School itself drove me to burnout, the system made me even smaller. The older I get the less I am me, the less confidence I have. Creativity and playfulness has been figuratively been beaten out of me. I guess it's my fault of expecting some mental health from the mental health system living in the richest countries in the world and all, my bad, I should've known that the mental health system is there to destroy mental health. Screw health and happiness, and freedom I guess. Soon I'll have a chance to confront them with it, maybe that will help with my confidence. Being in my 30's and not even having be able to start with life is soul crushing. It's okay to be autistic, even if the system and people around you say it isn't, you don't have to be fixed, you only have to become the sapient and authentic version of yourself. Just be your weird 'ol self.
I was seen as confident and even intimidating before I knew I was autistic. I had absolutely no comprehension of how that could be true given the reality of constant anxiety inside my head 😂. I was 100% just entirely masked faking it till i felt like i could make it. Now i know its changed everything about how i feel being me. It makes me feel so much more... understood just to know. Love the new content x
I like laws and rules until it feels like I won’t be able to remember them all! Ofc lots of autistic people are great drivers, but I can imagine myself forgetting some really important things in a way that would definitely be a safety hazard!
@@DanaAndersen I try my best, I'm not a bad driver. Most things can be overwhelming to me socially but there is something about driving that makes me feel a little more "Normal" I guess. Being on the road has always calmed me though. I wasn't the kid that called out cool things I saw; I was the kid that asked weird questions about how everything worked. Following rules and laws makes me feel like I fit in better but I must admit as I get older I find most people don't care about most rules and I'm lost yet again with a habitual flaw. Oh well, I'm gonna drive now.
@@aaacomp1 Quite often yes, mainly because I refuse to be bossed around in my own car. I follow all rules of the road but entitled Karens seem to be plentiful in my city
Ugh my Uber rating as a rider is 4.38 :( I didn't think that was bad but now I'm hearing that anything below a 4.5 is bad...idk why mine is so low. I'm polite, I don't smell, I say thank you...I just don't talk much during the rides at all...everyone seemed nice but I have 11 Five stars and 2 one star ratings. :(
I tried to do a driving test 3 times and failed, I'm 28...so yeah i get your thing about not being confident in my abilities, but with time I've gotten much better self confidence in myself. You are so strong for everything you've been through! ❤
you're not alone but at least you tried i'm 52 and i have never even tried to learn because i am confident i would either kill myself or someone else i had 😂
@@myhoose90I am 48 and I never learned either. Last time I practiced I almost hit a homeless man who came out unexpectedly from behind a dumpster in an empty parking lot. So it is probably best I don't drive.
It's so annoying when other people suggest having confidence is just as simple as flicking a switch or come out with banal "motivational" statements like "Believe in yourself and you can do anything". Confidence is very hard to develop and as you suggest it is built on success, good experiences and feeling genuinely valued. When people lack confidence it's a perfectly understandable - indeed rational - response to past failures, bad experiences and feeling rejected or unvalued. A particularly unpleasant aspect of these "motivational" statements about confidence is they then blame someone for failing, suggesting it's just a problem of "attitude". The unconfident anxious person who expresses concerns is often dismissed as "being negative", "defeatist", etc. Genuinely addressing their concerns, giving them the skills and opportunities to succeed and making them feel properly included are far better approaches.
13:00 it took me many years to drive. Everything you’ve said about moving boxes and tests is extremely relatable, for years I thought I was the only one that couldn’t conceive of driving (I came of age in NYC so it was non-essential to drive) I got my learners permit early; I’d suggest just getting that and then consider the license and all that jazz later. It took me no less than 10 years to get my actual drivers license and I barely drove but I felt like I sort of could help someone in an emergency if they had a heart attack behind the wheel, I’d be able to get them to the emergency room. I learned with nicotine and a Sinatra/Dean Martin playlist that I curated and repeated. First I drove only 3 blocks to the same place over and over. Actually, first I just sat in the car and chainsmoked 😂 then over the years….. anyways, I’m happy to report I drove a manual transmission (which I found a bit easier to drive than automatic) across the country with a friend! Now I drive my very own car and it’s a bit nice, I still surprise myself every time I pull out of the parking spot and get on the freeway. My unsolicited advice is to get the permit, and maybe in a decade you’ll be ready but don’t limit yourself! I think the music and the nicotine helped me make a groove in the brain… if just chant “mambo Italiano, hey Mambo….” And turn the wheel and just drive the same little residential neighborhood until all of the grooves came to together. I took drivers Ed in School so I had the logistics down (traffick rules) but I was terrified of the moving box, but Overcome we Must! 😅
I have my ‘provisional’ license, so I could legally drive a car provided I’m on the insurance and accompanied by someone who’s had a full license for a while, and I’m sure I’ll get there at some point, but I think it’ll definitely take a decade or so 😂 Always so glad to hear people have had such similar struggles and fears and managed to over comes them, and well done for doing so!
i feel this so much, hsving had my confidence crushed during childhood. it takers so long to heal from even if you know it's not grounded in reality. also with regards to not being able to drive, that's not a big deal. given the climate crisis, the less people driving, the better.
Its only as I reached my mid 20’s I fully realised how many of my issues and the things I’m trying to heal tie directly back to my childhood, it’s just such an impactful time and so many of us weren’t shown the kindness we needed! Totally with you that it’s better given the climate, but on a personal level I’d be able to get out and do a lot more if I could drive, rather than the anxiety of public transport! I also totally wouldn’t be able to afford a car though, so it doesn’t really make much difference 😂
I always planned on learning how to drive. I missed driver's Ed in highschool because I was in the hospital. I am 48 and I never had money for a car so I never learned as an adult either. Oh well.
Oh my god this has been the exact same for me! Also had a very similar experience when i audition for a school musical, everyone was cast except me and i thought id done alright. I was always in school plays before that and told how good i was, but i think this teacher made it so i was the only one not cast because of my autism not my ability to act. It really destroyed my confidence for acting after that. I used to go to drama school and got told i didnt have the confidence, but whrn ever i showed confidence i was told i was doing everything wrong...
OMG, same for me on the driving. I have no confidence that I could deal with the inter-vehicular social aspects, pay attention to the right things, and deal with inevitable unpredictability. And the fact that it's a big speedy metal box that could hurt people.... aaaaaaaah! I'm in my mid-thirties and haven't even tried to learn. And cars are expensive. I'll just stick to the public transit that is... good enough for most of my purposes. I think confidence in my own abilities is one of the aspects that made me stop painting. I was good at it, but not as good as I wanted to be in the way that I wanted to be, and couldn't muster up the energy to work on it enough to improve (I thought I had depression, but am now wondering if it was burnout?). That and people started perceiving me for my art and that gave me the big heebie-jeebies.... oh... especially since I'm not as good as I wanted to be. Thank you so much for the videos.
I think the only way to improve confidence is just to keep bashing through life and trying not to think about it, and hopefully with enough time and enough exposure to putting ourselves out there that confidence then grows. It’s hard when you’ve been told you’re a sub-par human your entire life, though :( I don’t know if it’s helpful at all but just in case: Dana you might remember about me that I’m in a band? Been writing songs all my life too and still think it’s a fluke every single time when someone tells me I’ve written a good one. From reading the other comments it seems this low confidence in our abilities is really common for us autistics, so going forward I’m going to try and keep that in mind about my own output. Just because I don’t have any confidence in it, doesn’t mean others feel the same way! Anyway just wanted to comment to encourage you to continue writing songs and playing them for whoever you feel you can, even if that’s just for you.
You’re doing great. I rarely post videos, or images, of myself on social media, but when I do…I do it for myself. If others see it, fine, but it’s for me. Never my voice though. I don’t like my voice. Alcohol induces bravery. Public speaking makes my mind go blank, and I never knew why.
I haven't been diagnosed but I'm wondering about it. While I was growing up I assumed that I was weak and pathetic compared with everyone else. Other kids seemed to just cope better with things. These days I'm confident in the things I can do, like my job, but socially I'm still clueless. Working with people is fine, but chatting with them is impossible!
I was confident to start with, and I remained confident for a long time no matter how much other people tried to put me down. As I entered college, people got a lot more pushy with me and started making up reasons to be upset at me or to say that my accomplishments weren't as good as they were. This started impacting my confidence, but I continued pushing through. Things just kept on escalating. Everything about me was somehow wrong. I maintained the belief that it was everyone else who was in the wrong, and I still believe that, but years of abuse and years of harsh medications making me more vulnerable to stress and messing with my mind in other ways has been wearing me down. It turned out that people didn't want me to succeed. They wanted me to be normal. For most of my time in school, nearly every grade I got was a 100. That wasn't normal. My parents wanted me to be a C average student because that was more normal. When I was in the psych wards, staff kept pointing out that the patients weren't normal as though that were some sort of conclusive point that proved that every complaint the staff had about the patients was correct. I regularly proved their stance wrong, but they refused to accept it. I have somehow consistently always been in the wrong simply for believing that it is worth it to be my true self. For not letting other people decide the kind of person I am no matter how hard they beat me down. It's at the point where even the way I talk, the way I write, or the way I rest is somehow wrong. I still believe in myself. I still have hope for the future. And I refuse to stop believing in that future. But I also acknowledge that I've been running on fumes for many years now.
Okay, you've been uncannily helpful with this one, so I hope I can go some way reciprocating that, with this here: About that driving a car. Have you tried playing video games at all? I think maybe the one thing that made me realize I could drive a car (other than that one day when I magically discovered I could ride a bike when I was ten) was getting behind the wheel in an empty parking lot and realizing it felt exactly like piloting stuff in the video games I grew up playing. So, like, if dispraxia isn't a thing for you and it's just about the confidence, then maybe starting a training program using a video game what pressures you in a structured way could help. The recommend that jumped to my mind was the original Armored Core, but I expect anything that feels like moving a tank or robot could do it, so long as you have some community around you to encourage you, do it with you, and generally help you get good. Today, I think it's mostly about connecting that overwhelming thing, whatever it may be, to some daunting challenge that one knows one can eventually grow to meet and exceed. #adviceimspoutingbecauseiprobablyneedtohearit
I'm starting to re-familiarize myself with the notion that I'm not, actually, a cruel and talentless person. I do my best to be a good person, and I know deep down I have certain talents because the only consistent respect I've gotten throughout life has been due to those talents. I know I can sing because the only person who's ever told me I'm bad at it was my abuser. At school, talent show season was the only time people left me alone, since I had something to showcase. I'm trying to get that confidence back with my writing and art. I'm not ready to be confident out in the world yet, so I'm trying to start with myself. You are a very kind and uplifting person - that is a truth about you, Dana. :)
I was confident child as well. I was not shy most of the time. But abuse and life has reduced my confidence. I was quiet in high school but I am not shy now. But I am not confident either. I know that I am a pretty good artist. But I don't feel like doing art that much anymore. Isn't that ironic. I hope I get out of not enjoying things.
i literally just realized---I've never understood what "think outside the box" really means. Like, I think I sort of assumed I knew what it meant, but now, I actually get it 😂 All I can think of when i hear that phrase is a page from a Skippyjohn Jones book, where he's actually sitting outside the litterbox to think. Haha I never thought I had a problem with metaphors...the "box" means something like social norms 😅oh my god...
School itself drove me to burnout, the system made me even smaller. The older I get the less I am me, the less confidence I have. Creativity and playfulness has been figuratively been beaten out of me. I guess it's my fault of expecting some mental health from the mental health system living in the richest countries in the world and all, my bad, I should've known that the mental health system is there to destroy mental health. Screw health and happiness, and freedom I guess. Soon I'll have a chance to confront them with it, maybe that will help with my confidence. Being in my 30's and not even having be able to start with life is soul crushing. It's okay to be autistic, even if the system and people around you say it isn't, you don't have to be fixed, you only have to become the sapient and authentic version of yourself. Just be your weird 'ol self.
I was seen as confident and even intimidating before I knew I was autistic. I had absolutely no comprehension of how that could be true given the reality of constant anxiety inside my head 😂. I was 100% just entirely masked faking it till i felt like i could make it. Now i know its changed everything about how i feel being me. It makes me feel so much more... understood just to know. Love the new content x
thanks for this. I think it's horrible how quiet people are oppressed and ridiculed and picked on in Western cultures. it's inexcusable
Laws and Rules help my confidence, especially with driving, unfortunately it doesn't help socially. I drive Uber/Lyft. 4.77 stars
I like laws and rules until it feels like I won’t be able to remember them all! Ofc lots of autistic people are great drivers, but I can imagine myself forgetting some really important things in a way that would definitely be a safety hazard!
@@DanaAndersen I try my best, I'm not a bad driver. Most things can be overwhelming to me socially but there is something about driving that makes me feel a little more "Normal" I guess. Being on the road has always calmed me though. I wasn't the kid that called out cool things I saw; I was the kid that asked weird questions about how everything worked. Following rules and laws makes me feel like I fit in better but I must admit as I get older I find most people don't care about most rules and I'm lost yet again with a habitual flaw. Oh well, I'm gonna drive now.
ouch, 4.77 is pretty low. What are the usual remarks being left about you? Not polite?
@@aaacomp1 Quite often yes, mainly because I refuse to be bossed around in my own car. I follow all rules of the road but entitled Karens seem to be plentiful in my city
Ugh my Uber rating as a rider is 4.38 :( I didn't think that was bad but now I'm hearing that anything below a 4.5 is bad...idk why mine is so low. I'm polite, I don't smell, I say thank you...I just don't talk much during the rides at all...everyone seemed nice but I have 11 Five stars and 2 one star ratings. :(
I tried to do a driving test 3 times and failed, I'm 28...so yeah i get your thing about not being confident in my abilities, but with time I've gotten much better self confidence in myself. You are so strong for everything you've been through! ❤
I failed twice. Driving normally is 3x easier than doing a driving test.
you're not alone but at least you tried i'm 52 and i have never even tried to learn because i am confident i would either kill myself or someone else i had 😂
@@myhoose90I am 48 and I never learned either. Last time I practiced I almost hit a homeless man who came out unexpectedly from behind a dumpster in an empty parking lot. So it is probably best I don't drive.
❤️🩹
It's so annoying when other people suggest having confidence is just as simple as flicking a switch or come out with banal "motivational" statements like "Believe in yourself and you can do anything". Confidence is very hard to develop and as you suggest it is built on success, good experiences and feeling genuinely valued. When people lack confidence it's a perfectly understandable - indeed rational - response to past failures, bad experiences and feeling rejected or unvalued. A particularly unpleasant aspect of these "motivational" statements about confidence is they then blame someone for failing, suggesting it's just a problem of "attitude". The unconfident anxious person who expresses concerns is often dismissed as "being negative", "defeatist", etc. Genuinely addressing their concerns, giving them the skills and opportunities to succeed and making them feel properly included are far better approaches.
13:00
it took me many years to drive. Everything you’ve said about moving boxes and tests is extremely relatable, for years I thought I was the only one that couldn’t conceive of driving (I came of age in NYC so it was non-essential to drive)
I got my learners permit early; I’d suggest just getting that and then consider the license and all that jazz later. It took me no less than 10 years to get my actual drivers license and I barely drove but I felt like I sort of could help someone in an emergency if they had a heart attack behind the wheel, I’d be able to get them to the emergency room.
I learned with nicotine and a Sinatra/Dean Martin playlist that I curated and repeated. First I drove only 3 blocks to the same place over and over. Actually, first I just sat in the car and chainsmoked 😂 then over the years….. anyways, I’m happy to report I drove a manual transmission (which I found a bit easier to drive than automatic) across the country with a friend! Now I drive my very own car and it’s a bit nice, I still surprise myself every time I pull out of the parking spot and get on the freeway.
My unsolicited advice is to get the permit, and maybe in a decade you’ll be ready but don’t limit yourself!
I think the music and the nicotine helped me make a groove in the brain… if just chant “mambo Italiano, hey Mambo….” And turn the wheel and just drive the same little residential neighborhood until all of the grooves came to together. I took drivers Ed in School so I had the logistics down (traffick rules) but I was terrified of the moving box, but Overcome we Must! 😅
I have my ‘provisional’ license, so I could legally drive a car provided I’m on the insurance and accompanied by someone who’s had a full license for a while, and I’m sure I’ll get there at some point, but I think it’ll definitely take a decade or so 😂 Always so glad to hear people have had such similar struggles and fears and managed to over comes them, and well done for doing so!
I feel more confident every time I watch a Dana video.
i feel this so much, hsving had my confidence crushed during childhood. it takers so long to heal from even if you know it's not grounded in reality.
also with regards to not being able to drive, that's not a big deal. given the climate crisis, the less people driving, the better.
Its only as I reached my mid 20’s I fully realised how many of my issues and the things I’m trying to heal tie directly back to my childhood, it’s just such an impactful time and so many of us weren’t shown the kindness we needed!
Totally with you that it’s better given the climate, but on a personal level I’d be able to get out and do a lot more if I could drive, rather than the anxiety of public transport! I also totally wouldn’t be able to afford a car though, so it doesn’t really make much difference 😂
I always planned on learning how to drive. I missed driver's Ed in highschool because I was in the hospital. I am 48 and I never had money for a car so I never learned as an adult either. Oh well.
I just subscribed to this channel, and a new video pops up a few minutes later. Nice 👍
You’ve found me right as I’ve switched from 2 videos a week to 3, so perfect timing!
Oh my god this has been the exact same for me! Also had a very similar experience when i audition for a school musical, everyone was cast except me and i thought id done alright. I was always in school plays before that and told how good i was, but i think this teacher made it so i was the only one not cast because of my autism not my ability to act. It really destroyed my confidence for acting after that. I used to go to drama school and got told i didnt have the confidence, but whrn ever i showed confidence i was told i was doing everything wrong...
OMG, same for me on the driving. I have no confidence that I could deal with the inter-vehicular social aspects, pay attention to the right things, and deal with inevitable unpredictability. And the fact that it's a big speedy metal box that could hurt people.... aaaaaaaah! I'm in my mid-thirties and haven't even tried to learn. And cars are expensive.
I'll just stick to the public transit that is... good enough for most of my purposes.
I think confidence in my own abilities is one of the aspects that made me stop painting. I was good at it, but not as good as I wanted to be in the way that I wanted to be, and couldn't muster up the energy to work on it enough to improve (I thought I had depression, but am now wondering if it was burnout?). That and people started perceiving me for my art and that gave me the big heebie-jeebies.... oh... especially since I'm not as good as I wanted to be.
Thank you so much for the videos.
I can't speak for all autists, of course, but it seems like our confidence tends to work similarly to our bouts of hyperfocus.
I think the only way to improve confidence is just to keep bashing through life and trying not to think about it, and hopefully with enough time and enough exposure to putting ourselves out there that confidence then grows. It’s hard when you’ve been told you’re a sub-par human your entire life, though :(
I don’t know if it’s helpful at all but just in case: Dana you might remember about me that I’m in a band? Been writing songs all my life too and still think it’s a fluke every single time when someone tells me I’ve written a good one. From reading the other comments it seems this low confidence in our abilities is really common for us autistics, so going forward I’m going to try and keep that in mind about my own output. Just because I don’t have any confidence in it, doesn’t mean others feel the same way! Anyway just wanted to comment to encourage you to continue writing songs and playing them for whoever you feel you can, even if that’s just for you.
I have so low confidence it's terrible
You’re doing great. I rarely post videos, or images, of myself on social media, but when I do…I do it for myself. If others see it, fine, but it’s for me. Never my voice though. I don’t like my voice. Alcohol induces bravery. Public speaking makes my mind go blank, and I never knew why.
I haven't been diagnosed but I'm wondering about it.
While I was growing up I assumed that I was weak and pathetic compared with everyone else. Other kids seemed to just cope better with things. These days I'm confident in the things I can do, like my job, but socially I'm still clueless. Working with people is fine, but chatting with them is impossible!
I was confident to start with, and I remained confident for a long time no matter how much other people tried to put me down. As I entered college, people got a lot more pushy with me and started making up reasons to be upset at me or to say that my accomplishments weren't as good as they were. This started impacting my confidence, but I continued pushing through. Things just kept on escalating. Everything about me was somehow wrong. I maintained the belief that it was everyone else who was in the wrong, and I still believe that, but years of abuse and years of harsh medications making me more vulnerable to stress and messing with my mind in other ways has been wearing me down.
It turned out that people didn't want me to succeed. They wanted me to be normal. For most of my time in school, nearly every grade I got was a 100. That wasn't normal. My parents wanted me to be a C average student because that was more normal. When I was in the psych wards, staff kept pointing out that the patients weren't normal as though that were some sort of conclusive point that proved that every complaint the staff had about the patients was correct. I regularly proved their stance wrong, but they refused to accept it. I have somehow consistently always been in the wrong simply for believing that it is worth it to be my true self. For not letting other people decide the kind of person I am no matter how hard they beat me down. It's at the point where even the way I talk, the way I write, or the way I rest is somehow wrong.
I still believe in myself. I still have hope for the future. And I refuse to stop believing in that future. But I also acknowledge that I've been running on fumes for many years now.
Okay, you've been uncannily helpful with this one, so I hope I can go some way reciprocating that, with this here:
About that driving a car.
Have you tried playing video games at all?
I think maybe the one thing that made me realize I could drive a car (other than that one day when I magically discovered I could ride a bike when I was ten) was getting behind the wheel in an empty parking lot and realizing it felt exactly like piloting stuff in the video games I grew up playing.
So, like, if dispraxia isn't a thing for you and it's just about the confidence, then maybe starting a training program using a video game what pressures you in a structured way could help.
The recommend that jumped to my mind was the original Armored Core, but I expect anything that feels like moving a tank or robot could do it, so long as you have some community around you to encourage you, do it with you, and generally help you get good.
Today, I think it's mostly about connecting that overwhelming thing, whatever it may be, to some daunting challenge that one knows one can eventually grow to meet and exceed.
#adviceimspoutingbecauseiprobablyneedtohearit
I'm starting to re-familiarize myself with the notion that I'm not, actually, a cruel and talentless person. I do my best to be a good person, and I know deep down I have certain talents because the only consistent respect I've gotten throughout life has been due to those talents. I know I can sing because the only person who's ever told me I'm bad at it was my abuser. At school, talent show season was the only time people left me alone, since I had something to showcase. I'm trying to get that confidence back with my writing and art. I'm not ready to be confident out in the world yet, so I'm trying to start with myself. You are a very kind and uplifting person - that is a truth about you, Dana. :)
I was confident child as well. I was not shy most of the time. But abuse and life has reduced my confidence. I was quiet in high school but I am not shy now. But I am not confident either.
I know that I am a pretty good artist. But I don't feel like doing art that much anymore. Isn't that ironic. I hope I get out of not enjoying things.
I was the same and still struggle with it. Autism diagnosis helped but i still have a lot of therapy to do
i literally just realized---I've never understood what "think outside the box" really means. Like, I think I sort of assumed I knew what it meant, but now, I actually get it 😂 All I can think of when i hear that phrase is a page from a Skippyjohn Jones book, where he's actually sitting outside the litterbox to think. Haha I never thought I had a problem with metaphors...the "box" means something like social norms 😅oh my god...
Can I Post a short, different comment please? Here goes think you have lovely full hair! Everybody fakes confidence anyway. 😊
Manic people don't fake confidence. But then they crash and the confidence is gone.
@@Catlily5 yep. I agree my comment was a bit too general. Hope your enjoying your day.
@@paulkendall7890 I hope you are enjoying your day also. Sorry for my comment. I had just finished watching a video about mania.
@@Catlily5 Nothing too be sorry for. Thank you for replying. 🙂