I get accused of being the narcissist when I call them out on their abusive behavior. They are always the victim especially when the actions that they took offense to were a result of my response to their abusive behavior. (Going no contact)
i noticed they have no problem criticizing you or picking you apart, but the moment you point out the truth about them, they become a victim and accuse you of abuse, belittling, bullying, attacking them. but never listen or accept your point, ever.
Yep. Happy to critique, undermine and give their ‘opinion’ about you all day, but you stand up for yourself and question their constant criticism, and the accusations of judgement and attacks begin.
Hey! Since 2004 right here and just now realizing and still trying to get out. I've wondered if anyone is supposed to survive this for this long. If it doesn't kill You it what?
It's important to note that part of keeping their image polished for everyone else means they never let anyone else see them devalue you. Everyone thinks they are wonderful. This works against you in two ways. First you doubt yourself thinking that at least in some way you must be part of the problem. After all they seem like overall kind and respected people. You believe they are good at their core. They just don't understand how much they are hurtng you. (This is reinforced when every once in a while they treat you well just to keep you hanging on.) Secondly if you ever contemplate leaving them it seems impossible because all your family and friends would think you were crazy or selfish or unappreciative of your obviously good spouse. It took videos and books from survivors to finally get a clue after 40 years of what was going on. Then the thing that helped most was to make a list of all the hurtful things I remembered over the last 10 years that no one but I was aware of.
It took me 34 years. Thankfully I read an article about covert narcissism and then my eyes were open. Hope you are healing and living your best life ever!
You've explained that well, it's so confusing but then when you realise what's going on it helps with the closure. They will portray you as the bad person to their friends or family. That's why they act differently when other people are there. Its a proper head job. Telling lies about your partner then seeking advice from the people they are telling lies to. It's all so mean.
The narcissist that I'm dealing with have not only did valued me but have basically dehumanized me.. and the flying monkeys in the smear campaign is on a crazy scale.
This ! I always had a hard time coming up with the word for what the abuser was doing to me , it was more than just being critical or devalued. It was dehumanizing
10:56 it’s so hard because I did leave and I’m not going back but I’m with family and nobody understands the dept of this with me. I sincerely need to talk to someone that understands because I don’t want to go back but it’s just so hard. Nobody listens to me when I tell them I’m struggling. Nobody understands and I can’t feel any better unless I watch these videos. These videos have saved my life Michele!!! I just feel so confused and crazy and I just need help I need to talk to someone who understands
They single out a scapegoat like was described in “MAN of THE PEOPLE “ in Star Trek Next Gen. Picard nailed it. It also focuses others on the victim and off of them. Sadly people are frequently obtuse and don’t feel offended seeing another person targeted or even pick up on the cowardly blackballing.
Persistant Emotional abuse and trauma which it cases is like having an emotional stroke, we need therapy and healthy support to get back to our healthy selves. Thank you❤
Narcisists Project their garbage onto us and regulate themselves in This way. It is vital to heal our childhood wounds to be able to Spot it and shield ourselves against their poisonous bullets.
I agree with much of what you're saying here Michele, but I would argue they use this as a kind of "one up" on you, so it's about enabling them to see us as trash and that they're so much better than us, thereby continuing their delusion of how good they are, or how much better they are than us. I had 2 parents doing this shit to me all my life .... and was in relationships with women that were just the same until I finally was able to break from of the cycle.
This happened with my ex but he oscillated between grandiose and covert. He would put certain people on pedestals and others were not worthy of his time. Ugh.. finally after 3 years away, I’m starting to heal. Great video!!
Usually, by the time you learn the person is a "covert narcissist", you have already 'dealt' with them in one way or another. You cannot and will not recognize the person as a 'covert narcissist' just by looking at them or having casual interactions with them. You have to observe, listen, and understand what you SAW,what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that. Now don't that sound easy. The better question is how do you STOP 'dealing with' a covert narcissist once you understand what you SAW, what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that? The 'best way' to 'deal with a covert narcissist' is to STOP listening, STOP observing, STOP wondering WHY, and STOP having ANY interaction with them. If you MUST have interactions with them, limit the interactions as much as possible. No "hi, how are you doing", no "hi, I wish I had time to talk to you", no "hi, it's nice to see you", just "hi, hope you're doing well, I've got to run" or just "hi" and keep walking. If at all possible avoid ANY setting or situation where the narcissist or a 'flying monkey' can observe you or listen to you. 'Flying monkeys' are the narcissist's 'possessions'. Dealing with or interacting with anything or anybody the narcissist 'owns' is considered the same as 'dealing with' or interacting with the narcissist. The more you 'deal with' a covert narcissist, the more you will have to 'deal with'. Do not 'run' from a covert narcissist unless you can 'run' totally away from them. When you 'run' from a narcissist, it makes them feel powerful and important. They like that and will make a sport out of watching you 'run'. Once you 'learn' the person is a 'covert narcissist', you have to 'learn' to either 'covertly' avoid the hell out of them or 'overtly' have NO CONTACT with them and refuse to 'deal with' them. This all SOUNDS so simple and easy, but ask anybody who has ever "dealt with" one and they'll tell you it's one of hardest things they've ever 'dealt with'. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.
Thank you for the deep post. It all made sense to me. I have had to deal with a narcissists and a psychopath (two different persons). I agree that by the time you have doubts about their personality (disorder), you are already in a fight with them. They have singled you out in their mind before you noticed them and they have pushed all your buttons…
I ended a 3 year relationship with a narcissist. In the beginning starts love bombing and I was the most beautiful men of the world. She wants kids and a future togheter. I was feeling so lucky. After one year I tried to help this girl to grow because she was so insecure and run away from facts. After this period this person start to devalued me. I was not good enough anymore and she act like she is the most perfect woman of the world. I was shocked and don’t know what do anymore and tried to recover our relationship. She was only interested in high value persons with status. This girl treated me like a dog. There was a lack of empathy. I feel still worthless. But working on myself now. After 2 months i’m confused, because everything started so good and I know I didn’t do anything wrong. 😢
Man don't give up!! I'm there too 4 months though after the discard . Believe me it's all bullshit Exact same story as you . If you listened carefully and start back tracking and thinking of all the things she said most likely you'll see that this is a pattern in her life... I know that as a man It.hurts more thinking that maybe you're lazy or poor and she was always talking highly of other "successful" man but it was all her bullshit I hope you can work on yourself go to therapy .. believe me this confusion will transform into anger and use that anger to go to.the gym or something
Paternity test for kid. STD test for self. Male narcs run a secret harem. Female narcs run a secret stable. Many victims never wake up from the narcissistic fog. And see the infidelity. Some take multiple realizations … starts off with one lover. A few years later they realize it was six lovers. A few decades later and more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and they realize it was dozens of casual risky encounters sometimes with relative strangers. My male narc had myself, a relatively stable secret lover plus casual risky encounters averaging three lovers a year. Over eight years of marriage it was twenty five different people. There can be secret children (secret family) if it’s a male narc. Secret terminations if it’s a female narc. Secret holidays with the lover called business trips or conferences are commonplace. Chlamydia is the most common STD. In a male victim this will present as an irritable smelly discharge for no apparent reason which should be your wake up call that she is sleeping around.
I suppost the most difficult thing about being married to a BIPOLAR COVERT NARCISSIST was that NOBODY BELIEVED ME!!! After about 30 years of marriage I finally found a clinical psychologist who actually believed me. It was then that I began to take the steps to get away from this toxic person. (And it was at this point that our 4 sons were now grown and out on their own so this responsibility was finished.)
Michele, I was in a fight with my narc husband, it was bad, I got a hotel room for the night and watched one of your videos and had my eyes opened to narcissism. I will always be so grateful for you and your videos, you are literally saving lives!! God Bless you!
@francoisgouws7288 great advice, wish I did that 3 years ago. He controlled the money so when I took back control of my paychecks that is when it ended- abruptly.
The narcissist I was with said there’s only you that’s got a problem with me and I said that’s because I live with you ! The emotional abuse was off the charts - I felt like I was dying inside , I found the last bit of strength I could muster and I left whilst he was in work . A few weeks later I met him to discuss the house etc and what a shock - he looked terrible , and was feeble and weak and trying to get sympathy but I kept my feelings to myself and acted indifferent - this was the moment I realised it was him who had the problem 100% I felt like I was being cruel but I could not go back to living with him . My family didn’t believe me as he’s so nice to everyone on the outside and that was one of the hardest things but I’ve got 3 wonderful friends and I have done my inner work as to why I let it go on for so long . The positive to come out of this is that no one will ever put me down again - I speak my truth and if people don’t like me - I’m ok with that .
Yes, this brings back memories of a narcissistic "family" environment in formative years. It seemed particularly pernicious with a religious cult component involved.
Even if you are in a good state of mind, this vlog is an opportunity for continuing mental maintenance. Not only from the past but as a preventative introspection. Well done mam.
I’m so relieved I found this. What you described, is exactly how my Supervisor is. She’s literally destroyed my morale, till I figured out what she is.
It's because it's all a show, an act. Only problem is they can't keep it up. So when they start showing their true colours they expect you to take it all, they've enjoyed the romance got what they needed (which could be anything from sex, affection, serives in repairs and maintenance or renewing thing, and money and time) once they have this they're happy to move on. It's only time before another shiny person comes alone and off they go. Leaving you in a world of confusion. The woman I got caught up with even said during the discard I didn't know who she was, she was right. I didn't know who she was I only knew the character she was playing when she was drawing me in. The real her was the evil narcissist I saw her become.
Thank you for sharing this - they DO do it to other people, they're just sneaky about how they go about it. If they really want YOU to believe YOU are the problem they won't do it to others if you're around to see it. Eventually, they'll slip up.
100%! And always know that if they are doing it to you they are doing it to others as well. If you put a big group of people in a room together they can all tell you a similar story about this person. Humans are very fallible so remember your not their only victim. They need help more than you ever will.
I get it now, he wanted me to feel shame, once he knew I knew who he really was. So he had to use even the most ridiculous things against me, because he had nothing else.
Omg! All or nothing .. exactly!! The least self-aware person and cannot admit a mistake or being wrong. Made me doubt myself and feel less than. Constantly de-values me, has never given me credit for anything I've done for him or his family. But he deserves all pats on the back because he did thus and so.
Last narc, 2019, 6months, at thw end , he wanted us to tell each other our flaws. 😂😅, I left the table. He was really pissed when his dog slept on floor on my side of bed. Asked me why!! 😂 Hadnt talked or seen for two months, he called out of the blue. Just to tell me he met the love of his life. Best sex. Organic relationship. Even tho i didnt give a crap, but, he dug deep. He was 50, me 53. I have not dated since. Not anti men, just not interested. Back into riding horses, trail riding, Team Penning, Game events, since son wwnt off to college, i am good. ❤🎉
Super spot on...very well explained!! I've lived with my narc father doing this to me my entire life, and now also my two narc brothers have joined in. Narcs at ALL times need a _"place holder" (in their minds, a trash can)_ to displace onto their true feelings about them self of which they can't integrate into their psyche. If you pay close enough attention and read between their lines, how they're now viewing you and what they're now accusation-ally shedding onto you is what they're actually guilty of and how _(deep down)_ they truly feel about them self. It's as if they've shaken off their slime onto you so they can remain feeling all shiny and new in their delusional minds. I also believe these targets they choose are not just by sheer chance, but instead because they perceive that person as a threat. If they really had any justifiable gripes with this person you'd think they'd instead actually confront them face-to-face, to give that other person a chance to be heard. ...BUT, that's not the purpose this chosen target represents to the narc. The narc likes the covert dynamic of projecting this way, just the way it is. I feel the purpose is actually a way for the narc to underhandedly project their feelings of inferiority away from them self and onto to someone else. _("TAG, you're it.")_ The narc has NO intention of wanting to be fair and clear the air with that other person _(face-to-face)_ because them being their target is serving the exact purpose...kind of like the act of sneaky illegal "dumping". This way the narc gets to shed their insecurities without ever having to face their true self, as often times these accusational projections are done behind the back of the target. So, a narc acting this way, _kills two birds with one stone_ ...relieving them of their own dark side while also taking down someone threatening to their ego who isn't marching in line to the narc's tune. Surely not a noble person's way of relating.
Regarding: not a noble persons way of relating. Discarding someone or Ghosting them without explanation equals cowardliness, a reflection of a narcissist true character.
You just sooo "get it' Michele!...and the way you describe the 'mechanics' of these relationships is very easy to understand..you bring so much clarity...thank you so much for your dedication to this work...Bless you!
Nice work, Michele. I think you've got it pegged: "... their inability to self-reflect and see the things they need to work on (clearly)." There are so many "inside" wounds, perceptions, apparent injustices that they process, incorrectly, and it's more than puzzling to try to understand why it has to come out as contempt, rejection, criticism and aggression toward us who are supposed to be supportive and connected. I think they're perhaps resurrecting the events internally of their past that were so damaging or traumatizing. They live in a crazy "split" world inside their personality.
This is very very difficult for me because literally everyone one of our mutual friends as well as teachers landlords coworkers and random people he talks to at the store are starstruck and smitten right away hes so magnetic and likeable 😕
This happens to me all the time. The people who see them as 'amazing' are their flying monkeys who seemingly have no ability to 'see through' the falsehood and fakery of the covert naracist.
Loved your explanation of something that is complicated and hurtful to take in. You really nailed this beautifully. I feel the sadness, grief, and fucked up shame I never should have had....dispersing quicker than it took him to make a mess of me!!! which took 3 years plus 3 more because I didn't understand what I had been through with someone I thought loved me. This video only took 15 minutes x 2. I was so relieved that I had to see it one more time. Thank you you gorgeous woman. You are sent by the Gods.
Anytime I wore an outfit and got a nice looking haircut I would get compliments from other people, but my mom would say “Ew! Gosh why do you cut your hair so short it looks horrible. I like how Jon styles his hair it’s so long and really suits him and he looks sooo handsome. Gosh.”
This video is on point. You explained the mechanism of why I'm repeatedly attracted to Narcissistic women. I've searched for years for this information.
@mikelore1633 This is a great video and channel for sure. As for WHY you have the pattern of attracting narcissists I recommend re thinking childhood and childhood programming. Re look at your parents.
Well done! Covert narcissists are very tricky. Thank you for explaining how they target you and only you. How they project their shame onto you. I was discarded by my covert sister who decided she was too triggered by our differences and my imperfections. She threw away our relationship last year after I had been there for her for decades. The most painful discard. I am raw with anger and confusion.
Been listening to you for a little over a month, but I just subscribed based off this video just had a conversation with my husband this morning and I keep saying I don’t understand why you can’t see. I don’t understand why you’re making me to be the bad person. It makes so much sense now.
Thank you Michele. I appreciate how you explain things. You gave me a better understanding. May your channel grow and thrive exponentially. Others will be helped and healed.
This is so recognizable ! I often told him that I would have been the happiest woman on the planet, if only he would have treated me as he treated all his friends, colleagues and even strangers ! But nope 👎🏻… Whatever I did, it was never good enough and every time he treated me badly, it was because I provoked him … nothing has ever been his fault 🤷🏼♀️ Thank you for sharing this, it helps to feel like I’m not crazy 🙏
My God, you are singing my song...telling my story. So nice, pleasant, interesting and interested in his friends, colleagues, certain family members... And then there was me. The pain in the @$$; the constant burden who couldn't "just say yes"/agree with him and his friends, 100% of the time. -- It got really bad towards the end, when one of his more overtly narcissistic friends came after me personally, shouting in my face and at one point moving to hit me before, shaking with rage, he restrained his hand and told me to "Get OUT." All because I didn't agree with the statement that "William Shatner is a great man." (SO random, none of us knew or knows Shatner, and at first when he said that I thought the friend was joking. But...no.) Angry ex apologized profusely - to the friend - because "Vicky doesn't know how to keep her big mouth shut"; whisked me out, and drove me home from the gathering (like a bad child), all the while lecturing me on _my_ behavior in between long stretches of stony silence; deposited me at our apartment and drove back to the friend's house to apologize more and finish hanging out. You can't make this stuff up.
This becomes so difficult to deal with when the covert narcissist is your boss. It’s like having to choose between quitting and be jobless or endure their smear campaigns and toxic manipulation.
Fascinating the polarization that happens and how it reflects the internal world of people with NPD. The idolization stage is a reflection of their false projected 'perfect' self. The devaluation stage is a reflection of their inner low value and ugliness.
WOW! WOW! WOW! This is beginning to make sense about devaluing. I have watched many clips read books but hearing you speak it the way that you spoke. It made total sense. Now when I come into contact with a toxic person, I’m going to have a response ready at the helm. Also, When you talked about the split personality, it made total sense to me on how you worded that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.🙏🏼
Narcissist father made me believe I can’t make mistakes.for many years I felt I wasn’t enough. I became a perfectionist, people pleaser,scared to try new things just because I was scared to fail.when my dad passed away somehow I felt unfulfilled because deep down wanted to get to a point where he was going to see me n validate me.ended up In a narcissist relationship for 3years I went through same abuse I endure from my father. I found the courage to get out currently going through my healing journey and finding myself again.
I'm a man, and you're correct about the narcissist treating others way better than you. Although with my wife I find that she treats her enablers with all the love and kindness.. everyone else, especially me gets treated badly. I get it worse than anyone, when she's raging at me or when I stand up for myself.
This makes a lot of sense, when I avoided doing things for her because I sensed something wasn’t right her true colours showed like an upset child that didn’t get there way.
I am constantly abused - in private - by my covert narc daughter. Everyone else is convinced from her smear campaign of me that our dysfunctional relating is all my fault. It's so messed up. And painful. And crazy making. Especially for my SIL and granddaughter. Im the empath mom seeing the helicopter view of it all and yet I can't do anything about it. Just stay healthy and empowered with my tribe of fellow empaths and great support like you. Thank you❣️
I’m always grateful to see another mother in the comments suffering with a narcissist daughter. The community believes that we’re responsible for their illness. I blame society which had such a negative impact on my once sweet and shy child. I’ve endured 16 years of abuse and admittedly haven’t handled things well because I couldn’t figure out what the heck was happening. It’s such a mind game. Wish there was more and better information for parents of narcissistic adult children. I hope you will live well despite these struggles.
@@kaimar83 I was a stay at home mother to an only child. We lived very moderate so she was not spoiled by materialism but she was bullied two different times in public school. This parent blaming has to stop.
@@beaglerescue5281 Narcissist children are not necessarily created by materialism, but things like emotional neglect/manipulation/mental, physical & or verbal abuse for examples but yeah basically things toxic parents do to them
@@annaupendoMoll My daughter was loved and nurtured not abused at all. I have read all the stats and researched narcissism for years. I do have narcissistic siblings but she was rarely around them. Her father has narcissistic tendencies but it was never toward his daughter, more towards me. He has grown out of these traits and we have a good relationship. Will be celebrating 40 years of marriage. Since a blow up one year ago things have improved a lot. I’m hoping it will continue in this direction. 2 Timothy 3:2-5 has many negative personality traits that fit my daughter. I pray for our relationship every day.
when I was the "new" girlfriend to the family, my (now) mother-in-law & my (now) Narc sister-in-law ... it was all wonderful, laughter, etc .... till I took the 3 of us for pedicures - suggested we go again a few months later - Narc sister-in-law told MIL that the salon I took us to has a bad reputation for passing along nail fungal, etc (which was a total lie) ... the 2 of them excluded me on their next pedi trip to HER salon! One of those "Damn I should have known" moments .... anywho, loads of other red flags that have resulted in my hubby & me living peacefully away from their nastiness .... thank you for a great vid!!
This is amazing description, thank you... I reFUSE to let someone do this to me ever again.. that's the only good I've taken from a narcissistic relationship..setting up firm boundaries..
I think that's exactly what it is I think that they do value you as soon as they realize that you're not giving them the supply that you once gave them. I know is one of my ex's once I saw through him completely it was never the same and we could both act like it was the same but it was just never the same.
They must devalue you, if they don't they can't turn you into the dead mother. They must finish the dynamic drama with their mom you entered a battle that's been going on for a very long time since their childhood. Emotionally people who have N.P.D are still in their childhood trying to gain their autonomy to separate from their mom because she controlled him as a kid. At a certain age kids are supposed to separate from their parents and become independent, people who have N.P.D weren't able to do this. So all their relationships turns into the battle that's in their head but they never reach that separation between him and his mother because they are too old and their partners aren't their mom. This is why they stop being intimate because they can't sleep with their mom. Also there's something else going on in their head which is the image of you in their mind is perfect, but the real you isn't this is a problem for the narcissist because they need to choose between the two of you which is better???? Guess what they will choose the image every time. Guess who has to go? You guessed it the real you. They are only able to be with you in the their head. So they start to do things to push you away from them and end the relationship. They don't want you to change ever but we do we grow and change because we are human. Sad situation indeed
I always felt that he tried to compare me to his mother....yet she was very much narcissist and an alcoholic. I have too much Empathy and I tend to overlook other people's faults. Yet he wanted me to be like her. He told the marriage counselor that he was perfect and so were his parents. His dad left when he was born and he would make sexual remarks to me and his granddaughter. Two extremely flawed people he decided are perfect. He did pathological lying and he loved to lie. He lies as if being the best liar is his goal. Catch him in lies and he flips it to how dare you make me lie to you. It's other people's fault he chooses to lie to them. Fake Charm like a psychopath
Very interesting, in a heated argument I push onto mine that he needs over the top rough sex to prove I'm not his mom cuz I'm pretty sure she wouldn't let him squeeze the shit out of her tits, ha ha!
Thank God I’m out of that relationship. His parents are elderly but still alive. Such a strange dynamic between them. He was neglected as a kid but now they idealize him. He is a high profile person and a covert narcissist. He only abused me when we were married and he also abused his ex-wife when they were married. I am certain he is/will abuse his new girlfriend aka…my replacement. He felt contempt towards me. He knew I didn’t believe his bullshit. I knew when he was lying and he is a pathological liar. I really think that pushed him over the edge…the fact that I discarded his lies as blatant lies. He could look me in the eyes, “swear on his grandfathers grave “ and I wouldn’t believe him. Master manipulator.
Your explanation is amazing. Dead mother. What about the female narc who has mother control issues and a distant but loving father rejected by the mother? Would that explain the female narc’s sex addiction and cultivating a stable of male lovers (outside the marriage) none of which is aware of the others? The nominal husband becomes the absent father. She bonds and love bombs with the unsuspecting Dad candidate initially and hooks him in, marries him, so reunion with Dad occurs, but she can’t have sex with Dad so the nominal husband just tends the hearth at home, provides steady background or fallback narcissistic Supply, while she takes lovers outside. The female narc is a love prepper. She’s got a Daddy substitute alive in the bunker at home and is out with her bow and arrow scouring the woods for wild love as well. In a way the entire dysfunctional scenario is payback on her Mom for depriving her of a father during her childhood. Thoughts?
@edithflood631 All narcissists, male and females, need different people in their lives to fill different functions they can't just be with one person and be happy. First of all, these narcissists don't believe they are deserving to be loved by others, and no one can tell them otherwise. They are not able to attach to others at all. They unfortunately have a narrative going on in their head constantly letting them know how unworthy they are. You telling them you love them angers them. So, with all this going on in their head, their behavior is the least that should be looked at by others. The stuff going on inside the narcissist is what makes them do what they do. Remember, when dealing with a mentally ill person, there's nobody home. Now, as far as the sex exploits of a person with N.P.D, the more they venture out and use their bodies to get supply, the more likely you are dealing with a somatic narcissist.
10:1210:2810:3610:46 I feel you have felt the pain, every time your voice slightly breaks. Thank you for sharing your experiences and hard earned wisdom. Most of this one resonates, and at least a few 'bell ringing' moments in every one of your videos that I have watched so far. Cannot box the pain away, not even on this festive day. Wherever it is trapped the trauma won't always remain, it will find a way to escape. It needs to be nurtured, shown the positive side every time it denies it. Praise and respect the being who went through it all, and is here now to continue living and loving. Love yourself and all life as if it is you, out of all those who do not resonate with or respect that statement/personal agreement. Will either learn that it is a better way, Or you will learn to recognise that these people are not kin in this time and place.
One of the things I began believing about myself after being accused of was enjoying comisserating. A falsehood created and used by a narcissist to discredit and disregard my emotions.
When you said they can't see the grey, that they have black and white thinking, you 100% NAILED EXACTLY what I've been noticing and even pointing out to her. It's so frustrating!
Force the narcissist to self reflect by not engaging and reacting to their projection - be authentic and don’t believe their lies and their alternate reality - don’t be their narcissistic supply do not prop them up and don’t participate in their toxic co dependent dance- the narcissist eventually will go insane
My life exactly, we were both from dysfunctional families, ran away together, had 2 boys, had a beautiful life together, 40 years married, and bam, like a brick wall hit me, started calling me a covert narcissist, and really messed my head up. 3 years separated now and still messed up. I could keep going but I'll spare you. Thank you.
When they think that you're firmly bound to them and can't leave them no matter what they do, they'll start treating you carelessly and cruelly. Why are they nice to others not you? Because if they are rude to others, others will leave them without a second thought. Sympathy and patience for the wrong person are really dangerous.
So glad you (or anyone) said it! The tactics of deflection and projection coupled with gaslighting and devaluation in such an insidiously caustic and isolating manner, threatens to drive the "target" into states of extreme disregulation and potential self-harm, which the vulnerable narcissist would no doubt capitalize upon to recruit hoardes more sympathizers and supply. I don't want to believe that anyone would ever fall prey to such endeavors but i've witnessed that tragedy forwards and backwards -- while the party instrumental to that endeavor expended every avenue and effort possible to contort reality anywhich way to render themselves not only innocent, but oblivious to their own misdeeds. And confounding as it is, it's least of all surprising.
Thanks this makes so much sense as during the last 3 weeks of our entanglement when I confronted him about his behaviour which was essentially being too ill to do anything outside of what he wanted to do every day and spending 3hours a day in the bathroom on his phone preparing for the discard, he twisted the entire thing on to me, demanded I pay for him to go to a hotel for a few days and then I actually accepted all the twists back around on to me which still hurts to this day, I had no idea I was dealing with NPD at that time obviously soi innocently took it as he sat across from me trying to look caring as he dismantled my character brick by brick in particular the areas that I had confronted him on which was him living like a single man in my family home and constantly claiming that the energies were making him too poorly to do the things that he should have been doing. He spent 14 months in my home sat on social media like a spiritual guru chatting up other women while I did EVERYTHING all for him to turn around and claim he was helping me!!!!! The subversion was like a horror film twist plot when I figured it out.......
Both of them are based entirely on shallow projections. The narcissist does not see *you*. They see a false, projected construct they've created solely to serve their needs.
I was raised by a malignant narcissist single mother. I was abused in every way you could think of. After several failed abusive relationships I married my narcissistic husband. Over 20 years he knocked all my teeth out, shattered my hip running for my life from him, I lost my youngest son due to his smear campaign that my mother joined at which time they destroyed my good name and reputation. The last day in the house with him I had the thought that one of two things was going to happen. My mind was going to fly out of my body and I would be in a psych ward for the rest of my life, or this man was going to beat me to death with his bare hands. I walked out and never went back. My stuff is still in his house. I have nothing to show for my life except my beautiful six children whom I love with all my heart. I have worked hard over the years do not be an abusive selfish mother. They almost beat me to death when I was 4 years old and I had a near-death experience at that time. When I came back into my body I thought oh no you're leaving me here with these people who are going to keep hurting me and I was instantly suicidal. I battled suicidal ideation off and on from age 4 to age 50. Oddly enough in trying to win my son back I ended up spending 12 full months 5 hours a day 5 days a week in IOP. I spent a full year in domestic violence, CBT, DBT, acupuncture, and several other helpful courses. I got on medication because I finally told the doctors the truth about how I was feeling. I had a mystical experience at age 50 that healed me completely from suicidal ideation. Between the work I did and the mystical experience I feel like I am very much healed at 56 years old. I just learned about narcissist really late in life I guess. If I ever feel the old trauma bonds pulling I just watch one of these videos... LoL! Thank you for the hard work you do and the information you share. It is life-changing.
Wow sugar you are one tough broad, I wish you the best success! I've just 2 kids and have mastered my narc husband (He's screwed without me and I had to spell it all out to him)... I also learned about narcism late in life,.just in time and when mom knocked me around at her place (2 provinces away @ 55 yrs) I didn't accept her hotel money to leave (Xmas Eve no less) but that's it, I put up with more abusive phone calls, got some offered bucks and now she's locked up for good, she'll be 85 soon and it's still see you never Mom, they want tough, we'll give them tough! Good luck, you're wonderful!
There was zero information about NPD in the early 90's. My then partner had a few lovable qualities. He was separated from his first wife but had a son. When I first saw his 'place' ..I couldn't believe that my stepson was visiting every other weekend into such a massive mess of filth. A complete and total 'mess'. Straight away my mother instincts kicked in. I cleaned up the entire space and created a small area where my stepson and I could do some artwork together. My then mother in law started getting nervous because she 'knew' that she had been catering to her son all of his life. She bad mouthed every daughter-in-law. No matter what I did to create a better life for my stepson at that time (buying groceries, clothing etc ) His father would gladly help himself to my sincere efforts and then proceed to ignore me like I didn't exist. Never a sincere thank-you'...He just helped himself to MORE. They absolutely 'know' when they have found the perfect person to make them look good. Never cast your pearls to a SWINE. He showed my stepson as well as our own two daughters exactly how to disrespect me by intentionally diminishing every conceivable effort I made to provide them with LOVE. These narc's are extremely calculating and only and ever USE their own children against you. They refuse to co-parent. BE AWARE 💔
Absolutely on point! I have said it in the comments in other videos of yours. I truly wish I would have came across your amazing videos before! But then again! I would probably still be going through all of the HELL! I was Broken sooo very bad! For 5 years I was All that you mentioned! All of that! I'm at that point and yet been away from him for about two months now!
I feel like I'm in a weird situation. My abuser might not have realized what he was doing when he broke me. He drove me to the point of a mental breakdown during the pandemic. He convinced me I was crazy and solely to blame for everything. He touched on it ONCE and only once when he said to me, "Gee I hope I didn't cause any of this." After he left I broke down crying. Did he really not know?? He then proved to everyone (mainly our children) that HE was saving me from myself and would fix me. He did actually help build me back up and supported me, all the while reminding me and the kids that he was only staying with me for them and didn't want them to see him kick crazy mom to the curb. I wasn't allowed to speak to a professional because he refused to deal with anyone telling him that "my therapist says I need..." I feel like I have a split personality because I have to bury the part of me that hates him for what he did and does to me. He knows he's a narcissist but refuses to acknowledge that it caused any harm. He also magnified his control issues to the utmost degree during the pandemic, and I am still unable to make my own decisions on what is or isn't safe. I CANNOT leave my kids with him without being right there to protect them and stop them from learning and repeating the same toxic behaviors. I have to stay the personality that adores him and all that he does to avoid making life miserable for everyone involved. It's a complete mind f*ck that my abuser is the one who "saved me from myself." I want to share one of your videos with him, but I'm terrified. What happens when he finally realizes or accepts that the mental struggles I faced last year are the textbook effects of CPTSD from narcissistic abuse I suffered at his hands?
Do not share with him that he’s a narcissist. You’ll see the worst side of him. The absolute bottom. You’re not the problem. He’s the problem. Now start secretly preparing your exit. Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove. Outsmart that SOB! You can do it.
Thank you for this video tutorial! I reference your video many times for all my family's iPads! Your video tutorial one time saved my data from my burnt-screen iPad and I was able to backup all the info to a new iPad! Even Apple store didn't come up with that solution!
Don't know what occurred in your life throughout the years but you deserve the best for you and your family ! Your honest ,polite, and delightful CoachM !!!!! I Love to look at you also because in a scale from 1 to 10 in Beautiful I give you a 10 ! ♥️💐💐🌷😇
Thank you so much Michelle!! I am 22 years in on this covert narcissist roller coaster! Finally, I am learning that I am not actually psychotic!! And it has been 8 years since I had any hope for myself! .. when the covert narcissist gets exposed… that is a rage that becomes inexplicable and truly destructive ! Which I somehow agreed to believed was my fault and I deserved !
So true, I've been following Michelle for many years. She's so on "topic target". Thank you for helping me get through 40 plus years of "a not normal marriage ". May God continue to bless you🙏
Yes, I am in a situation where I was devalued by a narcissist and when it happened I was perplexed by how they weren't seeing some of their own mistakes, becuase honestly, my devaluing coincided with my making a mistake. When it was happening, I never understood the narcissistic behavior to the degree explained in the video. During devaluaization, it was me no longer wanting to contribute to my role of perpetuating a false image of miyself.
They fear of being exposed. They target the one who catches on to their toxic behavior. Stay in your truth.
Staying in the truth will always keep the individuals mental health at good levels.
I'm going to expose them
I get accused of being the narcissist when I call them out on their abusive behavior. They are always the victim especially when the actions that they took offense to were a result of my response to their abusive behavior. (Going no contact)
Facts
@@ewkabel Perfectly said! They're great at giving it out, but the moment they get it back, they cry foul! They have no self respect.
i noticed they have no problem criticizing you or picking you apart, but the moment you point out the truth about them, they become a victim and accuse you of abuse, belittling, bullying, attacking them. but never listen or accept your point, ever.
Yep. Happy to critique, undermine and give their ‘opinion’ about you all day, but you stand up for yourself and question their constant criticism, and the accusations of judgement and attacks begin.
Spot on.
Yes they are literally overgrown children.
@@g-dcomplex1609 All this rubbish they say about 'Avoidants' thrycare nothing more than Covert Narcissists
The worse bit is they gaslight themselves to change and support their victim narrative ....Then project their own faults onto you..
Yes! Yes! Yes! Being singled out for disdain and harsh treatment IS abusive. It's ambient abuse and scapegoating.
It can also be a form of coercive control.
As a twenty year victim of this abuse, I felt less and less able to survive. I tried to leave three times. Getting away was the BEST thing I ever did.
Hey! Since 2004 right here and just now realizing and still trying to get out. I've wondered if anyone is supposed to survive this for this long. If it doesn't kill You it what?
It's important to note that part of keeping their image polished for everyone else means they never let anyone else see them devalue you. Everyone thinks they are wonderful. This works against you in two ways. First you doubt yourself thinking that at least in some way you must be part of the problem. After all they seem like overall kind and respected people. You believe they are good at their core. They just don't understand how much they are hurtng you. (This is reinforced when every once in a while they treat you well just to keep you hanging on.) Secondly if you ever contemplate leaving them it seems impossible because all your family and friends would think you were crazy or selfish or unappreciative of your obviously good spouse. It took videos and books from survivors to finally get a clue after 40 years of what was going on. Then the thing that helped most was to make a list of all the hurtful things I remembered over the last 10 years that no one but I was aware of.
They devalue you...behind closed doors.
They will do smear campaigns behind your back to make other people hate or dislike you
It took me 34 years. Thankfully I read an article about covert narcissism and then my eyes were open. Hope you are healing and living your best life ever!
@@ccdm515they are the flying monkeys so forget trying to prove truth to them. Realize the monkeys are not trustworthy.
You've explained that well, it's so confusing but then when you realise what's going on it helps with the closure. They will portray you as the bad person to their friends or family. That's why they act differently when other people are there. Its a proper head job. Telling lies about your partner then seeking advice from the people they are telling lies to. It's all so mean.
The narcissist that I'm dealing with have not only did valued me but have basically dehumanized me.. and the flying monkeys in the smear campaign is on a crazy scale.
This ! I always had a hard time coming up with the word for what the abuser was doing to me , it was more than just being critical or devalued. It was dehumanizing
This is the most important Narcissist video a person will ever watch. This is what it's all about.
10:56 it’s so hard because I did leave and I’m not going back but I’m with family and nobody understands the dept of this with me. I sincerely need to talk to someone that understands because I don’t want to go back but it’s just so hard. Nobody listens to me when I tell them I’m struggling. Nobody understands and I can’t feel any better unless I watch these videos. These videos have saved my life Michele!!! I just feel so confused and crazy and I just need help I need to talk to someone who understands
They single out a scapegoat like was described in “MAN of THE PEOPLE “ in Star Trek Next Gen. Picard nailed it. It also focuses others on the victim and off of them. Sadly people are frequently obtuse and don’t feel offended seeing another person targeted or even pick up on the cowardly blackballing.
Picard is my Captain ❤. Make it so. ❤
Odd i am triggered when seeing someone singled out
Such a reflection on exactly how I felt and was treated.
Persistant Emotional abuse and trauma which it cases is like having an emotional stroke, we need therapy and healthy support to get back to our healthy selves. Thank you❤
Narcisists Project their garbage onto us and regulate themselves in This way. It is vital to heal our childhood wounds to be able to Spot it and shield ourselves against their poisonous bullets.
Yeah but I think being devalued would hurt every person
I agree with much of what you're saying here Michele, but I would argue they use this as a kind of "one up" on you, so it's about enabling them to see us as trash and that they're so much better than us, thereby continuing their delusion of how good they are, or how much better they are than us. I had 2 parents doing this shit to me all my life .... and was in relationships with women that were just the same until I finally was able to break from of the cycle.
So happy for you. I pray you find a healthy partner who will treat you with respect and kindness.
@@beaglerescue5281 Ditto... and thanks!
This happened with my ex but he oscillated between grandiose and covert. He would put certain people on pedestals and others were not worthy of his time. Ugh.. finally after 3 years away, I’m starting to heal. Great video!!
Usually, by the time you learn the person is a "covert narcissist", you have already 'dealt' with them in one way or another. You cannot and will not recognize the person as a 'covert narcissist' just by looking at them or having casual interactions with them. You have to observe, listen, and understand what you SAW,what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that. Now don't that sound easy. The better question is how do you STOP 'dealing with' a covert narcissist once you understand what you SAW, what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that? The 'best way' to 'deal with a covert narcissist' is to STOP listening, STOP observing, STOP wondering WHY, and STOP having ANY interaction with them. If you MUST have interactions with them, limit the interactions as much as possible. No "hi, how are you doing", no "hi, I wish I had time to talk to you", no "hi, it's nice to see you", just "hi, hope you're doing well, I've got to run" or just "hi" and keep walking. If at all possible avoid ANY setting or situation where the narcissist or a 'flying monkey' can observe you or listen to you. 'Flying monkeys' are the narcissist's 'possessions'. Dealing with or interacting with anything or anybody the narcissist 'owns' is considered the same as 'dealing with' or interacting with the narcissist. The more you 'deal with' a covert narcissist, the more you will have to 'deal with'. Do not 'run' from a covert narcissist unless you can 'run' totally away from them. When you 'run' from a narcissist, it makes them feel powerful and important. They like that and will make a sport out of watching you 'run'. Once you 'learn' the person is a 'covert narcissist', you have to 'learn' to either 'covertly' avoid the hell out of them or 'overtly' have NO CONTACT with them and refuse to 'deal with' them. This all SOUNDS so simple and easy, but ask anybody who has ever "dealt with" one and they'll tell you it's one of hardest things they've ever 'dealt with'. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.
Once you know the signs you can tell when you see the first one
Thank you for the deep post. It all made sense to me. I have had to deal with a narcissists and a psychopath (two different persons). I agree that by the time you have doubts about their personality (disorder), you are already in a fight with them. They have singled you out in their mind before you noticed them and they have pushed all your buttons…
Michele, that was one of the most powerful videos I have seen. Thank you for sharing this information
I ended a 3 year relationship with a narcissist. In the beginning starts love bombing and I was the most beautiful men of the world. She wants kids and a future togheter. I was feeling so lucky. After one year I tried to help this girl to grow because she was so insecure and run away from facts. After this period this person start to devalued me. I was not good enough anymore and she act like she is the most perfect woman of the world. I was shocked and don’t know what do anymore and tried to recover our relationship. She was only interested in high value persons with status. This girl treated me like a dog. There was a lack of empathy. I feel still worthless. But working on myself now. After 2 months i’m confused, because everything started so good and I know I didn’t do anything wrong. 😢
Man don't give up!! I'm there too 4 months though after the discard . Believe me it's all bullshit
Exact same story as you . If you listened carefully and start back tracking and thinking of all the things she said most likely you'll see that this is a pattern in her life... I know that as a man It.hurts more thinking that maybe you're lazy or poor and she was always talking highly of other "successful" man but it was all her bullshit
I hope you can work on yourself go to therapy .. believe me this confusion will transform into anger and use that anger to go to.the gym or something
I married one and had a child with. No I have to deal with her for years.
Paternity test for kid.
STD test for self.
Male narcs run a secret harem.
Female narcs run a secret stable.
Many victims never wake up from the narcissistic fog. And see the infidelity. Some take multiple realizations … starts off with one lover. A few years later they realize it was six lovers. A few decades later and more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and they realize it was dozens of casual risky encounters sometimes with relative strangers. My male narc had myself, a relatively stable secret lover plus casual risky encounters averaging three lovers a year. Over eight years of marriage it was twenty five different people. There can be secret children (secret family) if it’s a male narc. Secret terminations if it’s a female narc. Secret holidays with the lover called business trips or conferences are commonplace. Chlamydia is the most common STD. In a male victim this will present as an irritable smelly discharge for no apparent reason which should be your wake up call that she is sleeping around.
The little shaman channel on you tube will help explain all of it
I suppost the most difficult thing about being married to a BIPOLAR COVERT NARCISSIST was that NOBODY BELIEVED ME!!! After about 30 years of marriage I finally found a clinical psychologist who actually believed me. It was then that I began to take the steps to get away from this toxic person. (And it was at this point that our 4 sons were now grown and out on their own so this responsibility was finished.)
They are Not worthy of you!!!!!!!
Michele, I was in a fight with my narc husband, it was bad, I got a hotel room for the night and watched one of your videos and had my eyes opened to narcissism. I will always be so grateful for you and your videos, you are literally saving lives!! God Bless you!
Start saving money and gradually plan your escape! They don't change and it gets worse!
@francoisgouws7288 great advice, wish I did that 3 years ago. He controlled the money so when I took back control of my paychecks that is when it ended- abruptly.
They need to teach this in schools and also how it's very much a cult when you're in it!
@@joseenoel8093yes, by the time we find this out it’s too late, your saddled with children and bills
The average person can never recover
The narcissist I was with said there’s only you that’s got a problem with me and I said that’s because I live with you ! The emotional abuse was off the charts - I felt like I was dying inside , I found the last bit of strength I could muster and I left whilst he was in work . A few weeks later I met him to discuss the house etc and what a shock - he looked terrible , and was feeble and weak and trying to get sympathy but I kept my feelings to myself and acted indifferent - this was the moment I realised it was him who had the problem 100% I felt like I was being cruel but I could not go back to living with him . My family didn’t believe me as he’s so nice to everyone on the outside and that was one of the hardest things but I’ve got 3 wonderful friends and I have done my inner work as to why I let it go on for so long . The positive to come out of this is that no one will ever put me down again - I speak my truth and if people don’t like me - I’m ok with that .
Yes, this brings back memories of a narcissistic "family" environment in formative years. It seemed particularly pernicious with a religious cult component involved.
@@solofemaletravelerme In such religious or cult settings, some adherents often use religious text to justify their inappropriate behaviors.
Even if you are in a good state of mind, this vlog is an opportunity for continuing mental maintenance. Not only from the past but as a preventative introspection. Well done mam.
I’m so relieved I found this. What you described, is exactly how my Supervisor is. She’s literally destroyed my morale, till I figured out what she is.
It’s because we know who they really are.
It's because it's all a show, an act. Only problem is they can't keep it up. So when they start showing their true colours they expect you to take it all, they've enjoyed the romance got what they needed (which could be anything from sex, affection, serives in repairs and maintenance or renewing thing, and money and time) once they have this they're happy to move on. It's only time before another shiny person comes alone and off they go. Leaving you in a world of confusion. The woman I got caught up with even said during the discard I didn't know who she was, she was right. I didn't know who she was I only knew the character she was playing when she was drawing me in. The real her was the evil narcissist I saw her become.
Yes. They have no true self
Yes that the truth. Narcissist make you doubt yourself. It's all fake. Self love 💕
Thank you for sharing this - they DO do it to other people, they're just sneaky about how they go about it. If they really want YOU to believe YOU are the problem they won't do it to others if you're around to see it. Eventually, they'll slip up.
100%! And always know that if they are doing it to you they are doing it to others as well. If you put a big group of people in a room together they can all tell you a similar story about this person. Humans are very fallible so remember your not their only victim. They need help more than you ever will.
I get it now, he wanted me to feel shame, once he knew I knew who he really was. So he had to use even the most ridiculous things against me, because he had nothing else.
This is one of the best explanations I've ever heard.
Omg! All or nothing .. exactly!! The least self-aware person and cannot admit a mistake or being wrong. Made me doubt myself and feel less than. Constantly de-values me, has never given me credit for anything I've done for him or his family. But he deserves all pats on the back because he did thus and so.
Last narc, 2019, 6months, at thw end , he wanted us to tell each other our flaws. 😂😅, I left the table. He was really pissed when his dog slept on floor on my side of bed. Asked me why!! 😂 Hadnt talked or seen for two months, he called out of the blue. Just to tell me he met the love of his life. Best sex. Organic relationship. Even tho i didnt give a crap, but, he dug deep. He was 50, me 53. I have not dated since. Not anti men, just not interested. Back into riding horses, trail riding, Team Penning, Game events, since son wwnt off to college, i am good. ❤🎉
Super spot on...very well explained!! I've lived with my narc father doing this to me my entire life, and now also my two narc brothers have joined in. Narcs at ALL times need a _"place holder" (in their minds, a trash can)_ to displace onto their true feelings about them self of which they can't integrate into their psyche.
If you pay close enough attention and read between their lines, how they're now viewing you and what they're now accusation-ally shedding onto you is what they're actually guilty of and how _(deep down)_ they truly feel about them self. It's as if they've shaken off their slime onto you so they can remain feeling all shiny and new in their delusional minds.
I also believe these targets they choose are not just by sheer chance, but instead because they perceive that person as a threat. If they really had any justifiable gripes with this person you'd think they'd instead actually confront them face-to-face, to give that other person a chance to be heard. ...BUT, that's not the purpose this chosen target represents to the narc. The narc likes the covert dynamic of projecting this way, just the way it is. I feel the purpose is actually a way for the narc to underhandedly project their feelings of inferiority away from them self and onto to someone else. _("TAG, you're it.")_
The narc has NO intention of wanting to be fair and clear the air with that other person _(face-to-face)_ because them being their target is serving the exact purpose...kind of like the act of sneaky illegal "dumping". This way the narc gets to shed their insecurities without ever having to face their true self, as often times these accusational projections are done behind the back of the target. So, a narc acting this way, _kills two birds with one stone_ ...relieving them of their own dark side while also taking down someone threatening to their ego who isn't marching in line to the narc's tune. Surely not a noble person's way of relating.
Regarding: not a noble persons way of relating. Discarding someone or Ghosting them without explanation equals cowardliness, a reflection of a narcissist true character.
I’ve watched hundreds of narc videos but you really really broke it down perfectly on this one.
Wow! She described the person who I lived with for 6 years. SHE always needed to befriend every person.
You just sooo "get it' Michele!...and the way you describe the 'mechanics' of these relationships is very easy to understand..you bring so much clarity...thank you so much for your dedication to this work...Bless you!
Excellent video!
Nice work, Michele. I think you've got it pegged: "... their inability to self-reflect and see the things they need to work on (clearly)." There are so many "inside" wounds, perceptions, apparent injustices that they process, incorrectly, and it's more than puzzling to try to understand why it has to come out as contempt, rejection, criticism and aggression toward us who are supposed to be supportive and connected. I think they're perhaps resurrecting the events internally of their past that were so damaging or traumatizing. They live in a crazy "split" world inside their personality.
This is very very difficult for me because literally everyone one of our mutual friends as well as teachers landlords coworkers and random people he talks to at the store are starstruck and smitten right away hes so magnetic and likeable 😕
Terrible to deal with this people . Wanting to be perfect for what ?
Demanding.... unreal ....
Truly
This happens to me all the time. The people who see them as 'amazing' are their flying monkeys who seemingly have no ability to 'see through' the falsehood and fakery of the covert naracist.
Mine started calling me things that were really him, like “selfish” and “insatiable” when it was him who was cheating all along.
Nailed it !!!!
Loved your explanation of something that is complicated and hurtful to take in. You really nailed this beautifully. I feel the sadness, grief, and fucked up shame I never should have had....dispersing quicker than it took him to make a mess of me!!! which took 3 years plus 3 more because I didn't understand what I had been through with someone I thought loved me. This video only took 15 minutes x 2. I was so relieved that I had to see it one more time. Thank you you gorgeous woman. You are sent by the Gods.
This resonates 100%. I always thought there was something wrong with me.
Anytime I wore an outfit and got a nice looking haircut I would get compliments from other people, but my mom would say “Ew! Gosh why do you cut your hair so short it looks horrible. I like how Jon styles his hair it’s so long and really suits him and he looks sooo handsome. Gosh.”
Honestly i noticed they delibaretly dont abuse others in your company. When you leave, they abuse others...
This video is on point. You explained the mechanism of why I'm repeatedly attracted to Narcissistic women. I've searched for years for this information.
@mikelore1633 This is a great video and channel for sure.
As for WHY you have the pattern of attracting narcissists I recommend re thinking childhood and childhood programming. Re look at your parents.
Well done! Covert narcissists are very tricky. Thank you for explaining how they target you and only you. How they project their shame onto you. I was discarded by my covert sister who decided she was too triggered by our differences and my imperfections. She threw away our relationship last year after I had been there for her for decades. The most painful discard. I am raw with anger and confusion.
Been listening to you for a little over a month, but I just subscribed based off this video just had a conversation with my husband this morning and I keep saying I don’t understand why you can’t see. I don’t understand why you’re making me to be the bad person. It makes so much sense now.
Looking amazing 💜
Thank you Michele. I appreciate how you explain things. You gave me a better understanding. May your channel grow and thrive exponentially. Others will be helped and healed.
This is so recognizable ! I often told him that I would have been the happiest woman on the planet, if only he would have treated me as he treated all his friends, colleagues and even strangers ! But nope 👎🏻… Whatever I did, it was never good enough and every time he treated me badly, it was because I provoked him … nothing has ever been his fault 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for sharing this, it helps to feel like I’m not crazy 🙏
My God, you are singing my song...telling my story. So nice, pleasant, interesting and interested in his friends, colleagues, certain family members...
And then there was me. The pain in the @$$; the constant burden who couldn't "just say yes"/agree with him and his friends, 100% of the time.
-- It got really bad towards the end, when one of his more overtly narcissistic friends came after me personally, shouting in my face and at one point moving to hit me before, shaking with rage, he restrained his hand and told me to "Get OUT." All because I didn't agree with the statement that "William Shatner is a great man." (SO random, none of us knew or knows Shatner, and at first when he said that I thought the friend was joking. But...no.) Angry ex apologized profusely - to the friend - because "Vicky doesn't know how to keep her big mouth shut"; whisked me out, and drove me home from the gathering (like a bad child), all the while lecturing me on _my_ behavior in between long stretches of stony silence; deposited me at our apartment and drove back to the friend's house to apologize more and finish hanging out.
You can't make this stuff up.
This becomes so difficult to deal with when the covert narcissist is your boss. It’s like having to choose between quitting and be jobless or endure their smear campaigns and toxic manipulation.
Run run run You will end up jobless in the end anyway, better jobless and whole than jobless and broken
Fascinating the polarization that happens and how it reflects the internal world of people with NPD. The idolization stage is a reflection of their false projected 'perfect' self. The devaluation stage is a reflection of their inner low value and ugliness.
WOW! WOW! WOW!
This is beginning to make sense about devaluing. I have watched many clips read books but hearing you speak it the way that you spoke. It made total sense. Now when I come into contact with a toxic person, I’m going to have a response ready at the helm. Also, When you talked about the split personality, it made total sense to me on how you worded that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.🙏🏼
Narcissist father made me believe I can’t make mistakes.for many years I felt I wasn’t enough. I became a perfectionist, people pleaser,scared to try new things just because I was scared to fail.when my dad passed away somehow I felt unfulfilled because deep down wanted to get to a point where he was going to see me n validate me.ended up In a narcissist relationship for 3years I went through same abuse I endure from my father. I found the courage to get out currently going through my healing journey and finding myself again.
I'm a man, and you're correct about the narcissist treating others way better than you. Although with my wife I find that she treats her enablers with all the love and kindness.. everyone else, especially me gets treated badly. I get it worse than anyone, when she's raging at me or when I stand up for myself.
@jorgemarquezzepeda81 When did she show her true colors?
I hope you can get away from her.
more than likely, this behavior mirrors the treatment they received from their parent/s during their childhood, especially the middle child
My narcissist devalued others depending on his mood. Our kids. Me. Our nephew. He had to treat someone bad
This makes a lot of sense, when I avoided doing things for her because I sensed something wasn’t right her true colours showed like an upset child that didn’t get there way.
I am constantly abused - in private - by my covert narc daughter. Everyone else is convinced from her smear campaign of me that our dysfunctional relating is all my fault. It's so messed up. And painful. And crazy making. Especially for my SIL and granddaughter. Im the empath mom seeing the helicopter view of it all and yet I can't do anything about it. Just stay healthy and empowered with my tribe of fellow empaths and great support like you. Thank you❣️
I’m always grateful to see another mother in the comments suffering with a narcissist daughter. The community believes that we’re responsible for their illness. I blame society which had such a negative impact on my once sweet and shy child. I’ve endured 16 years of abuse and admittedly haven’t handled things well because I couldn’t figure out what the heck was happening. It’s such a mind game. Wish there was more and better information for parents of narcissistic adult children.
I hope you will live well despite these struggles.
@@beaglerescue5281 it is belived that narcissism is caused by insufficient parental care.
@@kaimar83 I was a stay at home mother to an only child. We lived very moderate so she was not spoiled by materialism but she was bullied two different times in public school. This parent blaming has to stop.
@@beaglerescue5281 Narcissist children are not necessarily created by materialism, but things like emotional neglect/manipulation/mental, physical & or verbal abuse for examples but yeah basically things toxic parents do to them
@@annaupendoMoll My daughter was loved and nurtured not abused at all. I have read all the stats and researched narcissism for years. I do have narcissistic siblings but she was rarely around them. Her father has narcissistic tendencies but it was never toward his daughter, more towards me. He has grown out of these traits and we have a good relationship. Will be celebrating 40 years of marriage.
Since a blow up one year ago things have improved a lot. I’m hoping it will continue in this direction. 2 Timothy 3:2-5 has many negative personality traits that fit my daughter. I pray for our relationship every day.
when I was the "new" girlfriend to the family, my (now) mother-in-law & my (now) Narc sister-in-law ... it was all wonderful, laughter, etc .... till I took the 3 of us for pedicures - suggested we go again a few months later - Narc sister-in-law told MIL that the salon I took us to has a bad reputation for passing along nail fungal, etc (which was a total lie) ... the 2 of them excluded me on their next pedi trip to HER salon! One of those "Damn I should have known" moments .... anywho, loads of other red flags that have resulted in my hubby & me living peacefully away from their nastiness .... thank you for a great vid!!
Thank you Michelle. You are the real deal. God bless you.
I went from golden to garbage he trauma me to the point I needed to literally be carried into therapy
This is amazing description, thank you... I reFUSE to let someone do this to me ever again.. that's the only good I've taken from a narcissistic relationship..setting up firm boundaries..
I think that's exactly what it is I think that they do value you as soon as they realize that you're not giving them the supply that you once gave them. I know is one of my ex's once I saw through him completely it was never the same and we could both act like it was the same but it was just never the same.
They must devalue you, if they don't they can't turn you into the dead mother. They must finish the dynamic drama with their mom you entered a battle that's been going on for a very long time since their childhood. Emotionally people who have N.P.D are still in their childhood trying to gain their autonomy to separate from their mom because she controlled him as a kid. At a certain age kids are supposed to separate from their parents and become independent, people who have N.P.D weren't able to do this. So all their relationships turns into the battle that's in their head but they never reach that separation between him and his mother because they are too old and their partners aren't their mom. This is why they stop being intimate because they can't sleep with their mom. Also there's something else going on in their head which is the image of you in their mind is perfect, but the real you isn't this is a problem for the narcissist because they need to choose between the two of you which is better???? Guess what they will choose the image every time. Guess who has to go? You guessed it the real you. They are only able to be with you in the their head. So they start to do things to push you away from them and end the relationship. They don't want you to change ever but we do we grow and change because we are human. Sad situation indeed
I always felt that he tried to compare me to his mother....yet she was very much narcissist and an alcoholic. I have too much Empathy and I tend to overlook other people's faults. Yet he wanted me to be like her. He told the marriage counselor that he was perfect and so were his parents. His dad left when he was born and he would make sexual remarks to me and his granddaughter. Two extremely flawed people he decided are perfect. He did pathological lying and he loved to lie. He lies as if being the best liar is his goal. Catch him in lies and he flips it to how dare you make me lie to you. It's other people's fault he chooses to lie to them. Fake Charm like a psychopath
Very interesting, in a heated argument I push onto mine that he needs over the top rough sex to prove I'm not his mom cuz I'm pretty sure she wouldn't let him squeeze the shit out of her tits, ha ha!
Thank God I’m out of that relationship. His parents are elderly but still alive. Such a strange dynamic between them. He was neglected as a kid but now they idealize him. He is a high profile person and a covert narcissist. He only abused me when we were married and he also abused his ex-wife when they were married. I am certain he is/will abuse his new girlfriend aka…my replacement. He felt contempt towards me. He knew I didn’t believe his bullshit. I knew when he was lying and he is a pathological liar. I really think that pushed him over the edge…the fact that I discarded his lies as blatant lies. He could look me in the eyes, “swear on his grandfathers grave “ and I wouldn’t believe him. Master manipulator.
Your explanation is amazing. Dead mother. What about the female narc who has mother control issues and a distant but loving father rejected by the mother? Would that explain the female narc’s sex addiction and cultivating a stable of male lovers (outside the marriage) none of which is aware of the others? The nominal husband becomes the absent father. She bonds and love bombs with the unsuspecting Dad candidate initially and hooks him in, marries him, so reunion with Dad occurs, but she can’t have sex with Dad so the nominal husband just tends the hearth at home, provides steady background or fallback narcissistic Supply, while she takes lovers outside. The female narc is a love prepper. She’s got a Daddy substitute alive in the bunker at home and is out with her bow and arrow scouring the woods for wild love as well. In a way the entire dysfunctional scenario is payback on her Mom for depriving her of a father during her childhood. Thoughts?
@edithflood631 All narcissists, male and females, need different people in their lives to fill different functions they can't just be with one person and be happy. First of all, these narcissists don't believe they are deserving to be loved by others, and no one can tell them otherwise. They are not able to attach to others at all. They unfortunately have a narrative going on in their head constantly letting them know how unworthy they are. You telling them you love them angers them. So, with all this going on in their head, their behavior is the least that should be looked at by others. The stuff going on inside the narcissist is what makes them do what they do. Remember, when dealing with a mentally ill person, there's nobody home. Now, as far as the sex exploits of a person with N.P.D, the more they venture out and use their bodies to get supply, the more likely you are dealing with a somatic narcissist.
10:12 10:28 10:36 10:46 I feel you have felt the pain, every time your voice slightly breaks. Thank you for sharing your experiences and hard earned wisdom. Most of this one resonates, and at least a few 'bell ringing' moments in every one of your videos that I have watched so far. Cannot box the pain away, not even on this festive day. Wherever it is trapped the trauma won't always remain, it will find a way to escape. It needs to be nurtured, shown the positive side every time it denies it. Praise and respect the being who went through it all, and is here now to continue living and loving. Love yourself and all life as if it is you, out of all those who do not resonate with or respect that statement/personal agreement. Will either learn that it is a better way, Or you will learn to recognise that these people are not kin in this time and place.
One of the things I began believing about myself after being accused of was enjoying comisserating. A falsehood created and used by a narcissist to discredit and disregard my emotions.
The best description ever, Michelle!!!!
I feel the same way I had to get away and until than I could feel peace .
Very clear comprehensive explanation about reasons of devaluation.❤
When you said they can't see the grey, that they have black and white thinking, you 100% NAILED EXACTLY what I've been noticing and even pointing out to her. It's so frustrating!
Excellent Talk. Thank you.
Force the narcissist to self reflect by not engaging and reacting to their projection - be authentic and don’t believe their lies and their alternate reality - don’t be their narcissistic supply do not prop them up and don’t participate in their toxic co dependent dance- the narcissist eventually will go insane
What are the best ways to not get into the codependent dance? How to avoid getting swept away from love bombing?
Wow 😮 amazingly put! Thank u so much for your teachings! I’ve learnt so much from your knowledge and explanation so truly THANK YOU 🙏!
Deep insights here. Thank you.
My life exactly, we were both from dysfunctional families, ran away together, had 2 boys, had a beautiful life together, 40 years married, and bam, like a brick wall hit me, started calling me a covert narcissist, and really messed my head up. 3 years separated now and still messed up. I could keep going but I'll spare you. Thank you.
When they think that you're firmly bound to them and can't leave them no matter what they do, they'll start treating you carelessly and cruelly. Why are they nice to others not you? Because if they are rude to others, others will leave them without a second thought. Sympathy and patience for the wrong person are really dangerous.
Exactly right.
This has helped me so much, thank you❤😊
Incredible, you really nailed this 🎯 thank you 🙏
So glad you (or anyone) said it! The tactics of deflection and projection coupled with gaslighting and devaluation in such an insidiously caustic and isolating manner, threatens to drive the "target" into states of extreme disregulation and potential self-harm, which the vulnerable narcissist would no doubt capitalize upon to recruit hoardes more sympathizers and supply. I don't want to believe that anyone would ever fall prey to such endeavors but i've witnessed that tragedy forwards and backwards -- while the party instrumental to that endeavor expended every avenue and effort possible to contort reality anywhich way to render themselves not only innocent, but oblivious to their own misdeeds. And confounding as it is, it's least of all surprising.
What you’re saying makes perfect sense. I’m grateful to have found this video, thank you 👍
Thanks this makes so much sense as during the last 3 weeks of our entanglement when I confronted him about his behaviour which was essentially being too ill to do anything outside of what he wanted to do every day and spending 3hours a day in the bathroom on his phone preparing for the discard, he twisted the entire thing on to me, demanded I pay for him to go to a hotel for a few days and then I actually accepted all the twists back around on to me which still hurts to this day, I had no idea I was dealing with NPD at that time obviously soi innocently took it as he sat across from me trying to look caring as he dismantled my character brick by brick in particular the areas that I had confronted him on which was him living like a single man in my family home and constantly claiming that the energies were making him too poorly to do the things that he should have been doing. He spent 14 months in my home sat on social media like a spiritual guru chatting up other women while I did EVERYTHING all for him to turn around and claim he was helping me!!!!! The subversion was like a horror film twist plot when I figured it out.......
idealization is devaluation even though they appear to be totally different, yet I believe that they are the same.
Both of them are based entirely on shallow projections. The narcissist does not see *you*. They see a false, projected construct they've created solely to serve their needs.
Thank you for explaining this, I finally understand.
Bingo! Well explained. 😮
Well said. The way you explain this topic resonates with me.
Thank you.
I was raised by a malignant narcissist single mother. I was abused in every way you could think of. After several failed abusive relationships I married my narcissistic husband. Over 20 years he knocked all my teeth out, shattered my hip running for my life from him, I lost my youngest son due to his smear campaign that my mother joined at which time they destroyed my good name and reputation. The last day in the house with him I had the thought that one of two things was going to happen. My mind was going to fly out of my body and I would be in a psych ward for the rest of my life, or this man was going to beat me to death with his bare hands. I walked out and never went back. My stuff is still in his house. I have nothing to show for my life except my beautiful six children whom I love with all my heart. I have worked hard over the years do not be an abusive selfish mother. They almost beat me to death when I was 4 years old and I had a near-death experience at that time. When I came back into my body I thought oh no you're leaving me here with these people who are going to keep hurting me and I was instantly suicidal. I battled suicidal ideation off and on from age 4 to age 50. Oddly enough in trying to win my son back I ended up spending 12 full months 5 hours a day 5 days a week in IOP. I spent a full year in domestic violence, CBT, DBT, acupuncture, and several other helpful courses. I got on medication because I finally told the doctors the truth about how I was feeling. I had a mystical experience at age 50 that healed me completely from suicidal ideation. Between the work I did and the mystical experience I feel like I am very much healed at 56 years old. I just learned about narcissist really late in life I guess. If I ever feel the old trauma bonds pulling I just watch one of these videos... LoL! Thank you for the hard work you do and the information you share. It is life-changing.
Jesus Christ will set you free. He set me free.
Wow sugar you are one tough broad, I wish you the best success! I've just 2 kids and have mastered my narc husband (He's screwed without me and I had to spell it all out to him)... I also learned about narcism late in life,.just in time and when mom knocked me around at her place (2 provinces away @ 55 yrs) I didn't accept her hotel money to leave (Xmas Eve no less) but that's it, I put up with more abusive phone calls, got some offered bucks and now she's locked up for good, she'll be 85 soon and it's still see you never Mom, they want tough, we'll give them tough! Good luck, you're wonderful!
@@joseenoel8093 thank you, my friend! I am an excellent human being because of what I've had to rise above. So are you! Peace be with you
@@lastthingsministry actually my mystical experience involved Jesus. I am devout Catholic now.
Make every day count from here on out. Reading the Bible and knowing how much Jesus suffered for me has helped tremendously. God bless.
There was zero information about NPD in the early 90's. My then partner had a few lovable qualities. He was separated from his first wife but had a son. When I first saw his 'place' ..I couldn't believe that my stepson was visiting every other weekend into such a massive mess of filth. A complete and total 'mess'. Straight away my mother instincts kicked in. I cleaned up the entire space and created a small area where my stepson and I could do some artwork together. My then mother in law started getting nervous because she 'knew' that she had been catering to her son all of his life. She bad mouthed every daughter-in-law. No matter what I did to create a better life for my stepson at that time (buying groceries, clothing etc ) His father would gladly help himself to my sincere efforts and then proceed to ignore me like I didn't exist. Never a sincere thank-you'...He just helped himself to MORE. They absolutely 'know' when they have found the perfect person to make them look good. Never cast your pearls to a SWINE. He showed my stepson as well as our own two daughters exactly how to disrespect me by intentionally diminishing every conceivable effort I made to provide them with LOVE. These narc's are extremely calculating and only and ever USE their own children against you. They refuse to co-parent. BE AWARE 💔
Absolutely on point! I have said it in the comments in other videos of yours. I truly wish I would have came across your amazing videos before! But then again! I would probably still be going through all of the HELL! I was Broken sooo very bad! For 5 years I was All that you mentioned! All of that! I'm at that point and yet been away from him for about two months now!
I feel like I'm in a weird situation. My abuser might not have realized what he was doing when he broke me. He drove me to the point of a mental breakdown during the pandemic. He convinced me I was crazy and solely to blame for everything. He touched on it ONCE and only once when he said to me, "Gee I hope I didn't cause any of this." After he left I broke down crying. Did he really not know?? He then proved to everyone (mainly our children) that HE was saving me from myself and would fix me. He did actually help build me back up and supported me, all the while reminding me and the kids that he was only staying with me for them and didn't want them to see him kick crazy mom to the curb. I wasn't allowed to speak to a professional because he refused to deal with anyone telling him that "my therapist says I need..." I feel like I have a split personality because I have to bury the part of me that hates him for what he did and does to me. He knows he's a narcissist but refuses to acknowledge that it caused any harm. He also magnified his control issues to the utmost degree during the pandemic, and I am still unable to make my own decisions on what is or isn't safe. I CANNOT leave my kids with him without being right there to protect them and stop them from learning and repeating the same toxic behaviors. I have to stay the personality that adores him and all that he does to avoid making life miserable for everyone involved. It's a complete mind f*ck that my abuser is the one who "saved me from myself." I want to share one of your videos with him, but I'm terrified. What happens when he finally realizes or accepts that the mental struggles I faced last year are the textbook effects of CPTSD from narcissistic abuse I suffered at his hands?
Do not share with him that he’s a narcissist. You’ll see the worst side of him. The absolute bottom. You’re not the problem. He’s the problem. Now start secretly preparing your exit. Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove. Outsmart that SOB! You can do it.
It's been 2 months since you wrote it. How are you doing now?
Why do ppl have kids when a relationship is not working?
Thank you for this video tutorial! I reference your video many times for all my family's iPads! Your video tutorial one time saved my data from my burnt-screen iPad and I was able to backup all the info to a new iPad! Even Apple store didn't come up with that solution!
Don't know what occurred in your life throughout the years but you deserve the best for you and your family ! Your honest ,polite, and delightful CoachM !!!!! I Love to look at you also because in a scale from 1 to 10 in Beautiful I give you a 10 ! ♥️💐💐🌷😇
So well explained ♥
Thank you so much Michelle!!
I am 22 years in on this covert narcissist roller coaster! Finally, I am learning that I am not actually psychotic!! And it has been 8 years since I had any hope for myself! .. when the covert narcissist gets exposed… that is a rage that becomes inexplicable and truly destructive ! Which I somehow agreed to believed was my fault and I deserved !
So true, I've been following Michelle for many years. She's so on "topic target". Thank you for helping me get through 40 plus years of "a not normal marriage ".
May God continue to bless you🙏
Yes, I am in a situation where I was devalued by a narcissist and when it happened I was perplexed by how they weren't seeing some of their own mistakes, becuase honestly, my devaluing coincided with my making a mistake. When it was happening, I never understood the narcissistic behavior to the degree explained in the video. During devaluaization, it was me no longer wanting to contribute to my role of perpetuating a false image of miyself.
My therapist recommended making a list of people who do value you for being you.