''Love is their word for enmeshment''. So true. My parents hurt me and I told them and all hell broke loose. After attacking me for hurting *them* they martyred up and announced that they would NOT have a discussion with me. They imperiously told me (in a joint statement) that they preferred to focus on their ''love'' for me and they ''couldn't see what good would come from talking''. WOW. So ...I must respect their right to label me paranoid, sensitive, angry etc. I MUST accept that there is one perspective; theirs. I must accept that their pain is real and mine is a mere grudge. And if I try to challenge any of this distortion, I'm ''abusive'' and insane on top of all the other labels thrown at me. They act so much like the stoic long-suffering victims of me. I will reward them with my absence. It still hurts though.
I didnt know who I was when I met him. He trscued me, and the enmeshment, and CONTROL began. Thirty- three years, and one disowned daughter later, I have been free of this enmeshment for two weeks. I still have contact, but its so much better. And Im NOT letting him have his way in ANYTHING anymore- Im ready to FIGHT for myself. Ive found MY VOICE, and Im always looking for how he wants to manipulate me whenever I talk to him. I will always be untrusting. You cant unsee once you SEE !!
Years ago, I read a book by Dr. Theodore Issac Rubin. He described what you're talking about here as "morbid dependency." It's not love, but rather, need, and a fear of being alone. Dr. Shaler, I have only recently found your channel, and I love your content. As a 70 year old woman, I've been through a lot, and you really have nailed down some important stuff for us to understand, sooner in life rather than later. If I'd understood some of these things earlier in my life, it would have made a huge life enhancing difference! I thank you for all you do!
Enmeshment between my ex husband and his parents and siblings destroyed our marriage. Divorced and have more peace in being able to have autonomy and boundaries. Their enmeshment led to him abusing our Children and I on the advice and encouragement of his family members and then he had the audacity after physically, psychologically and Emotionally abusing us, he claimed that I was abusing him because I said no and set boundaries. I could never win no matter what I did. Glad to be away from that cesspit of dysfunction. He is so scared to be disowned that he refuses to assert himself. He abused and abandoned our family for his parents and siblings. It's so sick
My family is enmeshed. My insecure father is the cause. I've pulled away from them. I'm prioritizing being my own woman. Discovering and creating the woman I want to be.
Thank you so much for these videos!!! Truly the only closure we will ever have!! I’m a 44 yr old man that was just discarded lil over two months ago. 22yr relationship with a 11 yr old daughter…I have plenty of faults especially not know about calling my partner out….going through so much…child alienation has been going on since the discard. I’m learning so much, and have a long road of recovery ahead. The cold disregard for any of my feelings really hurt and fog out what’s going on really…scary part is how long this crap was going on!! Be discarded at my lowest and being told that everything was my fault and how I pushed her away when I’m trying to talk and work on the problems but just to be told too late I need a break. I was told I was gaslighting every situation and how I was a narcissist….at the time I didn’t even know what being a narcissist meant. So I started to reflect and look it up..don’t get me wrong, I have learned that I have some traits but the more I watched and read it only described her actions to the T!! So disturbing to see no remorse or accountability for their actions!! I was actually told that I needed to take responsibility for the things I did. I can only hope at this stage is to stop anyone from possibly calling that person out and reacting with anger!!! Very brutal behavior will follow!
My therapist many years ago used the word "enmeshment" to describe my mother's relationship with her sisters but also the parasitical way she relates to other people, like my father and her own mother. It's as though she doesn't have a developed ego, still in some dependent fetal stage. Maybe she can't help it but I don't care. The same goes for my daughter who was having tantrums 25 years ago demanding FREEDOM but that the same time craving complete enmeshment with me. I thought this may be genetic, since we lived in a different country apart from my mother, so she had little contact with her while growing up. I told my daughter I had a right to my opinion, didn't like the person who eventually became her spouse and with whom she achieved her complete dissolution of ego. She used to have some individuality but being with this control freak (a family therapist and mediator, no less), she is just a shell of her former self. As long as she is with him, I feel I have no chance but the years are slipping by so it might be until the end of my life.
My mother would say, "I shouldn't have to ask you to help me, you should pay attention and see what I need help with." Grooming for being hypervigilant and codependent.
I love you so much for this with the boundaries. A LOT of people do seem to think that love and trust mean that boundaries go away, instead of understanding boundaries as things that make trust and love possible.
Such a timely message. Going through it with my mother trying to break this enmeshed generational curse. I’m at wits end right now. I’m dealing with similar issues in my marriage as well. Sounds all too familiar. I just watched the movie “Mommy Dearest” for the first time. Yep. My eyes are officially open. 😳🙄😬
Me: oh I am so in love. Hijackle: Gottcha! So awful and very true! 12 years ago I cut off the enmeshment with the golden sibling, I was so angry! I went no contact for many years and now I'm very guarded when I speak with this sibling. So 10 years later i marry a hijackle, and become to be enmeshed and trauma bonded with him. I can relate to this video very much, thank you for putting these behaviors of mine into the correct perspective.
He keeps attributing various motives to my thoughts and actions, treating me a certain way because of it and none of it is accurate. It's almost a paranoia, making me as dishonest as he is, which is wrong. I find myself getting very angry because I'm being painted in an unflattering way and my input on this matter is totally ignored. They're MY thoughts! They're MY plans. I told you what they are and you discount them?
What if you want to move to the country because you live sustainable living and self-responsibility and the other person has been future faking you into living in the city? I have wanted to move and I was told it wasn’t safe for the baby? Then He said after the baby is born we would move and it has been over 5 yrs of waiting. I’m going to leave so he has been planning many things to prevent this but it’s still going to happen.
Hijackals. What a great term! Thank you !! I appreciate your direct and yet lighthearted way of explaining the patterns of enmeshment with a hijackal. Subscribed!
Right? These younger ppl don't realize how good they have it to learn about this early on. It took me 45 yrs to find out there was a name for this narcissism. If only I knew early on that I grew up in a house of soul sucking monsters 🕊️
Yes my mother wa slike that.. total enmeshment from my 0 to 6 where I couldn't cry because she would cry and I would have to take care of her until my 6 when she started drinking being aggressive and married men in the house asking to start in my bedroom every evening and night and telling me she would be kill everytime I tried to speak up about it.. that and other hijackal type behaviors.. I know that well... thinking about it, it's probably why I get trapped by the beginning of hijackals relationship since we understand what love is (part of ot) before 6 I think?
I KNOW A WOMAN WHOSE 43 WITH A 20 YEAR OLD SON SHE RAISED ALONE.SHE HAS HAD A BOYFRIEND FOR 12 YEARS WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. HE ONLY SPENDS 2 WEEKS A YEAR VISITING HER BUT SUPPORTS HER FINANCIALLY. TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION SHE ENMESHED HER SON SO HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE. IM EVEN CONVINCED THEY SATISFY EACH OTHERS SEXUAL NEEDS. SHE THINKS SHES A GREAT MOTHER BECAUSE HER SON DOESNT GO OUT, SMOKE DOPE AND SPEND HIS MONEY ON GIRLS, LIKE A NORMAL KID.
Little tribes. Power in numbers. Like sheep. But they sure looked so nice on Sunday morning. Even though grandpa had a little secret. That he was a flaming alcoholic. 😊
They make you feel guilty for having boundaries and accuse you of hiding something from them
He wanted enmeshment from me and the kids, but kept his personal stuff to himself.
Some of our parents raised us like this
We were groomed to serve them
Groomed! Cults!! All words pertain!
''Love is their word for enmeshment''. So true. My parents hurt me and I told them and all hell broke loose. After attacking me for hurting *them* they martyred up and announced that they would NOT have a discussion with me. They imperiously told me (in a joint statement) that they preferred to focus on their ''love'' for me and they ''couldn't see what good would come from talking''. WOW. So ...I must respect their right to label me paranoid, sensitive, angry etc. I MUST accept that there is one perspective; theirs. I must accept that their pain is real and mine is a mere grudge. And if I try to challenge any of this distortion, I'm ''abusive'' and insane on top of all the other labels thrown at me. They act so much like the stoic long-suffering victims of me. I will reward them with my absence. It still hurts though.
L
O
Forgive them, release them to the foot of the cross and release yourself from them. Be free!
Yes, same unfortunate experience 👍🙏😇
Run! Save yourself. I had a narcissistic mother. Similar story. I left.
I didnt know who I was when I met him. He trscued me, and the enmeshment, and CONTROL began. Thirty- three years, and one disowned daughter later, I have been free of this enmeshment for two weeks. I still have contact, but its so much better. And Im NOT letting him have his way in ANYTHING anymore- Im ready to FIGHT for myself. Ive found MY VOICE, and Im always looking for how he wants to manipulate me whenever I talk to him. I will always be untrusting. You cant unsee once you SEE !!
Be so careful - it’s so easy to get sucked into those people when you have any contact with them
My ex said that he knew me better than I knew myself. He always said, “you don’t feel that way,” “you liked it,” or other similar things.
Same. He would say ‘I know what you are thinking, just by looking at you.’
Sounds soo familiar!!!! My ex did that crap! He didn’t know me or our children because he was too busy living the single life! 4:48
@@nickieglazer33he’s now moved onto our daughters especially the one with additional needs c
Same. My ex did this too. When I would say something he would say, you don't mean that, or that's not why you said/did that. WTF?!
I fell for this hook, line and sinker. I have since deprogrammed and then reprogrammed. Once educated there is no going back.
Years ago, I read a book by Dr. Theodore Issac Rubin. He described what you're talking about here as "morbid dependency." It's not love, but rather, need, and a fear of being alone.
Dr. Shaler, I have only recently found your channel, and I love your content. As a 70 year old woman, I've been through a lot, and you really have nailed down some important stuff for us to understand, sooner in life rather than later. If I'd understood some of these things earlier in my life, it would have made a huge life enhancing difference! I thank you for all you do!
Enmeshment between my ex husband and his parents and siblings destroyed our marriage. Divorced and have more peace in being able to have autonomy and boundaries. Their enmeshment led to him abusing our Children and I on the advice and encouragement of his family members and then he had the audacity after physically, psychologically and Emotionally abusing us, he claimed that I was abusing him because I said no and set boundaries. I could never win no matter what I did. Glad to be away from that cesspit of dysfunction. He is so scared to be disowned that he refuses to assert himself. He abused and abandoned our family for his parents and siblings. It's so sick
My family is enmeshed. My insecure father is the cause. I've pulled away from them. I'm prioritizing being my own woman. Discovering and creating the woman I want to be.
Thank you so much for these videos!!! Truly the only closure we will ever have!! I’m a 44 yr old man that was just discarded lil over two months ago. 22yr relationship with a 11 yr old daughter…I have plenty of faults especially not know about calling my partner out….going through so much…child alienation has been going on since the discard. I’m learning so much, and have a long road of recovery ahead. The cold disregard for any of my feelings really hurt and fog out what’s going on really…scary part is how long this crap was going on!! Be discarded at my lowest and being told that everything was my fault and how I pushed her away when I’m trying to talk and work on the problems but just to be told too late I need a break. I was told I was gaslighting every situation and how I was a narcissist….at the time I didn’t even know what being a narcissist meant. So I started to reflect and look it up..don’t get me wrong, I have learned that I have some traits but the more I watched and read it only described her actions to the T!! So disturbing to see no remorse or accountability for their actions!! I was actually told that I needed to take responsibility for the things I did. I can only hope at this stage is to stop anyone from possibly calling that person out and reacting with anger!!! Very brutal behavior will follow!
My therapist many years ago used the word "enmeshment" to describe my mother's relationship with her sisters but also the parasitical way she relates to other people, like my father and her own mother.
It's as though she doesn't have a developed ego, still in some dependent fetal stage. Maybe she can't help it but I don't care. The same goes for my daughter who was having tantrums 25 years ago demanding FREEDOM but that the same time craving complete enmeshment with me. I thought this may be genetic, since we lived in a different country apart from my mother, so she had little contact with her while growing up.
I told my daughter I had a right to my opinion, didn't like the person who eventually became her spouse and with whom she achieved her complete dissolution of ego. She used to have some individuality but being with this control freak (a family therapist and mediator, no less), she is just a shell of her former self. As long as she is with him, I feel I have no chance but the years are slipping by so it might be until the end of my life.
My mother would say, "I shouldn't have to ask you to help me, you should pay attention and see what I need help with." Grooming for being hypervigilant and codependent.
Narcissists see everything as binary or `opposites´, my way or the highway, black and white.
I love you so much for this with the boundaries.
A LOT of people do seem to think that love and trust mean that boundaries go away, instead of understanding boundaries as things that make trust and love possible.
YES, you're right!
It depends on your culture. As an Asian Immigrant, I was raised with family values that are different from the western Culture.
@@percubit10 And that's part of the problem. A lot of cultures encourage enmeshment and no boundaries as love.
@@mimi42428 I was raised to hel ande share. Boundaries make life difficylt here. I was raised with trying to help people around me.
Such a timely message. Going through it with my mother trying to break this enmeshed generational curse. I’m at wits end right now. I’m dealing with similar issues in my marriage as well. Sounds all too familiar. I just watched the movie “Mommy Dearest” for the first time. Yep. My eyes are officially open. 😳🙄😬
Seems like what my wife got caught up in with her father. She is going to get divorced if she doesn't wake up. 😢
Me: oh I am so in love. Hijackle: Gottcha! So awful and very true!
12 years ago I cut off the enmeshment with the golden sibling, I was so angry! I went no contact for many years and now I'm very guarded when I speak with this sibling.
So 10 years later i marry a hijackle, and become to be enmeshed and trauma bonded with him. I can relate to this video very much, thank you for putting these behaviors of mine into the correct perspective.
You're very welcome.
Please do a show on emotional incest Dr.Rhoberta.
He keeps attributing various motives to my thoughts and actions, treating me a certain way because of it and none of it is accurate. It's almost a paranoia, making me as dishonest as he is, which is wrong. I find myself getting very angry because I'm being painted in an unflattering way and my input on this matter is totally ignored. They're MY thoughts! They're MY plans. I told you what they are and you discount them?
I had the exact same experience… he projected his dishonesty and disloyalty onto me! Soul crushing trying to prove myself 😢
What if you want to move to the country because you live sustainable living and self-responsibility and the other person has been future faking you into living in the city? I have wanted to move and I was told it wasn’t safe for the baby? Then He said after the baby is born we would move and it has been over 5 yrs of waiting. I’m going to leave so he has been planning many things to prevent this but it’s still going to happen.
I didn't know I was enmeshed until just now. 😳 Thank you Dr. Shaler.
Love your neighbor as your self. Best said to have equal love.
Thank you….I’ve experienced this treatment for decades from npd sister….so happy I now know so I can stay away
You see it now, so you will remember why you choose to stay away...and safer.
Mother in law , my husband has bow tried to continue the cycle with me. I quit today. ❤ Thankyou
Very good and right on time in my healing journey. Thank you
Hijackals. What a great term! Thank you !! I appreciate your direct and yet lighthearted way of explaining the patterns of enmeshment with a hijackal. Subscribed!
They like to muddy the waters.
Where were you to help me 50 yrs ago😊😊😊
Right? These younger ppl don't realize how good they have it to learn about this early on. It took me 45 yrs to find out there was a name for this narcissism. If only I knew early on that I grew up in a house of soul sucking monsters 🕊️
Yes my mother wa slike that.. total enmeshment from my 0 to 6 where I couldn't cry because she would cry and I would have to take care of her until my 6 when she started drinking being aggressive and married men in the house asking to start in my bedroom every evening and night and telling me she would be kill everytime I tried to speak up about it.. that and other hijackal type behaviors.. I know that well... thinking about it, it's probably why I get trapped by the beginning of hijackals relationship since we understand what love is (part of ot) before 6 I think?
You are awesome!!! ❤❤
Thank you🤗
I KNOW A WOMAN WHOSE 43 WITH A 20 YEAR OLD SON SHE RAISED ALONE.SHE HAS HAD A BOYFRIEND FOR 12 YEARS WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. HE ONLY SPENDS 2 WEEKS A YEAR VISITING HER BUT SUPPORTS HER FINANCIALLY. TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION SHE ENMESHED HER SON SO HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE. IM EVEN CONVINCED THEY SATISFY EACH OTHERS SEXUAL NEEDS. SHE THINKS SHES A GREAT MOTHER BECAUSE HER SON DOESNT GO OUT, SMOKE DOPE AND SPEND HIS MONEY ON GIRLS, LIKE A NORMAL KID.
Probably more common than known
Amen
Little tribes. Power in numbers. Like sheep. But they sure looked so nice on Sunday morning. Even though grandpa had a little secret. That he was a flaming alcoholic. 😊
What is enmeshment
Interesting how they changed back to the 1950’s model.
Ride or Die 😢