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How Fawning Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Abuse
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ม.ค. 2022
- The Fawning Response creates a constant imbalance in a relationship. Hijackals love that! You're helping them control you, and you sure don't want to do that for a moment longer, right? Listen in!
Fawning happens when you attempt to avoid conflict and trauma by appeasing people and demonstrating or feigning interest to earn the approval of others. Sadly, it also causes you to deny your rights, interests, thoughts, feelings and to abandon what's healthy in adult relationships: equality, reciprocity, and mutuality. You may avoid conflict in the moment but you're also giving up too much.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
🚩Recognizing the fawning response
🚩12 Ways fawning makes a Hijackal happy
🚩Why narcissistic people want you to fawn...and then, make you wrong for it
🚩8 steps to take to stop the fawning response and reclaim your power
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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They love your fawning. Then, they behave as if they couldn't care less, to keep you confused and belittled.
That's it!
My hijackal told me to get another job on top of my full time job so we could purchase a home or land sooner. After a couple years, he went and bought 5 acres in his name only, while I was working my shift. Said I did you a favor, you’re wrong to be angry with me! I urged him to add my name on the deed for years, and he never did. He sold it. I am currently in process of getting out forever. Thank you for this wonderful information! ❤️
Can u get part of the money for it?
@@aidasalazar5924 Unfortunately, no. I cannot process him for that crime and seek damages because I never filed charges against him. If I could go back in time, I would prosecute him according to the law.
It doesn't matter if you speak up and tell them what you want... they won't do it anyway. Put boundaries in and they just stonewall and find someone new to entertain them
I'm having so much trouble leaving. I feel I did well staying away over Xmas and new year. Now it's like a drug, and I'm questioning myself (again ) months of things been ok then bang... Here we go again, text abuse, gaslighting. I relate to this. I also relate to what you said about getting angry, and then when you do you become the abuser according to them and you never live it down. I've been called all sorts and had all my vulnerabilities thrown in my face. I don't tell him anything now. But I have told him numerous times it's over and he's just not getting it.
You are a sweet person. Of course that's gonna be valuable supply, since I'd bet you have an innate capacity for feeling good about life, can appreciate the positive moments; happiness..
Don’t tell him your plans.
Go on with life as normal, get your alternative accommodation set up and leave - take your pets as they will NEVER let you have them after you go.
But leave you are not safe.
Good luck
“He’s just not getting it”…
If you leave, permanently, he’ll get it.
You can NOT wait for someone to “get” something. You will tolerate behavior that your inner voice (childhood attachment wounds affect this) repeat on autopilot.
You have to have your own back. Would you wait around for someone to “get” it if they were treating a pet, small child, the same way?
You’ve got to show up for yourself like that
My exes standard comment to conflict “you mess with the bull you’re gonna get the horns” and he was not kidding I learned quickly to fawn. Thankfully I woke up from my trauma response and kicked him to the curb horns and all.
Same exact thing here. You gooooo girl. Lol
Mine.. if u keep it up .. ur gonna wake up a monster . Indeed.. he was truly a monster.
This is an excellent episode, doctor. Your analysis is crystal clear and logical.
With an eroded ego and loss of self esteem comes resignation and emotional exhaustion.
Fawning is borne out of a fear of repercussions. Self preservation is often a driver as well.
Fawning is an invitation to be used and abused.
She has some extremely accurate insights. My partner stonewalls me. Refuses to discuss anything in our relationship. Dismisses my requests and my opinions. If I didn't make the effort to have conversations there would be no conversation. Silence is awkward around here. I am able to feel the connection between us disappear, and I am learning to be okay about it. I know instinctively that this relationship is over.
Make your silent plans to get out. You have to be strategic
@wellinever1558 Good advice, I am making plans. I have to be careful because I don't want to trigger a violent episode. Thanks for your kind words.
She’s good👍very clear explained
I wish I could get counseling with you, I am 70 and very limited in my resources, you videos really help me.
Thank you so much
You are so welcome. You could join my Emerging Empowered Community at JoinInToday.com There you have the opportunity of joining in two group calls a month to ask your questions and receive support from me and others on the calls.
Me too 71. Living in it..son of 35
Glad I got to the point of detachment. Great information!
Good for you!
I had trauma from the outset. I was born in Belfast . My father was a protestant , and my mother was a Catholic. And they were both unfaithful to eachother after I was born . There was shit hitting the fan , and I was one of those little kids that had to fukking deal with it .
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Really would like to print out a transcript of this episode. Very thorough. Thank you!!
Oh my God . You are so bloody fantastic. I hear you. I love you . I just value what one man , and one woman vow to eachother .. It's a quid pro quo . I won't do this anymore..
Great video. However, less than a minute in and the annoying TH-cam ads start and don't cease.
I appreciate you terribly.
20:10 🎼 wish I knew then, what I know now, when I was younger 🎶
21:14!!!!!!!
WhoopThereItIs!
Doctor Shaler, thank you for your work and for recommendations of the book! I have already read Ariel Shwarz, it is brilliant.
You're most welcome!
Thank you for a great video … Iv learned a lot…”NO-MORE” self-sacrificing for me… 🙏🌹
❤The list of healthy and secure ways of interacting at 6:50-8:10 is EXCELLENT. Thank you.
But the note Dr that you shared in relationship to the last item (‘moving too quickly to common ground to avoid emotional discomfort’- that one should be a no. In other words, that would be akin to brushing the problem under the rug or putting ones head in the sand. So we shoukd NOT too quickly find common ground to discuss when the noncommon ground has been left unexplored and not resolved.
I love this because I never heard is before not I wish I You're on about this along time. I was in a love and I didn't what to think he was the Abuser But everybody around me said he was. And now I'm trying to get over this. So thank you for having all those videos about it.
I don't fawn anymore....over anyone. I will give true compliments, though. I am no longer truly impressed with titles....money...or anyone's standing in the world. I do show a general respect for all that I come into contact with, I certainly don't want them to receive me negatively....for they don't deserve it....until....I observe their unsavory....and blatantly rude....behavior....Then....I judge them accordingly! I may not confront them....but I absolutely judge them!
Its astounds me how different i jave become because they subtely change us.
Please tell us how to explain to police.ive called nine times and they won't file reports.No physical evidence, they won't acknowledge false imprisonment, cohesive control, harassment.
You need to be your own advocate. You need to value yourself enough to save your own life. Call a tv station if you are indeed imprisoned (yet have access to a phone/computer). That’ll get you out, maybe.
I suspect that learned helplessness and more, are part of your staying stuck. Call domestic violence hotline. Know above all else, no one will save you until you really are trying to safe yourself too. You have to do the majority of the showing up for YOU
It's a crying shame really . That this stuff goes on . Is this truly for real?? I am very strong . But that ...sorry girlie, but I am just going to call them a fekking , howling narcissist. That is what they are . Can I ask what went wrong with you? I think I could really help you. Yeah , even more than you can help me.
What's wrong baby ? Okay . You have a massive point . This is taking me on a journey. You are bloody fucki g brilliant!!!!!🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧♡♡♡♡♡
Sigh . You're good . I .... I am..actually I don't want to say anything..
What's the name of the book she mentions?
I have no values I’m not aware of any
Have you any knowledge about people who fawn over everybody except one person!? Twice this has happened to me. Twice, one person in the group has fawned over everybody else in the group but treated me like a ghost. They hadn't met each other but they behaved in the same way. I suppose something about me triggered them to want to eject me from the group. It was horrible.
Did you miss that fawning is a negative behavior?
You making someone not fawn over you, to mean something…is problematic. That huge narrative you created, about them wanting to eject you from the group…shows a propensity to a negativity bias, cognitive distortions. While our minds are always trying to make meaning out of things…unchecked and unobserved, our own thoughts can create great unnecessary suffering.
Ask yourself questions like…Do I know for certain that what I believe about this situation is true? What information might I be missing? What evidence do I have?
Most people I know find empowerment in a more adult conversation.
You must be lucky, to have that as “most people” that you know!
I find it to be quite rare. Many people don’t have the emotional maturity, and have significant distress intolerance, which (among many things) increases conflict avoidance. The conflict avoidance is part of many maladaptive communication behaviors. It can be frustrating
Never partners??
A basket case ????? Not a good term .
Isn't fawning a form of love-bombing?
What is wrong with you????? 🧐
Do not call people ..basket cases. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪😩What the Duck ??????????????????