Even in the most humble, polite and gentle words, 😐 if u try to explain to self-absorbed partners about how they r ignoring your existence and thus hurting u, then they will respond by hurting u even more, and blame u further for raising trivial matters. 😐
This is exactly how I feel :'( My husband cares not about anything and anything I want creates a fight to the point it is just me asking all the time. I think he enjoys the power over controlling what I can have and dangling it like a carrot above my head. Keeps me needy and in check. He gets what he wants without asking or planning and making decisions as a couple. I have been so emotionally abused down I am ill mentally and physically to the point I have to rely on him more. Sickening. I feel helpless to get myself out of this horrible marriage. I am at the point of having to choose homelessness or hell...I keep sticking around thinking things will get better and change either in me, him, or us both. I feel like I am the only one that has put any effort out into changing to suit him. Or that I am just imagining stuff...or everything is my fault and happening that way because I am just ill and crazy.
One example of self absorption I've noticed is that when you say something important or something that happened to you they go off and talk about their situation that happened to them or someone they know rather than talk about what happened to say me....
Amen. Recently broke up with boyfriend because of that. The conversation was all about him and when I tried to say something about me it was like talking to a wall and then zip, the conversation was back on himself. SMH.....
@Sadia Sharmeen you aren’t alone. While my husband and mother are warm people they both tune me out when I talk, even though I’m not a big talker, but when I’m on a topic I’m passionate about they space out or go silent. I assume since I’m bipolar perhaps I have a hyperactivity or social awkwardness that is exhausting. I get interrupted often, not sure why but I am working on my communication skills, as since I feel like no one is listening when I talk maybe that’s why they don’t listen. I am watching a lot of videos on emotional self- sufficiency and self reliance to learn to stop seeking validation from others. I am also planning to join a mental health group where I can feel heard. Its a lonely feeling being ignored. Maybe you could try that too. Bless🙏🏾🤗💜✌🏾
This isn't necessarily self absorption..although it can look like it. People who have dismissive avoidant attachment, or are on the spectrum, etc, struggle greatly with emotional intelligence and empathy (which is a piece of emotional intelligence). They often engage in invalidating behaviors...like the example you shared. This is often very unconscious on their part (the invalidation)...they truly "relate" at that level. People with those aforementioned dynamics, have said they thought it was relating to share their story, or someone else's. The way their brain works is that they take the info/details you've shared and their bran scans for similar info. It's not purposeful. It is very frustrating to be on the receiving end...however, once you realize they can't relate to the emotion, feeling, due to their limited emotional intelligence...it's so much less frustrating. It's good information, to not go to those people, when you need to ne deeply heard, and just need someone to hold space for you. They don't have the tools. Of course...there are narcissists too, but I see that WAY over implicated, when actually something else is going on.
@@karenrobargemacon68this I can relate too. I have never encountered someone like this until recently. It literally makes me feel sick at the thought of talking to him now. Going to have to have a real convo to break things off because I can’t deal with this. Thank you for sharing.
Worst part is they dont realize this. My ex-gf would reply with I love myself, If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others. Well bitch you just love yourself thats the problem.
@@brunowario5169 They love ONLY themselves. Talking to them is like talking to a puppet, you can't GET through to them. They're intensely irritating and frustrating!
My former partner would never ask me 'how I am" or any questions about myself. I had to ask him to ask me! He would barely say 'thank you' or 'please.' His self-interest always came first. Anytime, I expressed any intense emotion - he would get angry or take it personal, so I could never have my own feelings! More often than not - he takes everything personal and is either defensive or offended. It has taken me a long time to see that these character defects are his and not mine. I spent years blaming myself, my lack of self confidence, and vulnerabilities. Thank you so much for this video! Is it insightful and very clear. You make sense! I hope other therapist are able to benefit from the tools that you offer.
I'm happy to hear the women that were smart enough to get out within months or years. I am ashamed to say I have put up with it for much longer. It's a form of brainwashing. I hope I have the strength to exit.
This explains so much of my husband’s personality in our relationship. After seven years together, I have finally come to terms with the reality that my husband will never be the type of husband I want. He will never naturally be considerate of me or our kids, and all that time I spent waiting for him to put me and the kids on his list of priorities was really just a waste of time. It’s a really sad realization that I am actually a single mom with a friend who pays some of our bills.
I could have written this, married 7 years too. The hardest part is not being a priority and not having a husband who naturally wants to spend time with us.
It’s maddening to see him in public, intently listening to others, while I’m ignored at home. I’m weary of his “forgetting” most every thing I ask of him and getting snapped at if forget; infrequent as it is.
Thank you! It’s so infuriating to see them with other people, just giving them every inch of attention and livelihood that you deserve. The most frustrating thing ever
I just found this. You make perfect sense! I have been dealing with a friend who I thought was a deep thinking and a nice person. But I am now seeing a different side of her, as if she never grew up. It’s like she was faking having substance before. And it goes without saying, is extremely inconsiderate to say the least.
this is spot on for me. I was in a relationship for 3 years. she is a very independent highly accomplish beautiful woman. as a person she is the best I ever met. but she would do things at a drop of a hat without my opinion or my feelings. we both thought it was she independent. but there was more. the self centered behavior is what I call her family trait. her gram her mom and even her daughter was like that. as time moved on I started confronting her in a nice way and she worked on it. things got so good. it was about us. then she jump right back into it out of nowhere. I was crushed. I stood with her cause this was the only issue I had and I loved her for who she is . all of it. then I got hurt . I couldn't walk from my injury. it seem like I was a burden when I needed her the most. when I confronted her and I was firm about it she rejected me telling me my injury was not attractive and she don't know what she wants. I was silent in my thoughts and knew I was better than that. I'm worth more then to be treated with disrespect. with help I packed my stuff and left. now I don't contact her but she reaches out in her way . its sucks because I care very deeply for her. im not being a slobbering fool. but I wish we could work on things. but I can change ppl so now I feel like I'm in a win win situation. ether after giving her space and she wants to work on it . or she moves on and I don't have to be feeling like I did. heartbreak is still real but I have to love me first.
maybe it is passive aggressive behavior. I ask mine for the tiniest thing and he just keeps "forgetting"...I feel like we're in a boat and I'm the only one rowing, I look back and he's relaxing and asks why I'm tired, stressed, and irritable and I'm like how do you not see?
Rugged Elements Jewelry I’m so sorry. I really understand that. My situation too. And so many things also 🙁. Please remember who you are. And you are special. 😘
I'm male, I'm 52yrs old, and have been with the love of my life for over 7yrs now, yes she will do things that I ask as fast as she can, and I will do the same, But.. asking me to hang out the Huge washing on the line she just did, yes I get moody, but I do it, we makes are very simple creatures, we love you women, but, as long as you say ... Hey Hun thanks for handling the Washing Out, Then we feel good, and more willing to do more, it's stupid I know, but it does work, a little praise goes a long way in A Man's simple mind, But if he just don't do shit round the house, atleast, he a. Bad one, throw him back k.
It's like walking on eggshells when I try to express myself.why when I do this person feel like I'm attacking her always telling me that I'm always blaming them for something when I'm stating nothing but facts.i get tired of hearing the " Me me me" stuff.cant even have one bday mfs think they have the whole month.i can't stand it and I'm gonna end this bs relationship.
Great vid. I feel as though self absorbed individuals are so into themselves to the point that they don’t need me in their lives since it’s all about them. I won’t stick around to be used up and never be appreciated for who I am and what I bring to the table in the relationship.
this is something I needed to hear, I know I wasn't tripping, being with someone like this, I could never be myself, it always turned out to be arguments, wow, I got it now!! thanks for sharing!! 👍👌😉
OH wow, great vid! I told him to stay away. I know he loves me...i feel it but he is just not appreciative of me and it has been wearing me down. I hope he doesn't try to come back soon because he always makes me weak since we are so close then I give in because my heart for him and i want him happy. And i know he is happy with me. i can't keep teaching him though how to make me happy. I need to be happy. So with time apart comes strength though, and get away from the closeness. Until he learns, and if he doesn't, then he deserves to be alone without my amazing love.
Self-absorbed people, esp those in a relationship, are the worst examples of a human being there is. All they care about is their narrow, horse blinders life and care nothing for others.
Being self absorbed often looks like egomania, its stereotype cockiness, the unapologetic manner. The truth is the narcissistic person is one consumed by debilitating fear, with no strength of character or sureness of self. Their existence is in a fog of worry and concern that envelopes them and leaves no space to see others. The self absorbed person is fundamentally lacking self esteem, confidence and compassion for their own being, how could they care for another when they have no ability to self regulate? This video points out how consistent the patterns of behavior and psychology because all narcissistic individuals are at their core equally lacking this hugely vital part of a healthy ego. These people suffer greatly. They have no close intimacy.. no real friends.. and they are capable of realizing they are "wrong" and if you see past the defenses and offensiveness you see a deeply depressed empty person. There is no way to force or manipulate them into an empathetic and secure person. Even if they try, as soon as the direct pressure fades they revert back to self absorbed oblivion because their fear and shame is impassable. This is who they are as a person. It is their core. It would be akin to thinking we could change normal(people who consider others as individuals) into a person who is unable to consider and can not by nature feel for anything other than what we experience. If that makes sense.. it is very sad but true. I was raised by these type of people. I can love my parent and realize that after 50 years , that person loves me too they just can not have the interactions normally expected. Of course it is a spectrum with some milder some more severe. I would agree with the autism correlation as well 1000%. It has helped me to understand these people deeply, they have no concept of borders , it is on the people who interact with them to set theirs and keep them firmly. They do best to evolve if they can at all with definitiveness.. NO! REMOVE your attention. Do not cave to their inherit manipulation.. they do NOT GIVE UP easily. It is horribly draining on the partner who absorbs all of the energy the narcissist obliviates. It is the worst dysfunctional dynamic for interpersonal relationships. Navigating the familal ones is something i choose to do. I have had relationships with ones i spent significant time to see if there was any way to work through it.. there is not, and it is not worth the suffering .. it will only get more miserable. We need more resources like these , breaking down the psychology for our community, therapists doctors.
Not everyone wants to be single forever. The other person may add a lot to your life compared to being alone. The give take dynamic is just off and it may take awhile to see how bad the imbalance is. But staying single forever doesn't seem like a good answer. Certainly not for everyone.
If you are "Dating"a self absorbed person and wanting the relationship to work, then you better worship him to whatever he wants, regardless if it is right or wrong...... Hopefully, he will appreciate you? I doubt it..... Been with a self absorbed person for a year... You can do 100 good, but it only takes one disagreement, then the relationship is very much on the edge.. Run and be strong to walk away if I can......
I just realized I’m inconsiderate last night, and I want to improve bc he has been really patient. All this time I thought it was him, but it wasn’t, it me the entire time. So sad, yet so refreshing to know what the problem was.
I 100% relate to every word with my current relationship. My partner is younger than me. I am 27 and she is 23. Let me be honest, her self centered behaviors are becoming more clear each day. I know in my heart she is not a bad person, but she is just too self absorbed to consider me and my needs are not being met. She does believe she loves and claims she " tries so hard" but this only goes to show that her willing capacity for trying is very limited. At first I felt guilty because I didn't know why I was feeling disconnected and unhappy but day by day becomes more clear. I feel stuck and uncertain how to not lash out and push her away further than I already have. I believe she is capable to learn how to be more aware of how she affects others, but is she really that interested? I'm still trying to figure that out.
Very helpful info. Gives validation for a spouse that has a self absorbed mate. Three years ago, I became seriously ill. My spouse was not only failing to notice, even though it was obvious, he chastised and scolded me for bothering him with it. He became verbally abusive, which only added to the physical pain I was in. Eventually, I had to quit my job. I received life saving surgery after two years of serious intestinal infection that was misdiagnosed by many professionals. When I emerged from my home after recovering, I looked like a concentration camp prisoner just released. I noticed my family and friend's look of shock when they saw me emerge. It was then, because of other's reaction to my appearance, that my husband finally realized how bad my sickness was. He never noticed till then. This had great phycological impact on me.
Cat Whisperer actually this information is very useful. In general, people dont get aware of such disorder unless they encounter one. I was a victim of self absorbed boyfriend and i only know how badly it effects.
Great video. I'm currently with someone like this, so much so that she doesn't understand that there is an issue. Our relationship has been reduced to chores. The 'not a team player' struck home hard when it comes to our girls we are raising. I've often felt like a single parent. She loves them....but love isn't just cuddles and laughs....it's raising your children.
There is an Achilles heel for the self-absorbed partner - ignore them. Go on with your own life and once they see that you have moved on and don't care about their self-centered lifestyle - they will come around to being more considerate. So ignore their ignorance. It's very hard - but It works.
I have used this strategy (ploy?) for 35 years; starting when we first dated. It does work. For about a month in my situation. Then his good intentions disappear while I, once again feel betrayed.
@@annaibrahim2052 you think he would be more considerate after all this time. He's a lost cause and you should probably move on to lead a life away from his.
Ah! What do I do! My girlfriend told me she thought I was “self absorbed and unhappy” and basically everything you laid out verbatim! It’s all true, I never really noticed it until she mentioned it. What do I do exactly? I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen this video either. I don’t want her to feel this way so I’ve been looking for any information to correct it.
these comments are great and they show you're not truly selfish...you're just unaware. as long as you want to improve for your partner, to meet their needs, you're not selfish.
"THEIR OWN AGENDA IS WHAT PREVAILS" These relations are destructive because goals and objectives do not coincide. It like two steering wheels on a car. 2 people moving their wheel in the opposite direction. The car doesn't move forward.. it stalls. one partner may have the fire and determination to achieve their goal but the self absorbed person does not share the same determination. In a relationship boundaries and goals must be defined. There must be agreement on how 2 people feel comfortable in relating to each other, how they will pursue their common goals and how they wish to he treated. If these things are not taken care of there will always be problems.
These types MUST also have dismissive avoidant personalities!! They seek out empathetic individuals to be their ego supplier. Just remember, people are only as good as what they can offer these folks.
I am absolutely stunned at the level of accuracy she had. Everything she describes is exactly as it plays out with my partner. It feels like I am being validated for the very first time that these feelings are real
I am the husband, the self-absorbed spouse. I found the law of entrophy to be a fascinating share. It sounds like something straight out of the Matrix. Thank you for the breakdown--and your calm tone!!
You’re the first video that hasn’t blamed the woman. Thank you. My husband works long hours for 17 years. I never bothered him through the week. The first 5 years his Saturdays were occupied with his brother at the drag racing tracks. His sundays were football or some other activity that didn’t involve. We didn’t date before or after marriage. He did not tell his adult children he got married or even introduced me to them. My adult children knew all about him and that I was getting married. He’s black. I’m white. My kids adored him never having a father. His kids hated me and still do after 17 years. At 69 I think about how hard I worked all my life for this empty marriage to be my finale
my boyfriend is so self-absorbed that we live in apartment complex where you have to have parking permits. He has a permit and I don't cuz I'm not on the lease . He wants his car to be parked in a certain spot due to he doesn't want it parked underneath a tree he doesn't want anybody to hit his car so since I get home early during the day when they're still a good amount of parking spots available he asked me to park my car in the spot so that way when he gets off of work he'll have it mean while I have to park my car in a certain spot which there's not a lot of spots available for me so one night I parked my car in a spot for him but then I had no place to park my car and if I didn't have it parked in the designated area my car could be told so I kept going out looking to see if I can find a spot he never once came out with me then he just told me to leave my car there that it probably will be okay I didn't want not want to run the risk of my car being told I told him I did not have the money to get my car back if it got towed he didn't even offer that if my car got towed he'll pay for it nor did he come outside with me to look for spaces. I took a blanket and he said you really going outside and sit in the car all night I said yeah because I can't afford to have my car towed until he didn't even bother to come outside with me he let me go outside and sit in my car in the dark. Right about now I am just totally pissed and I hate the fact that I just moved in with him because at this point I'm ready to walk away from this relationship I really did not sign up for this. I know I will not park my car and save him a spot anymore since he didn't show me no kind of appreciation or consideration for my car and my safety.
You made perfect sense. You described the answers that I was looking for. What you said was the exact interpretation of what was going on in my marriage. My husband completely disconnected from me and he told me so. He pushed me away. I worked hard and tirelessly for him, our child and the marriage. I was so lonely, I cried myself to sleep every night, headaches, I felt hopeless, I hated 9life (depressed) I still get emotional when I think or talk about it. Then I met another guy who was nice to me, I slept with him, my husband found out and now we are separated, I doubt if my husband will ever be able to forgive me. However, I don't want to fight for the marriage, I want out. But my husband wants me to fight for our marriage and get rid of the other man. I just can't deal with it anymore. Still my husband wants me to accept him for the way he is as he is not willing to change. If I go back, I know that I would be extremely unhappy and he will never still be able to understand my needs. I have to be healthy for my child too. I'm lost.
Divorce your husband. You can't be unhappy forever. If he's unwilling to change, which is the reality and people don't change, move on. Also for your child. Imagine living in a household like that.
Thank you for starting the process for me and my wife for providing me this link . My love and commitment and focus are too often entrapped by my persoal entrapments of a sense of expediency and right and wrong. I look forward to more humility.
My husband doesn't validate my feelings, he always has to be right, and contradicts me in front of our son, so whatever i do i am in the wrong and he gloats and talks down on me. He will even say it is all in my head, i am a bad person and should be lucky he stays with me. I am at the end of my width. I am an introverted person and tend to reflect upon myself, whilst he just loves to hear himself talk. I am so angry and stressed all the time. Please anyone help 😞
I have to add that my work is challenging as I take care of the elderly and I will start a formation to become a nurse soon. I am good at what I do because i take people serious from whatever walk of lifes they come from. But when i come home.. I just feel.. Worthless. And that's hard after a day of giving your all. Being anonymous helps a lot, as I don't know who I can talk to.
Okay… so I just came upon This video, and I know it’s 2 years old but I NEEDED it! I saw this and thought to myself this is SO much like my current relationship. So I’m 23, been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have great times, he makes me laugh and we get each other sooo well. However for the past few years I’ve noticed every time I try and tell him how I’m feeling, even in a positive moment and all I do is try and express my feelings or a time where he may have hurt my feelings I’m in the wrong. I’m always, over-emotional or irrational. In almost every disagreement I end up being somehow responsible. I am always being told I’m the confused one or if I or he remembers something wrong I’m a liar. It’s hard! He can be so critical (of even my friends), and judgmental. Ultimately idk if I can do it anymore, but it’s hard, he knows Me better than anyone else, but I don’t think I’ll ever be equal in his eyes.
For 17 years I have done it all. I cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job, cared for our daughter. It always caused friction while my husband did what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted. Earlier on in our marrige I would challenge him but then I grew weary. 15 years later (2 years ago) he was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer which progressed to stage 4 cancer - incurable. I made him a promise that I would care for him until the end. As of now his cancer is dormant but not in remission yet. Life is even worse than before, I've caught him twice online chatting it up with other women almost borderline emotional cheating, he makes me dish out his meds daily, I change his Ostomy bag like clockwork he has NEVER done it. I'm just fed up, I didn't sign up for this, I deserve respect. I dont know what tl do anymore, he just yells all the time. I'm really at a loss.
Yes check if you are even a beneficiary in his insurance. This is why the younger generation are weary of marriage. What a tool. I'd like to say leave him and tell him if the ladiea he chats with will take care of him just to scare him, what a dbag!
I’ve been with my partner for 6months, she is self absorbed and has a victim mentality. She doesn’t listen or want to understand anything I say. And the relationship is 100% one sided. She doesn’t want to give much. And whenever I express my issues with her, it’s met with manipulation. She makes it about how she’s now hurt and that i ask too much of her. She also doesn’t have any thoughtfulness in day to day things like for example, only laying the table for herself and other things along those lines. These small things also give me an insight as to how self absorbed she is. But now I need to find a way to navigate, because it’s a minefield trying to express myself without causing offence or “attacking” her. Of course no one really wants to hear how they’re selfish, but what do you do?
it's easy to say "just leave". talk to her about the fact that it's getting to that point, maybe she/you both need therapy. if she thinks you ask too much of her then maybe she's just not ready to be in a relationship at all. but if you are, you'll just drain yourself giving to her
Here’s the thing about The Law of Entropy. She was talking about the relationship breaking down. As if the selfish spouse suffers too. Buts it’s much more sinister than that. When this happens it ONLY happens to the neglected spouse. The neglected spouse feels run down and on the verge of disintegration as a result of their partners selfishness. And sure, you can try to make yourself a priority or whatever but for how long? No one is an island. If your spouse is not pouring into you then what is the point of even being married? It’s really to the point where even marriage counselors don’t know what to do because they can’t make the selfish partner change.
Everything you spoke of is exactly what I have been feeling in my marriage for 45 years. The older I get the harder it is for me to tolerate it, as I am simply empty inside. I have spent years believing I have failed or there is something wrong with me because I feel NO emotional connection to this man. In my opinion he is emotionally absent from me and our adult kids. He told me from day one he looks out for #1 first. In his opinion because he does not beat me or hang out at bars after work then to use his words “I have the world by the ass” I describe him as very detached from me and the adult kids emotionally. Yes, I have been so very alone over the last 45 yrs. Thank God I was blessed with 4 great kids, 7 grandchildren and many wonderful friends. He can’t see any purpose in marriage counseling other than it’s a waste of money. I used to have such a zest for life, but , his attitude has killed my spirit. My feelings have not mattered to him. If he is content there is no need to communicate .
This is exactly what i am feeling rn with my current relationship.And I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life but I am so in love with him.What should I do?
From my additional research today, I believe this might stem from undiagnosed autism which is high functioning, but still impactful to everyday life with the ones we love. A nugget to think about! 💕 Great video, thanks for your work and all that you do.
My ex had aspergers and he was selfish. His dad must have had it too. His mom dumped his dad, because he spent all the money on himself. Bought himself fancy cars instead of buying stuff for the kids. I had 3 kids already. He took my son out to the toy store. Kid was 3 years old. He was so happy. LOL he bought a toy for himself. Nothing for the kid. Kid was too small to realize luckily. Too funny.
He takes every attempt at communication as an argument and immediately gets defensive and starts gaslighting me. He's indifferent to my emotions and has told me that when i express almost any emotion it makes him uncomfortable. I literally can't talk to him about anything, he doesn't seem to care when he hurts me. He's told me that I should just let it all go, sweep it under the rug, put on a happy face... I'm so tired.
Thanks Ellyn, I am just at the beginning of integrating couples work into my practice and your approach and thoughts, along with an insightful delivery has supported me in processing some of my own stuff which may have got in the way of targeted intervention. Best wishes, A
I told her " I am sick". She bluntly said " Go to doctor. Whats point in telling me.". Days later she didnt even care to ask what I did. I said "u even dont bother to ask how m i". She is like " I am not a doctor. U r ill. go to doctor". Again second example....i tell her something which bothers me from my office over call. And she would love in between. I say " why r u laughing". She would say" just watching a funny video in facebook". I would say" i thought u were listening". She would say" Yeh i listened. Ur boss scolded u for no fault of urs and something. What can I do about it..so m enjoying facebook video...U keep saying..m listening". She hears...she never listen
Well take her advice. Go to a doctor. Don't go to her anymore. She doesn't care about you. Just leave. Goodness. My ex was sick. I called him to ask how he was doing. I am friendlier to my ex than she is to you.
It's more like come to jesus over and over and over and over to gain a few inches in a few circumstances meanwhile it's backpedaled a mile some other circumstance. It's like the old saying sometimes love just isn't enough. You can have love you can have connection, but without sacrifice and somewhat fair contribution on both ends it just isn't a relationship.
My mom is dying 5000 miles away, I will probably never see her again. My husband is bitching about his dinner. EDIT I wonder if I am the selfish one. EDIT 2 my mom came out of the coma at the 11th hour without hope, miraculously still sound of mind if not in body, I am grateful for the extra time! Wish I could go see her. Hubby has many admirable traits, he works hard at everything he does and has MaD discipline, he has recently taught himself to play guitar and is currently up skilling in his profession. I am a stay at home mom(he pays for everything), and teachers aid while the kids are home schooling. I used to think if I showed empathy I would be shown empathy in return, I was wrong.
I'm married to an away from home work aholic. Monday through Friday he's up and gone early. Come the weekend he's vacant in a different way. He stays in the other room. Looks for excuses to leave the house. Doesn't know the words (how can I help) and prefers to work rather than take his vacation time. Currently I'm caring for my ailing mother who recently had foot surgery and can't walk. He has vacation time and I've begged him to take time off and help me! But. Forger it. He sets a pace for work that forces me to try and keep pace rather than work together
I’ve noticed the single track decision making which comes from The one partner not having sufficient interests and declining others as uninteresting therefore closing the opportunity to enjoy something new together. It’s frustrating.
My boyfriend, Jeff, was jealous of my best friend Jay. I dismissed his feelings and allowed Jay to live in our basement when he became homeless. I explained to Jeff that I couldn’t turn my friend away especially for a boyfriend who doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. I was very lonely and Jay was my rock through all this. Jay passed away about a month ago and now Jeff is treating me worse. I can’t believe he can’t pause his own feelings so that I can grieve my friend. I feel like I’m dead inside, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and now have lost the man I love. Is devistating And I’m so drained that I can’t even muster a smile or a tear even. I have no love in my life and I have a partner who doesn’t care to show me that he cares about me at all. He just blames me for everything and dismisses my feelings
This is my husband! Everything is about him. He never asks me how my day was, helps around the house or help take care of “our” birds. He doesn’t want to do things I want to do. He didn’t help me dig 34 holes to plant a hedge in the front yard ... oh the list goes on and on. He also makes a lot more money than I do and he keeps his money separate and won’t even tell me how much his paychecks are or how much he has in the bank. Even though he makes a lot more money than me, we have to split the bills in half. I work full time and can’t even pay half of everything so my small savings is dwindling, while his savings gets bigger every payday. I also have to pay my own Dr bills. I feel so empty and unloved and overworked and under appreciated. I can’t leave him because I can’t even afford to pay half of the expenses. 😔😖😡
I became increasingly aware as the relationship progressed that I really wasn't part of the relationship. It was about his schedule,his life,my feelings were basically ignored or I was told we'd talk about things when he could better handle it..Which never produced any kind of communication. My life didn't really exist for him,I wasn't part of the equasion just someone there for him.
Chelsey Peterson acknowledgement is first step you can’t change what U don’t relish is a issue. Hopefully you’ll be able to make process now that u know it’s a problem you have
One behaviour I’ve noticed is not taking responsibility to clean up own messes without first leaving ample opportunity for “someone” else to do it….mainly because this is the way the childhood home operated.
My husband, 15 year old daughter, and I visited and toured a historical mansion this weekend. He hates tipping people, but is willing to do it with the general, outside pressure from myself and our 3 daughters (15, 20, 23). He also just feels awkward about the interaction in general. At the end of the tour, he pressured our 15 year old to give the tip money he had pulled out. He did this to avoid his own discomfort. She gave in, but I had asked the tour guide if they accept tips, which she declined. My husband acted like there was something wrong or silly with my daughter for not feeling comfortable to approach the woman to tip her, which is one of those spirit killers he so often hands out. I later explained to my daughter very carefully what was going on and that nothing is wrong with her at all. He is not approachable about these types of things that he does to all of us.
It makes sense.. latest example: today. I found out 6 months ago that he cheated on me before the marriage. I got betrayal ptsd. He said something on his way home that triggered me. I told him. He denied it. Flippantly said he was sorry that I took it that way, and has been a jerk ever since. He’s in treatment, I’m not because he’s using me to stay at home all the time raising his kids. Very very lonely and hopeless.
You have very clearly worded what we couldn’t articulate and explain. Heartening to see someone out there cares to understand! Thank you for sharing this. But how do we go forward?
Your assessment makes perfect sense to me, you've described my feelings of living with my self absorbed husband perfectly..sadly I don't think I could persuade him to sacrifice (never mind take on board the information in the video) for the 12minutes it would take to watch it. At least from watching it, I know I'm 'normal' and not alone in feeling this way..thank you x
Totally makes sense. I felt like no one understood, I have felt lonely for decades and knowing my spouse never wants to interact at anything yet lives without understanding without both of us working on our relationship it won’t last..: Thank you this has given me a hope
Thankyou for your help I feel like crying coz a lot of us our stressed and need simply answeres you used a lot of big words your addressing the public abused people, that are uneducated some of them, I got some help and big hugs ❤️
I cried while watching this. You described my life 100%. My husband had purchased three houses without ever even discussing it with me. I found out quite accidentally and he became mad at me for being upset. We’ve been married 35 years and I am completely without hope. I periodically take antidepressants just so I can numb out.
I’ve been the self absorbed partner in my relationship for the past 6 years. My girlfriend hates that I don’t protect her feelings in the way that I should. It’s because I’m realizing that I care about my own feelings more than hers, and it’s hard to hear her tell me this and I become defensive about it, but it’s true. Throughout our relationship over the years I’ve done things that were in my best interests, not hers and her feelings. I’ve hurt her heart so many times that I fear that our relationship is coming to an end. I should’ve searched for help for myself years ago, but now I’m desperate. I seriously need help because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her. Someone please help me😔.
This makes such perfect and clear sense and you described in it such a clearly well-researched and studied manner, using such undeniable facts, or such obvious connections from one detail to the next (or more so you explain an incredibly complex and confusing scenario that many spend their whole lives often even to attempt to identify what the heck is even going on, let alone dissecting it part by part that builds the concept as a whole, and manage at do so in a way that, as far from simple as it may be, it actually SOUNDS like a simple concept and almost in a way that it would seem to be something so obvious that anyone who understands English over the age of 10 (or even 6, or > depending on the child) would pretty much be able to grasp the idea as a whole just from what you said here.) I am impressed! Eloquently put, as well as humble enough to directly point out the challenging and overwhelming task is that helping couples in this situation can be, rather than acting as if someone with such a broad and total understanding of what 1 selfish partner in a 2 person relationship is like from the perspective of each partner individually & without a hint of bias, which is not easy to do when describing often" less -than-likable" (including personal/unspoken & unfiltered since there is no reason to soften the reality of any motive or fact...no one else can hear your true feelings if you don't say them out loud so it's as raw as it can get), thoughts and intentions of both an "abuser" and their "victim" in 99% of situations without sounding like an inhuman, cold piece of heartless machinery, but ta-literal-da, cause you did just that. Do you write at all, too? Or just focus on TH-cam videos as of so far? Great job, seriously!
If you want to end your marriage be selfish and self centered, but if you want to save your marriage both partner must learn how to give and serve one another.
Weeeeelllllllll, OMG! I have a husband I’ve been with miserably since 1975. I thought seriously about marriage…til death do you part (that was an important issue when I was growing up. I can write a book. I will tell you what is happening now. It never ceases to amaze me. I just had a hysterectomy and now that my daughter is gone and granddaughter. He does not move to help me with anything. No nothing! I will not ask him to, either! I have figured him out. He’s waiting for me to say something, so he can throw something back at me. I have learned to not to depend on anyone else to make me happy. Especially not him. He’s just a person living in the house. He sits with the radio, tv or playing games on his iPad. I am going to church netting new friends. I feel he loves to see me gone. That way he thinks I’m happy and he doesn’t have to feel bad that he don’t have to do anything. That I’m stupid enough to be happy married to a loser, heartless and no empathy person. I am stupid for it, that I have learned what our problem was and is. He even told me one time “well you stayed” I feel I ruined my whole life over a person that didn’t give a hoot at all. So sad no one could help me see that. He always made me fell I’m at fault. I sucked it up because of my childhood. I’ve learned now. I’m 70 now and no use to god for anything else now. Just make myself happy and pray and keep God’s peace! Lonely and hurt, so there had to be some purpose in it. No real love was in my life! I let myself miss the boat. Judy
Oh snap, this seems to be an extremely prevalent and destructive problem, if therapeutic training hasn't grabbed this by the horns, everything make more sense. It's like something unspoken, unidentified, but pops up a lot. When narcissism and sociopathy doesn't exactly fit but this does you can find yourself flailing to identify the leak in the boat and plug it with something proper. It seems like self absorption isn't enough to describe it. I get very self absorbed sometimes, but these key things mentioned aren't really there. I can get depressed, off in my own world, feel very alone, even be oblivious to everything around me. But as soon as there is a need or a crises outside myself, when I see someone else's pain or a real problem I snap out of it, I can push all my self absorption aside and focus in on the need around me. I'm not saying that's healthy it just is what it is. This other kind of self absorption mentioned in the video though, seems to not have that unless the problem or crises involves them, unless it's severe. They can push their self absorption away but not until it's critical to someone's survival and even then it quickly comes back to them. "I feel sad that your severe pain and illness is affecting me so negatively, let's talk about that and fix it for me" while not doing much of anything for the person in the crises after whatever small initial steps are taken. A smaller crises, like let's say emotional pain created by that self absorbed person doesn't register at all until it affects them. I think narcissism light is a great descriptor, because the toxicity doesn't show up as overtly malicious and can easily be missed by a person who cares a lot about others. You can get wrapped up in the self absorbed person's desires and issues and pain and not realize that in itself without any reciprocity is toxic. (At least not right away, because everyone is like this at times, the self absorbed person though is like this all the time). Because it feels like you are taking care of someone, and you are. But they just aren't taking care back in any significant way. They do but it's what they already wanted to do, no real effort or sacrifice, it's whatever makes them feel good to begin with. It's very one sided. And the person might not have any ill will against you at all, they aren't threatened by your success, they don't overtly manipulate you to feel bad to get what they want, they do but it's more by ignoring and subtly dismissing then by actively seeking your demise somehow. They want you to be well and happy they just don't want to sacrifice to put anything toward it, you take care of it on your own, but they want you to sacrifice to an unfair level to help them be happy. It doesn't seem unfair to them, it just seems right and normal. They recognize their rights and needs but yours don't register or count much. When it does its some problem you are supposed to take care of. You are supposed to take care of yourself, all your needs but they don't take care of their own needs. No they need you to help with that. If this hasn't been identified and cataloged well by professionals like other dysfunctional behavior then it's little wonder that the people facing it are like what the hell is going on here. You can tell they are selfish but it doesn't raise the same red flags that an overly abusive person raises. You are like ok I know this is a red flag but I don't know exactly how, nothing in and of itself on its own seems bad. similar to gaslighting but in such a passive way that you can't identify it quickly. It's more by the predominance of the circumstances that you see a problem. I helped them 500 times and they helped me one half or one quarter of one time. Oh that's a problem. (Exaggeration just to underscore the point).
I have a self absorbed fiance,she wants everything right now or she's hateful,barely even acting like she cares, lying constantly being shady and all I get is her"scraps" of affection...I'm lonely
Thank you so much for this video it makes so much sense. I have a friend who I feel is self absorbed. She recently changed a group of 10 ladies lunch plans to fit around her schedule (basically she didn't want to get up too early and be rushing) then cancelled last minute to take her dog to the groomers! Her behaviour really seems to trigger me. I like her but I'm seriously considering ditching this friendship. X
My husband comes home says nothing, turns on tv so loud at all hours of the night, expects you to drop everything immediately if he needs something but takes his time if the tables are turned, is always late and not dependable, and if you disagree with anything he thinks or says he gets angry. It is impossible to discuss anything with him because he just starts attacking.
![[ไฮไลต์] แบดมินตันชาย SHI Yu Qi (จีน) vs วิว กุลวุฒิ (ไทย) รอบ 8 คน | โอลิมปิก 2024](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/f7z7taforOM/mqdefault.jpg)
Even in the most humble, polite and gentle words, 😐 if u try to explain to self-absorbed partners about how they r ignoring your existence and thus hurting u, then they will respond by hurting u even more, and blame u further for raising trivial matters. 😐
True. Happened to me. Couldn't take it anymore. I had to it off cz it was too painful
So! True I can tell
Mine about my 10 hour day. He will say that sounds nice and turns it toward him ;(. It’s Hard
This is exactly how I feel :'( My husband cares not about anything and anything I want creates a fight to the point it is just me asking all the time. I think he enjoys the power over controlling what I can have and dangling it like a carrot above my head. Keeps me needy and in check. He gets what he wants without asking or planning and making decisions as a couple. I have been so emotionally abused down I am ill mentally and physically to the point I have to rely on him more. Sickening. I feel helpless to get myself out of this horrible marriage. I am at the point of having to choose homelessness or hell...I keep sticking around thinking things will get better and change either in me, him, or us both. I feel like I am the only one that has put any effort out into changing to suit him. Or that I am just imagining stuff...or everything is my fault and happening that way because I am just ill and crazy.
😞 yeah. And there are always bs excuses for everything.
So Excruciatingly Painful
One example of self absorption I've noticed is that when you say something important or something that happened to you they go off and talk about their situation that happened to them or someone they know rather than talk about what happened to say me....
Amen. Recently broke up with boyfriend because of that. The conversation was all about him and when I tried to say something about me it was like talking to a wall and then zip, the conversation was back on himself. SMH.....
Nailed it!!!! That's my ex
@Sadia Sharmeen you aren’t alone. While my husband and mother are warm people they both tune me out when I talk, even though I’m not a big talker, but when I’m on a topic I’m passionate about they space out or go silent. I assume since I’m bipolar perhaps I have a hyperactivity or social awkwardness that is exhausting. I get interrupted often, not sure why but I am working on my communication skills, as since I feel like no one is listening when I talk maybe that’s why they don’t listen. I am watching a lot of videos on emotional self- sufficiency and self reliance to learn to stop seeking validation from others. I am also planning to join a mental health group where I can feel heard. Its a lonely feeling being ignored. Maybe you could try that too. Bless🙏🏾🤗💜✌🏾
This isn't necessarily self absorption..although it can look like it.
People who have dismissive avoidant attachment, or are on the spectrum, etc, struggle greatly with emotional intelligence and empathy (which is a piece of emotional intelligence). They often engage in invalidating behaviors...like the example you shared. This is often very unconscious on their part (the invalidation)...they truly "relate" at that level. People with those aforementioned dynamics, have said they thought it was relating to share their story, or someone else's. The way their brain works is that they take the info/details you've shared and their bran scans for similar info. It's not purposeful.
It is very frustrating to be on the receiving end...however, once you realize they can't relate to the emotion, feeling, due to their limited emotional intelligence...it's so much less frustrating. It's good information, to not go to those people, when you need to ne deeply heard, and just need someone to hold space for you. They don't have the tools.
Of course...there are narcissists too, but I see that WAY over implicated, when actually something else is going on.
@@karenrobargemacon68this I can relate too. I have never encountered someone like this until recently. It literally makes me feel sick at the thought of talking to him now. Going to have to have a real convo to break things off because I can’t deal with this. Thank you for sharing.
They're in their own world. No consideration for anyone else. Just a me, myself and I focus.
Worst part is they dont realize this. My ex-gf would reply with I love myself, If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others. Well bitch you just love yourself thats the problem.
@@brunowario5169 They love ONLY themselves. Talking to them is like talking to a puppet, you can't GET through to them. They're intensely irritating and frustrating!
My former partner would never ask me 'how I am" or any questions about myself. I had to ask him to ask me! He would barely say 'thank you' or 'please.' His self-interest always came first. Anytime, I expressed any intense emotion - he would get angry or take it personal, so I could never have my own feelings! More often than not - he takes everything personal and is either defensive or offended. It has taken me a long time to see that these character defects are his and not mine. I spent years blaming myself, my lack of self confidence, and vulnerabilities. Thank you so much for this video! Is it insightful and very clear. You make sense! I hope other therapist are able to benefit from the tools that you offer.
Omg this is me 😭😭😭😭😭😭
DARVO Their response is often Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offended
I feel the way you do. And just today I finally broke up after 7months. I guess this is the right choice
Ah, yes that explains everything. I am litterally going crazy because of this exactly.
I'm happy to hear the women that were smart enough to get out within months or years. I am ashamed to say I have put up with it for much longer. It's a form of brainwashing. I hope I have the strength to exit.
This explains so much of my husband’s personality in our relationship. After seven years together, I have finally come to terms with the reality that my husband will never be the type of husband I want. He will never naturally be considerate of me or our kids, and all that time I spent waiting for him to put me and the kids on his list of priorities was really just a waste of time. It’s a really sad realization that I am actually a single mom with a friend who pays some of our bills.
maclose my life story too
I could have written this, married 7 years too. The hardest part is not being a priority and not having a husband who naturally wants to spend time with us.
You deserve better. I hope you leave him and find happiness either by yourself or with someone else ❤️
Currently going through this myself. I understand you. I'm starting therapy to try to find clarity on what my options are.
I don't have kids but I feel this as well.
It’s maddening to see him in public, intently listening to others, while I’m ignored at home. I’m weary of his “forgetting” most every thing I ask of him and getting snapped at if forget; infrequent as it is.
Thank you! It’s so infuriating to see them with other people, just giving them every inch of attention and livelihood that you deserve. The most frustrating thing ever
I just found this. You make perfect sense! I have been dealing with a friend who I thought was a deep thinking and a nice person. But I am now seeing a different side of her, as if she never grew up. It’s like she was faking having substance before. And it goes without saying, is extremely inconsiderate to say the least.
this is spot on for me. I was in a relationship for 3 years. she is a very independent highly accomplish beautiful woman. as a person she is the best I ever met. but she would do things at a drop of a hat without my opinion or my feelings. we both thought it was she independent. but there was more. the self centered behavior is what I call her family trait. her gram her mom and even her daughter was like that. as time moved on I started confronting her in a nice way and she worked on it. things got so good. it was about us. then she jump right back into it out of nowhere. I was crushed. I stood with her cause this was the only issue I had and I loved her for who she is . all of it. then I got hurt . I couldn't walk from my injury. it seem like I was a burden when I needed her the most. when I confronted her and I was firm about it she rejected me telling me my injury was not attractive and she don't know what she wants. I was silent in my thoughts and knew I was better than that. I'm worth more then to be treated with disrespect. with help I packed my stuff and left. now I don't contact her but she reaches out in her way . its sucks because I care very deeply for her. im not being a slobbering fool. but I wish we could work on things. but I can change ppl so now I feel like I'm in a win win situation. ether after giving her space and she wants to work on it . or she moves on and I don't have to be feeling like I did. heartbreak is still real but I have to love me first.
That takes so much courage to do man. You did the right thing. I’m curious how things played out for you?
thank you..... when he wants me to do something for him, it's done, if I ask him to do anything, well what can I say …...I'm still waiting !
maybe it is passive aggressive behavior. I ask mine for the tiniest thing and he just keeps "forgetting"...I feel like we're in a boat and I'm the only one rowing, I look back and he's relaxing and asks why I'm tired, stressed, and irritable and I'm like how do you not see?
Rugged Elements Jewelry I’m so sorry. I really understand that. My situation too. And so many things also 🙁. Please remember who you are. And you are special. 😘
I'm male, I'm 52yrs old, and have been with the love of my life for over 7yrs now, yes she will do things that I ask as fast as she can, and I will do the same, But.. asking me to hang out the Huge washing on the line she just did, yes I get moody, but I do it, we makes are very simple creatures, we love you women, but, as long as you say ... Hey Hun thanks for handling the Washing Out,
Then we feel good, and more willing to do more, it's stupid I know, but it does work, a little praise goes a long way in A Man's simple mind,
But if he just don't do shit round the house, atleast, he a. Bad one, throw him back k.
Rugged Elements Jewelry story of my life.
Ditto
It's like walking on eggshells when I try to express myself.why when I do this person feel like I'm attacking her always telling me that I'm always blaming them for something when I'm stating nothing but facts.i get tired of hearing the " Me me me" stuff.cant even have one bday mfs think they have the whole month.i can't stand it and I'm gonna end this bs relationship.
Good idea in this case!!
Run and get free, it's all too familiar. Once you get free it's your time to heal and you have the right to heal yourself also to live again.
Great vid. I feel as though self absorbed individuals are so into themselves to the point that they don’t need me in their lives since it’s all about them. I won’t stick around to be used up and never be appreciated for who I am and what I bring to the table in the relationship.
CRL 🎯🎯🎯
this is something I needed to hear, I know I wasn't tripping, being with someone like this, I could never be myself, it always turned out to be arguments, wow, I got it now!! thanks for sharing!! 👍👌😉
Going thru the same shit.!!!!
Iearn to walk away.
I know this video is old but I feel so alone because everyone in my life is self absorbed.
I feel like I just exhaled for the first tine in a long time. I’m not crazy despite how often I’m told I am.
I’m with you on that one..
Everything we do is all about HIM...
Heather tate hm.. in my relationship everything was about her. When I disagreed she could get violent. “Best years of my life” not...
OH wow, great vid! I told him to stay away. I know he loves me...i feel it but he is just not appreciative of me and it has been wearing me down. I hope he doesn't try to come back soon because he always makes me weak since we are so close then I give in because my heart for him and i want him happy. And i know he is happy with me. i can't keep teaching him though how to make me happy. I need to be happy. So with time apart comes strength though, and get away from the closeness. Until he learns, and if he doesn't, then he deserves to be alone without my amazing love.
Self-absorbed people, esp those in a relationship, are the worst examples of a human being there is. All they care about is their narrow, horse blinders life and care nothing for others.
Being self absorbed often looks like egomania, its stereotype cockiness, the unapologetic manner. The truth is the narcissistic person is one consumed by debilitating fear, with no strength of character or sureness of self. Their existence is in a fog of worry and concern that envelopes them and leaves no space to see others. The self absorbed person is fundamentally lacking self esteem, confidence and compassion for their own being, how could they care for another when they have no ability to self regulate? This video points out how consistent the patterns of behavior and psychology because all narcissistic individuals are at their core equally lacking this hugely vital part of a healthy ego. These people suffer greatly. They have no close intimacy.. no real friends.. and they are capable of realizing they are "wrong" and if you see past the defenses and offensiveness you see a deeply depressed empty person.
There is no way to force or manipulate them into an empathetic and secure person. Even if they try, as soon as the direct pressure fades they revert back to self absorbed oblivion because their fear and shame is impassable. This is who they are as a person. It is their core. It would be akin to thinking we could change normal(people who consider others as individuals) into a person who is unable to consider and can not by nature feel for anything other than what we experience. If that makes sense.. it is very sad but true.
I was raised by these type of people. I can love my parent and realize that after 50 years , that person loves me too they just can not have the interactions normally expected. Of course it is a spectrum with some milder some more severe. I would agree with the autism correlation as well 1000%.
It has helped me to understand these people deeply, they have no concept of borders , it is on the people who interact with them to set theirs and keep them firmly. They do best to evolve if they can at all with definitiveness.. NO! REMOVE your attention. Do not cave to their inherit manipulation.. they do NOT GIVE UP easily. It is horribly draining on the partner who absorbs all of the energy the narcissist obliviates. It is the worst dysfunctional dynamic for interpersonal relationships. Navigating the familal ones is something i choose to do. I have had relationships with ones i spent significant time to see if there was any way to work through it.. there is not, and it is not worth the suffering .. it will only get more miserable.
We need more resources like these , breaking down the psychology for our community, therapists doctors.
being single solves all these dilemmas...why do folk feel they need someone else for fulfillment?
Wah thays deep
On a daily basis I have that same thought about myself.
Not everyone wants to be single forever. The other person may add a lot to your life compared to being alone. The give take dynamic is just off and it may take awhile to see how bad the imbalance is. But staying single forever doesn't seem like a good answer. Certainly not for everyone.
Also you can find a partner who is not self absorbed.
@@marleyofficialmedia a rarity....
If you are "Dating"a self absorbed person and wanting the relationship to work, then you better worship him to whatever he wants, regardless if it is right or wrong......
Hopefully, he will appreciate you?
I doubt it.....
Been with a self absorbed person for a year... You can do 100 good, but it only takes one disagreement, then the relationship is very much on the edge..
Run and be strong to walk away if I can......
Yeah they're seldom worth the hassle. It's draining and 1 sided and if you love yourself, you end up feeling burnt out.
Agree with you. You do 100 good things for them, they will take it without any appreciation, do one bad thing and you're out my friend.
No thanks! I rather find a new man who worships ME.
I just realized I’m inconsiderate last night, and I want to improve bc he has been really patient. All this time I thought it was him, but it wasn’t, it me the entire time. So sad, yet so refreshing to know what the problem was.
@@brunowario5169 wow, this is so true. I’ve done this not even knowing 😔
I 100% relate to every word with my current relationship.
My partner is younger than me. I am 27 and she is 23. Let me be honest, her self centered behaviors are becoming more clear each day. I know in my heart she is not a bad person, but she is just too self absorbed to consider me and my needs are not being met.
She does believe she loves and claims she " tries so hard" but this only goes to show that her willing capacity for trying is very limited.
At first I felt guilty because I didn't know why I was feeling disconnected and unhappy but day by day becomes more clear. I feel stuck and uncertain how to not lash out and push her away further than I already have. I believe she is capable to learn how to be more aware of how she affects others, but is she really that interested? I'm still trying to figure that out.
You have to walk away or prepare for a lifetime of that treatment.
Any discussion about my feelings are thrown back at me as "controlling" Though he does what he wants to, whenever he wants to.
I think some of self-absorption is about control. Most of my clients are married women whose husbands require a walk on eggshells to please them.
Very helpful info. Gives validation for a spouse that has a self absorbed mate. Three years ago, I became seriously ill. My spouse was not only failing to notice, even though it was obvious, he chastised and scolded me for bothering him with it. He became verbally abusive, which only added to the physical pain I was in. Eventually, I had to quit my job. I received life saving surgery after two years of serious intestinal infection that was misdiagnosed by many professionals. When I emerged from my home after recovering, I looked like a concentration camp prisoner just released. I noticed my family and friend's look of shock when they saw me emerge. It was then, because of other's reaction to my appearance, that my husband finally realized how bad my sickness was. He never noticed till then. This had great phycological impact on me.
Cat Whisperer actually this information is very useful. In general, people dont get aware of such disorder unless they encounter one. I was a victim of self absorbed boyfriend and i only know how badly it effects.
Get well and ditch this man
i hope you're better now, physically and mentally and emotionally. you deserve someone who will love you the way you love them
Great video. I'm currently with someone like this, so much so that she doesn't understand that there is an issue. Our relationship has been reduced to chores. The 'not a team player' struck home hard when it comes to our girls we are raising. I've often felt like a single parent. She loves them....but love isn't just cuddles and laughs....it's raising your children.
There is an Achilles heel for the self-absorbed partner - ignore them. Go on with your own life and once they see that you have moved on and don't care about their self-centered lifestyle - they will come around to being more considerate. So ignore their ignorance. It's very hard - but It works.
It is very hard
I was just thinking I need to do this. I’ve tried before and he just seems to do his own thing and want the minimum from me.
I have used this strategy (ploy?) for 35 years; starting when we first dated. It does work. For about a month in my situation. Then his good intentions disappear while I, once again feel betrayed.
@@annaibrahim2052 you think he would be more considerate after all this time. He's a lost cause and you should probably move on to lead a life away from his.
Spot on to my issues with my husband and not wanting to communicate or sympathize are a couple traits
I do not know my problem, until i saw this video 😔
the self-absorbed have a lop-sided focus on getting vs. giving.
When I told my husband I was being bullied at work, he didn't even put his newspaper down and just said " you're intelligent, you deal with it"
Im sorry you have to go through this honey. Especially being married to someone who doesn't see your beautiful light😘
Ah! What do I do! My girlfriend told me she thought I was “self absorbed and unhappy” and basically everything you laid out verbatim! It’s all true, I never really noticed it until she mentioned it. What do I do exactly? I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen this video either. I don’t want her to feel this way so I’ve been looking for any information to correct it.
So sweet. My partner said the same thing to me last night now I want to improve also
So glad you guys are aware and looking for change. I just broke up with my self-absorbed bf. Such a draining relationship, omg.
Man, this happen to me 10 minutes ago. That brought me to this video
these comments are great and they show you're not truly selfish...you're just unaware. as long as you want to improve for your partner, to meet their needs, you're not selfish.
"THEIR OWN AGENDA IS WHAT PREVAILS"
These relations are destructive because goals and objectives do not coincide. It like two steering wheels on a car. 2 people moving their wheel in the opposite direction. The car doesn't move forward.. it stalls.
one partner may have the fire and determination to achieve their goal but the self absorbed person does not share the same determination. In a relationship boundaries and goals must be defined. There must be agreement on how 2 people feel comfortable in relating to each other, how they will pursue their common goals and how they wish to he treated. If these things are not taken care of there will always be problems.
These types MUST also have dismissive avoidant personalities!! They seek out empathetic individuals to be their ego supplier. Just remember, people are only as good as what they can offer these folks.
I am absolutely stunned at the level of accuracy she had. Everything she describes is exactly as it plays out with my partner. It feels like I am being validated for the very first time that these feelings are real
Your Father instilled very valuable
morals, no doubt he is proud of what a powerhouse you are. 🌞
Yes. What a beautiful being and great dad.
I am the husband, the self-absorbed spouse. I found the law of entrophy to be a fascinating share. It sounds like something straight out of the Matrix. Thank you for the breakdown--and your calm tone!!
The very 2nd that I mentioned to my girlfriend that she Is self absorbed, She's gonna go completely off the rails lol
At least she is your girlfriend. I am dealing with a wife like this and she is absolute cookie that is cut from this self absorbed cookie cutter
Lol that’s how I’m feeling about how my boyfriend is gonna react rn
I really just want to be single forever 🥺 I can't take anymore.
Ohhhhhh......I feel you....I am the happiest ever since I left....it's awesome....just my kids and I....ohhhh....it's the best thing ever!!
You’re the first video that hasn’t blamed the woman. Thank you. My husband works long hours for 17 years. I never bothered him through the week. The first 5 years his Saturdays were occupied with his brother at the drag racing tracks. His sundays were football or some other activity that didn’t involve. We didn’t date before or after marriage. He did not tell his adult children he got married or even introduced me to them. My adult children knew all about him and that I was getting married. He’s black. I’m white. My kids adored him never having a father. His kids hated me and still do after 17 years. At 69 I think about how hard I worked all my life for this empty marriage to be my finale
my boyfriend is so self-absorbed that we live in apartment complex where you have to have parking permits. He has a permit and I don't cuz I'm not on the lease . He wants his car to be parked in a certain spot due to he doesn't want it parked underneath a tree he doesn't want anybody to hit his car so since I get home early during the day when they're still a good amount of parking spots available he asked me to park my car in the spot so that way when he gets off of work he'll have it mean while I have to park my car in a certain spot which there's not a lot of spots available for me so one night I parked my car in a spot for him but then I had no place to park my car and if I didn't have it parked in the designated area my car could be told so I kept going out looking to see if I can find a spot he never once came out with me then he just told me to leave my car there that it probably will be okay I didn't want not want to run the risk of my car being told I told him I did not have the money to get my car back if it got towed he didn't even offer that if my car got towed he'll pay for it nor did he come outside with me to look for spaces. I took a blanket and he said you really going outside and sit in the car all night I said yeah because I can't afford to have my car towed until he didn't even bother to come outside with me he let me go outside and sit in my car in the dark. Right about now I am just totally pissed and I hate the fact that I just moved in with him because at this point I'm ready to walk away from this relationship I really did not sign up for this. I know I will not park my car and save him a spot anymore since he didn't show me no kind of appreciation or consideration for my car and my safety.
I hope you left
Leave stat! While you can and good thing you're not on the lease.
@@nk7595 yes I did
@@Langley_Ackerman19 Yes I left. And a voice told me not to get on the lease
You made perfect sense.
You described the answers that I was looking for. What you said was the exact interpretation of what was going on in my marriage. My husband completely disconnected from me and he told me so. He pushed me away. I worked hard and tirelessly for him, our child and the marriage. I was so lonely, I cried myself to sleep every night, headaches, I felt hopeless, I hated 9life (depressed) I still get emotional when I think or talk about it. Then I met another guy who was nice to me, I slept with him, my husband found out and now we are separated, I doubt if my husband will ever be able to forgive me. However, I don't want to fight for the marriage, I want out. But my husband wants me to fight for our marriage and get rid of the other man. I just can't deal with it anymore. Still my husband wants me to accept him for the way he is as he is not willing to change. If I go back, I know that I would be extremely unhappy and he will never still be able to understand my needs. I have to be healthy for my child too. I'm lost.
Divorce your husband. You can't be unhappy forever. If he's unwilling to change, which is the reality and people don't change, move on. Also for your child. Imagine living in a household like that.
This was exactly what I needed to hear! Makes perfect sense
Thank you for starting the process for me and my wife for providing me this link . My love and commitment and focus are too often entrapped by my persoal entrapments of a sense of expediency and right and wrong. I look forward to more humility.
My husband doesn't validate my feelings, he always has to be right, and contradicts me in front of our son, so whatever i do i am in the wrong and he gloats and talks down on me. He will even say it is all in my head, i am a bad person and should be lucky he stays with me. I am at the end of my width. I am an introverted person and tend to reflect upon myself, whilst he just loves to hear himself talk. I am so angry and stressed all the time. Please anyone help 😞
I have to add that my work is challenging as I take care of the elderly and I will start a formation to become a nurse soon. I am good at what I do because i take people serious from whatever walk of lifes they come from. But when i come home.. I just feel.. Worthless. And that's hard after a day of giving your all. Being anonymous helps a lot, as I don't know who I can talk to.
Okay… so I just came upon This video, and I know it’s 2 years old but I NEEDED it! I saw this and thought to myself this is SO much like my current relationship. So I’m 23, been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have great times, he makes me laugh and we get each other sooo well. However for the past few years I’ve noticed every time I try and tell him how I’m feeling, even in a positive moment and all I do is try and express my feelings or a time where he may have hurt my feelings I’m in the wrong. I’m always, over-emotional or irrational. In almost every disagreement I end up being somehow responsible. I am always being told I’m the confused one or if I or he remembers something wrong I’m a liar. It’s hard! He can be so critical (of even my friends), and judgmental. Ultimately idk if I can do it anymore, but it’s hard, he knows
Me better than anyone else, but I don’t think I’ll ever be equal in his eyes.
For 17 years I have done it all. I cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job, cared for our daughter. It always caused friction while my husband did what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted. Earlier on in our marrige I would challenge him but then I grew weary. 15 years later (2 years ago) he was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer which progressed to stage 4 cancer - incurable. I made him a promise that I would care for him until the end. As of now his cancer is dormant but not in remission yet. Life is even worse than before, I've caught him twice online chatting it up with other women almost borderline emotional cheating, he makes me dish out his meds daily, I change his Ostomy bag like clockwork he has NEVER done it. I'm just fed up, I didn't sign up for this, I deserve respect. I dont know what tl do anymore, he just yells all the time. I'm really at a loss.
Is he dead yet? If not, make sure to check who the beneficiary is for any insurance, pension etc. Shocking how some of these cretins see things.
Yes check if you are even a beneficiary in his insurance. This is why the younger generation are weary of marriage. What a tool. I'd like to say leave him and tell him if the ladiea he chats with will take care of him just to scare him, what a dbag!
Any update?
I’ve been with my partner for 6months, she is self absorbed and has a victim mentality. She doesn’t listen or want to understand anything I say. And the relationship is 100% one sided. She doesn’t want to give much. And whenever I express my issues with her, it’s met with manipulation. She makes it about how she’s now hurt and that i ask too much of her. She also doesn’t have any thoughtfulness in day to day things like for example, only laying the table for herself and other things along those lines. These small things also give me an insight as to how self absorbed she is. But now I need to find a way to navigate, because it’s a minefield trying to express myself without causing offence or “attacking” her. Of course no one really wants to hear how they’re selfish, but what do you do?
Move on and find someone else. At least you're not married and have been together a short period of time.
Bad news is she ain't gonna change. Move on like the person said below.
I hope you left. I wish I saw signs that earlier. 😕
it's easy to say "just leave". talk to her about the fact that it's getting to that point, maybe she/you both need therapy. if she thinks you ask too much of her then maybe she's just not ready to be in a relationship at all. but if you are, you'll just drain yourself giving to her
Here’s the thing about The Law of Entropy. She was talking about the relationship breaking down. As if the selfish spouse suffers too. Buts it’s much more sinister than that. When this happens it ONLY happens to the neglected spouse. The neglected spouse feels run down and on the verge of disintegration as a result of their partners selfishness. And sure, you can try to make yourself a priority or whatever but for how long? No one is an island. If your spouse is not pouring into you then what is the point of even being married? It’s really to the point where even marriage counselors don’t know what to do because they can’t make the selfish partner change.
A great training film for therapists and something for couples to think about regarding their own relationships!
Everything you spoke of is exactly what I have been feeling in my marriage for 45 years.
The older I get the harder it is for me to tolerate it, as I am simply empty inside. I have spent years believing I have failed or there is something wrong with me because I feel NO emotional connection to this man. In my opinion he is emotionally absent from me and our adult kids.
He told me from day one he looks out for #1 first. In his opinion because he does not beat me or hang out at bars after work then to use his words “I have the world by the ass”
I describe him as very detached from me and the adult kids emotionally. Yes, I have been so very alone over the last 45 yrs. Thank God I was blessed with 4 great kids, 7 grandchildren and many wonderful friends. He can’t see any purpose in marriage counseling other than it’s a waste of money.
I used to have such a zest for life, but , his attitude has killed my spirit. My feelings have not mattered to him. If he is content there is no need to communicate .
This is exactly what i am feeling rn with my current relationship.And I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life but I am so in love with him.What should I do?
Omg please divorce!!!
I had a father like this
From my additional research today, I believe this might stem from undiagnosed autism which is high functioning, but still impactful to everyday life with the ones we love. A nugget to think about! 💕 Great video, thanks for your work and all that you do.
What about Asperger syndromes
My ex had aspergers and he was selfish. His dad must have had it too. His mom dumped his dad, because he spent all the money on himself. Bought himself fancy cars instead of buying stuff for the kids. I had 3 kids already. He took my son out to the toy store. Kid was 3 years old. He was so happy. LOL he bought a toy for himself. Nothing for the kid. Kid was too small to realize luckily. Too funny.
Maybe sometimes. People who grew up without siblings display this behavior a lot as well.
He takes every attempt at communication as an argument and immediately gets defensive and starts gaslighting me. He's indifferent to my emotions and has told me that when i express almost any emotion it makes him uncomfortable. I literally can't talk to him about anything, he doesn't seem to care when he hurts me. He's told me that I should just let it all go, sweep it under the rug, put on a happy face... I'm so tired.
You do make sense.... a lot of sense. I look forward to hearing more of your information
Thanks Ellyn, I am just at the beginning of integrating couples work into my practice and your approach and thoughts, along with an insightful delivery has supported me in processing some of my own stuff which may have got in the way of targeted intervention. Best wishes, A
Love your videos on this topic.
I want to be someone with presence and respect. That is why I'm here.
You said it best, can't wait to watch more from you.
I told her " I am sick". She bluntly said " Go to doctor. Whats point in telling me.". Days later she didnt even care to ask what I did. I said "u even dont bother to ask how m i". She is like " I am not a doctor. U r ill. go to doctor". Again second example....i tell her something which bothers me from my office over call. And she would love in between. I say " why r u laughing". She would say" just watching a funny video in facebook". I would say" i thought u were listening". She would say" Yeh i listened. Ur boss scolded u for no fault of urs and something. What can I do about it..so m enjoying facebook video...U keep saying..m listening". She hears...she never listen
Well take her advice. Go to a doctor. Don't go to her anymore. She doesn't care about you. Just leave. Goodness. My ex was sick. I called him to ask how he was doing. I am friendlier to my ex than she is to you.
Nobody needs to TRY and make these people have a come to Jesus moment. They won’t! Leave them. period!
Stephanie Fink lol 😂
It's more like come to jesus over and over and over and over to gain a few inches in a few circumstances meanwhile it's backpedaled a mile some other circumstance.
It's like the old saying sometimes love just isn't enough. You can have love you can have connection, but without sacrifice and somewhat fair contribution on both ends it just isn't a relationship.
wow... so good to see this, thank you a lot!
My mom is dying 5000 miles away, I will probably never see her again. My husband is bitching about his dinner.
EDIT I wonder if I am the selfish one.
EDIT 2 my mom came out of the coma at the 11th hour without hope, miraculously still sound of mind if not in body, I am grateful for the extra time! Wish I could go see her. Hubby has many admirable traits, he works hard at everything he does and has MaD discipline, he has recently taught himself to play guitar and is currently up skilling in his profession. I am a stay at home mom(he pays for everything), and teachers aid while the kids are home schooling. I used to think if I showed empathy I would be shown empathy in return, I was wrong.
I’m sorry for you !!!
Very precise explanations, thank you for sharing this!
I'm married to an away from home work aholic. Monday through Friday he's up and gone early. Come the weekend he's vacant in a different way. He stays in the other room. Looks for excuses to leave the house. Doesn't know the words (how can I help) and prefers to work rather than take his vacation time. Currently I'm caring for my ailing mother who recently had foot surgery and can't walk. He has vacation time and I've begged him to take time off and help me! But. Forger it. He sets a pace for work that forces me to try and keep pace rather than work together
Such an important topic...i have experienced it. Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing you knowledge.
I’ve noticed the single track decision making which comes from
The one partner not having sufficient interests and declining others as uninteresting therefore closing the opportunity to enjoy something new together. It’s frustrating.
My boyfriend, Jeff, was jealous of my best friend Jay. I dismissed his feelings and allowed Jay to live in our basement when he became homeless. I explained to Jeff that I couldn’t turn my friend away especially for a boyfriend who doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. I was very lonely and Jay was my rock through all this. Jay passed away about a month ago and now Jeff is treating me worse. I can’t believe he can’t pause his own feelings so that I can grieve my friend. I feel like I’m dead inside, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and now have lost the man I love. Is devistating And I’m so drained that I can’t even muster a smile or a tear even. I have no love in my life and I have a partner who doesn’t care to show me that he cares about me at all. He just blames me for everything and dismisses my feelings
This is my husband! Everything is about him. He never asks me how my day was, helps around the house or help take care of “our” birds. He doesn’t want to do things I want to do. He didn’t help me dig 34 holes to plant a hedge in the front yard ... oh the list goes on and on. He also makes a lot more money than I do and he keeps his money separate and won’t even tell me how much his paychecks are or how much he has in the bank. Even though he makes a lot more money than me, we have to split the bills in half. I work full time and can’t even pay half of everything so my small savings is dwindling, while his savings gets bigger every payday. I also have to pay my own Dr bills. I feel so empty and unloved and overworked and under appreciated. I can’t leave him because I can’t even afford to pay half of the expenses. 😔😖😡
I also have to walk on eggshells around him because he gets upset over the least little thing and won’t speak to me for days.
Stop abusing yourself. Have the courage to choose YOU
That's not a marriage. He's walking all over you.
You'd probably do pretty good in a divorce.
I became increasingly aware as the relationship progressed that I really wasn't part of the relationship. It was about his schedule,his life,my feelings were basically ignored or I was told we'd talk about things when he could better handle it..Which never produced any kind of communication. My life didn't really exist for him,I wasn't part of the equasion just someone there for him.
I'm the self absorbed half of the couple, so much so that I've lost him. I can't live the rest of my life being this type of person!
What made u realize u were and want to change? I need help cause expressing my feeling no matter how bad isnt enough
Chelsey Peterson acknowledgement is first step you can’t change what U don’t relish is a issue. Hopefully you’ll be able to make process now that u know it’s a problem you have
Wow. Such honesty.
Me too. I want to change it.
Are you sure you are though? If you were self absorbed I don't think you would be here caring about trying to be a better person to other people?
One behaviour I’ve noticed is not taking responsibility to clean up own messes without first leaving ample opportunity for “someone” else to do it….mainly because this is the way the childhood home operated.
My husband, 15 year old daughter, and I visited and toured a historical mansion this weekend. He hates tipping people, but is willing to do it with the general, outside pressure from myself and our 3 daughters (15, 20, 23). He also just feels awkward about the interaction in general. At the end of the tour, he pressured our 15 year old to give the tip money he had pulled out. He did this to avoid his own discomfort. She gave in, but I had asked the tour guide if they accept tips, which she declined. My husband acted like there was something wrong or silly with my daughter for not feeling comfortable to approach the woman to tip her, which is one of those spirit killers he so often hands out. I later explained to my daughter very carefully what was going on and that nothing is wrong with her at all. He is not approachable about these types of things that he does to all of us.
It makes sense.. latest example: today. I found out 6 months ago that he cheated on me before the marriage. I got betrayal ptsd. He said something on his way home that triggered me. I told him. He denied it. Flippantly said he was sorry that I took it that way, and has been a jerk ever since. He’s in treatment, I’m not because he’s using me to stay at home all the time raising his kids. Very very lonely and hopeless.
You have very clearly worded what we couldn’t articulate and explain. Heartening to see someone out there cares to understand! Thank you for sharing this. But how do we go forward?
Your assessment makes perfect sense to me, you've described my feelings of living with my self absorbed husband perfectly..sadly I don't think I could persuade him to sacrifice (never mind take on board the information in the video) for the 12minutes it would take to watch it. At least from watching it, I know I'm 'normal' and not alone in feeling this way..thank you x
Totally makes sense. I felt like no one understood, I have felt lonely for decades and knowing my spouse never wants to interact at anything yet lives without understanding without both of us working on our relationship it won’t last..: Thank you this has given me a hope
obsessed with one self....not self-aware
Thankyou for your help I feel like crying coz a lot of us our stressed and need simply answeres you used a lot of big words your addressing the public abused people, that are uneducated some of them, I got some help and big hugs ❤️
I cried while watching this. You described my life 100%. My husband had purchased three houses without ever even discussing it with me. I found out quite accidentally and he became mad at me for being upset. We’ve been married 35 years and I am completely without hope. I periodically take antidepressants just so I can numb out.
I look forward to learning more. Scary to realize the degree that it’s in my own marriage.
I’ve been the self absorbed partner in my relationship for the past 6 years. My girlfriend hates that I don’t protect her feelings in the way that I should. It’s because I’m realizing that I care about my own feelings more than hers, and it’s hard to hear her tell me this and I become defensive about it, but it’s true. Throughout our relationship over the years I’ve done things that were in my best interests, not hers and her feelings. I’ve hurt her heart so many times that I fear that our relationship is coming to an end. I should’ve searched for help for myself years ago, but now I’m desperate. I seriously need help because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her. Someone please help me😔.
Your girlfriend has low self esteem. That’s why she hasn’t left your selfish ass
Go to therapy
This makes such perfect and clear sense and you described in it such a clearly well-researched and studied manner, using such undeniable facts, or such obvious connections from one detail to the next (or more so you explain an incredibly complex and confusing scenario that many spend their whole lives often even to attempt to identify what the heck is even going on, let alone dissecting it part by part that builds the concept as a whole, and manage at do so in a way that, as far from simple as it may be, it actually SOUNDS like a simple concept and almost in a way that it would seem to be something so obvious that anyone who understands English over the age of 10 (or even 6, or > depending on the child) would pretty much be able to grasp the idea as a whole just from what you said here.) I am impressed! Eloquently put, as well as humble enough to directly point out the challenging and overwhelming task is that helping couples in this situation can be, rather than acting as if someone with such a broad and total understanding of what 1 selfish partner in a 2 person relationship is like from the perspective of each partner individually & without a hint of bias, which is not easy to do when describing often" less -than-likable" (including personal/unspoken & unfiltered since there is no reason to soften the reality of any motive or fact...no one else can hear your true feelings if you don't say them out loud so it's as raw as it can get), thoughts and intentions of both an "abuser" and their "victim" in 99% of situations without sounding like an inhuman, cold piece of heartless machinery, but ta-literal-da, cause you did just that. Do you write at all, too? Or just focus on TH-cam videos as of so far?
Great job, seriously!
We all know the people going through this every word this lady said it's on point
If your partner is self centered they best you can do is break up with him or her.
I completely agree with this! I can totally relate.
If you want to end your marriage be selfish and self centered, but if you want to save your marriage both partner must learn how to give and serve one another.
Amen!
Weeeeelllllllll, OMG!
I have a husband I’ve been with miserably since 1975.
I thought seriously about marriage…til death do you part (that was an important issue when I was growing up.
I can write a book. I will tell you what is happening now. It never ceases to amaze me. I just had a hysterectomy and now that my daughter is gone and granddaughter. He does not move to help me with anything. No nothing! I will not ask him to, either! I have figured him out. He’s waiting for me to say something, so he can throw something back at me.
I have learned to not to depend on anyone else to make me happy. Especially not him. He’s just a person living in the house. He sits with the radio, tv or playing games on his iPad. I am going to church netting new friends. I feel he loves to see me gone. That way he thinks I’m happy and he doesn’t have to feel bad that he don’t have to do anything. That I’m stupid enough to be happy married to a loser, heartless
and no empathy person. I am stupid for it, that I have learned what our problem was and is. He even told me one time “well you stayed”
I feel I ruined my whole life over a person that didn’t give a hoot at all. So sad no one could help me see that. He always made me fell I’m at fault. I sucked it up because of my childhood. I’ve learned now. I’m 70 now and no use to god for anything else now. Just make myself happy and pray and keep God’s peace!
Lonely and hurt, so there had to be some purpose in it. No real love was in my life! I let myself miss the boat.
Judy
You make a lot of sense...
U said exactly my thoughts n feelings we r in our 70s n I love him very much that I can’t turn away from him
Yes you’re making complete sense.
Oh snap, this seems to be an extremely prevalent and destructive problem, if therapeutic training hasn't grabbed this by the horns, everything make more sense. It's like something unspoken, unidentified, but pops up a lot.
When narcissism and sociopathy doesn't exactly fit but this does you can find yourself flailing to identify the leak in the boat and plug it with something proper. It seems like self absorption isn't enough to describe it.
I get very self absorbed sometimes, but these key things mentioned aren't really there.
I can get depressed, off in my own world, feel very alone, even be oblivious to everything around me. But as soon as there is a need or a crises outside myself, when I see someone else's pain or a real problem I snap out of it, I can push all my self absorption aside and focus in on the need around me. I'm not saying that's healthy it just is what it is.
This other kind of self absorption mentioned in the video though, seems to not have that unless the problem or crises involves them, unless it's severe. They can push their self absorption away but not until it's critical to someone's survival and even then it quickly comes back to them. "I feel sad that your severe pain and illness is affecting me so negatively, let's talk about that and fix it for me" while not doing much of anything for the person in the crises after whatever small initial steps are taken. A smaller crises, like let's say emotional pain created by that self absorbed person doesn't register at all until it affects them.
I think narcissism light is a great descriptor, because the toxicity doesn't show up as overtly malicious and can easily be missed by a person who cares a lot about others. You can get wrapped up in the self absorbed person's desires and issues and pain and not realize that in itself without any reciprocity is toxic. (At least not right away, because everyone is like this at times, the self absorbed person though is like this all the time). Because it feels like you are taking care of someone, and you are. But they just aren't taking care back in any significant way. They do but it's what they already wanted to do, no real effort or sacrifice, it's whatever makes them feel good to begin with.
It's very one sided. And the person might not have any ill will against you at all, they aren't threatened by your success, they don't overtly manipulate you to feel bad to get what they want, they do but it's more by ignoring and subtly dismissing then by actively seeking your demise somehow. They want you to be well and happy they just don't want to sacrifice to put anything toward it, you take care of it on your own, but they want you to sacrifice to an unfair level to help them be happy. It doesn't seem unfair to them, it just seems right and normal. They recognize their rights and needs but yours don't register or count much. When it does its some problem you are supposed to take care of. You are supposed to take care of yourself, all your needs but they don't take care of their own needs. No they need you to help with that.
If this hasn't been identified and cataloged well by professionals like other dysfunctional behavior then it's little wonder that the people facing it are like what the hell is going on here. You can tell they are selfish but it doesn't raise the same red flags that an overly abusive person raises. You are like ok I know this is a red flag but I don't know exactly how, nothing in and of itself on its own seems bad. similar to gaslighting but in such a passive way that you can't identify it quickly. It's more by the predominance of the circumstances that you see a problem. I helped them 500 times and they helped me one half or one quarter of one time. Oh that's a problem. (Exaggeration just to underscore the point).
Great it was easy listening...
I have a sister who acts like this. I'm watching part 2 for some ways to deal with this stre 😘ss
I have a self absorbed fiance,she wants everything right now or she's hateful,barely even acting like she cares, lying constantly being shady and all I get is her"scraps" of affection...I'm lonely
Many of them are a HUGE waste of energy. Many of them turn a deaf ear and a blind on you.
Thank you so much for this video it makes so much sense. I have a friend who I feel is self absorbed. She recently changed a group of 10 ladies lunch plans to fit around her schedule (basically she didn't want to get up too early and be rushing) then cancelled last minute to take her dog to the groomers! Her behaviour really seems to trigger me. I like her but I'm seriously considering ditching this friendship. X
Spot on. Its a hard reality.
I realized recently that I am one as I never complimentent my recent exhusband and only cared about myself.
I just started crying... everything makes sense.... I am with a self absorbed partner
Dont feel bad I found out last night. Watching this makes it easier to move on. I hope you will too.
My husband comes home says nothing, turns on tv so loud at all hours of the night, expects you to drop everything immediately if he needs something but takes his time if the tables are turned, is always late and not dependable, and if you disagree with anything he thinks or says he gets angry. It is impossible to discuss anything with him because he just starts attacking.
Omg…you described my relationship dynamic to a T. Thank you, I felt like I was going insane!
“Miserly” exactly the right word for selfish, stingy, withholding partners.