If you have ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT send this to your partner.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.พ. 2023
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I’m no longer going to burden my man with this. I genuinely believe anxious and avoidants naturally attract because we have to learn from each other to become secure. You really attract your opposite. It’s crazy.
This makes me so sad, as someone who leans anxiously attached… after many failed relationships and then finally marrying someone who leans avoidant (but is ultimately a great spouse) the only thing that has finally helped me improve is the realization that my behavior was utterly selfish. No one deserves the tyrannical demands of my “anxiety.” Watching this video further drives the point that anxiously attached people, if they choose to victimize themselves, create such a heavy burden on the people who love them.
I’m also anxiously attached and have recently realized this. I’m happy for you for doing to self work and having the self awareness to be better for your partner 👏 good luck to you both
Sounds familiar. Did we know each other? 🙃
It’s not that simple. I hear you. And you’re not wrong. We should take responsibility for our own actions. But people help people. And partners who are better at feeling safe on their own can ultimately take these steps and eventually be a catalyst at shifting their partners into a more secure partner. My sister and her partner have achieved it. It’s not that easy but you just have to be willing to 1. Communicate 2. Do the work on your own 3. Get help from your partner as well.
Is your husband self aware? Because when I hear avoidant, I’m like 😳
Me too!
For years me and my wife didn't know what's not clicking. We had enough wisdom not to split up for 16 years and now after a few years of therapy, we finally settle down in this warm togetherness. Knowledge is a king.
Bravo 👏🏻
Finally a success story
I have an anxious attachment style and it’s oh-so exhausting. I am sick of myself and my patterns. I wish I wasn’t like this, it’s hard to change but I’m actively trying. When I do have an anxious episode, I feel like I literally can’t breathe and the whole world is crashing down on me. I just recently came across your channel and you explain everything so perfectly, thank you.❤️
It is crazy how its like some kind of latent virus, that can blossom (poor choice of words I know) if you get triggered. The anxiety can be extreme. Having strong experiences like this helped me because I could see that it really was something out of the ordinary, like a disease, and that it really stands out and if so, can be dealt with. I wish you all the best and may we all heal from this. I believe it can be done. Good luck ❤
Let me tell you I’m the worse of the worse with being anxious. I redirected all my energy to pleasing God. Knowing he’ll be there no matter what happens has changed my life. If your fed up trying everything else I promise you God is the answer. He gives you security and a freedom that’s amazing. Pray and read scripture. You have my word your life will change. May God help everyone that seeks him. 🙏🏼
@@jayhoss7724thank you for sharing this. I experienced extreme anxiety after my partner left on a trip for a few days. I have no real reason to feel this way. At that moment God took my eyes to Isaiah 41:10 - which says “do not yield to fear….” But I really want the Lord to help me to overcome this because these experiences can be tormenting.
Yep, same here, my friend. My husband of 22 years passed away very suddenly almost 14 months ago and, for the past 5 months, I've been dating an incredible guy who I have fallen very hard for. The relationship has been going amazingly well, yet I still have CONSTANT anxiety and insecurity about the thought of him one day losing interest in me. He has NEVER given me any indication that this happening, in fact, quite the opposite. He has given me nothing but positive feedback about our relationship and keeps saying how much he loves our weekends spent together and how they go by WAY too fast. He has even introduced me to his best friend/business partner and he's now ready to meet my parents (something he actually brought up a few weeks ago). I just get SUPER anxious and almost into a state of extreme panic when he takes a while to text me back, which is SO stupid, because he has been ROCK SOLID in his communication/texting these entire 5 months and I KNOW that he ALWAYS texts me back as soon as he can. I really wish I could find a way to deal with this as it is EXHAUSTING!!!!!
People who are secure seem to always except infidelity. If being secure means that you forgo true love I'm not so sure I want it. Furthermore I fully believe that the anxious attached people have an extremely high perception. They can see where most of the world is unfaithful in heart, mind, and soul! This is the reality of the world! Another hard fact is that people who are avoidant have an extremely high rate of infidelity. It doesn't make the anxious person dumb when they question things it's simply a very high perception of what other people are thinking or planning.
Thank you xx
1. Offer constant reassurance.
2. Prioritise consistency in attention.
3. Follow through with all commitments and promises.
4. Encourage learning about their attachment style.
Damn this woman is spot on. Just as she said, as ridiculous as it sounds, disruption in daily flows can be a trigger and reassurance is huge.
Everyone needs reassurance... And it is very important. I was never in a relationship with the man, but one thing I was tired of was not being reassured, and encouraged. Felt like no matter what I did (to make things happen), it wasn't enough or I wasn't good enough... I gave up. But on my part, I should have been different too. I was also complaining alot at the beginning... Which created a cycle. He felt like not doing enough, then he gave up and in the end I was the one who felt like I wasn't doing enough...
@@marysophy3665 its diff trust me we need it like someone might need oxygen
Yesss
This. As someone with some anxiety, not terrible anxiety, but SOME. We tend to over think and when we share with our friends, you will hear “listen to your gut, listen to your intuition” and so on and so on. What a lot of people or more specifically our friends and family do not often understand, is that worrying due to anxiety and over thinking can often imitate our intuition and make us second guess our selves. The solution: stop talking about your relationship with people- friends and family- that cannot objectively look at the relationship. Because they will contribute in the destruction of your relationships by building up your anxiety like it is legit, when the intuition we should be looking at is that this is not our intuition at all but anxiety!
This is not to say that intuition is not real, of course it can be. I am just making the point that with someone with anxiety, telling them to trust their gut- in my personal opinion is terrible. Why don’t we tell people to look at things logically. At the idea- what actual evidence do we have of this, is something triggering reminding of a past situation. Or have you seen actual evidence and if not then worrying constantly is doing no good and we have to just keep working on ourselves to develop new habits to divert our fixation from our relationship, and onto ourself. And making ourself better. And with consistency stop doing the things that are not helping but making worse.
Your comment is so true btw, many relationships fail because when asking friends and family they will always take your side and just suggest breaking up. I read somewhere that your relationships are more likely to fail if you discuss problems with friends and family INSTEAD of the person you're actually in a relationship with.
This! This is my issue. I want to trust my gut and intuition, but can’t.
I even cant somehow trust my partner as well. It's really exhausting.
Exact same here, and thanks to my mom for saying the truth to me, a man works different, traumas are different, but mostly im not loving myself enough thats making me feel like i need someone to be loved and exist, thanks for ur comment it actually reassured me, and also avoidant doesnt mean its toxic, it can work
I feel like many anxious people wish that others could love them through it. But thats also an anxiously attached thought. It’s sad but true
I feel like I am such a burden with an anxious attachement style, I created so many conflicts when I got triggered, and in those moments I only threaten that I want to go away so I don't get hurt..
I'm so glad Scarlett Johansen is doing therapy now!!!😊
Lol
This is so important. I’ve always known my attachment style leaned towards anxious but my current relationship with a secure partner is the first time a mirror’s been held to my face to show me /how/ the anxious attachment manifests.
I found out I make little jokes about both leaving or being left because I want to prepare myself for the “inevitability” of breaking up. Instead of turning it into a fight he just told me what that felt like and in turn it made me realize where it was coming from. Man. Childhood will really f you up, even if it wasn’t a sordid one.
Y'all. It can be changed ❤. I'm three weeks in fighting the dragon that is anxious attachment. I have been in therapy for two + months from religious trauma and through that, realized why I've became a person I didn't like. It snapped for me when I started researching co-dependency and then Margarita's video on anxious attachment popped up. I needed to see what I was doing as a dragon to realize it isn't me and it is no longer a part of me. Since learning about it, I have a strict meditation, self-affirmation and self-soothing schedule I keep to every day and I feel wayyy less needy and desperate. It can be changed and I'm so glad and so proud of the work I'm doing and I hope you are too. ❤❤❤. Thank you, Margarita for the way you address this topic.
Hey, can you Tell More About the Methods you use to help yourself?
What is ur schedule? Snd what did u tell ur therapist to help ? Like u told them im here because i think im codependent? Im trying to understand this. Im having anxiety from this crap . Thnk u
Can you please share your methods that are helping? And maybe update on your progress? Thank you in advance
Yea I fixed it but it took going to therapy twice a week for 2 years. It was hell
I'm finding it so helpful to do my own thing, have my own routine, and have my itinerary. This definitely helps the anxiety.
I need to get rid of all the clutter in my home,
in my body, in my spirit, in my space, in my mind.
Love this video. I always used to think my anxiety was my intuition but it wasn’t. Now that I’ve begun healing my anxious attachment, I now see more love and more graciousness than I ever did before. Made me emotional because wow it’s like off the foggy glasses tainted by the past and actually seeing things how they are.
I battle with this too!! Is it anxiety or intuition 🤔 I literally never know.
Can totally relate to this!
Oh. My. Goodness. The first sentence. Hit me hard. That was my revelation.
Amen amen and amen!! I truly thought it was my gut feeling aka intuition until just this second reading your comment. Wow!
Omg thanks for saying it. I thought the same but now I'm realizing
Thank you for this.!!! ❤ I’m a male 48 years old and I’m finding out that I’m anxious attached. Me and my wife have been sitting down together to watch your videos. She’s avoidant. You have been dead on with everything you’ve said. Thank you for helping me not feel like I’m crazy and weak. Now I know the issue I have and now I can focus on what I need to do to fix it. I have switched my attachment to God first. Praying and faith has really helped me overcome this whirlwind that I sometimes experience. I’ve always looked to my wife for everything. Self worth mostly. I’m also seeing a Christian counselor to help. Thanks again.
Same here! Finding God has helped me with this so much!
As someone that has 50% of anxious attachment, this video has helped me to understand the kind of partner I should be looking for. I do not feel discouraged or think that I’m “too difficult” I just need to keep looking. Out there, there is someone who would know mind telling me that He loves me many times a day and that understands my background and understands what I’m coming from. I manifest that I will find that person ✨
But why would you chose to manifest someone who is gonna cope with your 50% anxious attachment rather then manifest a secure attachment for yourself?
You are still choosing to be in half way healthy relationship, rather then do your work and attract someone with secure attachment as well.
As Oksana said, you need to manifest that you can develop a secure attachment style. Otherwise you'll end up feeling attracted too "50%" avoidant personalities and youo will still trigger each other. Yes you can still work with an avoidant partner to overcome your attachment insecurities together, but it would for sure be better to aim to become secure yourself first and that is how you will actually attract someone who will be able to give you healthy love.
not about looking for the "perfect"/right "someone". It happens naturally by itself. One doesn't have to look and hunt for relationships. It comes naturally, when and if one is doing the inner work, which anyone that is not "secure" in this framework of attachment styles has to be responsible to do. No one is supposed to carry, take our "undealt with shit".
Love, J
I love how you u do not tell your audience outright to END the relationship but instead try every possible way to make things work. I am currently looking for the best way for an anxiously attached and avoidant-attached person to work and your contents are such an eye-opener. Now, I am currently working on how to be securely attached from being anxiously attached. Hope you continue making these types of vlogs.
Can you do a video on secure attachment turns into anxious attachment due to trust issue and how we can go back to being securely attached again?
Now i understand why i used to feel triggered. My boyfriend used to just disappeared without telling me, making changes in plans without letting me know and going days without communication. I used to feel anxious and i felt of crying. I hope I'll change now.
that’s rly hard harry styles
Two days listening to your videos and it has been a woke up . I lost a good man because of this . ❤😢
"Not everybody should leave. That's unrealistic." I find this to be very true. I have been seeing a person who displays many traits that resemble a dismissive avoidant. Whenever we get emotionally close, I can feel him pulling away. I have been advised not to get involved with him romantically which I agreed, but he is also my friend and I can't get him out of my life. Thank you so much for the insight.
This is me. I think I feel worse, I didn't realize how incredibly hard I must be to deal with. No wonder my "relationship" is going the way it is. I think it's time to back out of this, work on myself, and find a person who is willing to meet me somewhere in the middle... I dunno if I believe my "anxious attachment" is really a "fixable" issue.
I see some people saying you can indeed move towards a more secure attachment. I think it can be done, but it probably requires hard work and dedication. While working on that, good communicating skills and an understanding partner can probably go a long way.
Clearly communicating your feelings and needs without ”demanding” anything from your partner. It’s not on them to handle the anxiety and putting that burden on them can probably destroy a relationship.
There are ways to communicate clearly that won’t put too much strain on the relationship, eg using ”I-messages”. When …objective event… I feel… because…
Me and my ex have these I’m an avoidant and she’s anxious I’m trying to fix our relationship I’ve made progress thankfully but learning how someone with her attachment will help me understand how to be there for her the right way! I’ve already told her I’m not going anywhere multiple times recently and I’m working on it
#7 is so true and real that it made me cry. 😢 This is all anyone really wants - to be seen and witnessed. A perfectly reasonable request that does not need to be fixed or changed, simply honored by a caring human being.
I sent her this video and I am praying to the Lord she would understand and be willing to learn about these attachment styles I love her so much and I don’t want my anxiety to be the cause of my relationship getting ruined. Ik she loves me but my anxiety has been behind every conflict we had and her avoidant behaviour in response to this hurts more than I could express in any human language and me trying to communicate with her seems scary since I don’t want to cause even more problems and I hope this would help and encourage her to work with me
This made me cry. I am trying so so hard to change this about myself but it would be nice to find someone to love me through it 😢 this is me spot on….it hurts so much!
😢. You can do it. Believe in your self
I have an avoidant attachment, but my partner has an anxious attachment style, and i want to make sure i don't hurt him as i am working through my trauma while we are together.
This is how I lost everyone in my life. I wish I found this video just a few days earlier it would have saved me so much hurts . Thank you I'll use it next time 😊
“they need to be seen.” those words made me cry 😭 thank you for this video. im working on a healthy attachment style. my ex broke up with me due to my attachment style so…
I’m currently working on my anxious attachment and respecting his boundaries and wishes for space but when the time is right I’ll send this to him.
Margarita, thank you so much for this video. Anxiously attached here, reading and studying a lot, but I've never felt so validated as I am rn. I'm crying bc you gave me comfort and hope. Looking up at your experience, will go on. God bless you.
I agree with her, I know I am this way and when she said if you told her you loved her this morning she may not believe it tonight, it resonated with me. When I was very young my mom completely changed her personality with me & stop showing her love. I didn’t understand it so when I would have partners i would freak out & assume they’d do the same thing & abandon me even when they were doing everything right so I would purposely avoid them to protect myself. I did date men who were just like her & it fueled my anxiety. You just have to find a guy who knows how and why you need constant reassurance and has no problem giving it to you. In due time that anxious attachment will fade.
I used to be fearful avoidant. Then, I healed and became secure. Then, I was repeatedly abandoned and several of my friends and family died in a short span of time and became anxious and have been ever since. Now, I realize that anxiety has been driving my behavior and I've learned to self soothe and patiently give space. It's hard because it has been more than a week since we talked but I'm hoping he will return my messages and we can talk about everything in an even kilter. Pray for me. I'm gonna need it.
How did it go
They want to be seen. 😢
Waw that breaks my heart.
You know. Anxious and avoidant both want to bee seen.
This is soooo intresting
I am the guy 👦
Before I even watched this video I knew it'd resonate with me and my boyfriend (we were just talking when I saved it to my list tho) and now after watching it its literally a solution to all of our problems 🥹 everything I've been telling him and myself. We have been way better since we actually made things official but I still think this video would benefit us tremendously.
I’m avoidant watching this, but I’m doing the work to become secure.
Oh lord, im gonna be honest on this one. Ive suffered from anxious attachment throughout my whole life but did not come to realize what this was until my recent relarionship. Im with my man for almost 2 years now, and the attachment has proven to have grown worse. He's a wonderful partner and has done so much for me. But in my mind, i always fear.for the worst to happen in our future. And when we're not together my mind SPIRALS. i sound insane but im here being raw and truthful. Ive grown utterly attached to him to the point where i feel like i need to depend on him for everything; my emotions, how my mind works, my problems, etc. I genuinly deep down know in my heart this is unhealthy and that if i do continue this i will lose him and hes the best partner ive ever had.
Anxiously Attachment, i am trying to become Secure, I am married to an Avoidant ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Been waiting 4 this 1
I wish I could’ve sent this to him before I broke up with him. I couldn’t take it. My anxious attachment was eating me a live. I felt like he was going to leave me
Love love love this video!!
😭😭😭 ❤❤❤ so so good! Thank you!
love these videos.
Your video on attachment that randomly popped up led me to look into this topic and find out I'm disorganized. I now have an understanding where my constant one-off feelings and lack of intimacy in an otherwise stable relationship comes from and I can finally do something about it
@8:49 yes so true. My family life wasn’t even that bad. I believe my anxious attachment originated from the fact that I’ve always moved from place to place, new schools, new friends, new faces. Nobody ever seems to be permanent in my life. Everyone leaves eventually…or at least that’s what I’ve come to expect. When I find people I really like whether it’s a partner or friends I can become clingy to them when they show signs they might abandon me.
I don’t need *constant* reassurance, it’s not /that/ serious. My ex and I went 2-3 days without talking sometimes and it didn’t set off my anxiety because I knew she’d always be there. (Keep in mind that she probably had an anxious attachment style too so the distance was also killing her)
Thank you for that beautiful post
Your style of sharing this content is just right. More of this please
I played both sides of insecure growing up. first I was anxious sabotaging relationships, people pleasing, passive aggressive..(learned alot during this time)
to learning the game in my early 20s, being manipulative, untrusting, selfish(worked hard to get there)
Now in my 40s I'm harmonious, tactful and respectful.(worked hard to get here)
there's always room for improvement, so I'm taking notes 📝
love your green shirt💚
4:25 - right on! Yes.
Yes more of this!❤
One more amazing video! Thanks Margarita! you can explain it in a very simple way 🙏
New subscriber. I’m really into this channel right now
Love your channel! 20 yrs of counseling, and you explained better than any therapist I've ever had. Thank you!
Margarita, you are truly so strong, comunicative, experienced, sharp and intelligent, I am very impressed and grateful that you have such an empathic and generous heart, I wish you all the best:**
Wow, thank you
Everyone needs to be seen. Non only the anxious attached.
This made me feel so seen. I wish I could have sent this to my ex while we were together. Thank you for your compassion. It’s so soothing as an anxious/disorganized to hear you speak my soul.
I replayed the timeline from 14:30 probably 5 times and cried almost each time. I am anxiously attached (recently known)
Want to be a success story with my partner whom i have been in love with for the past 5 months. Please bless us 🙏🏻
The being held in that emotion is spot on! It truly moves mountains when someone can hold that space for you to feel things without shutting you down or deflecting. Couples therapy really helped my relationship in ways that we never could have without it, how to show up and co-regulate as well as asking the other partner to witness our pain without blaming them for it completely. Most of the time we show up as our inner child in present day conflict and anticipated betrayal, it takes real skill to hold yourself while also asking to be held. Creator knows I'm still working through that but I am more upfront about my internal battles with my partner and he is with me as well and it works for us, we are growing towards a more secure attachment, which is beautiful for our son to witness.
amazing stuff
Watching this really help me understand my avoidant partner.
I’m new to your channel but I have gobbled up pretty much every word in your vids and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and this content. You are giving voice and explanation to peoples trauma thus facilitating healing. You’re a healer and I appreciate you🙏🙏
I love you. Seriously. I’m so glad I came across your content, it definitely was for a reason. I’m going to share this with my partner. I have been meaning to have a conversation with him about my AAS.
I can relate to all of this. And at this stage in my life it is SO MUCH NICER to be single.
woah. I relate a lot to this and you give a lot of good advice
Your mental awareness is amazing. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
This was really helpful, I wish I could have learned this earlier. Thank you Margarita
Thank you, it was a big help for me ❤
You're changing my life
This was extremely helpful! And so super insightful 😊 thank you so much
brilliant stuff - keep up the good work! Im sure its helping so many people, including me! ❤
pls make more of these. you’re very knowledgeable, very beautiful inside and out, just subbed ❤
I love your feminine energy content 🤍🤍 Please continue
As someone who is an avoidant, I cannot agree more with the advice that is given here. Thank you for spreading this knowledge around.
thank you so much ❤
You’re like the elder sister I always wanted 💗
Honestly I love your content. It really gives me a different perspective from how I see things but not in a invalidating or cynical way. As a highly anxious attached person I feel sometimes I’m passed being healthy. Growing up was hard time for me and your videos gave me a lot of clarity as to why I could be this way. The healing is hard but I will refer to your videos thank you for guidance and clarity 😣
girl where were you in my life when I needed youuuu
Hey Magarita , you have helped me beyond explanation. Thankyou so much I appreciate your lived experience and expertise.
I attract avoidant partners and I’m in the process of creating a secure attachment. Your amazing !!!! Thankyou so much ❤🎉 because it’s embarrassing but i feel seen heard and understood in this space and that alone is incredibly healing. Thankyou so much
I literally just sent this video to my partner. You’ve helped me! So I hope it sheds some light for him,& help our relationship
I enjoy this video you created. Thank you for making this video. You show a lot of humanity toward a partner like this. I think this is what I need to treat my future partner. I came with no good too, so I know what I got back was because what I give out. I learned from your video that, I just need to see my partner he is a true human being. And thus, from here on out I seek a honest and open hearted partner, he is out there. ❤
That color looks so great on you!!
I love these videos! I’m anxious attached type. My partner is you guessed it.. the avoidant!
I guess, as an anxiously attached person in her healing process, I can apply all those advices to myself too. Great video again, thank you
Hi, Thank you. Goodness. Very grateful TH-cam recommended your videos. So timely. Thank you for taking the time, care and precision to create these. I had not heard of attachment styles (until 1 wk ago), and I wish I’d known 3wks ago as I would not have shut down and bolted on the most caring guy, who (although I apologised, in voice Mail) will not respond. Such a pity, but at least I know now and I have a toolkit of understanding myself and possibly him too (!). Than you, again.
You are mind blowing❤the way you speak and how you explain this helps me a lot
I love your videos... 😍 Thank you so much!!! I wanna learn more about anxious and avoidant attachment relationship dynamics... 🙏🏻
3:30 - nice assumptions ;)
I have fearful avoidant attachment, leaning secure, or so I thought until a few weeks ago, and I am very, very much interested in learning about and understanding others, and even more so to see through my own traumas and "bullshit".
Love, J
Never thought I’d say this (about the color itself) but the color of your shirt suits and complements you SO well! 👏
I feel I might have a disorganized attachment style as I'm -now- aware how deeply I need the connection but, at the same time, freeze when I get (from unknow sources or at moments when I'm not searching for it). I see parts of myself in this video as I saw other parts in the avoidant video but I do feel I lean more to this anxious side. When you said we just want to be witnessed I just cried. That hit home so hard I couldn't manage.
I'm truly trying to change, doing research, searching for help, opening to friends, etc.; but is still hard at times and I feel so damn lonely sometimes that I just want to go away very far away and not turning back.
You are an incredibly wise and mature woman who has clearly learnt a great deal from her life experiences. Thank you for your videos.
I love this types of videos ❤Reminds me that we have different types of attachments… I’m such a bubbly person that I always forget to not sit on people’s throats 🙈🙈😊 Love these as a reminder ❤😢
Thank you so much for this video. Very informative. I'm a fearful avoidant, but watching other attachment styles is very interesting.
You are an amazing woman, I love your videos! This video helped me understand what I should do for my partner and also gave me perspective on some of my insecurities. Really helpful and interesting. Thank you for this.
I cried the whole video...
Cuz you definatelt described me to a T (as the anxiously attached partner)... Thanks for putting words and hope to go through that condition ❤....Ouff! Time to heal that lil girl inside
Thank-you for this video. It gives me hope for the future. It validates my needs, explains why and increase my will to heal 🙏
Thank you for the video!
My pleasure!
I used to become anxiously attached as well and over time ( many years), learned to step back and trust rather than worry about stuff I had no need to become alarmed & rattled by. Margarita, your explanations are so very clear and stated plainly, but kindly. I wish I got myself together long ago. Some mighty good relationships might've had a better chance to flourish. If you had been around then, sharing this excellent wisdom and insight it'd have made a real difference for me. I hope your videos are reaching lots of people going through this right now. Thank you and bless you! Much admiration & respect to you.
Thanks for saving my relationship. I have bad episodes of anxiety and jealousy around my period days. Recently it was very bad and we almost broke up. I just kept thinking what if you were right, what If he wasn’t planning to hurt me? Then all that worry was just for nothing. I need to remember this more often.
Please make a video on fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment and cptsd.