I hate pity friends. I had one in elementary school that I had known since preschool. She of course had to tell me that she was only my friend in preschool because she felt sorry for me. That crushed my self esteem to hear that. They would be kinder not to befriend people out of pity. It is more cruel than letting the person be lonely. I also met a girl who told me she would be friends with me after school but I would have to pretend not to know her at school because I was too unpopular. I turned her down. God, school sucked. I am so glad I don't have to go through that anymore.
This is exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear about ten years ago and would have changed my life, and is also exactly the kind of thing that neurotypicals in my life would describe as 'overthinking'. I do wonder how different my life would be if I'd have known earlier I was autistic and had the internet to help. I appreciate you Dana 🧡
I'm not willing to put up with any bs in my 30s and beyond. In my teens and 20s I had zero personal boundaries. Nowadays the closer I get to anyone, the more things I see that I can't get over, can't respect, find too off putting, etc so I distance myself. I don't like anyone anymore. Being alone feels so much better.
This is how it happens for me, except I’m usually the one that ends things. I convince myself that a person is a good friend, because I don’t have anyone else, and I accept toxic behavior until it becomes too much. And then, I leave them behind without saying goodbye. I definitely have a lot of my own issues, and I’m not saying it’s entirely their fault. I need to learn healthy boundaries still, and it’s something I’m definitely working on.
I can relate so much. Friends have come and gone so often over my life. Nowadays I don't necessarily think a friendship that doesn't last a lifetime is "failed." But rather I say "we needed each other at the time." Though it doesn't mean it isn't sad an frustrating at times, but I think those friendships you had are still very important. So often over the years I'd be like "UGH! Back to the old drawing board.." and looking over new meetup groups with similar interest 😆 Best wishes
I regularly watch your videos. I really enjoy your content and I don't always leave a comment. When it comes to friendships I have just given up because I put all the effort in and it is always for nout and I get hurt. I rather not deal with the bad emotions. My dad died a couple of months ago so I am all alone now. All I have for company is my dog. Have a happy Christmas and a happy New Year on me. P.S. I am not exactly broke at the moment so don't worry I am not making myself broke.
The pity friend thing def stings. I hope these people realize that having fake connections is legitimately more lonely than just realizing some people aren't meant to be your friends. But then I think a lot of the pity friends knew that, and actually just wanted someone around who's supportive and that they can still take advantage of. It hurts a lot to garner so much optimism and use it like a torch just to have it be tested over and over. It's so very spiritually tiring.
I struggle now hitting middle age and being autistic. I live in a place where my interests are seen as extremely childish and gets shunned by people in my age group (unless they are also interested, but I live in a place that isn't really very ethnicly diverse). I know a lot of people, mostly because the community is relatively stable and families have known each other for generations. I know people by name, I speak with them regularly (especially since my dog became infamous for being the friendly lump that goes to everyone for food and hugs) but I don't have friends. Well I have one person that started out as a friend..... it's... complicated since he's now part family but not legally. We get on well, but heck, I can't seem to make other friends. People I'd be more comfortable with given my age don't really have the same interests and like.... I get on with younger people, teens and early 20's. But I'm painfully aware how that looks to other people and know my behaviour can be misread. T_T I've just gotten to the point where I just don't feel like there's people I can meet in person that could potentially be friends..... and granted the last one that almost became a relationship (Then I figured out that it didn't feel right.... so I'm Aro/Ace) I had to cut that off because he said some things that.... despite my explaining and trying to get him to see things impartially, he was kinda stuck in his ways. Basically baseless homophobia and anti-trans views just because he didn't understand it. I don't get it either, but I accept people; I was particularly upset about the anti-trans thing because he KNEW my best friend is trans, and I'd previously explained I grew up around a lot of gay people. I didn't even realise it wasn't normal. Granted, those are bad examples because well..... I do feel those are legitimate reasons to terminate a friendship. It just kinda sucked because we got along well, but I just had to drop him like a rock. I guess I've just kinda lost trust in people, I mask and act 'normal'. I'm happier than I have been due to leaving a terrible job but.... sometimes it's just like I'm surrounded by people but I'm still alone.
All the types of "friendship" you listed are relatable but especially the one at 14:00. Sometimes I'll get a message from someone I haven't talked to in months or even years "Hey Aros" "Hey how's it going" "Can you help me with this homework for my uni module" It's happened multiple times. True friends are few and far between for many of us autistic people.
Thank you so much for this video, I suspect I am autistic and this really hits home especially the surface level freindship part. At school I felt like I was freinds with everybody and nobody at the same time as most just seen me as a lovable oddball. Luckily I have freinds now that properly enjoy my company. In general I tend to find I click better with other people who share some of my few intrests or at least have a strange view on things that make me laugh.
This is really relatable, my whole life I’ve dipped in and out of different friendships, and getting frustrated how I can never maintain them. I honestly felt like shit thinking I’m just a nobody who everybody hates, but thank you for making this video, and making me and probably many other people with autism feel less alone🤍🤍
This hits home really hard. You really will find more peace if you protect yourself from people who just show up when they don’t have anyone else/ feel pity. The right people will find you eventually
I have a different attitude to the casual friendships, I'm somewhat more comfortable with intermittent reaching out and meetings, I like a long gap between. But I do also have intimacy issues and people knowing me in a deep way is kinda scary. Most of my long term friends are abroad and we keep in touch online. That seems to be my comfort zone. I keep having friendship blow ups despite trying to keep people from getting too close though. It helps to hear you talk about this so I can have fewer but more trustworthy friends.
i also noticed some my BEST friends IRL (still think about them talk to them and have dreams about them) are like diffrent as online friends. and then some online best friends are diffrent when see them offline. hl2dm rp Choas crew is a good place to hang out where can talk, battle, kill, relax, break locks, buy houses, get rich so don't get locks broken, better than stupid VR chat where cant do none that stuff, and notice life-long friendships can be made there (while its shallow af on twitter fb eta) ontop of that the hl2dm rp code meany have sied "is autism written in computer code" and like half the population is autistic or something else.
I'm like ya friend, near all my friendships are just me being used so now I just only let awesome people use me 😅and if/when people leave, is on them I guess
oof i feel all of this so much. i experienced most of these friends both in school and as an adult. it's pretty much impossible for anyone to make friends as an adult, and its even worse when you're autistic and traumatised :/
i am shocking at making friends. the whole intermediate 'distant friendship' phase you describe is just impossible to gap for me. I only ever make friends via proxy or a shared social space. At this point its not something I feel particularly any way about either. The older I get the less time I feel I have and new friends is wayyyy down the priority list. love the hair with that jumper btw!
Hi Dana i haven't had the uses you friend or the trauma friend but I've definitely had the blowup friends, and it hurts so bad. Often they won't say what is "wrong" with me until the blowup and it's like? Why? And often it is stuff that was outside my control, not my fault, or something i would have thought about had they told me.
Sadly, this happened to me; I ended a friendship of over 28 years. These were friends that I had known since we were small children and who I considered my family. I loved them with all my heart, and they turned on me when I was at my lowest; they knew of my struggles and of my autism. For context, I'm 30 with Aspergers Syndrome and was diagnosed in my very early childhood. It's not like they didn't know what my issues were, and I admit that I have made mistakes in our friendship, but we always managed to deal with it by being open and honest face to face. This is hard for me in general because I struggle so much with communication, but I had always believed deep in my heart and soul that no matter what happened, they would understand because these were people I felt so safe around..(continued below)
I could be myself around them and feel safe no matter what, or so I thought. I used to believe that any issues that we had, we could talk about in person; nothing was stopping them from telling me what I had done wrong or what problems they had with me. Instead, they talked about me and my flaws behind my back, and one of them sent me a message that sent me over the edge, making me want to end my existence altogether. It was so out of nowhere; they both kicked me when I was already down and they both KNEW that, mentally and emotionally, I was in a shit way. And I was just supposed to magically know they had issues with me like I was some clairvoyant. Not a single time did they come to me physically and ask, " Hey, what's going on with you right now? we need to talk about our friendship." Nothing stopped them from doing that AT ALL. They betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible.
At this point in my life, I honestly say this with my hand on my heart: it is better to be alone and miserable than to be in a friendship that makes you feel lower than low. I have reinforced that I will never again have close friends; it's better to be a friend to myself.
I will never get over what has been done to me, but what's done is done. But a fair warning for anyone who makes friends: the little people know about you, the better. That way, they can't use your deepest personal feelings and struggles as ammunition to slander and rip you apart emotionally when they do turn on you.
Your term "trauma dumping" is perfect. And it is great to have someone to have that with. But you are right that it is better if you can take that connection into other areas too once you get past all that. Something I wanted to say too, is that I really like how natural you are as a woman. Even with the long red hair statement. Like a Viking lady!
When I first met my best friend I thought she had no personality. She was very quiet and just seemed to go along with whatever my friend said. Boy was my impression wrong! I go along with what she says more nowadays. We have been friends for more than 20 years. I usually get to know people slowly. That way I can slowly tell if we will get along. Then if we aren't compatible we part ways before we get too close. Intense initial attractions usually don't work out for me long term. They can be fun short term.
Growing up, I remember I was being a social butterfly person, i have like so much friendship circles in a class alone but i cant even maintain it any longer than it should have to be... so eventually all of it vanished... interesting to know that i was literally having this plenty of friends despite having asd ever since...
Ew. No. Pity is not nice thing. Pity is not friend. They who pity you is not friend. No, but really, I may be wherever in terms of my emotional or practical situation, but under no circumstances do I wish to be pitied. Empathy, yes, understanding, yes, support, yes, but pity? Hell no. I often find pity a disgusting thing, because when a person is pitying me they are viewing me as a little helpless creature who is so beneath them that the only thing they can do is pity. And it's also defeatist, in that it seems to acknowledge that a given situation cannot be changed, only wallowed in. And these things I really don't wish to believe, so I tend to be really put off and suspicious whenever I perceive a reaction of pity from someone else.
I've taken on pity friends like that. Didn't exclude them like you describe but I have tried to gently help them with social skills, having seen them try and fail to connect with other people. I hope I haven't made them feel like you felt. 😔
Friendship feels like doing admin. I just don’t have the energy for it anymore.
I hate pity friends. I had one in elementary school that I had known since preschool. She of course had to tell me that she was only my friend in preschool because she felt sorry for me. That crushed my self esteem to hear that. They would be kinder not to befriend people out of pity. It is more cruel than letting the person be lonely.
I also met a girl who told me she would be friends with me after school but I would have to pretend not to know her at school because I was too unpopular. I turned her down.
God, school sucked. I am so glad I don't have to go through that anymore.
This is exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear about ten years ago and would have changed my life, and is also exactly the kind of thing that neurotypicals in my life would describe as 'overthinking'. I do wonder how different my life would be if I'd have known earlier I was autistic and had the internet to help. I appreciate you Dana 🧡
I'm not willing to put up with any bs in my 30s and beyond. In my teens and 20s I had zero personal boundaries. Nowadays the closer I get to anyone, the more things I see that I can't get over, can't respect, find too off putting, etc so I distance myself. I don't like anyone anymore. Being alone feels so much better.
This is how it happens for me, except I’m usually the one that ends things. I convince myself that a person is a good friend, because I don’t have anyone else, and I accept toxic behavior until it becomes too much. And then, I leave them behind without saying goodbye. I definitely have a lot of my own issues, and I’m not saying it’s entirely their fault. I need to learn healthy boundaries still, and it’s something I’m definitely working on.
I can relate so much. Friends have come and gone so often over my life. Nowadays I don't necessarily think a friendship that doesn't last a lifetime is "failed." But rather I say "we needed each other at the time." Though it doesn't mean it isn't sad an frustrating at times, but I think those friendships you had are still very important.
So often over the years I'd be like "UGH! Back to the old drawing board.." and looking over new meetup groups with similar interest 😆 Best wishes
I regularly watch your videos. I really enjoy your content and I don't always leave a comment. When it comes to friendships I have just given up because I put all the effort in and it is always for nout and I get hurt. I rather not deal with the bad emotions. My dad died a couple of months ago so I am all alone now. All I have for company is my dog. Have a happy Christmas and a happy New Year on me. P.S. I am not exactly broke at the moment so don't worry I am not making myself broke.
Don’t ever give up🥰🥰 you’re an amazing person!!
I've FELT even just the title :(
The pity friend thing def stings.
I hope these people realize that having fake connections is legitimately more lonely than just realizing some people aren't meant to be your friends.
But then I think a lot of the pity friends knew that, and actually just wanted someone around who's supportive and that they can still take advantage of.
It hurts a lot to garner so much optimism and use it like a torch just to have it be tested over and over.
It's so very spiritually tiring.
I struggle now hitting middle age and being autistic. I live in a place where my interests are seen as extremely childish and gets shunned by people in my age group (unless they are also interested, but I live in a place that isn't really very ethnicly diverse). I know a lot of people, mostly because the community is relatively stable and families have known each other for generations. I know people by name, I speak with them regularly (especially since my dog became infamous for being the friendly lump that goes to everyone for food and hugs) but I don't have friends.
Well I have one person that started out as a friend..... it's... complicated since he's now part family but not legally. We get on well, but heck, I can't seem to make other friends. People I'd be more comfortable with given my age don't really have the same interests and like.... I get on with younger people, teens and early 20's. But I'm painfully aware how that looks to other people and know my behaviour can be misread. T_T
I've just gotten to the point where I just don't feel like there's people I can meet in person that could potentially be friends..... and granted the last one that almost became a relationship (Then I figured out that it didn't feel right.... so I'm Aro/Ace) I had to cut that off because he said some things that.... despite my explaining and trying to get him to see things impartially, he was kinda stuck in his ways. Basically baseless homophobia and anti-trans views just because he didn't understand it. I don't get it either, but I accept people; I was particularly upset about the anti-trans thing because he KNEW my best friend is trans, and I'd previously explained I grew up around a lot of gay people. I didn't even realise it wasn't normal.
Granted, those are bad examples because well..... I do feel those are legitimate reasons to terminate a friendship. It just kinda sucked because we got along well, but I just had to drop him like a rock. I guess I've just kinda lost trust in people, I mask and act 'normal'. I'm happier than I have been due to leaving a terrible job but.... sometimes it's just like I'm surrounded by people but I'm still alone.
All the types of "friendship" you listed are relatable but especially the one at 14:00. Sometimes I'll get a message from someone I haven't talked to in months or even years "Hey Aros" "Hey how's it going" "Can you help me with this homework for my uni module"
It's happened multiple times. True friends are few and far between for many of us autistic people.
As I had to say that I get taken advantage of quite a bit when it comes to my autism and that hurts a lot and I start to push people away
yeah i feel that
omg HAIR LOOKS GREAT
Thank you so much for this video, I suspect I am autistic and this really hits home especially the surface level freindship part. At school I felt like I was freinds with everybody and nobody at the same time as most just seen me as a lovable oddball. Luckily I have freinds now that properly enjoy my company. In general I tend to find I click better with other people who share some of my few intrests or at least have a strange view on things that make me laugh.
This is really relatable, my whole life I’ve dipped in and out of different friendships, and getting frustrated how I can never maintain them. I honestly felt like shit thinking I’m just a nobody who everybody hates, but thank you for making this video, and making me and probably many other people with autism feel less alone🤍🤍
This hits home really hard. You really will find more peace if you protect yourself from people who just show up when they don’t have anyone else/ feel pity. The right people will find you eventually
I have a different attitude to the casual friendships, I'm somewhat more comfortable with intermittent reaching out and meetings, I like a long gap between. But I do also have intimacy issues and people knowing me in a deep way is kinda scary. Most of my long term friends are abroad and we keep in touch online. That seems to be my comfort zone.
I keep having friendship blow ups despite trying to keep people from getting too close though. It helps to hear you talk about this so I can have fewer but more trustworthy friends.
i also noticed some my BEST friends IRL (still think about them talk to them and have dreams about them) are like diffrent as online friends. and then some online best friends are diffrent when see them offline. hl2dm rp Choas crew is a good place to hang out where can talk, battle, kill, relax, break locks, buy houses, get rich so don't get locks broken, better than stupid VR chat where cant do none that stuff, and notice life-long friendships can be made there (while its shallow af on twitter fb eta) ontop of that the hl2dm rp code meany have sied "is autism written in computer code" and like half the population is autistic or something else.
I'm like ya friend, near all my friendships are just me being used so now I just only let awesome people use me 😅and if/when people leave, is on them I guess
oof i feel all of this so much. i experienced most of these friends both in school and as an adult. it's pretty much impossible for anyone to make friends as an adult, and its even worse when you're autistic and traumatised :/
You can make friends as an adult. It is just harder.
i am shocking at making friends. the whole intermediate 'distant friendship' phase you describe is just impossible to gap for me. I only ever make friends via proxy or a shared social space. At this point its not something I feel particularly any way about either. The older I get the less time I feel I have and new friends is wayyyy down the priority list.
love the hair with that jumper btw!
Hi Dana i haven't had the uses you friend or the trauma friend but I've definitely had the blowup friends, and it hurts so bad. Often they won't say what is "wrong" with me until the blowup and it's like? Why? And often it is stuff that was outside my control, not my fault, or something i would have thought about had they told me.
Sadly, this happened to me; I ended a friendship of over 28 years. These were friends that I had known since we were small children and who I considered my family. I loved them with all my heart, and they turned on me when I was at my lowest; they knew of my struggles and of my autism. For context, I'm 30 with Aspergers Syndrome and was diagnosed in my very early childhood. It's not like they didn't know what my issues were, and I admit that I have made mistakes in our friendship, but we always managed to deal with it by being open and honest face to face. This is hard for me in general because I struggle so much with communication, but I had always believed deep in my heart and soul that no matter what happened, they would understand because these were people I felt so safe around..(continued below)
I could be myself around them and feel safe no matter what, or so I thought. I used to believe that any issues that we had, we could talk about in person; nothing was stopping them from telling me what I had done wrong or what problems they had with me. Instead, they talked about me and my flaws behind my back, and one of them sent me a message that sent me over the edge, making me want to end my existence altogether.
It was so out of nowhere; they both kicked me when I was already down and they both KNEW that, mentally and emotionally, I was in a shit way. And I was just supposed to magically know they had issues with me like I was some clairvoyant. Not a single time did they come to me physically and ask, " Hey, what's going on with you right now? we need to talk about our friendship." Nothing stopped them from doing that AT ALL. They betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible.
At this point in my life, I honestly say this with my hand on my heart: it is better to be alone and miserable than to be in a friendship that makes you feel lower than low. I have reinforced that I will never again have close friends; it's better to be a friend to myself.
I will never get over what has been done to me, but what's done is done. But a fair warning for anyone who makes friends: the little people know about you, the better. That way, they can't use your deepest personal feelings and struggles as ammunition to slander and rip you apart emotionally when they do turn on you.
@@Empty_Space_Full_Of_Dust this is so sad... and yet very real
Your term "trauma dumping" is perfect. And it is great to have someone to have that with. But you are right that it is better if you can take that connection into other areas too once you get past all that.
Something I wanted to say too, is that I really like how natural you are as a woman. Even with the long red hair statement. Like a Viking lady!
When I first met my best friend I thought she had no personality. She was very quiet and just seemed to go along with whatever my friend said.
Boy was my impression wrong! I go along with what she says more nowadays. We have been friends for more than 20 years.
I usually get to know people slowly. That way I can slowly tell if we will get along. Then if we aren't compatible we part ways before we get too close.
Intense initial attractions usually don't work out for me long term. They can be fun short term.
Wow. This really did describe my life growing up!
I love your new RED hair!
I only watch her videos because her "Hi! I am Dana!" is so sweet :p
Growing up, I remember I was being a social butterfly person, i have like so much friendship circles in a class alone but i cant even maintain it any longer than it should have to be... so eventually all of it vanished... interesting to know that i was literally having this plenty of friends despite having asd ever since...
But it just give me pain
Man I love this video
It takes a long time to get to know someone.
Ew. No. Pity is not nice thing. Pity is not friend. They who pity you is not friend.
No, but really, I may be wherever in terms of my emotional or practical situation, but under no circumstances do I wish to be pitied. Empathy, yes, understanding, yes, support, yes, but pity? Hell no. I often find pity a disgusting thing, because when a person is pitying me they are viewing me as a little helpless creature who is so beneath them that the only thing they can do is pity. And it's also defeatist, in that it seems to acknowledge that a given situation cannot be changed, only wallowed in. And these things I really don't wish to believe, so I tend to be really put off and suspicious whenever I perceive a reaction of pity from someone else.
Wait, you guys have friendships? Sounds exhausting.
Fact that thing that conect with friend by comon trama says much about comunity
I've taken on pity friends like that. Didn't exclude them like you describe but I have tried to gently help them with social skills, having seen them try and fail to connect with other people. I hope I haven't made them feel like you felt. 😔
its a me.. a commento