'its so hard to figure out what the sensory issue is cos I've just been ignoring everything for years' yeah that sentence pretty much sums up my life right now. Literally dont have the internal language to know what on earth is going wrong
I was recently told it was "bleak" that I was considering buying meal replacement drinks so that I can actually get nutrition in a day. But I also have an ED-ed past, and it's really triggering sometimes to be in burnout and not be able to even walk to the kitchen for days. Thank you for that "fed is best" tip, it makes me feel a lot better about doing what I need to do to make sure I'm eating. :)
I’ve had this same thought before, and I haven’t even struggled with disordered eating so I can only imagine how much harder that makes things. I’ve had the thought that I wish they made “dog food” for humans, just something quick and easy that has all the nutrients you need so you don’t have to spend mental and physical energy putting a meal together. Sometimes it’s fun to be creative and cook a nice meal but other times I simply just don’t have the energy for it. So I eat what ever I can manage to eat and don’t guilt myself about it. Having a healthy and easy meal replacement option would be perfect for those days!
@@dogmothercoffeelover Hey, if you can get your hands on some M.R.E.s, that might be the closest thing you can get to human dog food lol!! 😅 I totally get it. I had another thought of having protein bars next to my bed in case I can't get up - maybe that would help you too :)
Protein shakes are a thing in my fridge because of reason. I have been having a hard time with feeding myself this week. I forgot about them. Thank you for your comment, so I have now been fed, which is within the guidelines of my medication for reasons that are related to needing to have eaten before but I had taken it and forgot about eating lunch. So now all that said, I am now fed.
Even if I'm not autistic, I've still made so many accommodations to my life that help so much---the biggest one being a low-demand lifestyle. I'm in the process of leaving school to do my special interest full-time (drawing and painting and woodworking and writing) while working 15 hours a week at the public library, in the back room where I am mostly alone. I also visit my family every day, because being around them just resets any sort of discomfort or anxiety I've had that day; they're my comfort people. Basically I have a routine of things I'm very comfortable with, which allows me to live inside my body more, if that makes sense. I don't have to always be on alert! It's wonderful. And I walk everywhere, which gives me room and time to stim the way I want to without feeling self-conscious (especially in overcast weather when no one else is out). I try not to have more than those three things in my day---creative time, work, and family---though if I have to do another thing, like go grocery shopping, I can replace one of the three slots with that thing. I have a little decision paralysis in those moments, like 'what can I afford to replace today', but it's not as bad as trying to squeeze it into 20 minutes between time slots. Every once in a while I'll try something out of my comfort zone so I don't forget my social skills, but I feel like I can choose situations I don't feel too anxious about now, instead of forcing my self to go to class. The only person I'm disappointing is myself, or people who will understand and not judge me. Self-imposed obligation is where it's at. Also I relate so much to the way you can't form an opinion on something until you hear other people's opinions. It's like I just see everything as relatively neutral until someone else points out how good or bad it is. That's what happened with Marvel movies. I'd probably still be going to the theater for them if my friends hadn't pointed out how bad they were getting. And now I totally agree. I might have gotten there on my own eventually, but I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint exactly what was wrong 😂
5:57 As soon as you said, “oh my god it was meltdowns”, I had the exact same realization about all the times I ended up in tears while trying to get dressed as a tween. I had always attributed it to body image issues, but looking back it was more that I couldn’t get my clothes to “feel right”. I was recently diagnosed at 30 and still have a long way to go when it comes to accommodating my sensory issues in my wardrobe, but after watching this I have hope that it’s possible, so thank you!
I try to accommodate myself by having as little contact with people as possible and avoiding any change in routine. I aim for pretty much every day to be the same, In general I use avoidance a great deal, particularly to deal with anything that might cause anxiety or OCD-type issues. While these strategies can reduce stress they can also mean that you're a low candidate for support because it's thought that you are "coping" and usually someone needs to be seen as in "crisis" before they get any help. The fact that someone needs to engage in avoidance shows there is a problem and that support would be helpful rather than waiting for a crisis to occur.
Had to smile when you got to that explanation of the demands of today's society and said "I hope that makes sense." That part of the video made perfect sense to me. I've always felt inadequate in keeping up with all the things you're "supposed" to do in adult life. Go to work, complete chores, have a social life, have a romantic partner, exercise, prepare meals, get adequate sleep, etc. Often times I come home from work and I don't have the energy to DO anything else and it's always made me feel like I'm not good enough. Figuring out that I'm autistic and that the barriers I face are "real" has been relieving for me. I think it helps me be kinder to myself and not always worry about what's "wrong" with me
I was raised as a macho man and I was diagnosed at 45 and masked heavily. Since then I have been doing my best to pay attention to what my body says in every situation and it is hard to relearn listening to myself. In my process finding different things my stress level has dropped off considerably. Being 46 now, I feel like I have to do this or it could cause a heart attack from stress.
Similar things for me, growing up trying to become the stoic unruffled man people expected me to be turned me into a masking anxiety bundle of nerves. I'm really working hard to understand how to melt away some of the tension and strangeness of interoception. Funny you mentioned trying to avoid having a heart attack, I've seriously been worried many times about causing myself to have a heart attack from holding so much stress, even though I'm usually relatively fit. I've worked in the medical field before and been able to measure what happens to my heart rate and blood pressure in detail while I'm anxious and it was one of the first absolutely obvious, objective things I noticed about how much I might be masking compared to the people around me, that they had no idea about. It is absolutely worth figuring out what to do to avoid this. Glad you're finding out what works better for you. It makes such a difference. Mental and physical health are very connected.
Oh wow i do the same the pockets! The phone one pocket, wallet in the other. I usually buy ready-made meals, which my coworkers make fun of me for, but like it keeps me fed so i don't care. Their teasing does hurt me though sometimes. I don't have a diagnosis but i relate to all the issues you've found accomodations to.
I forgot about ready made meals too. I have a person that I know who has made comments about them, and so I got away from them. But they help me. I’m putting them on my grocery shopping list. Thanks for your comment.
I'm just beginning, at the age of forty, learning how to appropriately accommodate myself and my needs. It's a daunting process to put it mildly, having to unlearn a lot of neurotypical expectations I've been putting on myself my entire life and try to unlearn all the maladaptive behaviors that have been making me chronically ill my entire life. I've begun replacing my wardrobe with sensory safe clothing for me. Finding furniture that allows me to accommodate my vestibular hyposensitivy, finding ways to curate my auditory and visual environment in my home, etc. I just recently hopped on the noise cancelling headphones train and it was an absolute revelation. I need to try the Flare Calmers. My auditory hypersensitivities have been the greatest source of chronic pain in my life so finding workarounds for that has been life changing.
I just bought the Flare Calmers! So excited. Will probably arrive in a month haha. Relatively affordable, compared to electronic headphones. Haven’t tried them yet.
@@teleportmanteau I bought a set about a month after leaving this comment. I like them. They cut out high frequencies, and make hearing more directional so you hear less chaotic room reverberations.
Yes, the pockets thing. I do that. This is the reason I hate switching pants or jacket. I basically have one outdoors outfit for "summer" and one for "winter". When I mess this up, by buying a new pair of jeans or something, I always forget mission critical things like my wallet or my keys at home. Which inevitably ruins my day. Spring and fall are the worst, because then I have to constantly switch back and forth between my two sets of outfits.
Good topic, and very relatable. The “low demand” lifestyle describes me well. It has many facets though. I frequently have to remind family, and “managers” at work, that I literally ask them for nothing, and nothing is exactly what I get from them. They live off of my labor. I’ve been in a state of perpetual burnout since 2016, and severe burnout/paralysis, after getting “Delta covid”, in 2021. It messed with my brain, and I felt it in my frontal lobe, specifically.
I think I've done some of the same things you do even before I realised I'm autistic - I wear earplugs to sleep because the noise from the road is too much. I've gradually allowed myself to wear comfier clothes & stop worrying about looking different to other people. I hope once I'm diagnosed (hopefully this year some time) I'll be able to allow myself more accommodations - my inner critic is very loud.
Instead of noise cancelling headphones, have you considered electronic earmuffs instead? Basically, they are like high-quality safety earmuffs (generally much more comfortable than cheap hardware store earmuffs), except each ear cup has a speaker on the inside and a microphone on the outside. The microphones/speaker pairs will allow you to control any sounds or noises under ~80dB, but will cut out anything over that threshold (like a gunshot - these are very popular with shooters and hunters). Another added virtue of having the microphone/speaker pairs is that all conversation/anything you want to listen to will be projected into your ear from an optimal position every time and you can control the volume to suit the environment or conversation as needed. When turned off they just deaden the world around you just enough without completely isolating you, and when turned right up you can hear every tiny little nature sound around you, which can be nice if you need to focus on something like birds in a tree instead of your brain. I thought they were just going to be an overpriced gimmick at first, but since trying them I now own 5 pairs. 3M Peltor Protac or Sporttac are my preferred makes.
On the topic of headphones, I collect high-fidelity wired headphones as my hobby and getting a 700 dollar pair of wireless anc headphones was a game changer for going out in public. They don't have the best anc or even that many bells and whistles, but the sheer quality of the audio was worth the purchase. To me it's crucial to have a pair of really good sounding headphones rather than a pair that focuses too hard on anc and touch features. I'm not the norm of course, I'm someone that has spent 3,000 on a single pair of wired headphones just to show how insane I am about the hobby. I just think other neurodivergent people that love music should consider getting something that really engages them with the music they love (if they can afford it of course). Sound quality can really make a difference on the listener.
As an audiobook user, I think the audio quality makes relatively little difference there. For me the balance of my sound any other sound is probably more important. So it all depends on what your priorities are.
I keep all the stuff that I carry every day in the same place also. It is funny you mentioned feeling your pockets. I do the same thing at my doorway. Most important is keys - I am afraid of getting locked out. Hotel key cards cause a bit of anxiety because I put them in my wallet. So, I have to look inside my wallet before closing the door.
I’ve gotten locked out twice and am petrified of it happening again, so I check right before I close my front door and Otis is forever trying to follow me out 😂
I use a carabiner clip for mountain climbing to keep my keys clipped to my belt loop if wearing such pants, or clipped on a metal loop for my everyday bag, or on a different piece of metal on a different bag. If they are not clipped to something, they are usually in use in vehicle, house or mail locks, or being transferred to or from one of those places. I rarely use a pocket for my keys , as I just make them bigger and heavier than the keys typically are. I used to lose them all the time and that’s not fun when the snow plowing folks want to clear the driveway and you don’t have a clue where the keys are anymore.
I recently learned, at age 35, that I’m autistic. It was really freeing in a way because I felt so much better about all the ways I’ve been accommodating myself over the years.
I totally hear you about the "high demand lifestyle" that most people live today and how Autistic and other neurodivergent people may have a difficult time keeping up. I understand this as a dyspraxic person. I've actually done quite a bit of research on pace of life and work in society and though I could say volumes about it, I'll just suffice to say that a) you're right, it's not a natural or healthy way for anyone to live, neurodivergent or otherwise, and b) the hyper-accelerated pace of the modern world is to a great extent, an outcome of how society is structured and how decisions are made. It's not a natural intractable externality of modernity. This it could be at least to some extent amenable to structural and economic reforms. I've always wished there were more widespread critical consciousness of this issue.
I think I am on the spectrum but I am frightened of speaking with a mental health Dr as in the past they labelled me as emotionally Unstable instead of realising I suffer from childhood CPTSD. Excellent video. Very relatable🤗
You nailed the food issues for me too. I can't have any judgement but unfortunately my family is super judgemental about food so i just have to ignore them when they're trying to judge me lmao
So many things I struggle with I am learning from this community are actually things that others deal with too. Thank you for the suggestions and the permission to accommodate ourselves.
Yes! I relate so much to your first point about getting comfort from knowing where my things are, and feeling anxiety when I can't find something. The tidyness creates some quiet in my brain.
#2 about “fed is best” is exactly what I do for myself, and why I tell people and my partner/best friend that YES, hotdogs are healthy or whatever she’s eating are great, because when the alternative is starving (NOT a nutritionist-prescribed “ideal”), YES, it IS f***ing healthy I wish I could get that through to people who just don’t get it
I'm a new content creator and I understand how much work it is to make content. It's so much hard work and when we talk about these things it's frustrating because it's about real and important things that affect our mental health. This video is great! I love to hear about what other people have learned and the changes they are going through in life.
hello 👋 I can totally relate to you when it comes to sensory issues with different clothes. I did the same when I was younger, pick out clothes the night before but the next morning everything was different. It didn't stop there.. it's been an ongoing event everyday. the older I get the more I dress for my comfort, Not to apease other people. I still have so many clothes because I never Know what my body wants until it's on my body.. ok so that's just a tidbit about the clothes thing! i've learned to sum things up in such a hurry that I leave out details. part of my masking. I could go on and on..lol tfs 💜
TH-cam should pay you!! You hit the nail on the head. Also, great video and thanks for talking about noise canceling headphones! I think they’ve saved my life recently. ❤ love your channel.
Omg I’m the same exact way about food! And I’ve started doing the same thing with not allowing any guilt around it. I often find myself eating cheese and crackers for dinner and u know what? It’s better than nothing! I also have a genetic disorder that makes it so that I can’t absorb fat or nutrients from food very well, so eating a lot of food (and the right types of food) has always been pushed on me so I can maintain a healthy weight, so I think that probably has had an impact on my stress around food as well. But preparing food or putting any thought at all into a meal really overwhelms me for some reason. I drink a lot of high fat protein shakes and don’t let myself feel guilty about eating easy to prepare frozen foods
@tomsale5142 no I have cystic fibrosis. although I have a lot of symptoms eds as well and have been looking into getting tested for it since I learned it often co-occurs with autism
2:00 that makes sense and is essentially what I do, apart from one detail: phone and keys in the same place? That's risking scratching the screen, isn't it? The only things I put in the same pocket as my phone are spare (clean) hankies or a power bank.
Yep. I want everything in its place. If I can't find things I get very upset. With food I have to be careful because I have heartburn and IBS. I try to eat easy things that are still healthy. I hate to cook. I am picky about what clothes I wear too. I don't like uncomfortable clothes.
I love how you take care of yourself. And, I love that you can articulate it to others. This video was very helpful to me. It is difficult to unmask and truly see what I need and then also difficult to figure out how to accommodate when also living with others. That is what I struggle with the most is having a husband and step-daughter and the demands that this brings. And, of course, I love them dearly AND it is very draining daily. Thank you!
I’m not officially diagnosed yet but holy cow I could have made this same video, everything you’ve said has been sooo relatable. I’ve been in the process of trying to figure out my needs and how to accommodate for them and I’ve done a lot of the same things you have, especially the food and clothing thing. But you’ve inspired me to look into some more options for noise canceling, especially when I’m out running errands. Thanks for making this video to share your ideas and also to just let others know they’re not alone struggling with these things!
Noise canceling headphones are a life changer! I bought a pair for $100 (the most I've ever spent). I struggle with tuning out other people's conversations so these have been great for improving focus. BTW, that feature you're talking about is called "transparency mode"
I think the finding clothing that is comfortable and not effecting sensory things has been one of my best ways to cope. I do find it funny that I just know that the sweater you're wearing in this video would make me uncomfortable so it's interesting how it's different for everyone
Your *first sentence* was just so lovely and refreshing coming from the previous video. It was lovely casual, and non-confrontational. Just paused to not distract myself, but going to continue on.
Just realising it's been about 8 years since my official diagnosis. I think it really did make a difference. Didn't feel that shortly after (probably even up to 2 years).
Oh, the food thing... I feel guilty about it, yes... But I try to feel the guilt, and let it go. Fed *is* best. I have gone 72 hours without eating, because of feeling guilty with stuff.
Extremely relateable and I'm envious of the low demand lifestyle you describe. Can also relate to a bunch of the asd community being unpleasant and aggressive.
My heart gives a huge jolt of adrenaline when I feel my pocket and my phone's not there. I set things down all over the place and then spend a good portion of my life playing the game, "Where's My Phone." I get all mad.
@@Catlily5 Yes, even if there is a question about where something is at I have to get out of bed to go check otherwise I won't be able to sleep. I spend about 15 mintes every night making sure everything is in place.
I relate so much to the food stuff. I have a hard time finding a balance....extremes are my special interest hah. Right now i'm surviving on candy and bagels with cream cheese. Have had an ED before and now understand it more as an autistic experience. Makes so much more sense. I would have a rage fit (meltdown) in treatment when the milk was left out long enough to be anything but ice cold and they would not accommodate. Blaming it on ED behaviours rather than being sensory driven!
I do the same, earplugs (I use loops) and then the nc-headphones on top, it's like a wave of calmness flowing through the body, when you put them on :)
Thank you for the video! I've got a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and they are great, even in my apartment. We've got traffic noise and HVAC vents that are annoying. My headphones have 3 states - active noise cancelling, passive noise dampening, and a "transparent hearing" mode. They can be changed using a switch. I don't usually wear them outside, especially in the winter when I need a toque, but I did wear them to the airport and on the airplane, and they made things so much better. I have a pair of in-ears with ANC that I wear when doing errands, but they're not as comfy. One irritating thing about my headphones, though, is that I find the "transparent hearing" mode on my headphones makes *everything* quite loud and bamboozling, because it's taking the audio from outside of the headphones and playing it at you using the heaphones' speakers. I don't know if this is how it works with the put-hand-to-ear headphones that you mentioned. I've not tried similar listening modes on headphones other than the ones I've got, so it's entirely possible that other brands/models handle it better. Relating to other stuff you mentioned: I have been doing the low-demand lifestyle for years, even before I started exploring the Maybe-I'm-Autistic Hypothesis. My job is customer service via e-mail, but it still doesn't leave me with much energy for other stuff, including having IRL friends. And I've never been able to wear turtleneck shirts, and crew-neck t-shirts are difficult but doable on a good day if I *really* like whatever is printed on the t-shirt. If my husband didn't do most of the shopping (I go with him on Thursdays to replenish Stir Friday supplies) and cooking, I'd probably get a lot of take-out or ready(ish?)-meals and supplement with a lot of apples, cheese, broccoli... and peanut butter sammiches on whole-wheat bread.
1. SAME 2. Interesting. ( I Don't like chewing. ) 3. SAME 4. Give me headaches. I can feel the pressure. 5. Not possible yet. Another 4 years, my younger son will be an adult and I can live as i wish, in harmony with nature away from people, for the most part.
I like your cardigan Dana, its lovely. What do you think of bras? Never mind pants, its bras that I find unbearable. As soon as I get home its the first thing to come off. I am yet to find one that doesnt feel like a torture device. Also, I think its one of life's cruelties that when you find something really nice and fluffy and soft, the more you wear it the less fluffy and soft it gets. Same thing with soft toys, the more you touch them, the less soft and fluffy they get. Maybe you can brush them to bring the flump back. I will investigate......
I spent the longest time wearing underwire bras and hating them, I’m not a size that needs much support, so I’ve been able to get away with wearing the softest sport bras I can find, or any of those type of T-shirt fabric fully elasticated crop tops, I still can feel it at all times, but not in a ‘god this feels awful’ way, just aware it’s there!
You can brush the flump back. It’s called teasing the fur. Now I have words tumbling in my mind. Any way, I too find turtlenecks, mock turtleneck (not mock enough), and crewnecks Ebil Ebil Ebil torture things. I have found that high v neck shirt gives the cover I like and yet the freedom of (?) around my neck. I think it is why I have been feeling like I am getting a swallowing problem in the last year. The interception is getting worse. Interception is not the word I want but I can’t spell it out and autocorrupt is not helping.
Thanks so much for this video! I'm only a year in after diagnosis and still struggling for ways to accommodate myself. (YOUR ROOM ALSO LOOKS AWESOME!) Accomodations i currently use: noise cancelling headphones, loop earplugs (with the around the neck stringy thing), I carry my emotional support items with me, I dont use overhead lights and I ask for lights to be turned off if possible. I also recently moved back with my parents because my partner was too messy and I was having meltdowns all the time from keeping on top of the tidying and all the sounds, so having my own room and a clean space might need to be an accommodation for me. Something I've always done is work maximum 4 days a week. I can't work atm due to burnout but I will never work more than 4 days. I just have to be super tight with my budget as a result. I turn my phone on do not disturb and sometimes I even turn it off if I need to relax, and I have at least 2 demand free days a week (where I dont have to leave the house at all.) Wow its actually quite a lot haha. The main thing you said that I want to do better at is living a low demand lifestyle. I still caretake people too much and say yes to things that stress me out, but I am always improving. Appreciate you sharing! Thanks again :)
So Flare Calmers plus Bose nose cancelling headphones? I've tried the latter on once and apparently had unrealistic expectations of them so never got them.
Depends on the brand too. lol bean has pockets in everything. Even swim suit bottoms. I also love descriptions of various places that give line drawings of the shape, or show how the item is worn and that the wearer’s hand is in a pocket. If it doesn’t have that, I don’t buy it anymore
I relate to you a lot as a non-autistic person with CPTSD and a couple of chronic conditions 🤍 I really appreciate your videos because they remind me I’m not alone in being different and remind me that designing my life around my needs is justified 🙌🏻
Also I really like the Sony WH-1000XM3 over-ear noise cancelling headphones. I only use them in private in my room to block out noise from roommates but they’re one of my top purchases that I can say has greatly improved my quality of life! I use them every single night to relax and have even learned to fall asleep in them (although that’d probably be uncomfy for most). The noise cancellation is great and it does have features for it to auto adjust to your surroundings if you want. I tried their newer version that’s in an in-ear earbud form and those seemed good too, I just couldn’t justify buying new yet
'its so hard to figure out what the sensory issue is cos I've just been ignoring everything for years' yeah that sentence pretty much sums up my life right now. Literally dont have the internal language to know what on earth is going wrong
I was recently told it was "bleak" that I was considering buying meal replacement drinks so that I can actually get nutrition in a day. But I also have an ED-ed past, and it's really triggering sometimes to be in burnout and not be able to even walk to the kitchen for days. Thank you for that "fed is best" tip, it makes me feel a lot better about doing what I need to do to make sure I'm eating. :)
I’ve had this same thought before, and I haven’t even struggled with disordered eating so I can only imagine how much harder that makes things. I’ve had the thought that I wish they made “dog food” for humans, just something quick and easy that has all the nutrients you need so you don’t have to spend mental and physical energy putting a meal together. Sometimes it’s fun to be creative and cook a nice meal but other times I simply just don’t have the energy for it. So I eat what ever I can manage to eat and don’t guilt myself about it. Having a healthy and easy meal replacement option would be perfect for those days!
@@dogmothercoffeelover Hey, if you can get your hands on some M.R.E.s, that might be the closest thing you can get to human dog food lol!! 😅 I totally get it. I had another thought of having protein bars next to my bed in case I can't get up - maybe that would help you too :)
Protein shakes are a thing in my fridge because of reason. I have been having a hard time with feeding myself this week. I forgot about them. Thank you for your comment, so I have now been fed, which is within the guidelines of my medication for reasons that are related to needing to have eaten before but I had taken it and forgot about eating lunch. So now all that said, I am now fed.
@@bookhuggah Awesome job!! Especially since it'll help your meds. I'm proud of you ☺
Do you have a meal replacement drink in mind? I also thought about doing this but have never found a meal replacement drink that tasted good.
Even if I'm not autistic, I've still made so many accommodations to my life that help so much---the biggest one being a low-demand lifestyle. I'm in the process of leaving school to do my special interest full-time (drawing and painting and woodworking and writing) while working 15 hours a week at the public library, in the back room where I am mostly alone. I also visit my family every day, because being around them just resets any sort of discomfort or anxiety I've had that day; they're my comfort people. Basically I have a routine of things I'm very comfortable with, which allows me to live inside my body more, if that makes sense. I don't have to always be on alert! It's wonderful. And I walk everywhere, which gives me room and time to stim the way I want to without feeling self-conscious (especially in overcast weather when no one else is out). I try not to have more than those three things in my day---creative time, work, and family---though if I have to do another thing, like go grocery shopping, I can replace one of the three slots with that thing. I have a little decision paralysis in those moments, like 'what can I afford to replace today', but it's not as bad as trying to squeeze it into 20 minutes between time slots. Every once in a while I'll try something out of my comfort zone so I don't forget my social skills, but I feel like I can choose situations I don't feel too anxious about now, instead of forcing my self to go to class. The only person I'm disappointing is myself, or people who will understand and not judge me. Self-imposed obligation is where it's at.
Also I relate so much to the way you can't form an opinion on something until you hear other people's opinions. It's like I just see everything as relatively neutral until someone else points out how good or bad it is. That's what happened with Marvel movies. I'd probably still be going to the theater for them if my friends hadn't pointed out how bad they were getting. And now I totally agree. I might have gotten there on my own eventually, but I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint exactly what was wrong 😂
5:57 As soon as you said, “oh my god it was meltdowns”, I had the exact same realization about all the times I ended up in tears while trying to get dressed as a tween. I had always attributed it to body image issues, but looking back it was more that I couldn’t get my clothes to “feel right”. I was recently diagnosed at 30 and still have a long way to go when it comes to accommodating my sensory issues in my wardrobe, but after watching this I have hope that it’s possible, so thank you!
I try to accommodate myself by having as little contact with people as possible and avoiding any change in routine. I aim for pretty much every day to be the same, In general I use avoidance a great deal, particularly to deal with anything that might cause anxiety or OCD-type issues. While these strategies can reduce stress they can also mean that you're a low candidate for support because it's thought that you are "coping" and usually someone needs to be seen as in "crisis" before they get any help. The fact that someone needs to engage in avoidance shows there is a problem and that support would be helpful rather than waiting for a crisis to occur.
Had to smile when you got to that explanation of the demands of today's society and said "I hope that makes sense." That part of the video made perfect sense to me. I've always felt inadequate in keeping up with all the things you're "supposed" to do in adult life. Go to work, complete chores, have a social life, have a romantic partner, exercise, prepare meals, get adequate sleep, etc. Often times I come home from work and I don't have the energy to DO anything else and it's always made me feel like I'm not good enough. Figuring out that I'm autistic and that the barriers I face are "real" has been relieving for me. I think it helps me be kinder to myself and not always worry about what's "wrong" with me
I was raised as a macho man and I was diagnosed at 45 and masked heavily. Since then I have been doing my best to pay attention to what my body says in every situation and it is hard to relearn listening to myself. In my process finding different things my stress level has dropped off considerably. Being 46 now, I feel like I have to do this or it could cause a heart attack from stress.
Similar things for me, growing up trying to become the stoic unruffled man people expected me to be turned me into a masking anxiety bundle of nerves. I'm really working hard to understand how to melt away some of the tension and strangeness of interoception. Funny you mentioned trying to avoid having a heart attack, I've seriously been worried many times about causing myself to have a heart attack from holding so much stress, even though I'm usually relatively fit. I've worked in the medical field before and been able to measure what happens to my heart rate and blood pressure in detail while I'm anxious and it was one of the first absolutely obvious, objective things I noticed about how much I might be masking compared to the people around me, that they had no idea about. It is absolutely worth figuring out what to do to avoid this. Glad you're finding out what works better for you. It makes such a difference. Mental and physical health are very connected.
Oh wow i do the same the pockets! The phone one pocket, wallet in the other. I usually buy ready-made meals, which my coworkers make fun of me for, but like it keeps me fed so i don't care. Their teasing does hurt me though sometimes.
I don't have a diagnosis but i relate to all the issues you've found accomodations to.
I forgot about ready made meals too. I have a person that I know who has made comments about them, and so I got away from them. But they help me. I’m putting them on my grocery shopping list. Thanks for your comment.
I'm just beginning, at the age of forty, learning how to appropriately accommodate myself and my needs. It's a daunting process to put it mildly, having to unlearn a lot of neurotypical expectations I've been putting on myself my entire life and try to unlearn all the maladaptive behaviors that have been making me chronically ill my entire life.
I've begun replacing my wardrobe with sensory safe clothing for me. Finding furniture that allows me to accommodate my vestibular hyposensitivy, finding ways to curate my auditory and visual environment in my home, etc.
I just recently hopped on the noise cancelling headphones train and it was an absolute revelation. I need to try the Flare Calmers. My auditory hypersensitivities have been the greatest source of chronic pain in my life so finding workarounds for that has been life changing.
I just bought the Flare Calmers! So excited. Will probably arrive in a month haha. Relatively affordable, compared to electronic headphones. Haven’t tried them yet.
@@teleportmanteau I bought a set about a month after leaving this comment. I like them. They cut out high frequencies, and make hearing more directional so you hear less chaotic room reverberations.
Yes, the pockets thing. I do that. This is the reason I hate switching pants or jacket. I basically have one outdoors outfit for "summer" and one for "winter". When I mess this up, by buying a new pair of jeans or something, I always forget mission critical things like my wallet or my keys at home. Which inevitably ruins my day. Spring and fall are the worst, because then I have to constantly switch back and forth between my two sets of outfits.
Thank you for this. My self-accommodation chiefly involves buying products for my deep-cleaning rituals.
When I was in school I would need to tidy my room completely before doing my homework.
Good topic, and very relatable. The “low demand” lifestyle describes me well. It has many facets though. I frequently have to remind family, and “managers” at work, that I literally ask them for nothing, and nothing is exactly what I get from them. They live off of my labor. I’ve been in a state of perpetual burnout since 2016, and severe burnout/paralysis, after getting “Delta covid”, in 2021. It messed with my brain, and I felt it in my frontal lobe, specifically.
I think I've done some of the same things you do even before I realised I'm autistic - I wear earplugs to sleep because the noise from the road is too much. I've gradually allowed myself to wear comfier clothes & stop worrying about looking different to other people. I hope once I'm diagnosed (hopefully this year some time) I'll be able to allow myself more accommodations - my inner critic is very loud.
Instead of noise cancelling headphones, have you considered electronic earmuffs instead? Basically, they are like high-quality safety earmuffs (generally much more comfortable than cheap hardware store earmuffs), except each ear cup has a speaker on the inside and a microphone on the outside. The microphones/speaker pairs will allow you to control any sounds or noises under ~80dB, but will cut out anything over that threshold (like a gunshot - these are very popular with shooters and hunters). Another added virtue of having the microphone/speaker pairs is that all conversation/anything you want to listen to will be projected into your ear from an optimal position every time and you can control the volume to suit the environment or conversation as needed. When turned off they just deaden the world around you just enough without completely isolating you, and when turned right up you can hear every tiny little nature sound around you, which can be nice if you need to focus on something like birds in a tree instead of your brain.
I thought they were just going to be an overpriced gimmick at first, but since trying them I now own 5 pairs. 3M Peltor Protac or Sporttac are my preferred makes.
On the topic of headphones, I collect high-fidelity wired headphones as my hobby and getting a 700 dollar pair of wireless anc headphones was a game changer for going out in public. They don't have the best anc or even that many bells and whistles, but the sheer quality of the audio was worth the purchase. To me it's crucial to have a pair of really good sounding headphones rather than a pair that focuses too hard on anc and touch features. I'm not the norm of course, I'm someone that has spent 3,000 on a single pair of wired headphones just to show how insane I am about the hobby. I just think other neurodivergent people that love music should consider getting something that really engages them with the music they love (if they can afford it of course). Sound quality can really make a difference on the listener.
As an audiobook user, I think the audio quality makes relatively little difference there. For me the balance of my sound any other sound is probably more important. So it all depends on what your priorities are.
I keep all the stuff that I carry every day in the same place also. It is funny you mentioned feeling your pockets. I do the same thing at my doorway. Most important is keys - I am afraid of getting locked out. Hotel key cards cause a bit of anxiety because I put them in my wallet. So, I have to look inside my wallet before closing the door.
I’ve gotten locked out twice and am petrified of it happening again, so I check right before I close my front door and Otis is forever trying to follow me out 😂
I use a carabiner clip for mountain climbing to keep my keys clipped to my belt loop if wearing such pants, or clipped on a metal loop for my everyday bag, or on a different piece of metal on a different bag. If they are not clipped to something, they are usually in use in vehicle, house or mail locks, or being transferred to or from one of those places. I rarely use a pocket for my keys , as I just make them bigger and heavier than the keys typically are.
I used to lose them all the time and that’s not fun when the snow plowing folks want to clear the driveway and you don’t have a clue where the keys are anymore.
I recently learned, at age 35, that I’m autistic. It was really freeing in a way because I felt so much better about all the ways I’ve been accommodating myself over the years.
I totally hear you about the "high demand lifestyle" that most people live today and how Autistic and other neurodivergent people may have a difficult time keeping up. I understand this as a dyspraxic person.
I've actually done quite a bit of research on pace of life and work in society and though I could say volumes about it, I'll just suffice to say that a) you're right, it's not a natural or healthy way for anyone to live, neurodivergent or otherwise, and b) the hyper-accelerated pace of the modern world is to a great extent, an outcome of how society is structured and how decisions are made. It's not a natural intractable externality of modernity. This it could be at least to some extent amenable to structural and economic reforms. I've always wished there were more widespread critical consciousness of this issue.
I think I am on the spectrum but I am frightened of speaking with a mental health Dr as in the past they labelled me as emotionally Unstable instead of realising I suffer from childhood CPTSD. Excellent video. Very relatable🤗
You nailed the food issues for me too. I can't have any judgement but unfortunately my family is super judgemental about food so i just have to ignore them when they're trying to judge me lmao
So many things I struggle with I am learning from this community are actually things that others deal with too. Thank you for the suggestions and the permission to accommodate ourselves.
Yes! I relate so much to your first point about getting comfort from knowing where my things are, and feeling anxiety when I can't find something. The tidyness creates some quiet in my brain.
#2 about “fed is best” is exactly what I do for myself, and why I tell people and my partner/best friend that YES, hotdogs are healthy or whatever she’s eating are great, because when the alternative is starving (NOT a nutritionist-prescribed “ideal”), YES, it IS f***ing healthy
I wish I could get that through to people who just don’t get it
I'm a new content creator and I understand how much work it is to make content. It's so much hard work and when we talk about these things it's frustrating because it's about real and important things that affect our mental health. This video is great! I love to hear about what other people have learned and the changes they are going through in life.
hello 👋 I can totally relate to you when it comes to sensory issues with different clothes. I did the same when I was younger, pick out clothes the night before but the next morning everything was different. It didn't stop there.. it's been an ongoing event everyday. the older I get the more I dress for my comfort, Not to apease other people. I still have so many clothes because I never Know what my body wants until it's on my body.. ok so that's just a tidbit about the clothes thing! i've learned to sum things up in such a hurry that I leave out details. part of my masking. I could go on and on..lol tfs 💜
Thank you for the freedom you inspire regarding food. I also struggle with it...
TH-cam should pay you!! You hit the nail on the head. Also, great video and thanks for talking about noise canceling headphones! I think they’ve saved my life recently. ❤ love your channel.
Omg I’m the same exact way about food! And I’ve started doing the same thing with not allowing any guilt around it. I often find myself eating cheese and crackers for dinner and u know what? It’s better than nothing! I also have a genetic disorder that makes it so that I can’t absorb fat or nutrients from food very well, so eating a lot of food (and the right types of food) has always been pushed on me so I can maintain a healthy weight, so I think that probably has had an impact on my stress around food as well. But preparing food or putting any thought at all into a meal really overwhelms me for some reason. I drink a lot of high fat protein shakes and don’t let myself feel guilty about eating easy to prepare frozen foods
@tomsale5142 no I have cystic fibrosis. although I have a lot of symptoms eds as well and have been looking into getting tested for it since I learned it often co-occurs with autism
2:00 that makes sense and is essentially what I do, apart from one detail: phone and keys in the same place? That's risking scratching the screen, isn't it? The only things I put in the same pocket as my phone are spare (clean) hankies or a power bank.
Yep. I want everything in its place. If I can't find things I get very upset.
With food I have to be careful because I have heartburn and IBS. I try to eat easy things that are still healthy. I hate to cook.
I am picky about what clothes I wear too. I don't like uncomfortable clothes.
I have a low demand life as well. I couldn't handle a regular life.
I love how you take care of yourself. And, I love that you can articulate it to others. This video was very helpful to me. It is difficult to unmask and truly see what I need and then also difficult to figure out how to accommodate when also living with others. That is what I struggle with the most is having a husband and step-daughter and the demands that this brings. And, of course, I love them dearly AND it is very draining daily. Thank you!
I’m not officially diagnosed yet but holy cow I could have made this same video, everything you’ve said has been sooo relatable. I’ve been in the process of trying to figure out my needs and how to accommodate for them and I’ve done a lot of the same things you have, especially the food and clothing thing. But you’ve inspired me to look into some more options for noise canceling, especially when I’m out running errands. Thanks for making this video to share your ideas and also to just let others know they’re not alone struggling with these things!
Noise canceling headphones are a life changer!
I bought a pair for $100 (the most I've ever spent). I struggle with tuning out other people's conversations so these have been great for improving focus.
BTW, that feature you're talking about is called "transparency mode"
I think the finding clothing that is comfortable and not effecting sensory things has been one of my best ways to cope. I do find it funny that I just know that the sweater you're wearing in this video would make me uncomfortable so it's interesting how it's different for everyone
Your *first sentence* was just so lovely and refreshing coming from the previous video. It was lovely casual, and non-confrontational. Just paused to not distract myself, but going to continue on.
Just realising it's been about 8 years since my official diagnosis. I think it really did make a difference. Didn't feel that shortly after (probably even up to 2 years).
Oh, the food thing... I feel guilty about it, yes... But I try to feel the guilt, and let it go. Fed *is* best. I have gone 72 hours without eating, because of feeling guilty with stuff.
Extremely relateable and I'm envious of the low demand lifestyle you describe. Can also relate to a bunch of the asd community being unpleasant and aggressive.
My heart gives a huge jolt of adrenaline when I feel my pocket and my phone's not there. I set things down all over the place and then spend a good portion of my life playing the game, "Where's My Phone." I get all mad.
I'm always losing my Bluetooth earphones. I probably spend a bit 5 minutes a day looking for them
Not knowing where things are upsets me.
@@Catlily5 Yes, even if there is a question about where something is at I have to get out of bed to go check otherwise I won't be able to sleep. I spend about 15 mintes every night making sure everything is in place.
@@Catlily5 How are you doing? I'm good here. I missed the last meeting because I didn't check the website but I see there's one this Thursday. :)
@@samamsterdam4301 I missed the one after Christmas. I was out of town. That's good to know that there is a meeting Thursday. I hadn't checked!
I relate so much to the food stuff. I have a hard time finding a balance....extremes are my special interest hah. Right now i'm surviving on candy and bagels with cream cheese. Have had an ED before and now understand it more as an autistic experience. Makes so much more sense. I would have a rage fit (meltdown) in treatment when the milk was left out long enough to be anything but ice cold and they would not accommodate. Blaming it on ED behaviours rather than being sensory driven!
11:20 Sony has noise cancelling with ambient noise, which allows you to completely or partially block outside noises
I do the same, earplugs (I use loops) and then the nc-headphones on top, it's like a wave of calmness flowing through the body, when you put them on :)
Thank you for the video!
I've got a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and they are great, even in my apartment. We've got traffic noise and HVAC vents that are annoying. My headphones have 3 states - active noise cancelling, passive noise dampening, and a "transparent hearing" mode. They can be changed using a switch. I don't usually wear them outside, especially in the winter when I need a toque, but I did wear them to the airport and on the airplane, and they made things so much better. I have a pair of in-ears with ANC that I wear when doing errands, but they're not as comfy.
One irritating thing about my headphones, though, is that I find the "transparent hearing" mode on my headphones makes *everything* quite loud and bamboozling, because it's taking the audio from outside of the headphones and playing it at you using the heaphones' speakers. I don't know if this is how it works with the put-hand-to-ear headphones that you mentioned. I've not tried similar listening modes on headphones other than the ones I've got, so it's entirely possible that other brands/models handle it better.
Relating to other stuff you mentioned:
I have been doing the low-demand lifestyle for years, even before I started exploring the Maybe-I'm-Autistic Hypothesis. My job is customer service via e-mail, but it still doesn't leave me with much energy for other stuff, including having IRL friends.
And I've never been able to wear turtleneck shirts, and crew-neck t-shirts are difficult but doable on a good day if I *really* like whatever is printed on the t-shirt.
If my husband didn't do most of the shopping (I go with him on Thursdays to replenish Stir Friday supplies) and cooking, I'd probably get a lot of take-out or ready(ish?)-meals and supplement with a lot of apples, cheese, broccoli... and peanut butter sammiches on whole-wheat bread.
Healthy decision making and energy, thanks for sharing!
I feel very much the same… food is a chore 😩
1. SAME
2. Interesting. ( I Don't like chewing. )
3. SAME
4. Give me headaches. I can feel the pressure.
5. Not possible yet. Another 4 years, my younger son will be an adult and I can live as i wish, in harmony with nature away from people, for the most part.
Having the diagnosis is at least some sort of closure but for us without it were still out drowning at least you have a life bhoy🎉
I like your cardigan Dana, its lovely. What do you think of bras? Never mind pants, its bras that I find unbearable. As soon as I get home its the first thing to come off. I am yet to find one that doesnt feel like a torture device. Also, I think its one of life's cruelties that when you find something really nice and fluffy and soft, the more you wear it the less fluffy and soft it gets. Same thing with soft toys, the more you touch them, the less soft and fluffy they get. Maybe you can brush them to bring the flump back. I will investigate......
I spent the longest time wearing underwire bras and hating them, I’m not a size that needs much support, so I’ve been able to get away with wearing the softest sport bras I can find, or any of those type of T-shirt fabric fully elasticated crop tops, I still can feel it at all times, but not in a ‘god this feels awful’ way, just aware it’s there!
You can brush the flump back. It’s called teasing the fur. Now I have words tumbling in my mind.
Any way, I too find turtlenecks, mock turtleneck (not mock enough), and crewnecks Ebil Ebil Ebil torture things. I have found that high v neck shirt gives the cover I like and yet the freedom of (?) around my neck. I think it is why I have been feeling like I am getting a swallowing problem in the last year. The interception is getting worse. Interception is not the word I want but I can’t spell it out and autocorrupt is not helping.
"Teasing the fur" sounds like a great title for the autobiography of a dog groomer @@bookhuggah 😆
Sister blushing hard
Thanks Dana 😊
Thanks so much for this video! I'm only a year in after diagnosis and still struggling for ways to accommodate myself. (YOUR ROOM ALSO LOOKS AWESOME!)
Accomodations i currently use: noise cancelling headphones, loop earplugs (with the around the neck stringy thing), I carry my emotional support items with me, I dont use overhead lights and I ask for lights to be turned off if possible.
I also recently moved back with my parents because my partner was too messy and I was having meltdowns all the time from keeping on top of the tidying and all the sounds, so having my own room and a clean space might need to be an accommodation for me.
Something I've always done is work maximum 4 days a week. I can't work atm due to burnout but I will never work more than 4 days. I just have to be super tight with my budget as a result.
I turn my phone on do not disturb and sometimes I even turn it off if I need to relax, and I have at least 2 demand free days a week (where I dont have to leave the house at all.)
Wow its actually quite a lot haha. The main thing you said that I want to do better at is living a low demand lifestyle. I still caretake people too much and say yes to things that stress me out, but I am always improving.
Appreciate you sharing! Thanks again :)
Thank you!!!!!
Thanks!
So Flare Calmers plus Bose nose cancelling headphones? I've tried the latter on once and apparently had unrealistic expectations of them so never got them.
Hi guys
Me listening to this fixating on how the hell you have pockets?! How does one find womens clothes that have pockets that fit phones and wallets?!
Oh, sorry, I don’t, I wear a mix of men’s and women’s clothing based on comfort and pockets 😅
@@DanaAndersen ohhhkay that makes more sense 😂😂 damn women's clothing..
Depends on the brand too. lol bean has pockets in everything. Even swim suit bottoms. I also love descriptions of various places that give line drawings of the shape, or show how the item is worn and that the wearer’s hand is in a pocket. If it doesn’t have that, I don’t buy it anymore
😁
I relate to you a lot as a non-autistic person with CPTSD and a couple of chronic conditions 🤍
I really appreciate your videos because they remind me I’m not alone in being different and remind me that designing my life around my needs is justified 🙌🏻
Also I really like the Sony WH-1000XM3 over-ear noise cancelling headphones. I only use them in private in my room to block out noise from roommates but they’re one of my top purchases that I can say has greatly improved my quality of life! I use them every single night to relax and have even learned to fall asleep in them (although that’d probably be uncomfy for most). The noise cancellation is great and it does have features for it to auto adjust to your surroundings if you want. I tried their newer version that’s in an in-ear earbud form and those seemed good too, I just couldn’t justify buying new yet