They don't take personal responsibility for their own feelings. They rather project their sh*t onto healthy people to regulate through. I notice my dad get all moody when a narc cousin visits.
emotion swapping. These people are possess by evil spirit that were one time in the presence of God, and enjoy the peace and love, now they are cast away and they need people like us emotion to regulate themselves so they do not jump off a bridge. They ARE evil to the core.
The lowest times in my life because of him, I started to notice were his happiest. As soon as he brought me down he would be so chipper and happy. Once I regained peace he was back to griping and sulking.
My brain knew all along something was wrong within him, and I was not exactly wanting to fix him but I was fixing myself and he got more irritated the better I was getting. Towards the end he literally said "you don't react anymore, you don't play, you don't love me, you love your job more, your phone more, everything but me" I was at a complete dumbfounded loss of words, I spent years exhausting the words until they were dead, the codependent defense within me is strong. But watching these videos I have learned so much, I am working on that wound!
3 ปีที่แล้ว +28
Duuuuuuude, ive said, its like my mom steals my good mood and wipes off her bad mood on me
Isn't it easier to say that whenever you're happy, rekaxed, they feel envy and because they can't regulate their feelings, they spoil it for you. When you are miserable again, they gain satisfaction.
It was the title of this video that caught my eye. Only a person who has survived extreme narcissistic abuse and is an empath, could come up with this, brilliant. It is beyond devastating when its both parents. I actually don't feel that my nervous system will ever recover. The abused person is the one who is labelled. So many people with complex PTSD who are misdiagnosed/ mistreated. I believe a huge % of people in psychiatric facilities and jail are just deeply traumatised. Narcissists are not broken, they are just pure evil and choose to behave the way they do and they know exactly what they are doing and they never become good people, end of. Only one solution and that's zero contact or they will cost you your life.
Exactly. No contact with Narc father. He wore my mother into dementia. Once she was totally gone mentally I got attacked (after a lifetime of this crap and finally figuring it out at 60). He will no longer have me to lash at and verbally abuse. So hard to stop all contact after a lifetime of this abuse.
I say this all the time. My narcissist ex was beyond PYCHOTIC. Before I knew he was narcissistic I use to tell him I feel like he has a spell on me. He use to laugh and say he does. Then as months went on he became dark and manipulative. Just psychologically abusive. I met his father and he acted like his son was a good person. They all fuckin liars. Seems like narcissistic demons never get their karma. They go from person to person destroying lives
What makes it hard is that when we don't react, they begin attacking others in the home or in the vicinity; even their children. And just like that- you re-enter the war, because you have to
They are living proof that the saying “it takes two to fight” it’s just not true. I watched my raging exnarc fight with a pizza box he couldn’t get inside the fridge. I honestly saw him screaming at his hand once when somehow he missed the light switch turning it on.
@UCMaNCCrFE_F1w0dsVhhJg0Q yes, I was never very religious but now that I'm a bit more on the spiritual side I definitely believe in demonic lower vibrational forces.. my cutting people off and going grey rock/cold is so very on point now at age 32, I used to entertain these roller coasters of relationships but the more inner work and healing I do the less I attract these encounters.. very mind blowing how this reality works
Tragically this dynamic can become internalised and be played fwd into the victim/s relationships. The abuse becomes reactive in us as we react to others as if they are the original abuser/s. Or worse we find another Narc to repeat the dance with, or a Narc finds us - unless of course we begin a path/life of recovery
My husband actually told me my happiness made him angry. When I would get upset he would start feeling so much better sometimes even be able to sleep. Wow. So true.
My crazy ex husband used to say I was SO beautiful when I cried...intellectually I knew he was crazy...but I had a crazy mother and 2 crazy sisters who loved him... Now I cannot believe I did not divorce them all years before I did.
Yup-the day he said “I want to wipe the smile off your face….permanently” I knew my marriage was over . This man did not love me the way a husband should love a wife…..that’s when I knew I would need to leave the marriage-it took few more years to actually go thru with but God helped me out every step of the way once I became aware and decided
Accept yourself 100% and the narcissist can't touch you.... I think.... but there's no telling what these psychos might do so listen to your fear and instincts - it's there for a reason
SPOT ON!!! I knew I wasnt crazy and always angry. He had me convinced I was flying off the handle for nothing. I couldnt understand how he remained so calm and yet I was the hot headed one, which I never had been.
Did you ever have an unusual moment where you were extra " zen" or calm and maybe in grey rock mode and they were losing it and then looked at you and asked straight up..." How are you so Zen?" Mine did this when I stepped in between him and our son and I thought he ( my ex/ sons dad) was probably going to severely hurt my son over something sort of minor even if done on purpose. They were yelling and fighting and he sort of acted like he heard a director say " cut" in a movie and looked me straight in the eye and asked me that. I was like huh? What? And said I don't know and he got really calm too and I just talked him to a better place but my son was still amped up, worried to get a fight but quiet. He usually is quiet. This discussion and your comment made me think of this moment. It reminds me of how the woman calms down king kong or Natasha calms hulk. It is a real thing that can become toxic when it is not really a choice or mutually beneficial relationship.
This. So so so much! I've never been angry or loud in an argument in my life until this relationship happened. I seriously questioned what was happening and thought I must have changed. I must be doing something wrong. I now realise that she was deliberately looking for ways to trigger me. Doing anything in her power to provoke a reaction. And the calmer and more reasonable I tried to be, the more she hated it, she the more she ramped up the pressure and the insults and stubbornness.
3 ปีที่แล้ว +80
I always wondered why every roommate ive ever had eventually grows to hate me even tho i just leave them alone and do my own thing. I work from home and tend to spend a lot of time relaxing but people seem to absolutely despise me for it. This makes so much sense.
My mother once looked super happy and calm when I broke down crying in a mall changeroom one day. I was shocked and confused and pretty disturbed. My ex boyfriend emoted pure joy when I disclosed a past trauma to him. When I asked him why he seemed happy, he said he was "just happy I was there with him". When I called him on not showing me empathy, He tried to gaslight me about the definition of empathy.
I had a teacher like this. She was writing teacher who pressed and pressed us to write our deepest pains and wounds. I genuinely thought she was doing it for our own good, but she looked absolutely delighted in the creepiest way whenever one of us started to cry...
That smirk they gave me everytime I opened up, especially after the gaslight and manipulation, and the most disgusting things is when they tried to convince me to go therapy, and later I went because I thought I have adhd and my therapist manipulated me and sneakily made a video of me and gave medication like I'm the crazy one and sent it to them, you can't imagine how they smirked in joy and let me know that they tricked me. Now I don't know which one I have after this video probably both but I can't help myself unless I leave the country but I can never heal because even though I cut off all the narcissists and toxic people but I still have a parent that triggers my wounds everytime.
When I was 6 months pregnant, my ex husband and I got into a fight. It quickly escalated because of his word salad. I asked him to please stop because I was scared at how I was feeling and the effect on the baby. The look in his eye of pure joy at my fear and pain was terrifying. He looked at me and said, no, i will not stop.
WOW! This is eye opening for me. I never knew why the second I feel good about myself I upset certain people or get shook into an uncomfortable state. I never could never understand why or how to go back to feeling good about myself.
What I noticed is they like to appear like they are totally calm, reserved, and mature. They love to provoke all kinds of reactions like anger, jealousy, sadness and if they can cause this feeling they blame you for bringing the drama. When you don´t react as pleasant they hate you and try other badass games like gaslighting to at least confuse you make you second guess and question what the heck is going on. That permanent state of not knowing destroys your inner peace. If they know you try to achieve something they will distract you by games like that make you fail and secretly delight. They use your failure to put you down, convince you of your worthlessness, and their superiority.
It's crazy making. I'm 5 days away from him, and 3 days away is when I began to realize how tightly wound I was, thinking that every normal interaction with other people was going to blow up in my face or threaten me, just to find how quickly I move into fear and anxiety for what's happened over 6 years but isn't now.
Had a terrible year long relationship with a narc, abuse manipulation, emotional terrorism. It wasnt until i decided to heal old wounds, and get to the bottom of it. I realized i had been in emotionally unhealthy relationships all my life. Starting with my father, these relationships dont come out of no where. Im healing and i want to make amends with people ive hurt too. It might take a lifetime but i wont ever allow myself to perpetuate another bad relationship to another empathetic person.
Wait, so were YOU the narc in that relationship or were THEY the narc? Your wounds of the past are not the cause of the abuse by your narc. It’s THEIR wounds of the past that made THEM narcissistic and thus emotionally abusive toward you in that relationship.
@@1kalicid im not the narc, i dont manipulate in relationships. It was my wounds that caused the hurt in my past when i met the narc all she did was watch my behavior and she knew how to play with my feelinsg ina way to get me to hurt myself. Her wounds caused her to need supply, my wounds caused me to be codependent. What i mean is she had a history of hurting others, Nd i didnt realize until this happened how unhealthy ive been in relationships. But im not the narc, the past 2 years ive been working on healing core wounds. So this cant happen again.
It was Elan Golomb in her book "Trapped in the Mirror" who wrote the the first book on narcissistic abuse. Sam Vaknin's book came out two years later. Dr. Golomb had an abusive, narcissistic father who told her she'd never amount to anything. She goes over case studies of her patients and her own journey out of the narcissist's abuse. She coined the phrase "negative introject" to describe what the narc leaves behind in their victims.
As in, 2 "narco-Nazi-psycho" criminal introjects! T'ain't pretty! - All I can figure is the RCC must be swamped w/ Calls re: Exorcism. 😱 Their office no longer even answers! And no CBs from a Priest. Per ny 2 Msgs. EMDR is too slow. I'm looking for a Rapid Transformational Therapist. I can't be Triggered in Probate!
True ., my Father was a master at this . Exhausted every stress hormone in my body aging adrenal glands to the age of 86 years okd tested at 45 years old this caused chronic fibromyalgia and fatigue and UCTd and Hashimotto all diagnosed at once . But when i married someone just as toxic caused 7 surgeries in 8 years . These cluster type Bs should be all living together and stay far away from from any Empath
3 ปีที่แล้ว +29
I stayed w my dad for a couple weeks and couldn't understand why every time id lay down or try to rest, he would start banging dishes around or playing loud war movies or whatever he can do to make me irritated, it was every time id feel relaxed he would try to passive aggressively mess with me. Then once im nice and pissed off, he is in the best mood ever.
It is a good day when you become aware of a flaw in your thinking, and you’re able to start to correct it. That can only happen if you’re not guilty and afraid. A narcissist never knows a lack of fear. They can’t stand to see you cope with yourself and the rest of the world, because they are so empty and powerless to do so. All they can control is their loved ones, in whom they invest all their negativity and rage.
I've been researching narcissistic Behavior for a couple years this information is new this is important if it's fact ual this kind of information will affect healing
The longer I was married the less time it took for me to go from relaxed to stressed. Eventually it just took a look and I'd start to think "oh I can't just sit here .." And I noticed my kids doing the same. Thankfully I am out!!
OMG, you really explain those evil monsters perfectly!!! Unfortunately, my nervous system is now activated because of the flashbacks I'm getting from this description! 🥴
This is the story of my life lately with my narc mother. I swear, Michelle, you really have a gift for articulating this type of abuse. I find it so difficult to explain to others, even to my therapist who doesn't even take narc abuse seriously. I only see her because I'm desperate at the moment. And yes!!!!! Energy exchange!!!!! She is so good at it!!!!! I hate when I play into the cycle! OMG! And you are right!!! The provocations become more and more subtle yet more effective at getting a response from me!!! Holy crow! Last night I went from 0 to 100 and got so upset with myself later on when I realized I had fallen into her trap and had lost my cool. Ugh. I should have know better!! And so many times I have questioned myself and wondered what the heck was wrong with me because I had been trained to think that way. It's become engrained in me. And another thing.....I've observed that often times when she does this energy exchange, she will do it in front of someone to set me up to be the bad person. I notice she will often be on the telephone and make subtle comments that seem harmless to others but she knows might trigger me so that the person on the phone can hear my response. I can't count the number of times that has happened to me since I moved back in with her a month ago. Sometimes I catch myself but other times I don't. The phone is a fierce weapon for her. So now, when I see her using it, I know to flee the scene and steer clear. The woman has 2 phones with her at all times too! A landline and a cell phone. It's crazy. She's old and retired. She's not some important CEO or an on-call physician needing to have access to phones at all times. It's ridiculous! Oh!!! And another thing......I noticed that when I fall into her traps like I did last night, she will be VERY calm and also watch and observe me...she stares and watches my every move. It's bizarre. When I got upset I was getting a glass of water. She was just watching. There was no need to stare at me as I poured a glass of water. But she and the rest of the family do that to me all of the time! I could be doing the most simple, irrelevant thing and yet they stare. It's as if they are watching and waiting to find something to use against me. It is the most bizarre thing to explain because I sound nuts doing so. What is up with them watching and staring? I have so many examples of this.
👋I can relate, I fell for the provoked argument 2 days ago and was disappointed in myself. I'm usually much cooler in greyrocking but not this time. I swear he left the room happy because I gave into the argument. But his words says the opposite. My npd husband uses my words i tell him from prior disagreements and repeat them back to me verbatim as if he'sthe victim. Yes, they watch your every move like animals. I've noticed that whenever they're talking in a crowd to someone else they look your way just to see your reaction instead of the person that they are talking to because they studied u so long that they know what to say to trigger a response out of u. I've come to the conclusion that narcs all act the same. We empaths have to watch our backs & protect our mental health. The world is full of unaware people not understanding the effects of npd! U can text me sometimes to compare notes, its hard to find people who understand what I'm going through...🤔
You are very wise to quote the infamous Dr. Vaknin- I admire him but find his videos trigger me. Your videos guide me gently into truth and I keep coming back 😊✡
I went from a Mother to a husband (10x worst than my mom) to several siblings, also worst than my Mom. My nervous system is shot; my body in pain... I have finally, ended All relationships. I hopefully, can heal my body.
I stopped giving them anger. I only show sadness and loneliness because its how I feel. But I noticed that makes them happy too. Whenever I tried to genuinely connect..it doesn't work and I end up in a negative state. Every single interaction.
I agree. It’s not fair that this is the accepted cultural solution. We must burn the narcs at the stake. (Kidding) Jokes aside, narcs need to face real consequences for their actions. I was depressed to the point of daily suicidal ideation growing up. I never took it out on anyone else, and narcs don’t have that excuse either.
Listening to this is making my jaw drop. I'm wildly recalling all of these snapshots in time from the relationship w my most recent ex. On the surface, yeah....it looked liked I was the "abusive" one. And there were times that I actually felt horrible for lashing out! And I was the one who ended up apologizing! But I just KNEW deep down....that the way I was feeling...didn't make any sense. I was never a person who was suspicious or paranoid or had anxiety! I remember having this epiphany one night as I was ruminating in my own mind(sometimes even aloud, which would eventually make me laugh at myself and the laughter gave me some temporary relief. Which I later learned is very common when you are in a relationship w a COVERT, underhanded Abuser),...and it hit me. My emotional responses....were very disproportionate to what it SEEMED like he was doing/saying/acting like. I would feel absolutely ENRAGED for something that SEEMED, on the surface as pretty benign. And it hit me that....there was way more going on than what it SEEMED like. I'm very intune with myself, my emotions and I freaking LIVE for those satisfying, good, deep conversations with someone where you walk away with a feeling a heightened awareness. I knew who I was. I knew I had never behaved before in the way I had with Steve. And something just clicked in my brain that night where it shifted my paradigm about the kind of person he was. As soon as I made the decision to extract the "emotional thinking" out of the equation.....the true dynamics of the relationship started getting clearer. I started educating myself. Reading anything I could get my hands on involving emotional abuse. And I honed in on "COVERT," right away. Because he never once called me a name or said anything that was very DIRECT. I realized that his favorite abusive tool was his uncanny ability to "play dumb." And then it made sense! It made sense why he could never be direct or assertive. Because if he WAS? Then he wouldn't be able to hide behind the nauseating "Oblivious" card he dealt me all the time. With an almost undetectable poker face. Then I started seeing the patterns. I learned what Cognitive Dissonance was and it still took some time to fully grasp that that's what I was experiencing! Your videos have been very helpful! Thank you! I wish I would had stumbled apon your channel sooner. They are COWARDS who cannot face themselves and manipulate their OWN self-hatred out onto others. But at the same time, orchestrate it all so you begin to doubt yourself. Crazy-making! Gaslighting, Deflection, Projection, blame-shifting...etc. They were ALL present in my joke of a relationship w a joke of a man.
I was not able to heal my wounds in the presence of a provocative, terrorizing, manipulative narcissist, not nearly. I could only do that after I had banished them all from my life.
Just to add if a covert narcissist gets a scapegoat child alone they can become a total overt narcissist and an overt narcissist will sometimes subtlety pick away at you to get a reaction. Covert or Overt their tactics can go either way
When I tried to tell about the beatings I had to endure when nobody was watching my siblings denied I was beat up more often than them. They normalized the beatings and the repression saying I am playing martyr just to get attention but it's funny that the only thing I have not been accused for is being an spoiled child. They know exactly what is going on and happy they are not the scapegoat. That's why they won't ever admit the truth; they will lose the narc's protection and will become the enemy.
In 2018 a horrible situation came up in my marriage and everything straight hit the fan. I didn't know what was happening. SOMEHOW you kept popping up in my TH-cam suggestions, so I decided to watch one of your videos. It was like you were living with me. I studied your videos every day for a YEAR. Everything you said would happen played out exactly how you described. EVERYTHING. Every reaction, every comment, every lie, every childish tactic, even down to cult family members we were living with. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw. It was like you knew my husband and his family!! Because of your videos I was able to pull myself together, take my kids and leave. From the bottom of MY HEART I thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
When I learned this while being screamed and criticized I would look at it thinking “I hate you “. In time I would think about something else. Now it is like watching someone on TV. Yelling at me. No feelings at all. Only sounds in the air.
They can do this to anyone if you don’t know what there going . I was called a liar for 30 years and I’m not a liar so it made me angry everyone has wounds everyone has problems so they can do this crap to anyone!!
Exactly what happened. Any time were having a good time he would make sure to ruin the day and or experience. I was calm until one time I exploded. So happy he's been out of my life. But, I learned so much about my self from the bad experience. He couldn't believe it when I told him I was helped by him. That's when he discarded me, because he couldn't harm me. And I began to see who he really was.
This makes so much sense. Why I am constantly hunting for rest and seldom actually feel rested. Why my parents would subtly confuse me until I was hysterical and then act superior when I broke down.
As a psychologist that has been through it and stopped it w "observe don't absorb" on you tube by Ross Rosenberg M.Ed. . meditation can increase parasympathetic activity.
This is a perfect description of what was happening to me in my forty year marriage and I never understood how to stop it. I finally left the marriage. I knew he was crazy making, but it wasn't until I spoke to him after being apart for several years that I was able to see it. I saw his mouth moving as he spoke, but I was more focused on how unaffected I was by what he was saying. I no longer felt entangled emotionally with him. What a relief it was to no longer feel like his puppet being triggered and jerked around emotionally.
Are you saying that if they feel unstable, their coping mechanism is to make you feel unstable because that power exchange helps them feel more in control for themselves - gaining that power over your emotional equilibrium helps them feel more in control of their own?
Great video on how that relationship works. We need to get strong internally, build our confidence and self-love together with self-respect and trust to be able to resist a narcisist trigger us so often. But it is hard to do so no contact is the best option, if possible …
Michele, Thank u so much for HELPING ME FINALLY UNDERSTAND why my narc mother ALWAYS starts fights with me when I'm calm, relaxed and happy. Out of the blue, without me doing anything wrong, a HUGE FIGHT begins over something tiny that she blows up like a volcano. Immediately after the fight, she is happy, relieved, smiling, content and peaceful, while I am the exact opposite...enraged!! Until now, I never realized that my calm, happy parasympathetic state angered her. She is only happy when I'm unhappy!! She is the most miserable, hateful, hurtful, unappreciative, angry, person I know. She loves to FIGHT about anything, anytime!! I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 1 year...and I never been so calm, peaceful, loving, and centered. Thank you for all you do!!!
As I begin to gradually experience what my parasympathetic state feels like again, I realize how much I missed it since I hadn't felt it in what seemed like forever. Thanks so much for articulating it so well.
The motivation doc on TH-cam says that rubbing your lips with one or two fingers left to right, back and forth for 30 to 60 seconds can flip our system back to parasympathic. Also I'm beginning to use herb teas like chamomile, lavender, passion flower individually and/or in combinations to help to bring me back to even keel functioning. But I know exactly what you mean. Reading books from the library is so fun and calming, but sometimes when my life gets stuck in the 'real life drama' fight or flight mode, I don't get books for months and months. I am thrilled to have just gotten a big stack of interesting books yesterday, so I'm taking a late summer parasympathetic holiday, where all my stimulus will be edifying and inspiring verse being on straight adrenaline and waiting with baited breath. And maybe I can pick up calming sewing projects, and do some spring cleaning items that always refuse to be done in the spring. Thank you for share this calm moment.
I believe those monsters comes to our life to teach us a lesson Lesson repeats until learned Energy is contagious Positive and negative alike. I will forever be MINDFUL of what and who I’m letting into MY SPACE 💫💖💫❤️❤️❤️
Noone ever deserves such a lesson. I am 47, and after almost 2 years of trying to help myself out my own truble, I just saw my mom in her real state (right yesterday), when she said that my teenager nice should be put in state care because of her behaviour. She is a 14 years old, confused (abused) girl. She does not deserve the treatment she has had from her parents. I did not deserve the treatment I had througout my life from my mother (meanwhile I have been trying to please her in many ways just to get her attention). No. Noone has any lesson to learn from any narcisssist. And you know, I have never had gotten to this knowladge if there is not an accidental offer from youtube. I was not interested in any psichological issues whatsoever and never before heard about narcissistic abuse. And if I did not click (after many recommanation) I would not know anything about it to this minute.
Thank you for this video! This is the first video I saw that breaks it down like this. I always wondered why I can literally just be sitting on the train chilling and narcissistic people get mad. And don’t get me started about coworkers...
I used to like playing guitar and drawing but noticed anytime I did my wife (I've recently escaped from) would think up some mundane job I could be doing instead so I stopped and lost interest in the things I did before I met her.
Anyone experience anything like their significant other planning things or doing things without telling you first? Then when you voice your frustrations with not being consulted first they tell you that you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill? That’s my situation. Pisses me off and then they say I’m the one with the issue because I’m mad and yelling.
For more than 6 years. First I noticed was we went on a cruise at 3 months dating. He'd been on cruises before, and knew I hadn't. He didn't bother to tell me to pack a few nights of formal wear, so he got off on me being flustered and not ready for the big picture or formal dinner night. Nearly everything since is same. I don't even know when he's ordered something we spoke of when I brought it up as a quandary. It kept me "pinning" for his attention to get an answer. It's what puts us below them, in their heads.
On the other hand, you do something without consulting them, even if it's no real concern of theirs and won't directly affect them, and it's the end of the world.
Often, they inform you when a joint task , trip, family outing ,etc WILL occur but wait to tell youuntil the day, or the hour , before the said event. Just enough time to have you cancel or postpone what you had already planned to do. Over time resentment will build . This happened a lot to me in my first marriage , and I was often left feeling like an angry child because her plans frequently conflicted with work I was doing , work she knew was important to me ,but yet was rarely acknowledged by her as worthwhile , except on some occasion to make others think she supported me. At the time I worked as an instructor and teacher while also doing a lot of volunteer work for some professional organizations in my field. Although I earned enough to pay our bills, I made more money with a two consulting fees than my wife's weekly salary, but I was seen as having more "free time", when in this free time I was writing class material, scheduling students and clients , or planning meetings or conferences. I would be happily engrossed in such work, when a something we had to do needed to get done NOW. If I raised any objection , I was , according to her, selfish, lazy , uncaring.. . Yes, in the end I probably did appear childish and unreasonable, as the negging and baiting triggered unhealed anger against my parents who did not see the worth or value of intellectual labor and around whom I used books and study as a defense mechanism to avoid adopting their habit patterns and lifestyle.
@@noworneversoulbeachBetter yet, under my ex wife, my parents and sister became her "flying monkeys" . They idolized her as a real daughter and she was their "golden child /hero " to my "black sheep/circuit breaker" . My parents (and unmarried sister) were deeply enmeshed in our marriage/ relationship .
Thank you so much! After 15 months solo I can notice now when something starts to trigger me and then I pay attention to my feelings and that helps me not react. I still have a lot of healing work to do but your insights are life saving! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
This all resonates with me. He is an overt narc. I didn’t know the difference but you have put it so simply Michele. Thank you. He hates to see me happy. He loves drama. I try and stay calm but last night I’ve made me so upset emotional and angry and he then called friends to say that I was a fruit loop and if he didn’t turn up for work in the morning they will know something has happened to him. When he knew I was recording him he changed his tune lied through his teeth about absolutely everything to make out I was the one ruining the relationship. He gaslighted me last night. I need to leave but have nowhere to go. He controls everything.
This video literally explains what i went through with a covert narcissist in an argument and it was an onslaught. I did think that when I was calm and told him I care, he would stop but he didn't until I yelled back but now I don't react because I reinforced my self-esteem through my spiritual relationship with God and took Mt triggers to him.
A NARC coworker tried to shatter my parasympathetic calm state by making an abrupt sound without success. Then, to my surprise, I was literally poked on the shoulder. I tell ya, if I was a different person, the situation would have escalated.
You are spot on my dad did this very type of abuse to me when I was alone with him it wasn’t until I was 33 years old and went to therapy and was diagnosed with being the adult child that suffered abuse from an alcoholic parent once I found this out I continued therapy and completely ended my relationship with my dad and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made as an adult
For me it was my mother... she had everybody convinced she was happy and fun and the victim, and that I was the crazy, dangerous, violent one. This abuse is so diabolical.
@@kristikola777 exactly my step mom allowed it and my dad was slick an absolute monster 👿 after he passed away my sister was deemed insane and tried to kill her mom it’s a all bad situation 😢
@@kristikola777 Sounds EXACTLY like my mother. I am 68 years old now and still am not believed when I say how mean, cruel, abusive, lying...My cousins try to argue with me because they saw her as sweet, funny, loving person, and say I am making it up. She ruined my life and I hate her
My ex narc always said I was lazy, and I hated him for it. Because I worked full-time, cleaned the house every day, did all the shopping and paid all the bills, took care of our kids and went to college at night. It's taken me a long time to get over his insults and realize he was just a strangely critical and toxic person. He would often put me down for not being outdoorsy or athletic, when he himself was neither of these things. I would be criticized for reading books, while he sat and played video games for hours. If you're with someone who is a pot calling the kettle black, run the other way!
Thank you for sharing this. This makes a lot of sense - based from my past experiences. I used to believe that all human beings were reasonable people; not anymore. I’ll stick up for myself now. And work on ‘forgive and forget’ in order to heal.
Brilliant lesson. You just described my older brother and two of my former girlfriends. It's good that we now have this information at hand to possibly save us from further abuse.
How do we prevent narcissist from detecting us. If we could figure that out we might save ourselves a whole lotta abuse and achieve even greater peace.
It's strange that itemizing all the things a Narc has done makes me feel viciously angry.....I've gotten myself out of a 10 yr torturous sentence married to a narc and everything you say is TRUE but 3 yrs on I'm still healing and sometimes I'm afraid this anger is now apart of me.....not becoming a narc exactly, but worried my triggers are on a hairpin trigger like a narc.......it's scary but I'm still pushing through
Wow... what in the world...?!! I was wondering whay every single time I think its safe enough or settled enough ithings Are quiet...everythings done that needs to be my duties and obligations are done for the day...i go to do something....I ...enjoy...art or reading or just chillin and relaxin ennoying that coffee...or just decompressing...wham they go nuts or SUDDENLY...neex and want something my energy my time me do something for them like they cant function on their own.but they can plot and plan and leave me out to patch the pieces together and get angry and miserable and restentful pouting.
Your pain like your attention and adulation is a form of supply. It is better to be hated and feared than forgotten ! Something I also learned from Sam Vaknin. But the way you lay out this is more than helpful :) the very fact that you react to their abuse makes them feel realized and alive. This is such an accurate description of what I went through with my ex. I fell out of love precisely when I saw how she relished from my pain. I tried not taking it seriously but it was difficult; trying to act a bit humorous when she was boiling helped a bit but believe me nothing works very well in the long run. Never tell them your deepest joys and fears everything will be a potential weapon to wield against you when the time comes. I realized that she took notes of everything. At the beginning I thought this is so nice of her and proof she values me. Little did I know that there was a huge dark side to this ! These individuals have such low self esteem that they want you to be dragged to the same level of hell where they are and sink you even deeper so they can feel within this screwed up fantasy morally superior to you “your rage at them for what they do becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the world is evil and they are special for being hated”. Showing love to them discomforts them profoundly it proves that the grandiose narrative is wrong and that their delusion is challenged. Thank you for your video !
Thank you. Yes, I can recognise now how my nex did this. He would disrupt me every time I was doing something that I enjoyed or when I was relaxed and I did notice that when he managed to make me stop what I was doing and feel annoyed or upset or just divert my attention onto him then he was calm and happy. I took antidepressants for 10 years when I lived with him. After he left me I was deeply shocked and stressed by his behaviour, and my dose was increased for a while, but underneath all the emotional and practical turmoil I felt more relaxed even from the day he left. I reduced and then completely gave up the antidepressants in the middle of our divorce, a year after he left, and have never needed them again. Your video explains why. .
My relative. She blows up at me over nothing, gets madder and madder when I don't argue back, makes increasingly provocative statements, asks questions, demands response. I leave for several hours, taking care of myself. She's calm when I return and all chipper the next day. I feel used. And abused. And I'm sick and tired of it.
This is one of the most logical and insightful videos I have ever watched !!! And the timing is great because I have entered into a very self aware and conscious state and I’m able to observe this energy transaction in hindsight. Thank you so much 😊 🙏 “wisdom is putting knowledge into practice” and learning to stop reacting is the best advice‼️❤️🦋
The Lord sent me this message through you tonight Michele this is exactly what I have been enduring with a neighbour for seven years. Right down to the enjoyment of a cup of coffee. Thank you, so much for helping me find answers. x
You pointing out that we get to the point of always being on edge reminded me of when my ex had just been released from prison and I was out fishing with friends. I had a sense of foreboding and finally mentioned the feeling to one of my fishing buddies. She pointed out that my ex used to punish me if I was out for more than 30 minutes without him and that he was released from prison the day before. Even though I was now divorced and nc I still had that fear conditioning when I was out having fun.
This enlarges on the idea that all during g the relationship they love bomb and then devalue over and over again which puts a person on an emotional roller coaster. I started a separation unbeknownst to him and then he gets nice gives me money and does the nicest things...which makes me think how could I leave now... then bam..they go back into Mr. Hyde mode.
My mother was like that, my ex-husband was like that and my husband is the same. Its depressing. I cant be creative and happy. After so many years, I have not got the power to protect myself or to leave. Thats so tragic because generally I believe that you shouldnt live with sb. who brings you down and scares you so often through yelling at you for no reason. You explained it well, Michele, its because the abuser cant stand to see you relaxed. He or she feels bad about it because it triggers wounds in them. Understanding that, at least I realize thats its normal in my situation to feel sad an lonely in that marriage and its not my fault.
It's taken years for me to detach, and be mindful of my inner compass. Because the attacks were so frequent, my mind couldn't get to the root cause. Removing toxic people had been such a relief. The hardest part was the beginning, dealing with what appeared like emptiness, but resolve has healed me in about 5 years. That's from 45 years of nonsense. Now can understand that feeling of becoming anxious when it first starts, so use mind power to take it down a notch. Tuning in to the inner compass tells me who to avoid. Be true to your compass, because that's god.
Going true this myself with xwife, thanks for this advice Michelle very helpful, narcissusts are evil evil people and should not get away with what they do.
The way it works is real,I do this… I noticed it and holt crap it’s hard to change it. I would really like to talk to you about this,I discovered, as I am trying so hard overcome the root cause, which is childhood emotional neglect… I grow upon a chaotic house, it’s all I knew so that part makes us calm when the other is upset is actually resisting our childhood setting… no chaos is so fusion to me. I was the youngest with no power, i was always being provoked… when you said it I realized it.. As I regulate myself more and more, I also realize as a narcissist I put my own emotions as a child in a closet in my mind and repressed everything,, EVERYTHING, and when I try to express and allow the pain to come out and cry it out, I am so guarded and ashamed for feeling weak. Then I hold the person I let it out to in a place of “ that’s all they see me as weak” I also know that I need a certain amount of chaos to feel good “normal” and to have a bigger mission to take on is like the key that unlocks my true self, For me personally… only speaking for myself… in the intense long isolation I would “pick myself apart” and find and make up everything that was wrong with me… over time that habit externalizes and we do it to others. The “love bomb” is because I HAD to make every second I did get to myself with my mother count because as soon as anyone else (siblings) entered the picture… I was discarded… and so we do what we learned. Pull them in… slightest trace of dissatisfaction with us-we discard-- I saw and experienced so much mental and emotional manipulation from my siblings I had no idea what was real. A parents job is to assist the child in the proper use and purpose of emotion as a guide for your life, it’s easy for a narcissist to make some feel really good, but we really don’t know what makes us
This is 10 years into narcissistic abuse researching and this is setting words on their constant unease. My mother, sister and some people i meet is exactly like this
This has been me recently. You know now watching the video info, most of my relationships . My mother ,brother and sister. My Dad brow beat by my mother's crazy. My brother super narc,sister a narc too. My mom's whole family and many more. I also found the last year with recent I had lost that I had not worked on. But the energy exchange I've always felt it but never analyzing it. When the host said energy exchange boom. My whole life could have been different if I had this Dr's advice. To be able to recognize what your in. Cuz the energy you get in beginning is different so scrutinize anyone you just met that you hit it off a little to good. Thank you Dr
That is evil.They only feel calm when you are stressed out.
Yes
They don't take personal responsibility for their own feelings.
They rather project their sh*t onto healthy people to regulate through.
I notice my dad get all moody when a narc cousin visits.
emotion swapping. These people are possess by evil spirit that were one time in the presence of God, and enjoy the peace and love, now they are cast away and they need people like us emotion to regulate themselves so they do not jump off a bridge. They ARE evil to the core.
its true. i have been with a women like this for 21 years.
The lowest times in my life because of him, I started to notice were his happiest. As soon as he brought me down he would be so chipper and happy. Once I regained peace he was back to griping and sulking.
Oh I so identify
It's so weird that they do that, right??!!
Yeah jesus help me so insane
Its not normal be happy when you sad and water you down.when you happy i notice this.begin singing of hapines lol
My brain knew all along something was wrong within him, and I was not exactly wanting to fix him but I was fixing myself and he got more irritated the better I was getting. Towards the end he literally said "you don't react anymore, you don't play, you don't love me, you love your job more, your phone more, everything but me" I was at a complete dumbfounded loss of words, I spent years exhausting the words until they were dead, the codependent defense within me is strong. But watching these videos I have learned so much, I am working on that wound!
Duuuuuuude, ive said, its like my mom steals my good mood and wipes off her bad mood on me
Isn't it easier to say that whenever you're happy, rekaxed, they feel envy and because they can't regulate their feelings, they spoil it for you. When you are miserable again, they gain satisfaction.
It was the title of this video that caught my eye. Only a person who has survived extreme narcissistic abuse and is an empath, could come up with this, brilliant. It is beyond devastating when its both parents. I actually don't feel that my nervous system will ever recover. The abused person is the one who is labelled. So many people with complex PTSD who are misdiagnosed/ mistreated. I believe a huge % of people in psychiatric facilities and jail are just deeply traumatised. Narcissists are not broken, they are just pure evil and choose to behave the way they do and they know exactly what they are doing and they never become good people, end of. Only one solution and that's zero contact or they will cost you your life.
Exactly. No contact with Narc father. He wore my mother into dementia. Once she was totally gone mentally I got attacked (after a lifetime of this crap and finally figuring it out at 60). He will no longer have me to lash at and verbally abuse. So hard to stop all contact after a lifetime of this abuse.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO THEM. 🤔
@Sid Lopez they do though, they spend their lives inadequate,lonely and shameful.
yea i have began to realize they are just an evil strain
I say this all the time. My narcissist ex was beyond PYCHOTIC. Before I knew he was narcissistic I use to tell him I feel like he has a spell on me. He use to laugh and say he does. Then as months went on he became dark and manipulative. Just psychologically abusive. I met his father and he acted like his son was a good person. They all fuckin liars. Seems like narcissistic demons never get their karma. They go from person to person destroying lives
What makes it hard is that when we don't react, they begin attacking others in the home or in the vicinity; even their children. And just like that- you re-enter the war, because you have to
Good to know!
Yes the pets,or the kids.
In my case it's better if he attacks others ie neighbour then the neighbour would believe it . Sorry he attacks kids pets though . Not fair ♥️
They are living proof that the saying “it takes two to fight” it’s just not true. I watched my raging exnarc fight with a pizza box he couldn’t get inside the fridge. I honestly saw him screaming at his hand once when somehow he missed the light switch turning it on.
The targeting of my children is why I went back. Atleast when I'm in the home I can mitigate the abuse he levies against them.
Thank you so much beautiful angel , you have no idea how much that explains everything to me 💫💖💫❤️❤️❤️
Eww they are like parasites when you put it this way
@UCMaNCCrFE_F1w0dsVhhJg0Q yes, I was never very religious but now that I'm a bit more on the spiritual side I definitely believe in demonic lower vibrational forces.. my cutting people off and going grey rock/cold is so very on point now at age 32, I used to entertain these roller coasters of relationships but the more inner work and healing I do the less I attract these encounters.. very mind blowing how this reality works
Eww, ur far to kind!
Eww, ur far to kind!
That's exactly what they are! Dangerous ones.
Tragically this dynamic can become internalised and be played fwd into the victim/s relationships. The abuse becomes reactive in us as we react to others as if they are the original abuser/s. Or worse we find another Narc to repeat the dance with, or a Narc finds us - unless of course we begin a path/life of recovery
Yes!!! That's why healing is so important =D
Excellent analysis. Going no contact is always the best answer. Keep those folks away from you.
They are truly a different breed (or seedline).
My husband actually told me my happiness made him angry. When I would get upset he would start feeling so much better sometimes even be able to sleep. Wow. So true.
I could physically see my ex light up when he could see my sadness. They are sick
Yep.. I have heard they actually believe we only act content to "hurt" them by depriving them of their power. It is diabolical.
My crazy ex husband used to say I was SO beautiful when I cried...intellectually I knew he was crazy...but I had a crazy mother and 2 crazy sisters who loved him...
Now I cannot believe I did not divorce them all years before I did.
My husband can go straight to sleep as soon as I finally blow up after months of walking on eggshells.
Yup-the day he said “I want to wipe the smile off your face….permanently” I knew my marriage was over . This man did not love me the way a husband should love a wife…..that’s when I knew I would need to leave the marriage-it took few more years to actually go thru with but God helped me out every step of the way once I became aware and decided
Accept yourself 100% and the narcissist can't touch you.... I think.... but there's no telling what these psychos might do so listen to your fear and instincts - it's there for a reason
Anything is possible with a narcissist
SPOT ON!!! I knew I wasnt crazy and always angry. He had me convinced I was flying off the handle for nothing. I couldnt understand how he remained so calm and yet I was the hot headed one, which I never had been.
Did you ever have an unusual moment where you were extra " zen" or calm and maybe in grey rock mode and they were losing it and then looked at you and asked straight up..." How are you so Zen?" Mine did this when I stepped in between him and our son and I thought he ( my ex/ sons dad) was probably going to severely hurt my son over something sort of minor even if done on purpose. They were yelling and fighting and he sort of acted like he heard a director say " cut" in a movie and looked me straight in the eye and asked me that. I was like huh? What? And said I don't know and he got really calm too and I just talked him to a better place but my son was still amped up, worried to get a fight but quiet. He usually is quiet. This discussion and your comment made me think of this moment. It reminds me of how the woman calms down king kong or Natasha calms hulk. It is a real thing that can become toxic when it is not really a choice or mutually beneficial relationship.
This. So so so much!
I've never been angry or loud in an argument in my life until this relationship happened.
I seriously questioned what was happening and thought I must have changed. I must be doing something wrong.
I now realise that she was deliberately looking for ways to trigger me. Doing anything in her power to provoke a reaction. And the calmer and more reasonable I tried to be, the more she hated it, she the more she ramped up the pressure and the insults and stubbornness.
I always wondered why every roommate ive ever had eventually grows to hate me even tho i just leave them alone and do my own thing. I work from home and tend to spend a lot of time relaxing but people seem to absolutely despise me for it. This makes so much sense.
Your happiness is torture to this clowns
Same here! I used to hear about how “lazy” I was. 😅😅😅
My mother once looked super happy and calm when I broke down crying in a mall changeroom one day. I was shocked and confused and pretty disturbed. My ex boyfriend emoted pure joy when I disclosed a past trauma to him. When I asked him why he seemed happy, he said he was "just happy I was there with him". When I called him on not showing me empathy, He tried to gaslight me about the definition of empathy.
I had a teacher like this. She was writing teacher who pressed and pressed us to write our deepest pains and wounds. I genuinely thought she was doing it for our own good, but she looked absolutely delighted in the creepiest way whenever one of us started to cry...
@@priyao5097 sick
How are you now
That smirk they gave me everytime I opened up, especially after the gaslight and manipulation, and the most disgusting things is when they tried to convince me to go therapy, and later I went because I thought I have adhd and my therapist manipulated me and sneakily made a video of me and gave medication like I'm the crazy one and sent it to them, you can't imagine how they smirked in joy and let me know that they tricked me. Now I don't know which one I have after this video probably both but I can't help myself unless I leave the country but I can never heal because even though I cut off all the narcissists and toxic people but I still have a parent that triggers my wounds everytime.
When I was 6 months pregnant, my ex husband and I got into a fight. It quickly escalated because of his word salad. I asked him to please stop because I was scared at how I was feeling and the effect on the baby. The look in his eye of pure joy at my fear and pain was terrifying. He looked at me and said, no, i will not stop.
He meant it. Best believe
Need to leave now believe too late and does number on your kids as well . Sorry for truth but you do . ❤️
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband provoked me, and I said f word and he slapped my face.
@@br9791 so sorry x
WOW! This is eye opening for me. I never knew why the second I feel good about myself I upset certain people or get shook into an uncomfortable state. I never could never understand why or how to go back to feeling good about myself.
Me too
Same!!
What I noticed is they like to appear like they are totally calm, reserved, and mature. They love to provoke all kinds of reactions like anger, jealousy, sadness and if they can cause this feeling they blame you for bringing the drama. When you don´t react as pleasant they hate you and try other badass games like gaslighting to at least confuse you make you second guess and question what the heck is going on. That permanent state of not knowing destroys your inner peace. If they know you try to achieve something they will distract you by games like that make you fail and secretly delight. They use your failure to put you down, convince you of your worthlessness, and their superiority.
You speak with such eloquence on the subject. ❤️ Only people who've lived it truly understand.
It's crazy making. I'm 5 days away from him, and 3 days away is when I began to realize how tightly wound I was, thinking that every normal interaction with other people was going to blow up in my face or threaten me, just to find how quickly I move into fear and anxiety for what's happened over 6 years but isn't now.
Had a terrible year long relationship with a narc, abuse manipulation, emotional terrorism. It wasnt until i decided to heal old wounds, and get to the bottom of it. I realized i had been in emotionally unhealthy relationships all my life. Starting with my father, these relationships dont come out of no where. Im healing and i want to make amends with people ive hurt too. It might take a lifetime but i wont ever allow myself to perpetuate another bad relationship to another empathetic person.
Wait, so were YOU the narc in that relationship or were THEY the narc? Your wounds of the past are not the cause of the abuse by your narc. It’s THEIR wounds of the past that made THEM narcissistic and thus emotionally abusive toward you in that relationship.
@@1kalicid im not the narc, i dont manipulate in relationships. It was my wounds that caused the hurt in my past when i met the narc all she did was watch my behavior and she knew how to play with my feelinsg ina way to get me to hurt myself. Her wounds caused her to need supply, my wounds caused me to be codependent. What i mean is she had a history of hurting others, Nd i didnt realize until this happened how unhealthy ive been in relationships. But im not the narc, the past 2 years ive been working on healing core wounds. So this cant happen again.
I like both of you
Affecting our nervous system can and does cause chronic illness
This explains why those abusing me have invaded my gaming hobby. They know it brings me peace and they can’t have that. What a rotten soul.
yeag they haven’t nothing in their live so they tried ruined other people happiness
lol went through the same thing
lol when i'm totally enjoying my Nintendo switch in toilet, they always give their 2 cents about me to grow up and be a real man
Wow Thanks Michele. I just got rid of my Narcissist girlfriend b4 I lose my mind🤯
It was Elan Golomb in her book "Trapped in the Mirror" who wrote the the first book on narcissistic abuse. Sam Vaknin's book came out two years later. Dr. Golomb had an abusive, narcissistic father who told her she'd never amount to anything. She goes over case studies of her patients and her own journey out of the narcissist's abuse. She coined the phrase "negative introject" to describe what the narc leaves behind in their victims.
Negative introject, I'm gonna search it. Thx
As in, 2 "narco-Nazi-psycho" criminal introjects!
T'ain't pretty! - All I can figure is the RCC must be swamped w/ Calls re: Exorcism. 😱 Their office no longer even answers! And no CBs from a Priest. Per ny 2 Msgs.
EMDR is too slow. I'm looking for a Rapid Transformational Therapist. I can't be Triggered in Probate!
True ., my Father was a master at this . Exhausted every stress hormone in my body aging adrenal glands to the age of 86 years okd tested at 45 years old this caused chronic fibromyalgia and fatigue and UCTd and Hashimotto all diagnosed at once . But when i married someone just as toxic caused 7 surgeries in 8 years . These cluster type Bs should be all living together and stay far away from from any Empath
I stayed w my dad for a couple weeks and couldn't understand why every time id lay down or try to rest, he would start banging dishes around or playing loud war movies or whatever he can do to make me irritated, it was every time id feel relaxed he would try to passive aggressively mess with me. Then once im nice and pissed off, he is in the best mood ever.
exactly same with my mum its literally so annoying
Same my mom would run the vacuum
Same w my ex I could never rest
My mom can detect this 500 miles away!
Sooo true - distance means nothing when it comes to energy!!
One of the best way explaining how narcissistic supply works in all my 100’S of videos i have watched on this npd topic. FANTASTIC and thank you 🙏
They never think that they need help. It's ridiculous.
They love being in control, and they love seeing the proof that they have control
It is a good day when you become aware of a flaw in your thinking, and you’re able to start to correct it. That can only happen if you’re not guilty and afraid. A narcissist never knows a lack of fear. They can’t stand to see you cope with yourself and the rest of the world, because they are so empty and powerless to do so. All they can control is their loved ones, in whom they invest all their negativity and rage.
Thank you.
I was disregulated by a histrionic narc momster on a CONSTANT basis. im nearly 60 & STILL working on recovery of my nervous system....😕
I've been researching narcissistic Behavior for a couple years this information is new this is important if it's fact ual this kind of information will affect healing
The longer I was married the less time it took for me to go from relaxed to stressed. Eventually it just took a look and I'd start to think "oh I can't just sit here .." And I noticed my kids doing the same. Thankfully I am out!!
OMG, you really explain those evil monsters perfectly!!! Unfortunately, my nervous system is now activated because of the flashbacks I'm getting from this description! 🥴
This is the story of my life lately with my narc mother. I swear, Michelle, you really have a gift for articulating this type of abuse. I find it so difficult to explain to others, even to my therapist who doesn't even take narc abuse seriously. I only see her because I'm desperate at the moment. And yes!!!!! Energy exchange!!!!! She is so good at it!!!!! I hate when I play into the cycle! OMG! And you are right!!! The provocations become more and more subtle yet more effective at getting a response from me!!! Holy crow! Last night I went from 0 to 100 and got so upset with myself later on when I realized I had fallen into her trap and had lost my cool. Ugh. I should have know better!! And so many times I have questioned myself and wondered what the heck was wrong with me because I had been trained to think that way. It's become engrained in me. And another thing.....I've observed that often times when she does this energy exchange, she will do it in front of someone to set me up to be the bad person. I notice she will often be on the telephone and make subtle comments that seem harmless to others but she knows might trigger me so that the person on the phone can hear my response. I can't count the number of times that has happened to me since I moved back in with her a month ago. Sometimes I catch myself but other times I don't. The phone is a fierce weapon for her. So now, when I see her using it, I know to flee the scene and steer clear. The woman has 2 phones with her at all times too! A landline and a cell phone. It's crazy. She's old and retired. She's not some important CEO or an on-call physician needing to have access to phones at all times. It's ridiculous! Oh!!! And another thing......I noticed that when I fall into her traps like I did last night, she will be VERY calm and also watch and observe me...she stares and watches my every move. It's bizarre. When I got upset I was getting a glass of water. She was just watching. There was no need to stare at me as I poured a glass of water. But she and the rest of the family do that to me all of the time! I could be doing the most simple, irrelevant thing and yet they stare. It's as if they are watching and waiting to find something to use against me. It is the most bizarre thing to explain because I sound nuts doing so. What is up with them watching and staring? I have so many examples of this.
It's like their eyeballs are glossy black!! 🥺 demonic s#*%
👋I can relate, I fell for the provoked argument 2 days ago and was disappointed in myself. I'm usually much cooler in greyrocking but not this time. I swear he left the room happy because I gave into the argument. But his words says the opposite. My npd husband uses my words i tell him from prior disagreements and repeat them back to me verbatim as if he'sthe victim. Yes, they watch your every move like animals. I've noticed that whenever they're talking in a crowd to someone else they look your way just to see your reaction instead of the person that they are talking to because they studied u so long that they know what to say to trigger a response out of u. I've come to the conclusion that narcs all act the same. We empaths have to watch our backs & protect our mental health. The world is full of unaware people not understanding the effects of npd! U can text me sometimes to compare notes, its hard to find people who understand what I'm going through...🤔
Narcissist's Stare or Watching. Several excellent TH-cam vids on it! It's real.
Same! The stare makes me sick to my stomach. Mother does it.
Yes my mother does it.
You are very wise to quote the infamous Dr. Vaknin-
I admire him but find his videos trigger me. Your videos guide me gently into truth and I keep coming back 😊✡
Never trust a narc to tell you about themselves.
I went from a Mother to a husband (10x worst than my mom) to several siblings, also worst than my Mom. My nervous system is shot; my body in pain... I have finally, ended All relationships. I hopefully, can heal my body.
I stopped giving them anger. I only show sadness and loneliness because its how I feel. But I noticed that makes them happy too. Whenever I tried to genuinely connect..it doesn't work and I end up in a negative state. Every single interaction.
"You have to heal your wounds"? It's the victims fault, you suppose? Screw that. Never accept the subjugation of this manipulation again.
I agree. It’s not fair that this is the accepted cultural solution. We must burn the narcs at the stake. (Kidding)
Jokes aside, narcs need to face real consequences for their actions. I was depressed to the point of daily suicidal ideation growing up. I never took it out on anyone else, and narcs don’t have that excuse either.
Listening to this is making my jaw drop.
I'm wildly recalling all of these snapshots in time from the relationship w my most recent ex.
On the surface, yeah....it looked liked I was the "abusive" one. And there were times that I actually felt horrible for lashing out! And I was the one who ended up apologizing!
But I just KNEW deep down....that the way I was feeling...didn't make any sense. I was never a person who was suspicious or paranoid or had anxiety! I remember having this epiphany one night as I was ruminating in my own mind(sometimes even aloud, which would eventually make me laugh at myself and the laughter gave me some temporary relief. Which I later learned is very common when you are in a relationship w a COVERT, underhanded Abuser),...and it hit me. My emotional responses....were very disproportionate to what it SEEMED like he was doing/saying/acting like. I would feel absolutely ENRAGED for something that SEEMED, on the surface as pretty benign.
And it hit me that....there was way more going on than what it SEEMED like. I'm very intune with myself, my emotions and I freaking LIVE for those satisfying, good, deep conversations with someone where you walk away with a feeling a heightened awareness. I knew who I was. I knew I had never behaved before in the way I had with Steve. And something just clicked in my brain that night where it shifted my paradigm about the kind of person he was. As soon as I made the decision to extract the "emotional thinking" out of the equation.....the true dynamics of the relationship started getting clearer.
I started educating myself. Reading anything I could get my hands on involving emotional abuse. And I honed in on "COVERT," right away. Because he never once called me a name or said anything that was very DIRECT.
I realized that his favorite abusive tool was his uncanny ability to "play dumb."
And then it made sense! It made sense why he could never be direct or assertive. Because if he WAS? Then he wouldn't be able to hide behind the nauseating "Oblivious" card he dealt me all the time. With an almost undetectable poker face. Then I started seeing the patterns.
I learned what Cognitive Dissonance was and it still took some time to fully grasp that that's what I was experiencing!
Your videos have been very helpful! Thank you! I wish I would had stumbled apon your channel sooner.
They are COWARDS who cannot face themselves and manipulate their OWN self-hatred out onto others. But at the same time, orchestrate it all so you begin to doubt yourself.
Crazy-making! Gaslighting, Deflection, Projection, blame-shifting...etc. They were ALL present in my joke of a relationship w a joke of a man.
Wow! This knowledge is priceless!calmness is gold. Thank you,michele 🙏💖
I was not able to heal my wounds in the presence of a provocative, terrorizing, manipulative narcissist, not nearly. I could only do that after I had banished them all from my life.
They are always mad. I could never understand why for most of my life.
Just to add if a covert narcissist gets a scapegoat child alone they can become a total overt narcissist and an overt narcissist will sometimes subtlety pick away at you to get a reaction. Covert or Overt their tactics can go either way
Well said!
Yesss!!!!
I was scared to be with my own mother alone .no one new what I was going through
When I tried to tell about the beatings I had to endure when nobody was watching my siblings denied I was beat up more often than them. They normalized the beatings and the repression saying I am playing martyr just to get attention but it's funny that the only thing I have not been accused for is being an spoiled child.
They know exactly what is going on and happy they are not the scapegoat. That's why they won't ever admit the truth; they will lose the narc's protection and will become the enemy.
In 2018 a horrible situation came up in my marriage and everything straight hit the fan. I didn't know what was happening. SOMEHOW you kept popping up in my TH-cam suggestions, so I decided to watch one of your videos. It was like you were living with me. I studied your videos every day for a YEAR. Everything you said would happen played out exactly how you described. EVERYTHING. Every reaction, every comment, every lie, every childish tactic, even down to cult family members we were living with. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw. It was like you knew my husband and his family!! Because of your videos I was able to pull myself together, take my kids and leave. From the bottom of MY HEART I thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I pray many blessings on you and your children.
When I learned this while being screamed and criticized I would look at it thinking “I hate you “.
In time I would think about something else.
Now it is like watching someone on TV. Yelling at me. No feelings at all.
Only sounds in the air.
Reduce your own wounds and it will reduce the triggering power of the narcissist.
That’s what I took from this good video
They can do this to anyone if you don’t know what there going . I was called a liar for 30 years and I’m not a liar so it made me angry everyone has wounds everyone has problems so they can do this crap to anyone!!
Exactly what happened. Any time were having a good time he would make sure to ruin the day and or experience. I was calm until one time I exploded. So happy he's been out of my life. But, I learned so much about my self from the bad experience. He couldn't believe it when I told him I was helped by him. That's when he discarded me, because he couldn't harm me. And I began to see who he really was.
This makes so much sense. Why I am constantly hunting for rest and seldom actually feel rested. Why my parents would subtly confuse me until I was hysterical and then act superior when I broke down.
As a psychologist that has been through it and stopped it w "observe don't absorb" on you tube by Ross Rosenberg M.Ed. . meditation can increase parasympathetic activity.
This is a perfect description of what was happening to me in my forty year marriage and I never understood how to stop it. I finally left the marriage. I knew he was crazy making, but it wasn't until I spoke to him after being apart for several years that I was able to see it. I saw his mouth moving as he spoke, but I was more focused on how unaffected I was by what he was saying. I no longer felt entangled emotionally with him. What a relief it was to no longer feel like his puppet being triggered and jerked around emotionally.
Are you saying that if they feel unstable, their coping mechanism is to make you feel unstable because that power exchange helps them feel more in control for themselves - gaining that power over your emotional equilibrium helps them feel more in control of their own?
YES! Truly sickening isn’t it?!
Great video on how that relationship works. We need to get strong internally, build our confidence and self-love together with self-respect and trust to be able to resist a narcisist trigger us so often. But it is hard to do so no contact is the best option, if possible …
Great video that’s why they stalk and prey on people. Shine brighter and let them burn.
Michele, Thank u so much for HELPING ME FINALLY UNDERSTAND why my narc mother ALWAYS starts fights with me when I'm calm, relaxed and happy. Out of the blue, without me doing anything wrong, a HUGE FIGHT begins over something tiny that she blows up like a volcano. Immediately after the fight, she is happy, relieved, smiling, content and peaceful, while I am the exact opposite...enraged!! Until now, I never realized that my calm, happy parasympathetic state angered her. She is only happy when I'm unhappy!! She is the most miserable, hateful, hurtful, unappreciative, angry, person I know. She loves to FIGHT about anything, anytime!! I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 1 year...and I never been so calm, peaceful, loving, and centered. Thank you for all you do!!!
I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war. Psalm 120:7
Observe not absorb 👍 up Michelle and survivors and thrivers 🙏
Oh my word. Total identification. my mother. My ex-husband. No contact with them both. They made me nuts
As I begin to gradually experience what my parasympathetic state feels like again, I realize how much I missed it since I hadn't felt it in what seemed like forever. Thanks so much for articulating it so well.
The motivation doc on TH-cam says that rubbing your lips with one or two fingers left to right, back and forth for 30 to 60 seconds can flip our system back to parasympathic. Also I'm beginning to use herb teas like chamomile, lavender, passion flower individually and/or in combinations to help to bring me back to even keel functioning. But I know exactly what you mean. Reading books from the library is so fun and calming, but sometimes when my life gets stuck in the 'real life drama' fight or flight mode, I don't get books for months and months. I am thrilled to have just gotten a big stack of interesting books yesterday, so I'm taking a late summer parasympathetic holiday, where all my stimulus will be edifying and inspiring verse being on straight adrenaline and waiting with baited breath. And maybe I can pick up calming sewing projects, and do some spring cleaning items that always refuse to be done in the spring. Thank you for share this calm moment.
can it be healed?
So true… it takes them less effort over time to trigger
This is priceless. I hope you realize the full value of your message! Awesome! Thank you
I believe those monsters comes to our life to teach us a lesson
Lesson repeats until learned
Energy is contagious
Positive and negative alike.
I will forever be MINDFUL of what and who I’m letting into MY SPACE 💫💖💫❤️❤️❤️
Noone ever deserves such a lesson. I am 47, and after almost 2 years of trying to help myself out my own truble, I just saw my mom in her real state (right yesterday), when she said that my teenager nice should be put in state care because of her behaviour. She is a 14 years old, confused (abused) girl. She does not deserve the treatment she has had from her parents. I did not deserve the treatment I had througout my life from my mother (meanwhile I have been trying to please her in many ways just to get her attention). No. Noone has any lesson to learn from any narcisssist.
And you know, I have never had gotten to this knowladge if there is not an accidental offer from youtube. I was not interested in any psichological issues whatsoever and never before heard about narcissistic abuse. And if I did not click (after many recommanation) I would not know anything about it to this minute.
💯📌
Thank you for this video! This is the first video I saw that breaks it down like this. I always wondered why I can literally just be sitting on the train chilling and narcissistic people get mad. And don’t get me started about coworkers...
I used to like playing guitar and drawing but noticed anytime I did my wife (I've recently escaped from) would think up some mundane job I could be doing instead so I stopped and lost interest in the things I did before I met her.
Anyone experience anything like their significant other planning things or doing things without telling you first? Then when you voice your frustrations with not being consulted first they tell you that you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill? That’s my situation. Pisses me off and then they say I’m the one with the issue because I’m mad and yelling.
YES then they enmesh themselves with your family in order to keep tabs on you, incredibly manipulative。🤢
For more than 6 years. First I noticed was we went on a cruise at 3 months dating. He'd been on cruises before, and knew I hadn't. He didn't bother to tell me to pack a few nights of formal wear, so he got off on me being flustered and not ready for the big picture or formal dinner night.
Nearly everything since is same. I don't even know when he's ordered something we spoke of when I brought it up as a quandary. It kept me "pinning" for his attention to get an answer. It's what puts us below them, in their heads.
On the other hand, you do something without consulting them, even if it's no real concern of theirs and won't directly affect them, and it's the end of the world.
Often, they inform you when a joint task , trip, family outing ,etc WILL occur but wait to tell youuntil the day, or the hour , before the said event. Just enough time to have you cancel or postpone what you had already planned to do. Over time resentment will build .
This happened a lot to me in my first marriage , and I was often left feeling like an angry child because her plans frequently conflicted with work I was doing , work she knew was important to me ,but yet was rarely acknowledged by her as worthwhile , except on some occasion to make others think she supported me.
At the time I worked as an instructor and teacher while also doing a lot of volunteer work for some professional organizations in my field. Although I earned enough to pay our bills, I made more money with a two consulting fees than my wife's weekly salary, but I was seen as having more "free time", when in this free time I was writing class material, scheduling students and clients , or planning meetings or conferences. I would be happily engrossed in such work, when a something we had to do needed to get done NOW. If I raised any objection , I was , according to her, selfish, lazy , uncaring.. .
Yes, in the end I probably did appear childish and unreasonable, as the negging and baiting triggered unhealed anger against my parents who did not see the worth or value of intellectual labor and around whom I used books and study as a defense mechanism to avoid adopting their habit patterns and lifestyle.
@@noworneversoulbeachBetter yet, under my ex wife, my parents and sister became her "flying monkeys" . They idolized her as a real daughter and she was their "golden child /hero " to my "black sheep/circuit breaker" . My parents (and unmarried sister) were deeply enmeshed in our marriage/ relationship .
Thank you so much! After 15 months solo I can notice now when something starts to trigger me and then I pay attention to my feelings and that helps me not react. I still have a lot of healing work to do but your insights are life saving! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
This all resonates with me. He is an overt narc. I didn’t know the difference but you have put it so simply Michele. Thank you. He hates to see me happy. He loves drama. I try and stay calm but last night I’ve made me so upset emotional and angry and he then called friends to say that I was a fruit loop and if he didn’t turn up for work in the morning they will know something has happened to him. When he knew I was recording him he changed his tune lied through his teeth about absolutely everything to make out I was the one ruining the relationship. He gaslighted me last night. I need to leave but have nowhere to go. He controls everything.
This video literally explains what i went through with a covert narcissist in an argument and it was an onslaught. I did think that when I was calm and told him I care, he would stop but he didn't until I yelled back but now I don't react because I reinforced my self-esteem through my spiritual relationship with God and took Mt triggers to him.
True, they can't see you happy.
A NARC coworker tried to shatter my parasympathetic calm state by making an abrupt sound without success. Then, to my surprise, I was literally poked on the shoulder.
I tell ya, if I was a different person, the situation would have escalated.
You are spot on my dad did this very type of abuse to me when I was alone with him it wasn’t until I was 33 years old and went to therapy and was diagnosed with being the adult child that suffered abuse from an alcoholic parent once I found this out I continued therapy and completely ended my relationship with my dad and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made as an adult
Good for You! I wish I left sooner. Staying in a narcissistic family causes soo much emotional damage. I finally went no contact to save myself.
For me it was my mother... she had everybody convinced she was happy and fun and the victim, and that I was the crazy, dangerous, violent one. This abuse is so diabolical.
@@kristikola777 exactly my step mom allowed it and my dad was slick an absolute monster 👿 after he passed away my sister was deemed insane and tried to kill her mom it’s a all bad situation 😢
@@kristikola777 my mother to, I had to finally cut contact with her
@@kristikola777 Sounds EXACTLY like my mother. I am 68 years old now and still am not believed when I say how mean, cruel, abusive, lying...My cousins try to argue with me because they saw her as sweet, funny, loving person, and say I am making it up. She ruined my life and I hate her
My ex narc always said I was lazy, and I hated him for it. Because I worked full-time, cleaned the house every day, did all the shopping and paid all the bills, took care of our kids and went to college at night. It's taken me a long time to get over his insults and realize he was just a strangely critical and toxic person. He would often put me down for not being outdoorsy or athletic, when he himself was neither of these things. I would be criticized for reading books, while he sat and played video games for hours. If you're with someone who is a pot calling the kettle black, run the other way!
Sounds like your husband was completely unworthy of you. But he must have been a darn good actor to get you to marry him in the first place.
Thank you for sharing this. This makes a lot of sense - based from my past experiences. I used to believe that all human beings were reasonable people; not anymore. I’ll stick up for myself now. And work on ‘forgive and forget’ in order to heal.
Your awesome information! Helps me cope in my relationship with a covert
Brilliant lesson. You just described my older brother and two of my former girlfriends. It's good that we now have this information at hand to possibly save us from further abuse.
How do we prevent narcissist from detecting us. If we could figure that out we might save ourselves a whole lotta abuse and achieve even greater peace.
It's strange that itemizing all the things a Narc has done makes me feel viciously angry.....I've gotten myself out of a 10 yr torturous sentence married to a narc and everything you say is TRUE but 3 yrs on I'm still healing and sometimes I'm afraid this anger is now apart of me.....not becoming a narc exactly, but worried my triggers are on a hairpin trigger like a narc.......it's scary but I'm still pushing through
Wow... what in the world...?!! I was wondering whay every single time I think its safe enough or settled enough ithings Are quiet...everythings done that needs to be my duties and obligations are done for the day...i go to do something....I ...enjoy...art or reading or just chillin and relaxin ennoying that coffee...or just decompressing...wham they go nuts or SUDDENLY...neex and want something my energy my time me do something for them like they cant function on their own.but they can plot and plan and leave me out to patch the pieces together and get angry and miserable and restentful pouting.
Your pain like your attention and adulation is a form of supply. It is better to be hated and feared than forgotten ! Something I also learned from Sam Vaknin. But the way you lay out this is more than helpful :) the very fact that you react to their abuse makes them feel realized and alive. This is such an accurate description of what I went through with my ex. I fell out of love precisely when I saw how she relished from my pain. I tried not taking it seriously but it was difficult; trying to act a bit humorous when she was boiling helped a bit but believe me nothing works very well in the long run. Never tell them your deepest joys and fears everything will be a potential weapon to wield against you when the time comes. I realized that she took notes of everything. At the beginning I thought this is so nice of her and proof she values me. Little did I know that there was a huge dark side to this ! These individuals have such low self esteem that they want you to be dragged to the same level of hell where they are and sink you even deeper so they can feel within this screwed up fantasy morally superior to you “your rage at them for what they do becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the world is evil and they are special for being hated”. Showing love to them discomforts them profoundly it proves that the grandiose narrative is wrong and that their delusion is challenged. Thank you for your video !
This is so on point. I experienced this to a tee. Run from these insane people.
Thank you. Yes, I can recognise now how my nex did this. He would disrupt me every time I was doing something that I enjoyed or when I was relaxed and I did notice that when he managed to make me stop what I was doing and feel annoyed or upset or just divert my attention onto him then he was calm and happy. I took antidepressants for 10 years when I lived with him. After he left me I was deeply shocked and stressed by his behaviour, and my dose was increased for a while, but underneath all the emotional and practical turmoil I felt more relaxed even from the day he left. I reduced and then completely gave up the antidepressants in the middle of our divorce, a year after he left, and have never needed them again. Your video explains why. .
25 years until I woke up. I hadnt a clue what had happened to ne until I cane upon the word , "Narcissist".
My relative. She blows up at me over nothing, gets madder and madder when I don't argue back, makes increasingly provocative statements, asks questions, demands response. I leave for several hours, taking care of myself. She's calm when I return and all chipper the next day. I feel used. And abused. And I'm sick and tired of it.
This is one of the most logical and insightful videos I have ever watched !!! And the timing is great because I have entered into a very self aware and conscious state and I’m able to observe this energy transaction in hindsight. Thank you so much 😊 🙏 “wisdom is putting knowledge into practice” and learning to stop reacting is the best advice‼️❤️🦋
The Lord sent me this message through you tonight Michele this is exactly what I have been enduring with a neighbour for seven years. Right down to the enjoyment of a cup of coffee. Thank you, so much for helping me find answers. x
I totally feel this. It's crazy how this really has been happening for so long.
You pointing out that we get to the point of always being on edge reminded me of when my ex had just been released from prison and I was out fishing with friends. I had a sense of foreboding and finally mentioned the feeling to one of my fishing buddies. She pointed out that my ex used to punish me if I was out for more than 30 minutes without him and that he was released from prison the day before. Even though I was now divorced and nc I still had that fear conditioning when I was out having fun.
Darlene Cane,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you so much
I felt like it was a form of identity theft.
This explanation makes it so clear.
This enlarges on the idea that all during g the relationship they love bomb and then devalue over and over again which puts a person on an emotional roller coaster. I started a separation unbeknownst to him and then he gets nice gives me money and does the nicest things...which makes me think how could I leave now... then bam..they go back into Mr. Hyde mode.
My mother was like that, my ex-husband was like that and my husband is the same. Its depressing. I cant be creative and happy. After so many years, I have not got the power to protect myself or to leave. Thats so tragic because generally I believe that you shouldnt live with sb. who brings you down and scares you so often through yelling at you for no reason. You explained it well, Michele, its because the abuser cant stand to see you relaxed. He or she feels bad about it because it triggers wounds in them. Understanding that, at least I realize thats its normal in my situation to feel sad an lonely in that marriage and its not my fault.
It's taken years for me to detach, and be mindful of my inner compass. Because the attacks were so frequent, my mind couldn't get to the root cause. Removing toxic people had been such a relief. The hardest part was the beginning, dealing with what appeared like emptiness, but resolve has healed me in about 5 years. That's from 45 years of nonsense. Now can understand that feeling of becoming anxious when it first starts, so use mind power to take it down a notch. Tuning in to the inner compass tells me who to avoid. Be true to your compass, because that's god.
Going true this myself with xwife, thanks for this advice Michelle very helpful, narcissusts are evil evil people and should not get away with what they do.
The way it works is real,I do this… I noticed it and holt crap it’s hard to change it.
I would really like to talk to you about this,I discovered, as I am trying so hard overcome the root cause, which is childhood emotional neglect…
I grow upon a chaotic house, it’s all I knew so that part makes us calm when the other is upset is actually resisting our childhood setting… no chaos is so fusion to me. I was the youngest with no power, i was always being provoked… when you said it I realized it.. As I regulate myself more and more, I also realize as a narcissist I put my own emotions as a child in a closet in my mind and repressed everything,, EVERYTHING, and when I try to express and allow the pain to come out and cry it out, I am so guarded and ashamed for feeling weak. Then I hold the person I let it out to in a place of “ that’s all they see me as weak”
I also know that I need a certain amount of chaos to feel good “normal” and to have a bigger mission to take on is like the key that unlocks my true self, For me personally… only speaking for myself… in the intense long isolation I would “pick myself apart” and find and make up everything that was wrong with me… over time that habit externalizes and we do it to others. The “love bomb” is because I HAD to make every second I did get to myself with my mother count because as soon as anyone else (siblings) entered the picture… I was discarded… and so we do what we learned. Pull them in… slightest trace of dissatisfaction with us-we discard--
I saw and experienced so much mental and emotional manipulation from my siblings I had no idea what was real.
A parents job is to assist the child in the proper use and purpose of emotion as a guide for your life, it’s easy for a narcissist to make some feel really good, but we really don’t know what makes us
This is 10 years into narcissistic abuse researching and this is setting words on their constant unease. My mother, sister and some people i meet is exactly like this
Stay away from them , you dont owe anyone anything even if its family.
This was a really good talk. Very well argued and compassionate.
Truly brilliant - thank you so much 🙏
This has been me recently. You know now watching the video info, most of my relationships . My mother ,brother and sister. My Dad brow beat by my mother's crazy. My brother super narc,sister a narc too. My mom's whole family and many more. I also found the last year with recent I had lost that I had not worked on. But the energy exchange I've always felt it but never analyzing it. When the host said energy exchange boom. My whole life could have been different if I had this Dr's advice. To be able to recognize what your in. Cuz the energy you get in beginning is different so scrutinize anyone you just met that you hit it off a little to good. Thank you Dr
You just described my husband and I over the years! Funny cause he even said that one of the problems was that I always blow up!
This is spot on. Narcs like to short circuit others.
This makes SO much sense. Thank you, seriously!
True true true