Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
I was still in high school paying the electric, water, my insurance, and gas. She got child support that bought me nothing and paid no bills. My uncle owned the house; no rent.
Having clear boundaries from the start is the key. As soon as they start criticizing and devaluing or do things you asked them not to, it’s time to use the nearest door. Make sure to lock it behind you.
Thats the time people get trapped... they minimise what they did, they gaslight you, they call you insecure and controlling etc. My ex became a whore and convinced herself she was doing nothing wrong. She blamed everything on me for being angry, jealous, insecure and controlling, while she was banging 10 guys a week. And she was lying to everyone else about what she was doing. When I told people, she called the police and threatened me with harassment. Even the police supported her lies and kept me silent.
The ending is very tough but true. They dont respect boundaries. And if you are in a vulnerable position for example being alone and lonely it is very easy to ignore the red flags and accept the love bombing. But they dont truly care about you. They give the impression of loving you and you tell yourself they love you but it is an illusion. It really messes up your mind the contradictions you get from them. Once you start loving them the confusion gets worse because they dont love you.
My "trip" with a divorcing love bomb lasted 20 years because I fell for it for 5 years, then I didn't realise the red flags because I never had heard about red flags. And I was unable to believe that somebody can lie so extremely well. Only when I saw the proof on facebook, it started to become clear. Meanwhile 6 years have passed, and finally I recognise my old me every now and then. Without G'D and Tim Fletchers videos I don't know where I would be! Showers of blessings on you, Tim Fletcher!
@@OliveWeitzelI’m going through the same, only I don’t know what I’m doing because I’m careful to admit Tim is explaining me, and personally I’m terrified in more ways than I can count that I can’t overcome my fear , I have ideas and the toolbox, application is hard.
All about the dopamine rush... fake love! I still can't escape the fake love. 2.5 years in with a BPD girlfriend. But the secret is, love yourself first! Put yourself on the pedestal! It is a one-sided relationship, see yourself as single, and find someone else.
That’s what happened to me. I was in a bad marriage. I didn’t have much support. And narcissist have a radar for that. And of course I was loved bombed but very slowly overtime. It’s just difficult for people that are vulnerable which can be any of us at some point in our life. And then these deceitful toxic people get into your life. In my opinion, no contact is the best way to go.
Thank you. My ex-wife and her family took everything from me. I’m past it, now, but it is very helpful to hear you narrate my story so that I can see and understand how it all went down. They took my financial security away from me. Still, I’m better off and am thankful that they no longer hold any power over me. I tried to warn my now ex-wife’s live-in boyfriend, but, of course, he wasn’t having it. I tried. In the future, he will come to realize that my warning was true. But my ex-wife will have already destroyed him in her mother’s and sister’s minds. And because they know better than to question her, they will join in with her as she runs him off. These narcissists are destroyers.
That’s the whole point ❤️🩹 so don’t stick around to let their whole clan to feed off your carcass 🤦♀️ it’s a different type of energy vampire unique to the human race to nowhere 🤷♀️ extinction is too good for them but revenge is beyond us… it’s Divine & their issues are above our pay grade ✨
What I learned (once I realised my partner was a Narc and abandoned me) is ASK QUESTIONS. If your gut is telling you ‘something’s up’, rely on it and probe, probe, probe until you get answers so you won’t waste years of your life like I did. If he’s evasive, stalls and - like my ex did - answers your question with “how do you mean?” (giving him time to formulate an answer), dump the idiot and let him drown in his lies.
Sadly most of us have to go many rounds with the same or different kinds of narcissism until we learn that we cannot change the lie that they’ve sold us 🤦♀️ if a narcissist truly tried to change it wouldn’t be for you, but for their inner child who got stuck @ 2 so long ago 🤷♀️ it’s above your pay grade, folks!
I mean yeah that's true but also that's kind of the only reason anyone should change - for themself to improve their own life. I don't think people with NPD are really looking for romantic relationships at all, hence they have to eventually end.
For me one time was enough. I now recognize the signs and what they can lead to. I rather stay alone and lonely then to go for another round to prevent more damage.
Hoovering after you discarded them has also more or less hidden vindictive energy because they lost control over you when you walked away from narcissist. They need to get it back and punish you for such a 'crime'.
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com .
This is 1000% my soon to be ex wife, described in FULL detail, I had to copy your entire comment to save for later. I’ve spent the past 2 months deep diving into narcissistic abuse, control, manipulation, ect. I endured devaluation, moodiness, odd personality disorders, BPD I wasn’t told about, isolation disguised as “issues” with family members & a strange need to “keep our circle small” or our “lives private”, mental health problems, drug addiction, silent treatment, bread crumbing, her “need” for me to care for her entirely disguised as ambiguous health/stomach issues, gaslighting, withholding intimacy, lying….I was miserable & had next to no idea how much abuse I really was enduring until she discarded me & I looked back through the lense with my therapist who is an absolute angel. Dr. Ramani is also an incredible source of wisdom on narcissistic abuse. I just bought her book. I’ve learned so much already. Thank you for your comment caralee! You eloquently nailed nearly everything victims of this type of insidious abuse endure, but there is hope! There is escape, healing & a light at the end of the tunnel! ❤
I rejected him for 3 years and then was with him for 3 weeks and left him immediately😂 I already knew these patterns from my parents, so I'm immune to these games. It hurt a lot and was very hard but I am incredibly proud of myself.
@@nickthompson1812 I said no to him. All the time. And then I gave him a chance and left him after 3 weeks. I am not an idiot to play his idiotic childish games. I am fed up with immature adults. My parents were enough. Enough is enough. Let me guess you are a narcissist too. You are gaslighting me. Everyone has the instructions for use to narcissists the game is over for you.
Married twice to narcs. One grandiose and one passive aggressive. 25 years with the first and to date 23 years with the second. Both cheated. Repeatedly. Neither was worth it. Looking forward to a new life soon at 65 years old, ALONE.
While they are courting you, be aware they are also courting others at the same time, often sending the exact same messages and photos to different people. Any attention is good to them. They will get on dating apps all over the world, just to get attention. They are lying to everyone.
Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This I Needed To Hear This I Am A Victim Of Narcissitic Abuse This Person Has Ruined My Life My Self Confidence Self Worth And Self Esteem. I'm In Total Devaluation After Yrs Of Emotional Abuse and Psychological Abuse. I Was Discarded Cruelly The Narcissit Has Nothing to do with Me As If I Never Existed This Is What Is Keeping Me Stuck. IM Struggling to Detach I'm Severly Depressed. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS BRUTAL...
❤️🩹 he never existed at all… it was just a lie that he couldn’t perpetuate & that means everything he says is also just a lie 🤦♀️ plz believe neither who he was or what he tried to sell you or the public 🤷♀️ it’s just nonsense & all these freeloading toddlers should be sent back to another mother !
I'm so so sorry 😢 I can feel you because I'm in the same situation. Excuse my bad English I'm from Germany. I'm completely devastated and don't want to live anymore the pain is unbearable. Much love from Brigitte ❤
I experience the same. I actually had to live with her a few months & she acted like we wasn’t just together 12 years. She Got in another relationship & I had to endure all of that under the same roof. I am thankful to know Jesus because I am better off! I am actually happy with the rejection because I was too weak for a long time. Seek God, he is our comforter & healer
It's a long road, but you are now on the right path! Watch the videos, read the books, don't be lazy. Read the book 6 pillars of self stheem, watch Tim's videos and live!
After a horrific r’ship that broke my mind & body I had to step back and look at my own maladaptive coping strategies/ insecure attachment style that had me behaving in the most insane ways 💔
it is sad. Life could had been so much better for everyone involved if they would only be honest to themselves and do some work. But they walk away and repeat the cycles of doom with someone else and someone else and...
Orbiting and PROXIMITY and hoovering tactics are very very real. I knew when my parents apologized they give me gifts, gifts from narcs aren't gifts. so I knew his flowers meant an apology not a gift. Today I'm still alive because I avoided the guy scene. I kept my art and medical care safe.
She took my selfworth, my sanity and many other things. But she never got my money. and it really pissed her of everytime I said no. Lucky for me I only spent 2 years in the narc loop. But I am thankful now that I met her. Because I have really grown and my traumahealing is going great. My heart goes out to people still stuck in this pain loop. it isn't easy
Tim is amazing. The sad fact is most of us will be listening to this in hindsight. The good news is you’ll have been through the storm and to the other side ! Keep going people.
This guy has completely and accurately spelled it all out! I've never heard it so perfectly described as what this man described. Married 30 years to a covert narcissist. I always saw "bad behavior" or a temper but it wasn't until I was 48 (I'm now 54) that I dug deep and discovered who I'm contending with. The chronic lying about everything and anything, the selfish behavior, the disrespect, the walking on eggshells and if you don't, the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde rages. I think I'm in a discarded phase. Does the cheating have to be a person? Can it be something they replace you with?
I put up with a narcissist, (before people began learning about these type people), for several years because I loved him. Then one day I looked at him and realized I was in love with a facade, not him. In that moment I mentally and emotionally divorced him. Shortly after I made it legal.
I went no contact in 2006 .. it was on my terms .. so fast forward to giving a chance to my mother 16 years later and she made sure it was abandonment on her terms … it was an annihilating smear campaign; well 2 years on from that and now I support people who have gone no contact and want to heal .. love and blessings
@@y.peffle2802they cant, Many people who’s relation gone bad are commenting on narc video’s that there ex is a narc after 10+ years together, its a joke
Why not change the program to your liking? Blame-game is a downfall. It's always better to look closely at yourself and it is never too late to change.
This is so informative for me. The narcissist that I had in my life tried all kind of tactics after he left to engage me in his craziness and I never took the bait. Listening to this video is so much of who the narcissistic person was and all that he tried to do throughout the relationship. I was always one step ahead of him because I had some self-esteem and some self worth. The narcissistic person has since died and I am so grateful that I was able to dodge all them bullets where I'm not even grieving his death. I went no contact 3 years prior to him dying and I stayed that way and I am so grateful that I did. This video is so on point. Thank you I am a subscriber
All of this is traumatic for those who aren't prepared for the toxicity and plan to devalue and discard of Every NARCISSIST. Joy is when you are prepared and understand who you are dealing with and discard them when they start with their mess.
The most textbook version of a narcissist I have ever come across in my 28 years. The most self-centred, fake, insecure, attention/validation-seeking person I have ever met. The worst person I know and I’m not exaggerating. It makes me sick that she lives her life believing she is a decent human being. Genuinely. Zero redeeming qualities. I was tricked and conned into a relationship with her because I was naive enough to think she could love somebody enough to change, and because I have something unhealed inside me that wants connection and love so badly that I would betray myself by enduring endless abuse. Live and learn, people.
You just described my life!! I feel like you were here watching everything! After the discard and he moved in with her, I got 2 weeks silent treatment and when he finally talked to me I didn't even recognize him, he became the coldest person I've ever met.
You are so wise on this topic. I was a research assistant and went through narc abuse and you’re content resonates with me so much because you take a very logical and scientific approach. Thank you!
Thanks Tim , All that you mentioned in the Video sbout Devalue , Discard , Gaslighting , Smear Campaign happened with me and i didnt know what was going on . I'm stronger then i was few months ago , Silent treatment and not reacting is Working for me . The Narcissist Knows that I know .
The first 3 mins of this video describes my current situation. I’m working on rebuilding my finances to get the heck out of here. I had gotten out previously, but didn’t completely go no contact because of my kids. Big mistake… 15 years later and here I am. 😫
27 years with her. Ulcerative colitis, fibromyalgia, a nervous system shot to shreds, on edge, isolated, nobody believes me. I only discovered the term covert narcissist 5 months ago. All my years of questioning madness, dumbfounded belief at what I saw in her, all answered in a moment. I am severely shocked and messed up with it all, and my two sons are my world. I have no idea what to do, but whichever way, I lose. Minimal child impact is my priority, whatever happens.
Started about 6 months in with the narcissist. These videos come in so much handy even after the fact. On this subject there is always something to learn.
6 min in: Constant accusations of things I was not doing, or too-vague claims that couldnt be disproven. I’d ask for details, or evidence and got screamed at: ‘I dont need to give you details!!!’ I would resort to asking for the list of specific things I was allowed to do and specific things I was not allowed to do, ‘so that I can follow the list and keep you happy’. Still waiting for the list. When it didnt come I realized he had no desire to not be angry, nhe wanted to have or create reasons to scream at me as if he was in control.
My narcissistic sister told me once: "the one who understands you, will imprisoned you". They have no interest about real intimacy. I didn't understand it and didn't paid attention so, it took me years to get it.
not your fault. don't be harsh on yourself. narcs know how to manipulate the unsuspecting. it happened to me, too. when it happens and you catch on, you wise up, and now you'll be able to see it coming. you just got something good from a crappy situation- knowledge. wisdom. freedom. peace. keep on keepin' on.
My understanding is that hoovering is actually fawning. The narcissist is in that peacemaker/hero phase to reestablish that sense of safety because they feel empty without you (their main self-esteem juice). Basically, you are part of/all of their identity, which is why they begin mirroring you again. They completely ignore their wants, needs, pain, and anything that happened (abandoning themself altogether). It's like, "Maybe they'll love me and need me more, if I'm more like them and give them what they want." From what I've observed, the male narcissist with mother wounds will try to guilt trip you, because as a child he realized that was the only way to get mommy's attention. He may bring out parts of his inner child during this time, because again, that was how he got that attention as a child by making mommy feel guilty. However, once he has you back he will still see you as a witch/parasite like the mother that used and abandoned him as a child. Then, the cycle starts all over again. I'll keep on saying it; ENMESHMENT really needs to be looked at as the root of much of a narcissist's cycle of internal suffering and abuse of others. Maybe a self-aware narcissist can chime in here. *I am not a clinician/licensed professional
Spot on I think. It's so old how much vilification traumatised people get. Completely understand that people are angry at them and don't want to be around them but I think the oversimplification of what is actually a very complex disorder just spreads more misinformation.
@@amelie-db7gu I'm glad there are like minded people out there. In no way do I condone their behavior, but I feel like the more one understands why they do what they do, you learn to not take it so personally. A lot of the pop psychology today creates more stigma that I'd argue doesn't even help or encourage Narcissists. Despite what people say they can change, but the subconscious needs to become conscious.
@@JulesB93 love your insights on this. I think I probably have BPD so I would love to hear more of your thoughts on what makes long-term change possible. Yeah to be honest most of the people talking about these issues aren't really interested in helping them. It just seems a bit weird to make a career out of disparaging people who are nonfunctioning but in many cases still trying their best. I mostly isolate now for fear of getting stuff wrong so we could really use some encouragement out here 🤦🏻♀️
@@amelie-db7gu If you do think you have BPD, you may want to consider speaking with a licensed professional who specializes in BPD. It can be difficult for many therapists to spot in therapy, because many people with BPD can appear normal in behavior until they are triggered. I agree, I'd rather get my information from people who are self-aware and actually live with these disorders. I want to be careful what I say, because I'm not a clinician. Isolation/withdrawal in BPD is a coping mechanism to avoid perceived or imagined abandonment /rejection. I'm currently reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" Understanding the Borderline Personality by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman. It's really insightful and it might help you out.
@@JulesB93 thank you, really appreciate your thoughts and I'll add that to my read list. I don't really have the resources for therapy right now so I'm trying to work on stuff by myself. What you might find really interesting as you're up on PDs is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy - it's a very non-pathologising model that I think could really help more people if there wasn't so much shame that keeps people stuck. I was def really affected by someone with NPD so would love to hear more about your views on enmeshment if you want to share. What do you think recovery from enmeshment would look like?
This info is so on point. When do we get to read the book Tim? This is a best seller! I have got out of my relationship but it took 25yrs of trying to get out. As soon as I realised I was a Codependent I started to see the Narcissism, the gas-lighting. Once I knew what I needed to stop doing I could break the cycle. I was totally hoovered; love bombed but not anymore. Being made homeless, after a Cancer diagnosis and not helping me move was the biggest wake up call. My Mother was the other Narcissist. Estranged after my diagnosis. I am grateful the Cancer flagged up these dysfunctional toxic relationships. I have put the work in to be better stronger and healthier than before. I hope for a better future. 🙏
Dang. I see myself in some of these. Mostly the being tired ones. Single mama to a high needs son. Battled addictions, emotionally stunted, uneducated about my self I'm reparenting myself and him at the same time. At least the healing starts now. And he sees that aspect of it all too. Guess that's the silver lining. 1 thing to never have to be exposed to negativity and unhealthy behavior but it's another to see ur parent overcome it for the betterment of their kids and self. I feel it's our job to make sure each generation gets better n better.
Amazing content thank you Tim ❤ couldn’t agree more if someone won’t respect your boundaries at the start of a relationship it’s a huge red flag. Walk away.
So crazy this happens in any relationship. Im watching the videos since yesterday. This has been very helpful. In my case im not married no partner. Its the mother of my grandchildren she's not married to my son. They live together because of the children. They are not like a couple though. They ask me to move to help 3 years ago. I did its been hell ever since. She fooled me thought she was so nice. This woman was like a daughter to me. Well now i know why my son wont marry her.
That's very true. That's what happened to me. He cheated me for the 2nd time and blaming me for what happened. He wants us both discarded him and no contact at all. Now I'm moving forward, happy and dont care about him.
This is an excellent educational presentation. Very informative...!!! However, it needs to be stressed that knowledge alone will not lead to personal growth, healing, and recovery. There needs to be a definite change of behavior by the individual seeking relief. Please produce a presentation that guides an individual through the recovery procedure. Give individuals a structured program pertaining to the recovery procedure. I believe that a structured program is even of greater value than the informative presentation. Knowledge coupled with activity = recovery. Knowledge alone yields small odds for life altering recovery.
I promise.. when you've had enough, set boundaries or even go no contact they will pull all the stops. Just be prepared. Have a safe person to confide in. It's not going to be easy. It's the lowest point in my life trying to navigate EVERYTHING he just talked about. 100% it's mentally, emotionally, and physically disgusting. Just worry about today, tomorrow will take care of itself. 🙏
I am there but don't know how to move forward as I have nothing. I'm on disability and he is soul provider. I have no where to go and the gray rock only lasts so long. I've left and trying to figure how not to go back for financial reasons. Somebody pray for me..this is horrific!
She destroyed my entire life after only 6 months of dating. Thought I was going crazy. That 2.5 years ago and I’m still not emotionally in a safe place. 😢
Had a narc friend who ended the friendship by going off about how i was jealous of him. He was living off his dad while pretending to be a successful artist. I was helping run a part of his dad's company that kept his lights on.
So true. They've put you on a pedestal on purpose so they can tear you down.😢 It is always our fault and not theirs. The gaslighting, triangulation and compartmentalization is the worst.
Sadly, many folks don’t pick up on this as they are too busy serving such person while thinking the person will change.. or all other kinds of excuses, such as “I feel sorry for him, if he only stops alcohol, I know he is a good person, I can help him”… until they turn the wheel and they start devaluing the person and back and forth the cycle continues…. It just wears the other person down and lose self respect and self love.. such folks don’t change and often learned from family..
Narcs discard, it's not what a victim does to a Narc. Narcs also falsely accuse their victims of narcissism, so if you discard them, you are proving them right.
Narcissists need to ‘win’ in the give and take game they play. If the narcissist is being nice to you and giving, they need to balance that ledger and in my experience and others I speak to who have also been with a narcissist .. they will often cheat on the primary partner behind their back so that they have taken away what they gave to their primary partner. They cannot be in a position where they are giving more. Giving feels like losing to a narcissist. So be aware, if you’re married or partnered to a narcissist and they’re giving to you because you’ve asked for reciprocation, they will be balancing the ledger elsewhere so you didn’t ‘win’. It’s a very weird mindset they have. It’s sad, but if it’s going okay, it’s because they’re being fed ego kibbles by someone else. They also LOVE novelty, they get bored very quickly. But will often stay with a long term spouse who forgives endlessly for the convenience of a home and image. It’s all a con.
I lived through the mask slipping; the coldness, the cruelty. It has been a grievous wound. One that I have been recovering from for several years now. We had small kids together. The divorce showed ultimate toxicity and attempts to destroy me.
@ I was actually thinking about this last night. The mask Removal was a watershed moment in my life trajectory. It signified the death of my marriage and the obvious events that led up to the mask falling. The trauma is real. She left me with no choice.
My narcissistic fiancé went a step further, after the abuse and discard he killed himself, how do you survive that? How do you deal with the guilt, shame and unanswered questions?
I was discarded and replaced with his ex. He lied about it, of course. During discard they are cold, hostile and distant. They will flat out tell you "I don't love you." They can discard you while still living with you. Unemotional, unempathetic monsters.
I was discarded while still living with him. He hid an emotional relationship with his ex and he treated so coldly during that time.😢 They flip their personality overnight.
What's confusing is that in this world, when we are told no, we are supposed to try harder. That's how we are raised to be successful. Very confusing. I think its that people are not the same as life achievements. We are not taught the real value of relationships.
Many cultural standards are used as a opportunistic vulnerabilities by these mind predators. Experience exponentially raises recognition of affliction. Imo its controlling want, desires and letting their actions tell you who they are. Knowing baiting, triangulation and subjugation purposes.
You told my whole story to the T, he left in January, changed his number, 2 months moved in with her, and I have no address or any means to get legal separation or divorce ,stuck on stand by until she finds out who he really is!!!
What about when we are forced to leave them!? They don't always leave us. I wish he did. I had to leave, and now he says I abandoned him. He wants to get back together!???
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I ended it at THE first sign of it in the dating phase. So proud of myself.
Good job! 🎉
That is major growth!!!👏👏👏
That’s a big deal good job!
Good job!
@@nataliemesbah1639dam girls im sorry. could've been self-centeredness too
Wasn't aware of financial abuse until dealing with a narcissist. They will bankrupt you. Their financial crisis is never ending.
Yes. They. Will. 😔
NEVER ENDING.
Thanks mom. Don't say I never did anything for you
I was still in high school paying the electric, water, my insurance, and gas. She got child support that bought me nothing and paid no bills. My uncle owned the house; no rent.
YES, this happened to me!!!
Having clear boundaries from the start is the key. As soon as they start criticizing and devaluing or do things you asked them not to, it’s time to use the nearest door. Make sure to lock it behind you.
The key is to immediately end things if anyone does not respect boundaries
Exactly ! Beter alone than accepting others to do what they please with you
Thats the time people get trapped... they minimise what they did, they gaslight you, they call you insecure and controlling etc. My ex became a whore and convinced herself she was doing nothing wrong. She blamed everything on me for being angry, jealous, insecure and controlling, while she was banging 10 guys a week. And she was lying to everyone else about what she was doing. When I told people, she called the police and threatened me with harassment. Even the police supported her lies and kept me silent.
This is the best explanation of narcissistic behavior that I’ve ever seen.
Agreed.
Yes
The ending is very tough but true. They dont respect boundaries. And if you are in a vulnerable position for example being alone and lonely it is very easy to ignore the red flags and accept the love bombing. But they dont truly care about you. They give the impression of loving you and you tell yourself they love you but it is an illusion. It really messes up your mind the contradictions you get from them. Once you start loving them the confusion gets worse because they dont love you.
My "trip" with a divorcing love bomb lasted 20 years because I fell for it for 5 years, then I didn't realise the red flags because I never had heard about red flags. And I was unable to believe that somebody can lie so extremely well. Only when I saw the proof on facebook, it started to become clear. Meanwhile 6 years have passed, and finally I recognise my old me every now and then. Without G'D and Tim Fletchers videos I don't know where I would be! Showers of blessings on you, Tim Fletcher!
@@OliveWeitzelI’m going through the same, only I don’t know what I’m doing because I’m careful to admit Tim is explaining me, and personally I’m terrified in more ways than I can count that I can’t overcome my fear , I have ideas and the toolbox, application is hard.
All about the dopamine rush... fake love! I still can't escape the fake love. 2.5 years in with a BPD girlfriend. But the secret is, love yourself first! Put yourself on the pedestal! It is a one-sided relationship, see yourself as single, and find someone else.
@@geoffreybester7953 "Put yourself on the pedestal" love it.👍🙂
That’s what happened to me. I was in a bad marriage. I didn’t have much support. And narcissist have a radar for that. And of course I was loved bombed but very slowly overtime. It’s just difficult for people that are vulnerable which can be any of us at some point in our life. And then these deceitful toxic people get into your life. In my opinion, no contact is the best way to go.
Thank you.
My ex-wife and her family took everything from me. I’m past it, now, but it is very helpful to hear you narrate my story so that I can see and understand how it all went down.
They took my financial security away from me. Still, I’m better off and am thankful that they no longer hold any power over me. I tried to warn my now ex-wife’s live-in boyfriend, but, of course, he wasn’t having it. I tried. In the future, he will come to realize that my warning was true. But my ex-wife will have already destroyed him in her mother’s and sister’s minds. And because they know better than to question her, they will join in with her as she runs him off.
These narcissists are destroyers.
That’s the whole point ❤️🩹 so don’t stick around to let their whole clan to feed off your carcass 🤦♀️ it’s a different type of energy vampire unique to the human race to nowhere 🤷♀️ extinction is too good for them but revenge is beyond us… it’s Divine & their issues are above our pay grade ✨
@@user-mx3kh8rj1t sad, but true!
What I learned (once I realised my partner was a Narc and abandoned me) is ASK QUESTIONS. If your gut is telling you ‘something’s up’, rely on it and probe, probe, probe until you get answers so you won’t waste years of your life like I did. If he’s evasive, stalls and - like my ex did - answers your question with “how do you mean?” (giving him time to formulate an answer), dump the idiot and let him drown in his lies.
Yes I got out quick when things started to change. Proud of myself too but annoyed I got caught up at all.
Sadly most of us have to go many rounds with the same or different kinds of narcissism until we learn that we cannot change the lie that they’ve sold us 🤦♀️ if a narcissist truly tried to change it wouldn’t be for you, but for their inner child who got stuck @ 2 so long ago 🤷♀️ it’s above your pay grade, folks!
I mean yeah that's true but also that's kind of the only reason anyone should change - for themself to improve their own life. I don't think people with NPD are really looking for romantic relationships at all, hence they have to eventually end.
For me one time was enough. I now recognize the signs and what they can lead to. I rather stay alone and lonely then to go for another round to prevent more damage.
Hoovering after you discarded them has also more or less hidden vindictive energy because they lost control over you when you walked away from narcissist. They need to get it back and punish you for such a 'crime'.
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims.
NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's.
However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you.
They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!!
Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com .
This is 1000% my soon to be ex wife, described in FULL detail, I had to copy your entire comment to save for later. I’ve spent the past 2 months deep diving into narcissistic abuse, control, manipulation, ect.
I endured devaluation, moodiness, odd personality disorders, BPD I wasn’t told about, isolation disguised as “issues” with family members & a strange need to “keep our circle small” or our “lives private”, mental health problems, drug addiction, silent treatment, bread crumbing, her “need” for me to care for her entirely disguised as ambiguous health/stomach issues, gaslighting, withholding intimacy, lying….I was miserable & had next to no idea how much abuse I really was enduring until she discarded me & I looked back through the lense with my therapist who is an absolute angel.
Dr. Ramani is also an incredible source of wisdom on narcissistic abuse. I just bought her book. I’ve learned so much already.
Thank you for your comment caralee! You eloquently nailed nearly everything victims of this type of insidious abuse endure, but there is hope! There is escape, healing & a light at the end of the tunnel! ❤
Both the vid and this comment described my marriage so specifically it's scary.
I rejected him for 3 years and then was with him for 3 weeks and left him immediately😂 I already knew these patterns from my parents, so I'm immune to these games. It hurt a lot and was very hard but I am incredibly proud of myself.
You kept him around for 3 years for what?
@@nickthompson1812 I said no to him. All the time. And then I gave him a chance and left him after 3 weeks. I am not an idiot to play his idiotic childish games. I am fed up with immature adults. My parents were enough. Enough is enough. Let me guess you are a narcissist too. You are gaslighting me. Everyone has the instructions for use to narcissists the game is over for you.
Sounds like you are the narcissist
@Sadune85 GREAT!! Best move.
Married twice to narcs. One grandiose and one passive aggressive. 25 years with the first and to date 23 years with the second. Both cheated. Repeatedly.
Neither was worth it.
Looking forward to a new life soon at 65 years old, ALONE.
While they are courting you, be aware they are also courting others at the same time, often sending the exact same messages and photos to different people. Any attention is good to them. They will get on dating apps all over the world, just to get attention. They are lying to everyone.
True words
That's what happened to me 😢
Especially themselves
Or they are still in a relationship that you are unaware of.
Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This I Needed To Hear This I Am A Victim Of Narcissitic Abuse This Person Has Ruined My Life My Self Confidence Self Worth And Self Esteem. I'm In Total Devaluation After Yrs Of Emotional Abuse and Psychological Abuse. I Was Discarded Cruelly The Narcissit Has Nothing to do with Me As If I Never Existed This Is What Is Keeping Me Stuck. IM Struggling to Detach I'm Severly Depressed. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS BRUTAL...
❤️🩹 he never existed at all… it was just a lie that he couldn’t perpetuate & that means everything he says is also just a lie 🤦♀️ plz believe neither who he was or what he tried to sell you or the public 🤷♀️ it’s just nonsense & all these freeloading toddlers should be sent back to another mother !
I'm so so sorry 😢 I can feel you because I'm in the same situation. Excuse my bad English I'm from Germany. I'm completely devastated and don't want to live anymore the pain is unbearable. Much love from Brigitte ❤
I experience the same. I actually had to live with her a few months & she acted like we wasn’t just together 12 years. She Got in another relationship & I had to endure all of that under the same roof. I am thankful to know Jesus because I am better off! I am actually happy with the rejection because I was too weak for a long time. Seek God, he is our comforter & healer
It's a long road, but you are now on the right path! Watch the videos, read the books, don't be lazy. Read the book 6 pillars of self stheem, watch Tim's videos and live!
I am so there myself❤I hate it for you because you keep trying to find your worth in them and they will never give it to you! You ARE worth it❣️
After a horrific r’ship that broke my mind & body I had to step back and look at my own maladaptive coping strategies/ insecure attachment style that had me behaving in the most insane ways 💔
Absolutely, they never look at nor deal with their stuff.😢
it is sad. Life could had been so much better for everyone involved if they would only be honest to themselves and do some work. But they walk away and repeat the cycles of doom with someone else and someone else and...
Orbiting and PROXIMITY and hoovering tactics are very very real.
I knew when my parents apologized they give me gifts, gifts from narcs aren't gifts. so I knew his flowers meant an apology not a gift.
Today I'm still alive because I avoided the guy scene. I kept my art and medical care safe.
She took my selfworth, my sanity and many other things. But she never got my money. and it really pissed her of everytime I said no. Lucky for me I only spent 2 years in the narc loop. But I am thankful now that I met her. Because I have really grown and my traumahealing is going great. My heart goes out to people still stuck in this pain loop. it isn't easy
Tim is amazing.
The sad fact is most of us will be listening to this in hindsight. The good news is you’ll have been through the storm and to the other side !
Keep going people.
I’ve learned so much from Tim Fletcher. He has helped me in so many ways.
Holy sh*t! I feel like you’ve been reading my journal 😳 One of the best explanations that describes my experience. Thank you 🙏
Same here 👌
Ended it, no contact, at all. 7 years ago, best thing I ever stuck to.
This guy has completely and accurately spelled it all out! I've never heard it so perfectly described as what this man described.
Married 30 years to a covert narcissist. I always saw "bad behavior" or a temper but it wasn't until I was 48 (I'm now 54) that I dug deep and discovered who I'm contending with. The chronic lying about everything and anything, the selfish behavior, the disrespect, the walking on eggshells and if you don't, the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde rages. I think I'm in a discarded phase. Does the cheating have to be a person? Can it be something they replace you with?
All things being equal- It’s important to also acknowledge and examine how narcissistic tendencies and full blown narcissism show up in women.
I put up with a narcissist, (before people began learning about these type people), for several years because I loved him.
Then one day I looked at him and realized I was in love with a facade, not him. In that moment I mentally and emotionally divorced him. Shortly after I made it legal.
I feel you. When women check out mentally, it's over forever and there's nothing else to do
This is where I am...! I feel like I'm drowning!
🎯
I went no contact in 2006 .. it was on my terms .. so fast forward to giving a chance to my mother 16 years later and she made sure it was abandonment on her terms … it was an annihilating smear campaign; well 2 years on from that and now I support people who have gone no contact and want to heal .. love and blessings
Go with the facts not the feelings
I totally agree with the no contact or gray rock advice. I wish I had encountered this man's teaching years ago.
It started 5 months after we got married. We had been together for 16 years. Finally married and it didn’t last 10 months.
there were no signs all those years ? how can a person seem their crazy under the rug that long ?
@@y.peffle2802it’s like a switch flips. Something happens. The rush, the chase, the desire to be conquered or understood is now over.
😂 sure, narcs are born as narc or become 1 in early childhood cause of abuse. Not after 16 years lol.
@@y.peffle2802they cant,
Many people who’s relation gone bad are commenting on narc video’s that there ex is a narc after 10+ years together, its a joke
10 years, plus one of fake reconciliation and the worst treatment of all. Marriage lasted less than 2 years.
Sucess is when these talks only conjure up distant memories and contentment being untethered to poison, manipulated or under constant coercion.
Thank you, Tim.
Family of origin, and then my husband... I was well and truly programmed.
They trained us to fail in life.
@@Lyrielonwindthen blame us for it.
Same. Sucks.
Why not change the program to your liking? Blame-game is a downfall. It's always better to look closely at yourself and it is never too late to change.
This is so informative for me. The narcissist that I had in my life tried all kind of tactics after he left to engage me in his craziness and I never took the bait. Listening to this video is so much of who the narcissistic person was and all that he tried to do throughout the relationship. I was always one step ahead of him because I had some self-esteem and some self worth. The narcissistic person has since died and I am so grateful that I was able to dodge all them bullets where I'm not even grieving his death. I went no contact 3 years prior to him dying and I stayed that way and I am so grateful that I did. This video is so on point. Thank you I am a subscriber
All of this is traumatic for those who aren't prepared for the toxicity and plan to devalue and discard of Every NARCISSIST. Joy is when you are prepared and understand who you are dealing with and discard them when they start with their mess.
The most textbook version of a narcissist I have ever come across in my 28 years. The most self-centred, fake, insecure, attention/validation-seeking person I have ever met. The worst person I know and I’m not exaggerating. It makes me sick that she lives her life believing she is a decent human being. Genuinely. Zero redeeming qualities. I was tricked and conned into a relationship with her because I was naive enough to think she could love somebody enough to change, and because I have something unhealed inside me that wants connection and love so badly that I would betray myself by enduring endless abuse. Live and learn, people.
You just described my life!! I feel like you were here watching everything! After the discard and he moved in with her, I got 2 weeks silent treatment and when he finally talked to me I didn't even recognize him, he became the coldest person I've ever met.
My favorite person in the whole wide world. and I will always love, Tim Fletcher.
Class of 2021.
This should be taught in a life skills class in highschool. This playbook always happens to a tee with these demons.
Yes! This is exactly what happened
Wow, exactly.. you’re talking about my experience again..
You are so wise on this topic. I was a research assistant and went through narc abuse and you’re content resonates with me so much because you take a very logical and scientific approach. Thank you!
Gray rocking and no contact method works wonders. Yes, I wont respond to hovering thank you!🙏🤗❤️💯💯💯
Thanks Tim , All that you mentioned in the Video sbout Devalue , Discard , Gaslighting , Smear Campaign happened with me and i didnt know what was going on . I'm stronger then i was few months ago , Silent treatment and not reacting is Working for me . The Narcissist Knows that I know .
The first 3 mins of this video describes my current situation. I’m working on rebuilding my finances to get the heck out of here. I had gotten out previously, but didn’t completely go no contact because of my kids. Big mistake… 15 years later and here I am. 😫
27 years with her. Ulcerative colitis, fibromyalgia, a nervous system shot to shreds, on edge, isolated, nobody believes me. I only discovered the term covert narcissist 5 months ago.
All my years of questioning madness, dumbfounded belief at what I saw in her, all answered in a moment.
I am severely shocked and messed up with it all, and my two sons are my world. I have no idea what to do, but whichever way, I lose.
Minimal child impact is my priority, whatever happens.
Started about 6 months in with the narcissist. These videos come in so much handy even after the fact. On this subject there is always something to learn.
6 min in: Constant accusations of things I was not doing, or too-vague claims that couldnt be disproven. I’d ask for details, or evidence and got screamed at: ‘I dont need to give you details!!!’ I would resort to asking for the list of specific things I was allowed to do and specific things I was not allowed to do, ‘so that I can follow the list and keep you happy’. Still waiting for the list. When it didnt come I realized he had no desire to not be angry, nhe wanted to have or create reasons to scream at me as if he was in control.
My narcissistic sister told me once: "the one who understands you, will imprisoned you". They have no interest about real intimacy. I didn't understand it and didn't paid attention so, it took me years to get it.
What’s interesting is you have rules to follow but they don’t!
I had lists, too! All things I was expected to do or never do. 😅
Very enlightening lecture, Sir! I agree with all your perspectives and solutions for the victim.
You described my almost 19 years in a nutshell!!! I still cannot believe I was so DUMB 😪
not your fault. don't be harsh on yourself. narcs know how to manipulate the unsuspecting. it happened to me, too. when it happens and you catch on, you wise up, and now you'll be able to see it coming. you just got something good from a crappy situation- knowledge. wisdom. freedom. peace.
keep on keepin' on.
Thank you @@rongermanjr
This is just brilliant. Concise and direct 👏🏽👏🏽
I wish I’d known this a long time ago.. Could’ve saved my life if I understood, but I have a feeling I would not have understood
My understanding is that hoovering is actually fawning. The narcissist is in that peacemaker/hero phase to reestablish that sense of safety because they feel empty without you (their main self-esteem juice). Basically, you are part of/all of their identity, which is why they begin mirroring you again. They completely ignore their wants, needs, pain, and anything that happened (abandoning themself altogether). It's like, "Maybe they'll love me and need me more, if I'm more like them and give them what they want."
From what I've observed, the male narcissist with mother wounds will try to guilt trip you, because as a child he realized that was the only way to get mommy's attention. He may bring out parts of his inner child during this time, because again, that was how he got that attention as a child by making mommy feel guilty. However, once he has you back he will still see you as a witch/parasite like the mother that used and abandoned him as a child. Then, the cycle starts all over again.
I'll keep on saying it; ENMESHMENT really needs to be looked at as the root of much of a narcissist's cycle of internal suffering and abuse of others. Maybe a self-aware narcissist can chime in here.
*I am not a clinician/licensed professional
Spot on I think. It's so old how much vilification traumatised people get. Completely understand that people are angry at them and don't want to be around them but I think the oversimplification of what is actually a very complex disorder just spreads more misinformation.
@@amelie-db7gu I'm glad there are like minded people out there. In no way do I condone their behavior, but I feel like the more one understands why they do what they do, you learn to not take it so personally. A lot of the pop psychology today creates more stigma that I'd argue doesn't even help or encourage Narcissists. Despite what people say they can change, but the subconscious needs to become conscious.
@@JulesB93 love your insights on this. I think I probably have BPD so I would love to hear more of your thoughts on what makes long-term change possible. Yeah to be honest most of the people talking about these issues aren't really interested in helping them. It just seems a bit weird to make a career out of disparaging people who are nonfunctioning but in many cases still trying their best. I mostly isolate now for fear of getting stuff wrong so we could really use some encouragement out here 🤦🏻♀️
@@amelie-db7gu If you do think you have BPD, you may want to consider speaking with a licensed professional who specializes in BPD. It can be difficult for many therapists to spot in therapy, because many people with BPD can appear normal in behavior until they are triggered. I agree, I'd rather get my information from people who are self-aware and actually live with these disorders. I want to be careful what I say, because I'm not a clinician. Isolation/withdrawal in BPD is a coping mechanism to avoid perceived or imagined abandonment /rejection. I'm currently reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" Understanding the Borderline Personality by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman. It's really insightful and it might help you out.
@@JulesB93 thank you, really appreciate your thoughts and I'll add that to my read list. I don't really have the resources for therapy right now so I'm trying to work on stuff by myself. What you might find really interesting as you're up on PDs is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy - it's a very non-pathologising model that I think could really help more people if there wasn't so much shame that keeps people stuck. I was def really affected by someone with NPD so would love to hear more about your views on enmeshment if you want to share. What do you think recovery from enmeshment would look like?
GOD BLESS You for EXPAINING this COMPLEX Emotional and Everything Else Life quandary. THANKS!!
Absolutely true. Every word is 100 percent true. Excellent video. Thank You.
I'm speechless. This is my brother and how he treated me all these years 😮
First sentence in- I stopped what I was doing. Thank you for this video.
Financially devastated. Feel like a zero. I'm so depressed.
Hang in there baby❤️
Please please stay free
This info is so on point. When do we get to read the book Tim? This is a best seller!
I have got out of my relationship but it took 25yrs of trying to get out. As soon as I realised I was a Codependent I started to see the Narcissism, the gas-lighting. Once I knew what I needed to stop doing I could break the cycle. I was totally hoovered; love bombed but not anymore. Being made homeless, after a Cancer diagnosis and not helping me move was the biggest wake up call. My Mother was the other Narcissist. Estranged after my diagnosis. I am grateful the Cancer flagged up these dysfunctional toxic relationships. I have put the work in to be better stronger and healthier than before. I hope for a better future. 🙏
This is so spot on!!
Dang. I see myself in some of these. Mostly the being tired ones. Single mama to a high needs son. Battled addictions, emotionally stunted, uneducated about my self I'm reparenting myself and him at the same time. At least the healing starts now. And he sees that aspect of it all too. Guess that's the silver lining. 1 thing to never have to be exposed to negativity and unhealthy behavior but it's another to see ur parent overcome it for the betterment of their kids and self. I feel it's our job to make sure each generation gets better n better.
Amazing content thank you Tim ❤ couldn’t agree more if someone won’t respect your boundaries at the start of a relationship it’s a huge red flag. Walk away.
My ex boyfriend did this for years and I finally broke free!
Yes, ten years for me; finally ghosted and went no contact two weeks ago.
Free!! Free, free!!
@suzanne4396 it been over 3 years of no contact and I don't regret it at all. Stay strong
YESTim….you nailed it..110%!
0 power ✔️
0 self esteem ✔️
Doubt Doubt Doubt to insanity.
So crazy this happens in any relationship. Im watching the videos since yesterday. This has been very helpful. In my case im not married no partner. Its the mother of my grandchildren she's not married to my son. They live together because of the children. They are not like a couple though. They ask me to move to help 3 years ago. I did its been hell ever since. She fooled me thought she was so nice. This woman was like a daughter to me. Well now i know why my son wont marry her.
Its like you were there watching. .......
Fabulous explanation!
That's very true. That's what happened to me. He cheated me for the 2nd time and blaming me for what happened. He wants us both discarded him and no contact at all. Now I'm moving forward, happy and dont care about him.
This is an excellent educational presentation. Very informative...!!! However, it needs to be stressed that knowledge alone will not lead to personal growth, healing, and recovery. There needs to be a definite change of behavior by the individual seeking relief. Please produce a presentation that guides an individual through the recovery procedure. Give individuals a structured program pertaining to the recovery procedure. I believe that a structured program is even of greater value than the informative presentation. Knowledge coupled with activity = recovery. Knowledge alone yields small odds for life altering recovery.
He has. He has an extension line of “Reparenting” videos.
I commented wayyyyy to quickly the first time
Everything he said in this video is spot on!
Outstanding video.
I promise.. when you've had enough, set boundaries or even go no contact they will pull all the stops. Just be prepared. Have a safe person to confide in. It's not going to be easy. It's the lowest point in my life trying to navigate EVERYTHING he just talked about. 100% it's mentally, emotionally, and physically disgusting. Just worry about today, tomorrow will take care of itself. 🙏
I am there but don't know how to move forward as I have nothing. I'm on disability and he is soul provider. I have no where to go and the gray rock only lasts so long. I've left and trying to figure how not to go back for financial reasons. Somebody pray for me..this is horrific!
She destroyed my entire life after only 6 months of dating. Thought I was going crazy. That 2.5 years ago and I’m still not emotionally in a safe place. 😢
its hell ... i cant wait til the divorce... i am NEVER LOOKING BACK🙏
Wow literally this is what happened
I can kind of see this but at the same time. We have a kid together, I’ve chosen it’s best go no contact. I love him too much right now to see him.
Ask yourself: Does he love you ? And I bet you ll find no answer for the question,cuz the love is never suposed to be painful !
Had a narc friend who ended the friendship by going off about how i was jealous of him.
He was living off his dad while pretending to be a successful artist. I was helping run a part of his dad's company that kept his lights on.
So true. They've put you on a pedestal on purpose so they can tear you down.😢
It is always our fault and not theirs.
The gaslighting, triangulation and compartmentalization is the worst.
Spot on Mr. Fletcher!!!!
Sadly, many folks don’t pick up on this as they are too busy serving such person while thinking the person will change.. or all other kinds of excuses, such as “I feel sorry for him, if he only stops alcohol, I know he is a good person, I can help him”… until they turn the wheel and they start devaluing the person and back and forth the cycle continues…. It just wears the other person down and lose self respect and self love.. such folks don’t change and often learned from family..
I’ve said “it’s done” for the last 8 months. I know I want out and I need the back bone to not allow him back. I honestly feel ashamed
Right on the money.
Narcs discard, it's not what a victim does to a Narc. Narcs also falsely accuse their victims of narcissism, so if you discard them, you are proving them right.
Damn this is insightful…and true.
Why is this so accurate 😢
Cannot believe people exist who are like this.
Narcissists need to ‘win’ in the give and take game they play. If the narcissist is being nice to you and giving, they need to balance that ledger and in my experience and others I speak to who have also been with a narcissist .. they will often cheat on the primary partner behind their back so that they have taken away what they gave to their primary partner. They cannot be in a position where they are giving more. Giving feels like losing to a narcissist.
So be aware, if you’re married or partnered to a narcissist and they’re giving to you because you’ve asked for reciprocation, they will be balancing the ledger elsewhere so you didn’t ‘win’. It’s a very weird mindset they have. It’s sad, but if it’s going okay, it’s because they’re being fed ego kibbles by someone else.
They also LOVE novelty, they get bored very quickly. But will often stay with a long term spouse who forgives endlessly for the convenience of a home and image. It’s all a con.
I lived through the mask slipping; the coldness, the cruelty.
It has been a grievous wound. One that I have been recovering from for several years now.
We had small kids together. The divorce showed ultimate toxicity and attempts to destroy me.
Did they fight for the kids
The mask slipping during the devalue and discard is very traumatizing. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Loving to cold and distant.
@ I was actually thinking about this last night. The mask Removal was a watershed moment in my life trajectory. It signified the death of my marriage and the obvious events that led up to the mask falling. The trauma is real. She left me with no choice.
On point 💯 👌🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you for this explanation Tim🙏🏻❤️
My narcissistic fiancé went a step further, after the abuse and discard he killed himself, how do you survive that? How do you deal with the guilt, shame and unanswered questions?
Those are questions for his parents, not you.
Thank you
He told me during the hoover "you say you hate me, so you must love me." Such twisted people.
Philosophy showed me the truth when I was discarted.
I was discarded and replaced with his ex. He lied about it, of course. During discard they are cold, hostile and distant. They will flat out tell you "I don't love you."
They can discard you while still living with you. Unemotional, unempathetic monsters.
I was discarded while still living with him. He hid an emotional relationship with his ex and he treated so coldly during that time.😢
They flip their personality overnight.
What's confusing is that in this world, when we are told no, we are supposed to try harder. That's how we are raised to be successful. Very confusing. I think its that people are not the same as life achievements. We are not taught the real value of relationships.
Many cultural standards are used as a opportunistic vulnerabilities by these mind predators. Experience exponentially raises recognition of affliction. Imo its controlling want, desires and letting their actions tell you who they are. Knowing baiting, triangulation and subjugation purposes.
You just described my last marriage.
You told my whole story to the T, he left in January, changed his number, 2 months moved in with her, and I have no address or any means to get legal separation or divorce ,stuck on stand by until she finds out who he really is!!!
What about when we are forced to leave them!? They don't always leave us. I wish he did. I had to leave, and now he says I abandoned him. He wants to get back together!???