Recognize When It's Become Verbal Abuse!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ธ.ค. 2020
- You might give someone the benefit of the doubt too often. You may be on the receiving end of verbal abuse AND it's important to be clear about it. Verbal abuse is bullying to win. It's unacceptable. Recognize the many faces of verbal abuse now!
Here are some more of my other episodes about verbal abuse:
See the Gaslighting! It's Verbal, Psychological, AND Emotional Abuse.: • See the Gaslighting! I...
What Emotional Abuse Is & Its Impact On Your Life - Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
• What Emotional Abuse I...
14 Questions To Ask To Know If It's Abuse
• 14 Questions To Ask To...
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
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#Hijackals #toxicpeople #narcissists #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #narcissisticabuse #personalitydisorder
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Any time I try to talk to my husband about anything that he's done, that upset me, no matter how kindly I approach him, he explodes. He yells at me, no screams at me, and tells me how it's my fault. In the past year, he has started calling me names. A few days ago he called me a narcissist. He says I'm judgemental, hateful, and jealous. He will scream at me, and then stomp out of the room. This video hit home with me. I'm slowly shrinking. He can be such a wonderful partner, but I'm seeing less and less of that person. Blaming me is the name of the game.
That's unpleasant and difficult. Has something happened recently to accelerate and exacerbate his behavior?
My husband was like that. I left him ,bec I could not adress anything. He then deflected everything back to me. Called me raging and angry, when I said I left and will not come back.
He is the narcissist
The DSM needs to diagnose most individuals with POS (Point-of-Service?) NO!! Piece of SH-T syndrome!
I'm in a similar position 😢
I'm leaving a ten year relationship. I feel horrible around him. I feel like nothing. He hates me as a person and just tears me to peaces at the littlest thing I say. I wont be with a man that hates me. Not the perfect time to end it but when is the perfect time....
Good for you for being courageous enough to stand up for yourself! I hope you are in a better place now
The perfect time to end it is when you are safe. I hope you are safe
That's wonderful you are leaving. These men are PURE E IL.
I definitely feel like he attacks me when I try to stand up for myself or disagree with him to discourage me from doing it in the future.
The fact that you feel "attacked" is often indicative of abuse. Is he controlling in other ways?
Alyse, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can relate to the frustration. It feels like they are trying to teach you that you don't deserve your own sovereignty. My father did this to me for 41 years. If I was bullied by others outside the home and told him I was attacked when I got home, he'd ask me what I'd done, what part I played, and to consider the others' feelings (of the people who assaulted me). He offered no validation or comfort for my situation. I sadly dropped out of high school the middle of my junior year, in spite of being a good student, due to long-term bullying that went unaddressed. The treatment inside the home (verbal abuse, terror through smashing objects in rage, etc.) made me target for more bullying outside the home -- it was pure hell with nowhere to run to. Throughout my career or even as a volunteer, I've encountered bullies (like I have a permanent "kick me" tattoo on my forehead). In a toxic work situation that caused me the loss of my job, my dad suggested that I was fired for being a "tall poppy" (his words). It sounds very "victim"-y, to some (like I'm crying "poor me!"), although I have also been primed to use my own empathy against myself in favor of others; if I overcompensate by standing up firmly for myself, then I'm told I'm being selfish and entitled. The verbal abuse primes you to accept abuse generally --- bonus points for THEM if they also train you to accept it with good "cheer."
You become so used to it, you may not even notice it, and it can affect your whole life. I appreciate so much that Dr. Schaler keeps asking us "sound familiar to you?" in her videos because a lot of us have been conditioned to look the other way and internalize all fault alone -- that's the selfish agenda of the hijackal. I wish you a healthy escape, Alyse. I went No Contact with my father and removing his ability to verbally tear down and criticize has brought peace to my life with some hope for joy.
@@curiousone6435 wishing you peace and blessings.
sounds familiar
We accept relationship disagreements. Raging temper n throwing object seem normal over the yrs. Demanding n overpower the norm. Lived thro this over decades. God is my witness. You are not alone
❤I’ve verbally abused more times than I can imagine but I overcame it all and succeeded superbly but these tips you have provided are just the best of the best tips ever ❤thx . I’m 39 more like 40 and I have suffered verbal abuse nearly all my life so this video hits home 🙏
Feel you! Four and a half decades here. Not for the faint of heart. Stay Strong and Find Your Peace.
I hate that over time, I have thrown a few insults back. That isnt my normal personality. Once I started setting boundries it escalated. I think I must have unknowingly developed reciprocating the behavior as a defense mechanism after just trying to let it go for years.
Things are so unfair when you're with a Hijackal. It's very difficult not to hope that giving the Hijackal back some of their own behaviors will cause them to experience the pain that you do. Sadly, it doesn't work. As I say so many times, there's no point in poking a Hijackal!
Hijackals HATE boundaries, and they hate boundaries with consequences even more. It's important to follow-through on those consequences so a Hijackal believes your boundaries.
“reactive abuse”
I think my husband hates me, possibly because I feel enjoyment and happiness, kindness and generosity of spirit and he doesn't seem to be able to and that's pretty sad. I am working on better communication in therapy. It's not helping with my marriage.
This teaching is so helpful to me. I am studying about narcissistic and codependent, I realized my childhood I have experienced emotionally physically abused from my mother, who I believed my mother is a lying most of the time and covert narcissistic, my father being an nibbler codependent, my mother choose the second child the golden child who is 8 year older than me who is a monster jealous malignant narcissistic, she was lying , verbally and physically abused me in my life, I was trained to be quiet, let the two abused me not allowed say a word. Then I married to a grandiosity narcissistic husband, who dose name calling destructive, chaos toxicity humiliation, harassment, insult ……, I did not know why my life was so miserable, what and why a beautiful ,kindness , and truthfulness person deserves to be abused? I got on internet to find my answer, then I found the word of narcissistic, I have been studying this topic from many professionals, and then I figured it out and went to see counselors to stop being abused , leave them alone, and be come healing. The abuse costs me PDSD, rumination, sleepless disorder, cancer. I am trying to sit my boundaries. I am leaning every single day, thank you for your channel.
this is so eye opening so i wanna thank u for tht. I just found out after almost 4 yrs tht my partner was an abuser. emotionally, physically (grabbing me n recently trying to drag me out of OUR apt), emotionally, sexually n even spiritually. I finally got the courage to call the police on him and leave him but he refuses to acknowledge tht I don't want to be with him. I still have A LOT of Healing to do 😢 but this helped me more then u will even no. I'll save this video to remind myself to never give him my power again.
Being totally honest, when he started calling me names I felt so hurt and bawled my eyes out. Now when he insults me, I insult him back. He has physically abused me as well in the past. I don't know if he really changed because now I feel he's being emotionally and verbally abusive towards me but I have been making excuses for his behavior. He says that I make him so upset and that's why he acts this way. He calls me dramatic when I try to explain what bothers me. This relationship has lasted 10 years and probably this is why I'm doubting my own reality.
Yes, most folks get into a pattern of accepting the abuse, and accepting the blame for the abuse. This is trauma-bonding. You're wise enough to realize that you are doubting your reality, so could you start believing it? You clearly identify his behavior as abusive, AND there is NO excuse for that, right?
I’m in this cycle, lately I have been walking away and crying in the bathroom. I just tell myself to move on and not fight.
Blaming you for the reason that they abuse you, is part of the abuse.You are being abused.I wish I left at only 10 years invested.Now it's almost 20.Please don't be me...
Won't get better just leave.
Teaching to help and do not give up. The narc uses all kinds of control,mind control,sleep abuse and brain washing to brake you down.
th-cam.com/play/PLPNQdAefzkSMKMcCCZAROMCxCJF0VkaKs.html
If they are abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, don't argue them. Don't try to convince them why you are right. Just listen , take a note and think for yourself what to do. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. Now I went no contact and gray rock.
You're right: there's little point arguing with them or pointing out problems.
Good for you for taking yourself out of the situation so that you can heal and be healthier.
I'm seeing it clearer now: it's baiting you. So ANY reaction
We are in the bullring.
It's deffo
"Observe.
Don't Absorb!"
I'm watching this and almost in tears cause some of this is what I'm going through . And the way I'm feeling right now
joyce walker,You deserve better
I have experienced the worst of verbal abuse. No one deserves this b for any reason! No one who does this b to you deserves you. Don't waste your life like I did...for 50 years because they never change..only get worse. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! That abusive mouth will turn into physical abuse. As I said RUN!
If you Stay you will be in misery and it will affect your mind and body. Save your self. Please.
Our fights end up in him screaming shut up sit down and vulger language i am so sick of his mean ways he calls me at 3am drunk it wakes me and upset me he also withholds and ignores me till he wants something I blocked him I'm not going back ever thank you ......you are an excellent great help to people
That's so difficult! Good for you for blocking him and erasing him from your life. A great self-esteem move!
Love how you close the discussion with “you’re precious.”
That sounds dismissive and triggering. Very condescending. That would start some people off.
I deal with this so much.. Im tired of it.. To the point where i take meds...
Oh, that's not good for long! Taking meds can be useful in this situation as a step to help you feel capable of making plans to leave. Taking meds to put up with abuse is unwise as a long-term strategy. Are you able to leave the relationship?
Some people are just cold hearted and entertained by the way the treat people. When dealing with people who operate on treating you like your 🗑️ than understand their is something really wrong with them and not you. I pray that God will act fast and move fast on your behalf showing you that there is a way out and you should move away from such people. That type of toxic storm and behavior being done to you only shows that there really are cold dark hearted people in this world. Don't ever think that you can change them. Most importantly don't dare think that you must become a certain type of person in order for these people to treat you right either when you stay around and allow the abuse they cause you to have you behaving in a way they believe you should in order to not be treated poorly like they treat you. Than you will began to lose your identity and forever be preforming all these unrealistic taste and doing things that you should never have to do because these toxic people believe that you are their to please them in order to be treated the way you deserve. With respect you should know your worth and no one on this planet should settle for people who treat them poorly and get kick out of it. Even stepping into the ring to defend yourself when it comes to these toxic people will also be used against you. Never wrestle with a pig because you will get dirty and the pig likes it. It's a sick kind of thrill they get a kick out of.
Dr. Shaler, I so value you and all of the education you provide us.
My mom was a hi-jackal too. My mom used to tell me that I caused her varicose veins. She loved to remind me she had beautiful legs before she conceived and gave birth to me. It made me feel terrible as a child. She also blamed me for so many things. If she dropped a dish, it was my fault, and then she would scream “Look what you mad me do!”
Sad that she was that disordered in her thinking. I wish I could put a teflon shield over children of Hijackals!
I have been in a 15 yr marriage and now a 5 yr dating limbo with both being competitive guys (and I hate hate hate competing) they both like to use words. But my ex husband was not an arguer, he liked to make me question my reality with gaslighting but almost in a passive way. He asked “are you sure” all the time. My current bf yells, calls me names (garbage person, nasty, disgusting etc) One time I wrote all these insults on the mirror so when he walked in he would be faced with all the words he said. That’s the ONLY time I got a half apology. I’ve been watching your eye opening videos so they are helping me figure out that I don’t need this. So I am leaving with my son and my dignity intact. Thank you for your videos!
I can't talk to him, every time I try to have a calm, reasonable conversation with him he gets mad and starts blaming me for everything, my anxiety and depression are getting worse because he says I cry about everything but he doesn't understand how emotional you can be when you're depressed, he tells me if I start crying he's going to leave.
Same
Their stucky doesn't stink.
And great point about their intent in the moment being to shame, humiliate, & devalue rather than to solve an issue - to find fault and place blame rather find workable solutions or solvents for the challenge at hand.
Like with kids: they feel better shouting, swearing, and having a fit if the kids make a mess rather than saying "oops! Well, everyone makes mistakes when they're learning. Let's clean it up and move on", choosing to instruct or teach rather than one-up the littles and keep their expectations of young children realistic.
Not even in a dispute. Just out of nowhere for no good, sane reason. Some people don't need anything to trigger them. They talk to you badly and are so nonchalant, even casual, about it with little awareness or empathy for the other person's experience of them.
They don't want to resolve issues. They want to hurt you so you feel how they feel. In their minds you deserve the abuse and they are justified.
Abusers' behavior is fueled by their belief system. They abuse because they believe they are entitled to do so and they believe you deserve it. They will make up wild reasons in their heads. They truly make leaps in their logic . They are not logical or rational.They are operating with a deficit. Their brains were rewired during key developmental years in their childhoods due to adverse experiences that left them traumatized.
God.... this is an eye opener...absolutely true...you just keep attracting them...God it's terrible to go threw it..
Iam so thankful to u for your effort in putting this knowledge on youtube for others wellness
Thank you so much for this video… I already knew The way that his character becomes sometimes is bad, but I felt like I needed to seek advice online with specific examples and terminologies of what he was actually doing, so that when I address this with my boyfriend (whom I’ve already addressed his personal attacks are unnecessary when I’m just trying to talk to him about some thing)
But now I want to be able to tell him that his ways are a form of verbal abuse.
Thank You for your experienced guidance in these sad matters its truly so hard to live through and with the emotional pain of verbal abuse that doesn't leave the memories & thoughts, and the trying to fight aganist some one who doesn't like you( unless they decide to give to the silent treatment)and wants to hurt you when you love them, & having to face the fact that there not going to change, all the while making you feel your less than
I understand where your coming from and am so sorry you had to suffer such horrendous abuse...
But you have turned it to good in to trying to help others for this
I commend you 🙂 & appreciate your compassion
The good thing about suffering hyjackal abuse is it teaches you
to really appreciate kindness.😍
God Bless 🙏✝️You&Yours at the end of 2020 & keep You & Yours Safe always ❤
kind regards Sherril L.Carss
You're welcome, Sherril!
Yes, having had both Hijackal parents, partner, and friends, I know the journey from both an experience and expertise perspective. There was no help for me when I went through it for years. That's why I made it my mission to provide folks with support to successfully navigate the journey from recognizing to recovering and rebuilding after toxic relationships.
I wish you a wonderful 2021!
Its gets confusing about how they dont abuse u in front of otherrs, mine does- always humiliates me in public and privately
I appreciate this information, thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your work 🙏
You're so welcome!
this just clarified that im in an abusive relationship hes mean to me every day for like 3 years now and every time i receive a a text or a call my anxiety is threw the roof and i already suffer from bipolar and depression as well as adhd you should hear the things that he says to me i don't know how to get him my husband out my apartment he doesn't want me to work he always have problem when i spend time with my family he tries to tell me how to talk to a person especially men he is very bossy and everything is my fault i need help and i need to get out but i don't want to move i don't want to lose my job i just want a divorce and him out my life
I have been dealing with this my entire relationship. It started with a mistake I made very early in our relationship when, I believe , there was a misunderstanding In how serious we both felt the relationship was. I got pregnant 4 months into us dating and felt I needed to give it a try. Because of my mistake I felt the name calling was warranted. I made excuses because he was hurt and upset. It continued for years. I lived with that mistake over and over. I wasn’t trusted because he had a reason not to trust me, but he should be trusted. Slowly I started to avoid doing things that started a fight which was going out with friends. If I went out, he would find something I did wrong. Whether it be I stayed out too late, didn’t call/text him. Then the verbal abuse. Every single time we would argue he would be verbally abusive. But he would say you don’t argue to be nice. Gosh I let that fly. We got married. Right After I had my 4th child I caught him flirting with our babysitter on the nanny cam. They went out one night as well. I was devastated. He obviously lied and then only admitted to the things he couldn’t deny. He was very mean and abusive to me during this time. He was tell me I was pitiful, get over it, you act like I slept with her, I don’t do well with rules, I’m not going to keep dealing with this etc. I was guilty of pushing the questions and verbalizing my hurt. He got physical with me a few times for the first time. we went to counseling. Things seem to get better. It was nice to not have to hear about my past anymore because he didn’t want me bringing up his. A few years later I added a guy my friend and I were taking to at a bar who sold concert tickets. When he found out it was an explosion. Mind you this was something he had done so many times prior to this. This was his reason to not trust again. We now have 6 kids. I had two babies recently back to back. I just woke up shortly after having my last and realizing I’m going to be 40 and decided I was not going to live like this anymore. I spent 24-39 staying home and taking care of the kids while he played softball, worked out, went out etc. I started self help on TH-cam and learned I needed to set boundaries. And here we are. It’s not good. I went for a girls weekend with my friends for my birthday and it has been 2 weeks of hell. We see a counselor this Thursday. But I don’t know if I’m past that. How do I know if I’m feeling this way because I’m really just done or if it’s just exhaustion from the verbal abuse/blaming/threats etc that occurred the last two weeks. I barely even fought back. I know it’s pointless. It’s never solved anything before. I don’t have faith that counseling will work because we have gone before. Will this time be different because I’m more aware of my part in this all by not setting boundaries? I worry more years will go by and more damage will be done. My dad was verbally abusive to my mom. I don’t want my daughters to follow this same pattern.
I have anxiety and fear. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of being a single mom of 6. I stopped working 7 years ago to take care of the kids. I really just don’t want to be around him anymore. I’ve never felt like this before.
I know this is late but I hope your doing better I'm so sorry.
Same boat here except I'm 35 with two kids. Ive been wanting to have more kids the last few years but I just cant justify bringing more children into this dysfunctional dynamic. I feel like I wasted so much time with him and I dont want to split up our family or be a single mom or hurt our children. But my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me since the beginning. At first I thought it was nice how "protective" he was over me but it quickly turned to blind paranoia and constant suspiciousness. Over the years he's hacked into all my accounts and read all my journals and at times forced me to call him from the phone at work before leaving to come home so he can time how long it takes me to make sure I'm not cheating on him or making any secret stops. He'll call me several times while I'm at the store demanding to know if I'm really there or with someone else. When he gets into one of his dark moods his eyes literally turn black and he rages just like my own mom did when I was a kid. When hes not being like that he's simply utterly "checked out" he doesnt even look in my direction, never speaks to me, shoots down any attempt at friendly conversation, he just comes home from work and goes to his man cave until he decides to get up and go to the gym/eat then back to his room.
When you're really done, you'll know it. You'll feel resolved. You won't entertain any more 2nd chances. No more wondering if it could be different or if you're just too torn up to care. Anything less means you still have hope. Hope needs to die for you to be really done.
They won't acknowledge their actions.
He ghosted me hasn't spoken to me in 4 days. I reminded him of Dr appt just gave date and time and he used the c word with no provocation. What sort of person makes a joke like that when you haven't seen someone in over ten days ? That's the sick choice? Why does my stomach hurt and tears pop out my eyes I don't want to cry it's not fair it's what he wants.
Does anyone else get humiliated in public or with friends/family?
I wasn't raised by hijackal parents. Yet my first and only relationship has been characterised by verbal, emotional and physical abuse for the past 10 years. Not sure where that originates from. I guess I must feel I deserve it deep down. My parents were the complete opposite of that very loving and supportive.
I know the struggles
Many good people rationalize, justify, enable, and make excuses for the poor choices of others because they are empathetic. Once you see that you may have done this early in the relationship and it ended up enabling the behaviors, then, you can begin the path to a healthier position for yourself. Hijackals want you to give them all the attention, love, support, latitude, money, etc. to keep them as the center of attention. That lack of equity, reciprocity, and mutuality is a clear indication that it's time for change.
I doubt you think you deserve it. It may be that you mistakenly believed your partner deserves to be abusive, manipulative, and demanding and now you know that's incorrect and destructive. I hope you'll get help to find a new path. If you want my help, you'll find it here: BeAClient.com
Matt.
Please don't think that way. There is undeserved suffering and certain things we have not learned as a child. In my case it also was, that i was not prepared for a shouting, angry man in my life, and my father was absent in my childhood. So twice i have chosen a man, who will not let me speak my voice but they are rather more controlling and abusive. And actually i believe i do not deserve this sort of behavior, still i got stuck. Bec. Either i do not want to hurt them, or the children or the relatives.... But in the end i just hurt myself. I left now. To figure out things. And knowing that i do not deserve this behavior propably will be the final decision not to go back. Even though he says he loves me. But i think nothing would chance. I have still not learned to set proper boundaries. So i rather stay alone. With my kids.
I believe you are an angel
Thank you from Argentina
You are so welcome...from California.
:-)
Thanks for helping me see how I have been treated my whole life is defined as abusive and that I'm in one f***ing toxic relationship that needs some serious help. OK, I see that but how do you get the other person too see this as well. For I simply don't have those skills nor a magic wand, all I have is the common sense God gave me and that's just me. A seeing person in a sea of toxicity.
You're welcome. If the verbally abusive person is not a #Hijackal, couples counseling with someone like me who specializes in toxic relationships can really help. If the other person is a #Hijackal, they will not see it, and if you mention it to them, they will turn it on you. What's important now is to gain clarity on your situation, try some strategies to see if they make a difference, and then make decisions. I'm always here to help: BeAClient.com
I see so many videos on verbal abuse and how to handle it. But no videos on helping someone who is verbally abusive to stop.
This video is 💯
If I don’t agree to everything, then it’s an argument and will never say I’m sorry…
Sadly, too common! I hope you'll watch other videos to see what other Hijackal traits he might have. Too many is TOO much, right?
At 25:00 shaming. I call my toxic parent a "shame broker". Use that if you wish.
Great phrase! Thanks for permission to use it.
Tell us what to do
Great phrase & isn't shaming the most underhanded way to abuse anyone. When it's done by Silence to achild (I'm an ACON- Adult Child of Narcissist); that is also gaslighting
As 0 is even said. So we can go crazy as a kid
Yes my mother told me that she wished I was never born and the she would go on and on about how long she was in hospital and that I was so ungrateful... She repeated this over and over.. when I grew up I used to laugh at bc it was just meaningless threats and guilt trips, I used to tell her that I wished I had never been born to a mother like her...she used to send me birthday cards on one side was a happy birthday message and on the side was a message about how she wished i phone her more often and the ungrateful I was...etc etc..
What is verbal abuse from the us legal department verbal abuse is when words are used to cause harm to someone who is being spoken to. It is abusive harmful words intended to harm the other person to make them feel bad, to make them feel afraid, to over power them, to control them, to manipulate them, to denigrate them, and shame them, and demean them, dismiss them, degrade them but it’s intended to cause harm it’s intended to be mean and nasty it’s intended to take them to them down a peg or 2 or 14. And it’s really important to understand that distinction
Withdrawing has been my coping mechNism
That's one way to cope, for sure. Another is to master my PWR response so that you don't lose your voice in the conversation.
Here's a video that might be useful: www.forrelationshiphelp.com/emotional-abuse-microaggressions/
Me too
Bottom line this. Is there any real hope for a fulfilling relationship with someone who is verbally abusive? I have been to enough of these rodeos to know that you can't change a person who is not interested in changing, so I'm curious if any of these relationships have ever actually recovered and survived in the long term.
For people to make lasting changes, it takes two things: ability and willingness. That's knowing how and wanting to. You're right. If there is no willingness, all the know-how in the world won't matter.
In my practice, I've found that, if a person is only verbally abusive (which, of course, contains emotional abuse) AND they are willing to recognize that they themselves are unhappy being abusive, change is possible over enough time.
However, many verbally abusive people are often also emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically and sexually abusive. Those are much more difficult to lead to change. Sadly, though, they will put on a show of change for a short while, and lead others to believe they've changed. Hijackals, though, don't often change their stripes or spots...and severely object to you suggesting a need for change.
No. Even with someone willing to change they must face the consequences of losing the relationship, and do the work on their own. It’s impossible to be perfect and never have conflicts, and in my experience the abuser will want you to be their gatekeeper, even if they are willing to change and are remorseful. This puts an impossible burden on you, as sometimes you will also be tired, cranky, or angry yourself.
I was with an abuser for years, and while he did change and try to become better, it failed. I know he honestly cared. But something isn’t wired right in their brains, and they must rewire it. We had a safe word “spaghetti” for when the argument was escalating. Yes, this did work and he would immediately stop. Until one day he woke me up and started berating me. First I ignored it, just rolled over and ignored him. I was tired and “spaghetti” didn’t even come to me, plus it had been a long time since we argued. It ended with him dumping water on me and punching me in the stomach after yelling the foulest things.
Take my advice and leave. They must fix themselves and suffer the consequences of their words, even if you decide to reconcile later on and they have done the work.
There’s always a chance someone will change, there’s a lottery winner every day but we wouldn’t place our bets on being the winner. Don’t waste more time hoping they will change. They don’t need you to change, and you can’t be their therapist.
@@crystaloats8177 can you expand on what you mean by "gatekeeper"?
I haven't considered a "safe word". Instead we agreed that if I told her she was going to far that I would simply tell her that. We agreed there needed to be a "circuit breaker" that would stop an argument from spiralling out of control but when it comes to the next fight, literally any word out of my mouth causes her to just redouble her attack. I honestly feel a "safe word" would be plowed through in the same manner. When she decides it's argument time, literally nothing short of me physically leaving the area completely (as in getting in the car and physically separating myself from the area) will stop it.
We just had another meltdown yesterday. She's on depression and anxiety meds. She has a rather spotty record of taking them, and when she doesn't she can become somewhat manic and super critical of everything. We AGREED that if she was starting down that path I was to ask her whether she had taken her meds. The purpose was to understand whether her actions were because of her unmedicated status or not. Well, yesterday was a situation where she was just picking the two boys apart (age 11 and 14). Literally every little thing was brought up. Finally I couldn't watch it anymore and I asked her, in a calm, non confrontational tone, if she had taken her meds. Apparently according to her, we never made that agreement that I would ask, how dare I accuse her of this, and it rapidly escalated to personal attacks at the top of her voice right in front of the boys. Literally they watched it all go down.
If anything, at least now I know EXACTLY where I stand. Now to figure out what to do about it.
Overwhelmingly unlikely. Stats are super low for real lasting change.
He said i disgust him , that im lazy and I've let myself go . Is this abuse or is it simply the truth for him
If it isn't the truth, then it is verbal and emotional abuse.
Not sure, there is such subtlety.
Sometimes, it is subtle, and sometimes horribly blatant.
I never used verbal abuse, i have to say i trhew some things to scare him away when he was yelling violent. Only in his direction. not touching him.
The last two fights i used his owm tacticks at him. Je cryed and i said buhu im such a cry baby. Im so sad. Im to broken. The lasr ten weeks i stood by my son who had a brain tumor operation. Im exhousthed. I wanted to leave before this happend
He stood by me with my son. The last month i was alone. Cause my son 24 years old lives in amsterdam. He expeted me to be normal coming back. I m broken amd exhousted amd my son is still sick. But i live in spain we have an 11 year old i had to leave for one mont. Was alone with my ex who is a fisical abuser and gaslighter. Made it extra difficult for me. My son lives with him. I have an appointment for an other place to live monday
Its a break. I have to think. But i realise its unfixeble now after 14 year. He abused me verbally all this time with good times too. It always came back. But my ex fisically abused me. And was never nice to me. So this partner was Romantic all the time. But very jelouse. And schreamed making drama and lyed. I reconise myself in what she sais. Tryiing to save him. And my father always blamed me for everyrhing. Its my own fault always. Im leaving. I want out.
Your word against mine? Not if a recorder is used on your phone etc. Secretly recording their tirades.
Good! Also, good to have the recordings transcribed for future needs for legal matters.
If it's secret, it probably won't be admissible in court. Better to let them know.
I only just realized my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I just turned 30 and right before my birthday I was at his house and he started running his mouth I made a comment and he said I'm going to punch you in the face. And I yelled excuse me what the fuck is wrong with you! Why the fuck would you say that to me!? I'm your daughter. I bet you didn't like when your father would say that shit to you so why the fuck would you say it to me??? And then it hit me like a ton a bricks. Everything came flooding back all those horrible mean things he would say to me and say to and about other people. He would always talk so horribly about my mom.... not that she was a saint or nothing she was emotionally unavailable... ugh the constant criticism. Ugh I can't believe I've gone through all this abuse and neglect and had no idea. 😪😢 and I also just got away from an emotionally abusive boyfriend. And I've been in three other relationships with abusive people. I was verbally berated by one and constantly criticized the other got physical. He actually strangled me once in my car he choke me so hard I had dots all over my face from the broken blood vessels and my other ex forced him self on my and deprived me of sleep every time I fell asleep he woke me up. And my most recent ex would blow up and scream and yell and he would get in my face. Once we were fighting and he pushed me really hard and I smacked my head really hard on a door. He also pushed me multiple times grabbed me shoved me into a wall... he would even get mad when I stood up for myself he would say you never acted like this with your ex's why are you doing this to me. Fucking nuts I can't believe I've been putting up with this shot no wonder I'm so angry.... God bless all of you thank you for the info doc seriously so helpful xoxoxo
To.. myself and the kids 🎉yes. I live with it living it
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much for you're videos. I am wondering if I am in the wrong and if I am I am more than willing to take the steps to fix myself. I will try to make this short 🙂. Is it normal to pull back if you're fiance keeps telling her friends all of her partners very very personal traumas even when I ask her not to because some are very embarrassing. She will also twist what I have told her to make the story sound more elaborate I guess. I have always been open and vulnerable with her but I feel betrayed and told her it feels like that she has more secrets between her and others than with us. Lately she will say super hurtful words while in a fight and then 2 minutes later tell me that she never said them. She gets right in my face screaming and shaking her finger no matter who is around. The past negatives are always brought us even though I asked if we could try to start fresh and make it a point to focus on what is the current issue. She will what I feel is weaponize some of the most vulnerable things I have told her and throw it back in my face when we are having a disagreement. last month felt like it was the tipping point of everything. We found out that she was pregnant. I was so so happy but couldn't share it because she told me not to tell anyone. The first thing she does instead of talking to me about it she went to her friends for a few days and party. When we finally got a chance to talk about it she told me that she wanted a family with me. The following day she went to I am getting rid of it. The whole time it was a back and forth with her and anything that I would disagree with her on she brought it up as a threat she would terminate the pregnancy. I felt like the whole experience was very traumatic as she had me lay my head on her stomach and talk to our child. She was allowed to tell her friends and family but told me that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone on my end not even my grandmother who was like my mother growing up😔. There were many red flags that I ignored and in the end she got mad at me and terminated the pregnancy. She was buying baby things, we were picking out names etc. I should have taken a clue of how this was going to play out when at the store in front of everyone the clerk congrated her abd she responded that is was the worst day in her life loud enough for everyone in the store to hear. I was standing next to her with a line of people behind us. I never felt so small and humiliated in my whole life.....I wanted to be anywhere in the world except there next to her at that time. I am still heartbroken and wonder if I did something wrong.
Hello, Robert.
You are not wrong. What you are describing are severe Hijackal traits. The only way you could be wrong, in my opinion, is to stay with her. I wish you well.
They save it for the private audience. Yes. Shows they can control their anger in public. They just don't consider their household public. So, why should they spare us?
I constantly think of ending it because I can't deal with this and no one in my life cares.
I care! I’m going through it too, but don’t give up. Please don’t give in. Love you and praying for you!
Find your own independence and the things you enjoy. Others will come along. Miss my son terribly. Rip. Change your environment
Jesus loves you, ...seek God ❤ Pray and read the Bible
Hi Dr. Shaler the first time I commented on youtube I was verbally abused and that was 2 years ago I can still remember the comment and what the abuser posted. Needless to say I was shocked I just put in my 2 cents worth and he told me to drop dead. How did that happen and why did that happen? Can you please reply, thank-you. :)
Hi! Many people seem to lose all sense of civility on forms of social media. They take their anger out on people they have never met. Just know that it has nothing to do with who you are, and shows you clearly who they are. It's difficult sometimes to do, but it's healthiest. I hope that helps.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Hi one more thing, why do I lose friends when I stand up for myself, please reply, thank you.😊
My husband constantly accuses me of cheating on him and other things I haven’t done. I have always been faithful and he treats me like dirt. I can’t afford to live on my own so I have to stay with him. If I try to defend myself he threatens to leave me, take the house, etc , says “if u don’t like it there’s the door,”, or threatens to leave me snd take everything. So, I’ve just become numb and just stand there apologizing; what’s the point of defending myself. Im in a living hell and if I found out I was going to die tomorrow I wouldn’t cate
Ya well. People can try to make you feel that way. But most likely , a lot of the problems are coming from him. So keep your self safe - miss my son 24. He had a abusive girl friend. I let her live here as her mom wouldn’t- my son said he made a mistake letting her come back. And he took his life 5 mo ago. Everyone is so unbelievably sad. He was really sweet. He just didn’t find the right girl
Really d true is yet 2 come big time
I am pretty disordered I do try to tell my kids often that they are good and loved.
Edit grammer
Armoured by shame? I can't find that book... Who is it by please?
I get verbally abused.
what about when your partner has autism adhd / depression ? I have mental health issues too , and what about the lens of disorganised attachment as we both have had trauma from narcissitic parents when younger.
My partner can own his stuff and apologise but struggles to do so if i ask him for one when he's triggered. He definitely reacts very toxically when he feels threatened , he gets defensive , he accuses me of starting arguments when i've talked about how i am upset with his behaviour , and he has told me to eff off quite afew times , and said i'm a spoilt brat or a drama queen when we are in the middle of a fight. He also said recently if you don't listen to me i'm going to break up with you. This was after i didn't let him speak and we had been arguing for an hour or so. I do have a habit of interrupting him when he says hurtful or tactless things which i know isn't healthy in itself but yet that doesn't warrant the level he takes it to.
I am worried he may be a hijackal type but from listening to the whole episode I dont think he is, I think he has traits. I also know he does express genuine self accountability , own things when we have calmed down and we can have very mature and healthy chats. He has deeply confessed how he is aware of his toxic traits and how he knows he needs to be less reactive. As i mentioned before he does have issues with emotional regulation , and impulse control amongst many other things , I am in no way making excuses but I am stating the reality of his disorders.
This then gives me hope again but that said we both get stuck in a dysfunctional patterns of fighting way too often. Doesn't that make us both to blame or am i just a victim of verbal abuse ? I have grown up around the silent treatment and have given it to my partner before but realised that it isn't fair and communicated that i need space. Its very hard to see the wood for the trees when you both play up and get stuck in a push and pull dynamic., i would really appreciate your expert feedback on this.
How do you suggest I respond to this kind of behaviour? I want this to work so much but i'm finding it challenging x
Good questions! If you are both aware of your tendencies to resort to verbal abuse, that is something you can make a conscious decision to change...regardless of other issues. Yes, it can be difficult, however, aside from a couple of disorders (like Tourette's), you DO choose the words that you say, right?
Have a good conversation about what comes across as verbally abusive to each of you. Listen well to each other. Get really good at using my Personal Weather Report strategy to change the conversation. www.PersonalWeatherReport.com
In a similar situation and mental issues aren't an excuse to lash out and try to hurt the person, especially if they're not actively seeking help and they tend to minimize their actions.
He will turn my phone off so communication with anyone... None at all... When i hold him accountable... He cant deal with it.. He will control me.. He said ge will get good or bad attention ..
Are you able to, or thinking of, leaving?
@@ForRelationshipHelp not really no very complicated..i would have to talk to u privately.. Thx
@@ForRelationshipHelp you can inbox me on Facebook its very complicated there iskids involved ...etc. Status stuff and alot more..
My nephew is verbally abusing me daily,he's angry!all the time!
And he's 37 years old !no job!
MY partner constantly says (yells) that im " babying our kidsand when im around our kids are behaving horribly and r disrespectful". 12 year old boy with Autism and 5 yr old girl. he wants to punish them for days in bed, yells, and spanked my 5 yr old. i told him i dont want him disciplining our kids.he fought me about it for a long time and now im doing it the proper way( 5 minfor my girl, and reward system with my son.) he constantly lets me know if he looses me - he dont want to live. 2 days ago he woke me up at 5 am screaming throwing things '" coz you snore all the time!!!! i cant take it!imdone! f**** this you whale! (+ oother worse name calling) grabbed two knives and said call 911! let them take me! you let the kids walk all over me!..every time you r around they disrespect me."" mind you he yells when my son humms to himself or stims with hands or with sound . when my doughter laughs out loud he yels to shut up! the kids seem to be somewhat comfortable when im home....and i think thats why hes so mad! i cant sit by and let him do this to us. but i dont want him to off himself (he tried few times allready) also i didnt know this was verbal abuse. there is so much more...i cant talk to him about anything cause then im trying to start a fight. im strong mentally but i see my health is deteriorating. since we got together iv changed ...sometimes i dont recognize myself. im at the point where the love i had for him is so distant. on top of that i need to mention we are both recovering addicts...he started using 3 months ago and thats where it got even worse. i feel like if i stay im going to loose my sobriety. it happened once before 6 years ago. not exactly sure how to get out..im somewhat dependent financially.( we go half half on everything) He is in hospital now so we get a brake. iim so anxious about him returning. ..scared...
Get out now!
What should someone do if they realize THEY are the Jackel?
If a person thinks they may be a Hijackal, the best course is to get professional help right away.
How do they get so good at it
The devil & demons.
He tell me the he is drifting away from me because is they way I am .the I am not the same he tell me to shut the fuck off and when we talk I never can answer back because he get mad and say I interrupt and not listen is this verbal abuse?
Yes, it's abusive...and totally lack in the 3 MUST-HAVES OF A HEALTHY ADULT RELATIONSHIP I talk about in this video: th-cam.com/video/xfIi3ZAp-fM/w-d-xo.html
My mother that she wished she never had me
That's a terrible thing to say to your child.
It's not fair I am in the bathroom weeping as quietly as I can, they have taken to calling me Amber Turd.
Callingvir❤
Dr. what if i used to be verbally and emotionally abusive to my wife but i got help and changed throughout and now my wife is the one who is verbally abusive to me even though she forgave me
Time for new rules. Couples counseling.
It’s a cycle she learned it from you then is now acting it out. Tell her to end the cycle
This video is about three times longer than it needs to be.
The same thing for repeated over and over again. It made it hard to pay attention.
Mine was childhood. My mom used to verbally abuse my father
That's very hard for a child to hear, and can create quite a negative impact.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I reliving it now my wife does it to me. Exactly the same. Maybe this is the law of attraction
I think you are beautiful, I really like your kind face and your hair makes me jelly🥰, and ... you are appreciated.
He's 37 years old and no job!
💯💯💯💯💯💯👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Worse is belittle s me but expects sex no way i close up after that.says he doea it cauae ge needs attention.. Bs
He's likely telling the truth: he wants attention. Hopefully, your clear actions will tell him that belittling you is no way to get it from you. Good for you!
I'm thinking now that their over- enthusiasm for sex ....
Is all pure "supply" & control.
They can lovebomb that way &
Then Discard & fall asleep too soon after!! Never thought till now.
It's also their sick way of control. Gosh!
LETS GET REAL YOUR HELP ISN'T FREE, YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OUT OF IT WHICH IS FAIR BUT DON'T SAY YOU'RE HAPPY TO HELP, WITHOUT MENTIONING YOU WOULD LIKE SOME MONEY FOR HELPING, WHILE WE ARE GETTING HONEST, ITS IMPORTANT TO STAY HONEST IN EVERY AREA! I KNEW AT AGE 4 OR 5 I WAS BEING ABUSED AND I HATED HER FOR IT, LUCKILY SHE PISSED OFF, THEN THERE WAS THE OLD MAN, HE WAS ABUSIVE TOO, I WAS NEVER UNDER ANY ILLUSION WE SISTERS WERE NOT BEING ABUSED, EVEN AT A VERY YOUNG AGE, LITTLE KIDS KNOW, ADULTS THINK KIDS ARE STUPID BUT THEY KNOW, WELL I DID ANYWAY!
Live Them! Period! Stop to be on that mindset that you are a vitim’ moove on!
Why are humans nasty. They are not good creatures. I am completely done with humans. Every person I have ever come in contact with in my life has been nasty. That cabin in the woods is looking better each day. 😇🇦🇺🌟