OMG so shocking true! Thank you so much Michele for all this support and help to my healing journey.All those exercises and breathworks at Thrivers School of Transformation are pure gold to me.❤🙏💫
“The covert narcissist gives compassion to other people, they just don’t give it to you..” ..this hit me like a sledgehammer. Exactly what happened to me. I saw my ex talking so compassionately about friends and colleagues, like she was the most caring person in the world..but none of that extended in my direction. I thought it was me that was the problem somehow because of that..but a couple of times she literally said to me “I cannot consider your feelings” ..and when I was at rock bottom and asked for some support she told me “I can’t be that person for you.” Yet she always needed my support, and she seemingly wanted to help work colleagues. How does that even work? 🤷🏻♂️
That is So true of my ex-husband. For years he was always there for others but not there for me or our children. I didn't understand why he neglected us. I made excuses for him. Now that I am out of the 31-year marriage I can see it much more clearly. Also what you said about her saying to you she couldn't consider your feelings...so similar to my ex-husband. He looked me in the eye as I cried and said I know I should feel sorry for you but I feel nothing.
@@juanaatkins777 I am so sorry that you went through that. That last comment is heartbreaking..saying he felt nothing? That’s awful. Yeah, I sometimes wonder if their ‘compassion’ for others is just an act for the outside world to see, whereas those of us on the inside see a totally different side. I remember her even coming to tell me her friends’ problems so that I could give her advice and thoughts, that she could then extend to them as her own. It was like she had no empathy of her own, so she learnt what to say from me..
Thanks Elliot 🤗@@elliot9828 Videos like this one really help me to see clearly what was happening and comments like yours make me realise that I am not alone in experiencing these kinds of things.
Another example of how the abuser twists the healthy behavior like setting boundaries would be…. You set a boundary and they overdramatize your boundary. “I feel unsafe when I’m in a car that moves sporadically or is going too fast, can you please drive more conservatively when I’m in the car.” And they respond to that with driving excessively slow, creating traffic and conflict with other drivers. This causes the person who expressed and set the boundary to feel shamed as if they were being too sensitive.
my stepfather did this when I was 16. coming into my room without knocking I corrected him asking that he knock and ever after he would knock long after I said come in several times. he later pushed himself on me
@melsfarmstand OMG. I feel so seen. I never thought I’d hear this from anyone else. I told him to slow down on a dark, rainy night on an unfamiliar road next to water and he drove the exact speed limit for a month!! Even driving 55 mph in the far left lane on the highway for almost 75 miles to the airport. (I thought we were going to get shot by someone with road rage.) When I asked him to please speed up so we wouldn’t miss our flight…
Yesssssssss!!! I had to say to someone (family member that should be protective) “I shouldn’t have to feel this unsafe riding in a car with you.” That was all. I finally found the thing that worked for me at the moment. But the next time I said this their response was, “sounds like a personal problem” 😂 🤷♀️ like not even a relevant answer. But I haven’t ridden in the car with them since, and I shut down all communication at that moment.
i have a story like this, except she drove so slow over bumpy gravel that i just about shit my pants in her car. i could have gotten out and walked faster but the poopsplosion about to happen meant i was just begging her to hurry up. we were less than 100meters away from home and she made it last a couple minutes... all because the shocks of her car were more important than me.
The exact thing that happened. He was driving very slow because he was on his phone. People having to go around him on the highway. So I said "can you hurry up. Go speed limit because you have a train of people behind you." He looked at me hit the gas all the way and started to weave in and out of lanes, dodging traffic at around 100mph, tail gating people and switching lanes last minute, acting like he was going to crash into the next car infront of us. He said "like this?!!"
I'm 72 years old and this is the first time I've heard anyone describe my emotions whilst growing up. VERY GOOD. ACCURATE. Well done young lady, you helped me very much today - I'm grateful to you. Thank you.
This is EXACTLY HOW AND WHAT MY HUSBAND DID TO ME. SO PAINFUL. I LOST MYSELF. THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL. He would crush my soul. They literally suck the life right out of you.
absolutely true 😢 at the end u literally dont have strength to argue nomore like its not worth it cuz the more u try the more u get destroyed 😢they get energy by destroying u they know what destroys u its sucks because i left my career nd it wasnt worth it but thnk god im going back to my career because his sycho path nd insecurities destroyed me from achieving my goals ❤
I was erased. Totally. Thanks for talking about this Michele! After I left, a nice neighbor waved to me and I turned around to see who they were waving too! I was so used to being invisible.
I had similar thing happen to me. I was so used to being “not existing “. I was shocked someone wanted to actually hear anything I had to say or how I felt or yes, even wave to me. ❤❤❤😢😢😢
@@southernlady5085Thank you for putting into words. They erased me. I don't exist to them so they shouldn't exist to me, but they do I hold a grudge. For both of us. ❤
@@janice2992 Not my original words, but the words of the original post. Hopefully, with realization there will eventually come healing, forgiveness, and hope. One can’t stop at the realization and all of its emotions. Hopefully there will eventually be healing, forgiveness, and hope. Anger and holding a grudge will only serve to eat you up on the inside, sometimes to the point that the memories and old tapes in your head punish you even further. It’s ok to “sit” in the realization right now, but don’t linger more than is necessary. Move on in your life, and find resolution and peace. God bless you! ❤️
I got chills when you talked about the covert narc giving you the silent treatment and walking around like everything is fine in order to activate someone's sensitivity to rejection. DING, DING, DING!!! My mother's favorite punishment.
This is why grey rock triggered my DVD ex husband into more violence. His mother was a covert and gave him the silent treatment. His favorite ploy was to praise people for things he kept from me. He choked me unconscious to get rid of our baby but he still praises all his nieces for being mothers.
My mom too.... When I was 18 she didn't talk to me for almost a year because I was not studying enough.. I ended up with so many covert narcissists as friends and partners...
Emotional neglect is like having the skin of your soul being peeled off....slowly. It is so incredibly painful. There is SO much pain in the silence, the lack of things done and said, what is _missing._ To watch an emotional neglectful abuser show love/concern to pets, strangers, and friends but not to you~ it SCREAMS at you. The silence screams at you: "YOU. DONT. MATTER. You are invisible, you aren't worth even my attention to show you that you even _exist."_ My self worth was low when I met my ex, but what little self worth I had, it was pummeled into dust by him. One day we fought and he wanted to go fishing but we hadn't _resolved_ the issue. It was what it always was: left as loose ends and I was emotionally bleeding out. He wanted to go fishing and I truly didn't believe I was allowed to say "no" to anything he wanted. I agreed to go but I grabbed a bottle of wine on our way out. I sat in the bottom of the boat, drinking this whole bottle, tears streaming down my face but I didn't make a sound. He hated when I cried. He stood on the end of the boat with his back to me, casting over and over for over an hour. Not once did he look at me, not once did he glance my way and ask me if I was ok, or came to me to comfort me. Nope. I cannot _believe_ I put up with that!!! Now, I wish I had put the boat in reverse so he'd fall of the front...then drive the boat around him screaming at him and then drive to the boat ramp and call an Uber to gtfo. 😢
Yeah it could go either way, keep crying and stick it out or push him off the boat, I say push him lol. After a while of him not caring about my crying I think I would've become angry
I will always remember the stare my ex Narc gave me when I did something for him. “This isn’t your job” “I didn’t ask you to do it” … When I was at his place and it was already 2pm and we didn’t eat yet because he was just on his phone and didn’t talk I cooked us food and asked him if he wanted to come eat with me. He just looked at me with despite “How dare you make me look like that” “How dare you disrespect me” “You disgust me” it’s all things I could hear in that moment when his pitch black eyes looked at me from across the room. I felt so unheard and unseen it felt like it was eating me alive
Being Neglected by the love of your life is a torturous existence that day by day makes him stronger and you weaker until one day you've completely disappeared and all that's left is something that you don't even know
“The effects of emotional neglect are extremely damaging. “Maybe the narcissist isn’t doing anything forcefully, but by what they are withholding from you is causing your personality to implode in on itself. “And over a long period of time you wind up feeling as if you’ve been erased from the inside out. “And in a way, you have. Your emotions never had space, they never mattered, and so they were erased. “The beliefs that you had about yourself, you were not allowed to have them, they were never mirrored back, they were never supported, so they were erased and replaced with negative beliefs about who you are. “And when that pattern takes root inside of us, it causes us to show up in every relationship in that same pattern…. “We wind up furthering our suffering because we’re showing up in these templates, these patterns… and we’re seeing other people continually reflect back to us the same neglect that our caregivers .. did as well.” I had to stop and write down exactly what you said, because I’ve never heard my lived experience be summarised so perfectly and succinctly. “YOU WIND UP FEELING AS IF YOU’VE BEEN ERASED FROM THE INSIDE OUT.” 😮😮
The emotional neglect aspect has been "neglected" 😉 in the narc abuse conversations. Thanks for bringing it up. It can be even worse than overt abuse because it is invisible.
I absolutely agree! And it is my life story. The neglect part of this abuse is rarely touched upon and it’s difficult to find voices who sound like mine with this type of experience. Thank you for your comment. I wish there was someplace for those who know this part of the abuse to go and connect.
@@Enemymind1973 There's a woman on TH-cam, Dr. Jonice Webb, who specializes in CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) which you may be interested in watching. Good luck to you. ❤🩹
As a child I was always "too emotional" and shamed for being different by my parents and brother especially. He would berate, hit, and call me ugly etc and I would get in trouble for getting upset or crying and being too loud. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my parents, and still is not for my dad. Everything I do is looked at in a negative light, and my brother is seen as the golden child because he lives a mainstream lifestyle. I am judged very harshly and always expected to fail and mess up. It is just not hitting me at 35 that this is what I dealt with as I have had to move back in w my dad when I moved states. He is so kind and giving to everyone, but he yells, judges, and insults me and I can never live up to his expectations. It is not consistent either, as sometimes he chooses to be nice as long as I " act in line". I change who I am to avoid issues. Thankfully I have started to move past caring what he thinks of me and focusing on knowing the truth that I am awesome and successful as an artist and a forest school teacher. But this video now is putting together the pieces as to why my nervous system is so unregulated and always triggered. I can never truly relax, my brain or body. This felt good to vent even if nobody ever reads this.
So did I - and it sucks shit people, especially your dad treat you this way, if someone video record it and play it back to him, would he see then? My mother is the same as your dad - a narcissist- I’m the scapegoat - my older sister is the golden child. Now try and find the road to recovery - good luck bro - find God he’s very merciful 23:17
Relatable almost 1 on 1. My father treats me the same way. I'm 47 now and I walked away in 2015. 35 beautiful age. Wishing you a bright free future They take out their jealousy on you. Your father is probably frustrated and you are young full of potential. They don't like to see you blossom but you are and will and find way and achieve what YOU want.😊❤
I read it and I heard you loud and clear! I hope you can get away from him soon. It’s nice to be able to relate to so many people. I just found out what was happening to me a trauma response called freezing which led to clutter all from narc abuse I had no idea.
I lived for 26 YEARS with my EX-Husband who was his #1 trait !!! I did try harder and harder but it did no good. The target moved each time. If he did not love me, why did he stay married for so long? He was also angry all of the time. So anger combined with neglect over a long, long period of time which was difficult.
Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths leave you feeling sad, angry, anxious, give you headaches, making you question everything, putting us through hell, feeling worthless or not good enough, depressed, having trauma, neglect you of your wants and needs, everything is one sided with them.
I was with a covert narcissistic person in a relationship. Weird thing I have encountered is I was always hungry looking for food….. like being empty all the time. Extremely draining
When I allowed my emotions to overpower me, I unfortunately experienced reactive abuse. This situation led me to question whether I was the one displaying narcissistic behavior, given that I grew up in a toxic family where everyone in my household exhibited such traits. Moreover, being in a toxic relationship with my spouse has only exacerbated these issues. However, I have come to the realization that it is my environment that is toxic, and it is causing me to react in harmful ways. As a solution, I have found great value in practicing indifference and engaging in breath work. These practices have proven to be impactful and helpful during this phase of my life, as I strive to determine the best path forward for myself.
I also remember wanting more affection as a child and I would cling onto her leg, act like a cat under the table by her legs, or I would ask to sit on her lap, and she would let me for like 5 min then tell me I had to get down cause I had a bony butt, she called me bony butt. I never questioned this until now
Imagine your mother not only withholding affection, empathy and communication but her constantly absent through her almost dying a dozen times during childhood. Imagine being alone with her and seeing her on the couch in a coma and being 9 yrs old and calling for help and the next time you see her she is on life support with machines and no one tells you anything but your told to hold her hand, seeing your brother hold her other hand and he's crying then watching her choke on the tube and being rushed out thinking she's dying and then going to your Aunts going to bed and no one says anything, watching them tuck in their kids and give their kids affection but none to you then getting on a school bus knowing no one. I can understand now why I developed trichotillomania, that is a lot of abandonment.
My heart aches for you 😔. My Mother was a stay at home Mom but was too busy to give anytime to her 5 children. It was like we were born to work for her and anyone else who needed help we were sent to some pretty crazy places but it was all in the name of Jesus whom I believe in with my whole Heart. I was the only girl and I wanted a mommy so bad I use to pray that she would one day be a Mom to do hair to do polish even maybe a tea party something anything I wanted a Mom so bad. She admitted one time after I had 3 little ones of my own that she never bonded with me? Oh well then there was the reason. I'm fine really I'm fine 😂
I learned that covert narcs are EXTREMELY envious and jealous individuals and this envy is a significant motive behind their behavior. Their envy doesn't distinguish strangers from their own child sadly... they don't want their child to do better OR worse than them because either cases would make them look bad... this is why narcs are impossible to please.
Very true. This has been my experience. There is a toxic resentment always that is just below the surface. When you're a child you don't see it but as an adult, you begin to see the signs...the nasty comment that comes out, the emotional withdrawal when you do something they didn't like, etc.
Co workers and neighbors and pets are easy to be kind to because they don’t get too close. Family gets too close. They might hurt you. One of the tasks of growing up is to learn to be vulnerable. Another task is to learn to recognize and defend against abuse
My father would hurt me and bully me so much when i had a strong reaction crying/arguing back they would video my reaction and tell me I was a psychopath and they were showing the police
Dad sexually abused me, shamed me, threatened me, told me not to tell anyone, that I could not say "no". I was 12 1/2. He blamed me for all of it, he won't take any blame to this day, I am 60 now, he is beyond pathetically immature! Any time I complained, he blamed me. The sick s.o.b.!
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com .
A book that really helped me heal was a mindfulness meditation book called "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels. It's so important to change the perspective of our "selves." Everyone is worthy of a peaceful life and tranquil mind.
My mother is a covert narcissist and the older she gets and the more she loses control the more toxic she gets. I have been no contact since the holidays last year.
Spot on 💙 the older she gets the more toxic she is damn she is taking all that on me it's time to escape now she is trying to humiliate me infront of others😂 I'm like go and tell but anyways it's time to escape i guess 😃 thankyou for sharing this
There is a poem by Mary Oliver called The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life that you could save.
My mother behaved exactly like that. The information about narcisistic abuse saved me. Haven't spoke to my family for 10 years, don't regret ONE BIT. For those strugling with the decision to go full grey rock, yes... it's a hard decision, but also the decisive one. It's sad we have to get to this point, but I guess we can't have everything.
You’re absolutely right. It is a decision I made in 2021 and it is a decision I do NOT regret. I’d even go further and say had I not made this decision I would have likely taken my own life at some point (in fact, my 30 year old son was telling me to do so because nobody loved me anyway, and all the while my mother is sitting on the couch, silent, with a tiny little upward lip curl that I absolutely know means she is pleased). To make it out, thus far, and remain living is still a surprise to me.
@@Enemymind1973 Yes, the lack of perspective is huge when we're sharing the same environment as them, I also couldn't see much future for me in that condition. Basically, the choice was grey rock or death. From my 20 to 30 years I was more like a zombie than a person, and they always accepted this idea/behavior very well, too well in fact.
Same here, away from my family but I only have 1 safe friend so it feels so strange on this planet. I had mainly dominant ppl in life who would not care in return and leaving or ignoring off and on .narcissists attract then reject
You're the first person I found that is intelligent educated comes from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and is able to explain it in the most simple and direct delivery I really appreciate your videos I'm so glad I found you
Find Dr. Ramani, she's an expert, the expert. My mother was a neglectful covert mother, a gas lighter and all round nightmare from hell. Dr. Ramani saved my life.
More than that, this woman is very compassionate, & humble. She has a very calming presence!! Dr. Ramani is great, but she is a little bullish. Kinda like a female Jordan Peterson. 😂
I don't care for Dr Ramani myself... After watching many different videos on narcissists from her and others, I find she repeats herself alot, not really giving any new information for real life and I can't relate to her style for me anyway....
My mom is emotionally unavailable. I remember my dad telling me to "not give her such a hard time," because "she is a good mother to you." If only he actually knew! He passed away about a decade ago, thinking his family didnt need him and that he was a burden. She makes me feel like a burden, too. Some people just dont want actual connection. Some people spend all their energy micromanaging everything around them to the point where they do not have the capacity to actually see others as they are. It is baffling to me, every time, how much more difficult they *want* their lives to be. It has recently been challenging for me to have faith that there are people who legitimately want connection out there. Each time I have dated someone, they have taken advantage of my good qualities. It is defeating, I feel like i have to hide the best parts of myself from the public, to not be targeted again.
Neglect. I tired of my x-husband never wanting to DO for me or WITH me. So many situations/behaviors of unkindness. Gaslighting. Always taking over the conversation with stories that he already told me - over & over. I feel as if I was never heard, cared for, shared with ~ and I never heard the pronouns US/WE/OUR. Whittled down from narcissistic personality. Began watching your vlogs a few years ago. Thank You Michele. All Good Wishes.
My wife has been severely emotionally neglecting me our entire marriage. She refuses to validate my feelings, mirror me in any way to provide empathy or validation, and has even said exactly what you did about me having a problem because I’m showing emotion. She shamed me multiple times for showing emotion so I shut down my emotions. The toxicity is literally killing me. I’m stuck in a marriage which has caused me so much harm. This was my mother also, you describe her perfectly. I never got any of my emotional needs met as a child just as you describe. She neglected my emotional needs.
Yes, growing up with a narc mom, her mood would dictate mine. I couldnt be happy if she was upset. Then, as I began to find healthy relationships as an adult, it was eye-opening to see my partner remain in a good mood when I was not. But i quickly realized that they had every right to feel something seperate from me. I realized how over enmeshed I was.
I don't know why this channel doesn't have more subscribers and millions of views ~ but I believe it is being done deliberately by TH-cam. This content is the most accurate and helpful Ive seen and I watch all the big ones here on youtube. Don't give up Michele, your videos are helping thousands. I have gained much insight and wisdom from your take on the subject. Thank you.
You are one of the few that gets it. Keep doing what you are doing. Been dealing with this for 20 years. You are expressing it exactly like my relationship. Sometimes I wish it was physically abusive than dealing with this. Physical abuse is seen, emotional and mental abuse is not.
As a child I was told I would kick even if both legs were cut off. My thoughts and opinions were always invalidated. My emotions were mocked by my father, laughed at by my brothers, and dismissed by my mother. 😢 This talk really resonates with me.
I send hope that you find a safe space for all your emotions to be heard and seen such as Michele’s group or Ana Runkel’s group or a trauma counselor. ☮️
I was raised by a malignant and covert narcissist. Both parents. Silent treatment lasted for weeks, extending over a month when I was a teenager and starting to fight back. This video defines my childhood exactly.
I have a cousin who has always been very harsh and emotionally cruel to me. My mother knows it but every now and then she makes comments like "Oh, I don't have any problem with this cousin" and "this other person absolutely loves this cousin" etc. I remember each time thinking, "why is she even saying this to me. She knows how much this cousin has hurt me. Is she insinuating that I am the one who is wrong for how I feel." I am bawling right now because I did not even realize that this is in fact a form of abuse, narcissistic neglect. Historically my mother has also been guilty of comparing me to others, especially my friends. Eventually it felt more comfortable not having friends... less people in my life the people there are for her to compare me to. I can hardly believe how much damage I am still healing from, damage caused by my own mother.
Every time I visit my mother, she will at some point stop talking to me and have her face buried in her tablet or television, total ignoring. It's a covert narcs way of trying to make you feel worthless. Glad i'm above it ~ at least my conscious mind is. Years ago she would yell and scream all the time ( narc rage ) now, she has a new set of games to feel like shes in control.
Try taking out your own phone when she does this - then sit in happy silence for a while, then stir and say sweetly (in a low tone so as not to ‘disturb her) that you have to go …
When you talk about this it is very real. I want isolation all the time. I push everyone away from me because of living with a narcissist for so long. What you are saying is exactly how I feel. Thank you.
I’m not sure if isolation is necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been in an isolation phase for a few years and am actually feeling it’s necessary. After decades of various forms of abuse including the one mentioned here, and the need to heal and alter my lifestyle completely, honestly it feels like I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m discovering a whole new person with completely different outlook, needs and preferences. It’s pretty amazing, this whole new person who was hidden underneath layers and layers of crap that others always expected me to be. I’m not that and this new person is interested in being healthy, whole and valued. Total opposite of fifty years previous. It can take time.
@@cloudmountaindog8537same!!! I am out of reach from the vacuumers and live alone with my cat, my garden, the birds, the sun , ..and I am rediscovering :
You’re not old, healing childhood wounds is not so complicated or takes that long with an integrative therapist, take your life back! Your life is precious, don’t neglect yourself because others did.
Don't loose hope. Most of the people who realise the effects of CPTSD from narcissitic abuse has had on them do so once they reach middle age...so dont feel you are alone...second healing is difficult and long journey for few but always possible with help of therapist and internet these days through self work... but once u r healed life will be different. I am 41 and it was only at age 38 I realised my mother was abusive narcissitic parent. I myself had few narcissitic traits which I had picked because of being raised by one...trying to work on them ...also I have been attracted to partners and friends who display narc traits to some extent. Good thing is now I can detect it to some extent and have built strong boundaries. I wish you hope love and healing on this journey...may u come our brighter and shining ❤
Yes, I am being erased from the inside out. Thank you, thank you for explaining his gradual, subtle erosion of the confident woman he met. Everyone else around him receives appreciation but I, who's tried so hard to support him, receive no validation or appreciation at all. He even said he didn't need to give me compliments anymore as it was 'for teenagers'! Then stated that he gave others appreciation and compliments because he needed them. When I asked him if he had a nice thing to say about me anymore, he looked me up and down from head to toe and said " You have a nice nose"!! He withholds physical love and claims he has no interest in it, whilst admiring other much younger women. It's designed to erode all my self worth. Now he is trying to persuade me that no other man will ever want me so that I will stay and be compliant with his abuse.
You don't deserve that sort of treatment...that non-love! Please try to quietly plan your escape...and then never look back. He is only one person...his opinion does not define you...there's a big wide World out there..filled with people who would probably think you're great...he wants to drain you of you, and fill you with him. You are worthy.
I felt every point in this list. I was alone in my marriage for years. I didn't know what companionship felt like. I felt like suppressing myself was a gift I wanted to give my wife. I acted on my belief that I didn't matter but she did. I didn't want to bother her with any need I had but I was always looking for all of hers. For years, every fight revolved around how I was failing to meet one of her needs. It baffled me because I paid so much attention on her needs and she was denying me the acknowledgement that I was trying. 26 years I let her define what was important and buried myself because needing anything was an inconvenience to her. ThanQ for shining a spotlight on this aspect of the CoNarc's abuse. I didn't even realize to what extent it was damaging me until watching this video.
YOU decided that suppression was a gift that YOU wanted to give. YOU let her define what was important. She was probably wanting you to grow up stand up and be the MAN of the home that you were created to be. 🌞
@@brendarewan7441 This doesn't read like a helpful comment to someone who said none of his needs were met in a 26 year marriage. Bit strange that you disbelieve him and undermine his shared experience.
@brendarewan7441 I'm guessing you have no understanding of gaslighting. When I say "I wanted to give...." read here, I was convinced I should want to...if I was a real man.
All my conversations and emotions were shut down by conversation hijacking. It got so bad that I couldn’t finish a single sentence. He has to outdo every emotion thought out idea. He would actually repeat my ideas back to me right after I would say it, as if he had just come up with it himself. I almost became non existent in this relationship.
Oh I so relate. He talks about himself from morning till night. He doesn't hear me and if he does, twists it around so it's about him. I am completely non-existent. I only exist to do things for him and do the things he won't do or take care of. Thank God I have an eternity with Jesus to look forward to.
That is my mother! Incapable of listening and she’s a conversation bully. We could never go to her as children because she never listened. So sad for a child to have no one to confide in.
@@eden7440Start doing things for you. Do things that make you happy. They're never going to do what you want to do unless there's an audience. They care what others think. It's not because they're trying to make you happy. They just want others to think they're a good guy/girl. It's all for show.
Thank you for explaining this. Many people talk about narcissism but they don't talk about these confusing 'crimes of omission'. Very insightful and healing. Thank you
My father said when my sister was born, on my first birthday, that my mother would push me away with her foot. He scolded her and said "taught me to read to compensate". I excelled in school. My 2 siblings enjoyed their preferred status and played power games. "Mom, .....'s arm is touching mine", when 3 kids riding in back seat of the car. I was always braced for being scolded. At 80 years old the same attitude w/ sibs has been continued long past mother's passing. Your video is helpful and encouraging and can now understand my conflicting feelings. Thank you.
My father was the Narcissist and I the 1st born. I'm 65 and just learning why My life was So hard and why I was never happy, blamed for things I never did. Why I was treated like 2nd hand news. I'm completely alone, isolated. No one calls, no one comes or even cares.. My sister turned my son against me while I was helping my brother basically die. When she dropped dead 8-30-22 , 5:00 AM Heart attack. My son doesn't talk to me for going on 4 years, destroyed my credit , I trust No one and it's damn lonely. Thank GOD for my Cats.
I was raised by a narcissist, married a narcissist and I raised a narcissist. My relationship with SIL of 30+ years has ended for me. I have the right to feel healthy and happy also. Thank you 🕊❤️
This is so true..... Emotional neglect is very damaging. I have experienced myself as my parents were not for me and with me ever...but I am healed now. Now I can see covert abuser quickly and save myself.
Realizing the other person could be mad and rage and it had nothing to do with me, was huge for me. It sounds so simple, but if you don't even know you are doing it and that it's not normal it is hard to overcome.
So helpful, I could never say I had overt 'abuse', but can definitely say I had emotional neglect that reaches the level of abuse. It's insidious and very hard to identify, yet we end up feeling so much pain and emptiness. Thank you!
*jaw drop* My mom does that all the time, tells me about how amazing my brothers are and just not say anything to/about me! I called her out on it *once*- I’m sure you can imagine the reaction I got. I’ve been starting to get an inkling that the two narcissistic romantic relationships I’ve had might have their roots in my family of origin. Cause you know, the abuse is just so familiar. The worst is I am now a single mom of 3 that are 3 and under and my mom is my main support. I listened to her tell my 3-yo daughter the other day that my little girl would have to change my mom’s diapers when she got old, that’s why she was changing so many of hers, and she’d better remember that. The thing I’ve noticed about coverts, and most people in general, is they love having toddlers around because they give a lot of enthusiasm for very little effort. They’re relatively easy to feed off of and manipulate.
Oh man this is so true!!! My mom is that way too with loving to be around younger ones and hearing what she says to them and gets away with it, manipulating and nudging them, oiy it's a terrible thing to witness. I've since limited any contact with her and my kids and then ultimately had to go no contact for our own collective sanity & safety.
You are so correct in everything you have said. The emotional damage covert grandmothers inflict on toddlers and school-age children warps their emotional reactions and ability to find normal emotion adults to partner with in future, grown-up relationships.
😳it’s so true! Young children need and worship adults who offer engagement and any kind of attention without the emotional demands of reciprocity or feedback. My narcissistic grandmother, both parents were this way and now my adult siblings are completely neglectful and devalue adult relationships but fawn and obsess over children. I always wondered why I was the cats meow as a small child and neglected discarded once I got older. It was so hurtful and confusing. To this day my adult siblings think they’re wonderful for having little kids look up to them. I get a sick feeling witnessing this weird behavior but I can’t say anything as I would seem strange to anyone for noticing this covert pattern as not being as wonderful as they see themselves for engaging in encouraging the children to worship them. Narcissistic supply.
Huh. I’ve been questioning and doubting that I’ve been narcissistically abused because it didn’t match up with Overt and it slightly matched up with covert. This is pretty spot on. And it’s so hard to prove it to other people.
Omg! I am soooo glad you made this! I have been so lost and confused and ALONE because no one understands this kind of abuse! They kill your without getting their hands dirty whatsoever…my ex was so “good” at this that he rarely even called me names or overtly was rude… And you said crimes by omission…so spot on! I used to tell ppl he’s abusing me by “non” actions and they just looked so confused and yea, exactly like it “wasn’t that bad” or that the problem was me over reacting or imagining things 🙄 and still to this day I have received no validation from anyone that I was abused and that he destroyed me! They don’t see it! And I’m not the same person! But it’s like he swapped places with me and stole everything from me, including myself and personality…and I’ve been a wreck so of course now it looks even more like “it was me” …I am so resentful and hate him! I know this isn’t healthy but it’s so hard when the world also further perpetuates all of these things when they just don’t see what happened! It feels like a secondary abuse of sorts, even though innocent…I often felt like I wish he beat the crap out of me! So at the very least I can get support and understanding when I left!
I get what you're saying. It's that they silently steal part of your soul than happily move on. I never got validated either but 30 years later I'm learning that self validation is what is most important to me. Lots of learning, never ending. You can get you back. Wish you the best of luck. Happiness and joy are our birthright.
While I totally understand the additional pain and frustration over people not understanding, the way I learned to deal with it for myself is to simply be thankful that they don’t understand because they haven’t had to survive it themselves, since no one can truly understand unless they have been there, but no one should ever have to live thru this kind of soul murder! It’s hard not having the support and understanding, but I’m sincerely glad that they can’t know and understand what it’s like to live in it! I don’t know if that will help anyone else, but it has helped me to change my expectations and adjust my perception of the way I have been treated!
Wow, this all resonates with me so much. I’m just a shell of who I used to be. I’ve been with my narc for 21 years… since I was 15 years old. This summer has been one of the worst (well not really because he makes sure all of my summers are shit) I have two kids, 10 more years until my youngest is 18. I don’t know if I’ll make it that long. My mom passed away when I was 15 my dad in 2020 and my big sister in 2021. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I need help 😞 thank you for your videos, when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope I listen and it reminds me that I’m not this horrible/lazy person that can’t do anything right. I just want to be happy
Please talk to your doctor about it and ask for counselling. You can break the cycle and be happy instead of wasting another 10 years of your precious life. If your doctor or counsellor is not listening then get another (female) doctor. Your children will be messed up if you keep taking the abuse as it will be their normal and acceptable. Good luck - just take the first step. ❤️🇨🇦
Think of your children. Definitely think of yourself but I think for most of us the kids keep us going. You need to be strong for them. I always think 'how would I feel if my children were treated this way' I would not like it so why am I accepting it.
Please get out of that living situation! You *don’t* have to stay in it for your kids’ sake. It would be better for them if y’all got out of it. The abuse/neglect you experience affects them too. Kids learn what relationships look like from watching their parents. What have they been seeing/learning? Is that what you really want for them?
@@itsjust_Q I bet you have alternatives that you haven’t seen yet. Like the first commenter replied to you, talk to your doctor. I bet there are resources for you. Investigate shelters for battered women who are fleeing their abusers, for example. You are stronger than you know! 🙏 A day will come when you decide you’ve had enough, that you won’t put up with it any more, and you’ll get out. You CAN get out! I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and stayed for so long in it because I didn’t see how I could get out. One day, something snapped in me, and I’d had enough. People helped me and rooted for me! I didn’t have any family close by either. The same will happen for you! 🙏 Quit arguing for your limitations! You are stronger than you know!
This helped me recognize that if I tried to draw boundaries with my parents, I was told I couldn't set that boundary, because they were the parents and they made the rules, and/or because XYZ logical reason. I don't remember how they talked to me exactly, I don't know if they said anything like that outright, it was just coded in to my understanding of how the world worked. If they decided what I wanted for myself wasn't within what they wanted for me, I was told it wasn't an option, and if I tried pursuing it further I was punished. They probably, to this day, still sincerely believe they were trying to set me up with discipline and firm boundaries (on their end exclusively) to be able to be successful. But I never learned I was allowed to stand up for myself or be my own person.
Which sets us up for lifetime of being unable to stand up for ourselves! This gas been a real problem when I need to be firm with my Drs, but can't do it. My health has suffered greatly for 30yrs cuz' no one to speak up for me & when I try, they do not listen. The only good thing is that I will soon be free from this so-called life. And will leave Narci husband of almost 40yrs behind!
omg the opening analogy is very similar to how i describe living with my toxic families. to me, it feels like im living in one of those old homes with arsenic green wallpaper and it's slowly poisoning me. holy shit ive never felt so seen so immediately.
It’s not just our upbringing or parents or family that teaches not to convey emotions or how we feel, but society teaches us this as well, and most in particular, our family justice system. Emotions are seen as bad and erratic or almost unstable if you are expressing hurt, or facing false accusations in which a narcissist is playing the victim, and therefore has already taken that role, so you must be portrayed as the abuser, when actually it is the narcissist that provokes and intentional triggers a negative reaction from you, which is referred to as reactional abuse by the Narc. The problem is that all narcissists play the role of victim, and they convince themselves that they are, as well as gaslight themselves to believe their own lies and false portrayals of you with her likely due to a delusional mentality as well as believing and validating their own preconceived assumptions about the spouse or significant other they are portraying negatively. And since one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist is to never admit to any wrongdoing or absorb any guilt, shame or blame within for what they do, they will project their negative behavior toward the person they are abusing or accusing falsely. So whenever a narcissist is behaving badly or doing something highly inappropriate, their primary targeted source of supply will likely receive repercussions or devalued for that in some way. In other words, the narcissist will project negativity and hatred toward you for the things that they do wrong. And if you find out they are cheating on you then they will never forgive you for it, and it will be your fault. These are very disordered and mentally sick people. And once the mask comes off, they rarely feel the need to ever have to put it back on around you. But by this time, they’ve already convinced themselves that they are a victim, so they are justified in their mind to portray you or accuse you of anytime they feel threatened or questioned about a wrong they committed. They are allowed to portray you negatively, but you are not allowed to do the same in return to them. The the one important thing to remember for those who were targeted by a narcissist, and got trauma, bonded or stuck in that relationship is to not allow yourself to feel like a victim continuously. Yes, you were very wronged and falsely accused and treated like shit and neglected or abused in someway shape or form but if you develop a victim mentality, then you also risk becoming like or similar to the narcissist themselves. PTSD symptoms can bring forth characteristics that are very closely similar to Characteristics of a Narcissist. Remember, all Narcs will portray themselves a victim in the relationship. You will always be at fault and always viewed as the one to blame. It doesn’t matter if you were falsely accused, or they made a mountain out of a mole hill, in regard to pointing toward one of your mistakes or wrongs, which we as humans all make at times, and when we have been faced with some severe complex PTSD, from the result of trauma, we become hyper vigilant, as well as defensive and indignant, during moments of experiencing those triggers of negative traumatic events/ reminders when with the narcissist. There are so many sometimes and this can cause you to ruminate as well experience, a heightened sense of cognitive dissonance as well as the fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses. Which all four can be experienced at different times but usually there is one or two of these responses that you tend to adopt.
Michael, thankyou for taking the time to provide some really interesting insight. Recognising this whole narcissistic personality behaviour is relatively new to me. I am now aware that I was married to a covert narcissist for 18 years and finally understand what was wrong with the marriage. Now, at the age of 72 and having lost everything, my adult daughter who lives with me is showing overt narcissistic personality disorder. I have lived a good life with a positive disposition, and a caring heart, willing to help family and friends in need. Sadly now, I am unwell and have lost the joy I always had. My advice is to remove yourself from the person who hates you so much that their purpose is to destroy your heart, mind and very soul! On the positive side, my faith in God (and myself) is stronger than ever🌱💗🙏🕊🙏
I think this is a very well said and deeply insightful summation of the way you will always be perceived in relation to a narcissist - always to blame for any mistakes or bad behaviors of your own, but also for all of theirs, too! They have an affair, but you cheated on them! It’s pure insanity, and even more insane when the rest of the world believes their narrative, so it’s little wonder that we all end up feeling like we’re completely crazy and are constantly questioning both our sanity and our experience with the narcissist! Add to this the bold and brazen ways that they tend to abuse us - at least for me, even after years of similar, it never fails to completely blow my mind the things that he’s capable of doing to me and others to get what he wants, to the point where my mind will insist that I must be mistaken because I can’t understand that someone would ever treat others that way! - it’s a miracle that we can escape or heal at all! Most people could never really comprehend the horrors that have been our daily existence during that relationship, and I pray for their sake, they never have the opportunity to learn firsthand! ❤️
Hits me between the eyes. Been in a covert narcissist relationship for about 34 years now. Just beginning the recovery in the last 5 years. This is just one more huge part of the puzzle in getting my life back. Thank you so much for the insight.
Another thing they love to do to you is take what you like and try to knock it in some way~ I told my mother about a new car detailing channel here on youtube with this young girl who just got started~ Her first response was " Her teeth look a little crooked, look , there's something wrong with her teeth do you see it? " This was said for one reason - Let me try and tarnish and wreck the thing that I know you like so that I can get you to not like it also. There really sick sick people with such a sad need for control. It's as if there in a permanent state of JEALOUSLY, FRUSTRATION, and CONTEMPT. Definitely DATA Gatherer's~here you are trying to make conversation with them, and all there doing is trying to take in all the info so that they can use it against you.
They will then turn around and tell other people that they found it and steal the ideas and own it. Or if you say you like something that they told you about that have to continually remind you that they introduced you to it, like you are indebted. I was separated from my ex Narc last year and we were driving back from an event late and a song that we both love came on and I started to sing along and he put his hand on my leg and asked me to stop singing along because no one could sing it like the artist…after the song was over he added, “besides, I introduced you to that song.” As if it gave him ownership because he played it for me a week or two before it was all over the radio. 😮
My sister is the same way. If she does something for you , she will remind you that ( SHE ) did it. Again, this all goes back to that insecure little child that's trapped in all of them that didn't get enough recognition from mom or dad. I don't think people truly know how much contempt they have for others, they really are mean nasty little thugs inside.Ahhh, it is what it is~life goes on. I believe in Karma, I study the readings of Edgar Cayce~that's what helps me deal with it all ~knowing that they WILL MEET there karma one day.Thanks for the reply~take care@@Daybreak70
Im lucky i had my grandmother in my life. I spent the 1st yr of my life with her and every summer from like 7 to 16 yrs old. She was very empathetic. She never withheld or gave silent treatments. She was very funny, warm, kind and friendly. She did have a hard time giving affection. Only gave affection when coming or going for long periods. But she told me why before she died. She gave me the biggest hug and she said she was sorry for not being more affectionate but that she didnt recieve much affection as a child. My grandfather was a narcissist though and he constantly gave silent treatments to everyone in the family. And he wasnt the worst to my grandmother but he called her a derogatove nickname. He use to call her fat ass and he did it so much that no one thought twice about it. When he died she lost a ton of weight.
The numbness and drifting through life. I've been in this state for the last 2 years. Even when I've separated from him, it persisted and I felt I had no direction in life. We are back together and I still feel this way. I get afraid that I'm stuck like this.
Same! Divorced for 3 plus years now and I feel worse than when I stayed…I can see why you went back,..but this is part of the abuse and the cycle! It always gets worse! And the pain will be worse leaving again! I know, I married this same man twice…I looked back and was sooo angry I went back! I thought it was bad but then the second time it was like the death blow, the nail in the coffin for my life, my emotions my soul! 🫶 I wish you the best! But I know this feeling! They kill you without getting their hands dirty whatsoever!
Michele, THANK YOU for these videos! I have been struggling with CPTSD for fifty years! Six therapists and 22 drugs didn't help me. Your info is spot on! I am slowly beginning to heal.
Michele, you're extraordinary. TRULY extraordinary. Your voice, your mind, your character, your personality, your physique, everything. I love everything about you. You have helped me in so many ways, and I truly and seriously appreciate you for it. Please keep up the grand work. You are one of the most important people in this world 🤦🏾♂️🌎💚❤️💎🙌🏾💯
Thank you for talking about this. My mother showed me no verbal or physical affection. She made no real secret of the fact that she was disappointed in me for reasons I had no control over... physical weaknesses, illness, medical costs and several aspects of my physical appearance, not deformed or handicapped, but disappointingly not what she hoped for. Because she said things that revealed her feelings, I had an extremely confusing emotional dilemma, believing that my mother could not help her feelings, and that I was just ugly. I still can't get over these feelings. The only time I tried to address it by telling her that her constant comments about my appearance and her lack of affection and validation, she had hurt me deeply. She totally turned this around snd said that by telling her this I had hurt her. She was crying snd never acknowledged or apologised for all her insulting comments through my life. I stopped trying to win her acceptance by being an overachiever and continually bending over backwards to do nice things, making elaborate cards, writing letters, and buying her special gifts, which she had never done for me. She had expended very little emotional or thoughtful attention to do things that would have been special to me. I finally stopped writing letters to her late in my 50s. She died in her late 80s and since then my brother who never bothered to keep in touch also blamed me for personal choices in my life, saying I had broken her heart by making personal choices about religion, etc. I was always trying my best to be a good person and had never done anything to bring actual shame on my family. I had done well in education and career. I still don't know how to deal with the confusion of the feelings I had since early childhood. I have had several relationships with narcissists since then. I have had a lot of therapy in the past. The only thing that arises when I try to deal with this, is a sense of helplessness that I am honestly a good and worthwhile and loveable person, but have never been really desired or loved for who I am.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
I have read it all. This is my story. Two years with one person. Started with super duper humble, shy, soft, big smile and shiny eyes, very attentive. A „man of God“ who went to the monastery. After his first rage a couple of months later when I realized that something is off and started to protect myself - the first rage. Like an evil. His face was dead and his eyes went black. I had goosebumps. Never saw something like that. I asked him to go. His hoover was: Getting a job where he was caring for a lady who had cancer. She was sick in bed and couldn’t do anything by herself. He cared for her to prove to me, that he is a good person. He even said: „As if a man with bad intentions would do a job like this.“ Apologized for everything and it worked. I gave him another chance. (He stopped caring for the lady 😅) A couple of months later again it ended with multiple rages, cheating and physical abuse after I found out and confronted him with that. He also said of course, it’s my fault 🙈 I can’t believe this is my story. Never ever I could have imagined something like that would happen to me / or is even possible. I always said: I met an Angel and the evil - both as it’s finest - in one person during two years.
This is me with my daughters father. I live in fight or flight and loneliness simultaneously every single day and I feel invisible and have become so stressed lately it feels like I’m having a heart attack some days. It sucks and I’m trapped. Thank you for making this video which is so validating to what I’m going thru right now. I have literally told him I am dying inside from lack of love and attention and nothing changes. I honestly don’t think there is help for people that do this to others.
To: @sarab4524 Can you get professional counseling?? Someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse? He may not change but, YOU need the change!! Away from him!!! Never be stuck!! There is help out there?? Even through your county!! GET HELP!!!
Ifeel for you I am in the same situation. 37 years but have chronic lyme disease and now longhauler covid I would have been out Now I have to pay everything and I am half in a wheelchair he gives me n othing I wish you all the best you need to work on getting yourself out time goes too quickly get your life back! create a new you
I lived with a covert narc. For 54 years. He died. Retrospectively ... I was a child of a manic depressant/covert narcissistic/nurse for others (7) step-fathers (sexually abusive from 3)... who didn't hear me or see me. I married the same kind of person. Now I'm trying to recover. Start therapy (@ 75) on Monday. 😢Ugh. I feel like I have no future for normal love. I have 2 beautiful daughters from this relationship. Both are dealing with issues from their dads personality, & one is like her dad ... the other married a man like her dad. 😢😢😢
I have so much to say about this but have no words. It's hard to talk about the Narc Mom and Alcoholic Step-dad. Feelings of guilt and shame just to breathe and exist. I hope you do more on this. Ty
There was a psychologist who said that he had had many patients, who never had been hit. I guess your theme here explains what could have happened to them.
I think my mother came up with a term for emotional neglect in which she, apparently, knew she was guilty of while raising her four children. She called it "benign neglect" because she determined that her emotional neglect didn't really cause us any real harm. Between the four of us siblings there were two teenage pregnancies, a runaway, substance abuse, clinical depression and more. No real harm there, right?
BENIGN??? Wow, what a way to excuse your own deplorable treatment of your kids. Give it a fancy name, shape it into a ‘no big deal’ situation, then blame the shit outta the kid who dares to point to it as a possible contributor to the whole big ass mess. I’m sorry. None of what you have experienced is benign, all things connect to all things, and all things matter.
I identified with the majority of your characteristics of the narcissistic abuse. I was happy and bubbly when I married my husband. Things were good At first, then the older he got the worse the narcissist behavior. I left at the 25 year mark I was suicidally depressed. I wish I had known about this type of person years ago. Thanks for your thoughtful and well presented video!
My soon to be ex kept dismissing my feelings of being bullied by his mother. He also only gave me partial truth if things. I always wondered where I stood with him. It’s destroyed me.
He gives everything to his friends, no compassion comes my way. His admiration to all his new inspiring friends...its all so twisted. I have a chronic neurological illness and depend on him but have to fend for myself.
This this this. When I nearly died in hospital and begged her to be more supportive, all I got (new job for her) was “you say that but someone at work said yesterday how supportive I am and I just burst into tears.” This was with her abandoning me in hospital, not visiting, not asking how I was, not keeping any sort of eye on major tests. And then told I was a d**k and a narcissist. Sigh.
It’s all about you Jo. We don’t or no one wants to be involved in your drama. This is how my own mother and sister shame me into silence. The hardest part to me I trying not to defend myself or explain myself. That’s really hard to do because they lie to make themselves right which literally drives someone crazy. I was told that I was the narcissist and I scapegoat my family because of my bipolar disorder. I have to get to the place where I refuse to listen to there nonsense and remember that I’m not crazy and I know what happened. Now I tell them let’s take a lie detector test!
When I was young, before what Mom called our (her too ) nervous breakdown, I tried to get help. I told a priest I was being abused. He said no, it was neglect. I'm a third generation victim of narcissistic abuse. AT LEAST. DEFINITELY GENERAL TRAUMA has been passed down in our family, our DNA, our respective inability to properly share, care and bond. Good topic.
@@daisyviluck7932 , thank you so much! I am now very old and happily married to a gracious Christian man. Jesus saved the BEST for last! I do not deserve Jesus or my wonderful husband. Thank you for your prayers. I am trying to forgive the horrors that man inflicted.
I am listening to this for the 3rd time this morning. I don’t remember being hit as a child- I just realized I wasn’t ever hugged either. This resonates. When I was working I sometimes felt like I was living in a spacesuit, an avatar. It was later in life (46) the physical abuse started and the sexual abuse. You do get drawn into your past behavior. Had a psychotic break. Haven’t been the same.
Michelle, so much of this fits my mom and yet she took care of my basic needs: food, clothing, education, present on b'day/xmas. This makes me so guilty that I am complaining about not being hugged, told I'm important, sought out, etc. Is it possible I expected too much? I experience all the symptoms you listed.
Sweet soul, your mother provided you with the physical bare minimum. That was her responsibility as a parent. You are entirely valid for wanting affection from the human being that brought you into this world. Parents are supposed to provide unconditional love, support, nurture, guidance, and affection while taking care of your basic needs!! You do not expect too much. Your parents treatment of you is a direct reflection of what they see in themselves when they look in the mirror each morning. Give yourself permission to heal and to love yourself unconditionally. You are worthy of it. You matter, and you always mattered. I am so so so sorry that they convinced you otherwise. You deserve to heal and feel whole. Sending you an abundance of unconditional love and encouragement 🤍
Dude, Nancy, your mom was SUPPOSED to provide those things for you because she CHOSE to have you and in doing she took it upon herself to be responsible for those BASIC needs so do not fool yourself into thinking you are somehow being selfish because of a NEED to be NURTURED by your mother throughout your life. It is that very lack of nurturing that is the root of our belief that we are expecting too much when we say we were not treated as if we mattered. You are indeed expecting too much. Too much from YOURSELF. You are allowed to feel what you are feeling and to say out loud how you are feeling and to name that which contributes to how you are feeling. And be kind to yourself, because you absolutely are worth kindness!
YIKES! “trauma-informed or other similar designations are not regulated or overseen in any way-not even for social service, health and mental health agencies. Anyone can say they are trauma-informed.” I could not find this person listing her actual credentials on her website or ANYWHERE!
This ALL hits home big time. I'm about to change my life & start over yet AGAIN because I got stuck living with my narcissistic mother who has ALL these traits. My cat was literally my only friend & support, just crossed over & now I have nothing. So I'm making the decision to try & move out, & I have no idea how or what that looks like. I do love where I live & it's so sad that 1 person can completely destroy that. I'm sad about it, but if I'm going to have any future joy & a normal nervous system, I know I have to get out.
My mother just ignore my feelings and my bf acts as if they don't exist. It's your reading from my life's bio, it's spooky. Everything you mentioned about how we talk to ourselves, I've said all of it. I love being in my feelings because I'm the one who cares. I have started validating my emotions and this is whats causing so many problems. They both continue to act as if I'm not there. I'm 52 and just figuring things out. I am withdrawing from both of them.
You're the best. I didn't know I was dealing with emotional neglect, but you described my situation perfectly. Especially, ending up in one-sided relationships. I wish I could join yourr thrivers group.
I really like, that you are so calm, while talking about narcissism. Most videos about narcissism are so full of bitterness and even hate. But when I hear you calm voice, i just feel sad about what happened with me in the past, without all the bitterness. I can even feel a bit compassion for those wounded people, who need to exploit others emotions...
Michelle you are taking my language. I see now the neglect aspect reinforces the constant hurtful words. You were very perspective to see people with holes. It's very possible that my husband recognised that we were both broken children. Thank you for all that you do to help people 💖
This has been quite the journey learning about all of this. Narcissistic this narcissistic that has been thrown around a lot these last few years but, it's incredible how this behavior can be pinpointed. My ex is about 85% described by the 100s of shorts and videos I've viewed and it makes me feel better and more aware but also somewhat sad for the people affected by it. I was extremely heartbroken leaving that relationship but now it's made me keen on this behavior but more solid overall! Thank you!
OMG so shocking true! Thank you so much Michele for all this support and help to my healing journey.All those exercises and breathworks at Thrivers School of Transformation are pure gold to me.❤🙏💫
“The covert narcissist gives compassion to other people, they just don’t give it to you..” ..this hit me like a sledgehammer. Exactly what happened to me. I saw my ex talking so compassionately about friends and colleagues, like she was the most caring person in the world..but none of that extended in my direction. I thought it was me that was the problem somehow because of that..but a couple of times she literally said to me “I cannot consider your feelings” ..and when I was at rock bottom and asked for some support she told me “I can’t be that person for you.” Yet she always needed my support, and she seemingly wanted to help work colleagues. How does that even work? 🤷🏻♂️
That is So true of my ex-husband. For years he was always there for others but not there for me or our children. I didn't understand why he neglected us. I made excuses for him. Now that I am out of the 31-year marriage I can see it much more clearly. Also what you said about her saying to you she couldn't consider your feelings...so similar to my ex-husband. He looked me in the eye as I cried and said I know I should feel sorry for you but I feel nothing.
@@juanaatkins777 I am so sorry that you went through that. That last comment is heartbreaking..saying he felt nothing? That’s awful. Yeah, I sometimes wonder if their ‘compassion’ for others is just an act for the outside world to see, whereas those of us on the inside see a totally different side. I remember her even coming to tell me her friends’ problems so that I could give her advice and thoughts, that she could then extend to them as her own. It was like she had no empathy of her own, so she learnt what to say from me..
Thanks Elliot 🤗@@elliot9828 Videos like this one really help me to see clearly what was happening and comments like yours make me realise that I am not alone in experiencing these kinds of things.
An when they do give it to you. It's to use it against you other you to try an come back bc they don't have anyone else
Damn 😞
Another example of how the abuser twists the healthy behavior like setting boundaries would be…. You set a boundary and they overdramatize your boundary. “I feel unsafe when I’m in a car that moves sporadically or is going too fast, can you please drive more conservatively when I’m in the car.” And they respond to that with driving excessively slow, creating traffic and conflict with other drivers. This causes the person who expressed and set the boundary to feel shamed as if they were being too sensitive.
my stepfather did this when I was 16. coming into my room without knocking I corrected him asking that he knock and ever after he would knock long after I said come in several times. he later pushed himself on me
@melsfarmstand OMG. I feel so seen. I never thought I’d hear this from anyone else. I told him to slow down on a dark, rainy night on an unfamiliar road next to water and he drove the exact speed limit for a month!! Even driving 55 mph in the far left lane on the highway for almost 75 miles to the airport. (I thought we were going to get shot by someone with road rage.) When I asked him to please speed up so we wouldn’t miss our flight…
Yesssssssss!!! I had to say to someone (family member that should be protective) “I shouldn’t have to feel this unsafe riding in a car with you.” That was all. I finally found the thing that worked for me at the moment. But the next time I said this their response was, “sounds like a personal problem” 😂 🤷♀️ like not even a relevant answer. But I haven’t ridden in the car with them since, and I shut down all communication at that moment.
i have a story like this, except she drove so slow over bumpy gravel that i just about shit my pants in her car. i could have gotten out and walked faster but the poopsplosion about to happen meant i was just begging her to hurry up. we were less than 100meters away from home and she made it last a couple minutes... all because the shocks of her car were more important than me.
The exact thing that happened. He was driving very slow because he was on his phone. People having to go around him on the highway. So I said "can you hurry up. Go speed limit because you have a train of people behind you." He looked at me hit the gas all the way and started to weave in and out of lanes, dodging traffic at around 100mph, tail gating people and switching lanes last minute, acting like he was going to crash into the next car infront of us. He said "like this?!!"
I'm 72 years old and this is the first time I've heard anyone describe my emotions whilst growing up. VERY GOOD. ACCURATE. Well done young lady, you helped me very much today - I'm grateful to you. Thank you.
I’m 63 and know what you mean! The knowledge we would have benefited by was not there in the 60s and 70s!
Yes, same here .. figured it out when I was 58
Neglect is a form of abuse, not only in narcissistic abuse, but in general.
This is EXACTLY HOW AND WHAT MY HUSBAND DID TO ME. SO PAINFUL. I LOST MYSELF. THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL. He would crush my soul. They literally suck the life right out of you.
Me too. I hope you're safe and surrounded by healthy people who know how to love gently. ❤
absolutely true 😢 at the end u literally dont have strength to argue nomore like its not worth it cuz the more u try the more u get destroyed 😢they get energy by destroying u they know what destroys u its sucks because i left my career nd it wasnt worth it but thnk god im going back to my career because his sycho path nd insecurities destroyed me from achieving my goals ❤
Same hun
I'm going back to school and going to enjoy my life😅
I was erased. Totally. Thanks for talking about this Michele! After I left, a nice neighbor waved to me and I turned around to see who they were waving too! I was so used to being invisible.
I had similar thing happen to me. I was so used to being “not existing “. I was shocked someone wanted to actually hear anything I had to say or how I felt or yes, even wave to me. ❤❤❤😢😢😢
Exactly. Totally erased.
@@southernlady5085Thank you for putting into words. They erased me. I don't exist to them so they shouldn't exist to me, but they do I hold a grudge. For both of us. ❤
@@janice2992 Not my original words, but the words of the original post. Hopefully, with realization there will eventually come healing, forgiveness, and hope. One can’t stop at the realization and all of its emotions. Hopefully there will eventually be healing, forgiveness, and hope. Anger and holding a grudge will only serve to eat you up on the inside, sometimes to the point that the memories and old tapes in your head punish you even further. It’s ok to “sit” in the realization right now, but don’t linger more than is necessary. Move on in your life, and find resolution and peace. God bless you! ❤️
Me, too! He cheated then erased me, even blocked me after 16 years & we have a kid together!
I got chills when you talked about the covert narc giving you the silent treatment and walking around like everything is fine in order to activate someone's sensitivity to rejection. DING, DING, DING!!! My mother's favorite punishment.
This is why grey rock triggered my DVD ex husband into more violence. His mother was a covert and gave him the silent treatment. His favorite ploy was to praise people for things he kept from me. He choked me unconscious to get rid of our baby but he still praises all his nieces for being mothers.
My mom too.... When I was 18 she didn't talk to me for almost a year because I was not studying enough.. I ended up with so many covert narcissists as friends and partners...
Are you still married to him?? He tried to kill 2 opl, yoy & your baby@@user-wi9hv2pb2q
💯
My ex!
I thought something was wrong with me as a teenager because I didn't feel like I had a personality. "Erased from the inside out" is so spot on
Emotional neglect is like having the skin of your soul being peeled off....slowly. It is so incredibly painful. There is SO much pain in the silence, the lack of things done and said, what is _missing._
To watch an emotional neglectful abuser show love/concern to pets, strangers, and friends but not to you~ it SCREAMS at you. The silence screams at you: "YOU. DONT. MATTER. You are invisible, you aren't worth even my attention to show you that you even _exist."_
My self worth was low when I met my ex, but what little self worth I had, it was pummeled into dust by him.
One day we fought and he wanted to go fishing but we hadn't _resolved_ the issue. It was what it always was: left as loose ends and I was emotionally bleeding out. He wanted to go fishing and I truly didn't believe I was allowed to say "no" to anything he wanted. I agreed to go but I grabbed a bottle of wine on our way out. I sat in the bottom of the boat, drinking this whole bottle, tears streaming down my face but I didn't make a sound. He hated when I cried. He stood on the end of the boat with his back to me, casting over and over for over an hour. Not once did he look at me, not once did he glance my way and ask me if I was ok, or came to me to comfort me. Nope.
I cannot _believe_ I put up with that!!! Now, I wish I had put the boat in reverse so he'd fall of the front...then drive the boat around him screaming at him and then drive to the boat ramp and call an Uber to gtfo. 😢
Yeah it could go either way, keep crying and stick it out or push him off the boat, I say push him lol. After a while of him not caring about my crying I think I would've become angry
I will always remember the stare my ex Narc gave me when I did something for him. “This isn’t your job” “I didn’t ask you to do it” …
When I was at his place and it was already 2pm and we didn’t eat yet because he was just on his phone and didn’t talk I cooked us food and asked him if he wanted to come eat with me. He just looked at me with despite “How dare you make me look like that” “How dare you disrespect me” “You disgust me” it’s all things I could hear in that moment when his pitch black eyes looked at me from across the room.
I felt so unheard and unseen it felt like it was eating me alive
Being Neglected by the love of your life is a torturous existence that day by day makes him stronger and you weaker until one day you've completely disappeared and all that's left is something that you don't even know
I'm convinced we married the same guy...
😭😭😭😭
A Narcissist will leave you feeling crazy!
“The effects of emotional neglect are extremely damaging.
“Maybe the narcissist isn’t doing anything forcefully, but by what they are withholding from you is causing your personality to implode in on itself.
“And over a long period of time you wind up feeling as if you’ve been erased from the inside out.
“And in a way, you have. Your emotions never had space, they never mattered, and so they were erased.
“The beliefs that you had about yourself, you were not allowed to have them, they were never mirrored back, they were never supported, so they were erased and replaced with negative beliefs about who you are.
“And when that pattern takes root inside of us, it causes us to show up in every relationship in that same pattern….
“We wind up furthering our suffering because we’re showing up in these templates, these patterns… and we’re seeing other people continually reflect back to us the same neglect that our caregivers .. did as well.”
I had to stop and write down exactly what you said, because I’ve never heard my lived experience be summarised so perfectly and succinctly.
“YOU WIND UP FEELING AS IF YOU’VE BEEN ERASED FROM THE INSIDE OUT.”
😮😮
The emotional neglect aspect has been "neglected" 😉 in the narc abuse conversations. Thanks for bringing it up. It can be even worse than overt abuse because it is invisible.
exactly!!
@@FromSurvivingToThrivingwhat are your credentials please?
@@DN888-1 she gave them at the beginning of the video.
I absolutely agree! And it is my life story. The neglect part of this abuse is rarely touched upon and it’s difficult to find voices who sound like mine with this type of experience. Thank you for your comment. I wish there was someplace for those who know this part of the abuse to go and connect.
@@Enemymind1973 There's a woman on TH-cam, Dr. Jonice Webb, who specializes in CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) which you may be interested in watching. Good luck to you. ❤🩹
neglect IS abuse.
As a child I was always "too emotional" and shamed for being different by my parents and brother especially. He would berate, hit, and call me ugly etc and I would get in trouble for getting upset or crying and being too loud. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my parents, and still is not for my dad. Everything I do is looked at in a negative light, and my brother is seen as the golden child because he lives a mainstream lifestyle. I am judged very harshly and always expected to fail and mess up. It is just not hitting me at 35 that this is what I dealt with as I have had to move back in w my dad when I moved states. He is so kind and giving to everyone, but he yells, judges, and insults me and I can never live up to his expectations. It is not consistent either, as sometimes he chooses to be nice as long as I " act in line". I change who I am to avoid issues. Thankfully I have started to move past caring what he thinks of me and focusing on knowing the truth that I am awesome and successful as an artist and a forest school teacher. But this video now is putting together the pieces as to why my nervous system is so unregulated and always triggered. I can never truly relax, my brain or body. This felt good to vent even if nobody ever reads this.
I read it and I hear you. A fellow artist who my parents never acknowledged. Hang in there. Dwell on the beauty around you. In Jesus' love, Eden.
So did I - and it sucks shit people, especially your dad treat you this way, if someone video record it and play it back to him, would he see then? My mother is the same as your dad - a narcissist- I’m the scapegoat - my older sister is the golden child. Now try and find the road to recovery - good luck bro - find God he’s very merciful 23:17
Relatable almost 1 on 1. My father treats me the same way. I'm 47 now and I walked away in 2015. 35 beautiful age. Wishing you a bright free future
They take out their jealousy on you.
Your father is probably frustrated and you are young full of potential.
They don't like to see you blossom but you are and will and find way and achieve what YOU want.😊❤
I read it and I heard you loud and clear! I hope you can get away from him soon. It’s nice to be able to relate to so many people. I just found out what was happening to me a trauma response called freezing which led to clutter all from narc abuse I had no idea.
Me too. Except for the part about your father the rest of your story is exactly my story too. Amazing. I totally get you.
"They need to regulate you to regulate themselves" that speaks volumes...
I lived for 26 YEARS with my EX-Husband who was his #1 trait !!! I did try harder and harder but it did no good. The target moved each time. If he did not love me, why did he stay married for so long? He was also angry all of the time. So anger combined with neglect over a long, long period of time which was difficult.
I know a man just like your spouse.
GREAT JOB SURVING THAT!
Same here 💔
This is what l want to know,as you why would they want to stay married.
I would like to know why they stay married,Angry all the time.
They minimize, dismiss or totally dont acknowledge that you have feelings
Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths leave you feeling sad, angry, anxious, give you headaches, making you question everything, putting us through hell, feeling worthless or not good enough, depressed, having trauma, neglect you of your wants and needs, everything is one sided with them.
I was with a covert narcissistic person in a relationship. Weird thing I have encountered is I was always hungry looking for food….. like being empty all the time. Extremely draining
When I allowed my emotions to overpower me, I unfortunately experienced reactive abuse. This situation led me to question whether I was the one displaying narcissistic behavior, given that I grew up in a toxic family where everyone in my household exhibited such traits. Moreover, being in a toxic relationship with my spouse has only exacerbated these issues. However, I have come to the realization that it is my environment that is toxic, and it is causing me to react in harmful ways. As a solution, I have found great value in practicing indifference and engaging in breath work. These practices have proven to be impactful and helpful during this phase of my life, as I strive to determine the best path forward for myself.
Ny exact situation!
Same here
I also remember wanting more affection as a child and I would cling onto her leg, act like a cat under the table by her legs, or I would ask to sit on her lap, and she would let me for like 5 min then tell me I had to get down cause I had a bony butt, she called me bony butt. I never questioned this until now
Imagine your mother not only withholding affection, empathy and communication but her constantly absent through her almost dying a dozen times during childhood. Imagine being alone with her and seeing her on the couch in a coma and being 9 yrs old and calling for help and the next time you see her she is on life support with machines and no one tells you anything but your told to hold her hand, seeing your brother hold her other hand and he's crying then watching her choke on the tube and being rushed out thinking she's dying and then going to your Aunts going to bed and no one says anything, watching them tuck in their kids and give their kids affection but none to you then getting on a school bus knowing no one. I can understand now why I developed trichotillomania, that is a lot of abandonment.
My heart aches for you 😔. My Mother was a stay at home Mom but was too busy to give anytime to her 5 children. It was like we were born to work for her and anyone else who needed help we were sent to some pretty crazy places but it was all in the name of Jesus whom I believe in with my whole Heart. I was the only girl and I wanted a mommy so bad I use to pray that she would one day be a Mom to do hair to do polish even maybe a tea party something anything I wanted a Mom so bad. She admitted one time after I had 3 little ones of my own that she never bonded with me? Oh well then there was the reason. I'm fine really I'm fine 😂
I learned that covert narcs are EXTREMELY envious and jealous individuals and this envy is a significant motive behind their behavior. Their envy doesn't distinguish strangers from their own child sadly... they don't want their child to do better OR worse than them because either cases would make them look bad... this is why narcs are impossible to please.
Very true. This has been my experience. There is a toxic resentment always that is just below the surface. When you're a child you don't see it but as an adult, you begin to see the signs...the nasty comment that comes out, the emotional withdrawal when you do something they didn't like, etc.
Co workers and neighbors and pets are easy to be kind to because they don’t get too close. Family gets too close. They might hurt you. One of the tasks of growing up is to learn to be vulnerable. Another task is to learn to recognize and defend against abuse
Emotional and mental abuse is worse than physical abuse....all horrible but the former tend to be hidden and extremely hard to explain.
Malignant Narcissist = Emotions are mocked or used against you
My father would hurt me and bully me so much when i had a strong reaction crying/arguing back they would video my reaction and tell me I was a psychopath and they were showing the police
I was told I had a mental illness
Dad sexually abused me, shamed me, threatened me, told me not to tell anyone, that I could not say "no". I was 12 1/2. He blamed me for all of it, he won't take any blame to this day, I am 60 now, he is beyond pathetically immature! Any time I complained, he blamed me. The sick s.o.b.!
Hope we all found a good therapist and are flourishing now
@@calizaggirl29 I haven't found one hypnotherapy helped me
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance.
They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame.
The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor.
Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com .
A book that really helped me heal was a mindfulness meditation book called "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels. It's so important to change the perspective of our "selves." Everyone is worthy of a peaceful life and tranquil mind.
WoW!!, thank you for sharing!! 😊😮😮
Sounds like what I need to read in this season thanks 👍
My mother is a covert narcissist and the older she gets and the more she loses control the more toxic she gets. I have been no contact since the holidays last year.
Spot on 💙 the older she gets the more toxic she is damn she is taking all that on me it's time to escape now she is trying to humiliate me infront of others😂 I'm like go and tell but anyways it's time to escape i guess 😃 thankyou for sharing this
There is a poem by Mary Oliver called
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
Beautiful!!!!❤❤❤ thanks for sharing
yes! also from Mary Oliver goes something like 'what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.'
Beautiful. Love Mary Oliver.
Never heard of her , Thankyou. 🙏 I will be checking her writings out . ♡
My mother behaved exactly like that. The information about narcisistic abuse saved me. Haven't spoke to my family for 10 years, don't regret ONE BIT. For those strugling with the decision to go full grey rock, yes... it's a hard decision, but also the decisive one. It's sad we have to get to this point, but I guess we can't have everything.
Silence and grey rock do work... next step financial independence and finally no contact! Freedom awaits for those who strive!
You’re absolutely right. It is a decision I made in 2021 and it is a decision I do NOT regret. I’d even go further and say had I not made this decision I would have likely taken my own life at some point (in fact, my 30 year old son was telling me to do so because nobody loved me anyway, and all the while my mother is sitting on the couch, silent, with a tiny little upward lip curl that I absolutely know means she is pleased). To make it out, thus far, and remain living is still a surprise to me.
@@Enemymind1973 Yes, the lack of perspective is huge when we're sharing the same environment as them, I also couldn't see much future for me in that condition. Basically, the choice was grey rock or death. From my 20 to 30 years I was more like a zombie than a person, and they always accepted this idea/behavior very well, too well in fact.
@@Enemymind1973omg yeah never take that shit from anyone. I love you stranger, and I can say that because I'm enough of a weirdo for it to b true
Same here, away from my family but I only have 1 safe friend so it feels so strange on this planet. I had mainly dominant ppl in life who would not care in return and leaving or ignoring off and on .narcissists attract then reject
You're the first person I found that is intelligent educated comes from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and is able to explain it in the most simple and direct delivery I really appreciate your videos I'm so glad I found you
Find Dr. Ramani, she's an expert, the expert. My mother was a neglectful covert mother, a gas lighter and all round nightmare from hell. Dr. Ramani saved my life.
Michele is great and so is the Little Shaman
More than that, this woman is very compassionate, & humble. She has a very calming presence!! Dr. Ramani is great, but she is a little bullish. Kinda like a female Jordan Peterson. 😂
I don't care for Dr Ramani myself... After watching many different videos on narcissists from her and others, I find she repeats herself alot, not really giving any new information for real life and I can't relate to her style for me anyway....
My mom is emotionally unavailable. I remember my dad telling me to "not give her such a hard time," because "she is a good mother to you." If only he actually knew! He passed away about a decade ago, thinking his family didnt need him and that he was a burden. She makes me feel like a burden, too. Some people just dont want actual connection. Some people spend all their energy micromanaging everything around them to the point where they do not have the capacity to actually see others as they are. It is baffling to me, every time, how much more difficult they *want* their lives to be.
It has recently been challenging for me to have faith that there are people who legitimately want connection out there. Each time I have dated someone, they have taken advantage of my good qualities. It is defeating, I feel like i have to hide the best parts of myself from the public, to not be targeted again.
Neglect. I tired of my x-husband never wanting to DO for me or WITH me. So many situations/behaviors of unkindness. Gaslighting. Always taking over the conversation with stories that he already told me - over & over. I feel as if I was never heard, cared for, shared with ~ and I never heard the pronouns US/WE/OUR. Whittled down from narcissistic personality. Began watching your vlogs a few years ago. Thank You Michele. All Good Wishes.
My wife has been severely emotionally neglecting me our entire marriage. She refuses to validate my feelings, mirror me in any way to provide empathy or validation, and has even said exactly what you did about me having a problem because I’m showing emotion. She shamed me multiple times for showing emotion so I shut down my emotions. The toxicity is literally killing me. I’m stuck in a marriage which has caused me so much harm.
This was my mother also, you describe her perfectly. I never got any of my emotional needs met as a child just as you describe. She neglected my emotional needs.
I feel so much pain in relationships that its too much to bare. I run away from relationships... i run away from the pain...
Yes, growing up with a narc mom, her mood would dictate mine. I couldnt be happy if she was upset. Then, as I began to find healthy relationships as an adult, it was eye-opening to see my partner remain in a good mood when I was not. But i quickly realized that they had every right to feel something seperate from me. I realized how over enmeshed I was.
I don't know why this channel doesn't have more subscribers and millions of views ~ but I believe it is being done deliberately by TH-cam. This content is the most accurate and helpful Ive seen and I watch all the big ones here on youtube. Don't give up Michele, your videos are helping thousands. I have gained much insight and wisdom from your take on the subject. Thank you.
You are one of the few that gets it. Keep doing what you are doing. Been dealing with this for 20 years. You are expressing it exactly like my relationship. Sometimes I wish it was physically abusive than dealing with this. Physical abuse is seen, emotional and mental abuse is not.
100%!
As a child I was told I would kick even if both legs were cut off. My thoughts and opinions were always invalidated. My emotions were mocked by my father, laughed at by my brothers, and dismissed by my mother. 😢 This talk really resonates with me.
Oh my, sorry to hear. What you experienced was probably the result of your mom and dad never receiving love as they grew up. So sad.
Same. But I had 2 brothers abd one sister 😢
I send hope that you find a safe space for all your emotions to be heard and seen such as Michele’s group or Ana Runkel’s group or a trauma counselor. ☮️
Same
I was raised by a malignant and covert narcissist. Both parents.
Silent treatment lasted for weeks, extending over a month when I was a teenager and starting to fight back. This video defines my childhood exactly.
I have a cousin who has always been very harsh and emotionally cruel to me. My mother knows it but every now and then she makes comments like "Oh, I don't have any problem with this cousin" and "this other person absolutely loves this cousin" etc.
I remember each time thinking, "why is she even saying this to me. She knows how much this cousin has hurt me. Is she insinuating that I am the one who is wrong for how I feel."
I am bawling right now because I did not even realize that this is in fact a form of abuse, narcissistic neglect. Historically my mother has also been guilty of comparing me to others, especially my friends. Eventually it felt more comfortable not having friends... less people in my life the people there are for her to compare me to.
I can hardly believe how much damage I am still healing from, damage caused by my own mother.
Every time I visit my mother, she will at some point stop talking to me and have her face buried in her tablet or television, total ignoring. It's a covert narcs way of trying to make you feel worthless. Glad i'm above it ~ at least my conscious mind is. Years ago she would yell and scream all the time ( narc rage ) now, she has a new set of games to feel like shes in control.
Try taking out your own phone when she does this - then sit in happy silence for a while, then stir and say sweetly (in a low tone so as not to ‘disturb her) that you have to go …
When you talk about this it is very real. I want isolation all the time. I push everyone away from me because of living with a narcissist for so long. What you are saying is exactly how I feel. Thank you.
I am exactly the same way and don't know how to change
I’m not sure if isolation is necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been in an isolation phase for a few years and am actually feeling it’s necessary. After decades of various forms of abuse including the one mentioned here, and the need to heal and alter my lifestyle completely, honestly it feels like I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m discovering a whole new person with completely different outlook, needs and preferences. It’s pretty amazing, this whole new person who was hidden underneath layers and layers of crap that others always expected me to be. I’m not that and this new person is interested in being healthy, whole and valued. Total opposite of fifty years previous. It can take time.
Same!
@@cloudmountaindog8537same!!! I am out of reach from the vacuumers and live alone with my cat, my garden, the birds, the sun , ..and I am rediscovering :
You just TOTALLY described me ...I wish someone could help me....I'm old already, my life is more than halfway over and I am still broken....
You’re not old, healing childhood wounds is not so complicated or takes that long with an integrative therapist, take your life back! Your life is precious, don’t neglect yourself because others did.
It is never too late to start healing! You are worth it. It is uncomfortable to start, but it gets so much better
Me too... 😢
You can help yourself. Read and write about your resentments and anger. Read Pete Walker CPTSD. Good strength.
Don't loose hope. Most of the people who realise the effects of CPTSD from narcissitic abuse has had on them do so once they reach middle age...so dont feel you are alone...second healing is difficult and long journey for few but always possible with help of therapist and internet these days through self work... but once u r healed life will be different. I am 41 and it was only at age 38 I realised my mother was abusive narcissitic parent. I myself had few narcissitic traits which I had picked because of being raised by one...trying to work on them ...also I have been attracted to partners and friends who display narc traits to some extent. Good thing is now I can detect it to some extent and have built strong boundaries.
I wish you hope love and healing on this journey...may u come our brighter and shining ❤
Yes, I am being erased from the inside out. Thank you, thank you for explaining his gradual, subtle erosion of the confident woman he met. Everyone else around him receives appreciation but I, who's tried so hard to support him, receive no validation or appreciation at all. He even said he didn't need to give me compliments anymore as it was 'for teenagers'! Then stated that he gave others appreciation and compliments because he needed them. When I asked him if he had a nice thing to say about me anymore, he looked me up and down from head to toe and said " You have a nice nose"!! He withholds physical love and claims he has no interest in it, whilst admiring other much younger women. It's designed to erode all my self worth. Now he is trying to persuade me that no other man will ever want me so that I will stay and be compliant with his abuse.
get out of your relationship!! and God bless you on your path. 🙏
You don't deserve that sort of treatment...that non-love!
Please try to quietly plan your escape...and then never look back.
He is only one person...his opinion does not define you...there's a big wide World out there..filled with people who would probably think you're great...he wants to drain you of you, and fill you with him.
You are worthy.
I am so glad that you see the truth of his shadiness! Awareness is key for healing
Run away
I felt every point in this list. I was alone in my marriage for years. I didn't know what companionship felt like. I felt like suppressing myself was a gift I wanted to give my wife. I acted on my belief that I didn't matter but she did. I didn't want to bother her with any need I had but I was always looking for all of hers. For years, every fight revolved around how I was failing to meet one of her needs. It baffled me because I paid so much attention on her needs and she was denying me the acknowledgement that I was trying. 26 years I let her define what was important and buried myself because needing anything was an inconvenience to her.
ThanQ for shining a spotlight on this aspect of the CoNarc's abuse. I didn't even realize to what extent it was damaging me until watching this video.
😥💜
YOU decided that suppression was a gift that YOU wanted to give. YOU let her define what was important. She was probably wanting you to grow up stand up and be the MAN of the home that you were created to be. 🌞
@@brendarewan7441 This doesn't read like a helpful comment to someone who said none of his needs were met in a 26 year marriage. Bit strange that you disbelieve him and undermine his shared experience.
I experience the same thing from my narcissist husband 😮
@brendarewan7441
I'm guessing you have no understanding of gaslighting. When I say "I wanted to give...." read here, I was convinced I should want to...if I was a real man.
All my conversations and emotions were shut down by conversation hijacking. It got so bad that I couldn’t finish a single sentence. He has to outdo every emotion thought out idea. He would actually repeat my ideas back to me right after I would say it, as if he had just come up with it himself. I almost became non existent in this relationship.
Oh I so relate. He talks about himself from morning till night. He doesn't hear me and if he does, twists it around so it's about him. I am completely non-existent. I only exist to do things for him and do the things he won't do or take care of. Thank God I have an eternity with Jesus to look forward to.
That is my mother! Incapable of listening and she’s a conversation bully. We could never go to her as children because she never listened. So sad for a child to have no one to confide in.
I feel you!
@@eden7440Start doing things for you. Do things that make you happy. They're never going to do what you want to do unless there's an audience. They care what others think. It's not because they're trying to make you happy. They just want others to think they're a good guy/girl. It's all for show.
@@FawnieShannonI bet your the opposite of her.
Thank you for explaining this. Many people talk about narcissism but they don't talk about these confusing 'crimes of omission'. Very insightful and healing. Thank you
I’ve never heard anyone explain my situation so exactly.
My father said when my sister was born, on my first birthday, that my mother would push me away with her foot. He scolded her and said "taught me to read to compensate". I excelled in school. My 2 siblings enjoyed their preferred status and played power games. "Mom, .....'s arm is touching mine", when 3 kids riding in back seat of the car. I was always braced for being scolded. At 80 years old the same attitude w/ sibs has been continued long past mother's passing.
Your video is helpful and encouraging and can now understand my conflicting feelings.
Thank you.
My father was the Narcissist and I the 1st born. I'm 65 and just learning why My life was So hard and why I was never happy, blamed for things I never did. Why I was treated like 2nd hand news.
I'm completely alone, isolated. No one calls, no one comes or even cares.. My sister turned my son against me while I was helping my brother basically die. When she dropped dead 8-30-22 , 5:00 AM Heart attack. My son doesn't talk to me for going on 4 years, destroyed my credit , I trust No one and it's damn lonely. Thank GOD for my Cats.
So sorry this happened to you. Be strong!
I was raised by a narcissist, married a narcissist and I raised a narcissist. My relationship with SIL of 30+ years has ended for me. I have the right to feel healthy and happy also. Thank you 🕊❤️
This is so true..... Emotional neglect is very damaging. I have experienced myself as my parents were not for me and with me ever...but I am healed now. Now I can see covert abuser quickly and save myself.
Realizing the other person could be mad and rage and it had nothing to do with me, was huge for me. It sounds so simple, but if you don't even know you are doing it and that it's not normal it is hard to overcome.
So helpful, I could never say I had overt 'abuse', but can definitely say I had emotional neglect that reaches the level of abuse. It's insidious and very hard to identify, yet we end up feeling so much pain and emptiness. Thank you!
*jaw drop*
My mom does that all the time, tells me about how amazing my brothers are and just not say anything to/about me! I called her out on it *once*- I’m sure you can imagine the reaction I got.
I’ve been starting to get an inkling that the two narcissistic romantic relationships I’ve had might have their roots in my family of origin. Cause you know, the abuse is just so familiar.
The worst is I am now a single mom of 3 that are 3 and under and my mom is my main support. I listened to her tell my 3-yo daughter the other day that my little girl would have to change my mom’s diapers when she got old, that’s why she was changing so many of hers, and she’d better remember that.
The thing I’ve noticed about coverts, and most people in general, is they love having toddlers around because they give a lot of enthusiasm for very little effort. They’re relatively easy to feed off of and manipulate.
Oh man this is so true!!! My mom is that way too with loving to be around younger ones and hearing what she says to them and gets away with it, manipulating and nudging them, oiy it's a terrible thing to witness. I've since limited any contact with her and my kids and then ultimately had to go no contact for our own collective sanity & safety.
You are so correct in everything you have said. The emotional damage covert grandmothers inflict on toddlers and school-age children warps their emotional reactions and ability to find normal emotion adults to partner with in future, grown-up relationships.
😳it’s so true! Young children need and worship adults who offer engagement and any kind of attention without the emotional demands of reciprocity or feedback. My narcissistic grandmother, both parents were this way and now my adult siblings are completely neglectful and devalue adult relationships but fawn and obsess over children. I always wondered why I was the cats meow as a small child and neglected discarded once I got older. It was so hurtful and confusing. To this day my adult siblings think they’re wonderful for having little kids look up to them. I get a sick feeling witnessing this weird behavior but I can’t say anything as I would seem strange to anyone for noticing this covert pattern as not being as wonderful as they see themselves for engaging in encouraging the children to worship them. Narcissistic supply.
Huh. I’ve been questioning and doubting that I’ve been narcissistically abused because it didn’t match up with Overt and it slightly matched up with covert. This is pretty spot on. And it’s so hard to prove it to other people.
Yes. You are always made to look to be in the wrong to others. You NEVER get any support or validation or understanding from anyone!!!!!!!
No one has ever summed up my childhood and adult struggles so clearly. 😢
this had me SOBBING. I don’t like to acknowledge how messed up I feel but this made me feel like it is valid to feel exhausted
Omg! I am soooo glad you made this! I have been so lost and confused and ALONE because no one understands this kind of abuse! They kill your without getting their hands dirty whatsoever…my ex was so “good” at this that he rarely even called me names or overtly was rude…
And you said crimes by omission…so spot on! I used to tell ppl he’s abusing me by “non” actions and they just looked so confused and yea, exactly like it “wasn’t that bad” or that the problem was me over reacting or imagining things 🙄 and still to this day I have received no validation from anyone that I was abused and that he destroyed me! They don’t see it! And I’m not the same person! But it’s like he swapped places with me and stole everything from me, including myself and personality…and I’ve been a wreck so of course now it looks even more like “it was me” …I am so resentful and hate him! I know this isn’t healthy but it’s so hard when the world also further perpetuates all of these things when they just don’t see what happened! It feels like a secondary abuse of sorts, even though innocent…I often felt like I wish he beat the crap out of me! So at the very least I can get support and understanding when I left!
I get what you're saying. It's that they silently steal part of your soul than happily move on. I never got validated either but 30 years later I'm learning that self validation is what is most important to me. Lots of learning, never ending. You can get you back. Wish you the best of luck. Happiness and joy are our birthright.
1fa
Don’t expect understanding from others. They don’t understand.
Congratulations to you for getting out!
While I totally understand the additional pain and frustration over people not understanding, the way I learned to deal with it for myself is to simply be thankful that they don’t understand because they haven’t had to survive it themselves, since no one can truly understand unless they have been there, but no one should ever have to live thru this kind of soul murder! It’s hard not having the support and understanding, but I’m sincerely glad that they can’t know and understand what it’s like to live in it! I don’t know if that will help anyone else, but it has helped me to change my expectations and adjust my perception of the way I have been treated!
Wow, this all resonates with me so much. I’m just a shell of who I used to be. I’ve been with my narc for 21 years… since I was 15 years old. This summer has been one of the worst (well not really because he makes sure all of my summers are shit) I have two kids, 10 more years until my youngest is 18. I don’t know if I’ll make it that long. My mom passed away when I was 15 my dad in 2020 and my big sister in 2021. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I need help 😞 thank you for your videos, when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope I listen and it reminds me that I’m not this horrible/lazy person that can’t do anything right. I just want to be happy
Please talk to your doctor about it and ask for counselling. You can break the cycle and be happy instead of wasting another 10 years of your precious life. If your doctor or counsellor is not listening then get another (female) doctor. Your children will be messed up if you keep taking the abuse as it will be their normal and acceptable. Good luck - just take the first step. ❤️🇨🇦
Think of your children. Definitely think of yourself but I think for most of us the kids keep us going. You need to be strong for them.
I always think 'how would I feel if my children were treated this way' I would not like it so why am I accepting it.
Please get out of that living situation! You *don’t* have to stay in it for your kids’ sake. It would be better for them if y’all got out of it. The abuse/neglect you experience affects them too. Kids learn what relationships look like from watching their parents. What have they been seeing/learning? Is that what you really want for them?
@@susangrande8142 no, you’re right but I’m stuck. My family is all gone and I’m alone.
@@itsjust_Q I bet you have alternatives that you haven’t seen yet. Like the first commenter replied to you, talk to your doctor. I bet there are resources for you. Investigate shelters for battered women who are fleeing their abusers, for example. You are stronger than you know! 🙏 A day will come when you decide you’ve had enough, that you won’t put up with it any more, and you’ll get out. You CAN get out! I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and stayed for so long in it because I didn’t see how I could get out. One day, something snapped in me, and I’d had enough. People helped me and rooted for me! I didn’t have any family close by either. The same will happen for you! 🙏 Quit arguing for your limitations! You are stronger than you know!
This helped me recognize that if I tried to draw boundaries with my parents, I was told I couldn't set that boundary, because they were the parents and they made the rules, and/or because XYZ logical reason. I don't remember how they talked to me exactly, I don't know if they said anything like that outright, it was just coded in to my understanding of how the world worked. If they decided what I wanted for myself wasn't within what they wanted for me, I was told it wasn't an option, and if I tried pursuing it further I was punished. They probably, to this day, still sincerely believe they were trying to set me up with discipline and firm boundaries (on their end exclusively) to be able to be successful. But I never learned I was allowed to stand up for myself or be my own person.
Which sets us up for lifetime of being unable to stand up for ourselves! This gas been a real problem when I need to be firm with my Drs, but can't do it. My health has suffered greatly for 30yrs cuz' no one to speak up for me & when I try, they do not listen.
The only good thing is that I will soon be free from this so-called life. And will leave Narci husband of almost 40yrs behind!
omg the opening analogy is very similar to how i describe living with my toxic families. to me, it feels like im living in one of those old homes with arsenic green wallpaper and it's slowly poisoning me. holy shit ive never felt so seen so immediately.
It’s not just our upbringing or parents or family that teaches not to convey emotions or how we feel, but society teaches us this as well, and most in particular, our family justice system. Emotions are seen as bad and erratic or almost unstable if you are expressing hurt, or facing false accusations in which a narcissist is playing the victim, and therefore has already taken that role, so you must be portrayed as the abuser, when actually it is the narcissist that provokes and intentional triggers a negative reaction from you, which is referred to as reactional abuse by the Narc. The problem is that all narcissists play the role of victim, and they convince themselves that they are, as well as gaslight themselves to believe their own lies and false portrayals of you with her likely due to a delusional mentality as well as believing and validating their own preconceived assumptions about the spouse or significant other they are portraying negatively. And since one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist is to never admit to any wrongdoing or absorb any guilt, shame or blame within for what they do, they will project their negative behavior toward the person they are abusing or accusing falsely. So whenever a narcissist is behaving badly or doing something highly inappropriate, their primary targeted source of supply will likely receive repercussions or devalued for that in some way. In other words, the narcissist will project negativity and hatred toward you for the things that they do wrong. And if you find out they are cheating on you then they will never forgive you for it, and it will be your fault. These are very disordered and mentally sick people. And once the mask comes off, they rarely feel the need to ever have to put it back on around you. But by this time, they’ve already convinced themselves that they are a victim, so they are justified in their mind to portray you or accuse you of anytime they feel threatened or questioned about a wrong they committed. They are allowed to portray you negatively, but you are not allowed to do the same in return to them.
The the one important thing to remember for those who were targeted by a narcissist, and got trauma, bonded or stuck in that relationship is to not allow yourself to feel like a victim continuously. Yes, you were very wronged and falsely accused and treated like shit and neglected or abused in someway shape or form but if you develop a victim mentality, then you also risk becoming like or similar to the narcissist themselves. PTSD symptoms can bring forth characteristics that are very closely similar to
Characteristics of a Narcissist. Remember, all Narcs will portray themselves a victim in the relationship. You will always be at fault and always viewed as the one to blame. It doesn’t matter if you were falsely accused, or they made a mountain out of a mole hill, in regard to pointing toward one of your mistakes or wrongs, which we as humans all make at times, and when we have been faced with some severe complex PTSD, from the result of trauma, we become hyper vigilant, as well as defensive and indignant, during moments of experiencing those triggers of negative traumatic events/ reminders when with the narcissist. There are so many sometimes and this can cause you to ruminate as well experience, a heightened sense of cognitive dissonance as well as the fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses. Which all four can be experienced at different times but usually there is one or two of these responses that you tend to adopt.
Too bloody long and in view of the video... pointless.
Michael, thankyou for taking the time to provide some really interesting insight. Recognising this whole narcissistic personality behaviour is relatively new to me. I am now aware that I was married to a covert narcissist for 18 years and finally understand what was wrong with the marriage.
Now, at the age of 72 and having lost everything, my adult daughter who lives with me is showing overt narcissistic personality disorder. I have lived a good life with a positive disposition, and a caring heart, willing to help family and friends in need. Sadly now, I am unwell and have lost the joy I always had. My advice is to remove yourself from the person who hates you so much that their purpose is to destroy your heart, mind and very soul! On the positive side, my faith in God (and myself) is stronger than ever🌱💗🙏🕊🙏
@@eden7440I don't agree with you🤔
Well said & oh so true!
I think this is a very well said and deeply insightful summation of the way you will always be perceived in relation to a narcissist - always to blame for any mistakes or bad behaviors of your own, but also for all of theirs, too! They have an affair, but you cheated on them! It’s pure insanity, and even more insane when the rest of the world believes their narrative, so it’s little wonder that we all end up feeling like we’re completely crazy and are constantly questioning both our sanity and our experience with the narcissist! Add to this the bold and brazen ways that they tend to abuse us - at least for me, even after years of similar, it never fails to completely blow my mind the things that he’s capable of doing to me and others to get what he wants, to the point where my mind will insist that I must be mistaken because I can’t understand that someone would ever treat others that way! - it’s a miracle that we can escape or heal at all! Most people could never really comprehend the horrors that have been our daily existence during that relationship, and I pray for their sake, they never have the opportunity to learn firsthand! ❤️
Hits me between the eyes.
Been in a covert narcissist relationship for about 34 years now. Just beginning the recovery in the last 5 years. This is just one more huge part of the puzzle in getting my life back. Thank you so much for the insight.
Another thing they love to do to you is take what you like and try to knock it in some way~ I told my mother about a new car detailing channel here on youtube with this young girl who just got started~ Her first response was " Her teeth look a little crooked, look , there's something wrong with her teeth do you see it? " This was said for one reason - Let me try and tarnish and wreck the thing that I know you like so that I can get you to not like it also. There really sick sick people with such a sad need for control. It's as if there in a permanent state of JEALOUSLY, FRUSTRATION, and CONTEMPT. Definitely DATA Gatherer's~here you are trying to make conversation with them, and all there doing is trying to take in all the info so that they can use it against you.
😥
They will then turn around and tell other people that they found it and steal the ideas and own it. Or if you say you like something that they told you about that have to continually remind you that they introduced you to it, like you are indebted.
I was separated from my ex Narc last year and we were driving back from an event late and a song that we both love came on and I started to sing along and he put his hand on my leg and asked me to stop singing along because no one could sing it like the artist…after the song was over he added, “besides, I introduced you to that song.” As if it gave him ownership because he played it for me a week or two before it was all over the radio. 😮
My sister is the same way. If she does something for you , she will remind you that ( SHE ) did it. Again, this all goes back to that insecure little child that's trapped in all of them that didn't get enough recognition from mom or dad. I don't think people truly know how much contempt they have for others, they really are mean nasty little thugs inside.Ahhh, it is what it is~life goes on. I believe in Karma, I study the readings of Edgar Cayce~that's what helps me deal with it all ~knowing that they WILL MEET there karma one day.Thanks for the reply~take care@@Daybreak70
I’ve been in some bad relationships but a covert narcissist cuts deeper
Emotional novacain until a relationship or a job ends. God bless every soul here.
Im lucky i had my grandmother in my life. I spent the 1st yr of my life with her and every summer from like 7 to 16 yrs old. She was very empathetic. She never withheld or gave silent treatments. She was very funny, warm, kind and friendly. She did have a hard time giving affection. Only gave affection when coming or going for long periods. But she told me why before she died. She gave me the biggest hug and she said she was sorry for not being more affectionate but that she didnt recieve much affection as a child. My grandfather was a narcissist though and he constantly gave silent treatments to everyone in the family. And he wasnt the worst to my grandmother but he called her a derogatove nickname. He use to call her fat ass and he did it so much that no one thought twice about it. When he died she lost a ton of weight.
😥💜
The numbness and drifting through life. I've been in this state for the last 2 years. Even when I've separated from him, it persisted and I felt I had no direction in life. We are back together and I still feel this way. I get afraid that I'm stuck like this.
Same! Divorced for 3 plus years now and I feel worse than when I stayed…I can see why you went back,..but this is part of the abuse and the cycle! It always gets worse! And the pain will be worse leaving again! I know, I married this same man twice…I looked back and was sooo angry I went back! I thought it was bad but then the second time it was like the death blow, the nail in the coffin for my life, my emotions my soul! 🫶 I wish you the best! But I know this feeling! They kill you without getting their hands dirty whatsoever!
Michele, THANK YOU for these videos! I have been struggling with CPTSD for fifty years! Six therapists and 22 drugs didn't help me. Your info is spot on! I am slowly beginning to heal.
Michele, you're extraordinary.
TRULY extraordinary. Your voice, your mind, your character, your personality, your physique, everything. I love everything about you. You have helped me in so many ways, and I truly and seriously appreciate you for it. Please keep up the grand work. You are one of the most important people in this world 🤦🏾♂️🌎💚❤️💎🙌🏾💯
Thank you for talking about this. My mother showed me no verbal or physical affection. She made no real secret of the fact that she was disappointed in me for reasons I had no control over... physical weaknesses, illness, medical costs and several aspects of my physical appearance, not deformed or handicapped, but disappointingly not what she hoped for. Because she said things that revealed her feelings, I had an extremely confusing emotional dilemma, believing that my mother could not help her feelings, and that I was just ugly. I still can't get over these feelings. The only time I tried to address it by telling her that her constant comments about my appearance and her lack of affection and validation, she had hurt me deeply. She totally turned this around snd said that by telling her this I had hurt her. She was crying snd never acknowledged or apologised for all her insulting comments through my life. I stopped trying to win her acceptance by being an overachiever and continually bending over backwards to do nice things, making elaborate cards, writing letters, and buying her special gifts, which she had never done for me. She had expended very little emotional or thoughtful attention to do things that would have been special to me.
I finally stopped writing letters to her late in my 50s. She died in her late 80s and since then my brother who never bothered to keep in touch also blamed me for personal choices in my life, saying I had broken her heart by making personal choices about religion, etc. I was always trying my best to be a good person and had never done anything to bring actual shame on my family. I had done well in education and career.
I still don't know how to deal with the confusion of the feelings I had since early childhood. I have had several relationships with narcissists since then. I have had a lot of therapy in the past.
The only thing that arises when I try to deal with this, is a sense of helplessness that I am honestly a good and worthwhile and loveable person, but have never been really desired or loved for who I am.
My spouse gets mad when I show emotions other than how he wants me to feel. That's how he neglects my emotions
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
Wow
I have read it all. This is my story. Two years with one person. Started with super duper humble, shy, soft, big smile and shiny eyes, very attentive. A „man of God“ who went to the monastery. After his first rage a couple of months later when I realized that something is off and started to protect myself - the first rage. Like an evil. His face was dead and his eyes went black. I had goosebumps. Never saw something like that. I asked him to go. His hoover was: Getting a job where he was caring for a lady who had cancer. She was sick in bed and couldn’t do anything by herself. He cared for her to prove to me, that he is a good person. He even said: „As if a man with bad intentions would do a job like this.“ Apologized for everything and it worked. I gave him another chance. (He stopped caring for the lady 😅) A couple of months later again it ended with multiple rages, cheating and physical abuse after I found out and confronted him with that. He also said of course, it’s my fault 🙈 I can’t believe this is my story. Never ever I could have imagined something like that would happen to me / or is even possible. I always said: I met an Angel and the evil - both as it’s finest - in one person during two years.
This is me with my daughters father. I live in fight or flight and loneliness simultaneously every single day and I feel invisible and have become so stressed lately it feels like I’m having a heart attack some days. It sucks and I’m trapped. Thank you for making this video which is so validating to what I’m going thru right now.
I have literally told him I am dying inside from lack of love and attention and nothing changes. I honestly don’t think there is help for people that do this to others.
To: @sarab4524
Can you get professional counseling?? Someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse? He may not change but, YOU need the change!! Away from him!!!
Never be stuck!! There is help out there?? Even through your county!! GET HELP!!!
You have to get out for the kids
Ifeel for you I am in the same situation. 37 years but have chronic lyme disease and now longhauler covid I would have been out Now I have to pay everything and I am half in a wheelchair he gives me n othing I wish you all the best you need to work on getting yourself out time goes too quickly get your life back! create a new you
I lived with a covert narc. For 54 years. He died. Retrospectively ... I was a child of a manic depressant/covert narcissistic/nurse for others (7) step-fathers (sexually abusive from 3)... who didn't hear me or see me. I married the same kind of person. Now I'm trying to recover. Start therapy (@ 75) on Monday. 😢Ugh. I feel like I have no future for normal love. I have 2 beautiful daughters from this relationship. Both are dealing with issues from their dads personality, & one is like her dad ... the other married a man like her dad. 😢😢😢
I have so much to say about this but have no words. It's hard to talk about the Narc Mom and Alcoholic Step-dad. Feelings of guilt and shame just to breathe and exist. I hope you do more on this. Ty
There was a psychologist who said that he had had many patients, who never had been hit. I guess your theme here explains what could have happened to them.
Thank you
I identify and connect with your way of expressing these experiences. Your are sensitive when you speak .
I think my mother came up with a term for emotional neglect in which she, apparently, knew she was guilty of while raising her four children. She called it "benign neglect" because she determined that her emotional neglect didn't really cause us any real harm. Between the four of us siblings there were two teenage pregnancies, a runaway, substance abuse, clinical depression and more. No real harm there, right?
Mothers are bad people. Most American women shouldn't be having kids.
BENIGN??? Wow, what a way to excuse your own deplorable treatment of your kids. Give it a fancy name, shape it into a ‘no big deal’ situation, then blame the shit outta the kid who dares to point to it as a possible contributor to the whole big ass mess. I’m sorry. None of what you have experienced is benign, all things connect to all things, and all things matter.
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This is the first time I hear somebody exposing these things.
I identified with the majority of your characteristics of the narcissistic abuse. I was happy and bubbly when I married my husband. Things were good At first, then the older he got the worse the narcissist behavior. I left at the 25 year mark I was suicidally depressed. I wish I had known about this type of person years ago. Thanks for your thoughtful and well presented video!
I identify 💜
Thank you so much for this wonderfully clear and accurate explanation! It is so important!!! Such an Epiphany. Thank you.
My soon to be ex kept dismissing my feelings of being bullied by his mother. He also only gave me partial truth if things. I always wondered where I stood with him. It’s destroyed me.
He gives everything to his friends, no compassion comes my way. His admiration to all his new inspiring friends...its all so twisted. I have a chronic neurological illness and depend on him but have to fend for myself.
I’m so sorry he does this to you and puts his friends above you.
This this this. When I nearly died in hospital and begged her to be more supportive, all I got (new job for her) was “you say that but someone at work said yesterday how supportive I am and I just burst into tears.” This was with her abandoning me in hospital, not visiting, not asking how I was, not keeping any sort of eye on major tests. And then told I was a d**k and a narcissist. Sigh.
It’s all about you Jo. We don’t or no one wants to be involved in your drama. This is how my own mother and sister shame me into silence. The hardest part to me I trying not to defend myself or explain myself. That’s really hard to do because they lie to make themselves right which literally drives someone crazy. I was told that I was the narcissist and I scapegoat my family because of my bipolar disorder. I have to get to the place where I refuse to listen to there nonsense and remember that I’m not crazy and I know what happened. Now I tell them let’s take a lie detector test!
When I was young, before what Mom called our (her too ) nervous breakdown, I tried to get help. I told a priest I was being abused. He said no, it was neglect. I'm a third generation victim of narcissistic abuse. AT LEAST. DEFINITELY GENERAL TRAUMA has been passed down in our family, our DNA, our respective inability to properly share, care and bond. Good topic.
I was abused emotionally by my Covert Narcissist for 20 years. He never consummated the marriage. I went beyond hate to total indifference.
I have no words. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 for your healing 😳
@@daisyviluck7932 , thank you so much! I am now very old and happily married to a gracious Christian man. Jesus saved the BEST for last! I do not deserve Jesus or my wonderful husband. Thank you for your prayers. I am trying to forgive the horrors that man inflicted.
I am listening to this for the 3rd time this morning.
I don’t remember being hit as a child- I just realized I wasn’t ever hugged either. This resonates.
When I was working I sometimes felt like I was living in a spacesuit, an avatar.
It was later in life (46) the physical abuse started and the sexual abuse. You do get drawn into your past behavior.
Had a psychotic break. Haven’t been the same.
Michelle, so much of this fits my mom and yet she took care of my basic needs: food, clothing, education, present on b'day/xmas. This makes me so guilty that I am complaining about not being hugged, told I'm important, sought out, etc. Is it possible I expected too much? I experience all the symptoms you listed.
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Sweet soul, your mother provided you with the physical bare minimum. That was her responsibility as a parent. You are entirely valid for wanting affection from the human being that brought you into this world. Parents are supposed to provide unconditional love, support, nurture, guidance, and affection while taking care of your basic needs!! You do not expect too much. Your parents treatment of you is a direct reflection of what they see in themselves when they look in the mirror each morning. Give yourself permission to heal and to love yourself unconditionally. You are worthy of it. You matter, and you always mattered. I am so so so sorry that they convinced you otherwise. You deserve to heal and feel whole. Sending you an abundance of unconditional love and encouragement 🤍
Thank you for your kindness. I hope you are well. @@Invisibleanonymous15
Dude, Nancy, your mom was SUPPOSED to provide those things for you because she CHOSE to have you and in doing she took it upon herself to be responsible for those BASIC needs so do not fool yourself into thinking you are somehow being selfish because of a NEED to be NURTURED by your mother throughout your life. It is that very lack of nurturing that is the root of our belief that we are expecting too much when we say we were not treated as if we mattered. You are indeed expecting too much. Too much from YOURSELF. You are allowed to feel what you are feeling and to say out loud how you are feeling and to name that which contributes to how you are feeling. And be kind to yourself, because you absolutely are worth kindness!
@@Invisibleanonymous15what a beautiful and warm message you have written here and I’m loving it so much!!
YIKES! “trauma-informed or other similar designations are not regulated or overseen in any way-not even for social service, health and mental health agencies. Anyone can say they are trauma-informed.”
I could not find this person listing her actual credentials on her website or ANYWHERE!
This ALL hits home big time. I'm about to change my life & start over yet AGAIN because I got stuck living with my narcissistic mother who has ALL these traits. My cat was literally my only friend & support, just crossed over & now I have nothing. So I'm making the decision to try & move out, & I have no idea how or what that looks like. I do love where I live & it's so sad that 1 person can completely destroy that. I'm sad about it, but if I'm going to have any future joy & a normal nervous system, I know I have to get out.
My mother just ignore my feelings and my bf acts as if they don't exist. It's your reading from my life's bio, it's spooky. Everything you mentioned about how we talk to ourselves, I've said all of it. I love being in my feelings because I'm the one who cares. I have started validating my emotions and this is whats causing so many problems. They both continue to act as if I'm not there. I'm 52 and just figuring things out. I am withdrawing from both of them.
You're the best. I didn't know I was dealing with emotional neglect, but you described my situation perfectly. Especially, ending up in one-sided relationships. I wish I could join yourr thrivers group.
I really like, that you are so calm, while talking about narcissism. Most videos about narcissism are so full of bitterness and even hate. But when I hear you calm voice, i just feel sad about what happened with me in the past, without all the bitterness.
I can even feel a bit compassion for those wounded people, who need to exploit others emotions...
Michelle you are taking my language. I see now the neglect aspect reinforces the constant hurtful words. You were very perspective to see people with holes. It's very possible that my husband recognised that we were both broken children. Thank you for all that you do to help people 💖
Thank you so much for this video. You have recognised and explained what has been so deeply indescribable.♥️💔♥️
Ma'am you are helping me heal more than you ever know. I am not diminishing into the ground helped me.Thank You! ♦️🌹❤️
It’s interesting how you were able to recognize the whole hole in the soul thing in other people.
This has been quite the journey learning about all of this. Narcissistic this narcissistic that has been thrown around a lot these last few years but, it's incredible how this behavior can be pinpointed. My ex is about 85% described by the 100s of shorts and videos I've viewed and it makes me feel better and more aware but also somewhat sad for the people affected by it. I was extremely heartbroken leaving that relationship but now it's made me keen on this behavior but more solid overall! Thank you!