. Now we talk heart to heart. He's learning slowly to trust. I pray a lot!
how did you navigate that? Did you just cut him off? Did you tell him you were cutting him off? am interested to understand this, I tried telling my guy I was gone and he didnt seem to care
I left 2+ years ago when I caught him emotionally cheating for a 3rd time. His body & mind is toxic, he made himself impotent from unhealthy choices. He still gives me silent treatment. I’m happy with work so I have my own money. Men who don’t do inner work I have no energy or time for.
@@victoriathompson2246 I learned from my own experience, with an avoidant, how much worse emotional cheating actually is. It was awful, and he could not understand why I was so upset about it.
@@arankagionetti2098 He is an alcoholic who drunks daily, eats carbs and sugars so he is overweight causing type 2 diabetes and hypertension, does not exercise and uses stolen opioid drugs. Also known as self sabotage.
Adam this speaks to me. I am an anxious person love an avoidant. At first we were in tune each other, however as things go by, I could feel he slowly pull away and triggered my anxious wounds. We broke up but still keep in touch to these days and without realizing we both are learning each other's attachment style along the way. I have watched many videos of how to handle avoidant patterns but most of them seemed like had me hate those with attachment style which is hard for me to follow. Your insight is an eye opener for me, to be more respectful and understood their emotional state. They have wounds, too. It was something I did not realize, instead I kept judging them being mean, heartless and not caring. This encourages me to be more curious to a good avoidant's needs, understanding his fears and not making all about me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
I'd rather inspire somebody - and somebody else! Not avoiding me. I'd rather fall in love with my own life and naturally attract people who want to share it. I also want to show him respect. If he's running the other way, best way I can support him is to let him go, to take the hint and scram. To respect his space. And give him plenty. It's not personal. It's not against me. It's just for him to feel secure in his own safety. No chuff.
You have to regulate your emotions. I’m dealing with an avoidant man and he’s watched because I’m cool calm and NEVER CHASE! You have to relax and let go of control. It works for me.
@@RaeBaeLove but what's the difference between not chasing and just giving him space and being at his beck and call as it pleases him? The video didn't clearly explain what constitutes chasing or attracting to be honest
@@kokoverde723it’s about your own self respect, boundaries and discipline. Ask yourself Why do I want to contact him? What’s the intention? If the answer is : I’m afraid of losing him/ I need his love / I need to control him, or something dramatic like that DONT call him. U need to break this pattern , for anxious person this is in fact same as an addiction. Also know this is toxic behavior, why would you even want to call a man who’s ignoring you? The healed version of you wouldn’t do this. Btw. It’s ok to text ONE time and ask if they are doing OK.
8:59 oh Adam. Thank you. I have an appointment to meet my husband in 7 days on Jan 11th, and we just set this appointment, after not seeing each other since Oct 24th. I am the one who reached out...and I have been restraining myself, after we set the appointment, I thanked him, and while i want to text him more, I am not. I did want to put flowers on his doorstep on Wednesday...but I won't do that, not because I don't want to, but because I don't want him to run away, even tho, I'm the one who ran away from our house. This is very valuable information. Many thanks, and I won't be chasing him. Oh...here we go, i want to stop chasing, and start attracting my husband. 13 years married.
This video is awesome! It describes the relationship with the avoidant all together. You can be secure and and an avoidant will make you so anxious because healthy communication does not work
I'm glad you found the video helpful! It sounds like it really resonated with your experience in this relationship. What are you looking for in future relationships?
Adam, well said. As an avoidant female w an anxious, I 100% agree with everything you have said. I've never shut down in previous relationships but with an anxious who isnt able to articulate their needs and have a normal calm conversation to problem solve together, going into avoidant mode seemed like the only option. I care for this man and he is a good person but I refuse to enable toxic behavior by doing things to pacify him every time he gets worked up (which is often) about something thats NOT EVEN HAPPENING! I cannot tell you how many disagrements we have had because of hypothetical situations likely to never occur. I prefer to work with the reality of what is rather than what has a very low % of happening. Equally agree with find someone else to emotionally regluate with thats not your partner. I feel like there are 3 versions of me during disagreements: my actual self engaged in the moment, me being my own therapist to figure out why ive been trigger and well as his therapist to figure out why hes triggered so I can expose all of the root causes and get to the bottom of things and find a resolution. Anxious's think they are exhausted and we are the problem. BOTH people need to work on themsevles. Neither attachment style is healthy. Thank you for your work and knowledge!
Thank you for sharing your experience-it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into understanding both yourself and your partner. You’re absolutely right-both anxious and avoidant attachment styles come with their own challenges, and it’s not about blaming one person or the other. Are there specific strategies you use to maintain your own emotional balance without feeling like you have to be the therapist in the relationship? Feel free to reach out at support@adamlanesmith.com-I’m committed to helping both you and your partner find a path that works for both of you.
I’ve been with you for about a month now, and you are correct. We know :) my only problem is had I found this earlier….. I could have not only prevented the devastation on both parts, because I can identify each and every opportunity I had where I could have reacted with healthy boundaries.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. I enjoy breaks, space, room to stretch or grow. I don't need to control them or force them or guilt them into staying with me. They want to ne somewhere else? They have every right. If I care for them, I'd rather see them happy. When they care for me, they'll stay for that reason. Any coerced reason is not true, real, or reliable.
the "scared cat" analogy hits home hard. I have an avoidant partner and while things are mostly good and going well, we have had some tricky spots to navigate - and he often reminds me of my sweet foster win kitty who's trust I had to ear over the past 10months. Sometimes I think he sees himself in her as well... anyway. great work here, sadly so much of this rings true but at least we are starting to understand this attachment style now.
See I feel this leaves the partner having to accept what the avoidant partner wants to give . Everything I've heard so far leaves the partner only getting what the avoidant wants to give when they want to give it .
That's probably because the title is doomed anyway. No one should strategize in relationships. I don't think that ever works long term. One can just be themselves, trusting life, and be open to receive gracefully whatever life wants to give. That's already a lot to do.
You're missing a big component. That is that people influence each other. We each have a certain tendency to react and behave, based on our early experiences. We all want to be given in relationships, and some try to get based on those early learning experiences. But in a relationship if you want something different, you need to learn how to affect the unit, the two people who create it, in a way that is life - supporting.
@@sunbeam9222 This only works if you're secure. If you have an insecure attachment style, and you keep being yourself, you're likely going to mess up your relationships. It's not about strategizing, but healing (both of you) so your relationship goes smoother.
@@mystic-83_ the problem is security doesn't work with avoidants, they will sabotage everyone around them. So it doesn't matter- you have to strategize with them, its the only way to try to get them to see the wall they might have to heal in themselves, especially if you are anxious this will just be double work.
Urgh, as glad as I am that I found this video, I equally wish I found it 1.5 years ago so I could have saved so much drama. This was incredible insight, clarity and advice. Feeling way more compassion now that I understand their destructive ways and also feeling much more empowered now that I'm not the "victim" anymore. Thank you sir! 🙏❤
I'm really glad you found the video helpful! Compassion for their struggles is great, but the real win here is that you’re taking back your own power. It's about learning, growing, and moving forward with a clearer sense of self and boundaries. I’m so glad the video helped you get to that point. How are you feeling about the changes you’ll make going forward with this new clarity?
Thankyou for explaining this dynamic which has been exasperating and bewildering us, resulting in emotional pain and resentment and the fruitless wish that the other would stop triggering us. The key to a return to stability and peace is to manage your own emotions and self-regulate your nervous system when his avoidant behaviour hurts you, infuriates you or makes you anxious. Stop chasing, just as if he is your dog.🥰 I can understand that. Will also purchase some chicken treats to attract him back when he distances. 😂
I remember when I asked my avoidant partner (who was a situationship att) what he wanted in a woman. He said, “well.. someone nice, loving and warm.” He then just sat there and seemed content with the list. I burst out laughing which kind of upset him. Then I told him, “sorry I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because that’s the bare minimum.” Security, peace and patience were the words he was looking for. It’s easy to be warm and loving without being patient and peaceful.
I've never had such quick and fulfilling results and honestly I wouldn't even call myself anxiously attached anymore.. I go hours without messaging her but I love she is consistent In calling me and daily and I've now noticed it almost flipping. . I've never felt so confident in myself and with her and seeing her showing feelings I've never seen from her in nearly years of dating You are a genius and how you put it into layman terms it's really relatable. I look back on how I was and cringe. and feel like a dictator in how I was toxicly telling her how it needed to be. Thank you thank you thank you.
wait, so she is chasing you now? ... I'm only asking because I am with a guy that seemed to initiate text at first, but then i got comfortable messaging him all the time about random things... I realized I was starting to message way more than he did and was becoming anxious so I pulled back... then he did NOTHING... I waited 4 days and finally wrote something, to which he immediately responded to but now he just won't initiate any conversation. I don't really understand it, but I'm wondering if he feels like you and just enjoys me consistently communicating... it just became exhausting on my end because it feels like he's so passive, he could care less if I came or went, I don't feel valued anymore... I feel like I'm being taken for granted... I tried not to over analyze because nothing negative is being stated... I just don't want to play any games... so when I read what you wrote, it sounds like you enjoy the girl messaging you all the time without you initiating? am I getting it correctly? is this a good thing? I just can't figure out, if I should do that because I don't want to come off like I'm chasing him
I'm a 51 yo male avoidant, in a new 4 month relationship with an amazing 50 yo anxious style woman, and Adam's videos are helping both of us tremendously. We're both committed to learning and understanding ourselves and each other, and I think that's the key. We've had some early challenges that may have ended a wonderful future together, if not for this insight. I can't overstate how important these concepts are.
That’s incredible to hear! It sounds like you both are doing the hard but rewarding work. What’s been the most eye-opening concept for you so far in managing the anxious-avoidant dynamic? Would love to hear how it’s impacted your relationship.
I hope the answer is not Chase but be available when he comes towards you let him know you're interested without saying it and enjoy his company where while he's there and that's it I hope I'm still learning and I'm 63. So you understand this it's because I was raised by a man raised by a man never taught how to date from a woman's perspective
Relationships are so challenging today because we have to understand the psychology of being men and women. Before, it was just about fulfilling the roles of mother and "father provider" and surviving. These are brave new times.
My husband and I are the poetic dynamic of avoidant man anxious woman… this channel is so helpful. As an anxious if I can give him space it also simultaneously requires my body to remember how safe and stable I actually am. I love our dynamic as hard as it is. Grateful for your channel thank your for helping me see my husband with more loving eyes.
Thank you for sharing that! It’s beautiful that you’re choosing to see your husband with more compassion. It really shifts the whole relationship. When you give him space, what helps you the most to reconnect with your own sense of stability?
I say work on yourself so you won’t attract an avoidant. If I can fully work on myself as an anxious, they can as an avoidant. I feel that all the messages I’ve heard about avoidants is how to cater to their needs. I haven’t seen one video yet that tells the avoidant how they need to be for an any attachment style. Crazy
I don't disagree, but healthy relationships require growth and effort from both partners. While focusing on personal development is essential, a successful partnership involves understanding and accommodating each other's needs. Have you faced any specific challenges with avoidant partners?
Wooooow oh woooow!! Where have u been all my life? I almost ended my marriage with my avoidant husband of 10 n half years. Thank you so much!!! *A new subscriber*
I'm so glad to hear that you found the information helpful and that it might have made a positive impact on your marriage! What specific insights or strategies from the videos do you plan to apply in your relationship moving forward?
Adam, this is my favourite video of yours. I think it's so amazing. I understood myself better, and know what to do consistently now. I also know that when I've self- regulated, and shown empathy, he opens up. One way of putting it is " how would love respond"? If one can step back and respond that way, and also communicate clearly and calmly - that's basic relationship skills of a loving adult. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights. It sounds like you've gained some powerful tools for nurturing your relationship. Keep up the great work, and I'm here if you ever need further guidance.
I’ve never really chased my avoidant partner I check in to see if he’s ok, but I always give him space when I sense he needs it. However it gets very draining being half loved and having to sacrifice your own needs so they feel better. I love my alone time I don’t need him around all the time but I have anxious tendencies from his hot and cold behaviour.
I understand. You shouldn't be sacrificing your needs though. There's a right way to effectively communicate with him and have your needs met for a more balanced, fulfilling relationship. I encourage you to check my 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course or reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com for more details. This course dives deep into the psychology and neurobiology of avoidant attachment and equips you with the necessary skills I mentioned above to finally experience the genuine connection you deserve.
The problem is there is a vast deep world of emotional intimacy that will go unseen forever when you are with an avoidant. I feel i will never be met in my core with him
I know it may seem that way, but avoidants have the capacity and the ability to love deeply and become some of the most caring partners on earth. I encourage you to check out my 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course or to reach out to me for helpful resources.
Honestly, as a secure (but avoidant leaning) person, this is the most practical and accurate video I've seen so far. So many videos are mainly sympathetic to the anxiously attached person while demonizing the avoidant person, instead of providing actual advice or showing sympathy towards the avoidant person.
The self-regulation is huge!! After repeated avoidance, that’s when I had struggles to maintain composure. What I learned was to speak up after the avoidance right away, in a calm tone. Establish boundaries and even take some space for myself with self-reflection. Now that I’m learning to self-reflect better, I realized which avoidant relationships I had to let go and which ones I mirror their level of investment. It brought me much peace. Because hyper focusing on someone who is taking space only steals my joy. And I allowed myself to waste precious time because I was not self-regulating property.
I did not chase. After he left, he texted things like: I miss you, You’re so beautiful, I was thinking about you. … but never picked up the phone or came over to talk. I didn’t respond to the texts, because, He had told me he couldn’t be with me when he left. … … I texted to confirm: I understand you no longer want anything to do with me. He never refuted that… text indicated occasionally: He was having difficulty being broken up… How did I just walk away ( When I dropped him off at the Airport)? I made it look so easy. … but never anything about he had changed his mind…. … … ? It’s not my job to make him feel better about dumping me…
Your explanation of anxious attachment style hit way too close to home. You just described me, and I didn't know any of this. It made me cry. This new realization may help me realize a lot of things about myself!
I’m glad you’re getting some answers. I recommend you go watch my video called the seven signs of anxious attachment style, it’s about 15 minutes long and shows you exactly what to look for. You should find a lot of answers in that video!
Avoidants are only attracted to securely attached people as they don't want the responsibility of (self-)regulating them (13m in). You need to keep going with that thought, and see how the avoidant is then making their self-regulation the secure's responsibility. If someone gets as secure as you say is needed to keep the relationship,they'll have outgrown the relationship
I agree the minute you get as "secure" as they want you to be you'll literally have zero attraction or feelings towards them infact you won't even need them at all, people forget that when it's real there's haddles that need to be addressed,and that doesn't mean you are anxiously attached
@@aselyne5631 yes exactly and in a twisted way, that’s why I don’t want to stop talking to her. I know that given a few months I will not want her anymore- ever.
Adam ... I tried it. I stopped chasing after emotional and mental support. What happened? We are just roommates. No deep conversation. No emotional support. No mental support 😢
How to do this in an ldr? I know he loves me but he has been hurt badly. He thinks he is not running and he would show up. And when I stop chasing he feels abandoned!😢
You helped... You informed me, so i can finally understand us and him more, i could relax a bit into the situation, got to work on myself and at the same time got more secure and as result that we getting closer together... He learns what it feels like to be really loved and trust and feel save and i Learn how to be me and also feel save again. We neither experienced real intimacy but between us it comes naturally and it is very special to be so vulnerable with someone Its a slow proces but that is a good thing a guess. He told me yesterday that his thoughts where all he had going and since a while his feelings pierce through now and then and those make him think about his usual thoughts 😁. He told me his thoughts and some fears, I am surprised to hear that his thoughts about us are about the future, if we can and will care for eachother, and how to get there etc, I am still in the moment, I love that, never imagined him to think about that's... Oh sorry, this was going to be a short thank you for helping us but it is again, a bit more.. I can talk for hours about him and I and our story so far, but I will shut up now. 😁👌🏻
Adam, thank you for posting these videos. I've been through 2 failed marriages, the second ended earlier this year in my 40s. I'm just now wanting to fix myself to avoid a third in the future and to hopefully end up with my life partner and make better choices with men but I'm also working on healthier boundaries in all areas of my life. I've discovered that I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and I want to continue to work to heal that to become secure. I've made a lot of progress but I'm considering taking your bootcamp course to better my efforts and to better understand how to deal with other avoidant people and friends in my life that mean a great deal to me that I'd like to keep in my life. Thank you for sharing these videos and this information.
I'm always happy to help. I encourage your decision to work on your attachment so that you can finally attract and maintain the relationship you deserve. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you have any questions about The Attachment Bootcamp, or any other questions.
I am in the How to Love an Avoidant Man course. I can say that without question, the skills-including how to get one’s needs met, are priceless. Thank you Adam!
You are so 100% on this. So understandable. I'm in this right now. 5 years in this marriage. I don't know how to let this situation go. We're married. We love each other and so much time is squandered. I care so much and want to help him heal because he's worth it. I'm focusing on becoming secure. I'm anxiously attached and doing the work. So I'm working on filling the rest of my life. If this relationship ends, hopefully I'll be secure and won't make the same decisions for the same reasons that I got here. And learn to love myself in the meantime. I'm bonded to him. He's not bonded to me, or won't admit it. So I'm in the wanting to learn how to attract and not chase. Thank you for showing up exactly when I needed this.
I commend your strength and self-awareness. It takes courage to recognize the patterns in your relationship and to actively work on personal growth. How are you balancing your desire to help your partner overcome their attachment issues with your own emotional needs?
@@AttachmentAdam I'm learning emotional discipline and to not dump on him, but to dump other places. I journal, have therapy and and working on becoming secure. I practice grounding, positive self talk and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am also becoming keenly aware of my emotional imbalance because of my anxious attachment style and learning how to recognize the physiological reactions I'm having - acknowledge them and correct my perception of what I need, versus what I am receiving and acknowledging that my husband is giving me what I need in the ways that he knows how and I need to accept it for what it is. For the other needs I have, I practice leaning into my support system - so I have thought partners in my mom, sister, therapist and journal. The other needs I have, I am learning how to satisfy myself and that I don't need my husband to be my drug dealer. I find other sources that activate the neurotransmitters. I refuse to be toxic to him. I watched your video on why anxiously attached people are toxic to avoidants and it was terrifying. My heart hurt. It hurt for not only myself, because I felt slapped, but I also felt extremely self conscious and exposed - although I am not nasty or accusatory at all to him about the things I perceive I am not getting, or my mystery expectations that aren't being met. At the exact same time, I felt extreme empathy and sorrow for what he must have and is experiencing and I completely see why he is exhausted, and why it occurs to me that he doesn't like being married and why he only wants to be free. I also see how that triggers my attachment anxiety and makes me feel like it's me and what am I doing wrong - I get it! crystal clear. I believe there is a path to our Anxious/Avoidant marriage to be successful because I am committed to doing the work to be secure and we do love each other in the ways that we know how. I realize from your content he is vasopressin bonding/bonded to me but I didn't know what that was or recognize that bonding because it wasn't oxytocin bonding (what I was looking for and expecting - thanks to movies, music and the western romantic paradigm) so I'm adjusting my expectation and realizing his oxytocin is blocked and before he can oxy-bond to me, we have to work on shutting off cortisol, interrupting the dopamine addiction, and the only way we can do that is to give him an environment where he can feel peace and freedom. And I am a huge key to that - my attachment, how I occur to him and partner him. I really believe your course will help us do all of that - from what you express in your videos. I'm here for it. (That is a really long answer.)
It feels to me like both styles orriginate from trauma and so i feel like everyone needs to adress that first, heal yourself first instead of trying to make a relationship work while both are dealing with this trauma
I’m actually really happy to come across your channel, I’ve been intertwined with an anxious avoidant for the last 4 1/2 yrs and I’m an anxious attachment. We have been going through it with this man. But it never fails when I stop chasing him he comes to me a lot more often than if I chase him, i really thought for a while that he was just a player and had commitment issues. Then i learned about his family and all the things he had endured, it made me sad and I just want him to feel loved and safe with me. Although we’re currently at a distance and not together, I still just want him to know I’m here for him.
Your situation is complex, and it's commendable that you're trying to understand the underlying patterns in your partner and your relationship. Are you two still communicating on some level or have you cut all contact?
I didn't chase mine at all, in fact i gave him as much space as he wanted, and everything still fell apart after about seven months. You just can't win no matter what you do 🤷
@@marik8624 So did you watch again and have implemented what's mentioned here? Can you please let us know the results of implementation? First time watching. Yhank you
@@galitgil-e8wyes, I did watch it again. After few months watching Adam's videos I realized I need to fix my attachment first to be successful in any kind of relationship. I didn't do anything with the avoidant I like, I was too much of a coward because of the past hurt. But if you're in a better situation than me and secure in your attachment, I don't see why these videos wouldn't work. I think they did work on me. I realized my own need and I'm trying to fix it now. Good luck to you 😊🙏🏻
@marik8624 Thank you. Glad to know things are working gor you🤗. I am anxious attached and i have a dismissive avoidant partner. I m feeling desperate about our relationship. It's more of a situationship because of him pulling away, his unwillingness to speak things over, and his emotional unavailabilty. I dont believe in my power to shift my attachement style, it is like a part of my body.
I'm here again! Looks like I didn't learn my lesson the last time I was roped back in when they showed they cared then turned off their emotions again! The cycle continues....
I don't know if it's your looks, your voice, the confidence with which you talk, that you seem like a humorous guy to hang out with, or that what you say makes so much sense, but you are very attractive. Just wanted to point that out. 😅 Thanks for your videos and keep up the good work.
That's a fantastic compliment, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to share that. It means a lot to know my message is resonating and helping people. Thanks again for the support!
i love you, dude i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend G-d bless you and the good work you're doing
Thank you so much for these kinds words, I really appreciate that. You're a good friend for trying to understand and rebuild your connection. Feel free to let me know if you need any help or support!
Why do I feel like I'm becoming an avoidant in the process as well? When you're in a relationship they will rub off on you and vice versa. That's just a given. Most times you don't even know they are an avoidant until after you are fully emotionally invested. It's not healthy at all and I don't like who I'm becoming because of it. I can only control myself and I can only deal with my issues. I can communicate using soft strategies. I can give to myself instead of expecting it from them. I can detach completely for my own sanity. Yet, I can do all of that single.
It sounds like you're able to stay emotionally disciplined in your relationship. You said you don't like who you're becoming because of it - what specific changes are you seeing in yourself that you don't like?
@@AttachmentAdam No I have an anxious attachment style and I'm working on those issues to self regulate. I'm nowhere out of the woods yet. Yet based on everything I've been through, I realized I'm very secure when I'm single and when I'm in a relationship, I slowly become extremely needy especially when I feel him pulling away. I'm working on that part the most right now to remain secure in all of my relationships and stop shutting down myself and pulling away when I get triggered. Not only do I have to reprogram my mind on a lot of things. I need to reprogram my behavior and all of that takes time and healthy communication to protect my relationships with others
Thank you i am in love with an avoident man and i dont know where i stand with him right now. I gave him space since he ghosted me back in sept 2024 and he reached to me dec 2024 we've been talking and all but its hot and cold. I dont chase because I'm scared of him ghosting. And in the past he gave loads of anxiety and i realized that. So i just try to get my hopes of for the same reason. I regulate my feelings for him. And basically listen to you and some stoicism for self help. But i wont deny he is consistently in my mind 😢
Wow, these videos are amazing. This is obviously not an overnight success, but it is possible. I can see how all these could help in developing a stronger secure relationship with an avoidant overtime. There is no waste in offering this type of support and love becouse youre also learning how to speak out for your own needs, learn about yourself, learn to regulate yourself better, you learn patience and true empathy. I dont see how being with an avoidant people is labeled as such a "waste of time" when you GROW as a decent human being so much more then you could ever in another dynamic relationship. Honestly i think its such a privilege and honour to be able to get an avoidant to feel secure and open up to you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful and optimistic perspective! You're absolutely right-working through the challenges of a relationship with an avoidant partner can lead to incredible personal growth. It’s not just about helping them feel secure; it’s about what you learn about yourself in the process-how to advocate for your needs, regulate your emotions, and develop deeper empathy and patience.
Can you talk about the phantom ex issue and how to deal with it? Unfortunately this is something I am dealing with with my now ex avoidant partner, he used the comparison of the supposed emotional bond he had with his ex-wife (who became very emotionally abusive) and 1st proper girlfriend (who cheated on him) 😅 for the reason why he's called things off with me despite saying he loves me (just not in the way he thinks he should) and yet never giving us the chance to really build any intimacy.
Thank you for the suggestion. I'll take it into consideration for future videos! Dealing with comparisons to past relationships can be tough. It's important to focus on building your own connection.
@@AttachmentAdam I understand that but it's not really addressed for them in your videos either, and it's something they often don't even realise they're doing or why but it has effects on the current bonds they're trying make.
@@Sporkwoman in same boat. Mine kept blocking me with a wall because he was "cheated on" then pretty much did that to me to get back at her/his mom when all I offered was love. Such cruelty
Thank you for this Adam - but I think you need to change the title to make it clear it is about avoidant men. Now you need to do an equivalent video about avoidant women.
My avoidant man is experiencing a death of a loved for the first time in his life. Obviously hes not asking for support and when asked, he's always "fine". Can you please give pointera on how to help through this time? I dont want to overwhelm him but i know how hard it is to lose someone and i want to help.
My partner's dad died of stage 4 cancer. I hugged him sometimes and had to give him lots of space. He also said nothing or I'm fine. I'd help cook his meals and make breakfast.However he did act out, not come home, drink more, make rash decisions and was on edge. I had to understand him because I lost my parents as a kid too. It was hard like Adam says, you have to emotionally regulate.
Avoidant people in my life who experienced death of a loved one needed at least 1-2 years to even begin to process the loss. I had to provide tremendous amounts of space. Please take care of yourself and your needs. Lean on friends and hobbies to bring happiness. The avoidant will reach out for closeness when they are ready.
My wife is avoidant 😔 i am anxious 🤦🏻♂️ i love her and our kids very much . Wow I have been told many times that I am diss regulated and over emotional 😔. You nailed it Adam. You are the one you have been waiting for is an excellent book . I got it and it helped me so much to understand my personal problems in my marriage.
It's great to hear that you've found resources to help you understand your challenges and relationship dynamics. How have you started to apply the insights from the book to your daily interactions with your wife and kids?
i love you, dude i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend G-d bless you and the good work your doing
You know what. It took me 15 plus years of burying my head in the sand and then working on my self through therapy to finally get my life back on track with the aid of medication. After watching this video I’ve just learned that I was an Anxiously Avoidant woman. I’m not anymore. What I’m excited for now is to help spread the word, you are going to help so so many people in the future. I hope the next generation will learn from this.
Love your Video , iam an anxious attachement style, and you know what , i need someone with a secure attachment style or also an anxious because it is not worth it to be with an avoidand because i need someone who wants to Communicate who wants to settle down but these kind of people are Not ready and iam Not Waiting for them ❤ i Wait for someone does not put me in anxiety all day sweaty and shiffering , i Wait for the men who gives me the feeling of Comfort, and iam sorry that they have Trauma but it is not my responsability to accept their behavoir
My previous comment is the anxious I’m me jumping to defend what I believe in lol. But I now know my emotion backed responses are ineffective because I can’t slow down to say what I mean and mean what I say. My intentions are this, in response to the heat he’s getting. Here’s WHY Adam is set apart from a pond with many other extraordinary and intelligent experts. When I turned to TH-cam in search for help I needed so desperately. But describing my partner led me straight to Narcissism. I battled my heart and my head because I was so torn with what I was reading and listening to because I knew he wasn’t evil. Then I found Adam where attachment theory LITERALLY was the EXACT thing we were going through. And neither my ex partner and I are monsters. We just so happen to be THE WORST combination anxious and avoidant both topped with one undiagnosed bpd and an untreated bpd. So yeah. You’re pretty irreplaceable to your crew!!
Well I guess the one thing I've learned is apparently I'm not an avoidant person because anyone who stops chasing me will see me mirror that treatment and show that I have no interest at all for anyone who lacks enthusiasm for a relationship with me. If you're able to avoid me and not pursue me then that tells me you're not actually interested in me at all and honestly I can't imagine any person who would prefer chasing someone who isn't chasing them back
It's insightful that you've recognized this pattern in yourself. How do you usually communicate your needs and expectations in the earlier relationship stages?
@@AttachmentAdam This is a great question and I guess the best way to answer it is when I'm comfortable I don't hold anything back so there's nothing that doesn't get said. Unfortunately I'm not big on repeating myself cuz childhood didn't allow for it so if I'm not heard actually just try to make the necessary changes for myself to deal with whatever it is. That's if it's just an inconvenience to me if there's a bigger picture issue I will continue to bring it up.
Absolutely love your platform thank you so much. I love my avoidant deeply I am textbook, anxious, attachment, style woman I made all the mistakes you brought up . I now have been working on myself. To become the secure, attachment behaviors. And doing well with it I still have long way to go. This last break up with John is different in the fact that I am not chasing him anymore .. It still has not worked. to store our relationship. But I will continue to move forward.
So what do you do while you're not chasing and just waiting for him to come around again? And how long do you wait/what do you do if he's taking too long?
This video is so refreshing. I’ve been trying to distract myself after my breakup it’s still so fresh. We were together for seven years, and he ended things out of nowhere. I can’t stop thinking about him. I still feel like he’s the only one for me.
I know how devastating that can be. This was me when my husband left my husband left.
Really? How did you handle it? I feel like I’m losing my mind. I just want him back.
I completely understand. I felt the same way. I ended up reaching out to Father Akabu who was recommended by a friend , a spiritual guide who specializes in restoring relationships. He made all the difference for me, he brought my partner back
That sounds incredible. Do you think he could help me? I just can’t imagine my life without him.
I’m sure he can. He’s helped so many people in situations like ours.
It sounds like the avoidant runs because they're projecting their fears/insecurities onto us. So they're basically just running from themselves. This is a lose-lose situation. Personally, I gave up. I gave up on my husband (an avoidant) and our marriage. Only then did he stop running and start showing up.... I agree with the first thing you said: don't pursue the avoidant; if you lose them, you lose them. At least you didn't lose yourself.
YEP 100% very true. They literally are causing their own early death. They can't blame the anxious/secure
I love this!
@@ShopNewGho literally. And the anxious wants connection, albeit abit too much. That's why you can make it work with an anxious, because they WANT it to work. Connection and emotional intimacy is the lifeblood of relationships. Avoidants fear that, how the heck can you build a relationship with someone who fears the very thing a relationship provides ?
@@writer1986
It's a cruel subconscious trap in both what they are doing to you and to themselves.
It's really twisted.
Be kind but also be kind to yourself if you need to get out.
They need therapy not a relationship.
Absolutely, and the anxious one as well, running from self-responsibility and in the end we are just different sides of the same coin. Both need to find a balance within, but it’s long and painful process.
Unfortunately after 25 it gets down to being able to calculate how much time that is being “wasted”. If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week. Come on now. You’re wasting months and years you could have been having a real relationship and connection with someone. The audacity to think someone should sit around and wait on you because they love you is absurd at this point.
"If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week."
Insanely, painfully accurate.
Truer words were never spoken!!
Oh this hits hard 😢
Gosh this is a good point.
I had enough of waiting for him to be available from work and responsibilities.. and my time was waisted let alone the suffering of not seeing him
I had to let him go. Painful lesson but I learned so much from this lesson.
The selfish woman response just leave then
I let him come back. It works. The truth is they will definitely come back after a few months but the reality is they show up the exact same way as u left them! They will come back with the same half assed energy as they always had. They will always keep you at arms length you will never hear words of confirmation and if you want to be with somebody like that, you have to accept that you’re gonna get crumbs from a person like that so you have to make the assessment of, do you want to be in a relationship where you feel like you’re enduring 90% of the time and coping 90% of the time? I didn’t.
Hey, thanks for sharing that. I hear you loud and clear that you want a partner who puts in more effort and makes you feel secure. Have you thought about what kind of communication might help get your needs met in the relationship?
Sounds gross and unfulfilling
@@AttachmentAdamrisk based language 😌
😂😂😂
It's truly ridiculous 😂@@almightybeanchild
You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't.
Only solution is to become secure, call them out, set boundaries. If they aren't willing to put in the work, leave.
What they are doing, including stonewalling, silent treatment etc. is all emotional abuse.
@@nickus51
1000%
They are actually projecting the abuse lack of emotions they received on to YOU. Remove yourself from this. You WILL feel better.
Yes! Thank you.
@@nickus51 THIS
Exactly!
@@chrislim7976Yes, the projection is crazy😂
Adam, you are so right. I love an avoidant man and over two years he was hot and cold long distance, and it was difficult for my anxious attachment style. But he helped me become secure within myself by learning to relax, give him time and room to feel safe with me. And now he is actively working on moving closer to me to build a life together. I learned so much from my avoidant in my life and ready to keep working on self regulation to become more secure
Yes! Same thing happened with me! I was insanely anxious with an avoidant- which I knew nothing about at the time. HE’S the one who calmed me… he was so kind and caring about it. He didn’t shame me or cut me off! And because of it, I began researching about relationships and came across Adam’s channel. It’s been several months of me just soaking it all in and I couldn’t be happier in life and with him because of it!
That sounds like quite a journey you've been on. It's great that you've found a way to grow through it!
same with me!
Can you share how did you "prevent" him from seeking new attention from new people after about 7months to a year? Because I also hear stories about some guys after you become secure and give him time and space, and by the end he didn't respect or cherish your love but turn away and seek for new lovers.
@waterlilynymph thank you for sharing. Can you shae some things you did? What's the longest time he disappeared? This is an ongoing cycle, I try not to chase but some times I know I'm intense.
Ladies do yourself a favor. Stop chasing avoidant men. Let them do the hard work to heal and let them show you they are trying to change. Otherwise stop wasting your time. Months or years can go by you will never get back.
I second that as a mature woman with experience.
@@christinefoltz1055 I speak from experience as a secure attached man had a very challenging relationship with an fearful avoidant woman. She sort of pursued me in the beginning. DMing . Asking me why I was still single, and when she met me she thought I was a catch. Lots of love bombing which I never experienced in my life from a woman. But then when things got close and intimate. Left without an adult conversation, just a text. It's unfortunate and cold , but that's how some avoidants function. They can still love and adore you, but their core wound fears will overwhelm their feelings. They need to do the work to heal before they are ready for a healthy relationship.
Yes, they have to wanna work on themselves and see if there is something that they need to change most don’t I was with him for five years. I need to deflected everything that he did wrong onto me that I caused him to be this way and use the word force quit “forcing me”. Never understood it till now as I should’ve left four years ago, wasn’t trying to force anything on him very dissociated!
28 years here. Stopped chasing his attention and heart 8 years ago. I told him I was no longer going to teach him how to love me or his kids.
@@terrimartinez6547 I'm so sorry. I consider myself lucky then.
Agree He felt stressed by my expectations and standards , normal and healthy ones like respect !
He wanted to be a flake without any protest
He wanted it all on His terms
He created the stress not Me
I only wanted what most Woman would want
I gave Him space , I was as patient as I could be
But I wasn’t being respected or valued
I won’t accept that
Word!!!
Same here 👍👏
Yes I hear you!
Your best best is to find an older man who has done the work and healing.
I myself am an FA man and my wife is a AP attachment style. We are young we have been married for less than a year. But working on this stuff together and understanding how each of us work and then consciously working towards shared goals resulted in a lot of vasopressin bonding between us and we have an amazing relationship.
She tells me that "living with you is like being in a fairy tale"
Our friends and family see us as the idea power couple.
But I explain to them we don't have normal attachment styles and it requires constant work and communication. My wife understands how I think and communicate and so she does her best to work with me that way, in a way I can understand.
Not all FA men are jerks. We just have been through so much trauma that we had to become this way to survive.
Ofcourse, trauma is no excuse not to work on oneself.
Finding ppl who are committed to working on INTEGRATION of FRAGMENTED parts of themselves is a rare thing.
Typically they are older, from what i can tell.
Working on my issues and traumas and integrating fragmented parts of myself was the best thing I've ever done.
I used a book called King, Warrior, Magician, Lover to help me in my journey.
Another good book for healthy masculinity is Man Of Steel and Velvet.
Also Robert Blys book called Iron John.
Masculinity is learned. We don't have good teachers so we have a society of uninitiated boys masquerading as men.
I will admit I still have personal work and healing to do but I've come a very very long way and all my friends and family agree I've become the best version of myself thus far. I do my best to teach younger men and boys in my family how to be and exhibit healthy masculinity.
There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity. We need more healthy masculinity.
OK that's my two cents. Good luck! Wishing you the best and true love!
Same here
Avoidant people are just so not worth your time. Was in a relationship with one, totally emotionally drained and destroyed me. My advice: find someone who will fight for you like you fight for him, and let avoidants run away from life forever.
It sounds like you went through a very painful experience with an avoidant partner, and it's completely understandable to feel drained and angry. I agree that finding someone who is willing to fight for the relationship is important. What are some other qualities you'd like to see in a future partner?
YES!!!!!
Leave avoidant men and women alone. Unless you want a relationship where you have to adjust yourself around another person and walk on egg shells.
@@J23-n9d I lived it. No one is demonizing anyone. If you want something then no one has to try to figure out how to get you to take it. You figure it out yourself.
I've been married to one for 28 years. Separated twice. This second separation has been 6 years long. Poke me with a fork, I'm done. I'm working on hiring a lawyer to end this exhausting relationship. Kids are raised. House almost paid off and I still have no idea what his plan is for our relationship. We definitely are not on the same page, though. I can't imagine living with him in the same house...and I'm tired.b
Truer words have never been spoken
@@terrimartinez6547what a sobering comment 😵💫 I’m getting away from my boyfriend if 2 years now!! I’m 36 years old and don’t want to end up 50 and still wondering if he likes me
@@terrimartinez6547 I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Sending many hugs and strengh
Avoidants are exhausting. And honestly, make me react toxic to their toxic bs.
Agree
Soooo exhausting
So glad I am not marrying him
It’s reverse gas lighting too be exact
I'm 25 and even at this age I'm already so sick and tired of searching some other person's childhood trauma's for them just to get a little bit warm feeling of being loved. I shouldn't have to work that hard for something so simple. I'm literally feeling sick omg
wow... I agree with this so much. Thank you for sharing.
Also, I wish you the best in your scenario/life.
Relate
I just learned that my anxious attachment style is getting tired of the avoidant feeling. I am done
With an avoidant, you are alone and that is a worse alone than being totally alone!!
Why do you think that?
@joed4066 yes! When you are alone you know what to expect and there's no roller coaster. When you feel alone with someone, you have no idea what to expect and it can lead to disappointment. At least if I disappoint myself I can course correct. I'm not trying to manage anyone else's course as that also leads to disappointment. 😞
@@AttachmentAdam bcs they are damaged, unless they wanna to some self reflection and inner work, there’s no hope with them!! They avoid you!!!
Agree. No conversation. Go where he wants to go. His music in the car. Doesn't hold my hand or initiate a kiss.
I'd rather be alone.... Peace instead of uncertainty of wondering why he is with me in the first place....
Jesus said, Let the dead bury the dead.
Agreed… because if you’re in a relationship with an avoidant, you are dreaming of all the hypotheticals with a real person who “loves you”.. but you feel alone sitting next to this person on the couch.. like you have to pressure them into agreeing these are awesome things that would boost the relationship.. all the “normal” stuff is miserable and needs to be at their pace only. That’s extremely difficult to cope with when you know you *need* some outward commitment..
He has so many good points about how their avoidant attachment came about in the first place.
My own notes to self:
1. Work on own codependency to manage abandonment triggers and get secure attachment. So much hotter than the alternative
2. Don’t create perceived or real pressure (being critical and pushy)
3. Get a life and leave them alone, let them come around- stop chasing. No smother mothering behavior
4. If they don’t come around…. Have enough self esteem to start moving on at which point you guys can do the dance all over again because you’ll have lost interest in them and moved in with someone which takes all the pressure off of person A which makes you more attractive
@SunshineAndSnowflakes not usually though, they usually are too immature ( not able to receive love/project onto others) to retain someone with secure attachment, especially if they refuse ownership
Thanks alot this will help me lots!
What to do when the avoidant texts after two or three days? Should I take the same amount of time to reply? Or should I reply after only some hours? Would that be considered chasing?
It’s starting to feel like torture to be honest. I think I don’t have the luxury to keep this relationship. I’m in recovery and it’s just too much
I think you should only stick with an avoidant if you REALLY feel like it's worth the trouble (torture !!!) and really believe in the person's potential to heal and then make you happy/satisfy your needs.
Courage
What makes it feel that way? I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com to discuss this in more detail. I'd be happy to share more strategies and resources with you.
It absolutely is like being tortured! 100%
I say that at least 8 times a day! Lol
These people cause so much pain. Even when they seem (or pretend) like they're not trying to. Every thing that comes out of their mouth is so aloof & nonchalant. And even when their words are sweet, their actions are usually atrocious or just selfish really. Like they could care less how you feel, or how they're making you feel. Smfh
Yeah, I'm in the middle of this right now, as well. Have been for a very long time, in fact! And I don't even know why I hold on. Wishing for that "magic day" where she finally realizes, and it all turns around, I guess? 😅
Yeah right.... I know.
They're simply self absorbed from what I can tell. And it makes me sick, in all honesty.
Idk why we love who we love? 🤷🏻♂️
But it seems like a terrible system to me.
Best of luck to you, with yours! 🙂👍🏻
@@johnnydi2231 I get it. Are you in the course? The hardest work is at the beginning. I am in your shoes
Never chased anybody. Still he disappeared for days in the beginning. I said i was sick of it and that was it. Bumped into a few times but not a word from this person. I dont really care about other's trauma. Cant be bother. Not a mother, not a psycho, just a woman. period. I am so happy to be myself.
well sometimes it's not just the trauma, most probably the feelings were not enough too... from both sides. Which is ok. Otherwise that wouldn't have been the end! (Trust me, you surely have some type of trauma too, and you would want the one to be in relationship with, to care about it! Otherwise it's not love we are talking about, if you can't care about the burden of the person you supposedly want to be with)
have an aviodant wife that left to get peace . its very sad they can just run off and not care
I totally get it. In this imperfect world we all go through so much. There is help available for everyone who wants it. I’ll go get mine, you go get yours.
Relationship is like a job. Get qualifications. Don’t apply if you are not qualified. You must do inservice to remain qualified.
And why is it being nice to someone you love, helping when needed considered unhealthy anxious attachment?
God tells us to be kind to our enemies. Certainly, I will be kind to my spouse.
I love an avoidant one and totally 💯 understand the core reasons for his traumatic response for any intimacy and relationships…
The problem with giving all the space and time and understanding etc etc is that it never teaches them that there’s also another’s person needs and wounds and emotions. And that love demands trust and vulnerability but on terms of both parts. Not only that we become his space giver therapy to continue the loop of avoidance.
But still they are so lovable ❤
And yes, the only thing that works is to heal our own anxiety and become securely attached and walk away with gratitude and appreciation for the lessons.
You are so right!
I’ve been letting him come to me for three years at his convenience because I know he panics after intimacy. We broke up for four months because I asked for a commitment and he said he loves me and is crazy attracted to me but doesn’t feel enough to take it to the next level. Then he came back and he came to visit me seven hours away, we had a beautiful few days together … and now it’s been silence for a week. It used to hurt me and I think I’m just desensitized now and my feelings have sort of shut off. I’ve always called him my feral cat. That’s exactly how I have to approach him. But I’m at the point where I don’t want to enable him anymore so I encouraged him to get into trauma and or twelve step therapy. He said he wants to change but is terrified about what that entails. I have to just leave him to do what he’s gonna do and take care of me.
Stop having sex with him , and see what happens. Why are you giving the best part of yourself to someone who doesn’t understand what you are giving
Sound exactly like what i m going trough 😢
@@innan.599 it’s crazy how common it is. Ugh I’m sorry. I just finally texted him yesterday saying I have to pull away because I’m lowering my standards and enabling him by accepting this hot and cold behavior.
People don't change unless they absolutely have to. Often that means losing someone or something important permanently.
I Love the "Coerced soothing"
And the "they've never felt loved, how can they make you feel loved"
Does it resonate with what you're seeing in your own relationship?
Adam, you are a big help. Probably because you have an inside lane. I noticed a pic on your desk of "The Man!" who was brought before the crowd. I recognize the pic from the magazine. Are you one of us? I think..
I was bonded to the man I love. The second time he left, I gave him a dose of his own medicine. He came back, shocked.. that I left him. No.. I told him what's wrong. He has taken time and happily is settling down. Now we talk heart to heart. He's learning slowly to trust. I pray a lot!
how did you navigate that? Did you just cut him off? Did you tell him you were cutting him off? am interested to understand this, I tried telling my guy I was gone and he didnt seem to care
I left 2+ years ago when I caught him emotionally cheating for a 3rd time. His body & mind is toxic, he made himself impotent from unhealthy choices. He still gives me silent treatment. I’m happy with work so I have my own money. Men who don’t do inner work I have no energy or time for.
@@victoriathompson2246 I learned from my own experience, with an avoidant, how much worse emotional cheating actually is. It was awful, and he could not understand why I was so upset about it.
Made he's self impotent???? How????
@@arankagionetti2098 He is an alcoholic who drunks daily, eats carbs and sugars so he is overweight causing type 2 diabetes and hypertension, does not exercise and uses stolen opioid drugs. Also known as self sabotage.
@arankagionetti2098 you can make yourself impotent through the overuse of p0rn or alcohol. Both ruin the body's neural pathways.
Adam this speaks to me.
I am an anxious person love an avoidant. At first we were in tune each other, however as things go by, I could feel he slowly pull away and triggered my anxious wounds. We broke up but still keep in touch to these days and without realizing we both are learning each other's attachment style along the way. I have watched many videos of how to handle avoidant patterns but most of them seemed like had me hate those with attachment style which is hard for me to follow.
Your insight is an eye opener for me, to be more respectful and understood their emotional state. They have wounds, too. It was something I did not realize, instead I kept judging them being mean, heartless and not caring.
This encourages me to be more curious to a good avoidant's needs, understanding his fears and not making all about me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
I'd rather inspire somebody - and somebody else! Not avoiding me. I'd rather fall in love with my own life and naturally attract people who want to share it. I also want to show him respect. If he's running the other way, best way I can support him is to let him go, to take the hint and scram. To respect his space. And give him plenty. It's not personal. It's not against me. It's just for him to feel secure in his own safety. No chuff.
The cat scenario makes me laugh so hard. I was picturing myself and how I love people too excitedly 😂😅
Some people are scared cats, others are golden retrievers... make sure you're matched properly so you're appreciated!
You have to regulate your emotions. I’m dealing with an avoidant man and he’s watched because I’m cool calm and NEVER CHASE! You have to relax and let go of control. It works for me.
@@RaeBaeLove but what's the difference between not chasing and just giving him space and being at his beck and call as it pleases him? The video didn't clearly explain what constitutes chasing or attracting to be honest
@@kokoverde723it’s about your own self respect, boundaries and discipline. Ask yourself Why do I want to contact him? What’s the intention? If the answer is : I’m afraid of losing him/ I need his love / I need to control him, or something dramatic like that DONT call him. U need to break this pattern , for anxious person this is in fact same as an addiction. Also know this is toxic behavior, why would you even want to call a man who’s ignoring you? The healed version of you wouldn’t do this. Btw. It’s ok to text ONE time and ask if they are doing OK.
I began avoiding the avoidant man and healed the part of me that kept selecting avoidant men.
8:59 oh Adam. Thank you. I have an appointment to meet my husband in 7 days on Jan 11th, and we just set this appointment, after not seeing each other since Oct 24th.
I am the one who reached out...and I have been restraining myself, after we set the appointment, I thanked him, and while i want to text him more, I am not.
I did want to put flowers on his doorstep on Wednesday...but I won't do that, not because I don't want to, but because I don't want him to run away, even tho, I'm the one who ran away from our house.
This is very valuable information. Many thanks, and I won't be chasing him.
Oh...here we go, i want to stop chasing, and start attracting my husband. 13 years married.
This video is awesome! It describes the relationship with the avoidant all together. You can be secure and and an avoidant will make you so anxious because healthy communication does not work
I'm glad you found the video helpful! It sounds like it really resonated with your experience in this relationship. What are you looking for in future relationships?
@@AttachmentAdam healthy communication and appreciation of effort on both sides 🥰
Wow, you described my relationship exactly. I sure wish I had this information years ago when I went through this. It was So painful.
Adam, well said. As an avoidant female w an anxious, I 100% agree with everything you have said. I've never shut down in previous relationships but with an anxious who isnt able to articulate their needs and have a normal calm conversation to problem solve together, going into avoidant mode seemed like the only option. I care for this man and he is a good person but I refuse to enable toxic behavior by doing things to pacify him every time he gets worked up (which is often) about something thats NOT EVEN HAPPENING! I cannot tell you how many disagrements we have had because of hypothetical situations likely to never occur. I prefer to work with the reality of what is rather than what has a very low % of happening. Equally agree with find someone else to emotionally regluate with thats not your partner. I feel like there are 3 versions of me during disagreements: my actual self engaged in the moment, me being my own therapist to figure out why ive been trigger and well as his therapist to figure out why hes triggered so I can expose all of the root causes and get to the bottom of things and find a resolution. Anxious's think they are exhausted and we are the problem. BOTH people need to work on themsevles. Neither attachment style is healthy. Thank you for your work and knowledge!
Thank you for sharing your experience-it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into understanding both yourself and your partner. You’re absolutely right-both anxious and avoidant attachment styles come with their own challenges, and it’s not about blaming one person or the other. Are there specific strategies you use to maintain your own emotional balance without feeling like you have to be the therapist in the relationship?
Feel free to reach out at support@adamlanesmith.com-I’m committed to helping both you and your partner find a path that works for both of you.
I’ve been with you for about a month now, and you are correct. We know :) my only problem is had I found this earlier….. I could have not only prevented the devastation on both parts, because I can identify each and every opportunity I had where I could have reacted with healthy boundaries.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. I enjoy breaks, space, room to stretch or grow. I don't need to control them or force them or guilt them into staying with me. They want to ne somewhere else? They have every right. If I care for them, I'd rather see them happy. When they care for me, they'll stay for that reason. Any coerced reason is not true, real, or reliable.
the "scared cat" analogy hits home hard. I have an avoidant partner and while things are mostly good and going well, we have had some tricky spots to navigate - and he often reminds me of my sweet foster win kitty who's trust I had to ear over the past 10months. Sometimes I think he sees himself in her as well... anyway. great work here, sadly so much of this rings true but at least we are starting to understand this attachment style now.
See I feel this leaves the partner having to accept what the avoidant partner wants to give . Everything I've heard so far leaves the partner only getting what the avoidant wants to give when they want to give it .
That's probably because the title is doomed anyway. No one should strategize in relationships. I don't think that ever works long term. One can just be themselves, trusting life, and be open to receive gracefully whatever life wants to give. That's already a lot to do.
You're missing a big component. That is that people influence each other. We each have a certain tendency to react and behave, based on our early experiences. We all want to be given in relationships, and some try to get based on those early learning experiences. But in a relationship if you want something different, you need to learn how to affect the unit, the two people who create it, in a way that is life - supporting.
@@sunbeam9222 I agree
@@sunbeam9222 This only works if you're secure. If you have an insecure attachment style, and you keep being yourself, you're likely going to mess up your relationships. It's not about strategizing, but healing (both of you) so your relationship goes smoother.
@@mystic-83_ the problem is security doesn't work with avoidants, they will sabotage everyone around them. So it doesn't matter- you have to strategize with them, its the only way to try to get them to see the wall they might have to heal in themselves, especially if you are anxious this will just be double work.
Urgh, as glad as I am that I found this video, I equally wish I found it 1.5 years ago so I could have saved so much drama. This was incredible insight, clarity and advice. Feeling way more compassion now that I understand their destructive ways and also feeling much more empowered now that I'm not the "victim" anymore. Thank you sir! 🙏❤
I'm really glad you found the video helpful! Compassion for their struggles is great, but the real win here is that you’re taking back your own power. It's about learning, growing, and moving forward with a clearer sense of self and boundaries.
I’m so glad the video helped you get to that point. How are you feeling about the changes you’ll make going forward with this new clarity?
Constantly working on being self regulated? Wow, i never would have thought! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
You can do it! How do you plan to incorporate self-regulation practices into your daily routine?
Thankyou for explaining this dynamic which has been exasperating and bewildering us, resulting in emotional pain and resentment and the fruitless wish that the other would stop triggering us.
The key to a return to stability and peace is to manage your own emotions and self-regulate your nervous system when his avoidant behaviour hurts you, infuriates you or makes you anxious.
Stop chasing, just as if he is your dog.🥰 I can understand that. Will also purchase some chicken treats to attract him back when he distances. 😂
I remember when I asked my avoidant partner (who was a situationship att) what he wanted in a woman. He said, “well.. someone nice, loving and warm.” He then just sat there and seemed content with the list. I burst out laughing which kind of upset him. Then I told him, “sorry I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because that’s the bare minimum.” Security, peace and patience were the words he was looking for. It’s easy to be warm and loving without being patient and peaceful.
You sir are genius. I've been following you for a couple of years, and you have helped me tremendously! Anxious in love with an Avoidant
Wow, thank you so much for sharing that! I'm so glad to hear it, and I'm here for you if you ever need extra help or guidance.
I've never had such quick and fulfilling results and honestly I wouldn't even call myself anxiously attached anymore.. I go hours without messaging her but I love she is consistent In calling me and daily and I've now noticed it almost flipping. . I've never felt so confident in myself and with her and seeing her showing feelings I've never seen from her in nearly years of dating
You are a genius and how you put it into layman terms it's really relatable.
I look back on how I was and cringe. and feel like a dictator in how I was toxicly telling her how it needed to be. Thank you thank you thank you.
wait, so she is chasing you now? ... I'm only asking because I am with a guy that seemed to initiate text at first, but then i got comfortable messaging him all the time about random things...
I realized I was starting to message way more than he did and was becoming anxious so I pulled back... then he did NOTHING...
I waited 4 days and finally wrote something, to which he immediately responded to but now he just won't initiate any conversation. I don't really understand it, but I'm wondering if he feels like you and just enjoys me consistently communicating...
it just became exhausting on my end because it feels like he's so passive, he could care less if I came or went, I don't feel valued anymore... I feel like I'm being taken for granted... I tried not to over analyze because nothing negative is being stated...
I just don't want to play any games...
so when I read what you wrote, it sounds like you enjoy the girl messaging you all the time without you initiating? am I getting it correctly?
is this a good thing? I just can't figure out, if I should do that because I don't want to come off like I'm chasing him
@@d1v1n1ti whenever you get the answer tell me because I'm in a similar situation
I'm a 51 yo male avoidant, in a new 4 month relationship with an amazing 50 yo anxious style woman, and Adam's videos are helping both of us tremendously. We're both committed to learning and understanding ourselves and each other, and I think that's the key. We've had some early challenges that may have ended a wonderful future together, if not for this insight. I can't overstate how important these concepts are.
That’s incredible to hear! It sounds like you both are doing the hard but rewarding work. What’s been the most eye-opening concept for you so far in managing the anxious-avoidant dynamic? Would love to hear how it’s impacted your relationship.
I hope the answer is not Chase but be available when he comes towards you let him know you're interested without saying it and enjoy his company where while he's there and that's it I hope I'm still learning and I'm 63. So you understand this it's because I was raised by a man raised by a man never taught how to date from a woman's perspective
Relationships are so challenging today because we have to understand the psychology of being men and women. Before, it was just about fulfilling the roles of mother and "father provider" and surviving. These are brave new times.
My husband and I are the poetic dynamic of avoidant man anxious woman… this channel is so helpful. As an anxious if I can give him space it also simultaneously requires my body to remember how safe and stable I actually am. I love our dynamic as hard as it is. Grateful for your channel thank your for helping me see my husband with more loving eyes.
Thank you for sharing that! It’s beautiful that you’re choosing to see your husband with more compassion. It really shifts the whole relationship. When you give him space, what helps you the most to reconnect with your own sense of stability?
I say work on yourself so you won’t attract an avoidant. If I can fully work on myself as an anxious, they can as an avoidant. I feel that all the messages I’ve heard about avoidants is how to cater to their needs. I haven’t seen one video yet that tells the avoidant how they need to be for an any attachment style. Crazy
I don't disagree, but healthy relationships require growth and effort from both partners. While focusing on personal development is essential, a successful partnership involves understanding and accommodating each other's needs. Have you faced any specific challenges with avoidant partners?
It’s so much pain with avoidance
Wooooow oh woooow!! Where have u been all my life? I almost ended my marriage with my avoidant husband of 10 n half years. Thank you so much!!! *A new subscriber*
I'm so glad to hear that you found the information helpful and that it might have made a positive impact on your marriage! What specific insights or strategies from the videos do you plan to apply in your relationship moving forward?
Girl fight if he treats you good but is just avoidant he is worth it
Adam, this is my favourite video of yours. I think it's so amazing. I understood myself better, and know what to do consistently now. I also know that when I've self- regulated, and shown empathy, he opens up. One way of putting it is " how would love respond"? If one can step back and respond that way, and also communicate clearly and calmly - that's basic relationship skills of a loving adult. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights. It sounds like you've gained some powerful tools for nurturing your relationship. Keep up the great work, and I'm here if you ever need further guidance.
I’ve never really chased my avoidant partner I check in to see if he’s ok, but I always give him space when I sense he needs it. However it gets very draining being half loved and having to sacrifice your own needs so they feel better. I love my alone time I don’t need him around all the time but I have anxious tendencies from his hot and cold behaviour.
@@delaslight I check in on day to day basis as he does with me but when he’s distant I leave him to it.
I understand. You shouldn't be sacrificing your needs though. There's a right way to effectively communicate with him and have your needs met for a more balanced, fulfilling relationship. I encourage you to check my 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course or reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com for more details.
This course dives deep into the psychology and neurobiology of avoidant attachment and equips you with the necessary skills I mentioned above to finally experience the genuine connection you deserve.
The problem is there is a vast deep world of emotional intimacy that will go unseen forever when you are with an avoidant. I feel i will never be met in my core with him
I know it may seem that way, but avoidants have the capacity and the ability to love deeply and become some of the most caring partners on earth. I encourage you to check out my 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course or to reach out to me for helpful resources.
Bc they have NO EMPATHY
@@tinkerbellUK you might have a narcissist and not just an avoidant
Honestly, as a secure (but avoidant leaning) person, this is the most practical and accurate video I've seen so far. So many videos are mainly sympathetic to the anxiously attached person while demonizing the avoidant person, instead of providing actual advice or showing sympathy towards the avoidant person.
The self-regulation is huge!! After repeated avoidance, that’s when I had struggles to maintain composure.
What I learned was to speak up after the avoidance right away, in a calm tone. Establish boundaries and even take some space for myself with self-reflection.
Now that I’m learning to self-reflect better, I realized which avoidant relationships I had to let go and which ones I mirror their level of investment. It brought me much peace.
Because hyper focusing on someone who is taking space only steals my joy. And I allowed myself to waste precious time because I was not self-regulating property.
My person's behavior towards me now, is heartbreaking. Although I am so sad that they can never feel what I feel
I did not chase. After he left, he texted things like: I miss you, You’re so beautiful, I was thinking about you. … but never picked up the phone or came over to talk. I didn’t respond to the texts, because, He had told me he couldn’t be with me when he left. … … I texted to confirm: I understand you no longer want anything to do with me. He never refuted that… text indicated occasionally: He was having difficulty being broken up… How did I just walk away ( When I dropped him off at the Airport)? I made it look so easy. … but never anything about he had changed his mind…. … … ? It’s not my job to make him feel better about dumping me…
I like this
Your explanation of anxious attachment style hit way too close to home. You just described me, and I didn't know any of this. It made me cry. This new realization may help me realize a lot of things about myself!
I’m glad you’re getting some answers. I recommend you go watch my video called the seven signs of anxious attachment style, it’s about 15 minutes long and shows you exactly what to look for. You should find a lot of answers in that video!
Avoidants are only attracted to securely attached people as they don't want the responsibility of (self-)regulating them (13m in). You need to keep going with that thought, and see how the avoidant is then making their self-regulation the secure's responsibility. If someone gets as secure as you say is needed to keep the relationship,they'll have outgrown the relationship
I don't think that's the case. They attract anxious as much if not moreso
I agree the minute you get as "secure" as they want you to be you'll literally have zero attraction or feelings towards them infact you won't even need them at all, people forget that when it's real there's haddles that need to be addressed,and that doesn't mean you are anxiously attached
This is accurate!
@@aselyne5631 yes exactly and in a twisted way, that’s why I don’t want to stop talking to her. I know that given a few months I will not want her anymore- ever.
Adam ... I tried it. I stopped chasing after emotional and mental support. What happened? We are just roommates. No deep conversation. No emotional support. No mental support 😢
Is there a difference between an avoidant man and an emotionally unavailable man so I know the difference?
Out of every video ive watched, this has been the most helpful. Thank you!!!!
This is one of the most informative channels on attachment styles and how to embrace our partner with his unique style of relating to the world.
Thank you so much, I appreciate your feedback. This means a lot!
How to do this in an ldr? I know he loves me but he has been hurt badly.
He thinks he is not running and he would show up.
And when I stop chasing he feels abandoned!😢
You helped... You informed me, so i can finally understand us and him more, i could relax a bit into the situation, got to work on myself and at the same time got more secure and as result that we getting closer together... He learns what it feels like to be really loved and trust and feel save and i Learn how to be me and also feel save again. We neither experienced real intimacy but between us it comes naturally and it is very special to be so vulnerable with someone
Its a slow proces but that is a good thing a guess.
He told me yesterday that his thoughts where all he had going and since a while his feelings pierce through now and then and those make him think about his usual thoughts 😁. He told me his thoughts and some fears, I am surprised to hear that his thoughts about us are about the future, if we can and will care for eachother, and how to get there etc, I am still in the moment, I love that, never imagined him to think about that's...
Oh sorry, this was going to be a short thank you for helping us but it is again, a bit more..
I can talk for hours about him and I and our story so far, but I will shut up now. 😁👌🏻
Wow!!! This one video has helped me to understand him. This is crazy how on point this is !! I will definitely take your advice thank you.
Adam, thank you for posting these videos. I've been through 2 failed marriages, the second ended earlier this year in my 40s. I'm just now wanting to fix myself to avoid a third in the future and to hopefully end up with my life partner and make better choices with men but I'm also working on healthier boundaries in all areas of my life. I've discovered that I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and I want to continue to work to heal that to become secure. I've made a lot of progress but I'm considering taking your bootcamp course to better my efforts and to better understand how to deal with other avoidant people and friends in my life that mean a great deal to me that I'd like to keep in my life. Thank you for sharing these videos and this information.
I'm always happy to help. I encourage your decision to work on your attachment so that you can finally attract and maintain the relationship you deserve. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you have any questions about The Attachment Bootcamp, or any other questions.
I am in the How to Love an Avoidant Man course. I can say that without question, the skills-including how to get one’s needs met, are priceless. Thank you Adam!
I'm happy to hear you're finding the course helpful. You're so welcome!
I took the course too and it was VERY eye-opening.
You are so 100% on this. So understandable. I'm in this right now. 5 years in this marriage. I don't know how to let this situation go. We're married. We love each other and so much time is squandered. I care so much and want to help him heal because he's worth it. I'm focusing on becoming secure. I'm anxiously attached and doing the work. So I'm working on filling the rest of my life. If this relationship ends, hopefully I'll be secure and won't make the same decisions for the same reasons that I got here. And learn to love myself in the meantime. I'm bonded to him. He's not bonded to me, or won't admit it. So I'm in the wanting to learn how to attract and not chase. Thank you for showing up exactly when I needed this.
I commend your strength and self-awareness. It takes courage to recognize the patterns in your relationship and to actively work on personal growth. How are you balancing your desire to help your partner overcome their attachment issues with your own emotional needs?
@@AttachmentAdam I'm learning emotional discipline and to not dump on him, but to dump other places. I journal, have therapy and and working on becoming secure. I practice grounding, positive self talk and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am also becoming keenly aware of my emotional imbalance because of my anxious attachment style and learning how to recognize the physiological reactions I'm having - acknowledge them and correct my perception of what I need, versus what I am receiving and acknowledging that my husband is giving me what I need in the ways that he knows how and I need to accept it for what it is.
For the other needs I have, I practice leaning into my support system - so I have thought partners in my mom, sister, therapist and journal. The other needs I have, I am learning how to satisfy myself and that I don't need my husband to be my drug dealer. I find other sources that activate the neurotransmitters. I refuse to be toxic to him.
I watched your video on why anxiously attached people are toxic to avoidants and it was terrifying.
My heart hurt. It hurt for not only myself, because I felt slapped, but I also felt extremely self conscious and exposed - although I am not nasty or accusatory at all to him about the things I perceive I am not getting, or my mystery expectations that aren't being met. At the exact same time, I felt extreme empathy and sorrow for what he must have and is experiencing and I completely see why he is exhausted, and why it occurs to me that he doesn't like being married and why he only wants to be free. I also see how that triggers my attachment anxiety and makes me feel like it's me and what am I doing wrong - I get it! crystal clear.
I believe there is a path to our Anxious/Avoidant marriage to be successful because I am committed to doing the work to be secure and we do love each other in the ways that we know how. I realize from your content he is vasopressin bonding/bonded to me but I didn't know what that was or recognize that bonding because it wasn't oxytocin bonding (what I was looking for and expecting - thanks to movies, music and the western romantic paradigm) so I'm adjusting my expectation and realizing his oxytocin is blocked and before he can oxy-bond to me, we have to work on shutting off cortisol, interrupting the dopamine addiction, and the only way we can do that is to give him an environment where he can feel peace and freedom. And I am a huge key to that - my attachment, how I occur to him and partner him.
I really believe your course will help us do all of that - from what you express in your videos.
I'm here for it. (That is a really long answer.)
@@alexiadewald4535 thanks for sharing all of that.
It feels to me like both styles orriginate from trauma and so i feel like everyone needs to adress that first, heal yourself first instead of trying to make a relationship work while both are dealing with this trauma
True, however, we really don’t know how healed we are until we get into a relationship as relationships are triggering.
I’m actually really happy to come across your channel, I’ve been intertwined with an anxious avoidant for the last 4 1/2 yrs and I’m an anxious attachment. We have been going through it with this man. But it never fails when I stop chasing him he comes to me a lot more often than if I chase him, i really thought for a while that he was just a player and had commitment issues. Then i learned about his family and all the things he had endured, it made me sad and I just want him to feel loved and safe with me. Although we’re currently at a distance and not together, I still just want him to know I’m here for him.
Your situation is complex, and it's commendable that you're trying to understand the underlying patterns in your partner and your relationship. Are you two still communicating on some level or have you cut all contact?
I didn't chase mine at all, in fact i gave him as much space as he wanted, and everything still fell apart after about seven months. You just can't win no matter what you do 🤷
That was not what he said.
@@johannakunze3300 he said chasing pushes them further away, and I said I did not chase and it still didn't work out. Rather simple
Brilliant discussion
Excellent Analysis
Thank you Sir
I agree!!
I love your work, and I always love listening to you Adam
Thank you gentlemen
Writing things down frantically and definitely watching this again 😅 thank you 🙏🏻 lots to think about
Taking the time to reflect and revisit can often lead to valuable insights. Glad you found it helpful!🙏❤
@@marik8624 So did you watch again and have implemented what's mentioned here? Can you please let us know the results of implementation? First time watching. Yhank you
@@galitgil-e8wyes, I did watch it again. After few months watching Adam's videos I realized I need to fix my attachment first to be successful in any kind of relationship. I didn't do anything with the avoidant I like, I was too much of a coward because of the past hurt. But if you're in a better situation than me and secure in your attachment, I don't see why these videos wouldn't work. I think they did work on me. I realized my own need and I'm trying to fix it now. Good luck to you 😊🙏🏻
@marik8624 Thank you. Glad to know things are working gor you🤗. I am anxious attached and i have a dismissive avoidant partner. I m feeling desperate about our relationship. It's more of a situationship because of him pulling away, his unwillingness to speak things over, and his emotional unavailabilty. I dont believe in my power to shift my attachement style, it is like a part of my body.
@galitgil-e8w you can grow secure. It just takes time to work things out. I wish you all the best 🌟
I'm here again! Looks like I didn't learn my lesson the last time I was roped back in when they showed they cared then turned off their emotions again!
The cycle continues....
Possibly covert/vulnerable narc.? Idk.
I don't know if it's your looks, your voice, the confidence with which you talk, that you seem like a humorous guy to hang out with, or that what you say makes so much sense, but you are very attractive. Just wanted to point that out. 😅 Thanks for your videos and keep up the good work.
That's a fantastic compliment, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to share that. It means a lot to know my message is resonating and helping people. Thanks again for the support!
i love you, dude
i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship
it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend
G-d bless you and the good work you're doing
Thank you so much for these kinds words, I really appreciate that. You're a good friend for trying to understand and rebuild your connection. Feel free to let me know if you need any help or support!
Why do I feel like I'm becoming an avoidant in the process as well? When you're in a relationship they will rub off on you and vice versa. That's just a given. Most times you don't even know they are an avoidant until after you are fully emotionally invested. It's not healthy at all and I don't like who I'm becoming because of it. I can only control myself and I can only deal with my issues. I can communicate using soft strategies. I can give to myself instead of expecting it from them. I can detach completely for my own sanity. Yet, I can do all of that single.
It sounds like you're able to stay emotionally disciplined in your relationship. You said you don't like who you're becoming because of it - what specific changes are you seeing in yourself that you don't like?
@@AttachmentAdam No I have an anxious attachment style and I'm working on those issues to self regulate. I'm nowhere out of the woods yet. Yet based on everything I've been through, I realized I'm very secure when I'm single and when I'm in a relationship, I slowly become extremely needy especially when I feel him pulling away. I'm working on that part the most right now to remain secure in all of my relationships and stop shutting down myself and pulling away when I get triggered. Not only do I have to reprogram my mind on a lot of things. I need to reprogram my behavior and all of that takes time and healthy communication to protect my relationships with others
Thank you i am in love with an avoident man and i dont know where i stand with him right now. I gave him space since he ghosted me back in sept 2024 and he reached to me dec 2024 we've been talking and all but its hot and cold. I dont chase because I'm scared of him ghosting. And in the past he gave loads of anxiety and i realized that. So i just try to get my hopes of for the same reason. I regulate my feelings for him. And basically listen to you and some stoicism for self help. But i wont deny he is consistently in my mind 😢
Truth! Need to watch it again!
I'm glad you found it valuable!
Wow, these videos are amazing.
This is obviously not an overnight success, but it is possible.
I can see how all these could help in developing a stronger secure relationship with an avoidant overtime.
There is no waste in offering this type of support and love becouse youre also learning how to speak out for your own needs, learn about yourself, learn to regulate yourself better, you learn patience and true empathy.
I dont see how being with an avoidant people is labeled as such a "waste of time" when you GROW as a decent human being so much more then you could ever in another dynamic relationship.
Honestly i think its such a privilege and honour to be able to get an avoidant to feel secure and open up to you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful and optimistic perspective! You're absolutely right-working through the challenges of a relationship with an avoidant partner can lead to incredible personal growth.
It’s not just about helping them feel secure; it’s about what you learn about yourself in the process-how to advocate for your needs, regulate your emotions, and develop deeper empathy and patience.
Can you talk about the phantom ex issue and how to deal with it? Unfortunately this is something I am dealing with with my now ex avoidant partner, he used the comparison of the supposed emotional bond he had with his ex-wife (who became very emotionally abusive) and 1st proper girlfriend (who cheated on him) 😅 for the reason why he's called things off with me despite saying he loves me (just not in the way he thinks he should) and yet never giving us the chance to really build any intimacy.
Thank you for the suggestion. I'll take it into consideration for future videos! Dealing with comparisons to past relationships can be tough. It's important to focus on building your own connection.
@@AttachmentAdam I understand that but it's not really addressed for them in your videos either, and it's something they often don't even realise they're doing or why but it has effects on the current bonds they're trying make.
@@Sporkwoman in same boat. Mine kept blocking me with a wall because he was "cheated on" then pretty much did that to me to get back at her/his mom when all I offered was love. Such cruelty
Thank you for this Adam - but I think you need to change the title to make it clear it is about avoidant men. Now you need to do an equivalent video about avoidant women.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! Understanding attachment styles in both men and women is crucial indeed.
Wow, 5min in amd the way you described anxious attachment actually made me tear up, really got to the heart of it
My avoidant man is experiencing a death of a loved for the first time in his life. Obviously hes not asking for support and when asked, he's always "fine". Can you please give pointera on how to help through this time? I dont want to overwhelm him but i know how hard it is to lose someone and i want to help.
My partner's dad died of stage 4 cancer. I hugged him sometimes and had to give him lots of space. He also said nothing or I'm fine. I'd help cook his meals and make breakfast.However he did act out, not come home, drink more, make rash decisions and was on edge. I had to understand him because I lost my parents as a kid too. It was hard like Adam says, you have to emotionally regulate.
Avoidant people in my life who experienced death of a loved one needed at least 1-2 years to even begin to process the loss. I had to provide tremendous amounts of space. Please take care of yourself and your needs. Lean on friends and hobbies to bring happiness. The avoidant will reach out for closeness when they are ready.
Thank you so much for these tricks it really helps 🙏 Greetings from Switzerland
Found this really helpful. Thank you 😊
So glad it was helpful!😊
My wife is avoidant 😔 i am anxious 🤦🏻♂️ i love her and our kids very much .
Wow I have been told many times that I am diss regulated and over emotional 😔. You nailed it Adam.
You are the one you have been waiting for is an excellent book . I got it and it helped me so much to understand my personal problems in my marriage.
It's great to hear that you've found resources to help you understand your challenges and relationship dynamics. How have you started to apply the insights from the book to your daily interactions with your wife and kids?
Thank you so much. Love your content and rhe way you explain things. Much love and success.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you find the content helpful.
So good!
"Nobody is to blame" is a key guideline to keep in mind.
That's a wise perspective to keep in mind.
This video made me cry. I could relate with every word. Wow. Thank you.
I'm so glad it resonated! Thank you for the support.
You freaking nailed it
Danke!
Good advice, Adam.
Thanks, Nancy. I appreciate your support!
i love you, dude
i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship
it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend
G-d bless you and the good work your doing
You know what. It took me 15 plus years of burying my head in the sand and then working on my self through therapy to finally get my life back on track with the aid of medication.
After watching this video I’ve just learned that I was an Anxiously Avoidant woman. I’m not anymore. What I’m excited for now is to help spread the word, you are going to help so so many people in the future. I hope the next generation will learn from this.
Love your Video , iam an anxious attachement style, and you know what , i need someone with a secure attachment style or also an anxious because it is not worth it to be with an avoidand because i need someone who wants to Communicate who wants to settle down but these kind of people are Not ready and iam Not Waiting for them ❤ i Wait for someone does not put me in anxiety all day sweaty and shiffering , i Wait for the men who gives me the feeling of Comfort, and iam sorry that they have Trauma but it is not my responsability to accept their behavoir
My previous comment is the anxious I’m me jumping to defend what I believe in lol. But I now know my emotion backed responses are ineffective because I can’t slow down to say what I mean and mean what I say.
My intentions are this, in response to the heat he’s getting.
Here’s WHY Adam is set apart from a pond with many other extraordinary and intelligent experts.
When I turned to TH-cam in search for help I needed so desperately. But describing my partner led me straight to Narcissism. I battled my heart and my head because I was so torn with what I was reading and listening to because I knew he wasn’t evil. Then I found Adam where attachment theory LITERALLY was the EXACT thing we were going through.
And neither my ex partner and I are monsters. We just so happen to be THE WORST combination anxious and avoidant both topped with one undiagnosed bpd and an untreated bpd.
So yeah. You’re pretty irreplaceable to your crew!!
Nice summary, thank-you Adam. It is important to be able to see things from the man's viewpoint.
Glad to hear you found this helpful! Was there a specific part of this that made you have an 'a-ha' moment?
Well I guess the one thing I've learned is apparently I'm not an avoidant person because anyone who stops chasing me will see me mirror that treatment and show that I have no interest at all for anyone who lacks enthusiasm for a relationship with me. If you're able to avoid me and not pursue me then that tells me you're not actually interested in me at all and honestly I can't imagine any person who would prefer chasing someone who isn't chasing them back
It's insightful that you've recognized this pattern in yourself. How do you usually communicate your needs and expectations in the earlier relationship stages?
@@AttachmentAdam This is a great question and I guess the best way to answer it is when I'm comfortable I don't hold anything back so there's nothing that doesn't get said. Unfortunately I'm not big on repeating myself cuz childhood didn't allow for it so if I'm not heard actually just try to make the necessary changes for myself to deal with whatever it is. That's if it's just an inconvenience to me if there's a bigger picture issue I will continue to bring it up.
Absolutely love your platform thank you so much.
I love my avoidant deeply
I am textbook, anxious, attachment, style woman I made all the mistakes you brought up . I now have been working on myself. To become the secure, attachment behaviors. And doing well with it I still have long way to go.
This last break up with John is different in the fact that I am not chasing him anymore .. It still has not worked. to store our relationship. But I will continue to move forward.
What if he says: i love you but I will eventually leave, count on it. And I am not intressted in learning a way to keep a relationhsip...
Leave !
I'm sorry but I would take him at his word.
So what do you do while you're not chasing and just waiting for him to come around again? And how long do you wait/what do you do if he's taking too long?